1 00:00:01,735 --> 00:00:04,838 I just want to be clear that I am here as a last resort. 2 00:00:04,905 --> 00:00:06,374 I understand. 3 00:00:06,440 --> 00:00:09,377 I don't have a lot of faith in psychiatry as a science. 4 00:00:09,443 --> 00:00:13,281 I think some of the drugs you're pushing are interesting... 5 00:00:14,948 --> 00:00:19,520 and I'm all for messing around with brain chemistry. 6 00:00:19,587 --> 00:00:21,622 I mean, that's how I got through high school. 7 00:00:23,724 --> 00:00:24,725 But in my experience, 8 00:00:24,792 --> 00:00:28,129 popping pills doesn't relieve social anxiety 9 00:00:28,196 --> 00:00:32,166 quite as well as, say, bourbon and Marvin Gaye. 10 00:00:32,233 --> 00:00:33,334 Now I get it. 11 00:00:33,401 --> 00:00:36,537 You're desperate and I'm full of hooey. 12 00:00:37,971 --> 00:00:40,608 So in the words of Marvin Gaye... 13 00:00:40,674 --> 00:00:42,276 "What's goin' on?" 14 00:00:42,343 --> 00:00:45,045 Everything I say is confidential, right? 15 00:00:45,113 --> 00:00:47,748 Whatever you say, stays in this room. 16 00:00:47,815 --> 00:00:49,350 Kind of like Vegas. 17 00:00:49,417 --> 00:00:51,985 Well, except there's no way you're leaving here 18 00:00:52,052 --> 00:00:55,423 with more money than when you came in. 19 00:00:56,357 --> 00:00:58,559 Yeah, like Vegas. 20 00:00:59,593 --> 00:01:00,628 Anyway... 21 00:01:00,694 --> 00:01:04,265 last night I'm out with my stupid, lame-ass brother... 22 00:01:04,332 --> 00:01:07,901 Sounds like you've got some anger towards him. 23 00:01:07,968 --> 00:01:10,104 Oh, you're good. 24 00:01:12,806 --> 00:01:13,874 This is nice... 25 00:01:13,941 --> 00:01:15,843 you and me spending time together. 26 00:01:15,909 --> 00:01:17,778 Why don't we do this more often? 27 00:01:17,845 --> 00:01:19,413 I don't have an answer. 28 00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:20,414 Me neither. 29 00:01:20,481 --> 00:01:22,683 So how long till the movie starts? 30 00:01:22,750 --> 00:01:24,652 About 20 minutes. 31 00:01:24,718 --> 00:01:25,486 Yeah, sure. 32 00:01:25,553 --> 00:01:27,955 20 minutes, not counting previews and ads, 33 00:01:28,021 --> 00:01:30,691 the popcorn and the giant pretzel holding hands, 34 00:01:30,758 --> 00:01:33,093 the big soda drinking the little soda, 35 00:01:33,161 --> 00:01:34,362 which frankly is cannibalism, 36 00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:36,330 and the always welcome reminder 37 00:01:36,397 --> 00:01:38,299 to turn off your cell phones and shut up, 38 00:01:38,366 --> 00:01:40,301 but nobody ever does because, let's face it, 39 00:01:40,368 --> 00:01:42,203 good manners are just the latest casualty 40 00:01:42,270 --> 00:01:45,005 in the ongoing collapse of Western civilization. 41 00:01:45,072 --> 00:01:47,375 I now have an answer. 42 00:01:48,809 --> 00:01:50,978 I miss Jake. 43 00:01:51,044 --> 00:01:52,346 How can you miss him? 44 00:01:52,413 --> 00:01:54,882 We just dropped him off at his friend's house. 45 00:01:54,948 --> 00:01:57,518 By the way, if you ever get tired of those magazines 46 00:01:57,585 --> 00:02:00,921 under your bed, the kid's mom looked fairly do-able. 47 00:02:00,988 --> 00:02:03,357 Forget the mom. Did you see how happy Jake was 48 00:02:03,424 --> 00:02:05,092 to be spending the weekend away from me? 49 00:02:05,159 --> 00:02:06,394 Why would you think that? 50 00:02:06,460 --> 00:02:08,061 Just because he jumped out of the car 51 00:02:08,128 --> 00:02:09,397 while it was still moving? 52 00:02:09,463 --> 00:02:11,565 Come on, Alan, he was happy to see his friends. 53 00:02:11,632 --> 00:02:14,735 Being away from you is just gravy. 54 00:02:14,802 --> 00:02:15,936 I know. I know. 55 00:02:16,003 --> 00:02:18,306 It's natural for him to want to spend more time 56 00:02:18,372 --> 00:02:19,407 with his peers than his parents. 57 00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:23,944 But all the same, it's sad. 58 00:02:24,011 --> 00:02:24,945 Yeah. 59 00:02:25,012 --> 00:02:27,948 Sunrise, sunset. 60 00:02:28,015 --> 00:02:30,351 One day, you're holding a little baby in your arms, 61 00:02:30,418 --> 00:02:32,753 and the next day, he's off hocking loogies 62 00:02:32,820 --> 00:02:36,857 and lighting farts with a bunch of Ritalin-addled sixth graders. 63 00:02:36,924 --> 00:02:39,927 Why do I bother trying to share my feelings with you? 64 00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:40,628 I don't know. 65 00:02:40,694 --> 00:02:42,596 It's not like I encourage it. 66 00:02:43,231 --> 00:02:44,365 Oh, come on. 67 00:02:44,432 --> 00:02:46,367 So your kid doesn't need you like he used to. 68 00:02:46,434 --> 00:02:47,801 That's a good thing. 69 00:02:47,868 --> 00:02:50,137 You can spend your weekends enjoying yourself. 70 00:02:50,204 --> 00:02:51,939 That's true. 71 00:02:52,005 --> 00:02:55,343 And there's things I want to do that I haven't had time for. 72 00:02:55,409 --> 00:02:57,411 Like that kid's mom. 73 00:02:57,478 --> 00:03:00,414 No, no, I mean like reading-- 74 00:03:00,481 --> 00:03:02,350 finally cracking open the classics. 75 00:03:02,416 --> 00:03:04,252 Alan, if you want to crack something open, 76 00:03:04,318 --> 00:03:06,186 I recommend that kid's mom. 77 00:03:06,254 --> 00:03:08,589 No, no, I'm serious. 78 00:03:08,656 --> 00:03:11,259 For years, I have been wishing that I had time 79 00:03:11,325 --> 00:03:15,028 to read all the great books. 80 00:03:15,095 --> 00:03:16,397 Dostoyevsky, 81 00:03:16,464 --> 00:03:22,636 and Hemingway, Faulkner, and Dickens, and Shakespeare 82 00:03:22,703 --> 00:03:23,571 and history! 83 00:03:23,637 --> 00:03:26,807 History: U.S. history, world history, 84 00:03:26,874 --> 00:03:28,542 the history of language. 85 00:03:28,609 --> 00:03:31,512 I mean, why doesn't anyone speak Sumerian anymore? 86 00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:35,983 I don't know because I haven't read the book! 87 00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:38,051 And, oh, oh... 88 00:03:38,118 --> 00:03:38,686 poetry, poetry! 89 00:03:38,752 --> 00:03:41,322 Byron, and Keats, and Shelley! 90 00:03:41,389 --> 00:03:43,957 And biographies! Oh! 91 00:03:44,024 --> 00:03:48,896 Julius Caesar, and Abraham Lincoln, and, oh, Groucho Marx! 92 00:03:48,962 --> 00:03:50,264 I mean, look at them all! 93 00:03:50,331 --> 00:03:53,000 Look at them! They're mocking me! 94 00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:54,368 I haven't read any of them! 95 00:03:54,435 --> 00:03:57,638 Okay, well, just pick one for now. 96 00:03:57,705 --> 00:03:58,372 Why bother?! 97 00:03:58,439 --> 00:03:59,607 There's not enough time! 98 00:03:59,673 --> 00:04:02,443 There's too many books and not enough time! 99 00:04:02,510 --> 00:04:03,644 Maybe you just need a system. 100 00:04:03,711 --> 00:04:05,813 You know, put a book next to the toilet, 101 00:04:05,879 --> 00:04:07,981 and every couple days, you knock out a couple chapters. 102 00:04:08,048 --> 00:04:10,484 No, no! It's too late for me! 103 00:04:10,551 --> 00:04:13,454 There's not enough bowel movements left! 104 00:04:16,824 --> 00:04:19,226 Maybe you need to change your diet. 105 00:04:19,293 --> 00:04:20,494 No, it's hopeless! 106 00:04:20,561 --> 00:04:22,830 Jake will be grown up soon and I'll be dead. 107 00:04:22,896 --> 00:04:24,798 And you know what I'll have left behind? 108 00:04:24,865 --> 00:04:28,769 A life of unfulfilled dreams, a shelf of unread books, 109 00:04:28,836 --> 00:04:33,006 and three unopened seasons of Six Feet Under on DVD. 110 00:04:35,709 --> 00:04:36,910 So what are you doing tonight? 111 00:04:36,977 --> 00:04:40,948 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 112 00:04:41,014 --> 00:04:43,984 * Ah * Men * 113 00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:46,253 All right. 114 00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:47,688 So your brother had a panic attack 115 00:04:47,755 --> 00:04:49,523 in the middle of a bookstore. 116 00:04:49,590 --> 00:04:51,692 How'd that make you feel? 117 00:04:51,759 --> 00:04:55,563 What the hell do my feelings have to do with anything? 118 00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:58,532 Why don't you just humor me? 119 00:04:58,599 --> 00:05:00,901 Well, I felt a little ashamed. 120 00:05:00,968 --> 00:05:03,704 Because you felt that his behavior reflected on you? 121 00:05:03,771 --> 00:05:06,940 No, because I left him there. 122 00:05:07,007 --> 00:05:09,009 You left him? 123 00:05:09,076 --> 00:05:11,945 Not permanently. 124 00:05:12,012 --> 00:05:14,748 I came back and got him after he was all cried out 125 00:05:14,815 --> 00:05:16,283 and it was time for the movie. 126 00:05:16,350 --> 00:05:17,851 So you still went to the movie? 127 00:05:17,918 --> 00:05:19,853 Yeah, I bought the tickets online. 128 00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:21,722 They don't refund those. 129 00:05:29,029 --> 00:05:31,732 Red Vine? 130 00:05:31,799 --> 00:05:32,933 No, thank you. 131 00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:34,001 I am so sorry. 132 00:05:34,067 --> 00:05:35,503 I don't know what came over me. 133 00:05:35,569 --> 00:05:36,504 Nah. 134 00:05:36,570 --> 00:05:37,971 Who among us hasn't collapsed, weeping, 135 00:05:38,038 --> 00:05:40,808 in the middle of a bookstore for no apparent reason? 136 00:05:40,874 --> 00:05:43,911 You know, I think maybe I'd be better off at home. 137 00:05:43,977 --> 00:05:46,880 So I'm supposed to miss the movie 138 00:05:46,947 --> 00:05:49,116 just because you had a nervous breakdown? 139 00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:50,918 Well, kind of. 140 00:05:50,984 --> 00:05:54,087 Don't you think that's a little selfish, Alan? 141 00:05:54,154 --> 00:05:57,124 It's just, all of a sudden, 142 00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:59,927 I felt crushed by this unbelievable sense of grief, 143 00:05:59,993 --> 00:06:04,297 like my entire life has been an exercise in pathetic futility. 144 00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:06,133 Well, I wouldn't rule it out. 145 00:06:07,234 --> 00:06:09,236 Come on, bunky, cheer up. 146 00:06:09,302 --> 00:06:10,237 Have a Red Vine. 147 00:06:10,303 --> 00:06:12,039 I don't want a Red Vine. 148 00:06:12,105 --> 00:06:13,073 Sno-Cap? 149 00:06:13,140 --> 00:06:14,074 No. 150 00:06:14,141 --> 00:06:15,075 Raisinets? 151 00:06:15,142 --> 00:06:15,876 No. 152 00:06:15,943 --> 00:06:17,411 Goober? How much crap did you buy?! 153 00:06:17,478 --> 00:06:19,513 They couldn't change a hundred. 154 00:06:23,183 --> 00:06:25,252 All right, I'll have a Junior Mint. 155 00:06:25,318 --> 00:06:27,855 I didn't get Junior Mints. 156 00:06:29,256 --> 00:06:31,158 Of course not. 157 00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:32,693 Story of my life. 158 00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:36,229 No Junior Mints for Alan... just Goobers. 159 00:06:36,296 --> 00:06:38,231 Goobers, Goobers, Goobers. 160 00:06:38,298 --> 00:06:40,100 Alan, be quiet. 161 00:06:40,167 --> 00:06:41,535 Why? Why? 162 00:06:41,602 --> 00:06:43,103 The first amendment gives me the right 163 00:06:43,170 --> 00:06:45,105 to yell "Goobers" in a crowded theater. 164 00:06:45,172 --> 00:06:47,207 Goobers! 165 00:06:47,274 --> 00:06:48,742 Hey, look. 166 00:06:48,809 --> 00:06:51,244 Movie quiz. Let's play the movie quiz. I don't want 167 00:06:51,311 --> 00:06:52,279 to play the movie quiz. 168 00:06:52,345 --> 00:06:53,213 Come on, it'll be fun. 169 00:06:53,280 --> 00:06:54,414 I'll bet you're good at it. 170 00:06:54,482 --> 00:06:55,583 All right, all right. 171 00:06:55,649 --> 00:06:57,585 "Debra Winger and Richard Gere starred 172 00:06:57,651 --> 00:06:59,319 in An Officer and a blank." 173 00:06:59,386 --> 00:07:01,154 Oh, please! 174 00:07:01,221 --> 00:07:03,156 You need a hint? 175 00:07:03,223 --> 00:07:05,325 There's a hint upside down in the corner. 176 00:07:05,392 --> 00:07:07,127 No, I don't need a hint! 177 00:07:07,194 --> 00:07:08,128 I know the answer! 178 00:07:08,195 --> 00:07:09,563 Everybody here knows the answer! 179 00:07:09,630 --> 00:07:12,165 Everybody on the planet knows the answer! 180 00:07:12,232 --> 00:07:13,166 We're not stupid! 181 00:07:13,233 --> 00:07:14,167 Chill, chill. 182 00:07:14,234 --> 00:07:16,904 Oh, wait, here's another brain teaser. 183 00:07:16,970 --> 00:07:19,039 "Steven Spielberg directed this modern retelling 184 00:07:19,106 --> 00:07:22,342 of the H.G. Wells classic War of the blank." 185 00:07:22,409 --> 00:07:24,244 Uh, uh, couch! 186 00:07:24,311 --> 00:07:25,278 War of the Couch! 187 00:07:25,345 --> 00:07:26,279 Stop it. 188 00:07:26,346 --> 00:07:27,581 Oh, no, no, I got it! 189 00:07:27,648 --> 00:07:29,349 War of the blow it out your ...! 190 00:07:29,416 --> 00:07:31,451 You know, maybe you're right. 191 00:07:31,519 --> 00:07:32,452 Maybe we should go. 192 00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:34,021 Wait, no, I know this one. 193 00:07:34,087 --> 00:07:37,424 "Johnny Depp cruised to success in this comedy-action film 194 00:07:37,491 --> 00:07:39,459 inspired by a Disneyland attraction." 195 00:07:39,527 --> 00:07:42,229 Pirates of the blow it out your ...! 196 00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:44,131 He's behind on his reading. 197 00:07:44,197 --> 00:07:46,166 Oh, oh, and let's not forget Judy Garland 198 00:07:46,233 --> 00:07:51,471 in that immortal classic The Wizard of blow it out your ...! 199 00:07:51,539 --> 00:07:53,473 That sounds like quite an episode. 200 00:07:53,541 --> 00:07:55,408 Is your brother seeing a therapist? 201 00:07:55,475 --> 00:07:57,578 How would I know? 202 00:07:57,645 --> 00:07:59,513 He's your brother. 203 00:07:59,580 --> 00:08:01,014 He lives with you. 204 00:08:01,081 --> 00:08:02,449 So? 205 00:08:02,516 --> 00:08:05,819 All right, go ahead. 206 00:08:05,886 --> 00:08:07,220 Just because I took him in 207 00:08:07,287 --> 00:08:08,656 doesn't mean I have to listen to him. 208 00:08:08,722 --> 00:08:10,123 I understand. 209 00:08:10,190 --> 00:08:14,061 He just whines about the same crap over and over. 210 00:08:14,127 --> 00:08:14,728 Okay. 211 00:08:14,795 --> 00:08:17,064 It's not even interesting crap. 212 00:08:18,365 --> 00:08:21,501 It's the crap that bores the crap out of crap. 213 00:08:21,569 --> 00:08:22,502 I got it. 214 00:08:22,570 --> 00:08:24,371 It's crap. Go ahead. 215 00:08:24,437 --> 00:08:26,406 Thank you. 216 00:08:26,473 --> 00:08:30,844 So we're driving home and... 217 00:08:35,683 --> 00:08:39,252 This seat is very comfortable. 218 00:08:39,319 --> 00:08:43,090 Genuine leather, nine-way adjustable, lumbar support... 219 00:08:43,156 --> 00:08:44,858 I wish I'd spent a few extra bucks 220 00:08:44,925 --> 00:08:47,094 and gotten the ejection package. 221 00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:49,262 I said I was sorry. 222 00:08:49,329 --> 00:08:52,165 They don't refund those tickets, Alan. 223 00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:55,903 I want to go see Jake. 224 00:08:55,969 --> 00:08:58,071 Why? He's at a sleepover. 225 00:08:58,138 --> 00:09:01,374 I just got this feeling that he needs me. 226 00:09:01,441 --> 00:09:03,410 Really? Some sort of telepathic thing? 227 00:09:03,476 --> 00:09:04,411 Exactly. 228 00:09:04,477 --> 00:09:06,880 I see. 229 00:09:06,947 --> 00:09:07,781 Ow! 230 00:09:07,848 --> 00:09:09,449 Did you know I was gonna do that? 231 00:09:09,516 --> 00:09:10,684 No. 232 00:09:10,751 --> 00:09:14,454 Then I wouldn't trust your psychic powers. 233 00:09:14,521 --> 00:09:15,422 Come on. 234 00:09:15,488 --> 00:09:17,224 We can just stop by for a few minutes. 235 00:09:17,290 --> 00:09:20,794 We have time now since we decided to skip the movie. 236 00:09:20,861 --> 00:09:23,063 Oh, we decided that, did we? 237 00:09:23,130 --> 00:09:24,932 That's the way it went down for you, huh? 238 00:09:24,998 --> 00:09:26,867 That's how you interpret recent events?! 239 00:09:26,934 --> 00:09:28,736 Whoa, whoa, settle down. 240 00:09:28,802 --> 00:09:30,604 You're acting like a crazy person. 241 00:09:30,671 --> 00:09:31,672 Me?! 242 00:09:31,739 --> 00:09:32,973 I'm acting like a crazy person?! 243 00:09:33,040 --> 00:09:35,542 Are you freaking kidding me?! 244 00:09:35,609 --> 00:09:36,844 Listen to yourself. 245 00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:39,647 You're getting a little scary right now. 246 00:09:41,148 --> 00:09:44,484 Okay, fine, you want to see the kid, we'll go see the kid. 247 00:09:44,551 --> 00:09:47,087 Thank you. 248 00:09:47,154 --> 00:09:48,722 Is that so hard? 249 00:09:55,162 --> 00:09:58,098 Charlie... the road. 250 00:10:02,535 --> 00:10:04,672 Please. 251 00:10:07,908 --> 00:10:09,409 You know, when you have kids, 252 00:10:09,476 --> 00:10:11,879 you find that there's a deep spiritual connection. 253 00:10:11,945 --> 00:10:14,314 You feel an actual tug when your child needs you. 254 00:10:14,381 --> 00:10:15,115 ( doorbell rings ) 255 00:10:15,182 --> 00:10:16,249 Interesting. 256 00:10:16,316 --> 00:10:18,852 What do you feel when your brother hates you? 257 00:10:18,919 --> 00:10:20,888 ( kids yelling ) 258 00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:22,589 Alan. Is everything okay? 259 00:10:22,656 --> 00:10:23,623 Oh, yeah, fine. 260 00:10:23,691 --> 00:10:26,093 I just need to see Jake for a minute. 261 00:10:26,159 --> 00:10:27,094 He's feeling a tug. 262 00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:28,128 Tug? 263 00:10:28,195 --> 00:10:29,196 Or it could be gas. 264 00:10:29,262 --> 00:10:31,932 We're not sure. 265 00:10:31,999 --> 00:10:33,834 Could you just call Jake? 266 00:10:33,901 --> 00:10:36,970 Jake! Your father's here! 267 00:10:37,037 --> 00:10:38,538 Put that down, Timmy! 268 00:10:38,605 --> 00:10:39,639 What? 269 00:10:39,707 --> 00:10:42,175 I just wanted to see if you were okay. 270 00:10:43,276 --> 00:10:43,977 Oh, great. 271 00:10:44,044 --> 00:10:45,713 Now I'm dead! Thanks a lot! 272 00:10:45,779 --> 00:10:49,683 Doesn't count! I was talking to my stupid dad! 273 00:10:49,750 --> 00:10:54,755 Well, it seems like you've got everything under control. 274 00:10:54,822 --> 00:10:56,523 Actually, I ran out of ice cream. 275 00:10:56,589 --> 00:10:57,891 Do you think you could 276 00:10:57,958 --> 00:11:00,093 keep an eye on the kids for a few minutes? 277 00:11:00,160 --> 00:11:01,328 Uh... Thanks a million. 278 00:11:01,394 --> 00:11:03,296 I'll be right back. 279 00:11:03,363 --> 00:11:04,297 ( car door slams ) 280 00:11:04,364 --> 00:11:05,298 ( engine starts ) 281 00:11:05,365 --> 00:11:08,301 ( tires screech ) 282 00:11:14,374 --> 00:11:17,344 She ain't coming back. 283 00:11:17,410 --> 00:11:18,345 CHARLIE: Three hours 284 00:11:18,411 --> 00:11:20,147 she was gone. 285 00:11:21,081 --> 00:11:22,615 And when she finally came back, 286 00:11:22,682 --> 00:11:26,019 she was reeking of Old Spice and pot. 287 00:11:26,086 --> 00:11:26,954 I see. 288 00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:29,256 And she didn't even have any ice cream! 289 00:11:29,322 --> 00:11:33,827 All right, let's stop here for a minute and talk in general 290 00:11:33,894 --> 00:11:37,064 about your feelings towards women. 291 00:11:37,130 --> 00:11:39,132 No, thanks. 292 00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:40,667 Rather discuss your childhood? 293 00:11:40,734 --> 00:11:41,268 Nope. 294 00:11:41,334 --> 00:11:41,701 Father? 295 00:11:41,769 --> 00:11:42,302 Dead. 296 00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:42,836 Mother? 297 00:11:42,903 --> 00:11:44,437 Killed him. 298 00:11:44,504 --> 00:11:46,273 Would you like to discuss that? 299 00:11:46,339 --> 00:11:47,540 We just did. 300 00:11:47,607 --> 00:11:50,878 Charlie, I'm not sure we're on the same page here. 301 00:11:50,944 --> 00:11:53,380 Have you ever been in therapy before? 302 00:11:53,446 --> 00:11:56,483 Does massage therapy count? 303 00:11:56,549 --> 00:11:57,818 No. 304 00:11:57,885 --> 00:11:59,652 It's almost the same thing. 305 00:11:59,719 --> 00:12:02,455 One on one with a strange woman who charges you for an hour 306 00:12:02,522 --> 00:12:05,993 then only gives you 50 minutes. 307 00:12:06,059 --> 00:12:08,395 Why don't we just go back to your story? 308 00:12:08,461 --> 00:12:11,398 Touch a nerve there, did I? 309 00:12:13,700 --> 00:12:15,302 Okay, okay. 310 00:12:15,368 --> 00:12:18,338 Well, Jake ignored his father the entire time we were there, 311 00:12:18,405 --> 00:12:22,442 so Alan was a little upset when we got back in the car. 312 00:12:22,509 --> 00:12:23,676 He hates me! 313 00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:26,213 My only son hates me! 314 00:12:26,279 --> 00:12:27,380 He doesn't hate you. 315 00:12:27,447 --> 00:12:29,850 He just didn't appreciate you telling his friends 316 00:12:29,917 --> 00:12:33,453 that laser tag can induce epileptic fits. 317 00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:34,354 Well, it can. 318 00:12:34,421 --> 00:12:35,555 Be that as it may, 319 00:12:35,622 --> 00:12:37,290 you probably could've gotten your point across 320 00:12:37,357 --> 00:12:38,859 without flopping around on the floor, 321 00:12:38,926 --> 00:12:40,127 rolling your eyes up 322 00:12:40,193 --> 00:12:41,962 and pretending to swallow your tongue. 323 00:12:42,029 --> 00:12:45,365 Hey, hey, a-a picture is worth a thousand... 324 00:12:46,934 --> 00:12:49,202 Charlie, stop the car. 325 00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:50,270 Why? 326 00:12:50,337 --> 00:12:52,272 I have to get out. I... I'm feeling claustrophobic. 327 00:12:52,339 --> 00:12:54,574 There's no place to stop. We have to stop! 328 00:12:54,641 --> 00:12:56,576 Where? 329 00:12:56,643 --> 00:12:57,644 I-I can't breathe! 330 00:12:57,710 --> 00:12:59,079 I can't breathe. I-I have to get out. 331 00:12:59,146 --> 00:13:00,914 Okay... I have to get out now, now, now, now! 332 00:13:00,981 --> 00:13:02,715 Okay, hold on, hold on. 333 00:13:02,782 --> 00:13:05,152 ( groans ) 334 00:13:05,218 --> 00:13:06,053 Oh! 335 00:13:06,119 --> 00:13:07,620 The seat belt won't come off. 336 00:13:07,687 --> 00:13:09,122 Just push the button. 337 00:13:09,189 --> 00:13:11,058 I can't, I can't. It won't come off. Help me! 338 00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:13,526 Okay, okay, move your hands. 339 00:13:13,593 --> 00:13:15,929 ( loud panting ) 340 00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:19,632 Okay. 341 00:13:19,699 --> 00:13:21,134 It's passing. 342 00:13:21,201 --> 00:13:23,770 Yes, it's... Yes, I-I'm okay. 343 00:13:23,837 --> 00:13:24,804 No, you're not. 344 00:13:24,872 --> 00:13:25,472 What? 345 00:13:25,538 --> 00:13:26,506 Get out. 346 00:13:26,573 --> 00:13:26,874 What? 347 00:13:26,940 --> 00:13:28,075 Get out now! 348 00:13:28,141 --> 00:13:30,543 Now, now, now, now, now! 349 00:13:35,916 --> 00:13:37,784 ( sighs ) 350 00:13:37,851 --> 00:13:40,253 That's better. 351 00:13:41,354 --> 00:13:44,257 * Men. 352 00:13:49,129 --> 00:13:51,464 He couldn't believe it, either. 353 00:13:51,531 --> 00:13:53,066 ( chuckles ) 354 00:13:53,133 --> 00:13:57,037 You should have seen his face in the rearview mirror. 355 00:13:57,104 --> 00:13:58,471 All right, Charlie, we've been talking 356 00:13:58,538 --> 00:14:00,507 for quite a while, and I got to tell you, 357 00:14:00,573 --> 00:14:03,944 I still don't understand why you came to see me. 358 00:14:04,011 --> 00:14:05,478 You in a hurry? 359 00:14:06,513 --> 00:14:07,847 Doesn't that undermine your whole 360 00:14:07,915 --> 00:14:10,283 pay by the hour business model? 361 00:14:11,952 --> 00:14:13,620 Go ahead. 362 00:14:13,686 --> 00:14:14,854 Thank you. 363 00:14:14,922 --> 00:14:16,456 So, as I was driving away, 364 00:14:16,523 --> 00:14:19,159 I decided I needed a little quiet time 365 00:14:19,226 --> 00:14:22,029 for, you know, reflection and meditation. 366 00:14:30,637 --> 00:14:32,205 Hey. 367 00:14:32,272 --> 00:14:35,075 Hey. What took you so long? 368 00:14:35,976 --> 00:14:37,677 I was sure you'd come back. 369 00:14:37,744 --> 00:14:42,315 Huh. I guess that's case closed on the telepathy stuff. 370 00:14:43,984 --> 00:14:45,285 What are you drinking? 371 00:14:45,352 --> 00:14:48,155 I don't know. Something soothing. 372 00:14:48,221 --> 00:14:50,190 Uh, uh, Kahlua and cream? 373 00:14:50,257 --> 00:14:51,591 He's kidding. Give him a beer. 374 00:14:51,658 --> 00:14:54,027 Must you always embarrass me? 375 00:14:54,094 --> 00:14:57,364 I've had a traumatic night. 376 00:14:57,430 --> 00:15:00,167 Yeah, Yeah, okay, shut up, shut up, shut up. 377 00:15:01,969 --> 00:15:03,603 Hi. 378 00:15:03,670 --> 00:15:04,737 Hi. 379 00:15:04,804 --> 00:15:05,738 Yeah, hi. 380 00:15:05,805 --> 00:15:07,174 Can we buy you ladies a drink? 381 00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:09,509 No, thanks. We're already pretty blitzed. 382 00:15:09,576 --> 00:15:12,312 Boy, are we blitzed. 383 00:15:12,379 --> 00:15:13,613 Perfect. 384 00:15:14,847 --> 00:15:16,716 I'm Charlie. This is Alan. 385 00:15:16,783 --> 00:15:18,085 Amy. Beth. 386 00:15:18,151 --> 00:15:19,386 Nice to meet you. 387 00:15:19,452 --> 00:15:20,853 How's it going tonight? 388 00:15:20,920 --> 00:15:22,022 Pretty good. 389 00:15:22,089 --> 00:15:23,356 We're blitzed. 390 00:15:24,591 --> 00:15:25,525 How about you? 391 00:15:25,592 --> 00:15:28,061 Yeah, how you doin'? 392 00:15:28,128 --> 00:15:29,429 Oh, boy. Where to start? 393 00:15:29,496 --> 00:15:31,298 No one's talking to you. 394 00:15:31,364 --> 00:15:33,100 What's the matter, Alan? 395 00:15:33,166 --> 00:15:34,301 Yeah, what's the matter? 396 00:15:34,367 --> 00:15:36,336 Well, you-you really want to know? 397 00:15:36,403 --> 00:15:39,239 They don't. Trust me, you really don't. 398 00:15:39,306 --> 00:15:41,541 Well, maybe it's a-a late reaction 399 00:15:41,608 --> 00:15:45,278 to the divorce, uh, maybe it's my son not needing me 400 00:15:45,345 --> 00:15:47,314 so much now that he's growing up, but... 401 00:15:47,380 --> 00:15:49,249 But I think... I think it's more than that. 402 00:15:49,316 --> 00:15:52,952 I-I...I think it's just life grinding me down, and I just... 403 00:15:53,020 --> 00:15:56,089 ( teary ): I don't think I can take it anymore. 404 00:15:56,156 --> 00:15:58,091 Oh, you poor baby. 405 00:15:58,158 --> 00:15:59,659 Poor, poor baby. 406 00:15:59,726 --> 00:16:03,396 Tell us all about it. 407 00:16:03,463 --> 00:16:05,332 Well, I was never a happy child. 408 00:16:05,398 --> 00:16:08,235 I was a miserable kid. 409 00:16:08,301 --> 00:16:10,370 And-And-And the only thing 410 00:16:10,437 --> 00:16:12,805 that gave my life meaning was my son. 411 00:16:12,872 --> 00:16:15,242 At least you've got a son. 412 00:16:16,343 --> 00:16:18,445 I've got nothing except... 413 00:16:18,511 --> 00:16:20,713 epilepsy. 414 00:16:21,748 --> 00:16:24,151 Oh, no. Really? Oh, no. 415 00:16:32,392 --> 00:16:35,128 CHARLIE: So anyway, there I was on the wedding day 416 00:16:35,195 --> 00:16:37,864 in front of the priest and all our friends, 417 00:16:37,930 --> 00:16:41,434 flopping around on the altar like an epileptic trout, 418 00:16:41,501 --> 00:16:44,271 when I heard her father say, 419 00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:46,606 "You can't marry this man. 420 00:16:46,673 --> 00:16:48,208 He's damaged goods." 421 00:16:48,275 --> 00:16:50,577 Oh, gee. Yeah. 422 00:16:50,643 --> 00:16:52,412 Oh, gee. 423 00:16:52,479 --> 00:16:54,847 That's when I realized that all the money in the world-- 424 00:16:54,914 --> 00:16:57,417 and I do have a lot-- 425 00:16:57,484 --> 00:17:02,289 can't replace that special tug you feel... 426 00:17:03,590 --> 00:17:05,658 when someone loves you unconditionally. 427 00:17:05,725 --> 00:17:06,659 Oh! 428 00:17:06,726 --> 00:17:07,827 Oh! 429 00:17:07,894 --> 00:17:09,162 Look, that's the ocean. 430 00:17:09,229 --> 00:17:10,363 Ooh, the ocean. 431 00:17:10,430 --> 00:17:11,598 Let's go skinny dipping. Yeah, skinny dipping. 432 00:17:11,664 --> 00:17:13,533 You want to come? Yeah, come with us. 433 00:17:14,567 --> 00:17:16,736 I'd love to, but I'm too sad, 434 00:17:16,803 --> 00:17:18,738 and I might swallow my tongue. 435 00:17:18,805 --> 00:17:20,073 You two go. 436 00:17:20,140 --> 00:17:22,809 Swim, splash, frolic, 437 00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:24,777 enjoy the healthy bodies. 438 00:17:24,844 --> 00:17:26,846 Okay. Bye. 439 00:17:26,913 --> 00:17:27,747 ( giggling ) 440 00:17:27,814 --> 00:17:29,749 Have you no shame? 441 00:17:29,816 --> 00:17:30,850 Let me think. 442 00:17:30,917 --> 00:17:32,752 Nope. Just a tug. 443 00:17:32,819 --> 00:17:33,753 Now that's another thing. 444 00:17:33,820 --> 00:17:34,687 My angst is real. 445 00:17:34,754 --> 00:17:36,256 I-I do not appreciate you taking my tug 446 00:17:36,323 --> 00:17:38,024 and using it to get in someone's pants. 447 00:17:38,091 --> 00:17:41,428 News flash, Alan-- they're already out of their pants. 448 00:17:42,662 --> 00:17:44,030 And they're gonna come back cold, wet, 449 00:17:44,097 --> 00:17:45,698 and in desperate need of body beat. 450 00:17:45,765 --> 00:17:47,800 Which means for those of us with normal skin temperature, 451 00:17:47,867 --> 00:17:50,069 it'll be a seller's market. 452 00:17:50,137 --> 00:17:51,771 You're unbelievable. 453 00:17:51,838 --> 00:17:52,705 No, I just think ahead. 454 00:17:52,772 --> 00:17:53,773 They're only gonna last 455 00:17:53,840 --> 00:17:55,575 about two seconds in that water, so we have to hurry. 456 00:17:55,642 --> 00:17:57,644 I'll get the wine, you light some candles, 457 00:17:57,710 --> 00:18:01,080 get a little ambiance going. I'm sorry, I'm really not in the mood. 458 00:18:01,148 --> 00:18:03,716 Are you saying that I have to get you liquored up 459 00:18:03,783 --> 00:18:05,352 so I can get laid? 460 00:18:05,418 --> 00:18:08,921 All right, I'll go along, but only as a favor to you. 461 00:18:08,988 --> 00:18:10,557 Thank you. 462 00:18:10,623 --> 00:18:12,892 I'm probably gonna have to apply the condom 463 00:18:12,959 --> 00:18:13,793 and get a rope and pulley 464 00:18:13,860 --> 00:18:16,429 to lower one of those broads onto him. 465 00:18:18,865 --> 00:18:21,901 Since you're making me do this, I get Amy. 466 00:18:21,968 --> 00:18:23,703 The hell you do! 467 00:18:23,770 --> 00:18:24,804 Which one's Amy? 468 00:18:24,871 --> 00:18:28,341 Amy's the one who overcame the eating disorder. 469 00:18:28,408 --> 00:18:31,043 Starving herself or throwing up? 470 00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:34,046 Does it make a difference? 471 00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:35,882 It does if you're paying for dinner. 472 00:18:35,948 --> 00:18:36,983 Amy is the brunette. 473 00:18:37,049 --> 00:18:39,018 Got it. So I have Jennifer. 474 00:18:39,085 --> 00:18:40,887 You mean Beth. 475 00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:42,489 Right, right, "B" for blonde. 476 00:18:42,555 --> 00:18:45,124 "B" can also be for brunette. 477 00:18:45,192 --> 00:18:46,426 But Amy's the brunette. 478 00:18:46,493 --> 00:18:49,128 So you could do "A" for anorexic. 479 00:18:49,196 --> 00:18:51,798 Unless it's "B" for bulimic. 480 00:18:51,864 --> 00:18:52,999 Good point. 481 00:18:53,065 --> 00:18:55,067 We're gonna need a new system. 482 00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:57,437 Do you smell something? 483 00:18:57,504 --> 00:18:59,872 ( sniffs ): Yeah, what is that? 484 00:19:06,346 --> 00:19:09,416 I think you do these things just to piss me off. 485 00:19:12,185 --> 00:19:13,720 Oh my God, what happened? 486 00:19:13,786 --> 00:19:15,722 Well, while I was trying to put it out, 487 00:19:15,788 --> 00:19:18,157 my brother stupidly called the fire department. 488 00:19:18,225 --> 00:19:19,559 Why was that stupid? 489 00:19:19,626 --> 00:19:23,062 Have you seen a Malibu fireman recently? 490 00:19:23,129 --> 00:19:26,165 They're all young, buff surfer dudes 491 00:19:26,233 --> 00:19:28,201 whippin' their big hoses around. 492 00:19:29,602 --> 00:19:31,371 Amy and Beth jumped on their hook and ladder 493 00:19:31,438 --> 00:19:33,105 like a couple of Dalmatians. 494 00:19:33,172 --> 00:19:35,642 I never saw 'em again. 495 00:19:35,708 --> 00:19:37,910 Ah yes, the Malibu fire department. 496 00:19:37,977 --> 00:19:38,945 I have several patients 497 00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:42,181 who compulsively masturbate to their calendar. 498 00:19:42,249 --> 00:19:43,216 No kidding. 499 00:19:43,283 --> 00:19:46,253 Both sexes. 500 00:19:46,319 --> 00:19:47,887 So anyway, Charlie, I'm still not clear 501 00:19:47,954 --> 00:19:49,989 on what it is you would like me to help you with. 502 00:19:50,056 --> 00:19:53,293 Uh, your anger issues, your sexual issues, 503 00:19:53,360 --> 00:19:54,361 your drinking. 504 00:19:54,427 --> 00:19:57,297 No, no, no, no, that's all cool. 505 00:19:57,364 --> 00:20:00,733 Then tell me, why are you here? 506 00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:05,004 Okay. Well, I'm here to lay some groundwork for the future. 507 00:20:05,071 --> 00:20:06,506 Some groundwork? 508 00:20:06,573 --> 00:20:09,342 Yeah. I've come to realize that there's a very good chance 509 00:20:09,409 --> 00:20:13,280 that I might some day snap and kill my brother. 510 00:20:14,947 --> 00:20:18,385 And I figure, if I'm already under a psychiatrist's care, 511 00:20:18,451 --> 00:20:22,088 then I can always cop an insanity plea. 512 00:20:22,154 --> 00:20:25,492 You're thinking of killing your brother? 513 00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:27,494 Shh! 514 00:20:28,495 --> 00:20:32,231 Doctor-patient confidentiality. 515 00:20:34,301 --> 00:20:36,969 * Men. 516 00:20:39,972 --> 00:20:41,874 Check in the drawer by the coffee machine. 517 00:20:41,941 --> 00:20:43,943 Hey, what do you think of this for the new drapes? 518 00:20:45,978 --> 00:20:47,814 Too small. 519 00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:50,483 I don't know. I think it's kind of cheerful. 520 00:20:50,550 --> 00:20:52,752 I'll put it in the maybe pile. 521 00:20:53,820 --> 00:20:55,522 You do that. 522 00:20:55,588 --> 00:20:57,390 You know, we're also gonna have 523 00:20:57,457 --> 00:20:59,292 to reupholster the couch. 524 00:20:59,359 --> 00:21:00,393 You think? 525 00:21:00,460 --> 00:21:01,861 Well, there was a lot of water damage, 526 00:21:01,928 --> 00:21:03,496 which, quite frankly, I think was the result 527 00:21:03,563 --> 00:21:05,765 of the firemen showing off for the girls. 528 00:21:05,832 --> 00:21:08,134 You could be right. 529 00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:09,969 You know, 530 00:21:10,036 --> 00:21:12,639 I-I just want to tell you, I-I really appreciate 531 00:21:12,705 --> 00:21:14,641 you stickin' by me in the past couple of days, 532 00:21:14,707 --> 00:21:16,576 you know, pulling me out of my funk. 533 00:21:16,643 --> 00:21:19,412 You really are a great brother. 534 00:21:20,680 --> 00:21:22,415 I don't know what I'd do without you. 535 00:21:22,482 --> 00:21:25,418 I don't know what I'd do without you, either. 536 00:21:28,488 --> 00:21:31,991 But, golly, it's sure fun to think about.