1 00:00:02,636 --> 00:00:03,604 Hey. 2 00:00:03,671 --> 00:00:05,739 Hey. 3 00:00:05,806 --> 00:00:08,609 So, what's going on in school? 4 00:00:08,676 --> 00:00:10,544 Nothing. 5 00:00:11,979 --> 00:00:13,781 Nothing? You just sit there all day 6 00:00:13,847 --> 00:00:15,249 and stare at the wall? 7 00:00:15,316 --> 00:00:17,618 That's where the clock is. 8 00:00:20,654 --> 00:00:21,989 ( phonerings ) 9 00:00:22,056 --> 00:00:23,757 CHARLIE: I got it. 10 00:00:24,892 --> 00:00:26,927 Well, I find it hard to believe 11 00:00:26,994 --> 00:00:29,197 that you just watch the clock all day. 12 00:00:29,263 --> 00:00:31,632 Have you seen my report card? 13 00:00:34,735 --> 00:00:36,036 Jake, it's for you. 14 00:00:36,104 --> 00:00:37,037 I'm busy. 15 00:00:37,105 --> 00:00:38,072 It's a girl. 16 00:00:38,139 --> 00:00:40,007 I don't care. 17 00:00:40,074 --> 00:00:41,409 Her name is Wendy Cho. 18 00:00:41,475 --> 00:00:44,945 Hold on! I'm coming! Don't hang up! 19 00:00:45,012 --> 00:00:47,915 Hey. How's it going? 20 00:00:47,981 --> 00:00:50,651 Okay, that's something we haven't seen before. 21 00:00:50,718 --> 00:00:55,223 Yeah. He only moves that fast when he's got the squirts. 22 00:00:56,557 --> 00:00:58,892 Wendy Cho is the smartest girl at school. 23 00:00:58,959 --> 00:01:00,261 I wonder why she's calling Jake. 24 00:01:00,328 --> 00:01:03,030 Maybe she lost a bet. 25 00:01:03,097 --> 00:01:04,365 That's not nice. 26 00:01:04,432 --> 00:01:08,336 Well, kids are cruel. 27 00:01:08,402 --> 00:01:09,870 Jake is obviously smitten with her. 28 00:01:09,937 --> 00:01:13,040 I just hope he's not setting himself up for disappointment. 29 00:01:13,107 --> 00:01:14,108 Hey, you know what they say: 30 00:01:14,175 --> 00:01:15,976 "A man's reach must exceed his grasp 31 00:01:16,043 --> 00:01:18,746 or what's a penis for?" 32 00:01:18,812 --> 00:01:21,215 Who says that? 33 00:01:21,282 --> 00:01:24,585 Okay, I might be paraphrasing. 34 00:01:24,652 --> 00:01:27,155 * Men, men, men, men, manly, men, men, men * 35 00:01:27,221 --> 00:01:30,791 * Oh. * Men... 36 00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:40,601 Hey, Dad? Yeah, Jake? 37 00:01:40,668 --> 00:01:43,537 Wendy Cho's having a party tomorrow night. Can I go? 38 00:01:43,604 --> 00:01:46,106 Tomorrow? A little last minute, isn't it? 39 00:01:46,174 --> 00:01:47,741 Well, she wasn't going to invite me 40 00:01:47,808 --> 00:01:49,310 'cause Danny Palmer told Amy Sherlack 41 00:01:49,377 --> 00:01:50,711 that I didn't like her, 42 00:01:50,778 --> 00:01:53,013 but I told Peter Calahan to tell Ellen Meisner 43 00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:54,782 that I kinda did. 44 00:01:54,848 --> 00:01:57,851 I see. 45 00:01:59,420 --> 00:02:02,256 You do? 46 00:02:02,323 --> 00:02:06,594 He lost me at Amy Sherlack. 47 00:02:06,660 --> 00:02:08,462 Are her parents going to be there? 48 00:02:08,529 --> 00:02:09,230 I guess. 49 00:02:09,297 --> 00:02:11,332 Let the fathers who have girls 50 00:02:11,399 --> 00:02:14,468 worry about that. 51 00:02:14,535 --> 00:02:15,703 Shut up. 52 00:02:15,769 --> 00:02:19,039 All right. I'm going to want to meet her parents, 53 00:02:19,106 --> 00:02:20,774 but I don't see any reason why you can't go. 54 00:02:20,841 --> 00:02:25,045 Cool. Oh, yeah. I'm going a new shirt, new pants and new shoes. 55 00:02:25,112 --> 00:02:26,714 What's wrong with those you've got? 56 00:02:26,780 --> 00:02:29,750 Are you kidding? Everybody's already seen them. 57 00:02:29,817 --> 00:02:33,987 Yeah, but not with all the latest food stains. 58 00:02:34,054 --> 00:02:36,390 I hear gravy's the new black. 59 00:02:38,192 --> 00:02:40,160 Fine. We'll go shopping tomorrow. 60 00:02:40,228 --> 00:02:41,429 How about a new haircut? 61 00:02:41,495 --> 00:02:43,231 What's wrong with my hair? 62 00:02:43,297 --> 00:02:47,235 Let's just say everybody's already seen it. 63 00:02:47,301 --> 00:02:48,536 Okay. New haircut. 64 00:02:48,602 --> 00:02:52,506 So, this is your first party with girls, huh? 65 00:02:52,573 --> 00:02:55,476 Maybe. 66 00:02:55,543 --> 00:02:57,645 Maybe? You're not sure? 67 00:02:57,711 --> 00:03:02,350 You got some cross-dressers in sixth grade? 68 00:03:02,416 --> 00:03:06,554 Playing a little pin the tail on the tranny? 69 00:03:06,620 --> 00:03:08,456 Shut up. 70 00:03:10,023 --> 00:03:12,393 Why does everyone keep telling me to shut up? 71 00:03:12,460 --> 00:03:15,263 'Cause you're an insensitive dolt. 72 00:03:15,329 --> 00:03:17,130 That's no reason. 73 00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:19,500 This is a very delicate time in a boy's life. 74 00:03:19,567 --> 00:03:20,734 I remember how nervous I was 75 00:03:20,801 --> 00:03:22,403 about my first boy-girl party. 76 00:03:22,470 --> 00:03:25,606 Oh, right. That was in college, wasn't it? 77 00:03:25,673 --> 00:03:29,209 Shut up. 78 00:03:29,277 --> 00:03:32,079 What's important now is that we support Jake. 79 00:03:32,145 --> 00:03:33,914 Agreed. I'll kick in the wine coolers 80 00:03:33,981 --> 00:03:38,352 and a package of condoms. What are you going to do? 81 00:03:38,419 --> 00:03:39,987 You're joking, right? 82 00:03:41,922 --> 00:03:44,157 Okay, let's say I'm joking. 83 00:03:44,224 --> 00:03:46,294 Look, I appreciate your interest 84 00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:48,195 but this is a father-son moment 85 00:03:48,262 --> 00:03:50,230 and, in fact, it's one that I've been looking forward to 86 00:03:50,298 --> 00:03:55,736 since I saw the shadow of his little dingus in the first sonogram. 87 00:03:55,803 --> 00:03:57,871 That's very touching, 88 00:03:57,938 --> 00:03:59,106 and more than a bit creepy. 89 00:03:59,172 --> 00:04:03,911 But, still, I can't risk letting you scar the kid forever. 90 00:04:03,977 --> 00:04:04,978 What do you mean by that? 91 00:04:05,045 --> 00:04:07,381 Face it, Alan. What can you bring to the table 92 00:04:07,448 --> 00:04:10,951 other than a lifetime of abject failure with women? 93 00:04:11,018 --> 00:04:14,154 It's not a lifetime yet. 94 00:04:14,221 --> 00:04:15,456 I, on the other hand, 95 00:04:15,523 --> 00:04:17,224 have a wealth of experience to offer. 96 00:04:17,291 --> 00:04:21,662 He's 12. He doesn't need to know how to choreograph a three-way. 97 00:04:21,729 --> 00:04:24,164 I'm not talking about that. 98 00:04:24,231 --> 00:04:25,899 I'm saving that for prom night. 99 00:04:25,966 --> 00:04:29,002 Oh, good. 100 00:04:29,069 --> 00:04:30,804 Let me give you an example. 101 00:04:30,871 --> 00:04:31,805 Jake's at the party. 102 00:04:31,872 --> 00:04:33,441 All the boys are on one side of the room, 103 00:04:33,507 --> 00:04:35,643 all the girls are on the other. What's he do? 104 00:04:35,709 --> 00:04:36,076 Um... 105 00:04:36,143 --> 00:04:37,511 You see? You see? 106 00:04:37,578 --> 00:04:40,113 Right there-- that "um..."-- is the battle cry 107 00:04:40,180 --> 00:04:42,916 of the chronic masturbator. 108 00:04:48,188 --> 00:04:50,791 Define "chronic." 109 00:04:50,858 --> 00:04:56,697 The solution to the problem, my hairy-palmed friend... 110 00:04:56,764 --> 00:04:58,999 ...is to walk right up to the prettiest girl there 111 00:04:59,066 --> 00:05:00,233 and ask her to dance. 112 00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:01,234 Why the prettiest girl? 113 00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:02,436 Because she's the one 114 00:05:02,503 --> 00:05:03,737 all the other guys are afraid of. 115 00:05:03,804 --> 00:05:05,573 She'll be dying for some attention. 116 00:05:05,639 --> 00:05:07,975 What if Wendy Cho isn't the prettiest girl at the party? 117 00:05:08,041 --> 00:05:09,443 It doesn't matter. 118 00:05:09,510 --> 00:05:11,178 When she sees our boy dancing with a hot chick, 119 00:05:11,244 --> 00:05:12,880 she'll be all over him. 120 00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:17,117 Of course. 121 00:05:17,184 --> 00:05:18,819 It's... it's so obvious. 122 00:05:18,886 --> 00:05:22,723 Bet you're wishing you could do over sixth grade now, huh? 123 00:05:22,790 --> 00:05:26,059 I could have danced with Heidi Winkler. 124 00:05:26,126 --> 00:05:27,528 Yeah, you could have. 125 00:05:27,595 --> 00:05:29,296 Or... or Pam Talega. Yep. 126 00:05:29,363 --> 00:05:31,064 Or Mary Beth Hicks. Uh-huh. 127 00:05:31,131 --> 00:05:33,066 Shoshana Wasserstein! 128 00:05:33,133 --> 00:05:35,903 Ooh. I don't think so. 129 00:05:38,205 --> 00:05:39,473 * Men... 130 00:05:39,540 --> 00:05:41,875 Hey, can I get leather pants? 131 00:05:41,942 --> 00:05:43,176 No. No. 132 00:05:43,243 --> 00:05:44,578 Why not? 133 00:05:44,645 --> 00:05:47,781 Because you need something that lets the farts out. 134 00:05:52,319 --> 00:05:56,089 So... Wendy Cho, huh? 135 00:05:56,156 --> 00:05:58,191 Real subtle, Alan. 136 00:05:58,258 --> 00:06:00,494 Charlie, it's a father-son thing. 137 00:06:00,561 --> 00:06:03,764 Yeah, so was prewar Iraq. 138 00:06:05,466 --> 00:06:07,367 You, uh, want to tell me about her? 139 00:06:07,435 --> 00:06:08,969 Not really. 140 00:06:09,036 --> 00:06:10,538 Is she in your class? 141 00:06:10,604 --> 00:06:15,142 Where else would I meet her, in a bar? 142 00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:16,877 My turn? No. 143 00:06:16,944 --> 00:06:18,712 I'm just curious 144 00:06:18,779 --> 00:06:20,313 about what kind of person she is, 145 00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:22,382 what is about her that you find-- 146 00:06:22,450 --> 00:06:25,853 I don't know-- alluring. 147 00:06:25,919 --> 00:06:26,987 What? 148 00:06:27,054 --> 00:06:30,390 Your dad wants to know if you think she's hot. 149 00:06:30,458 --> 00:06:32,125 Oh. 150 00:06:32,192 --> 00:06:33,427 It's personal. 151 00:06:33,494 --> 00:06:35,596 She's hot. 152 00:06:35,663 --> 00:06:37,731 Are you nervous about this party? 153 00:06:37,798 --> 00:06:40,668 I don't know, maybe a little. 154 00:06:40,734 --> 00:06:43,203 Okay, Jake, here's what you do. Charlie. 155 00:06:43,270 --> 00:06:45,105 Hey, hey, you had your shot. 156 00:06:45,172 --> 00:06:46,674 "Alluring"? 157 00:06:48,542 --> 00:06:50,243 Is there going to be dancing tonight? 158 00:06:50,310 --> 00:06:51,512 I think so. Terrific. 159 00:06:51,579 --> 00:06:53,013 Do you know how to dance? 160 00:06:53,080 --> 00:06:54,414 Not exactly. 161 00:06:54,482 --> 00:06:55,783 Don't worry; it's easy to fake. 162 00:06:55,849 --> 00:06:58,586 The thing to remember is the more you move your arms, 163 00:06:58,652 --> 00:07:00,353 the stupider you look. 164 00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:02,590 Oh, that is so not true. 165 00:07:02,656 --> 00:07:05,025 Just keep it simple, and you'll be fine. Okay. 166 00:07:05,092 --> 00:07:08,295 Besides, the critical time is between dances. 167 00:07:08,361 --> 00:07:09,497 What do you mean? 168 00:07:09,563 --> 00:07:11,164 That's when you talk, or more precisely, 169 00:07:11,231 --> 00:07:12,399 you get her to talk. 170 00:07:12,466 --> 00:07:13,701 About what? 171 00:07:13,767 --> 00:07:16,303 Doesn't matter-- you won't be listening anyway. 172 00:07:16,369 --> 00:07:17,471 Oh, Charlie. 173 00:07:17,538 --> 00:07:19,139 Just drive the car. 174 00:07:19,206 --> 00:07:21,575 Yeah, Dad, this is important. 175 00:07:21,642 --> 00:07:23,777 Keep in mind: you're not looking to score tonight, 176 00:07:23,844 --> 00:07:25,846 you're just trying to get into the batter's box. 177 00:07:25,913 --> 00:07:27,815 Wendy doesn't like sports. 178 00:07:27,881 --> 00:07:30,518 You're missing the point. 179 00:07:30,584 --> 00:07:32,085 She plays violin. 180 00:07:34,187 --> 00:07:35,823 Listen to me. 181 00:07:35,889 --> 00:07:38,992 Your goal for the party tonight is to convince Wendy Cho 182 00:07:39,059 --> 00:07:40,828 that you're a mature, sophisticated guy 183 00:07:40,894 --> 00:07:44,164 who sees her not just as a woman but as a complete human being. 184 00:07:44,231 --> 00:07:45,298 You got it? 185 00:07:45,365 --> 00:07:46,634 I think so. Good. 186 00:07:46,700 --> 00:07:48,569 I'm not going. 187 00:07:50,070 --> 00:07:52,405 Hey, hey, not only are you going to go, 188 00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:54,575 but it's going to be a night you'll remember 189 00:07:54,642 --> 00:07:55,776 for the rest of your life. 190 00:07:55,843 --> 00:07:58,178 That's what I'm afraid of. 191 00:08:01,281 --> 00:08:03,517 * Men... 192 00:08:03,584 --> 00:08:06,186 Oh, oh, this is nice. 193 00:08:06,253 --> 00:08:10,057 Yeah, sure, if he's doing the other kids' taxes. 194 00:08:10,123 --> 00:08:12,025 It's a timeless style. 195 00:08:12,092 --> 00:08:15,563 No, it just seems timeless when you're not getting laid. 196 00:08:15,629 --> 00:08:17,598 Put it back. 197 00:08:17,665 --> 00:08:18,866 JAKE: This is cool. 198 00:08:18,932 --> 00:08:21,068 CHARLIE: Yeah, just one question: 199 00:08:21,134 --> 00:08:24,838 is your Wendy Cho a voodoo priestess? 200 00:08:24,905 --> 00:08:27,941 No, I think she's Chinese. 201 00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:29,943 Put it back. 202 00:08:30,010 --> 00:08:31,879 You know, there's something to be said 203 00:08:31,945 --> 00:08:33,614 for letting him make his own choices here. 204 00:08:33,681 --> 00:08:37,050 Oh, that's a bunch of crap-- he's an idiot. 205 00:08:37,117 --> 00:08:39,086 If we let him, he'd go to that party 206 00:08:39,152 --> 00:08:41,655 in a Viking helmet and a cape. 207 00:08:43,557 --> 00:08:46,093 Ah. Here we go. 208 00:08:48,762 --> 00:08:50,564 Don't even think about it. 209 00:08:50,631 --> 00:08:52,766 What? It says, "I've got a little money, 210 00:08:52,833 --> 00:08:54,367 but I'm not a corporate drone." 211 00:08:54,434 --> 00:08:58,538 No, it says, "I'm pushing 40, and I can't deal with it." 212 00:09:00,473 --> 00:09:01,942 All right. 213 00:09:02,009 --> 00:09:04,111 Maybe the kid needs his own look. 214 00:09:04,177 --> 00:09:05,012 Jake, come here. 215 00:09:05,078 --> 00:09:07,180 What? CHARLIE: Just stand there. 216 00:09:07,247 --> 00:09:10,984 Let's try and visualize what your personal style might be. 217 00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:12,686 Okay. 218 00:09:19,092 --> 00:09:23,030 Maybe we should start with the haircut. 219 00:09:23,096 --> 00:09:25,165 * Men... 220 00:09:25,232 --> 00:09:28,936 Oh, my, has Mommy been trimming your hair with her teeth? 221 00:09:29,002 --> 00:09:30,170 What? 222 00:09:30,237 --> 00:09:33,774 Not to worry, Ricky loves a challenge. 223 00:09:33,841 --> 00:09:35,442 I'm guessing Ricky also loves 224 00:09:35,508 --> 00:09:38,712 pretending he's a taffy apple. 225 00:09:38,779 --> 00:09:41,148 You want to take him to your guy, with the shaking hands 226 00:09:41,214 --> 00:09:43,016 and the signed picture of Desi Arnaz on the wall? 227 00:09:43,083 --> 00:09:45,185 Desi Arnaz had beautiful hair. 228 00:09:45,252 --> 00:09:47,487 So, Charles, do we have a game plan, 229 00:09:47,554 --> 00:09:49,189 or shall I just follow my muse? 230 00:09:49,256 --> 00:09:50,257 Can I get a mohawk? 231 00:09:50,323 --> 00:09:51,324 No. No. No. 232 00:09:51,391 --> 00:09:52,960 I think we should just go 233 00:09:53,026 --> 00:09:54,194 for something young and hip. 234 00:09:54,261 --> 00:09:56,864 Like your hairstyle. Sure. Why not? 235 00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:58,832 You'd have to kill me. 236 00:09:58,899 --> 00:10:02,135 Just tighten it up a little, nothing extreme. 237 00:10:02,202 --> 00:10:03,036 Can you make it purple? 238 00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:04,972 No. No. No. 239 00:10:05,038 --> 00:10:05,973 Aw, man. 240 00:10:06,039 --> 00:10:07,574 Relax, Jake, Ricky knows what he's doing. 241 00:10:07,641 --> 00:10:09,242 He's been cutting my hair for years. 242 00:10:09,309 --> 00:10:11,111 Well, what if I don't want to look like you? 243 00:10:11,178 --> 00:10:13,013 What's wrong with the way I look? 244 00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:17,284 Nothing... if you're a statue in front of a Big Boy restaurant. 245 00:10:17,350 --> 00:10:19,586 Are you freakin' kidding me? 246 00:10:19,653 --> 00:10:20,553 Charlie. 247 00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:22,455 Kid should be so lucky. 248 00:10:22,522 --> 00:10:24,291 We'll wait over here. 249 00:10:24,357 --> 00:10:27,327 I'm buying the little wiseass a $75 haircut, 250 00:10:27,394 --> 00:10:28,361 and he's taking shots at me? 251 00:10:28,428 --> 00:10:30,898 You said it yourself: he has to find his own look. 252 00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:33,934 Yeah, well, let him find it on somebody else's MasterCard! 253 00:10:34,001 --> 00:10:35,202 Look at his point of view. 254 00:10:35,268 --> 00:10:36,403 What's his point of view? 255 00:10:36,469 --> 00:10:37,337 Well, put overalls on you, 256 00:10:37,404 --> 00:10:40,007 and you do kind of look like the Big Boy. 257 00:10:41,408 --> 00:10:42,876 Stand like this for me. 258 00:10:45,713 --> 00:10:47,380 Shut up. 259 00:10:48,481 --> 00:10:49,316 By the way... 260 00:10:49,382 --> 00:10:51,952 did you have "the talk" with him? 261 00:10:52,019 --> 00:10:55,088 Oh, sure, I mean, well, we've had a talk, 262 00:10:55,155 --> 00:10:56,389 you know, covered the basics. 263 00:10:56,456 --> 00:10:59,059 He knows where babies come from and how they got there. 264 00:10:59,126 --> 00:11:01,228 That's all? He's going to this party completely clueless 265 00:11:01,294 --> 00:11:04,364 about how much fun he can have between "Hi, how are you?" 266 00:11:04,431 --> 00:11:06,767 and "What do you mean you missed your period?" 267 00:11:06,834 --> 00:11:08,268 Charlie, it's a kids' party: 268 00:11:08,335 --> 00:11:10,237 pizza, soft drinks, a little dancing. 269 00:11:10,303 --> 00:11:13,406 Oh, really? You know what I was doing at his age? 270 00:11:13,473 --> 00:11:14,474 I don't want to hear it. 271 00:11:14,541 --> 00:11:15,308 Are you sure? 272 00:11:15,375 --> 00:11:17,310 It involves Shoshana Wasserstein. 273 00:11:17,377 --> 00:11:20,413 You danced with Shoshana Wasserstein? 274 00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:23,116 Actually, that's the one thing we didn't do. 275 00:11:24,351 --> 00:11:26,453 Nevertheless, I am Jake's father, 276 00:11:26,519 --> 00:11:27,888 and I happen to believe 277 00:11:27,955 --> 00:11:29,656 childhood should be a time of innocence. 278 00:11:29,723 --> 00:11:32,259 I agree-- childhood should be a time of innocence. 279 00:11:32,325 --> 00:11:34,294 And Bambi's mother shouldn't die, 280 00:11:34,361 --> 00:11:36,496 and lap dances should be complimentary 281 00:11:36,563 --> 00:11:38,531 after the fifth cocktail. 282 00:11:38,598 --> 00:11:40,333 But that's not 283 00:11:40,400 --> 00:11:41,434 the world we live in. 284 00:11:41,501 --> 00:11:43,971 This party tonight is the initial round 285 00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:47,240 in a lifelong process of sexual elimination. 286 00:11:47,307 --> 00:11:47,908 Oh, really? 287 00:11:47,975 --> 00:11:49,342 Think of it as musical chairs, 288 00:11:49,409 --> 00:11:52,445 but when the music stops, the guys who have a clue 289 00:11:52,512 --> 00:11:55,215 are sitting on a woman instead of a chair. 290 00:11:56,683 --> 00:11:58,185 The guys who have no clue, 291 00:11:58,251 --> 00:12:00,453 they'll spend their teenage years... 292 00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:01,554 Well, 293 00:12:01,621 --> 00:12:05,125 I certainly don't need to tell Dungeonmaster Alan. 294 00:12:06,659 --> 00:12:08,796 * Men... 295 00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:14,501 I'm ready. 296 00:12:16,469 --> 00:12:19,472 It's very nice. Yeah, I think we're good. 297 00:12:19,539 --> 00:12:20,808 Turn around. 298 00:12:23,811 --> 00:12:26,379 You're supposed to take the price tag off. 299 00:12:26,446 --> 00:12:30,183 But you said it was good to be seen in expensive clothes. 300 00:12:30,250 --> 00:12:33,053 You still want him to learn from his mistakes? 301 00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:35,755 Fine. Can we go now? Hang on. 302 00:12:35,823 --> 00:12:37,925 Let's see the dance moves. 303 00:12:37,991 --> 00:12:41,194 ( Charlie singing mid-tempo dance beat ) 304 00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:44,865 Don't stare at your shoes. 305 00:12:44,932 --> 00:12:46,934 Eyes on the girl at all times. 306 00:12:47,000 --> 00:12:49,636 Pretend you care. 307 00:12:49,702 --> 00:12:50,703 ( Charlie singing ) 308 00:12:50,770 --> 00:12:51,771 Good, good, good. 309 00:12:51,839 --> 00:12:54,574 Now, how do you stand when you know 310 00:12:54,641 --> 00:12:56,877 Wendy's looking at you? 311 00:12:57,911 --> 00:12:59,479 That's it. 312 00:12:59,546 --> 00:13:01,481 Little head bob. 313 00:13:02,883 --> 00:13:04,918 Show me the sleepy eyes. 314 00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:09,857 I said sleepy, not brain-dead. 315 00:13:12,559 --> 00:13:13,827 All right. 316 00:13:13,894 --> 00:13:15,095 Who's the man? 317 00:13:15,162 --> 00:13:16,463 I'm the man. Who's the man? 318 00:13:16,529 --> 00:13:17,130 I'm the man! 319 00:13:17,197 --> 00:13:19,132 Okay, let's go get 'em! 320 00:13:23,270 --> 00:13:26,806 ( singing dance beat ) 321 00:13:28,976 --> 00:13:31,678 CHARLIE ( calls ): Alan! I'm coming! 322 00:13:31,744 --> 00:13:35,448 2138... 323 00:13:35,515 --> 00:13:37,117 2136... 324 00:13:37,184 --> 00:13:40,587 Try the house with the balloons tied to the mailbox. 325 00:13:40,653 --> 00:13:43,290 Oh. Right. 326 00:13:44,191 --> 00:13:45,926 Okay. 327 00:13:45,993 --> 00:13:47,694 Let's go. 328 00:13:47,760 --> 00:13:50,898 Where are you going? 329 00:13:50,964 --> 00:13:52,699 I want to meet her parents, say hello, 330 00:13:52,765 --> 00:13:54,301 find out when to pick you up. 331 00:13:54,367 --> 00:13:56,169 Alan, you take one step out of this car, 332 00:13:56,236 --> 00:13:59,206 I will beat your brains out with a tire iron. 333 00:13:59,272 --> 00:14:01,975 Thank you, Uncle Charlie. 334 00:14:02,042 --> 00:14:03,376 Have fun. 335 00:14:03,443 --> 00:14:06,046 Uh, call my cell when you want me to pick you... 336 00:14:06,113 --> 00:14:07,280 ( door closes ) 337 00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:08,281 ...up. 338 00:14:11,118 --> 00:14:12,953 ( sighs ): There he goes. 339 00:14:13,020 --> 00:14:18,091 My son is attending his first boy-girl party. 340 00:14:18,158 --> 00:14:21,428 ( both sigh loudly ) 341 00:14:22,729 --> 00:14:24,431 Who's that opening the door? 342 00:14:24,497 --> 00:14:26,967 Oh, that's, uh, that's Wendy Cho. 343 00:14:27,034 --> 00:14:28,101 Oh, good. She's cute. 344 00:14:28,168 --> 00:14:29,302 The kid's got taste. 345 00:14:29,369 --> 00:14:31,471 But she's, like, a foot taller than him. 346 00:14:31,538 --> 00:14:33,941 That's all right-- when they slow dance, 347 00:14:34,007 --> 00:14:35,909 his head'll be perfectly positioned. 348 00:14:35,976 --> 00:14:38,045 Oh, get your mind out of the gutter. 349 00:14:38,111 --> 00:14:40,813 Right. Like, you never copped a feel with your ear. 350 00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:43,483 No! 351 00:14:43,550 --> 00:14:47,154 Well... okay, once, with Aunt Sophie. 352 00:14:47,220 --> 00:14:49,356 But that was an accident. 353 00:14:49,422 --> 00:14:51,424 So you know what I'm talking about. 354 00:14:51,491 --> 00:14:53,560 Oh, yeah. 355 00:14:54,827 --> 00:14:56,396 * Men... 356 00:14:56,463 --> 00:14:57,864 Here you go. 357 00:14:57,931 --> 00:14:59,632 Thank you. 358 00:14:59,699 --> 00:15:01,668 ( laughs ): Oh, looks good. 359 00:15:02,569 --> 00:15:04,871 She's pretty, huh? 360 00:15:04,938 --> 00:15:06,940 Huh? 361 00:15:07,007 --> 00:15:08,308 Yeah, I guess. 362 00:15:08,375 --> 00:15:10,143 What's the matter with you? 363 00:15:10,210 --> 00:15:13,213 What if I sent him out there too soon? 364 00:15:13,280 --> 00:15:14,681 What if he's not ready? 365 00:15:14,747 --> 00:15:17,384 Don't beat yourself up. You did everything you could. 366 00:15:17,450 --> 00:15:21,054 There just wasn't enough time, damn it. 367 00:15:21,121 --> 00:15:22,622 It's out of our hands-- we just have 368 00:15:22,689 --> 00:15:23,756 to let nature take its course. 369 00:15:23,823 --> 00:15:25,425 Sounds good-- unfortunately, 370 00:15:25,492 --> 00:15:28,861 nature keeps telling him to scratch his ass. 371 00:15:28,928 --> 00:15:30,630 ( phone plays ring-tone ) 372 00:15:30,697 --> 00:15:31,864 Oh, it's Jake. 373 00:15:31,931 --> 00:15:34,001 Oh, God, I knew it! Give me that. 374 00:15:34,067 --> 00:15:35,535 No, no, no, I got it. 375 00:15:35,602 --> 00:15:37,270 Hey, what's up, buddy? 376 00:15:37,337 --> 00:15:39,172 He wants to come home. 377 00:15:39,239 --> 00:15:40,673 Why? He just got there. 378 00:15:40,740 --> 00:15:43,276 Why? You just got there. 379 00:15:43,343 --> 00:15:45,512 He says it's personal. 380 00:15:45,578 --> 00:15:46,879 Give me that. 381 00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:48,581 Jake... 382 00:15:48,648 --> 00:15:51,218 Jake, I'm gonna talk you through this. 383 00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:54,354 Just pipe down and listen. 384 00:15:54,421 --> 00:15:57,057 Finish your cookie later! 385 00:15:58,691 --> 00:16:01,294 Where's Wendy Cho right now? 386 00:16:01,361 --> 00:16:04,031 Well, how many girls is she talking to? 387 00:16:04,097 --> 00:16:08,735 Okay, okay, you got to split her from the herd. 388 00:16:08,801 --> 00:16:11,671 Walk over and say you have something to ask her. 389 00:16:11,738 --> 00:16:15,508 Then take her hand and lead her away from her friends. 390 00:16:15,575 --> 00:16:18,611 Okay, then put the cookie down first! 391 00:16:20,147 --> 00:16:21,614 Now, when you have some privacy, 392 00:16:21,681 --> 00:16:25,685 I want you to look her right in the eye and say you were lying, 393 00:16:25,752 --> 00:16:28,621 you just wanted to be alone with her. 394 00:16:28,688 --> 00:16:31,191 It will, too, work! 395 00:16:31,258 --> 00:16:32,825 All right, call me back. 396 00:16:32,892 --> 00:16:34,361 ( sighs ) 397 00:16:34,427 --> 00:16:37,464 God, I just wish I could be there with him. 398 00:16:37,530 --> 00:16:38,531 Me, too. 399 00:16:38,598 --> 00:16:40,033 Thanks. 400 00:16:41,934 --> 00:16:44,003 You ready for a refill? 401 00:16:44,071 --> 00:16:45,672 Sure. 402 00:16:45,738 --> 00:16:47,207 Are you okay? 403 00:16:47,274 --> 00:16:48,941 Yeah, I'm fine. 404 00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:50,610 I'm just worried about my nephew. 405 00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:52,845 He's at his first boy-girl party. 406 00:16:52,912 --> 00:16:55,648 Aw, that's adorable. 407 00:16:55,715 --> 00:16:57,384 Uh, he's, uh, he's my son. 408 00:16:57,450 --> 00:16:59,586 Uh-huh. 409 00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:01,988 How old is he? 410 00:17:02,055 --> 00:17:05,758 12. Kid's the apple of my eye. 411 00:17:05,825 --> 00:17:07,594 You're so sweet. 412 00:17:07,660 --> 00:17:08,728 Uh, excuse me, 413 00:17:08,795 --> 00:17:12,432 officially, it's, uh, my apple, uh, and my eye. 414 00:17:12,499 --> 00:17:15,302 Okay. 415 00:17:16,936 --> 00:17:18,305 Connie. 416 00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:19,005 Charlie. 417 00:17:19,072 --> 00:17:20,940 Would you like some pie, Charlie? 418 00:17:21,007 --> 00:17:22,742 It's on the house. 419 00:17:22,809 --> 00:17:24,944 Your house or mine? 420 00:17:25,011 --> 00:17:27,780 ( laughs ): You're awful. Mine. 421 00:17:27,847 --> 00:17:31,451 Un-freakin'-believable. 422 00:17:31,518 --> 00:17:34,187 Look, Connie, I'm kind of tied up tonight, 423 00:17:34,254 --> 00:17:35,655 you know, with my nephew, 424 00:17:35,722 --> 00:17:38,891 but why don't you write your number on the bill? Hmm. 425 00:17:38,958 --> 00:17:42,295 Already did. 426 00:17:44,497 --> 00:17:45,998 What? 427 00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:47,734 He's my son. 428 00:17:47,800 --> 00:17:50,903 But I know how to use him. 429 00:17:50,970 --> 00:17:53,840 ( phone plays "Fur Elise" ring tone ) 430 00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:55,475 Oh, it's Jake. 431 00:18:01,114 --> 00:18:02,982 Talk to me. 432 00:18:03,049 --> 00:18:04,951 No, you're the man. 433 00:18:05,017 --> 00:18:06,286 You're the man. 434 00:18:06,353 --> 00:18:08,788 Great. Keep me posted. 435 00:18:08,855 --> 00:18:09,956 Who's the man? 436 00:18:10,022 --> 00:18:11,858 Right. 437 00:18:15,228 --> 00:18:17,029 What? What? 438 00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:20,533 It's going well. 439 00:18:23,136 --> 00:18:24,171 * Men... 440 00:18:24,237 --> 00:18:27,006 He's gonna be one of the last to leave. 441 00:18:27,073 --> 00:18:28,341 That's a good sign. 442 00:18:28,408 --> 00:18:30,143 ( sighs ): Yeah. 443 00:18:30,210 --> 00:18:32,011 You tend to lose track of time 444 00:18:32,078 --> 00:18:33,913 when you're in a closet with a girl. 445 00:18:33,980 --> 00:18:35,248 Uh-huh. 446 00:18:35,315 --> 00:18:37,717 I just wish I could've covered kissing with him. 447 00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:41,288 Please, God, don't let him pucker. 448 00:18:41,354 --> 00:18:44,123 ( heavy sigh ) What's wrong? 449 00:18:44,191 --> 00:18:46,193 Oh, it's nothing. 450 00:18:46,259 --> 00:18:47,794 Don't worry, Wendy'll know what to do. 451 00:18:47,860 --> 00:18:50,230 She's probably been practicing with her girlfriends. 452 00:18:50,297 --> 00:18:53,533 Man, chicks are so lucky. 453 00:18:53,600 --> 00:18:56,336 It's not the kissing, it's... ( sighs ) 454 00:18:56,403 --> 00:18:58,104 it's this whole thing. 455 00:18:58,171 --> 00:18:59,372 Hey, look, I'm sorry if I interfered 456 00:18:59,439 --> 00:19:00,840 with the father-son deal, Alan... 457 00:19:00,907 --> 00:19:03,543 No, no, no, you've, uh, you've done a great job. 458 00:19:03,610 --> 00:19:05,445 Jake's really lucky to have you. 459 00:19:05,512 --> 00:19:07,314 So what's the problem? 460 00:19:08,781 --> 00:19:12,051 I guess I'm a little jealous. Of what? 461 00:19:12,118 --> 00:19:14,954 Charlie, do you have any idea what it would've meant to me 462 00:19:15,021 --> 00:19:18,391 to have you take me under your wing the way you have with Jake? 463 00:19:18,458 --> 00:19:21,328 Oh, we're we go. Dad was gone 464 00:19:21,394 --> 00:19:23,763 and there was no one to teach me this stuff. 465 00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:25,965 You know how I found out about French kissing? 466 00:19:26,032 --> 00:19:28,935 Mom sliced a plum in half and stuck her tongue in it. 467 00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:33,373 Aw, you could've taken that secret to the grave. 468 00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:34,907 And that's not all she showed me. 469 00:19:34,974 --> 00:19:38,845 To this day I can't eat plums, dried apricots or b-bananas. 470 00:19:38,911 --> 00:19:43,650 All right, all right, I'm sorry. 471 00:19:43,716 --> 00:19:47,354 Look, I was young, I was selfish. 472 00:19:47,420 --> 00:19:50,323 I should've been there for you. 473 00:19:50,390 --> 00:19:53,426 You know, it's not too late. 474 00:19:53,493 --> 00:19:56,329 That's a real nice idea, buddy. 475 00:19:56,396 --> 00:19:58,898 But I'm afraid it is. 476 00:20:00,433 --> 00:20:02,201 JAKE: Hey. 477 00:20:02,269 --> 00:20:03,770 Hey. 478 00:20:05,405 --> 00:20:07,240 Well? How'd it go? 479 00:20:07,307 --> 00:20:08,441 Okay. 480 00:20:08,508 --> 00:20:11,344 J-Just okay? Alan, leave it alone. 481 00:20:11,411 --> 00:20:14,481 All right. 482 00:20:14,547 --> 00:20:16,649 So, Jake, congratulations. 483 00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:17,584 For what? 484 00:20:17,650 --> 00:20:20,253 You got lipstick all over your mouth. 485 00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:21,454 Aw, man! 486 00:20:21,521 --> 00:20:23,890 Relax, I was bluffing. 487 00:20:23,956 --> 00:20:25,392 Oh. 488 00:20:25,458 --> 00:20:28,661 But congratulations. 489 00:20:28,728 --> 00:20:31,564 Thanks. 490 00:20:33,132 --> 00:20:35,435 * Men... 491 00:20:38,838 --> 00:20:41,574 but I think Jake's off to a good start with the ladies. 492 00:20:41,641 --> 00:20:46,513 Yeah, listen, Charlie, um, don't take this the wrong way, but... 493 00:20:46,579 --> 00:20:50,817 I really don't want Jake to grow up like... you. 494 00:20:50,883 --> 00:20:54,854 Oh, Alan, how could I possibly take that the wrong way? 495 00:20:54,921 --> 00:20:57,590 No, I mean, I don't want him to be a player. 496 00:20:57,657 --> 00:20:59,392 I want him to value women 497 00:20:59,459 --> 00:21:01,928 and cherish his relationships with them. 498 00:21:01,994 --> 00:21:03,463 Hey, I value women. 499 00:21:03,530 --> 00:21:06,433 I cherish my relationships with them. 500 00:21:06,499 --> 00:21:10,236 But I take your point. 501 00:21:10,303 --> 00:21:12,905 Hey, Dad, how old do you have to be 502 00:21:12,972 --> 00:21:14,774 to get married? 503 00:21:14,841 --> 00:21:16,776 Uh, I guess 18. Why? 504 00:21:16,843 --> 00:21:19,579 Just wondering how long Wendy and I have to wait. 505 00:21:19,646 --> 00:21:23,650 One kiss, and he's ready to marry the girl. 506 00:21:23,716 --> 00:21:25,485 So? 507 00:21:25,552 --> 00:21:27,153 So you don't have to worry. 508 00:21:27,219 --> 00:21:29,822 He's definitely your son.