1
00:00:03,137 --> 00:00:06,907
Nachos, Red Hots, Milk Duds,
popcorn and a slushy.

2
00:00:06,974 --> 00:00:11,045
What are you doing,
building an ass bomb?

3
00:00:11,112 --> 00:00:12,313
Pick two.

4
00:00:12,380 --> 00:00:14,315
Okay, popcorn and Milk Duds.

5
00:00:14,382 --> 00:00:14,882
Fine.

6
00:00:14,948 --> 00:00:15,716
Large popcorn.

7
00:00:15,783 --> 00:00:16,884
Okay.

8
00:00:16,950 --> 00:00:18,486
But I'll still need a slushy

9
00:00:18,552 --> 00:00:20,588
so I don't choke to death
on a Milk Dud.

10
00:00:20,654 --> 00:00:21,922
All right.

11
00:00:21,989 --> 00:00:23,857
And ask then to put nacho cheese
on the popcorn.

12
00:00:25,459 --> 00:00:27,061
Oh, that reminds me.
I've got a date tonight.

13
00:00:27,128 --> 00:00:30,030
That reminds you?

14
00:00:30,098 --> 00:00:32,032
Yeah, and I'm gonna need
your help.

15
00:00:32,100 --> 00:00:33,067
My help?

16
00:00:33,134 --> 00:00:34,868
Next.
Hang on.

17
00:00:34,935 --> 00:00:38,038
Uh, a large popcorn
with cheese,

18
00:00:38,106 --> 00:00:41,041
a large slushy and a jumbo box
of Milk Duds.

19
00:00:41,109 --> 00:00:42,009
You want anything?
My treat.

20
00:00:42,076 --> 00:00:43,677
I'm okay.

21
00:00:43,744 --> 00:00:45,746
I'll just eat whatever lands
on the kid's shirt.

22
00:00:45,813 --> 00:00:47,115
You're gonna go hungry.

23
00:00:47,181 --> 00:00:49,917
That's it.

24
00:00:49,983 --> 00:00:51,452
So what about this date?

25
00:00:51,519 --> 00:00:53,654
Well, she got a friend
visiting from out of town.

26
00:00:53,721 --> 00:00:55,055
I said, "Fine," you know?

27
00:00:55,123 --> 00:00:57,691
Two's company.
Three's a sandwich.

28
00:00:57,758 --> 00:00:58,992
But for some reason,

29
00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:00,728
she insists on her friend
having her own date.

30
00:01:00,794 --> 00:01:01,862
So you're asking me?

31
00:01:01,929 --> 00:01:03,030
Yeah.

32
00:01:03,097 --> 00:01:05,366
The two of us out
making the scene

33
00:01:05,433 --> 00:01:06,100
with a couple hot chicks?

34
00:01:06,167 --> 00:01:08,136
Oh, Lord. Never mind.

35
00:01:08,202 --> 00:01:09,737
Don't be silly.
It'll be fun.

36
00:01:09,803 --> 00:01:10,771
We never double.

37
00:01:10,838 --> 00:01:12,140
That's not an accident, Alan.

38
00:01:12,206 --> 00:01:13,841
Come on.
Please, please, please?

39
00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:15,809
All right, all right.
Save your begging
for the date.

40
00:01:15,876 --> 00:01:17,010
I never beg.

41
00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:18,512
I grovel.

42
00:01:18,579 --> 00:01:20,080
Oh!

43
00:01:20,148 --> 00:01:22,015
I guess I'll have to find
a baby-sitter for Jake.

44
00:01:22,082 --> 00:01:24,452
I don't need a baby-sitter.
Nothing's going to happen to me.

45
00:01:24,518 --> 00:01:27,121
Who's worried about you?
I'm worried about my house.

46
00:01:27,188 --> 00:01:28,622
It's $24.50.

47
00:01:28,689 --> 00:01:31,392
Whoa. Okay.

48
00:01:31,459 --> 00:01:33,527
Oh, geez!

49
00:01:33,594 --> 00:01:34,928
What?

50
00:01:34,995 --> 00:01:36,964
I walked out of the house
without my wallet.

51
00:01:37,030 --> 00:01:37,831
Can you believe it?

52
00:01:37,898 --> 00:01:40,701
Strangely enough, I can.

53
00:01:40,768 --> 00:01:42,670
$24.50, please.

54
00:01:42,736 --> 00:01:44,772
Hang on.
I know what happened.

55
00:01:44,838 --> 00:01:46,974
Because you drove,
it didn't occur to me
to pick up my wallet.

56
00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:49,743
The only reason
I drove was because

57
00:01:49,810 --> 00:01:52,146
you said your car
was low on gas.

58
00:01:52,213 --> 00:01:54,482
$24.50, please.

59
00:01:54,548 --> 00:01:55,616
Just a minute.

60
00:01:55,683 --> 00:01:56,950
You said you'd pay
for parking,

61
00:01:57,017 --> 00:01:58,586
which now you won't
be able to do

62
00:01:58,652 --> 00:01:59,887
because you forgot
your wallet.

63
00:01:59,953 --> 00:02:01,054
Don't make
a big deal of it.

64
00:02:01,121 --> 00:02:02,190
I'll pay for parking
next time.

65
00:02:02,256 --> 00:02:03,691
That's what you said
last time.

66
00:02:03,757 --> 00:02:05,693
Yes, but this time
I forgot my wallet.

67
00:02:05,759 --> 00:02:08,095
CROWD:
$24.50, please.

68
00:02:10,564 --> 00:02:13,201
Fine, I'll pay.

69
00:02:13,267 --> 00:02:14,968
Ooh, you know what?

70
00:02:15,035 --> 00:02:18,739
Why don't you throw in
a bagel dog make it an even $30?

71
00:02:18,806 --> 00:02:21,809
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *

72
00:02:21,875 --> 00:02:24,512
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
* Ooh

73
00:02:24,578 --> 00:02:28,482
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men *
* Ooh
* Ooh

74
00:02:28,549 --> 00:02:30,618
* Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

75
00:02:30,684 --> 00:02:33,187
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *

76
00:02:33,254 --> 00:02:36,190
* Ooh
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *

77
00:02:36,257 --> 00:02:39,126
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.

78
00:02:49,437 --> 00:02:50,571
Bye.

79
00:02:50,638 --> 00:02:52,406
I'm trusting you to act
responsibly

80
00:02:52,473 --> 00:02:53,774
and go to bed
at a reasonable hour.

81
00:02:53,841 --> 00:02:55,876
Okay.

82
00:02:55,943 --> 00:02:59,447
You know, this is a real
turning point for you.

83
00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:01,849
You're taking care
of yourself.

84
00:03:01,915 --> 00:03:03,551
You're becoming a man.

85
00:03:03,617 --> 00:03:06,554
You, too.

86
00:03:06,620 --> 00:03:09,490
Boy, it seems
like only yesterday

87
00:03:09,557 --> 00:03:11,525
that I was bringing you home
from the hospital.

88
00:03:11,592 --> 00:03:14,628
You were, you were like
a little wrinkly pig with colic.

89
00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:17,665
Yeah. You going or not?

90
00:03:19,467 --> 00:03:20,634
You ready?

91
00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:21,702
Hang on.

92
00:03:23,604 --> 00:03:25,673
Good-bye, my son.

93
00:03:25,739 --> 00:03:29,343
Save it for the date, Dad.

94
00:03:33,514 --> 00:03:35,316
Don't burn the place down,
and if you do,

95
00:03:35,383 --> 00:03:37,351
don't be here
when I get back.

96
00:03:38,686 --> 00:03:42,222
He knows to drink
the cheap Scotch,

97
00:03:42,290 --> 00:03:43,391
not the single malt, right?

98
00:03:43,457 --> 00:03:44,258
That's not funny.

99
00:03:44,325 --> 00:03:45,593
I'm not joking.

100
00:03:45,659 --> 00:03:46,894
He's probably just
going to mix it

101
00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:48,562
with Hawaiian Punch
anyway.

102
00:03:48,629 --> 00:03:49,897
* Men.

103
00:03:51,832 --> 00:03:54,335
Oh, God, I am so full.

104
00:03:54,402 --> 00:03:56,770
I don't think I could put
another thing in my mouth.

105
00:03:56,837 --> 00:03:59,940
I'll bet just a
figure of speech.

106
00:04:02,410 --> 00:04:04,645
This is such a
beautiful restaurant.

107
00:04:04,712 --> 00:04:06,814
They don't have anything
like this back home.

108
00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:09,283
Really? They don't have
nice restaurants in Idaho?

109
00:04:09,350 --> 00:04:10,651
Oh, well, yeah, I mean

110
00:04:10,718 --> 00:04:12,720
we have a T.G.I. Fridays
and an Applebee's.

111
00:04:12,786 --> 00:04:15,789
But you never see movie
stars like we did here.

112
00:04:15,856 --> 00:04:18,659
Nina, they're just
regular people.

113
00:04:18,726 --> 00:04:21,962
And technically, I wouldn't call
Geraldo Rivera a movie star.

114
00:04:22,029 --> 00:04:25,433
Well, I thought
it was very exciting.

115
00:04:25,499 --> 00:04:27,568
And since I'm only in town
for the weekend,

116
00:04:27,635 --> 00:04:30,638
I think we should go
absolutely crazy tonight.

117
00:04:32,740 --> 00:04:34,675
You two like to switch dates?

118
00:04:34,742 --> 00:04:36,810
Ooh, I'm up for that.

119
00:04:36,877 --> 00:04:37,845
No kidding?

120
00:04:37,911 --> 00:04:39,780
As long as we can
switch back.

121
00:04:39,847 --> 00:04:41,949
Alan, I believe it's time
we get the check.

122
00:04:42,015 --> 00:04:43,617
Agreed.

123
00:04:43,684 --> 00:04:44,818
Check, please.

124
00:04:44,885 --> 00:04:45,819
Be right back.

125
00:04:45,886 --> 00:04:47,054
Whoa, whoa, where are you going?

126
00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:48,622
To the little boys' room.

127
00:04:48,689 --> 00:04:51,725
He means the little cheap
bastards' room.

128
00:04:51,792 --> 00:04:52,926
What's that, Charlie?

129
00:04:52,993 --> 00:04:53,861
Nothing.

130
00:04:53,927 --> 00:04:55,963
Excuse me.

131
00:04:56,029 --> 00:04:59,333
Back home we just call it
"the crapper."

132
00:05:22,089 --> 00:05:24,358
I thought you had
to pee.

133
00:05:24,425 --> 00:05:26,360
I did. I do.

134
00:05:26,427 --> 00:05:28,662
I am.

135
00:05:53,887 --> 00:05:55,656
Nice girls.

136
00:05:55,723 --> 00:05:58,926
Yeah, they're terrific.
Mm.

137
00:06:06,667 --> 00:06:10,070
(sighing)

138
00:06:32,059 --> 00:06:33,861
No matter how you shake
and dance,

139
00:06:33,927 --> 00:06:36,530
the last few drops
fall on your pants.

140
00:06:41,669 --> 00:06:44,705
Maybe you shouldn't
wear khakis.

141
00:07:03,691 --> 00:07:05,959
Uh-oh.

142
00:07:09,229 --> 00:07:10,898
What are you doing?

143
00:07:10,964 --> 00:07:12,500
What do you think
I'm doing?

144
00:07:12,566 --> 00:07:16,604
Amazing.

145
00:07:16,670 --> 00:07:18,972
This might take
a while, Charlie.

146
00:07:19,039 --> 00:07:22,543
All right, let's play.

147
00:07:27,748 --> 00:07:29,750
What, what
are you doing?

148
00:07:29,817 --> 00:07:31,652
What do you think
I'm doing?

149
00:07:31,719 --> 00:07:33,554
Okay.

150
00:07:33,621 --> 00:07:35,455
Hey, Alan?

151
00:07:35,523 --> 00:07:36,890
Yeah?

152
00:07:36,957 --> 00:07:39,527
This might take a while.

153
00:07:42,863 --> 00:07:44,798
MAN (on TV):
Where's Jennifer?

154
00:07:44,865 --> 00:07:47,467
GIRL (on TV):
She went into the caretaker's
shack to look for Cory.

155
00:07:47,535 --> 00:07:50,504
Okay, you stay here.
I'll go find her.

156
00:07:50,571 --> 00:07:52,339
No, I'm coming
with you.

157
00:07:52,405 --> 00:07:55,876
Will you people quit going
into the caretaker's shack?

158
00:07:57,978 --> 00:08:00,681
Cory, are you
in here?

159
00:08:00,748 --> 00:08:03,617
No, you idiot,
Cory's been dead for an hour.

160
00:08:05,318 --> 00:08:08,455
(woman screams)

161
00:08:08,522 --> 00:08:09,690
(cracking sound)

162
00:08:09,757 --> 00:08:11,725
Man, should have went to bed.

163
00:08:26,106 --> 00:08:27,340
(screams)

164
00:08:27,407 --> 00:08:30,711
Are you crazy?

165
00:08:30,778 --> 00:08:34,414
Well, there are several schools
of thought on that.

166
00:08:34,481 --> 00:08:36,550
So, your dad let you stay
by yourself tonight, huh?

167
00:08:36,617 --> 00:08:39,286
Why not? I'm old enough.
I don't need a baby-sitter.

168
00:08:39,352 --> 00:08:41,722
Okay. Well, then I'll leave you
to your movie.

169
00:08:43,356 --> 00:08:45,392
Wait, wait.
You don't have to go.

170
00:08:45,458 --> 00:08:47,527
Want a Pop Tart?

171
00:08:47,595 --> 00:08:49,563
Sure, why not?

172
00:08:49,630 --> 00:08:53,333
So, what do I need
to know?

173
00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:55,836
Well, basically when
a guy has half a face,

174
00:08:55,903 --> 00:08:58,071
you leave him alone.

175
00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:05,412
Charlie, you
still there?

176
00:09:05,478 --> 00:09:08,916
I told you
it might take a while.

177
00:09:08,982 --> 00:09:14,722
Well, I guess this train isn't
ready to leave the station.

178
00:09:14,788 --> 00:09:16,624
(toilets flush)

179
00:09:19,292 --> 00:09:22,429
You know what they say.

180
00:09:22,495 --> 00:09:24,932
Better to be on the
toilet and not have to go

181
00:09:24,998 --> 00:09:27,901
then to have to go and
not be on the toilet.

182
00:09:27,968 --> 00:09:29,569
Really? And
who says that?

183
00:09:29,637 --> 00:09:34,141
I don't know.
It's folk wisdom.

184
00:09:57,330 --> 00:09:59,700
Uh, the liquid soap
is a nice idea

185
00:09:59,767 --> 00:10:01,702
for the house,
don't you think?

186
00:10:02,736 --> 00:10:04,004
I guess.

187
00:10:04,071 --> 00:10:05,572
I mean, it makes sense
when you think about it.

188
00:10:05,639 --> 00:10:07,841
You know, you wash your hands
with a bar of soap,

189
00:10:07,908 --> 00:10:10,577
you're passing your germs
on to the next guy, but, uh...

190
00:10:10,644 --> 00:10:14,782
with the liquid soap,
it's not an issue.

191
00:10:18,886 --> 00:10:21,922
Good idea.
Mmm.

192
00:10:21,989 --> 00:10:24,792
I'll tell Berta
to pick up some liquid soap.

193
00:10:24,858 --> 00:10:28,061
Great, great.

194
00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:37,738
How funny is Berta?

195
00:10:37,805 --> 00:10:39,239
She is a pistol.

196
00:11:09,770 --> 00:11:11,371
Don't want to get
athlete's hand.

197
00:11:37,965 --> 00:11:40,433
Another good idea
for the house!

198
00:11:44,938 --> 00:11:46,039
Uh-oh.

199
00:11:46,106 --> 00:11:48,708
Don't even
think about it.

200
00:11:49,777 --> 00:11:51,311
Where'd they go?

201
00:11:51,378 --> 00:11:53,046
Your lady friends left
about 20 minutes ago.

202
00:11:53,113 --> 00:11:54,714
What? Why?

203
00:11:54,782 --> 00:11:57,918
They said something about
life being too short.

204
00:11:57,985 --> 00:11:58,952
Are you happy?

205
00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:02,089
All right, just
give me the check.

206
00:12:02,155 --> 00:12:03,623
Which you and I
will split.

207
00:12:03,690 --> 00:12:05,358
Not necessary.

208
00:12:05,425 --> 00:12:07,828
Mr. Rivera took care
of it before he left
with the ladies.

209
00:12:07,895 --> 00:12:11,364
I guess they'll find out how
"at large" he really is.

210
00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:14,101
Unbelievable.

211
00:12:14,167 --> 00:12:16,069
I know.

212
00:12:16,136 --> 00:12:18,338
We got a free dinner.

213
00:12:18,405 --> 00:12:19,773
* Men.

214
00:12:27,380 --> 00:12:28,348
(loud bumping on television)

215
00:12:28,415 --> 00:12:31,518
(man screaming)

216
00:12:31,584 --> 00:12:34,187
Boy, college students
are really stupid.

217
00:12:38,058 --> 00:12:40,093
Yeah, if you shouldn't run
with scissors,

218
00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:42,529
you definitely shouldn't run
with hedge clippers.

219
00:12:45,265 --> 00:12:47,868
I can't believe I missed out
on a sure thing

220
00:12:47,935 --> 00:12:49,136
'cause I was sittin' on the can

221
00:12:49,202 --> 00:12:51,004
listening to you
not take a crap.

222
00:12:51,071 --> 00:12:52,205
You're actually blaming me

223
00:12:52,272 --> 00:12:53,673
because I had to go
to the bathroom?

224
00:12:53,740 --> 00:12:55,042
You didn't have to go
to the bathroom.

225
00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:56,643
You were just trying
to stick me with the check.

226
00:12:56,709 --> 00:12:57,978
Oh, oh, I see,

227
00:12:58,045 --> 00:13:00,013
so you know my bowels
better than I do?

228
00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:03,283
I will when I pull them out
through your nostrils.

229
00:13:05,585 --> 00:13:07,520
Well, I don't have
to listen to this.

230
00:13:07,587 --> 00:13:09,589
What's your hurry?
You see a check coming?

231
00:13:13,060 --> 00:13:14,161
What do you think?

232
00:13:14,227 --> 00:13:15,628
Should we watch
the rest of the movie?

233
00:13:15,695 --> 00:13:16,930
Might as well.

234
00:13:16,997 --> 00:13:18,899
I'm not going to
sleep tonight anyway.

235
00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:22,135
Leave me alone, Charlie.

236
00:13:22,202 --> 00:13:25,038
No, no, no, no,
let's get this
out in the open.

237
00:13:25,105 --> 00:13:26,306
There's nothing
to get out in the open.

238
00:13:26,373 --> 00:13:28,075
I had to go to the bathroom,

239
00:13:28,141 --> 00:13:29,609
and even though I don't have
as much money as you,

240
00:13:29,676 --> 00:13:31,311
I was fully prepared
to split the check.

241
00:13:31,378 --> 00:13:33,046
Not quite 50-50 'cause, you
know, you had the better wine

242
00:13:33,113 --> 00:13:35,115
and your date had two
appetizers, but my fair share.

243
00:13:36,716 --> 00:13:37,750
What are you doing?

244
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:39,119
What do you think?

245
00:13:39,186 --> 00:13:42,689
Alan, you can sit,
but you can't hide.

246
00:13:42,755 --> 00:13:46,126
I am going to shower
and get ready for bed.

247
00:13:46,193 --> 00:13:47,727
(shuts door)
You're kidding.

248
00:13:47,794 --> 00:13:49,229
You're just going
to walk away from me?

249
00:13:49,296 --> 00:13:51,131
Well, Charlie,
when you're being irrational,

250
00:13:51,198 --> 00:13:52,632
you leave me no choice.

251
00:13:52,699 --> 00:13:54,968
I'm not being irrational.

252
00:13:55,035 --> 00:13:56,036
(water running)

253
00:13:56,103 --> 00:13:59,106
You want to see irrational?

254
00:13:59,172 --> 00:14:00,140
Here's irrational.

255
00:14:01,241 --> 00:14:04,044
(screams)

256
00:14:12,252 --> 00:14:14,354
My lamp.

257
00:14:19,759 --> 00:14:21,228
What the hell?

258
00:14:30,971 --> 00:14:33,106
I don't freakin' believe it.

259
00:14:49,256 --> 00:14:52,192
(water continues running)

260
00:15:02,035 --> 00:15:03,803
(doorbell rings)

261
00:15:03,870 --> 00:15:06,139
Charlie, the pizza's here!

262
00:15:10,777 --> 00:15:13,146
So it is.

263
00:15:17,184 --> 00:15:19,987
Hey, why don't I get this one?

264
00:15:20,053 --> 00:15:22,655
Hey, why don't you?

265
00:15:25,325 --> 00:15:27,127
What?

266
00:15:27,194 --> 00:15:28,395
No wallet?

267
00:15:29,496 --> 00:15:30,697
I'll be right back.

268
00:15:30,763 --> 00:15:31,965
I'll wait.

269
00:15:42,109 --> 00:15:43,977
Here you go,
Mr. Harper. $22.75.

270
00:15:44,044 --> 00:15:45,212
Thanks, Gordon.

271
00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:47,214
Hang on.

272
00:15:56,956 --> 00:15:58,225
Keep the change.

273
00:15:59,326 --> 00:16:01,194
Wow, thanks.

274
00:16:01,261 --> 00:16:03,196
Oh, Gordon, wait, w-wait.

275
00:16:03,263 --> 00:16:04,231
You got to hear something.

276
00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:05,265
Hear what?

277
00:16:05,332 --> 00:16:06,366
Shh.

278
00:16:08,068 --> 00:16:11,238
Wait for it.

279
00:16:11,304 --> 00:16:14,007
(Alan shrieking)

280
00:16:14,074 --> 00:16:15,708
Was that it?

281
00:16:15,775 --> 00:16:18,011
Yep.

282
00:16:18,078 --> 00:16:19,012
Thanks for waiting.

283
00:16:34,561 --> 00:16:36,129
Looking for something?

284
00:16:36,196 --> 00:16:38,831
Yeah, my... wallet.

285
00:16:42,802 --> 00:16:43,736
Here it is.

286
00:16:45,838 --> 00:16:47,107
Oh, oh, thanks.

287
00:16:47,174 --> 00:16:48,875
Wow.

288
00:16:48,941 --> 00:16:52,179
The legendary lost wallet
of Alan Harper.

289
00:16:53,280 --> 00:16:54,514
(chuckling):
Funny.

290
00:16:55,548 --> 00:16:58,318
(imitates creaking)

291
00:17:04,391 --> 00:17:06,025
Oh, my.

292
00:17:06,093 --> 00:17:07,060
There's no money in here.

293
00:17:07,127 --> 00:17:08,461
No?

294
00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:10,197
No.

295
00:17:10,263 --> 00:17:12,065
How were you going to pay
for the pizza, Alan?

296
00:17:12,132 --> 00:17:15,335
Uh, I-I have, um... uh...

297
00:17:15,402 --> 00:17:16,336
I have, um...

298
00:17:16,403 --> 00:17:17,837
What is it, Alan?

299
00:17:17,904 --> 00:17:19,772
What do you have?

300
00:17:20,873 --> 00:17:22,142
Nothing.

301
00:17:22,209 --> 00:17:23,876
You sure?

302
00:17:23,943 --> 00:17:25,312
Oh, where did you
find that?

303
00:17:25,378 --> 00:17:27,280
I mean, what is that?

304
00:17:27,347 --> 00:17:30,483
About $5,000
in small bills.

305
00:17:30,550 --> 00:17:33,086
W-Wow, wow, that much?

306
00:17:33,153 --> 00:17:36,089
A little less, since
I paid for the pizza.

307
00:17:36,156 --> 00:17:37,957
And tipped
the guy a 50.

308
00:17:38,024 --> 00:17:39,459
You gave him a $50 tip?

309
00:17:39,526 --> 00:17:41,161
Yep.

310
00:17:41,228 --> 00:17:44,431
Now I'm going to go light
my cigar with a hundred.

311
00:17:44,497 --> 00:17:45,432
Wait, wait, wait.

312
00:17:45,498 --> 00:17:46,433
Wait, wait, w-wait!

313
00:17:46,499 --> 00:17:47,867
I just remembered.

314
00:17:47,934 --> 00:17:49,236
I lost a big roll
of bills

315
00:17:49,302 --> 00:17:51,504
that looked a lot
like that one.

316
00:17:51,571 --> 00:17:53,440
Really?

317
00:17:53,506 --> 00:17:55,342
It's yours?
I had no idea.

318
00:17:55,408 --> 00:17:57,076
An honest mistake.
Gimme.

319
00:17:58,345 --> 00:18:00,046
You can understand
my confusion.

320
00:18:00,113 --> 00:18:02,315
I mean, a guy has got this
kind of cash laying around,

321
00:18:02,382 --> 00:18:05,285
you'd think he'd be
able to pay for his
own freakin' bagel dog.

322
00:18:05,352 --> 00:18:07,019
(sighs)
You don't understand.

323
00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:08,888
The money isn't for me.

324
00:18:08,955 --> 00:18:10,357
Really?

325
00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:11,358
Who's it for?

326
00:18:12,459 --> 00:18:14,194
Old Alan.

327
00:18:14,261 --> 00:18:15,528
Old Alan?

328
00:18:15,595 --> 00:18:18,398
Yeah, you know,
the Alan of the future.

329
00:18:18,465 --> 00:18:20,133
You're kidding.

330
00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:22,335
They're still going
to have Alans in the future?

331
00:18:22,402 --> 00:18:24,571
No, see,
the thing is...

332
00:18:24,637 --> 00:18:26,206
(sighs)
I've been going through

333
00:18:26,273 --> 00:18:28,608
kind of a rough
financial time since...

334
00:18:28,675 --> 00:18:32,145
well... high school.

335
00:18:32,212 --> 00:18:33,380
Anyway, it occurred to me

336
00:18:33,446 --> 00:18:35,215
that I could wind up
an old man

337
00:18:35,282 --> 00:18:36,849
with no one
to take care of me.

338
00:18:36,916 --> 00:18:39,152
I mean, who will Old Alan
be able to count on?

339
00:18:39,219 --> 00:18:41,321
Certainly not Jake,
'cause let's face it,

340
00:18:41,388 --> 00:18:43,223
his best hope
of a steady income is

341
00:18:43,290 --> 00:18:46,226
if missing the toilet
becomes a professional sport.

342
00:18:48,295 --> 00:18:50,062
So, I decided that

343
00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:52,199
whenever somebody
in the office paid in cash,

344
00:18:52,265 --> 00:18:55,902
I'd put it away
for... Old Alan.

345
00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:57,604
What about the IRS?

346
00:18:57,670 --> 00:19:00,207
What about 'em? They don't
care about Old Alan.

347
00:19:01,174 --> 00:19:02,175
Okay.

348
00:19:02,242 --> 00:19:04,344
Let me get
this straight.

349
00:19:04,411 --> 00:19:06,879
You're squirreling away
money for Old Alan

350
00:19:06,946 --> 00:19:09,516
while Young Alan sponges off
of Dumb Charlie.

351
00:19:09,582 --> 00:19:11,451
I-I-I wouldn't call you dumb.

352
00:19:11,518 --> 00:19:12,619
Sweet Charlie, Loving Charlie.

353
00:19:12,685 --> 00:19:14,120
Can I have my money now?

354
00:19:14,187 --> 00:19:16,088
You have a serious problem,
my friend.

355
00:19:16,155 --> 00:19:17,324
Yes, I do, no question.

356
00:19:17,390 --> 00:19:18,358
Now give me my money.

357
00:19:19,459 --> 00:19:20,660
You need help.

358
00:19:20,727 --> 00:19:22,595
I know, but who can afford it?

359
00:19:24,697 --> 00:19:26,266
All right.

360
00:19:26,333 --> 00:19:28,535
You know what I want you to do
with this money?

361
00:19:28,601 --> 00:19:32,104
Oh, come on, man.
I'm already constipated.

362
00:19:32,171 --> 00:19:34,374
You're gonna spend it.

363
00:19:34,441 --> 00:19:36,075
Every penny.

364
00:19:36,142 --> 00:19:39,178
But, but what about Old Alan?

365
00:19:39,246 --> 00:19:41,248
What will he do?

366
00:19:41,314 --> 00:19:43,015
Well, I'm guessing Old Alan
will be living

367
00:19:43,082 --> 00:19:46,986
on Old Charlie's hide-a-bed
until they bag him and tag him.

368
00:19:49,088 --> 00:19:52,459
Really?
You mean, no matter what,

369
00:19:52,525 --> 00:19:54,527
I can always count on you?

370
00:19:56,629 --> 00:19:57,697
Keep the money.

371
00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:10,243
There you go.

372
00:20:10,310 --> 00:20:12,245
Enjoy your movie.

373
00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:16,182
Oh, hi, Charlie.

374
00:20:16,249 --> 00:20:18,818
Hey, bro.

375
00:20:18,885 --> 00:20:20,453
I'll take a big box
of Milk Duds.

376
00:20:20,520 --> 00:20:21,521
Sure.

377
00:20:21,588 --> 00:20:25,057
That's $25.

378
00:20:25,124 --> 00:20:26,593
Anything for
your lady friend?

379
00:20:26,659 --> 00:20:27,860
Nah, that's okay.

380
00:20:27,927 --> 00:20:30,229
She doesn't eat.

381
00:20:30,297 --> 00:20:32,832
Food.

382
00:20:32,899 --> 00:20:34,133
Keep the change.

383
00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:36,102
Oh, thanks, Charlie.

384
00:20:36,168 --> 00:20:38,271
I can always count on you.

385
00:20:38,338 --> 00:20:41,308
Come on, baby.

386
00:20:41,374 --> 00:20:42,442
Can you believe
I'm older than him?

387
00:20:45,945 --> 00:20:47,447
Boy, that's some hot chick.

388
00:20:49,282 --> 00:20:50,182
Yeah.

389
00:20:53,453 --> 00:20:55,988
Don't eat the popcorn, Jake.

390
00:20:56,055 --> 00:20:57,790
Sorry, Dad.

391
00:21:00,293 --> 00:21:02,695
(shrieks)