1 00:00:02,703 --> 00:00:04,405 Here we are. 2 00:00:04,472 --> 00:00:05,406 Be it ever so humble. 3 00:00:05,473 --> 00:00:08,309 Wow, this is some house. 4 00:00:08,376 --> 00:00:11,212 If you ever decide to sell, I want the listing. 5 00:00:11,279 --> 00:00:13,614 Well, you'd have to kill my mom for it, so... 6 00:00:13,681 --> 00:00:15,649 sure. 7 00:00:17,718 --> 00:00:19,387 Can I make you a drink? 8 00:00:19,453 --> 00:00:21,955 Charlie, we both know I'm gonna sleep with you. 9 00:00:22,022 --> 00:00:25,193 You don't have to liquor me up. 10 00:00:25,259 --> 00:00:26,694 Hey, I've been doing this a long time. 11 00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:28,296 Trust me, you'll want a drink. 12 00:00:30,531 --> 00:00:32,166 Oh, hey. 13 00:00:32,233 --> 00:00:33,401 I didn't know you guys were home. 14 00:00:33,467 --> 00:00:35,002 Lydia, this is my brother Alan. 15 00:00:35,069 --> 00:00:36,170 Alan, hi. 16 00:00:36,237 --> 00:00:37,305 Hi. 17 00:00:37,371 --> 00:00:39,473 So sorry to hear about your troubles. 18 00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:41,008 Troubles? What troubles? 19 00:00:41,075 --> 00:00:42,343 Oh, maybe I have it wrong. 20 00:00:42,410 --> 00:00:44,445 Charlie, didn't you tell me he was divorced, 21 00:00:44,512 --> 00:00:46,314 broke and living on your couch? 22 00:00:50,818 --> 00:00:53,987 I don't know what she's talking about. 23 00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:56,257 Well, I am going through a bit of a rough patch, 24 00:00:56,324 --> 00:00:58,326 but I try not to think about it too much. 25 00:00:58,392 --> 00:01:00,027 Good for you. 26 00:01:00,094 --> 00:01:02,196 I'd be suicidal. 27 00:01:03,564 --> 00:01:05,466 You hear that? You have options. 28 00:01:06,734 --> 00:01:09,437 Anyway, this is my nephew Jake. 29 00:01:09,503 --> 00:01:10,704 Hello, Jake. Hi. 30 00:01:10,771 --> 00:01:11,572 So, what grade are you in? 31 00:01:11,639 --> 00:01:13,407 Seventh. 32 00:01:13,474 --> 00:01:16,277 Well, don't you worry when the other kids make fun of you. 33 00:01:16,344 --> 00:01:18,512 You'll show 'em someday. 34 00:01:18,579 --> 00:01:21,382 Nobody makes fun of me. 35 00:01:21,449 --> 00:01:23,351 You're kidding? 36 00:01:23,417 --> 00:01:25,753 Why would anyone make fun of me? 37 00:01:25,819 --> 00:01:28,522 And this is my housekeeper Berta. 38 00:01:28,589 --> 00:01:29,757 Berta, Lydia. 39 00:01:29,823 --> 00:01:33,261 Choose your words carefully, Slim. 40 00:01:33,327 --> 00:01:35,129 Slim? 41 00:01:35,196 --> 00:01:36,464 Why, thank you. 42 00:01:36,530 --> 00:01:38,065 I watch what I eat. 43 00:01:38,132 --> 00:01:40,668 Going in or coming out? 44 00:01:47,175 --> 00:01:50,244 Hey, why don't we forget the drinks, and go out 45 00:01:50,311 --> 00:01:51,745 on the deck and enjoy the sunset? 46 00:01:51,812 --> 00:01:55,249 All right. Well, it was so nice to meet all of you. 47 00:01:55,316 --> 00:01:57,185 Uh-huh. Yeah. Sure. 48 00:01:58,752 --> 00:02:00,521 You didn't have to be so rude. 49 00:02:04,892 --> 00:02:08,496 You said they were laughing with me. 50 00:02:08,562 --> 00:02:12,233 Hey, I got my own problems. 51 00:02:12,300 --> 00:02:15,203 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 52 00:02:15,269 --> 00:02:18,372 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh 53 00:02:18,439 --> 00:02:21,509 * Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh 54 00:02:21,575 --> 00:02:23,411 * Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... * 55 00:02:23,477 --> 00:02:26,214 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 56 00:02:26,280 --> 00:02:29,283 * Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 57 00:02:29,350 --> 00:02:33,654 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 58 00:02:41,529 --> 00:02:44,865 No need to thank me. 59 00:02:44,932 --> 00:02:48,436 I wasn't going to. 60 00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:50,204 Excuse me? 61 00:02:50,271 --> 00:02:51,872 I mean, it was very nice, 62 00:02:51,939 --> 00:02:54,342 it's just if I'd known you were gonna camp down there 63 00:02:54,408 --> 00:02:56,544 I would've given you a lantern and some marshmallows. 64 00:02:59,380 --> 00:03:00,881 Hey, I was just trying to be thorough. 65 00:03:00,948 --> 00:03:02,350 You were showing off. 66 00:03:02,416 --> 00:03:04,184 No, no, if I were showing off 67 00:03:04,252 --> 00:03:06,654 I'd have done it with no hands. 68 00:03:06,720 --> 00:03:09,156 So I can expect this kind of effort 69 00:03:09,223 --> 00:03:10,724 every time we get in bed? 70 00:03:10,791 --> 00:03:14,828 Well, maybe not during flu season. 71 00:03:14,895 --> 00:03:16,830 And it's important to have variety. 72 00:03:16,897 --> 00:03:19,166 I'm not always gonna swing for the long ball, 73 00:03:19,233 --> 00:03:21,302 every once in a while I'll lay down a bunt, 74 00:03:21,369 --> 00:03:24,605 and how did you manage to turn this into a bad thing? 75 00:03:24,672 --> 00:03:26,774 It's not a bad thing. 76 00:03:26,840 --> 00:03:28,709 Thank you. 77 00:03:28,776 --> 00:03:31,211 Which is not to say if you were open to suggestion 78 00:03:31,279 --> 00:03:32,179 it couldn't be better. 79 00:03:32,246 --> 00:03:33,347 Oh, really? 80 00:03:33,414 --> 00:03:34,882 And how could it have been better? 81 00:03:34,948 --> 00:03:37,918 Ooh, looks like I pushed a button. 82 00:03:37,985 --> 00:03:40,621 Yeah, well, it looks like I didn't. 83 00:03:40,688 --> 00:03:42,923 Charlie... 84 00:03:42,990 --> 00:03:46,193 you can push an elevator button a hundred times, 85 00:03:46,260 --> 00:03:49,630 it still won't come any faster. 86 00:03:50,664 --> 00:03:52,165 Fine. 87 00:03:52,232 --> 00:03:54,201 Maybe next time I'll take the stairs. 88 00:03:54,268 --> 00:03:56,870 Oh, come on... 89 00:03:56,937 --> 00:04:00,374 don't be like that. 90 00:04:00,441 --> 00:04:03,644 You were magnificent. 91 00:04:03,711 --> 00:04:06,179 Astonishing. 92 00:04:06,246 --> 00:04:10,351 You've ruined me for other men. 93 00:04:10,418 --> 00:04:13,287 There, was that so hard? 94 00:04:13,354 --> 00:04:15,956 You boys and your little egos. 95 00:04:16,023 --> 00:04:17,358 Okay, okay, stop. 96 00:04:17,425 --> 00:04:19,226 In this bed, we don't say "boys" 97 00:04:19,293 --> 00:04:20,260 and we don't say "little." 98 00:04:20,328 --> 00:04:22,963 Fine. 99 00:04:23,030 --> 00:04:24,598 You want me to try again? 100 00:04:24,665 --> 00:04:27,668 No, I'm a bit chafed. 101 00:04:27,735 --> 00:04:30,304 Let's make the next few minutes about pleasing you. 102 00:04:30,371 --> 00:04:32,640 A few minutes? That's all I get? 103 00:04:32,706 --> 00:04:33,841 Trust me, darling, 104 00:04:33,907 --> 00:04:36,410 with me, that's all you can handle. 105 00:04:38,912 --> 00:04:41,349 * Men... 106 00:04:41,415 --> 00:04:43,384 (TV playing) 107 00:04:43,451 --> 00:04:45,252 Hey, Dad? Yeah? 108 00:04:45,319 --> 00:04:47,421 Do you like Uncle Charlie's new girlfriend? 109 00:04:47,488 --> 00:04:50,624 Well, I just met her the one time, so... 110 00:04:50,691 --> 00:04:52,593 no, not really. 111 00:04:52,660 --> 00:04:54,662 You know who she reminds me of? 112 00:04:54,728 --> 00:04:56,997 The girls at school who think they rule the world 113 00:04:57,064 --> 00:04:59,567 just 'cause they got their boobs. 114 00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:02,002 Well, I hate to tell you, buddy, 115 00:05:02,069 --> 00:05:04,805 but they kinda do. 116 00:05:04,872 --> 00:05:06,273 I don't get it. 117 00:05:06,340 --> 00:05:08,509 I wouldn't be mean if I had boobs. 118 00:05:08,576 --> 00:05:10,277 That's very admirable. 119 00:05:22,956 --> 00:05:24,257 (girly voice): Hi there. 120 00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:27,495 I like you very much. 121 00:05:27,561 --> 00:05:29,697 Please don't do that. 122 00:05:29,763 --> 00:05:33,300 Do what? I'm just being nice. 123 00:05:33,367 --> 00:05:35,002 I'm serious. Cut it out. 124 00:05:36,970 --> 00:05:37,838 Hey. 125 00:05:37,905 --> 00:05:39,006 Hey. 126 00:05:39,072 --> 00:05:42,843 (girly voice): Hello, big boy. 127 00:05:45,345 --> 00:05:47,615 You really need to get him into a sport. 128 00:05:49,082 --> 00:05:52,786 I'll need a sports bra. 129 00:05:52,853 --> 00:05:56,056 I said quit it. 130 00:05:56,123 --> 00:05:57,825 What are you watching? 131 00:05:57,891 --> 00:06:00,060 I don't know, some Disney crap. 132 00:06:02,062 --> 00:06:03,531 Where's your girlfriend? 133 00:06:03,597 --> 00:06:06,033 Hey, my boob! 134 00:06:08,402 --> 00:06:10,303 She had to go pick up her kids. 135 00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:12,673 Probably from therapy. 136 00:06:12,740 --> 00:06:13,907 What's that supposed to mean? 137 00:06:13,974 --> 00:06:14,942 We don't like her. 138 00:06:15,008 --> 00:06:16,810 Who's "we"? 139 00:06:16,877 --> 00:06:18,311 Me and Dad. 140 00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:20,581 No, no, I d... uh... 141 00:06:20,648 --> 00:06:21,882 That's, that's not... 142 00:06:21,949 --> 00:06:24,351 I mean, she seems really... 143 00:06:24,418 --> 00:06:26,019 No, we don't like her. 144 00:06:27,655 --> 00:06:29,389 All right, she might be a bit outspoken, 145 00:06:29,457 --> 00:06:31,425 but I happen to find that very attractive. 146 00:06:31,492 --> 00:06:35,563 She must be dynamite in the sack. 147 00:06:38,065 --> 00:06:39,767 Where do you get this stuff from? 148 00:06:39,833 --> 00:06:42,736 Cinemax. 149 00:06:42,803 --> 00:06:46,874 Well, not that my sex life is any of your business... 150 00:06:46,940 --> 00:06:48,108 It's not his business. 151 00:06:48,175 --> 00:06:49,743 It's nobody's business. 152 00:06:49,810 --> 00:06:52,112 So, what does she do for a living? 153 00:06:52,179 --> 00:06:56,049 Besides being a stone cold bee-yatch. 154 00:06:58,418 --> 00:07:00,788 HBO. 155 00:07:04,057 --> 00:07:05,826 She sells real estate. 156 00:07:05,893 --> 00:07:06,994 Oh, like Mom. 157 00:07:07,060 --> 00:07:10,798 No, not like Mom. 158 00:07:10,864 --> 00:07:13,601 Lydia sells high-end homes in Beverly Hills, 159 00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:15,736 and Mom sells high-end homes... 160 00:07:15,803 --> 00:07:17,370 mostly on the beach. 161 00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:19,740 What are you getting so defensive about? 162 00:07:19,807 --> 00:07:21,141 I'm not getting defensive! 163 00:07:21,208 --> 00:07:24,812 Lydia sells homes on the bee-yatch. 164 00:07:31,752 --> 00:07:33,687 All right, all right, that's it. Go to bed. 165 00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:37,725 I wasn't mean before I got my boobs. 166 00:07:45,833 --> 00:07:49,770 Boy, puberty is gonna hit him like a shovel. 167 00:07:51,171 --> 00:07:53,140 * Men... 168 00:07:55,676 --> 00:07:57,811 Good to have you back, Mr. Harper. Thank you, Bobby. 169 00:07:57,878 --> 00:08:00,047 We haven't seen your mother here for quite some time. 170 00:08:00,113 --> 00:08:01,949 Well, maybe you just didn't recognize her. 171 00:08:02,015 --> 00:08:04,585 Like Satan, my mother can take many forms. 172 00:08:04,652 --> 00:08:06,787 (chuckles): Good one. 173 00:08:06,854 --> 00:08:08,822 I'm ready to order. 174 00:08:08,889 --> 00:08:09,990 Of course. 175 00:08:10,057 --> 00:08:11,992 Apologies for the frivolity. 176 00:08:12,059 --> 00:08:13,861 What would you like? 177 00:08:13,927 --> 00:08:15,128 I'll have the seared ahi tuna filet. 178 00:08:15,195 --> 00:08:17,097 Good choice. I want it very rare. 179 00:08:17,164 --> 00:08:20,200 That's how we serve it. I want it red in the middle, not pink. 180 00:08:20,267 --> 00:08:22,770 Shall do. If it's pink, don't even bother bringing it. 181 00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:24,905 Got it. Just give it to someone who doesn't know what rare is. 182 00:08:24,972 --> 00:08:26,506 Of course. You know what? Forget it. 183 00:08:26,574 --> 00:08:29,109 You won't get it right. 184 00:08:29,176 --> 00:08:30,110 Is your salmon fresh? 185 00:08:30,177 --> 00:08:31,979 Flown in today. 186 00:08:32,045 --> 00:08:32,913 What time? 187 00:08:32,980 --> 00:08:34,948 I'll ask the chef. 188 00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:38,018 Many forms. I thought you were joking. 189 00:08:39,953 --> 00:08:41,221 You eat here regularly? 190 00:08:41,288 --> 00:08:43,557 Not anymore. 191 00:08:43,624 --> 00:08:45,593 So, listen, about this weekend. 192 00:08:45,659 --> 00:08:47,060 My ex is going to be out of town, 193 00:08:47,127 --> 00:08:48,729 so I'll have the kids. 194 00:08:48,796 --> 00:08:51,665 Whoa, whoa, whoa, Lydia, no one loves the little ones 195 00:08:51,732 --> 00:08:53,567 more than old Uncle Charlie, 196 00:08:53,634 --> 00:08:55,903 but don't you think it might be a bit soon 197 00:08:55,969 --> 00:08:57,170 for me to meet your kids? 198 00:08:57,237 --> 00:08:59,139 Oh, I don't want you to meet them. 199 00:08:59,206 --> 00:09:00,140 Why not? 200 00:09:00,207 --> 00:09:01,174 Because I'm very careful 201 00:09:01,241 --> 00:09:02,876 about who I expose them to. 202 00:09:02,943 --> 00:09:04,712 What's that supposed to mean? Charlie, please. 203 00:09:04,778 --> 00:09:07,247 Why can't I expose myself to your kids? 204 00:09:07,314 --> 00:09:10,150 I mean, why can't I meet your kids? 205 00:09:10,217 --> 00:09:12,586 Please don't make me hurt your feelings. 206 00:09:12,653 --> 00:09:14,655 You can't hurt my feelings. 207 00:09:14,722 --> 00:09:17,190 All right, fine. 208 00:09:17,257 --> 00:09:18,992 You're a professional boy toy, 209 00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:21,161 a perpetual adolescent leading a dissolute life. 210 00:09:21,228 --> 00:09:23,030 You may have your uses, 211 00:09:23,096 --> 00:09:26,133 but you're not the kind of man I want around my children. 212 00:09:26,199 --> 00:09:28,135 Oh. 213 00:09:28,201 --> 00:09:31,138 What made you think that would hurt my feelings? 214 00:09:31,204 --> 00:09:32,906 2:00. Jet Blue from Vancouver. 215 00:09:32,973 --> 00:09:35,108 Would you like me to find out what the movie was? 216 00:09:35,175 --> 00:09:37,678 Don't bother, I'll just have the capellini. 217 00:09:39,146 --> 00:09:42,215 And I'll have the pork chop with a baked potato. 218 00:09:42,282 --> 00:09:45,118 How about a little angioplasty for dessert? 219 00:09:45,185 --> 00:09:47,187 Hey, I like a nice pork chop once in a while. 220 00:09:47,254 --> 00:09:49,289 Fine, I'm not going to tell you how to eat. 221 00:09:49,356 --> 00:09:50,824 Really? 222 00:09:50,891 --> 00:09:52,960 Even if I chew slowly for your pleasure? 223 00:09:54,762 --> 00:09:55,896 (waiter clears throat) 224 00:09:55,963 --> 00:09:59,667 So, yay or nay on the pork chop? 225 00:09:59,733 --> 00:10:03,837 I'll have the spinach and goat cheese salad. 226 00:10:03,904 --> 00:10:05,205 Good choice. Thank you. 227 00:10:05,272 --> 00:10:06,239 On the food. 228 00:10:09,042 --> 00:10:11,144 * Men... 229 00:10:13,213 --> 00:10:15,983 How many pieces of bacon are you going to eat? 230 00:10:16,049 --> 00:10:17,651 My record's 14. 231 00:10:17,718 --> 00:10:20,287 I barfed, but it still counts. 232 00:10:20,353 --> 00:10:22,589 Do you know what's going to happen 233 00:10:22,656 --> 00:10:24,291 if you continue to eat like this? 234 00:10:24,357 --> 00:10:27,661 Yeah, I'm gonna barf. 235 00:10:28,962 --> 00:10:30,330 Alan, doesn't this poor child 236 00:10:30,397 --> 00:10:31,865 already have enough strikes against him? 237 00:10:31,932 --> 00:10:33,767 He's fine, Mom. 238 00:10:33,834 --> 00:10:36,169 All right, but when Jerry Springer has to knock down a wall 239 00:10:36,236 --> 00:10:38,171 just to get him out of his house, 240 00:10:38,238 --> 00:10:40,307 don't come crying to me. 241 00:10:40,373 --> 00:10:43,176 That wasn't Jerry, that was Dr. Phil. 242 00:10:44,812 --> 00:10:46,146 I'm not saying it wasn't a turn-on, 243 00:10:46,213 --> 00:10:48,281 I just think you need to trim a fingernail. 244 00:10:48,348 --> 00:10:50,283 Oh. Hey, Mom. 245 00:10:50,350 --> 00:10:53,653 Uh, Mom, this is Lydia. Lydia, my mother. 246 00:10:53,721 --> 00:10:55,355 Oh, pleased to meet you. 247 00:10:55,422 --> 00:10:57,725 Likewise. 248 00:11:02,195 --> 00:11:04,932 Boy, I'm glad I stopped coming to work high. 249 00:11:06,099 --> 00:11:08,035 * Men... 250 00:11:12,239 --> 00:11:14,708 I mean, besides my son. 251 00:11:16,877 --> 00:11:18,145 I'm in real estate. 252 00:11:18,211 --> 00:11:20,781 How interesting, so am I. 253 00:11:20,848 --> 00:11:23,016 Oh, yes. Evelyn Harper. 254 00:11:23,083 --> 00:11:25,919 I recognize you from your bus bench ads. 255 00:11:25,986 --> 00:11:29,122 People all over town are sitting on your face. 256 00:11:32,025 --> 00:11:34,194 Well, dear, maybe someday, 257 00:11:34,261 --> 00:11:36,196 if you work hard, people will be sitting 258 00:11:36,263 --> 00:11:38,031 on your face, too. 259 00:11:40,467 --> 00:11:42,369 Thank you. Although when I get to be your age, 260 00:11:42,435 --> 00:11:44,404 I hope I won't be schlepping to open houses 261 00:11:44,471 --> 00:11:45,973 in order to make a buck. 262 00:11:46,039 --> 00:11:47,875 (chuckles) Don't say "schlep," darling. 263 00:11:47,941 --> 00:11:50,811 You're a bit too vanilla to pull it off. 264 00:11:51,979 --> 00:11:53,680 So, Charlie, how long have you 265 00:11:53,747 --> 00:11:55,849 been seeing this lovely woman? 266 00:11:55,916 --> 00:11:59,386 Uh... how long has it been, sweetie? 267 00:11:59,452 --> 00:12:01,088 Are you telling me you don't remember when we met? 268 00:12:01,154 --> 00:12:03,056 The way he drinks? 269 00:12:03,123 --> 00:12:06,426 There's a good chance he doesn't remember coming down the stairs. 270 00:12:06,493 --> 00:12:08,028 Did his father drink? 271 00:12:08,095 --> 00:12:11,164 What choice did he have? 272 00:12:11,231 --> 00:12:13,000 Charlie, don't be snide. 273 00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:15,235 And stand up straight. 274 00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:18,872 This is so weird. 275 00:12:18,939 --> 00:12:20,340 EVELYN: Well, I really must run. 276 00:12:20,407 --> 00:12:23,143 Oh, me, too-- can I walk you out? Oh, how nice. 277 00:12:23,210 --> 00:12:24,812 Are you sure you don't want to stay 278 00:12:24,878 --> 00:12:27,014 and finish putting on your makeup? 279 00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:29,382 That's okay, I'm done. 280 00:12:29,449 --> 00:12:31,084 Would you like to borrow some? 281 00:12:31,151 --> 00:12:33,320 No, thanks, I'm allergic to the drugstore brands. 282 00:12:44,397 --> 00:12:46,266 What? 283 00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:50,370 And they call you slow. 284 00:12:50,437 --> 00:12:51,972 You're kidding, right? 285 00:12:52,039 --> 00:12:53,340 You don't see it? 286 00:12:53,406 --> 00:12:54,341 See what? 287 00:12:54,407 --> 00:12:55,242 Lydia and Mom. 288 00:12:55,308 --> 00:12:56,409 What about them? 289 00:12:56,476 --> 00:12:58,278 Come on, Charlie. The only difference 290 00:12:58,345 --> 00:13:01,949 between those two broads is you came out of one and you're... 291 00:13:02,015 --> 00:13:02,983 CHARLIE: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 292 00:13:03,050 --> 00:13:05,085 Hold on, hold on. 293 00:13:10,790 --> 00:13:13,126 You think Lydia's like Mom? 294 00:13:13,193 --> 00:13:15,395 No. We think Lydia is Mom. 295 00:13:15,462 --> 00:13:19,466 Okay, okay, you guys are nuts. 296 00:13:19,532 --> 00:13:22,435 And this conversation is over. 297 00:13:24,304 --> 00:13:26,406 Who calls me slow? 298 00:13:29,176 --> 00:13:31,244 * Men... 299 00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:33,346 And I'll tell you another thing. 300 00:13:33,413 --> 00:13:36,083 There's a lot of women in this town who work in real estate. 301 00:13:36,149 --> 00:13:37,885 I thought this conversation was over. 302 00:13:37,951 --> 00:13:40,087 They all wear the suits and the designer bags. 303 00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:41,321 It's like a uniform. 304 00:13:41,388 --> 00:13:43,456 They could be firemen. 305 00:13:43,523 --> 00:13:46,059 And Mom's Lexus is a two-door, 306 00:13:46,126 --> 00:13:48,061 while Lydia's Lexus is a four-door. 307 00:13:48,128 --> 00:13:49,296 Worlds apart. 308 00:13:49,362 --> 00:13:51,064 It is worlds apart. 309 00:13:51,131 --> 00:13:53,033 The two-door is a selfish car. 310 00:13:53,100 --> 00:13:55,202 The four-door is a family car. 311 00:13:55,268 --> 00:13:57,170 And you know why Lydia has a family car? 312 00:13:57,237 --> 00:13:58,471 Because Lydia has children. 313 00:13:58,538 --> 00:14:01,174 Unlike our mother. 314 00:14:02,275 --> 00:14:03,443 Shut up. 315 00:14:03,510 --> 00:14:05,512 Charlie, it's okay. 316 00:14:05,578 --> 00:14:07,414 You've been working out your maternal issues 317 00:14:07,480 --> 00:14:09,382 by having sex with other women your entire life. 318 00:14:09,449 --> 00:14:12,185 All you're doing now is cutting out the middle man. 319 00:14:12,252 --> 00:14:14,421 Oh, that is just sick. 320 00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:18,959 My point exactly. 321 00:14:19,026 --> 00:14:21,061 (muttering): Stupid idiot. 322 00:14:22,495 --> 00:14:24,831 You're just jealous. 323 00:14:24,898 --> 00:14:30,370 Lydia's smart, funny, and sexy, way sexier than Mom. 324 00:14:30,437 --> 00:14:32,005 Not that I think Mom is sexy. 325 00:14:32,072 --> 00:14:34,874 New thought, new thought, new thought. 326 00:14:34,942 --> 00:14:36,543 Oh, Charlie. 327 00:14:36,609 --> 00:14:39,346 If you could get rid of disturbing thoughts that easily, 328 00:14:39,412 --> 00:14:43,150 I wouldn't be making a quilt out of your old underwear. 329 00:14:43,216 --> 00:14:45,352 Hi, Rose. 330 00:14:45,418 --> 00:14:48,321 I brought you a little gift. 331 00:14:48,388 --> 00:14:50,290 OedipusRex? 332 00:14:50,357 --> 00:14:52,159 It's about a guy who sleeps with his mother 333 00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:53,360 and then pokes his eyes out. 334 00:14:53,426 --> 00:14:54,827 I'm giving away the ending, 335 00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:56,429 because I'm afraid you might be blind 336 00:14:56,496 --> 00:14:58,431 by the time you get to it. 337 00:14:58,498 --> 00:14:59,832 Where do you get this stuff? 338 00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:01,368 You've never even seen Lydia. 339 00:15:01,434 --> 00:15:04,471 No, you've never seen me see her. 340 00:15:04,537 --> 00:15:07,040 Lydia is nothing like my mother. 341 00:15:07,107 --> 00:15:08,575 Why would I get involved with a woman 342 00:15:08,641 --> 00:15:11,078 who even slightly resembles the monster who bore me? 343 00:15:11,144 --> 00:15:15,348 (chuckling): Oh, are you going to love this book. 344 00:15:16,449 --> 00:15:18,118 (sighing): Here. 345 00:15:18,185 --> 00:15:19,886 Mom wants to talk to you. 346 00:15:19,953 --> 00:15:21,554 Oh, great. 347 00:15:21,621 --> 00:15:23,223 Hi, Mom. 348 00:15:23,290 --> 00:15:25,092 Oh, Lydia. 349 00:15:25,158 --> 00:15:26,426 (softly): Very funny. 350 00:15:26,493 --> 00:15:27,860 I thought so. 351 00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:30,030 I liked it. (chuckles) 352 00:15:30,097 --> 00:15:31,464 So what's up? 353 00:15:31,531 --> 00:15:33,200 Are you still coming over tomorrow? 354 00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:36,069 I thought your ex had the kids. 355 00:15:36,136 --> 00:15:39,372 Okay, well, why don't you bring them over? 356 00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:43,243 Oh, please, how could I possibly embarrass you? 357 00:15:43,310 --> 00:15:46,413 No, no, no, no, no, no, I only do that when I'm drunk. 358 00:15:48,281 --> 00:15:51,884 Look, I swear, I'll be on my best behavior. 359 00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:54,287 Great. I'll see you then, Mom... 360 00:15:54,354 --> 00:15:55,989 of the year! 361 00:15:57,390 --> 00:15:59,426 Well, in my book you are. 362 00:16:01,128 --> 00:16:03,630 One word, and everybody gets their eyes poked out. 363 00:16:05,398 --> 00:16:07,567 * Men... 364 00:16:07,634 --> 00:16:10,337 Why do I have to play with kids I don't know? 365 00:16:10,403 --> 00:16:12,339 Because Lydia's bringing them over, 366 00:16:12,405 --> 00:16:16,209 and I didn't have time to rent a clown. 367 00:16:16,276 --> 00:16:17,644 Are they boys or girls? 368 00:16:17,710 --> 00:16:19,446 Beats me. 369 00:16:19,512 --> 00:16:21,048 How old are they? 370 00:16:21,114 --> 00:16:22,349 Not a clue. 371 00:16:22,415 --> 00:16:24,584 Sounds like fun. 372 00:16:24,651 --> 00:16:26,119 Hey, they're kids, you're a kid. 373 00:16:26,186 --> 00:16:27,520 How tough could it be? 374 00:16:27,587 --> 00:16:30,290 I mean, we're not breeding pandas here. 375 00:16:31,524 --> 00:16:34,161 All right, but if they're boys, 376 00:16:34,227 --> 00:16:35,528 just don't call them "little dudes," okay? 377 00:16:35,595 --> 00:16:36,996 Why not? 378 00:16:37,064 --> 00:16:38,931 There was this guy Mom used to date, 379 00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:41,334 and every time he'd see me, he'd call me "little dude." 380 00:16:41,401 --> 00:16:43,002 He was an idiot. 381 00:16:44,204 --> 00:16:46,439 Okay, okay, that's good stuff. 382 00:16:46,506 --> 00:16:47,674 What else you got? 383 00:16:47,740 --> 00:16:49,342 No lame magic tricks, no head rubbing, 384 00:16:49,409 --> 00:16:51,078 and please, no high fives. 385 00:16:51,144 --> 00:16:52,445 Got it. 386 00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:54,381 And don't ask, "Who wants ice cream?" 387 00:16:54,447 --> 00:16:56,083 Everybody wants ice cream. 388 00:16:56,149 --> 00:16:57,417 I understand. 389 00:16:57,484 --> 00:16:59,719 Even lactose-intolerant kids want ice cream. 390 00:16:59,786 --> 00:17:01,554 Makes sense. 391 00:17:01,621 --> 00:17:03,623 But whatever you do, don't try to pretend you're 392 00:17:03,690 --> 00:17:05,258 not sleeping with their mom. We're not stupid. 393 00:17:06,726 --> 00:17:09,662 So if I do this stuff, her kids will like me? 394 00:17:09,729 --> 00:17:11,364 No. Why not? 395 00:17:11,431 --> 00:17:13,300 You're doing their mom. 396 00:17:15,735 --> 00:17:17,504 (doorbell rings) 397 00:17:20,073 --> 00:17:21,374 Hello, Lydia. 398 00:17:21,441 --> 00:17:23,476 Hey, little dudes, give me five. 399 00:17:26,646 --> 00:17:28,115 (chuckling): All right. 400 00:17:28,181 --> 00:17:30,183 That's what I'm talking about. 401 00:17:30,250 --> 00:17:34,354 (softly): Don't worry, he's not the one I'm dating. 402 00:17:34,421 --> 00:17:36,523 There they are. Welcome. 403 00:17:36,589 --> 00:17:37,757 Hello, Charlie. 404 00:17:37,824 --> 00:17:39,526 These are my sons, Andy and Joey. 405 00:17:39,592 --> 00:17:40,560 Nice to meet you guys. 406 00:17:40,627 --> 00:17:41,761 (coughing): Wrong. 407 00:17:45,465 --> 00:17:47,500 Shake hands with him, darlings. 408 00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:49,068 Hi. 409 00:17:49,136 --> 00:17:50,103 Hey. 410 00:17:50,170 --> 00:17:51,271 (scoffs) Not like that. 411 00:17:51,338 --> 00:17:53,039 Shake hands like a man. I am! 412 00:17:54,307 --> 00:17:56,143 Do you always have to embarrass me? 413 00:17:56,209 --> 00:17:57,777 (laughs) 414 00:17:57,844 --> 00:17:59,045 What are you laughing at? 415 00:17:59,112 --> 00:18:01,047 You're no prize, either. 416 00:18:07,820 --> 00:18:09,389 Oh. 417 00:18:11,524 --> 00:18:12,392 What? 418 00:18:12,459 --> 00:18:14,327 Nothing. 419 00:18:14,394 --> 00:18:16,062 Excuse me. 420 00:18:32,812 --> 00:18:36,416 (Charlie screaming) 421 00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:46,593 Hey, who wants ice cream? 422 00:18:48,795 --> 00:18:50,830 * Men... 423 00:18:55,335 --> 00:18:58,605 You don't want to turn into a big tub of goo like your father. 424 00:18:58,671 --> 00:19:01,274 And those are expensive new shirts. 425 00:19:01,341 --> 00:19:04,611 If you stain them, don't even bother coming back. 426 00:19:12,419 --> 00:19:14,187 What now? 427 00:19:14,254 --> 00:19:16,323 Oh. Nothing, nothing. 428 00:19:16,389 --> 00:19:18,691 I was just thinking about mothers 429 00:19:18,758 --> 00:19:23,796 and kids and crying. 430 00:19:23,863 --> 00:19:27,334 So much crying. 431 00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:29,736 Well, what do you think of my boys? 432 00:19:29,802 --> 00:19:31,538 Oh, they're-they're terrific. 433 00:19:31,604 --> 00:19:36,243 And the way you interact with them is so... unbelievable. 434 00:19:36,309 --> 00:19:37,844 Thank you. 435 00:19:37,910 --> 00:19:39,779 The older one has a chance. 436 00:19:39,846 --> 00:19:42,114 The younger one, I'm afraid, is a lost cause. 437 00:19:43,816 --> 00:19:45,151 Anyway, 438 00:19:45,218 --> 00:19:47,153 we have the house to ourselves. 439 00:19:47,220 --> 00:19:49,822 Do you feel like going upstairs? 440 00:19:49,889 --> 00:19:54,261 Uh, yeah, that's a, uh, interesting idea. 441 00:19:54,327 --> 00:19:56,263 What's the matter, Charlie? 442 00:19:56,329 --> 00:19:58,565 It's kind of hard to explain. 443 00:19:58,631 --> 00:20:01,701 Well, why don't we go get naked 444 00:20:01,768 --> 00:20:04,671 and see if that loosens your tongue? 445 00:20:07,474 --> 00:20:11,278 I got my nails done. 446 00:20:14,481 --> 00:20:15,448 Oh, why not? 447 00:20:15,515 --> 00:20:18,485 I'm going to hell, anyway.