1
00:00:02,870 --> 00:00:04,272
You're up early.

2
00:00:04,338 --> 00:00:06,974
Well, it's a beautiful day,
shame to waste it sleeping.

3
00:00:07,041 --> 00:00:08,876
Must have got to bed
early then.

4
00:00:08,942 --> 00:00:10,044
I guess.

5
00:00:10,111 --> 00:00:11,679
Well, you know
what they say.

6
00:00:11,745 --> 00:00:15,049
Early to bed, early to rise,
makes a man, healthy, wealthy

7
00:00:15,116 --> 00:00:17,151
and can't get laid, huh?

8
00:00:17,218 --> 00:00:19,387
Maybe I'm not trying.

9
00:00:19,453 --> 00:00:24,058
Yeah. And look for me next month
on the cover of Maxim.

10
00:00:24,125 --> 00:00:27,261
I'll have nothing on
but the vacuum.

11
00:00:28,896 --> 00:00:30,131
Hey, you're up early.

12
00:00:30,198 --> 00:00:32,133
Yes, Alan, I'm up early.

13
00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:33,301
I went to bed early
and I slept alone.

14
00:00:33,367 --> 00:00:34,768
Anything else you want to know?

15
00:00:34,835 --> 00:00:38,439
Was I this cranky
when I wasn't having sex?

16
00:00:38,506 --> 00:00:41,742
Nah, you were more
of a sullen whiner.

17
00:00:43,311 --> 00:00:44,512
Okay, Huggy Bear,
I gotta go.

18
00:00:44,578 --> 00:00:46,180
All right, Kandi.
Have a good day.

19
00:00:46,247 --> 00:00:48,316
Yo, Daisy Mae.

20
00:00:49,417 --> 00:00:50,618
Just out of curiosity,

21
00:00:50,684 --> 00:00:52,920
when you leave here,
where is it you go?

22
00:00:52,986 --> 00:00:54,088
To the gym.

23
00:00:54,155 --> 00:00:57,858
I have to take care of my body
'cause it's my instrument.

24
00:00:57,925 --> 00:00:59,293
Mine, too.

25
00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:01,262
Three beers and a bratwurst

26
00:01:01,329 --> 00:01:04,765
and my ass turns
into a French horn.

27
00:01:06,634 --> 00:01:07,668
Really?

28
00:01:07,735 --> 00:01:11,539
Whenever I have beer and
bratwurst, I just fart a lot.

29
00:01:11,605 --> 00:01:14,508
Okay, okay, Kandi, well,
I'll see you tonight.

30
00:01:14,575 --> 00:01:16,344
Bye, everybody.

31
00:01:16,410 --> 00:01:17,678
Congratulations, Alan.

32
00:01:17,745 --> 00:01:20,648
It looks like you've officially
boinked her brains out.

33
00:01:20,714 --> 00:01:24,585
Okay, so she's not
overly sophisticated.

34
00:01:24,652 --> 00:01:25,886
Sophisticated?

35
00:01:25,953 --> 00:01:28,489
She's two marbles rolling
around in a tin can.

36
00:01:28,556 --> 00:01:31,024
Hey, she's got a great heart,

37
00:01:31,091 --> 00:01:34,695
she's warm and loving
and she genuinely cares for me.

38
00:01:34,762 --> 00:01:36,764
I stand corrected.

39
00:01:36,830 --> 00:01:37,831
One marble.

40
00:01:39,867 --> 00:01:42,002
Look, buddy,
I'm happy you finally found

41
00:01:42,069 --> 00:01:46,574
an instrument to play
that isn't in your own pants...

42
00:01:46,640 --> 00:01:48,776
but she's been spending
a lot of time here

43
00:01:48,842 --> 00:01:49,777
and if you're not careful,

44
00:01:49,843 --> 00:01:51,879
pretty soon
she's gonna want to move in.

45
00:01:51,945 --> 00:01:53,614
Would that be so bad?

46
00:01:53,681 --> 00:01:56,650
Hey, I don't have a lot
of rules around here,

47
00:01:56,717 --> 00:01:59,287
but nine of the top ten
are just different ways

48
00:01:59,353 --> 00:02:01,889
of saying "women are not
allowed to live here."

49
00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:03,891
They come and they go.

50
00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:06,694
Often they do one of those
things multiple times,

51
00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:09,029
but in the end,
they always go.

52
00:02:09,096 --> 00:02:11,432
But why is that
so important?

53
00:02:11,499 --> 00:02:14,034
Alan, there's
a natural balance in this house

54
00:02:14,101 --> 00:02:15,736
which must not be upset.

55
00:02:15,803 --> 00:02:17,171
It's like
the Amazon rain forest.

56
00:02:17,238 --> 00:02:20,208
Bring in one too many spider
monkeys and before you know it

57
00:02:20,274 --> 00:02:22,276
you're up to your ass
in tree frogs.

58
00:02:22,343 --> 00:02:24,945
Oh, tree frogs.
That clears everything up.

59
00:02:25,012 --> 00:02:28,282
Don't patronize me,
you hump-happy simpleton.

60
00:02:28,349 --> 00:02:29,750
You know what I'm saying?

61
00:02:29,817 --> 00:02:32,853
I do-- you're saying that
if Kandi were to move in here

62
00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:35,022
it would be an environmental
disaster of epic proportions.

63
00:02:35,088 --> 00:02:36,424
Exactly.

64
00:02:36,490 --> 00:02:38,426
So I guess now
would be a bad time to tell you

65
00:02:38,492 --> 00:02:39,960
that she's been living here
the past three weeks.

66
00:02:40,027 --> 00:02:41,929
What?

67
00:02:41,995 --> 00:02:44,565
Who's the simpleton now?

68
00:02:44,632 --> 00:02:47,100
Kandi got evicted from her
apartment three weeks ago

69
00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:48,402
and she moved in here.

70
00:02:48,469 --> 00:02:51,339
Oh, please, if a woman
was living in my own house

71
00:02:51,405 --> 00:02:54,141
for that long
I think I'd notice.

72
00:02:54,208 --> 00:02:55,409
Oh, really? Really?

73
00:02:55,476 --> 00:02:57,578
Well, uh, let's try
a little experiment.

74
00:02:57,645 --> 00:03:01,148
What color is the couch
in the living room?

75
00:03:01,215 --> 00:03:03,251
The couch?

76
00:03:03,317 --> 00:03:05,386
Ah-ah. No peeking.

77
00:03:05,453 --> 00:03:06,487
What color is it?

78
00:03:06,554 --> 00:03:10,924
Well, it's, uh, kind of a...

79
00:03:10,991 --> 00:03:14,462
beige-ish...

80
00:03:17,231 --> 00:03:20,067
Tan.

81
00:03:20,133 --> 00:03:21,369
You sure?

82
00:03:21,435 --> 00:03:22,870
Yeah, I'm sure.

83
00:03:22,936 --> 00:03:24,037
Go look.

84
00:03:24,104 --> 00:03:25,706
Fine.

85
00:03:32,413 --> 00:03:35,082
What the hell is that?

86
00:03:35,148 --> 00:03:36,116
Your couch.

87
00:03:36,183 --> 00:03:37,951
Jake spilled grape
juice on it last summer

88
00:03:38,018 --> 00:03:39,353
and I had it
re-upholstered.

89
00:03:39,420 --> 00:03:40,721
Last summer?

90
00:03:40,788 --> 00:03:42,423
Yeah, it was gone
almost a month.

91
00:03:42,490 --> 00:03:43,757
Berta and I had a bet

92
00:03:43,824 --> 00:03:45,726
on how long it would
take you to notice.

93
00:03:45,793 --> 00:03:48,496
I had 50 bucks
on never.

94
00:03:48,562 --> 00:03:51,499
All right, this is unacceptable.

95
00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:53,467
This is my house
and if furniture's

96
00:03:53,534 --> 00:03:55,303
gonna get re-upholstered
or moved

97
00:03:55,369 --> 00:03:57,004
or changed in any way
whatsoever,

98
00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:58,639
I demand to be consulted.

99
00:03:58,706 --> 00:04:01,241
Okay, from now on.
I promise.

100
00:04:01,309 --> 00:04:02,242
Thank you.

101
00:04:04,278 --> 00:04:06,380
I bought the damn thing.

102
00:04:06,447 --> 00:04:08,316
You'd think I'd have a vote.

103
00:04:08,382 --> 00:04:10,718
Maybe show me a swatch.

104
00:04:13,887 --> 00:04:15,155
Hey, wait a minute!

105
00:04:15,222 --> 00:04:17,925
Did somebody say
Kandi's living here?

106
00:04:17,991 --> 00:04:20,894
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *

107
00:04:20,961 --> 00:04:24,298
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *
* Ooh

108
00:04:24,365 --> 00:04:27,435
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men *
* Ooh
* Ooh

109
00:04:27,501 --> 00:04:29,537
* Ooh-ooh-ooh,
ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

110
00:04:29,603 --> 00:04:31,939
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *

111
00:04:32,005 --> 00:04:35,275
* Ooh
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *

112
00:04:35,343 --> 00:04:40,448
* Ah.
* Men.
* Men.

113
00:04:45,085 --> 00:04:46,854
Boy, am I thirsty.

114
00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:49,690
That's 'cause you sweat
so much during sex.

115
00:04:49,757 --> 00:04:52,960
Hey, I may not have
the biggest boat in the marina,

116
00:04:53,026 --> 00:04:54,695
but nobody rows harder than me.

117
00:04:57,064 --> 00:04:58,198
You have a boat?

118
00:04:58,265 --> 00:05:00,968
No, sweetie, what I meant was...

119
00:05:01,034 --> 00:05:02,636
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

120
00:05:02,703 --> 00:05:05,873
Some of us don't want to hear
about your little dinghy.

121
00:05:05,939 --> 00:05:07,508
Oh, hi, Charlie.

122
00:05:07,575 --> 00:05:08,976
What're you
doing here?

123
00:05:09,042 --> 00:05:10,978
You know, I was asking
myself the same thing,

124
00:05:11,044 --> 00:05:14,815
so I did a little research
and it turns out, it's my house.

125
00:05:14,882 --> 00:05:17,618
Yeah, but I thought
you were going out.

126
00:05:17,685 --> 00:05:20,187
I did go out.
And then I came back.

127
00:05:20,253 --> 00:05:21,455
Alone?

128
00:05:21,522 --> 00:05:24,725
No, Alan, I brought home
an invisible cocktail waitress.

129
00:05:26,126 --> 00:05:28,128
She's doing me even as we speak.

130
00:05:28,195 --> 00:05:29,930
You're right.

131
00:05:29,997 --> 00:05:32,265
There's no way you could've
been that cranky.

132
00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:35,369
You want some
company, Charlie?

133
00:05:35,436 --> 00:05:38,338
Alan can't have sex again
for at least 30 minutes.

134
00:05:40,708 --> 00:05:43,711
That's a rough
estimate.

135
00:05:43,777 --> 00:05:46,313
Thanks, but I'd really
rather be alone.

136
00:05:46,380 --> 00:05:47,515
Okeydoke.

137
00:05:47,581 --> 00:05:50,818
Come on, I think he
wants to masturbate.

138
00:05:55,789 --> 00:05:58,358
Not for at least 30 minutes.

139
00:06:00,260 --> 00:06:02,062
* Men *

140
00:06:07,501 --> 00:06:08,669
Okay, I haven't
sampled anything

141
00:06:08,736 --> 00:06:10,571
from the other side
of the buffet

142
00:06:10,638 --> 00:06:12,806
since I traveled
with the Grateful Dead,

143
00:06:12,873 --> 00:06:15,976
but golly Moses,
she's a muffin.

144
00:06:17,745 --> 00:06:19,613
Interesting turn
of events, huh?

145
00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:21,281
Your brother
hitting one

146
00:06:21,348 --> 00:06:22,683
of your hand-me-downs,

147
00:06:22,750 --> 00:06:24,685
and the way things are going,
you couldn't get laid

148
00:06:24,752 --> 00:06:26,687
if you painted your penis
to look like money.

149
00:06:26,754 --> 00:06:29,657
Don't think I haven't tried.

150
00:06:29,723 --> 00:06:33,661
I'm reminded of the tale
of the tortoise and the hare.

151
00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:35,729
Isn't there something
you could be doing?

152
00:06:35,796 --> 00:06:41,769
Well, I could rub some oil on
her, but I don't trust myself.

153
00:06:41,835 --> 00:06:44,304
Berta, please don't take this
the wrong way,

154
00:06:44,371 --> 00:06:46,607
but it's been
a long time for me,

155
00:06:46,674 --> 00:06:48,976
and you're starting
to turn me on.

156
00:06:49,042 --> 00:06:52,012
I'm out of here.

157
00:06:53,380 --> 00:06:54,582
KANDI:
Hi, Berta.

158
00:06:54,648 --> 00:06:57,585
BERTA:
Hey, baby.

159
00:06:57,651 --> 00:06:58,752
Hi, Charlie.

160
00:06:58,819 --> 00:07:00,120
Hi.

161
00:07:00,187 --> 00:07:02,289
Boy, this
is weird, huh?

162
00:07:02,355 --> 00:07:04,692
In so many ways.

163
00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:06,794
But which one
caught your attention?

164
00:07:06,860 --> 00:07:09,830
Well, I've never slept
with brothers before.

165
00:07:09,897 --> 00:07:11,198
I mean, at different times.

166
00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:15,102
And one can't help
but make comparisons.

167
00:07:15,168 --> 00:07:17,004
No kidding?

168
00:07:18,271 --> 00:07:21,074
So how big a difference
are we talking about?

169
00:07:21,141 --> 00:07:23,944
It's huge.

170
00:07:24,011 --> 00:07:25,378
Really?

171
00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:26,680
Oh, yeah.

172
00:07:26,747 --> 00:07:29,282
With you, sex was kind of like
going on Space Mountain.

173
00:07:29,349 --> 00:07:33,186
It's a good ride, but there's
never any real danger.

174
00:07:33,253 --> 00:07:36,389
With Alan, it's like being
in the back seat of a car

175
00:07:36,456 --> 00:07:40,027
driven by a really
smart kangaroo.

176
00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:44,397
He may go up on
the curb a couple of times,

177
00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:46,667
but he'll get you there.

178
00:07:48,536 --> 00:07:52,039
Okay, thanks
for clearing that up.

179
00:07:52,105 --> 00:07:55,809
( doorbell chimes )
I'll get it.

180
00:07:55,876 --> 00:08:01,582
There's a two-hour wait
for Space Mountain.

181
00:08:03,383 --> 00:08:04,284
Hi, Mrs. Harper.

182
00:08:04,351 --> 00:08:06,119
Oh, dear Lord.

183
00:08:06,186 --> 00:08:08,288
Hey, Kandi, I got
Evil Dead 3 for Xbox.

184
00:08:08,355 --> 00:08:09,557
Sweet!

185
00:08:09,623 --> 00:08:12,993
Kandi, maybe you'd like
to go put some clothes on.

186
00:08:13,060 --> 00:08:13,794
Why?

187
00:08:13,861 --> 00:08:16,830
Yeah, she ain't
hurting anybody.

188
00:08:18,766 --> 00:08:22,235
I just don't think that outfit
is appropriate for Jake.

189
00:08:22,302 --> 00:08:23,503
Oh, I agree.

190
00:08:23,571 --> 00:08:26,640
He would look
ridiculous in this.

191
00:08:26,707 --> 00:08:29,342
Can you get Alan for me?

192
00:08:29,409 --> 00:08:30,644
He's not back from work yet.

193
00:08:30,711 --> 00:08:32,546
He's not? Then what
are you doing here?

194
00:08:32,613 --> 00:08:35,515
I live here now.
Didn't Alan tell you?

195
00:08:35,583 --> 00:08:37,585
No, he did not.

196
00:08:37,651 --> 00:08:39,486
Charlie, I want
to talk to you.

197
00:08:39,553 --> 00:08:41,221
Good to know.

198
00:08:41,288 --> 00:08:42,590
Charlie, get over here!

199
00:08:42,656 --> 00:08:45,058
( groans )

200
00:08:45,125 --> 00:08:48,161
It was nice seeing you,
Mrs. Harper.

201
00:08:49,930 --> 00:08:52,365
What in God's name
does she see in him?

202
00:08:52,432 --> 00:08:55,903
Well, I don't have all
the details, Mrs. Harper,

203
00:08:55,969 --> 00:08:58,939
but apparently when he's
not being emasculated

204
00:08:59,006 --> 00:09:00,741
and demoralized
on a daily basis,

205
00:09:00,808 --> 00:09:02,576
he's quite the lover.

206
00:09:02,643 --> 00:09:03,877
What's that supposed
to mean?

207
00:09:03,944 --> 00:09:05,345
You know what they say.

208
00:09:05,412 --> 00:09:07,414
Your average man's
like a good field mule.

209
00:09:07,480 --> 00:09:10,550
If you don't beat him,
he'll keep plowing all day long.

210
00:09:10,618 --> 00:09:12,485
Nobody says that.

211
00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:15,022
You're hard to fool.

212
00:09:16,223 --> 00:09:17,758
Look, I don't mean
to be rude,

213
00:09:17,825 --> 00:09:19,960
but I'm tired
of talking to you.

214
00:09:24,031 --> 00:09:26,066
* Men *

215
00:09:28,335 --> 00:09:30,738
I had an interesting chat
with your ex-wife today.

216
00:09:30,804 --> 00:09:33,741
Oh, can't we just have
a nice dinner?

217
00:09:33,807 --> 00:09:34,908
I like her.

218
00:09:34,975 --> 00:09:36,777
( contemptuously ):
Why?

219
00:09:36,844 --> 00:09:39,312
( pleasantly ):
Uh... why?

220
00:09:40,881 --> 00:09:42,716
Well, unlike most
ex-wives I've known,

221
00:09:42,783 --> 00:09:45,786
she's never tried
to run me over with her car.

222
00:09:47,087 --> 00:09:50,791
Okay, new dinner conversation.

223
00:09:50,858 --> 00:09:52,259
Jake, how was school?

224
00:09:52,325 --> 00:09:55,963
I don't think this conversation
will make you any happier, Dad.

225
00:09:56,029 --> 00:09:58,465
What now?

226
00:09:58,531 --> 00:10:00,600
We had a surprise test today.

227
00:10:00,668 --> 00:10:01,702
And?

228
00:10:01,769 --> 00:10:04,071
I was really surprised.

229
00:10:04,137 --> 00:10:06,239
So, in other words,
you weren't prepared.

230
00:10:06,306 --> 00:10:09,342
You can't prepare
for a surprise, Dad.

231
00:10:10,210 --> 00:10:11,311
New conversation?

232
00:10:11,378 --> 00:10:13,947
Jake, what are we gonna do?

233
00:10:14,014 --> 00:10:15,615
You've really fallen
behind this year.

234
00:10:15,683 --> 00:10:19,619
I know. I think it's a delayed
reaction to your divorce.

235
00:10:19,687 --> 00:10:21,655
Oh?

236
00:10:21,722 --> 00:10:24,291
Yeah, it took a while,
but my teachers

237
00:10:24,357 --> 00:10:27,127
have finally stopped
feeling sorry for me.

238
00:10:27,194 --> 00:10:29,196
You know, I'm a child
of divorce, too, Jake.

239
00:10:29,262 --> 00:10:30,430
Really?

240
00:10:30,497 --> 00:10:32,232
How old were you when
your parents split up?

241
00:10:32,299 --> 00:10:33,366
Twenty-two.

242
00:10:33,433 --> 00:10:35,268
But you're 22 now.

243
00:10:35,335 --> 00:10:36,870
22 and a half.

244
00:10:36,937 --> 00:10:40,340
Boy, what I'd give
to be 22 again.

245
00:10:42,442 --> 00:10:44,377
New subject?

246
00:10:44,444 --> 00:10:45,979
No. No more conversation.

247
00:10:46,046 --> 00:10:48,581
Jake, if you're finished,
just go do your homework.

248
00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:49,950
I'm gonna need help.

249
00:10:50,017 --> 00:10:51,484
You don't need help,
you need to focus.

250
00:10:51,551 --> 00:10:52,986
I'll help you, Jake.

251
00:10:53,053 --> 00:10:54,688
Do you know anything
about geometry?

252
00:10:54,755 --> 00:10:59,259
Well, I know it's what you say
when you turn into a tree.

253
00:10:59,326 --> 00:11:00,493
Get it?

254
00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:02,863
Gee, I'm a tree.

255
00:11:04,397 --> 00:11:05,365
Good one.

256
00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:09,102
Boy, I hope
when they get to Oz

257
00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:13,140
the wizard has two brains
to give out.

258
00:11:13,206 --> 00:11:15,475
And speaking of out,
when's Kandi leaving?

259
00:11:15,542 --> 00:11:17,044
You don't have to worry.

260
00:11:17,110 --> 00:11:17,677
Because?

261
00:11:17,745 --> 00:11:19,312
I have a plan.

262
00:11:19,379 --> 00:11:21,982
Alan, if history
has taught us anything,

263
00:11:22,049 --> 00:11:25,518
it's that both those statements
cannot be true.

264
00:11:25,585 --> 00:11:26,887
It's very simple.

265
00:11:26,954 --> 00:11:29,656
You give a man a fish,
he eats for a day.

266
00:11:29,723 --> 00:11:31,091
You teach him to fish,
he eats forever.

267
00:11:31,158 --> 00:11:35,495
Okay, okay, in that example
is Kandi the man or the fish?

268
00:11:35,562 --> 00:11:37,164
I found her a job.

269
00:11:37,230 --> 00:11:39,632
Within a few weeks she'll be
able to afford her own place

270
00:11:39,699 --> 00:11:41,534
and she won't have
to depend on me anymore.

271
00:11:41,601 --> 00:11:42,602
Where is she working?

272
00:11:42,669 --> 00:11:44,738
Uh, she's going to be
our receptionist.

273
00:11:44,805 --> 00:11:46,706
That's your plan?

274
00:11:46,774 --> 00:11:50,477
Why, it's... it's... brilliant!

275
00:11:51,812 --> 00:11:53,280
What? She's attractive,

276
00:11:53,346 --> 00:11:54,948
she's friendly,
she's more than capable

277
00:11:55,015 --> 00:11:56,183
of answering the phones.

278
00:11:56,249 --> 00:11:58,018
Alan, you ever hear
the expression

279
00:11:58,085 --> 00:11:59,419
"don't crap where you eat"?

280
00:11:59,486 --> 00:12:01,922
Well, you, my friend,
are dropping plunkies

281
00:12:01,989 --> 00:12:03,824
all over the dessert cart.

282
00:12:03,891 --> 00:12:07,460
Okay, you have
a better solution?

283
00:12:07,527 --> 00:12:08,495
No, no, no, no.

284
00:12:08,561 --> 00:12:10,330
It's your girlfriend,
your office, your life.

285
00:12:10,397 --> 00:12:12,900
Screw it up however
you think best.

286
00:12:12,966 --> 00:12:15,002
( phone ringing )

287
00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:18,405
I'll get it.
I'm expecting a call.

288
00:12:18,471 --> 00:12:20,007
Hello.

289
00:12:20,073 --> 00:12:22,009
( phone ringing )

290
00:12:22,075 --> 00:12:27,114
Kandi, that's...
that's the TV remote.

291
00:12:27,180 --> 00:12:29,116
Oh, duh.

292
00:12:31,084 --> 00:12:31,985
Hello.

293
00:12:32,052 --> 00:12:34,021
( phone ringing )

294
00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:35,222
Hello?

295
00:12:35,288 --> 00:12:39,326
Have you thought of teaching
a fish to answer the phones?

296
00:12:41,161 --> 00:12:43,396
Hello?

297
00:12:47,734 --> 00:12:49,069
Staying in tonight?

298
00:12:49,136 --> 00:12:49,970
Yep.

299
00:12:50,037 --> 00:12:51,905
Giving up on the ladies, huh?
Yep.

300
00:12:51,972 --> 00:12:54,007
Not even going to try?
Nope.

301
00:12:54,074 --> 00:12:57,010
You know, I got
a niece in the joint.

302
00:12:57,077 --> 00:12:58,111
She doesn't look
like much,

303
00:12:58,178 --> 00:13:00,280
but she does get
conjugal visits.

304
00:13:00,347 --> 00:13:02,049
I don't think so.

305
00:13:02,115 --> 00:13:05,252
Hold on, I may have
a copy of her mug shot.

306
00:13:05,318 --> 00:13:06,053
Here.

307
00:13:06,119 --> 00:13:07,888
She looks a little
wall-eyed,

308
00:13:07,955 --> 00:13:10,090
but that's only because
they had to use the taser

309
00:13:10,157 --> 00:13:12,259
to get her out of the shed.

310
00:13:12,325 --> 00:13:13,626
The shed?

311
00:13:13,693 --> 00:13:15,863
She was running a meth lab.

312
00:13:15,929 --> 00:13:18,465
But you've got to admit,
she's nice and slender.

313
00:13:18,531 --> 00:13:22,369
Thanks, but pass.

314
00:13:22,435 --> 00:13:23,703
Think about it.

315
00:13:23,770 --> 00:13:25,705
Visiting days are
Wednesdays and Fridays.

316
00:13:25,772 --> 00:13:29,142
But if you decide to go,
be a sport-- take her a pie.

317
00:13:29,209 --> 00:13:31,344
Right.

318
00:13:31,411 --> 00:13:32,612
Make is something chewy.

319
00:13:32,679 --> 00:13:36,850
The prison dentist set her up
with some real nice teeth.

320
00:13:44,524 --> 00:13:46,994
* Men *

321
00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:57,604
Okay, now this isn't my lamp.

322
00:13:59,639 --> 00:14:02,809
What happened to my lamp?

323
00:14:02,876 --> 00:14:06,546
Unless this is my lamp.

324
00:14:07,881 --> 00:14:09,116
Yeah, this is my lamp.

325
00:14:09,182 --> 00:14:13,653
I bought this lamp
to go with my couch.

326
00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:16,723
My tan couch.

327
00:14:16,789 --> 00:14:18,959
Worst day
of my life.

328
00:14:19,026 --> 00:14:20,994
Yeah, well, it was
no picnic for me either.

329
00:14:21,061 --> 00:14:23,063
I don't even know
who you are anymore.

330
00:14:23,130 --> 00:14:24,564
Oh, you want to know
who I am?

331
00:14:24,631 --> 00:14:26,799
I'm the idiot who's
paying you ten dollars an hour

332
00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:28,235
to miss phone calls,
nap in the bathroom

333
00:14:28,301 --> 00:14:29,836
and use my X-ray machine
on Mexican food.

334
00:14:29,903 --> 00:14:33,140
Well, I wanted to know what's
inside a chimichanga.

335
00:14:33,206 --> 00:14:35,742
If you didn't know
what's in it,
why'd you order it?

336
00:14:35,808 --> 00:14:38,145
'Cause it's fun
to say chimichanga.

337
00:14:39,746 --> 00:14:41,681
Chimichanga!

338
00:14:41,748 --> 00:14:43,850
See?

339
00:14:43,917 --> 00:14:46,519
How was work?

340
00:14:46,586 --> 00:14:47,287
Horrible.

341
00:14:47,354 --> 00:14:49,056
All he did was
boss me around.

342
00:14:49,122 --> 00:14:51,824
"Do this, do that, wake up."

343
00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:55,762
Maybe that's because
I'm your boss.

344
00:14:55,828 --> 00:14:58,298
A stupid, stinky boss.

345
00:14:59,532 --> 00:15:02,735
Does anybody want to know
about my problems?

346
00:15:02,802 --> 00:15:05,105
It was supposed to be
Sloppy Joes for lunch,

347
00:15:05,172 --> 00:15:07,107
but instead
they had fish sticks.

348
00:15:09,776 --> 00:15:11,744
Well, it ruined my day.

349
00:15:11,811 --> 00:15:14,214
( phone ringing )

350
00:15:14,281 --> 00:15:17,084
No, no, no, I'll get it.
That's what I do.

351
00:15:17,150 --> 00:15:19,719
That's all I'm good for.

352
00:15:19,786 --> 00:15:20,920
Hello.

353
00:15:20,988 --> 00:15:22,722
Oh, fudge.

354
00:15:22,789 --> 00:15:26,026
Picture an entire
day of this...

355
00:15:26,093 --> 00:15:29,296
with six lines.

356
00:15:31,398 --> 00:15:32,565
Hello.

357
00:15:32,632 --> 00:15:34,701
Oh, hi, Mrs. Harper.

358
00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:35,535
Oh, great.

359
00:15:35,602 --> 00:15:37,704
Kandi, Kandi,
give me the phone.

360
00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:38,805
Back off, bucko.

361
00:15:38,871 --> 00:15:43,943
Was your ex-husband always
such a control freak?

362
00:15:44,011 --> 00:15:46,246
She says you were.

363
00:15:46,313 --> 00:15:47,647
You know what
he did today?

364
00:15:47,714 --> 00:15:50,183
Kandi, Kandi, you don't have
to get into that with her, okay?

365
00:15:50,250 --> 00:15:54,354
She says she wants to know.

366
00:15:54,421 --> 00:15:56,689
Well, first of all
at the office

367
00:15:56,756 --> 00:15:59,859
he tried to make me call
him "Dr. Harper" all day,

368
00:15:59,926 --> 00:16:02,495
and when I forgot
he yelled at me.

369
00:16:02,562 --> 00:16:03,963
What?

370
00:16:04,031 --> 00:16:06,433
Chiropractors
aren't really doctors?

371
00:16:08,535 --> 00:16:11,538
You liar.

372
00:16:13,873 --> 00:16:15,742
I so get why
you dumped him.

373
00:16:15,808 --> 00:16:18,145
Hey, Alan?
What?

374
00:16:18,211 --> 00:16:22,015
Is this a new lamp?

375
00:16:23,116 --> 00:16:26,619
Okay, I will call
you Judith.

376
00:16:26,686 --> 00:16:28,488
Great, I'll see you there.

377
00:16:29,389 --> 00:16:30,790
See her... her where?

378
00:16:30,857 --> 00:16:33,426
We are going out for a drink
and a little girl talk.

379
00:16:33,493 --> 00:16:35,295
Girl talk with
my ex-wife?

380
00:16:35,362 --> 00:16:39,666
Her name is Judith.
Mr. I'm-not-a-doctor Harper.

381
00:16:40,900 --> 00:16:42,102
Don't wait up.

382
00:16:42,169 --> 00:16:47,540
Wow. You just crapped
where you used to eat.

383
00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:53,012
* Men *

384
00:16:57,817 --> 00:16:58,751
Hey.

385
00:16:58,818 --> 00:16:59,519
Hey.

386
00:16:59,586 --> 00:17:01,621
What are you doing
up so late?

387
00:17:01,688 --> 00:17:02,689
What time is it?

388
00:17:02,755 --> 00:17:04,091
It's 3:00 a.m.

389
00:17:04,157 --> 00:17:07,327
Oh, well, I got
my eight hours.

390
00:17:07,394 --> 00:17:11,931
What are you doing,
waiting up for Kandi?

391
00:17:11,998 --> 00:17:12,799
Oh, no, no, no.

392
00:17:12,865 --> 00:17:14,067
I, uh, I couldn't sleep,

393
00:17:14,134 --> 00:17:16,536
so I thought
I'd read a little.

394
00:17:16,603 --> 00:17:19,106
A furniture catalog?

395
00:17:20,807 --> 00:17:22,209
I like furniture.

396
00:17:22,275 --> 00:17:25,378
Just looking at
the pictures, huh?

397
00:17:25,445 --> 00:17:27,147
What are you
getting at, Charlie?

398
00:17:27,214 --> 00:17:29,182
I think you buy things.

399
00:17:30,783 --> 00:17:31,751
I think...

400
00:17:31,818 --> 00:17:34,287
you bought this lamp.

401
00:17:34,354 --> 00:17:36,556
That's the same lamp that
was here when I moved in.

402
00:17:36,623 --> 00:17:37,590
Oh, really?

403
00:17:37,657 --> 00:17:40,093
Charlie, I'm afraid
that this dry streak

404
00:17:40,160 --> 00:17:42,329
is starting to affect your mind.

405
00:17:45,832 --> 00:17:47,967
Maybe you're right.

406
00:17:48,034 --> 00:17:49,302
Sure, this is my lamp.

407
00:17:49,369 --> 00:17:50,937
I've had it for years.

408
00:17:51,003 --> 00:17:52,639
The table it's on is new.

409
00:17:52,705 --> 00:17:55,208
I knew it!

410
00:17:55,275 --> 00:17:57,009
( door opening )
KANDI:
Shh.

411
00:17:57,076 --> 00:17:59,212
We don't want to wake up
Mr. Alan Hitler.

412
00:17:59,279 --> 00:18:01,848
No, no, Osama Bin Alan.

413
00:18:01,914 --> 00:18:03,550
( laughing )

414
00:18:03,616 --> 00:18:07,354
( slurring words ):
Oops. Busted.

415
00:18:07,420 --> 00:18:08,821
What the hell
is going on here?

416
00:18:08,888 --> 00:18:11,491
( slurring words ):
The hell that is going on here

417
00:18:11,558 --> 00:18:14,127
is that I need
an advance on my amilony.

418
00:18:14,194 --> 00:18:15,928
Why?

419
00:18:15,995 --> 00:18:18,998
To pay Estafan
our limo driver.

420
00:18:19,065 --> 00:18:20,467
You took a limo?

421
00:18:20,533 --> 00:18:22,135
We couldn't find
our cars,

422
00:18:22,202 --> 00:18:23,403
and we spent
all our money

423
00:18:23,470 --> 00:18:27,207
on Jell-O shots
and chimichangas.

424
00:18:29,075 --> 00:18:29,976
All right, all right.

425
00:18:30,042 --> 00:18:31,511
Kandi, you need
to go to bed.

426
00:18:31,578 --> 00:18:33,380
We have to get up
early for work.

427
00:18:33,446 --> 00:18:35,582
No, we don't,
'cause I quit.

428
00:18:35,648 --> 00:18:38,185
Why don't we talk about
this in the morning.

429
00:18:38,251 --> 00:18:39,886
All right, Judith,

430
00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:42,088
Here is your... "amilony."

431
00:18:42,155 --> 00:18:43,623
Thank you.

432
00:18:43,690 --> 00:18:44,324
Go home.

433
00:18:44,391 --> 00:18:45,592
And, Kandi, go to bed.

434
00:18:45,658 --> 00:18:49,462
Nuh-uh. I do not wish to live
with you any furthermore.

435
00:18:49,529 --> 00:18:50,230
What?

436
00:18:50,297 --> 00:18:51,331
I have been invited

437
00:18:51,398 --> 00:18:53,132
to stay with my good
friend Judith.

438
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:54,467
( chuckles )

439
00:18:54,534 --> 00:18:56,336
Come on, I'll help
you pack your things.

440
00:18:56,403 --> 00:19:00,139
Did you ever notice how much
he sweats during sex?

441
00:19:03,743 --> 00:19:06,078
Well, good for you.

442
00:19:06,145 --> 00:19:06,746
Good for me?

443
00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:07,914
How is this good for me?

444
00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:09,982
You finally got Kandi
out of the house.

445
00:19:10,049 --> 00:19:11,551
I didn't want her
out of the house,

446
00:19:11,618 --> 00:19:14,053
and I certainly didn't want
her moving in with my ex-wife.

447
00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:16,122
Oh, right.

448
00:19:16,189 --> 00:19:20,427
All right, then...
good for me.

449
00:19:21,561 --> 00:19:23,830
* Men *

450
00:19:32,405 --> 00:19:34,941
WOMAN:
Harper.

451
00:19:35,007 --> 00:19:36,476
Here.

452
00:19:37,910 --> 00:19:40,580
I'm going to have
to check your pie.

453
00:19:40,647 --> 00:19:42,081
Rhubarb.

454
00:19:42,148 --> 00:19:45,285
Oh, all of my girls
like rhubarb.

455
00:19:48,555 --> 00:19:51,724
Okay, inmate 37059.

456
00:19:51,791 --> 00:19:53,660
Down the hall, third door
on the left.

457
00:19:53,726 --> 00:19:54,994
There's a button
by the bed.

458
00:19:55,061 --> 00:19:56,929
Push it if
she gets violent.

459
00:19:56,996 --> 00:19:58,164
Thank you.

460
00:19:58,231 --> 00:20:01,634
( bell rings )

461
00:20:01,701 --> 00:20:04,103
It won't open.

462
00:20:04,170 --> 00:20:05,104
Try it again.

463
00:20:05,171 --> 00:20:08,875
( bell rings )

464
00:20:08,941 --> 00:20:15,181
Boy, you're really having
a dry streak, aren't you?

465
00:20:15,248 --> 00:20:19,252
( doorbell ringing )
( gasps )

466
00:20:19,319 --> 00:20:21,321
I can't even get laid
in a women's prison.

467
00:20:21,388 --> 00:20:24,791
( doorbell ringing )

468
00:20:29,696 --> 00:20:31,063
Hi.

469
00:20:31,130 --> 00:20:32,064
Are you Alan?

470
00:20:32,131 --> 00:20:33,400
No, I'm his brother, Charlie.

471
00:20:33,466 --> 00:20:35,568
Oh, well, I'm looking
for Kandi.

472
00:20:35,635 --> 00:20:37,937
She told me
she was living here.

473
00:20:38,004 --> 00:20:39,306
Actually, she moved.

474
00:20:39,372 --> 00:20:41,274
It's a very funny story.

475
00:20:41,341 --> 00:20:43,276
Are you a friend?

476
00:20:43,343 --> 00:20:44,311
I'm her mother.

477
00:20:44,377 --> 00:20:47,614
Oh. Well, come on in.

478
00:20:47,680 --> 00:20:50,182
I'll see if I can find
a forwarding address.

479
00:20:50,249 --> 00:20:52,352
Thank you.

480
00:20:52,419 --> 00:20:56,155
Chimichanga.

481
00:20:56,222 --> 00:20:57,957
It's a beautiful place.

482
00:20:58,024 --> 00:20:59,559
Thank you.

483
00:20:59,626 --> 00:21:02,795
I see where Kandi gets
her good looks.

484
00:21:02,862 --> 00:21:04,063
Thanks.

485
00:21:04,130 --> 00:21:06,933
Unfortunately, she gets her
brains from her moron father.

486
00:21:06,999 --> 00:21:09,569
Oh, that's right.
You're recently divorced.

487
00:21:09,636 --> 00:21:11,438
Would you like a drink?

488
00:21:11,504 --> 00:21:14,574
I would love one.

489
00:21:14,641 --> 00:21:15,842
Great.

490
00:21:15,908 --> 00:21:17,810
Why don't you step
out on the deck

491
00:21:17,877 --> 00:21:20,913
and I'll be right there.

492
00:21:23,550 --> 00:21:26,919
Good news, it's raining
out on my deck.

493
00:21:26,986 --> 00:21:27,920
Say what?

494
00:21:27,987 --> 00:21:30,523
The dry streak is over.

495
00:21:30,590 --> 00:21:36,729
So what am I supposed to do
with this pie?

496
00:21:36,796 --> 00:21:39,966
* Men *