1
00:00:01,402 --> 00:00:04,638
Alan, I forgot my toothbrush,
can I use yours?

2
00:00:04,705 --> 00:00:06,574
Oh, dear Lord, no.

3
00:00:06,640 --> 00:00:08,742
Do you have any idea
how many bacteria

4
00:00:08,809 --> 00:00:10,178
can be transferred
from mouth to mouth

5
00:00:10,244 --> 00:00:11,145
on a toothbrush?

6
00:00:11,212 --> 00:00:12,613
I don't know. How many?

7
00:00:12,680 --> 00:00:15,216
Okay, I-I-I don't know
the actual amount...

8
00:00:15,283 --> 00:00:18,186
Then why'd you bring it up?

9
00:00:19,087 --> 00:00:20,454
Poor judgment.

10
00:00:20,521 --> 00:00:21,389
The point is,

11
00:00:21,455 --> 00:00:23,391
sharing these things
is a bad idea.

12
00:00:23,457 --> 00:00:24,792
Are you saying you don't want

13
00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:27,495
your toothbrush in my mouth,
'cause, Alan...

14
00:00:27,561 --> 00:00:29,063
I know, I know.

15
00:00:29,130 --> 00:00:30,564
I get the hypocrisy.

16
00:00:30,631 --> 00:00:32,166
Just... just humor me.

17
00:00:32,233 --> 00:00:33,867
Okay, I have, um...

18
00:00:33,934 --> 00:00:36,104
I have hard, medium
or soft bristles.

19
00:00:36,170 --> 00:00:38,372
Uh, I have straight
or curved handles,

20
00:00:38,439 --> 00:00:40,441
and, uh,
for your flossing needs,

21
00:00:40,508 --> 00:00:43,711
I have, uh, waxed,
mint-waxed, unwaxed,

22
00:00:43,777 --> 00:00:45,779
and if you're feeling
especially adventurous,

23
00:00:45,846 --> 00:00:47,981
may I suggest
the cinnamon?

24
00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:50,618
Maybe I'll just wait
till I get home.

25
00:00:50,684 --> 00:00:51,585
No, no, no, no, no, no.

26
00:00:51,652 --> 00:00:53,454
One day you skip brushing,
and before you know it,

27
00:00:53,521 --> 00:00:55,689
your teeth rot away
and you're begging strangers

28
00:00:55,756 --> 00:00:57,425
to start your apple.

29
00:00:57,491 --> 00:01:00,594
Fine. I'll take the pink one.

30
00:01:01,629 --> 00:01:02,463
I always wondered,

31
00:01:02,530 --> 00:01:03,731
what's the little
rubber thing

32
00:01:03,797 --> 00:01:04,832
at the end for?

33
00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:06,134
Oh, it's to massage
your gums.

34
00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:09,903
Oh. I thought
it might be an eraser...

35
00:01:09,970 --> 00:01:13,073
but who writes when
they're brushing their teeth?

36
00:01:13,774 --> 00:01:16,444
I-I-I don't know.

37
00:01:17,678 --> 00:01:18,979
What's the matter?

38
00:01:19,046 --> 00:01:19,980
Oh, nothing, nothing.

39
00:01:20,047 --> 00:01:21,649
Well, I-I-I kind of have to pee.

40
00:01:21,715 --> 00:01:22,783
Go ahead.

41
00:01:22,850 --> 00:01:24,752
Oh, no, no, I'll wait
till you're finished.

42
00:01:24,818 --> 00:01:28,055
Are you shy about peeing
in front of me, 'cause, Alan...

43
00:01:28,122 --> 00:01:30,958
Again, I get the hypocrisy.

44
00:01:31,024 --> 00:01:32,293
I-I-I just think it's important

45
00:01:32,360 --> 00:01:34,828
to keep a little mystery
in a relationship.

46
00:01:34,895 --> 00:01:35,896
It's just peeing, Alan.

47
00:01:35,963 --> 00:01:37,165
Not necessarily.

48
00:01:37,231 --> 00:01:39,967
Um, sometimes
when a man urinates,

49
00:01:40,033 --> 00:01:44,305
other muscles see that
as a green light to relax.

50
00:01:44,372 --> 00:01:46,039
So you've never peed
in front of a girl?

51
00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:47,308
Uh, well, my ex-wife,

52
00:01:47,375 --> 00:01:49,910
but, uh, after six,
seven years of marriage,

53
00:01:49,977 --> 00:01:51,111
who gives a damn anymore?

54
00:01:51,812 --> 00:01:52,913
Okay.

55
00:01:52,980 --> 00:01:55,183
I'll brush out here.
Thank you.

56
00:01:58,719 --> 00:01:59,587
Ouch!

57
00:01:59,653 --> 00:02:00,421
ALAN:
What?

58
00:02:00,488 --> 00:02:02,723
One of my teeth hurts
when I brush it.

59
00:02:02,790 --> 00:02:05,193
Well, when was the last time
you saw a dentist?

60
00:02:05,259 --> 00:02:06,760
Alan, I see people all the time.

61
00:02:06,827 --> 00:02:10,531
They don't always tell you
what they do.

62
00:02:12,099 --> 00:02:14,168
Hey, are you... are you done?

63
00:02:14,235 --> 00:02:16,170
'Cause I got to rinse.

64
00:02:16,237 --> 00:02:18,306
No, I... I can't go

65
00:02:18,372 --> 00:02:19,807
when I know
you're listening.

66
00:02:19,873 --> 00:02:22,876
Would it help
if I sang the pee-pee song?

67
00:02:22,943 --> 00:02:24,212
Uh, the what?

68
00:02:24,278 --> 00:02:26,180
My mom used to sing it to me.

69
00:02:26,247 --> 00:02:29,250
* Tinkle, tinkle, little star

70
00:02:29,317 --> 00:02:31,519
* In the potty, not the car

71
00:02:31,585 --> 00:02:34,222
* Up above the bowl so high

72
00:02:34,288 --> 00:02:37,124
* Like the raindrops
in the sky... *

73
00:02:37,191 --> 00:02:39,760
Hey, hey,
it's working!

74
00:02:39,827 --> 00:02:40,961
( Alan passes gas )

75
00:02:41,028 --> 00:02:42,563
Oops, green light.

76
00:02:42,630 --> 00:02:45,799
* Men, men, men, men, manly men,
men, men *

77
00:02:45,866 --> 00:02:48,836
* Oh...
* Men.

78
00:02:55,343 --> 00:02:58,045
( engine grinding to turn over )
ALAN:
Okay, okay, stop, stop, stop.

79
00:02:58,111 --> 00:03:00,013
( engine noise stops )
KANDI:
Should I try it again?

80
00:03:00,080 --> 00:03:02,015
ALAN:
Uh, not yet. Okay, now.

81
00:03:02,082 --> 00:03:04,718
( engine grinding to turn over )
ALAN:
Okay, stop, stop, stop, stop.

82
00:03:04,785 --> 00:03:06,587
( engine noise stops )
Morning.

83
00:03:06,654 --> 00:03:07,788
ALAN:
Morning.

84
00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:09,290
KANDI:
Morning, Charlie!

85
00:03:09,357 --> 00:03:10,491
Need any help?

86
00:03:10,558 --> 00:03:13,994
Do you know how to get
a 1981 Plymouth Duster moving?

87
00:03:14,061 --> 00:03:15,829
Yeah, yank out
the eight-track

88
00:03:15,896 --> 00:03:18,332
and push it off a cliff.

89
00:03:18,399 --> 00:03:19,667
( mock guffawing )

90
00:03:19,733 --> 00:03:21,669
You're useless.

91
00:03:21,735 --> 00:03:22,903
Sure.

92
00:03:22,970 --> 00:03:25,973
Hey, you got a little
grease on your face.
Where?

93
00:03:26,039 --> 00:03:27,508
Cheek.

94
00:03:27,575 --> 00:03:29,076
Oh.

95
00:03:29,142 --> 00:03:30,077
Did I get it?

96
00:03:30,143 --> 00:03:31,579
Mm, no, there's
some more.

97
00:03:32,713 --> 00:03:33,514
Now?

98
00:03:33,581 --> 00:03:36,684
Little on
your forehead.

99
00:03:36,750 --> 00:03:37,685
Yeah?

100
00:03:37,751 --> 00:03:38,486
Perfect.

101
00:03:38,552 --> 00:03:41,955
Now sing "Swanee River."

102
00:03:42,022 --> 00:03:43,991
KANDI:
Alan, should I try it again?

103
00:03:44,057 --> 00:03:45,559
Uh, no. I'm going
to call Triple-A.

104
00:03:45,626 --> 00:03:49,830
KANDI:
Good. No sense
drinking over this.

105
00:03:57,771 --> 00:04:00,274
You must be so proud.

106
00:04:00,341 --> 00:04:01,842
Hey, hey, she may not be
sophisticated,

107
00:04:01,909 --> 00:04:03,577
but she's street smart.

108
00:04:03,644 --> 00:04:06,380
Sesame Street smart.

109
00:04:06,447 --> 00:04:07,180
Just leave it alone.

110
00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:09,317
Let me ask you something.

111
00:04:09,383 --> 00:04:12,219
Have you stopped to consider
the long-term cost

112
00:04:12,286 --> 00:04:13,687
of a relationship
with a girl that young?

113
00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:15,188
Charlie, it's
a free tow.

114
00:04:15,255 --> 00:04:17,190
Oh, sure, that's how
it always starts--

115
00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:19,393
with a free tow--
but who's going to pay

116
00:04:19,460 --> 00:04:21,629
to fix the car
after it's towed?

117
00:04:21,695 --> 00:04:22,763
Um...

118
00:04:22,830 --> 00:04:26,266
"Um" is right,
my dim-witted friend,

119
00:04:26,334 --> 00:04:28,302
and that's
just the beginning.

120
00:04:28,369 --> 00:04:30,604
Girls like Kandi need
all kinds of stuff,

121
00:04:30,671 --> 00:04:32,139
and the only way
they can pay for it

122
00:04:32,205 --> 00:04:34,007
is through horny
morons like you.

123
00:04:34,074 --> 00:04:37,345
So her car breaks down,
and I should just dump her?

124
00:04:37,411 --> 00:04:39,079
This is a short-term
relationship, right?

125
00:04:39,146 --> 00:04:42,249
I don't know...
Trust me, it's a
short-term relationship.

126
00:04:42,316 --> 00:04:43,517
I mean, Kandi's not
the brightest bulb

127
00:04:43,584 --> 00:04:46,053
in the chandelier,
but even she's going

128
00:04:46,119 --> 00:04:47,120
to wake up one
day and wonder

129
00:04:47,187 --> 00:04:48,356
what she's doing
shacked up

130
00:04:48,422 --> 00:04:51,158
with a penniless putz
who's twice her age.

131
00:04:51,224 --> 00:04:52,159
Kandi's not like that.

132
00:04:52,225 --> 00:04:53,527
Just wait.

133
00:04:53,594 --> 00:04:55,863
Your first minor stroke,
and she'll be boinking

134
00:04:55,929 --> 00:04:57,531
the cardiologist
before you can scrawl

135
00:04:57,598 --> 00:05:00,868
"What happened?"
on your notepad.

136
00:05:04,338 --> 00:05:06,273
Okay, for the sake
of argument,

137
00:05:06,340 --> 00:05:07,174
let's say you're right.

138
00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:08,308
What's your point?

139
00:05:09,543 --> 00:05:12,613
My point is, you don't
dry clean a rented tuxedo.

140
00:05:12,680 --> 00:05:14,815
You don't redecorate
a hotel room.

141
00:05:14,882 --> 00:05:17,351
You don't order cable
for a port-a-potty...

142
00:05:17,418 --> 00:05:19,487
unless you're really,
really drunk.

143
00:05:19,553 --> 00:05:22,255
And you don't take on
the bills of a girl

144
00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:23,391
that's got the
attention span

145
00:05:23,457 --> 00:05:25,926
of a monkey chewing
on a fly swatter.

146
00:05:25,993 --> 00:05:30,398
Okay, I-I-I appreciate your--
how shall I describe it--

147
00:05:30,464 --> 00:05:34,402
compassionate advice,
but all I'm doing here

148
00:05:34,468 --> 00:05:36,637
is arranging for a free tow
for a friend.

149
00:05:36,704 --> 00:05:38,972
( snapping noise outside )

150
00:05:40,874 --> 00:05:45,946
Alan, I don't think
the engine's flooded anymore.

151
00:05:47,615 --> 00:05:49,383
Fire extinguisher?
Under the sink.

152
00:05:49,450 --> 00:05:51,084
Thank you.

153
00:05:58,492 --> 00:05:59,760
Hey, you know,
if you don't hurry up,

154
00:05:59,827 --> 00:06:00,794
you'll be late
for school.

155
00:06:00,861 --> 00:06:01,829
I don't mind.

156
00:06:01,895 --> 00:06:04,932
Okay, well, that takes
the pressure off.

157
00:06:04,998 --> 00:06:06,500
How come my dad's
not bringing me?

158
00:06:06,567 --> 00:06:08,168
He's helping Kandi
get her car fixed.

159
00:06:08,235 --> 00:06:12,973
Aw, geez. And him already broker
than a headless hooker.

160
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:16,176
Hey, how come
my mom hates Kandi?

161
00:06:16,243 --> 00:06:18,946
What gave you the idea
that she hates her?

162
00:06:19,012 --> 00:06:21,148
'Cause she says so...

163
00:06:21,214 --> 00:06:22,516
a lot.

164
00:06:22,583 --> 00:06:24,284
All right.

165
00:06:24,351 --> 00:06:24,918
Why do you think?

166
00:06:24,985 --> 00:06:26,654
I don't know.

167
00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:29,289
She's pretty, she's fun, and Dad
seems real happy with her.

168
00:06:29,356 --> 00:06:33,927
Well, little man, you just
answered your own question.

169
00:06:33,994 --> 00:06:35,696
I did? What'd I say?

170
00:06:36,597 --> 00:06:38,165
It's like this.

171
00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:40,868
You ever see a kid at school
who doesn't like his lunch

172
00:06:40,934 --> 00:06:42,736
but he won't let you have it,
either?

173
00:06:42,803 --> 00:06:44,738
Oh, yeah. Russell Beasley.

174
00:06:44,805 --> 00:06:46,206
He'll spit
on his apple cobbler

175
00:06:46,273 --> 00:06:48,041
before he'll let
anybody else eat it.

176
00:06:48,108 --> 00:06:49,743
Well, this is
pretty much the same deal,

177
00:06:49,810 --> 00:06:51,745
except your mom
is Russell Beasley,

178
00:06:51,812 --> 00:06:55,115
and your dad
is the spit-covered cobbler.

179
00:06:55,182 --> 00:06:56,950
I don't understand.

180
00:06:57,017 --> 00:06:59,553
Even though your mom
doesn't want your dad,

181
00:06:59,620 --> 00:07:01,855
she doesn't want Kandi
to eat him, either.

182
00:07:02,956 --> 00:07:04,458
Oh.

183
00:07:04,525 --> 00:07:07,961
You know, I like cobbler
with ice cream.

184
00:07:08,028 --> 00:07:11,331
Way to follow
a train of thought.

185
00:07:11,398 --> 00:07:13,534
Thanks.

186
00:07:13,601 --> 00:07:16,470
Well, I guess we should go
to school now, huh?

187
00:07:16,537 --> 00:07:18,305
Couldn't hurt.

188
00:07:18,371 --> 00:07:21,675
I'll see if can find
my books.

189
00:07:22,510 --> 00:07:23,744
Sweet kid.

190
00:07:23,811 --> 00:07:24,311
Yeah.

191
00:07:24,377 --> 00:07:25,646
Shame he'll never be

192
00:07:25,713 --> 00:07:29,216
anything more than a burden
to society.

193
00:07:30,117 --> 00:07:33,286
Yeah.

194
00:07:33,353 --> 00:07:35,388
Do you know
a good lawyer, Alan?

195
00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:38,158
No, but my ex-wife does.

196
00:07:38,225 --> 00:07:39,760
Why?

197
00:07:39,827 --> 00:07:43,096
'Cause I want to sue the guy
who sold me that lemming.

198
00:07:44,197 --> 00:07:45,966
Y-You mean lemon.

199
00:07:46,033 --> 00:07:46,767
I do?

200
00:07:47,901 --> 00:07:49,903
Okay.

201
00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:53,073
Did-did you get any kind
of a-a written guarantee

202
00:07:53,140 --> 00:07:53,907
when you bought it?

203
00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:57,978
No, it was more
of an oral agreement.

204
00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:02,883
All right,
Mr. Harper,

205
00:08:02,950 --> 00:08:04,417
I've looked at your
daughter's vehicle.

206
00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:06,787
She's, uh...
she's not my daughter.

207
00:08:09,022 --> 00:08:10,924
Oh.

208
00:08:10,991 --> 00:08:12,860
Good for you.

209
00:08:12,926 --> 00:08:15,395
Anyway, the prognosis
looks rather bleak.

210
00:08:15,462 --> 00:08:16,630
I-I understand.

211
00:08:16,697 --> 00:08:18,832
I mean, the vehicle
was on fire.

212
00:08:18,899 --> 00:08:19,567
I know.

213
00:08:19,633 --> 00:08:21,869
What is she, like, 21?

214
00:08:24,171 --> 00:08:25,138
Twenty-two.

215
00:08:25,205 --> 00:08:26,774
And a half.

216
00:08:27,474 --> 00:08:29,476
Good for you.

217
00:08:29,543 --> 00:08:31,478
Yeah, yeah,
but what about the car?

218
00:08:31,545 --> 00:08:32,713
Oh, the car?

219
00:08:32,780 --> 00:08:34,748
The car's got to
be 25, 26 years old.

220
00:08:34,815 --> 00:08:36,650
I mean, can it be fixed?

221
00:08:36,717 --> 00:08:38,218
Anything can be fixed.

222
00:08:38,285 --> 00:08:41,589
Hell, they put a pig's heart
in my Uncle Vinnie.

223
00:08:41,655 --> 00:08:43,423
How much?

224
00:08:43,490 --> 00:08:47,360
All of it.

225
00:08:47,427 --> 00:08:51,632
My Aunt Phyliss likes to call
him the other white meat now.

226
00:08:51,699 --> 00:08:54,568
No, I-I mean,
how much to fix the car?

227
00:08:54,635 --> 00:08:57,204
For you, three grand.

228
00:08:57,270 --> 00:08:58,471
What?!

229
00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:01,642
Once again, the car was on fire.

230
00:09:01,709 --> 00:09:02,810
I had to wait an hour

231
00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:04,678
before I could
even touch it.

232
00:09:04,745 --> 00:09:06,747
But I only paid $800 for it.

233
00:09:06,814 --> 00:09:08,348
Eight hundred dollars?

234
00:09:08,415 --> 00:09:10,851
Well, dear heart, I hate to be
the bearer of sad tidings,

235
00:09:10,918 --> 00:09:12,886
but there's a chance
some unscrupulous businessperson

236
00:09:12,953 --> 00:09:15,856
has taken advantage
of your good nature.

237
00:09:15,923 --> 00:09:18,759
Boy, that happens a lot.

238
00:09:19,860 --> 00:09:21,762
Well, $3,000
is out of the question.

239
00:09:21,829 --> 00:09:23,764
It'd make more sense
just to get her a new car.

240
00:09:23,831 --> 00:09:25,398
Oh, Alan, thank you!

241
00:09:25,465 --> 00:09:29,336
That's the sweetest thing
anybody's ever done for me!

242
00:09:30,203 --> 00:09:32,305
Good for you.

243
00:09:35,609 --> 00:09:36,543
Hey.

244
00:09:36,610 --> 00:09:38,145
Hey.

245
00:09:38,211 --> 00:09:40,347
Why isn't your
car in the garage?

246
00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:43,250
I, uh...
I loaned it to Kandi.

247
00:09:43,316 --> 00:09:44,718
Ah.

248
00:09:44,785 --> 00:09:47,287
And how much are you paying
to fix hers?

249
00:09:47,354 --> 00:09:50,390
For your information, nothing.

250
00:09:50,457 --> 00:09:51,458
Nothing?

251
00:09:51,524 --> 00:09:52,960
Not a cent.

252
00:09:53,994 --> 00:09:56,997
I'm leasing her a Saturn.

253
00:09:57,064 --> 00:10:00,300
Tell me again about
the free tow, Alan.

254
00:10:00,367 --> 00:10:01,902
Come on, she-she needs a car,

255
00:10:01,969 --> 00:10:04,772
and-and-and the lease terms
are surprisingly reasonable.

256
00:10:04,838 --> 00:10:08,075
They're practically
giving them away.

257
00:10:08,141 --> 00:10:10,310
Excuse me.

258
00:10:10,377 --> 00:10:11,645
Where are you going?

259
00:10:11,712 --> 00:10:14,982
I'm going to solve
all your problems.

260
00:10:15,048 --> 00:10:18,251
Do you want to see it coming,
or should I surprise you?

261
00:10:18,318 --> 00:10:20,220
( mock guffawing )

262
00:10:20,287 --> 00:10:21,221
You're not funny.

263
00:10:21,288 --> 00:10:23,623
( phone rings )

264
00:10:26,660 --> 00:10:28,395
Hello?

265
00:10:28,461 --> 00:10:30,764
Hang on a second.

266
00:10:30,831 --> 00:10:32,165
It's your dentist.

267
00:10:32,232 --> 00:10:35,669
He wants to talk to you
about Kandi's teeth.

268
00:10:36,469 --> 00:10:37,805
Thank you.

269
00:10:41,875 --> 00:10:42,943
Hi, Dr. Weinberger.

270
00:10:43,010 --> 00:10:45,713
Thanks for seeing her
on such short notice.

271
00:10:47,380 --> 00:10:49,482
Can I have some privacy, please?

272
00:10:49,549 --> 00:10:52,820
Sure. Get your
own place.

273
00:10:57,224 --> 00:11:01,094
No, she's not covered
under my dental plan.

274
00:11:01,962 --> 00:11:04,732
Twenty-two and a half.

275
00:11:04,798 --> 00:11:07,067
Yeah, yeah, good for me.

276
00:11:07,134 --> 00:11:10,771
Did you get a chance
to look at her tooth?

277
00:11:10,838 --> 00:11:13,440
Oh, oh, a-a-a-a root canal.

278
00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:16,143
Well, well, how much is that?

279
00:11:16,209 --> 00:11:18,946
Yow.

280
00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:22,249
Well, wh-what do you mean,
there's more?

281
00:11:22,315 --> 00:11:26,286
Who told you to look
at her wisdom teeth?

282
00:11:26,353 --> 00:11:29,823
That girl's got
wisdom teeth?

283
00:11:29,890 --> 00:11:32,392
Okay, what's the worst thing
that can happen

284
00:11:32,459 --> 00:11:34,694
if you don't
take them out?

285
00:11:34,762 --> 00:11:37,530
How infected?

286
00:11:37,597 --> 00:11:40,567
All right,
i-i-if it has to be done,

287
00:11:40,633 --> 00:11:42,736
it has to be done.

288
00:11:42,803 --> 00:11:45,839
Yeah, send me the bill.

289
00:11:46,706 --> 00:11:48,842
Okay, bye-bye.

290
00:11:55,015 --> 00:11:59,486
Here, aim
for the cheap seats.

291
00:12:19,940 --> 00:12:20,740
CHARLIE:
Alan?

292
00:12:20,808 --> 00:12:22,742
What are you doing?

293
00:12:22,810 --> 00:12:26,613
( panting ):
Well, I'm in a little bit
of a-a cash flow crunch,

294
00:12:26,679 --> 00:12:30,483
and I, uh... I thought I'd
use this to-to pay some bills.

295
00:12:30,550 --> 00:12:31,919
I see.

296
00:12:31,985 --> 00:12:34,154
Mind helping me out?

297
00:12:34,221 --> 00:12:35,956
Sure.

298
00:12:46,433 --> 00:12:51,071
Promise me you'll spend it
on food, not whiskey.

299
00:12:51,138 --> 00:12:52,940
My pain brings you
a lot of pleasure, huh?

300
00:12:53,006 --> 00:12:55,876
I'm a simple man.

301
00:12:55,943 --> 00:12:57,544
( phone rings )

302
00:13:02,115 --> 00:13:03,416
It's your ex-wife.

303
00:13:03,483 --> 00:13:06,386
Oh, perfect. Get the bat.

304
00:13:07,254 --> 00:13:09,089
This is the bat.

305
00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:12,860
Hello?

306
00:13:12,926 --> 00:13:16,897
Oh, oh, good.
I-I was hoping it'd be you.

307
00:13:16,964 --> 00:13:21,568
What? Of course
I remember the Alamo.

308
00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:25,338
Oh, oh, oh, you mean alimo-ny.

309
00:13:25,405 --> 00:13:26,173
( laughing )

310
00:13:26,239 --> 00:13:27,240
I was...
I was thinking,

311
00:13:27,307 --> 00:13:30,343
uh, Davey Crockett,
Jim Bowie...

312
00:13:30,410 --> 00:13:32,112
Oh, oh, come on, Judith,

313
00:13:32,179 --> 00:13:36,116
why can't we share
a few chuckles?

314
00:13:36,183 --> 00:13:37,450
Oh, oh, no, no, I-I agree.

315
00:13:37,517 --> 00:13:40,453
There's nothing chuckle-worthy
about a subpoena.

316
00:13:40,520 --> 00:13:42,689
Well, you know what?
I will tell you what.

317
00:13:42,755 --> 00:13:44,224
Uh, I will bring
you the check,

318
00:13:44,291 --> 00:13:45,859
uh, when I
pick up Jake.

319
00:13:46,526 --> 00:13:48,195
I-I-I promise.

320
00:13:48,261 --> 00:13:50,563
O-O-Okay, okay, bye-bye now.

321
00:13:52,299 --> 00:13:53,433
You've got to pick up Jake.

322
00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:54,902
Why?

323
00:13:54,968 --> 00:13:56,436
'Cause I don't have her money.

324
00:13:56,503 --> 00:13:58,638
It's in Kandi's mouth
and-and-and Kandi's car.

325
00:13:58,705 --> 00:14:02,642
What about the treasure
of the Sierra Madre over there?

326
00:14:02,709 --> 00:14:04,411
This?

327
00:14:04,477 --> 00:14:05,445
This is nothing.

328
00:14:05,512 --> 00:14:07,714
One car payment
and maybe a bikini wax.

329
00:14:07,780 --> 00:14:08,848
Bikini wax?

330
00:14:08,916 --> 00:14:10,650
A girl's got to keep those up.

331
00:14:10,717 --> 00:14:12,085
It's a landscaping issue.

332
00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:15,455
You just got to buy me
some time with Judith.

333
00:14:15,522 --> 00:14:17,457
What are you going to do
with more time?

334
00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:20,827
You can't sell your blood;
your ex-wife already took that.

335
00:14:20,894 --> 00:14:22,762
And if you sell your sperm,

336
00:14:22,829 --> 00:14:24,831
what's the point
in dating Kandi?

337
00:14:24,898 --> 00:14:28,335
Well, uh, for your information,
I-I do have other options.

338
00:14:28,401 --> 00:14:29,036
Like what?

339
00:14:29,102 --> 00:14:29,903
Well, I've been looking at,

340
00:14:29,970 --> 00:14:31,371
uh, uh, part-time work,

341
00:14:31,438 --> 00:14:34,241
and, uh, I have some
very promising auctions on eBay.

342
00:14:34,307 --> 00:14:37,010
Oh, really.
What are you auctioning?

343
00:14:37,077 --> 00:14:38,378
Well, a-a few rare books,

344
00:14:38,445 --> 00:14:40,780
a couple of lithos,
a set of golf clubs...

345
00:14:40,847 --> 00:14:42,549
Since when do you play golf?

346
00:14:42,615 --> 00:14:45,953
Uh, well, technically,
they're your clubs.

347
00:14:48,956 --> 00:14:49,789
You're stealing from me?!

348
00:14:49,856 --> 00:14:51,291
Oh, come on, you only bought 'em

349
00:14:51,358 --> 00:14:55,395
so you could go to Palm Springs
and pick up lesbians.

350
00:14:57,897 --> 00:14:59,332
This is ridiculous.

351
00:14:59,399 --> 00:15:01,935
Why don't you just ask me
to lend you some money?

352
00:15:02,002 --> 00:15:02,702
Would you lend me money?

353
00:15:02,769 --> 00:15:03,870
Absolutely...

354
00:15:03,937 --> 00:15:06,906
if I hadn't taken a bath
on the Super Bowl.

355
00:15:06,974 --> 00:15:10,210
Well, I-I need to do this
by myself anyway.

356
00:15:10,277 --> 00:15:12,245
You know, I-I still
have my pride.

357
00:15:12,312 --> 00:15:15,949
Wow. You really think that, huh?

358
00:15:16,016 --> 00:15:19,987
Well, it doesn't matter
as long as I have Kandi.

359
00:15:20,053 --> 00:15:21,254
She looks up to me.

360
00:15:21,321 --> 00:15:23,256
She-she thinks
I'm special.

361
00:15:23,323 --> 00:15:24,824
She thinks I'm smart.

362
00:15:24,891 --> 00:15:30,063
She thinks gazpacho
is Pinocchio's father.

363
00:15:32,065 --> 00:15:33,900
What can I say, Charlie?

364
00:15:33,967 --> 00:15:36,103
I'm-I'm-I'm
crazy about her.

365
00:15:37,404 --> 00:15:39,172
All right,
I-I certainly don't want

366
00:15:39,239 --> 00:15:41,374
to stand in the way
of your happiness.

367
00:15:41,441 --> 00:15:42,542
Well, thank you.

368
00:15:42,609 --> 00:15:44,344
One question, though.

369
00:15:44,411 --> 00:15:45,145
Yeah?

370
00:15:45,212 --> 00:15:46,346
What are you going to tell Jake

371
00:15:46,413 --> 00:15:49,216
when he notices
his change jug is gone?

372
00:15:50,117 --> 00:15:51,051
Oh, uh, it'll be okay.

373
00:15:51,118 --> 00:15:53,686
I left him a postdated check.

374
00:15:53,753 --> 00:15:58,125
It'll be good by the time
he goes to college.

375
00:15:58,191 --> 00:16:02,329
Yeah, like that kid's
going to college.

376
00:16:03,396 --> 00:16:06,066
* Men.

377
00:16:09,636 --> 00:16:11,238
Perfect. Just perfect.

378
00:16:11,304 --> 00:16:12,705
Judith, I know what
you're thinking...

379
00:16:12,772 --> 00:16:13,973
I'll tell you
what I'm thinking.

380
00:16:14,041 --> 00:16:15,575
Your brother's
a weaselly little coward

381
00:16:15,642 --> 00:16:17,577
who doesn't have the guts to
face to his responsibilities...

382
00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:19,179
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!

383
00:16:19,246 --> 00:16:20,880
There's a little more to
this than meets the eye.

384
00:16:20,947 --> 00:16:23,150
Oh, really? And I suppose you're
going to explain it to me?

385
00:16:23,216 --> 00:16:24,717
I'm going to try,
if you'll calm down

386
00:16:24,784 --> 00:16:26,186
for a minute and listen.

387
00:16:26,253 --> 00:16:28,021
All right, I'm listening.

388
00:16:28,088 --> 00:16:29,389
Are you calm?

389
00:16:29,456 --> 00:16:31,124
I'm listening.

390
00:16:31,191 --> 00:16:34,727
Okay. You know why
Alan's not here?

391
00:16:34,794 --> 00:16:35,728
Because he's ashamed.

392
00:16:35,795 --> 00:16:37,030
Well, he should be.

393
00:16:37,097 --> 00:16:39,432
Judith, that's
not listening.

394
00:16:39,499 --> 00:16:42,469
He's ashamed because no
matter how hard he works,

395
00:16:42,535 --> 00:16:45,172
he just can't
seem to get ahead.

396
00:16:45,238 --> 00:16:47,440
You know his business is
falling apart, don't you?

397
00:16:47,507 --> 00:16:49,709
Really? He hasn't
said anything.

398
00:16:49,776 --> 00:16:51,178
Because he's too proud.

399
00:16:51,244 --> 00:16:53,746
Poor guy lost all his
chiropractic walk-ins

400
00:16:53,813 --> 00:16:55,215
to an unlicensed
massage parlor

401
00:16:55,282 --> 00:16:56,749
that opened up
right between him

402
00:16:56,816 --> 00:16:57,784
and the Jamba Juice.

403
00:16:57,850 --> 00:16:58,785
You're kidding.

404
00:16:58,851 --> 00:17:00,353
I'm deadly serious.

405
00:17:00,420 --> 00:17:01,988
Who's going to pay to
have their spine adjusted

406
00:17:02,055 --> 00:17:03,190
when, for half the price,

407
00:17:03,256 --> 00:17:06,526
they can get their
dingus dusted?

408
00:17:06,593 --> 00:17:08,661
Well, I wouldn't know
about that.

409
00:17:08,728 --> 00:17:13,233
As it turns out, I'm
a bit of an expert...

410
00:17:13,300 --> 00:17:15,868
and I'm telling you,
he's going under.

411
00:17:15,935 --> 00:17:17,003
Oh, my God.

412
00:17:17,070 --> 00:17:18,271
Did you know he took
a part-time job?

413
00:17:18,338 --> 00:17:20,607
No.
But you didn't
hear it from me.

414
00:17:20,673 --> 00:17:23,343
And please, please, don't
say anything to Jake.

415
00:17:23,410 --> 00:17:26,679
The last thing Alan wants
is to look like a failure

416
00:17:26,746 --> 00:17:29,816
in the eyes of that
little boy in there.

417
00:17:29,882 --> 00:17:31,918
Of course not.

418
00:17:31,984 --> 00:17:33,720
I won't say a word.

419
00:17:33,786 --> 00:17:34,987
Thank you.

420
00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:37,124
Hey. Where's Dad?

421
00:17:37,190 --> 00:17:39,859
Just go with Uncle Charlie.

422
00:17:39,926 --> 00:17:42,295
Okay.

423
00:17:43,763 --> 00:17:45,365
Why is Mom crying?

424
00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:48,835
Because I'm good.

425
00:17:49,902 --> 00:17:52,972
I'm very, very good.

426
00:17:53,039 --> 00:17:56,476
* Men.

427
00:17:56,543 --> 00:17:59,779
I'm really getting tired
of pizza.

428
00:17:59,846 --> 00:18:01,080
Well...

429
00:18:01,148 --> 00:18:03,750
I'm off to work.

430
00:18:06,819 --> 00:18:08,421
Get used to it.

431
00:18:10,723 --> 00:18:12,692
( in bad Italian accent ):
Enjoy-a your pizza.

432
00:18:12,759 --> 00:18:13,426
Scusi, signora.

433
00:18:13,493 --> 00:18:15,462
Um, Alan, what
are you doing?

434
00:18:15,528 --> 00:18:16,863
Oh, Judith,
I swear to God,

435
00:18:16,929 --> 00:18:19,031
I-I will get you your alimony
as soon as possible...

436
00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:21,668
No, please,
don't worry about it.

437
00:18:21,734 --> 00:18:22,369
Really?

438
00:18:22,435 --> 00:18:24,404
Charlie told me what's going on.

439
00:18:24,471 --> 00:18:26,373
I don't need the money
right now.

440
00:18:26,439 --> 00:18:27,607
Really?

441
00:18:27,674 --> 00:18:30,443
I may not have mentioned it, but
when my grandmother passed away,

442
00:18:30,510 --> 00:18:33,146
she left me a pretty
substantial inheritance.

443
00:18:33,213 --> 00:18:35,482
Really?

444
00:18:35,548 --> 00:18:38,418
In fact,
I want you to have this.

445
00:18:40,086 --> 00:18:41,154
Really?

446
00:18:41,221 --> 00:18:42,655
Pay me when you can.

447
00:18:42,722 --> 00:18:45,292
The important thing is
you get back on your feet.

448
00:18:46,593 --> 00:18:50,230
( in bad Italian accent ):
I'm-a so happy.

449
00:18:50,297 --> 00:18:51,431
Hi, Huggy Bear.

450
00:18:51,498 --> 00:18:54,133
Boy, I love the new car
you got me.

451
00:18:54,201 --> 00:18:55,235
Hi, Mrs. Harper.

452
00:18:55,302 --> 00:18:58,271
Doesn't he look cute
in a mustache?

453
00:19:03,643 --> 00:19:07,146
( in bad Italian accent ):
I'm-a so sad.

454
00:19:07,214 --> 00:19:08,848
* Men.

455
00:19:10,817 --> 00:19:12,885
( door opens and shuts )

456
00:19:25,365 --> 00:19:26,299
( sighs )

457
00:19:26,366 --> 00:19:28,535
How's that
pride doing?

458
00:19:31,304 --> 00:19:32,972
It's nice they let you take
a few home.

459
00:19:33,039 --> 00:19:37,277
It's in lieu
of health insurance.

460
00:19:37,344 --> 00:19:39,279
Did you know they actually have
a little machine

461
00:19:39,346 --> 00:19:41,748
that shoots the cheese
into the crust?

462
00:19:41,814 --> 00:19:42,682
Is that so?

463
00:19:42,749 --> 00:19:45,785
Yep. It's a little
high-pressure gun.

464
00:19:45,852 --> 00:19:49,689
Can't kill yourself with it,
though.

465
00:19:49,756 --> 00:19:52,091
I tried.

466
00:19:52,158 --> 00:19:54,394
I got to tell you
something, Alan,

467
00:19:54,461 --> 00:19:57,364
and this is from the
bottom of my heart.

468
00:19:57,430 --> 00:19:59,566
I think that you are
the stupidest man

469
00:19:59,632 --> 00:20:01,067
on the face
of the Earth,

470
00:20:01,133 --> 00:20:04,904
but I admire your
perseverance.

471
00:20:04,971 --> 00:20:07,607
You're going to have to talk
into the other ear.

472
00:20:07,674 --> 00:20:10,610
This one's full of cheese.

473
00:20:16,916 --> 00:20:18,385
( sighs )

474
00:20:20,219 --> 00:20:22,389
KANDI:
Is that my Huggy Bear?

475
00:20:22,455 --> 00:20:24,857
Yeah, it's him.

476
00:20:24,924 --> 00:20:26,526
KANDI:
Hey, guess what?

477
00:20:26,593 --> 00:20:28,661
You know my roommates,
Ellie and Emmett?

478
00:20:28,728 --> 00:20:29,662
Yeah.

479
00:20:29,729 --> 00:20:32,031
Turns out they're not
really brother and sister,

480
00:20:32,098 --> 00:20:34,934
so they started
sleeping together.

481
00:20:36,035 --> 00:20:37,837
Oh, that's lovely.

482
00:20:37,904 --> 00:20:40,106
Anyway, now they're going
to get their own place,

483
00:20:40,172 --> 00:20:41,841
and I don't know
how I'm going to pay

484
00:20:41,908 --> 00:20:42,975
the rent by myself.

485
00:20:43,042 --> 00:20:46,413
Huh.

486
00:20:46,479 --> 00:20:47,980
Oh, God, Kandi,
I can't, I can't.

487
00:20:48,047 --> 00:20:49,516
I-I-I'm all tapped out.

488
00:20:49,582 --> 00:20:53,520
All I have left to put on eBay
is a-a kidney or a lung.

489
00:20:53,586 --> 00:20:55,121
If I were you,
I'd sell the kidney,

490
00:20:55,187 --> 00:20:57,324
'cause lungs
don't grow back.

491
00:20:59,091 --> 00:21:00,327
I'm sorry, honey.

492
00:21:00,393 --> 00:21:01,661
You're just going to have

493
00:21:01,728 --> 00:21:04,063
to handle your living situation
on your own.

494
00:21:04,130 --> 00:21:06,833
Okay. Hey,
guess what else?

495
00:21:06,899 --> 00:21:12,839
You've got a loved one who needs
either an operation or bail?

496
00:21:12,905 --> 00:21:14,707
No, silly. I'm finished
with the dentist,

497
00:21:14,774 --> 00:21:19,078
and my mouth
is all better. See?

498
00:21:19,145 --> 00:21:21,314
Hey, I've got an idea.

499
00:21:21,381 --> 00:21:23,249
Why don't you
move in with me?

500
00:21:23,316 --> 00:21:24,717
Okay!

501
00:21:26,786 --> 00:21:29,422
( in bad Italian accent ):
I'm-a so screwed.