1 00:00:01,469 --> 00:00:03,604 Hey, you know what I've been thinking about? 2 00:00:03,671 --> 00:00:04,605 What? 3 00:00:04,672 --> 00:00:06,674 The death penalty. 4 00:00:06,740 --> 00:00:07,841 Really? 5 00:00:07,908 --> 00:00:10,878 That's a very complex issue. 6 00:00:10,944 --> 00:00:12,413 So what are your thoughts? 7 00:00:12,480 --> 00:00:14,682 Well, if you're going to the chair, they got to give you 8 00:00:14,748 --> 00:00:16,950 whatever you want for your last meal, right? 9 00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:18,919 I guess. 10 00:00:18,986 --> 00:00:20,988 I'm gonna order cereal. 11 00:00:21,055 --> 00:00:22,590 Why? 12 00:00:22,656 --> 00:00:26,060 'Cause if you keep adding milk, you can make it last forever. 13 00:00:27,361 --> 00:00:30,664 And they just got to wait. 14 00:00:30,731 --> 00:00:31,199 Okay. 15 00:00:31,265 --> 00:00:32,733 Let's go back a bit. 16 00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:35,803 Why would you be going to the chair in the first place? 17 00:00:35,869 --> 00:00:37,071 I don't know. 18 00:00:37,138 --> 00:00:40,274 My DNA shows up at a murder scene. 19 00:00:40,341 --> 00:00:42,076 Because it's planted by a crooked cop 20 00:00:42,143 --> 00:00:44,378 or maybe one of my teachers. 21 00:00:44,445 --> 00:00:46,647 So you'd be wrongly accused. 22 00:00:46,714 --> 00:00:49,583 Story of my life, Dad. 23 00:00:49,650 --> 00:00:52,820 Remember that water pistol incident at school? 24 00:00:52,886 --> 00:00:54,722 But that was your water pistol. 25 00:00:54,788 --> 00:00:58,126 Yes, but it wasn't my pee. 26 00:01:00,161 --> 00:01:01,162 Morning. 27 00:01:01,229 --> 00:01:02,730 Oh, hey, how was your run? 28 00:01:02,796 --> 00:01:05,999 Great. We made it all the way to the pier and back. 29 00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:06,967 Didn't we, honey? 30 00:01:07,034 --> 00:01:09,403 ( panting ) 31 00:01:09,470 --> 00:01:11,239 Yeah. 32 00:01:11,305 --> 00:01:13,607 Pier... back. 33 00:01:13,674 --> 00:01:17,411 Hey, Jake, you ever seen anybody cough up blood? 34 00:01:17,478 --> 00:01:18,679 No. 35 00:01:18,746 --> 00:01:20,448 Then pay attention. 36 00:01:20,514 --> 00:01:22,416 Ass. 37 00:01:22,483 --> 00:01:23,551 Ass? 38 00:01:23,617 --> 00:01:27,020 Kiss... 39 00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:29,557 my... 40 00:01:29,623 --> 00:01:31,759 sweaty... 41 00:01:33,427 --> 00:01:35,263 I think I'll jump in the shower. 42 00:01:35,329 --> 00:01:37,565 Do you want to join me? 43 00:01:37,631 --> 00:01:39,633 Can't. 44 00:01:39,700 --> 00:01:42,170 Later... maybe. 45 00:01:42,236 --> 00:01:44,338 All right. 46 00:01:44,405 --> 00:01:46,607 Well, you drink your health shake, all right? 47 00:01:46,674 --> 00:01:47,608 You'll feel better. 48 00:01:47,675 --> 00:01:49,510 Doubt it. 49 00:01:53,714 --> 00:01:54,748 What's in that? 50 00:01:54,815 --> 00:01:56,250 I don't know. 51 00:01:56,317 --> 00:01:59,019 Vitamins, minerals, protein... 52 00:01:59,086 --> 00:02:03,824 Whatever it is, it's flushing out stuff I ate in high school. 53 00:02:05,493 --> 00:02:07,995 Hey, do you think they let you have a last poop 54 00:02:08,061 --> 00:02:09,897 after your last meal? 55 00:02:13,234 --> 00:02:14,468 What? 56 00:02:14,535 --> 00:02:16,804 'Cause as long as you're sitting on the can, 57 00:02:16,870 --> 00:02:18,872 technically, you're still pooping. 58 00:02:20,508 --> 00:02:22,510 And they got to wait. 59 00:02:23,611 --> 00:02:24,612 Go get dressed. 60 00:02:24,678 --> 00:02:26,046 If they made you hold one in, 61 00:02:26,113 --> 00:02:28,616 that'd be cruel and unusual punishment. 62 00:02:32,553 --> 00:02:35,189 You know, I am impressed with what you're doing here-- 63 00:02:35,256 --> 00:02:39,327 exercising, eating right, laying off the cigars and the booze... 64 00:02:39,393 --> 00:02:41,995 I mean, Mia has really done wonders with you. 65 00:02:42,062 --> 00:02:43,431 Yeah, she's an incredible woman. 66 00:02:43,497 --> 00:02:44,198 She is. 67 00:02:44,265 --> 00:02:45,633 And I'm a lucky guy. You are. 68 00:02:45,699 --> 00:02:47,335 So why is there this little voice 69 00:02:47,401 --> 00:02:48,869 in my head that keeps whispering, 70 00:02:48,936 --> 00:02:51,839 "Kill yourself! Do it now!"? 71 00:02:51,905 --> 00:02:53,841 Don't worry about that. 72 00:02:53,907 --> 00:02:54,275 It's very common. 73 00:02:54,342 --> 00:02:55,543 Really? Oh, yeah. 74 00:02:55,609 --> 00:02:57,545 Every man who gets into a long-term, 75 00:02:57,611 --> 00:02:59,580 committed relationship hears that voice. 76 00:02:59,647 --> 00:03:02,283 Mine sounded a little like Alec Baldwin. 77 00:03:02,350 --> 00:03:04,285 I don't know why. Maybe it's 'cause 78 00:03:04,352 --> 00:03:06,354 I enjoyed him so much in that submarine movie. 79 00:03:06,420 --> 00:03:07,621 What was that called? 80 00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:09,490 Would you get to the point? 81 00:03:09,557 --> 00:03:11,492 Well, you have to remember that over time 82 00:03:11,559 --> 00:03:13,160 that voice will fade, when you realize 83 00:03:13,227 --> 00:03:14,628 that what you're giving up 84 00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:16,530 is nothing compared to what you're gaining. 85 00:03:16,597 --> 00:03:18,232 What exactly am I gaining? 86 00:03:18,299 --> 00:03:19,333 Are you kidding? 87 00:03:19,400 --> 00:03:20,768 You're gaining a soul mate, 88 00:03:20,834 --> 00:03:23,404 someone to walk down life's path with you, 89 00:03:23,471 --> 00:03:26,173 someone who'll always be there sharing your hopes, 90 00:03:26,240 --> 00:03:28,342 your joys and your sorrows. 91 00:03:28,409 --> 00:03:30,210 You got nothing. 92 00:03:31,712 --> 00:03:34,214 It's what the minister said at my wedding. 93 00:03:37,318 --> 00:03:39,687 Hunt for Red October! 94 00:03:39,753 --> 00:03:43,090 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men * 95 00:03:43,156 --> 00:03:46,294 * Ah * Men 96 00:03:47,127 --> 00:03:48,296 CHARLIE: Back in a while, honey. 97 00:03:48,362 --> 00:03:50,230 I'm going for a power walk. 98 00:03:50,298 --> 00:03:51,832 MIA: Pace yourself. 99 00:03:51,899 --> 00:03:53,467 CHARLIE: Don't worry. 100 00:04:47,988 --> 00:04:49,923 ( sighs ) 101 00:04:49,990 --> 00:04:52,693 This is a good pace. 102 00:04:55,062 --> 00:04:55,996 ( door opens ) 103 00:04:56,063 --> 00:04:57,498 Hey. 104 00:04:59,232 --> 00:05:00,601 Whatcha doing? 105 00:05:00,668 --> 00:05:02,202 Nothing. 106 00:05:02,269 --> 00:05:03,737 Close the damn door. 107 00:05:05,906 --> 00:05:09,209 You told Mia you weren't gonna smoke or drink anymore. 108 00:05:09,276 --> 00:05:10,778 Yeah, well, you told your father 109 00:05:10,844 --> 00:05:14,147 you weren't gonna watch dirty movies on cable anymore. 110 00:05:14,214 --> 00:05:16,917 Don't change the subject. 111 00:05:18,486 --> 00:05:21,288 Mia's gonna be really pissed at you. 112 00:05:21,355 --> 00:05:22,690 Only if she finds out. 113 00:05:22,756 --> 00:05:24,525 And she doesn't have to find out. 114 00:05:24,592 --> 00:05:27,528 Well, I guess that depends. 115 00:05:29,196 --> 00:05:31,465 What, are you blackmailing me? 116 00:05:31,532 --> 00:05:34,435 No. I'm just saying if you don't give me 20 bucks, 117 00:05:34,502 --> 00:05:36,870 I'm gonna tell on you. 118 00:05:37,971 --> 00:05:39,072 That's blackmail. 119 00:05:39,139 --> 00:05:40,941 Oh. 120 00:05:41,008 --> 00:05:42,643 Well, then, yeah. 121 00:05:46,079 --> 00:05:48,348 ( doorbell rings ) 122 00:05:48,416 --> 00:05:50,250 Hi, Mom, how are you? 123 00:05:50,317 --> 00:05:51,619 Deeply hurt. 124 00:05:51,685 --> 00:05:54,187 Is this about me or Charlie? 125 00:05:54,254 --> 00:05:56,356 Charlie. Great. Come on in. 126 00:05:59,727 --> 00:06:01,161 Can you explain to me 127 00:06:01,228 --> 00:06:03,931 how your brother can be in a serious relationship, 128 00:06:03,997 --> 00:06:05,833 and not only have I not met the woman, 129 00:06:05,899 --> 00:06:08,035 he hasn't even bothered to tell me her name? 130 00:06:08,101 --> 00:06:11,271 Do you really need an explanation for that? 131 00:06:11,338 --> 00:06:12,706 Do you want it to be about you? 132 00:06:12,773 --> 00:06:15,208 Her name's Mia. She's in the kitchen. 133 00:06:15,275 --> 00:06:16,977 Thank you. 134 00:06:18,512 --> 00:06:21,148 Thank God I didn't know Anne Frank. 135 00:06:24,552 --> 00:06:25,886 EVELYN: Hello. 136 00:06:27,287 --> 00:06:28,388 Hello. 137 00:06:28,456 --> 00:06:33,561 ( spaghetti Western music plays ) 138 00:06:33,627 --> 00:06:35,463 I'm Evelyn, Charlie's mother. 139 00:06:35,529 --> 00:06:37,631 I'm Mia, Charlie's girlfriend. 140 00:06:37,698 --> 00:06:40,133 So we finally meet. 141 00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:41,301 So we do. 142 00:06:41,368 --> 00:06:43,937 One question. 143 00:06:44,004 --> 00:06:45,839 I'm listening. 144 00:06:45,906 --> 00:06:47,875 Can you fix him? 145 00:06:47,941 --> 00:06:49,810 I'm trying. 146 00:06:52,045 --> 00:06:55,082 ...15, 16, 17... 147 00:06:55,148 --> 00:06:57,718 18... Jake. 148 00:06:57,785 --> 00:07:00,287 How about a hug for your grandmommy? 149 00:07:00,353 --> 00:07:02,089 No, thank you. 150 00:07:02,155 --> 00:07:03,457 ( frustrated sigh ) 151 00:07:03,524 --> 00:07:05,526 One, two... 152 00:07:10,230 --> 00:07:12,099 ( horn honks ) 153 00:07:13,767 --> 00:07:15,969 What the hell are you doing?! 154 00:07:16,036 --> 00:07:17,905 Hey, keep it down, keep it down. 155 00:07:17,971 --> 00:07:20,874 Mia thinks I'm taking a power walk. 156 00:07:22,275 --> 00:07:25,345 This is a sad, sad day. 157 00:07:25,412 --> 00:07:29,216 I always figured you'd be the last guy 158 00:07:29,282 --> 00:07:32,052 in the world to end up whipped. 159 00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:33,987 I'm not whipped. 160 00:07:34,054 --> 00:07:35,923 I'm... considerate. 161 00:07:35,989 --> 00:07:37,057 Considerate? 162 00:07:37,124 --> 00:07:39,960 Yeah. See, I love Mia and I want her to be happy. 163 00:07:40,027 --> 00:07:41,762 And I happen to know she's not happy 164 00:07:41,829 --> 00:07:43,997 when I smoke cigars and drink and gamble 165 00:07:44,064 --> 00:07:46,900 and stay out all night and eat meat and sugar 166 00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:50,103 and grease and fat and... nap and swear 167 00:07:50,170 --> 00:07:52,740 and wear shorts and bowling shirts... 168 00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:54,542 Oh, Charlie, you're not just whipped, 169 00:07:54,608 --> 00:07:56,209 you're roped, saddled and gelded. 170 00:07:56,276 --> 00:08:00,480 They could use you to give rides at kids' birthday parties. 171 00:08:00,548 --> 00:08:02,215 I am not whipped. 172 00:08:02,282 --> 00:08:03,584 Yeah. 173 00:08:03,651 --> 00:08:08,355 Here, you might as well take one of these sacks since yours is empty. 174 00:08:08,421 --> 00:08:10,658 Hang on a second. 175 00:08:10,724 --> 00:08:12,826 That ain't gonna do it, Alice. 176 00:08:12,893 --> 00:08:14,194 What? 177 00:08:14,261 --> 00:08:17,665 You smell like a beer bottle that just fell out of Joe Camel's ass. 178 00:08:17,731 --> 00:08:19,867 Well, what am I supposed to do? 179 00:08:19,933 --> 00:08:21,201 Hang on, 180 00:08:21,268 --> 00:08:26,273 let's see if I got anything in here that might mask your stench. 181 00:08:26,339 --> 00:08:28,075 Oven cleaner? No. 182 00:08:28,141 --> 00:08:29,543 Tidy Bowl? No. 183 00:08:29,610 --> 00:08:36,249 How do you feel about taking a whore's bath with a hunk of bleu cheese? 184 00:08:36,316 --> 00:08:39,553 I'm so proud of him-- he hasn't had a drop of alcohol in weeks. 185 00:08:39,620 --> 00:08:41,521 Well, that's one way to go. 186 00:08:41,589 --> 00:08:43,591 But I've found that men who drink 187 00:08:43,657 --> 00:08:46,193 tend to talk less and sleep more. 188 00:08:46,259 --> 00:08:51,932 Which, frankly, becomes increasingly desirable as the years go by. 189 00:08:55,502 --> 00:08:57,504 Oh, this can't be good. 190 00:08:57,571 --> 00:08:59,339 Hello, darling. 191 00:08:59,406 --> 00:09:01,041 Wonderful to see you. 192 00:09:01,108 --> 00:09:02,943 Hi, Mom. 193 00:09:03,877 --> 00:09:05,779 Have you been dusting? 194 00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:07,781 No, why? 195 00:09:07,848 --> 00:09:10,618 You reek of Lemon Pledge. 196 00:09:10,684 --> 00:09:13,053 You're welcome. 197 00:09:14,722 --> 00:09:17,224 * Men... 198 00:09:18,659 --> 00:09:20,628 I'll be downstairs. 199 00:09:20,694 --> 00:09:22,262 MIA: No snacking, Charlie. 200 00:09:22,329 --> 00:09:25,933 We're going to the best vegetarian restaurant in town. 201 00:09:25,999 --> 00:09:28,836 Oh, boy! 202 00:09:32,372 --> 00:09:33,841 ( imitates bird whistling ) 203 00:09:33,907 --> 00:09:36,944 ( bird-like cooing ) 204 00:09:40,213 --> 00:09:42,650 Oh, thank God, meat! 205 00:09:42,716 --> 00:09:43,917 I love you, Rose. 206 00:09:43,984 --> 00:09:45,686 I love you, too, Charlie. 207 00:09:45,753 --> 00:09:50,190 And may I say, I would never try to change you the way she has. 208 00:09:50,257 --> 00:09:51,358 Her name's Mia. 209 00:09:51,424 --> 00:09:52,826 I know what her name is. 210 00:09:52,893 --> 00:09:55,996 I also know where she lives, her employment history, 211 00:09:56,063 --> 00:09:57,064 and if you want, 212 00:09:57,130 --> 00:09:59,900 I can get you photographs of a wet T-shirt contest 213 00:09:59,967 --> 00:10:01,702 she entered during spring break, 1995, 214 00:10:01,769 --> 00:10:05,472 at a college bar called Señor Frogs. 215 00:10:05,538 --> 00:10:07,407 I forgot who I'm dealing with. 216 00:10:07,474 --> 00:10:09,076 I also know you have to hide from her 217 00:10:09,142 --> 00:10:11,578 just to smoke a cigar and slam back a warm beer. 218 00:10:11,645 --> 00:10:13,346 What'd you do, bug my garage? 219 00:10:13,413 --> 00:10:14,815 Don't be paranoid. 220 00:10:14,882 --> 00:10:17,084 I have a long-standing arrangement with Jake. 221 00:10:17,150 --> 00:10:20,053 JAKE ( calling ): Charlie, I'm ready. 222 00:10:24,357 --> 00:10:25,192 I'm out here! 223 00:10:25,258 --> 00:10:27,294 Go, go, go, go, go. 224 00:10:27,360 --> 00:10:28,829 Okay, I'll go. 225 00:10:28,896 --> 00:10:31,164 But I want you to remember one thing. What? 226 00:10:31,231 --> 00:10:33,233 I'm not gonna wait for you forever. 227 00:10:39,406 --> 00:10:42,175 How do I look? 228 00:10:42,242 --> 00:10:43,777 ( wolf whistle ) 229 00:10:43,844 --> 00:10:46,814 ( Rose imitates bird cooing ) 230 00:10:53,386 --> 00:10:55,055 How's your couscous? 231 00:10:55,122 --> 00:10:57,725 Yummy. 232 00:10:57,791 --> 00:11:00,627 You know, I had quite an interesting chat with your mom today. 233 00:11:00,694 --> 00:11:03,030 Yeah, I'm sorry about that. 234 00:11:03,096 --> 00:11:04,832 I know she comes on a little strong, 235 00:11:04,898 --> 00:11:06,566 but her heart's in the right place. 236 00:11:06,633 --> 00:11:08,535 If by the right place you mean in a cooler 237 00:11:08,601 --> 00:11:11,638 on its way to a dying man in Tennessee, then we agree. 238 00:11:11,705 --> 00:11:14,474 You can't possibly mean that. 239 00:11:14,541 --> 00:11:16,109 I suppose not. 240 00:11:16,176 --> 00:11:19,479 She's too selfish to donate an organ. 241 00:11:19,546 --> 00:11:20,547 Even one she doesn't use. 242 00:11:20,613 --> 00:11:22,649 That's so unfair, Charlie. 243 00:11:22,716 --> 00:11:23,550 You mother loves you. 244 00:11:23,616 --> 00:11:25,853 Really? Did she or did she not say 245 00:11:25,919 --> 00:11:27,587 I was a bitter disappointment? 246 00:11:27,654 --> 00:11:29,456 Well, she did, but... 247 00:11:29,522 --> 00:11:30,457 And did she 248 00:11:30,523 --> 00:11:31,691 or did she not say 249 00:11:31,759 --> 00:11:34,161 that I'm a lazy-ass schlock jingle writer 250 00:11:34,227 --> 00:11:36,363 who wasted 13 years of piano lessons 251 00:11:36,429 --> 00:11:38,766 that she paid for by marrying a series of men 252 00:11:38,832 --> 00:11:40,700 with large wallets and small penises? 253 00:11:40,768 --> 00:11:42,970 Yes, that was mentioned. 254 00:11:43,036 --> 00:11:45,839 But it's only natural for someone who loves you 255 00:11:45,906 --> 00:11:48,842 to want to see you live up to your potential. 256 00:11:48,909 --> 00:11:50,410 I mean, do you really want to be known 257 00:11:50,477 --> 00:11:52,746 as the guy who writes songs about adult diapers? 258 00:11:52,813 --> 00:11:54,681 Hey, it's better than being known 259 00:11:54,748 --> 00:11:56,349 as the guy who wears them. 260 00:11:56,416 --> 00:11:59,219 Charlie, we both know you can do so much more 261 00:11:59,286 --> 00:12:01,388 with your life. 262 00:12:01,454 --> 00:12:06,860 Maybe, but you got to admire my restraint. 263 00:12:06,927 --> 00:12:09,562 Well, come on, look how much you've accomplished 264 00:12:09,629 --> 00:12:10,931 just since we've been together. 265 00:12:10,998 --> 00:12:12,599 You're exercising regularly, 266 00:12:12,665 --> 00:12:15,635 you've cut way down on the drinking and you're eating right. 267 00:12:15,702 --> 00:12:19,072 Did you ever think you'd be able to change your life the way you have? 268 00:12:19,139 --> 00:12:21,775 Never. 269 00:12:21,842 --> 00:12:23,243 It just goes to show 270 00:12:23,310 --> 00:12:26,046 you can do anything you put your mind to. 271 00:12:30,017 --> 00:12:32,285 I smell meat. 272 00:12:32,352 --> 00:12:34,054 Excuse me? 273 00:12:34,121 --> 00:12:37,324 Your breath. It stinks of meat. 274 00:12:38,826 --> 00:12:42,830 Well, it-it-it could be my tongue. 275 00:12:42,896 --> 00:12:44,231 My tongue is meat. 276 00:12:44,297 --> 00:12:45,933 No, you've been eating meat. 277 00:12:45,999 --> 00:12:47,100 I can smell it. 278 00:12:47,167 --> 00:12:53,340 Maybe it's this breast of tofurkey you smell. 279 00:12:53,406 --> 00:12:55,008 No, I smell beef. 280 00:12:55,075 --> 00:12:57,210 Where would I get beef? 281 00:12:57,277 --> 00:12:58,211 You tell me. 282 00:12:58,278 --> 00:13:02,449 Well, maybe it's secondhand beef. 283 00:13:02,515 --> 00:13:03,116 What? 284 00:13:03,183 --> 00:13:06,119 You know, like secondhand smoke. 285 00:13:06,186 --> 00:13:10,490 Some thoughtless guy is sitting next to you eating a steak, and... 286 00:13:13,493 --> 00:13:15,662 Ah, screw it. 287 00:13:15,728 --> 00:13:17,664 I paid a slightly disturbed woman 288 00:13:17,730 --> 00:13:19,867 to toss a bag of bacon cheeseburgers 289 00:13:19,933 --> 00:13:22,535 onto the deck while you were getting dressed. 290 00:13:22,602 --> 00:13:24,471 Oh, Charlie. 291 00:13:24,537 --> 00:13:25,638 Don't "Oh, Charlie" me. 292 00:13:25,705 --> 00:13:27,540 I was starving. 293 00:13:27,607 --> 00:13:29,342 And I'll tell you another thing. 294 00:13:29,409 --> 00:13:31,178 My power walk was two quick beers 295 00:13:31,244 --> 00:13:34,314 and a half a Cuban cigar while cowering in my own garage. 296 00:13:34,381 --> 00:13:36,383 That's why you smelled like Lemon Pledge. 297 00:13:36,449 --> 00:13:38,351 Well, it certainly wasn't to bring out 298 00:13:38,418 --> 00:13:39,686 the natural luster of my forehead. 299 00:13:39,752 --> 00:13:41,855 So you've been lying to me? 300 00:13:41,922 --> 00:13:43,190 If by lying you mean telling you 301 00:13:43,256 --> 00:13:45,158 I wasn't going to do a bunch of things 302 00:13:45,225 --> 00:13:47,360 and then doing them anyway and lying about it, 303 00:13:47,427 --> 00:13:48,862 then yes, I've been lying to you. 304 00:13:48,929 --> 00:13:53,333 Well, I suppose I can forgive you, 305 00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:55,368 if you promise it'll never happen again. 306 00:13:55,435 --> 00:13:58,071 Oh, it'll never happen again. You know why? 307 00:13:58,138 --> 00:14:00,040 Because I am done with this whole charade. 308 00:14:00,107 --> 00:14:02,609 I'm tired of you trying to make me over 309 00:14:02,675 --> 00:14:04,811 into something I'm not. 310 00:14:04,878 --> 00:14:06,713 I'm a grown man, not a work in progress. 311 00:14:06,779 --> 00:14:07,714 Charlie, people are staring. 312 00:14:07,780 --> 00:14:08,815 Let 'em stare! 313 00:14:08,882 --> 00:14:11,251 You guys know what I mean. 314 00:14:11,318 --> 00:14:14,221 Why can't women look at a guy for who he is 315 00:14:14,287 --> 00:14:15,788 instead of who they can turn him into? 316 00:14:15,855 --> 00:14:17,190 Please, you're embarrassing me. 317 00:14:17,257 --> 00:14:19,692 Well, good, maybe now you know how I feel-- 318 00:14:19,759 --> 00:14:20,660 sitting in a restaurant eating 319 00:14:20,727 --> 00:14:24,131 medallions of bean curd with lawnmower sauce. 320 00:14:24,831 --> 00:14:25,966 Am I right? 321 00:14:26,033 --> 00:14:28,768 No man should have to eat anything 322 00:14:28,835 --> 00:14:30,370 with the word "curd" in it. 323 00:14:30,437 --> 00:14:32,672 You're turning into a real ass here. 324 00:14:32,739 --> 00:14:35,008 Well, then I'm finally living up to my potential. 325 00:14:35,075 --> 00:14:39,612 I'm a big ol' bourbon-soaked, cigar-huffing ass, 326 00:14:39,679 --> 00:14:42,950 as God in His infinite wisdom meant me to be. 327 00:14:43,016 --> 00:14:45,085 As He meant all men to be. 328 00:14:53,994 --> 00:14:57,564 You guys are disappointing God. 329 00:15:02,069 --> 00:15:06,173 Okay, what if a cannibal's on death row? 330 00:15:06,239 --> 00:15:07,440 I guess for being a cannibal. 331 00:15:07,507 --> 00:15:10,177 And he orders Chinese for his last meal. 332 00:15:10,243 --> 00:15:13,080 Does he get to eat a Chinese guy? 333 00:15:15,248 --> 00:15:16,216 No. 334 00:15:16,283 --> 00:15:19,186 What if they just electrocuted a Chinese guy 335 00:15:19,252 --> 00:15:21,621 and the cannibal was next? 336 00:15:21,688 --> 00:15:24,124 No. 337 00:15:24,191 --> 00:15:25,959 He'd already be cooked. 338 00:15:26,026 --> 00:15:27,594 Stop it! 339 00:15:29,997 --> 00:15:31,098 Hey. 340 00:15:31,164 --> 00:15:32,232 Oh, hey. Where have you been? 341 00:15:32,299 --> 00:15:33,700 I had a date with Mia. 342 00:15:33,766 --> 00:15:35,335 That was two nights ago. 343 00:15:35,402 --> 00:15:39,439 Yeah, well, I stopped off in Vegas on the way home. 344 00:15:39,506 --> 00:15:40,340 Why? 345 00:15:40,407 --> 00:15:42,242 Because that's where you go 346 00:15:42,309 --> 00:15:45,412 after you destroy a relationship. 347 00:15:45,478 --> 00:15:49,349 Oh, now I understand why Mia's been calling. 348 00:15:49,416 --> 00:15:50,683 She sounded pretty upset. 349 00:15:50,750 --> 00:15:52,552 I didn't tell her anything. 350 00:15:52,619 --> 00:15:55,655 But you'd tell Rose, wouldn't you? 351 00:15:55,722 --> 00:15:57,224 Hey, you just paid me once. 352 00:15:57,290 --> 00:16:00,593 Rose has me on something called a retainer. 353 00:16:02,662 --> 00:16:04,464 So what happened with Mia? 354 00:16:04,531 --> 00:16:05,565 No big deal. 355 00:16:05,632 --> 00:16:08,101 I just got tired of trying to be something I'm not. 356 00:16:08,168 --> 00:16:09,736 A decent, healthy human being? 357 00:16:09,802 --> 00:16:11,438 Pretty much. 358 00:16:14,441 --> 00:16:16,709 He's back. 359 00:16:16,776 --> 00:16:18,645 You're damn right, I'm back. 360 00:16:18,711 --> 00:16:20,447 Mia and I are through. 361 00:16:20,513 --> 00:16:21,514 You schmuck. 362 00:16:21,581 --> 00:16:23,916 She was the best thing that ever happened to you. 363 00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:25,618 But you said I was whipped. 364 00:16:25,685 --> 00:16:29,322 I didn't mean dump her. I meant grow a pair. 365 00:16:31,758 --> 00:16:32,859 What is "whipped." 366 00:16:32,925 --> 00:16:34,361 It's when a man lets a woman 367 00:16:34,427 --> 00:16:36,896 take over his life and tell him what to do. 368 00:16:36,963 --> 00:16:39,232 Oh, so like you and Mom. 369 00:16:40,900 --> 00:16:42,602 ( phone rings ) 370 00:16:42,669 --> 00:16:43,770 No. 371 00:16:48,875 --> 00:16:50,110 Oh, hi, Mother. 372 00:16:50,177 --> 00:16:51,778 Uh, no, no, Mia's not here. 373 00:16:51,844 --> 00:16:52,845 He, uh, broke up with her. 374 00:16:52,912 --> 00:16:55,915 Yeah, schmuck seems to be the general consensus. 375 00:16:55,982 --> 00:16:58,751 What's a schmuck? 376 00:16:58,818 --> 00:17:00,487 Any guy who's not whipped. 377 00:17:00,553 --> 00:17:03,656 She wants to talk to you. Well, I don't want to talk to her. 378 00:17:04,757 --> 00:17:06,226 Nice catch, schmuck. 379 00:17:11,098 --> 00:17:12,265 Hey, Mom. 380 00:17:12,332 --> 00:17:15,968 Whoa, whoa, whoa, why am I the bad guy here? 381 00:17:16,035 --> 00:17:18,971 Well, did you ever stop to consider 382 00:17:19,038 --> 00:17:21,174 that maybe this wasn't my fault? 383 00:17:21,241 --> 00:17:24,211 I got to go, Mom. My meat connection's here. 384 00:17:28,014 --> 00:17:32,185 I just think if the guy's got a front door, we should use it. 385 00:17:32,252 --> 00:17:33,653 This is fine. 386 00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:34,654 Hi, Charlie. 387 00:17:34,721 --> 00:17:35,088 Hello, Rose. 388 00:17:35,155 --> 00:17:36,589 What's going on? 389 00:17:36,656 --> 00:17:40,193 Well, I just wanted to introduce you to Gordon, 390 00:17:40,260 --> 00:17:41,261 my new boyfriend. 391 00:17:41,328 --> 00:17:43,596 Oh, no kidding? 392 00:17:43,663 --> 00:17:44,997 Hiya, Gordon. 393 00:17:45,064 --> 00:17:46,299 Hello. 394 00:17:46,366 --> 00:17:48,935 Gordon and I are in a committed relationship. 395 00:17:49,001 --> 00:17:50,570 Right, Gordon? Um, yeah, I guess. 396 00:17:50,637 --> 00:17:53,540 Look, see? There's stairs right over there. Just... 397 00:17:53,606 --> 00:17:54,541 Anyway, 398 00:17:54,607 --> 00:17:56,143 I was thinking 399 00:17:56,209 --> 00:17:57,944 that perhaps you and Mia would like 400 00:17:58,010 --> 00:17:59,346 to join us for dinner one night. 401 00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:00,647 You know, double date. 402 00:18:00,713 --> 00:18:04,517 Oh, well, that's nice, Rose, but I broke up with Mia. 403 00:18:04,584 --> 00:18:08,455 Oh, I see. 404 00:18:08,521 --> 00:18:10,623 Well, then, good-bye Gordon. 405 00:18:19,599 --> 00:18:21,634 * Men. 406 00:18:21,701 --> 00:18:24,904 ( TV playing ) 407 00:18:24,971 --> 00:18:27,640 I think I made a big mistake. 408 00:18:27,707 --> 00:18:29,509 I know the feeling. 409 00:18:29,576 --> 00:18:31,511 I once ate an egg salad sandwich 410 00:18:31,578 --> 00:18:33,680 I left in my desk over the weekend. 411 00:18:33,746 --> 00:18:37,550 Huge mistake. 412 00:18:37,617 --> 00:18:39,786 My relationship with Mia was the best thing 413 00:18:39,852 --> 00:18:42,422 that ever happened to me, and I threw it away. 414 00:18:42,489 --> 00:18:46,058 That's what I should have done with the sandwich. 415 00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:48,595 I wonder if it's too late to fix things. 416 00:18:48,661 --> 00:18:50,597 Call her and find out. 417 00:18:50,663 --> 00:18:53,600 Yeah, but if I do, I'll be right back where I started, 418 00:18:53,666 --> 00:18:55,435 trying to be somebody I'm not. 419 00:18:55,502 --> 00:18:58,671 Okay, then find another girlfriend. 420 00:18:58,738 --> 00:19:00,473 I don't want another girlfriend. 421 00:19:00,540 --> 00:19:01,874 I want Mia. 422 00:19:01,941 --> 00:19:03,810 Then call her. 423 00:19:03,876 --> 00:19:05,445 I can't. 424 00:19:05,512 --> 00:19:09,081 I can't live with her, I can't live without her. 425 00:19:09,148 --> 00:19:11,050 If your plane crashed in the Andes 426 00:19:11,117 --> 00:19:14,221 and she died, could you eat her? 427 00:19:19,959 --> 00:19:22,195 * Men. 428 00:19:26,132 --> 00:19:28,735 Mia, it's Charlie. 429 00:19:28,801 --> 00:19:29,669 Look, you win. 430 00:19:29,736 --> 00:19:33,172 I'll change. No more meat. I promise. 431 00:19:34,941 --> 00:19:38,345 Come on, Mia, come out and smell me. 432 00:19:40,146 --> 00:19:41,814 Mia's not here. 433 00:19:41,881 --> 00:19:43,182 Do I have to smell you? 434 00:19:43,250 --> 00:19:45,017 Who are you? 435 00:19:45,084 --> 00:19:47,153 Ginger. So, you're Charlie. 436 00:19:47,220 --> 00:19:49,088 Yeah. Where's Mia? 437 00:19:49,155 --> 00:19:50,957 Hang on a minute. 438 00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:54,227 She told me to give you this if you stopped by. 439 00:19:57,630 --> 00:20:00,199 She took a job in New York. Why'd she do that? 440 00:20:00,267 --> 00:20:01,934 Just read the note. 441 00:20:02,001 --> 00:20:03,736 "I love you too much 442 00:20:03,803 --> 00:20:06,005 "to try to make you into something you're not, 443 00:20:06,072 --> 00:20:09,342 and I love me too much to settle for who you are." 444 00:20:09,409 --> 00:20:12,245 That's the part that always makes me cry. 445 00:20:12,312 --> 00:20:14,281 I can change her mind. 446 00:20:14,347 --> 00:20:16,349 I'll fly to New York tonight. 447 00:20:16,416 --> 00:20:17,317 Do you have her address? 448 00:20:17,384 --> 00:20:18,585 Come on in. 449 00:20:18,651 --> 00:20:20,953 Can I get you something to drink? 450 00:20:21,020 --> 00:20:22,054 No, thanks. 451 00:20:22,121 --> 00:20:24,791 Yeah, hi. American Airlines reservations, please. 452 00:20:24,857 --> 00:20:27,327 You sure? I got all my boys here. 453 00:20:27,394 --> 00:20:29,329 Jack, Johnny and Jose. 454 00:20:29,396 --> 00:20:33,199 Maybe a poquito Jose. 455 00:20:33,266 --> 00:20:36,369 Hey, are these actual baby back ribs? 456 00:20:36,436 --> 00:20:37,870 Yeah, help yourself. 457 00:20:37,937 --> 00:20:40,039 Thanks. 458 00:20:40,106 --> 00:20:41,508 Yeah, I need to make a reservation 459 00:20:41,574 --> 00:20:43,410 for the red-eye to New York tonight. 460 00:20:43,476 --> 00:20:45,378 Hey, do you mind if I turn on the TV? 461 00:20:45,445 --> 00:20:47,079 I got some money on the Lakers. 462 00:20:47,146 --> 00:20:48,448 You bet sports? 463 00:20:48,515 --> 00:20:50,417 I'll bet anything. 464 00:20:50,483 --> 00:20:52,519 I had 200 bucks on my sister's pregnancy test. 465 00:20:52,585 --> 00:20:55,688 How exactly do you know Mia? 466 00:20:55,755 --> 00:20:58,725 Oh, we used to do the ballet thing together, 467 00:20:58,791 --> 00:21:00,226 but I didn't have the discipline. 468 00:21:00,293 --> 00:21:01,227 No kidding? 469 00:21:01,294 --> 00:21:04,764 I still dance, but just for tips. 470 00:21:04,831 --> 00:21:06,333 Huh. 471 00:21:06,399 --> 00:21:07,800 I'll call you back. 472 00:21:07,867 --> 00:21:12,238 ( TV playing ) 473 00:21:12,305 --> 00:21:15,375 You know, I'm thinking she probably needs her space. 474 00:21:15,442 --> 00:21:16,543 Probably. 475 00:21:16,609 --> 00:21:18,745 Mind if I hang out and watch the game? 476 00:21:18,811 --> 00:21:20,313 Be my guest. 477 00:21:25,485 --> 00:21:26,419 If you got cash, 478 00:21:26,486 --> 00:21:32,024 I could give you a lap dance at halftime. 479 00:21:32,091 --> 00:21:33,660 That'd be swell.