1 00:00:04,172 --> 00:00:06,207 (telephone rings) 2 00:00:07,575 --> 00:00:09,009 Hello? 3 00:00:09,077 --> 00:00:10,078 Hold on. 4 00:00:10,144 --> 00:00:11,412 Are you in for Suzanne? 5 00:00:13,647 --> 00:00:16,217 I kinda have to be. 6 00:00:16,284 --> 00:00:18,719 You didn't put your hand over the phone. 7 00:00:18,786 --> 00:00:21,622 Oh, right. 8 00:00:21,689 --> 00:00:23,357 Sorry, he's not here. 9 00:00:25,193 --> 00:00:26,694 Gimme, gimme. 10 00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:29,163 Sorry about that. My brother's kid. 11 00:00:29,230 --> 00:00:31,665 Yeah, dumb as a stump. 12 00:00:31,732 --> 00:00:34,102 (doorbell rings) 13 00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:38,306 Hi. 14 00:00:42,210 --> 00:00:45,346 I'm not sure I have the right address. 15 00:00:45,413 --> 00:00:47,381 No, you got the right address. 16 00:00:50,318 --> 00:00:52,186 Charlie, it's for you! 17 00:00:53,287 --> 00:00:55,589 Who is it? 18 00:00:55,656 --> 00:00:59,660 Karma. 19 00:00:59,727 --> 00:01:01,262 What? 20 00:01:01,329 --> 00:01:04,165 Your chickens have come home to roost. 21 00:01:05,266 --> 00:01:06,767 Chickens? Karma? 22 00:01:06,834 --> 00:01:09,103 Alan, what the hell are you talking... 23 00:01:10,171 --> 00:01:12,340 Ew... 24 00:01:12,406 --> 00:01:15,543 Charlie, it's for you! 25 00:01:15,609 --> 00:01:18,512 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 26 00:01:18,579 --> 00:01:22,082 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh 27 00:01:22,150 --> 00:01:25,018 * Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh 28 00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:27,121 * Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... * 29 00:01:27,188 --> 00:01:29,523 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 30 00:01:29,590 --> 00:01:32,626 * Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 31 00:01:32,693 --> 00:01:37,198 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 32 00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:44,305 Hey... 33 00:01:44,372 --> 00:01:46,807 great to see you... 34 00:01:46,874 --> 00:01:49,377 again. 35 00:01:49,443 --> 00:01:51,779 I don't think we've met. 36 00:01:51,845 --> 00:01:52,680 Really? 37 00:01:52,746 --> 00:01:54,047 Really. 38 00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:55,449 Are you trying to give me a stroke? 39 00:01:55,516 --> 00:01:57,818 Is that what you're trying to do? 40 00:01:57,885 --> 00:01:59,119 Well, it's about time. 41 00:01:59,187 --> 00:02:00,321 Oh, hey, Mom. 42 00:02:00,388 --> 00:02:02,390 I got the cleaning stuff you wanted. 43 00:02:03,557 --> 00:02:05,159 Well, don't just stand there. 44 00:02:05,226 --> 00:02:06,594 Get in the kitchen and start using it. 45 00:02:06,660 --> 00:02:08,229 Fine. 46 00:02:08,296 --> 00:02:10,130 Berta, aren't you going to introduce us? 47 00:02:10,198 --> 00:02:11,199 Oh, I'm sorry. 48 00:02:11,265 --> 00:02:12,300 Where are my manners? 49 00:02:12,366 --> 00:02:14,435 Charlie, Alan, 50 00:02:14,502 --> 00:02:17,238 I'd like you to meet my youngest daughter Naomi-- 51 00:02:17,305 --> 00:02:19,407 the light of my life. 52 00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:21,509 A little angel who swooped down from heaven 53 00:02:21,575 --> 00:02:24,278 and landed on a married man's penis. 54 00:02:25,313 --> 00:02:26,680 Mom! 55 00:02:26,747 --> 00:02:29,149 And when she got knocked up and lost her job, 56 00:02:29,217 --> 00:02:30,818 she had to come live with me. 57 00:02:30,884 --> 00:02:32,453 They fired you for being pregnant? 58 00:02:32,520 --> 00:02:33,654 Yep. Being pregnant 59 00:02:33,721 --> 00:02:36,724 and stealing a few office supplies. 60 00:02:36,790 --> 00:02:40,628 Eight computers and a Xerox machine. 61 00:02:40,694 --> 00:02:42,596 Not all at once. 62 00:02:44,298 --> 00:02:45,499 So which one of you guys 63 00:02:45,566 --> 00:02:47,701 is the rich one who likes to party? 64 00:02:50,538 --> 00:02:51,672 Get to work. 65 00:02:51,739 --> 00:02:53,674 All right. 66 00:02:53,741 --> 00:02:55,643 And when you're done in the kitchen, 67 00:02:55,709 --> 00:02:57,478 you can scrub the toilets. 68 00:02:57,545 --> 00:03:01,749 All right! 69 00:03:01,815 --> 00:03:03,817 she wouldn't be in this situation. 70 00:03:04,752 --> 00:03:06,687 Not necessarily. 71 00:03:08,722 --> 00:03:11,325 Should she really be scrubbing toilets in her condition? 72 00:03:11,392 --> 00:03:12,860 Hey, when I was pregnant with her 73 00:03:12,926 --> 00:03:14,695 I worked right up until my water broke. 74 00:03:14,762 --> 00:03:16,764 And then I used the water to mop the floor. 75 00:03:18,699 --> 00:03:21,602 I exaggerate for effect. 76 00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:25,539 Wow. 77 00:03:25,606 --> 00:03:28,676 Yeah, and we think our family's screwed-up. 78 00:03:28,742 --> 00:03:34,147 No, no, I meant, "Wow, Naomi is hot." 79 00:03:34,214 --> 00:03:36,417 What? 80 00:03:36,484 --> 00:03:38,652 Come on. She's ripe and luscious. 81 00:03:38,719 --> 00:03:42,456 I just want to caress that taut, voluptuous belly 82 00:03:42,523 --> 00:03:44,525 and, you know... 83 00:03:46,460 --> 00:03:49,162 Ungh... 84 00:03:50,331 --> 00:03:52,433 Who are you? 85 00:03:52,500 --> 00:03:54,768 Oh, come on, you can't tell me you don't appreciate 86 00:03:54,835 --> 00:03:56,704 the beauty of a woman in that condition. 87 00:03:56,770 --> 00:04:00,240 Okay, look, freako. 88 00:04:00,308 --> 00:04:02,943 I get the aesthetic appeal 89 00:04:03,010 --> 00:04:04,545 of a woman with the glow of motherhood, 90 00:04:04,612 --> 00:04:07,881 a new life growing inside of her, blah, blah, blah. 91 00:04:07,948 --> 00:04:09,317 But long story short-- 92 00:04:09,383 --> 00:04:10,751 once there's a bun in the oven, 93 00:04:10,818 --> 00:04:13,421 I don't feel the need to butter it. 94 00:04:13,487 --> 00:04:15,656 Well, then you have missed out 95 00:04:15,723 --> 00:04:18,359 on one of the great sexual experiences a man can have. 96 00:04:18,426 --> 00:04:20,328 There had to be one. 97 00:04:21,495 --> 00:04:23,397 When Judith was pregnant with Jake, 98 00:04:23,464 --> 00:04:25,198 I-I don't know if it was hormones 99 00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:28,802 or pheromones, but she just could not get enough of me. 100 00:04:28,869 --> 00:04:30,871 And ever since then, every time I see a pregnant woman, 101 00:04:30,938 --> 00:04:32,373 I just... 102 00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:34,775 (moans) 103 00:04:34,842 --> 00:04:37,778 Okay, seriously, you got to stop that. 104 00:04:37,845 --> 00:04:39,580 I am telling you, it was nine months 105 00:04:39,647 --> 00:04:40,948 of the hottest sex we've ever had, 106 00:04:41,014 --> 00:04:42,850 even with the morning sickness and hemorrhoids. 107 00:04:44,452 --> 00:04:45,886 Maybe that explains Jake's grades. 108 00:04:47,388 --> 00:04:48,989 Morning sickness and hemorrhoids? 109 00:04:49,056 --> 00:04:52,760 No, the repeated blows to his unformed head. 110 00:04:56,330 --> 00:04:57,731 You are such an idiot. 111 00:04:57,798 --> 00:04:59,867 All the experts agree that sex during pregnancy 112 00:04:59,933 --> 00:05:01,234 is not harmful to the baby. 113 00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:03,837 Experts, shmexperts. 114 00:05:03,904 --> 00:05:05,473 Tonight when you're sleeping, I'm gonna come in 115 00:05:05,539 --> 00:05:07,741 and start poking you in the ear with a hot dog. 116 00:05:09,843 --> 00:05:11,879 See how you like it. 117 00:05:11,945 --> 00:05:14,715 Okay, okay, clearly, we have different opinions. 118 00:05:14,782 --> 00:05:16,817 All I know is, I find pregnant women 119 00:05:16,884 --> 00:05:19,953 very erotic. 120 00:05:20,020 --> 00:05:22,590 Oh, hey, buddy. 121 00:05:22,656 --> 00:05:23,857 Hi. 122 00:05:23,924 --> 00:05:25,559 How long have you been standing there? 123 00:05:25,626 --> 00:05:28,929 Long enough to be very confused. 124 00:05:30,664 --> 00:05:32,933 But we have hot dogs, right? 125 00:05:36,904 --> 00:05:38,906 * Men 126 00:05:42,843 --> 00:05:44,912 (moans) 127 00:05:46,013 --> 00:05:47,481 Excuse me? 128 00:05:47,548 --> 00:05:50,484 Oh, it's just a little indigestion. 129 00:05:50,551 --> 00:05:54,522 So, uh, she's got you doing a little ironing, huh? 130 00:05:54,588 --> 00:05:56,790 Yeah. Boy, I can't wait to get this day over with 131 00:05:56,857 --> 00:05:58,826 and take a nice, hot bath. 132 00:05:58,892 --> 00:06:00,561 (moans) 133 00:06:05,999 --> 00:06:07,768 You know, uh, 134 00:06:07,835 --> 00:06:10,037 we happen to have a Jacuzzi tub. 135 00:06:10,103 --> 00:06:11,539 It, uh, has those jets and... 136 00:06:15,142 --> 00:06:16,444 I'm okay. 137 00:06:16,510 --> 00:06:17,545 I'm okay. 138 00:06:17,611 --> 00:06:18,612 (laughing): Are you sure? 139 00:06:18,679 --> 00:06:20,347 Yeah, yeah, fine. 140 00:06:20,414 --> 00:06:21,849 You, uh, you want me to run some water for you? 141 00:06:21,915 --> 00:06:22,750 No, no, I couldn't. 142 00:06:22,816 --> 00:06:24,452 I got to keep working 143 00:06:24,518 --> 00:06:26,820 or my mom'll be all over me like hair on soap. 144 00:06:28,922 --> 00:06:31,892 Mm, you, uh, you do paint a picture. 145 00:06:31,959 --> 00:06:35,028 But still, you, you shouldn't be working in your condition. 146 00:06:35,095 --> 00:06:37,097 Come on, just, uh, just sit here. 147 00:06:37,164 --> 00:06:38,932 I'll, uh, I'll finish it for you. 148 00:06:38,999 --> 00:06:39,933 Really? 149 00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:41,001 Yes, really. 150 00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:42,536 Why, thank you. 151 00:06:42,603 --> 00:06:43,537 (both laugh) 152 00:06:46,073 --> 00:06:48,676 You're not doing a very good job anyway. 153 00:06:51,779 --> 00:06:52,946 Ooh. 154 00:06:53,013 --> 00:06:53,881 Hot. 155 00:06:56,817 --> 00:06:58,051 So, you know what the baby is? 156 00:06:58,118 --> 00:07:01,421 Well, I'm hoping for human. 157 00:07:03,591 --> 00:07:04,992 Uh, no, no, I meant boy or girl? 158 00:07:05,058 --> 00:07:05,993 Oh, it's a girl. 159 00:07:06,059 --> 00:07:07,127 Oh, oh, that's nice. 160 00:07:07,194 --> 00:07:08,829 I always wanted a girl. 161 00:07:08,896 --> 00:07:11,364 I mean, you know, I love my son, but let's face it, 162 00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:13,967 girls are so much smarter and more spiritual than boys. 163 00:07:14,034 --> 00:07:17,004 Plus, we got all the boobies. 164 00:07:18,105 --> 00:07:20,373 All the good ones anyway. 165 00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:24,377 Course, right now, mine feel like two big bags of wet sand. 166 00:07:25,479 --> 00:07:26,947 Nice. 167 00:07:27,014 --> 00:07:29,750 My back is killing me, my feet are swollen, 168 00:07:29,817 --> 00:07:32,520 and I'm passing gas like a NASCAR pit crew. 169 00:07:35,623 --> 00:07:37,925 Well, I-I think you look... beautiful. 170 00:07:39,026 --> 00:07:40,528 Aren't you sweet? 171 00:07:41,829 --> 00:07:43,430 Ooh. God, it feels 172 00:07:43,497 --> 00:07:44,965 like she's playing Hacky Sack in there. 173 00:07:45,032 --> 00:07:46,967 Wanna feel? Yes. 174 00:07:50,938 --> 00:07:53,006 Come on. 175 00:07:57,010 --> 00:07:58,445 What's going on here? 176 00:07:58,512 --> 00:07:59,747 Oh, hi, Berta. 177 00:07:59,813 --> 00:08:01,549 The baby was kicking and Naomi asked me 178 00:08:01,615 --> 00:08:03,483 if I wanted to feel the baby kicking and I said, "Sure," 179 00:08:03,551 --> 00:08:05,085 which is when you walked in, and that's pretty much it. 180 00:08:05,152 --> 00:08:06,654 Okay. Yes, it is okay. 181 00:08:06,720 --> 00:08:08,088 It is okay. 182 00:08:08,155 --> 00:08:10,558 Hey, you're having a new granddaughter. 183 00:08:10,624 --> 00:08:11,992 W-What a blessing, huh? 184 00:08:12,059 --> 00:08:14,662 Yeah, sort of takes the sting out of this one 185 00:08:14,728 --> 00:08:17,931 being a gullible tramp. 186 00:08:17,998 --> 00:08:20,500 Now, get off your rump roast and finish the ironing. 187 00:08:20,568 --> 00:08:22,636 Oh, wait, relax, Berta, I'll do the ironing. 188 00:08:22,703 --> 00:08:24,972 Why don't you just let Naomi take it easy? 189 00:08:25,038 --> 00:08:27,675 Easy's the reason she's in this condition. 190 00:08:28,776 --> 00:08:30,578 Get to it. All right. 191 00:08:32,746 --> 00:08:34,848 You know, if, if your back is really bothering you, 192 00:08:34,915 --> 00:08:36,784 I'm a chiropractor... Zippy! 193 00:08:36,850 --> 00:08:38,185 Yes? Conference. 194 00:08:38,251 --> 00:08:39,186 Yes. 195 00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:45,492 Zippy is kind of an affectionate nickname... 196 00:08:45,559 --> 00:08:47,227 'cause I'm quick. 197 00:08:49,697 --> 00:08:51,131 What are you doing? 198 00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:53,533 I'm trying to teach that girl responsibility. 199 00:08:53,601 --> 00:08:56,570 She's going to be a single mother with no job skills. 200 00:08:56,637 --> 00:08:59,172 I want her to be able to support herself with some dignity. 201 00:08:59,239 --> 00:09:01,642 Oh, please, what kind of dignity can a woman have 202 00:09:01,709 --> 00:09:03,877 ironing clothes and cleaning strangers' toilets? 203 00:09:06,279 --> 00:09:08,982 I'll tell you what kind. 204 00:09:09,049 --> 00:09:11,719 The dignity of an honest buck for an honest day's labor. 205 00:09:11,785 --> 00:09:13,153 Hats off to the working gal. Excuse me. 206 00:09:18,025 --> 00:09:20,093 * Men 207 00:09:23,263 --> 00:09:25,799 (sobbing) 208 00:09:25,866 --> 00:09:27,668 (sniffling) 209 00:09:27,735 --> 00:09:29,837 Berta? Go away. 210 00:09:29,903 --> 00:09:34,174 Uh, I actually need to use the bathroom. 211 00:09:34,241 --> 00:09:36,509 Well, I'm using this one. 212 00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:37,645 Are you okay? 213 00:09:37,711 --> 00:09:40,247 Yeah, Charlie, I am just aces. 214 00:09:40,313 --> 00:09:42,582 All right, uh... 215 00:09:42,650 --> 00:09:44,718 Would you like a magazine? 216 00:09:44,785 --> 00:09:46,286 Go... away. 217 00:09:49,222 --> 00:09:50,290 (sniffles) 218 00:09:50,357 --> 00:09:53,060 Berta, I'm coming in. 219 00:09:53,126 --> 00:09:54,561 Is it okay if I come in? 220 00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:00,801 Hi. 221 00:10:00,868 --> 00:10:02,102 (sniffling) 222 00:10:02,169 --> 00:10:04,638 I didn't want you to see me like this. 223 00:10:04,705 --> 00:10:05,906 Yeah, well, it's better 224 00:10:05,973 --> 00:10:08,041 than the image I had in my mind. 225 00:10:09,142 --> 00:10:11,078 What's wrong? 226 00:10:11,144 --> 00:10:13,080 What do you think? 227 00:10:14,147 --> 00:10:15,683 Your daughter? 228 00:10:15,749 --> 00:10:17,885 I had such hopes for her. 229 00:10:17,951 --> 00:10:20,854 Of all of my girls, she was the smart one. 230 00:10:20,921 --> 00:10:24,224 She was the smart one? 231 00:10:24,291 --> 00:10:26,226 Go on. 232 00:10:26,293 --> 00:10:27,895 I really thought 233 00:10:27,961 --> 00:10:30,263 Naomi would make something of herself, you know? 234 00:10:30,330 --> 00:10:31,765 A career, a family. 235 00:10:31,832 --> 00:10:33,901 A house that wasn't just a horse trailer 236 00:10:33,967 --> 00:10:36,036 with a futon in it. 237 00:10:36,103 --> 00:10:37,270 Don't blame yourself. 238 00:10:37,337 --> 00:10:39,039 It's not your fault. 239 00:10:39,106 --> 00:10:42,275 Who said anything about being my fault, you nimrod? 240 00:10:42,342 --> 00:10:44,244 No, no, no, no, no. 241 00:10:44,311 --> 00:10:46,847 I'm-I'm just saying that-that you did the best you could. 242 00:10:46,914 --> 00:10:49,116 How the hell do you know? 243 00:10:49,182 --> 00:10:51,985 Actually, I-I don't. 244 00:10:52,052 --> 00:10:57,124 But I am something of an expert on where girls go wrong. 245 00:10:57,190 --> 00:10:59,326 When-When they start sleeping around, 246 00:10:59,392 --> 00:11:01,862 it-it's usually a daddy thing. 247 00:11:01,929 --> 00:11:04,231 At least in my experience. 248 00:11:04,297 --> 00:11:06,599 Thanks for trying to cheer me up, Charlie. 249 00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:07,600 You're welcome. 250 00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:08,869 But you can stop now, 251 00:11:08,936 --> 00:11:10,137 'cause it ain't your forte. 252 00:11:10,203 --> 00:11:11,638 Okay. 253 00:11:11,705 --> 00:11:14,141 I'll tell you whose fault it is. 254 00:11:14,207 --> 00:11:15,208 Ronald Wiedermeier. 255 00:11:15,275 --> 00:11:16,777 Who? 256 00:11:16,844 --> 00:11:19,312 The sleazeball who pollinated my little flower 257 00:11:19,379 --> 00:11:23,016 then disappeared like cupcakes at a pot party. 258 00:11:23,083 --> 00:11:24,918 Damn that Ronald Niedermeier. 259 00:11:24,985 --> 00:11:25,753 Wiedermeier. 260 00:11:25,819 --> 00:11:27,620 Him, too. 261 00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:30,157 Well, I'll tell ya, I am not gonna let him get away with it. 262 00:11:30,223 --> 00:11:31,158 Good for you. 263 00:11:31,224 --> 00:11:32,826 Guys like that need to know 264 00:11:32,893 --> 00:11:34,627 that there's consequences to their actions. 265 00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:37,330 They need to learn that-that women are people with feelings. 266 00:11:37,397 --> 00:11:39,299 They're not just vaginas that talk. 267 00:11:39,366 --> 00:11:41,869 "Vaginas that talk"? 268 00:11:41,935 --> 00:11:45,372 Damn that Ronald Wiedermeier. 269 00:11:45,438 --> 00:11:47,140 You know, Charlie, you may be a pig, 270 00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:48,308 but in this case, you're right. 271 00:11:48,375 --> 00:11:49,242 Thank you. 272 00:11:49,309 --> 00:11:50,744 What did I say? 273 00:11:50,811 --> 00:11:53,646 We need to teach Mr. Wiedermeier a lesson. 274 00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:55,282 I don't think I said that. 275 00:11:55,348 --> 00:11:56,784 Come on. 276 00:11:56,850 --> 00:11:58,251 No, really, I-I am almost positive 277 00:11:58,318 --> 00:12:00,420 I didn't say that. 278 00:12:03,757 --> 00:12:06,359 You know, I still have to pee. 279 00:12:06,426 --> 00:12:09,296 * Men. 280 00:12:13,901 --> 00:12:15,202 Where the hell are we? 281 00:12:15,268 --> 00:12:17,805 It's called Rancho Pacoima. 282 00:12:17,871 --> 00:12:19,672 Huh. 283 00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:22,776 It's very... brown. 284 00:12:22,843 --> 00:12:26,780 Yeah, not much grows here except meth labs and cold sores. 285 00:12:28,381 --> 00:12:29,850 Just out of curiosity, 286 00:12:29,917 --> 00:12:31,284 what exactly are we hoping to accomplish 287 00:12:31,351 --> 00:12:33,020 here with this Ronald guy? 288 00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:35,288 Well, in the perfect world, he'd dump his wife 289 00:12:35,355 --> 00:12:36,790 and marry my little hose bag. 290 00:12:36,857 --> 00:12:39,259 But I'll settle for him stepping up 291 00:12:39,326 --> 00:12:40,861 and paying for his mistake. 292 00:12:40,928 --> 00:12:42,395 And if he declines? 293 00:12:42,462 --> 00:12:43,330 That's why I brought you. 294 00:12:43,396 --> 00:12:44,932 Me? 295 00:12:44,998 --> 00:12:48,068 All I can do at this point is pee on his rug. 296 00:12:48,135 --> 00:12:50,270 You still have to go? 297 00:12:50,337 --> 00:12:53,473 Well, yeah, it doesn't evaporate. 298 00:12:53,540 --> 00:12:55,843 Can we pull over for a minute? 299 00:12:55,909 --> 00:12:57,777 In this neighborhood in a Mercedes? 300 00:12:57,845 --> 00:13:01,281 Sure, if you're partial to car theft and sodomy. 301 00:13:03,016 --> 00:13:04,784 Take a left right here. 302 00:13:04,852 --> 00:13:06,086 That's not a road. 303 00:13:06,153 --> 00:13:08,155 Well, not during rainy season. 304 00:13:12,960 --> 00:13:14,794 (thud) 305 00:13:14,862 --> 00:13:15,896 Oh, God! 306 00:13:15,963 --> 00:13:17,965 I think I hit a dog! 307 00:13:18,031 --> 00:13:19,967 Don't worry. It was just a rat. 308 00:13:20,033 --> 00:13:21,768 It's okay. He's getting up. 309 00:13:25,538 --> 00:13:28,108 * Men. 310 00:13:28,175 --> 00:13:31,744 (giggles) 311 00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:32,946 What's this stuff called again? 312 00:13:33,013 --> 00:13:35,115 Vitamin E oil. Oh. 313 00:13:35,182 --> 00:13:37,350 Feels really good. 314 00:13:37,417 --> 00:13:38,852 Ah... 315 00:13:44,958 --> 00:13:46,894 (doorbell rings) 316 00:13:48,595 --> 00:13:50,330 Hey, Mom. I'm ready to go. 317 00:13:50,397 --> 00:13:51,831 Where's your father? 318 00:13:51,899 --> 00:13:53,766 He's in the den rubbing oil on Naomi. 319 00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:56,069 Who's Naomi? 320 00:13:56,136 --> 00:13:57,770 Berta's daughter. 321 00:13:57,837 --> 00:14:00,240 Your father's rubbing oil on a woman in front of you? 322 00:14:00,307 --> 00:14:01,774 Nah. I couldn't watch. 323 00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:03,877 It was too creepy. 324 00:14:03,944 --> 00:14:05,913 Well, we'll just see about that. 325 00:14:05,979 --> 00:14:08,148 Oh, and by the way, I found out why I get bad grades. 326 00:14:08,215 --> 00:14:09,816 It's all your fault. 327 00:14:09,883 --> 00:14:12,385 Why is it my fault? 328 00:14:12,452 --> 00:14:15,288 You know. 329 00:14:15,355 --> 00:14:17,390 NAOMI: Oh, yeah, Alan. 330 00:14:17,457 --> 00:14:18,858 ALAN: Ah... 331 00:14:18,926 --> 00:14:20,961 Wait in the car. 332 00:14:22,996 --> 00:14:24,097 Alan, what do you think you're doing? 333 00:14:24,164 --> 00:14:25,465 Oh, hi, Judith. 334 00:14:25,532 --> 00:14:27,234 Naomi here was worried about stretch marks, 335 00:14:27,300 --> 00:14:28,468 and I was showing her how vitamin E can help prevent them. 336 00:14:28,535 --> 00:14:30,203 You know, like I did with you. 337 00:14:30,270 --> 00:14:31,504 And then you walked in, and that's pretty much it. 338 00:14:31,571 --> 00:14:33,006 Oh, really? 339 00:14:33,073 --> 00:14:35,108 Yeah. Hey, why don't you pull up your top 340 00:14:35,175 --> 00:14:37,110 and let her check out your belly? 341 00:14:37,177 --> 00:14:38,946 I will not! 342 00:14:39,012 --> 00:14:40,147 So he rubbed this on you, too? 343 00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:41,814 Oh, he rubbed all right, 344 00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:44,184 but it was only to satisfy his own twisted needs. 345 00:14:44,251 --> 00:14:47,287 Excuse me, but you were the one that was constantly horny. 346 00:14:47,354 --> 00:14:49,122 And you sure took advantage of it, didn't you? 347 00:14:49,189 --> 00:14:52,025 Hey, when the bar is only open nine months a decade, 348 00:14:52,092 --> 00:14:53,860 you drink till you puke. 349 00:14:55,262 --> 00:14:56,964 And then you keep drinking. 350 00:14:57,030 --> 00:14:58,265 (Jake laughs) 351 00:14:58,331 --> 00:15:01,969 That's funny. 352 00:15:02,035 --> 00:15:04,604 Hey, buddy. 353 00:15:04,671 --> 00:15:08,908 You're turning into quite the little ninja, aren't you? 354 00:15:08,976 --> 00:15:10,577 There's just one thing I don't understand. 355 00:15:10,643 --> 00:15:12,045 Well, wha-what's that, honey? 356 00:15:12,112 --> 00:15:13,280 If you have sex with a pregnant lady, 357 00:15:13,346 --> 00:15:14,847 wouldn't she have twins? 358 00:15:14,914 --> 00:15:16,283 No. 359 00:15:16,349 --> 00:15:19,486 Otherwise, I'd be having a whole damn litter. 360 00:15:21,588 --> 00:15:24,524 * Men. 361 00:15:24,591 --> 00:15:27,027 (dogs barking) 362 00:15:30,930 --> 00:15:33,500 Lot of cold medicine. 363 00:15:33,566 --> 00:15:35,568 He must have allergies or something. 364 00:15:35,635 --> 00:15:38,005 You don't watch 60Minutes, do you? 365 00:15:44,477 --> 00:15:46,613 (bumping and thudding) 366 00:15:48,115 --> 00:15:50,050 What? 367 00:15:50,117 --> 00:15:51,584 You Ronald? 368 00:15:51,651 --> 00:15:53,053 No. 369 00:15:53,120 --> 00:15:54,954 WOMAN: Ronald, who is it? 370 00:15:55,022 --> 00:15:59,492 Damn it, Darlene. We're incognito, remember? 371 00:16:00,593 --> 00:16:02,229 You cops? 372 00:16:02,295 --> 00:16:03,496 Yeah. 373 00:16:03,563 --> 00:16:05,965 I'm Scully. This is Mulder. 374 00:16:07,434 --> 00:16:09,636 Listen, can I use your bathroom? 375 00:16:09,702 --> 00:16:13,473 No, no, it's, uh, not functioning... correctly. 376 00:16:13,540 --> 00:16:15,642 We use the Chevron up the block. 377 00:16:15,708 --> 00:16:17,044 Bye. 378 00:16:17,110 --> 00:16:18,578 No bye-bye. 379 00:16:18,645 --> 00:16:20,080 So, Ronald, this is the deal. 380 00:16:20,147 --> 00:16:21,648 You've knocked up my little girl, 381 00:16:21,714 --> 00:16:24,051 and I want to know what you're gonna do about it. 382 00:16:24,117 --> 00:16:25,418 Well, that depends. 383 00:16:25,485 --> 00:16:26,619 On what? 384 00:16:26,686 --> 00:16:28,288 Who's your little girl? 385 00:16:28,355 --> 00:16:29,522 Naomi. 386 00:16:29,589 --> 00:16:31,058 Naomi? 387 00:16:31,124 --> 00:16:34,694 Oh, I haven't seen Naomi in a real long time. 388 00:16:34,761 --> 00:16:37,064 About eight, nine months? 389 00:16:37,130 --> 00:16:39,032 Yeah, that sounds right. 390 00:16:39,099 --> 00:16:40,433 Ew. 391 00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:42,069 DARLENE: Ronald, what's going on? 392 00:16:42,135 --> 00:16:43,603 Nothing, sweet cheeks. 393 00:16:43,670 --> 00:16:45,272 Okay, look, 394 00:16:45,338 --> 00:16:47,674 I'd like to keep this away from the missus. 395 00:16:47,740 --> 00:16:49,242 She's a little volatile. 396 00:16:49,309 --> 00:16:52,779 Hasn't slept really well. 397 00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:54,481 Maybe you've got a coffee can or a milk jug? 398 00:16:54,547 --> 00:16:55,782 I could just go around back? 399 00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:58,351 No, no, it's a real mess back there. 400 00:16:58,418 --> 00:16:59,652 (explosive pop) 401 00:16:59,719 --> 00:17:02,122 Ooh! 402 00:17:02,189 --> 00:17:07,060 Damn it, Darlene. I told you not to smoke in there. 403 00:17:07,127 --> 00:17:11,431 Well, I don't have to pee anymore. 404 00:17:14,267 --> 00:17:17,237 * Men. 405 00:17:17,304 --> 00:17:19,172 Oh! 406 00:17:19,239 --> 00:17:21,374 That feels so good. 407 00:17:21,441 --> 00:17:23,410 (breaks wind) 408 00:17:27,180 --> 00:17:28,381 Sorry. 409 00:17:28,448 --> 00:17:30,083 Oh, no, don't be silly. 410 00:17:30,150 --> 00:17:32,119 It's a... It's a natural bodily function. Oh. 411 00:17:32,185 --> 00:17:34,721 The, uh, the baby is-is pressing down on the intestines and... 412 00:17:34,787 --> 00:17:36,789 Oh, dear Lord! 413 00:17:37,690 --> 00:17:39,359 Oh, I'm sorry. 414 00:17:39,426 --> 00:17:41,794 Oh, no, no. No, it's-it's all right. Okay. 415 00:17:41,861 --> 00:17:43,230 Uh, I'm used to it. 416 00:17:43,296 --> 00:17:45,098 When my wife was pregnant... 417 00:17:45,165 --> 00:17:47,167 Oh, that's got some hang time. 418 00:17:48,701 --> 00:17:52,739 You are so sweet, Alan. 419 00:17:52,805 --> 00:17:54,841 How come I've never met a man like you? 420 00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:57,710 Well, speaking on behalf of men like me, 421 00:17:57,777 --> 00:18:00,213 we don't get out a lot. 422 00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:06,253 (breaks wind) 423 00:18:09,156 --> 00:18:10,357 Sorry. 424 00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:13,860 I'm not. 425 00:18:19,266 --> 00:18:22,402 You know, these sweatpants are really comfortable. 426 00:18:22,469 --> 00:18:24,137 That's 'cause they're dry. 427 00:18:25,205 --> 00:18:26,406 And boy, what a deal. 428 00:18:26,473 --> 00:18:28,241 What did you call that place again? 429 00:18:28,308 --> 00:18:29,409 A swap meet. 430 00:18:29,476 --> 00:18:32,212 Swap meet. 431 00:18:33,913 --> 00:18:37,417 Well, aside from the exploding meth lab and peeing myself, 432 00:18:37,484 --> 00:18:39,219 this was a fun little trip. 433 00:18:39,286 --> 00:18:42,155 I got the sweatpants and a bag of tube socks, 434 00:18:42,222 --> 00:18:45,692 four DVDs and a corn dog, all for eight bucks. 435 00:18:45,758 --> 00:18:47,260 Just a hint. 436 00:18:47,327 --> 00:18:49,429 The corn dog will last longer than the socks. 437 00:18:49,496 --> 00:18:51,164 NAOMI: Oh, God! Oh! 438 00:18:51,231 --> 00:18:52,599 Oh, it's too big! 439 00:18:52,665 --> 00:18:54,501 What the hell? 440 00:18:54,567 --> 00:18:56,636 Alan, you sick freak. 441 00:18:57,737 --> 00:18:59,572 Naomi! 442 00:18:59,639 --> 00:19:02,275 Oh, hi. She's having a baby. 443 00:19:02,342 --> 00:19:03,810 BERTA: Oh, damn! 444 00:19:03,876 --> 00:19:05,678 It's all right, honey. Mommy's here. 445 00:19:05,745 --> 00:19:06,846 (Naomi moaning) 446 00:19:06,913 --> 00:19:08,248 Ooh... 447 00:19:08,315 --> 00:19:10,417 What? You never saw an angry one before? 448 00:19:10,483 --> 00:19:11,784 Out of the way, Zippy. 449 00:19:11,851 --> 00:19:14,254 It's okay. I'm a chiropractor. 450 00:19:14,321 --> 00:19:17,156 (screaming and sobbing) 451 00:19:17,224 --> 00:19:17,790 You got it. 452 00:19:19,392 --> 00:19:20,660 It's okay, honey. That's it, yeah. 453 00:19:20,727 --> 00:19:22,762 Now take a big deep breath and push! 454 00:19:22,829 --> 00:19:24,497 Yeah, whoa, whoa, hold on! hold on! 455 00:19:24,564 --> 00:19:27,434 Let me put down some tube socks! 456 00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:29,836 Breathe. 457 00:19:29,902 --> 00:19:32,171 Breathe. Now, push! 458 00:19:32,239 --> 00:19:34,307 (pained groaning and crying) 459 00:19:35,675 --> 00:19:36,643 Push! 460 00:19:37,477 --> 00:19:39,379 (screaming) 461 00:19:39,446 --> 00:19:41,448 * Men. 462 00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:45,752 Now, you listen up, Brittany Pam, 463 00:19:45,818 --> 00:19:47,920 you're my last chance. 464 00:19:47,987 --> 00:19:49,389 You're gonna go to college, 465 00:19:49,456 --> 00:19:51,491 and you're gonna make something of yourself. 466 00:19:51,558 --> 00:19:53,059 No getting knocked up 467 00:19:53,125 --> 00:19:56,496 by some greasy tweeker from Rancho Pacoima. 468 00:19:56,563 --> 00:19:58,231 Oh, gee, Mom, about that. 469 00:19:58,298 --> 00:20:00,533 I've-I've kind of been counting back the weeks, 470 00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:02,935 and Ronald can't be the daddy. 471 00:20:03,002 --> 00:20:04,271 What? 472 00:20:04,337 --> 00:20:08,308 Yeah. See, he was in a burn unit at the time. 473 00:20:08,375 --> 00:20:12,845 He wanted to, but his skin just kept sliding off. 474 00:20:12,912 --> 00:20:14,080 Oh, God. 475 00:20:14,146 --> 00:20:16,683 Here comes the corn dog. 476 00:20:16,749 --> 00:20:18,785 So... so, who is the father? 477 00:20:18,851 --> 00:20:19,986 Well, I got it narrowed down. 478 00:20:20,052 --> 00:20:21,688 Hmm. Dear Lord. 479 00:20:21,754 --> 00:20:25,725 I'll know for sure if she starts speaking Spanish. 480 00:20:28,261 --> 00:20:30,730 Well, we just shut down Ronald for $5,000. 481 00:20:30,797 --> 00:20:32,332 "We"? 482 00:20:32,399 --> 00:20:34,901 You were hiding behind the car, pulling off your wet undies. 483 00:20:37,737 --> 00:20:38,938 Oh, make yourself comfortable. 484 00:20:39,005 --> 00:20:40,840 The doctor will be right in. 485 00:20:40,907 --> 00:20:42,675 (moaning) 486 00:20:42,742 --> 00:20:44,811 Come on, freako. 487 00:20:45,978 --> 00:20:47,914 You are absolutely radiant. 488 00:20:50,016 --> 00:20:50,883 Best of luck. 489 00:20:52,218 --> 00:20:54,020 Thanks. Sorry about your couch. 490 00:20:55,355 --> 00:20:57,790 Good news, honey: I got you $4,000.