1 00:00:10,478 --> 00:00:15,316 "Mudslide Kills 600 Religious Pilgrims." 2 00:00:15,383 --> 00:00:18,619 And yet, both my ex-wives live on. 3 00:00:24,592 --> 00:00:25,693 Morning. 4 00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:28,629 Morning. Uh-oh. 5 00:00:30,231 --> 00:00:32,300 Not again. Please, not again. 6 00:00:33,401 --> 00:00:34,735 Thank God. 7 00:00:37,705 --> 00:00:39,673 Always in the last place you look, huh? 8 00:00:39,740 --> 00:00:41,008 Uh-huh. 9 00:00:41,075 --> 00:00:42,376 Have a nice day. 10 00:00:43,777 --> 00:00:45,646 (weakly): You, too. 11 00:00:49,250 --> 00:00:50,518 Yeah, Phil, it's Charlie. 12 00:00:50,584 --> 00:00:52,386 Put me down for a grand on Detroit tonight. 13 00:00:52,453 --> 00:00:54,088 What's the line now? 14 00:00:54,155 --> 00:00:55,689 Well, excuse me. 15 00:00:55,756 --> 00:00:58,025 But don't you think if the gambler is awake, 16 00:00:58,092 --> 00:01:01,429 it behooves the bookie to be up as well? 17 00:01:01,495 --> 00:01:05,065 All right, well, call me when you get off the can. 18 00:01:05,133 --> 00:01:07,168 Are you aware that your sleepover buddy 19 00:01:07,235 --> 00:01:09,337 was packing heat? Oh, yeah. 20 00:01:09,403 --> 00:01:12,406 Any hotter and she'd have burned my pubes clean off. 21 00:01:12,473 --> 00:01:14,775 Charlie, a gun in the house? 22 00:01:14,842 --> 00:01:16,610 Relax, she's a cop. 23 00:01:16,677 --> 00:01:18,312 Or was a cop. 24 00:01:18,379 --> 00:01:21,382 Or is wanted by the cops. 25 00:01:21,449 --> 00:01:24,118 I know she mentioned cops. 26 00:01:24,185 --> 00:01:27,188 Unbelievable. So this was another one-night stand? 27 00:01:27,255 --> 00:01:30,324 Unless she comes back for her handcuffs, yeah. 28 00:01:30,391 --> 00:01:33,494 Boy, how much satisfaction can you get from that? 29 00:01:33,561 --> 00:01:34,462 Handcuffs? 30 00:01:34,528 --> 00:01:36,130 Not really my thing. 31 00:01:36,197 --> 00:01:38,132 But, hey, she probably did some stuff last night 32 00:01:38,199 --> 00:01:39,800 that might not have been her first choice. 33 00:01:41,369 --> 00:01:42,503 No, I mean, 34 00:01:42,570 --> 00:01:44,272 how can you possibly get any satisfaction 35 00:01:44,338 --> 00:01:46,607 from an endless series of alcohol-soaked one-night stands? 36 00:01:46,674 --> 00:01:49,076 And even as the words are coming out of my mouth 37 00:01:49,143 --> 00:01:52,112 I realize it's a stupid question, so forget I said it. 38 00:01:52,180 --> 00:01:54,582 She's married to a cop. 39 00:01:56,417 --> 00:01:58,452 You know, I hate to see you wasting your life 40 00:01:58,519 --> 00:02:00,688 having drunken sex with women you don't care about. 41 00:02:00,754 --> 00:02:04,057 Well, who asked you to move back in and watch? 42 00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:05,359 You know who was good for you? 43 00:02:05,426 --> 00:02:06,694 Don't go there, Alan. 44 00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:07,761 Mia. 45 00:02:07,828 --> 00:02:09,197 She was beautiful, she was smart. 46 00:02:09,263 --> 00:02:10,664 She got you to clean up your act. 47 00:02:10,731 --> 00:02:12,266 I'm telling you, Charlie, letting her go 48 00:02:12,333 --> 00:02:13,701 was the stupidest thing you've ever done. 49 00:02:13,767 --> 00:02:15,303 You're going there, Alan. 50 00:02:15,369 --> 00:02:17,571 I'm just saying you had this fantastic woman 51 00:02:17,638 --> 00:02:20,208 who was willing to marry you and you just threw it away. 52 00:02:20,274 --> 00:02:21,242 And for what? 53 00:02:21,309 --> 00:02:23,211 Okay, you're there. 54 00:02:24,512 --> 00:02:26,314 You want to know why I gave up Mia? 55 00:02:26,380 --> 00:02:28,249 I'll tell you why I gave up Mia. 56 00:02:28,316 --> 00:02:30,083 I gave her up for you. 57 00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:30,684 Oh, oh, for me? Yeah. 58 00:02:30,751 --> 00:02:32,420 Yeah, for you. 59 00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:34,722 She wanted you to move out so we'd have the house 60 00:02:34,788 --> 00:02:36,290 to ourselves, but I said no way. 61 00:02:36,357 --> 00:02:38,559 I am not throwing my brother out on the street. 62 00:02:40,394 --> 00:02:43,130 Wow. 63 00:02:43,197 --> 00:02:44,232 What a loving gesture. 64 00:02:44,298 --> 00:02:46,234 Oh, bite me. 65 00:02:47,568 --> 00:02:48,836 And you know what you did? 66 00:02:48,902 --> 00:02:50,471 You married Candy and moved out anyway. 67 00:02:50,538 --> 00:02:52,340 So if you want to know 68 00:02:52,406 --> 00:02:54,542 why I let the best thing that ever happened to me get away, 69 00:02:54,608 --> 00:02:56,577 it's so the worst thing that could ever happen to me 70 00:02:56,644 --> 00:02:58,579 would have a place to live. 71 00:03:00,414 --> 00:03:02,283 Oh. 72 00:03:02,350 --> 00:03:04,218 (mimics): Oh. 73 00:03:04,285 --> 00:03:06,153 Well, I... 74 00:03:06,220 --> 00:03:08,556 I guess it all worked out for the best, huh? 75 00:03:08,622 --> 00:03:10,291 How do you figure? 76 00:03:10,358 --> 00:03:11,692 Well, think about it. 77 00:03:11,759 --> 00:03:13,827 If Mia had been living here when Candy kicked me out 78 00:03:13,894 --> 00:03:15,263 and I came back... 79 00:03:15,329 --> 00:03:18,366 would've been a very awkward situation. 80 00:03:25,706 --> 00:03:26,907 Oh! 81 00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:33,347 ALAN: Charlie? 82 00:03:34,415 --> 00:03:35,349 Huh? 83 00:03:36,550 --> 00:03:38,319 Oh. Yeah. 84 00:03:38,386 --> 00:03:39,520 Awkward. 85 00:03:41,322 --> 00:03:43,857 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 86 00:03:43,924 --> 00:03:46,860 *Ah. * Men. * 87 00:03:51,265 --> 00:03:53,701 not my psychiatrist. 88 00:03:53,767 --> 00:03:55,936 If I want to bet every single game in the country 89 00:03:56,003 --> 00:04:00,874 with money I don't have, that's my business. 90 00:04:00,941 --> 00:04:02,443 Thank you. 91 00:04:02,510 --> 00:04:05,513 Now, let's talk boxing. 92 00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:07,247 Really? 93 00:04:07,315 --> 00:04:09,783 There's no fights anywhere tonight? 94 00:04:09,850 --> 00:04:11,952 Okay, well, how are you and your wife getting along? 95 00:04:14,355 --> 00:04:15,756 What? It'd be a fair fight. 96 00:04:15,823 --> 00:04:17,925 She's got, like, 50 pounds on you. 97 00:04:19,927 --> 00:04:22,630 Hello? 98 00:04:22,696 --> 00:04:24,365 My luck. I got to have a bookie 99 00:04:24,432 --> 00:04:27,801 who's afraid to fight out of his weight class. 100 00:04:27,868 --> 00:04:29,870 Aren't you a little worried that all this betting 101 00:04:29,937 --> 00:04:30,971 might be turning into a problem? 102 00:04:31,038 --> 00:04:33,273 Alan, if you don't bet big, 103 00:04:33,341 --> 00:04:34,875 you can't cover your losses. 104 00:04:34,942 --> 00:04:36,710 And if you can't cover your losses, 105 00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:38,612 a large man with a tire iron 106 00:04:38,679 --> 00:04:40,481 puts your address into MapQuest, at which point, 107 00:04:40,548 --> 00:04:42,249 you have to sneak across the Mexican border 108 00:04:42,316 --> 00:04:43,951 dressed in women's clothing. 109 00:04:45,919 --> 00:04:48,556 Now that's when you have a problem. 110 00:04:48,622 --> 00:04:50,324 Well, you know best. 111 00:04:50,391 --> 00:04:51,492 You hungry? 112 00:04:51,559 --> 00:04:52,993 I made your favorite sandwich. 113 00:04:53,060 --> 00:04:55,663 Turkey, ham and pastrami. 114 00:04:55,729 --> 00:04:58,699 Gobble. (snorts) (moos) 115 00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:01,769 No, thanks. 116 00:05:01,835 --> 00:05:03,804 Okay. Uh, how about something sweet? 117 00:05:03,871 --> 00:05:04,872 Key lime pie. 118 00:05:04,938 --> 00:05:06,273 Yummy, yummy. 119 00:05:06,340 --> 00:05:09,577 Look, Alan, I appreciate your sucking up, 120 00:05:09,643 --> 00:05:12,380 but you can't fill the gaping wound in my heart 121 00:05:12,446 --> 00:05:14,281 with deli meat. 122 00:05:14,982 --> 00:05:16,884 And pie. 123 00:05:18,819 --> 00:05:20,287 Yummy. 124 00:05:20,354 --> 00:05:22,390 Can't we just leave it alone? 125 00:05:22,456 --> 00:05:24,525 Can we not grind on and on 126 00:05:24,592 --> 00:05:26,994 about the stupidest thing I've ever done? 127 00:05:27,060 --> 00:05:28,629 Okay, okay, I'm sorry I said that. 128 00:05:28,696 --> 00:05:29,997 Giving up Mia was not 129 00:05:30,063 --> 00:05:31,432 the stupidest thing you've ever done. 130 00:05:33,434 --> 00:05:34,835 It certainly wasn't as stupid as when you came back from Rio 131 00:05:34,902 --> 00:05:36,570 with that gorgeous model-- you know, the one 132 00:05:36,637 --> 00:05:38,338 with the Adam's apple and the really big hands? 133 00:05:41,609 --> 00:05:43,611 You know, I'm going to give you some space. 134 00:05:43,677 --> 00:05:46,647 I'll maybe go for a nice drive. 135 00:05:48,916 --> 00:05:51,018 (sighs) 136 00:05:51,084 --> 00:05:52,686 (door opens) 137 00:05:52,753 --> 00:05:54,688 Forgot my keys. 138 00:05:54,755 --> 00:05:56,289 Aah! Oh! 139 00:05:56,356 --> 00:05:57,558 Uh, you know what? 140 00:05:57,625 --> 00:05:59,026 They-They must have slipped out 141 00:05:59,092 --> 00:06:00,994 of my pocket and into the couch. 142 00:06:01,061 --> 00:06:02,996 Um... 143 00:06:03,063 --> 00:06:04,765 Excuse me. Sorry. 144 00:06:04,832 --> 00:06:06,767 (grunting) 145 00:06:08,902 --> 00:06:10,303 Right. Sorry. 146 00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:11,872 (grunting) 147 00:06:11,939 --> 00:06:15,075 Oh. 148 00:06:15,142 --> 00:06:16,376 Found some change. 149 00:06:16,444 --> 00:06:19,547 Oh, uh, look. 150 00:06:19,613 --> 00:06:22,916 Is that a quarter in your ear? 151 00:06:26,086 --> 00:06:27,421 (groaning) 152 00:06:27,488 --> 00:06:29,457 (grunting) 153 00:06:31,158 --> 00:06:33,093 Tada! 154 00:06:34,695 --> 00:06:37,598 Very impressive. 155 00:06:37,665 --> 00:06:39,933 * Men. 156 00:06:41,502 --> 00:06:44,672 MAN: * Hey-eh, he-ee, ya-ah, oh-oh 157 00:06:44,738 --> 00:06:47,475 * Hey-ey, he-ee, ya-ah, oh-oh, oh * 158 00:06:47,541 --> 00:06:50,110 (high-pitched): * Ahh... 159 00:06:50,177 --> 00:06:52,813 (man scat singing scales) 160 00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:54,347 What is that? 161 00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:56,617 Steven Tyler rented the house next door. 162 00:06:56,684 --> 00:06:58,552 (singing continues) 163 00:06:58,619 --> 00:07:00,654 The-The guy from Aerosmith? 164 00:07:00,721 --> 00:07:02,389 I lost my virginity to him. 165 00:07:03,891 --> 00:07:05,559 You-You know, his music. 166 00:07:05,626 --> 00:07:08,596 Thanks. I was confused. 167 00:07:08,662 --> 00:07:12,566 (loud, howling scat singing) 168 00:07:12,633 --> 00:07:15,335 Apparently getting ready for a tour. 169 00:07:15,402 --> 00:07:17,971 So what's...? 170 00:07:18,038 --> 00:07:21,875 (loud scat singing continues) 171 00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:24,144 ...in the box? 172 00:07:24,211 --> 00:07:26,580 Oh, I just went out and picked you up a little something 173 00:07:26,647 --> 00:07:28,081 I thought might put a smile on your face. 174 00:07:28,148 --> 00:07:30,951 Alan, the only thing in this box 175 00:07:31,018 --> 00:07:34,922 that could possibly put a smile on my face is your severed head. 176 00:07:34,988 --> 00:07:38,058 (laughing) 177 00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:39,326 Good one. 178 00:07:39,392 --> 00:07:40,327 Zing! 179 00:07:42,395 --> 00:07:43,731 Come on, open it. 180 00:07:43,797 --> 00:07:45,733 (scat singing continues) 181 00:07:48,001 --> 00:07:49,937 A hat? 182 00:07:50,003 --> 00:07:51,371 A very expensive hat. 183 00:07:51,438 --> 00:07:53,641 Since when do I wear hats? 184 00:07:53,707 --> 00:07:57,110 Well, you don't, but, uh, I saw it, and it seemed so you. 185 00:07:57,177 --> 00:08:00,648 You know, cool, rakish, yet, forgiving. 186 00:08:00,714 --> 00:08:03,651 Okay, fine, I forgive you. 187 00:08:03,717 --> 00:08:05,218 Oh, thanks. Thanks. 188 00:08:05,285 --> 00:08:07,855 Aren't you going to try it on? 189 00:08:07,921 --> 00:08:09,623 No. 190 00:08:09,690 --> 00:08:13,627 If you really forgave me, you'd try it on. 191 00:08:13,694 --> 00:08:15,663 (sighs) (scat singing continues in distance) 192 00:08:15,729 --> 00:08:17,665 Oh, yeah. 193 00:08:17,731 --> 00:08:19,332 That is you. 194 00:08:19,399 --> 00:08:22,035 Let's, uh, let's try tilting it a little bit here. 195 00:08:22,102 --> 00:08:23,403 Oh, baby. 196 00:08:23,470 --> 00:08:25,038 (laughing): You got to see this. 197 00:08:25,105 --> 00:08:27,174 Yeah, come on inside, we'll take a look. 198 00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:29,142 Charlie, you coming? 199 00:08:35,248 --> 00:08:36,817 What's going on? 200 00:08:36,884 --> 00:08:39,186 You should leave, Alan. 201 00:08:39,252 --> 00:08:40,120 Why? 202 00:08:40,187 --> 00:08:42,222 Just trust me. 203 00:08:42,289 --> 00:08:44,524 All right. 204 00:08:44,592 --> 00:08:46,594 (scat singing continues) 205 00:08:57,237 --> 00:08:59,573 (scat singing continues loudly) 206 00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:07,280 Hey, Tyler, take a pause for the cause! 207 00:09:07,347 --> 00:09:10,250 Ah, sorry, man. 208 00:09:10,317 --> 00:09:13,253 (shouting): Thank you and good night! 209 00:09:16,790 --> 00:09:17,825 Hi, Charlie. 210 00:09:17,891 --> 00:09:19,292 Rose. 211 00:09:19,359 --> 00:09:22,963 How cool is it that Steven Tyler moved in next door? 212 00:09:25,165 --> 00:09:27,167 I lost my virginity to him. 213 00:09:27,234 --> 00:09:28,335 You mean his music? 214 00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:30,203 No. 215 00:09:31,304 --> 00:09:33,306 Nice hat. 216 00:09:33,373 --> 00:09:34,875 Thanks. 217 00:09:34,942 --> 00:09:36,610 Boy, you look like hell. 218 00:09:36,677 --> 00:09:40,580 Well, that's strange, 'cause I feel like crap. 219 00:09:40,648 --> 00:09:43,250 How long do you think you can keep it up? 220 00:09:45,318 --> 00:09:47,120 What exactly are we talking about? 221 00:09:47,187 --> 00:09:50,791 The excessive drinking, the obsessive partying, 222 00:09:50,858 --> 00:09:52,225 the compulsive gambling. 223 00:09:52,292 --> 00:09:54,294 Oh. Hard to say. 224 00:09:54,361 --> 00:09:56,930 I try and take it one day at a time. 225 00:09:56,997 --> 00:09:58,732 You do realize 226 00:09:58,799 --> 00:10:01,869 this is all just an attempt to avoid feeling your feelings. 227 00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:04,104 Let me tell you something about feelings. 228 00:10:04,171 --> 00:10:06,339 Feelings are like your mother's breasts. 229 00:10:06,406 --> 00:10:10,210 You know where they are, but they're best left unfelt. 230 00:10:10,277 --> 00:10:12,345 It's an interesting analogy, but may I point out 231 00:10:12,412 --> 00:10:13,914 that a mother's breasts are a source 232 00:10:13,981 --> 00:10:15,348 of nourishment and comfort? 233 00:10:15,415 --> 00:10:18,051 Yeah, well, my mother's breasts were a source 234 00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:20,287 of silicone and Russian vodka. 235 00:10:20,353 --> 00:10:22,289 Not good for child-rearing, 236 00:10:22,355 --> 00:10:25,125 but she was a big hit at parties. 237 00:10:25,192 --> 00:10:28,395 Charlie, I know how much it hurt you to give up Mia, 238 00:10:28,461 --> 00:10:30,798 and I know you don't like that feeling, 239 00:10:30,864 --> 00:10:33,333 but the more you try to get rid of it, 240 00:10:33,400 --> 00:10:36,336 the more it's going to come back. 241 00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:39,106 Oh, yeah. 242 00:10:39,172 --> 00:10:40,974 Perfect fit. 243 00:10:41,041 --> 00:10:43,711 It's like somebody measured your head while you were asleep 244 00:10:43,777 --> 00:10:46,714 so when your brother called she could tell him the size. 245 00:10:52,385 --> 00:10:54,822 * Men. 246 00:10:54,888 --> 00:10:57,691 Hey, Uncle Charlie, guess where I'm finally growing hair. 247 00:11:00,794 --> 00:11:02,796 Come on, man, I'm eating. 248 00:11:02,863 --> 00:11:04,031 Right here. 249 00:11:04,097 --> 00:11:05,665 I'm growing a 'stache. 250 00:11:05,733 --> 00:11:08,001 Oh, yeah. 251 00:11:08,068 --> 00:11:09,369 Look at that. 252 00:11:09,436 --> 00:11:12,672 Hey, cool hat. Whose is it? 253 00:11:13,907 --> 00:11:16,676 Yours. 254 00:11:16,744 --> 00:11:18,411 Really? Yeah. 255 00:11:18,478 --> 00:11:20,247 It looks great with the 'stache. 256 00:11:22,149 --> 00:11:23,383 You know, it just occurred to me 257 00:11:23,450 --> 00:11:24,852 that I have been feeling guilty 258 00:11:24,918 --> 00:11:26,720 because you called off your wedding to Mia 259 00:11:26,787 --> 00:11:28,021 so that I wouldn't have to move out. 260 00:11:28,088 --> 00:11:30,023 But then when I did move out, 261 00:11:30,090 --> 00:11:30,991 you didn't call her. 262 00:11:31,058 --> 00:11:32,359 Yeah, so? 263 00:11:32,425 --> 00:11:34,127 So, you know why I think you didn't call her? 264 00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:35,896 You didn't call her because the whole 265 00:11:35,963 --> 00:11:38,365 I don't want to throw my brother out on the street business 266 00:11:38,431 --> 00:11:39,733 was a very convenient and noble excuse 267 00:11:39,800 --> 00:11:40,801 to get out of the marriage. 268 00:11:40,868 --> 00:11:42,369 That's what you think, huh? 269 00:11:42,435 --> 00:11:44,972 Yes, that's what I think. That's what you think? 270 00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:46,840 You heard me. That's what I think. 271 00:11:46,907 --> 00:11:50,377 Yeah, well... think again. 272 00:11:50,443 --> 00:11:52,179 Admit it, Charlie, I've been beating myself up, 273 00:11:52,245 --> 00:11:53,280 buying you pie and hats 274 00:11:53,346 --> 00:11:55,015 for nothing. 275 00:11:55,082 --> 00:11:58,986 (deep voice): There's pie? 276 00:12:00,854 --> 00:12:02,990 There was. Berta ate it. 277 00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:05,292 And-And... And why is he wearing your hat? 278 00:12:05,358 --> 00:12:06,326 I gave it to him. 279 00:12:06,393 --> 00:12:08,962 I bought this hat for you. 280 00:12:09,029 --> 00:12:11,298 And I gave it to Jake. 281 00:12:11,364 --> 00:12:13,100 You can't commit to anything, can you? 282 00:12:13,166 --> 00:12:14,734 It's just a hat! 283 00:12:14,802 --> 00:12:16,503 It's not just a hat. It's a symbol. 284 00:12:16,569 --> 00:12:17,871 Of what? 285 00:12:17,938 --> 00:12:19,206 Of... 286 00:12:19,272 --> 00:12:21,008 Okay, it's just a hat, but 287 00:12:21,074 --> 00:12:23,143 the point is, you have nobody to blame 288 00:12:23,210 --> 00:12:25,012 for your miserable, lonely existence but yourself. 289 00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:26,947 And you can drink, gamble and hump all you want, 290 00:12:27,014 --> 00:12:29,149 but one day, you're going to have to face that fact. 291 00:12:29,216 --> 00:12:32,352 Drink, gamble and hump! 292 00:12:33,887 --> 00:12:35,388 Yeah, well, I don't have to face anything 293 00:12:35,455 --> 00:12:37,257 I don't want to face, 294 00:12:37,324 --> 00:12:40,260 and I don't have to feel anything I don't want to feel, 295 00:12:40,327 --> 00:12:41,528 and that includes Mom's vodka knockers. 296 00:12:43,296 --> 00:12:47,300 Who is this Vod Kanockers that you speak of? 297 00:12:50,137 --> 00:12:51,805 Eat your dinner. 298 00:12:51,872 --> 00:12:54,875 The name's Kanockers. 299 00:12:54,942 --> 00:12:57,444 Vod Kanockers. 300 00:13:01,348 --> 00:13:03,283 * Men. 301 00:13:12,926 --> 00:13:13,961 Charlie? 302 00:13:14,027 --> 00:13:16,029 Shh. 303 00:13:16,096 --> 00:13:17,430 You okay? 304 00:13:17,497 --> 00:13:19,532 Just dandy. 305 00:13:19,599 --> 00:13:22,936 Would you close the blinds? 306 00:13:23,003 --> 00:13:25,172 Come on, let's get you inside. 307 00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:28,441 Looks like you had a tough night. 308 00:13:28,508 --> 00:13:29,576 (grunts) 309 00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:31,344 No, the night was great. 310 00:13:31,411 --> 00:13:34,114 It's the morning that's killing me. 311 00:13:35,515 --> 00:13:36,816 Hey, Alan? 312 00:13:36,884 --> 00:13:38,185 What? 313 00:13:38,251 --> 00:13:39,853 You were right. 314 00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:43,223 I can't keep running away from my feelings. 315 00:13:43,290 --> 00:13:45,358 Well, I'm glad you realize that. 316 00:13:45,425 --> 00:13:47,260 You're a wonderful brother. 317 00:13:48,261 --> 00:13:51,564 And this is a beautiful hat. 318 00:13:54,434 --> 00:13:56,870 Thank you. 319 00:13:56,937 --> 00:13:59,106 (Charlie retching) 320 00:14:04,311 --> 00:14:05,946 Charlie, you okay? 321 00:14:06,013 --> 00:14:07,847 I'm fine. 322 00:14:07,915 --> 00:14:10,183 The hat's not so good. 323 00:14:10,250 --> 00:14:11,851 * Men. 324 00:14:19,893 --> 00:14:22,896 Hey, Berta, want to see my armpit hair? 325 00:14:24,631 --> 00:14:26,566 Only if you want to see mine. 326 00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:30,170 Hey. 327 00:14:30,237 --> 00:14:32,172 Hey. 328 00:14:34,607 --> 00:14:36,876 You know that's my juice. 329 00:14:36,944 --> 00:14:38,078 I know. 330 00:14:38,145 --> 00:14:39,980 You could at least ask. 331 00:14:40,047 --> 00:14:42,782 You could at least pay rent. 332 00:14:42,849 --> 00:14:45,085 Touché. 333 00:14:45,152 --> 00:14:48,888 (phone ringing) 334 00:14:48,956 --> 00:14:52,225 If that's a bookie or a woman, you know what to say. 335 00:14:52,292 --> 00:14:54,094 Harper residence. 336 00:14:54,161 --> 00:14:57,730 Sorry, he's dead. 337 00:14:59,066 --> 00:15:01,168 Interesting. No one ever calls back 338 00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:03,103 to find out where to send flowers. 339 00:15:04,871 --> 00:15:06,373 Touché. 340 00:15:06,439 --> 00:15:08,175 BERTA: How's it feel to go 341 00:15:08,241 --> 00:15:10,843 a whole week without booze, broads or betting? 342 00:15:10,910 --> 00:15:13,013 It's actually kind of a relief. 343 00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:15,382 I never realized how much effort it took 344 00:15:15,448 --> 00:15:16,950 to avoid feeling anything. 345 00:15:17,017 --> 00:15:19,086 Yeah? Well, what are you feeling now? 346 00:15:19,152 --> 00:15:22,089 So far, mostly nausea and boredom. 347 00:15:22,155 --> 00:15:24,491 Touché. 348 00:15:24,557 --> 00:15:26,226 You don't know what that means, do you? 349 00:15:26,293 --> 00:15:28,361 Not a clue. 350 00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:32,432 Hey, if girls with big boobs work at Hooters, 351 00:15:32,499 --> 00:15:34,901 where do girls with only one leg work at? 352 00:15:37,604 --> 00:15:40,107 Ihop! 353 00:15:48,548 --> 00:15:51,551 That's just cruel. 354 00:15:51,618 --> 00:15:54,387 (chuckling): Actually, it's kind of funny. 355 00:15:54,454 --> 00:15:58,325 Yeah, 'cause they got one leg, they have to hop. 356 00:15:58,391 --> 00:16:00,260 Right. I hop. 357 00:16:00,327 --> 00:16:02,129 (laughing) 358 00:16:02,195 --> 00:16:05,332 Tipping your waitress takes on a whole new meaning. 359 00:16:05,398 --> 00:16:07,134 (laughing) 360 00:16:07,200 --> 00:16:10,303 It's not that funny. 361 00:16:10,370 --> 00:16:11,538 I know. 362 00:16:11,604 --> 00:16:13,373 Then why are you laughing so much? 363 00:16:13,440 --> 00:16:16,976 I don't know. 364 00:16:17,044 --> 00:16:20,513 Dad, something's wrong with Uncle Charlie. 365 00:16:20,580 --> 00:16:22,015 What's going on? 366 00:16:22,082 --> 00:16:23,216 (laughing): Hey, Jake, 367 00:16:23,283 --> 00:16:24,417 tell your dad 368 00:16:24,484 --> 00:16:26,653 how one-legged girls work at Ihop. 369 00:16:30,123 --> 00:16:31,624 Oh, no. 370 00:16:31,691 --> 00:16:33,293 I gave away the joke. 371 00:16:35,162 --> 00:16:38,498 I'm so sorry, Jake. 372 00:16:38,565 --> 00:16:40,633 (voice breaking): I've ruined everything. 373 00:16:42,302 --> 00:16:44,371 Is he okay? 374 00:16:44,437 --> 00:16:47,340 He's fine. His feelings are coming to the surface. 375 00:16:47,407 --> 00:16:49,376 Oh, like when Mom gets PMS. 376 00:16:50,477 --> 00:16:52,412 Well, kind of. 377 00:16:52,479 --> 00:16:53,613 Hang on, Uncle Charlie. 378 00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:55,048 I'll get you some chocolate. 379 00:16:57,617 --> 00:16:59,586 * Men. 380 00:17:01,588 --> 00:17:03,456 What's he making out there? 381 00:17:03,523 --> 00:17:05,058 A lanyard. 382 00:17:05,125 --> 00:17:07,194 He's got a lot of free time now, 383 00:17:07,260 --> 00:17:09,729 so I gave him one of Jake's old hobby kits. 384 00:17:09,796 --> 00:17:12,165 You know, so he'd have something to do. 385 00:17:12,232 --> 00:17:14,167 I'm surprised he's not making a vagina 386 00:17:14,234 --> 00:17:17,437 out of macaroni and bottle caps. 387 00:17:17,504 --> 00:17:20,540 Over, loop, around. 388 00:17:20,607 --> 00:17:24,744 'Round the block and then downtown. 389 00:17:24,811 --> 00:17:27,514 (harmonica playing blues) 390 00:17:31,584 --> 00:17:33,753 Over, over. 391 00:17:33,820 --> 00:17:36,156 Loop, around. 392 00:17:36,223 --> 00:17:40,026 'Round the block, and then... 393 00:17:40,093 --> 00:17:43,663 Yo, dude, some of us are trying to do crafts here! 394 00:17:43,730 --> 00:17:44,964 TYLER: What?! 395 00:17:45,031 --> 00:17:47,734 Can you lay off the harmonica-playing? 396 00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:51,104 Hey, a lot of people pay to see me play harmonica. 397 00:17:51,171 --> 00:17:53,039 They pay to hear you sing. 398 00:17:53,106 --> 00:17:55,475 They tolerate the harmonica! 399 00:17:55,542 --> 00:17:58,778 Sorry I don't measure up to your musical standards, 400 00:17:58,845 --> 00:18:00,713 you lame ass jingle-writer! 401 00:18:00,780 --> 00:18:02,081 All right, let's see 402 00:18:02,149 --> 00:18:04,016 how you play harmonica out your other end. 403 00:18:04,083 --> 00:18:06,619 Now, now, now, now, let's slow down here. Come on. 404 00:18:06,686 --> 00:18:08,688 TYLER: Let's see what you've got, jingle balls. 405 00:18:08,755 --> 00:18:10,056 Okay, I'm gonna rip off your big, fat lips 406 00:18:10,123 --> 00:18:11,057 and use 'em to kiss my ass! 407 00:18:11,124 --> 00:18:12,725 Charlie, please, please. 408 00:18:12,792 --> 00:18:14,994 You know your emotions are a little bit frayed right now. 409 00:18:15,061 --> 00:18:17,664 Right, right. Okay, okay. 410 00:18:17,730 --> 00:18:19,031 I'm better. 411 00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:21,501 (Tyler imitating chicken) 412 00:18:21,568 --> 00:18:22,769 That's it! 413 00:18:22,835 --> 00:18:23,703 No, Charlie. Charlie, wait! 414 00:18:23,770 --> 00:18:25,238 Charlie, don't do this! 415 00:18:25,305 --> 00:18:27,874 CHARLIE: Come on, Tyler, you want a piece of me? 416 00:18:30,143 --> 00:18:32,779 You know, the dude may look like a lady, 417 00:18:32,845 --> 00:18:35,148 but you fight like a little girl. 418 00:18:37,217 --> 00:18:40,086 Did it ever occur to you to help me out? 419 00:18:40,153 --> 00:18:42,121 Well, yeah, but once you were cowering 420 00:18:42,189 --> 00:18:45,158 under his picnic table, I figured the worst was over. 421 00:18:45,225 --> 00:18:48,728 Oh, quick thinking squirting that bottle of sunblock at him. 422 00:18:48,795 --> 00:18:51,931 I was hoping it would get in his eyes and blind him. 423 00:18:51,998 --> 00:18:53,733 Yeah, well, all you did was keep him 424 00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:56,002 from getting a nasty burn while he beat the crap out of you. 425 00:18:56,068 --> 00:18:59,105 Please, Alan, I'm begging you. 426 00:18:59,172 --> 00:19:02,141 Okay. It's not right to kick a man when he's down. 427 00:19:02,209 --> 00:19:03,843 Thanks. 428 00:19:05,812 --> 00:19:08,215 Too bad Steven Tyler didn't feel that way, huh? 429 00:19:12,685 --> 00:19:14,254 You were right about Mia. 430 00:19:15,888 --> 00:19:18,825 I got cold feet, so I used you as an excuse 431 00:19:18,891 --> 00:19:20,293 to call off the wedding. 432 00:19:22,695 --> 00:19:25,998 I am so proud of you, Charlie. 433 00:19:26,065 --> 00:19:28,568 This-This is a real breakthrough. 434 00:19:28,635 --> 00:19:29,869 Doesn't it feel liberating 435 00:19:29,936 --> 00:19:32,004 to finally hear yourself admit the truth? 436 00:19:32,071 --> 00:19:34,173 Well, I feel something. 437 00:19:34,241 --> 00:19:37,076 But since I'm also hearing a high-pitched whistle, 438 00:19:37,143 --> 00:19:39,145 it might just be a concussion. 439 00:19:39,212 --> 00:19:40,913 * Men. 440 00:19:46,953 --> 00:19:50,056 What you making? 441 00:19:50,122 --> 00:19:53,125 A needlepoint sampler. 442 00:19:53,192 --> 00:19:54,794 No kidding. 443 00:19:54,861 --> 00:20:00,233 I find it very calming, and the message helps center me. 444 00:20:00,300 --> 00:20:01,934 "God bless Vicoden?" 445 00:20:02,001 --> 00:20:04,404 Pretty good, huh? 446 00:20:04,471 --> 00:20:06,839 You spelled Vicodin wrong. 447 00:20:06,906 --> 00:20:10,209 (knock at door) 448 00:20:10,277 --> 00:20:12,144 That's the great thing about Vicodin. 449 00:20:12,211 --> 00:20:15,214 I don't care. 450 00:20:16,215 --> 00:20:18,285 Hey, is Charlie here? 451 00:20:26,459 --> 00:20:29,796 Uh, who may I say is calling? 452 00:20:31,464 --> 00:20:33,065 It's okay, Alan. 453 00:20:33,132 --> 00:20:35,268 Hey, Chazz, thanks for the gift. 454 00:20:35,335 --> 00:20:36,303 You're welcome. 455 00:20:36,369 --> 00:20:38,070 So no hard feelings? 456 00:20:38,137 --> 00:20:39,171 Nah. You? 457 00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:41,107 Why would I have hard feelings? 458 00:20:41,173 --> 00:20:44,944 I'm still pickin' pieces of your ass out of my boot. 459 00:20:45,011 --> 00:20:47,414 Good one. 460 00:20:47,480 --> 00:20:50,016 Okay, well, 461 00:20:50,082 --> 00:20:51,117 good luck with the tour. 462 00:20:51,183 --> 00:20:53,185 Thanks a lot, man. 463 00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:55,722 Who's the sponsor? Metamucil? 464 00:20:55,788 --> 00:20:57,023 What was that? 465 00:20:57,089 --> 00:20:59,692 Nothing, nothing. 466 00:21:03,262 --> 00:21:06,333 Um, I just want to say, I'm a huge fan. 467 00:21:06,399 --> 00:21:08,768 Um, I lost my virginity to you. Really? 468 00:21:08,835 --> 00:21:10,370 Well, you know, 469 00:21:10,437 --> 00:21:13,039 there's a lot of the '70s I don't remember. 470 00:21:21,514 --> 00:21:23,249 Isn't that the hat I got you? 471 00:21:23,316 --> 00:21:24,384 Yeah. 472 00:21:24,451 --> 00:21:27,286 The hat you threw up in? 473 00:21:27,354 --> 00:21:28,588 I had it cleaned... 474 00:21:28,655 --> 00:21:31,558 but I'll always know.