1 00:00:01,502 --> 00:00:03,971 So, any thoughts on what you'd like for dinner this weekend? 2 00:00:04,038 --> 00:00:05,406 You decide, honey. 3 00:00:05,473 --> 00:00:07,841 I love everything you cook. 4 00:00:07,908 --> 00:00:10,211 Oh, so all of a sudden I'm a woman because I cook 5 00:00:10,278 --> 00:00:12,480 and try to make a nice home for you? 6 00:00:13,481 --> 00:00:15,583 Okay, I heard it, too. Shut up. 7 00:00:15,649 --> 00:00:17,551 JAKE: Gangway! 8 00:00:19,687 --> 00:00:20,654 Jake! 9 00:00:20,721 --> 00:00:21,622 Leave him alone. 10 00:00:21,689 --> 00:00:22,890 With his grades, 11 00:00:22,956 --> 00:00:25,159 he might as well get used to pushing shopping carts around. 12 00:00:25,226 --> 00:00:26,627 Are you saying my son's going 13 00:00:26,694 --> 00:00:28,462 to end up working in a supermarket? 14 00:00:28,529 --> 00:00:31,599 No, I'm saying he's probably going to end up homeless. 15 00:00:33,201 --> 00:00:35,803 Well, as I live and breathe, Charlie Harper. 16 00:00:37,505 --> 00:00:39,973 ( sotto voce ): Oh, great. 17 00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:41,242 Archie. 18 00:00:41,309 --> 00:00:44,312 So how's the best jingle writer in the business? 19 00:00:44,378 --> 00:00:46,647 Looks like he's put on a few pounds. 20 00:00:46,714 --> 00:00:48,716 Archie, this is my brother, Alan. 21 00:00:48,782 --> 00:00:51,785 Alan, Archie Baldwin, the king of the jingle writers. 22 00:00:51,852 --> 00:00:53,087 Well, I don't know about that. 23 00:00:53,154 --> 00:00:56,490 More like the ayatollah of the jingle writers. 24 00:00:56,557 --> 00:00:58,726 The Grand Pooh-Bah, if you will. 25 00:00:58,792 --> 00:01:01,295 Really? What's that make you, Charlie? 26 00:01:01,362 --> 00:01:04,232 To be honest, a little nauseous. 27 00:01:04,298 --> 00:01:06,267 Hey, listen, we should get together sometime, 28 00:01:06,334 --> 00:01:06,900 maybe collaborate. 29 00:01:06,967 --> 00:01:08,169 I'd like that. 30 00:01:08,236 --> 00:01:10,704 Well, sure, there's no downside for you. 31 00:01:12,540 --> 00:01:13,341 What the hell. 32 00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:15,976 Remind me about it at the awards dinner. 33 00:01:16,043 --> 00:01:17,845 Oh, I'm not going to that. 34 00:01:17,911 --> 00:01:18,979 Well, why not? You're nominated. 35 00:01:19,046 --> 00:01:21,081 What are you nominated for? 36 00:01:21,149 --> 00:01:22,850 It's a silly advertising award. 37 00:01:22,916 --> 00:01:23,751 Doesn't mean anything. 38 00:01:23,817 --> 00:01:25,253 Yeah, he's right. 39 00:01:25,319 --> 00:01:27,721 It's not about the trophies, it's about the work. 40 00:01:27,788 --> 00:01:31,492 P.S.: My work has won seven trophies. 41 00:01:32,426 --> 00:01:33,227 Hey, 42 00:01:33,294 --> 00:01:35,763 one more, I'll have a menorah. 43 00:01:35,829 --> 00:01:38,932 Well, good luck, Archie, but I think I'll pass. 44 00:01:38,999 --> 00:01:40,834 Oh, well, good for you. 45 00:01:40,901 --> 00:01:41,869 Stay home and sulk. 46 00:01:41,935 --> 00:01:43,404 Nice meeting you. 47 00:01:43,471 --> 00:01:48,976 Okay, where do they keep the extra-large condoms? 48 00:01:49,042 --> 00:01:51,979 Boy, he's a piece of work. 49 00:01:52,045 --> 00:01:54,515 He's a piece of something. 50 00:01:54,582 --> 00:01:56,049 Hey, how come you never mentioned 51 00:01:56,116 --> 00:01:57,117 that whole awards thing? 52 00:01:57,185 --> 00:01:58,319 It's no big deal. 53 00:01:58,386 --> 00:01:59,653 I've been nominated plenty of times. 54 00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:01,088 Oh. Well, how many times have you won? 55 00:02:01,155 --> 00:02:02,856 What difference does it make? 56 00:02:02,923 --> 00:02:04,192 So never. 57 00:02:04,258 --> 00:02:05,759 Yes, Alan, never. 58 00:02:05,826 --> 00:02:09,197 But that guy Archie has won, like, seven times. 59 00:02:09,263 --> 00:02:10,631 Yes, he has. 60 00:02:10,698 --> 00:02:14,568 Wow, that's got to sting. 61 00:02:14,635 --> 00:02:17,137 Hey, Alan, have you ever been beaten to death 62 00:02:17,205 --> 00:02:18,572 with a can of corn? 63 00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:21,675 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 64 00:02:21,742 --> 00:02:24,678 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh 65 00:02:24,745 --> 00:02:28,516 * Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh, ooh 66 00:02:28,582 --> 00:02:30,384 * Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... * 67 00:02:30,451 --> 00:02:32,720 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 68 00:02:32,786 --> 00:02:36,557 * Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 69 00:02:36,624 --> 00:02:39,493 * Ah. * Men. * Men. 70 00:02:47,601 --> 00:02:49,237 ( pop rock music playing ) 71 00:02:49,303 --> 00:02:52,105 * Bad stuff grows in the crack of your toes * 72 00:02:52,172 --> 00:02:54,742 * And nobody knows like Toe-Zene * 73 00:02:54,808 --> 00:02:58,479 * Itchy feet burn, make you squiggle and squirm * 74 00:02:58,546 --> 00:03:02,216 * Get fast relief with Toe-Zene * 75 00:03:02,283 --> 00:03:03,817 * Toe-Zene 76 00:03:03,884 --> 00:03:05,686 ANNOUNCER: Toe-Zene anti-fungal medication should not be used 77 00:03:05,753 --> 00:03:07,421 by pregnant women, people with heart conditions 78 00:03:07,488 --> 00:03:09,657 or those who are taking SSI inhibitors. 79 00:03:09,723 --> 00:03:13,227 * Toe-Zene. 80 00:03:13,294 --> 00:03:16,897 I don't know. This could be my year. 81 00:03:16,964 --> 00:03:21,001 I really think it's your best work, Charlie. 82 00:03:21,068 --> 00:03:21,602 Thanks. 83 00:03:21,669 --> 00:03:23,404 I know I said the same thing 84 00:03:23,471 --> 00:03:24,638 about Mr. Herpes Lip Balm. 85 00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:25,706 Yeah. 86 00:03:25,773 --> 00:03:28,342 Just Like a Woman Natural Douche. 87 00:03:28,409 --> 00:03:31,445 And that hemorrhoid cream. What was it called? 88 00:03:31,512 --> 00:03:34,315 Fire in the Hole. 89 00:03:36,784 --> 00:03:39,152 That was good, but Toe-Zene is the one 90 00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:41,555 that's finally going to bring home the gold. 91 00:03:41,622 --> 00:03:43,791 Thanks for your support, Rose. 92 00:03:43,857 --> 00:03:44,558 You're welcome. 93 00:03:44,625 --> 00:03:47,628 Now, can you do something for me? 94 00:03:49,297 --> 00:03:50,398 No. 95 00:03:50,464 --> 00:03:53,133 Oh, come on, Charlie. 96 00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:55,569 I want you to talk to my boyfriend. 97 00:03:55,636 --> 00:03:58,972 Why would I want to talk to your boyfriend? 98 00:03:59,039 --> 00:04:01,909 Because he's smothering me, and not in the good, 99 00:04:01,975 --> 00:04:05,346 "Can you move your thigh off my face" kind of way. 100 00:04:07,281 --> 00:04:09,016 I need my space, Charlie. 101 00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:11,852 I wake up in the morning and there he is staring at me. 102 00:04:11,919 --> 00:04:13,186 I have a bowl of soup, 103 00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:14,855 and there he is blowing on it for me. 104 00:04:14,922 --> 00:04:16,089 Even when we have sex, 105 00:04:16,156 --> 00:04:20,260 I can feel his eyes burning a hole in the back of my head. 106 00:04:21,762 --> 00:04:24,231 Oh, that's going to keep me up tonight. 107 00:04:24,298 --> 00:04:27,267 You have to explain to him that 108 00:04:27,335 --> 00:04:30,604 if you love someone, you have to let them go. 109 00:04:30,671 --> 00:04:32,773 If they come back, they're yours. 110 00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:35,676 If they don't, then you stalk them. 111 00:04:35,743 --> 00:04:37,511 Look, I really don't want to get involved 112 00:04:37,578 --> 00:04:38,646 in your love life. 113 00:04:38,712 --> 00:04:40,414 Well, if someone doesn't talk to him, 114 00:04:40,481 --> 00:04:42,049 we're gonna have to break up. 115 00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:45,686 Do what you have to do. 116 00:04:45,753 --> 00:04:47,321 Oh, I get it. 117 00:04:47,388 --> 00:04:49,857 You want me to be single again. 118 00:04:52,426 --> 00:04:54,227 Get him over here. 119 00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:56,764 Thank you. 120 00:04:56,830 --> 00:04:58,999 Was that so hard? 121 00:05:00,934 --> 00:05:03,371 * Men. 122 00:05:03,437 --> 00:05:07,007 ( playing soft version of Toe-Zene jingle ) 123 00:05:12,746 --> 00:05:15,215 I had no idea these awards were so prestigious. 124 00:05:15,282 --> 00:05:18,118 They're meaningless crap. 125 00:05:18,185 --> 00:05:21,789 Come on. Look at this list of past winners for Best Jingle. 126 00:05:21,855 --> 00:05:23,424 Barry Manilow, Randy Newman, Kenny Loggins, 127 00:05:23,491 --> 00:05:26,494 Archie Baldwin, Archie Baldwin, 128 00:05:26,560 --> 00:05:28,462 Archie Baldwin... ( bangs piano keys ) 129 00:05:29,262 --> 00:05:30,531 What's your point? 130 00:05:30,598 --> 00:05:33,367 My point is it's an honor just to be nominated. 131 00:05:33,434 --> 00:05:35,903 No, no, it's an honor to win. 132 00:05:35,969 --> 00:05:36,770 Being nominated 133 00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:39,973 is just a soul-sucking waste of time. 134 00:05:40,040 --> 00:05:42,109 Why are you so sure you're going to lose? 135 00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:44,578 Because it doesn't matter who wrote the best jingle. 136 00:05:44,645 --> 00:05:46,947 It's about who has the sexiest product. 137 00:05:47,014 --> 00:05:49,883 That's why the awards always go to car and beer ads. 138 00:05:49,950 --> 00:05:52,653 Over-the-counter medications just aren't hip enough. 139 00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:55,489 That hardly seems fair. 140 00:05:55,556 --> 00:05:56,824 Tell me about it. 141 00:05:56,890 --> 00:05:59,793 Encourage people to get drunk and drive fast, great, 142 00:05:59,860 --> 00:06:01,028 here's an award. 143 00:06:01,094 --> 00:06:05,599 Relieve the heartbreak of vaginal itching? 144 00:06:05,666 --> 00:06:08,235 They don't even want to shake your hand. 145 00:06:08,301 --> 00:06:12,540 Well, win or lose, you should still go to the ceremony. 146 00:06:12,606 --> 00:06:13,574 No, no, no, no, no. 147 00:06:13,641 --> 00:06:15,242 An awards ceremony is like a Thai massage. 148 00:06:15,308 --> 00:06:18,546 If you don't know that there's going to be a happy ending, 149 00:06:18,612 --> 00:06:19,647 there's no point in lying down. 150 00:06:19,713 --> 00:06:20,548 It's not just about you, Charlie. 151 00:06:20,614 --> 00:06:21,815 You have a family 152 00:06:21,882 --> 00:06:23,150 who's proud of your accomplishments 153 00:06:23,216 --> 00:06:25,419 and might like the chance to share them. 154 00:06:25,486 --> 00:06:26,720 What family is that? 155 00:06:26,787 --> 00:06:29,590 Your family: me, Jake, Mom. 156 00:06:29,657 --> 00:06:30,558 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 157 00:06:30,624 --> 00:06:32,125 Do not tell Mom about this nomination. 158 00:06:32,192 --> 00:06:33,226 Why? It's a good thing. 159 00:06:33,293 --> 00:06:34,695 It doesn't matter. 160 00:06:34,762 --> 00:06:36,530 If it's a good thing, she'll find a way to make it bad. 161 00:06:36,597 --> 00:06:39,132 Okay, now you're just being ridiculous. 162 00:06:39,199 --> 00:06:39,900 Oh, really. 163 00:06:39,967 --> 00:06:41,602 Let's try a little experiment. 164 00:06:41,669 --> 00:06:42,803 I'll pretend I'm Mom 165 00:06:42,870 --> 00:06:44,237 and you tell me something good. 166 00:06:44,304 --> 00:06:46,474 All right. Um, 167 00:06:46,540 --> 00:06:49,276 hey, Mom, I have discovered a cure for cancer. 168 00:06:49,342 --> 00:06:50,844 Very nice. 169 00:06:50,911 --> 00:06:52,713 Shame you couldn't do it in time 170 00:06:52,780 --> 00:06:55,449 to save Uncle Walter's left testicle. 171 00:06:56,817 --> 00:06:58,619 Come on. Give me another one. 172 00:06:58,686 --> 00:06:59,920 No, I get the idea. 173 00:06:59,987 --> 00:07:01,421 No, hit me. 174 00:07:01,489 --> 00:07:03,857 Okay, um... 175 00:07:03,924 --> 00:07:06,927 Gee, Mom, it really is a beautiful day, huh? 176 00:07:06,994 --> 00:07:10,998 Try telling that to Uncle Walter's one good nut. 177 00:07:12,733 --> 00:07:16,069 Okay. Um, I adore my son. 178 00:07:16,136 --> 00:07:18,171 Somebody has to. 179 00:07:19,072 --> 00:07:23,043 How about friendship? 180 00:07:23,110 --> 00:07:24,011 How about Judas? 181 00:07:24,077 --> 00:07:25,145 Family. Manson. 182 00:07:25,212 --> 00:07:26,346 Puppies. Rabies. 183 00:07:26,413 --> 00:07:28,048 Love. Communicable disease. 184 00:07:28,115 --> 00:07:28,782 You win. 185 00:07:28,849 --> 00:07:31,051 Quitter! Leave me alone. 186 00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:31,985 You're already alone. 187 00:07:32,052 --> 00:07:35,122 Your wife threw you out, remember? 188 00:07:35,188 --> 00:07:37,390 * Men. 189 00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:39,426 ROSE: Damn it, Gordon! 190 00:07:39,493 --> 00:07:40,961 Get up there and talk to Charlie. 191 00:07:41,028 --> 00:07:43,263 GORDON: But I don't want to talk to Charlie. 192 00:07:43,330 --> 00:07:45,999 ROSE: Do you like having sex with me, Gordon? 193 00:07:46,066 --> 00:07:47,935 Hey, Charlie. 194 00:07:48,001 --> 00:07:49,069 Hey, Gordon. 195 00:07:49,136 --> 00:07:50,203 What's going on? 196 00:07:50,270 --> 00:07:51,739 Oh, not much. 197 00:07:51,805 --> 00:07:53,040 I was just passing by. 198 00:07:53,106 --> 00:07:56,343 Thought I'd see how you're doing. 199 00:07:56,409 --> 00:07:58,546 I'm doing fine. 200 00:07:58,612 --> 00:08:00,180 Good. 201 00:08:00,247 --> 00:08:02,816 Good... 202 00:08:04,351 --> 00:08:06,353 Nice shirt. 203 00:08:06,419 --> 00:08:08,822 Right back at ya. 204 00:08:10,791 --> 00:08:12,325 So... 205 00:08:12,392 --> 00:08:14,127 Rose says I have to talk to you, 206 00:08:14,194 --> 00:08:16,564 or I can't have sex with her anymore. 207 00:08:16,630 --> 00:08:17,865 I see. 208 00:08:17,931 --> 00:08:20,267 You sure you're making the right choice? 209 00:08:20,333 --> 00:08:21,969 Call me crazy. 210 00:08:22,035 --> 00:08:25,405 Well, crazy is the price of admission for that ride. 211 00:08:25,472 --> 00:08:27,407 Okay, come here, sit down. 212 00:08:27,474 --> 00:08:28,341 Oh. 213 00:08:28,408 --> 00:08:30,177 You want a beer? 214 00:08:30,243 --> 00:08:31,478 Oh, no, thank you. 215 00:08:31,545 --> 00:08:33,380 I'm a really mean drunk. 216 00:08:33,446 --> 00:08:36,283 I sensed that. 217 00:08:36,349 --> 00:08:39,587 Anyway, the thing you need to understand about Rose-- 218 00:08:39,653 --> 00:08:41,755 about any woman really is-- 219 00:08:41,822 --> 00:08:43,557 they want what they can't have. 220 00:08:43,624 --> 00:08:45,392 But Rose can have me. 221 00:08:45,458 --> 00:08:46,459 Trust me on this, Gordon. 222 00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:48,528 Play it cool, keep your distance, be aloof, 223 00:08:48,596 --> 00:08:51,298 you'll have to call the cops to get rid of her. 224 00:08:51,364 --> 00:08:52,933 You really think so? 225 00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:54,735 I know so. 226 00:08:54,802 --> 00:08:56,503 But they won't come right away. 227 00:08:56,570 --> 00:08:58,205 She'll still have time 228 00:08:58,271 --> 00:09:01,575 to hot glue her high school graduation picture 229 00:09:01,642 --> 00:09:04,812 to your freshly shaved ass. 230 00:09:09,082 --> 00:09:11,018 * Men. 231 00:09:12,519 --> 00:09:13,553 Hey, Mom, 232 00:09:13,621 --> 00:09:15,589 here's some good news. 233 00:09:15,656 --> 00:09:17,357 It seems with medical breakthroughs, 234 00:09:17,424 --> 00:09:20,761 the average lifespan will soon be a hundred years. 235 00:09:20,828 --> 00:09:24,197 Wonderful. More time to be ignored by your children. 236 00:09:26,667 --> 00:09:28,535 Amazing. 237 00:09:28,602 --> 00:09:30,671 Morning, Mom. 238 00:09:30,738 --> 00:09:32,172 You're looking very pretty today. 239 00:09:32,239 --> 00:09:35,876 That's nice, because inside I'm dead. 240 00:09:38,979 --> 00:09:40,748 When you're right, you're right. 241 00:09:40,814 --> 00:09:42,783 Charlie, I need a favor. 242 00:09:42,850 --> 00:09:44,785 Yeah, well, I need a healthy liver, 243 00:09:44,852 --> 00:09:46,820 and there's a long waiting list for both. 244 00:09:46,887 --> 00:09:49,589 I've got a client coming into town next Saturday, 245 00:09:49,657 --> 00:09:51,058 and he's bringing his lovely daughter. 246 00:09:51,124 --> 00:09:54,762 Uh, and by "lovely," she means "dog-like." 247 00:09:54,828 --> 00:09:56,797 All right, she may not be a beauty queen, 248 00:09:56,864 --> 00:09:58,766 but she does have a terrific figure. 249 00:09:58,832 --> 00:10:01,702 I'm guessing six nipples. 250 00:10:04,537 --> 00:10:07,174 Anyhow, I was hoping you could show her a good time. 251 00:10:07,240 --> 00:10:08,676 No big deal. 252 00:10:08,742 --> 00:10:10,077 You don't even have to take her to dinner. 253 00:10:10,143 --> 00:10:11,745 Just go to the beach and throw a stick 254 00:10:11,812 --> 00:10:13,246 till she gets tired. 255 00:10:14,915 --> 00:10:16,416 Gee, Mom, as much as I'd love 256 00:10:16,483 --> 00:10:19,787 to service the unfortunate little schnauzer, 257 00:10:19,853 --> 00:10:21,288 I'm busy next Saturday. 258 00:10:21,354 --> 00:10:22,489 What are you doing? 259 00:10:22,555 --> 00:10:23,824 I've... I've... 260 00:10:23,891 --> 00:10:25,826 I've got a... uh... I got a... I got a thing. 261 00:10:25,893 --> 00:10:27,995 Don't lie to me, Charlie. You've got nothing. 262 00:10:28,061 --> 00:10:28,962 You just don't want to help me. 263 00:10:29,029 --> 00:10:30,197 No, no, no, no. I...I... I swear. 264 00:10:30,263 --> 00:10:31,865 I have... I have... I have plans. 265 00:10:31,932 --> 00:10:33,300 I'm... I'm... I'm going to this... 266 00:10:33,366 --> 00:10:35,869 this awards ceremony. 267 00:10:35,936 --> 00:10:37,204 You never go to these things. 268 00:10:37,270 --> 00:10:38,872 Yeah, well, this year's different. 269 00:10:38,939 --> 00:10:40,941 Your client's daughter will just have 270 00:10:41,008 --> 00:10:43,677 to hump somebody else's leg. 271 00:10:45,078 --> 00:10:49,116 Told you I could get him to go. 272 00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:00,894 This is really boring. 273 00:11:00,961 --> 00:11:02,896 Keep it to yourself, Jake. 274 00:11:02,963 --> 00:11:05,232 I just don't understand why I had to come. 275 00:11:05,298 --> 00:11:07,968 You're here to support your Uncle Charlie, 276 00:11:08,035 --> 00:11:09,036 the same way he supported you 277 00:11:09,102 --> 00:11:11,338 by going to your Christmas pageant this year. 278 00:11:11,404 --> 00:11:13,073 You remember the one, where you stood in back 279 00:11:13,140 --> 00:11:14,441 picking lint off your antlers 280 00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:15,608 while the rest of the class 281 00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:17,878 recited "The Night Before Kwanzaa." 282 00:11:17,945 --> 00:11:21,982 Oh, yeah. Uncle Charlie? 283 00:11:22,049 --> 00:11:22,950 What? 284 00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:25,786 Now you have to come to my Easter pageant. 285 00:11:25,853 --> 00:11:29,656 This event isn't televised, is it? 286 00:11:29,723 --> 00:11:31,024 No. 287 00:11:31,091 --> 00:11:34,461 Hmm. Well, I guess they only show the important awards. 288 00:11:37,464 --> 00:11:38,799 Congratulations. 289 00:11:38,866 --> 00:11:41,769 You've just been elected tonight's designated driver. 290 00:11:44,504 --> 00:11:46,173 Come on, just ignore her. 291 00:11:46,239 --> 00:11:51,378 Ignore her? It would be easier to ignore blood in my urine. 292 00:11:51,444 --> 00:11:52,579 Well, well, well. 293 00:11:52,645 --> 00:11:55,548 Look who decided to be a good sport. 294 00:11:55,615 --> 00:11:57,384 Speaking of blood in my urine. 295 00:11:57,450 --> 00:11:58,919 Hey, Archie. 296 00:11:58,986 --> 00:12:00,888 Hey, I want to tell you people, 297 00:12:00,954 --> 00:12:03,390 this man has been a real inspiration to me. 298 00:12:03,456 --> 00:12:03,824 No, come on. 299 00:12:03,891 --> 00:12:05,192 No, no. I mean it. 300 00:12:05,258 --> 00:12:07,060 Whenever I'm struggling to write a jingle 301 00:12:07,127 --> 00:12:08,595 and I feel like I'm not measuring up, 302 00:12:08,661 --> 00:12:12,499 I ask myself, how would Charlie Harper write this? 303 00:12:12,565 --> 00:12:15,769 And the answer always makes me feel better about my own work. 304 00:12:17,838 --> 00:12:20,908 So, Charlie, aren't you going to introduce me? 305 00:12:20,974 --> 00:12:23,676 Mom, Archie. Archie, Mom. 306 00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:25,612 You're Charlie's mother? 307 00:12:25,678 --> 00:12:29,282 Oh, a teenage pregnancy, no doubt. 308 00:12:30,650 --> 00:12:33,286 How brave of you to keep him. 309 00:12:34,822 --> 00:12:37,424 Well, aren't you adorable. 310 00:12:37,490 --> 00:12:40,627 Mom, Archie is nominated in the same category as Charlie. 311 00:12:40,693 --> 00:12:41,761 Oh. 312 00:12:41,829 --> 00:12:44,531 Well, I'll be rooting for you, Archie. 313 00:12:45,999 --> 00:12:47,868 Okay, then, thanks for stopping by. 314 00:12:47,935 --> 00:12:48,969 Good luck. 315 00:12:49,036 --> 00:12:49,870 You deserve it this year. 316 00:12:49,937 --> 00:12:51,204 Thanks. 317 00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:53,807 I mean, how many times can they snub you? 318 00:12:53,874 --> 00:12:55,542 I don't really keep track. 319 00:12:55,608 --> 00:12:57,510 Seven. 320 00:12:58,778 --> 00:13:01,681 Seven years in a row. 321 00:13:01,748 --> 00:13:02,782 If you say so. 322 00:13:02,850 --> 00:13:05,518 Hey, stick around after the ceremony. 323 00:13:05,585 --> 00:13:07,988 If I win, I'll let you hold my trophy. 324 00:13:09,556 --> 00:13:14,027 Not to mention the little statue they give me. 325 00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:20,800 Isn't the little statue the trophy? 326 00:13:20,868 --> 00:13:24,237 Just eat your chicken. 327 00:13:24,304 --> 00:13:26,907 And now, before we present the Jingle of the Year Award, 328 00:13:26,974 --> 00:13:28,508 we have a special treat. 329 00:13:28,575 --> 00:13:32,345 Please tell me they're gonna pass out guns. 330 00:13:32,412 --> 00:13:34,915 Our very own seven -time award winner, 331 00:13:34,982 --> 00:13:37,550 here to perform his own nominated tune, 332 00:13:37,617 --> 00:13:40,087 composed especially for the United Nations' 333 00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:41,821 Save-an-Orphan program... 334 00:13:41,889 --> 00:13:44,892 Oh, God, not orphans. 335 00:13:44,958 --> 00:13:46,659 Archie Baldwin! 336 00:13:46,726 --> 00:13:50,097 Oh, goodie. 337 00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:51,865 ( piano playing gentle tune ) 338 00:13:51,932 --> 00:13:54,301 This is for all the orphans out there. 339 00:13:59,206 --> 00:14:04,211 * There's no tree at Christmastime * 340 00:14:04,277 --> 00:14:08,448 * No pumpkin Hallow's Eve 341 00:14:08,515 --> 00:14:13,086 * No candles on the birthday cake * 342 00:14:13,153 --> 00:14:18,058 * No reason to believe 343 00:14:18,125 --> 00:14:23,931 * He works all day in a cold, dark mine * 344 00:14:23,997 --> 00:14:28,936 * His little lungs filled with soot * 345 00:14:29,002 --> 00:14:32,672 * Her mom is Kim Jong's concubine * 346 00:14:32,739 --> 00:14:37,444 * Her dad was killed by the Tonton Macoute * 347 00:14:37,510 --> 00:14:39,679 * Save the orphans 348 00:14:39,746 --> 00:14:42,515 * Ah... * 349 00:14:42,582 --> 00:14:45,518 * Save the orphans 350 00:14:48,755 --> 00:14:51,124 * Don't do it for me 351 00:14:51,191 --> 00:14:52,792 * Don't do it for you 352 00:14:52,859 --> 00:14:57,897 * Do it for little Kim Sung, ( clicking noise ) and Abu * 353 00:14:57,965 --> 00:15:01,534 * Save the orphans 354 00:15:01,601 --> 00:15:04,137 * Ah... * Come on, everybody! 355 00:15:04,204 --> 00:15:08,375 * Save the orphans * Ah... * 356 00:15:08,441 --> 00:15:10,643 Tax deductible! 357 00:15:10,710 --> 00:15:14,781 * Save the orphans 358 00:15:14,847 --> 00:15:18,251 * Save the orphans 359 00:15:18,318 --> 00:15:21,288 * Save the orphans 360 00:15:21,354 --> 00:15:23,991 Woody Allen can't marry them all! 361 00:15:24,057 --> 00:15:26,126 * Save the orphans 362 00:15:26,193 --> 00:15:28,728 Some of them don't even have parents! 363 00:15:28,795 --> 00:15:31,598 * Save the orphans 364 00:15:31,664 --> 00:15:33,800 Get two, get one free! 365 00:15:33,866 --> 00:15:36,836 * Save the orphans 366 00:15:36,903 --> 00:15:38,838 You're the ones paying for scholarships! 367 00:15:38,905 --> 00:15:40,773 * Save the orphans... 368 00:15:40,840 --> 00:15:44,377 * Save the orphans * 369 00:15:44,444 --> 00:15:46,713 * Ah... 370 00:15:46,779 --> 00:15:48,681 * Save the orphans 371 00:15:48,748 --> 00:15:49,682 * Ah... 372 00:15:49,749 --> 00:15:51,951 Enough! 373 00:15:52,019 --> 00:15:53,753 But it's catchy. 374 00:15:53,820 --> 00:15:57,024 So is diphtheria. 375 00:15:57,090 --> 00:15:58,891 How come you don't get a runner-up trophy? 376 00:15:58,958 --> 00:16:00,527 'Cause I don't. 377 00:16:00,593 --> 00:16:03,563 In school, everybody gets a trophy just for participating. 378 00:16:03,630 --> 00:16:06,699 Well, Jake, that's the difference 379 00:16:06,766 --> 00:16:08,368 between school and life. 380 00:16:08,435 --> 00:16:10,837 In life, all you get for participating 381 00:16:10,903 --> 00:16:13,773 is pain, loneliness and death. 382 00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:14,941 ( car horn honks ) 383 00:16:15,008 --> 00:16:17,877 Better luck next year, Charlie! 384 00:16:17,944 --> 00:16:20,647 Good night, boys. 385 00:16:26,053 --> 00:16:28,088 Oh, yeah, I forgot. 386 00:16:28,155 --> 00:16:32,325 There's also crushing humiliation. 387 00:16:32,392 --> 00:16:33,393 Huh. 388 00:16:33,460 --> 00:16:35,895 Well, in sixth grade, you get a trophy. 389 00:16:35,962 --> 00:16:38,431 * Men. 390 00:16:42,069 --> 00:16:44,137 Hey. 391 00:16:44,204 --> 00:16:45,605 Can I get you anything? 392 00:16:45,672 --> 00:16:50,377 A length of rope and a rickety stool? 393 00:16:50,443 --> 00:16:53,613 Charlie, it's understandable 394 00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:55,915 that you might be a little blue right now. 395 00:16:55,982 --> 00:16:57,917 But that will pass. 396 00:16:57,984 --> 00:17:00,687 Get out of here, Alan. 397 00:17:00,753 --> 00:17:03,256 You know, I often find 398 00:17:03,323 --> 00:17:05,925 that when things look darkest, 399 00:17:05,992 --> 00:17:07,860 it really helps to share your... 400 00:17:07,927 --> 00:17:11,164 I swear, I will drop-kick you over that railing. 401 00:17:11,231 --> 00:17:12,632 All right. 402 00:17:14,334 --> 00:17:17,036 Pleasant dreams. 403 00:17:17,104 --> 00:17:20,573 You don't dream in a blackout, you moron. 404 00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:23,376 Hey, Charlie. 405 00:17:23,443 --> 00:17:25,312 Oh, God. 406 00:17:25,378 --> 00:17:26,913 How'd it go tonight? 407 00:17:26,979 --> 00:17:28,981 Well, let me put it this way: 408 00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:32,252 What the advertising community did to me earlier this evening, 409 00:17:32,319 --> 00:17:34,887 Archie Baldwin is now doing to my mother. 410 00:17:34,954 --> 00:17:38,725 He's not acknowledging her wonderful talent? 411 00:17:38,791 --> 00:17:41,528 Just leave it alone, Rose. 412 00:17:41,594 --> 00:17:42,295 Sorry. 413 00:17:42,362 --> 00:17:45,064 Have you seen Gordon? 414 00:17:45,132 --> 00:17:46,833 Not since I talked to him. 415 00:17:46,899 --> 00:17:48,968 And by the way, thanks for that opportunity. 416 00:17:49,035 --> 00:17:53,573 I've always wanted to bond with a pasty kid who dresses like me. 417 00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:56,143 Well, I don't know what you said to him, 418 00:17:56,209 --> 00:17:58,611 but he's been acting very strange, lately. 419 00:17:58,678 --> 00:18:01,148 Lately? 420 00:18:01,214 --> 00:18:03,650 I keep calling, but he doesn't pick up the phone. 421 00:18:03,716 --> 00:18:06,253 And when I leave a message, he doesn't call back. 422 00:18:06,319 --> 00:18:09,021 I thought you wanted him to stop being so clingy. 423 00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:12,859 I thought I did, too, but now I miss his cute little face 424 00:18:12,925 --> 00:18:16,629 peeking at me while I'm washing my hair, shaving my legs, 425 00:18:16,696 --> 00:18:19,866 soaping up my breasts, which you no doubt remember 426 00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:22,502 are extremely firm and perky. 427 00:18:22,569 --> 00:18:25,738 So he spies on you in the shower? 428 00:18:25,805 --> 00:18:28,508 No. That would be weird. 429 00:18:30,877 --> 00:18:33,646 Why is love so complicated? 430 00:18:33,713 --> 00:18:35,615 I don't know, Rose. 431 00:18:35,682 --> 00:18:37,550 Stuff happens. 432 00:18:37,617 --> 00:18:38,418 Oh, Charlie, 433 00:18:38,485 --> 00:18:41,654 you always know the right thing to say. 434 00:18:43,323 --> 00:18:46,259 Well, this is a fine kettle of fish. 435 00:18:46,326 --> 00:18:50,263 Oh, why can't I just black out in peace? 436 00:18:50,330 --> 00:18:52,532 "Be aloof," you said. "Play hard to get." 437 00:18:52,599 --> 00:18:55,935 You just wanted me out of your way so you could make your move. 438 00:18:56,002 --> 00:18:57,970 You caught me, Gordon. 439 00:18:58,037 --> 00:19:00,440 Now do the right thing and kill me. 440 00:19:02,108 --> 00:19:04,444 Oh, Charlie, is this true? 441 00:19:04,511 --> 00:19:08,080 Is this part of some devious plan to win me back? 442 00:19:08,147 --> 00:19:10,016 You heard her, Gordon. 443 00:19:10,082 --> 00:19:11,418 Kill me. 444 00:19:11,484 --> 00:19:14,020 Rose, you wanted him out of your hair, 445 00:19:14,086 --> 00:19:15,255 I got him out of your hair. 446 00:19:15,322 --> 00:19:17,056 You wanted to get rid of me? 447 00:19:17,123 --> 00:19:19,692 No. I just need some space. 448 00:19:19,759 --> 00:19:20,827 You want space? 449 00:19:20,893 --> 00:19:22,995 I'll give you all the space you want. Fine. 450 00:19:23,062 --> 00:19:24,397 In fact, I'll leave right now. 451 00:19:24,464 --> 00:19:26,299 Well, great, I'll just stay here with Charlie. 452 00:19:26,366 --> 00:19:28,835 Whoa, whoa, whoa. 453 00:19:28,901 --> 00:19:29,836 Nobody leaves. 454 00:19:29,902 --> 00:19:33,072 Nobody stays. 455 00:19:33,139 --> 00:19:35,908 Rose, get off me. 456 00:19:37,444 --> 00:19:40,513 Okay, now, everybody listen carefully, 457 00:19:40,580 --> 00:19:44,317 'cause I'm pretty sure I'm only gonna be able to say this once. 458 00:19:44,384 --> 00:19:46,052 Rose, think about it. 459 00:19:46,118 --> 00:19:49,522 Where are you gonna find a guy who loves you as much as Gordon? 460 00:19:49,589 --> 00:19:53,826 And Gordon, where are you gonna find a girl... 461 00:19:53,893 --> 00:19:55,228 period? 462 00:19:55,295 --> 00:19:58,231 The man makes sense, Rose. 463 00:19:58,298 --> 00:20:00,467 Damn right, I make sense. 464 00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:02,535 If you kids don't patch things up, 465 00:20:02,602 --> 00:20:04,070 you know what's gonna happen? 466 00:20:04,136 --> 00:20:07,707 You're gonna wind up old, miserable and alone. 467 00:20:07,774 --> 00:20:10,176 He's right, Gordon. 468 00:20:10,243 --> 00:20:11,210 Look what happened to him. 469 00:20:11,278 --> 00:20:14,381 I love you, Rose. 470 00:20:14,447 --> 00:20:16,649 I love you, too. 471 00:20:18,385 --> 00:20:21,087 Oh, good, a happy ending. 472 00:20:21,153 --> 00:20:22,589 Get the hell off my deck. 473 00:20:22,655 --> 00:20:24,524 Come on, lamb chop, let's go home. 474 00:20:24,591 --> 00:20:25,758 Hold on. 475 00:20:25,825 --> 00:20:29,296 Climbing over the rail is ridiculous and juvenile. 476 00:20:29,362 --> 00:20:30,530 From now on, 477 00:20:30,597 --> 00:20:32,565 I want to take the stairs. 478 00:20:32,632 --> 00:20:35,702 Do you like having sex with me, Gordon? 479 00:20:35,768 --> 00:20:37,370 Call me crazy. 480 00:20:40,940 --> 00:20:42,875 ( clapping ) 481 00:20:42,942 --> 00:20:48,348 And the real winner tonight is Charlie Harper, 482 00:20:48,415 --> 00:20:49,882 a man with a heart so big 483 00:20:49,949 --> 00:20:52,051 that he'd step outside of his own misery 484 00:20:52,118 --> 00:20:53,386 to help two people in need. 485 00:20:53,453 --> 00:20:54,654 Alan, I'm warning you. 486 00:20:54,721 --> 00:20:56,188 Now, I know you don't want to hear this, 487 00:20:56,255 --> 00:20:57,790 but let me tell you something. 488 00:20:57,857 --> 00:21:01,260 The Archie Baldwins of this world are soon forgotten. 489 00:21:01,328 --> 00:21:05,498 It's people like you, people who are selfless and generous, 490 00:21:05,565 --> 00:21:06,866 who will live on forever. 491 00:21:06,933 --> 00:21:09,869 Last chance. 492 00:21:09,936 --> 00:21:10,837 Oh, please. 493 00:21:10,903 --> 00:21:12,839 That Grumpy Gus routine is not... 494 00:21:12,905 --> 00:21:14,273 Good night.