1 00:00:01,935 --> 00:00:03,871 Pretty fancy prices here. 2 00:00:03,937 --> 00:00:05,873 Yeah, well, just so we're clear, 3 00:00:05,939 --> 00:00:07,475 I'm picking up the tab tonight. 4 00:00:07,541 --> 00:00:08,376 Okay. 5 00:00:08,442 --> 00:00:10,878 This is my celebration. I invited you. 6 00:00:10,944 --> 00:00:12,080 Fine. 7 00:00:12,146 --> 00:00:13,747 So don't go grabbing the check. 8 00:00:13,814 --> 00:00:16,650 I won't touch the check. 9 00:00:16,717 --> 00:00:18,919 I mean, if you want to leave the tip 10 00:00:18,986 --> 00:00:19,920 that would be all right. 11 00:00:19,987 --> 00:00:21,522 I could do that. 12 00:00:21,589 --> 00:00:25,926 I usually leave 15%, but if you want to leave 20... 13 00:00:25,993 --> 00:00:27,561 that's your call. 14 00:00:27,628 --> 00:00:28,762 Thank you. 15 00:00:28,829 --> 00:00:31,099 Unless you think it's easier 16 00:00:31,165 --> 00:00:33,134 if we just split the check. 17 00:00:34,034 --> 00:00:34,968 Whatever. 18 00:00:35,035 --> 00:00:36,437 Of course, in many families 19 00:00:36,504 --> 00:00:38,672 if someone is celebrating some good news, 20 00:00:38,739 --> 00:00:41,975 his brother would insist on buying dinner. 21 00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:44,845 Then why don't I do that. 22 00:00:44,912 --> 00:00:45,913 But I'll leave the tip. 23 00:00:45,979 --> 00:00:47,014 One question. 24 00:00:47,081 --> 00:00:48,015 What? 25 00:00:48,082 --> 00:00:49,016 Do you have any money? 26 00:00:49,083 --> 00:00:50,351 No. 27 00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:54,922 I left my wallet at home. 28 00:00:54,988 --> 00:00:58,192 You mean this wallet? 29 00:01:04,098 --> 00:01:06,400 Oh, good, you found it. 30 00:01:07,868 --> 00:01:10,070 I was looking all over. 31 00:01:10,138 --> 00:01:13,141 So, uh... where did we leave things? 32 00:01:13,207 --> 00:01:14,108 You're paying, we're splitting? 33 00:01:14,175 --> 00:01:16,777 Oh, just shut up. 34 00:01:16,844 --> 00:01:19,713 So anyway, what's this good news you're celebrating? 35 00:01:19,780 --> 00:01:20,548 It's a surprise. 36 00:01:20,614 --> 00:01:22,316 I want to wait till Mom gets here. 37 00:01:22,383 --> 00:01:24,685 Yes, Jake, we see the spoon on your nose. 38 00:01:24,752 --> 00:01:26,053 Now stop it. 39 00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:28,122 Can you do it? 40 00:01:28,189 --> 00:01:29,223 I don't want to do it. 41 00:01:29,290 --> 00:01:32,326 Now behave yourself. 42 00:01:33,261 --> 00:01:34,595 Oh, work with me. 43 00:01:35,263 --> 00:01:37,965 Just wonderful. 44 00:01:38,031 --> 00:01:40,468 You pick a restaurant that has no valet. 45 00:01:40,534 --> 00:01:42,503 I had to park three blocks away 46 00:01:42,570 --> 00:01:45,506 and then schlep here in shoes that are not made for walking. 47 00:01:45,573 --> 00:01:47,975 I've got a blister the size of a communion wafer, 48 00:01:48,041 --> 00:01:51,312 and if Mommy doesn't get something to drink immediately, 49 00:01:51,379 --> 00:01:54,114 things are going to get very ugly. 50 00:01:54,182 --> 00:01:56,284 Let the celebration begin. 51 00:01:56,350 --> 00:01:58,786 Maybe the lesson here, Mom, 52 00:01:58,852 --> 00:02:01,322 is to buy shoes that are made for walking. 53 00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:05,193 Is it just me? 54 00:02:05,259 --> 00:02:06,860 In a perfect world it would be. 55 00:02:06,927 --> 00:02:09,430 Well, anyway, I'm here. 56 00:02:09,497 --> 00:02:11,232 So what's your big announcement, Alan? 57 00:02:11,299 --> 00:02:13,934 Jake, get that spoon off your nose. 58 00:02:14,001 --> 00:02:15,203 You don't know where it's been. 59 00:02:15,269 --> 00:02:17,004 It's been on my nose. 60 00:02:17,070 --> 00:02:22,210 You really must start looking at trade schools for the boy. 61 00:02:22,276 --> 00:02:24,545 Now that we are all here, 62 00:02:24,612 --> 00:02:26,480 I have some good news to share. 63 00:02:26,547 --> 00:02:28,782 This is not going to be out on the newsstands 64 00:02:28,849 --> 00:02:33,721 for a couple of days, but I have an advance copy. 65 00:02:37,124 --> 00:02:40,127 "Good doctor, good neighbor, good guy." 66 00:02:40,194 --> 00:02:41,229 Good God. 67 00:02:41,295 --> 00:02:43,264 Hey, Dad, you're famous. 68 00:02:43,331 --> 00:02:44,565 Well, not really. 69 00:02:44,632 --> 00:02:46,300 Well, among the readers of the Tarzana Pennysaver 70 00:02:46,367 --> 00:02:47,801 maybe a little. 71 00:02:47,868 --> 00:02:51,705 Don't forget the homeless people who make underpants out of it. 72 00:02:51,772 --> 00:02:54,342 Charlie, don't be disrespectful. 73 00:02:54,408 --> 00:02:55,809 Thank you, Mom. 74 00:02:55,876 --> 00:02:57,745 So how much advertising did you have to buy 75 00:02:57,811 --> 00:02:59,447 in exchange for this puff piece? 76 00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:02,916 Why do you assume that I had to buy advertising? 77 00:03:02,983 --> 00:03:05,185 Is it that hard to believe that a local newspaper 78 00:03:05,253 --> 00:03:07,154 might run a cover story 79 00:03:07,221 --> 00:03:09,189 about a successful local chiropractor? 80 00:03:09,257 --> 00:03:12,593 Well, frankly, yes. 81 00:03:12,660 --> 00:03:15,729 Unless the local chiropractor shot four people to death 82 00:03:15,796 --> 00:03:18,699 in a mini-mart and then turned the weapon on himself. 83 00:03:18,766 --> 00:03:20,601 You know, I get why Charlie 84 00:03:20,668 --> 00:03:22,436 has never been able to acknowledge my accomplishments. 85 00:03:22,503 --> 00:03:23,537 He's a self-centered hedonist 86 00:03:23,604 --> 00:03:25,105 who can't get behind anyone 87 00:03:25,172 --> 00:03:27,641 unless they're drunk and bent over a pool table. 88 00:03:27,708 --> 00:03:30,344 That's fair. 89 00:03:30,411 --> 00:03:32,280 But my own mother... 90 00:03:32,346 --> 00:03:35,048 You're... up. 91 00:03:35,115 --> 00:03:37,318 Refusing to even feign interest. 92 00:03:37,385 --> 00:03:38,919 I did so feign interest. 93 00:03:38,986 --> 00:03:40,988 You assumed that I had to buy advertising 94 00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:41,755 to get the article. 95 00:03:41,822 --> 00:03:42,923 Well, did you? 96 00:03:42,990 --> 00:03:46,360 Neighborhood advertising is a good investment. 97 00:03:47,628 --> 00:03:49,196 But that is not the point. 98 00:03:49,263 --> 00:03:51,064 All right, dear, what is the point? 99 00:03:51,131 --> 00:03:53,767 The point is I can't even get a simple "attaboy" 100 00:03:53,834 --> 00:03:54,835 from my own mother. 101 00:03:54,902 --> 00:03:58,205 Oh, well, I'm sorry. 102 00:03:58,272 --> 00:04:00,841 ( clearing throat ) 103 00:04:00,908 --> 00:04:03,010 Attaboy. 104 00:04:04,878 --> 00:04:06,113 Feel better? 105 00:04:06,179 --> 00:04:07,381 No, I do not feel better. 106 00:04:07,448 --> 00:04:10,050 Did I not say it right? 107 00:04:10,117 --> 00:04:10,884 You know what? 108 00:04:10,951 --> 00:04:12,252 Forget it. 109 00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:13,954 Let's just order, eat and get out of here. 110 00:04:14,021 --> 00:04:17,425 Oh, one more of these and please keep them coming. 111 00:04:17,491 --> 00:04:18,559 I'll buy the drinks. 112 00:04:18,626 --> 00:04:22,062 Unless you want to split it with me. 113 00:04:22,129 --> 00:04:28,469 *Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * *Oh. 114 00:04:32,340 --> 00:04:34,041 No, Alan, what else? 115 00:04:34,107 --> 00:04:38,712 I cannot believe that our mother made us carry her to her car, 116 00:04:38,779 --> 00:04:43,283 just because she had a teeny-weeny little blister on her foot. 117 00:04:43,351 --> 00:04:47,254 Well, hopefully the next time we have to carry her, 118 00:04:47,321 --> 00:04:49,056 she'll be in a handy urn. 119 00:04:50,190 --> 00:04:51,759 Oh, oh... 120 00:04:51,825 --> 00:04:54,662 I'll pay for the urn if you'll get the cremation. 121 00:04:54,728 --> 00:04:55,796 Done. 122 00:04:57,431 --> 00:04:59,800 Jake? Where's my son? 123 00:04:59,867 --> 00:05:00,868 Right here, Dad. 124 00:05:00,934 --> 00:05:02,269 Oh, oh, good. 125 00:05:02,336 --> 00:05:05,539 Uh, now listen, boy, 126 00:05:05,606 --> 00:05:09,410 your old dad is not going to be here for... 127 00:05:11,211 --> 00:05:13,313 Whee. 128 00:05:16,249 --> 00:05:18,251 He's not going to be here forever. 129 00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:20,854 And... and when I'm gone, 130 00:05:20,921 --> 00:05:24,124 I want there to be no doubt in your mind 131 00:05:24,191 --> 00:05:27,327 that I was as proud as punch 132 00:05:27,395 --> 00:05:29,296 about all of your 133 00:05:29,363 --> 00:05:31,432 accomplishments. 134 00:05:31,499 --> 00:05:33,534 No matter how minuscule. 135 00:05:33,601 --> 00:05:36,437 Boy, you're really plowed, aren't you? 136 00:05:36,504 --> 00:05:41,475 No. Your daddy doesn't get plowed. 137 00:05:41,542 --> 00:05:44,111 He just gets a little bzzz. 138 00:05:48,115 --> 00:05:49,082 Bzzz. 139 00:05:49,149 --> 00:05:51,284 Anyway, 140 00:05:51,351 --> 00:05:55,155 the important thing for you to know 141 00:05:55,222 --> 00:05:57,691 is how much I love you. 142 00:05:57,758 --> 00:06:01,128 You told the waiter you loved him, too. 143 00:06:01,194 --> 00:06:04,565 He was a very good waiter. 144 00:06:05,866 --> 00:06:08,436 And it's also important for you to know 145 00:06:08,502 --> 00:06:11,204 that you can be anything you want. 146 00:06:11,271 --> 00:06:12,406 Anything in the world. 147 00:06:12,473 --> 00:06:13,707 No, I can't. 148 00:06:13,774 --> 00:06:16,510 You're right. That's a crock. 149 00:06:16,577 --> 00:06:21,582 But I love you... 150 00:06:21,649 --> 00:06:25,052 And you have cheeks like a beaver. 151 00:06:25,118 --> 00:06:27,187 Now go to bed. 152 00:06:27,254 --> 00:06:29,623 You know, Dad, we've been learning about alcohol abuse 153 00:06:29,690 --> 00:06:32,159 at school, and if you ever need a new liver 154 00:06:32,225 --> 00:06:33,260 you can have half of mine. 155 00:06:33,326 --> 00:06:36,396 Hey, hey, hey, hey, I thought we had a deal. 156 00:06:36,464 --> 00:06:38,732 Oh, yeah. Sorry, Dad. 157 00:06:40,668 --> 00:06:43,737 Best five bucks I ever spent. 158 00:06:44,772 --> 00:06:47,908 Now come on, let's tuck you into bed. 159 00:06:47,975 --> 00:06:51,411 Why can't my mother appreciate me? 160 00:06:51,479 --> 00:06:54,414 All I wanted was once sincere "attaboy." 161 00:06:54,482 --> 00:06:56,283 Is that too much to ask? 162 00:06:56,349 --> 00:06:59,687 ( retching ) 163 00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:01,188 Attaboy. 164 00:07:03,824 --> 00:07:08,529 Well, that looks like the last of the scallops. 165 00:07:09,630 --> 00:07:12,866 Now all we got to do is wait for dessert. 166 00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:15,569 Rainbow sherbet. 167 00:07:15,636 --> 00:07:18,071 Oh, that should be pretty. 168 00:07:18,138 --> 00:07:22,676 You know, I have spent my entire life 169 00:07:22,743 --> 00:07:27,380 trying to please Mom, to make her proud of me, 170 00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:28,749 but no more. 171 00:07:28,816 --> 00:07:30,518 I... I am done trying. 172 00:07:30,584 --> 00:07:31,685 Good for you. 173 00:07:31,752 --> 00:07:34,154 Oh, uh, excuse me. 174 00:07:40,994 --> 00:07:42,796 Nope. 175 00:07:42,863 --> 00:07:45,298 You know, if you put the seat down, 176 00:07:45,365 --> 00:07:47,535 it's easier to rest your arms. 177 00:07:50,037 --> 00:07:51,639 Oh, you're right. 178 00:07:51,705 --> 00:07:54,942 You are a wise man, Charlie Harper. 179 00:07:55,008 --> 00:07:59,046 I do a have few pockets of specialized knowledge. 180 00:07:59,112 --> 00:08:01,749 Some might call it wisdom. 181 00:08:03,917 --> 00:08:05,753 And it seems warmer, too. 182 00:08:05,819 --> 00:08:08,856 You're further away from the cooling effect of the water. 183 00:08:08,922 --> 00:08:11,058 Not to mention the residual body heat 184 00:08:11,124 --> 00:08:13,861 accrued from thousands of ass-hours. 185 00:08:16,730 --> 00:08:21,869 Wow, you've really given a lot of thought to this. 186 00:08:21,935 --> 00:08:24,738 I'm thinking of writing a book. 187 00:08:24,805 --> 00:08:26,907 And I will read it. 188 00:08:26,974 --> 00:08:27,941 Thank you. 189 00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:31,845 You know what I am, Charlie? 190 00:08:31,912 --> 00:08:33,747 Yes. 191 00:08:33,814 --> 00:08:35,916 I'm a pathological people pleaser. 192 00:08:35,983 --> 00:08:39,787 Huh. I had an entirely different answer. 193 00:08:39,853 --> 00:08:43,824 But more accurately, I... I am a woman pleaser. 194 00:08:43,891 --> 00:08:47,394 No, Alan, I am a woman pleaser. 195 00:08:47,460 --> 00:08:51,431 You're a lonely guy speckled with vomit. 196 00:08:51,498 --> 00:08:54,668 I-I-I'm not speaking physically, 197 00:08:54,735 --> 00:08:58,005 I'm speaking psycholog... logically. 198 00:08:58,071 --> 00:09:00,974 With Mom, 199 00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:02,409 with Judith... 200 00:09:02,475 --> 00:09:05,478 with every woman I've ever met. 201 00:09:05,545 --> 00:09:07,547 I have twisted myself in knots 202 00:09:07,615 --> 00:09:09,917 just trying to get them to like me. 203 00:09:09,983 --> 00:09:13,887 My... my... my education, my... my job, 204 00:09:13,954 --> 00:09:16,423 my clothes, my car... 205 00:09:16,489 --> 00:09:19,292 my very behavior, all chosen 206 00:09:19,359 --> 00:09:23,530 simply to get women to approve of me. 207 00:09:23,597 --> 00:09:26,566 And how's that worked out for you? 208 00:09:26,634 --> 00:09:28,969 They don't approve of me. 209 00:09:29,036 --> 00:09:34,007 But I am going to change, Charlie. 210 00:09:34,074 --> 00:09:39,079 I am no longer going to grovel for Mom's approval 211 00:09:39,146 --> 00:09:42,182 or the approval of any-any woman. 212 00:09:42,249 --> 00:09:44,017 I am going to live 213 00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:48,455 the remainder of my life with pride 214 00:09:48,521 --> 00:09:53,326 and, and a quiet, noble dignity. 215 00:09:56,296 --> 00:10:01,635 But first I'll sleep with my head in the crapper. 216 00:10:06,707 --> 00:10:09,142 ( toilet flushing ) 217 00:10:19,519 --> 00:10:21,722 ( noisy chewing ) 218 00:10:28,461 --> 00:10:30,330 Can I make you some oatmeal? 219 00:10:30,397 --> 00:10:32,265 I've got cereal. 220 00:10:32,332 --> 00:10:33,701 I know. 221 00:10:33,767 --> 00:10:36,569 I just thought you might enjoy something hot... 222 00:10:36,636 --> 00:10:39,439 and quiet. 223 00:10:39,506 --> 00:10:41,241 No. 224 00:10:41,308 --> 00:10:43,443 ( chewing resumes ) 225 00:10:43,510 --> 00:10:45,512 Do you have a hangover? 226 00:10:45,578 --> 00:10:47,147 Yeah. 227 00:10:47,214 --> 00:10:50,283 Drinking that much was a stupid thing to do. 228 00:10:50,350 --> 00:10:52,352 Then why did you do it? 229 00:10:52,419 --> 00:10:53,787 I don't know, Jake. 230 00:10:53,854 --> 00:10:55,923 Maybe I'm just stupid. 231 00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:58,826 Or maybe you just don't apply yourself. 232 00:11:01,294 --> 00:11:05,465 Will you stop talking for a while? 233 00:11:05,532 --> 00:11:07,600 Okay. 234 00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:10,037 ( loud crunching ) 235 00:11:10,103 --> 00:11:14,407 Although I do like a little conversation at breakfast. 236 00:11:15,608 --> 00:11:16,643 Morning, everybody. 237 00:11:16,710 --> 00:11:18,245 Shh. He's hung over. 238 00:11:18,311 --> 00:11:19,279 Oh, yeah. 239 00:11:19,346 --> 00:11:22,382 Well, isn't this an ironic turn of events. 240 00:11:22,449 --> 00:11:25,018 Me waking up feeling all bright and chipper, 241 00:11:25,085 --> 00:11:27,955 and you... looking like a stool sample. 242 00:11:29,656 --> 00:11:32,492 Not a big irony fan, huh? 243 00:11:32,559 --> 00:11:33,493 Charlie? 244 00:11:33,560 --> 00:11:34,394 Yeah? 245 00:11:34,461 --> 00:11:35,362 Either stop talking 246 00:11:35,428 --> 00:11:38,598 or at least have the decency to kill me. 247 00:11:38,665 --> 00:11:39,833 Boy, 248 00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:41,568 I'm never gonna drink. 249 00:11:41,634 --> 00:11:42,702 Good job. 250 00:11:42,770 --> 00:11:44,304 You scarred the kid for life. 251 00:11:44,371 --> 00:11:46,006 Now he's gonna face junior high sober. 252 00:11:46,073 --> 00:11:49,509 Just-just tell me one thing. 253 00:11:49,576 --> 00:11:50,510 What's that? 254 00:11:50,577 --> 00:11:53,881 Did I really tell the waiter I loved him last night? 255 00:11:53,947 --> 00:11:58,351 You had to say something after a kiss like that. 256 00:11:59,887 --> 00:12:01,789 I took care of your bathroom. 257 00:12:01,855 --> 00:12:03,056 Thank you. 258 00:12:03,123 --> 00:12:07,961 I hope you like the smell of pine-scented puke. 259 00:12:08,028 --> 00:12:11,031 So, did I do anything else I'm gonna regret? 260 00:12:11,098 --> 00:12:12,432 Well, you paid for dinner. 261 00:12:12,499 --> 00:12:14,401 Aw, geez! 262 00:12:14,467 --> 00:12:18,906 And after we got home, there was some drunken blubbering 263 00:12:18,972 --> 00:12:22,709 about how you weren't gonna grovel for the approval of women anymore. 264 00:12:22,776 --> 00:12:25,212 Oh, right. I almost forgot. 265 00:12:25,278 --> 00:12:28,882 I-I had a life-changing epiphany last night. 266 00:12:28,949 --> 00:12:30,283 Was this before or after 267 00:12:30,350 --> 00:12:32,752 you yanked up a hunk of your esophagus? 268 00:12:32,820 --> 00:12:34,021 No, it's no joke. 269 00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:36,389 I reached a turning point. 270 00:12:36,456 --> 00:12:40,127 From this day on, my actions will no longer be predicated 271 00:12:40,193 --> 00:12:43,630 on pleasing the castrating mother figures in my life. 272 00:12:43,696 --> 00:12:45,732 ( chuckling ) 273 00:12:45,799 --> 00:12:46,834 Wha-What's so funny? 274 00:12:46,900 --> 00:12:49,436 Nothing. ( chuckling ) 275 00:12:51,771 --> 00:12:53,841 I think she doubts your epiphany. 276 00:12:53,907 --> 00:12:56,209 She'll see. 277 00:12:56,276 --> 00:12:57,110 They'll all see. 278 00:12:57,177 --> 00:13:00,780 Starting now, I am new Alan. 279 00:13:00,848 --> 00:13:03,016 ( Berta cackling ) 280 00:13:06,019 --> 00:13:08,889 Starting now, I will fear no women's disapproval. 281 00:13:08,956 --> 00:13:10,390 ( doorbell rings ) Oh, God, that's Judith. 282 00:13:10,457 --> 00:13:12,359 I was supposed to have Jake ready. 283 00:13:12,425 --> 00:13:13,961 She's gonna kill me! 284 00:13:15,428 --> 00:13:18,731 Okay, starting now. 285 00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:19,933 Good for you. 286 00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:21,668 ( doorbell rings ) Oh, I better get that. 287 00:13:21,734 --> 00:13:24,437 Let her wait. What she thinks of you doesn't matter. 288 00:13:24,504 --> 00:13:27,240 The only thing that counts is what you think of you. 289 00:13:27,307 --> 00:13:28,942 You're right. 290 00:13:29,009 --> 00:13:31,979 It's what I think of me. 291 00:13:34,314 --> 00:13:35,815 And? 292 00:13:35,883 --> 00:13:38,351 I had so much potential. 293 00:13:38,418 --> 00:13:40,120 You can forget what you think of you. 294 00:13:40,187 --> 00:13:42,089 Yeah, I'm probably too close to me 295 00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:45,592 to see me clearly. Yeah, that's it. 296 00:13:45,658 --> 00:13:47,861 Oh, do I smell like vomit? 297 00:13:47,928 --> 00:13:49,529 Don't worry. I'll stand next to you. 298 00:13:49,596 --> 00:13:51,364 She'll assume it's me. 299 00:13:51,431 --> 00:13:53,266 Good. Good. 300 00:13:55,235 --> 00:13:57,304 Hi, Alan. Jake ready? 301 00:13:57,370 --> 00:14:00,140 No, he is not. 302 00:14:00,207 --> 00:14:01,608 You said you'd have him ready. 303 00:14:03,443 --> 00:14:05,145 Well, I don't. 304 00:14:05,212 --> 00:14:07,915 And if that makes you unhappy with me, 305 00:14:07,981 --> 00:14:12,152 well, I don't give a rat's furry ass. 306 00:14:12,219 --> 00:14:14,221 What did you just say to me? 307 00:14:14,287 --> 00:14:15,155 Nothing. I'm sorry. Jake? 308 00:14:15,222 --> 00:14:18,091 Starting now? Starting soon. 309 00:14:21,594 --> 00:14:23,530 You know what that smell is? 310 00:14:24,531 --> 00:14:27,434 Epiphany... for men. 311 00:14:30,470 --> 00:14:32,405 So, how long you been in Los Angeles? 312 00:14:32,472 --> 00:14:33,173 About eight months. 313 00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:35,008 Haven't got a single audition yet. 314 00:14:35,075 --> 00:14:38,545 Yeah, this can be a tough town if you don't know anybody. 315 00:14:38,611 --> 00:14:41,414 ( long sigh ) 316 00:14:43,350 --> 00:14:46,753 Do you have, like, a head shot or a resume? 317 00:14:46,819 --> 00:14:49,589 ( long sigh ) 318 00:14:49,656 --> 00:14:51,558 Is he okay? 319 00:14:51,624 --> 00:14:52,525 I don't know. 320 00:14:52,592 --> 00:14:54,794 Sir, are you okay? 321 00:14:54,861 --> 00:14:57,097 I thought we came here to talk. 322 00:14:57,164 --> 00:14:59,499 Not to each other. 323 00:15:02,435 --> 00:15:04,437 ( groans ) 324 00:15:05,672 --> 00:15:07,874 All right, let's talk. What's bothering you? 325 00:15:07,941 --> 00:15:11,644 I changed my mind. I don't want to talk about it. Talk or die. 326 00:15:11,711 --> 00:15:14,314 All right. I'm depressed. 327 00:15:14,381 --> 00:15:17,217 I want to change, but-but I can't. 328 00:15:17,284 --> 00:15:19,286 Whenever I'm confronted by a disapproving woman, 329 00:15:19,352 --> 00:15:21,021 something inside me just crumbles. 330 00:15:21,088 --> 00:15:23,223 Well, I don't know. Maybe that's just who you are. 331 00:15:23,290 --> 00:15:26,626 You know? Fish got to swim, birds got to fly, 332 00:15:26,693 --> 00:15:27,760 you got to crumble. 333 00:15:27,827 --> 00:15:31,398 What I don't understand is that I can intellectually see 334 00:15:31,464 --> 00:15:33,433 the problem, but I just can't do anything about it. 335 00:15:33,500 --> 00:15:36,669 Oh, excuse me, miss, can I have more of these little pretzels, please? 336 00:15:36,736 --> 00:15:38,005 In a minute. 337 00:15:38,071 --> 00:15:40,740 Okay, sorry, no hurry. 338 00:15:40,807 --> 00:15:42,542 Look, it's very simple. 339 00:15:42,609 --> 00:15:45,478 You were conditioned as a child to seek Mom's approval. 340 00:15:45,545 --> 00:15:47,247 You're still seeking Mom's approval, 341 00:15:47,314 --> 00:15:50,217 and you make every woman in the world a substitute mom. 342 00:15:50,283 --> 00:15:52,352 But what about you? We had the same mother. 343 00:15:52,419 --> 00:15:54,988 Well, I handle my conditioning in a different way. 344 00:15:55,055 --> 00:15:58,458 I have casual and often degrading sex with my substitute moms, 345 00:15:58,525 --> 00:16:02,695 but we're talking about you and not me, so forget I said that. 346 00:16:05,798 --> 00:16:08,468 Oh, how I'll try. 347 00:16:08,535 --> 00:16:11,738 But-but how do you deal with the fear of disapproval? 348 00:16:11,804 --> 00:16:14,141 I mean, you must get shot down occasionally. 349 00:16:14,207 --> 00:16:16,609 Occasionally? Constantly. 350 00:16:16,676 --> 00:16:17,744 Constantly? 351 00:16:17,810 --> 00:16:21,014 Occasionally. 352 00:16:21,081 --> 00:16:22,482 It's a numbers game, Alan. 353 00:16:22,549 --> 00:16:25,518 We all want the shiny apple on top of the tree. 354 00:16:25,585 --> 00:16:28,688 But sometimes you got to settle for one on a lower branch. 355 00:16:28,755 --> 00:16:31,458 And, of course, there's times when you just got to... 356 00:16:31,524 --> 00:16:33,126 pick up whatever's lying on the ground 357 00:16:33,193 --> 00:16:35,262 and put it in your mouth. 358 00:16:35,328 --> 00:16:37,897 But how do you manage to keep going on 359 00:16:37,964 --> 00:16:39,866 in the face of constant rejection? 360 00:16:39,932 --> 00:16:42,069 Occasional rejection. 361 00:16:42,935 --> 00:16:44,537 Okay, lesson one. 362 00:16:44,604 --> 00:16:45,872 Look around. 363 00:16:45,938 --> 00:16:51,511 Out of all the women here, which one do you find the most attractive? 364 00:16:51,578 --> 00:16:52,579 Let's see, um... 365 00:17:10,130 --> 00:17:11,464 ALAN: Her. 366 00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:13,166 CHARLIE: The brunette? Why? 367 00:17:13,233 --> 00:17:16,002 I don't know. There's just something about her. 368 00:17:16,069 --> 00:17:17,036 CHARLIE: Yeah. 369 00:17:17,104 --> 00:17:19,339 Radiating waves of contempt. 370 00:17:19,406 --> 00:17:21,007 You asked me who I found attractive. 371 00:17:21,074 --> 00:17:22,142 That's true. That's true. 372 00:17:22,209 --> 00:17:23,443 All right, she's your shiny apple. 373 00:17:23,510 --> 00:17:26,146 Now, go ask her if you can buy her a drink. 374 00:17:26,213 --> 00:17:27,847 What about the radiating waves of contempt? 375 00:17:27,914 --> 00:17:31,651 That's just a defense mechanism for a little girl in a lot of pain. 376 00:17:31,718 --> 00:17:33,920 Really? How the hell should I know? 377 00:17:33,986 --> 00:17:38,625 The point is, you can't let fear stand in your way. 378 00:17:40,127 --> 00:17:41,060 Well, I disagree. 379 00:17:41,128 --> 00:17:42,862 Are you questioning my methods? 380 00:17:42,929 --> 00:17:44,497 'Cause we can stop right now. 381 00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:47,400 No, no, I'll do it, I'll do it. 382 00:17:49,702 --> 00:17:51,871 Would you like some more pretzels? 383 00:17:51,938 --> 00:17:55,242 Well, I am in the mood for something salty and twisted. 384 00:17:55,308 --> 00:17:57,244 ( laughs ): You're terrible. 385 00:17:57,310 --> 00:18:00,213 You have no idea. 386 00:18:04,184 --> 00:18:05,185 How'd it go? 387 00:18:05,252 --> 00:18:07,920 She's really got a mouth on her. 388 00:18:07,987 --> 00:18:09,222 So she rejected you. 389 00:18:09,289 --> 00:18:11,924 With anatomical specificity. 390 00:18:11,991 --> 00:18:12,959 Good. 391 00:18:13,025 --> 00:18:14,794 Good? How is that good? 392 00:18:14,861 --> 00:18:16,263 How do you feel right now? 393 00:18:16,329 --> 00:18:19,065 What do you mean, how do I feel? I feel humiliated. 394 00:18:19,132 --> 00:18:20,333 Where? What? 395 00:18:20,400 --> 00:18:22,669 Where is the humiliation? Where do you feel it? 396 00:18:22,735 --> 00:18:24,036 Well, let's see, my... 397 00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:27,707 Well, my stomach's all knotted. My heart is pounding. 398 00:18:27,774 --> 00:18:29,209 I'm sweating like a pig. 399 00:18:29,276 --> 00:18:31,110 Okay. End of lesson one. 400 00:18:31,178 --> 00:18:32,345 That was lesson one? 401 00:18:32,412 --> 00:18:34,247 Lesson one sucked. 402 00:18:34,314 --> 00:18:35,982 Lesson two. 403 00:18:36,048 --> 00:18:38,318 Have a drink. 404 00:18:38,385 --> 00:18:41,354 No, sweetheart, have a real drink. 405 00:18:42,322 --> 00:18:44,257 I don't like scotch. 406 00:18:44,324 --> 00:18:45,592 That's okay. It's bourbon. 407 00:18:45,658 --> 00:18:48,361 Oh. All right. 408 00:18:50,997 --> 00:18:52,199 Yecch! 409 00:18:52,265 --> 00:18:53,500 More. 410 00:18:58,838 --> 00:19:00,273 How do you feel now? 411 00:19:00,340 --> 00:19:02,642 I feel a little better. 412 00:19:02,709 --> 00:19:03,776 Finish the drink. 413 00:19:03,843 --> 00:19:06,679 Can I put some Diet Sprite in it? 414 00:19:06,746 --> 00:19:09,249 Just finish it. 415 00:19:13,253 --> 00:19:14,387 There you go. 416 00:19:14,454 --> 00:19:16,656 Now how do you feel? 417 00:19:16,723 --> 00:19:18,358 ( gasping ) 418 00:19:18,425 --> 00:19:19,859 I feel pretty good. 419 00:19:21,328 --> 00:19:23,396 Like, you know, to hell with her. 420 00:19:23,463 --> 00:19:24,697 Who cares what she thinks? 421 00:19:24,764 --> 00:19:27,033 Perfect. Now, go ask that chick over there 422 00:19:27,099 --> 00:19:29,236 if you can buy her a drink. 423 00:19:29,302 --> 00:19:31,371 Wait a minute. 424 00:19:31,438 --> 00:19:33,940 Wait a minute. That's your big secret? Alcohol? 425 00:19:34,006 --> 00:19:37,210 Shh. Don't tell anybody. 426 00:19:37,277 --> 00:19:40,280 But isn't that just a temporary solution? 427 00:19:40,347 --> 00:19:43,283 It's only temporary if you stop drinking. 428 00:19:43,350 --> 00:19:46,286 I like it! 429 00:19:48,788 --> 00:19:51,524 Diet Sprite. 430 00:19:54,961 --> 00:19:56,596 ( retching ) 431 00:19:58,698 --> 00:20:00,867 I got to hand it to you, Alan. 432 00:20:00,933 --> 00:20:05,672 Most guys would be off scallops for a long time. 433 00:20:05,738 --> 00:20:07,574 I like scallops. 434 00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:09,542 Clearly, they don't like you. 435 00:20:09,609 --> 00:20:13,913 I guess you choose your seafood like you choose your women. 436 00:20:13,980 --> 00:20:15,448 I beg to differ. 437 00:20:15,515 --> 00:20:19,852 When it comes to women, I make them sick. 438 00:20:22,021 --> 00:20:23,690 Fair enough. 439 00:20:23,756 --> 00:20:26,959 So, what else did we learn tonight? 440 00:20:27,026 --> 00:20:28,428 Well, let-let's see. 441 00:20:28,495 --> 00:20:32,532 I learned that-that to overcome my fear of rejection 442 00:20:32,599 --> 00:20:35,134 ingrained in me by an emotionally distant mother, 443 00:20:35,201 --> 00:20:39,539 I need to completely disable my central nervous system 444 00:20:39,606 --> 00:20:43,209 with semi-lethal quantities of alcohol. 445 00:20:43,276 --> 00:20:46,313 Bravo! 446 00:20:46,379 --> 00:20:49,048 Hey, Charlie, you coming to bed or what? 447 00:20:49,115 --> 00:20:50,983 I'll be there in a second. 448 00:20:51,050 --> 00:20:52,485 What are you looking at? 449 00:20:52,552 --> 00:20:53,986 Sorry, very sorry. 450 00:20:55,922 --> 00:20:58,257 So, how have you been? 451 00:21:00,727 --> 00:21:02,695 It worked! 452 00:21:02,762 --> 00:21:05,732 I am totally humiliated, and I don't care. 453 00:21:05,798 --> 00:21:08,568 You made real progress tonight, Alan, 454 00:21:08,635 --> 00:21:11,070 and I'm proud of you. Thanks, Charlie. 455 00:21:11,137 --> 00:21:12,305 You're-you're a good teacher. 456 00:21:12,372 --> 00:21:14,073 And-and a good brother. 457 00:21:14,140 --> 00:21:16,809 Thanks. 458 00:21:16,876 --> 00:21:18,110 Well... 459 00:21:18,177 --> 00:21:22,749 I guess it's time for me to go work out my issues. 460 00:21:24,083 --> 00:21:26,085 ( toilet flushes ) 461 00:21:26,152 --> 00:21:27,920 Good night, pal. 462 00:21:27,987 --> 00:21:29,756 Nighty-night. 463 00:21:34,226 --> 00:21:36,796 * Men...