1 00:00:06,907 --> 00:00:08,609 Uh-oh. 2 00:00:10,611 --> 00:00:11,879 Good morning. 3 00:00:11,945 --> 00:00:12,680 Morning. 4 00:00:12,746 --> 00:00:14,082 Charlie, right? 5 00:00:14,148 --> 00:00:17,885 Well, I guess it's too late to deny it. 6 00:00:17,951 --> 00:00:20,088 Would you like some coffee? 7 00:00:20,154 --> 00:00:22,156 Uh... sure. 8 00:00:24,592 --> 00:00:25,626 I would. 9 00:00:27,428 --> 00:00:29,930 You have a beautiful house. 10 00:00:29,997 --> 00:00:32,533 Thank you... 11 00:00:36,704 --> 00:00:38,572 so much. 12 00:00:38,639 --> 00:00:40,374 My name is Sandy. 13 00:00:40,441 --> 00:00:44,812 Oh, yes... of course it is. 14 00:00:44,878 --> 00:00:46,114 How could I forget? 15 00:00:46,180 --> 00:00:51,552 Sandy like the beach or the... Koufax. 16 00:00:51,619 --> 00:00:52,753 Pardon me? 17 00:00:52,820 --> 00:00:55,689 You know, Sandy Koufax... great Dodger pitcher, 18 00:00:55,756 --> 00:00:57,125 Hall of Famer, never mind. 19 00:00:57,191 --> 00:01:02,563 So, Sandy... how'd you... sleep? 20 00:01:02,630 --> 00:01:03,664 Oh, just fine. 21 00:01:03,731 --> 00:01:04,865 How about you? 22 00:01:04,932 --> 00:01:08,269 Great. Like a drunk baby. 23 00:01:08,336 --> 00:01:09,837 Are you hungry? 24 00:01:09,903 --> 00:01:12,506 Not yet. Maybe after I throw up. 25 00:01:12,573 --> 00:01:14,242 What did you do last night? 26 00:01:14,308 --> 00:01:16,677 Actually, I was hoping you could fill me in. 27 00:01:17,845 --> 00:01:21,115 There's my little Sandy beach. 28 00:01:21,182 --> 00:01:22,883 Good morning, Alley-Oop. 29 00:01:22,950 --> 00:01:24,352 Oh, thank God. 30 00:01:24,418 --> 00:01:27,255 I was afraid I was gonna have to quit drinking. 31 00:01:27,321 --> 00:01:30,691 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 32 00:01:30,758 --> 00:01:34,094 *Ooh * Men * 33 00:01:36,029 --> 00:01:38,732 So, what do you think of Sandy? 34 00:01:38,799 --> 00:01:42,970 Arguably the greatest southpaw in the history of baseball. 35 00:01:43,036 --> 00:01:44,538 My Sandy. 36 00:01:44,605 --> 00:01:47,841 I don't know. I've never seen her pitch. 37 00:01:49,076 --> 00:01:50,878 She sure can cook. 38 00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:53,181 Well, guess how we met. 39 00:01:53,247 --> 00:01:56,717 I suppose we can rule out Dodger Stadium. 40 00:01:58,286 --> 00:02:00,053 In cooking class. 41 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:02,055 You've been taking a cooking class? 42 00:02:02,122 --> 00:02:04,158 Where do you think I go every Tuesday night? 43 00:02:04,225 --> 00:02:06,927 You're not here on Tuesday nights? 44 00:02:06,994 --> 00:02:08,262 No. 45 00:02:08,329 --> 00:02:10,164 I'm in cooking class. 46 00:02:10,231 --> 00:02:11,732 And guess who's the teacher. 47 00:02:11,799 --> 00:02:12,733 Who? 48 00:02:12,800 --> 00:02:14,535 Sandy. 49 00:02:14,602 --> 00:02:16,103 Oh. 50 00:02:16,170 --> 00:02:17,137 Who's Sandy? 51 00:02:17,205 --> 00:02:20,741 That's Sandy. 52 00:02:20,808 --> 00:02:22,810 Oh. 53 00:02:22,876 --> 00:02:24,077 Great story. 54 00:02:24,144 --> 00:02:28,115 Alan is my star pupil. 55 00:02:28,182 --> 00:02:31,084 And you are my star teacher. 56 00:02:31,151 --> 00:02:33,921 ( both giggling ) 57 00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:35,556 Yo. 58 00:02:37,191 --> 00:02:38,326 Can I have some more bacon? 59 00:02:38,392 --> 00:02:40,994 Oh. In a jiff. 60 00:02:41,061 --> 00:02:45,966 My mother always said, "A well-fed man is a happy man." 61 00:02:46,033 --> 00:02:48,969 Our mother always said, "Here's ten bucks for pizza. 62 00:02:49,036 --> 00:02:50,771 Don't wait up." 63 00:02:50,838 --> 00:02:55,943 That reminds me, she called and invited us for Christmas. 64 00:02:56,009 --> 00:02:57,845 You told her yes, right? Absolutely. 65 00:02:57,911 --> 00:03:01,148 I thought you and I were going to spend Christmas together. 66 00:03:01,215 --> 00:03:02,416 We are. 67 00:03:02,483 --> 00:03:04,218 But you're going to your mother's. 68 00:03:04,285 --> 00:03:05,719 What gave you that idea? 69 00:03:05,786 --> 00:03:09,223 You see, Sandy, it's kind of a family tradition. 70 00:03:09,290 --> 00:03:11,024 Every year, our mother invites us, 71 00:03:11,091 --> 00:03:12,626 even though she doesn't want us to come. 72 00:03:12,693 --> 00:03:15,463 We say yes, even though we don't want to go. 73 00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:17,698 Then, when we don't show up, even though she's relieved, 74 00:03:17,765 --> 00:03:19,433 she gets to complain to her friends 75 00:03:19,500 --> 00:03:21,469 about what horrible children she has. 76 00:03:21,535 --> 00:03:24,438 It's the perfect gift. 77 00:03:24,505 --> 00:03:26,740 But Christmas is supposed to be 78 00:03:26,807 --> 00:03:28,476 about spending time with your loved ones. 79 00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:32,446 Yeah, and going to our mother's would cut into that. 80 00:03:32,513 --> 00:03:34,748 This way, Alan gets to spend it with his son, 81 00:03:34,815 --> 00:03:37,285 and I get to play stuff the stocking in Vegas 82 00:03:37,351 --> 00:03:40,521 with a couple of saline-enhanced elves. 83 00:03:40,588 --> 00:03:43,791 Does this mean that I'm finally going to meet your son? 84 00:03:43,857 --> 00:03:45,993 I guess it does. 85 00:03:46,059 --> 00:03:48,529 Gosh, I so hope he likes me. 86 00:03:48,596 --> 00:03:51,432 The way you cook, your only problem's gonna be 87 00:03:51,499 --> 00:03:53,667 keeping him from humping your leg. 88 00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:55,469 ( buzzing ) 89 00:03:55,536 --> 00:03:57,605 Oh, that's the sheets. 90 00:03:57,671 --> 00:04:01,675 If you fold them while they're warm, they don't wrinkle. 91 00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:04,011 Huh? 92 00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:05,078 Huh? 93 00:04:05,145 --> 00:04:07,648 Beauty, sex, cooking, laundry. 94 00:04:07,715 --> 00:04:10,784 Marriage, boredom, alimony, death. 95 00:04:10,851 --> 00:04:12,420 You are such a cynic. 96 00:04:12,486 --> 00:04:14,688 And you are such a sap. 97 00:04:14,755 --> 00:04:15,823 How am I a sap? 98 00:04:15,889 --> 00:04:16,657 Are you blind? 99 00:04:16,724 --> 00:04:17,558 She's a nester. 100 00:04:17,625 --> 00:04:18,592 What's that supposed to mean? 101 00:04:18,659 --> 00:04:20,561 It means she throws you some tail, 102 00:04:20,628 --> 00:04:22,863 a couple pieces of bacon, and bibbity-bobbity-boo, 103 00:04:22,930 --> 00:04:23,964 you've got a roommate. 104 00:04:24,031 --> 00:04:26,667 Bibbity-bobbity-boo? 105 00:04:26,734 --> 00:04:27,735 Isn't that from Cinderella? 106 00:04:27,801 --> 00:04:30,438 You don't think that bitch was a nester? 107 00:04:32,606 --> 00:04:34,708 I find that just a couple of drops of lemon juice 108 00:04:34,775 --> 00:04:37,878 on the dryer sheet really freshens up the whole load. 109 00:04:37,945 --> 00:04:39,313 Really? 110 00:04:39,380 --> 00:04:41,949 I find that just a couple Valiums in my coffee 111 00:04:42,015 --> 00:04:44,284 keeps me from snapping necks. 112 00:04:49,056 --> 00:04:51,291 Well, um, hold this, please. 113 00:04:51,359 --> 00:04:53,327 I'm just going to pop these on the bed 114 00:04:53,394 --> 00:04:56,630 while they're still warm and toasty. 115 00:04:58,231 --> 00:04:59,700 So which one of you guys 116 00:04:59,767 --> 00:05:03,437 is slipping the high hard one to Martha Stewart? 117 00:05:08,642 --> 00:05:11,779 Hey, Brandi, it's Charlie Harper. 118 00:05:11,845 --> 00:05:13,814 Listen, I'm coming back to Vegas for Christmas, 119 00:05:13,881 --> 00:05:15,783 and I was wondering if you and your sister 120 00:05:15,849 --> 00:05:18,619 wanted to celebrate the holidays again. 121 00:05:18,686 --> 00:05:22,089 Harper. 122 00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:23,857 Oh, wait. 123 00:05:23,924 --> 00:05:28,028 It's possible that you remember me as Dr. Philip Gonzalez. 124 00:05:28,095 --> 00:05:30,230 Right. 125 00:05:30,297 --> 00:05:31,264 Yeah. 126 00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:35,869 Hola. 127 00:05:35,936 --> 00:05:38,472 Anyway, I'm sitting here making vacation plans, 128 00:05:38,539 --> 00:05:40,641 and I'm thinking where better to commemorate 129 00:05:40,708 --> 00:05:44,211 the birth of our Lord than Caesar's Palace? 130 00:05:44,277 --> 00:05:46,814 Hey, Charlie. 131 00:05:46,880 --> 00:05:47,881 Hungry? 132 00:05:47,948 --> 00:05:48,482 Hold on, Brandi. 133 00:05:48,549 --> 00:05:49,417 Not really, but listen, Sandy... 134 00:05:49,483 --> 00:05:51,018 Now last chance. 135 00:05:51,084 --> 00:05:53,353 I'm gonna start dinner, so the kitchen's gonna be 136 00:05:53,421 --> 00:05:54,321 off limits for a while. 137 00:05:54,388 --> 00:05:56,056 But it's my kitchen. 138 00:05:56,123 --> 00:05:57,057 So? 139 00:05:57,124 --> 00:06:00,428 I just thought it was important to point out. 140 00:06:00,494 --> 00:06:04,164 You're so cute. 141 00:06:04,231 --> 00:06:07,435 Look, Brandi, talk to your sister, work up an estimate, 142 00:06:07,501 --> 00:06:09,069 and I'll call you back. 143 00:06:12,940 --> 00:06:16,243 SANDY: I've got a surprise for you. 144 00:06:16,309 --> 00:06:17,177 A mini-blind brush. 145 00:06:17,244 --> 00:06:18,946 BERTA: A what? 146 00:06:19,012 --> 00:06:21,815 SANDY: I don't think Alan's blinds have been dusted in months, 147 00:06:21,882 --> 00:06:24,618 but that's probably because you didn't have the proper tool. 148 00:06:24,685 --> 00:06:27,788 BERTA: Gee, thanks. 149 00:06:30,491 --> 00:06:32,192 We got to talk. 150 00:06:32,259 --> 00:06:35,529 I'm on it. You better be or else she's gonna be on it. 151 00:06:35,596 --> 00:06:38,732 Because now I have the proper tool. 152 00:06:42,202 --> 00:06:42,770 Listen, Sandy... 153 00:06:42,836 --> 00:06:44,371 You had your chance, Charlie. 154 00:06:44,438 --> 00:06:46,139 If you're hungry, take a pudding cup. 155 00:06:46,206 --> 00:06:48,442 I don't want a pudding cup. 156 00:06:48,509 --> 00:06:50,844 We need to establish a few ground rules. 157 00:06:50,911 --> 00:06:51,879 Oh, okay. 158 00:06:51,945 --> 00:06:52,746 I'm listening. 159 00:06:52,813 --> 00:06:54,915 Okay, well, first of all, 160 00:06:54,982 --> 00:06:56,750 Berta's been with me for a long time. 161 00:06:56,817 --> 00:06:58,952 And what she lacks in housekeeping skills, 162 00:06:59,019 --> 00:07:03,156 she more than makes up for in upper body strength. 163 00:07:04,892 --> 00:07:06,059 What's that? 164 00:07:06,126 --> 00:07:08,128 Rack of lamb. 165 00:07:08,195 --> 00:07:09,262 Really? Mm-hmm. 166 00:07:09,329 --> 00:07:10,163 You're making that for us? 167 00:07:10,230 --> 00:07:11,198 Yep. 168 00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:15,368 With roasted baby potatoes and caramelized carrots. 169 00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:19,406 Ooh. 170 00:07:19,473 --> 00:07:21,875 Anyway, anyway... 171 00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:23,110 Ground rules. 172 00:07:23,176 --> 00:07:25,546 Now I want to be supportive of you and Alan... 173 00:07:25,613 --> 00:07:26,747 Oh, I'm sorry, one quick question. 174 00:07:26,814 --> 00:07:28,448 Chocolate or raspberry soufflé? 175 00:07:28,516 --> 00:07:29,550 It doesn't matter. 176 00:07:29,617 --> 00:07:31,652 The point is... I'll just make raspberry. 177 00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:36,624 Actually, I prefer chocolate. 178 00:07:36,690 --> 00:07:38,759 Chocolate it is. 179 00:07:38,826 --> 00:07:41,529 Now why don't I mix you up a little cocktail 180 00:07:41,595 --> 00:07:43,597 and you can take a nap before dinner. 181 00:07:43,664 --> 00:07:46,033 A nap would be nice. 182 00:07:47,935 --> 00:07:49,970 Can I still have the pudding cup? 183 00:07:50,037 --> 00:07:52,472 Okay. 184 00:07:52,540 --> 00:07:54,041 But just one. 185 00:07:54,107 --> 00:07:57,044 I don't want you spoiling your appetite before dinner. 186 00:07:59,146 --> 00:08:00,714 Thank you. 187 00:08:03,551 --> 00:08:05,185 Well? 188 00:08:05,252 --> 00:08:06,153 Good news. 189 00:08:06,219 --> 00:08:08,088 We're having rack of lamb for dinner. 190 00:08:20,100 --> 00:08:21,769 ALAN: Oh, no. 191 00:08:27,274 --> 00:08:28,308 I'm hungry. 192 00:08:28,375 --> 00:08:29,577 Where's Sandy? 193 00:08:29,643 --> 00:08:33,246 She went to get a honey-baked ham for Christmas Eve dinner. 194 00:08:33,313 --> 00:08:34,815 Ooh, honey-baked ham. 195 00:08:34,882 --> 00:08:36,016 Yay! 196 00:08:36,083 --> 00:08:39,452 I find it a little ironic that despite all your warnings 197 00:08:39,519 --> 00:08:40,921 about her nesting instincts, 198 00:08:40,988 --> 00:08:43,323 you haven't missed a single one of her meals. 199 00:08:43,390 --> 00:08:45,926 Yeah, I'm a master of irony. 200 00:08:45,993 --> 00:08:48,195 Hey, I thought you were going to Vegas for Christmas. 201 00:08:48,261 --> 00:08:49,763 Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? 202 00:08:49,830 --> 00:08:53,333 Then you'd have the whole ham to yourself. 203 00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:56,503 You should talk, Porky. 204 00:08:56,570 --> 00:08:58,706 Who took the leftover lasagna under the deck 205 00:08:58,772 --> 00:09:00,874 so that we wouldn't see him eat it all himself? 206 00:09:00,941 --> 00:09:04,244 Who made a meatloaf sandwich by taking a slice of meatloaf 207 00:09:04,311 --> 00:09:07,314 and putting it between two other slices of meatloaf? 208 00:09:09,416 --> 00:09:13,386 I am cutting down on carbs. 209 00:09:13,453 --> 00:09:14,888 Yeah, it's working for you. 210 00:09:14,955 --> 00:09:18,425 When's the last time you looked down in the shower 211 00:09:18,491 --> 00:09:20,661 and saw your testicles? 212 00:09:20,728 --> 00:09:22,462 I don't need to see them. 213 00:09:22,529 --> 00:09:24,698 I know they're there. 214 00:09:24,765 --> 00:09:26,366 And what about you? 215 00:09:26,433 --> 00:09:28,468 What do you call this? 216 00:09:28,535 --> 00:09:29,870 Goodyear or Pirelli? 217 00:09:29,937 --> 00:09:33,573 This, my chunky friend, is water weight. 218 00:09:33,641 --> 00:09:34,975 Water weight? 219 00:09:35,042 --> 00:09:37,144 It's genetic. I retain water. 220 00:09:37,210 --> 00:09:40,047 You also retain German chocolate cake, 221 00:09:40,113 --> 00:09:42,716 lamb stew and Belgian waffles. 222 00:09:44,217 --> 00:09:50,758 Hey, people who live in fat asses shouldn't throw waffles. 223 00:09:50,824 --> 00:09:52,926 Don't talk about my ass. 224 00:09:52,993 --> 00:09:55,495 I am very self-conscious about my ass. 225 00:09:55,562 --> 00:09:57,164 I'm sorry. 226 00:09:57,230 --> 00:10:02,602 I'm just lashing out 'cause I haven't eaten in 75 minutes. 227 00:10:02,670 --> 00:10:04,738 You want some of Sandy's homemade fudge? 228 00:10:04,805 --> 00:10:07,641 Don't play with me, Alan. 229 00:10:08,876 --> 00:10:10,577 You've got fudge up here? 230 00:10:10,644 --> 00:10:12,279 Close your eyes. 231 00:10:21,655 --> 00:10:22,723 Okay. 232 00:10:22,790 --> 00:10:25,492 Mm... fudge. 233 00:10:25,558 --> 00:10:26,994 Aw. 234 00:10:27,060 --> 00:10:29,529 Oh, you know what would be great? 235 00:10:29,596 --> 00:10:32,299 Honey-baked fudge. 236 00:10:32,365 --> 00:10:36,804 Or fudge-covered ham. 237 00:10:38,706 --> 00:10:41,975 Mm... Mm... 238 00:10:42,042 --> 00:10:45,545 Well, I'm really happy that we get to spend Christmas together. 239 00:10:45,612 --> 00:10:48,148 We don't have to go to your mom's, do we? 240 00:10:48,215 --> 00:10:50,751 Don't be silly. 241 00:10:50,818 --> 00:10:52,720 Hey, you hungry? 242 00:10:52,786 --> 00:10:53,887 I could eat. 243 00:10:53,954 --> 00:10:56,356 Well, you're gonna. 244 00:10:56,423 --> 00:10:58,959 Can we order Chinese like we did last year? 245 00:10:59,026 --> 00:11:00,227 Oh, no, no. This year, 246 00:11:00,293 --> 00:11:02,730 we're gonna do something a little more traditional. 247 00:11:02,796 --> 00:11:04,397 Deli? 248 00:11:04,464 --> 00:11:08,736 No, we're gonna have a-a real, home-cooked Christmas dinner. 249 00:11:08,802 --> 00:11:11,138 Whose home? 250 00:11:11,204 --> 00:11:12,706 Our home. 251 00:11:12,773 --> 00:11:14,307 How? 252 00:11:14,374 --> 00:11:17,444 Well, I'm, uh, I'm dating a-a lady 253 00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:19,780 who's gonna make us a wonderful dinner. 254 00:11:19,847 --> 00:11:21,448 Oh, okay. 255 00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:24,284 Are you at all curious? 256 00:11:24,351 --> 00:11:25,753 Yeah, a little. 257 00:11:25,819 --> 00:11:27,755 Well, okay, you can, uh, ask me any question, 258 00:11:27,821 --> 00:11:29,990 and I'll try and answer it for you. 259 00:11:30,057 --> 00:11:32,325 What are we having? 260 00:11:32,392 --> 00:11:34,261 No, about the lady. 261 00:11:34,327 --> 00:11:37,030 Oh. No, not really. 262 00:11:37,097 --> 00:11:38,498 Well, I-I just want you to know 263 00:11:38,565 --> 00:11:40,367 that I-I really like her, 264 00:11:40,433 --> 00:11:42,970 and you're probably gonna be seeing her a lot. 265 00:11:43,036 --> 00:11:44,637 Do I have to like her? 266 00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:46,506 Well, of course not. 267 00:11:46,573 --> 00:11:49,376 Then I probably won't. 268 00:11:49,442 --> 00:11:51,011 Why would you say that? 269 00:11:51,078 --> 00:11:55,148 We're very different people, Dad. 270 00:11:55,215 --> 00:11:56,817 So true. 271 00:11:56,884 --> 00:11:59,486 Is she gonna be staying over? 272 00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:02,689 Yes. 273 00:12:02,756 --> 00:12:04,524 Where is she gonna sleep? 274 00:12:04,591 --> 00:12:06,126 In my room. 275 00:12:06,193 --> 00:12:07,761 Okay. 276 00:12:07,828 --> 00:12:10,297 Just remember, the walls are thin, 277 00:12:10,363 --> 00:12:12,465 and I'm impressionable. 278 00:12:15,435 --> 00:12:17,370 * Men. 279 00:12:19,907 --> 00:12:23,410 Hey, what are doing out here? 280 00:12:23,476 --> 00:12:25,612 I thought I should prepare you. 281 00:12:25,678 --> 00:12:27,314 For what? 282 00:12:27,380 --> 00:12:29,983 Alan, 283 00:12:30,050 --> 00:12:33,186 remember what I told you about nesters? 284 00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:33,787 Yeah. 285 00:12:33,854 --> 00:12:36,189 Well, some are hummingbirds, 286 00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:38,425 some are robins. 287 00:12:38,491 --> 00:12:40,427 But you my friend... 288 00:12:49,536 --> 00:12:53,140 You got yourself a partridge in a freakin' pear tree. 289 00:12:58,745 --> 00:13:00,180 Sandy did all this? 290 00:13:00,247 --> 00:13:01,648 Yup. 291 00:13:01,714 --> 00:13:02,749 I think it's cool. 292 00:13:02,816 --> 00:13:04,117 It's like an amusement park. 293 00:13:04,184 --> 00:13:07,254 Yeah, Six Flags Over Crazy-Ass Chick-land. 294 00:13:08,555 --> 00:13:10,824 This cannot be Jake. 295 00:13:10,891 --> 00:13:12,993 You're too grownup-looking. 296 00:13:13,060 --> 00:13:15,628 Yeah, thanks. Are those for anybody? 297 00:13:15,695 --> 00:13:17,197 Help yourselves. 298 00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:20,167 ( sniffing ) 299 00:13:20,233 --> 00:13:23,136 ALL: Mmm, gingerbread. 300 00:13:23,203 --> 00:13:25,138 Jake, you can help me in the kitchen if you like. 301 00:13:25,205 --> 00:13:27,140 I'm making chocolate eclairs for dessert, 302 00:13:27,207 --> 00:13:28,909 and I need an official taster. 303 00:13:28,976 --> 00:13:30,410 I like her. 304 00:13:34,014 --> 00:13:35,315 Well, look at that. 305 00:13:35,382 --> 00:13:37,017 They're bonding already. 306 00:13:37,084 --> 00:13:39,552 Alan, your kid would join the Taliban 307 00:13:39,619 --> 00:13:41,454 if they made their own s'mores. 308 00:13:43,056 --> 00:13:44,892 So-So, when did she do all this decorating? 309 00:13:44,958 --> 00:13:46,126 Hard to say. 310 00:13:46,193 --> 00:13:47,928 Everything was normal up until lunchtime. 311 00:13:47,995 --> 00:13:50,864 Oh, I missed lunch. 312 00:13:50,931 --> 00:13:52,165 What did you have? 313 00:13:52,232 --> 00:13:54,267 She made me 314 00:13:54,334 --> 00:13:56,369 a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich... Oh! 315 00:13:56,436 --> 00:13:59,806 ...with garlic mayonnaise on sourdough toast. 316 00:13:59,873 --> 00:14:02,409 Oh! Damn! 317 00:14:02,475 --> 00:14:05,412 Anyway, after lunch, I took a little nap 318 00:14:05,478 --> 00:14:08,949 and woke up in Santa's village of the damned. 319 00:14:10,350 --> 00:14:12,219 Why do you have to be so cynical? 320 00:14:12,285 --> 00:14:14,187 There is nothing wrong with decorating your home 321 00:14:14,254 --> 00:14:17,157 to show a little holiday spirit. 322 00:14:17,224 --> 00:14:18,058 Aha! 323 00:14:18,125 --> 00:14:20,293 But it's not her home, is it? 324 00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:21,161 Well, no. 325 00:14:21,228 --> 00:14:22,495 Whose home is it, Alan? 326 00:14:22,562 --> 00:14:25,899 Okay, fine, I will have a talk with her. 327 00:14:25,966 --> 00:14:26,934 Hold it! 328 00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:28,035 What? 329 00:14:28,101 --> 00:14:30,337 After dinner, you nimrod. 330 00:14:37,110 --> 00:14:39,746 Anybody have room for another eclair? 331 00:14:39,812 --> 00:14:41,781 Not unless I unbutton my pants. 332 00:14:41,848 --> 00:14:44,317 Mine are already unbuttoned. 333 00:14:44,384 --> 00:14:45,285 I took mine off 334 00:14:45,352 --> 00:14:48,388 when she brought out the marshmallow yams. 335 00:14:48,455 --> 00:14:49,689 Okay, then. 336 00:14:49,756 --> 00:14:51,891 What do you say we all go into the living room 337 00:14:51,959 --> 00:14:53,493 and sing some Christmas carols? 338 00:14:53,560 --> 00:14:56,363 You mean stand up? 339 00:14:56,429 --> 00:14:57,564 I don't think I can. 340 00:14:57,630 --> 00:14:59,832 I'm not wearing pants. 341 00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:03,336 Come on, guys. What's Christmas without caroling? 342 00:15:03,403 --> 00:15:06,339 Chanukah? 343 00:15:10,443 --> 00:15:12,579 * Jingle bells, jingle bells 344 00:15:12,645 --> 00:15:14,847 * Jingle all the way 345 00:15:14,914 --> 00:15:16,116 * Oh, what fun it is to ride 346 00:15:16,183 --> 00:15:19,286 * In a one-horse open sleigh... * 347 00:15:19,352 --> 00:15:21,154 Hey. 348 00:15:21,221 --> 00:15:22,990 Sandy, something wrong? 349 00:15:23,056 --> 00:15:24,457 Who moved the reindeer? 350 00:15:24,524 --> 00:15:27,327 I don't know that one, but I'll wing it. 351 00:15:27,394 --> 00:15:30,297 ( to "Joy to the World" ): * Who moved the reindeer 352 00:15:30,363 --> 00:15:32,032 * The savior's come 353 00:15:32,099 --> 00:15:35,102 * He's coming to check on the reindeer... * 354 00:15:35,168 --> 00:15:36,369 No, no, no, no. 355 00:15:38,538 --> 00:15:40,507 These reindeer. 356 00:15:40,573 --> 00:15:42,109 What about them? 357 00:15:42,175 --> 00:15:44,044 Donner and Blitzen are out of order. 358 00:15:44,111 --> 00:15:46,413 Somebody's been playing with them. 359 00:15:46,479 --> 00:15:47,080 So? 360 00:15:47,147 --> 00:15:49,482 So, I want to know who it was. 361 00:15:49,549 --> 00:15:50,683 Jake? 362 00:15:50,750 --> 00:15:52,419 I didn't do it. 363 00:15:52,485 --> 00:15:54,854 Charlie? 364 00:15:54,921 --> 00:15:59,326 Oh all right. I may have used one of 'em as a swizzle stick. 365 00:15:59,392 --> 00:16:00,760 ( sighs ) 366 00:16:00,827 --> 00:16:02,295 Well, no harm done. 367 00:16:02,362 --> 00:16:05,065 But if you must play with them, please remember, 368 00:16:05,132 --> 00:16:06,866 it's Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, 369 00:16:06,933 --> 00:16:08,735 Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen. 370 00:16:08,801 --> 00:16:10,237 Okay. 371 00:16:10,303 --> 00:16:12,839 Donner, Blitzen, Donner, Blitzen, Donner, Blitzen! 372 00:16:12,905 --> 00:16:14,807 Got it. 373 00:16:14,874 --> 00:16:15,575 Say it! 374 00:16:15,642 --> 00:16:18,511 Donner, Blitzen. 375 00:16:20,780 --> 00:16:22,115 Okay then. 376 00:16:22,182 --> 00:16:24,884 "The Little Drummer Boy." 377 00:16:24,951 --> 00:16:27,287 * Brrum, Brrum 378 00:16:27,354 --> 00:16:30,290 *Brrum, Brrum ( playing discordant note ) 379 00:16:30,357 --> 00:16:36,196 * Come, they told me, pa-rum-pa-pum-pum * 380 00:16:36,263 --> 00:16:42,202 * A newborn king to see, pa-rum-pa-pum-pum * 381 00:16:42,269 --> 00:16:46,739 * The finest gifts we bring, pa-rum-pa-pum-pum * 382 00:16:46,806 --> 00:16:50,877 * To lay before the king, pa-rum-pa-pum-pum * 383 00:16:50,943 --> 00:16:53,180 * Rum-pa-pum-pum... 384 00:16:58,151 --> 00:17:00,353 Donner, Blitzen, Donner, Blitzen. 385 00:17:02,089 --> 00:17:05,125 Alan, why aren't you asleep? 386 00:17:05,192 --> 00:17:06,726 I don't know. 387 00:17:06,793 --> 00:17:10,497 Just excited about Christmas, I guess. 388 00:17:10,563 --> 00:17:14,101 Well, Santa won't come while you're awake. 389 00:17:14,167 --> 00:17:17,304 Yeah. Yeah, I've heard that. 390 00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:21,007 Now close your eyes, and let visions of sugarplums dance 391 00:17:21,074 --> 00:17:23,643 through your wee little head. 392 00:17:23,710 --> 00:17:25,712 Okay. 393 00:17:27,780 --> 00:17:28,881 ( gasps ) 394 00:17:28,948 --> 00:17:30,383 Oh, no. 395 00:17:30,450 --> 00:17:31,551 What? 396 00:17:31,618 --> 00:17:34,487 I-I forgot to put out cookies and milk for Santa. 397 00:17:35,955 --> 00:17:37,157 Oh! 398 00:17:37,224 --> 00:17:38,558 You're kidding, right? 399 00:17:38,625 --> 00:17:40,527 Do you want coal in your stocking? 400 00:17:40,593 --> 00:17:42,061 Because that's what you're gonna get 401 00:17:42,129 --> 00:17:45,432 if Santa doesn't find a snack when he comes down the chimney. 402 00:17:45,498 --> 00:17:47,234 I see. 403 00:17:47,300 --> 00:17:49,536 So, you believe in the vengeful, 404 00:17:49,602 --> 00:17:51,704 Old Testament Santa. 405 00:17:51,771 --> 00:17:53,706 Are you mocking Christmas? 406 00:17:53,773 --> 00:17:55,775 Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no. You know what? 407 00:17:55,842 --> 00:17:58,478 Well, I'll just take care of the milk and cookies. 408 00:17:58,545 --> 00:18:01,080 You-You just relax and-and go to sleep. 409 00:18:02,315 --> 00:18:06,018 He sees us when we're sleeping, you know. 410 00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:08,255 Right. 411 00:18:08,321 --> 00:18:11,558 I don't make the rules. 412 00:18:11,624 --> 00:18:15,295 Okay. 413 00:18:17,964 --> 00:18:21,301 ( to "The First Noel" ): * Oh, God, Oh, God 414 00:18:21,368 --> 00:18:26,373 * Oh, God, Oh, God. 415 00:18:26,439 --> 00:18:27,674 Charlie? 416 00:18:27,740 --> 00:18:28,941 Hang on. 417 00:18:29,008 --> 00:18:32,111 ( toilet flushes ) 418 00:18:33,313 --> 00:18:34,747 ( sighs ) 419 00:18:34,814 --> 00:18:37,984 Okay, I'm ready for more pie. 420 00:18:38,050 --> 00:18:40,587 We have a serious problem here. 421 00:18:40,653 --> 00:18:41,921 We're out of pie? 422 00:18:41,988 --> 00:18:43,256 Will you listen to me? 423 00:18:43,323 --> 00:18:44,957 There's something wrong with Sandy. 424 00:18:45,024 --> 00:18:46,058 Well, didn't we know that 425 00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:48,094 when she agreed to sleep with you? 426 00:18:48,161 --> 00:18:49,829 No. Even wronger than that. 427 00:18:49,896 --> 00:18:52,799 She actually believes in Santa Claus. 428 00:18:52,865 --> 00:18:54,434 Really? Yeah. 429 00:18:54,501 --> 00:18:55,868 Wow. 430 00:18:55,935 --> 00:18:57,270 But we still have pie? 431 00:18:57,337 --> 00:18:59,071 Yes, we still have pie. 432 00:18:59,138 --> 00:19:01,408 Then what are we doin' up here? 433 00:19:02,775 --> 00:19:05,312 I guess I could have a little sliver. 434 00:19:22,429 --> 00:19:24,231 You know what? 435 00:19:24,297 --> 00:19:26,499 I think something's wrong with Sandy. 436 00:19:28,067 --> 00:19:29,135 I just said that. 437 00:19:29,202 --> 00:19:31,538 Do you ever listen to me? 438 00:19:33,206 --> 00:19:35,675 Sandy, sweetheart? 439 00:19:35,742 --> 00:19:37,076 You okay? 440 00:19:37,143 --> 00:19:39,078 He's not coming. 441 00:19:39,145 --> 00:19:40,347 Who's not coming? 442 00:19:40,413 --> 00:19:42,081 ( whispers ): Listen to this. 443 00:19:42,148 --> 00:19:44,384 Santa. 444 00:19:46,353 --> 00:19:48,988 Every year I try and make things perfect, 445 00:19:49,055 --> 00:19:52,492 and every year I fail. 446 00:19:53,960 --> 00:19:55,262 Mama was right. 447 00:19:55,328 --> 00:19:57,697 I am a naughty girl. 448 00:20:00,267 --> 00:20:02,201 Come on, Alan. 449 00:20:02,269 --> 00:20:05,438 Where we going? 450 00:20:05,505 --> 00:20:08,007 I want you to teach this naughty girl a lesson. 451 00:20:08,074 --> 00:20:10,643 She needs to be punished. 452 00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:16,148 You lucky dog. 453 00:20:16,215 --> 00:20:18,251 What? I'm not going in there. 454 00:20:18,318 --> 00:20:19,719 She's nuts. 455 00:20:19,786 --> 00:20:20,387 Yeah. So? 456 00:20:20,453 --> 00:20:22,422 Sex with crazy chicks is great. 457 00:20:22,489 --> 00:20:24,457 Just make sure you pick positions 458 00:20:24,524 --> 00:20:26,359 where you can see what her hands are doing. 459 00:20:26,426 --> 00:20:28,828 No, no. That would be taking advantage 460 00:20:28,895 --> 00:20:31,197 of a-a mentally unbalanced person. 461 00:20:31,264 --> 00:20:32,932 Oh, Alan, that boat has sailed. 462 00:20:32,999 --> 00:20:37,236 You might as well hop on board for a farewell cruise. 463 00:20:37,304 --> 00:20:38,471 I don't think so. 464 00:20:38,538 --> 00:20:40,106 It-It just wouldn't be right. 465 00:20:40,172 --> 00:20:41,374 SANDY: Come on, Alan. 466 00:20:41,441 --> 00:20:44,777 I'm ready. 467 00:20:51,183 --> 00:20:53,786 Good night. 468 00:20:58,257 --> 00:21:00,460 Okay. 469 00:21:00,527 --> 00:21:02,829 Pie for everybody. 470 00:21:07,567 --> 00:21:09,268 Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! 471 00:21:09,336 --> 00:21:11,237 Are you out of your mind? 472 00:21:11,304 --> 00:21:13,039 Mom, you've been naggin' us for years 473 00:21:13,105 --> 00:21:14,441 to spend Christmas with you. 474 00:21:14,507 --> 00:21:17,109 Only because I knew you'd never show up. 475 00:21:17,176 --> 00:21:19,145 Well, we had to get out of the house. 476 00:21:19,211 --> 00:21:22,248 Yeah. The walls are thin, and I'm impressionable. 477 00:21:22,315 --> 00:21:24,083 Hold on. 478 00:21:24,150 --> 00:21:25,685 Stanley, put your pants on. 479 00:21:25,752 --> 00:21:28,721 We'll exchange gifts later. 480 00:21:28,788 --> 00:21:30,890 Come on in. 481 00:21:33,025 --> 00:21:36,563 Dear God, look at the size of your ass!