1 00:00:02,436 --> 00:00:04,372 Hello...? 2 00:00:07,775 --> 00:00:09,743 Anybody...? 3 00:00:11,845 --> 00:00:14,615 Big news! 4 00:00:14,682 --> 00:00:16,917 I'm gonna marry Mia! 5 00:00:16,984 --> 00:00:18,686 ( water running ) Hey, Alan! 6 00:00:18,752 --> 00:00:20,321 I'm in the shower. 7 00:00:20,388 --> 00:00:22,290 Guess what I'm gonna do with Mia. 8 00:00:22,356 --> 00:00:26,026 Guess what I'm already doing with Kandi. 9 00:00:27,061 --> 00:00:28,796 That's not fair, Alan, 10 00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:30,164 you have to give him a hint. 11 00:00:30,231 --> 00:00:32,166 He doesn't need a hint. 12 00:00:32,233 --> 00:00:35,136 Well, then how's he supposed to guess? 13 00:00:36,970 --> 00:00:39,073 Oh, well. 14 00:00:41,008 --> 00:00:44,512 Oh, a place to hang my wash cloth. 15 00:00:44,578 --> 00:00:47,581 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 16 00:00:47,648 --> 00:00:50,718 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 17 00:00:52,753 --> 00:00:56,490 is that the price should equal three months salary. 18 00:00:56,557 --> 00:00:57,358 Ouch. 19 00:00:57,425 --> 00:00:59,460 Wonder what broad came up with that? 20 00:00:59,527 --> 00:01:02,630 It wasn't a broad, it was a marketing scheme 21 00:01:02,696 --> 00:01:05,032 dreamed up by the international diamond cartel. 22 00:01:05,099 --> 00:01:07,201 Probably a bunch of chicks. 23 00:01:08,702 --> 00:01:10,938 But at least diamonds are forever, right? 24 00:01:11,004 --> 00:01:12,273 Oh, yeah, forever. 25 00:01:12,340 --> 00:01:14,175 My ex-wife still has hers. 26 00:01:14,242 --> 00:01:16,110 Meanwhile, I'm wearing mismatched socks 27 00:01:16,177 --> 00:01:18,146 from the irregular bin. 28 00:01:18,212 --> 00:01:20,981 Well, Mia and I are going to go the distance-- 29 00:01:21,048 --> 00:01:22,583 15, maybe 20 years. 30 00:01:22,650 --> 00:01:24,585 That's not the distance. 31 00:01:24,652 --> 00:01:26,354 The distance is death. 32 00:01:26,420 --> 00:01:29,723 Hey, if I'm still married after 20 years, kill me. 33 00:01:30,758 --> 00:01:32,826 I can't believe you're doing this at all. 34 00:01:32,893 --> 00:01:33,861 Why not? 35 00:01:33,927 --> 00:01:35,129 Why shouldn't someone like me 36 00:01:35,196 --> 00:01:36,364 settle down with a wife and kids? 37 00:01:36,430 --> 00:01:38,366 Boy, I don't know where to start. 38 00:01:39,567 --> 00:01:41,969 That's the old Charlie you're thinking of. 39 00:01:42,035 --> 00:01:43,304 Oh, okay. 40 00:01:43,371 --> 00:01:46,340 And to whom am I speaking now? 41 00:01:46,407 --> 00:01:48,576 May I help you, gentlemen? Yeah. 42 00:01:48,642 --> 00:01:50,043 We're looking for an engagement ring. 43 00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:51,612 How nice. 44 00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:54,482 Do you have anything in mind? 45 00:01:54,548 --> 00:01:56,817 Ah... 46 00:01:58,186 --> 00:01:59,887 Nothing ostentatious. 47 00:01:59,953 --> 00:02:01,021 Something in a brilliant cut, 48 00:02:01,088 --> 00:02:03,123 perhaps with complementary baguettes. 49 00:02:03,191 --> 00:02:05,959 Size isn't as important as color and clarity. 50 00:02:06,026 --> 00:02:08,762 Well, someone knows what he wants. 51 00:02:11,199 --> 00:02:13,066 What can I say? 52 00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:15,903 He's my life. 53 00:02:17,605 --> 00:02:20,241 * Men... 54 00:02:20,308 --> 00:02:22,310 So basically, I asked her to marry me 55 00:02:22,376 --> 00:02:24,077 and she said yes. 56 00:02:24,144 --> 00:02:25,779 Huh. 57 00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:29,517 What do you think about that, Jake? 58 00:02:29,583 --> 00:02:30,518 Good. 59 00:02:30,584 --> 00:02:32,586 That's it? Good? 60 00:02:32,653 --> 00:02:34,222 It's not good? 61 00:02:34,288 --> 00:02:35,689 No, it's good. 62 00:02:35,756 --> 00:02:37,858 That's what I said. 63 00:02:38,926 --> 00:02:40,628 All right, I'm full. 64 00:02:41,929 --> 00:02:45,199 He wears his little heart on his sleeve, doesn't he? 65 00:02:45,266 --> 00:02:46,500 Ah, it's my own fault. 66 00:02:46,567 --> 00:02:50,804 I should've known better than to talk to him at feeding time. 67 00:02:50,871 --> 00:02:52,105 ( knocking on door ) 68 00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:54,375 Charlie, I need to speak to you. 69 00:02:54,442 --> 00:02:57,378 I'll be right out, Rose. 70 00:02:58,912 --> 00:03:00,314 Did you tell her? 71 00:03:00,381 --> 00:03:00,981 Of course not. 72 00:03:01,048 --> 00:03:02,783 Would you? No. 73 00:03:02,850 --> 00:03:03,917 I'll let you be my best man. 74 00:03:03,984 --> 00:03:05,052 You mean I'm not? 75 00:03:05,118 --> 00:03:06,754 Well, you're on the short list, 76 00:03:06,820 --> 00:03:08,222 but this could cinch it. 77 00:03:08,289 --> 00:03:09,723 Come on, Charlie, that woman 78 00:03:09,790 --> 00:03:11,592 has been obsessed with you for years. 79 00:03:11,659 --> 00:03:13,894 She's gonna find out about your engagement sooner or later. 80 00:03:13,961 --> 00:03:15,329 Let it come from you. 81 00:03:16,664 --> 00:03:17,631 Yeah, I guess. 82 00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:18,866 Besides, she has a boyfriend now. 83 00:03:18,932 --> 00:03:20,868 She probably won't even care. Probably not. 84 00:03:20,934 --> 00:03:22,370 So why won't you tell her? 85 00:03:22,436 --> 00:03:24,872 Because if I want my eyebrows shaved, 86 00:03:24,938 --> 00:03:26,440 I'll shave them myself. 87 00:03:29,677 --> 00:03:32,079 Hey, Rosey Rose. 88 00:03:32,145 --> 00:03:34,715 What's up, Rosey Rose? 89 00:03:34,782 --> 00:03:36,450 Gordon dumped me. 90 00:03:36,517 --> 00:03:38,786 Oh, damn it to hell. 91 00:03:38,852 --> 00:03:41,522 I know, it's awful. 92 00:03:42,856 --> 00:03:43,924 How could he do this? 93 00:03:43,991 --> 00:03:45,959 He said he couldn't be with me anymore 94 00:03:46,026 --> 00:03:48,061 knowing that I'm still in love with you. 95 00:03:48,128 --> 00:03:51,432 Oh, no. No, no, no, no. 96 00:03:51,499 --> 00:03:52,800 Yes, yes, yes, yes. 97 00:03:55,903 --> 00:03:58,138 Listen, Rose... 98 00:03:58,205 --> 00:03:59,940 there's something I have to tell you. 99 00:04:00,007 --> 00:04:00,674 Is it good news? 100 00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:02,743 I could use some good news. 101 00:04:04,645 --> 00:04:06,914 Well... 102 00:04:06,980 --> 00:04:08,616 you remember Mia? 103 00:04:08,682 --> 00:04:10,651 Yeah. Ugh. 104 00:04:10,718 --> 00:04:13,020 Don't tell me you're dating her again. 105 00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:14,254 No, no, no. We're not dating. 106 00:04:14,322 --> 00:04:17,991 Good. 'Cause I always thought she was kind of a head case. 107 00:04:18,058 --> 00:04:22,229 ( chuckling ) 108 00:04:22,296 --> 00:04:27,668 Look, the thing is I'm gonna kind of marry her. 109 00:04:31,138 --> 00:04:33,006 Rose? 110 00:04:34,908 --> 00:04:35,776 Did you hear me? 111 00:04:35,843 --> 00:04:37,445 I heard you. 112 00:04:37,511 --> 00:04:39,112 You're going to marry Mia. 113 00:04:39,179 --> 00:04:41,114 So... 114 00:04:41,181 --> 00:04:42,149 are you okay? 115 00:04:42,215 --> 00:04:43,317 Sure. 116 00:04:43,384 --> 00:04:45,052 Why wouldn't I be okay? 117 00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:47,521 Well, I-I-I was afraid the news 118 00:04:47,588 --> 00:04:49,757 might come as a bit of a shock to you. 119 00:04:49,823 --> 00:04:53,861 Afraid? There's nothing to be afraid of, Charlie. 120 00:04:53,927 --> 00:04:55,863 You're my friend. 121 00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:00,300 Where are you going? 122 00:05:00,368 --> 00:05:02,370 I have things to do. 123 00:05:02,436 --> 00:05:05,939 What kind of things? Things. 124 00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:08,876 Good-bye, Charlie. 125 00:05:11,912 --> 00:05:13,046 Hello, Alan. 126 00:05:13,113 --> 00:05:14,582 Hello. 127 00:05:19,286 --> 00:05:22,823 Did she just use the front door? 128 00:05:22,890 --> 00:05:24,558 Uh-huh. 129 00:05:24,625 --> 00:05:27,227 She's never used the front door before. 130 00:05:27,294 --> 00:05:30,097 Nuh-uh. 131 00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:31,098 What happened out there? 132 00:05:31,164 --> 00:05:33,133 Well, I-I told her I was going to marry Mia, 133 00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:38,305 and I think I could actually see her medication stop working. 134 00:05:38,372 --> 00:05:39,773 Whoa. 135 00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:42,643 What do you think she's going to do? 136 00:05:42,710 --> 00:05:46,547 The question isn't what, it's when... 137 00:05:46,614 --> 00:05:48,716 and how I'm going to enjoy my honeymoon 138 00:05:48,782 --> 00:05:52,420 with my testicles glued to my ass crack. 139 00:05:54,822 --> 00:05:56,424 * Men... 140 00:05:56,490 --> 00:05:57,458 That's a pretty wedding gown. 141 00:05:57,525 --> 00:05:59,059 Oh, yeah. 142 00:05:59,126 --> 00:06:01,529 I could probably crawl under there during the reception 143 00:06:01,595 --> 00:06:03,063 and no one would have a clue. 144 00:06:04,465 --> 00:06:07,034 Well, you would. 145 00:06:07,100 --> 00:06:08,636 Stop. 146 00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:11,505 I don't think you'd say that. 147 00:06:11,572 --> 00:06:13,073 Isn't it beautiful? 148 00:06:13,140 --> 00:06:14,942 You know, they say you're supposed to spend 149 00:06:15,008 --> 00:06:16,410 three months salary, but I went four. 150 00:06:16,477 --> 00:06:17,778 Because I'm worth it? 151 00:06:17,845 --> 00:06:20,648 No, actually, I had a slow first quarter. 152 00:06:21,582 --> 00:06:22,883 Hey, my dad called today. 153 00:06:22,950 --> 00:06:25,453 He wants to take your family out for a nice dinner. 154 00:06:25,519 --> 00:06:26,554 Yeah, well, tell him 155 00:06:26,620 --> 00:06:29,156 he can have one or the other, but not both. 156 00:06:29,222 --> 00:06:30,123 Come on, Charlie, 157 00:06:30,190 --> 00:06:31,959 they're going to have to meet sooner or later. 158 00:06:32,025 --> 00:06:35,629 Okay, but why don't we wait for a real happy occasion? 159 00:06:35,696 --> 00:06:36,830 What's happier than a wedding? 160 00:06:36,897 --> 00:06:40,534 Well, my mother's funeral springs to mind. 161 00:06:40,601 --> 00:06:42,235 There'll be music, dancing, 162 00:06:42,302 --> 00:06:44,572 my mom will be in a box. 163 00:06:47,207 --> 00:06:48,776 That's a gorgeous wedding cake. 164 00:06:48,842 --> 00:06:50,544 It's okay. I'm not big 165 00:06:50,611 --> 00:06:52,746 on having the little action figures on top. 166 00:06:52,813 --> 00:06:54,482 They kind of creep me out. 167 00:06:54,548 --> 00:06:55,649 They're traditional. 168 00:06:55,716 --> 00:06:56,917 Hey, this is our wedding. 169 00:06:56,984 --> 00:06:58,351 We can do whatever we want. 170 00:06:58,418 --> 00:07:00,053 We don't even have to have cake. 171 00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:02,389 We can have... pie. 172 00:07:02,456 --> 00:07:04,892 A wedding pie? 173 00:07:04,958 --> 00:07:06,960 Well, we'll probably need more than one. 174 00:07:07,027 --> 00:07:09,530 You know, so everybody gets some crust. 175 00:07:11,064 --> 00:07:14,267 Alan, what do you think about a wedding with no cake? 176 00:07:14,334 --> 00:07:15,202 No cake? 177 00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:17,671 Where would you put the little bride and groom? 178 00:07:17,738 --> 00:07:21,642 I can think of one place. 179 00:07:21,709 --> 00:07:24,044 Charlie, if you're going to do a wedding, do it right. 180 00:07:24,111 --> 00:07:24,912 Thank you, Alan. 181 00:07:24,978 --> 00:07:26,714 You're welcome. Oh, which reminds me... 182 00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:28,015 I just found my old wedding folder 183 00:07:28,081 --> 00:07:28,982 and guess what was in it? 184 00:07:29,049 --> 00:07:32,452 The claim check for your manhood? 185 00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:35,723 As I was saying, it's all here, 186 00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:37,891 everything you could possibly need for your big day-- 187 00:07:37,958 --> 00:07:40,060 from paper samples for your announcements 188 00:07:40,127 --> 00:07:41,895 to selected verses of romantic poetry 189 00:07:41,962 --> 00:07:43,597 well-suited for wedding vows. 190 00:07:43,664 --> 00:07:47,434 And you wonder why people think you're gay. 191 00:07:47,501 --> 00:07:49,236 Oh, shush. 192 00:07:49,302 --> 00:07:50,804 Now you're talking cake, 193 00:07:50,871 --> 00:07:52,573 but we are light-years away from cake. 194 00:07:52,640 --> 00:07:54,742 First, we have to discuss the budget, 195 00:07:54,808 --> 00:07:55,943 the venue, how many guests, 196 00:07:56,009 --> 00:07:58,178 is it going to be a sit- down dinner or a buffet? 197 00:07:58,245 --> 00:07:59,880 Then you need to hire a photographer 198 00:07:59,947 --> 00:08:02,482 and a videographer, then a florist. 199 00:08:02,550 --> 00:08:04,151 Have you even thought about flowers? 200 00:08:04,217 --> 00:08:06,219 Well, lilies are nice. 201 00:08:06,286 --> 00:08:07,621 Oh, lilies are perfect 202 00:08:07,688 --> 00:08:10,023 if the bride and groom are recently deceased. 203 00:08:14,027 --> 00:08:15,128 But I like lilies. 204 00:08:15,195 --> 00:08:18,198 Mia, we will never get through this if you don't focus. 205 00:08:18,265 --> 00:08:20,067 Uh, now... 206 00:08:20,133 --> 00:08:21,034 wedding party. 207 00:08:21,101 --> 00:08:22,936 Bridesmaids, what are they wearing? 208 00:08:23,003 --> 00:08:25,773 I suggest an unflattering style in a hideous color, 209 00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:28,241 because after all, this is your day. 210 00:08:28,308 --> 00:08:29,910 Oh, oh, and before I forget, 211 00:08:29,977 --> 00:08:32,179 although it's not politically correct to throw rice, 212 00:08:32,245 --> 00:08:34,014 if you throw birdseed, you run the risk 213 00:08:34,081 --> 00:08:36,784 of your wedding ending like a Hitchcock movie. 214 00:08:40,487 --> 00:08:42,556 What kind of pie did you have in mind? 215 00:08:42,623 --> 00:08:47,127 Well, look who's here, the bride of Drunkenstein. 216 00:08:48,428 --> 00:08:51,732 Wow, that's quite a rock. 217 00:08:51,799 --> 00:08:53,066 You know what we call babes 218 00:08:53,133 --> 00:08:55,268 with rings like that in my neighborhood? 219 00:08:55,335 --> 00:08:57,905 Stumpy. 220 00:08:59,439 --> 00:09:00,407 What are you looking at me for? 221 00:09:00,473 --> 00:09:03,243 Just stay out of her neighborhood. 222 00:09:06,479 --> 00:09:07,347 That was uncomfortable. 223 00:09:07,414 --> 00:09:08,649 No, 224 00:09:08,716 --> 00:09:12,152 sand in my urethra is uncomfortable. 225 00:09:12,219 --> 00:09:15,823 That meal was a freaking disaster. 226 00:09:17,524 --> 00:09:19,459 I'm going to stay with my family, 227 00:09:19,526 --> 00:09:20,493 try and calm my mother down. 228 00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:23,230 The miserable bitch. 229 00:09:23,296 --> 00:09:25,365 Your family hates me, don't they? 230 00:09:25,432 --> 00:09:27,467 Not just you. 231 00:09:27,534 --> 00:09:29,903 I'll call you later. 232 00:09:33,707 --> 00:09:35,843 Do you believe your future mother-in-law? 233 00:09:35,909 --> 00:09:38,846 Shows up at a four-star restaurant wearing a track suit 234 00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:43,316 with the word "juicy" stretched across her half-acre ass. 235 00:09:43,383 --> 00:09:45,352 I can read, Mom. 236 00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:48,555 Can we go back? I forgot my doggie bag. 237 00:09:48,622 --> 00:09:50,791 We can never go back, Jake. 238 00:09:50,858 --> 00:09:53,493 Oh, come on, it's not the end of the world. 239 00:09:53,560 --> 00:09:54,594 Easy for you to say, 240 00:09:54,662 --> 00:09:57,297 you're not marrying into the Addams family. 241 00:09:58,632 --> 00:09:59,900 Oh, like you were a prize. 242 00:09:59,967 --> 00:10:03,704 Slipping a prenuptial agreement into my fiancee's menu?! 243 00:10:03,771 --> 00:10:06,073 I am just trying to protect you 244 00:10:06,139 --> 00:10:08,742 from being wiped out by a vindictive ex-wife 245 00:10:08,809 --> 00:10:10,811 who will use your hard-earned money 246 00:10:10,878 --> 00:10:14,581 to finance her frivolous life of partying and shopping 247 00:10:14,648 --> 00:10:16,616 and unnecessary plastic surgery. 248 00:10:16,684 --> 00:10:18,085 Um, Mom...? 249 00:10:18,151 --> 00:10:21,655 Every one of my surgeries was necessary. 250 00:10:21,722 --> 00:10:23,791 And if I had signed a prenup, 251 00:10:23,857 --> 00:10:26,126 you would never have gone to music camp... 252 00:10:26,193 --> 00:10:27,828 and Alan would have an overbite 253 00:10:27,895 --> 00:10:30,330 you could use to open a can of Pennzoil. 254 00:10:31,832 --> 00:10:34,935 I didn't know Mia's last name was Addams. 255 00:10:35,002 --> 00:10:37,637 I didn't know her sister's a cop. 256 00:10:37,705 --> 00:10:38,806 Was a cop. 257 00:10:38,872 --> 00:10:44,177 Now she's a dry drunk with a grudge and a .38. 258 00:10:44,244 --> 00:10:46,413 Well, I liked her. 259 00:10:46,479 --> 00:10:50,583 Well, that's because she had the same haircut as you. 260 00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:51,618 I was a little shocked 261 00:10:51,685 --> 00:10:53,854 that her father stuck you with the bill. 262 00:10:53,921 --> 00:10:55,288 You know why you noticed that? 263 00:10:55,355 --> 00:10:57,624 Because the two of you practically trampled each other 264 00:10:57,691 --> 00:10:58,959 trying to get to the men's room 265 00:10:59,026 --> 00:11:01,829 when you saw the waiter bringing it. 266 00:11:01,895 --> 00:11:05,498 I drank a lot of iced tea. 267 00:11:05,565 --> 00:11:07,868 Well, I had a very nice time. 268 00:11:07,935 --> 00:11:09,703 Sure. You got to inform my bride-to-be 269 00:11:09,770 --> 00:11:10,938 and her entire family 270 00:11:11,004 --> 00:11:13,406 that you had sex with me before you had sex with him. 271 00:11:13,473 --> 00:11:17,610 I was just telling Mia I know how lucky she is. 272 00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:21,248 Nevertheless, honey, it was not an appropriate toast. 273 00:11:22,816 --> 00:11:26,253 Juicy-pants almost choked to death on her lamb shank. 274 00:11:26,319 --> 00:11:27,888 Well, in all fairness, 275 00:11:27,955 --> 00:11:31,124 the woman was stuffing her face like a musket. 276 00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:33,794 All I can say is, after tonight's little fiasco, 277 00:11:33,861 --> 00:11:35,028 I'm going to have to completely rethink 278 00:11:35,095 --> 00:11:37,130 the seating chart for the wedding. 279 00:11:37,197 --> 00:11:39,266 Yeah, well, it won't be that complicated. 280 00:11:39,332 --> 00:11:40,000 Why not? 281 00:11:40,067 --> 00:11:42,335 Because none of you are invited. 282 00:11:43,737 --> 00:11:44,972 * Men... 283 00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:47,540 Well, Mom, if you wear an animal-print track suit 284 00:11:47,607 --> 00:11:50,944 to a nice restaurant, people are gonna make comments. 285 00:11:51,011 --> 00:11:54,314 I agree. Calling you "a cougar with arm fat" 286 00:11:54,381 --> 00:11:56,249 was over the line. 287 00:11:56,316 --> 00:11:57,250 ( knocking ) 288 00:11:57,317 --> 00:11:58,451 Hang on. 289 00:12:03,423 --> 00:12:06,359 Hello, Mia. 290 00:12:06,426 --> 00:12:08,028 I'll call you back. 291 00:12:15,302 --> 00:12:17,737 * Men... 292 00:12:17,805 --> 00:12:21,141 You don't think Mia's gonna turn into her mother, do you? 293 00:12:21,208 --> 00:12:22,776 I wouldn't worry about it. 294 00:12:22,843 --> 00:12:24,011 Yeah. 295 00:12:24,077 --> 00:12:25,245 What I would worry about 296 00:12:25,312 --> 00:12:28,615 is you turning her into our mother. 297 00:12:28,681 --> 00:12:31,551 Thanks for ruining my wedding night, Dr. Freud. 298 00:12:31,618 --> 00:12:34,254 Hey, hey, don't set the bar too high for the wedding night. 299 00:12:34,321 --> 00:12:35,355 What're you talking about? 300 00:12:35,422 --> 00:12:37,490 Well, it's a long, stressful day. 301 00:12:37,557 --> 00:12:38,525 You'll be exhausted, 302 00:12:38,591 --> 00:12:41,561 full of banquet food and cheap champagne. 303 00:12:41,628 --> 00:12:42,996 Take my advice. 304 00:12:43,063 --> 00:12:44,164 Tell her you love her, 305 00:12:44,231 --> 00:12:46,333 give her a big kiss and try to fall asleep 306 00:12:46,399 --> 00:12:49,937 with your ass pointed toward an open window. 307 00:12:54,141 --> 00:12:57,911 You, sir, have the heart of a poet. 308 00:12:59,246 --> 00:13:04,117 I am merely the voice of smelly experience. 309 00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:09,322 Well, let me ask you this. 310 00:13:09,389 --> 00:13:12,592 I know things didn't end well with you and Judith, 311 00:13:12,659 --> 00:13:15,695 but overall, did you, did you like being married? 312 00:13:15,762 --> 00:13:17,197 Oh, I loved being married. 313 00:13:17,264 --> 00:13:19,399 You never missed having sex with other women? 314 00:13:19,466 --> 00:13:22,836 Sure. But I missed that before I got married, too. 315 00:13:24,071 --> 00:13:26,606 What I loved was the idea of having someone 316 00:13:26,673 --> 00:13:28,075 that I could always turn to, 317 00:13:28,141 --> 00:13:29,609 someone who, who, who cared about me, 318 00:13:29,676 --> 00:13:33,480 someone who'd always stand by me through thick and thin. 319 00:13:33,546 --> 00:13:34,614 It does sound nice. 320 00:13:34,681 --> 00:13:39,052 Yeah. So does Disneyland. 321 00:13:39,119 --> 00:13:41,688 Yet every day people stagger off those giant tea cups 322 00:13:41,754 --> 00:13:43,924 covered in vomit. 323 00:13:46,860 --> 00:13:48,695 But you'd... you'd do it again? 324 00:13:48,761 --> 00:13:49,729 What can I say? 325 00:13:49,796 --> 00:13:51,698 Marriage is a great ride... 326 00:13:51,764 --> 00:13:53,033 till you puke. 327 00:13:54,701 --> 00:13:56,803 Good night. 328 00:13:56,870 --> 00:13:58,972 Good night. 329 00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:04,677 ( knocking ) 330 00:14:04,744 --> 00:14:06,746 MIA: Charlie!? 331 00:14:06,813 --> 00:14:08,148 Mia? 332 00:14:10,283 --> 00:14:13,753 Your friend Rose was just at my apartment. 333 00:14:13,820 --> 00:14:17,557 Ohh... 334 00:14:17,624 --> 00:14:18,791 So, how'd that go? 335 00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:20,160 She was wearing a bridal gown. 336 00:14:20,227 --> 00:14:21,628 She's planning on wearing it to our 337 00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:24,764 wedding and she wanted me to know so we wouldn't clash. 338 00:14:24,831 --> 00:14:27,700 Well, that's kinda thoughtful, isn't it? 339 00:14:27,767 --> 00:14:28,969 I'm not finished. 340 00:14:29,036 --> 00:14:30,870 She wanted to give me a shower. 341 00:14:30,938 --> 00:14:32,239 An engagement shower? 342 00:14:32,305 --> 00:14:34,841 An actual soap- and-water shower. 343 00:14:34,908 --> 00:14:36,843 Ohh... 344 00:14:36,910 --> 00:14:38,946 I don't want her at my wedding. 345 00:14:39,012 --> 00:14:40,948 Hey, I don't want her in my zip code. 346 00:14:41,014 --> 00:14:42,882 But she's a close friend. 347 00:14:42,950 --> 00:14:43,917 Charlie. 348 00:14:43,984 --> 00:14:44,918 All right, all right, all right. 349 00:14:44,985 --> 00:14:47,287 I'll tell you what... 350 00:14:47,354 --> 00:14:49,389 I'll cross Rose off the guest list 351 00:14:49,456 --> 00:14:51,959 if you dump that pistol- packin' hermaphrodite 352 00:14:52,025 --> 00:14:53,526 you call a sister. 353 00:14:53,593 --> 00:14:56,763 She's my maid of honor, the gun is registered 354 00:14:56,829 --> 00:14:58,331 and she's taking hormones. 355 00:15:00,067 --> 00:15:01,001 While we're pruning the guest list, 356 00:15:01,068 --> 00:15:02,069 what about your mother? 357 00:15:02,135 --> 00:15:04,204 Done. She's out. Now your mother. 358 00:15:04,271 --> 00:15:06,039 It's not the same thing. You would've 359 00:15:06,106 --> 00:15:07,107 thrown your mother overboard for free. 360 00:15:07,174 --> 00:15:09,109 I don't care. If she goes, 361 00:15:09,176 --> 00:15:10,978 somebody on your side's gotta go. 362 00:15:11,044 --> 00:15:12,012 How about your father? 363 00:15:12,079 --> 00:15:13,580 He takes us all out to dinner 364 00:15:13,646 --> 00:15:16,549 and the only plastic he's got on him is his shoes. 365 00:15:16,616 --> 00:15:19,686 Charlie, he has to give me away at the wedding. 366 00:15:19,752 --> 00:15:20,087 Give you away? 367 00:15:20,153 --> 00:15:21,454 That cheapskate? 368 00:15:21,521 --> 00:15:23,090 I'll probably have to trade him a pony 369 00:15:23,156 --> 00:15:25,158 and a couple of blankets for you. 370 00:15:25,225 --> 00:15:26,259 So what are we saying? 371 00:15:26,326 --> 00:15:27,627 That we're gonna have a wedding 372 00:15:27,694 --> 00:15:30,097 that none of our family and friends can attend? 373 00:15:30,163 --> 00:15:31,531 We might as well just go 374 00:15:31,598 --> 00:15:33,400 to Vegas and elope. 375 00:15:37,804 --> 00:15:40,040 Now there's an interesting concept. 376 00:15:40,107 --> 00:15:42,942 In Vegas, not only could we get married immediately, 377 00:15:43,010 --> 00:15:46,046 we can get drunk and gamble away our nest egg. 378 00:15:46,113 --> 00:15:48,815 Don't forget the lap dances and hookers. 379 00:15:48,881 --> 00:15:51,484 Oh, you're gonna make a great wife. 380 00:15:54,587 --> 00:15:56,489 * Men... 381 00:16:02,029 --> 00:16:05,365 All the wonderful plans I had for a wedding... 382 00:16:05,432 --> 00:16:07,867 Let it go, Alan. 383 00:16:07,934 --> 00:16:10,037 I don't understand the big rush. 384 00:16:10,103 --> 00:16:12,572 You wouldn't even stop for boutonnieres. 385 00:16:13,940 --> 00:16:16,109 I just wanna get this over with. 386 00:16:16,176 --> 00:16:17,210 Get this over with? 387 00:16:17,277 --> 00:16:18,311 That's the attitude you take 388 00:16:18,378 --> 00:16:20,913 to a proctologist, not a marriage. 389 00:16:20,980 --> 00:16:23,150 Well, maybe I'm just a little nervous. 390 00:16:23,216 --> 00:16:23,750 Is that all it is? 391 00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:25,085 What are you saying? 392 00:16:25,152 --> 00:16:27,854 I'm saying that if you're feeling uneasy, 393 00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:29,222 maybe you're not ready for this. 394 00:16:29,289 --> 00:16:31,191 Did you have doubts when you got married? 395 00:16:31,258 --> 00:16:34,361 None. Judith assured me I was doing the right thing. 396 00:16:34,427 --> 00:16:37,564 KANDI: * Here comes the bride * 397 00:16:37,630 --> 00:16:39,499 * Here comes the bride 398 00:16:39,566 --> 00:16:46,673 * Here comes the bri-ide, here comes the bride. * 399 00:16:46,739 --> 00:16:48,541 That's all I got. 400 00:16:52,645 --> 00:16:53,680 Hi. 401 00:16:53,746 --> 00:16:55,715 Wow. 402 00:16:55,782 --> 00:16:56,583 You look beautiful. 403 00:16:56,649 --> 00:16:58,351 Thanks. 404 00:16:58,418 --> 00:17:01,154 I was afraid you were gonna chicken out. 405 00:17:01,221 --> 00:17:04,591 That's funny. She said the same thing about you. 406 00:17:04,657 --> 00:17:07,860 Thank you, Kandi. 407 00:17:07,927 --> 00:17:10,563 So, are you sure this is what you really want to do? 408 00:17:10,630 --> 00:17:12,732 I'm sure. Are you? 409 00:17:12,799 --> 00:17:14,567 Absolutely. 410 00:17:14,634 --> 00:17:15,768 MAN: Okay. 411 00:17:15,835 --> 00:17:18,538 Who's the lucky couple? 412 00:17:18,605 --> 00:17:21,074 Well, we're the ones getting married, 413 00:17:21,141 --> 00:17:25,612 so I guess it's them. 414 00:17:25,678 --> 00:17:26,613 Charlie. 415 00:17:26,679 --> 00:17:27,814 I joke. 416 00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:28,648 MINISTER: All righty. 417 00:17:28,715 --> 00:17:31,318 Now, before we begin the ceremony, I need 418 00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:33,786 both your signatures there and there. 419 00:17:33,853 --> 00:17:35,322 Okay. 420 00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:36,055 So, are you folks 421 00:17:36,123 --> 00:17:37,390 staying in Vegas, 422 00:17:37,457 --> 00:17:39,992 or are you honeymooning somewhere else? 423 00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:41,060 I don't know. 424 00:17:41,128 --> 00:17:42,262 What do you think, sweetie? 425 00:17:42,329 --> 00:17:46,166 Oh, uh... can I talk to you for a second? 426 00:17:46,233 --> 00:17:48,368 What'd I say? Am I in trouble already? 427 00:17:49,769 --> 00:17:53,406 I swear to God, I think we're the lucky couple. 428 00:17:53,473 --> 00:17:56,309 Charlie, relax, I just want to talk to you about our honeymoon. 429 00:17:56,376 --> 00:17:59,879 Oh. I'll take you anywhere you wanna go. 430 00:17:59,946 --> 00:18:01,981 Frankly, I'd pick a place with a nice ceiling, 431 00:18:02,048 --> 00:18:06,386 'cause we're just gonna take turns looking at it. 432 00:18:06,453 --> 00:18:08,588 Charlie, I'd love to honeymoon with you, but, 433 00:18:08,655 --> 00:18:13,059 well, I have to work and, well, I think it'd be smarter 434 00:18:13,126 --> 00:18:14,527 to use the money to redo the house. 435 00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:18,165 Oh, I get it. You gave up trying to change me 436 00:18:18,231 --> 00:18:20,133 so now the house has to suffer? 437 00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:22,202 If we're gonna have a family, 438 00:18:22,269 --> 00:18:24,171 we'll need to turn the second bedroom into a nursery. 439 00:18:24,237 --> 00:18:26,939 But that's, that's where Jake stays. 440 00:18:27,006 --> 00:18:28,141 Yeah, but once Alan moves out 441 00:18:28,208 --> 00:18:29,942 then Jake won't be staying there anymore, right? 442 00:18:30,009 --> 00:18:32,745 Alan's moving out? 443 00:18:32,812 --> 00:18:34,681 Of course he is. 444 00:18:34,747 --> 00:18:36,249 Isn't he? 445 00:18:37,317 --> 00:18:39,652 This is so romantic. 446 00:18:39,719 --> 00:18:43,055 When I was a little girl, I used to love playing bride. 447 00:18:43,122 --> 00:18:44,524 Me, too. 448 00:18:44,591 --> 00:18:48,228 I-I mean, I mean, I was the groom. 449 00:18:48,295 --> 00:18:50,497 Most of the time. 450 00:18:50,563 --> 00:18:53,099 You think you'll ever get married again? 451 00:18:53,166 --> 00:18:55,502 I don't know. I hope so. 452 00:18:55,568 --> 00:18:58,571 You should, 'cause you'd make a good husband. 453 00:18:58,638 --> 00:19:01,508 You're kind, considerate, dependable 454 00:19:01,574 --> 00:19:04,444 and you're cuter than a duck wearing a hat. 455 00:19:06,879 --> 00:19:08,080 Come on, Charlie. 456 00:19:08,147 --> 00:19:09,349 We need our privacy. 457 00:19:09,416 --> 00:19:10,517 But they're my family. 458 00:19:10,583 --> 00:19:11,884 I can't just kick 'em out. 459 00:19:11,951 --> 00:19:14,153 Well, you could've said something before now. 460 00:19:14,221 --> 00:19:15,755 Who knew your idea of marriage 461 00:19:15,822 --> 00:19:19,091 was you and me alone in a house? 462 00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:20,427 I don't believe this. 463 00:19:20,493 --> 00:19:22,362 As long as I've known you, you've been complaining 464 00:19:22,429 --> 00:19:23,596 about Alan living with you. 465 00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:25,932 And you want to take that away from me? 466 00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:27,700 You know what? I thought you were 467 00:19:27,767 --> 00:19:29,369 ready to grow up, but clearly I was wrong. 468 00:19:29,436 --> 00:19:30,737 What's more grown up 469 00:19:30,803 --> 00:19:33,105 than wanting to take care of my family? 470 00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:34,341 And let's not forget, 471 00:19:34,407 --> 00:19:35,608 you're the one who came back to me. 472 00:19:35,675 --> 00:19:38,311 I only came back to you because I wanted your sperm. 473 00:19:38,378 --> 00:19:40,146 Yeah, well, it's a package deal. 474 00:19:40,213 --> 00:19:44,884 My sperm and my brother go hand in hand. 475 00:19:47,487 --> 00:19:49,889 Kandi, this is so sudden. 476 00:19:49,956 --> 00:19:50,657 I know. 477 00:19:50,723 --> 00:19:53,059 But lots of good things are sudden. 478 00:19:53,125 --> 00:19:56,396 Like sun showers... orgasms... 479 00:19:56,463 --> 00:19:58,231 That's two things. 480 00:19:58,298 --> 00:20:00,533 Multiple orgasms. 481 00:20:02,168 --> 00:20:04,304 That's five. 482 00:20:05,872 --> 00:20:06,939 All right, deal's off. 483 00:20:07,006 --> 00:20:08,375 Let's get the hell outta here. 484 00:20:08,441 --> 00:20:10,710 Hang on. Are you really serious about this? 485 00:20:10,777 --> 00:20:13,980 You love me, I love you, the sex is great. 486 00:20:14,046 --> 00:20:16,449 The sex is unbelievable. 487 00:20:16,516 --> 00:20:18,485 Wait, what'd you say? 488 00:20:18,551 --> 00:20:20,587 I said the wedding's off. 489 00:20:20,653 --> 00:20:22,322 Oh my God, what happened? 490 00:20:22,389 --> 00:20:24,491 It doesn't matter. 491 00:20:24,557 --> 00:20:26,158 What's important is I just avoided 492 00:20:26,225 --> 00:20:27,494 making a huge mistake. 493 00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:29,061 Charlie, I am so sorry. 494 00:20:29,128 --> 00:20:29,996 Oh, thanks. 495 00:20:30,062 --> 00:20:31,564 Now let's head for a strip joint, 496 00:20:31,631 --> 00:20:32,865 get drunk and let the healing begin. 497 00:20:32,932 --> 00:20:34,934 Uh, yeah, but, but, before we do that, 498 00:20:35,001 --> 00:20:38,170 I was wondering, uh, could I ask you for a little favor? 499 00:20:38,237 --> 00:20:39,171 Yeah? 500 00:20:39,238 --> 00:20:40,740 Can I borrow your wedding ring? 501 00:20:40,807 --> 00:20:41,708 What for? 502 00:20:41,774 --> 00:20:44,911 Well, I thought as long as we're in Vegas, 503 00:20:44,977 --> 00:20:48,415 I'd marry Kandi. 504 00:20:50,317 --> 00:20:52,218 Are you insane? 505 00:20:52,285 --> 00:20:54,687 Oh, come on, you're not using it. 506 00:20:54,754 --> 00:20:57,924 * Men... 507 00:21:01,994 --> 00:21:05,665 I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride. 508 00:21:08,335 --> 00:21:11,738 I don't freakin' believe it. 509 00:21:11,804 --> 00:21:13,306 Cheer up, Charlie. 510 00:21:13,373 --> 00:21:15,675 You're finally getting what you always wanted. 511 00:21:15,742 --> 00:21:18,311 I'm moving out of your house. 512 00:21:20,680 --> 00:21:23,616 I don't freakin' believe it.