1 00:00:03,204 --> 00:00:05,373 you want to go out and grab some dinner? 2 00:00:05,439 --> 00:00:07,441 I can't go out to dinner, Charlie. 3 00:00:07,508 --> 00:00:09,043 Why not? You got a date? 4 00:00:09,110 --> 00:00:10,411 He said, knowing the answer, 5 00:00:10,478 --> 00:00:13,013 but asking anyway, just to be polite. 6 00:00:13,081 --> 00:00:15,483 No, I don't have a date, he replied, all the while thinking, 7 00:00:15,549 --> 00:00:18,119 "Bite me, you booze-addled buffoon." 8 00:00:18,186 --> 00:00:20,554 So why can't you go? 9 00:00:20,621 --> 00:00:22,223 Are you kidding? 10 00:00:22,290 --> 00:00:24,292 I'm paying alimony to two women. 11 00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:26,527 I don't have money for luxuries like eating out. 12 00:00:26,594 --> 00:00:29,263 Or eating in, really. 13 00:00:29,330 --> 00:00:31,665 I'm trying to learn to chew my own cud. 14 00:00:31,732 --> 00:00:33,567 It's all right, I'll treat. 15 00:00:33,634 --> 00:00:35,503 No, no, no, you've done too much for me already. 16 00:00:35,569 --> 00:00:39,340 Yeah, but it's not like I'm keeping a tab... $26,382. 17 00:00:41,142 --> 00:00:43,144 To date. 18 00:00:43,211 --> 00:00:46,614 Exactly, so I need to start carrying my own weight, 19 00:00:46,680 --> 00:00:50,251 which is actually getting easier now that I'm wasting away. 20 00:00:50,318 --> 00:00:52,453 Oh, stop feeling sorry for yourself. 21 00:00:52,520 --> 00:00:53,721 I'm not feeling sorry for myself. 22 00:00:53,787 --> 00:00:55,389 I'll find something here to eat. 23 00:00:55,456 --> 00:00:59,260 Maybe some scrambled eggs and a Popsicle. 24 00:00:59,327 --> 00:01:00,761 Fine. See ya later. 25 00:01:02,463 --> 00:01:04,465 (sighs) 26 00:01:09,137 --> 00:01:11,639 All right, I'm only going to ask you one more time. 27 00:01:11,705 --> 00:01:13,774 Would you like to have dinner with me? 28 00:01:13,841 --> 00:01:15,743 That depends. Where are we going? 29 00:01:15,809 --> 00:01:17,678 Oh, for God's sake! 30 00:01:17,745 --> 00:01:19,380 What, what, I don't even get a vote? 31 00:01:19,447 --> 00:01:21,549 No, you don't get a vote. You get a free meal. 32 00:01:21,615 --> 00:01:24,485 Well, if I was one of your dates, you'd ask where I wanted to go. 33 00:01:25,753 --> 00:01:27,521 You're right. 34 00:01:30,624 --> 00:01:33,427 (sexy voice): So where to do you want to go, baby? 35 00:01:33,494 --> 00:01:34,728 That's uh, that's very funny. 36 00:01:34,795 --> 00:01:36,697 Oh, no, no, let's get something hot in you 37 00:01:36,764 --> 00:01:39,167 and then get something hot in you. 38 00:01:39,233 --> 00:01:41,034 Knock it off. 39 00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:42,636 Gee, you smell good. 40 00:01:42,703 --> 00:01:44,505 You know what, you know what? Okay, okay. 41 00:01:44,572 --> 00:01:46,207 I'll just stay here and have a Popsicle. 42 00:01:46,274 --> 00:01:47,608 Oh, you'll be getting a Popsicle. 43 00:01:47,675 --> 00:01:48,642 Fine, fine, okay. 44 00:01:48,709 --> 00:01:50,178 You pick the restaurant. 45 00:01:50,244 --> 00:01:51,645 Thank you. How about sushi? 46 00:01:51,712 --> 00:01:53,681 Ew, not a big fan. 47 00:01:53,747 --> 00:01:55,483 (doorbell ringing) 48 00:01:55,549 --> 00:01:56,684 Oh, that's Judith. 49 00:01:56,750 --> 00:01:57,718 Keep thinking. 50 00:02:01,189 --> 00:02:02,823 Jake, your mother's here. 51 00:02:05,793 --> 00:02:07,528 Hey, that Popsicle almost... 52 00:02:18,406 --> 00:02:19,507 Hello. 53 00:02:19,573 --> 00:02:21,575 Hi. Yeah, he'll be right out. 54 00:02:21,642 --> 00:02:23,711 Do me a favor and take 'em both. 55 00:02:26,247 --> 00:02:27,615 Hey, Mom. 56 00:02:27,681 --> 00:02:30,083 Hey, honey, would you wait in the car, please? 57 00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:31,785 Who's in trouble-- me or Dad? 58 00:02:31,852 --> 00:02:32,853 No one's in trouble. 59 00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:34,355 It's you. 60 00:02:36,590 --> 00:02:38,592 Judith, if you're going to chew my ass off, 61 00:02:38,659 --> 00:02:39,827 just know, I'm planning on having it 62 00:02:39,893 --> 00:02:41,695 for breakfast tomorrow. 63 00:02:41,762 --> 00:02:44,798 No, you didn't do anything, Alan. 64 00:02:44,865 --> 00:02:46,467 I just, um... 65 00:02:46,534 --> 00:02:48,636 I wanted to let you know that, uh... 66 00:02:48,702 --> 00:02:50,504 Boy, this is awkward. 67 00:02:50,571 --> 00:02:52,773 You remember that I was dating Jake's pediatrician? 68 00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:55,409 Yeah, yeah, Melnick. What about him? 69 00:02:55,476 --> 00:02:57,411 Well, we started seeing each other again, 70 00:02:57,478 --> 00:02:58,812 and it's gotten serious. 71 00:02:58,879 --> 00:03:00,781 Oh. How serious? 72 00:03:00,848 --> 00:03:04,418 He asked me to marry him, and I said yes. 73 00:03:04,485 --> 00:03:08,522 Oh. Wow. 74 00:03:08,589 --> 00:03:11,425 I... I don't know what to say. 75 00:03:11,492 --> 00:03:13,327 Um, I guess congratulations. 76 00:03:13,394 --> 00:03:14,795 Thank you. 77 00:03:14,862 --> 00:03:16,630 Just wanted to let you know before we told Jake. 78 00:03:16,697 --> 00:03:19,233 Sure, sure, I appreciate it. 79 00:03:19,300 --> 00:03:20,634 It's kind of weird, isn't it? 80 00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:22,703 I mean, we spent so many years together. 81 00:03:22,770 --> 00:03:25,273 It's hard for me to think of you married to somebody else. 82 00:03:25,339 --> 00:03:26,807 Yeah. 83 00:03:30,811 --> 00:03:32,212 Still, I wish you the best, though. 84 00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:33,581 Oh, I know you do. 85 00:03:33,647 --> 00:03:34,748 Thank you. 86 00:03:36,350 --> 00:03:37,585 Well, bye. 87 00:03:37,651 --> 00:03:38,652 Bye. 88 00:03:48,228 --> 00:03:50,264 Five, six, seven, eight... 89 00:03:50,331 --> 00:03:53,401 * No more alimony, no more alimony * 90 00:03:53,467 --> 00:03:57,371 * No more alimony, no more alimony... * 91 00:03:57,438 --> 00:04:00,341 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 92 00:04:00,408 --> 00:04:03,777 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh 93 00:04:03,844 --> 00:04:06,714 * Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh 94 00:04:06,780 --> 00:04:08,816 * Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... * 95 00:04:08,882 --> 00:04:11,419 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 96 00:04:11,485 --> 00:04:14,522 * Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 97 00:04:14,588 --> 00:04:18,892 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 98 00:04:27,701 --> 00:04:30,371 You mean besides eating it with you? 99 00:04:30,438 --> 00:04:33,374 It's all fleshy and flappy and wet. 100 00:04:33,441 --> 00:04:35,876 Feels unnatural against my tongue. 101 00:04:35,943 --> 00:04:37,545 Al... What? 102 00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:39,747 I think I know why your marriages didn't work out. 103 00:04:41,349 --> 00:04:43,317 Oh, stop it. 104 00:04:43,384 --> 00:04:45,586 Now, speaking of marriages, 105 00:04:45,653 --> 00:04:47,254 the next time we go out to dinner, 106 00:04:47,321 --> 00:04:48,589 it'll be on me, 107 00:04:48,656 --> 00:04:50,758 because with Judith getting married again... 108 00:04:50,824 --> 00:04:52,793 I'll have... 109 00:04:52,860 --> 00:04:54,562 (monotone): Five, six, seven, eight... 110 00:04:54,628 --> 00:04:56,964 * No more alimony, No more alimony * 111 00:04:57,030 --> 00:04:59,833 * No more alimo... 112 00:04:59,900 --> 00:05:01,669 Hey, Dad. 113 00:05:01,735 --> 00:05:02,970 What are you doing here? 114 00:05:03,036 --> 00:05:04,372 And how'd you get in? 115 00:05:04,438 --> 00:05:05,806 Rose let me in. 116 00:05:05,873 --> 00:05:07,341 Hey, guys. 117 00:05:07,408 --> 00:05:09,510 How was dinner? 118 00:05:09,577 --> 00:05:10,778 Forget dinner. 119 00:05:10,844 --> 00:05:11,679 What are you doing here? 120 00:05:11,745 --> 00:05:13,547 Keeping Jake company. 121 00:05:13,614 --> 00:05:17,317 But if you let him in, you had to have been here before him. 122 00:05:17,385 --> 00:05:19,019 Well, yeah. 123 00:05:19,086 --> 00:05:20,821 But if Jake hadn't shown up, 124 00:05:20,888 --> 00:05:24,324 I'd be gone by now, and you'd never know I was here. 125 00:05:24,392 --> 00:05:26,827 So what, you just waltz in and make yourself at home 126 00:05:26,894 --> 00:05:27,995 whenever I'm out? 127 00:05:28,061 --> 00:05:29,830 That's not true. 128 00:05:29,897 --> 00:05:31,499 Sometimes you're upstairs asleep. 129 00:05:31,565 --> 00:05:32,966 Wait a minute. 130 00:05:33,033 --> 00:05:34,568 Let's go back here. 131 00:05:34,635 --> 00:05:35,703 Jake, why aren't you at your mother's? 132 00:05:35,769 --> 00:05:36,870 I ran away. 133 00:05:36,937 --> 00:05:38,672 Sometimes you're in the shower. 134 00:05:38,739 --> 00:05:41,041 Rose, please. 135 00:05:41,108 --> 00:05:42,576 Why did you run away? 136 00:05:42,643 --> 00:05:44,277 Because I hate it there. 137 00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:47,014 Is this about the upcoming nuptials? 138 00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:49,550 It has nothing to do with puberty, Dad. 139 00:05:50,984 --> 00:05:52,853 It's about Mom getting married. 140 00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:55,989 I thought you liked Dr. Melnick. 141 00:05:56,056 --> 00:05:57,691 That was when they were just dating. 142 00:05:57,758 --> 00:05:59,427 Now he thinks he can tell me what to do. 143 00:05:59,493 --> 00:06:00,894 He's not my father. 144 00:06:00,961 --> 00:06:02,530 You don't do what I tell you to do. 145 00:06:02,596 --> 00:06:05,999 Yeah, but Mom doesn't care about that. 146 00:06:06,066 --> 00:06:08,436 Alan, Alan, can I just interrupt for one sec? 147 00:06:08,502 --> 00:06:09,637 How do you keep getting in? 148 00:06:09,703 --> 00:06:11,071 I've changed the locks three times. 149 00:06:11,138 --> 00:06:14,642 Yes, but you didn't change the locksmith. 150 00:06:16,109 --> 00:06:18,612 I could recommend somebody. 151 00:06:18,679 --> 00:06:20,781 Good night, Rose. 152 00:06:20,848 --> 00:06:23,083 I replace everything I eat. 153 00:06:23,150 --> 00:06:24,485 Good night, Rose. 154 00:06:24,552 --> 00:06:25,786 You know how I do it? 155 00:06:25,853 --> 00:06:28,388 I keep an exact duplicate fridge at my house. 156 00:06:28,456 --> 00:06:29,957 Good night, Rose. 157 00:06:30,023 --> 00:06:32,926 By the way, we're out of Popsicles. 158 00:06:32,993 --> 00:06:35,095 All right, I'm going to call your mother. 159 00:06:35,162 --> 00:06:36,830 She's probably worried sick. 160 00:06:36,897 --> 00:06:39,967 She's probably in the hot tub with Dr. Melnick. 161 00:06:40,033 --> 00:06:42,570 How'd you get here? 162 00:06:42,636 --> 00:06:44,404 Did you steal a car or something? 163 00:06:44,472 --> 00:06:47,107 How can I steal a car? I'm 12. 164 00:06:47,174 --> 00:06:48,876 Oh, kids these days. 165 00:06:48,942 --> 00:06:51,044 No imagination. 166 00:06:51,111 --> 00:06:52,646 I took the bus. 167 00:06:52,713 --> 00:06:54,615 In L.A.? At night? 168 00:06:54,682 --> 00:06:57,485 You'd have been safer stealing a car. 169 00:06:57,551 --> 00:06:59,753 So what's your plan? Where are you headed? 170 00:06:59,820 --> 00:07:01,088 I'm going to stay here. 171 00:07:01,154 --> 00:07:04,492 (chuckling): Oh, you can't stay here. 172 00:07:04,558 --> 00:07:06,426 Why not? 173 00:07:06,494 --> 00:07:08,395 Because you're running away. 174 00:07:08,462 --> 00:07:10,464 "Away," according to the dictionary, 175 00:07:10,531 --> 00:07:11,899 means "not here." 176 00:07:11,965 --> 00:07:13,667 It's usually preceded 177 00:07:13,734 --> 00:07:15,936 by the words, "far, far," 178 00:07:16,003 --> 00:07:17,771 or in your case, "go." 179 00:07:17,838 --> 00:07:21,108 Oh, come on, why can't I live with you guys? 180 00:07:21,174 --> 00:07:23,577 Oh, Jake, do you have any idea how much I have 181 00:07:23,644 --> 00:07:25,713 to clean up my act when you're here on weekends? 182 00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:27,548 What are you talking about? 183 00:07:27,615 --> 00:07:30,050 I see you drink, gamble, you have strange girls sleep over. 184 00:07:30,117 --> 00:07:32,019 Uh-huh, drop in unannounced on a Wednesday, 185 00:07:32,085 --> 00:07:33,821 and you'll be scarred for life. 186 00:07:35,889 --> 00:07:37,858 Well, I hope you're proud of yourself-- your mother's crying. 187 00:07:37,925 --> 00:07:38,959 Good. 188 00:07:39,026 --> 00:07:40,460 Hey! 189 00:07:40,528 --> 00:07:42,062 Don't be mean to your mother. 190 00:07:42,129 --> 00:07:43,130 You're mean to your mother. 191 00:07:43,196 --> 00:07:44,998 My mother can take it. 192 00:07:45,065 --> 00:07:46,834 She actually feeds on it. 193 00:07:48,135 --> 00:07:49,970 Anyway, she wanted me to tell you 194 00:07:50,037 --> 00:07:51,939 that she loves you more than anything 195 00:07:52,005 --> 00:07:53,874 and that she and Dr. Melnick aren't going to get married 196 00:07:53,941 --> 00:07:56,443 until you've had time to adjust to the idea. 197 00:07:56,510 --> 00:07:57,811 Well, then they'll never get married, 198 00:07:57,878 --> 00:08:00,147 'cause I'm never going to adjust to it. 199 00:08:03,116 --> 00:08:04,184 Five, six, seven... 200 00:08:04,251 --> 00:08:06,954 Shut up. 201 00:08:07,020 --> 00:08:09,122 * Men... 202 00:08:09,189 --> 00:08:11,058 You know, I am a little surprised at you. 203 00:08:11,124 --> 00:08:13,026 I would think you would want your mom to be happy. 204 00:08:13,093 --> 00:08:15,195 Hey, she can be happy all she wants. 205 00:08:15,262 --> 00:08:17,998 I just don't need some jerk pretending he's my dad. 206 00:08:18,065 --> 00:08:19,567 Oh, why not? 207 00:08:19,633 --> 00:08:21,935 'Cause I already have a dad. 208 00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:24,104 And he's already a jerk. 209 00:08:24,171 --> 00:08:26,506 All right, buddy. 210 00:08:26,574 --> 00:08:29,777 I'm going to have to tell you something pretty heavy. 211 00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:31,211 But I think it's something 212 00:08:31,278 --> 00:08:34,014 that you're old enough to understand. 213 00:08:34,081 --> 00:08:36,584 You can do better than me. 214 00:08:36,650 --> 00:08:39,186 Way better. 215 00:08:39,252 --> 00:08:42,923 Did you know that I'm not even a real doctor, 216 00:08:42,990 --> 00:08:44,057 but Dr. Melnick is. 217 00:08:44,124 --> 00:08:45,058 So what? 218 00:08:45,125 --> 00:08:46,226 "So what"? Are you kidding? 219 00:08:46,293 --> 00:08:47,928 He makes more money than I do. 220 00:08:47,995 --> 00:08:49,863 He can buy you better presents than I can. 221 00:08:49,930 --> 00:08:51,699 And don't underestimate the value 222 00:08:51,765 --> 00:08:54,001 of having a prescription pad lying around the house. 223 00:08:54,067 --> 00:08:55,035 Charlie. 224 00:08:55,102 --> 00:08:57,470 You know, if someone gets sick. 225 00:08:57,537 --> 00:08:59,106 Or bored. 226 00:08:59,172 --> 00:09:01,909 But I only need one dad. 227 00:09:01,975 --> 00:09:03,243 And you'll only have one dad, 228 00:09:03,310 --> 00:09:04,678 but there's nothing that says 229 00:09:04,745 --> 00:09:06,546 you can't call him "Dad" and me "Alan." 230 00:09:06,614 --> 00:09:09,016 We'll still know who's who. 231 00:09:09,082 --> 00:09:11,151 I'm getting a little misty. 232 00:09:14,187 --> 00:09:16,824 Forget it, I'm never going to like him. 233 00:09:16,890 --> 00:09:19,092 May I suggest you try a more... 234 00:09:19,159 --> 00:09:22,129 shall we say, practical approach? 235 00:09:25,966 --> 00:09:28,969 Jake, how much does your mom give you for allowance? 236 00:09:29,036 --> 00:09:31,138 Ten dollars a week. 237 00:09:31,204 --> 00:09:33,006 Okay... 238 00:09:33,073 --> 00:09:37,144 Uh, I'm going to write down some figures here, 239 00:09:37,210 --> 00:09:39,780 and you tell me to stop when you see a number 240 00:09:39,847 --> 00:09:43,116 that makes you feel a little warmer toward Dr. Melnick. 241 00:09:46,153 --> 00:09:48,021 * Men... 242 00:09:48,088 --> 00:09:49,189 I was so worried about you. 243 00:09:49,256 --> 00:09:51,258 Don't you ever do that again. 244 00:09:51,324 --> 00:09:52,159 Thanks for bringing him back. 245 00:09:52,225 --> 00:09:53,827 No problem. 246 00:09:53,894 --> 00:09:55,595 Jake, isn't there something you want to say? 247 00:09:55,663 --> 00:09:58,065 Yeah. 248 00:09:58,131 --> 00:10:01,001 I love you, Dr. Melnick. 249 00:10:07,708 --> 00:10:09,843 * Men... 250 00:10:13,781 --> 00:10:14,715 You've got school in the morning. 251 00:10:14,782 --> 00:10:16,616 Hang on. 252 00:10:16,684 --> 00:10:17,985 Night, Dad. 253 00:10:18,051 --> 00:10:19,552 See ya, Alan. 254 00:10:20,654 --> 00:10:22,622 Night, buddy. 255 00:10:22,690 --> 00:10:24,925 (chuckling): Boy, he's really warming up to you. 256 00:10:24,992 --> 00:10:26,293 Yeah. Listen. 257 00:10:26,359 --> 00:10:28,595 Have you and Judith ever discussed putting Jake 258 00:10:28,662 --> 00:10:29,830 on any sort of medication? 259 00:10:31,331 --> 00:10:33,934 Why? What do you got? 260 00:10:34,001 --> 00:10:35,068 No, no, we haven't. 261 00:10:35,135 --> 00:10:36,603 Why? 262 00:10:36,670 --> 00:10:38,138 Well, I mean, one minute he hates me, 263 00:10:38,205 --> 00:10:39,907 the next minute he loves me, 264 00:10:39,973 --> 00:10:41,641 and those kinds of mood swings just aren't normal. 265 00:10:41,709 --> 00:10:43,243 Oh, no, no, no, don't worry about that. 266 00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:44,945 That's not an emotional problem. 267 00:10:45,012 --> 00:10:49,016 That's, uh, it's more like, um, uh, kind of... 268 00:10:49,082 --> 00:10:50,684 Charlie? 269 00:10:50,751 --> 00:10:52,285 We paid him to like you. 270 00:10:52,352 --> 00:10:54,154 You what? 271 00:10:54,221 --> 00:10:56,957 And it cost less than you might think. 272 00:10:58,759 --> 00:11:00,360 But that's a good thing. 273 00:11:00,427 --> 00:11:03,130 A bribable child is a controllable child. 274 00:11:03,196 --> 00:11:06,033 Plus, he's not too bright so you can lie to him all you want. 275 00:11:06,099 --> 00:11:07,701 Charlie. Oh, come on. 276 00:11:07,768 --> 00:11:09,169 Until he was ten, 277 00:11:09,236 --> 00:11:11,805 I had him convinced that swizzle sticks were money. 278 00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:17,310 Hey, hey, uh, speaking of swizzle sticks, 279 00:11:17,377 --> 00:11:19,747 have you guys considered eloping to Vegas? 280 00:11:19,813 --> 00:11:21,214 Hmm. No, we haven't... 281 00:11:21,281 --> 00:11:22,916 Now, I know what you're thinking-- tacky, tacky, 282 00:11:22,983 --> 00:11:24,718 but actually it isn't. 283 00:11:24,785 --> 00:11:25,719 It's classy and very romantic. 284 00:11:27,454 --> 00:11:29,757 Yeah, some of the hotel rooms have those big mirrored walls. 285 00:11:29,823 --> 00:11:32,860 It's like watching your ass bob up and down in IMAX. 286 00:11:34,962 --> 00:11:36,764 Huh.... I think actually 287 00:11:36,830 --> 00:11:38,766 we're going to put things on hold for a while. 288 00:11:38,832 --> 00:11:41,234 Why? You love Judith, don't you? 289 00:11:41,301 --> 00:11:42,803 Of course; she's a great woman. 290 00:11:42,870 --> 00:11:44,104 How's the sex? 291 00:11:44,171 --> 00:11:47,140 That's a little personal, isn't it? 292 00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:49,977 Hey, I didn't ask which way you point her. 293 00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:52,780 I just want to make sure you two kids are compatible. 294 00:11:52,846 --> 00:11:55,648 Oh. Well, there's no problem in that area. 295 00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:57,851 See, Alan? It was you. 296 00:12:01,955 --> 00:12:03,323 That's me, 297 00:12:03,390 --> 00:12:04,724 the original one-pump chump. 298 00:12:06,827 --> 00:12:07,861 So I hear. 299 00:12:09,897 --> 00:12:12,900 The thing is, I'm just not sure I'm ready to be a stepfather. 300 00:12:12,966 --> 00:12:14,234 Oh, oh, sure you are. 301 00:12:14,301 --> 00:12:15,969 You'll be terrific, right, Charlie? 302 00:12:16,036 --> 00:12:17,971 Trust us, as long as there's food in the fridge 303 00:12:18,038 --> 00:12:20,974 and money in your wallet, you'll own the little peckerhead. 304 00:12:21,041 --> 00:12:22,675 Poor baby was exhausted. 305 00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:24,812 He fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. 306 00:12:24,878 --> 00:12:26,780 Another plus: sound sleeper. 307 00:12:26,847 --> 00:12:28,181 Yeah, nothing wakes that kid up. 308 00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:30,217 And I've had some real screamers at my place. 309 00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:34,788 It's getting late; I'd like to go to bed. 310 00:12:34,855 --> 00:12:36,156 Why don't you do that. 311 00:12:36,223 --> 00:12:37,724 Listen, fatherhood is no big deal. 312 00:12:37,791 --> 00:12:39,226 Truth is, with the Internet and everything, 313 00:12:39,292 --> 00:12:41,328 they practically raise themselves. 314 00:12:41,394 --> 00:12:42,863 Alan. 315 00:12:42,930 --> 00:12:45,799 You go ahead, honey, I'll be in in a second. 316 00:12:47,434 --> 00:12:49,036 I don't know, I... 317 00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:51,004 I just think I need some time to get used to the idea. 318 00:12:51,071 --> 00:12:52,372 No, no, no, don't think about it. 319 00:12:52,439 --> 00:12:53,874 Parenthood is like skydiving. 320 00:12:53,941 --> 00:12:56,143 You just got to jump out of the ol' plane. 321 00:12:56,209 --> 00:12:58,946 And get sucked into the ol' propeller. 322 00:12:59,012 --> 00:13:01,081 A propeller of love. 323 00:13:01,148 --> 00:13:02,482 Hey, hey, hey, listen. 324 00:13:02,549 --> 00:13:04,217 Why don't we go out and talk about this 325 00:13:04,284 --> 00:13:05,252 over a couple of beers? 326 00:13:05,318 --> 00:13:06,954 Oh, well, thanks. 327 00:13:07,020 --> 00:13:08,488 I really enjoy spending time with you fellows, 328 00:13:08,555 --> 00:13:09,823 but I don't really drink. 329 00:13:09,890 --> 00:13:12,960 That's okay, neither do I. 330 00:13:13,026 --> 00:13:15,863 Well, okay, sure. 331 00:13:15,929 --> 00:13:16,997 I'll just tell Judith I'm leaving. 332 00:13:17,064 --> 00:13:18,131 No, that's okay, I'll tell her. 333 00:13:18,198 --> 00:13:19,266 Judith, we're leaving! 334 00:13:19,332 --> 00:13:21,368 JUDITH: Good! Let's go. 335 00:13:22,903 --> 00:13:24,137 * Men... 336 00:13:25,572 --> 00:13:27,740 My first wife and I tried to have kids, 337 00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:29,442 but it just didn't happen. 338 00:13:29,509 --> 00:13:31,879 And then when she got sick and passed away, 339 00:13:31,945 --> 00:13:33,881 I didn't think I'd ever have a family. 340 00:13:33,947 --> 00:13:35,215 Oh, oh, that's so sad. 341 00:13:35,282 --> 00:13:37,084 Yeah. 342 00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:38,785 Who was shooting blanks, you or her? 343 00:13:39,953 --> 00:13:41,321 Charlie, that doesn't matter. 344 00:13:41,388 --> 00:13:44,824 What matters is he's starting fresh with Judith. 345 00:13:44,892 --> 00:13:47,094 A live woman of proven fertility. 346 00:13:49,429 --> 00:13:53,266 What good does that do if he's packing a starter's pistol? 347 00:13:53,333 --> 00:13:55,002 I'm fine. 348 00:13:55,068 --> 00:13:56,169 You hear that? He's fine. 349 00:13:56,236 --> 00:13:57,905 Jake can have a little brother. 350 00:13:57,971 --> 00:13:59,973 That would be a blessing from heaven, wouldn't it? 351 00:14:00,040 --> 00:14:01,942 Oh, I don't know if I want more kids. 352 00:14:02,009 --> 00:14:03,076 Then wear a condom. 353 00:14:05,045 --> 00:14:07,247 Besides, Jake's used to being an only child. 354 00:14:07,314 --> 00:14:10,984 If there was a new one, he'd probably eat it by mistake. 355 00:14:12,452 --> 00:14:14,922 So, Herb, you haven't touched your beer. 356 00:14:14,988 --> 00:14:17,925 Oh, well, like I said, I'm not much of a drinker. 357 00:14:17,991 --> 00:14:19,159 Then we need a drinking game. 358 00:14:19,226 --> 00:14:20,928 How about this: 359 00:14:20,994 --> 00:14:25,065 each time Alan shoots me a dirty look, we all take a drink. 360 00:14:26,233 --> 00:14:27,334 Oop! Here we go. 361 00:14:30,303 --> 00:14:32,906 * Men... 362 00:14:33,941 --> 00:14:35,943 You guys are great guys. 363 00:14:36,009 --> 00:14:37,444 I love you guys. 364 00:14:37,510 --> 00:14:40,914 You know why? 'Cause you're great. 365 00:14:40,981 --> 00:14:42,882 You know, Herb, I wish more women 366 00:14:42,950 --> 00:14:44,817 held their liquor the way you do. 367 00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:46,553 Thank you. 368 00:14:50,023 --> 00:14:52,025 I would like to propose a toast. 369 00:14:52,092 --> 00:14:53,193 To Jake. 370 00:14:53,260 --> 00:14:54,827 Ah, Jake's great. 371 00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:55,996 And to Judith. 372 00:14:56,063 --> 00:14:57,530 Absolutely. Judith's great, too. 373 00:14:57,597 --> 00:15:00,033 And to your upcoming marriage. 374 00:15:00,100 --> 00:15:01,334 Eh, sure. What the hell. 375 00:15:06,106 --> 00:15:08,175 You know what I never had? 376 00:15:08,241 --> 00:15:10,978 A second beer? 377 00:15:11,044 --> 00:15:13,446 No, no, a bachelor party. 378 00:15:13,513 --> 00:15:16,049 Me, neither, thanks to my brother. 379 00:15:17,017 --> 00:15:18,551 Oop. Bottoms up. 380 00:15:19,619 --> 00:15:22,189 Mm. Hey. 381 00:15:22,255 --> 00:15:24,391 Why don't we make this your bachelor party? 382 00:15:24,457 --> 00:15:27,127 You know, one last big blowout with your friends before you get married. 383 00:15:27,194 --> 00:15:29,029 But my friends aren't here. 384 00:15:29,096 --> 00:15:30,998 What about us? We're your friends. 385 00:15:31,064 --> 00:15:32,365 We wish you well, right, Charlie? 386 00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:36,003 Well. 387 00:15:36,069 --> 00:15:37,570 Oh, come on, what do you say? 388 00:15:37,637 --> 00:15:39,072 I don't know... 389 00:15:39,139 --> 00:15:41,874 I mean, if this is a bachelor party... 390 00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:46,079 wouldn't there be a couple of strippers? 391 00:15:47,180 --> 00:15:48,315 Charlie? 392 00:15:48,381 --> 00:15:51,351 I'm on it. 393 00:15:51,418 --> 00:15:54,187 * Men... 394 00:15:54,254 --> 00:15:57,157 (rock music playing) 395 00:16:03,463 --> 00:16:06,166 He's going to make a great stepdad for Jake. 396 00:16:06,233 --> 00:16:08,001 Yeah, whatever. 397 00:16:08,068 --> 00:16:11,104 And with the alimony I save, I can go out to eat every night... 398 00:16:11,171 --> 00:16:12,539 in restaurants. 399 00:16:12,605 --> 00:16:14,307 And I'm not talking early bird special. 400 00:16:14,374 --> 00:16:18,978 I can eat when it's dark out, with people my own age. 401 00:16:23,716 --> 00:16:25,318 Hey, does your cell phone have video? 402 00:16:25,385 --> 00:16:26,986 Yeah, why? 403 00:16:29,156 --> 00:16:30,490 Observe. 404 00:16:30,557 --> 00:16:32,159 What are you doing? 405 00:16:32,225 --> 00:16:35,528 Just in case he decides to back out of the wedding. 406 00:16:35,595 --> 00:16:37,930 That's blackmail. So? 407 00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:39,632 I like it. 408 00:16:40,733 --> 00:16:43,236 Hey, Herb! 409 00:16:44,671 --> 00:16:46,005 Attaboy. 410 00:16:46,073 --> 00:16:49,476 (softly): You dumb bastard. 411 00:16:49,542 --> 00:16:52,545 (phone rings) 412 00:16:52,612 --> 00:16:55,048 Uh-oh. It's Judith. 413 00:16:55,115 --> 00:16:57,084 Why is she calling me at this hour? 414 00:16:57,150 --> 00:16:59,286 Hello? 415 00:16:59,352 --> 00:17:01,521 Of course it's me-- who were you expecting? 416 00:17:05,092 --> 00:17:08,128 Oh, my God, this is Herb's phone. 417 00:17:16,703 --> 00:17:18,638 Um, uh, Herb is in the bathroom. 418 00:17:18,705 --> 00:17:21,308 Yeah, yeah, we were just having a couple of beers 419 00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:23,476 and getting to know each other. 420 00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:25,345 Well, with all due respect, Judith, 421 00:17:25,412 --> 00:17:29,216 before we got married, I didn't drink, either. 422 00:17:29,282 --> 00:17:32,185 Hey, hey. There is no call for that kind of language. 423 00:17:34,254 --> 00:17:36,523 What? I'm sorry, I-I can't hear you. 424 00:17:36,589 --> 00:17:38,458 Yeah, I-I think this phone 425 00:17:38,525 --> 00:17:42,129 is ...unning out of ...atteries. 426 00:17:42,195 --> 00:17:45,765 I ...aid this ...one is ...unning out of ...atteries. 427 00:17:47,267 --> 00:17:49,102 ...ood-bye, ...udith. 428 00:17:50,603 --> 00:17:52,139 Think she bought it? 429 00:17:52,205 --> 00:17:56,343 If she did, she's ...upider than ...ou. 430 00:17:58,445 --> 00:18:01,281 (softly): Excuse me, fellas. 431 00:18:01,348 --> 00:18:03,450 (slurring): Can either of you cash a check for me? 432 00:18:03,516 --> 00:18:05,118 Why? 433 00:18:05,185 --> 00:18:06,386 I'd like to tip the ladies. 434 00:18:06,453 --> 00:18:07,587 No, no, forget the tip. 435 00:18:07,654 --> 00:18:09,256 We've got to get you home. (scoffs) 436 00:18:09,322 --> 00:18:11,524 Why would I go home when for an extra 300 bucks, 437 00:18:11,591 --> 00:18:14,161 I can go all around the world? 438 00:18:14,227 --> 00:18:16,129 He's got a point, Alan. 439 00:18:16,196 --> 00:18:18,331 Herb, listen to me. 440 00:18:18,398 --> 00:18:20,167 Your fiancée is worried about you. 441 00:18:20,233 --> 00:18:23,270 Oh, right. 442 00:18:23,336 --> 00:18:27,740 Golly, she's gonna be pretty P.O.'d. 443 00:18:27,807 --> 00:18:29,409 It's okay. She doesn't need to know. 444 00:18:29,476 --> 00:18:32,044 That's right. She doesn't need to know. 445 00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:34,214 Can I borrow $300? 446 00:18:35,382 --> 00:18:36,583 ALAN: What are you doing? 447 00:18:36,649 --> 00:18:38,751 Call it a wedding gift. 448 00:18:38,818 --> 00:18:40,420 Are you crazy? I've got to get him home. 449 00:18:40,487 --> 00:18:42,822 So take him home. What are you going to do? 450 00:18:42,889 --> 00:18:45,625 I'm thinking maybe I'll go around the world. 451 00:18:45,692 --> 00:18:48,695 God knows I've racked up enough frequent-flyer miles. 452 00:18:48,761 --> 00:18:50,197 (snoring) 453 00:18:50,263 --> 00:18:53,166 Herb? 454 00:18:53,233 --> 00:18:55,335 Herb?! 455 00:18:56,236 --> 00:18:58,205 Herb? 456 00:18:58,271 --> 00:18:59,706 (sighs) Charlie, you're going to have 457 00:18:59,772 --> 00:19:01,140 to help me take him home... 458 00:19:01,208 --> 00:19:04,177 Charlie? 459 00:19:08,315 --> 00:19:10,383 * Men... 460 00:19:10,450 --> 00:19:12,084 You have a key? 461 00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:13,220 No I don't have a key. 462 00:19:13,286 --> 00:19:14,354 Maybe he's got a key. 463 00:19:14,421 --> 00:19:15,322 You want to go through his pockets? 464 00:19:15,388 --> 00:19:16,756 Not particularly. 465 00:19:16,823 --> 00:19:18,491 Why don't we just leave him on the porch, 466 00:19:18,558 --> 00:19:19,692 ring the bell, and run? 467 00:19:19,759 --> 00:19:23,129 He's not a bag of flaming dog poo. 468 00:19:23,196 --> 00:19:25,398 No, that was Judith's first husband. 469 00:19:26,699 --> 00:19:29,869 Oop, dirty look-- where's my beer? 470 00:19:29,936 --> 00:19:32,239 (sighs) All right, all right. 471 00:19:32,305 --> 00:19:33,506 I'll go through his pockets. 472 00:19:33,573 --> 00:19:35,575 (both grunt) 473 00:19:35,642 --> 00:19:38,245 Oh, Judith. 474 00:19:40,647 --> 00:19:42,249 What the hell is going on here? 475 00:19:46,819 --> 00:19:48,255 * Men... 476 00:19:49,822 --> 00:19:51,624 (sighs) Well, that was close. 477 00:19:51,691 --> 00:19:54,527 No, it wasn't close. 478 00:19:54,594 --> 00:19:56,128 Close is when you get away with it. 479 00:19:56,195 --> 00:19:57,564 That was nowhere near close. 480 00:19:57,630 --> 00:19:59,532 All right, all right, it doesn't matter. 481 00:19:59,599 --> 00:20:01,901 He had a good time, he's going to marry Judith, 482 00:20:01,968 --> 00:20:03,636 and I'm off the hook for alimony. 483 00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:05,638 That's true. 484 00:20:07,774 --> 00:20:08,741 Hey, Alan? 485 00:20:08,808 --> 00:20:10,410 Yeah? 486 00:20:10,477 --> 00:20:12,845 You did erase the video from his cell phone, right? 487 00:20:12,912 --> 00:20:16,583 (chuckles) Oh, boy, it'd be really stupid if I didn't. 488 00:20:16,649 --> 00:20:18,718 Yes, it would. 489 00:20:23,356 --> 00:20:24,491 CHARLIE (over phone): Hey, Herb! 490 00:20:24,557 --> 00:20:27,494 Attaboy! (softly): You dumb bastard. 491 00:20:32,265 --> 00:20:33,766 Here you go. Thank you. 492 00:20:33,833 --> 00:20:36,469 And you. 493 00:20:36,536 --> 00:20:40,340 Okay, so that is one root beer... 494 00:20:42,008 --> 00:21:17,610 one orange soda.