1 00:00:08,576 --> 00:00:09,543 ( sighs ) 2 00:00:09,610 --> 00:00:12,946 This is such a beautiful sunset. 3 00:00:13,013 --> 00:00:14,315 Thanks. 4 00:00:16,384 --> 00:00:17,185 "Thanks"? 5 00:00:17,251 --> 00:00:18,652 You're taking credit for the sunset? 6 00:00:18,719 --> 00:00:21,422 Well, no, not-not-not the sunset, per se, 7 00:00:21,489 --> 00:00:23,424 but I did buy a very expensive house on the beach 8 00:00:23,491 --> 00:00:26,127 so we can stand here and watch the sunset, 9 00:00:26,194 --> 00:00:29,197 so... thanks. 10 00:00:29,263 --> 00:00:30,464 The fancy beach house works 11 00:00:30,531 --> 00:00:32,032 with a lot of women, doesn't it? 12 00:00:32,100 --> 00:00:33,634 Honestly? 13 00:00:33,701 --> 00:00:37,138 It's like a G-spot with two mortgages. 14 00:00:37,205 --> 00:00:38,639 ( laughs ): Well, just so you know, 15 00:00:38,706 --> 00:00:41,209 I'm not with you for your house or your money. 16 00:00:41,275 --> 00:00:43,311 So it's the car. 17 00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:45,213 Why would I care about your car? 18 00:00:45,279 --> 00:00:47,047 It's an $80,000 Mercedes. 19 00:00:47,115 --> 00:00:48,149 Yeah, so? 20 00:00:48,216 --> 00:00:50,050 What does it do that other cars don't do? 21 00:00:50,118 --> 00:00:51,885 It costs $80,000. 22 00:00:51,952 --> 00:00:52,686 ( laughing ) 23 00:00:52,753 --> 00:00:54,122 Hey, I almost forgot. 24 00:00:54,188 --> 00:00:55,856 I have something for you. 25 00:00:55,923 --> 00:00:59,059 Oh, Charlie, you don't have to buy me expensive jewelry. 26 00:00:59,127 --> 00:01:03,964 Okay, nothing but cheap crap from now on. 27 00:01:04,031 --> 00:01:06,300 ( gasps ): It's beautiful. 28 00:01:06,367 --> 00:01:08,336 Read the inscription. 29 00:01:09,803 --> 00:01:11,739 "One month, two weeks, four days." 30 00:01:11,805 --> 00:01:13,006 What-what does it mean? 31 00:01:13,073 --> 00:01:15,476 Well, since we've decided to go ahead 32 00:01:15,543 --> 00:01:19,580 and consummate our relationship, finally, 33 00:01:19,647 --> 00:01:21,149 I thought I should honor the time 34 00:01:21,215 --> 00:01:24,218 we've already spent together... exclusively... 35 00:01:24,285 --> 00:01:25,619 in a committed relationship... 36 00:01:25,686 --> 00:01:27,555 without any sex... 37 00:01:27,621 --> 00:01:31,392 what-so-ever. 38 00:01:31,459 --> 00:01:33,461 So unless we have sex before midnight tonight, 39 00:01:33,527 --> 00:01:35,429 you're going to need to buy a new bracelet? 40 00:01:35,496 --> 00:01:38,632 Uh-huh. You're pretty sure of yourself, aren't you? 41 00:01:38,699 --> 00:01:40,100 Uh-huh. 42 00:01:40,168 --> 00:01:42,636 Well, since you went to all the trouble 43 00:01:42,703 --> 00:01:43,504 to engrave it... 44 00:01:43,571 --> 00:01:45,773 Don't even ask what I used as a chisel. 45 00:01:46,874 --> 00:01:49,177 ( doorbell rings ) 46 00:01:51,512 --> 00:01:52,146 Kandi. 47 00:01:52,213 --> 00:01:54,482 Hello, Alan. Is Charlie available? 48 00:01:54,548 --> 00:01:56,784 Because I wish to speak with him. 49 00:01:56,850 --> 00:01:59,953 Oh, oh, uh... uh, okay. 50 00:02:00,020 --> 00:02:02,723 Um, why don't you wait here, and I'll, uh, let him know. 51 00:02:02,790 --> 00:02:06,760 I would be immensely appreciative if you would. 52 00:02:07,661 --> 00:02:09,297 All righty. 53 00:02:50,438 --> 00:02:52,940 What the hell does... this mean? 54 00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:54,408 I was sending you a message. 55 00:02:54,475 --> 00:02:57,845 What, that you're a woman trapped in a man's body? 56 00:02:57,911 --> 00:02:59,213 Kandi's here. 57 00:02:59,280 --> 00:03:01,515 And you want me to call you Kandi? 58 00:03:01,582 --> 00:03:04,785 No, Kandi, the girl you were seeing before Mia. 59 00:03:04,852 --> 00:03:06,487 Oh... 60 00:03:06,554 --> 00:03:07,855 Charlie, she's been calling here for days. 61 00:03:07,921 --> 00:03:09,557 Don't you think it's time you let her know 62 00:03:09,623 --> 00:03:11,792 you're in an exclusive relationship with another woman? 63 00:03:11,859 --> 00:03:12,826 Yeah, Charlie. 64 00:03:12,893 --> 00:03:13,761 After all, it's been 65 00:03:13,827 --> 00:03:17,231 "one month, two weeks, four days." 66 00:03:19,367 --> 00:03:20,901 Did you know that Alan's a woman 67 00:03:20,968 --> 00:03:22,503 trapped in a man's body? 68 00:03:22,570 --> 00:03:25,906 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 69 00:03:25,973 --> 00:03:28,676 * Ooh * Men. 70 00:03:30,544 --> 00:03:31,479 So... 71 00:03:31,545 --> 00:03:33,614 are you going to go talk to your ex-girlfriend? 72 00:03:33,681 --> 00:03:35,182 Okay, first of all, sweetheart, 73 00:03:35,249 --> 00:03:37,184 she's not really an ex-girlfriend. 74 00:03:37,251 --> 00:03:39,887 Her name's Kandi. 75 00:03:39,953 --> 00:03:41,989 Thanks, Alan. 76 00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:44,057 With a "K." 77 00:03:44,124 --> 00:03:45,793 Alan... 78 00:03:45,859 --> 00:03:47,495 And an "I." 79 00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:50,230 Okay, so if Kandi with a "K" and and "I" 80 00:03:50,298 --> 00:03:51,965 isn't your ex-girlfriend, then what is she? 81 00:03:52,032 --> 00:03:56,270 Well, I-I-I'd-I would say she's more of a, uh, person 82 00:03:56,337 --> 00:04:01,275 who would drop by from time to time and, uh... 83 00:04:01,342 --> 00:04:02,976 yeah, that. 84 00:04:04,211 --> 00:04:05,579 And why haven't you told this person 85 00:04:05,646 --> 00:04:07,981 that you're in a committed relationship? 86 00:04:08,048 --> 00:04:10,217 Her name's Kandi. 87 00:04:10,284 --> 00:04:12,019 Boy, you're on thin ice. 88 00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:14,855 I think we both know why you didn't tell her. 89 00:04:14,922 --> 00:04:18,926 Well, if that's the case, then this discussion is moot... 90 00:04:18,992 --> 00:04:19,960 ...and we should go upstairs 91 00:04:20,027 --> 00:04:21,161 while Alan goes back out there 92 00:04:21,228 --> 00:04:23,564 and delivers a very credible lie as to my whereabouts. Alan? 93 00:04:23,631 --> 00:04:25,566 Well, I'm not half the liar you are, 94 00:04:25,633 --> 00:04:28,869 but I'll give it a shot. 95 00:04:28,936 --> 00:04:31,705 Shall we go upstairs and continue this conversation? 96 00:04:31,772 --> 00:04:34,942 Are you out of your freakin' mind? 97 00:04:35,008 --> 00:04:38,512 Okay. You're mad. I get that. 98 00:04:38,579 --> 00:04:39,780 So? 99 00:04:39,847 --> 00:04:41,315 Uh, well, Kandi, 100 00:04:41,382 --> 00:04:44,618 it's like this. 101 00:04:44,685 --> 00:04:47,054 Charlie's with another woman. 102 00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:50,524 Don't lie to me, Alan. 103 00:04:51,425 --> 00:04:54,795 Okay, uh, he's in Africa 104 00:04:54,862 --> 00:04:58,332 working as a scrub nurse for Doctors without Borders. 105 00:04:58,399 --> 00:05:01,735 Story of my life! 106 00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:03,904 That's the story of your life? 107 00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:08,976 It's not always a scrub nurse, but it's always Africa. 108 00:05:10,444 --> 00:05:12,413 Before you say anything else, I want you to know 109 00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:14,114 I've anticipated problems like this. 110 00:05:14,181 --> 00:05:16,717 Look on the other side of the bracelet. 111 00:05:19,019 --> 00:05:21,021 "I'm very, very sorry." 112 00:05:22,990 --> 00:05:23,691 Huh? Huh? 113 00:05:23,757 --> 00:05:26,660 You know what your problem is, Charlie? 114 00:05:26,727 --> 00:05:29,530 It's that you don't really believe in this relationship. 115 00:05:29,597 --> 00:05:30,931 Not believe in it? 116 00:05:30,998 --> 00:05:33,801 It's kept me from having sex for over six weeks. 117 00:05:33,867 --> 00:05:37,571 That'd be like not believing in a serious groin pull. 118 00:05:37,638 --> 00:05:38,906 You know what Kandi is? 119 00:05:38,972 --> 00:05:41,074 I try not to judge. 120 00:05:41,141 --> 00:05:42,142 She's a lifeboat. 121 00:05:42,209 --> 00:05:44,812 You're keeping a lifeboat for when this ship sinks. 122 00:05:44,878 --> 00:05:46,514 Hey, hey, hey, lifeboats don't mean 123 00:05:46,580 --> 00:05:48,181 you expect the ship to sink-- 124 00:05:48,248 --> 00:05:51,752 the relation-ship, if I may. 125 00:05:51,819 --> 00:05:53,554 What they mean is that you have 126 00:05:53,621 --> 00:05:59,259 a-a-a healthy respect for the... power of the sea. 127 00:05:59,326 --> 00:06:00,728 Are you listening to yourself? 128 00:06:00,794 --> 00:06:03,130 Yeah, I just caught the last part. 129 00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:05,265 Not well thought out. No. 130 00:06:05,332 --> 00:06:07,435 All my life, guys have looked at me 131 00:06:07,501 --> 00:06:11,304 like I'm just some kind of sex toy. 132 00:06:11,371 --> 00:06:13,641 Well, they're wrong. 133 00:06:13,707 --> 00:06:16,343 Yeah. Just because you're good at something 134 00:06:16,410 --> 00:06:19,813 doesn't mean you should be pigeonholed. 135 00:06:24,151 --> 00:06:26,620 Uh-huh. 136 00:06:26,687 --> 00:06:29,389 And the only reason I'm so good at it 137 00:06:29,457 --> 00:06:31,992 is 'cause I practice. 138 00:06:33,093 --> 00:06:34,495 A-ha. 139 00:06:34,562 --> 00:06:36,497 Of course, all the practice in the world 140 00:06:36,564 --> 00:06:38,365 isn't going to help if you don't love 141 00:06:38,432 --> 00:06:40,934 what you're doing. 142 00:06:41,835 --> 00:06:44,304 A-ha. 143 00:06:44,371 --> 00:06:45,739 What do you want me to do, Mia, 144 00:06:45,806 --> 00:06:47,908 call every woman I've ever known just to announce 145 00:06:47,975 --> 00:06:50,444 that I'm now in a committed relationship? 146 00:06:50,511 --> 00:06:52,112 "Hi, Shirley? This is Charlie Harper. 147 00:06:52,179 --> 00:06:56,349 "We met at Disneyland about 22 years ago... 148 00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:59,520 "Yeah, Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. That was me. 149 00:06:59,587 --> 00:07:02,322 "Anyway, I just thought I should let you know 150 00:07:02,389 --> 00:07:03,524 "I have a girlfriend now, 151 00:07:03,591 --> 00:07:06,393 "so I'd appreciate it if you didn't call me. 152 00:07:06,460 --> 00:07:08,629 Okay, bye-bye." 153 00:07:08,696 --> 00:07:10,564 Well, that takes care of Shirley. 154 00:07:10,631 --> 00:07:11,765 Now what about Kandi? 155 00:07:11,832 --> 00:07:13,501 You want me to tell her? Fine. 156 00:07:13,567 --> 00:07:14,568 I'll tell her. 157 00:07:14,635 --> 00:07:18,806 I'll go tell her right now. 158 00:07:18,872 --> 00:07:21,575 But before I cut her loose completely, 159 00:07:21,642 --> 00:07:24,077 let me float a crazy idea by you. 160 00:07:25,546 --> 00:07:29,983 Sort of a win-win... win. 161 00:07:30,050 --> 00:07:32,753 Are you out of your freakin' mind? 162 00:07:33,654 --> 00:07:35,856 It was worth a shot. 163 00:07:36,990 --> 00:07:39,660 Kandi, before you say anything, 164 00:07:39,727 --> 00:07:40,728 I just want you to know 165 00:07:40,794 --> 00:07:42,496 that I'm in a committed relationship now 166 00:07:42,563 --> 00:07:44,698 and I'm-I'm-I'm really in love with this woman. 167 00:07:44,765 --> 00:07:47,568 She's the best thing that's ever happened to me, 168 00:07:47,635 --> 00:07:49,637 and I can't imagine being with anyone else. 169 00:07:49,703 --> 00:07:53,907 Now, sweetie... 170 00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:55,408 don't cry. 171 00:07:55,475 --> 00:07:58,145 I'm sure you'll find someone else. 172 00:08:00,247 --> 00:08:01,915 Bye-bye! 173 00:08:01,982 --> 00:08:02,716 Bye-bye. 174 00:08:02,783 --> 00:08:05,485 What? I thought we were going upstairs. 175 00:08:05,553 --> 00:08:09,156 Okay. You're still mad. I get that. 176 00:08:10,023 --> 00:08:12,159 * Men. 177 00:08:14,562 --> 00:08:16,029 I made your bed. 178 00:08:16,096 --> 00:08:17,230 Thank you. 179 00:08:17,297 --> 00:08:19,266 It's been real easy lately. 180 00:08:20,167 --> 00:08:21,935 How nice for you. 181 00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:24,672 You haven't even been flying solo, have you? 182 00:08:24,738 --> 00:08:26,774 That's a little personal, isn't it? 183 00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:29,009 Hey, you want privacy, wash your own sheets. 184 00:08:29,943 --> 00:08:30,778 Once I get my mitts on 'em, 185 00:08:30,844 --> 00:08:32,646 they're in the public domain. 186 00:08:32,713 --> 00:08:34,882 Good morning. Morning. 187 00:08:34,948 --> 00:08:35,949 How'd it go with Mia last night? 188 00:08:36,016 --> 00:08:38,586 Based on his laundry, not well. 189 00:08:38,652 --> 00:08:40,353 Why don't you tell the neighbors? 190 00:08:40,420 --> 00:08:44,925 Where do you think I'm going?! 191 00:08:44,992 --> 00:08:47,094 Oh, by the way, thanks for getting rid of Kandi for me. 192 00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:49,296 Hey, I'm your brother. I got your back. 193 00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:50,931 Good to know. 194 00:08:50,998 --> 00:08:52,633 Hey, as long as we're on the subject, 195 00:08:52,700 --> 00:08:53,934 I was wondering... 196 00:08:54,001 --> 00:08:57,204 since you're... swimming in Lake Monogamy, 197 00:08:57,270 --> 00:08:59,272 as it were... 198 00:08:59,339 --> 00:09:03,611 would you mind if I, you know, asked Kandi out sometime? 199 00:09:03,677 --> 00:09:06,079 Go for it. Just wanted to make sure you're okay with it. 200 00:09:06,146 --> 00:09:07,014 I'm fine with it. 201 00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:08,916 I just don't want you to feel weird. 202 00:09:08,982 --> 00:09:11,118 Thanks for your consideration. 203 00:09:11,184 --> 00:09:13,553 Morning, Huggy Bear! 204 00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:22,763 So, Kandi, you want to go out sometime? 205 00:09:24,331 --> 00:09:25,966 * Men. 206 00:09:31,672 --> 00:09:34,241 Okay, I want you to know I tracked down Kandi. 207 00:09:34,307 --> 00:09:36,309 I told her she needs to move on, and she has, 208 00:09:36,376 --> 00:09:37,477 so I've got no lifeboats, 209 00:09:37,544 --> 00:09:39,146 no life preservers, no water wings. 210 00:09:39,212 --> 00:09:40,447 If the ship goes down, I'm going down with it. 211 00:09:40,513 --> 00:09:41,949 Charlie... 212 00:09:42,015 --> 00:09:44,017 So there's no longer any reason to put off you and me 213 00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:45,953 getting naked and rutting like a couple of pigs. 214 00:09:46,019 --> 00:09:49,222 Charlie, I'd like you to meet my parents. 215 00:09:53,393 --> 00:09:55,028 Hello. 216 00:10:01,769 --> 00:10:04,271 What if Dad says I can stay up to watch it? 217 00:10:04,337 --> 00:10:06,073 He won't. 218 00:10:06,139 --> 00:10:07,040 How do you know? 219 00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:08,742 Your father and I talk about these things, 220 00:10:08,809 --> 00:10:10,610 so don't try to play us against each other. 221 00:10:10,678 --> 00:10:14,314 I got to try. It's what I do. 222 00:10:15,415 --> 00:10:17,718 Hi! 223 00:10:17,785 --> 00:10:20,553 Hello. Is, uh, Alan here? 224 00:10:20,620 --> 00:10:23,857 Father Huggy Bear...! 225 00:10:24,591 --> 00:10:27,360 Yes, my child? 226 00:10:27,427 --> 00:10:29,362 You've got company. 227 00:10:29,429 --> 00:10:30,330 Alan? 228 00:10:31,665 --> 00:10:33,566 Stall 'em! Stall 'em! Stall 'em! 229 00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:35,102 KANDI: Okay. 230 00:10:35,769 --> 00:10:37,470 You must be Jake. 231 00:10:37,537 --> 00:10:38,538 Uh-huh. 232 00:10:38,605 --> 00:10:42,642 And you must be Jake's grandma. 233 00:10:42,710 --> 00:10:44,644 * Men. 234 00:10:46,546 --> 00:10:48,648 Judith, hi. 235 00:10:48,716 --> 00:10:50,751 Why don't you go watch some cartoons. 236 00:10:50,818 --> 00:10:53,386 Okay. Cool! 237 00:10:57,024 --> 00:10:59,760 Are you proud of yourself? What do you mean? 238 00:10:59,827 --> 00:11:01,628 Oh, please, she has to be half your age. 239 00:11:01,695 --> 00:11:03,096 Oh, that. 240 00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:05,799 Yeah, I am pretty proud of that. 241 00:11:05,866 --> 00:11:07,768 What could you possibly have in common? 242 00:11:07,835 --> 00:11:09,737 What do you talk about? 243 00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:11,705 Talk? To tell you the truth, 244 00:11:11,772 --> 00:11:14,074 we haven't really done a lot of talking. 245 00:11:14,141 --> 00:11:15,809 I mean, 246 00:11:15,876 --> 00:11:19,046 I-I did hear her confession. 247 00:11:19,112 --> 00:11:22,716 She's been a very bad girl. 248 00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:27,821 And I'm supposed to leave Jake here? 249 00:11:27,888 --> 00:11:29,289 What kind of message does that send him? 250 00:11:29,356 --> 00:11:31,792 I don't know, dreams can come true? 251 00:11:31,859 --> 00:11:35,095 Life is beautiful? There is a God? 252 00:11:36,864 --> 00:11:38,832 Father. 253 00:11:38,899 --> 00:11:40,801 I suppose you're the one that introduced Alan 254 00:11:40,868 --> 00:11:43,003 to that slutty little... Don't say it, Judith. 255 00:11:43,070 --> 00:11:45,505 You'll just be demeaning all women. 256 00:11:45,572 --> 00:11:47,040 And yes. 257 00:11:47,107 --> 00:11:50,010 Figures. Well, I don't want her around my son. 258 00:11:50,077 --> 00:11:52,012 Oh, really? So do I get to screen 259 00:11:52,079 --> 00:11:53,280 the men that you're dating? 260 00:11:53,346 --> 00:11:55,715 And let's not forget, I know about that guy 261 00:11:55,783 --> 00:11:57,317 who delivered the truckload of sod. 262 00:11:57,384 --> 00:11:58,485 What about him? 263 00:11:58,551 --> 00:12:00,053 It doesn't take two months 264 00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:03,023 to put down a new lawn, Judith. 265 00:12:03,090 --> 00:12:06,193 Sounds like she got laid before the sod did. 266 00:12:06,259 --> 00:12:10,097 I'm not gonna dignify that with a response. 267 00:12:10,998 --> 00:12:14,267 Watch out for crabgrass. 268 00:12:16,669 --> 00:12:20,473 So what's Kandi, a nun? 269 00:12:20,540 --> 00:12:22,342 Mm, Catholic school girl. 270 00:12:22,409 --> 00:12:24,644 Oh, excellent choice. 271 00:12:24,711 --> 00:12:27,514 Oh, uh, hey, how are things with Mia? 272 00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:29,182 Not bad. She forgives me. 273 00:12:29,249 --> 00:12:30,683 Introduced me to her parents. 274 00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:32,820 Oh, really? How'd that go? 275 00:12:32,886 --> 00:12:35,288 Well, you know, those things are always awkward. 276 00:12:35,355 --> 00:12:37,357 But the big news is, I'm taking Mia 277 00:12:37,424 --> 00:12:39,726 to the Bel Air Hotel tonight, where we will finally 278 00:12:39,793 --> 00:12:43,663 express our love for one another in the way that we were meant to. 279 00:12:43,730 --> 00:12:45,165 Drunk and in a hurry. 280 00:12:45,232 --> 00:12:46,033 You got it. 281 00:12:47,868 --> 00:12:51,304 * Men 282 00:12:51,371 --> 00:12:52,505 How's the caviar? 283 00:12:52,572 --> 00:12:53,540 It's perfect. 284 00:12:53,606 --> 00:12:55,008 Everything's perfect. 285 00:12:55,075 --> 00:12:56,810 Would you like me to build a fire? 286 00:12:56,877 --> 00:12:58,511 Oh, don't go to any trouble. 287 00:12:58,578 --> 00:12:59,779 It's no trouble. 288 00:13:03,350 --> 00:13:06,820 Luckily, I was a Boy Scout in Beverly Hills. 289 00:13:06,887 --> 00:13:08,455 Champagne? No, thanks. I want to be 290 00:13:08,521 --> 00:13:11,591 completely present for the first time we make love. 291 00:13:11,658 --> 00:13:14,261 Oh. Good for you. 292 00:13:14,327 --> 00:13:16,529 Don't you want to be present? 293 00:13:16,596 --> 00:13:19,532 Uh, well, within reason. 294 00:13:19,599 --> 00:13:20,901 Come on. 295 00:13:20,968 --> 00:13:24,838 What do you say we save the champagne? 296 00:13:24,905 --> 00:13:27,207 But I already opened it. 297 00:13:27,274 --> 00:13:29,642 Do you really need alcohol to make love to me? 298 00:13:29,709 --> 00:13:31,611 No, no. 299 00:13:31,678 --> 00:13:33,613 I don't need it. 300 00:13:33,680 --> 00:13:36,283 Well, then... 301 00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:41,588 Is something wrong? 302 00:13:41,654 --> 00:13:43,423 I don't know. 303 00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:45,058 I mean, 304 00:13:45,125 --> 00:13:47,194 we didn't hop into bed on the first date, 305 00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:49,096 we've gotten to know each other really well, 306 00:13:49,162 --> 00:13:52,532 we're not drinking-- it's all so new to me. 307 00:13:52,599 --> 00:13:54,401 That's what makes it special. 308 00:13:54,467 --> 00:13:57,370 I just don't want either of us to be disappointed 309 00:13:57,437 --> 00:14:00,874 because one of us might not be... 310 00:14:00,941 --> 00:14:02,775 throwing their "A" game tonight. 311 00:14:02,842 --> 00:14:03,877 Are you nervous? 312 00:14:03,944 --> 00:14:05,378 No, no, of course not. 313 00:14:05,445 --> 00:14:08,648 But, you know, of the two of us, only one can... 314 00:14:08,715 --> 00:14:10,250 fake an "A" game. 315 00:14:10,317 --> 00:14:13,486 There's nothing that you could do to disappoint me tonight, Charlie. 316 00:14:13,553 --> 00:14:17,224 No. It's what I can't do that might disappoint you. 317 00:14:17,290 --> 00:14:19,759 You just relax. I'll be right back. 318 00:14:19,826 --> 00:14:21,962 Okay. 319 00:15:20,153 --> 00:15:23,923 Why don't you put some music on. 320 00:15:25,458 --> 00:15:27,860 Okay. 321 00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:29,096 Should I ask? 322 00:15:29,162 --> 00:15:31,198 I wish you wouldn't. 323 00:15:35,002 --> 00:15:37,270 I'm not supposed to play this game, 324 00:15:37,337 --> 00:15:39,272 'cause my mom says it's too violent. 325 00:15:39,339 --> 00:15:40,907 It has to be violent. 326 00:15:40,974 --> 00:15:43,243 You can't negotiate with zombies. 327 00:15:43,310 --> 00:15:45,412 Don't tell me, tell her. 328 00:15:45,478 --> 00:15:47,614 I don't think she likes me. 329 00:15:47,680 --> 00:15:49,116 She doesn't really like anybody. 330 00:15:49,182 --> 00:15:52,719 Except the guy who keeps putting grass in our backyard. 331 00:15:55,288 --> 00:15:56,056 Okay... 332 00:15:56,123 --> 00:15:57,124 time for bed. 333 00:15:57,190 --> 00:15:59,692 Just a little longer? We're not sleepy! 334 00:16:00,593 --> 00:16:02,029 No, him. 335 00:16:02,095 --> 00:16:06,166 Oh... I get to stay up. 336 00:16:06,233 --> 00:16:08,968 That's not fair! Jake. 337 00:16:09,036 --> 00:16:11,638 Just 'cause she's a girl. 338 00:16:11,704 --> 00:16:12,839 Want to play? 339 00:16:12,905 --> 00:16:15,742 Oh, no, thanks. I-I thought maybe we could just talk. 340 00:16:15,808 --> 00:16:20,347 ( chain saw buzzing ) Hang on, let me just saw off this zombie's head. 341 00:16:20,413 --> 00:16:21,681 ( zombie shrieking ) 342 00:16:21,748 --> 00:16:23,550 Good Lord! 343 00:16:23,616 --> 00:16:24,917 There we go. 344 00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:27,620 Now let me save my work. 345 00:16:27,687 --> 00:16:29,489 Okay. All done. 346 00:16:29,556 --> 00:16:32,025 Want to have sex? 347 00:16:32,725 --> 00:16:34,594 Uh... 348 00:16:34,661 --> 00:16:36,129 Uh, actually, I-I do. 349 00:16:36,196 --> 00:16:39,066 Um, but, uh, maybe we could spend a little time 350 00:16:39,132 --> 00:16:40,867 getting to know each other first. 351 00:16:40,933 --> 00:16:42,669 All right. 352 00:16:42,735 --> 00:16:44,237 What do you want to know? 353 00:16:44,304 --> 00:16:48,775 Uh... well, do you have any brothers or sisters? 354 00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:51,211 I do not. How about you? 355 00:16:55,782 --> 00:16:57,650 Well... Charlie. 356 00:16:57,717 --> 00:17:01,054 Oh, right, Charlie. 357 00:17:04,991 --> 00:17:06,559 Uh, do you like to read? 358 00:17:06,626 --> 00:17:08,961 Oh, yeah, I love reading. Oh, great, great, me, too. 359 00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:10,830 Read anything good lately? 360 00:17:10,897 --> 00:17:16,869 You mean like books and magazines, not billboards and text messages, right? 361 00:17:16,936 --> 00:17:19,739 Yeah. 362 00:17:19,806 --> 00:17:22,442 Then no. 363 00:17:24,744 --> 00:17:27,780 Do menus count? 364 00:17:31,351 --> 00:17:33,353 Are you ready for me? 365 00:17:33,420 --> 00:17:38,558 Mia, if I were any more ready, I'd be done. 366 00:17:44,897 --> 00:17:46,099 ( laughs ) 367 00:17:46,166 --> 00:17:47,800 ( loud bang ) 368 00:17:47,867 --> 00:17:49,369 Sorry. Are you okay? 369 00:17:49,436 --> 00:17:51,070 I think so. Are you sure? 370 00:17:51,138 --> 00:17:53,473 Yeah, I'm fine. 371 00:17:55,142 --> 00:17:56,843 ( thump ) Ow! 372 00:18:12,859 --> 00:18:14,361 Are you okay? 373 00:18:14,427 --> 00:18:18,231 Yeah. But I think that's enough foreplay. 374 00:18:20,066 --> 00:18:23,436 See, the thing for me was that I never should have gotten married. 375 00:18:23,503 --> 00:18:25,738 I was young, I didn't know who I was, 376 00:18:25,805 --> 00:18:27,474 and, to be completely honest, 377 00:18:27,540 --> 00:18:29,876 I was just afraid of being alone. 378 00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:32,745 Wow. 379 00:18:32,812 --> 00:18:35,382 Can I share something with you? 380 00:18:35,448 --> 00:18:37,049 Uh, yes, please. This is communicating. 381 00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:38,218 This is how we connect. 382 00:18:38,285 --> 00:18:40,253 You shouldn't tell people that stuff. 383 00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:43,690 It makes you sound like a loser. 384 00:18:46,559 --> 00:18:49,629 No, it makes me sound like a real human being, 385 00:18:49,696 --> 00:18:52,899 a person with feelings and flaws. 386 00:18:57,704 --> 00:19:00,973 Tell you what, why don't we just go have sex. 387 00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:02,909 Finally! 388 00:19:05,578 --> 00:19:08,315 * Men 389 00:19:10,883 --> 00:19:13,386 Oh, cheer up. 390 00:19:13,453 --> 00:19:15,755 It wasn't that bad. 391 00:19:15,822 --> 00:19:19,592 There were... parts of it that I liked. 392 00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:23,396 Would you please not go over the game film now? 393 00:19:23,463 --> 00:19:25,698 What's the big deal? 394 00:19:25,765 --> 00:19:27,099 What's the big deal? 395 00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:30,136 This is supposed to be the part of the relationship that I'm good at. 396 00:19:30,203 --> 00:19:31,338 You are. 397 00:19:31,404 --> 00:19:33,773 It... was... fine. 398 00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:36,008 I don't want to hear "fine." 399 00:19:36,075 --> 00:19:37,944 I want to see your eyes roll back 400 00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:39,612 and the top of your head blow off. 401 00:19:39,679 --> 00:19:41,414 This isn't a carnival game, 402 00:19:41,481 --> 00:19:45,285 and the object is not just to swing your mallet and ring my bell. 403 00:19:45,352 --> 00:19:48,120 Well, we disagree. 404 00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:49,889 That's just your ego talking. 405 00:19:49,956 --> 00:19:51,524 Charlie, listen to me. 406 00:19:51,591 --> 00:19:54,861 I love you, not your money or your car or your house 407 00:19:54,927 --> 00:19:56,696 or your skills in bed. 408 00:19:56,763 --> 00:19:58,598 What's left?! 409 00:19:58,665 --> 00:20:00,900 Charlie... Oh, come on, come on. 410 00:20:00,967 --> 00:20:03,303 You're saying that if I was some pencil-weenied guy 411 00:20:03,370 --> 00:20:05,738 and living in a shack and taking the bus 412 00:20:05,805 --> 00:20:08,375 to my job selling oranges on the freeway off-ramp, 413 00:20:08,441 --> 00:20:09,942 you'd still love me? 414 00:20:10,009 --> 00:20:11,844 Yes, I would still love you. 415 00:20:11,911 --> 00:20:14,547 Okay. I understand now. 416 00:20:14,614 --> 00:20:16,783 Good. You're insane. 417 00:20:16,849 --> 00:20:19,386 Why, because I love the real you? 418 00:20:19,452 --> 00:20:23,590 No, no, because you think there is a real me. 419 00:20:23,656 --> 00:20:26,959 Would you believe I loved you if my eyes had rolled back 420 00:20:27,026 --> 00:20:28,761 and my head had blown off? 421 00:20:28,828 --> 00:20:29,762 It would be a start. 422 00:20:29,829 --> 00:20:35,435 All right, I guess we're just gonna have to try again. 423 00:20:38,170 --> 00:20:39,739 Hang on, hang on. How am I gonna know 424 00:20:39,806 --> 00:20:42,275 you're not faking it just to make me feel better? 425 00:20:42,342 --> 00:20:46,979 Honey, if I was gonna fake it, don't you think I would've done it the first time? 426 00:20:47,046 --> 00:20:48,915 Fair enough. 427 00:20:48,981 --> 00:20:50,817 * Men 428 00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:56,523 According to my girlfriend, 429 00:20:56,589 --> 00:20:59,426 underneath all the superficial cool stuff in my life, 430 00:20:59,492 --> 00:21:01,761 there's actually a real me. 431 00:21:01,828 --> 00:21:03,129 Hm, no kidding? 432 00:21:03,195 --> 00:21:05,298 Apparently, he's quite a guy. 433 00:21:05,365 --> 00:21:07,434 Well, I'd like to meet him sometime. 434 00:21:07,500 --> 00:21:09,469 Don't hold your breath. 435 00:21:10,537 --> 00:21:12,405 My girlfriend, on the other hand, 436 00:21:12,472 --> 00:21:14,641 has no idea who I really am, 437 00:21:14,707 --> 00:21:16,509 damn little desire to find out, 438 00:21:16,576 --> 00:21:18,411 and is only interested in riding me 439 00:21:18,478 --> 00:21:22,281 like a wild mustang and draining me of all bodily fluids. 440 00:21:22,349 --> 00:21:25,452 Oh. How do you feel about that? 441 00:21:26,353 --> 00:21:28,321 I think I love her. 442 00:21:28,388 --> 00:21:30,289 You know what? 443 00:21:30,357 --> 00:21:31,491 Love isn't blind, 444 00:21:31,558 --> 00:21:34,394 it's retarded.