1 00:00:03,071 --> 00:00:05,506 Our divorce does not have to be adversarial. 2 00:00:05,573 --> 00:00:07,408 Bet she won't know that word. 3 00:00:07,475 --> 00:00:10,411 No, not "ads for cereal." 4 00:00:12,380 --> 00:00:13,481 Told ya. 5 00:00:13,547 --> 00:00:14,815 Do you know? 6 00:00:14,882 --> 00:00:16,517 That wasn't the bet. 7 00:00:16,584 --> 00:00:18,286 Oh, come on. 8 00:00:18,352 --> 00:00:19,487 You're being very unfair. 9 00:00:19,553 --> 00:00:20,821 I love Chester as much as you do. 10 00:00:20,888 --> 00:00:22,323 Oh. Oh, really? 11 00:00:22,390 --> 00:00:24,158 Oh, well, then maybe you can explain to me 12 00:00:24,225 --> 00:00:25,459 why I'm the one who feeds Chester, 13 00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:27,095 gives Chester tick baths 14 00:00:27,161 --> 00:00:29,597 and cleans up when Chester piddles on the rug. 15 00:00:29,663 --> 00:00:32,166 When'd you change your name to Chester? 16 00:00:35,736 --> 00:00:37,871 And it's not just me. Jake loves that dog, too. 17 00:00:37,938 --> 00:00:39,173 No, I don't. 18 00:00:40,574 --> 00:00:43,511 He slobbers and he threw up in my shoe. 19 00:00:43,577 --> 00:00:46,147 I had a date like that once. 20 00:00:46,214 --> 00:00:49,883 You think it would have slowed me down, but no. 21 00:00:49,950 --> 00:00:51,852 All right, all right, can I at least talk to him? 22 00:00:51,919 --> 00:00:53,854 My father talks to dogs 23 00:00:53,921 --> 00:00:55,889 and they send me to a psychologist. 24 00:00:55,956 --> 00:00:57,725 Hello, Chester? 25 00:00:57,791 --> 00:00:59,893 It's Daddy! 26 00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:02,763 Who's a good boy?! 27 00:01:02,830 --> 00:01:04,232 You're a good boy! 28 00:01:04,298 --> 00:01:06,300 Yes, you are! 29 00:01:06,367 --> 00:01:08,236 Yes, you are! Yes... 30 00:01:08,302 --> 00:01:10,404 Kandi, I wasn't finished. 31 00:01:10,471 --> 00:01:12,540 Yeah, well, well, I have rights here. 32 00:01:12,606 --> 00:01:14,508 And, and I intend to pursue those rights 33 00:01:14,575 --> 00:01:17,478 with all the means at my disposal. 34 00:01:17,545 --> 00:01:19,380 Yeah, well, okay, okay. Good-bye. 35 00:01:21,582 --> 00:01:23,584 Alan? Yeah? 36 00:01:23,651 --> 00:01:24,818 (mocking): Who's a moron? 37 00:01:24,885 --> 00:01:26,154 You're a moron! 38 00:01:26,220 --> 00:01:27,821 Yes, you are! Yes, you are! 39 00:01:29,957 --> 00:01:31,759 Well, it may be funny to you, 40 00:01:31,825 --> 00:01:33,827 but that dog means a lot to me. 41 00:01:33,894 --> 00:01:35,329 This really about the dog 42 00:01:35,396 --> 00:01:36,630 or is it about Kandi? 43 00:01:36,697 --> 00:01:37,665 It's about the dog. 44 00:01:37,731 --> 00:01:38,866 I mean, 45 00:01:38,932 --> 00:01:40,868 we bought a condo, she's keeping it. 46 00:01:40,934 --> 00:01:42,303 We bought a car, she's keeping it. 47 00:01:42,370 --> 00:01:43,537 What do I get to keep? 48 00:01:43,604 --> 00:01:45,239 Certainly not your dignity. 49 00:01:46,774 --> 00:01:49,310 Okay, let's look at the big picture. 50 00:01:49,377 --> 00:01:51,545 You're a middle-aged guy who married 51 00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:52,946 a stupid woman half his age 52 00:01:53,013 --> 00:01:54,815 for no other reason than the sex was great. 53 00:01:54,882 --> 00:01:56,217 You with me so far? 54 00:01:56,284 --> 00:01:57,585 Yeah. 55 00:01:57,651 --> 00:01:59,820 Good. Then you ran out of money, 56 00:01:59,887 --> 00:02:01,955 she got bored and threw you out. 57 00:02:02,022 --> 00:02:03,624 What's your point? 58 00:02:03,691 --> 00:02:04,825 Why does everything need a point? 59 00:02:04,892 --> 00:02:07,628 Why can't I just make fun of you? 60 00:02:07,695 --> 00:02:10,464 I want my dog, Charlie. 61 00:02:10,531 --> 00:02:12,633 There'll be other dogs... 62 00:02:12,700 --> 00:02:13,801 not in my house. 63 00:02:15,369 --> 00:02:16,937 Just remember: 64 00:02:17,004 --> 00:02:19,640 the worst thing you can do is fight over who gets what. 65 00:02:19,707 --> 00:02:21,309 The trick is to give her everything. 66 00:02:21,375 --> 00:02:22,876 Everything? Whatever she wants 67 00:02:22,943 --> 00:02:24,478 because when all is said and done, 68 00:02:24,545 --> 00:02:26,314 you'll get the one thing that matters most, 69 00:02:26,380 --> 00:02:27,815 the thing you can't put a price on. 70 00:02:27,881 --> 00:02:29,283 My dignity. 71 00:02:29,350 --> 00:02:30,284 Oh, stop it. 72 00:02:30,351 --> 00:02:31,819 That ship has sailed. 73 00:02:34,054 --> 00:02:35,456 No, no, no. 74 00:02:35,523 --> 00:02:37,725 The thing you get is freedom; 75 00:02:37,791 --> 00:02:39,893 the opportunity to start over. 76 00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:42,663 Maybe a little sadder, but a whole lot wiser. 77 00:02:42,730 --> 00:02:43,831 And the next time you meet a woman-- 78 00:02:43,897 --> 00:02:45,799 and trust me, you will-- 79 00:02:45,866 --> 00:02:49,470 you'll have a real shot at true and lasting happiness. 80 00:02:49,537 --> 00:02:53,006 I want my dog. 81 00:02:53,073 --> 00:02:55,676 Well, good luck with that 82 00:02:55,743 --> 00:02:57,678 'cause I was lying about the other stuff. 83 00:03:01,048 --> 00:03:03,984 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 84 00:03:04,051 --> 00:03:07,388 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh 85 00:03:07,455 --> 00:03:10,758 * Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh 86 00:03:10,824 --> 00:03:12,660 * Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... * 87 00:03:12,726 --> 00:03:15,028 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 88 00:03:15,095 --> 00:03:18,966 * Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 89 00:03:19,032 --> 00:03:21,569 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 90 00:03:29,777 --> 00:03:32,680 You know, you get one week, and I get one week. 91 00:03:32,746 --> 00:03:34,782 It doesn't make any difference. 92 00:03:34,848 --> 00:03:38,819 Dog weeks and people weeks are the same thing. 93 00:03:40,988 --> 00:03:43,624 Hey, Dad, how come you don't give me an allowance? 94 00:03:43,691 --> 00:03:44,858 Because your mother gives you an allowance. 95 00:03:44,925 --> 00:03:46,159 Look, I am just trying to be fair here. 96 00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:48,128 Speaking of fair, 97 00:03:48,195 --> 00:03:51,031 it doesn't seem fair that Mom has to pay me and you don't. 98 00:03:51,098 --> 00:03:52,800 Hang on, Kandi. 99 00:03:52,866 --> 00:03:54,502 Let me explain something to you. 100 00:03:54,568 --> 00:03:56,704 Every cent your mother has comes from me. 101 00:03:56,770 --> 00:03:58,071 So when she gives you allowance, 102 00:03:58,138 --> 00:03:59,640 it's really me giving you an allowance. 103 00:03:59,707 --> 00:04:01,709 I don't need to know how it works, 104 00:04:01,775 --> 00:04:03,176 I just need more money. 105 00:04:05,879 --> 00:04:07,114 Take a number. 106 00:04:07,180 --> 00:04:08,516 Sorry, go ahead. 107 00:04:08,582 --> 00:04:09,550 Six. 108 00:04:14,021 --> 00:04:15,356 Morning. 109 00:04:15,423 --> 00:04:16,590 Morning. 110 00:04:16,657 --> 00:04:18,992 Look, if Chester is going to live anywhere full-time, 111 00:04:19,059 --> 00:04:20,227 I don't see why it shouldn't be here. 112 00:04:20,294 --> 00:04:22,396 I do. I see why. 113 00:04:24,298 --> 00:04:25,966 When he split with your mother, 114 00:04:26,033 --> 00:04:27,435 did they fight like this over your custody? 115 00:04:27,501 --> 00:04:29,370 They still do. "You take him." 116 00:04:29,437 --> 00:04:30,904 "No, you take him." 117 00:04:30,971 --> 00:04:33,106 ALAN: Okay. Okay, okay, fine. 118 00:04:33,173 --> 00:04:34,442 You want this to get ugly? 119 00:04:34,508 --> 00:04:35,643 You want to play hardball? 120 00:04:35,709 --> 00:04:37,411 I will, I will play hardball. 121 00:04:37,478 --> 00:04:39,413 How come you don't give me an allowance? 122 00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:42,082 What, are you drunk? 123 00:04:42,149 --> 00:04:45,018 Yeah, well, I am going to get a lawyer. 124 00:04:45,085 --> 00:04:46,520 I-I am going to take you to court. 125 00:04:46,587 --> 00:04:49,423 Yeah, and then we'll just see who gets Chester. 126 00:04:49,490 --> 00:04:52,159 Yeah! Yeah, well, well, have your lawyer call my lawyer! 127 00:04:52,225 --> 00:04:53,160 (phone slams) 128 00:05:02,336 --> 00:05:05,038 You know a lawyer? 129 00:05:05,105 --> 00:05:06,574 * Men. 130 00:05:13,146 --> 00:05:14,181 Oh. 131 00:05:14,247 --> 00:05:15,616 Hi. 132 00:05:15,683 --> 00:05:16,950 What do you want, Alan? 133 00:05:17,017 --> 00:05:19,987 Oh, okay, right to it, huh? 134 00:05:20,053 --> 00:05:24,124 Uh, well, as you know, Kandi and I are splitting up. 135 00:05:24,191 --> 00:05:26,594 Yeah, quelle surprise. 136 00:05:26,660 --> 00:05:30,197 Merci. 137 00:05:30,263 --> 00:05:34,034 Anyhoo, I'm going to need a good lawyer 138 00:05:34,101 --> 00:05:35,936 and I thought, you know, 139 00:05:36,003 --> 00:05:38,606 who better than the rabid jackal who ripped my lungs out 140 00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:40,474 in my first divorce? 141 00:05:40,541 --> 00:05:42,242 You want my lawyer? 142 00:05:42,309 --> 00:05:45,245 Well, I certainly don't want mine. 143 00:05:45,312 --> 00:05:47,581 Gee, Alan, I'm sorry, but I can't give him to you. 144 00:05:47,648 --> 00:05:48,716 Why not? 145 00:05:48,782 --> 00:05:50,418 Because I already gave him to Kandi. 146 00:05:50,484 --> 00:05:52,986 You're joking, right? 147 00:05:53,053 --> 00:05:56,490 I'm smiling, but I'm not joking. 148 00:05:56,557 --> 00:05:58,726 Why would you do that? 149 00:05:58,792 --> 00:06:01,361 I don't know-- kicks. 150 00:06:01,429 --> 00:06:04,998 Oh, Judith, when did you start hating me so much? 151 00:06:05,065 --> 00:06:08,235 Well, let's see, I disliked you when we were married, 152 00:06:08,301 --> 00:06:10,037 I resented you when we divorced, 153 00:06:10,103 --> 00:06:11,439 but I don't think I hated you 154 00:06:11,505 --> 00:06:12,973 until you started having sex 155 00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:15,576 with that gorgeous 22-year-old dumbbell. 156 00:06:15,643 --> 00:06:17,578 Okay, well, thanks for clearing that up. 157 00:06:17,645 --> 00:06:19,112 Bye-bye. 158 00:06:20,614 --> 00:06:22,315 * Men. 159 00:06:23,717 --> 00:06:25,753 Look, if you really want to make some extra cash, 160 00:06:25,819 --> 00:06:28,255 I'm sure we can find some household chores for you to do. 161 00:06:28,321 --> 00:06:30,491 Oh, yeah, there's big money in that. 162 00:06:32,593 --> 00:06:34,094 What kind of chores? 163 00:06:34,161 --> 00:06:35,996 Well, let's see. 164 00:06:36,063 --> 00:06:37,097 You can take out the garbage, 165 00:06:37,164 --> 00:06:39,166 sweep up the garage, wash my car. 166 00:06:39,232 --> 00:06:41,735 No, none of those sound good. 167 00:06:45,272 --> 00:06:47,741 Tell you what. 168 00:06:47,808 --> 00:06:51,078 I'll give you ten bucks 169 00:06:51,144 --> 00:06:53,280 if you can eat this entire tub of ice cream 170 00:06:53,346 --> 00:06:54,347 in less than 20 minutes. 171 00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:55,583 Okay. 172 00:06:55,649 --> 00:06:57,685 Charlie, that will shoot out of him 173 00:06:57,751 --> 00:07:01,288 like Ben and Jerry on rocket skates. 174 00:07:01,354 --> 00:07:04,057 Here, eat these instead. 175 00:07:04,124 --> 00:07:05,526 By the time they get through you, 176 00:07:05,593 --> 00:07:07,227 it'll be your mom's problem. 177 00:07:08,829 --> 00:07:10,564 All of them in 20 minutes, right? 178 00:07:10,631 --> 00:07:11,599 Yep. 179 00:07:11,665 --> 00:07:13,433 Then can I have the ice cream? 180 00:07:15,603 --> 00:07:17,471 Uh-oh. 181 00:07:19,106 --> 00:07:20,140 * Men. 182 00:07:29,617 --> 00:07:32,586 Alan, you should have called. 183 00:07:32,653 --> 00:07:34,755 I didn't feel like calling. I want to see my dog. 184 00:07:34,822 --> 00:07:37,090 Well, maybe he doesn't want to see you. 185 00:07:37,157 --> 00:07:38,592 Why don't we let him decide? 186 00:07:38,659 --> 00:07:40,828 No, he's been through enough. 187 00:07:40,894 --> 00:07:43,196 Oh, really? Did he tell you that? 188 00:07:43,263 --> 00:07:45,098 How could he tell me anything? 189 00:07:45,165 --> 00:07:46,767 You know as well as I do 190 00:07:46,834 --> 00:07:48,702 that he keeps everything bottled up. 191 00:07:48,769 --> 00:07:50,370 Damn it, Kandi, I want to see my... 192 00:07:50,437 --> 00:07:52,239 Don't you yell at me. 193 00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:53,641 If you have anything to say 194 00:07:53,707 --> 00:07:54,808 you can say it to my lawyer. 195 00:07:54,875 --> 00:07:56,610 Maybe I will. 196 00:07:56,677 --> 00:07:59,513 Honey, Alan has something he wants to say to you. 197 00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:04,685 Hey. 198 00:08:04,752 --> 00:08:05,753 What's up? 199 00:08:08,155 --> 00:08:10,724 It's you... 200 00:08:10,791 --> 00:08:11,759 the jackal. 201 00:08:11,825 --> 00:08:15,162 Oh, that hurts. 202 00:08:15,228 --> 00:08:17,798 Listen, as long as you're here, 203 00:08:17,865 --> 00:08:19,132 is your billing address still the same? 204 00:08:19,199 --> 00:08:20,500 Uh-huh. 205 00:08:20,568 --> 00:08:23,170 Great. Well, I guess I'll see you in court. 206 00:08:23,904 --> 00:08:25,706 Oh, and don't worry. 207 00:08:25,773 --> 00:08:27,675 I'm not going to bill you for this consultation. 208 00:08:27,741 --> 00:08:29,810 There's nothing legal going on here. 209 00:08:34,848 --> 00:08:37,818 * Men. 210 00:08:37,885 --> 00:08:40,754 CHARLIE: Unfreaking-believable. 211 00:08:40,821 --> 00:08:44,725 It's like watching a pot-smoking monkey. 212 00:08:44,792 --> 00:08:46,493 Ten dollars, please. 213 00:08:46,560 --> 00:08:48,929 Serves me right, betting against a kid 214 00:08:48,996 --> 00:08:51,298 who can eat a Happy Meal, toys and all. 215 00:08:52,933 --> 00:08:55,302 Thank you. 216 00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:56,469 What are you doing? 217 00:08:56,536 --> 00:08:58,772 You tell me always do my own count. 218 00:08:58,839 --> 00:09:00,608 Yeah, but you can trust me. 219 00:09:00,674 --> 00:09:02,843 ...seven, eight... 220 00:09:02,910 --> 00:09:04,444 nine? 221 00:09:06,479 --> 00:09:09,950 It was an honest mistake. 222 00:09:10,017 --> 00:09:11,685 I'm sure. 223 00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:15,856 So what are you going to do with your winnings? 224 00:09:15,923 --> 00:09:17,190 It's a secret. 225 00:09:17,257 --> 00:09:18,291 So it's a girl. 226 00:09:18,358 --> 00:09:19,259 How'd you know? 227 00:09:19,326 --> 00:09:19,893 I didn't. 228 00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:21,561 Then it isn't. 229 00:09:22,796 --> 00:09:24,231 Come on. Tell me about her. 230 00:09:24,297 --> 00:09:25,298 Maybe I can help. 231 00:09:25,365 --> 00:09:26,333 I don't think so. 232 00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:27,768 Are you kidding me? 233 00:09:27,835 --> 00:09:30,270 Who knows more about girls than your Uncle Charlie? 234 00:09:30,337 --> 00:09:32,840 Warren Beatty, Bill Clinton, Rosie O'Donnell. 235 00:09:35,508 --> 00:09:37,811 Why should I talk to you? 236 00:09:37,878 --> 00:09:38,779 You've messed up every relationship 237 00:09:38,846 --> 00:09:39,780 you've ever been in. 238 00:09:39,847 --> 00:09:41,281 Well, yeah, but... 239 00:09:41,348 --> 00:09:43,851 So you're not exactly a good example. 240 00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:46,519 I get it. I mean, if I were old enough to have one-night stands... 241 00:09:46,586 --> 00:09:47,988 All right, all right, you've made your point. 242 00:09:48,055 --> 00:09:49,857 So don't talk to me. 243 00:09:49,923 --> 00:09:51,258 I won't. Okay. Okay. 244 00:09:51,324 --> 00:09:52,726 Good. 245 00:09:56,997 --> 00:09:59,366 Will you drive me to the mall? 246 00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:00,734 Why? 247 00:10:00,801 --> 00:10:01,935 It's private. 248 00:10:02,002 --> 00:10:04,237 So's my car. 249 00:10:04,304 --> 00:10:07,507 All right, I want to buy a present. 250 00:10:07,574 --> 00:10:08,776 For? 251 00:10:08,842 --> 00:10:10,277 It's a secret. 252 00:10:10,343 --> 00:10:11,544 I'll throw in another ten. 253 00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:12,813 Wendy Cho. 254 00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:16,316 Aha! A present for Wendy Cho. 255 00:10:16,383 --> 00:10:18,952 Now, is this an offering to grease the wheels 256 00:10:19,019 --> 00:10:22,355 or a parting gift for the wheels having already been greased? 257 00:10:22,422 --> 00:10:23,957 Grease the wheels? 258 00:10:24,024 --> 00:10:26,827 See, that's why I don't talk to you about this stuff. 259 00:10:28,962 --> 00:10:31,899 Well, he may be as dull as a butter knife, 260 00:10:31,965 --> 00:10:34,768 but you got to admit he's a good judge of character. 261 00:10:45,779 --> 00:10:47,014 Are you sure 262 00:10:47,080 --> 00:10:49,316 it doesn't have anything to do with sex? 263 00:10:49,382 --> 00:10:50,550 Positive. 264 00:10:50,617 --> 00:10:52,686 Huh. Sure sounds like it. 265 00:10:52,753 --> 00:10:54,321 "Subpoenas." 266 00:11:03,463 --> 00:11:04,798 Hang in there, Chester. 267 00:11:04,865 --> 00:11:06,433 Daddy's coming. 268 00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:08,401 Oh, please, please, please, please, please. 269 00:11:09,903 --> 00:11:12,639 Yes! She didn't change the lock. 270 00:11:12,706 --> 00:11:15,008 (alarm blaring) 271 00:11:16,844 --> 00:11:18,812 But that's new. 272 00:11:24,584 --> 00:11:26,319 Skull earrings? 273 00:11:26,386 --> 00:11:29,056 Yeah, they're silver and they got ruby eyes. 274 00:11:29,122 --> 00:11:31,558 Okay, first of all, for $11.95... 275 00:11:31,624 --> 00:11:33,426 those aren't rubies. 276 00:11:33,493 --> 00:11:34,661 You don't know that. 277 00:11:34,728 --> 00:11:36,563 Oh, but I do. 278 00:11:37,865 --> 00:11:39,833 And second, girls like Wendy Cho 279 00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:41,534 don't wear skull earrings. 280 00:11:41,601 --> 00:11:42,635 How do you know? 281 00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:43,636 She gets straight A's, right? 282 00:11:43,703 --> 00:11:45,038 She plays violin? 283 00:11:45,105 --> 00:11:46,840 She's also the captain of the math team. 284 00:11:46,907 --> 00:11:48,976 Exactly. So you see my point. 285 00:11:49,042 --> 00:11:50,778 Oh. Okay. 286 00:11:52,913 --> 00:11:54,714 How 'bout that skull belt buckle? 287 00:11:56,917 --> 00:11:59,519 No skulls. 288 00:11:59,586 --> 00:12:01,088 Just out of curiosity, 289 00:12:01,154 --> 00:12:03,924 does this Wendy Cho hate her parents? 290 00:12:03,991 --> 00:12:05,458 I don't think so. Why? 291 00:12:05,525 --> 00:12:08,028 Just trying to get a handle on the relationship. 292 00:12:08,095 --> 00:12:11,598 She says she likes me 'cause I'm unpretentious. 293 00:12:11,664 --> 00:12:12,499 You know what that means? 294 00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:15,568 It means she likes me. 295 00:12:15,635 --> 00:12:17,504 Yeah. Okay. 296 00:12:17,570 --> 00:12:19,539 So what do you want this gift to say? 297 00:12:19,606 --> 00:12:22,609 Uh... "Happy birthday"? 298 00:12:22,675 --> 00:12:24,111 A birthday card says "Happy birthday." 299 00:12:24,177 --> 00:12:26,613 What are you trying to tell her by giving her jewelry? 300 00:12:26,679 --> 00:12:30,583 I don't know. I guess... that I love her. 301 00:12:31,651 --> 00:12:32,619 What? 302 00:12:32,685 --> 00:12:35,388 Nothing. That's terrific. 303 00:12:35,455 --> 00:12:37,024 Hey, just because you don't love any girl 304 00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:38,391 doesn't mean I shouldn't. 305 00:12:38,458 --> 00:12:40,560 Excuse me, but I have loved many girls 306 00:12:40,627 --> 00:12:42,595 and many girls have loved me. 307 00:12:42,662 --> 00:12:44,631 That's not love, it's just sex. 308 00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:48,701 Um, I'm sorry, I'm not following you. 309 00:12:48,768 --> 00:12:51,404 If you died tomorrow, how many of those girls 310 00:12:51,471 --> 00:12:52,605 would come to your funeral? 311 00:12:52,672 --> 00:12:54,174 A lot of them. 312 00:12:54,241 --> 00:12:55,843 Granted, a few might show up 313 00:12:55,909 --> 00:12:58,645 just to make sure I'm really dead. 314 00:12:58,711 --> 00:13:03,884 But I feel confident that the overall tone of the event 315 00:13:03,951 --> 00:13:06,586 would be one of sadness. 316 00:13:06,653 --> 00:13:08,121 If you say so. 317 00:13:08,188 --> 00:13:10,023 Yeah. I say so. 318 00:13:10,090 --> 00:13:11,724 And let's get out of here. 319 00:13:11,791 --> 00:13:13,526 I haven't picked out a gift yet. 320 00:13:13,593 --> 00:13:16,029 Then get her the stupid skull earrings. 321 00:13:16,096 --> 00:13:17,764 But you said she wouldn't like 'em. 322 00:13:17,831 --> 00:13:19,699 What do I know? Nobody loves me. 323 00:13:19,766 --> 00:13:21,869 Nobody's coming to my funeral. 324 00:13:21,935 --> 00:13:24,704 Whoa. Where'd that come from? 325 00:13:28,241 --> 00:13:32,045 Here. What about this gold heart necklace? 326 00:13:32,112 --> 00:13:35,115 It's kinda expensive. 327 00:13:35,182 --> 00:13:38,151 If you want the best, Jake, you gotta pay for it. 328 00:13:38,218 --> 00:13:40,487 Yeah, but $39? 329 00:13:40,553 --> 00:13:43,523 I mean, I love her and everything... 330 00:13:43,590 --> 00:13:46,193 Tell you what, if it means we can get out of here quicker, 331 00:13:46,259 --> 00:13:48,528 I'll front you the difference. I don't know. 332 00:13:48,595 --> 00:13:50,763 What do you mean you don't know? I'm offering you a great deal. 333 00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:52,465 Yeah, but you always say, 334 00:13:52,532 --> 00:13:55,035 "If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is." 335 00:13:55,102 --> 00:13:57,770 All right, how 'bout if I pay for the whole thing? 336 00:13:57,837 --> 00:14:00,773 That sounds even better, so no. 337 00:14:02,242 --> 00:14:04,677 Come on, Brainiac. 338 00:14:04,744 --> 00:14:07,180 What do I have to do for you? 339 00:14:07,247 --> 00:14:09,249 Just promise to be sad at my funeral. 340 00:14:09,316 --> 00:14:10,483 Do I have to cry? 341 00:14:10,550 --> 00:14:11,484 No. 342 00:14:11,551 --> 00:14:13,586 Will there be food? 343 00:14:13,653 --> 00:14:14,587 Yes. 344 00:14:14,654 --> 00:14:15,488 Can I bring a date? 345 00:14:18,125 --> 00:14:19,826 You're just screwing with me now, right? 346 00:14:19,893 --> 00:14:21,895 How does it feel? 347 00:14:24,631 --> 00:14:26,633 * Men. 348 00:14:26,699 --> 00:14:29,169 Still early. Want to go shoot some hoops? 349 00:14:29,236 --> 00:14:30,170 Nah. I'm gonna go 350 00:14:30,237 --> 00:14:31,838 call Wendy Cho. 351 00:14:33,306 --> 00:14:34,241 Hey. 352 00:14:34,307 --> 00:14:36,776 Bros before Chos. 353 00:14:39,746 --> 00:14:42,549 "Thanks for the ride to the mall, Uncle Charlie." 354 00:14:44,217 --> 00:14:46,819 "Thanks for buying me the necklace, Charlie." 355 00:14:46,886 --> 00:14:49,556 "Thanks for not slugging me when I started mouthing off 356 00:14:49,622 --> 00:14:51,024 about your funeral, Uncle Charlie." 357 00:14:53,593 --> 00:14:55,162 (sighs) 358 00:15:13,846 --> 00:15:14,781 (gasps) 359 00:15:23,223 --> 00:15:24,591 Chessie. 360 00:15:24,657 --> 00:15:26,826 Whoa, whoa, calm down. 361 00:15:26,893 --> 00:15:27,927 Calm down. Easy, boy. 362 00:15:27,995 --> 00:15:29,096 Charlie, what'd you do to him? 363 00:15:29,162 --> 00:15:30,830 What did I do to him? 364 00:15:30,897 --> 00:15:33,600 I practically crapped my pants is what I did to him. 365 00:15:33,666 --> 00:15:34,767 What the hell is that? 366 00:15:34,834 --> 00:15:36,703 This is Chester. Isn't he cute? 367 00:15:36,769 --> 00:15:38,305 Yes, you are. Yes, you are. 368 00:15:38,371 --> 00:15:40,240 He's not staying here, Alan. 369 00:15:40,307 --> 00:15:43,276 Well, with all due respect, that's what you said about me. 370 00:15:43,343 --> 00:15:47,880 It's because no kennel in town would take you. 371 00:15:47,947 --> 00:15:49,349 Oh, come on, look at him. 372 00:15:49,416 --> 00:15:51,318 How can you not love this face? 373 00:15:51,384 --> 00:15:53,620 Easy. I know where he puts it. 374 00:15:53,686 --> 00:15:56,623 Now take him back to Kandi's. 375 00:15:56,689 --> 00:15:57,624 I can't. 376 00:15:57,690 --> 00:15:58,625 Why not? 377 00:15:58,691 --> 00:15:59,892 It's kinda complicated. 378 00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:00,893 Then simplify it. 379 00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:02,962 Okay, well, um... 380 00:16:03,030 --> 00:16:04,297 I stole him. 381 00:16:07,234 --> 00:16:08,935 Oh, Alan. 382 00:16:09,002 --> 00:16:11,804 I may think with my penis, but at least I think. 383 00:16:11,871 --> 00:16:13,273 Don't worry. You won't have to do anything. 384 00:16:13,340 --> 00:16:14,874 I'll feed him, I'll walk him. 385 00:16:14,941 --> 00:16:16,609 Walk him? 386 00:16:16,676 --> 00:16:19,612 You can hitch a wagon to him and settle the West. 387 00:16:19,679 --> 00:16:22,615 No dogs in my house. 388 00:16:22,682 --> 00:16:24,351 Especially stolen dogs who are big enough 389 00:16:24,417 --> 00:16:26,386 to make me their bitch. 390 00:16:26,453 --> 00:16:28,021 BERTA: Whoa! 391 00:16:28,088 --> 00:16:29,789 What the hell is that? 392 00:16:29,856 --> 00:16:31,224 That... is leaving. 393 00:16:31,291 --> 00:16:32,859 Oh, Charlie, please. 394 00:16:32,925 --> 00:16:34,927 In my entire life, Chester is the only living thing 395 00:16:34,994 --> 00:16:37,130 I ever slept with that didn't sue me for alimony. 396 00:16:37,197 --> 00:16:40,733 Alan, how long do you think you're gonna get away with this? 397 00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:43,136 I was very careful. I left the door open 398 00:16:43,203 --> 00:16:44,804 so that when Kandi comes home, she'll think 399 00:16:44,871 --> 00:16:47,140 she left it open and that Chester ran away. 400 00:16:47,207 --> 00:16:49,008 She'll never dream of looking for him here. 401 00:16:49,076 --> 00:16:50,310 (doorbell ringing) 402 00:16:50,377 --> 00:16:53,146 Probably. 403 00:16:53,213 --> 00:16:56,183 Just in case-- hide Chester. 404 00:16:56,249 --> 00:16:59,052 How am I supposed to hide him? 405 00:16:59,119 --> 00:17:01,654 Sit under him with a pail and pretend he's a cow. 406 00:17:01,721 --> 00:17:04,023 (doorbell rings) 407 00:17:04,091 --> 00:17:05,358 Coming! 408 00:17:05,425 --> 00:17:08,161 (mutters) 409 00:17:08,228 --> 00:17:09,362 Come on, Bullwinkle. 410 00:17:09,429 --> 00:17:11,164 Yeah... Yeah... 411 00:17:19,206 --> 00:17:20,707 Alan Harper? 412 00:17:20,773 --> 00:17:22,142 Yes. 413 00:17:22,209 --> 00:17:23,843 Yes, how can I help you? 414 00:17:23,910 --> 00:17:26,379 We're investigating a stolen dog report. 415 00:17:26,446 --> 00:17:27,680 A-A dog? 416 00:17:27,747 --> 00:17:30,417 Your ex-wife's dog? 417 00:17:30,483 --> 00:17:33,386 Chester? Somebody stole Chester? 418 00:17:33,453 --> 00:17:37,690 She seems to think you might know his whereabouts. 419 00:17:37,757 --> 00:17:40,293 Oh, gosh, uh... 420 00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:42,795 I'm sorry, I have no idea... 421 00:17:42,862 --> 00:17:44,264 Uh, oh, although... 422 00:17:44,331 --> 00:17:45,965 you know what could have happened? 423 00:17:46,032 --> 00:17:48,468 Um... she, she could have left the, the door open. 424 00:17:48,535 --> 00:17:49,869 She's absent-minded. 425 00:17:49,936 --> 00:17:52,405 Uh, and the dog got away. 426 00:17:52,472 --> 00:17:54,274 (dog barking) 427 00:17:54,341 --> 00:17:57,210 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! 428 00:18:06,219 --> 00:18:08,421 * Men. 429 00:18:08,488 --> 00:18:10,723 ANNOUNCER: All right, 21-6, 430 00:18:10,790 --> 00:18:12,125 the Trojans lead the Aztecs. 431 00:18:12,192 --> 00:18:14,026 They'll have the ball when play resumes. 432 00:18:14,093 --> 00:18:15,595 Hey. 433 00:18:15,662 --> 00:18:17,063 Right now, Jim Watson's on the sidelines. 434 00:18:17,130 --> 00:18:18,698 Oh. Look who's finally off the phone. 435 00:18:18,765 --> 00:18:20,400 Yeah. 436 00:18:20,467 --> 00:18:22,969 So when are you gonna give Wendy Cho the necklace? 437 00:18:23,035 --> 00:18:24,804 I'm not. 438 00:18:24,871 --> 00:18:26,473 What happened? 439 00:18:26,539 --> 00:18:27,574 You chicken out? 440 00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:28,775 No. 441 00:18:30,510 --> 00:18:31,911 I don't believe it. 442 00:18:31,978 --> 00:18:34,647 You drag my ass all the way down to the mall. 443 00:18:34,714 --> 00:18:36,449 I pony up 40 bucks for the necklace 444 00:18:36,516 --> 00:18:37,884 and you chicken out. 445 00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:40,853 She just dumped me, you old turd. 446 00:18:43,823 --> 00:18:48,528 Oh. You coulda told me that before I started being a turd. 447 00:18:48,595 --> 00:18:49,929 I'm only 12. 448 00:18:49,996 --> 00:18:51,431 I need a time machine. 449 00:18:52,965 --> 00:18:55,067 Yeah, dude, I am really sorry. 450 00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:58,104 What happened? 451 00:18:58,171 --> 00:19:00,707 with mixed relationships. 452 00:19:02,842 --> 00:19:05,011 What? Chinese and Caucasian? 453 00:19:05,077 --> 00:19:06,779 Gifted and remedial. 454 00:19:08,948 --> 00:19:11,083 Oh... 455 00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:13,052 Yeah, well, I'm done with relationships. 456 00:19:13,119 --> 00:19:14,954 From now on, I'm gonna be like you. 457 00:19:15,021 --> 00:19:17,424 Why would you want to be like me? 458 00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:18,891 'Cause you never fall in love with anybody, 459 00:19:18,958 --> 00:19:20,427 so you never get hurt. 460 00:19:20,493 --> 00:19:22,995 Okay. 461 00:19:23,062 --> 00:19:23,896 Listen to me. 462 00:19:26,032 --> 00:19:28,167 Being hurt sucks, 463 00:19:28,235 --> 00:19:32,839 but love is the most beautiful and noble of human emotions. 464 00:19:32,905 --> 00:19:34,541 It's what gives a man hope. 465 00:19:34,607 --> 00:19:35,908 It's what gives his life meaning. 466 00:19:35,975 --> 00:19:38,911 Don't turn your back on love, Jake. 467 00:19:38,978 --> 00:19:42,715 I did, and I regret it every day. 468 00:19:42,782 --> 00:19:44,083 Really? 469 00:19:44,150 --> 00:19:46,586 May God strike me down if I'm lying. 470 00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:53,460 (mouthing) 471 00:19:58,298 --> 00:19:59,466 All right, game's over. 472 00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:00,567 Let's go. 473 00:20:00,633 --> 00:20:01,901 Where are we going? 474 00:20:01,968 --> 00:20:04,904 Might as well bail your dad out of jail. 475 00:20:08,308 --> 00:20:09,976 Can we get something to eat first? 476 00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:10,910 Sure, why not? 477 00:20:12,312 --> 00:20:13,680 * Men. 478 00:20:18,251 --> 00:20:20,253 come back from Mexico? 479 00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:23,623 Three more days. 480 00:20:23,690 --> 00:20:25,191 (sniffing) 481 00:20:25,258 --> 00:20:27,460 Oh, God, what are you feeding that dog? 482 00:20:27,527 --> 00:20:29,195 It's not the dog. 483 00:20:31,264 --> 00:20:37,236 Smells a little like... banana bread. 484 00:20:37,304 --> 00:20:38,538 * Men. 485 00:20:38,605 --> 00:20:39,539 (dog barks)