1
00:00:01,802 --> 00:00:02,803
Why do you have
to leave?

2
00:00:02,870 --> 00:00:04,638
Charlie,
I have to get home.

3
00:00:04,705 --> 00:00:05,706
I have to feed my cat.

4
00:00:05,773 --> 00:00:06,840
I have to feed my fish.

5
00:00:06,907 --> 00:00:08,042
We've been in bed
for three days.

6
00:00:08,109 --> 00:00:09,577
I'm guessing the cat's fed

7
00:00:09,643 --> 00:00:12,746
and what's left of the fish
is in the kitty litter.

8
00:00:12,813 --> 00:00:14,648
Well, I also have a job.

9
00:00:14,715 --> 00:00:15,649
Call in sick.

10
00:00:15,716 --> 00:00:16,817
I did it yesterday.

11
00:00:16,884 --> 00:00:17,885
Okay, call in horny.

12
00:00:17,951 --> 00:00:19,553
I'll write you a note.

13
00:00:19,620 --> 00:00:20,788
I wish I could.

14
00:00:20,854 --> 00:00:21,755
I love being with you.

15
00:00:21,822 --> 00:00:24,125
Me, too.

16
00:00:24,192 --> 00:00:26,460
And having you here
just makes it all the better.

17
00:00:26,527 --> 00:00:30,364
You know, we've been seeing each
other for over two months now,

18
00:00:30,431 --> 00:00:32,233
and you've never spent the night
at my place.

19
00:00:32,300 --> 00:00:34,034
Okay, well, go clean up
the dead animals

20
00:00:34,102 --> 00:00:35,803
and I'll come over
tonight.

21
00:00:35,869 --> 00:00:36,704
Deal.

22
00:00:36,770 --> 00:00:37,738
I'll cook you dinner.

23
00:00:37,805 --> 00:00:39,340
Great.

24
00:00:43,111 --> 00:00:45,479
I think I love you,
Charlie Harper.

25
00:00:48,649 --> 00:00:50,484
Thank you.

26
00:00:51,752 --> 00:00:52,720
I'll see you later.

27
00:00:58,959 --> 00:01:00,094
Wait a minute.

28
00:01:00,928 --> 00:01:02,996
Did you just say "thank you"?

29
00:01:03,063 --> 00:01:04,398
Did I?

30
00:01:04,465 --> 00:01:09,103
Yes, I said "I think I love
you," and you said "thank you."

31
00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:11,905
What's that supposed to mean?

32
00:01:11,972 --> 00:01:13,941
Thank you?

33
00:01:14,007 --> 00:01:16,677
It's an expression
of appreciation.

34
00:01:17,878 --> 00:01:19,847
Thank you.

35
00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:21,182
That's it?

36
00:01:21,249 --> 00:01:22,983
You don't have anything to add?

37
00:01:23,050 --> 00:01:25,686
Thank you...

38
00:01:25,753 --> 00:01:27,955
so very much.

39
00:01:28,021 --> 00:01:29,690
Great, that's-that's great.

40
00:01:29,757 --> 00:01:32,226
I open my heart to you
and you couldn't care less.

41
00:01:32,293 --> 00:01:33,294
Well, that's not fair.

42
00:01:33,361 --> 00:01:35,529
I could care less, a lot less.

43
00:01:35,596 --> 00:01:37,131
Oh, come on,

44
00:01:37,198 --> 00:01:39,300
what do you want me to do?
Lie to you?

45
00:01:39,367 --> 00:01:42,436
No, I want you to drop dead,

46
00:01:42,503 --> 00:01:45,806
you smug, cold-hearted
son of a bitch.

47
00:01:52,146 --> 00:01:54,515
Phew, that could have been ugly.

48
00:01:54,582 --> 00:01:57,485
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *

49
00:01:57,551 --> 00:02:00,721
* Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh...

50
00:02:02,323 --> 00:02:04,358
Hey, guess what happened
at school today.

51
00:02:04,425 --> 00:02:06,093
You made the honor roll.

52
00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:08,696
What's that?

53
00:02:08,762 --> 00:02:10,231
Forget it.

54
00:02:10,298 --> 00:02:11,865
What happened at school?

55
00:02:11,932 --> 00:02:13,167
Well, there's this girl.

56
00:02:13,234 --> 00:02:14,335
Okay, now
I'm listening.

57
00:02:14,402 --> 00:02:16,337
Her name
is Robin Newberry.

58
00:02:16,404 --> 00:02:19,072
Name's not important, proceed.

59
00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:20,741
She gave me a cupcake.

60
00:02:20,808 --> 00:02:21,342
Yeah, so?

61
00:02:21,409 --> 00:02:22,910
I think she likes me.

62
00:02:22,976 --> 00:02:23,744
So what's the problem?

63
00:02:23,811 --> 00:02:26,780
Now I think she thinks
I like her back.

64
00:02:26,847 --> 00:02:27,981
Do you?

65
00:02:28,048 --> 00:02:32,085
I didn't think I did, but it was
a really good cupcake.

66
00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:34,188
Wow.

67
00:02:34,255 --> 00:02:35,389
What a perfect metaphor.

68
00:02:35,456 --> 00:02:38,526
No, it was a cupcake.

69
00:02:40,294 --> 00:02:41,629
Okay, blank slate,
have a seat.

70
00:02:43,331 --> 00:02:44,898
I'm going
to tell you something

71
00:02:44,965 --> 00:02:46,967
that will serve you well
for your entire life.

72
00:02:47,034 --> 00:02:50,003
Like when you're peeing outside
always face down wind?

73
00:02:50,070 --> 00:02:51,205
Better.

74
00:02:51,272 --> 00:02:53,307
By the way, what the hell
were you thinking?

75
00:02:53,374 --> 00:02:57,445
I was thinking "Boy, I hope
that's really warm rain."

76
00:02:57,511 --> 00:02:59,413
Okay.

77
00:02:59,480 --> 00:03:01,349
Let's focus
on today's lesson.

78
00:03:01,415 --> 00:03:04,785
Never ever confuse cupcakes
with love.

79
00:03:04,852 --> 00:03:07,187
But I love cupcakes.

80
00:03:07,255 --> 00:03:08,756
We all love cupcakes.

81
00:03:08,822 --> 00:03:11,024
That doesn't mean you have
to love the baker.

82
00:03:11,091 --> 00:03:11,859
Her mom baked it.

83
00:03:11,925 --> 00:03:13,026
You're missing the point.

84
00:03:13,093 --> 00:03:14,228
Robin just helped
with the icing.

85
00:03:14,295 --> 00:03:15,496
Okay, okay.

86
00:03:15,563 --> 00:03:19,767
She made a smiley face
with Red Hots.

87
00:03:20,334 --> 00:03:21,835
I get it.

88
00:03:21,902 --> 00:03:25,439
I'm just saying that when
someone freely gives you
her cupcake,

89
00:03:25,506 --> 00:03:27,475
your only obligation
is to enjoy it.

90
00:03:27,541 --> 00:03:29,076
There's no reason to get
emotionally involved.

91
00:03:29,142 --> 00:03:32,313
Why not?
Because, if you do,
the next thing you know,

92
00:03:32,380 --> 00:03:33,914
you'll be stuck eating
the same damn cupcake

93
00:03:33,981 --> 00:03:36,850
for the rest
of your life.

94
00:03:39,086 --> 00:03:41,989
But it was
a really good cupcake.

95
00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:43,291
I can't stop thinking
about it.

96
00:03:43,357 --> 00:03:47,661
Yeah. I've had cupcakes
like that.

97
00:03:47,728 --> 00:03:49,463
But the thing you've got
to remember is,

98
00:03:49,530 --> 00:03:51,432
there'll always be
other cupcakes.

99
00:03:51,499 --> 00:03:52,900
And if the day should come

100
00:03:52,966 --> 00:03:55,303
when you find yourself
in a cupcake drought--

101
00:03:55,369 --> 00:03:58,472
and those days come,
don't kid yourself--

102
00:03:58,539 --> 00:04:00,508
well, then you just shell
out a couple of bucks

103
00:04:00,574 --> 00:04:02,743
for a nice Ho-Ho.

104
00:04:06,747 --> 00:04:07,681
Understand?

105
00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:09,750
I think so.
Thanks, Uncle Charlie.

106
00:04:09,817 --> 00:04:11,352
No problem.

107
00:04:11,419 --> 00:04:13,754
Hey, what are you guys
talking about?

108
00:04:13,821 --> 00:04:15,689
Sex.

109
00:04:17,658 --> 00:04:20,694
Well, how about that?

110
00:04:20,761 --> 00:04:23,464
The booger-eater
grasped the symbolism.

111
00:04:24,698 --> 00:04:27,335
You were talking to my son
about sex?

112
00:04:27,401 --> 00:04:29,169
He came to me
with a cupcake problem.

113
00:04:29,236 --> 00:04:30,571
I thought it was about sex.

114
00:04:30,638 --> 00:04:33,474
I was using cupcakes
as a metaphor.

115
00:04:33,541 --> 00:04:35,008
Jeez, the kid got it.

116
00:04:36,310 --> 00:04:38,245
Okay, walk me through
the metaphor.

117
00:04:38,312 --> 00:04:40,381
Some little girl
gave him a cupcake.

118
00:04:40,448 --> 00:04:41,449
Okay, okay, stop.

119
00:04:41,515 --> 00:04:43,016
Gave him a cupcake?

120
00:04:43,083 --> 00:04:44,585
Are we talking baked goods

121
00:04:44,652 --> 00:04:46,887
or are we talking some new
hip-hop slang?

122
00:04:46,954 --> 00:04:48,556
Baked goods.

123
00:04:48,622 --> 00:04:50,924
I told him it was okay
to enjoy the cupcake,

124
00:04:50,991 --> 00:04:52,760
without feeling emotionally
obligated to the girl.

125
00:04:52,826 --> 00:04:55,429
So in essence,
you just told my son

126
00:04:55,496 --> 00:04:56,830
it's okay to have sex
with a girl

127
00:04:56,897 --> 00:04:58,566
without having any feelings
towards her?

128
00:04:58,632 --> 00:05:02,936
Lucky for us he asks me stuff
I know about.

129
00:05:03,003 --> 00:05:04,938
There's no "us" here.

130
00:05:05,005 --> 00:05:05,973
There's no "lucky."

131
00:05:06,039 --> 00:05:06,874
That's a terrible lesson.

132
00:05:06,940 --> 00:05:08,742
Hey, I could have done
20 minutes

133
00:05:08,809 --> 00:05:10,911
just on licking the icing.

134
00:05:13,046 --> 00:05:14,915
But I took the high road.

135
00:05:14,982 --> 00:05:15,849
Okay, okay, enough.

136
00:05:15,916 --> 00:05:16,850
Here's the deal.

137
00:05:16,917 --> 00:05:17,885
From now on,

138
00:05:17,951 --> 00:05:20,020
all cupcake conversations
will be referred to me.

139
00:05:20,087 --> 00:05:21,188
Why?

140
00:05:21,254 --> 00:05:24,124
You don't know the difference
between a Ding Dong

141
00:05:24,191 --> 00:05:27,728
and your elbow.

142
00:05:27,795 --> 00:05:31,999
Nevertheless, I do not want him
learning about relationships

143
00:05:32,065 --> 00:05:33,033
from a misogynist.

144
00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:34,101
A misogynist?

145
00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:35,736
You're saying I'm a misogynist?

146
00:05:35,803 --> 00:05:37,971
Yes, Charlie,
you are a misogynist.

147
00:05:39,139 --> 00:05:40,608
I'm a misogynist.
Mm-hmm.

148
00:05:40,674 --> 00:05:43,076
I'm a misogynist.

149
00:05:43,143 --> 00:05:44,277
That is really low, Alan,

150
00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:47,848
calling your own brother
a misogynist.

151
00:05:47,915 --> 00:05:49,983
G-I-N or G-E-N?

152
00:05:52,152 --> 00:05:53,621
G-Y-N.

153
00:05:53,687 --> 00:05:54,922
Thanks.

154
00:05:54,988 --> 00:05:57,024
I do not hate women.

155
00:05:57,090 --> 00:05:58,559
Oh, come on, Charlie.

156
00:05:58,626 --> 00:06:01,361
If anything, I am
the opposite of a misogynist.

157
00:06:01,429 --> 00:06:04,097
I'm a... pro-sogynist.

158
00:06:04,164 --> 00:06:05,132
I love women.

159
00:06:05,198 --> 00:06:06,299
Oh, is that so?

160
00:06:06,366 --> 00:06:08,869
Even if there's no possibility
of having sex with them?

161
00:06:14,174 --> 00:06:14,775
What?

162
00:06:14,842 --> 00:06:15,709
Exactly.

163
00:06:15,776 --> 00:06:17,110
And it is precisely
that attitude

164
00:06:17,177 --> 00:06:19,279
that I do not want my son
to grow up with.

165
00:06:19,346 --> 00:06:20,347
Okay, okay.

166
00:06:20,414 --> 00:06:21,782
Hold it just a second.

167
00:06:21,849 --> 00:06:23,851
So you'd rather he grow
up to be like you?

168
00:06:23,917 --> 00:06:26,053
Scared of women,
manipulated by women?

169
00:06:26,119 --> 00:06:26,887
That's not true.

170
00:06:26,954 --> 00:06:28,221
Oh, please,
look at your ex-wife.

171
00:06:28,288 --> 00:06:29,389
Say what you want
about me,

172
00:06:29,457 --> 00:06:30,924
but at least
I've never chosen

173
00:06:30,991 --> 00:06:33,060
to have women in my life who
do nothing but mistreat me.

174
00:06:33,126 --> 00:06:34,027
BERTA:
Hey, stud!

175
00:06:34,094 --> 00:06:36,029
I don't know what kind
of sick, twisted party

176
00:06:36,096 --> 00:06:37,931
you had in your bedroom
the last couple of days,

177
00:06:37,998 --> 00:06:40,934
but I sure as hell
ain't cleaning it up.

178
00:06:45,473 --> 00:06:49,342
That is different,
way different.

179
00:06:49,409 --> 00:06:52,212
* Men

180
00:06:52,279 --> 00:06:54,314
Hey, Dad, what time is it?

181
00:06:54,381 --> 00:06:55,716
Uh, 20 after 6:00,
why?

182
00:06:55,783 --> 00:06:58,118
'Cause I have to call
my girlfriend at 6:30.

183
00:07:02,255 --> 00:07:04,257
Um, w-what girlfriend?

184
00:07:04,324 --> 00:07:05,292
Robin Newberry.

185
00:07:05,358 --> 00:07:07,427
Cupcake Robin Newberry?

186
00:07:10,430 --> 00:07:11,431
Charlie,
stay out of it.

187
00:07:11,499 --> 00:07:12,833
How can I stay out of it?

188
00:07:12,900 --> 00:07:14,301
If I saw a bus heading for him,

189
00:07:14,367 --> 00:07:16,704
would I not throw myself
in front of it to save him?

190
00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:19,540
Would you?
I'm just making
a point here.

191
00:07:19,607 --> 00:07:21,975
Charlie, if you don't mind,
I'll handle it.

192
00:07:22,042 --> 00:07:24,044
Jake, I thought we talked
about this.

193
00:07:24,111 --> 00:07:26,446
Yeah, you said I shouldn't take
a cupcake from a girl

194
00:07:26,514 --> 00:07:27,481
if I don't like her.

195
00:07:27,548 --> 00:07:28,448
That's right.

196
00:07:28,516 --> 00:07:31,351
So I decided to like her.

197
00:07:31,418 --> 00:07:32,620
We're exclusive.

198
00:07:36,223 --> 00:07:37,057
Exclusive?

199
00:07:37,124 --> 00:07:39,292
That means I don't talk
to other girls

200
00:07:39,359 --> 00:07:41,762
and I get a cupcake every day.

201
00:07:44,532 --> 00:07:45,398
I better call now.

202
00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:47,100
If I'm late, she yells at me.

203
00:07:48,602 --> 00:07:49,937
Congratulations,
Alan.

204
00:07:50,003 --> 00:07:52,806
You're son
is officially pastry-whipped.

205
00:08:00,548 --> 00:08:02,683
ROSE:
Marco!

206
00:08:03,984 --> 00:08:05,719
Not now, Rose.

207
00:08:07,387 --> 00:08:09,623
Marco!

208
00:08:09,690 --> 00:08:12,660
Rose, I'm not in the mood.

209
00:08:13,093 --> 00:08:14,795
Marco!

210
00:08:17,631 --> 00:08:19,867
Polo.

211
00:08:22,703 --> 00:08:24,037
Hey, Charlie.

212
00:08:24,104 --> 00:08:25,005
Hey.

213
00:08:25,072 --> 00:08:27,474
Is something wrong?

214
00:08:27,541 --> 00:08:29,076
I'm not sure.

215
00:08:29,142 --> 00:08:31,612
Rose, do you think
I'm a misogynist?

216
00:08:31,679 --> 00:08:35,515
Oh, wow, yeah.

217
00:08:35,583 --> 00:08:37,651
Did somebody say
you weren't?

218
00:08:39,587 --> 00:08:41,689
Marco!

219
00:08:41,755 --> 00:08:43,190
How can I be a misogynist?

220
00:08:43,256 --> 00:08:45,693
My whole life is a testament
to my love for women.

221
00:08:45,759 --> 00:08:48,662
Oh, it's sweet
that you think that.

222
00:08:48,729 --> 00:08:50,063
But what you call love

223
00:08:50,130 --> 00:08:52,766
is really just an obsession
to control and dominate

224
00:08:52,833 --> 00:08:55,435
based on mistrust
and hostility.

225
00:08:55,502 --> 00:08:58,071
Yeah, so?

226
00:08:58,138 --> 00:09:01,408
You forget I spent the night
with you once.

227
00:09:01,474 --> 00:09:04,044
You don't make love to a woman.

228
00:09:04,111 --> 00:09:05,746
You overpower her.

229
00:09:05,813 --> 00:09:07,180
You subjugate her.

230
00:09:07,247 --> 00:09:10,183
You... ravage her.

231
00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:18,659
Anywho, it's obvious
you're still trying

232
00:09:18,726 --> 00:09:21,094
to resolve long-standing
Oedipal issues.

233
00:09:21,161 --> 00:09:23,597
Hold on.

234
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,136
O-E-D...

235
00:09:29,202 --> 00:09:30,203
You sure?

236
00:09:30,270 --> 00:09:32,139
Yeah, I have a masters
in psychology

237
00:09:32,205 --> 00:09:33,807
and I know how to spell.

238
00:09:33,874 --> 00:09:37,878
( mimicking Rose ):
I have a masters in psychology
and I know how to spell.

239
00:09:37,945 --> 00:09:39,579
Here it is, Oedipus complex.

240
00:09:40,948 --> 00:09:41,782
Okay, that's what I thought.

241
00:09:41,849 --> 00:09:43,316
That's just sick.

242
00:09:43,383 --> 00:09:47,655
Unconscious, unresolved
sexual feeling towards
my mother?

243
00:09:47,721 --> 00:09:50,157
I didn't write the dictionary,
Charlie.

244
00:09:50,223 --> 00:09:51,659
But it's not true.

245
00:09:51,725 --> 00:09:53,093
I despise my mother.

246
00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:54,628
Consciously, yes.

247
00:09:54,695 --> 00:09:57,831
And that's why you conflate
sex and aggression.

248
00:09:57,898 --> 00:09:59,633
It's textbook misogyny.

249
00:09:59,700 --> 00:10:00,634
"Conflate"?

250
00:10:00,701 --> 00:10:03,904
Come on, what is it,
fancy word day?

251
00:10:03,971 --> 00:10:06,740
It means
to join together.

252
00:10:06,807 --> 00:10:07,808
Thank you.

253
00:10:07,875 --> 00:10:08,942
So what are you saying?

254
00:10:09,009 --> 00:10:10,410
You will never be able
to have

255
00:10:10,477 --> 00:10:14,281
a trusting and truly loving
relationship with any woman,

256
00:10:14,347 --> 00:10:16,416
until you resolve your feelings
about your mother.

257
00:10:16,483 --> 00:10:19,720
Ah... broads have been
telling me that for years.

258
00:10:19,787 --> 00:10:21,188
It's a lot of hooey.

259
00:10:21,254 --> 00:10:23,456
It's okay, Charlie.

260
00:10:23,523 --> 00:10:27,127
The world is filled with women
who seek out misogynists.

261
00:10:27,194 --> 00:10:28,862
Women who need men
to mistreat them

262
00:10:28,929 --> 00:10:30,931
and provide them with angry,
aggressive sex

263
00:10:30,998 --> 00:10:34,935
in order to satisfy
their own twisted pathology.

264
00:10:35,002 --> 00:10:37,004
I see.

265
00:10:37,070 --> 00:10:40,640
Well, I guess I'll just have
to look for a woman like that.

266
00:10:40,708 --> 00:10:42,075
Marco!

267
00:10:44,411 --> 00:10:46,346
* Men

268
00:10:48,281 --> 00:10:49,783
Thanks for giving me
another chance.

269
00:10:49,850 --> 00:10:52,786
You were so darling
on the phone, I couldn't resist.

270
00:10:52,853 --> 00:10:55,355
Look, I know I know I've got
some intimacy issues,

271
00:10:55,422 --> 00:10:56,156
but I'm working
on them.

272
00:10:56,223 --> 00:10:58,826
And if you could
just be patient with me,

273
00:10:58,892 --> 00:11:04,097
I think you and I
could truly... conflate.

274
00:11:11,338 --> 00:11:12,605
What's conflate mean?

275
00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:15,108
( screaming )

276
00:11:21,014 --> 00:11:23,350
Look, you don't
have to go.

277
00:11:23,416 --> 00:11:24,885
Relax, Charlie.

278
00:11:24,952 --> 00:11:27,154
All men have performance
problems occasionally.

279
00:11:27,220 --> 00:11:29,122
No, no, no, no,
it's not officially

280
00:11:29,189 --> 00:11:32,692
a performance problem
until we give up.

281
00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:35,929
Right now it's just
unusually long foreplay.

282
00:11:35,996 --> 00:11:37,998
I'm sorry, but I have
to get back to work.

283
00:11:38,065 --> 00:11:41,101
Damn, my carpal tunnel's
acting up.

284
00:11:42,569 --> 00:11:43,670
How about if I come with you?

285
00:11:43,737 --> 00:11:45,605
We can give it a shot
in your car.

286
00:11:45,672 --> 00:11:48,375
It's okay.
I still love you.

287
00:11:48,441 --> 00:11:50,210
Thank you.

288
00:11:51,912 --> 00:11:54,782
I mean, I really appreciate
your understanding

289
00:11:54,848 --> 00:11:58,551
and support
during this dark time.

290
00:11:58,618 --> 00:12:00,720
I'll call you.

291
00:12:14,334 --> 00:12:15,702
What?

292
00:12:15,769 --> 00:12:18,471
Nothing.

293
00:12:18,538 --> 00:12:19,973
Go ahead, say it.

294
00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:23,243
I, uh, I have nothing to say.

295
00:12:25,678 --> 00:12:27,314
Except, you know...

296
00:12:27,380 --> 00:12:29,917
ha-ha.

297
00:12:33,320 --> 00:12:34,354
Oh, my.

298
00:12:34,421 --> 00:12:38,191
Don't tell me I got
a rise out of you.

299
00:12:38,258 --> 00:12:41,528
Alan, I am right on the edge.

300
00:12:41,594 --> 00:12:43,230
Be very careful.

301
00:12:43,296 --> 00:12:44,965
Sorry.

302
00:12:45,032 --> 00:12:49,136
I didn't realize
it was so impotent.

303
00:12:55,142 --> 00:12:56,543
You forget one thing.

304
00:12:56,609 --> 00:12:57,811
Oh, what's that?

305
00:12:57,878 --> 00:12:59,446
I can still run.

306
00:13:05,452 --> 00:13:06,820
* Men

307
00:13:09,089 --> 00:13:11,424
( doorbell rings )

308
00:13:13,360 --> 00:13:15,695
EVELYN ( over speaker ):
Yes?

309
00:13:15,762 --> 00:13:16,830
Mom, it's me, Charlie.

310
00:13:16,897 --> 00:13:18,165
I-I'm a little busy right now.

311
00:13:18,231 --> 00:13:19,900
What do you want?
We need to talk.

312
00:13:19,967 --> 00:13:21,601
About what?

313
00:13:21,668 --> 00:13:24,571
About how I'll never be able to
have a meaningful relationship

314
00:13:24,637 --> 00:13:29,609
with a woman because
of the way you screwed me up!

315
00:13:29,676 --> 00:13:30,710
Oh.

316
00:13:30,777 --> 00:13:32,612
Well...

317
00:13:32,679 --> 00:13:35,648
sorry about that.

318
00:13:35,715 --> 00:13:36,783
Let me in!

319
00:13:36,850 --> 00:13:38,485
There's more?

320
00:13:38,551 --> 00:13:39,920
Yes!

321
00:13:39,987 --> 00:13:41,254
( long sigh )

322
00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:45,025
Will this having children thing
never end?

323
00:13:45,092 --> 00:13:47,027
( door buzzes )
Mom!

324
00:13:49,762 --> 00:13:54,868
Look, I'm sorry this is such
a major inconvenience for you...

325
00:13:54,935 --> 00:13:57,137
Oh, God!

326
00:13:57,204 --> 00:13:58,371
What are you doing?

327
00:13:58,438 --> 00:14:00,507
Downward Facing Dog.

328
00:14:00,573 --> 00:14:02,042
What?

329
00:14:02,109 --> 00:14:04,544
It's yoga, Charlie.

330
00:14:04,611 --> 00:14:05,745
Oh.

331
00:14:05,812 --> 00:14:09,182
Well, could your dog possibly
face upward while we talk?

332
00:14:10,283 --> 00:14:11,818
Fine.

333
00:14:11,885 --> 00:14:13,453
Aw, geez!

334
00:14:13,520 --> 00:14:15,889
What the hell
is the mutt doing now?

335
00:14:15,956 --> 00:14:19,292
Charlie, just say
what you came to say.

336
00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:23,630
Okay, well, are you aware
that I'm a misogynist?

337
00:14:23,696 --> 00:14:24,531
Really?

338
00:14:24,597 --> 00:14:27,800
I raised you Episcopalian.

339
00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:29,336
This isn't funny.

340
00:14:29,402 --> 00:14:32,572
My anger and mistrust towards
women starts with you.

341
00:14:32,639 --> 00:14:35,542
Which wasn't a problem until it
spilled over into my sex life.

342
00:14:35,608 --> 00:14:36,977
So you're blaming mummy

343
00:14:37,044 --> 00:14:40,113
because little Charlie
can't come out and play?

344
00:14:40,180 --> 00:14:43,616
Okay, first of all, we don't
call it "little Charlie."

345
00:14:43,683 --> 00:14:45,618
What do we call it, darling?

346
00:14:45,685 --> 00:14:48,088
We don't call it
anything!

347
00:14:48,155 --> 00:14:52,692
Well, when you were a baby,
we called it Mr. Pinky.

348
00:14:52,759 --> 00:14:55,762
I may never have sex again.

349
00:14:55,828 --> 00:14:56,729
Wait a sec.

350
00:14:56,796 --> 00:14:58,331
Mr. Pinky was
the cat.

351
00:14:58,398 --> 00:15:00,867
What did we call your penis?

352
00:15:00,934 --> 00:15:01,969
It doesn't matter.

353
00:15:02,035 --> 00:15:04,271
The point is, it
isn't working anymore.

354
00:15:04,337 --> 00:15:08,375
And somehow it's all tied up in
some sick twisted knot with you.

355
00:15:08,441 --> 00:15:10,543
Mr. Peepee!

356
00:15:10,610 --> 00:15:14,948
Well, you can see
why I confused that
with Mr. Pinky.

357
00:15:15,015 --> 00:15:16,649
Mom, I learned
about relationships

358
00:15:16,716 --> 00:15:18,018
from watching you.

359
00:15:20,153 --> 00:15:23,223
And you know what toxic
little lessons I learned?

360
00:15:23,290 --> 00:15:24,457
Tell me, sweetheart.

361
00:15:24,524 --> 00:15:26,493
I learned that men
who get emotionally involved

362
00:15:26,559 --> 00:15:27,760
get stepped on.

363
00:15:27,827 --> 00:15:29,896
I learned that men
who get married get emasculated.

364
00:15:29,963 --> 00:15:33,100
I learned that the best way
to not get your heart broken

365
00:15:33,166 --> 00:15:35,302
is to pretend
you don't have one.

366
00:15:35,368 --> 00:15:38,271
You learned all that from me?
Yes.

367
00:15:38,338 --> 00:15:39,606
Darling, I've never been
more proud

368
00:15:39,672 --> 00:15:41,541
of you than I am at this moment.

369
00:15:41,608 --> 00:15:44,111
You're joking, right?

370
00:15:44,177 --> 00:15:45,412
Not at all.

371
00:15:45,478 --> 00:15:49,649
For the first time,
I look at you and I see myself.

372
00:15:49,716 --> 00:15:51,684
Oh, that's just insane.

373
00:15:54,587 --> 00:15:57,324
( screaming )

374
00:16:00,593 --> 00:16:02,429
* Men

375
00:16:02,495 --> 00:16:05,598
Save room for dessert.
I bought brownies.

376
00:16:05,665 --> 00:16:06,599
No, thanks.

377
00:16:06,666 --> 00:16:10,137
Brownies just remind me
of cupcakes.

378
00:16:10,203 --> 00:16:12,705
His, uh, his little girlfriend
dumped him.

379
00:16:12,772 --> 00:16:13,740
Really?

380
00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:16,843
She said she needed
her space.

381
00:16:16,909 --> 00:16:18,345
I'm sorry, buddy.

382
00:16:19,812 --> 00:16:21,014
Want some advice?

383
00:16:21,081 --> 00:16:22,649
Yeah.

384
00:16:22,715 --> 00:16:24,417
What do I do,
Uncle Charlie?

385
00:16:27,554 --> 00:16:29,756
I meant from me.

386
00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:31,658
Oh. No, thank you.

387
00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:35,128
Well?

388
00:16:35,195 --> 00:16:37,764
Might as well listen
to your dad, 'cause...

389
00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:38,731
I got nothing.

390
00:16:38,798 --> 00:16:40,300
Less than him?

391
00:16:41,601 --> 00:16:47,240
Fellas, I am the sick puppy
of a downward dog.

392
00:16:47,307 --> 00:16:50,610
The only thing I'm good for is
drinking out of a toilet

393
00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:52,145
and sniffing my own ass.

394
00:16:52,212 --> 00:16:55,615
Which, by the way,
I saw our mother do earlier.

395
00:16:58,251 --> 00:17:01,421
( sighs ):
Okay, what do
you think?

396
00:17:09,729 --> 00:17:11,898
Marco.
Oh, geez!

397
00:17:11,964 --> 00:17:13,866
Don't do that.

398
00:17:13,933 --> 00:17:15,868
Sorry.

399
00:17:15,935 --> 00:17:16,969
Are you okay?

400
00:17:17,036 --> 00:17:18,205
Oh, sure.

401
00:17:18,271 --> 00:17:20,173
Everything I believed in
is wrong.

402
00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:22,275
Everything I thought
I was, I'm not.

403
00:17:22,342 --> 00:17:24,844
And Mr. Peepee's
on the fritz.

404
00:17:24,911 --> 00:17:26,246
Mr. Peepee?

405
00:17:26,313 --> 00:17:27,680
Yeah, that's what my mother
used to call...

406
00:17:27,747 --> 00:17:29,382
Oh, don't make me
explain this, Rose.

407
00:17:29,449 --> 00:17:32,919
Okay. But he's on
the fritz, you say?

408
00:17:32,985 --> 00:17:34,121
Yes.

409
00:17:34,187 --> 00:17:35,822
Well, I'm not surprised.

410
00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:38,325
The depth of your pathology,
coupled with the intensity

411
00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:40,860
of your denial, was
bound to manifest itself

412
00:17:40,927 --> 00:17:42,061
physically,
sooner or later.

413
00:17:42,129 --> 00:17:45,098
In plain, simple English, Rose.

414
00:17:45,165 --> 00:17:47,867
When your mind gets crazy,

415
00:17:47,934 --> 00:17:50,537
Mr. Peepee gets lazy.

416
00:17:52,105 --> 00:17:54,073
Let me put it another way.

417
00:17:54,141 --> 00:17:56,109
When your psyche gets iffy,

418
00:17:56,176 --> 00:17:58,010
you can't get a stiffy.

419
00:17:58,077 --> 00:17:59,312
Stop it. Stop it.

420
00:17:59,379 --> 00:18:01,714
Just tell me how I can fix it.

421
00:18:01,781 --> 00:18:05,051
Well, there's no
quick fix when it
comes to limp...

422
00:18:05,118 --> 00:18:05,985
Rose!

423
00:18:06,052 --> 00:18:08,087
No more rhymes.

424
00:18:08,155 --> 00:18:11,524
Are you sure? I got a
beauty with "toner."

425
00:18:13,025 --> 00:18:15,295
Okay. Well,

426
00:18:15,362 --> 00:18:16,863
traditional
therapy can help,

427
00:18:16,929 --> 00:18:20,133
but you'll have to commit
to a long, arduous process

428
00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:23,035
of self-exploration over
a period of years.

429
00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:24,137
Years?

430
00:18:24,204 --> 00:18:26,273
I can't go years without...

431
00:18:26,339 --> 00:18:27,940
Mr. Peepee.

432
00:18:28,007 --> 00:18:31,544
Charlie, isn't your
long-term mental and
emotional health

433
00:18:31,611 --> 00:18:34,647
more important than
a few fleeting orgasms?

434
00:18:34,714 --> 00:18:38,351
It's not even
more important than one.

435
00:18:38,418 --> 00:18:41,988
Okay, well, in that case,

436
00:18:42,054 --> 00:18:46,193
I suppose we could try a
shortcut like hypnotherapy.

437
00:18:46,259 --> 00:18:47,927
You know how to do that?

438
00:18:47,994 --> 00:18:49,095
I studied it.

439
00:18:49,162 --> 00:18:52,465
But for it to work,
you'd have to trust
me completely.

440
00:18:52,532 --> 00:18:55,168
You know, Rose,
as strange as it may seem,

441
00:18:55,235 --> 00:18:56,569
out of all the women
I know,

442
00:18:56,636 --> 00:18:58,571
you're the only one
I trust at all.

443
00:18:58,638 --> 00:19:02,409
Wow. Personally I find
that very flattering,

444
00:19:02,475 --> 00:19:06,546
while professionally,
it's deeply disturbing.

445
00:19:08,415 --> 00:19:12,319
So just relax,

446
00:19:12,385 --> 00:19:15,288
sit back,
close your eyes,

447
00:19:15,355 --> 00:19:18,958
and listen only to
the sound of my voice.

448
00:19:19,025 --> 00:19:21,461
I just want to get my mother
out of my head, okay?

449
00:19:21,528 --> 00:19:23,296
I don't want to quit drinking
or gambling

450
00:19:23,363 --> 00:19:24,531
or any of the good stuff.

451
00:19:24,597 --> 00:19:26,399
All right.

452
00:19:26,466 --> 00:19:29,936
Okay. So just relax.

453
00:19:35,375 --> 00:19:36,709
( chuckles ):
Oh, my.

454
00:19:36,776 --> 00:19:39,712
I see everything's
back to normal.

455
00:19:39,779 --> 00:19:41,013
Better than normal.

456
00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:42,382
Did you take one
of those pills?

457
00:19:42,449 --> 00:19:45,785
No, I don't need any pills;
it's all me.

458
00:19:55,662 --> 00:19:58,665
And nobody else.

459
00:19:58,731 --> 00:20:01,568
Now, why don't you just relax
while I introduce you

460
00:20:01,634 --> 00:20:02,802
to the new,
improved Charlie.

461
00:20:02,869 --> 00:20:04,637
( phone ringing )

462
00:20:04,704 --> 00:20:07,507
( clucking like a chicken )

463
00:20:08,908 --> 00:20:11,244
( continues clucking )

464
00:20:15,515 --> 00:20:16,916
Who were you calling?

465
00:20:16,983 --> 00:20:20,320
I was just ordering
a little chicken.

466
00:20:22,722 --> 00:20:23,923
* Men

467
00:20:29,429 --> 00:20:30,797
What smells so good?

468
00:20:30,863 --> 00:20:34,334
Your kid's
in the kitchen baking.

469
00:20:34,401 --> 00:20:35,167
You're kidding.

470
00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:38,170
Hey, dad, want a cupcake?

471
00:20:38,237 --> 00:20:41,341
Um, sure.

472
00:20:41,408 --> 00:20:43,142
Uncle Charlie?

473
00:20:43,209 --> 00:20:45,778
Thank you.
Have as many as you want.

474
00:20:45,845 --> 00:20:48,581
I got another batch
in the oven.

475
00:20:48,648 --> 00:20:50,717
It's, uh,
it's very tasty.

476
00:20:50,783 --> 00:20:51,918
What, uh, what
prompted this?

477
00:20:51,984 --> 00:20:53,953
I figured out I don't need
a girlfriend.

478
00:20:54,020 --> 00:20:56,756
If I want a cupcake,
I just make it myself.

479
00:20:56,823 --> 00:21:00,693
Taking matters into
his own hands.

480
00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:04,230
The metaphor is now complete.

481
00:21:04,297 --> 00:21:06,566
Anybody want to lick the beater?

482
00:21:10,770 --> 00:21:12,872
No.
No.

483
00:21:12,939 --> 00:21:14,273
( oven timer dings )

484
00:21:14,341 --> 00:21:16,876
( clucking like a chicken )

485
00:21:22,014 --> 00:21:24,283
What?