1 00:00:02,736 --> 00:00:05,106 So you understand the situation? 2 00:00:05,173 --> 00:00:06,574 I think so. 3 00:00:06,640 --> 00:00:08,409 Now that we're not married anymore, 4 00:00:08,476 --> 00:00:09,943 you want to sell my condo. 5 00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:11,545 No, no, it's, it's our condo. 6 00:00:11,612 --> 00:00:13,081 I got it for us. 7 00:00:13,147 --> 00:00:14,582 Not the smartest thing I ever did, 8 00:00:14,648 --> 00:00:18,552 but my real estate adviser was my penis. 9 00:00:18,619 --> 00:00:20,121 Is that what they mean 10 00:00:20,188 --> 00:00:22,590 when they say the market's gone soft? 11 00:00:22,656 --> 00:00:25,493 I don't think so. 12 00:00:25,559 --> 00:00:27,027 Look, my point is 13 00:00:27,095 --> 00:00:28,429 I can't afford to carry the mortgage 14 00:00:28,496 --> 00:00:30,030 on this place, but if we sell it, 15 00:00:30,098 --> 00:00:31,565 then we can split the profit. 16 00:00:31,632 --> 00:00:33,334 Or I could buy you out. 17 00:00:33,401 --> 00:00:34,735 Do you have money? 18 00:00:34,802 --> 00:00:37,138 I will after we sell. 19 00:00:37,205 --> 00:00:39,107 I am at the end of my rope. 20 00:00:39,173 --> 00:00:41,041 If can't get out from under these bills, 21 00:00:41,109 --> 00:00:43,411 I may well have to declare bankruptcy. 22 00:00:43,477 --> 00:00:45,213 Wow, 23 00:00:45,279 --> 00:00:46,514 that sounds really serious. 24 00:00:46,580 --> 00:00:48,582 It is deadly serious. 25 00:00:48,649 --> 00:00:52,686 Well, in that case... 26 00:00:52,753 --> 00:00:55,055 Want to have sex? 27 00:00:55,123 --> 00:00:56,190 What? 28 00:00:56,257 --> 00:00:57,491 I'm horny, you're stressed, 29 00:00:57,558 --> 00:01:00,194 seems like we both benefit. 30 00:01:00,261 --> 00:01:03,464 Well, I am really stressed. 31 00:01:03,531 --> 00:01:04,698 No, that's not going to solve anything! 32 00:01:04,765 --> 00:01:06,167 Okay. 33 00:01:06,234 --> 00:01:08,136 Well, I'm gonna go take a shower. 34 00:01:08,202 --> 00:01:09,570 Let me know if you change your mind. 35 00:01:09,637 --> 00:01:10,771 I changed my mind. 36 00:01:14,275 --> 00:01:15,409 (snorts) 37 00:01:17,278 --> 00:01:18,679 (groans) 38 00:01:18,746 --> 00:01:21,482 I either drank too much... 39 00:01:21,549 --> 00:01:24,252 or got hit by a train. 40 00:01:27,655 --> 00:01:29,657 Oh, God... train. 41 00:01:29,723 --> 00:01:31,259 Charlie. 42 00:01:33,727 --> 00:01:35,363 Oh, look, 43 00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:38,732 it's my sweet angel come to take me to heaven. 44 00:01:38,799 --> 00:01:41,502 Don't touch me. 45 00:01:41,569 --> 00:01:43,637 I hope you're proud of yourself. 46 00:01:43,704 --> 00:01:47,074 Well, I didn't wake up in my own vomit, 47 00:01:47,141 --> 00:01:48,542 so, yeah, kinda. 48 00:01:50,244 --> 00:01:52,546 You are such a child. 49 00:01:52,613 --> 00:01:53,714 Many people find that 50 00:01:53,781 --> 00:01:55,783 to be an endearing quality. 51 00:01:55,849 --> 00:01:58,118 I'm not one of them. 52 00:01:58,186 --> 00:02:01,822 It would appear not. 53 00:02:01,889 --> 00:02:03,824 We had fun last night, though, right? 54 00:02:03,891 --> 00:02:05,393 Oh, terrific. 55 00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:07,795 What woman doesn't enjoy pleasing a man 56 00:02:07,861 --> 00:02:12,099 who falls asleep while he's in the middle of reciprocating? 57 00:02:12,166 --> 00:02:15,336 That explains why I dreamt I was kissing Abe Lincoln. 58 00:02:29,283 --> 00:02:34,588 Okay, some underwear, no need to panic. 59 00:02:34,655 --> 00:02:37,725 And a little bit of makeup, no biggie. 60 00:02:37,791 --> 00:02:41,295 Running shoes, reading glasses, flannel nightgown 61 00:02:41,362 --> 00:02:44,365 and the latest issue of Modern Bride magazine. 62 00:02:44,432 --> 00:02:46,166 Red alert. 63 00:02:47,635 --> 00:02:49,470 Lydia? What? 64 00:02:52,340 --> 00:02:55,142 I couldn't help but notice that you put some of your stuff 65 00:02:55,209 --> 00:02:56,510 in one of my drawers. 66 00:02:56,577 --> 00:02:59,179 Yeah. Hey, you want to come in here 67 00:02:59,247 --> 00:03:00,414 and make up for last night? 68 00:03:00,481 --> 00:03:03,150 Well, yeah, but I think we should talk 69 00:03:03,217 --> 00:03:03,884 about this drawer thing. 70 00:03:03,951 --> 00:03:05,586 Okay, 71 00:03:05,653 --> 00:03:08,356 talk. 72 00:03:11,525 --> 00:03:14,362 Four score and seven years ago 73 00:03:14,428 --> 00:03:16,464 our fathers brought forth a upon this continent 74 00:03:16,530 --> 00:03:17,898 a new nation... 75 00:03:17,965 --> 00:03:21,269 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 76 00:03:21,335 --> 00:03:24,538 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh 77 00:03:24,605 --> 00:03:27,541 * Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh 78 00:03:27,608 --> 00:03:29,743 * Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... * 79 00:03:29,810 --> 00:03:32,413 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 80 00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:35,416 * Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 81 00:03:35,483 --> 00:03:38,486 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 82 00:03:48,896 --> 00:03:51,164 Morning. 83 00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:54,302 That was a great job. 84 00:03:54,368 --> 00:03:57,271 Yeah, you know it's good when you feel dirtier 85 00:03:57,338 --> 00:03:59,873 coming out than you did going in. 86 00:03:59,940 --> 00:04:01,842 So what are you doing? 87 00:04:01,909 --> 00:04:03,344 Just practicing. 88 00:04:03,411 --> 00:04:04,244 For what? 89 00:04:04,312 --> 00:04:05,346 Nothing in particular. 90 00:04:05,413 --> 00:04:06,914 Just keeping sharp for my work. 91 00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:09,249 Oh, yeah, your little jingle thing. 92 00:04:11,352 --> 00:04:13,587 Hard to believe that takes practice. 93 00:04:21,362 --> 00:04:23,964 Berta, I'd like some scrambled egg whites, 94 00:04:24,031 --> 00:04:26,567 dry wheat toast and Earl Grey tea. 95 00:04:26,634 --> 00:04:28,569 Oh, yeah? well, I'd like some new shoes 96 00:04:28,636 --> 00:04:31,004 a jet pack and a waistline. 97 00:04:35,976 --> 00:04:38,211 You really thought she was going 98 00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:39,513 to make you breakfast? 99 00:04:46,554 --> 00:04:47,455 Yo, bro. 100 00:04:47,521 --> 00:04:49,323 Hey. 101 00:04:49,390 --> 00:04:50,358 How'd it go with Kandi? 102 00:04:50,424 --> 00:04:53,361 (chuckling): Great, just great. 103 00:04:53,427 --> 00:04:56,330 Turns out we can be friends with benefits. 104 00:04:56,397 --> 00:04:59,232 Ooh, nice. Did she agree to sell the condo? 105 00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:00,434 What? 106 00:05:00,501 --> 00:05:01,969 Isn't that why 107 00:05:02,035 --> 00:05:03,437 you went over there in the first place? 108 00:05:03,504 --> 00:05:06,607 Oh, yeah. 109 00:05:06,674 --> 00:05:10,210 Son of a bitch! 110 00:05:10,277 --> 00:05:11,545 Charlie, 111 00:05:11,612 --> 00:05:13,381 you need to talk to your maid. 112 00:05:13,447 --> 00:05:15,182 Shh-shh-shh-shh! Keep your voice down. 113 00:05:15,248 --> 00:05:17,117 Yeah, we don't use the "M" word around here. 114 00:05:17,184 --> 00:05:18,386 Why not? 115 00:05:18,452 --> 00:05:19,487 Because it's disrespectful. 116 00:05:19,553 --> 00:05:20,654 And demeaning. 117 00:05:20,721 --> 00:05:22,222 And wildly inaccurate. 118 00:05:26,394 --> 00:05:29,162 The point is, Berta's the one who keeps this house running, 119 00:05:29,229 --> 00:05:31,365 and more important, she's kinda like family. 120 00:05:31,432 --> 00:05:34,101 She's rude, offensive and vulgar. 121 00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:37,170 Okay, exactly like family. 122 00:05:37,237 --> 00:05:38,672 Fine. 123 00:05:38,739 --> 00:05:41,208 See if she'll do that thing with the ice cubes 124 00:05:41,274 --> 00:05:43,611 and the silk handkerchief you like so much. 125 00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:45,513 Come on, sweetie, don't be like that. 126 00:05:45,579 --> 00:05:48,215 Ice cubes and a silk handkerchief? 127 00:05:48,281 --> 00:05:50,918 You can also use a Popsicle and a necktie. 128 00:05:50,984 --> 00:05:53,220 But I do owe you a silk handkerchief. 129 00:05:56,390 --> 00:05:58,559 And your Water Pik's kinda iffy. 130 00:06:01,028 --> 00:06:02,362 And whatever you do, 131 00:06:02,430 --> 00:06:04,331 don't lick your hairbrush. 132 00:06:08,502 --> 00:06:10,370 * Men. 133 00:06:10,438 --> 00:06:14,307 I'm sorry to come over here and bother you again, 134 00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:16,209 but we never finished talking about selling the condo. 135 00:06:16,276 --> 00:06:18,245 But I don't want to sell the condo. 136 00:06:18,311 --> 00:06:19,947 I can see boats from here. 137 00:06:20,013 --> 00:06:24,117 I understand, but I can't afford the payments. 138 00:06:24,184 --> 00:06:27,588 I like boats. 139 00:06:27,655 --> 00:06:29,189 All right, well, if you won't... 140 00:06:29,256 --> 00:06:31,425 you won't cooperate, I'll just have 141 00:06:31,492 --> 00:06:32,593 to call my lawyer. 142 00:06:32,660 --> 00:06:34,227 What are you doing? 143 00:06:34,294 --> 00:06:37,297 Chester lost his bone. I'm looking for it. 144 00:06:37,364 --> 00:06:39,332 Now? Can't it wait? 145 00:06:39,399 --> 00:06:41,702 No, when Chester wakes up from his nap, 146 00:06:41,769 --> 00:06:43,403 he's gonna want his bone. 147 00:06:43,471 --> 00:06:45,272 You can keep talking. 148 00:06:45,338 --> 00:06:48,108 Okay, well, as I said, 149 00:06:48,175 --> 00:06:52,412 if you won't be reasonable, I'll just have to... 150 00:06:52,480 --> 00:06:54,448 to.. 151 00:06:54,515 --> 00:06:58,519 Have to what, Alan? 152 00:06:58,586 --> 00:07:00,187 Son of a bitch! 153 00:07:03,123 --> 00:07:04,692 * Men. 154 00:07:07,795 --> 00:07:09,530 (gasps) 155 00:07:09,597 --> 00:07:10,631 What the...?! 156 00:07:13,266 --> 00:07:14,468 We need to talk. 157 00:07:18,305 --> 00:07:20,373 Okay. 158 00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:22,710 I don't mind your girlfriends throwing the occasional thong 159 00:07:22,776 --> 00:07:24,411 or panties into the hamper. 160 00:07:24,478 --> 00:07:27,648 I just boil 'em and sell 'em at the swap meet, 161 00:07:27,715 --> 00:07:30,217 but this broad is taking advantage 162 00:07:30,283 --> 00:07:32,385 of my easygoing nature. 163 00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:35,756 Now, to be fair, 164 00:07:35,823 --> 00:07:38,291 Lydia does have her positive attributes. 165 00:07:38,358 --> 00:07:40,393 Yeah, well, I ain't hitting any of them attributes 166 00:07:40,460 --> 00:07:42,395 so I don't give a rat's ass. 167 00:07:42,462 --> 00:07:44,498 All right, all right. 168 00:07:44,565 --> 00:07:46,767 You know what she said to me, Charlie? 169 00:07:46,834 --> 00:07:49,236 She said I need to learn my place around here. 170 00:07:49,302 --> 00:07:51,371 Oh, she didn't. 171 00:07:51,438 --> 00:07:54,441 Ah, but she did. 172 00:07:54,508 --> 00:07:57,444 Is that true, Charlie? 173 00:07:57,511 --> 00:08:00,548 Do I need to learn my place around here? 174 00:08:00,614 --> 00:08:02,550 No, Berta, we all know our place. 175 00:08:02,616 --> 00:08:03,684 And where is that place, Charlie? 176 00:08:03,751 --> 00:08:04,585 Wherever you want it to be. 177 00:08:04,652 --> 00:08:06,253 There's only room 178 00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:08,589 for one alpha dog in this house. I know. 179 00:08:08,656 --> 00:08:10,390 And who is that alpha dog, Charlie? 180 00:08:10,457 --> 00:08:12,225 You are. Say it. You're the alpha dog. 181 00:08:12,292 --> 00:08:14,695 Aw, you sweet talker you. 182 00:08:17,230 --> 00:08:19,432 We'll just pretend that's morning wood. 183 00:08:24,572 --> 00:08:25,739 * Men. 184 00:08:34,815 --> 00:08:36,684 Hi, how's it going? 185 00:08:36,750 --> 00:08:39,553 Well, look who's finally up. 186 00:08:39,620 --> 00:08:41,254 I need some lotion on my back. 187 00:08:41,321 --> 00:08:43,557 Oh, sure. 188 00:08:43,624 --> 00:08:46,159 Listen, I have to talk to you about Berta. 189 00:08:46,226 --> 00:08:49,462 For God's sake, Charlie, grow a pair. 190 00:08:51,599 --> 00:08:53,266 Is this your house or hers? 191 00:08:53,333 --> 00:08:56,770 Well, my name's on the deed, but she was here first. 192 00:08:56,837 --> 00:08:59,239 Thing is, over the years 193 00:08:59,306 --> 00:09:00,373 Berta and I have developed 194 00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:02,175 a really nice working relationship. 195 00:09:02,242 --> 00:09:03,376 Do my thighs. 196 00:09:06,379 --> 00:09:07,447 Right. 197 00:09:07,514 --> 00:09:09,583 And the key to a happy home, I find, 198 00:09:09,650 --> 00:09:11,218 is to not rock the boat. 199 00:09:11,284 --> 00:09:12,419 Not tamper with that balance. 200 00:09:12,485 --> 00:09:14,254 So you really need to make the effort... 201 00:09:14,321 --> 00:09:15,856 Where is she now? 202 00:09:15,923 --> 00:09:18,358 Huh? Oh, she went shopping. 203 00:09:18,425 --> 00:09:20,160 Anybody else around? 204 00:09:20,227 --> 00:09:22,362 No. Anyway, the thing with Berta... 205 00:09:22,429 --> 00:09:25,332 Why don't you put some sunscreen on your cute little bottom? 206 00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:27,167 What for? 207 00:09:27,234 --> 00:09:29,502 'Cause I wouldn't want you to get a nasty burn. 208 00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:31,371 Why would I get a nasty...? 209 00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:35,575 Oh, we have sex. 210 00:09:35,643 --> 00:09:39,179 Good thing you're pretty 'cause you're very slow. 211 00:09:39,246 --> 00:09:41,682 * Men 212 00:09:46,987 --> 00:09:49,156 (mimics Lydia): Grow a pair, Charlie. 213 00:09:54,161 --> 00:09:57,030 Hey, Alan, come here. 214 00:09:57,097 --> 00:09:58,531 What's going on? 215 00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:00,400 I'm doing Lydia's laundry. 216 00:10:00,467 --> 00:10:03,637 Can I throw in my handkerchief? 217 00:10:03,704 --> 00:10:04,705 It wouldn't help. 218 00:10:04,772 --> 00:10:06,173 You'll probably have to burn it. 219 00:10:07,675 --> 00:10:10,543 Okay. And why are you doing Lydia's laundry? 220 00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:12,279 'Cause Berta won't. 221 00:10:12,345 --> 00:10:13,714 Then why doesn't Lydia do it herself? 222 00:10:13,781 --> 00:10:15,515 'Cause I told her I'd get Berta to do it. 223 00:10:15,582 --> 00:10:19,486 Aha. And do you have any idea how to do laundry? 224 00:10:19,552 --> 00:10:21,121 Oh, come on. You wash 'em, you dry 'em. 225 00:10:21,188 --> 00:10:22,155 How tough could it be? 226 00:10:22,222 --> 00:10:23,556 So what do you need me for? 227 00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:26,559 Which one's the washer? 228 00:10:29,797 --> 00:10:31,298 That one. 229 00:10:31,364 --> 00:10:32,565 Thanks. 230 00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:36,336 Just kidding. It's that one. 231 00:10:38,505 --> 00:10:39,606 Sorry. It was the first one. 232 00:10:41,742 --> 00:10:43,777 Look, it says "Wash" on the dial. 233 00:10:45,478 --> 00:10:46,747 Okay, okay, I can do this. 234 00:10:46,814 --> 00:10:48,716 I just turn it on and stick 'em in. 235 00:10:48,782 --> 00:10:53,520 It's a washing machine, not a cocktail waitress. 236 00:10:53,586 --> 00:10:56,589 Let's start by separating the delicates. 237 00:10:56,656 --> 00:11:00,293 How is that not like a cocktail waitress? 238 00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:03,663 The reason you need to do these separately 239 00:11:03,731 --> 00:11:05,232 is they're mostly synthetic. 240 00:11:05,298 --> 00:11:07,034 Add a beat-up Civic and an ex-husband 241 00:11:07,100 --> 00:11:08,568 and we're back to cocktail waitress. 242 00:11:10,670 --> 00:11:12,539 Charming. Hand me the detergent. 243 00:11:12,605 --> 00:11:14,742 This stuff here? 244 00:11:14,808 --> 00:11:16,643 No, no, that's fabric softener. 245 00:11:16,710 --> 00:11:18,578 You put that in after the first rinse cycle. 246 00:11:21,614 --> 00:11:24,651 You know what? Maybe I'll just buy her some new clothes. 247 00:11:24,718 --> 00:11:26,820 Don't be such a baby. 248 00:11:26,887 --> 00:11:28,588 Detergent. 249 00:11:28,655 --> 00:11:29,823 See? 250 00:11:29,890 --> 00:11:33,426 Here we go. 251 00:11:33,493 --> 00:11:34,561 Cold wash. 252 00:11:34,627 --> 00:11:35,763 Cold rinse. 253 00:11:35,829 --> 00:11:37,164 Gentle cycle. 254 00:11:37,230 --> 00:11:38,165 Done. 255 00:11:38,231 --> 00:11:39,566 (water running) 256 00:11:39,632 --> 00:11:40,700 What's that? 257 00:11:42,836 --> 00:11:45,405 That would be water entering the washing machine. 258 00:11:46,639 --> 00:11:48,441 Amazing. Mmm. 259 00:11:50,143 --> 00:11:51,544 Yeah, it's pretty cutting edge. 260 00:11:56,283 --> 00:11:57,217 (water flow stops) 261 00:11:59,820 --> 00:12:01,454 Did I break it? 262 00:12:02,522 --> 00:12:04,624 Close the lid. 263 00:12:04,691 --> 00:12:06,559 (water running) 264 00:12:08,428 --> 00:12:09,562 Well, son of a gun. 265 00:12:14,167 --> 00:12:17,104 (water flow stops) 266 00:12:17,170 --> 00:12:18,105 (water running) 267 00:12:18,171 --> 00:12:20,573 (water stops) 268 00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:22,109 (water running) 269 00:12:23,410 --> 00:12:25,245 what will they think of next? 270 00:12:26,646 --> 00:12:29,349 Yeah, I hear scientists are working on a machine 271 00:12:29,416 --> 00:12:32,652 that can cook two pieces of bread at the same time. 272 00:12:38,658 --> 00:12:40,360 Yeah, yeah, yeah, very funny. 273 00:12:40,427 --> 00:12:41,261 Now what? 274 00:12:41,328 --> 00:12:42,562 We wait. 275 00:12:42,629 --> 00:12:44,564 How will we know when they're done? 276 00:12:44,631 --> 00:12:47,434 Don't worry, the machine'll call you on your cell phone. 277 00:12:48,969 --> 00:12:49,903 Really? 278 00:12:57,644 --> 00:12:59,279 I don't know what Berta is always complaining about. 279 00:12:59,346 --> 00:13:00,914 This is kinda fun. 280 00:13:00,981 --> 00:13:03,851 Yeah, well, you're dealing with pretty-girl underwear. 281 00:13:03,917 --> 00:13:05,452 Berta has gotta handle Jake's skivvies 282 00:13:05,518 --> 00:13:07,720 after P.E. and pudding pops. 283 00:13:07,787 --> 00:13:08,889 Good point. 284 00:13:10,690 --> 00:13:11,691 What are you doing? 285 00:13:11,758 --> 00:13:13,560 Pouring a glass of vodka. 286 00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:14,828 Is that part of "doing the laundry"? 287 00:13:14,895 --> 00:13:17,197 'Cause I could really get into this. 288 00:13:17,264 --> 00:13:19,266 No, I'm just mad at myself. 289 00:13:19,332 --> 00:13:20,733 Well, in that case, pour me one. 290 00:13:21,734 --> 00:13:23,470 I'm mad at you, too. 291 00:13:25,538 --> 00:13:27,374 So what's the problem? 292 00:13:27,440 --> 00:13:28,675 I went over to Kandi's again. 293 00:13:28,741 --> 00:13:30,477 And how'd that go? 294 00:13:30,543 --> 00:13:32,479 Not only are we not selling the condo, 295 00:13:32,545 --> 00:13:34,447 I may have promised to buy her a new fridge. 296 00:13:34,514 --> 00:13:35,949 Oh, Alan. 297 00:13:36,016 --> 00:13:38,585 She likes getting ice without having to open the door. 298 00:13:38,651 --> 00:13:40,888 You poor, whipped sap. 299 00:13:40,954 --> 00:13:42,589 Me? What about you? 300 00:13:42,655 --> 00:13:43,924 What about me? 301 00:13:43,991 --> 00:13:45,225 Charlie, you're doing a woman's laundry. 302 00:13:45,292 --> 00:13:46,559 No, no, no. No. See, 303 00:13:46,626 --> 00:13:48,195 that's just me trying to pitch in. 304 00:13:48,261 --> 00:13:49,696 Oh, just face it. Lydia's got you 305 00:13:49,762 --> 00:13:50,563 wrapped around her little finger. 306 00:13:50,630 --> 00:13:53,633 She does not. 307 00:13:53,700 --> 00:13:54,902 She uses this one. 308 00:13:56,970 --> 00:14:00,673 And it's not so much wrapped as... skewered. 309 00:14:02,675 --> 00:14:04,611 Who's using my washing machine? 310 00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:06,279 Excuse me, but it's my washing machine, 311 00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:08,781 and I'm using it to wash Lydia's clothes. 312 00:14:08,848 --> 00:14:10,483 You're doing laundry? 313 00:14:10,550 --> 00:14:12,652 Hey, it's not rocket science. 314 00:14:12,719 --> 00:14:14,922 Cold wash, cold rinse, gentle cycle, 315 00:14:14,988 --> 00:14:17,290 but first, you separate the delicates. 316 00:14:17,357 --> 00:14:17,991 Is that so? 317 00:14:18,058 --> 00:14:19,392 Yeah, that's so. 318 00:14:19,459 --> 00:14:21,228 (phone rings) 319 00:14:21,294 --> 00:14:23,730 That's probably them now. 320 00:14:26,499 --> 00:14:27,700 Hello. 321 00:14:27,767 --> 00:14:29,002 Oh, hey, Mom. 322 00:14:29,069 --> 00:14:30,938 I thought you were my washing machine. 323 00:14:36,309 --> 00:14:38,645 * Men. 324 00:14:38,711 --> 00:14:40,680 Rodney Cerman's the lone setback. 325 00:14:40,747 --> 00:14:41,881 Fox straight back again. He's got... 326 00:14:41,949 --> 00:14:43,316 Oh, come on-- throw the ball. 327 00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:44,517 Throw the ball! 328 00:14:44,584 --> 00:14:48,555 Or... fall down. 329 00:14:48,621 --> 00:14:50,757 Charlie, I'm leaving. 330 00:14:50,823 --> 00:14:51,925 Bye. 331 00:14:54,627 --> 00:14:55,762 I'd like a kiss. 332 00:15:01,634 --> 00:15:05,638 She's still there, isn't she? 333 00:15:05,705 --> 00:15:06,906 Yep. 334 00:15:06,974 --> 00:15:09,342 Just kidding, sweetie. 335 00:15:09,409 --> 00:15:10,777 That's better. 336 00:15:10,843 --> 00:15:11,979 Good-bye, Jake. 337 00:15:12,045 --> 00:15:13,913 I'm not kissing you. 338 00:15:13,981 --> 00:15:16,483 Oh, Charlie, I almost forgot. 339 00:15:16,549 --> 00:15:18,585 I'm serving hors d'oeuvres at an open house tomorrow, 340 00:15:18,651 --> 00:15:20,653 so I'll need to borrow Berta for a couple of hours. 341 00:15:20,720 --> 00:15:22,555 Say what? 342 00:15:22,622 --> 00:15:23,823 I'm talking to Charlie. 343 00:15:23,890 --> 00:15:25,458 You don't mind, do you? 344 00:15:25,525 --> 00:15:27,995 Mind? Well, I, uh... 345 00:15:28,061 --> 00:15:29,596 You want to borrow me? 346 00:15:29,662 --> 00:15:32,632 What am I, a carpet steamer? 347 00:15:32,699 --> 00:15:34,467 I'm not saying I won't pay you. 348 00:15:34,534 --> 00:15:36,369 Plus, you can take home all the leftovers. 349 00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:38,938 Oh, gee, why don't you just toss them all in a big bowl, 350 00:15:39,006 --> 00:15:40,740 and I'll eat them out in the yard? 351 00:15:40,807 --> 00:15:42,475 Well, that's a little uncalled for. 352 00:15:42,542 --> 00:15:43,977 I thought I was doing you a favor. 353 00:15:44,044 --> 00:15:46,446 You want to do me a favor, you take the money 354 00:15:46,513 --> 00:15:47,680 that you were going to pay me, 355 00:15:47,747 --> 00:15:49,516 convert it into rolls of nickels, 356 00:15:49,582 --> 00:15:50,583 then bend over and... Berta! 357 00:15:50,650 --> 00:15:51,584 Berta! Berta. 358 00:15:55,588 --> 00:15:58,325 Well, I don't have to stand here and listen to this. 359 00:15:58,391 --> 00:15:59,592 Charlie, you have to make a decision. 360 00:15:59,659 --> 00:16:01,661 It's her... or me. 361 00:16:01,728 --> 00:16:04,697 The skank's right, Charlie. 362 00:16:05,999 --> 00:16:07,000 It's her or me. 363 00:16:10,737 --> 00:16:12,472 Great. 364 00:16:12,539 --> 00:16:14,607 That's just great. 365 00:16:14,674 --> 00:16:18,678 Did somebody say there was a big bowl of food? 366 00:16:20,980 --> 00:16:22,882 * Men. 367 00:16:22,949 --> 00:16:25,785 You got an offer on the condo? 368 00:16:25,852 --> 00:16:28,655 Oh. Oh, Mom, you're a lifesaver. 369 00:16:28,721 --> 00:16:31,124 I don't care. I fully expect to take a loss. 370 00:16:31,191 --> 00:16:33,593 At least I don't have to pay you a commission. 371 00:16:33,660 --> 00:16:36,596 Oh, come on, you're my mother. 372 00:16:36,663 --> 00:16:38,898 Wait, wait, hang on, Mom, I've got another call coming in. 373 00:16:38,965 --> 00:16:40,600 Hello. 374 00:16:40,667 --> 00:16:41,934 Oh, oh, Kandi, Kandi, hello. 375 00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:43,803 Yeah, listen. Um, about the condo. 376 00:16:43,870 --> 00:16:47,674 My mom just got a very reasonable offer and... 377 00:16:47,740 --> 00:16:50,610 I give up. What are you wearing? 378 00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:51,544 Hang on. 379 00:16:51,611 --> 00:16:52,612 Mom, I gotta go. 380 00:16:52,679 --> 00:16:53,880 Kandi, I'll be right there. 381 00:16:57,684 --> 00:16:58,851 (whispers): Hey. 382 00:16:58,918 --> 00:16:59,786 Is Berta here? 383 00:16:59,852 --> 00:17:00,987 I haven't seen her. 384 00:17:01,054 --> 00:17:02,689 Great. 385 00:17:02,755 --> 00:17:04,757 I have to admit, Charlie, I never thought you'd have 386 00:17:04,824 --> 00:17:05,625 the cojones to fire Berta. 387 00:17:05,692 --> 00:17:06,826 Are you kidding? 388 00:17:06,893 --> 00:17:09,462 I've got huge cojones. 389 00:17:09,529 --> 00:17:11,164 Why do you think I'm wearing these baggy shorts? 390 00:17:15,001 --> 00:17:15,935 Wait. Wait, wait, wait. 391 00:17:16,002 --> 00:17:17,570 Wait, you fired Berta? 392 00:17:17,637 --> 00:17:19,872 Yes, Alan. 393 00:17:19,939 --> 00:17:22,475 She didn't know her place and she had to go. 394 00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:24,043 But we can't live without Berta. 395 00:17:26,079 --> 00:17:27,547 I'll be right there, sweetie. 396 00:17:27,614 --> 00:17:28,515 Hurry. 397 00:17:30,049 --> 00:17:31,851 You know what? 398 00:17:31,918 --> 00:17:33,653 We need to work on our communication skills. 399 00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:35,822 You know, I always thought that, but I didn't think 400 00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:38,024 you'd be open to... No, no, no, you jackass. 401 00:17:39,726 --> 00:17:42,962 God, you play along like a monkey with a mandolin. 402 00:17:43,029 --> 00:17:45,565 You mean you didn't fire Berta? 403 00:17:45,632 --> 00:17:47,500 That's it. Give me the mandolin. 404 00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:49,669 But you promised Berta you'd get rid of Lydia. 405 00:17:49,736 --> 00:17:52,139 Alan, do you know what this is? 406 00:17:52,205 --> 00:17:54,907 No. Then shut your stupid mouth. 407 00:17:54,974 --> 00:17:58,044 And don't tell Berta she was here. 408 00:17:58,111 --> 00:18:00,647 Fine. Just give me a heads up when you're lying. 409 00:18:00,713 --> 00:18:03,683 I'm always lying. 410 00:18:03,750 --> 00:18:05,918 I'll give you a heads up when I'm not. 411 00:18:05,985 --> 00:18:07,454 Yeah, you're the smart one. 412 00:18:07,520 --> 00:18:08,788 Know how I know? 413 00:18:08,855 --> 00:18:11,558 The washing machine called and told me. 414 00:18:18,665 --> 00:18:20,633 Ooh! High heels and Cool Whip. 415 00:18:23,636 --> 00:18:26,573 (toilet flushing) 416 00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:33,713 Oh, Charlie, how could you? 417 00:18:33,780 --> 00:18:37,150 Berta, this is not what it looks like. 418 00:18:37,217 --> 00:18:38,885 Charlie, you lied to me. 419 00:18:38,951 --> 00:18:41,921 Lydia, this is not what it looks like. 420 00:18:43,556 --> 00:18:44,224 That's it. I'm outta here. 421 00:18:44,291 --> 00:18:45,625 Me, too. 422 00:18:45,692 --> 00:18:47,794 Berta. Lydia. Oh, come on, wait! 423 00:18:47,860 --> 00:18:48,861 This is not what it looks like! 424 00:18:48,928 --> 00:18:50,062 (doors slam) 425 00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:52,965 Say it a few more times, Charlie. 426 00:18:53,032 --> 00:18:54,601 Maybe somebody will believe you. 427 00:18:59,672 --> 00:19:01,241 Berta. Berta, Berta, Berta. 428 00:19:01,308 --> 00:19:02,975 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You can't quit. 429 00:19:03,042 --> 00:19:04,877 Why not? Because we're family. 430 00:19:04,944 --> 00:19:06,579 We love each other. 431 00:19:06,646 --> 00:19:08,215 We forgive each other our shortcomings. 432 00:19:08,281 --> 00:19:09,582 Oh, bite me. 433 00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:11,518 Don't go, don't go. 434 00:19:11,584 --> 00:19:13,720 I promise I'll break it off with her. 435 00:19:13,786 --> 00:19:15,622 No, you won't. And you want to know why? 436 00:19:15,688 --> 00:19:17,290 'Cause you are addicted to this broad. 437 00:19:17,357 --> 00:19:18,725 Oh, that's ridiculous. 438 00:19:18,791 --> 00:19:20,593 I can stop anytime I want. 439 00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:22,695 No, you can't. You're a nookie junkie, 440 00:19:22,762 --> 00:19:24,597 and I just can't trust you anymore. 441 00:19:24,664 --> 00:19:26,599 No, no, no, no, no, wait. 442 00:19:26,666 --> 00:19:28,568 Wait! Wait, wait, wait, wait. 443 00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:32,104 You're right. 444 00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:33,940 I am addicted. 445 00:19:34,006 --> 00:19:36,943 I've got a vagina on my back, but I know I can get it off. 446 00:19:39,312 --> 00:19:41,614 I mean... you've got to help me. 447 00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:42,915 I can't help you, pal. 448 00:19:42,982 --> 00:19:44,651 You've got to help yourself. 449 00:19:44,717 --> 00:19:45,952 Good-bye, Charlie. 450 00:19:46,018 --> 00:19:47,119 Oh, come on, Berta, don't go. 451 00:19:47,186 --> 00:19:48,321 I'll do anything! 452 00:19:48,388 --> 00:19:49,956 I'm leaving now. 453 00:19:50,022 --> 00:19:51,224 You don't have to! 454 00:19:51,291 --> 00:19:53,626 I just fired her. 455 00:19:54,727 --> 00:19:56,128 Good-bye, Charlie. 456 00:19:56,195 --> 00:19:57,664 Oh, come on, Lydia, don't go. 457 00:19:57,730 --> 00:19:59,666 I'll do anything! 458 00:20:00,867 --> 00:20:01,968 You know what? 459 00:20:02,034 --> 00:20:03,870 I don't need either one of you. 460 00:20:03,936 --> 00:20:07,139 I can do my own laundry and I've got my own finger. 461 00:20:09,409 --> 00:20:11,311 * Men. 462 00:20:17,284 --> 00:20:18,851 I don't like it here. 463 00:20:18,918 --> 00:20:20,219 Well, tough. 464 00:20:20,287 --> 00:20:21,954 This is the only way I can get Berta to come back. 465 00:20:22,021 --> 00:20:23,956 But why do I have to be here? 466 00:20:24,023 --> 00:20:26,959 'Cause it's the only way you're ever gonna sell your condo. 467 00:20:29,262 --> 00:20:31,163 Okay, let's get started. 468 00:20:31,230 --> 00:20:33,300 Welcome to our regular Monday night meeting. 469 00:20:33,366 --> 00:20:34,867 Do we have any newcomers? 470 00:20:41,741 --> 00:20:43,843 My name is Charlie and, uh... 471 00:20:43,910 --> 00:20:46,313 my maid says I'm a sex addict. 472 00:20:46,379 --> 00:20:48,715 GROUP: Hi, Charlie. 473 00:20:57,890 --> 00:20:59,392 Uh, hi. 474 00:20:59,459 --> 00:21:02,929 Uh, I'm Alan and... 475 00:21:02,995 --> 00:21:04,697 I have a lovely condo for sale. 476 00:21:07,300 --> 00:21:09,902 And I'm a sex addict. 477 00:21:09,969 --> 00:21:11,371 GROUP: Hi, Alan. 478 00:21:11,438 --> 00:21:14,106 It's priced to move. 479 00:21:19,379 --> 00:21:22,114 Hi, my name is Pam... 480 00:21:22,181 --> 00:21:24,451 and I'm a sex addict. 481 00:21:24,517 --> 00:21:27,019 GROUP: Hi, Pam.