1 00:00:01,469 --> 00:00:03,404 * Joy to the world 2 00:00:03,471 --> 00:00:06,540 * I'm getting laid 3 00:00:06,607 --> 00:00:11,312 * I'm getting laid tonight 4 00:00:13,314 --> 00:00:15,483 * We'll light the Yule log, deck the halls * 5 00:00:15,549 --> 00:00:19,153 * And then we'll play some jingle balls * 6 00:00:19,220 --> 00:00:22,456 * It's been a real long wait 7 00:00:22,523 --> 00:00:26,327 * This is our second date 8 00:00:29,063 --> 00:00:34,402 * It's Christmas Eve and I'm getting laid. * 9 00:00:37,705 --> 00:00:39,973 Hey, I'm mixing up the eggnog. 10 00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:43,311 You want this broad lit up or just slightly glowing? 11 00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:47,481 Well, let's see, we're celebrating peace on Earth 12 00:00:47,548 --> 00:00:49,350 and goodwill towards all mankind, 13 00:00:49,417 --> 00:00:51,152 so let's get her plowed. 14 00:00:51,219 --> 00:00:53,321 Hallelujah. 15 00:00:55,055 --> 00:00:58,326 * Glo-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh 16 00:00:58,392 --> 00:01:02,430 * Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh- oh-ria * 17 00:01:02,496 --> 00:01:07,101 * Tonight I'm boinking Gloria 18 00:01:07,168 --> 00:01:10,070 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 19 00:01:10,138 --> 00:01:13,441 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh 20 00:01:13,507 --> 00:01:16,377 * Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh 21 00:01:16,444 --> 00:01:18,479 * Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... * 22 00:01:18,546 --> 00:01:21,081 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 23 00:01:21,149 --> 00:01:24,185 * Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 24 00:01:24,252 --> 00:01:28,556 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 25 00:01:37,765 --> 00:01:40,801 * Two drunk twins... 26 00:01:40,868 --> 00:01:45,439 * And a lap dance in a pear tree. * 27 00:01:48,342 --> 00:01:50,811 Merry Christmas, Uncle Charlie. 28 00:01:50,878 --> 00:01:53,080 Oh, right, the other part of Christmas. 29 00:01:53,147 --> 00:01:54,282 Go ahead, open it. 30 00:01:54,348 --> 00:01:57,618 Hold on. Let me give you your gift first. 31 00:01:57,685 --> 00:01:59,753 Don't want you think I forgot you. 32 00:02:02,790 --> 00:02:04,425 A hundred bucks? Wow! 33 00:02:04,492 --> 00:02:07,428 Picked it out myself. 34 00:02:07,495 --> 00:02:09,129 Now open yours. 35 00:02:09,197 --> 00:02:11,465 Okay. 36 00:02:11,532 --> 00:02:13,301 This is kind of exciting. 37 00:02:17,838 --> 00:02:20,107 "Fart in a Can"? 38 00:02:22,510 --> 00:02:23,811 You don't have one, do you? 39 00:02:23,877 --> 00:02:28,115 Well, I've got you. 40 00:02:28,182 --> 00:02:30,083 But this is good for travel. 41 00:02:31,252 --> 00:02:32,820 Jake, I just talked to your mom. 42 00:02:32,886 --> 00:02:34,455 She's going to be here any minute. 43 00:02:34,522 --> 00:02:35,856 Don't look at Uncle Charlie's gift. 44 00:02:35,923 --> 00:02:37,124 You're getting the same thing. 45 00:02:37,191 --> 00:02:39,860 Oh, boy, I'm excited. 46 00:02:39,927 --> 00:02:41,595 Don't be. 47 00:02:41,662 --> 00:02:43,531 Speaking of gifts... 48 00:02:43,597 --> 00:02:46,500 Merry Christmas. 49 00:02:46,567 --> 00:02:48,502 I'll leave it up to you. 50 00:02:48,569 --> 00:02:50,471 You can open it tomorrow morning at your mom's, or... 51 00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:56,143 you can rip it open with your teeth like a rabid jackal. 52 00:02:56,210 --> 00:02:59,213 You got me the new Nintendo?! 53 00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:01,048 It's from Uncle Charlie, too. 54 00:03:01,114 --> 00:03:03,517 You owe me $125. 55 00:03:03,584 --> 00:03:05,519 But I just... 56 00:03:05,586 --> 00:03:07,855 This is so cool! Thanks, Dad! 57 00:03:07,921 --> 00:03:09,089 Thanks, Uncle Charlie! 58 00:03:09,156 --> 00:03:11,058 Yeah, yeah, merry Christmas. 59 00:03:11,124 --> 00:03:12,793 I'm going to go hook it up. 60 00:03:12,860 --> 00:03:14,595 No, no, no, you're leaving. 61 00:03:14,662 --> 00:03:18,266 Your Uncle Charlie's hooking up. 62 00:03:18,332 --> 00:03:19,867 You're leaving too, right? 63 00:03:19,933 --> 00:03:21,134 Yes, relax. 64 00:03:21,201 --> 00:03:22,903 I plan on spending Christmas Eve 65 00:03:22,970 --> 00:03:24,238 at a movie theater all by myself 66 00:03:24,305 --> 00:03:25,939 just so you can have sex tonight. 67 00:03:26,006 --> 00:03:28,075 You can have sex, too. 68 00:03:28,141 --> 00:03:29,943 Just pick the right movie theater. 69 00:03:30,010 --> 00:03:31,545 (doorbell ringing) 70 00:03:31,612 --> 00:03:34,248 Jake, time to go. 71 00:03:34,315 --> 00:03:37,184 Take some paper towels and don't wear your suede shoes. 72 00:03:39,753 --> 00:03:43,724 Ho, ho, ho. 73 00:03:43,791 --> 00:03:45,626 That's another option. 74 00:03:47,961 --> 00:03:49,730 BOTH: Merry Christmas. 75 00:03:49,797 --> 00:03:51,198 Merry Christmas. Come on in. 76 00:03:51,265 --> 00:03:52,766 Hey, merry Christmas, Charlie. 77 00:03:52,833 --> 00:03:55,202 Yes, swell. I'll go get the kid. 78 00:03:55,269 --> 00:03:57,237 Ooh, eggnog. 79 00:03:57,305 --> 00:03:59,307 Honey, we've got a long drive ahead of us. 80 00:03:59,373 --> 00:04:01,174 We're spending the holidays in San Diego with my parents. 81 00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:03,277 That's why I need eggnog. 82 00:04:03,344 --> 00:04:05,946 Hey, I spent Thanksgiving with your parents. 83 00:04:06,013 --> 00:04:08,115 Oh, really? Your mom's out of rehab? 84 00:04:08,181 --> 00:04:10,984 Yes, my mom's out of rehab. 85 00:04:11,051 --> 00:04:13,987 Actually, she kind of jumped the fence. 86 00:04:14,054 --> 00:04:15,856 Well, the woman's going to be your mother-in-law-- 87 00:04:15,923 --> 00:04:17,725 you might as well get used to it. 88 00:04:17,791 --> 00:04:20,628 Remember the time she rode out of Betty Ford on a lawnmower? 89 00:04:22,630 --> 00:04:25,699 On the plus side, she bakes Toll House cookies 90 00:04:25,766 --> 00:04:27,301 with walnuts and Demerol. 91 00:04:28,969 --> 00:04:32,172 Stuff never goes back in the box the way it came out. 92 00:04:32,239 --> 00:04:34,575 It's a life lesson, Jake. 93 00:04:34,642 --> 00:04:37,177 Come on, your mom's here. 94 00:04:37,244 --> 00:04:38,211 Vamoose. 95 00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:42,316 Okay, table's set on the deck 96 00:04:42,383 --> 00:04:44,685 and dinner's in the oven. Great. 97 00:04:44,752 --> 00:04:46,854 You might want to keep the candles away from the eggnog. 98 00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:48,356 Got it. 99 00:04:48,422 --> 00:04:51,024 All right then, I'm leaving now. 100 00:04:51,091 --> 00:04:53,193 Good-bye and thanks. 101 00:04:53,260 --> 00:04:55,028 Yeah, merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. 102 00:04:55,095 --> 00:04:58,298 All the best. Same to you. 103 00:05:00,368 --> 00:05:02,670 Give me my bonus, you blockhead. 104 00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:07,040 Oh, right. 105 00:05:08,409 --> 00:05:10,644 Thank you for all your hard work. 106 00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:18,819 Couldn't get along without you. 107 00:05:23,190 --> 00:05:24,358 You're one in a million. 108 00:05:27,428 --> 00:05:29,963 Really? 109 00:05:30,030 --> 00:05:32,032 What would Jesus do? 110 00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:38,639 Herb? 111 00:05:38,706 --> 00:05:39,640 Oh, no thanks. I'm driving. 112 00:05:39,707 --> 00:05:40,874 I'll have some. 113 00:05:40,941 --> 00:05:43,176 No, you won't. It's for grownups. 114 00:05:43,243 --> 00:05:44,344 I'll have another. 115 00:05:44,412 --> 00:05:46,213 Sweetie, my parents are waiting. 116 00:05:46,279 --> 00:05:47,080 I know, dear. 117 00:05:48,782 --> 00:05:51,151 Apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it? 118 00:05:52,753 --> 00:05:55,923 Okay, merry Christmas to all, 119 00:05:55,989 --> 00:05:59,092 and to all, a good-bye. 120 00:05:59,159 --> 00:06:00,394 Hang on. 121 00:06:00,461 --> 00:06:02,162 I've got a long bus ride, 122 00:06:02,229 --> 00:06:04,264 and I don't want to sober up halfway home. 123 00:06:04,331 --> 00:06:05,332 KANDI: Hello? 124 00:06:05,399 --> 00:06:07,100 Kandi? 125 00:06:07,167 --> 00:06:08,669 What are you doing here? 126 00:06:08,736 --> 00:06:10,438 I didn't want to be alone on Christmas Eve 127 00:06:10,504 --> 00:06:12,339 and I didn't know where else to go. 128 00:06:12,406 --> 00:06:14,041 Where's your new boyfriend? 129 00:06:14,107 --> 00:06:16,276 He decided to spend Christmas with his family. 130 00:06:16,343 --> 00:06:18,011 Why didn't he bring you along? 131 00:06:18,078 --> 00:06:21,214 He thought it would make his wife uncomfortable. 132 00:06:21,281 --> 00:06:24,452 Oh. Sweetie, come on in. 133 00:06:24,518 --> 00:06:25,886 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 134 00:06:25,953 --> 00:06:27,087 I've got company coming, remember? 135 00:06:27,154 --> 00:06:28,321 I can't just throw her out, Charlie. 136 00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:30,257 How do you know if you don't try? 137 00:06:30,323 --> 00:06:32,760 Lighten up, it's Christmas. 138 00:06:32,826 --> 00:06:36,196 Okay, two minutes, and then I bring out the Fart in a Can. 139 00:06:39,332 --> 00:06:43,303 ALAN: You remember Judith. Hi, Judith. 140 00:06:43,370 --> 00:06:45,338 And this is her fiancé, Herb. 141 00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:46,974 Hi, Herb. Hi. 142 00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:48,408 ALAN: Here, let me take your coat. 143 00:06:51,545 --> 00:06:54,715 Oh, my golly. 144 00:06:54,782 --> 00:06:58,085 Well, I guess we should get going. 145 00:06:58,151 --> 00:07:00,287 What's the hurry? 146 00:07:00,353 --> 00:07:01,989 Your parents are waiting, remember? 147 00:07:02,055 --> 00:07:05,726 What do you care? They don't like you anyway. 148 00:07:05,793 --> 00:07:06,894 Eggnog? 149 00:07:06,960 --> 00:07:07,928 Thank you. 150 00:07:07,995 --> 00:07:09,329 You're welcome. 151 00:07:09,396 --> 00:07:11,098 I'm a doctor. 152 00:07:11,164 --> 00:07:13,066 A real one or like Alan? 153 00:07:13,133 --> 00:07:16,203 I'm a pediatrician. 154 00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:18,305 Wow, so you're into feet. 155 00:07:18,371 --> 00:07:20,474 No, children. 156 00:07:20,541 --> 00:07:22,476 Isn't that illegal? 157 00:07:24,411 --> 00:07:26,914 Berta, don't you have a bus to catch? 158 00:07:26,980 --> 00:07:28,982 And miss this show? Are you nuts? 159 00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:32,285 Feliz Navidad, everyone! 160 00:07:32,352 --> 00:07:36,624 Ooh, I didn't see that one coming. 161 00:07:36,690 --> 00:07:39,026 Mom, what are you doing here? 162 00:07:39,092 --> 00:07:40,160 I was on my way to a party, 163 00:07:40,227 --> 00:07:41,762 thought I'd drop off your gifts 164 00:07:41,829 --> 00:07:43,363 so that I don't have to schlep back here tomorrow 165 00:07:43,430 --> 00:07:44,364 and mess up my day. 166 00:07:44,431 --> 00:07:46,366 ROSE: Charlie? 167 00:07:46,433 --> 00:07:48,101 Rose?! 168 00:07:48,168 --> 00:07:50,638 How could you have a Christmas party and not invite me? 169 00:07:50,704 --> 00:07:52,773 This isn't a Christmas party. 170 00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:53,874 Well, what do you call it? 171 00:07:53,941 --> 00:07:55,743 The beginning of a news story 172 00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:57,410 that ends with the phrase, 173 00:07:57,477 --> 00:07:59,913 "He then turned the gun on himself. 174 00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:02,449 All right, all right, everybody listen up. 175 00:08:02,516 --> 00:08:03,483 Listen to me. 176 00:08:03,551 --> 00:08:06,019 There is no party. 177 00:08:06,086 --> 00:08:08,822 You all have to leave now because a beautiful woman 178 00:08:08,889 --> 00:08:10,691 is coming over and I intend to get her drunk 179 00:08:10,758 --> 00:08:11,825 and have sex with her. 180 00:08:11,892 --> 00:08:13,927 WOMAN: That's a good plan. 181 00:08:13,994 --> 00:08:18,699 Except I'm already drunk. 182 00:08:20,668 --> 00:08:23,837 Boy, I can't wait till the second act. 183 00:08:25,472 --> 00:08:27,274 * Men... 184 00:08:30,043 --> 00:08:32,613 More fuel for the fire. 185 00:08:32,680 --> 00:08:34,281 You said you were going home. 186 00:08:34,347 --> 00:08:36,784 Well, that was before I knew you were having a party. 187 00:08:36,850 --> 00:08:38,451 This isn't a party. 188 00:08:38,518 --> 00:08:40,988 It's just a bunch of people I don't like 189 00:08:41,054 --> 00:08:43,657 standing around drinking my booze. 190 00:08:43,724 --> 00:08:45,993 Oh, crap, it is a party. 191 00:08:46,059 --> 00:08:47,327 Give me that. 192 00:08:51,431 --> 00:08:53,400 Love to know that those two are talking about. 193 00:08:53,466 --> 00:08:54,334 I could tell you. 194 00:08:54,401 --> 00:08:55,402 I read lips. 195 00:08:55,468 --> 00:08:58,405 Really? Yep. 196 00:08:58,471 --> 00:08:59,907 Right now your date 197 00:08:59,973 --> 00:09:01,408 is saying 198 00:09:01,474 --> 00:09:05,746 "The wily ostrich sank my boat." 199 00:09:08,415 --> 00:09:10,918 I have a little congestion in my upper chest. 200 00:09:10,984 --> 00:09:12,485 Can you take a look at it? 201 00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:14,021 Oh, well, I could... 202 00:09:14,087 --> 00:09:16,924 Kandi, he's a pediatrician. He only treats children. 203 00:09:16,990 --> 00:09:18,325 Now hold on. 204 00:09:18,391 --> 00:09:20,794 There's no actual age limit. 205 00:09:20,861 --> 00:09:24,397 I took an oath to ease suffering wherever I find it. 206 00:09:25,465 --> 00:09:26,967 Alan, a word. 207 00:09:27,034 --> 00:09:29,703 Oh, good... a word. 208 00:09:32,039 --> 00:09:34,041 I don't have my stethoscope, 209 00:09:34,107 --> 00:09:36,677 so why don't you just breathe in and out for me. 210 00:09:39,546 --> 00:09:41,581 Make this stop. 211 00:09:41,649 --> 00:09:44,752 I'm sorry. I don't know what you're talking about. 212 00:09:44,818 --> 00:09:46,386 Don't screw with me. 213 00:09:46,453 --> 00:09:48,856 Tell your ex-wife to stop flirting with my fiancé. 214 00:09:48,922 --> 00:09:50,490 Gee, that's funny. 215 00:09:50,557 --> 00:09:51,959 The way I see it, 216 00:09:52,025 --> 00:09:54,762 your peanut butter is all over my chocolate. 217 00:09:54,828 --> 00:09:57,430 Damn it, Alan, I can make your life a living hell. 218 00:09:57,497 --> 00:10:00,634 How would I know the difference? 219 00:10:00,701 --> 00:10:03,136 Cough again. 220 00:10:03,203 --> 00:10:05,138 Once more. 221 00:10:05,205 --> 00:10:08,008 Let's have a little pow-wow. 222 00:10:08,075 --> 00:10:11,078 She might have a touch of the croup. 223 00:10:11,144 --> 00:10:13,046 Listen, Herb... So you were married to her? 224 00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:14,815 Yes, we were married. 225 00:10:14,882 --> 00:10:16,917 Judith is getting really upset with you. 226 00:10:16,984 --> 00:10:19,486 So you got to see her naked? 227 00:10:19,552 --> 00:10:21,054 Stay with me, Herb. 228 00:10:21,121 --> 00:10:23,090 Your fiancée is very angry. 229 00:10:23,156 --> 00:10:25,092 Really? How come? 230 00:10:25,158 --> 00:10:27,027 Oh, I don't know, maybe it's because 231 00:10:27,094 --> 00:10:29,096 you were trying use Kandi's nipple as a Q-tip. 232 00:10:29,162 --> 00:10:31,064 It's okay, I'm a doctor. 233 00:10:31,131 --> 00:10:32,733 Just do yourself a favor-- 234 00:10:32,800 --> 00:10:35,535 go pay attention to Judith. 235 00:10:35,602 --> 00:10:37,470 All right. 236 00:10:40,073 --> 00:10:41,975 Some party, huh? 237 00:10:42,042 --> 00:10:44,912 Yeah, I'm glad I didn't waste this buzz on the bus. 238 00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:47,681 Here comes your mom. 239 00:10:47,748 --> 00:10:49,917 Act like you didn't know what they were saying. 240 00:10:49,983 --> 00:10:51,051 Charlie, I must talk to you. 241 00:10:51,118 --> 00:10:53,687 I know. Why is that? 242 00:10:53,754 --> 00:10:56,690 How serious is your relationship with Gloria? 243 00:10:56,757 --> 00:10:58,158 Not that it's any of your business, 244 00:10:58,225 --> 00:10:59,592 but this is our second date. 245 00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:01,161 What happened on the first date? 246 00:11:01,228 --> 00:11:03,096 They went out to dinner, he took her home 247 00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:05,098 and they made out a little bit in the car. 248 00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:07,735 Oh, I'm sorry, did you want to tell it? 249 00:11:07,801 --> 00:11:10,103 So, you haven't slept together? 250 00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:10,971 Not yet. 251 00:11:11,038 --> 00:11:13,807 Oops. There I go again. 252 00:11:13,874 --> 00:11:15,843 That's good. Uh, darling, 253 00:11:15,909 --> 00:11:17,911 you need to end this relationship now. 254 00:11:17,978 --> 00:11:19,146 Why? 255 00:11:21,048 --> 00:11:21,982 Do you trust me? 256 00:11:22,049 --> 00:11:24,818 ALL: No. 257 00:11:24,885 --> 00:11:26,519 Okay, but you know I have 258 00:11:26,586 --> 00:11:28,121 your best interests at heart, don't you? 259 00:11:28,188 --> 00:11:29,990 ALL: No. 260 00:11:30,057 --> 00:11:32,993 All right, then, let me put it this way. 261 00:11:33,060 --> 00:11:36,063 I forbid you to see this woman any more. 262 00:11:36,129 --> 00:11:37,497 You forbid? 263 00:11:37,564 --> 00:11:39,132 What gives you the right to forbid? 264 00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:40,633 I'm 39 years old. 265 00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:42,035 I'm your mother. You're 40. 266 00:11:42,102 --> 00:11:45,005 And you must not see this woman anymore! 267 00:11:45,072 --> 00:11:47,474 Mom, you know that just makes me want her more. 268 00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:48,976 Charlie, I mean it. 269 00:11:49,042 --> 00:11:50,710 I'm getting hotter. 270 00:11:50,778 --> 00:11:54,748 Look, I know certain things about Gloria's past 271 00:11:54,815 --> 00:11:57,184 which are, well, unsavory. 272 00:11:57,250 --> 00:11:59,186 Okay, I'm going supernova. 273 00:11:59,252 --> 00:12:01,955 Would you listen to me? 274 00:12:02,022 --> 00:12:04,925 If you continue to see this woman, 275 00:12:04,992 --> 00:12:06,894 it will hurt me, deeply. 276 00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:09,830 I may have to marry this girl. 277 00:12:09,897 --> 00:12:10,964 Okay. Okay. 278 00:12:11,031 --> 00:12:13,100 You give me no choice. 279 00:12:13,166 --> 00:12:14,768 Who are you calling? 280 00:12:14,835 --> 00:12:16,736 It's probably about the ostrich in the boat. 281 00:12:18,305 --> 00:12:20,540 Charlie, I'm getting pretty drunk, 282 00:12:20,607 --> 00:12:24,244 so if you like a girl who moves, you better do me soon. 283 00:12:24,311 --> 00:12:25,946 Follow me. 284 00:12:28,115 --> 00:12:29,749 Ah... isn't that sweet? 285 00:12:29,817 --> 00:12:32,986 Every time a guy has sex, an angel gets a stiffy. 286 00:12:35,188 --> 00:12:37,624 Would you look at them? 287 00:12:37,690 --> 00:12:40,127 Oh, I completely forgot about the subplot. 288 00:12:41,895 --> 00:12:43,296 What do you want me to do, Judith? 289 00:12:43,363 --> 00:12:45,198 He's your man. You want him? Fight for him. 290 00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:46,867 How can I compete with that? 291 00:12:46,934 --> 00:12:47,600 There's no competition. 292 00:12:47,667 --> 00:12:49,002 Herb loves you. 293 00:12:49,069 --> 00:12:51,038 You have a mature, sophisticated relationship 294 00:12:51,104 --> 00:12:52,739 based on mutual respect. 295 00:12:52,806 --> 00:12:54,174 All Kandi has is... 296 00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:58,611 There'll be other men. 297 00:12:58,678 --> 00:13:01,581 Just get here as soon as you can. 298 00:13:01,648 --> 00:13:03,851 Where's Charlie? 299 00:13:05,785 --> 00:13:06,686 Damn it! 300 00:13:06,753 --> 00:13:08,121 Oh, I get it. 301 00:13:08,188 --> 00:13:09,990 It's like Tony and Tina's Wedding. 302 00:13:10,057 --> 00:13:11,558 You gotta follow them around. 303 00:13:13,193 --> 00:13:14,995 Hey. Mommio. Daddio. 304 00:13:15,062 --> 00:13:16,229 Hi, buddy. 305 00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:18,198 Mommio. Daddio, Daddio. 306 00:13:18,265 --> 00:13:21,701 Mommio, Mommio. Daddio... 307 00:13:23,236 --> 00:13:25,906 Stop! 308 00:13:25,973 --> 00:13:27,140 Mom! 309 00:13:27,207 --> 00:13:29,176 Get out of that bed this instant! 310 00:13:29,242 --> 00:13:32,179 I don't think that's a good idea. 311 00:13:32,245 --> 00:13:34,114 Charlie, I'm warning you. 312 00:13:34,181 --> 00:13:37,250 You can't tell him what to do-- he's 34 years old. 313 00:13:37,317 --> 00:13:38,618 He's what? 314 00:13:38,685 --> 00:13:39,987 She's drunk. 315 00:13:41,688 --> 00:13:43,256 Mom, what are you doing here? 316 00:13:43,323 --> 00:13:46,059 I'm trying to keep you from making a horrible mistake. 317 00:13:46,126 --> 00:13:47,594 What do you care? 318 00:13:47,660 --> 00:13:49,029 I make this mistake on a regular basis. 319 00:13:49,096 --> 00:13:50,898 Some might call it a lifestyle. 320 00:13:50,964 --> 00:13:52,966 Charlie... I don't want to hear it. 321 00:13:53,033 --> 00:13:54,801 I came up here to do a job. 322 00:13:54,868 --> 00:13:56,169 Actually, two jobs and a chore. 323 00:13:56,236 --> 00:13:59,606 Now, you can stay and watch, 324 00:13:59,672 --> 00:14:01,875 which I don't recommend, or you can leave. 325 00:14:01,942 --> 00:14:05,345 Either way, Gloria and I are going to have sex. 326 00:14:08,148 --> 00:14:10,117 Go ahead. 327 00:14:12,052 --> 00:14:13,320 Okay, I'm bluffing. 328 00:14:16,389 --> 00:14:17,857 He sure is. 329 00:14:20,127 --> 00:14:23,330 (playing "Heart and Soul") 330 00:14:23,396 --> 00:14:25,999 * Jingle bells, jingle bells 331 00:14:26,066 --> 00:14:27,935 * Jingle all the way 332 00:14:28,001 --> 00:14:32,339 * Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh * 333 00:14:32,405 --> 00:14:34,908 * Jingle bells, jingle bells... * 334 00:14:34,975 --> 00:14:37,110 Have you seen Jake? Nope. 335 00:14:37,177 --> 00:14:38,011 Huh. 336 00:14:46,453 --> 00:14:47,387 Jake? 337 00:14:47,454 --> 00:14:48,855 HERB: Whoa, whoa, whoa! 338 00:14:48,922 --> 00:14:50,991 Judith! What the hell are you doing? 339 00:14:51,058 --> 00:14:52,292 You told me to fight for my man. 340 00:14:52,359 --> 00:14:53,961 I'm fighting for my man. 341 00:14:54,027 --> 00:14:57,030 HERB: Alan, would you please close the door? 342 00:14:59,266 --> 00:15:01,201 Sorry. 343 00:15:01,268 --> 00:15:05,438 12 years of marriage, she never fought for me from that angle. 344 00:15:05,505 --> 00:15:07,874 (Kandi playing same tune) 345 00:15:07,941 --> 00:15:12,145 * Silent night 346 00:15:12,212 --> 00:15:16,249 * Holy night... 347 00:15:16,316 --> 00:15:18,318 Kandi? Yeah? 348 00:15:18,385 --> 00:15:20,120 Take a break. Okey-doke. 349 00:15:20,187 --> 00:15:21,989 (doorbell rings) 350 00:15:28,495 --> 00:15:29,429 Hello. 351 00:15:29,496 --> 00:15:30,998 Oh, my goodness. 352 00:15:31,064 --> 00:15:32,465 Are you Alan? 353 00:15:32,532 --> 00:15:33,766 Uh, yes. 354 00:15:33,833 --> 00:15:35,702 I haven't seen you in 35 years. 355 00:15:35,768 --> 00:15:39,239 No kidding. I'm sorry, I don't remember you. 356 00:15:39,306 --> 00:15:40,740 Well, I'm not surprised. 357 00:15:40,807 --> 00:15:42,009 At the time you were busy 358 00:15:42,075 --> 00:15:43,410 learning to use the big-boy potty. 359 00:15:43,476 --> 00:15:45,345 Ah. Well. 360 00:15:45,412 --> 00:15:47,280 I did it. 361 00:15:49,949 --> 00:15:51,351 Good job. 362 00:15:51,418 --> 00:15:54,487 Uh, listen, Alan, I'm looking for my daughter. 363 00:15:54,554 --> 00:15:56,356 Drunk blonde? 364 00:15:56,423 --> 00:15:59,726 Well, she isn't always blonde. 365 00:16:01,261 --> 00:16:02,829 Upstairs. 366 00:16:02,895 --> 00:16:04,497 Thank you. 367 00:16:04,564 --> 00:16:05,999 You know, 368 00:16:06,066 --> 00:16:09,002 you turned out to be a very attractive man. 369 00:16:09,069 --> 00:16:10,070 Um, thank you. 370 00:16:10,137 --> 00:16:12,005 Coulda gone either way. 371 00:16:12,072 --> 00:16:15,042 Lucky you grew into those ears. 372 00:16:15,108 --> 00:16:19,112 (playing same tune) 373 00:16:19,179 --> 00:16:21,881 * Frosty the Snowman 374 00:16:21,948 --> 00:16:25,152 * Was a very jolly soul 375 00:16:25,218 --> 00:16:29,322 * With a corncob pipe and a button nose * 376 00:16:29,389 --> 00:16:32,859 * And two eyes made out of coal... * 377 00:16:32,925 --> 00:16:34,194 Damn it, Charlie, you don't know what 378 00:16:34,261 --> 00:16:35,862 you're getting into here. 379 00:16:35,928 --> 00:16:38,265 Oh, I think I have a pretty good idea. 380 00:16:38,331 --> 00:16:40,333 I mean, what could you possibly tell me about Gloria 381 00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:42,402 that would get me to kick her out of bed? 382 00:16:42,469 --> 00:16:44,771 She's married? Clinically insane? She's a man? 383 00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:46,005 You're not a man, are you? Nope. 384 00:16:46,073 --> 00:16:47,840 Then we're good. 385 00:16:47,907 --> 00:16:49,376 Gloria, get out of that bed. 386 00:16:49,442 --> 00:16:50,377 Mom? 387 00:16:50,443 --> 00:16:52,379 "Mom"? 388 00:16:52,445 --> 00:16:53,546 Well, did you tell them? 389 00:16:53,613 --> 00:16:55,448 I tried, but I couldn't. Why not? 390 00:16:55,515 --> 00:16:57,450 What do you mean, why not? Why do you think? 391 00:16:57,517 --> 00:16:59,786 Oh, so, as usual, I have to do your dirty work. 392 00:16:59,852 --> 00:17:00,887 You can't sleep with him 393 00:17:00,953 --> 00:17:02,289 because he might be your brother. 394 00:17:04,624 --> 00:17:06,493 There, was that so hard? 395 00:17:06,559 --> 00:17:09,962 It's certainly not hard for someone who has no shame. 396 00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:12,399 Says the woman who killed my husband. 397 00:17:12,465 --> 00:17:14,000 I did not kill Sherman. 398 00:17:14,067 --> 00:17:15,902 I made Sherman happy. 399 00:17:15,968 --> 00:17:18,004 Excuse me, excuse me. Hold on. Hold on. 400 00:17:18,071 --> 00:17:21,274 Can we go back to the part where I may be her brother? 401 00:17:21,341 --> 00:17:22,875 Oh, dear Lord, has the blood 402 00:17:22,942 --> 00:17:24,544 not returned to your brain yet? 403 00:17:24,611 --> 00:17:26,079 It was the '70s. 404 00:17:26,146 --> 00:17:27,880 We were young, attractive couples 405 00:17:27,947 --> 00:17:29,349 and there was a gas shortage 406 00:17:29,416 --> 00:17:31,551 so we had to "entertain" at home. 407 00:17:31,618 --> 00:17:33,553 Wait, wait, wait, wait. 408 00:17:33,620 --> 00:17:37,090 Are you saying you and her husband...? 409 00:17:37,157 --> 00:17:40,093 Yes, and she and your father. 410 00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:41,894 Blame OPEC. 411 00:17:43,163 --> 00:17:45,532 It started with a weekly fondue party, 412 00:17:45,598 --> 00:17:48,435 but one night the dipping didn't stop at cheese. 413 00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:52,939 Unfortunately, some of us couldn't handle it. 414 00:17:53,005 --> 00:17:55,175 You did unspeakable things with Sherman 415 00:17:55,242 --> 00:17:57,144 and then he wanted to do them with me. 416 00:17:57,210 --> 00:17:59,011 Oh, nonsense. 417 00:17:59,078 --> 00:18:00,847 I just raised the bar a bit. 418 00:18:00,913 --> 00:18:02,215 Raised the bar? 419 00:18:02,282 --> 00:18:04,151 Do you have any idea how many third-world countries 420 00:18:04,217 --> 00:18:05,585 that man visited trying to find someone else 421 00:18:05,652 --> 00:18:07,053 who would do those things? 422 00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:09,021 Oh, he didn't have to go abroad. 423 00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:10,323 He was just looking for a bargain. 424 00:18:10,390 --> 00:18:12,024 If it weren't for you 425 00:18:12,091 --> 00:18:14,994 he would never have contracted amoebic dysentery and died. 426 00:18:15,061 --> 00:18:17,897 I hate to interrupt, but I'm still trying 427 00:18:17,964 --> 00:18:20,900 to process the "I'm her brother" thing. 428 00:18:20,967 --> 00:18:22,135 Mmm. 429 00:18:22,202 --> 00:18:24,604 Not the shiniest penny in the roll, is he? 430 00:18:24,671 --> 00:18:26,072 All right. 431 00:18:26,139 --> 00:18:27,974 I guess I better spell it out for you. 432 00:18:28,040 --> 00:18:30,009 Based on the amount of time that elapsed 433 00:18:30,076 --> 00:18:33,146 between the last fondue party and Gloria's birth, 434 00:18:33,213 --> 00:18:35,014 and not to mention the fact that Sherman 435 00:18:35,081 --> 00:18:38,185 lost interest in traditional sex with me... 436 00:18:38,251 --> 00:18:39,619 Thank you very much. 437 00:18:39,686 --> 00:18:43,022 There is the very real possibility 438 00:18:43,089 --> 00:18:45,192 that your father may be her father. 439 00:18:45,258 --> 00:18:47,026 Oh, my God. Wow. 440 00:18:47,093 --> 00:18:49,229 So you can see why a tryst of this nature 441 00:18:49,296 --> 00:18:51,030 is completely unacceptable. 442 00:18:51,097 --> 00:18:54,201 It's not like we couldn't have foreseen this, 443 00:18:54,267 --> 00:18:56,903 given that your son has spent the bulk of his adult life 444 00:18:56,969 --> 00:18:59,472 humping his way through the greater Los Angeles area. 445 00:19:01,541 --> 00:19:04,511 Oh, and like this booze-addled tart is an innocent victim. 446 00:19:04,577 --> 00:19:07,214 Hey, I'm drunk, not deaf. 447 00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:10,116 Just get out of bed and get dressed. 448 00:19:12,084 --> 00:19:13,653 Well, that was humiliating. 449 00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:15,522 Just be glad we didn't have to tell them 450 00:19:15,588 --> 00:19:17,156 about our little experiment. 451 00:19:17,224 --> 00:19:18,358 EVELYN: Don't remind me. 452 00:19:18,425 --> 00:19:20,126 Oh, you loved it. 453 00:19:20,193 --> 00:19:22,429 Oh, a third-act twist. 454 00:19:25,064 --> 00:19:26,032 Wow. 455 00:19:26,098 --> 00:19:27,700 Yeah. 456 00:19:27,767 --> 00:19:31,037 I am so horny right now I can't believe it. 457 00:19:31,103 --> 00:19:32,639 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 458 00:19:32,705 --> 00:19:36,576 Did you miss what just went down here... Sis? 459 00:19:36,643 --> 00:19:39,679 Oh, come on. It's not like we're gonna get married 460 00:19:39,746 --> 00:19:42,014 and have a bunch of web-footed kids.. 461 00:19:42,081 --> 00:19:46,419 You have absolutely no boundaries, do you? 462 00:19:46,486 --> 00:19:50,223 Well... I don't like fat guys. 463 00:19:50,290 --> 00:19:54,026 Interesting. 464 00:19:54,093 --> 00:19:57,364 Turns out... I draw the line at incest. 465 00:19:59,098 --> 00:20:00,567 So you'd do a fat guy? 466 00:20:03,436 --> 00:20:05,104 Do you hear that? 467 00:20:05,171 --> 00:20:06,673 Charlie found his boundary. 468 00:20:06,739 --> 00:20:08,375 It's a miracle. 469 00:20:08,441 --> 00:20:10,142 A Christmas miracle. 470 00:20:20,186 --> 00:20:23,656 Judith, can I just say that this was the best Christmas ever. 471 00:20:23,723 --> 00:20:26,359 Yeah, well, don't get used to it. 472 00:20:26,426 --> 00:20:28,661 "'Twas the night before Christmas 473 00:20:28,728 --> 00:20:30,263 "And all through the house 474 00:20:30,330 --> 00:20:32,399 Not a creature was stirring..." 475 00:20:32,465 --> 00:20:34,401 (vomiting) 476 00:20:37,337 --> 00:20:38,738 Okay, just so we're clear. 477 00:20:38,805 --> 00:20:41,308 We are only doing this to piss off my mom? 478 00:20:41,374 --> 00:20:43,376 You have a problem with that? 479 00:20:43,443 --> 00:20:48,180 No, that makes it better.