1 00:00:12,713 --> 00:00:14,648 Ah! Oh! Oh! 2 00:00:14,715 --> 00:00:16,484 Oh! Oh! 3 00:00:16,550 --> 00:00:18,319 Oh, God! 4 00:00:18,386 --> 00:00:20,454 Oh! Oh, God. 5 00:00:20,521 --> 00:00:24,158 Oh, God. 6 00:00:24,225 --> 00:00:27,628 (moaning) 7 00:00:28,796 --> 00:00:30,998 Oh, God. Oh... 8 00:00:31,065 --> 00:00:33,701 Oh, God. Oh. God. 9 00:00:33,767 --> 00:00:35,703 Oh, God. 10 00:00:35,769 --> 00:00:39,140 I was picturing something entirely different. 11 00:00:39,207 --> 00:00:41,409 I couldn't sleep. 12 00:00:41,475 --> 00:00:44,145 So you decided to make your nipples hard? 13 00:00:45,413 --> 00:00:47,115 Oh, the peas. No. 14 00:00:47,181 --> 00:00:49,350 I was heating up some milk and... 15 00:00:49,417 --> 00:00:51,085 You know, my nipple is hard. 16 00:00:51,152 --> 00:00:54,755 If you can't sleep, why don't you just take a pill? 17 00:00:54,822 --> 00:00:56,424 I don't believe in pills. 18 00:00:56,490 --> 00:00:57,258 What about booze? 19 00:00:57,325 --> 00:00:58,759 You believe in booze? 20 00:00:58,826 --> 00:01:00,661 That's not sleeping-- that's passing out. 21 00:01:00,728 --> 00:01:03,531 Pot-ay-to, pot-ah-to. 22 00:01:03,597 --> 00:01:04,765 I just, I have a lot on my mind. 23 00:01:04,832 --> 00:01:06,434 I don't need to drug myself. 24 00:01:06,500 --> 00:01:08,736 Okay, in that case I doknow a great, 25 00:01:08,802 --> 00:01:09,603 all-natural sleep aid. 26 00:01:09,670 --> 00:01:10,771 What's that? 27 00:01:10,838 --> 00:01:13,507 Sex. You should get yourself some sex. 28 00:01:13,574 --> 00:01:15,376 It'll put you right out. Charlie. 29 00:01:15,443 --> 00:01:18,246 Look at me. I can hardly keep my eyes open. 30 00:01:18,312 --> 00:01:20,581 Well, sex is not really an option at the moment. 31 00:01:20,648 --> 00:01:22,716 You're telling me you can't make a fist? 32 00:01:22,783 --> 00:01:24,285 Just leave me alone. 33 00:01:24,352 --> 00:01:26,787 How about exercise? 34 00:01:26,854 --> 00:01:29,457 It's kinda like sex, but without the condom. 35 00:01:29,523 --> 00:01:31,725 You know, that's not a bad idea. 36 00:01:31,792 --> 00:01:34,795 Well, you shouldalways wear a condom. 37 00:01:34,862 --> 00:01:36,197 No, I-I mean the exercise. 38 00:01:36,264 --> 00:01:37,798 I-I could go for a run on the beach. 39 00:01:37,865 --> 00:01:39,567 Sure, I've seen people do that. 40 00:01:39,633 --> 00:01:42,803 Usually they have a dog, but I think that's optional. 41 00:01:42,870 --> 00:01:44,572 Actually, that's a great idea. 42 00:01:44,638 --> 00:01:47,040 Oh, where you gonna get a dog at this hour. 43 00:01:47,107 --> 00:01:48,709 You really enjoy screwing with me, don't you? 44 00:01:48,776 --> 00:01:52,246 Well, you don't pay rent. 45 00:01:52,313 --> 00:01:53,247 You know what? 46 00:01:53,314 --> 00:01:54,582 I'm gonna do it. 47 00:01:54,648 --> 00:01:55,683 Pay rent? 48 00:01:55,749 --> 00:01:58,586 No... 49 00:01:58,652 --> 00:02:00,454 I'm gonna jog down to the pier and back. 50 00:02:00,521 --> 00:02:02,723 Maybe I can burn off my excess energy. 51 00:02:04,592 --> 00:02:06,527 Attaboy. 52 00:02:16,570 --> 00:02:19,640 Nah, I prefer the tater-tots. 53 00:02:24,712 --> 00:02:26,647 This will do it. 54 00:02:26,714 --> 00:02:28,649 Burn off the energy. 55 00:02:35,789 --> 00:02:38,192 That's interesting. 56 00:02:47,735 --> 00:02:50,471 (humming Chariots of Fire theme) 57 00:03:03,717 --> 00:03:05,719 Nice night for a run. 58 00:03:05,786 --> 00:03:07,120 How rude. 59 00:03:09,257 --> 00:03:11,225 HELICOPTER PILOT: This is the Los Angeles Sheriff's Department. 60 00:03:11,292 --> 00:03:14,495 Stop running and drop to the ground with your arms spread. 61 00:03:14,562 --> 00:03:15,529 Oh, no, no, no! 62 00:03:15,596 --> 00:03:16,664 You've got the wrong guy! 63 00:03:16,730 --> 00:03:18,866 The guy you want ran that way! 64 00:03:18,932 --> 00:03:20,401 This is your last warning. 65 00:03:20,468 --> 00:03:22,270 Drop to the ground with your arms spread. 66 00:03:22,336 --> 00:03:24,538 You don't understand! 67 00:03:24,605 --> 00:03:26,740 Follow me! I'll show you! 68 00:03:33,281 --> 00:03:34,682 (siren wailing) 69 00:03:34,748 --> 00:03:38,185 Put your hands behind your head and drop to your knees! 70 00:03:38,252 --> 00:03:40,187 No, no, you don't understand. 71 00:03:40,254 --> 00:03:42,189 I just couldn't sleep. 72 00:03:42,256 --> 00:03:44,191 Release the dogs! 73 00:03:44,258 --> 00:03:45,659 Dog-dogs? 74 00:03:45,726 --> 00:03:47,661 No, no, no... 75 00:03:47,728 --> 00:03:48,762 No dogs. 76 00:03:48,829 --> 00:03:50,664 (dogs barking) 77 00:03:57,004 --> 00:03:58,939 (dogs barking) 78 00:04:14,788 --> 00:04:16,857 All right, all right, I'm coming. 79 00:04:16,924 --> 00:04:19,693 (doorbell ringing) 80 00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:20,728 This better be good. 81 00:04:26,634 --> 00:04:29,503 Hey, it is good. 82 00:04:29,570 --> 00:04:31,305 Charlie, tell them who I am. 83 00:04:31,372 --> 00:04:33,641 I'm sorry, who are you? 84 00:04:33,707 --> 00:04:35,576 Charlie, if you don't tell them who I am, 85 00:04:35,643 --> 00:04:36,810 they're gonna take me to jail. 86 00:04:36,877 --> 00:04:39,413 Why do you keep calling me Charlie? 87 00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:42,282 Sir, is this man living here or not? 88 00:04:42,350 --> 00:04:44,318 Define "living." 89 00:04:44,385 --> 00:04:46,320 Charlie, I swear on my son's life... 90 00:04:46,387 --> 00:04:47,855 Yeah, he lives here. 91 00:04:47,921 --> 00:04:49,557 I told you. 92 00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:51,492 I've got your badge numbers. I am gonna write 93 00:04:51,559 --> 00:04:53,494 a scathing letter to... Shut up. 94 00:04:53,561 --> 00:04:54,695 Thank you, Officers. 95 00:04:54,762 --> 00:04:56,530 You are a credit to the Malibu community. 96 00:04:56,597 --> 00:04:57,865 You have a nice evening. 97 00:04:57,931 --> 00:04:59,967 At least this clown didn't ask if I was Jewish. 98 00:05:06,039 --> 00:05:08,709 So. 99 00:05:08,776 --> 00:05:10,478 How was your run? 100 00:05:10,544 --> 00:05:14,515 * Men. 101 00:05:16,584 --> 00:05:21,989 (drumming musically) 102 00:05:22,055 --> 00:05:23,691 (both drumming) 103 00:05:26,394 --> 00:05:28,328 (dishes rattle in time to the beat) 104 00:05:35,903 --> 00:05:38,372 Enough... drumming. 105 00:05:38,439 --> 00:05:40,040 Fine. 106 00:05:40,107 --> 00:05:41,675 Bass solo. 107 00:05:41,742 --> 00:05:44,645 * Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom... * 108 00:05:44,712 --> 00:05:46,046 Come on. 109 00:05:46,113 --> 00:05:47,981 I-I'd like to have a nice, quiet dinner. 110 00:05:48,048 --> 00:05:49,950 And I'd like you to be a keno waitress 111 00:05:50,017 --> 00:05:51,852 who can fit her entire hand in her mouth, 112 00:05:51,919 --> 00:05:53,687 but here you sit. 113 00:05:53,754 --> 00:05:56,023 I-I'm sorry, I'm a little cranky. 114 00:05:56,089 --> 00:05:57,758 I haven't slept in two days. 115 00:05:57,825 --> 00:06:00,794 Why don't you take a pill? 116 00:06:00,861 --> 00:06:02,463 He doesn't believe in pills. 117 00:06:02,530 --> 00:06:04,031 How can you not believe in them? 118 00:06:04,097 --> 00:06:05,599 They're on TV all the time. 119 00:06:06,934 --> 00:06:08,502 Let me tell you something, Jake. 120 00:06:08,569 --> 00:06:10,438 Big pharmaceutical companies want you to think 121 00:06:10,504 --> 00:06:11,505 you can take a pill for everything. 122 00:06:11,572 --> 00:06:12,873 Can't sleep? Take a pill. 123 00:06:12,940 --> 00:06:14,007 Can't wake up? Take a pill. 124 00:06:14,074 --> 00:06:15,709 Feeling sad? Take a pill. 125 00:06:15,776 --> 00:06:17,611 Can't get it up? Take a pill. 126 00:06:17,678 --> 00:06:20,080 Can't get what up? 127 00:06:23,451 --> 00:06:25,453 Can we just eat our dinner, please? 128 00:06:29,056 --> 00:06:30,658 Can I got back to Mom's tomorrow? 129 00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:32,025 Why? 130 00:06:32,092 --> 00:06:33,594 I want to hang out with my friends. 131 00:06:33,661 --> 00:06:34,528 What? All of a sudden your father's 132 00:06:34,595 --> 00:06:35,563 not good enough for you? 133 00:06:35,629 --> 00:06:38,766 It's not all of a sudden. 134 00:06:40,468 --> 00:06:42,402 Come on, Alan, the kid's growing up. 135 00:06:42,470 --> 00:06:43,437 He's got his own life now. 136 00:06:43,504 --> 00:06:44,772 All right, fine. 137 00:06:44,838 --> 00:06:46,106 How about you have your friends come over here? 138 00:06:46,173 --> 00:06:48,509 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 139 00:06:48,576 --> 00:06:49,710 No kids in my house. 140 00:06:49,777 --> 00:06:51,044 I'm a kid. 141 00:06:51,111 --> 00:06:54,014 Well, I don't think of you as a kid. 142 00:06:54,081 --> 00:06:58,118 I think of you as more of a... gassy dwarf. 143 00:06:59,186 --> 00:07:00,954 Charlie, 144 00:07:01,021 --> 00:07:01,989 you said it yourself-- 145 00:07:02,055 --> 00:07:03,724 he's growing up. 146 00:07:03,791 --> 00:07:05,392 Getting a life of his own. 147 00:07:05,459 --> 00:07:07,528 He'll be going off to college soon. 148 00:07:07,595 --> 00:07:09,463 I'll only see him on holidays... 149 00:07:09,530 --> 00:07:10,998 only hear from him when he needs money. 150 00:07:11,064 --> 00:07:12,866 Not that I'll have any. 151 00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:15,703 I'll still be paying alimony to two ex-wives. 152 00:07:15,769 --> 00:07:17,137 And college tuition? 153 00:07:17,204 --> 00:07:21,108 That just means selling an organ or turning tricks. 154 00:07:21,174 --> 00:07:24,011 And for what? 155 00:07:24,077 --> 00:07:26,113 So that he can get a worthless piece of paper 156 00:07:26,179 --> 00:07:27,981 that he can then fold into a hat 157 00:07:28,048 --> 00:07:29,517 to wear to the fast-food job 158 00:07:29,583 --> 00:07:31,519 that he will probably be fired from 159 00:07:31,585 --> 00:07:33,754 for stealing fries from the customers' bags. 160 00:07:38,892 --> 00:07:41,094 I dolike fries. 161 00:07:43,931 --> 00:07:45,933 * Men. 162 00:07:53,106 --> 00:07:56,143 (quietly): Sure, you can sleep. 163 00:07:56,209 --> 00:07:58,178 You have no conscience. 164 00:07:59,713 --> 00:08:00,681 Wake up! 165 00:08:05,218 --> 00:08:06,854 What? 166 00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:08,088 It's noon. 167 00:08:08,155 --> 00:08:10,157 What day? 168 00:08:10,223 --> 00:08:11,559 Saturday. 169 00:08:11,625 --> 00:08:13,894 Thanks. See you Sunday. 170 00:08:13,961 --> 00:08:15,996 Charlie, I have to go out. 171 00:08:16,063 --> 00:08:18,065 I need you to watch Jake and his friend. 172 00:08:18,131 --> 00:08:19,132 Friend? 173 00:08:19,199 --> 00:08:21,001 I thought I said no kids. 174 00:08:21,068 --> 00:08:22,770 You say lots of stuff. 175 00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:25,706 Twice a week you say you'll never drink again. 176 00:08:25,773 --> 00:08:28,175 I don't know what to believe anymore. 177 00:08:28,241 --> 00:08:30,077 Where are you going? 178 00:08:30,143 --> 00:08:31,612 I'm gonna have to run some errands. 179 00:08:31,679 --> 00:08:32,112 So take the kids with you. 180 00:08:32,179 --> 00:08:33,113 I can't. 181 00:08:33,180 --> 00:08:34,481 Then run your errands later. 182 00:08:34,548 --> 00:08:35,916 Oh, would you please just get 183 00:08:35,983 --> 00:08:37,551 your drunken ass out of bed 184 00:08:37,618 --> 00:08:40,688 and stop being a waste of skin for once in your life?! 185 00:08:44,191 --> 00:08:46,126 Well, since you said "please." 186 00:08:47,795 --> 00:08:49,129 Thank you. 187 00:08:51,799 --> 00:08:53,567 I'm, I'm sorry I barked at you. 188 00:08:53,634 --> 00:08:54,902 You still can't sleep, huh? 189 00:08:54,968 --> 00:08:56,169 No. 190 00:08:56,236 --> 00:08:58,038 Well, don't worry, I'm here for you. 191 00:08:58,105 --> 00:08:59,873 I'll keep an eye on the kids. 192 00:08:59,940 --> 00:09:00,874 I appreciate it. 193 00:09:00,941 --> 00:09:01,875 No problem. 194 00:09:09,783 --> 00:09:13,020 It's like he's never met me. 195 00:09:17,591 --> 00:09:19,159 Nothing seems to work. 196 00:09:19,226 --> 00:09:21,528 I-I've tried warm milk, exercise, 197 00:09:21,595 --> 00:09:23,430 meditation, self-hypnosis. 198 00:09:23,496 --> 00:09:26,700 Why don't you just take a pill? 199 00:09:26,767 --> 00:09:28,135 Because I don't need a pill. 200 00:09:28,201 --> 00:09:30,370 The root of my insomnia is psychological. 201 00:09:30,437 --> 00:09:33,006 That is why I'm sitting here with you, a psychologist. 202 00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:35,876 I'm a psychiatrist, a medical doctor, 203 00:09:35,943 --> 00:09:38,378 which is why I can prescribe pills. 204 00:09:38,445 --> 00:09:39,947 Is that some kind of shot at me 205 00:09:40,013 --> 00:09:40,981 because I'm just a chiropractor? 206 00:09:41,048 --> 00:09:42,750 No, of course not, 207 00:09:42,816 --> 00:09:44,885 but I am a real doctor. 208 00:09:44,952 --> 00:09:47,621 Look, can you help me or not? 209 00:09:47,688 --> 00:09:49,623 You know, delve into my subconscious 210 00:09:49,690 --> 00:09:51,124 and unravel the source of my problem? 211 00:09:51,191 --> 00:09:53,894 Sure, I'll give it a shot. 212 00:09:53,961 --> 00:09:56,029 So, when was the last time you had sex? 213 00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:58,598 This has nothing to do with sex! 214 00:09:58,666 --> 00:10:01,635 This has to do with alimony and ex-wives and child support 215 00:10:01,702 --> 00:10:03,603 an-and writing checks I can't cover 216 00:10:03,671 --> 00:10:05,673 and having to live on my brother's freaking hide-a-bed. 217 00:10:05,739 --> 00:10:07,708 Okay, why don't we start with your brother? 218 00:10:07,775 --> 00:10:08,976 What does my brother have to do with this? 219 00:10:09,042 --> 00:10:10,477 Who's the doctor here? 220 00:10:10,543 --> 00:10:11,812 Okay, that was a shot. 221 00:10:11,879 --> 00:10:13,881 You got me. 222 00:10:15,482 --> 00:10:16,950 Now tell me about your brother. 223 00:10:17,017 --> 00:10:19,887 What is there to say? Um... 224 00:10:19,953 --> 00:10:23,757 He's two years older than me, but much more immature. 225 00:10:23,824 --> 00:10:24,892 He's charming and easygoing. 226 00:10:24,958 --> 00:10:26,760 Of course, why shouldn't he be? 227 00:10:26,827 --> 00:10:29,763 He's never had to work for anything in his entire life. 228 00:10:29,830 --> 00:10:31,098 Money and women just seem to fall 229 00:10:31,164 --> 00:10:34,634 into his big, fat, lucky lap. 230 00:10:34,702 --> 00:10:36,670 So you resent him. 231 00:10:36,737 --> 00:10:38,138 Oh, no, I love him. He took me in 232 00:10:38,205 --> 00:10:39,639 when I needed a place to live. 233 00:10:39,707 --> 00:10:41,508 Okay. You say you love your brother, 234 00:10:41,574 --> 00:10:43,143 you're grateful for his help, 235 00:10:43,210 --> 00:10:46,513 and yet it must be difficult to watch him sail through life 236 00:10:46,579 --> 00:10:50,617 while you remain a complete and utter failure. 237 00:10:53,020 --> 00:10:54,888 I didn't say I was a complete failure. 238 00:10:54,955 --> 00:10:55,889 Huh. 239 00:10:55,956 --> 00:10:59,226 Why is it in my notes? 240 00:10:59,292 --> 00:11:01,561 Anyway, continue. 241 00:11:01,628 --> 00:11:03,596 Okay. 242 00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:06,166 Well, the worst part is 243 00:11:06,233 --> 00:11:09,102 that as selfish and promiscuous as Charlie is, 244 00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:11,739 he hasn't suffered any consequences. 245 00:11:11,805 --> 00:11:15,575 No palimony suits, no bullet wounds from angry husbands. 246 00:11:15,642 --> 00:11:19,913 Not so much as a lousy urinary tract infection. 247 00:11:19,980 --> 00:11:21,749 And yet you love him. 248 00:11:21,815 --> 00:11:22,950 Well, he's family. 249 00:11:24,251 --> 00:11:27,921 Oh... Oh, I get it. 250 00:11:27,988 --> 00:11:30,523 You think it's this internal contradiction 251 00:11:30,590 --> 00:11:31,959 that's the source of my insomnia. 252 00:11:32,025 --> 00:11:33,226 What do you think? 253 00:11:33,293 --> 00:11:35,896 I think you may be right. 254 00:11:35,963 --> 00:11:37,264 But how do I resolve it? 255 00:11:37,330 --> 00:11:38,932 Well, that's a good question. 256 00:11:38,999 --> 00:11:40,734 Unfortunately, we're out of time. 257 00:11:40,801 --> 00:11:42,069 Already? 258 00:11:42,135 --> 00:11:44,637 You dozed off for 40 minutes, Alan. 259 00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:46,039 You going to charge me for that? 260 00:11:46,106 --> 00:11:48,208 I was awake. 261 00:11:50,110 --> 00:11:52,045 All right, fine. Can I write you a check? 262 00:11:52,112 --> 00:11:53,947 Oh, boy. 263 00:11:54,014 --> 00:11:56,616 Alan, you know, when a patient tells me they're writing checks 264 00:11:56,683 --> 00:12:00,788 they can't cover, I kind of have a little cash only policy. 265 00:12:00,854 --> 00:12:04,257 All right, where's the closest ATM? 266 00:12:04,324 --> 00:12:05,725 Downstairs in the lobby. 267 00:12:05,793 --> 00:12:06,860 I'll be right back. 268 00:12:06,927 --> 00:12:10,831 I'll walk with you. 269 00:12:10,898 --> 00:12:12,632 * Men. 270 00:12:16,870 --> 00:12:18,071 (computer chimes) 271 00:12:18,138 --> 00:12:21,341 (chuckles) 272 00:12:21,408 --> 00:12:22,976 (computer chimes) 273 00:12:23,043 --> 00:12:24,912 (chuckles) 274 00:12:27,948 --> 00:12:29,082 (computer chimes) 275 00:12:29,149 --> 00:12:31,051 (chuckles) 276 00:12:31,118 --> 00:12:32,953 Hey. 277 00:12:33,020 --> 00:12:34,021 What you doing? 278 00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:35,622 Chatting. 279 00:12:35,688 --> 00:12:36,589 With who? 280 00:12:36,656 --> 00:12:37,657 Each other. 281 00:12:37,724 --> 00:12:39,092 But you're in the same room. 282 00:12:41,094 --> 00:12:42,295 (computer chimes) (laughing) 283 00:12:43,864 --> 00:12:46,066 What are you typing? Is that about me? 284 00:12:46,133 --> 00:12:47,935 No. 285 00:12:48,001 --> 00:12:49,970 (computer chimes) 286 00:12:50,037 --> 00:12:51,839 Down the hall on the right. 287 00:12:51,905 --> 00:12:53,140 BRB. 288 00:12:55,876 --> 00:12:58,711 "BRB"? 289 00:12:58,778 --> 00:12:59,947 "Be right back." 290 00:13:00,013 --> 00:13:01,681 Ah. 291 00:13:01,748 --> 00:13:04,885 Well... YAD. 292 00:13:04,952 --> 00:13:05,986 What's that? 293 00:13:06,053 --> 00:13:07,921 You're a dog. 294 00:13:10,090 --> 00:13:11,258 She's cute. 295 00:13:11,324 --> 00:13:13,026 She's just a friend. 296 00:13:13,093 --> 00:13:16,930 R-R-R-uff. 297 00:13:16,997 --> 00:13:18,031 What are you doing? 298 00:13:18,098 --> 00:13:20,100 Oh, come on, it's me you're talking to. 299 00:13:20,167 --> 00:13:21,134 The big dog. 300 00:13:21,201 --> 00:13:24,938 (howling) 301 00:13:25,005 --> 00:13:26,940 You're starting to freak me out. 302 00:13:27,007 --> 00:13:28,041 (doorbell rings) 303 00:13:28,108 --> 00:13:30,010 GIRL: That's my mom. 304 00:13:30,077 --> 00:13:31,378 I'll get it. 305 00:13:31,444 --> 00:13:33,280 Okay, okay, I lied-- I like her. 306 00:13:33,346 --> 00:13:34,681 Oh, really? 307 00:13:34,747 --> 00:13:37,985 Yeah. Woof. 308 00:13:38,051 --> 00:13:39,352 There you go. 309 00:13:39,419 --> 00:13:41,521 Wait, don't open the door. 310 00:13:41,588 --> 00:13:43,223 Why not? (doorbell ringing) 311 00:13:43,290 --> 00:13:44,457 Coming. 312 00:13:44,524 --> 00:13:46,359 Go to your room. 313 00:13:46,426 --> 00:13:47,427 What are you nuts? 314 00:13:47,494 --> 00:13:49,262 Please don't hit on her. 315 00:13:49,329 --> 00:13:50,197 Hit on who? 316 00:13:50,263 --> 00:13:51,398 Taylor's mom. 317 00:13:51,464 --> 00:13:53,266 Why would I hit on Taylor's mom? 318 00:13:53,333 --> 00:13:54,634 Well, because she's kind of pretty, 319 00:13:54,701 --> 00:13:57,504 and you'll hit on anything with a pulse. 320 00:13:57,570 --> 00:13:59,506 Where'd you get that? 321 00:13:59,572 --> 00:14:00,573 My mom. 322 00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:01,674 Oh, well... 323 00:14:01,741 --> 00:14:04,344 And my dad, Berta, Rose, Grandma... 324 00:14:04,411 --> 00:14:05,512 Okay, okay. 325 00:14:05,578 --> 00:14:07,247 The UPS man... 326 00:14:07,314 --> 00:14:08,982 All right. 327 00:14:09,049 --> 00:14:10,183 And when you hit on people I know, 328 00:14:10,250 --> 00:14:11,418 everything gets screwed up 329 00:14:11,484 --> 00:14:13,253 where I have to find a new guitar teacher, 330 00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:14,754 a new karate class, Cub Scout troop... 331 00:14:14,821 --> 00:14:16,223 Okay, okay, I get it. 332 00:14:16,289 --> 00:14:17,357 ...godmother. 333 00:14:17,424 --> 00:14:19,626 You don't have to worry. 334 00:14:19,692 --> 00:14:22,295 I'm not going to risk our friendship over "kind of pretty." 335 00:14:22,362 --> 00:14:23,463 So you won't hit on her? 336 00:14:23,530 --> 00:14:25,298 Absolutely not. 337 00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:30,170 Hi. I'm Taylor's mom. 338 00:14:31,838 --> 00:14:32,639 Scratch that. 339 00:14:39,412 --> 00:14:41,148 Great. Bye. 340 00:14:48,088 --> 00:14:49,422 You promised. 341 00:14:49,489 --> 00:14:52,459 No, no. No, no. The head that made the promise 342 00:14:52,525 --> 00:14:54,427 is not the one that broke it. 343 00:14:57,130 --> 00:15:00,100 And besides, you said she was just kind of pretty? 344 00:15:00,167 --> 00:15:01,268 Who do you consider hot? 345 00:15:01,334 --> 00:15:02,835 Taylor. 346 00:15:02,902 --> 00:15:04,371 Taylor's 12. 347 00:15:04,437 --> 00:15:06,473 Hello? 348 00:15:06,539 --> 00:15:08,808 Come on, what's the worst thing that could happen 349 00:15:08,875 --> 00:15:11,011 if I go out with your little friend's mom? 350 00:15:11,078 --> 00:15:12,879 Do I have to explain it to you again? 351 00:15:12,946 --> 00:15:14,714 My guitar teacher, my karate coach... 352 00:15:14,781 --> 00:15:16,049 Okay, okay. 353 00:15:16,116 --> 00:15:19,252 I can't show my face at the comic book store. 354 00:15:19,319 --> 00:15:22,322 All right, but the worst thing doesn't have to happen. 355 00:15:22,389 --> 00:15:25,292 Would you please just not go out with her? 356 00:15:25,358 --> 00:15:28,761 Tell you what-- I'll make you a deal. 357 00:15:28,828 --> 00:15:30,263 I'll give up Taylor's mom in exchange 358 00:15:30,330 --> 00:15:33,066 for you washing my car once a week for the next month. 359 00:15:33,133 --> 00:15:34,401 Done. 360 00:15:34,467 --> 00:15:35,969 That includes Turtle Wax, tire dressing 361 00:15:36,036 --> 00:15:37,904 and vacuuming the carpets. Oh, man. 362 00:15:37,971 --> 00:15:39,439 Hey, hey, hey, hey, the woman is recently divorced. 363 00:15:39,506 --> 00:15:41,241 I didn't ask for her number, she gave it to me. 364 00:15:41,308 --> 00:15:43,210 Do you know what that means? No. 365 00:15:43,276 --> 00:15:46,346 That means one, maybe two dinners, and... 366 00:15:47,914 --> 00:15:50,050 You're waxing my car. 367 00:15:50,117 --> 00:15:52,852 All right. 368 00:15:52,919 --> 00:15:56,289 You're lucky you're not painting the house. 369 00:15:56,356 --> 00:15:59,326 The sacrifices we make for our kids. 370 00:15:59,392 --> 00:16:01,294 Hey. 371 00:16:01,361 --> 00:16:03,430 Hey. 372 00:16:03,496 --> 00:16:04,897 You look like crap. 373 00:16:04,964 --> 00:16:07,267 Thank you. You look terrific. 374 00:16:07,334 --> 00:16:09,069 I feel terrific. 375 00:16:09,136 --> 00:16:10,470 The key is a good night's sleep. 376 00:16:10,537 --> 00:16:12,305 Yeah, listen, uh, 377 00:16:12,372 --> 00:16:14,074 I have to talk to you. 378 00:16:14,141 --> 00:16:16,309 This is a bad time, Alan. How come? 379 00:16:16,376 --> 00:16:17,910 Because you want to talk to me. 380 00:16:19,379 --> 00:16:20,547 Okay, what? 381 00:16:20,613 --> 00:16:23,083 Uh, you know I love you, right? 382 00:16:23,150 --> 00:16:26,253 Alan, are you breaking up with me? 383 00:16:26,319 --> 00:16:29,089 Would you just shut up and listen to me? 384 00:16:29,156 --> 00:16:30,957 Pick one, Alan. 385 00:16:31,024 --> 00:16:35,095 All right, all right, I talked to a therapist. 386 00:16:35,162 --> 00:16:39,332 And I think I learned something. 387 00:16:39,399 --> 00:16:41,968 Nah, too easy. Go ahead. 388 00:16:42,035 --> 00:16:44,204 The thing is... 389 00:16:44,271 --> 00:16:47,307 all these years of watching your life go so smoothly, 390 00:16:47,374 --> 00:16:49,076 while I stumble back and forth 391 00:16:49,142 --> 00:16:51,544 between humiliation and abject failure, 392 00:16:51,611 --> 00:16:54,347 has resulted in me harboring a lot of anger 393 00:16:54,414 --> 00:16:55,848 and jealousy towards you. 394 00:16:55,915 --> 00:16:57,217 Yeah, I get that. 395 00:16:57,284 --> 00:16:59,986 How could it not? 396 00:17:00,053 --> 00:17:04,357 Anyway, I think the tension between my love for you 397 00:17:04,424 --> 00:17:07,160 and my resentment of you is what's causing my insomnia. 398 00:17:07,227 --> 00:17:09,096 And? 399 00:17:09,162 --> 00:17:11,331 And I thought maybe if I got it out in the open, 400 00:17:11,398 --> 00:17:12,399 it might help me sleep. 401 00:17:12,465 --> 00:17:14,267 So how do you feel now? 402 00:17:14,334 --> 00:17:16,403 Better, actually. 403 00:17:16,469 --> 00:17:18,471 Like... like a weight has been lifted. 404 00:17:18,538 --> 00:17:20,073 Well, good. 405 00:17:20,140 --> 00:17:21,341 Yeah, maybe that's it. 406 00:17:21,408 --> 00:17:23,176 Maybe all I needed to do was unload. 407 00:17:23,243 --> 00:17:27,314 Well, a good unloading usually makes me drowsy. 408 00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:28,481 You're disgusting. 409 00:17:28,548 --> 00:17:29,882 True... 410 00:17:29,949 --> 00:17:32,852 but I sleep like a baby. 411 00:17:32,919 --> 00:17:34,521 And if I wake up fussy, 412 00:17:34,587 --> 00:17:37,357 there's always something nearby to put in my mouth. 413 00:17:40,327 --> 00:17:43,363 * Men. 414 00:17:43,430 --> 00:17:45,365 (whistling tune) 415 00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:04,284 I waxed your car. 416 00:18:04,351 --> 00:18:06,386 What? What are you doing up? 417 00:18:06,453 --> 00:18:09,021 You were out with Taylor's mom, weren't you? 418 00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:10,123 No, I wasn't. 419 00:18:10,190 --> 00:18:11,391 Are you sure? 420 00:18:11,458 --> 00:18:13,493 I think I know who I was out with. 421 00:18:13,560 --> 00:18:16,229 Okay, well, maybe you can explain this picture 422 00:18:16,296 --> 00:18:19,031 of your perfectly waxed car in Taylor's driveway. 423 00:18:20,533 --> 00:18:22,202 Where the hell'd you get that? 424 00:18:22,269 --> 00:18:25,338 Taylor took it with her phone and e-mailed it to me. 425 00:18:25,405 --> 00:18:27,374 Oh, okay. 426 00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:29,842 Not my car. 427 00:18:29,909 --> 00:18:31,444 What about this one of you 428 00:18:31,511 --> 00:18:33,313 kissing Taylor's mom in front of the car? 429 00:18:35,382 --> 00:18:37,384 Um... 430 00:18:37,450 --> 00:18:38,351 Photoshop. 431 00:18:40,086 --> 00:18:41,120 How was your date? 432 00:18:41,188 --> 00:18:42,389 Very nice. 433 00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:44,524 Bite me. 434 00:18:46,526 --> 00:18:48,228 Okay, well, good night. 435 00:18:48,295 --> 00:18:50,230 You said you wouldn't go out with her and you did. 436 00:18:50,297 --> 00:18:52,399 I had to, Jake. 437 00:18:52,465 --> 00:18:53,533 She called me. 438 00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:55,235 What difference does that make? 439 00:18:55,302 --> 00:18:57,003 I have to explain it to you? 440 00:18:57,069 --> 00:18:59,406 I have to explain everything to you. 441 00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:01,874 Okay, okay. 442 00:19:01,941 --> 00:19:04,311 Let's say you're a hunter. 443 00:19:04,377 --> 00:19:07,980 If a deer takes your gun, shoots itself, 444 00:19:08,047 --> 00:19:11,251 then straps itself to the roof of your car, 445 00:19:11,318 --> 00:19:14,454 you have to take it home and eat it. 446 00:19:14,521 --> 00:19:17,224 What? 447 00:19:17,290 --> 00:19:18,591 I'm sorry. 448 00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:21,261 I can't make it any clearer. 449 00:19:21,328 --> 00:19:24,264 If you keep seeing her, Uncle Charlie, you're gonna be sorry. 450 00:19:24,331 --> 00:19:26,065 Whoa. 451 00:19:26,132 --> 00:19:27,099 Is that a threat? 452 00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:28,268 No, it's a promise. 453 00:19:28,335 --> 00:19:30,169 What's the difference? 454 00:19:30,237 --> 00:19:33,273 I don't know-- one's a threat and one's a promise. 455 00:19:33,340 --> 00:19:35,342 (sighs) 456 00:19:35,408 --> 00:19:38,144 Oh, come on, buddy, let's be reasonable here. 457 00:19:38,211 --> 00:19:40,280 Your relationship with your little friend is what, 458 00:19:40,347 --> 00:19:43,082 instant messaging and holding hands at the pep rally? 459 00:19:43,149 --> 00:19:44,517 What's a pep rally? 460 00:19:44,584 --> 00:19:46,386 Just listen to me. 461 00:19:46,453 --> 00:19:49,088 Before you know it, you'll have forgotten all about Taylor. 462 00:19:49,155 --> 00:19:50,923 And you'll have forgotten all about her mother. 463 00:19:50,990 --> 00:19:53,025 No doubt. 464 00:19:53,092 --> 00:19:55,362 But I guarantee you I'll be forgetting a lot more 465 00:19:55,428 --> 00:19:57,397 than holding her hand at a pep rally. 466 00:19:57,464 --> 00:19:59,366 Last chance, Uncle Charlie. 467 00:20:00,467 --> 00:20:03,470 Ooh, I'm so scared. 468 00:20:05,338 --> 00:20:07,340 (mocking): Last chance, Uncle Charlie. 469 00:20:07,407 --> 00:20:09,409 (scoffs) Please. 470 00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:20,253 CHARLIE: Jake...! 471 00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:21,488 What's going on? 472 00:20:21,554 --> 00:20:22,722 Nothing. Got to go. 473 00:20:22,789 --> 00:20:24,491 You're dead. 474 00:20:24,557 --> 00:20:27,193 You are so dead! 475 00:20:27,260 --> 00:20:28,328 (screams) 476 00:20:28,395 --> 00:20:29,529 (thud) 477 00:20:31,331 --> 00:20:32,532 Damn it. 478 00:20:42,208 --> 00:20:44,143 He went that way. 479 00:20:47,414 --> 00:20:50,283 Great slime. 480 00:20:50,350 --> 00:20:51,318 Thanks. 481 00:20:51,384 --> 00:20:54,621 It's an old family recipe. 482 00:20:54,687 --> 00:20:58,358 Where are you, you rat bastard?! 483 00:20:58,425 --> 00:21:00,993 MAN (over speaker): This is the Los Angeles Sheriff's Department! 484 00:21:01,060 --> 00:21:03,696 Get down on the sand with your arms spread! 485 00:21:03,763 --> 00:21:05,097 It's okay! 486 00:21:05,164 --> 00:21:07,667 I'm just trying to kill a kid! 487 00:21:07,734 --> 00:21:11,237 Release the dogs! 488 00:21:11,304 --> 00:21:12,372 (dogs barking) 489 00:21:12,439 --> 00:21:13,373 * Men. 490 00:21:16,409 --> 00:21:19,078 That's right. 491 00:21:19,145 --> 00:21:21,448 Release the dogs. 492 00:21:25,518 --> 00:21:28,187 (yawns)