1 00:00:06,807 --> 00:00:07,775 Morning. 2 00:00:07,841 --> 00:00:09,210 Morning. 3 00:00:26,094 --> 00:00:27,895 What are you making? 4 00:00:27,961 --> 00:00:29,463 Breakfast. 5 00:00:29,530 --> 00:00:32,666 Have you considered orange juice and a piece of toast? 6 00:00:32,733 --> 00:00:34,402 It's in there. 7 00:00:36,104 --> 00:00:37,505 We got any marshmallows? 8 00:00:37,571 --> 00:00:41,409 And he wonders why he gets diarrhea. 9 00:00:42,943 --> 00:00:45,679 ( blender whirring, liquid sloshing ) 10 00:00:45,746 --> 00:00:48,216 Oh, man. 11 00:00:50,318 --> 00:00:52,886 You forget to put the lid on again? 12 00:00:52,953 --> 00:00:55,556 Maybe. 13 00:00:56,224 --> 00:00:57,858 Well, clean it up. 14 00:00:57,925 --> 00:00:59,693 Okay. 15 00:01:01,529 --> 00:01:03,231 Is Jake up yet? 16 00:01:03,297 --> 00:01:05,099 He's in the kitchen. 17 00:01:05,166 --> 00:01:06,234 Has he been looking for me? 18 00:01:06,300 --> 00:01:09,237 Are you a marshmallow? 19 00:01:10,138 --> 00:01:11,272 What? 20 00:01:11,339 --> 00:01:13,006 He hasn't been looking for you. 21 00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:14,242 Oh, good. 22 00:01:14,308 --> 00:01:15,243 Sorry, I'm late, 23 00:01:15,309 --> 00:01:17,077 but Kandi and I had morning sex. 24 00:01:17,145 --> 00:01:18,379 Good for you. 25 00:01:18,446 --> 00:01:20,013 Twice. 26 00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:21,215 Congratulations. 27 00:01:21,282 --> 00:01:25,219 She didn't even wake me up for the first one. 28 00:01:25,286 --> 00:01:26,454 I almost missed it. 29 00:01:26,520 --> 00:01:28,789 Well, I've always said a 22-year-old girl 30 00:01:28,856 --> 00:01:33,127 is like a good carpenter: no wood gets wasted. 31 00:01:35,496 --> 00:01:40,134 Well, I wouldn't put it so crudely, but, yeah. 32 00:01:45,706 --> 00:01:48,276 ( yawning ) 33 00:01:48,342 --> 00:01:49,543 Morning, buddy. 34 00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:51,479 Morning. 35 00:01:55,183 --> 00:01:56,917 Why do you let him use the blender? 36 00:01:56,984 --> 00:02:01,322 I'm hoping he'll eventually stumble into a margarita. 37 00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:04,425 Hey, here's a fun fact. 38 00:02:04,492 --> 00:02:05,559 You're sleeping with a girl 39 00:02:05,626 --> 00:02:08,462 who was born when you were in junior high. 40 00:02:08,529 --> 00:02:09,497 And yet there's a good chance 41 00:02:09,563 --> 00:02:11,765 she lost her virginity before you did. 42 00:02:16,570 --> 00:02:18,071 And here's another fun fact. 43 00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:22,142 I'll bet she's had sex with more girls than you, too. 44 00:02:27,815 --> 00:02:29,683 That is a fun fact. 45 00:02:30,818 --> 00:02:31,652 And you know what else? 46 00:02:31,719 --> 00:02:34,288 Here youth is-is like an aphrodisiac. 47 00:02:34,355 --> 00:02:35,623 I feel younger. 48 00:02:35,689 --> 00:02:38,826 I feel more... oh, I don't know how to describe it. 49 00:02:38,892 --> 00:02:41,161 ( laughs ) Manly. 50 00:02:41,229 --> 00:02:42,630 I know what you mean. 51 00:02:42,696 --> 00:02:45,065 And I am performing at what can only be described 52 00:02:45,132 --> 00:02:47,134 as a very enhanced level. 53 00:02:47,201 --> 00:02:48,802 Right. You know, 54 00:02:48,869 --> 00:02:50,070 between-the-sheets-wise. 55 00:02:50,137 --> 00:02:51,839 You don't have to tell me. 56 00:02:51,905 --> 00:02:52,906 Yes, I do. 57 00:02:54,242 --> 00:02:56,610 I have to tell everybody. 58 00:02:56,677 --> 00:02:59,247 Hey, I'm just impressed that you can keep up with her. 59 00:02:59,313 --> 00:03:00,914 I thought by now, she'd have worn you down 60 00:03:00,981 --> 00:03:03,751 into a few vertebrae and pool of spinal fluid. 61 00:03:03,817 --> 00:03:06,019 You know, I exercise, I eat right... 62 00:03:06,086 --> 00:03:07,555 ( doorbell rings ) 63 00:03:07,621 --> 00:03:09,957 And of course, I've always had a vast untapped reservoir 64 00:03:10,023 --> 00:03:13,594 of sexual energy bubbling under the surface. 65 00:03:13,661 --> 00:03:18,198 Truth be told, you could drill anywhere and hit a gusher. 66 00:03:19,166 --> 00:03:20,434 Morning, brother. 67 00:03:20,501 --> 00:03:22,102 We're here to tell you about the good news. 68 00:03:22,169 --> 00:03:24,505 Yeah, okay, but, my news first. 69 00:03:24,572 --> 00:03:27,207 See, I'm dating a 22-year-old woman... 70 00:03:27,275 --> 00:03:30,444 incredible. 71 00:03:30,511 --> 00:03:33,046 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 72 00:03:33,113 --> 00:03:36,584 *Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * *Ooh 73 00:03:36,650 --> 00:03:39,520 *Men, men, men, men, manly men * *Ooh *Ooh 74 00:03:39,587 --> 00:03:41,622 * Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... * 75 00:03:41,689 --> 00:03:44,024 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 76 00:03:44,091 --> 00:03:47,528 *Ooh *Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 77 00:03:47,595 --> 00:03:52,666 *Ah. *Men. *Men. 78 00:03:58,839 --> 00:04:00,974 Hey, Charlie. Hey, Rose, what's up? 79 00:04:01,041 --> 00:04:03,877 I was just takin' a walk on the beach with my boyfriend, 80 00:04:03,944 --> 00:04:05,313 and we thought we'd stop by. 81 00:04:05,379 --> 00:04:07,247 Come on up, lamb chop. 82 00:04:08,282 --> 00:04:10,751 ( grunting ): This is ridiculous. 83 00:04:10,818 --> 00:04:14,388 I still don't understand why we can't use the stairs over there. 84 00:04:14,455 --> 00:04:17,591 Don't try to change me, Gordon. 85 00:04:17,658 --> 00:04:20,361 So, how's it goin' with you two? 86 00:04:20,428 --> 00:04:22,162 It's just great. 87 00:04:22,229 --> 00:04:23,631 Gordon's my soul mate. 88 00:04:23,697 --> 00:04:25,132 He completes me. 89 00:04:25,198 --> 00:04:26,567 We're inseparable. 90 00:04:26,634 --> 00:04:27,435 Yeah. 91 00:04:27,501 --> 00:04:30,270 Wait here. I want to talk to Charlie alone. 92 00:04:30,338 --> 00:04:32,205 Charlie. 93 00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:34,442 Coming. 94 00:04:36,344 --> 00:04:37,445 "Lamb chop"? 95 00:04:37,511 --> 00:04:39,680 I'm hot and juicy. 96 00:04:45,853 --> 00:04:47,120 What's up? 97 00:04:47,187 --> 00:04:49,590 Don't play innocent with me. 98 00:04:49,657 --> 00:04:52,259 I can see the hurt in your eyes. 99 00:04:52,326 --> 00:04:53,694 What? 100 00:04:53,761 --> 00:04:56,330 You have to let me go, Charlie. 101 00:04:56,397 --> 00:04:58,332 Okay. 102 00:04:58,399 --> 00:05:00,634 I'm with Gordon now. 103 00:05:00,701 --> 00:05:01,869 I've moved on. 104 00:05:01,935 --> 00:05:02,870 Good. 105 00:05:02,936 --> 00:05:05,639 And I know it may be hard for you to hear this, 106 00:05:05,706 --> 00:05:09,610 but he satisfies all my needs. 107 00:05:13,280 --> 00:05:16,417 Well, he is hot and juicy. 108 00:05:16,484 --> 00:05:18,452 Oh, Charlie, 109 00:05:18,519 --> 00:05:21,389 I can't bear to see you like this. 110 00:05:21,455 --> 00:05:22,322 Like what? 111 00:05:22,390 --> 00:05:25,559 I know I shouldn't, but... 112 00:05:25,626 --> 00:05:28,095 I'm going to give you one last chance. 113 00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:30,263 One last chance for what? 114 00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:33,667 You're going to make me say it, aren't you? 115 00:05:33,734 --> 00:05:36,737 Say what? 116 00:05:36,804 --> 00:05:38,972 Listen closely. 117 00:05:39,940 --> 00:05:41,409 Once I go, I'm gone. 118 00:05:41,475 --> 00:05:45,379 Really? I've never seen that side of you. 119 00:05:45,446 --> 00:05:48,949 I've never had a man like Gordon. 120 00:05:54,221 --> 00:05:56,023 I believe you. 121 00:05:56,089 --> 00:05:57,858 So? 122 00:05:57,925 --> 00:06:00,227 So, what? 123 00:06:00,293 --> 00:06:01,829 Who's that? 124 00:06:03,263 --> 00:06:05,132 That's Gordon, my boyfriend. 125 00:06:05,198 --> 00:06:07,568 How come he's not allowed in? 126 00:06:07,635 --> 00:06:10,237 I'm trying to avoid an awkward situation. 127 00:06:10,303 --> 00:06:11,905 Too late. 128 00:06:11,972 --> 00:06:14,341 You bringing him to my birthday party? 129 00:06:14,408 --> 00:06:16,444 Oh, what do you think, Charlie? 130 00:06:16,510 --> 00:06:18,446 Is the wound too fresh? 131 00:06:18,512 --> 00:06:22,282 I think I can handle it. 132 00:06:22,349 --> 00:06:23,884 Cool. 133 00:06:25,218 --> 00:06:27,888 Okay, I'm going to go now. 134 00:06:27,955 --> 00:06:28,489 All right. 135 00:06:28,556 --> 00:06:30,524 But before I do, 136 00:06:30,591 --> 00:06:33,594 I think we need to decide just where we stand. 137 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:42,135 You're kidding. 138 00:06:42,202 --> 00:06:43,370 Rose has a boyfriend? 139 00:06:43,437 --> 00:06:44,505 Yep. 140 00:06:44,572 --> 00:06:47,207 A real one or like "Toby the astronaut"? 141 00:06:47,274 --> 00:06:49,443 No, this one's real. 142 00:06:49,510 --> 00:06:50,343 What's he like? 143 00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:51,612 Nice guy. 144 00:06:51,679 --> 00:06:55,415 Has no idea how close he is to the wood chipper. 145 00:06:55,483 --> 00:06:57,485 KANDI: Hello? 146 00:06:57,551 --> 00:06:59,052 Alan, you home? 147 00:06:59,119 --> 00:06:59,953 Kandi? 148 00:07:00,020 --> 00:07:01,288 What are you doing here? 149 00:07:01,354 --> 00:07:04,558 KANDI: I thought I'd surprise you with a booty call. 150 00:07:04,625 --> 00:07:05,559 ALAN: Shh! 151 00:07:05,626 --> 00:07:06,794 Lower your voice. 152 00:07:06,860 --> 00:07:09,429 KANDI ( deep voice ): Booty call. 153 00:07:09,497 --> 00:07:11,632 What's a booty call? 154 00:07:11,699 --> 00:07:15,703 Well, it's... 155 00:07:15,769 --> 00:07:17,905 You know, this is more the kind of thing 156 00:07:17,971 --> 00:07:20,774 a-a son should learn from his father. 157 00:07:20,841 --> 00:07:22,576 Oh, okay. 158 00:07:22,643 --> 00:07:25,813 Maybe you should ask him now. 159 00:07:25,879 --> 00:07:27,981 All right. 160 00:07:28,048 --> 00:07:30,851 I'm going to hell. 161 00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:34,254 Look, it's a really sweet gesture, 162 00:07:34,321 --> 00:07:35,823 but this is not a great time. 163 00:07:35,889 --> 00:07:37,691 Hey, Dad, what's a booty call? 164 00:07:37,758 --> 00:07:39,292 Oh, oh, hey, Jake. 165 00:07:39,359 --> 00:07:40,160 You, uh, 166 00:07:40,227 --> 00:07:41,529 you remember Kandi. 167 00:07:41,595 --> 00:07:42,996 Sure. Hi, Kandi. Hi. 168 00:07:43,063 --> 00:07:44,898 So, what's a booty call? 169 00:07:48,301 --> 00:07:51,371 I figured you didn't want me telling him. 170 00:07:51,438 --> 00:07:53,473 Was I wrong? 171 00:07:57,177 --> 00:07:58,812 Uh, uh... 172 00:07:58,879 --> 00:08:02,883 uh, well, uh, Jake, it-it means, uh, that... 173 00:08:02,950 --> 00:08:06,186 uh, that Kandi came by to-to, uh, 174 00:08:06,253 --> 00:08:08,922 to do her laundry. 175 00:08:10,791 --> 00:08:13,827 I don't see any laundry. 176 00:08:15,362 --> 00:08:19,099 Good-good point, Charlie. 177 00:08:19,166 --> 00:08:23,170 Always the eye for detail. 178 00:08:25,072 --> 00:08:30,544 Uh... well, uh, you see, Jake, um... 179 00:08:31,679 --> 00:08:33,981 in the Old West... 180 00:08:34,047 --> 00:08:37,585 uh, uh, cowboys could be out on the dusty range 181 00:08:37,651 --> 00:08:40,287 uh, uh, for months at a time, 182 00:08:40,353 --> 00:08:42,756 and, uh, they'd get mighty dirty. 183 00:08:42,823 --> 00:08:46,960 Um, so, they'd, uh, they'd, uh, mosey into town, 184 00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:49,630 uh, with nothing but the clothes on their backs, 185 00:08:49,697 --> 00:08:52,365 and they'd need to-to wash 'em. 186 00:08:52,432 --> 00:08:54,101 So what they'd do is, 187 00:08:54,167 --> 00:09:00,240 uh, they-they would go down to the-the... crick, 188 00:09:00,307 --> 00:09:02,142 uh, and strip down 189 00:09:02,209 --> 00:09:05,813 until they were wearing nothing but their boots. 190 00:09:07,247 --> 00:09:10,918 Why'd they keep their boots on? 191 00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:19,059 Rattlesnakes. 192 00:09:19,126 --> 00:09:24,564 Uh, anyway, um, in order to warn people who were swimming 193 00:09:24,632 --> 00:09:28,568 that, you know, the naked cowboy on his way, 194 00:09:28,636 --> 00:09:30,604 he would yell or, uh, 195 00:09:30,671 --> 00:09:33,540 or, if you will, call, um... 196 00:09:33,607 --> 00:09:35,943 "Booty." 197 00:09:37,611 --> 00:09:40,113 "Booty." 198 00:09:41,615 --> 00:09:43,751 Ergo, the booty call. 199 00:09:43,817 --> 00:09:47,821 Wow, Alan, you really make history fun. 200 00:09:48,722 --> 00:09:50,457 Well, thank you. 201 00:09:50,523 --> 00:09:54,327 So when did it start meaning casual sex? 202 00:09:57,798 --> 00:10:01,635 Um, why don't you go play a video game or something? 203 00:10:01,702 --> 00:10:03,470 Okay. Great. 204 00:10:03,536 --> 00:10:06,707 Hey, Kandi, you wanna come to my birthday party tomorrow? 205 00:10:06,774 --> 00:10:08,208 Sure. How old are you going to be? 206 00:10:08,275 --> 00:10:11,044 Twelve. ( gasps ): Happy bar mitzvah. 207 00:10:13,747 --> 00:10:15,515 Well, this works out well. 208 00:10:15,582 --> 00:10:19,086 When you're not boinkin' her, she's got someone to play with. 209 00:10:20,721 --> 00:10:21,822 Charlie, weren't you listening? 210 00:10:21,889 --> 00:10:24,725 Jake just invited Kandi to his birthday party. 211 00:10:24,792 --> 00:10:25,959 Oh, don't worry. 212 00:10:26,026 --> 00:10:27,627 You've still got the inside track. 213 00:10:27,695 --> 00:10:29,830 No! 214 00:10:29,897 --> 00:10:32,065 I can't let her come to the party. 215 00:10:32,132 --> 00:10:33,033 Why not? 216 00:10:33,100 --> 00:10:33,934 "Why not?"! 217 00:10:34,001 --> 00:10:36,503 My ex-wife is going to be there, 218 00:10:36,569 --> 00:10:37,805 all her miserable, middle-aged 219 00:10:37,871 --> 00:10:39,707 soccer mom friends are gonna be there. 220 00:10:39,773 --> 00:10:42,009 They're going to take one look at Kandi's 221 00:10:42,075 --> 00:10:43,076 tight, young, little body, 222 00:10:43,143 --> 00:10:44,712 and they're going to hate me. 223 00:10:44,778 --> 00:10:48,215 They're going to hate me with a white-hot hatred 224 00:10:48,281 --> 00:10:51,985 of burning... hate. 225 00:10:52,052 --> 00:10:55,355 Yeah, sure, it'll be a little tense at first, 226 00:10:55,422 --> 00:10:58,759 but you can lighten the mood with your booty story. 227 00:10:59,960 --> 00:11:02,229 That's powerful funny, pardner. 228 00:11:02,295 --> 00:11:04,765 ( feigns laughter ) Shut up. 229 00:11:08,335 --> 00:11:09,236 Alan. 230 00:11:09,302 --> 00:11:10,971 There comes a time in every man's life 231 00:11:11,038 --> 00:11:12,439 when he has to make a choice: 232 00:11:12,505 --> 00:11:15,142 does he want to be loved or does he want to get laid? 233 00:11:15,208 --> 00:11:18,145 14 years ago, you made the wrong choice. 234 00:11:19,312 --> 00:11:21,381 You got married. 235 00:11:21,448 --> 00:11:23,416 And you wound up with neither. 236 00:11:24,818 --> 00:11:28,288 But now, now fate has given you another chance. 237 00:11:28,355 --> 00:11:29,289 Welcome it. 238 00:11:29,356 --> 00:11:30,623 Embrace it. 239 00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:33,761 Grab its pert little ass. 240 00:11:33,827 --> 00:11:35,028 What am I supposed to do? 241 00:11:35,095 --> 00:11:36,830 Walk into my son's birthday and say, 242 00:11:36,897 --> 00:11:39,366 "Hey, everybody, look at this gorgeous 22 year-old woman 243 00:11:39,432 --> 00:11:40,433 I'm having sex with"? 244 00:11:40,500 --> 00:11:42,202 Oh, don't be silly. 245 00:11:42,269 --> 00:11:44,071 You don't want to rub their faces in it, 246 00:11:44,137 --> 00:11:46,740 you just want them to know where yours has been. 247 00:11:51,111 --> 00:11:52,412 Oh, yeah, one more thing. 248 00:11:52,479 --> 00:11:53,413 Yeah? 249 00:11:53,480 --> 00:11:57,084 Booty! Booty! 250 00:12:06,126 --> 00:12:07,460 ( whispering ): Uncle Charlie? 251 00:12:11,631 --> 00:12:14,567 Uncle Charlie, you awake? 252 00:12:14,634 --> 00:12:15,903 Go away. 253 00:12:15,969 --> 00:12:17,537 Don't you want to be the first one 254 00:12:17,604 --> 00:12:19,406 to wish me a happy birthday? 255 00:12:19,472 --> 00:12:20,640 Jake, I swear to God... 256 00:12:20,707 --> 00:12:22,642 Wait, not yet. 257 00:12:22,709 --> 00:12:26,646 Five, four, three, two, one. 258 00:12:26,713 --> 00:12:27,614 Okay, now. 259 00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:30,517 Get out. 260 00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:33,921 You can give me your present now if you want to. 261 00:12:33,987 --> 00:12:35,789 If you leave immediately, 262 00:12:35,856 --> 00:12:37,825 I'll give you the gift of life. 263 00:12:37,891 --> 00:12:40,327 All right. 264 00:12:40,393 --> 00:12:42,695 Hey, how come Dad's not in his room? 265 00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:44,731 He's out with Kandi. 266 00:12:44,798 --> 00:12:45,765 When's he coming home? 267 00:12:45,833 --> 00:12:47,300 Not for a while. 268 00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:49,937 Why doesn't he just have sex with her here? 269 00:12:52,139 --> 00:12:54,041 What makes you think he's having sex with her? 270 00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:57,310 I don't know, common sense? 271 00:12:58,946 --> 00:13:00,613 Look, the thing is, 272 00:13:00,680 --> 00:13:03,817 he's embarrassed about having that kind of a relationship 273 00:13:03,884 --> 00:13:06,053 with somebody so much younger than him. 274 00:13:06,119 --> 00:13:07,087 Why? 275 00:13:07,154 --> 00:13:08,956 I don't know, maybe he thinks 276 00:13:09,022 --> 00:13:10,590 he's setting a bad example for you. 277 00:13:10,657 --> 00:13:14,761 What am I going to do? Start dating a six year-old? 278 00:13:14,828 --> 00:13:16,796 Go back to sleep. 279 00:13:16,864 --> 00:13:18,265 I can't, I'm too excited. 280 00:13:18,331 --> 00:13:20,934 Well, do you mind if I go back to sleep? 281 00:13:21,001 --> 00:13:23,070 Okay. I'll find something to do. 282 00:13:23,136 --> 00:13:24,972 Great. 283 00:13:25,038 --> 00:13:26,239 Maybe I'll try to make a pizza. 284 00:13:26,306 --> 00:13:27,440 Good for you. 285 00:13:29,977 --> 00:13:31,311 Oh, crap. 286 00:13:48,461 --> 00:13:49,997 WOMAN: Pierre? 287 00:13:50,063 --> 00:13:51,464 Have you seen Pierre? 288 00:13:51,531 --> 00:13:54,234 Is Pierre a cat? 289 00:13:54,301 --> 00:13:55,268 Yeah. 290 00:13:55,335 --> 00:13:56,336 Bathroom. 291 00:13:56,403 --> 00:13:57,437 Thanks. 292 00:13:57,504 --> 00:13:58,438 Excuse me. 293 00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:02,609 Hey. 294 00:14:02,675 --> 00:14:03,743 Hey. 295 00:14:03,810 --> 00:14:05,178 Oh, God! 296 00:14:11,684 --> 00:14:13,420 Just a little quicker. 297 00:14:17,757 --> 00:14:20,894 ( TV cartoons playing ) 298 00:14:32,739 --> 00:14:35,575 Hey, I'm watching that! 299 00:14:36,576 --> 00:14:37,344 Yeah, right. 300 00:14:37,410 --> 00:14:39,379 Happy birthday, you big dope. 301 00:14:40,914 --> 00:14:42,315 Why am I a big dope? 302 00:14:42,382 --> 00:14:44,084 When did you finally fall asleep? 303 00:14:44,151 --> 00:14:47,587 How could I possibly know that? 304 00:14:47,654 --> 00:14:50,357 And now you got a party starting in a couple hours 305 00:14:50,423 --> 00:14:51,591 and you feel like hell, right? 306 00:14:51,658 --> 00:14:52,859 Yeah. 307 00:14:52,926 --> 00:14:55,895 Happy birthday, you big dope. 308 00:14:55,963 --> 00:14:58,765 Hey, am I old enough to have coffee now? 309 00:14:58,831 --> 00:15:01,401 You still think armpit farts are funny? 310 00:15:02,435 --> 00:15:03,736 Yeah. 311 00:15:03,803 --> 00:15:05,538 Then, no. 312 00:15:05,605 --> 00:15:08,108 Come on, I could really use a pick-me-up. 313 00:15:08,175 --> 00:15:10,043 Okay, how do you want it? 314 00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:12,545 I don't know, in a cup? 315 00:15:17,750 --> 00:15:19,086 Good choice. 316 00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:29,129 Feel better? 317 00:15:29,196 --> 00:15:31,464 Yeah, I think it's working. 318 00:15:36,036 --> 00:15:37,837 You know, Kandi, you don't have to feel obligated 319 00:15:37,904 --> 00:15:39,372 to go to this party. 320 00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:41,074 It's just going to be a lot of kids 321 00:15:41,141 --> 00:15:42,375 playing silly games. 322 00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:44,144 Are there going to be balloon animals? 323 00:15:44,211 --> 00:15:46,846 'Cause I love those! 324 00:15:46,913 --> 00:15:48,315 Uh... no, uh... 325 00:15:48,381 --> 00:15:49,749 Jake's a little old for that. 326 00:15:49,816 --> 00:15:50,683 Balloon animals are 327 00:15:50,750 --> 00:15:54,988 a very underappreciated art form, Alan. 328 00:15:56,656 --> 00:15:59,759 Just give me a minute to get ready. 329 00:15:59,826 --> 00:16:01,128 Okay. 330 00:16:01,194 --> 00:16:02,629 You know... 331 00:16:02,695 --> 00:16:06,299 it's probably going to be a very, very dull party. 332 00:16:06,366 --> 00:16:10,003 I wouldn't be going myself if I weren't related to the kid. 333 00:16:10,070 --> 00:16:12,439 And without balloon animals, 334 00:16:12,505 --> 00:16:15,975 you got to ask yourself, is it really worth the trip? 335 00:16:16,043 --> 00:16:17,844 How do I look? 336 00:16:17,910 --> 00:16:19,679 ( gagging ) 337 00:16:21,481 --> 00:16:24,417 I-I'm sorry, I think I swallowed my tongue. 338 00:16:24,484 --> 00:16:25,785 Thank you. 339 00:16:25,852 --> 00:16:29,889 It's amazing-- my ex-wife would take hours getting ready, 340 00:16:29,956 --> 00:16:33,360 and the end result wouldn't be nearly so... 341 00:16:33,426 --> 00:16:34,594 this. 342 00:16:34,661 --> 00:16:39,266 Well, maybe I can give her a few tips at the party. 343 00:16:41,501 --> 00:16:43,803 Oh, gee. 344 00:16:43,870 --> 00:16:45,872 She doesn't respond well to tips. 345 00:16:45,938 --> 00:16:47,074 Okay. 346 00:16:47,140 --> 00:16:49,042 Anything else? 347 00:16:49,109 --> 00:16:50,443 Well... 348 00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:52,579 even before I say it, I know it sounds insane, 349 00:16:52,645 --> 00:16:56,616 but do you think you could put on a few more clothes? 350 00:16:57,750 --> 00:16:59,018 Don't I look okay? 351 00:16:59,086 --> 00:17:01,921 Oh, yeah, yeah, you look terrific. 352 00:17:01,988 --> 00:17:03,090 It's just... 353 00:17:03,156 --> 00:17:05,558 I wouldn't want people to get the wrong idea. 354 00:17:05,625 --> 00:17:06,626 About? 355 00:17:06,693 --> 00:17:08,761 About... 356 00:17:10,363 --> 00:17:13,200 Maybe if you could put on a jacket and a hat. 357 00:17:14,601 --> 00:17:16,669 Do you have a poncho? 358 00:17:16,736 --> 00:17:18,305 Are you ashamed of me? 359 00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:19,639 No. No, I'm proud of you. 360 00:17:19,706 --> 00:17:22,242 In fact, I'm so proud that yesterday I almost signed up 361 00:17:22,309 --> 00:17:23,943 to be a Christian missionary in the Sudan. 362 00:17:24,010 --> 00:17:27,247 But you don't want your family and friends to see me. 363 00:17:27,314 --> 00:17:29,149 Oh, good, you understand. 364 00:17:29,216 --> 00:17:32,452 You know, Alan, my friends are judgmental, too. 365 00:17:32,519 --> 00:17:33,186 About what? 366 00:17:33,253 --> 00:17:34,287 About you. 367 00:17:34,354 --> 00:17:36,423 None of them get why I'm with you. 368 00:17:37,624 --> 00:17:40,193 Well, uh... 369 00:17:40,260 --> 00:17:41,961 at the risk of shining a light 370 00:17:42,028 --> 00:17:46,766 on something better left unexamined... 371 00:17:46,833 --> 00:17:47,567 why are you with me? 372 00:17:47,634 --> 00:17:49,836 Because you're cute and smart 373 00:17:49,902 --> 00:17:51,804 and really, really grateful. 374 00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:55,142 All true. 375 00:17:55,208 --> 00:17:57,310 And if my friends can't understand that, 376 00:17:57,377 --> 00:17:59,646 well then, tough tomatoes. 377 00:18:01,614 --> 00:18:02,815 Kandi, you're a remarkable girl. 378 00:18:02,882 --> 00:18:04,784 Thank you. 379 00:18:04,851 --> 00:18:08,388 Unfortunately, so am I. 380 00:18:08,455 --> 00:18:12,359 Oh, come on, it'll be fun. 381 00:18:12,425 --> 00:18:14,461 Want to have a quickie in the car? 382 00:18:14,527 --> 00:18:15,795 ( sighs ) 383 00:18:15,862 --> 00:18:16,796 Well, all right. 384 00:18:16,863 --> 00:18:20,667 But this time let's pull over first. 385 00:18:20,733 --> 00:18:22,101 Boring! 386 00:18:24,137 --> 00:18:25,438 So where's Alan? 387 00:18:25,505 --> 00:18:27,207 He's supposed to be pitching in at this party. 388 00:18:27,274 --> 00:18:28,575 I don't know, but I'm guessing 389 00:18:28,641 --> 00:18:31,278 that wherever he is... he's pitching. 390 00:18:32,579 --> 00:18:34,447 So I suppose Charlie hasn't told you 391 00:18:34,514 --> 00:18:36,783 that I have a new man in my life. 392 00:18:36,849 --> 00:18:38,885 Oh, good for you, dear. 393 00:18:38,951 --> 00:18:40,153 Does the man know yet? 394 00:18:41,221 --> 00:18:43,223 Get your own, Red! 395 00:18:48,961 --> 00:18:49,929 Nice outfit. 396 00:18:49,996 --> 00:18:51,030 Thanks. 397 00:18:51,097 --> 00:18:52,765 Rose picked it out for me. 398 00:18:52,832 --> 00:18:55,202 How about that. 399 00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:02,609 Do you know, uh... 400 00:19:02,675 --> 00:19:04,177 sometimes when we're having sex, 401 00:19:04,244 --> 00:19:05,111 she calls out your name. 402 00:19:05,178 --> 00:19:07,214 No kidding. 403 00:19:07,280 --> 00:19:08,315 What about the other times? 404 00:19:08,381 --> 00:19:10,817 She makes me call it out. 405 00:19:13,920 --> 00:19:17,023 Boy... that really wasn't a quickie, was it? 406 00:19:17,089 --> 00:19:18,991 The first one was. 407 00:19:19,058 --> 00:19:22,295 Anyway, so just to reiterate, 408 00:19:22,362 --> 00:19:24,197 today is Jake's day, it's not about us. 409 00:19:24,264 --> 00:19:25,265 I know. 410 00:19:25,332 --> 00:19:27,367 So maybe you can just relax, 411 00:19:27,434 --> 00:19:28,335 and don't feel obligated 412 00:19:28,401 --> 00:19:30,637 to, you know, socialize or... 413 00:19:30,703 --> 00:19:31,304 talk to anybody. 414 00:19:31,371 --> 00:19:32,472 Don't worry, Alan, 415 00:19:32,539 --> 00:19:33,740 I'm not going to embarrass you. 416 00:19:33,806 --> 00:19:35,608 Right, right, I know you won't. 417 00:19:35,675 --> 00:19:38,811 So, to summarize what I reiterated, 418 00:19:38,878 --> 00:19:40,380 we're just going to play it cool, low key, 419 00:19:40,447 --> 00:19:41,481 nothing to be gained 420 00:19:41,548 --> 00:19:42,915 by drawing attention to ourselves. 421 00:19:42,982 --> 00:19:44,317 I got it. 422 00:19:45,518 --> 00:19:47,854 Don't ring the doorbell! 423 00:19:58,164 --> 00:20:02,134 Sorry we're late, but... 424 00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:03,202 I was having sex 425 00:20:03,270 --> 00:20:05,838 with this gorgeous 22-year-old woman! 426 00:20:06,906 --> 00:20:08,375 Wait, wait, wait. 427 00:20:09,809 --> 00:20:10,577 Okay. 428 00:20:10,643 --> 00:20:12,545 Come in and say that again. 429 00:20:16,816 --> 00:20:17,650 Jake, you in here? 430 00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:19,719 It's time to do the birthday cake. 431 00:20:19,786 --> 00:20:20,987 JAKE: Go away. 432 00:20:21,053 --> 00:20:22,088 Did you find him? 433 00:20:22,154 --> 00:20:23,890 Yeah, he's in the bathroom. 434 00:20:23,956 --> 00:20:24,757 Is he okay? 435 00:20:24,824 --> 00:20:25,925 I don't know. 436 00:20:25,992 --> 00:20:27,560 Jake, are you okay? 437 00:20:27,627 --> 00:20:28,861 JAKE: I'm fine, go away! 438 00:20:28,928 --> 00:20:30,263 He's probably humiliated 439 00:20:30,330 --> 00:20:33,065 because his father's dating a Campfire Girl. 440 00:20:33,132 --> 00:20:33,900 Give it a rest, Judith. 441 00:20:33,966 --> 00:20:35,167 What's going on? 442 00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:36,603 Jake won't come out of the bathroom. 443 00:20:36,669 --> 00:20:38,505 Jake, come on out, honey. 444 00:20:38,571 --> 00:20:39,238 I can't. 445 00:20:39,306 --> 00:20:39,972 Why not? 446 00:20:40,039 --> 00:20:41,374 JAKE: I just can't. 447 00:20:41,441 --> 00:20:43,743 I was wondering where everyone snuck off to. 448 00:20:43,810 --> 00:20:44,811 Whatever you're saying about me, 449 00:20:44,877 --> 00:20:46,879 you can say right to my face. 450 00:20:46,946 --> 00:20:47,980 This isn't about you, Mom. 451 00:20:48,047 --> 00:20:49,115 ( scoffs ) 452 00:20:49,181 --> 00:20:50,750 I wish I could believe that. 453 00:20:50,817 --> 00:20:51,684 What's the holdup? 454 00:20:51,751 --> 00:20:53,453 He won't come out of the bathroom. 455 00:20:53,520 --> 00:20:55,922 Is he sick? Who won't come out of the bathroom? 456 00:20:55,988 --> 00:20:57,056 Your grandson. 457 00:20:57,123 --> 00:20:59,392 Why? Is he mad at me? 458 00:20:59,459 --> 00:21:01,294 Jake, honey, what have you had to eat today? 459 00:21:01,361 --> 00:21:03,195 JAKE: Just a little coffee and some vitamins. 460 00:21:03,262 --> 00:21:05,064 Coffee? You let him have coffee? 461 00:21:05,131 --> 00:21:07,066 No! You let him have coffee? 462 00:21:07,133 --> 00:21:08,234 He had a sip. 463 00:21:08,301 --> 00:21:09,336 Well, wait a second. 464 00:21:09,402 --> 00:21:10,837 Why did he take vitamins? 465 00:21:10,903 --> 00:21:11,871 JAKE: I was tired. 466 00:21:11,938 --> 00:21:15,007 Okay, but where did you find vitamins to take? 467 00:21:15,074 --> 00:21:16,809 In your medicine cabinet. 468 00:21:16,876 --> 00:21:18,978 I don't have any vitamins in my medicine cabinet. 469 00:21:19,045 --> 00:21:20,179 Yeah, you do. 470 00:21:20,246 --> 00:21:22,515 The little blue ones with a "V" on them. 471 00:21:24,317 --> 00:21:26,085 Ooh... 472 00:21:26,152 --> 00:21:27,820 What's going on? I don't understand. 473 00:21:27,887 --> 00:21:30,957 The kid's going to need another party hat.