1 00:00:02,270 --> 00:00:03,871 Yo, dude, what up? 2 00:00:05,406 --> 00:00:06,574 Just follow my lead. 3 00:00:07,941 --> 00:00:09,943 Oh, this is awesome. 4 00:00:10,010 --> 00:00:12,580 Eh, it's just a little surf shack 5 00:00:12,646 --> 00:00:14,815 where I keep my board, beer and brother. 6 00:00:16,317 --> 00:00:20,654 How they breakin' today, Bro-heim? 7 00:00:20,721 --> 00:00:24,158 How are what breaking? 8 00:00:24,225 --> 00:00:26,460 He smokes way too much weed. 9 00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:29,497 The waves, Poindexter. 10 00:00:29,563 --> 00:00:31,532 Oh, oh, the waves... 11 00:00:31,599 --> 00:00:34,202 the waves are... 12 00:00:34,268 --> 00:00:36,604 knarly? 13 00:00:36,670 --> 00:00:38,639 Well, all right, let's hit it. 14 00:00:38,706 --> 00:00:42,676 Oh, I intend to. 15 00:00:42,743 --> 00:00:44,011 Why don't you head out. I'll throw on my suit 16 00:00:44,078 --> 00:00:46,614 and meet you there. Awesome. 17 00:00:49,983 --> 00:00:53,587 Mm, bodacious and tubular. 18 00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:57,891 Uh, excuse me, Moon Doggie-- 19 00:00:57,958 --> 00:00:59,593 quick question. 20 00:00:59,660 --> 00:01:00,628 Yeah. 21 00:01:00,694 --> 00:01:02,163 You don't surf, do you? 22 00:01:02,230 --> 00:01:03,931 Not a bit. 23 00:01:03,997 --> 00:01:07,501 So how did Gidget get the idea you were the Big Kahuna? 24 00:01:07,568 --> 00:01:08,669 I hold her I hang ten, 25 00:01:08,736 --> 00:01:10,571 and I guess she misunderstood. 26 00:01:10,638 --> 00:01:13,541 You're going to Hell, you know. 27 00:01:13,607 --> 00:01:14,975 I don't think so. 28 00:01:15,042 --> 00:01:17,545 I believe in a loving God who forgives little fibs 29 00:01:17,611 --> 00:01:19,713 as long as they lead to recreational sex. 30 00:01:19,780 --> 00:01:22,516 You really want to drag God into this? 31 00:01:22,583 --> 00:01:26,019 Who gave me the penis, Alan? 32 00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:28,222 Since when do you have a wet suit? 33 00:01:28,289 --> 00:01:30,258 Since I moved to the beach 34 00:01:30,324 --> 00:01:32,560 and noticed it was full of hot surfer chicks. 35 00:01:35,763 --> 00:01:37,698 If I lived next to Jellystone Park, 36 00:01:37,765 --> 00:01:40,834 I'd have a bear suit and a "pic-a-nic" basket. 37 00:01:42,836 --> 00:01:43,871 Would you get the door? 38 00:01:45,706 --> 00:01:46,907 (glass breaking) 39 00:01:47,975 --> 00:01:50,178 Oopsie. 40 00:01:50,244 --> 00:01:52,012 Smooth. 41 00:01:52,079 --> 00:01:53,847 So just out of curiosity, 42 00:01:53,914 --> 00:01:56,884 how exactly do you plan to pull this off? 43 00:01:56,950 --> 00:01:59,086 Simple-- paddle out, 44 00:01:59,153 --> 00:02:01,655 yell "shark" and paddle in. 45 00:02:01,722 --> 00:02:03,023 So you've thought this through? 46 00:02:03,090 --> 00:02:04,892 I'm not an idiot. 47 00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:07,661 (glass breaking) 48 00:02:07,728 --> 00:02:09,663 Whoopsie. 49 00:02:11,365 --> 00:02:13,901 Over here. 50 00:02:13,967 --> 00:02:16,570 What happened? 51 00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:18,105 I don't know. (coughing) 52 00:02:18,172 --> 00:02:19,106 This tiny wave came at us, 53 00:02:19,173 --> 00:02:20,641 I let it go. 54 00:02:20,708 --> 00:02:22,243 He screamed like a girl and fell off his board. 55 00:02:23,744 --> 00:02:25,346 I had to give him mouth-to-mouth, 56 00:02:25,413 --> 00:02:27,014 he swallowed a lot of water. 57 00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:28,816 He's going to be okay? 58 00:02:28,882 --> 00:02:30,150 I think so. 59 00:02:30,218 --> 00:02:31,652 He tried slipping me the tongue. 60 00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:35,256 Charlie, can you hear me? (coughing) 61 00:02:36,857 --> 00:02:39,059 Sha... 62 00:02:39,126 --> 00:02:39,827 What? 63 00:02:39,893 --> 00:02:41,795 Sha... 64 00:02:41,862 --> 00:02:43,697 I think he's trying to say shark." 65 00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:48,702 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 66 00:02:48,769 --> 00:02:52,172 * Ah-ha * Men... * 67 00:02:56,644 --> 00:02:58,479 Want something to drink? 68 00:02:58,546 --> 00:03:00,381 Oh, yeah. 69 00:03:03,651 --> 00:03:06,287 Ugh. 70 00:03:06,354 --> 00:03:07,555 What is this? 71 00:03:07,621 --> 00:03:08,922 Water. 72 00:03:08,989 --> 00:03:11,492 Are you crazy? I almost drowned in that stuff. 73 00:03:16,297 --> 00:03:18,399 Where's my little hard body? 74 00:03:18,466 --> 00:03:20,834 He took off with that girl you brought home. 75 00:03:23,937 --> 00:03:26,407 Other than that, your plan worked like a charm. 76 00:03:26,474 --> 00:03:28,876 Fine. Go ahead and mock me. 77 00:03:28,942 --> 00:03:30,878 But I could have died out there. 78 00:03:30,944 --> 00:03:33,614 Well the sea is a harsh mistress. 79 00:03:33,681 --> 00:03:36,517 And... you're a moron. 80 00:03:38,352 --> 00:03:40,821 What? You said to mock you. 81 00:03:40,888 --> 00:03:41,955 It's no joke, Alan. 82 00:03:42,022 --> 00:03:43,757 Oh, come on. 83 00:03:43,824 --> 00:03:45,559 You tried to scam your way into a surf bunny's shorts 84 00:03:45,626 --> 00:03:48,762 and ended up French kissing a handsome young lifeguard. 85 00:03:48,829 --> 00:03:50,864 How is that not a joke? 86 00:03:52,900 --> 00:03:54,868 It's not a joke, because... 87 00:03:56,870 --> 00:04:00,308 Something happened out there while I was drowning. 88 00:04:00,374 --> 00:04:02,876 What, did your entire sordid, degenerate life 89 00:04:02,943 --> 00:04:04,645 flash before your eyes? 90 00:04:04,712 --> 00:04:06,880 I wish. 91 00:04:06,947 --> 00:04:09,417 No, no, no. 92 00:04:09,483 --> 00:04:10,918 It was... 93 00:04:10,984 --> 00:04:12,686 Oh, you're not going to believe me. 94 00:04:12,753 --> 00:04:14,288 Try me. 95 00:04:16,524 --> 00:04:17,925 I saw Dad. 96 00:04:17,991 --> 00:04:19,960 Oh, baloney. 97 00:04:20,027 --> 00:04:21,729 You know what? 98 00:04:21,795 --> 00:04:22,963 Just forget it. 99 00:04:23,030 --> 00:04:24,565 Oh, come on, it was probably just 100 00:04:24,632 --> 00:04:26,634 a hallucination caused by, you know, 101 00:04:26,700 --> 00:04:28,336 brain cells dying. 102 00:04:30,338 --> 00:04:32,272 No, I'm used to that. 103 00:04:34,074 --> 00:04:36,977 This was no hallucination. 104 00:04:37,044 --> 00:04:39,413 Dad was right there in the water with me. 105 00:04:39,480 --> 00:04:41,682 All right, all right, for the sake of argument 106 00:04:41,749 --> 00:04:43,384 let's assume that you saw 107 00:04:43,451 --> 00:04:45,285 the spirit of our dead father. 108 00:04:45,353 --> 00:04:46,920 What did he do, reach a hand out 109 00:04:46,987 --> 00:04:48,822 to guide you to the great beyond? 110 00:04:48,889 --> 00:04:50,724 Don't be ridiculous. 111 00:04:50,791 --> 00:04:53,327 He didn't have hands. 112 00:04:54,895 --> 00:04:58,999 It was just his head kind of floating there 113 00:04:59,066 --> 00:05:02,436 like the great, powerful Oz. 114 00:05:04,672 --> 00:05:07,307 Or one of the Pep Boys. 115 00:05:07,375 --> 00:05:09,977 Wow. 116 00:05:10,043 --> 00:05:12,079 Manny, Moe or Jack? 117 00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:13,614 Jack. 118 00:05:15,383 --> 00:05:18,586 And he spoke to me. 119 00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:20,521 Oh, oh, you were able to hear him 120 00:05:20,588 --> 00:05:21,489 underwater? 121 00:05:21,555 --> 00:05:22,823 How weird. 122 00:05:22,890 --> 00:05:24,958 Oh, that's the part that bumps you? 123 00:05:25,025 --> 00:05:27,628 I'm just saying that you were able to hear him 124 00:05:27,695 --> 00:05:28,796 because you were imagining it. 125 00:05:28,862 --> 00:05:29,930 It was in your head. 126 00:05:29,997 --> 00:05:31,532 No. Oh, no. 127 00:05:31,599 --> 00:05:32,900 In a million years my mind 128 00:05:32,966 --> 00:05:35,469 could not have made up what he said to me. 129 00:05:35,536 --> 00:05:36,737 What'd he say? 130 00:05:36,804 --> 00:05:38,406 (sighs) 131 00:05:38,472 --> 00:05:40,974 Something that made my blood run cold. 132 00:05:41,041 --> 00:05:42,476 What? 133 00:05:43,877 --> 00:05:44,745 Never mind. 134 00:05:44,812 --> 00:05:46,346 I probably heard him wrong. 135 00:05:46,414 --> 00:05:49,016 Charlie... Please don't make me say it. 136 00:05:49,082 --> 00:05:50,984 Come on, Charlie, I am your brother. 137 00:05:51,051 --> 00:05:53,554 Whatever it was, we'll deal with it together. 138 00:05:55,889 --> 00:05:58,526 He said... 139 00:05:58,592 --> 00:06:00,761 "Take care of your mother." 140 00:06:06,099 --> 00:06:07,968 Good luck with that. 141 00:06:10,103 --> 00:06:11,972 * Men. * 142 00:06:14,107 --> 00:06:15,142 Hey. 143 00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:16,977 Hey. 144 00:06:17,044 --> 00:06:19,379 Dad said you almost drowned today. 145 00:06:19,447 --> 00:06:21,081 Yep. 146 00:06:21,148 --> 00:06:22,750 Are you okay now? 147 00:06:22,816 --> 00:06:24,652 I'm fine. 148 00:06:24,718 --> 00:06:25,986 Can I ask you a question? 149 00:06:26,053 --> 00:06:27,721 Sure. 150 00:06:27,788 --> 00:06:29,823 It's about what happens when you die. 151 00:06:29,890 --> 00:06:31,158 Okay. 152 00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:33,494 Who gets your car? 153 00:06:35,929 --> 00:06:37,998 Go away. 154 00:06:38,065 --> 00:06:40,968 You're right. Not a good time to ask. 155 00:06:43,571 --> 00:06:46,974 So, what you doing? 156 00:06:47,040 --> 00:06:49,176 Thinking about Dad. 157 00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:52,012 Yeah, about that, 158 00:06:52,079 --> 00:06:54,982 I was wondering, when you saw him, 159 00:06:55,048 --> 00:06:57,084 assuming you saw him, 160 00:06:57,150 --> 00:07:00,087 did he... ask about me? 161 00:07:00,153 --> 00:07:02,022 No. 162 00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:04,692 He just said, "Take are of your mother." 163 00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:06,159 Huh. 164 00:07:06,226 --> 00:07:07,861 Didn't... didn't mention me at all? 165 00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:09,096 Nope. 166 00:07:09,162 --> 00:07:10,998 Typical. 167 00:07:11,064 --> 00:07:12,900 Oh, here we go. 168 00:07:12,966 --> 00:07:14,434 I'm just saying, 169 00:07:14,502 --> 00:07:16,003 the guy doesn't get in touch for 30 years-- 170 00:07:16,069 --> 00:07:18,706 it wouldn't kill him to throw in a quick, "Hello, Alan." 171 00:07:18,772 --> 00:07:21,041 Dead or alive, that's just rude. 172 00:07:21,108 --> 00:07:22,175 Tell you what. 173 00:07:22,242 --> 00:07:23,977 Why don't you go fill up the tub, 174 00:07:24,044 --> 00:07:25,012 I'll hold your head under the water 175 00:07:25,078 --> 00:07:26,680 till the bubbles stop, 176 00:07:26,747 --> 00:07:28,782 and then you can tell him how offended you are. 177 00:07:28,849 --> 00:07:32,152 Oh, no. I have nothing to say to him now. 178 00:07:36,089 --> 00:07:38,492 How does he expect me to take care of her? 179 00:07:38,559 --> 00:07:39,993 I don't know. 180 00:07:40,060 --> 00:07:42,062 Why don't you try treating her like a human being? 181 00:07:42,129 --> 00:07:45,999 Nah, that can't be it. 182 00:07:46,066 --> 00:07:48,536 What if I put her in an assisted-living facility? 183 00:07:48,602 --> 00:07:51,104 That's ridiculous. She's a healthy woman. 184 00:07:51,171 --> 00:07:53,607 I'm not saying she wouldn't put up a fight. 185 00:07:53,674 --> 00:07:56,043 But hey, crumble up a few Xanax in her mimosa 186 00:07:56,109 --> 00:07:59,513 and we could probably coax her into a cave full of bats. 187 00:07:59,580 --> 00:08:02,149 I don't think that's what Dad meant. 188 00:08:02,215 --> 00:08:03,917 How do you know? 189 00:08:03,984 --> 00:08:05,018 Did he talk to you? 190 00:08:05,085 --> 00:08:07,020 No, he talked to me. 191 00:08:07,087 --> 00:08:09,690 Sure, rub my nose in it. 192 00:08:09,757 --> 00:08:11,158 How about this-- 193 00:08:11,224 --> 00:08:13,026 when was the last time you called her 194 00:08:13,093 --> 00:08:14,528 just to see how she was doing? 195 00:08:14,595 --> 00:08:18,198 Uh... what's today, Sunday? 196 00:08:18,265 --> 00:08:20,033 Then never. 197 00:08:20,100 --> 00:08:23,904 Why don't you start with that? 198 00:08:23,971 --> 00:08:26,707 Okay. Fine. 199 00:08:26,774 --> 00:08:28,208 Remember her number? 200 00:08:28,275 --> 00:08:30,043 I've got it on speed dial. 201 00:08:30,110 --> 00:08:32,212 6-6-6. 202 00:08:32,279 --> 00:08:34,214 Cute, huh? 203 00:08:37,685 --> 00:08:39,620 Hey, Mom, it's Charlie. 204 00:08:39,687 --> 00:08:40,988 Nothing's the matter. 205 00:08:41,054 --> 00:08:43,056 I just called to see how you're doing. 206 00:08:43,123 --> 00:08:45,593 No, I'm not drunk. 207 00:08:45,659 --> 00:08:46,860 I was just thinking about you, 208 00:08:46,927 --> 00:08:48,562 and I thought I'd call. 209 00:08:48,629 --> 00:08:51,031 I swear to God I'm not drunk. 210 00:08:51,098 --> 00:08:53,667 Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. 211 00:08:53,734 --> 00:08:55,535 You happy? 212 00:08:55,603 --> 00:08:57,237 So what's going on? 213 00:08:57,304 --> 00:08:59,640 I haven't talked to you in awhi... 214 00:08:59,707 --> 00:09:03,176 Well, I'm talking to you now. 215 00:09:03,243 --> 00:09:08,882 Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. 216 00:09:08,949 --> 00:09:10,984 Excuse me? 217 00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:13,253 Okay. Okay. Okay. 218 00:09:14,788 --> 00:09:18,125 So... everything okay? 219 00:09:18,191 --> 00:09:21,328 I'm taking her to lunch tomorrow. 220 00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:23,130 Voluntarily? 221 00:09:23,196 --> 00:09:27,635 Wow, you must have really had a spiritual experience out there. 222 00:09:27,701 --> 00:09:29,069 Let's face it, Alan, 223 00:09:29,136 --> 00:09:32,039 when Dad was alive, I was a rotten son. 224 00:09:32,105 --> 00:09:33,173 Oh, you sure were. 225 00:09:33,240 --> 00:09:34,675 You were horrible. 226 00:09:34,742 --> 00:09:35,743 Boy, I remember the time... 227 00:09:35,809 --> 00:09:37,678 The point is... 228 00:09:37,745 --> 00:09:40,748 maybe I've got a chance to make up for it now. 229 00:09:40,814 --> 00:09:42,750 He wants me to take care of Mom, 230 00:09:42,816 --> 00:09:44,184 then that's what we're going to do. 231 00:09:44,251 --> 00:09:46,119 Well, that-that's gr... 232 00:09:46,186 --> 00:09:48,055 Wait a minute, did you say "we"? 233 00:09:48,121 --> 00:09:49,256 I'm not going. 234 00:09:49,322 --> 00:09:50,924 Fine. 235 00:09:50,991 --> 00:09:52,693 Next time I see our father's floating head, 236 00:09:52,760 --> 00:09:54,695 I'm going to tell him you refused to help. 237 00:09:54,762 --> 00:09:57,264 (mocking tone): I'm going to tell him, I'm going to tell him. 238 00:09:57,330 --> 00:09:59,032 God, you're such a child. 239 00:09:59,099 --> 00:10:01,068 So you're coming? Yeah. 240 00:10:03,403 --> 00:10:05,873 I can't tell you what a treat it is 241 00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:08,208 to have lunch with my two favorite sons. 242 00:10:08,275 --> 00:10:10,010 You have others? 243 00:10:10,077 --> 00:10:13,180 It's an expression, Charlie. 244 00:10:13,246 --> 00:10:15,248 Although I do sponsor a little boy in Africa. 245 00:10:15,315 --> 00:10:16,316 No kidding? 246 00:10:16,383 --> 00:10:18,686 Oh, yes. Little Mobutu. 247 00:10:18,752 --> 00:10:21,154 He's in the middle of a civil war, 248 00:10:21,221 --> 00:10:23,123 and I still hear from him more than you. 249 00:10:25,125 --> 00:10:27,661 Hey, Alan, tell Mom what that little rascal Jake's been up to. 250 00:10:29,262 --> 00:10:31,298 He hasn't been up to anything. 251 00:10:35,703 --> 00:10:36,870 Okay. 252 00:10:36,937 --> 00:10:37,971 So... 253 00:10:39,406 --> 00:10:42,042 I think I'll go to the bathroom. 254 00:10:42,109 --> 00:10:43,310 Why? 255 00:10:43,376 --> 00:10:45,746 What do you mean why? I have to go. 256 00:10:45,813 --> 00:10:48,215 When was the last time you had a prostate exam? 257 00:10:48,281 --> 00:10:50,017 Feels like I'm having one now. 258 00:10:50,083 --> 00:10:52,119 I'm just expressing concern for your health. 259 00:10:52,185 --> 00:10:54,021 You don't have to get snippy. 260 00:10:54,087 --> 00:10:55,689 I'm not being snippy. 261 00:10:55,756 --> 00:10:58,125 Is it just me, or is he snippy? 262 00:10:59,226 --> 00:11:00,761 Try living with him. 263 00:11:00,828 --> 00:11:02,730 Excuse me. 264 00:11:02,796 --> 00:11:04,197 All right, what's going on? 265 00:11:04,264 --> 00:11:06,099 What makes you think something's going on? 266 00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:09,402 When one of my sons calls me for no reason 267 00:11:09,469 --> 00:11:11,004 and agrees to take me to lunch, 268 00:11:11,071 --> 00:11:13,006 something heinous is going on. 269 00:11:13,073 --> 00:11:14,842 Hey, I took you to lunch two weeks ago 270 00:11:14,908 --> 00:11:16,676 for no reason other than I love you. 271 00:11:16,744 --> 00:11:20,080 Oh, yes, the tacky little chain restaurant in the Valley. 272 00:11:20,147 --> 00:11:22,950 That fish shot out of me like there was a fire drill. 273 00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:26,954 The point is I love you. 274 00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:30,323 The point is I lost four pounds in two days. 275 00:11:30,390 --> 00:11:33,326 Well, you do look thinner. 276 00:11:33,393 --> 00:11:35,362 It's too late for flattery, darling. 277 00:11:35,428 --> 00:11:37,798 Now what is going on with your brother? 278 00:11:37,865 --> 00:11:41,001 I don't think he'd be very happy with me if I told you. 279 00:11:41,068 --> 00:11:43,971 Sweetheart, you're not his favorite person now. 280 00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:45,005 (sighs) 281 00:11:45,072 --> 00:11:47,307 Okay, here's the thing. 282 00:11:47,374 --> 00:11:50,878 Charlie almost drowned yesterday. 283 00:11:50,944 --> 00:11:52,212 Oh, dear Lord, 284 00:11:52,279 --> 00:11:53,413 I've told him over and over again 285 00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:56,049 two drinks max in the hot tub. 286 00:11:56,116 --> 00:11:57,785 No, he was surfing. 287 00:11:57,851 --> 00:11:58,418 In the hot tub? 288 00:11:58,485 --> 00:12:00,220 In the ocean. 289 00:12:00,287 --> 00:12:01,889 Start again. 290 00:12:01,955 --> 00:12:04,191 He was trying to impress some girl. 291 00:12:04,257 --> 00:12:05,325 Ah, oh, okay. 292 00:12:05,392 --> 00:12:06,760 Like the time he broke his nose 293 00:12:06,827 --> 00:12:07,761 playing tetherball. 294 00:12:07,828 --> 00:12:09,162 Exactly. 295 00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:13,433 Anyway, he was convinced he was near death 296 00:12:13,500 --> 00:12:15,903 and that he saw Dad. 297 00:12:15,969 --> 00:12:18,238 He saw your father? 298 00:12:19,840 --> 00:12:20,740 Wow. 299 00:12:22,242 --> 00:12:23,376 How'd he look? 300 00:12:23,443 --> 00:12:25,946 Uh, he was just kind of a floating head. 301 00:12:26,013 --> 00:12:28,248 Yeah, that's pretty much how I remember him. 302 00:12:28,315 --> 00:12:30,918 Fairly useless from the neck down. 303 00:12:30,984 --> 00:12:35,288 Anyway, Dad told Charlie to take care of you. 304 00:12:37,390 --> 00:12:40,260 Really? 305 00:12:40,327 --> 00:12:41,761 Anything else? 306 00:12:41,829 --> 00:12:42,963 Nope, that's it. 307 00:12:43,030 --> 00:12:44,464 Just for him to take care of you. 308 00:12:44,531 --> 00:12:46,934 It's like I might as well not even exist. 309 00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:49,502 Oh, Alan, you can't take that personally. 310 00:12:49,569 --> 00:12:52,305 First of all, Charlie was a planned baby. 311 00:12:52,372 --> 00:12:54,274 What was I? 312 00:12:54,341 --> 00:12:56,343 Well, dear, you were a pitcher of margaritas 313 00:12:56,409 --> 00:12:58,846 and a gas station condom. 314 00:13:01,982 --> 00:13:04,885 I had a nice solid stream of urine, 315 00:13:04,952 --> 00:13:06,053 thank you very much. 316 00:13:06,119 --> 00:13:07,387 What? 317 00:13:07,454 --> 00:13:09,389 My prostate is fine. 318 00:13:09,456 --> 00:13:11,024 What kind of table talk is that? 319 00:13:11,091 --> 00:13:12,359 You're the one that brought it up. 320 00:13:12,425 --> 00:13:14,127 It doesn't matter who brought it up. 321 00:13:14,194 --> 00:13:16,196 I don't want to hear about it when I'm eating. 322 00:13:16,263 --> 00:13:18,298 You know what? 323 00:13:18,365 --> 00:13:20,100 This lunch was a bad idea. 324 00:13:20,167 --> 00:13:21,334 No, don't say that, darling. 325 00:13:21,401 --> 00:13:23,203 It was a wonderful idea. 326 00:13:23,270 --> 00:13:25,572 If I'm being ungracious, I apologize. 327 00:13:25,638 --> 00:13:28,441 All right, let's call it "ungracious," 328 00:13:28,508 --> 00:13:30,343 but we all know what we're thinking. 329 00:13:30,410 --> 00:13:35,849 I guess I'm just a little edgy because, well... 330 00:13:37,584 --> 00:13:38,952 No, never mind. 331 00:13:39,019 --> 00:13:40,187 What? 332 00:13:40,253 --> 00:13:43,290 Forget it. My problems are my problems. 333 00:13:43,356 --> 00:13:47,160 I don't expect you to take care of me. 334 00:13:49,429 --> 00:13:52,365 Mom, just for the sake of argument, 335 00:13:52,432 --> 00:13:56,103 let's say that I wanted to take care of you. 336 00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:56,569 What's going on? 337 00:13:56,636 --> 00:13:58,238 Nothing. 338 00:13:58,305 --> 00:14:01,608 I'm just having a little minor surgery tomorrow. 339 00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:03,043 What kind of surgery? 340 00:14:03,110 --> 00:14:04,377 It's a woman thing. 341 00:14:04,444 --> 00:14:05,478 Is there anything I can do? 342 00:14:05,545 --> 00:14:08,415 Just keep me in your prayers. 343 00:14:08,481 --> 00:14:09,849 No, no, no. 344 00:14:09,917 --> 00:14:11,318 I will drive you there 345 00:14:11,384 --> 00:14:14,287 and then take you back to my place so you can recuperate. 346 00:14:14,354 --> 00:14:16,990 Oh, sweetheart, that's very generous, 347 00:14:17,057 --> 00:14:18,425 but I don't want to be a burden. 348 00:14:18,491 --> 00:14:22,262 Mom, please, that ship has sailed. 349 00:14:22,329 --> 00:14:25,865 Well, then I accept. 350 00:14:25,933 --> 00:14:27,200 Thank you. 351 00:14:31,604 --> 00:14:34,107 Who buys condoms at a gas station?! 352 00:14:36,376 --> 00:14:37,377 * Men. * 353 00:14:41,581 --> 00:14:42,649 Watch your step here. 354 00:14:53,193 --> 00:14:55,028 Thank you, darling. 355 00:15:01,668 --> 00:15:04,204 What happened to your mouth? 356 00:15:04,271 --> 00:15:06,639 I just had a little procedure. 357 00:15:06,706 --> 00:15:08,475 What kind of procedure? 358 00:15:08,541 --> 00:15:12,212 They sucked some fat out of her ass and shot it into her lips. 359 00:15:17,684 --> 00:15:19,352 What did they do, use the whole ass? 360 00:15:19,419 --> 00:15:21,288 They're just a little swollen. 361 00:15:21,354 --> 00:15:24,291 In two days they'll be plump, luscious and ready for action. 362 00:15:26,159 --> 00:15:29,496 What boy doesn't like hearing that from his mother? 363 00:15:29,562 --> 00:15:31,598 Charlie, I need to sit down. 364 00:15:31,664 --> 00:15:33,300 Okay, got you covered. 365 00:15:33,366 --> 00:15:36,503 I thought you said it was a woman thing. 366 00:15:36,569 --> 00:15:39,606 You know any guys dumb enough to do this. 367 00:15:39,672 --> 00:15:42,642 Good Lord! 368 00:15:42,709 --> 00:15:44,611 What'd you do, fellate a beehive? 369 00:15:46,846 --> 00:15:48,181 Fellate? 370 00:15:48,248 --> 00:15:51,618 I read. I can conjugate. 371 00:15:51,684 --> 00:15:54,254 Man, the last time I saw a mouth like that, 372 00:15:54,321 --> 00:15:56,656 it was trying to eat Jacques Cousteau. 373 00:16:00,793 --> 00:16:03,930 * Men. * 374 00:16:03,997 --> 00:16:07,167 Here you go, Mom, nice bite-sized pieces. 375 00:16:07,234 --> 00:16:08,668 Thank you, darling. 376 00:16:08,735 --> 00:16:12,239 Dad said you got your butt in your lips. 377 00:16:16,909 --> 00:16:18,678 Just eat your dinner. 378 00:16:18,745 --> 00:16:20,247 Hang on. 379 00:16:20,313 --> 00:16:23,250 So if you burp now, it'd really be a fart, right? 380 00:16:28,321 --> 00:16:29,822 Eat. 381 00:16:32,192 --> 00:16:36,029 Charlie, my doughnut's too soft. 382 00:16:38,098 --> 00:16:40,233 So, Jake, has your mother succeeded 383 00:16:40,300 --> 00:16:41,334 in turning you against me yet? 384 00:16:41,401 --> 00:16:42,469 Mom. 385 00:16:42,535 --> 00:16:45,172 What, you don't think she talks? 386 00:16:45,238 --> 00:16:46,906 You don't think he listens? 387 00:16:46,973 --> 00:16:49,409 Trust me, Alan, even the mind of a dull child 388 00:16:49,476 --> 00:16:52,212 can be poisoned by a malicious parent. 389 00:16:52,279 --> 00:16:54,314 Can we just please change the subject? 390 00:16:54,381 --> 00:16:57,150 Although, I must say I prefer your mother 391 00:16:57,217 --> 00:16:59,186 to that postpubescent knucklehead 392 00:16:59,252 --> 00:17:00,953 your father replaced her with. 393 00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:02,355 Okay, okay, that's it. 394 00:17:02,422 --> 00:17:04,157 What? I changed the subject. 395 00:17:04,224 --> 00:17:05,392 Come on, Jake, We're going to the movies. 396 00:17:05,458 --> 00:17:06,493 On a school night? 397 00:17:06,559 --> 00:17:08,161 Why not? You're flunking anyway. 398 00:17:08,228 --> 00:17:10,730 Wait, wait, wait. You're just leaving me? 399 00:17:10,797 --> 00:17:12,499 You're taking care of Mom, remember? 400 00:17:12,565 --> 00:17:14,201 That's not fair? 401 00:17:14,267 --> 00:17:16,169 You got a complaint? Take it to the floating head. 402 00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:24,477 So how's work? 403 00:17:24,544 --> 00:17:26,113 Fine. 404 00:17:26,179 --> 00:17:27,747 You seeing anybody special? 405 00:17:27,814 --> 00:17:29,316 Nope. 406 00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:32,319 Charlie, did you ever stop to think 407 00:17:32,385 --> 00:17:34,954 that our relationship is strained 408 00:17:35,021 --> 00:17:36,489 because you won't let me in. 409 00:17:36,556 --> 00:17:38,258 You won't share. 410 00:17:38,325 --> 00:17:40,260 You know why I won't share with you, Mom? 411 00:17:40,327 --> 00:17:42,462 Because anything I say will be used against me. 412 00:17:42,529 --> 00:17:44,231 Oh, please. 413 00:17:44,297 --> 00:17:46,833 I have go to the bathroom? Maybe I have a prostate problem. 414 00:17:46,899 --> 00:17:48,335 I buy a new Mercedes, 415 00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:50,270 you call it a Nazi phallic symbol. 416 00:17:50,337 --> 00:17:52,205 I'm seeing someone new, 417 00:17:52,272 --> 00:17:56,309 you ask if I'm paying her by the hour or per shtup. 418 00:17:56,376 --> 00:17:58,378 Charlie, when I say those things, 419 00:17:58,445 --> 00:17:59,412 it's because I want to help you. 420 00:17:59,479 --> 00:18:00,780 You're my son. 421 00:18:00,847 --> 00:18:03,316 I want you to be the best you can be. 422 00:18:03,383 --> 00:18:06,219 I appreciate that, but you can stop worrying. 423 00:18:06,286 --> 00:18:07,320 I'm doing fine. 424 00:18:07,387 --> 00:18:09,822 I am the best I can be. 425 00:18:09,889 --> 00:18:13,493 Oh, darling, that just breaks my heart. 426 00:18:16,396 --> 00:18:18,465 * Men. * 427 00:18:22,535 --> 00:18:25,172 Why would he do this to me? 428 00:18:25,238 --> 00:18:27,207 "Take care of your mother." 429 00:18:27,274 --> 00:18:30,042 Not like she ever took care of him. 430 00:18:30,109 --> 00:18:34,181 She nagged him, humiliated him, emasculate him. 431 00:18:34,247 --> 00:18:39,219 The main reason he died so young is 'cause he wanted to. 432 00:18:39,286 --> 00:18:42,422 Charlie! My donut's soft again. 433 00:18:42,489 --> 00:18:44,991 Be right there. 434 00:18:45,057 --> 00:18:47,360 Why? 435 00:18:47,427 --> 00:18:49,296 Why do you want me to take care of her? 436 00:18:49,362 --> 00:18:52,265 Charlie! 437 00:18:52,332 --> 00:18:53,533 I'm coming! 438 00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:55,235 Come on. Talk to me. 439 00:18:55,302 --> 00:18:57,003 Give me a sign. 440 00:18:57,069 --> 00:19:01,908 ROSE (deep voice): Marry that cute girl down the beach. 441 00:19:01,974 --> 00:19:03,510 Rose. 442 00:19:03,576 --> 00:19:07,146 Yes, that's her name. 443 00:19:07,214 --> 00:19:09,148 You know what? 444 00:19:09,216 --> 00:19:11,351 You can tell me in person because I am this close 445 00:19:11,418 --> 00:19:13,019 to sticking my tongue in a light socket! 446 00:19:14,621 --> 00:19:16,323 ROSE (normal voice): Why don't you stick your tongue 447 00:19:16,389 --> 00:19:17,424 in my mouth instead? 448 00:19:19,091 --> 00:19:23,095 ROSE (deep voice): I mean, Rose's mouth. 449 00:19:30,370 --> 00:19:32,405 What are you watching? 450 00:19:32,472 --> 00:19:34,274 Some old gangster movie. 451 00:19:34,341 --> 00:19:37,009 (sighs) 452 00:19:37,076 --> 00:19:38,311 Any good? 453 00:19:38,378 --> 00:19:40,247 Not really. 454 00:19:40,313 --> 00:19:42,582 Just gives me a warm feeling 455 00:19:42,649 --> 00:19:47,186 to know that all those young beautiful actors are now dead. 456 00:19:48,388 --> 00:19:50,390 MAN (on TV): The dame knows too much. 457 00:19:50,457 --> 00:19:52,392 MAN 2: Want I should take care of her, boss? 458 00:19:58,064 --> 00:20:00,333 Yeah, take care of her, 459 00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:04,671 but make it look like an accident. 460 00:20:04,737 --> 00:20:06,639 Don't worry about a thing. 461 00:20:06,706 --> 00:20:08,675 I'll take care of her. 462 00:20:08,741 --> 00:20:11,278 Sorry. 463 00:20:11,344 --> 00:20:14,281 I misunderstood. 464 00:20:14,347 --> 00:20:16,316 What's that, dear? 465 00:20:17,384 --> 00:20:21,220 Nothing. 466 00:20:21,288 --> 00:20:22,589 * Men. * 467 00:20:24,924 --> 00:20:27,494 (knocking) 468 00:20:32,665 --> 00:20:34,467 Hi. 469 00:20:34,534 --> 00:20:36,536 Hello. 470 00:20:36,603 --> 00:20:38,771 I don't know if you remember me, 471 00:20:38,838 --> 00:20:41,240 but I'm the one who pulled you out of the ocean the other day. 472 00:20:41,308 --> 00:20:43,743 Oh, right, right, right. Thanks. 473 00:20:43,810 --> 00:20:45,378 It's okay, it's my job. 474 00:20:45,445 --> 00:20:47,780 Well, I'm-I'm glad you did it. 475 00:20:47,847 --> 00:20:50,249 Anyway, I was just checking in on you, see how you're doing. 476 00:20:50,317 --> 00:20:51,684 I'm doing fine. 477 00:20:51,751 --> 00:20:53,453 Good. 478 00:20:53,520 --> 00:20:56,923 So you want to walk down to the pier, 479 00:20:56,989 --> 00:21:00,192 maybe grab a cup of coffee? 480 00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:09,569 Gee, uh, I don't know. 481 00:21:09,636 --> 00:21:11,638 EVELYN: Charlie, 482 00:21:11,704 --> 00:21:14,374 it's time to change my butt dressing. 483 00:21:16,443 --> 00:21:17,744 Ah, what the hell. Let's go.