1
00:00:01,935 --> 00:00:05,673
Alan, do you ever fantasize
when we're making love?

2
00:00:05,739 --> 00:00:10,478
Well, occasionally,
I pretend that
I'm better-looking.

3
00:00:12,946 --> 00:00:14,014
What about you?

4
00:00:14,082 --> 00:00:16,284
Sometimes I imagine
we're in the middle

5
00:00:16,350 --> 00:00:19,253
of a big department store.

6
00:00:19,320 --> 00:00:21,122
Ha... having sex?

7
00:00:21,189 --> 00:00:24,292
No. Shopping.

8
00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:26,260
Why would I fantasize
about having sex

9
00:00:26,327 --> 00:00:27,995
while I'm having sex?

10
00:00:28,062 --> 00:00:30,231
Do you think
about ham and cheese

11
00:00:30,298 --> 00:00:33,201
when you're
eating a sandwich?

12
00:00:33,267 --> 00:00:35,103
Can't argue with that.

13
00:00:38,139 --> 00:00:40,441
What ya thinkin'?

14
00:00:41,675 --> 00:00:44,145
Well, nothing, really.
I... I just...

15
00:00:44,212 --> 00:00:46,380
I got a call from
Jake's school today.

16
00:00:46,447 --> 00:00:49,150
Huh. You know
who called me?

17
00:00:49,217 --> 00:00:50,651
Jessica Murray.

18
00:00:50,718 --> 00:00:52,153
Oh? Who's that?

19
00:00:52,220 --> 00:00:53,754
A friend of mine.

20
00:00:55,689 --> 00:00:59,993
Yeah. Well, anyway,
Jake's mom and I

21
00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:02,363
have to go to
a parent-teacher
conference tomorrow,

22
00:01:02,430 --> 00:01:04,965
and I don't really
know what it's about.

23
00:01:05,032 --> 00:01:11,572
Huh. Hey, do you ever pretend
your toes are little people?

24
00:01:11,639 --> 00:01:13,407
What? No.

25
00:01:13,474 --> 00:01:15,776
Sometimes I make believe
they're different families

26
00:01:15,843 --> 00:01:18,246
playing Family Feud.

27
00:01:18,312 --> 00:01:21,081
All right,
let's meet our champions.

28
00:01:21,149 --> 00:01:23,917
He goes to market,
she stays home.

29
00:01:23,984 --> 00:01:27,555
Please welcome
the Piggie family!

30
00:01:27,621 --> 00:01:29,290
Hi, everybody!

31
00:01:29,357 --> 00:01:31,825
You're goin' down,
Piggie Family.

32
00:01:31,892 --> 00:01:34,395
You're goin' down!

33
00:01:39,967 --> 00:01:41,602
Hey.

34
00:01:41,669 --> 00:01:43,103
Hey.

35
00:01:56,950 --> 00:01:58,619
How's it goin'?

36
00:01:58,686 --> 00:02:00,087
Forget it, Alan.

37
00:02:00,154 --> 00:02:02,122
I only do the
aprés sex chat

38
00:02:02,190 --> 00:02:04,858
with people I've
just had sex with.

39
00:02:04,925 --> 00:02:08,696
Come on. She's playing
Family Feud with her toes.

40
00:02:08,762 --> 00:02:13,201
I don't care if
she's playing banjo
with her nipples.

41
00:02:13,267 --> 00:02:15,969
But I need to communicate
after lovemaking.

42
00:02:16,036 --> 00:02:16,870
I-I need to share.

43
00:02:16,937 --> 00:02:18,372
Well, maybe you should
have thought of that

44
00:02:18,439 --> 00:02:19,640
before you started
boinkin' a girl

45
00:02:19,707 --> 00:02:22,276
with the IQ
of Tickle Me Elmo.

46
00:02:25,446 --> 00:02:26,847
Fine.

47
00:02:28,382 --> 00:02:30,083
Hey, Berta.
How's it goin'?

48
00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:31,385
Back off, Zippy.

49
00:02:32,420 --> 00:02:33,621
If you want pillow talk,

50
00:02:33,687 --> 00:02:35,389
you gotta
spoon me first.

51
00:02:43,797 --> 00:02:46,434
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *

52
00:02:46,500 --> 00:02:49,937
* Ah...
* Men.

53
00:02:54,242 --> 00:02:59,012
but I think we all agree that
ship has pretty much sailed.

54
00:02:59,079 --> 00:03:01,815
So why did you
want to see us?

55
00:03:01,882 --> 00:03:06,420
Well, I'm concerned that,
even outside of the classroom,

56
00:03:06,487 --> 00:03:11,191
Jake has no interest in anything
that goes on around here.

57
00:03:11,259 --> 00:03:12,426
Now, hang on.

58
00:03:12,493 --> 00:03:15,796
He speaks very highly of
your hot lunch program.

59
00:03:15,863 --> 00:03:19,500
Well, I was talking more
about hobbies

60
00:03:19,567 --> 00:03:22,002
or extracurricular activities.

61
00:03:22,069 --> 00:03:24,572
Well, I don't know
about his father,

62
00:03:24,638 --> 00:03:27,107
but I've tried to share
some of my interests with him.

63
00:03:27,174 --> 00:03:29,109
Unfortunately,
he's a little young

64
00:03:29,176 --> 00:03:31,779
to drink in the dark
and bitch about men.

65
00:03:31,845 --> 00:03:34,515
( snickering )

66
00:03:36,650 --> 00:03:39,253
You know...

67
00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:42,089
I was kind of
lacking in focus

68
00:03:42,155 --> 00:03:43,624
when I was
his age, too,

69
00:03:43,691 --> 00:03:46,294
until I got bit by
the ol' theater bug.

70
00:03:46,360 --> 00:03:49,530
Too bad you didn't get bit
by the ol' rabid squirrel.

71
00:03:50,898 --> 00:03:55,002
You know, I'm organizing
a drama club.

72
00:03:55,068 --> 00:03:57,771
Would that be something that
Jake would have any interest in,

73
00:03:57,838 --> 00:04:01,442
or do you think
he gets enough drama at home?

74
00:04:03,143 --> 00:04:05,279
All the world's
a stage.

75
00:04:05,346 --> 00:04:06,947
And we are merely players.

76
00:04:07,014 --> 00:04:08,716
( laughing )

77
00:04:10,484 --> 00:04:15,489
Ooh. Bubble, bubble,
toil and trouble.

78
00:04:17,391 --> 00:04:19,893
Did she say what
I was in trouble for?

79
00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:21,695
No.

80
00:04:21,762 --> 00:04:24,398
Boy, it's the not knowing
that drives you crazy.

81
00:04:24,465 --> 00:04:28,101
Yeah, like a
pregnancy test.

82
00:04:28,168 --> 00:04:30,037
Yep.

83
00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:33,941
I don't get it.

84
00:04:34,007 --> 00:04:35,443
( coin jingling )

85
00:04:35,509 --> 00:04:36,310
Yes!

86
00:04:36,377 --> 00:04:39,079
In your face, Opie.

87
00:04:39,146 --> 00:04:40,481
This game stinks.

88
00:04:40,548 --> 00:04:42,950
No, you stink at it.

89
00:04:43,016 --> 00:04:44,518
That was my lunch money.

90
00:04:44,585 --> 00:04:46,286
Aw, your lunch money?

91
00:04:46,354 --> 00:04:47,521
Why didn't
you tell me?

92
00:04:47,588 --> 00:04:51,291
* Boo freakin' hoo--
pack a sandwich. *

93
00:04:51,359 --> 00:04:54,261
Okay, Jake, we talked

94
00:04:54,328 --> 00:04:55,195
to Miss Sheffield...

95
00:04:55,262 --> 00:04:56,830
I'm sorry.

96
00:04:56,897 --> 00:04:58,231
What are you
sorry about?

97
00:04:58,298 --> 00:05:02,870
I'm... I'm sorry
I interrupted you.

98
00:05:02,936 --> 00:05:03,771
Go ahead.

99
00:05:03,837 --> 00:05:05,806
Well, we thought
it would be a good idea

100
00:05:05,873 --> 00:05:08,942
if you got involved in some
extracurricular activities.

101
00:05:09,009 --> 00:05:10,310
Oh. Okay.

102
00:05:10,378 --> 00:05:13,614
Great, great, we'll
talk about it at home.

103
00:05:16,417 --> 00:05:18,986
Do you even know what an
extracurricular activity is?

104
00:05:19,052 --> 00:05:22,690
Who cares?
I'm off the hook.

105
00:05:22,756 --> 00:05:24,792
* Men...

106
00:05:24,858 --> 00:05:28,095
* I... am the very model of
a modern major general *

107
00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:30,431
* I've information vegetable,
animal, and mineral *

108
00:05:30,498 --> 00:05:31,832
* I know the kings
of England, *

109
00:05:31,899 --> 00:05:33,601
* And I quote the
fights historical *

110
00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:37,605
* From Marathon to Waterloo,
in order categorical. *

111
00:05:37,671 --> 00:05:40,007
What do you think?

112
00:05:40,073 --> 00:05:42,476
What was this all about?

113
00:05:42,543 --> 00:05:45,446
It's choreography.
It's gay!

114
00:05:45,513 --> 00:05:47,681
Okay, you know,
forget about the movements.

115
00:05:47,748 --> 00:05:48,982
Just try singing the song.

116
00:05:49,049 --> 00:05:49,917
No.
Why not?

117
00:05:49,983 --> 00:05:52,753
Because it's gay.

118
00:05:53,621 --> 00:05:54,788
Don't encourage him.

119
00:05:54,855 --> 00:05:57,625
Don't make him sing
Gilbert and Sullivan.

120
00:05:57,691 --> 00:06:00,961
He needs something to audition
for the school musical.

121
00:06:01,028 --> 00:06:01,795
You teach him a song.

122
00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:03,397
Why don't you
let him choose?

123
00:06:03,464 --> 00:06:04,632
Jake, why don't you
tell your uncle

124
00:06:04,698 --> 00:06:05,933
what you wanted to sing.

125
00:06:05,999 --> 00:06:09,069
It's called
"Whoop That Stanky Ho."

126
00:06:13,774 --> 00:06:16,777
All right, there's got to
be some middle ground here.

127
00:06:16,844 --> 00:06:19,913
You like classic
rock, right?
Yeah.

128
00:06:19,980 --> 00:06:21,615
Okay, well, pick a band.

129
00:06:21,682 --> 00:06:23,784
Um... how about Queen?

130
00:06:23,851 --> 00:06:24,885
Oh, good,
I was afraid

131
00:06:24,952 --> 00:06:27,087
he was gonna pick
something gay.

132
00:06:30,991 --> 00:06:34,061
( playing intro
of "Bohemian Rhapsody" )

133
00:06:34,127 --> 00:06:36,797
* I see a little
silhouetto of a man *

134
00:06:36,864 --> 00:06:40,768
* Scaramouche, scaramouche,
will you do the fandango? *

135
00:06:40,834 --> 00:06:44,204
* Thunderbolt and lightning,
very, very frightening me *

136
00:06:44,271 --> 00:06:46,173
( falsetto, then tenor ):
* Galileo, Galileo

137
00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:52,279
* Galileo, Galileo,
Galileo, Figaro magnifico... *

138
00:06:52,345 --> 00:06:55,415
( stops playing )

139
00:06:55,483 --> 00:06:57,485
It doesn't sound right.

140
00:06:57,551 --> 00:07:00,153
You heard it, too, huh?

141
00:07:00,220 --> 00:07:02,389
You sure you're playing
all the right notes?

142
00:07:02,456 --> 00:07:04,024
Yes, I'm sure.

143
00:07:04,091 --> 00:07:07,127
Well, it doesn't sound anything
like Queen's version.

144
00:07:07,194 --> 00:07:09,329
No, it doesn't.

145
00:07:09,396 --> 00:07:10,798
Why don't you
work on it?

146
00:07:10,864 --> 00:07:12,500
We'll try
again tomorrow.

147
00:07:12,566 --> 00:07:17,204
Yeah, why don't I do that?

148
00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:19,406
Kid's a double threat...

149
00:07:19,473 --> 00:07:22,810
tone-deaf and arrogant.

150
00:07:22,876 --> 00:07:24,444
Hey.

151
00:07:24,512 --> 00:07:25,746
Where have you been?

152
00:07:25,813 --> 00:07:27,347
Kandi called looking for you.

153
00:07:27,414 --> 00:07:29,082
Oh, I had to work late.

154
00:07:29,149 --> 00:07:30,050
Oh.

155
00:07:30,117 --> 00:07:32,419
Yeah, one of my regular patients
had, uh, a crisis.

156
00:07:32,486 --> 00:07:33,954
His name is Roger.

157
00:07:34,021 --> 00:07:36,624
He had a couple
of vertebrae
pinching a nerve.

158
00:07:36,690 --> 00:07:39,392
Too bad.
Nice guy,
you'd like him.

159
00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:41,495
He restores old cars.

160
00:07:41,562 --> 00:07:43,631
Well, it's actually more
of a hobby than a job.

161
00:07:43,697 --> 00:07:45,298
He works at Staples.

162
00:07:45,365 --> 00:07:46,466
His name is Roger.

163
00:07:46,534 --> 00:07:48,468
Alan?
Yeah?

164
00:07:48,536 --> 00:07:50,604
Why are you lying to me?

165
00:07:50,671 --> 00:07:51,705
I don't know.

166
00:07:51,772 --> 00:07:53,240
I really suck at it.

167
00:07:53,306 --> 00:07:55,576
You do, indeed.

168
00:07:55,643 --> 00:07:58,045
Don't you care
where I was?

169
00:07:58,111 --> 00:08:00,347
Why would I start now?

170
00:08:00,413 --> 00:08:03,684
Oh, come on, I really need
to get this off my chest.

171
00:08:03,751 --> 00:08:04,652
( sighs )

172
00:08:04,718 --> 00:08:06,687
All right, go ahead.

173
00:08:07,621 --> 00:08:08,922
I was with another woman.

174
00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:11,792
Okay, see, that's
a good lie.

175
00:08:11,859 --> 00:08:15,963
No, no, I really was
with another woman.

176
00:08:16,029 --> 00:08:18,699
Seriously?

177
00:08:18,766 --> 00:08:20,734
You're already doing
a hot 22-year-old,

178
00:08:20,801 --> 00:08:22,770
and you're cheating on her?

179
00:08:23,871 --> 00:08:26,173
Yes.

180
00:08:26,239 --> 00:08:29,242
I am so proud of you!

181
00:08:29,309 --> 00:08:31,078
What?

182
00:08:31,144 --> 00:08:33,080
Who's the dog?
My brother's the dog!

183
00:08:33,146 --> 00:08:37,651
( howling )

184
00:08:37,718 --> 00:08:40,053
Come on, dog, come on,
dog, howl with me!

185
00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:42,990
( howling )

186
00:08:43,056 --> 00:08:46,093
( howling )

187
00:08:49,029 --> 00:08:49,797
Now, stop howling,

188
00:08:49,863 --> 00:08:50,831
and let me explain.

189
00:08:50,898 --> 00:08:52,733
There's nothing
to explain.

190
00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:54,968
You're sleeping with two women
at the same time.

191
00:08:55,035 --> 00:08:57,170
You're a big ol' dog!
( howls )

192
00:08:57,237 --> 00:08:59,472
I haven't been sleeping
with the other woman.

193
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:01,408
( howls inquisitively )

194
00:09:01,474 --> 00:09:03,877
I've been seeing
Jake's teacher.

195
00:09:03,944 --> 00:09:06,346
( howls inquisitively )

196
00:09:06,413 --> 00:09:09,082
All we do is talk.

197
00:09:10,183 --> 00:09:11,952
( howls weakly )

198
00:09:12,019 --> 00:09:14,054
I don't know how
to explain it,

199
00:09:14,121 --> 00:09:16,189
we just have so
much in common.

200
00:09:16,256 --> 00:09:16,957
I mean, she's divorced,

201
00:09:17,024 --> 00:09:18,491
she has a kid
Jake's age,

202
00:09:18,558 --> 00:09:19,960
she reads,
she likes the theater...

203
00:09:20,027 --> 00:09:22,529
Yeah, yeah, but you're
not sleeping with her?

204
00:09:22,596 --> 00:09:23,997
Why would I sleep with her
when I've got Kandi?

205
00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:27,034
I don't know...
'cause you can?

206
00:09:27,100 --> 00:09:29,336
It's not that kind
of relationship.

207
00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:30,370
It's-it's intellectual.

208
00:09:30,437 --> 00:09:33,373
So? Take her to a museum,
enjoy the exhibits,

209
00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:35,108
and do her in
the restroom!

210
00:09:35,175 --> 00:09:37,310
You're missing the point.
No, no, no, no.

211
00:09:37,377 --> 00:09:38,846
You're missing the point.

212
00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:40,480
If you're not getting
laid, it's not cheating.

213
00:09:40,547 --> 00:09:42,082
Then why do I feel
so guilty?

214
00:09:42,149 --> 00:09:44,818
Well, that's easy--
'cause you're an idiot.

215
00:09:44,885 --> 00:09:47,520
I guess I just always
thought that one woman

216
00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:49,389
was supposed to fulfill
all my needs.

217
00:09:49,456 --> 00:09:51,558
Oh, that's an
old wives' tale,

218
00:09:51,625 --> 00:09:53,593
started to protect
the interests of,

219
00:09:53,661 --> 00:09:55,863
you guessed it,
old wives.

220
00:09:55,929 --> 00:09:59,566
So you're saying the whole
concept of monogamy is a fraud?

221
00:09:59,633 --> 00:10:01,268
The institution of marriage
is a sham?

222
00:10:01,334 --> 00:10:02,569
No, no, no.

223
00:10:02,636 --> 00:10:07,174
I'm just saying
bang the teacher.

224
00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:11,912
Why does he make
everything so complicated?

225
00:10:13,546 --> 00:10:15,983
* Men...

226
00:10:17,417 --> 00:10:20,453
There we go.

227
00:10:20,520 --> 00:10:21,588
"Blunderbuss."

228
00:10:21,655 --> 00:10:22,723
Oh, oh...

229
00:10:22,790 --> 00:10:25,558
Very elegant use
of my "under."

230
00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:26,694
Thank you.

231
00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:28,595
Oh, boy.
( doorbell rings )

232
00:10:28,662 --> 00:10:31,665
I have more vowels
than a Honolulu phone book.

233
00:10:31,732 --> 00:10:34,501
You're so clever, Alan.

234
00:10:34,567 --> 00:10:35,769
Thank you.

235
00:10:35,836 --> 00:10:37,671
You am smart, too.

236
00:10:37,738 --> 00:10:40,307
Hey, Alan, can I talk
to you for a sec?

237
00:10:40,373 --> 00:10:42,676
Oh, sure.
Excuse me.

238
00:10:42,743 --> 00:10:45,145
Hurry back.

239
00:10:46,546 --> 00:10:48,515
What's up?

240
00:10:48,581 --> 00:10:49,549
You tell me.

241
00:10:49,616 --> 00:10:51,985
Nothing, we're just
playing Scrabble.

242
00:10:52,052 --> 00:10:53,520
And you know what, I decided
you're right.

243
00:10:53,586 --> 00:10:55,655
There's absolutely nothing to
feel guilty about.

244
00:10:55,723 --> 00:10:57,991
Good to know.
'Cause Kandi's here.

245
00:10:58,892 --> 00:11:03,330
Oh, okay. Um...

246
00:11:03,396 --> 00:11:06,433
It's not a problem.
Uh, uh, uh, here's what we do.

247
00:11:06,499 --> 00:11:06,934
We?

248
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:09,502
Come on, work with me!

249
00:11:09,569 --> 00:11:12,005
You go cover
for me with Kandi

250
00:11:12,072 --> 00:11:13,974
and I'll get Francine
the hell outta here.

251
00:11:14,041 --> 00:11:16,209
But I thought there was nothing
to feel guilty about.

252
00:11:16,276 --> 00:11:17,978
Yeah, yeah, you know that
and I know that.

253
00:11:18,045 --> 00:11:19,346
Now, go lie
to Kandi about it.

254
00:11:19,412 --> 00:11:24,251
Fine, I'll tell her you went to
Staples to see Roger.

255
00:11:24,317 --> 00:11:25,252
Who?

256
00:11:27,788 --> 00:11:30,958
Hey, why don't we go take
a walk on the beach?

257
00:11:31,024 --> 00:11:32,225
What about the game?

258
00:11:32,292 --> 00:11:35,195
Screw the game. I concede.
You win. Well played.

259
00:11:35,262 --> 00:11:37,965
All right.

260
00:11:38,031 --> 00:11:39,066
It is a
beautiful night.

261
00:11:39,132 --> 00:11:41,301
Yeah, yeah, let's go enjoy
it on the beach.

262
00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:43,470
Come on.
Chop chop.

263
00:11:48,341 --> 00:11:50,077
Kandi?

264
00:11:50,143 --> 00:11:51,644
Wha...?

265
00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:53,546
Alan must've slipped out.

266
00:11:53,613 --> 00:11:55,749
You're lying to me, Charlie.

267
00:11:55,816 --> 00:11:56,483
No, I'm not.

268
00:11:56,549 --> 00:11:58,218
Oh, okay.

269
00:11:58,285 --> 00:12:01,221
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Don't
you wanna know where he is?

270
00:12:01,288 --> 00:12:02,322
Where who is?

271
00:12:02,389 --> 00:12:03,423
Alan.

272
00:12:03,490 --> 00:12:07,394
Sure, why not?

273
00:12:07,460 --> 00:12:09,997
All right, the truth is...

274
00:12:10,063 --> 00:12:13,566
Alan is out trying to find
the perfect gift for you.

275
00:12:13,633 --> 00:12:15,035
Really?
Yes.

276
00:12:15,102 --> 00:12:20,140
He wants to surprise you with
something extremely expensive.

277
00:12:20,207 --> 00:12:21,608
Ooh!

278
00:12:21,674 --> 00:12:22,675
Can you give me a hint?

279
00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:24,177
Well, let's see...

280
00:12:24,244 --> 00:12:26,980
it's something that's
a girl's best friend

281
00:12:27,047 --> 00:12:30,350
and looks good wrapped
around their neck.

282
00:12:30,417 --> 00:12:34,687
I'm getting a monkey?

283
00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:37,524
No, no, it's...

284
00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:39,592
Oh, good Lord.

285
00:12:39,659 --> 00:12:41,661
A diamond necklace.

286
00:12:41,728 --> 00:12:43,931
Oh, that's nice, too.

287
00:12:43,997 --> 00:12:46,867
Just remember, you didn't
hear it from me.

288
00:12:46,934 --> 00:12:49,336
Then who'd I hear it from?

289
00:12:51,704 --> 00:12:53,974
Nobody.

290
00:12:54,041 --> 00:12:55,475
When he gives it
to you,

291
00:12:55,542 --> 00:12:56,743
act surprised.

292
00:12:56,810 --> 00:12:59,512
Don't worry, I'll be
really surprised.

293
00:12:59,579 --> 00:13:01,781
Good, good, good.

294
00:13:01,849 --> 00:13:04,217
So will he.

295
00:13:08,355 --> 00:13:12,125
( slow piano chords playing )

296
00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:17,831
( tunelessly ):
* Nothing really matters

297
00:13:17,898 --> 00:13:20,968
* Anyone can see

298
00:13:21,034 --> 00:13:22,903
* Nothing really

299
00:13:22,970 --> 00:13:24,905
* Matters

300
00:13:24,972 --> 00:13:29,576
* Nothing really matters

301
00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:34,514
* To me.

302
00:13:37,084 --> 00:13:41,421
That's... that's...
that's terrific.

303
00:13:41,488 --> 00:13:42,789
Wanna hear it again?

304
00:13:42,856 --> 00:13:44,091
No.

305
00:13:44,157 --> 00:13:46,093
W-We don't wanna strain
your voice.

306
00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:48,528
You think I'm gonna do okay
at the audition?

307
00:13:48,595 --> 00:13:51,498
Well, you never know how
these things are gonna go.
Yeah.

308
00:13:51,564 --> 00:13:55,202
Just hope I have
a decent piano player.

309
00:13:58,438 --> 00:14:00,607
I thought you were working with
him. What's the problem?

310
00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:04,511
Okay, there's a technical term
we musicians use.

311
00:14:05,312 --> 00:14:09,049
Jake... stinks.

312
00:14:09,116 --> 00:14:10,583
Is there anything we can do?

313
00:14:10,650 --> 00:14:14,154
We can hope "stinks"
suddenly becomes popular,

314
00:14:14,221 --> 00:14:16,356
but I wouldn't count on it.

315
00:14:16,423 --> 00:14:20,293
Oh, by the way, you need to buy
Kandi a diamond necklace.

316
00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:21,328
Wh-what?

317
00:14:21,394 --> 00:14:23,196
You told me to cover for you.

318
00:14:23,263 --> 00:14:25,165
I said you were out
buying her jewelry.

319
00:14:25,232 --> 00:14:27,000
That's all you could think of?

320
00:14:27,067 --> 00:14:29,569
Well, I could think
of a lot of things,

321
00:14:29,636 --> 00:14:31,905
but only one made me laugh.

322
00:14:31,972 --> 00:14:36,376
I can't afford
to buy her jewelry.

323
00:14:36,443 --> 00:14:38,611
I know.

324
00:14:38,678 --> 00:14:41,481
That's what makes it funny.

325
00:14:44,351 --> 00:14:46,786
* Men...

326
00:14:46,853 --> 00:14:49,256
It must've been so expensive.

327
00:14:49,322 --> 00:14:51,358
Yeah.

328
00:14:51,424 --> 00:14:56,229
You do realize this entitles you
to extra special bonus sex.

329
00:14:56,296 --> 00:14:59,699
What is extra
special bonus sex?

330
00:14:59,766 --> 00:15:02,735
It's whatever
you want it to be.

331
00:15:02,802 --> 00:15:06,606
That sounds like fun.

332
00:15:06,673 --> 00:15:08,275
( knocking at door )

333
00:15:08,341 --> 00:15:09,776
Go away!

334
00:15:09,842 --> 00:15:11,111
CHARLIE:
Okay.

335
00:15:11,178 --> 00:15:14,447
I'll just play Scrabble
till you're ready.

336
00:15:15,582 --> 00:15:17,550
Give me a sec.

337
00:15:22,189 --> 00:15:24,624
Please don't tell me
Francine is here.

338
00:15:24,691 --> 00:15:26,659
Okay.

339
00:15:26,726 --> 00:15:27,894
Wait, wait, wait!

340
00:15:27,961 --> 00:15:29,429
Francine is here?

341
00:15:29,496 --> 00:15:31,498
Yeah, you want me
to cover for you?

342
00:15:31,564 --> 00:15:31,965
Yes.

343
00:15:32,032 --> 00:15:33,633
I'm on it.

344
00:15:33,700 --> 00:15:35,335
Wait.

345
00:15:35,402 --> 00:15:38,071
Charlie, I'm begging you,
no more jewelry.

346
00:15:38,138 --> 00:15:41,674
Don't worry,
it's not funny twice.

347
00:15:45,979 --> 00:15:48,381
Sorry, he must've gone out.

348
00:15:48,448 --> 00:15:52,252
Oh, okay.
Tell him I stopped by.

349
00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:56,823
Francine, wait.

350
00:15:56,889 --> 00:15:57,991
I can't do this.

351
00:15:58,058 --> 00:15:59,759
Do what?

352
00:15:59,826 --> 00:16:03,396
I'm not a good liar.

353
00:16:03,463 --> 00:16:06,166
I know where he is, I'm just not
supposed to tell you.

354
00:16:06,233 --> 00:16:08,668
Well, the thing is,

355
00:16:08,735 --> 00:16:10,870
Alan does a lot of charity work.

356
00:16:10,937 --> 00:16:14,507
Really?
Oh, yeah.

357
00:16:14,574 --> 00:16:17,477
Right now, for instance, he's
down at the nursing home

358
00:16:17,544 --> 00:16:20,413
giving sponge baths
to old people.

359
00:16:20,480 --> 00:16:24,951
They don't go out a lot, so they
tend to get dusty.

360
00:16:25,018 --> 00:16:26,286
I had no idea.

361
00:16:26,353 --> 00:16:28,921
In fact, just the other night,

362
00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:34,061
he was down on Skid Row teaching
salsa dancing to crack addicts.

363
00:16:34,127 --> 00:16:35,695
Oh, my goodness.

364
00:16:35,762 --> 00:16:39,399
They have the energy, they just
lack the focus.

365
00:16:40,667 --> 00:16:43,103
But I think...
I think what he's proudest of

366
00:16:43,170 --> 00:16:44,637
is his work with the kids.

367
00:16:44,704 --> 00:16:48,141
He takes runaways who've been
forced to live on the streets

368
00:16:48,208 --> 00:16:51,444
and teaches them
how to live in the woods.

369
00:16:53,012 --> 00:16:54,447
I don't really see the point,

370
00:16:54,514 --> 00:16:58,651
but those little urchins seem to
thrive in the wild.

371
00:16:58,718 --> 00:17:00,320
It's like he's a saint.

372
00:17:00,387 --> 00:17:03,856
You must be so proud to have him
as your brother.

373
00:17:03,923 --> 00:17:08,128
Well, truth be told, he does
bring me a lot of joy.

374
00:17:09,496 --> 00:17:11,764
Thank you for telling
me this, Charlie.

375
00:17:11,831 --> 00:17:13,833
You're welcome.

376
00:17:13,900 --> 00:17:16,603
Just promise me you won't
embarrass him by bringing it up.

377
00:17:16,669 --> 00:17:18,037
Oh, not a word.

378
00:17:18,105 --> 00:17:21,408
I just hope I can
be worthy of him.

379
00:17:23,476 --> 00:17:26,413
( to himself ):
And the plot moistens.

380
00:17:28,881 --> 00:17:30,083
* Men...

381
00:17:30,150 --> 00:17:32,719
Well, that's
terrific, buddy.

382
00:17:32,785 --> 00:17:34,187
I'm so proud of you.

383
00:17:34,254 --> 00:17:37,590
Yeah, sure,
I'll tell him.

384
00:17:37,657 --> 00:17:39,492
All right, love ya.

385
00:17:39,559 --> 00:17:40,693
Bye-bye.

386
00:17:40,760 --> 00:17:41,694
Guess what?

387
00:17:41,761 --> 00:17:45,565
Jake just got the lead
in the school musical.

388
00:17:45,632 --> 00:17:46,699
The lead?

389
00:17:46,766 --> 00:17:50,203
What happened, did every other
kid in school get mono?

390
00:17:50,270 --> 00:17:52,639
No, I think it was Francine.

391
00:17:52,705 --> 00:17:55,875
I think she cast Jake because of
our relationship.

392
00:17:55,942 --> 00:17:57,444
You mean it's gotten physical?

393
00:17:57,510 --> 00:18:00,147
You're sleeping his way
to the top?

394
00:18:00,213 --> 00:18:02,915
No, no, nothing happened
between us.

395
00:18:02,982 --> 00:18:05,852
But I think she's fallen for me.

396
00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:06,986
Really?

397
00:18:07,053 --> 00:18:08,821
What makes you think that?

398
00:18:08,888 --> 00:18:12,592
Well, I had lunch with her today
and she was looking at me with,

399
00:18:12,659 --> 00:18:17,130
I don't know, worship
in her eyes...

400
00:18:17,197 --> 00:18:19,832
like I was.
some kind of...

401
00:18:19,899 --> 00:18:22,068
Saint?
Yes! Yes!

402
00:18:22,135 --> 00:18:24,103
How'd you know?

403
00:18:24,171 --> 00:18:26,539
Well, that's how
I think of you.

404
00:18:26,606 --> 00:18:28,175
Very funny.
But look,

405
00:18:28,241 --> 00:18:30,843
I've been doing my best not to
lead her on,

406
00:18:30,910 --> 00:18:34,747
but I guess I just
underestimated my allure.

407
00:18:34,814 --> 00:18:36,816
Say that again.

408
00:18:36,883 --> 00:18:38,251
What?

409
00:18:38,318 --> 00:18:39,386
That last part.

410
00:18:39,452 --> 00:18:41,888
You mean...
I underestimated my allure?

411
00:18:44,924 --> 00:18:46,359
Yeah, that's it.

412
00:18:46,426 --> 00:18:49,896
I'm sorry, am I missing
something?

413
00:18:49,962 --> 00:18:52,131
No, not a thing.

414
00:18:52,199 --> 00:18:55,302
Well, good.

415
00:18:55,368 --> 00:18:58,471
You see, Alan?
That's how you lie.

416
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:02,842
* Men...

417
00:19:08,181 --> 00:19:10,049
Pretty exciting, huh?
Opening night.

418
00:19:10,116 --> 00:19:14,587
Well, having seen the previews,
I'm betting closing night, too.

419
00:19:14,654 --> 00:19:16,956
Boy, this brings back
memories.

420
00:19:17,023 --> 00:19:20,927
Sixth grade was the happiest two
years of my life.

421
00:19:24,531 --> 00:19:28,468
Oh... it's the finger.

422
00:19:31,804 --> 00:19:35,842
So, Kandi, what's your
favorite musical?

423
00:19:35,908 --> 00:19:38,211
The trombone.

424
00:19:41,147 --> 00:19:42,682
I can't believe you
brought her here.

425
00:19:42,749 --> 00:19:45,452
I had to.
Jake invited her.

426
00:19:45,518 --> 00:19:47,787
Is that a diamond necklace?

427
00:19:47,854 --> 00:19:49,656
You never gave me
a diamond necklace.

428
00:19:49,722 --> 00:19:53,860
Yeah, well, you never gave
me extra special bonus sex.

429
00:19:53,926 --> 00:19:54,861
Hi, Charlie.

430
00:19:54,927 --> 00:19:56,062
Hi.
Who's this?

431
00:19:56,128 --> 00:19:57,897
This?
Oh, this is Kandi.

432
00:19:57,964 --> 00:19:59,299
Hi.
I'm with Alan.

433
00:19:59,366 --> 00:20:04,036
Oh, are you one of the young
people he takes care of?

434
00:20:04,103 --> 00:20:05,772
Yep, good old Saint Alan.

435
00:20:05,838 --> 00:20:08,475
Just can't do enough
for the kids.

436
00:20:08,541 --> 00:20:10,677
Look at this diamond
necklace he gave me.

437
00:20:10,743 --> 00:20:13,580
He gave you a
diamond necklace?

438
00:20:13,646 --> 00:20:16,983
Don't get the wrong idea.
It wasn't to get me to have sex.

439
00:20:17,049 --> 00:20:17,817
Oh.

440
00:20:17,884 --> 00:20:22,789
I was already doing
everything he wanted.

441
00:20:22,855 --> 00:20:26,959
I am as shocked
as you are.

442
00:20:27,026 --> 00:20:30,397
* Men...

443
00:20:35,268 --> 00:20:38,871
* To fight the unbeatable foe

444
00:20:38,938 --> 00:20:44,644
* To bear
with unbearable sorrow *

445
00:20:44,711 --> 00:20:48,214
* To run where the brave
dare not go *

446
00:20:48,281 --> 00:20:50,983
* This is my quest

447
00:20:51,050 --> 00:20:52,084
( mouthing )

448
00:20:52,151 --> 00:20:55,922
* To follow that star,
no matter how hopeless *

449
00:20:55,988 --> 00:20:59,359
* No matter how far

450
00:20:59,426 --> 00:21:03,596
* And the world
will be better for this *

451
00:21:03,663 --> 00:21:07,367
* That one man, scorned and
covered with scars... *

452
00:21:07,434 --> 00:21:09,201
What was that about?

453
00:21:09,268 --> 00:21:12,705
Funny story.
I'll tell you later.

454
00:21:12,772 --> 00:21:21,013
* To reach the
unreachable staaaaaaarrrrrs! *