1 00:00:01,935 --> 00:00:03,437 Oh, this is going to be so great. 2 00:00:03,504 --> 00:00:06,440 Are you guys as excited as I am? 3 00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:09,910 Probably not. 4 00:00:09,977 --> 00:00:11,945 Okay. 5 00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:13,947 * Happy... 6 00:00:14,014 --> 00:00:18,086 * ... birthday to you 7 00:00:18,152 --> 00:00:20,821 * Happy Birthday to you 8 00:00:20,888 --> 00:00:27,828 * Happy Birthday, dear Rose * 9 00:00:27,895 --> 00:00:32,466 * Happy Birthday to you. 10 00:00:32,533 --> 00:00:34,902 Oh, you have got to be kidding me! 11 00:00:34,968 --> 00:00:37,838 You guys are the best. 12 00:00:37,905 --> 00:00:39,140 Is that a chocolate fudge cake? 13 00:00:39,207 --> 00:00:41,242 You tell us; you brought it. 14 00:00:41,309 --> 00:00:43,944 Shouldn't you, uh, make a wish and blow out the candles? 15 00:00:44,011 --> 00:00:45,546 Oh, right, right. 16 00:00:45,613 --> 00:00:48,149 I wish this was chocolate fudge. 17 00:00:51,352 --> 00:00:53,121 Now, it's time for the party games. 18 00:00:53,187 --> 00:00:54,688 I got one. 19 00:00:56,690 --> 00:01:02,730 It's called "Drink Until This Night Makes Some Sort of Sense." 20 00:01:02,796 --> 00:01:04,198 I'll go first. 21 00:01:09,036 --> 00:01:10,104 Nope, not yet. 22 00:01:10,171 --> 00:01:12,373 Round Two... 23 00:01:19,847 --> 00:01:22,883 JAKE: Uncle Charlie? 24 00:01:22,950 --> 00:01:23,717 Go away! 25 00:01:23,784 --> 00:01:26,454 Have you seen my iPod? 26 00:01:26,520 --> 00:01:27,321 No. 27 00:01:27,388 --> 00:01:29,557 What about you, Rose? 28 00:01:32,326 --> 00:01:34,495 No. Sorry, Jake. 29 00:01:34,562 --> 00:01:35,629 Oh, man. 30 00:01:45,273 --> 00:01:48,476 Good morning, sleepy head. 31 00:01:48,542 --> 00:01:50,077 Morning. 32 00:01:50,144 --> 00:01:54,682 So, what's new? 33 00:01:54,748 --> 00:01:58,219 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 34 00:01:58,286 --> 00:02:01,121 * Men... * 35 00:02:18,372 --> 00:02:21,542 Mmm, that's good coffee. 36 00:02:21,609 --> 00:02:23,777 Good morning. 37 00:02:23,844 --> 00:02:25,413 It's gettin' there. 38 00:02:27,648 --> 00:02:29,417 Whose birthday cake? 39 00:02:29,483 --> 00:02:30,618 Rose. 40 00:02:30,684 --> 00:02:31,452 Oh. Surprise party? 41 00:02:31,519 --> 00:02:34,588 No, I think she saw it coming. 42 00:02:34,655 --> 00:02:36,890 'Morning. 43 00:02:36,957 --> 00:02:38,125 'Morning. Hey. 44 00:02:38,192 --> 00:02:39,159 Coffee? 45 00:02:39,227 --> 00:02:40,628 Can you make it to go? 46 00:02:40,694 --> 00:02:41,762 To go? 47 00:02:41,829 --> 00:02:45,566 Yeah, the thing is, I made a little... boo-boo. 48 00:02:45,633 --> 00:02:47,568 A boo-boo? A boo-boo. 49 00:02:48,302 --> 00:02:49,036 Anyway, I may have 50 00:02:49,102 --> 00:02:50,971 to leave town for a few days. 51 00:02:51,038 --> 00:02:53,507 Why? What'd you do? 52 00:02:53,574 --> 00:02:55,576 Rose. 53 00:02:55,643 --> 00:02:57,778 What? 54 00:02:59,580 --> 00:03:01,749 I-I did Rose. 55 00:03:01,815 --> 00:03:04,252 Wait, you had sex with Rose? 56 00:03:04,318 --> 00:03:05,319 Are you insane? 57 00:03:05,386 --> 00:03:07,120 Moot point, Alan. 58 00:03:07,187 --> 00:03:09,156 What I have to do now is find my passport 59 00:03:09,223 --> 00:03:10,324 and head for the border. 60 00:03:10,391 --> 00:03:11,225 What you have to do 61 00:03:11,292 --> 00:03:13,661 is tell Rose th-th-that I was drunk 62 00:03:13,727 --> 00:03:15,363 and I'm sorry and that there's no reason 63 00:03:15,429 --> 00:03:19,633 to hunt me down and glue my testicles to my thigh. 64 00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:20,401 Again. 65 00:03:20,468 --> 00:03:21,935 I'll tell you right now, 66 00:03:22,002 --> 00:03:24,372 you're swabbin' on your own nail polish remover this time. 67 00:03:24,438 --> 00:03:27,241 That wasn't pleasant for either of us, Berta. 68 00:03:27,308 --> 00:03:28,942 What the hell were you thinking? 69 00:03:29,009 --> 00:03:29,877 Thinking? 70 00:03:29,943 --> 00:03:31,512 There was no thinking. 71 00:03:31,579 --> 00:03:33,847 We had a few tequila shots and we were talking, 72 00:03:33,914 --> 00:03:34,815 having a nice evening, 73 00:03:34,882 --> 00:03:36,750 then somebody suggested a sponge bath. 74 00:03:36,817 --> 00:03:37,818 Somebody? 75 00:03:37,885 --> 00:03:39,287 It might've been me. 76 00:03:39,353 --> 00:03:40,554 Anyway, the next thing I know, 77 00:03:40,621 --> 00:03:42,490 Jake is waking us up looking for his iPod. 78 00:03:42,556 --> 00:03:44,858 Jake saw you in bed with Rose? 79 00:03:44,925 --> 00:03:48,529 No. 80 00:03:48,596 --> 00:03:50,163 Oh, great, great. That's just great. 81 00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:51,765 What am I gonna tell him? 82 00:03:51,832 --> 00:03:52,933 Who cares? He's 11. 83 00:03:53,000 --> 00:03:55,068 He'll get over it. 84 00:03:55,135 --> 00:03:58,339 I'm the one who still has a bald patch on my scrotum. 85 00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:04,312 And let me tell ya, the comb-over isn't foolin' anybody. 86 00:04:05,045 --> 00:04:06,079 Morning. 87 00:04:06,146 --> 00:04:08,181 Oh. Hey, look, it's Rose. 88 00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:09,317 Morning, Rose. 89 00:04:09,383 --> 00:04:11,218 BERTA: Hey, birthday girl! 90 00:04:11,285 --> 00:04:13,587 Did you get anything good last night? 91 00:04:15,188 --> 00:04:16,724 It was a wonderful party. 92 00:04:16,790 --> 00:04:17,991 Isn't that nice? 93 00:04:18,058 --> 00:04:19,927 Can I get you anything? 94 00:04:19,993 --> 00:04:23,297 Coffee? Orange juice? Industrial-strength adhesive? 95 00:04:23,364 --> 00:04:24,965 No, I can't stay. 96 00:04:25,032 --> 00:04:27,134 I'm having a birthday lunch with my dad. 97 00:04:27,200 --> 00:04:28,336 Oh, well, that's great. 98 00:04:28,402 --> 00:04:29,937 Not that I'm anxious for you to leave. 99 00:04:30,003 --> 00:04:33,006 But it's great that you're gonna spend some time with your dad. 100 00:04:33,073 --> 00:04:34,475 Dads are great. 101 00:04:34,542 --> 00:04:36,143 I like the word "dad" better than "father." 102 00:04:36,209 --> 00:04:38,011 You know, if Hitler had called Germany the Dadland 103 00:04:38,078 --> 00:04:39,179 instead of the Fatherland, 104 00:04:39,246 --> 00:04:41,882 I bet it would've been a much friendlier country. 105 00:04:41,949 --> 00:04:43,183 Charlie. 106 00:04:43,250 --> 00:04:44,051 Yes. 107 00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:45,152 You're acting crazy. 108 00:04:45,218 --> 00:04:46,019 Am I? 109 00:04:46,086 --> 00:04:48,221 Hey, if anybody knows... 110 00:04:48,288 --> 00:04:52,192 I understand last night was just one of those things. 111 00:04:52,259 --> 00:04:54,328 I have no expectations. 112 00:04:54,395 --> 00:04:57,030 Okay. Good. 113 00:04:57,097 --> 00:04:57,831 And...? 114 00:04:57,898 --> 00:04:59,132 And nothing. 115 00:04:59,199 --> 00:05:00,734 I'll see ya later. 116 00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:01,802 Bye, guys. 117 00:05:01,869 --> 00:05:02,836 Bye. 118 00:05:02,903 --> 00:05:05,339 Oh, God, it's worse than I thought. 119 00:05:05,406 --> 00:05:06,540 What are you talking about? 120 00:05:06,607 --> 00:05:08,376 She sounded perfectly fine with everything. 121 00:05:08,442 --> 00:05:09,443 Berta, tell him. 122 00:05:09,510 --> 00:05:11,545 She's nuts. He's screwed. 123 00:05:14,281 --> 00:05:17,217 * Men... 124 00:05:17,284 --> 00:05:18,852 Uncle Charlie? Yeah, buddy? 125 00:05:18,919 --> 00:05:21,489 You know what'd be cool? If you and Rose got married. 126 00:05:21,555 --> 00:05:24,758 Yeah, Charlie, that would be cool. 127 00:05:26,259 --> 00:05:27,094 I could be the best man. 128 00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:31,665 Carry the ring for you and the medication for her. 129 00:05:31,732 --> 00:05:34,067 Do pharmacies have bridal registries? 130 00:05:34,134 --> 00:05:35,335 Hey, 131 00:05:35,403 --> 00:05:37,371 have you guys talked about having kids? 132 00:05:37,438 --> 00:05:38,606 Are we gonna hear the pitter-patter 133 00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:41,409 of teeny-weeny crazy-ass feet? 134 00:05:45,112 --> 00:05:46,680 No. He's not gonna marry Rose. 135 00:05:46,747 --> 00:05:49,583 Why not? He's already getting sex from her. 136 00:05:50,984 --> 00:05:54,688 Jake, Jake... the only reason Rose was in my bed 137 00:05:54,755 --> 00:05:56,724 is because she was too tired to go home. 138 00:05:56,790 --> 00:06:01,395 Uncle Charlie, I'm an underachiever, not an idiot. 139 00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:05,666 Okay, fine. 140 00:06:05,733 --> 00:06:06,967 You want the truth? 141 00:06:07,034 --> 00:06:08,636 Charlie, please be discreet. Just because 142 00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:09,803 a man and woman have sex 143 00:06:09,870 --> 00:06:11,705 doesn't mean they have to get married. 144 00:06:11,772 --> 00:06:13,273 It doesn't mean they have to see each other again. 145 00:06:13,340 --> 00:06:16,644 It doesn't even mean they have to give their actual names. 146 00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:19,346 Thank you for your discretion. 147 00:06:19,413 --> 00:06:20,681 No, no, no. 148 00:06:20,748 --> 00:06:22,716 It's time somebody taught him the facts of life. 149 00:06:22,783 --> 00:06:24,785 What facts? That you did a stupid, stupid thing 150 00:06:24,852 --> 00:06:26,587 'cause you're a stupid, stupid man? 151 00:06:26,654 --> 00:06:27,588 I was getting to that. 152 00:06:27,655 --> 00:06:28,956 Why was it stupid? 153 00:06:29,022 --> 00:06:31,692 Because he had sex with someone he doesn't love. 154 00:06:31,759 --> 00:06:33,794 No, no, because I had sex with someone 155 00:06:33,861 --> 00:06:37,731 who knows how to disable the alarm system. 156 00:06:37,798 --> 00:06:42,202 And who has no compunction about shaving my head while I sleep. 157 00:06:42,269 --> 00:06:43,937 What's a compunction? 158 00:06:44,004 --> 00:06:45,973 Go get ready for bed. 159 00:06:46,039 --> 00:06:46,840 Sounds dirty. 160 00:06:46,907 --> 00:06:48,442 Just go. 161 00:06:48,509 --> 00:06:52,646 ( in deep voice ): Hey, lady, I can see your compunction. 162 00:06:52,713 --> 00:06:54,815 Charlie, will you do me a favor? What? 163 00:06:54,882 --> 00:06:56,984 Don't talk to my kid about sex. Why? 164 00:06:57,050 --> 00:06:58,819 Because you're a pig. 165 00:06:58,886 --> 00:07:02,556 Okay. 166 00:07:02,623 --> 00:07:03,857 What was that? 167 00:07:03,924 --> 00:07:05,125 What was what? 168 00:07:05,192 --> 00:07:07,160 It was a thump. 169 00:07:07,227 --> 00:07:08,161 What do you mean, a thump? 170 00:07:08,228 --> 00:07:09,763 You know, a thump. 171 00:07:09,830 --> 00:07:12,633 Like a crazy woman dressed as a ninja jumping from a tree 172 00:07:12,700 --> 00:07:15,703 and landing on the roof with cat-like precision. 173 00:07:15,769 --> 00:07:18,038 I didn't hear anything. 174 00:07:18,105 --> 00:07:18,939 Well, I did. 175 00:07:19,006 --> 00:07:20,841 I guess your hearing's more acute 176 00:07:20,908 --> 00:07:24,712 when your nuts are on the line. 177 00:07:24,778 --> 00:07:27,748 Come on, Charlie, you don't really think 178 00:07:27,815 --> 00:07:28,916 Rose is gonna do anything? 179 00:07:28,982 --> 00:07:31,084 Hey, I never told you half the weird stuff 180 00:07:31,151 --> 00:07:32,052 she pulled around here. 181 00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:32,920 Why not? 182 00:07:32,986 --> 00:07:34,555 Well, we needed a baby-sitter 183 00:07:34,622 --> 00:07:36,724 and I didn't want you to get spooked. 184 00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:40,861 Okay, I'm listening. 185 00:07:40,928 --> 00:07:45,499 One time, she trained a seagull to swoop down... 186 00:07:45,566 --> 00:07:49,236 ( knock at door ) Oh, God, this is it! 187 00:07:49,302 --> 00:07:50,003 Come on, Charlie. 188 00:07:50,070 --> 00:07:52,506 I cannot believe a grown man like you 189 00:07:52,573 --> 00:07:53,974 is afraid of a little girl. 190 00:07:54,041 --> 00:07:58,211 A little girl with a big seagull. 191 00:07:58,278 --> 00:08:00,948 Went right for my eyes. 192 00:08:01,014 --> 00:08:04,117 You ever seen one of 'em swoop down on a picnic table 193 00:08:04,184 --> 00:08:05,986 to grab a french fry? 194 00:08:06,053 --> 00:08:07,454 It was just like that. Charlie... 195 00:08:07,521 --> 00:08:09,022 I'll bet that's how she trained it. 196 00:08:09,089 --> 00:08:12,292 Took a picture of me and put french fries all over it. 197 00:08:12,359 --> 00:08:14,427 You're being ridiculous. 198 00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:17,798 ( knock at door ) 199 00:08:17,865 --> 00:08:18,799 Am I? 200 00:08:20,067 --> 00:08:22,135 We'll see. 201 00:08:34,682 --> 00:08:36,449 Are you Charlie Harper? 202 00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:37,417 Yes, I am. 203 00:08:37,484 --> 00:08:39,753 I'm Rose's father. 204 00:08:41,855 --> 00:08:44,224 I don't see a way to back out of this, do you? 205 00:08:51,565 --> 00:08:52,866 So, you're Rose's dad. 206 00:08:55,569 --> 00:08:58,706 I can see the resemblance. 207 00:09:00,440 --> 00:09:03,410 You and I need to talk. 208 00:09:03,476 --> 00:09:04,945 Well, sure, if you want. 209 00:09:05,012 --> 00:09:06,446 I'm booked up for the next few days, 210 00:09:06,513 --> 00:09:09,116 but maybe we can pencil something in for next week. 211 00:09:09,182 --> 00:09:09,382 Now. 212 00:09:09,449 --> 00:09:10,818 Or now. 213 00:09:10,884 --> 00:09:12,419 There's a little window in my schedule now. 214 00:09:12,485 --> 00:09:13,420 Come on in. 215 00:09:13,486 --> 00:09:14,688 Thank you. 216 00:09:14,755 --> 00:09:16,289 Can I get you something to drink? 217 00:09:16,356 --> 00:09:17,557 I'm fine. 218 00:09:17,625 --> 00:09:19,226 Okay, well, then you don't mind if I have 219 00:09:19,292 --> 00:09:20,493 a little conversation starter, do you? 220 00:09:20,560 --> 00:09:21,461 Knock yourself out. 221 00:09:21,528 --> 00:09:22,830 I'm sure gonna try. 222 00:09:27,868 --> 00:09:30,771 So, uh, I'm, uh, Charlie's brother, Alan. 223 00:09:30,838 --> 00:09:32,272 Nice to meet you. 224 00:09:32,339 --> 00:09:33,741 Same here. 225 00:09:33,807 --> 00:09:38,578 Uh... I never slept with your daughter. 226 00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:49,089 I'm not surprised. 227 00:09:53,761 --> 00:09:56,429 Okay, Rose's dad. 228 00:09:56,496 --> 00:09:57,597 Call me Harvey. 229 00:09:57,665 --> 00:09:58,431 Okay, Harvey. 230 00:09:58,498 --> 00:09:59,532 That's easy. 231 00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:01,835 Like the big invisible rabbit in that Jimmy Stewart movie. 232 00:10:01,902 --> 00:10:03,303 What was that called? 233 00:10:03,370 --> 00:10:04,638 Harvey. 234 00:10:04,705 --> 00:10:06,907 Right. 235 00:10:06,974 --> 00:10:08,408 Duh. 236 00:10:08,475 --> 00:10:09,677 Loved that movie. 237 00:10:09,743 --> 00:10:11,645 A lot of people don't know it was originally a play, 238 00:10:11,712 --> 00:10:13,013 and then after the movie, 239 00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:14,682 they tried to make it a musical... Charlie. 240 00:10:14,748 --> 00:10:15,983 Yes, sir? Sit down. 241 00:10:16,049 --> 00:10:18,018 Yes, sir. 242 00:10:18,085 --> 00:10:22,823 Now... what are your intentions towards my daughter? 243 00:10:22,890 --> 00:10:24,758 Oh, right to the chase. 244 00:10:24,825 --> 00:10:25,759 Straight shooter. 245 00:10:25,826 --> 00:10:27,027 I like that. 246 00:10:33,100 --> 00:10:36,203 Ah, thirsty. 247 00:10:37,805 --> 00:10:39,339 So, where were we? 248 00:10:39,406 --> 00:10:43,043 He wants to know what your intentions are towards Rose. 249 00:10:43,110 --> 00:10:48,148 Thank you. 250 00:10:48,215 --> 00:10:51,218 Well, I-I would have to say that my intentions are good. 251 00:10:51,284 --> 00:10:53,053 In fact, anybody who knows me would confirm 252 00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:56,890 that Charlie Harper has good intentions. 253 00:10:56,957 --> 00:10:58,058 His actions, on the other hand, 254 00:10:58,125 --> 00:11:02,395 are usually selfish and asinine. 255 00:11:02,462 --> 00:11:04,331 Again, thank you. 256 00:11:04,397 --> 00:11:08,201 Okay, Harvey, well, I'm glad we had this chance to talk... 257 00:11:08,268 --> 00:11:08,635 Sit down. 258 00:11:08,702 --> 00:11:09,870 Sorry. 259 00:11:09,937 --> 00:11:12,272 So, are you going to marry my daughter or not? 260 00:11:12,339 --> 00:11:13,306 Not. Not? 261 00:11:13,373 --> 00:11:15,943 A very well-intended not. 262 00:11:16,009 --> 00:11:18,812 So, after two years together, 263 00:11:18,879 --> 00:11:21,381 you just plan to keep on stringing her along? 264 00:11:21,448 --> 00:11:22,649 No, I would never... 265 00:11:22,716 --> 00:11:24,885 Wait a minute, did you say two years? 266 00:11:24,952 --> 00:11:27,788 Now, look, Rose cares very much about you, 267 00:11:27,855 --> 00:11:29,256 and she's not going to leave you. 268 00:11:29,322 --> 00:11:31,524 So I think the honorable thing for you to do 269 00:11:31,591 --> 00:11:32,926 is to let her go. 270 00:11:32,993 --> 00:11:36,263 Believe me, Harvey, I've tried. 271 00:11:37,297 --> 00:11:38,999 God, how I've tried. 272 00:11:39,066 --> 00:11:41,034 What's the problem? 273 00:11:41,101 --> 00:11:43,871 You love her too much? 274 00:11:43,937 --> 00:11:46,006 Not exactly. 275 00:11:46,073 --> 00:11:50,377 I mean, she is a wonderful gal, and I do care for her, but... 276 00:11:50,443 --> 00:11:51,879 you see... 277 00:11:51,945 --> 00:11:55,215 What, the peanut gallery taking a break? 278 00:11:55,282 --> 00:11:59,019 Harvey, the truth is, Charlie has tried to end it, 279 00:11:59,086 --> 00:12:01,889 but your daughter doesn't handle rejection all that well. 280 00:12:01,955 --> 00:12:03,356 Or all that legally. 281 00:12:04,591 --> 00:12:06,026 And in my defense, 282 00:12:06,093 --> 00:12:07,995 we're not talking about a long-term relationship. 283 00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:10,798 We're talking about a couple of nights of drunken, 284 00:12:10,864 --> 00:12:13,500 frenzied sex two years apart. 285 00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:15,002 That's your defense? 286 00:12:15,068 --> 00:12:17,270 I didn't say it was a good defense. 287 00:12:17,337 --> 00:12:18,972 You'll have to forgive my brother. 288 00:12:19,039 --> 00:12:22,776 He thinks with his penis, and his penis isn't very bright. 289 00:12:24,477 --> 00:12:25,578 That's true. 290 00:12:25,645 --> 00:12:28,415 Anybody who knows me will confirm that. 291 00:12:28,481 --> 00:12:29,416 ( knock at door ) 292 00:12:29,482 --> 00:12:31,584 I can confirm that. 293 00:12:31,651 --> 00:12:33,854 Oh, for God's sake. 294 00:12:37,891 --> 00:12:39,159 Rose, did you tell your father 295 00:12:39,226 --> 00:12:40,593 we've been going out for two years? 296 00:12:40,660 --> 00:12:41,795 Well, yeah. 297 00:12:41,862 --> 00:12:44,731 I thought it sounded better than saying we had a one-night stand, 298 00:12:44,798 --> 00:12:47,167 and then I stalked you for two years. 299 00:12:47,234 --> 00:12:49,036 She's not wrong. 300 00:12:49,102 --> 00:12:51,238 Daddy... 301 00:12:51,304 --> 00:12:52,873 try to understand. 302 00:12:52,940 --> 00:12:55,008 I didn't want you feel sorry for me, 303 00:12:55,075 --> 00:12:57,477 or try to set me up with anybody... 304 00:12:57,544 --> 00:12:58,645 or have me committed. 305 00:12:58,711 --> 00:13:01,748 Oh, sweetheart, I would never do that. 306 00:13:01,815 --> 00:13:03,483 We're a wealthy family. 307 00:13:03,550 --> 00:13:04,684 We can afford home care. 308 00:13:04,751 --> 00:13:06,219 Okay. 309 00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:09,422 Well, I'm glad we had this chance to clear the air. 310 00:13:09,489 --> 00:13:11,758 I'm sure you two have a lot to talk about, 311 00:13:11,825 --> 00:13:14,794 so I'll let you get to it. 312 00:13:16,696 --> 00:13:17,630 Mom? 313 00:13:17,697 --> 00:13:19,833 Hang on, dear. 314 00:13:19,900 --> 00:13:21,434 ( phone ringing ) 315 00:13:21,501 --> 00:13:22,802 Hello? 316 00:13:22,870 --> 00:13:25,672 Alan. Oh, good, I'm glad you're home. 317 00:13:25,738 --> 00:13:27,607 Listen, uh, 318 00:13:27,674 --> 00:13:30,377 I'm in the neighborhood, and I know how Charlie hates it 319 00:13:30,443 --> 00:13:36,383 when I just drop in unannounced, so I thought I'd call first. 320 00:13:41,721 --> 00:13:44,824 I'll let him know. 321 00:13:44,892 --> 00:13:46,994 Charlie, Mom's coming over. 322 00:13:47,060 --> 00:13:49,930 Tell her I'm not here. 323 00:13:52,665 --> 00:13:54,467 Hi, sweetie. 324 00:13:54,534 --> 00:13:55,635 Oh, hello, Rose. 325 00:13:55,702 --> 00:13:56,836 Hi, Evelyn. 326 00:13:56,904 --> 00:13:58,872 Daddy, this is Charlie's mom, Evelyn. 327 00:13:58,939 --> 00:14:00,874 Evelyn, this is my father, Harvey. 328 00:14:00,941 --> 00:14:02,876 Harvey, nice to meet you. 329 00:14:02,943 --> 00:14:05,979 Nice to meet you. 330 00:14:10,850 --> 00:14:12,385 So what are we talking about? 331 00:14:12,452 --> 00:14:15,488 Well, Charlie and I got hammered last night, 332 00:14:15,555 --> 00:14:19,026 and then somebody suggested a sponge bath... 333 00:14:19,092 --> 00:14:22,295 It might've been me. 334 00:14:22,362 --> 00:14:24,864 And then we ended up spending the night together. 335 00:14:24,932 --> 00:14:27,434 I see. 336 00:14:27,500 --> 00:14:32,605 Are you as proud of yours as I am of mine? 337 00:14:35,475 --> 00:14:38,278 Well, you know, you do the best you can to raise them, 338 00:14:38,345 --> 00:14:40,380 but, in the end, they drive down life's highway 339 00:14:40,447 --> 00:14:41,448 on their own. 340 00:14:41,514 --> 00:14:42,983 Isn't that the truth. 341 00:14:43,050 --> 00:14:44,417 I think God gives us children 342 00:14:44,484 --> 00:14:47,187 so death won't come as such a disappointment. 343 00:14:52,659 --> 00:14:56,429 So, Evelyn... are you married? 344 00:14:56,496 --> 00:14:58,598 Not at the moment. 345 00:15:00,267 --> 00:15:01,001 Why? 346 00:15:01,068 --> 00:15:02,269 What'd you have in mind? 347 00:15:02,335 --> 00:15:06,306 Well, maybe we could start with a little dinner. 348 00:15:06,373 --> 00:15:08,341 Sounds good. 349 00:15:09,842 --> 00:15:12,445 But how do you want to finish? 350 00:15:12,512 --> 00:15:16,316 Simultaneously. 351 00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:20,320 Oh, he's good. 352 00:15:22,155 --> 00:15:23,957 * Men... 353 00:15:24,024 --> 00:15:27,260 ( phone rings ) 354 00:15:29,162 --> 00:15:31,064 Hello. Oh, hi, Mom. 355 00:15:31,131 --> 00:15:32,199 Hold on. Alan! 356 00:15:32,265 --> 00:15:34,701 Yeah? Get the door. 357 00:15:37,670 --> 00:15:40,507 Boys, we have a problem. 358 00:15:40,573 --> 00:15:41,541 We need to talk. 359 00:15:41,608 --> 00:15:43,376 What's going on? 360 00:15:43,443 --> 00:15:45,212 We haven't seen you in a couple of days. 361 00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:47,547 Not that we're complaining. Merely an observation. 362 00:15:47,614 --> 00:15:50,317 Well, as you know, I have been seeing Rose's father. 363 00:15:50,383 --> 00:15:52,152 Uh-huh. And how's that going? 364 00:15:52,219 --> 00:15:53,886 ( sighs ): At first it was wonderful. 365 00:15:53,953 --> 00:15:58,858 He was handsome, charming, and a raging bull in the sack. 366 00:15:58,925 --> 00:16:00,127 No mental pictures. 367 00:16:00,193 --> 00:16:01,628 Push 'em out. 368 00:16:01,694 --> 00:16:03,696 Don't give them to me. 369 00:16:03,763 --> 00:16:06,266 But what I didn't realize is the man has 370 00:16:06,333 --> 00:16:11,104 the emotional stability of a bag of rats in a burning meth lab. 371 00:16:11,171 --> 00:16:12,605 What'd he do? 372 00:16:12,672 --> 00:16:13,673 It's what he didn't do. 373 00:16:13,740 --> 00:16:14,941 Okay, what didn't he do? 374 00:16:15,008 --> 00:16:17,410 Leave. 375 00:16:17,477 --> 00:16:20,613 A couple of days of Viagra-enhanced boinking, 376 00:16:20,680 --> 00:16:23,516 and he suddenly thinks he lives with me. 377 00:16:23,583 --> 00:16:24,917 He's moving my furniture around! 378 00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:26,953 He's getting his mail forwarded. 379 00:16:27,020 --> 00:16:29,422 He had a satellite dish installed. 380 00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:31,124 Did he get the NFL package? 381 00:16:31,191 --> 00:16:33,993 Charlie, please, this is not funny. 382 00:16:34,061 --> 00:16:36,129 This man is obsessed with me. 383 00:16:36,196 --> 00:16:37,997 He will not let me out of his sight. 384 00:16:38,065 --> 00:16:39,566 Wherever I go, there he is 385 00:16:39,632 --> 00:16:42,402 with a stupid, love-smitten look on his face. 386 00:16:42,469 --> 00:16:44,804 You just want to hit him with a shovel. 387 00:16:44,871 --> 00:16:47,807 Well, what do you want us to do? 388 00:16:47,874 --> 00:16:50,577 Come over to my house and hit him with a shovel. 389 00:16:50,643 --> 00:16:52,879 Wouldn't it be easier to keep feeding him Viagra 390 00:16:52,945 --> 00:16:54,214 until he strokes out? 391 00:16:54,281 --> 00:16:55,882 Charlie, don't be ridiculous. 392 00:16:55,948 --> 00:16:57,817 That could take months. 393 00:16:57,884 --> 00:16:59,652 Come on, now, guys, think. 394 00:16:59,719 --> 00:17:02,155 How can I get this loon out of my house? 395 00:17:02,222 --> 00:17:03,990 I say we bring in some expert help. 396 00:17:04,057 --> 00:17:06,025 Way ahead of you-- Rose! 397 00:17:06,093 --> 00:17:07,860 Yes, Charlie? 398 00:17:07,927 --> 00:17:08,995 Road trip. 399 00:17:09,062 --> 00:17:12,599 Oh, goody, I'll meet you in the garage. 400 00:17:22,409 --> 00:17:23,976 ( whistle blowing on TV ) 401 00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:25,912 ( sighs ) 402 00:17:25,978 --> 00:17:27,347 Daddy? 403 00:17:27,414 --> 00:17:31,251 Oh, Rose, good, you got my change of address card. 404 00:17:32,519 --> 00:17:35,622 And there's my other favorite gal. 405 00:17:35,688 --> 00:17:36,256 Hello, Harvey. 406 00:17:36,323 --> 00:17:38,057 Where were you, puddin' pop? 407 00:17:38,125 --> 00:17:39,792 I was worried sick. 408 00:17:39,859 --> 00:17:41,194 I just went out. 409 00:17:41,261 --> 00:17:43,096 I didn't see you leave. 410 00:17:43,163 --> 00:17:44,231 That's because I climbed 411 00:17:44,297 --> 00:17:46,032 out the laundry room window. 412 00:17:46,099 --> 00:17:49,569 Oh, aren't you a limber little minx? 413 00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:55,742 Daddy, we need to talk. 414 00:17:55,808 --> 00:17:56,809 Yes, right away, honey. 415 00:17:56,876 --> 00:17:57,444 Hey, fellas! 416 00:17:57,510 --> 00:17:59,746 Are you ready for some football? 417 00:17:59,812 --> 00:18:03,816 Evie, why don't you get our guests some cold drinks? 418 00:18:03,883 --> 00:18:05,618 Yes, of course, dear. 419 00:18:05,685 --> 00:18:08,855 Garden shed, shovel, bag of lime. 420 00:18:11,158 --> 00:18:14,661 Daddy, listen to me very closely. 421 00:18:14,727 --> 00:18:16,028 Okay. 422 00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:18,064 You don't live here. 423 00:18:18,131 --> 00:18:19,899 Yes, I do. 424 00:18:19,966 --> 00:18:21,234 Look at me. 425 00:18:21,301 --> 00:18:23,803 We've been through this before, remember? 426 00:18:23,870 --> 00:18:28,007 The pretty receptionist at your psychiatrist's office? 427 00:18:28,074 --> 00:18:30,710 Oh, yeah. Cheryl. 428 00:18:30,777 --> 00:18:34,214 She had a mean lawyer. 429 00:18:34,281 --> 00:18:35,882 Well, this is different. 430 00:18:35,948 --> 00:18:38,485 Evelyn and I are in love, and we're gonna get married. 431 00:18:38,551 --> 00:18:40,253 Isn't that right, puddin' pop? 432 00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:44,424 Not if you were the last crazy man on earth. 433 00:18:44,491 --> 00:18:47,294 Guys, feel free to call me "Dad." 434 00:18:49,196 --> 00:18:51,097 No, thank you. I couldn't. 435 00:18:51,164 --> 00:18:54,467 Daddy, pay attention. 436 00:18:54,534 --> 00:18:55,702 Okay. 437 00:18:55,768 --> 00:18:59,239 I know what it feels like to be so in love with someone 438 00:18:59,306 --> 00:19:00,573 you want to crawl inside them 439 00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:02,209 so that you're wearing their skin 440 00:19:02,275 --> 00:19:04,177 like a leotard with nipples. 441 00:19:07,747 --> 00:19:09,616 But what I've learned is that not everyone 442 00:19:09,682 --> 00:19:11,584 is ready for that kind of intimacy. 443 00:19:11,651 --> 00:19:14,120 Take me and Charlie, for example. 444 00:19:14,187 --> 00:19:15,755 We slept together two years ago, 445 00:19:15,822 --> 00:19:17,657 realized how much better we were as friends, 446 00:19:17,724 --> 00:19:20,159 and we haven't done it again since. 447 00:19:22,094 --> 00:19:23,129 We haven't? 448 00:19:23,196 --> 00:19:24,063 You were too drunk. 449 00:19:24,130 --> 00:19:26,566 I was gonna tell you eventually. 450 00:19:26,633 --> 00:19:29,569 Why'd you let me think we did? 451 00:19:29,636 --> 00:19:31,571 Because it doesn't make any difference. 452 00:19:31,638 --> 00:19:35,475 I'm in this for the long haul. 453 00:19:35,542 --> 00:19:37,844 You know, sweetheart, when Evie and I get married, 454 00:19:37,910 --> 00:19:39,912 Charlie will be your stepbrother. 455 00:19:39,979 --> 00:19:42,815 Oh, I didn't think of that. 456 00:19:42,882 --> 00:19:44,917 Ooh, tres kinky. 457 00:19:44,984 --> 00:19:47,620 Rose, stick with the plan. 458 00:19:47,687 --> 00:19:50,223 Okay. 459 00:19:50,290 --> 00:19:52,359 I didn't want to have to do this, 460 00:19:52,425 --> 00:19:55,094 but I brought someone else here to talk to you. 461 00:19:55,161 --> 00:19:56,363 Who? 462 00:19:56,429 --> 00:19:58,465 Come on in, Grandma! 463 00:20:00,367 --> 00:20:01,834 You brought Mother? 464 00:20:01,901 --> 00:20:03,536 HARVEY'S MOTHER: Harvey! 465 00:20:03,603 --> 00:20:05,738 How many times have I told you 466 00:20:05,805 --> 00:20:08,641 not to leave the estate without telling me? 467 00:20:08,708 --> 00:20:09,942 Aw, Mom. 468 00:20:10,009 --> 00:20:11,177 Playtime's over. 469 00:20:11,244 --> 00:20:12,545 Get in the car, we're going home. 470 00:20:12,612 --> 00:20:14,914 But, Mom, we're getting married! 471 00:20:14,981 --> 00:20:16,716 To this trash? 472 00:20:16,783 --> 00:20:18,285 I don't think so. 473 00:20:18,351 --> 00:20:20,287 Excuse me? 474 00:20:20,353 --> 00:20:22,389 Roll with it, Mom. 475 00:20:22,455 --> 00:20:24,924 I'm counting to three, Harvey. 476 00:20:24,991 --> 00:20:26,459 One, two... 477 00:20:26,526 --> 00:20:29,996 I'm going, I'm going. 478 00:20:30,062 --> 00:20:31,564 Keep the robe. 479 00:20:31,631 --> 00:20:34,200 Thanks, I'm not wearing pants. 480 00:20:34,267 --> 00:20:37,837 Harvey! Do you want me to put you over my knee? 481 00:20:37,904 --> 00:20:39,739 All right, I'm going. 482 00:20:43,175 --> 00:20:45,445 He's really a good boy. 483 00:20:45,512 --> 00:20:49,416 But these things happen when you marry a first cousin. 484 00:20:53,420 --> 00:20:56,823 I say they're lucky to have thumbs. 485 00:20:56,889 --> 00:20:59,992 * Men... 486 00:21:01,861 --> 00:21:04,030 I'm really sorry to impose on you. 487 00:21:04,096 --> 00:21:05,131 I just feel very uncomfortable 488 00:21:05,197 --> 00:21:06,433 being home alone tonight. 489 00:21:06,499 --> 00:21:08,000 No problem, you can sleep in my room. 490 00:21:08,067 --> 00:21:09,402 Where will you sleep? 491 00:21:09,469 --> 00:21:11,938 I don't know, I'll find somebody. 492 00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:14,974 I'm beat. 493 00:21:15,041 --> 00:21:15,975 I'm gonna go to bed. 494 00:21:16,042 --> 00:21:18,010 Good night. Good night, sweetheart. 495 00:21:18,077 --> 00:21:19,779 Good night, Mom. 496 00:21:28,220 --> 00:21:30,657 Sleep tight, puddin' pop.