1 00:00:03,071 --> 00:00:06,074 One, two, three, four, 2 00:00:06,140 --> 00:00:08,076 five, six, seven... 3 00:00:08,142 --> 00:00:09,077 What are you doing? 4 00:00:09,143 --> 00:00:12,313 Masticating. 5 00:00:12,380 --> 00:00:13,614 What? 6 00:00:13,681 --> 00:00:16,050 Don't worry, it doesn't mean what you think. 7 00:00:16,117 --> 00:00:18,119 And what do you think I think? 8 00:00:18,186 --> 00:00:20,054 You know... 9 00:00:20,121 --> 00:00:23,091 Okay, I know what I know. 10 00:00:23,157 --> 00:00:24,725 What do you know? 11 00:00:24,792 --> 00:00:27,161 I know that you're supposed to masticate your food 12 00:00:27,228 --> 00:00:28,662 20 times before you swallow. 13 00:00:28,729 --> 00:00:31,165 Yeah, but, uh, what about the other thing? 14 00:00:31,232 --> 00:00:33,467 What other thing? 15 00:00:33,534 --> 00:00:36,237 The thing you thought I was thinking. 16 00:00:36,304 --> 00:00:39,240 I'm sorry, Dad. You lost me. 17 00:00:40,808 --> 00:00:41,809 Morning. 18 00:00:41,875 --> 00:00:42,743 Oh, morning. 19 00:00:42,810 --> 00:00:44,044 Isn't this your day off? 20 00:00:44,112 --> 00:00:46,147 It is, but I need to talk to Charlie. 21 00:00:46,214 --> 00:00:47,014 Well, good luck. 22 00:00:47,081 --> 00:00:48,249 He got home an hour ago, 23 00:00:48,316 --> 00:00:49,983 had a bowl of chili, threw up and went to bed. 24 00:00:50,050 --> 00:00:54,422 He probably threw up 'cause he didn't masticate enough. 25 00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:58,726 Hey, pottymouth, there's a lady present. 26 00:00:58,792 --> 00:01:00,594 Berta, why don't you tell me what you need, 27 00:01:00,661 --> 00:01:02,396 and then you can go enjoy your day off 28 00:01:02,463 --> 00:01:05,199 by spreading sunshine and cheer to others. 29 00:01:05,266 --> 00:01:07,968 It's about the house. I should wait for Charlie. 30 00:01:08,035 --> 00:01:10,604 I live here, too. What's the problem? 31 00:01:11,539 --> 00:01:12,406 I'll wait. 32 00:01:12,473 --> 00:01:15,476 Oh, for God's sake, pretend I'm Charlie. 33 00:01:15,543 --> 00:01:16,477 Talk to me. 34 00:01:16,544 --> 00:01:19,046 Okay. 35 00:01:19,113 --> 00:01:20,381 Hey, Charlie, I've thought it over, 36 00:01:20,448 --> 00:01:22,416 and if you want me to kill your brother, 37 00:01:22,483 --> 00:01:24,318 I'll need the cash up front. 38 00:01:27,054 --> 00:01:28,222 Very amusing. 39 00:01:28,289 --> 00:01:31,359 Thanks. I've been taking an improv class. 40 00:01:31,425 --> 00:01:32,960 Okay, here's the deal. 41 00:01:33,026 --> 00:01:35,563 I got five brothers and sisters. 42 00:01:35,629 --> 00:01:37,765 I'm the middle child, which probably explains 43 00:01:37,831 --> 00:01:40,468 why I'm such a people pleaser. 44 00:01:40,534 --> 00:01:41,969 Uh-huh. 45 00:01:42,035 --> 00:01:44,605 Anyhow, my brother Philip-- he's the second oldest-- 46 00:01:44,672 --> 00:01:46,607 he's in the roadside fireworks business, 47 00:01:46,674 --> 00:01:50,644 which is, as you might expect, seasonal. 48 00:01:50,711 --> 00:01:53,881 Now, this creates a lot of economic uncertainty 49 00:01:53,947 --> 00:01:54,948 which has strained his marriage. 50 00:01:55,015 --> 00:01:56,317 Perhaps not as much 51 00:01:56,384 --> 00:01:58,586 as him boinking his wife's half-sister... 52 00:01:59,587 --> 00:02:01,289 ...but it's a snowball effect. 53 00:02:02,356 --> 00:02:04,658 Anyway, to make a long story short... 54 00:02:04,725 --> 00:02:06,160 Too late. 55 00:02:06,227 --> 00:02:07,428 Fair enough. 56 00:02:07,495 --> 00:02:11,365 Berta: 1; Zippy: 1. 57 00:02:11,432 --> 00:02:13,267 Anyway, Philip can't live at his house 58 00:02:13,334 --> 00:02:16,804 because, technically, it's a crime scene. 59 00:02:16,870 --> 00:02:18,172 Which is why I wanted to ask Charlie... 60 00:02:18,239 --> 00:02:19,573 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 61 00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:21,675 You, uh, you want your brother to stay here? 62 00:02:21,742 --> 00:02:22,776 Oh, don't be stupid. 63 00:02:22,843 --> 00:02:25,313 He's staying at my place trying to wean himself 64 00:02:25,379 --> 00:02:27,315 off the meth and the codeine and whatnot. 65 00:02:27,381 --> 00:02:30,984 I want to stay here for a couple of days. 66 00:02:31,051 --> 00:02:33,153 Oh. Oh, um... 67 00:02:33,221 --> 00:02:35,356 That's okay. I'll ask Charlie. 68 00:02:35,423 --> 00:02:37,891 No, you don't have to ask Charlie. 69 00:02:37,958 --> 00:02:39,893 You-you can ask me. 70 00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:43,130 Fine. 71 00:02:43,197 --> 00:02:45,299 Oh, you'd like an answer now. 72 00:02:45,366 --> 00:02:47,000 That'd be swell. 73 00:02:47,067 --> 00:02:50,704 Ah, ah, well, uh, uh, I-I would have to say, um... 74 00:02:50,771 --> 00:02:52,973 uh, after due consideration 75 00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:55,576 and, uh, and, uh, uh, taking into account 76 00:02:55,643 --> 00:03:01,315 all the, uh, uh, factors that are-are involved that... 77 00:03:01,382 --> 00:03:04,718 It would be our pleasure to have you. 78 00:03:04,785 --> 00:03:07,255 Super. Do you mind if I take your room? 79 00:03:07,321 --> 00:03:09,423 M-M-My room? Gee, I-I... 80 00:03:09,490 --> 00:03:13,927 Trust me. You want me to have a room with a private crapper. 81 00:03:16,964 --> 00:03:18,532 Okay. By all means. 82 00:03:18,599 --> 00:03:20,834 Take my room. I'll bunk with Jake. 83 00:03:20,901 --> 00:03:21,835 Thanks. 84 00:03:21,902 --> 00:03:24,238 What do you mean, you'll bunk with Jake? 85 00:03:24,305 --> 00:03:25,906 Is that a problem? 86 00:03:25,973 --> 00:03:27,941 Yes. I need my privacy. 87 00:03:28,008 --> 00:03:28,909 For what? 88 00:03:28,976 --> 00:03:31,545 You know... 89 00:03:31,612 --> 00:03:34,782 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 90 00:03:34,848 --> 00:03:37,585 * Men. 91 00:03:51,198 --> 00:03:53,534 Never again. 92 00:03:55,202 --> 00:03:58,872 Never, ever, ever again. 93 00:03:58,939 --> 00:04:00,908 You gonna quit drinkin'? 94 00:04:00,974 --> 00:04:03,377 Don't be ridiculous. 95 00:04:03,444 --> 00:04:06,514 I'm gonna quit wakin' up. 96 00:04:07,214 --> 00:04:08,916 What are you doing here? 97 00:04:08,982 --> 00:04:09,683 Isn't this your day off? 98 00:04:09,750 --> 00:04:11,685 It is, but your brother invited me 99 00:04:11,752 --> 00:04:14,688 to be your houseguest for a couple of days. 100 00:04:18,025 --> 00:04:19,226 Did he now? 101 00:04:19,293 --> 00:04:20,561 Well, I was going to ask you, 102 00:04:20,628 --> 00:04:22,930 but Alan said he could speak for both of you. 103 00:04:22,996 --> 00:04:25,165 Did he now? 104 00:04:25,232 --> 00:04:26,500 You got a problem with that? 105 00:04:26,567 --> 00:04:28,469 Don't be silly. You're like family. 106 00:04:28,536 --> 00:04:31,739 Yeah, well, I've seen how you treat family. 107 00:04:31,805 --> 00:04:33,441 Hey, you're always welcome here. 108 00:04:33,507 --> 00:04:35,876 You don't even have to ask. 109 00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:37,945 Morning, Alan. 110 00:04:38,011 --> 00:04:39,547 ALAN: Hey, look who finally... 111 00:04:39,613 --> 00:04:41,014 ( smacking sound ) ALAN: Ow! 112 00:04:42,316 --> 00:04:43,384 Berta? Living here? 113 00:04:43,451 --> 00:04:44,718 Are you insane? 114 00:04:44,785 --> 00:04:46,354 She needed a place to stay for a couple of days. 115 00:04:46,420 --> 00:04:47,921 What would you have said? 116 00:04:47,988 --> 00:04:50,658 I would have sat her down and explained my sincere belief 117 00:04:50,724 --> 00:04:53,527 that there are boundaries between employer and employee 118 00:04:53,594 --> 00:04:56,830 which exist specifically to protect said employer 119 00:04:56,897 --> 00:04:58,832 from accidentally seeing the employee 120 00:04:58,899 --> 00:05:02,636 prancing around in her big cotton granny-panties. 121 00:05:02,703 --> 00:05:05,706 All right. Go tell her that. 122 00:05:06,474 --> 00:05:08,642 Okay, I was bluffing. 123 00:05:08,709 --> 00:05:11,244 Look, look, it's just for a couple of days. 124 00:05:11,311 --> 00:05:12,480 We can tough it out. 125 00:05:12,546 --> 00:05:14,281 Yeah, but we wouldn't have to tough it out 126 00:05:14,348 --> 00:05:15,816 if you hadn't presumed to invite someone 127 00:05:15,883 --> 00:05:17,651 to stay at my house without my permission. 128 00:05:17,718 --> 00:05:19,487 Hey, hey, I live here, too. 129 00:05:19,553 --> 00:05:22,155 So do termites! 130 00:05:22,222 --> 00:05:24,558 They don't have guest-inviting privileges either. 131 00:05:25,593 --> 00:05:26,760 You're equating me with termites? 132 00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:30,030 Hell, no. You can get rid of termites. 133 00:05:31,732 --> 00:05:33,534 You know, if I thought you meant that, 134 00:05:33,601 --> 00:05:35,335 I would be really hurt. 135 00:05:35,403 --> 00:05:37,070 Too subtle? 136 00:05:37,137 --> 00:05:38,539 Okay, let me take another tack. 137 00:05:38,606 --> 00:05:40,173 Alan, do you know why I've never accepted 138 00:05:40,240 --> 00:05:41,509 any money from you to stay here? 139 00:05:41,575 --> 00:05:43,877 Well, I assumed you were being compassionate 140 00:05:43,944 --> 00:05:46,213 and generous during a difficult period in my life. 141 00:05:46,279 --> 00:05:47,981 Oh... ( blows raspberry ) 142 00:05:49,883 --> 00:05:51,752 It's so you can be here and Jake can be here, 143 00:05:51,819 --> 00:05:54,655 but it remains my house, not our house. 144 00:05:54,722 --> 00:05:55,589 What's the difference? 145 00:05:55,656 --> 00:05:57,758 In my house, what you think, 146 00:05:57,825 --> 00:06:01,462 what you want, what you say doesn't mean squat. 147 00:06:02,530 --> 00:06:05,165 It's just jibber-jabber. 148 00:06:05,232 --> 00:06:08,101 So... so you're saying I have no rights here? 149 00:06:08,168 --> 00:06:09,970 I thought that was understood. 150 00:06:10,037 --> 00:06:12,239 I can't believe we're even talking about it. 151 00:06:12,305 --> 00:06:13,373 Incredible! 152 00:06:13,441 --> 00:06:14,908 I've been living here for two years, 153 00:06:14,975 --> 00:06:16,777 and you still consider me a houseguest. No. 154 00:06:16,844 --> 00:06:20,481 My houseguests bring a bottle of wine and have sex with me. 155 00:06:21,982 --> 00:06:23,050 Oh, I'm sorry. 156 00:06:23,116 --> 00:06:26,587 I'll go get some chardonnay and assume the position. 157 00:06:28,622 --> 00:06:31,091 Hey, don't be letting your mouth write checks 158 00:06:31,158 --> 00:06:33,494 your ass can't cash. 159 00:06:37,431 --> 00:06:39,900 ( under breath ): Pompous jerk. 160 00:06:39,967 --> 00:06:42,603 I don't know how you put up with that. 161 00:06:43,504 --> 00:06:44,672 Y-Y-You heard? 162 00:06:44,738 --> 00:06:45,906 Uh, we were whispering. 163 00:06:45,973 --> 00:06:49,777 Must be one of them acoustical anomalies. 164 00:06:49,843 --> 00:06:52,513 I just think it's criminal the way Charlie treats you-- 165 00:06:52,580 --> 00:06:54,482 like some kind of second-class citizen. 166 00:06:54,548 --> 00:06:56,216 Second-class? 167 00:06:56,283 --> 00:06:58,051 I aspire to second-class. 168 00:06:58,118 --> 00:07:00,888 You know what the pecking order is in this house? 169 00:07:00,954 --> 00:07:02,556 Charlie, women Charlie sleeps with, 170 00:07:02,623 --> 00:07:05,959 Charlie's bookie, women Charlie hopes to sleep with, 171 00:07:06,026 --> 00:07:08,962 termites, me. 172 00:07:09,930 --> 00:07:10,964 Well, that's just not right. 173 00:07:11,031 --> 00:07:12,733 Yeah, but what am I supposed to do? 174 00:07:12,800 --> 00:07:14,602 I-I-I can't really afford my own place. 175 00:07:14,668 --> 00:07:17,905 I mean, I could, but it certainly wouldn't be on the beach... 176 00:07:17,971 --> 00:07:20,874 unless the beach was Guadalcanal. 177 00:07:20,941 --> 00:07:24,244 It's a shame, you paying all that money for an ex-wife 178 00:07:24,311 --> 00:07:25,445 and an ex-wife's house, 179 00:07:25,513 --> 00:07:27,981 and you're not allowed inside either one. 180 00:07:28,048 --> 00:07:30,584 Exactly. 181 00:07:34,054 --> 00:07:35,022 I'm a victim here. 182 00:07:35,088 --> 00:07:37,357 Oh, yeah. You got "victim" written all over you. 183 00:07:37,424 --> 00:07:40,160 But does my brother sympathize? 184 00:07:40,227 --> 00:07:42,863 Do Catholic priests make good baby-sitters? 185 00:07:45,499 --> 00:07:48,268 Listen, you want rights and privileges, 186 00:07:48,335 --> 00:07:49,402 you got to demand them. 187 00:07:49,469 --> 00:07:52,105 Stand up to Charlie. Get in his face. 188 00:07:52,172 --> 00:07:53,240 You know what? 189 00:07:53,306 --> 00:07:54,241 You're right. 190 00:07:54,307 --> 00:07:55,442 And starting now. 191 00:07:55,509 --> 00:07:58,378 Go get him, tiger. 192 00:07:58,445 --> 00:08:00,013 Come here, Charlie. 193 00:08:00,080 --> 00:08:00,814 I want to... 194 00:08:00,881 --> 00:08:03,016 ( slap ) ALAN: Ow! 195 00:08:03,083 --> 00:08:06,554 * Men. 196 00:08:11,291 --> 00:08:14,528 Oh, that is so wrong. 197 00:08:16,997 --> 00:08:17,565 Hey. 198 00:08:17,631 --> 00:08:19,567 Hey. You know, Charlie, 199 00:08:19,633 --> 00:08:21,769 you've really got a beautiful view here. 200 00:08:21,835 --> 00:08:23,270 You're just noticing that? 201 00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:25,873 Well, I spend most of my days looking at dirty toilets 202 00:08:25,939 --> 00:08:30,010 and those Rorschach tests you call bedsheets. 203 00:08:30,077 --> 00:08:31,679 Oh. Well, it's nice you're getting a chance 204 00:08:31,745 --> 00:08:33,180 to stop and smell the roses. 205 00:08:33,246 --> 00:08:36,416 Oh, don't get me started on the smells around here. 206 00:08:36,483 --> 00:08:37,785 Hey, listen, Berta, you know, 207 00:08:37,851 --> 00:08:40,487 you know how I feel about you, right? 208 00:08:40,554 --> 00:08:41,855 No, tell me. 209 00:08:41,922 --> 00:08:45,392 Oh, gee, I could never put it into words. 210 00:08:45,458 --> 00:08:49,730 Well... then show me. 211 00:08:51,565 --> 00:08:53,567 Relax, I'm just screwin' with you. 212 00:08:53,634 --> 00:08:55,502 ( chuckling ) 213 00:08:55,569 --> 00:08:58,438 Good one. 214 00:08:58,505 --> 00:09:00,941 Anyway, uh... 215 00:09:01,008 --> 00:09:03,510 I believe there are certain boundaries 216 00:09:03,577 --> 00:09:06,680 between an employer and an employee... 217 00:09:06,747 --> 00:09:08,348 which is why I think it'd be best if you found... 218 00:09:08,415 --> 00:09:10,584 Oh, I agree with you about the boundaries... 219 00:09:11,719 --> 00:09:13,120 ...which is why I've been keeping quiet 220 00:09:13,186 --> 00:09:15,488 about the things your brother says behind your back. 221 00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:16,857 What does he say? 222 00:09:16,924 --> 00:09:18,659 Oh, I don't want to cause problems. 223 00:09:18,726 --> 00:09:20,894 No, no, no, come on, tell me. 224 00:09:20,961 --> 00:09:24,197 Well, let's just say that he doesn't always appreciate 225 00:09:24,264 --> 00:09:25,532 everything you do for him. 226 00:09:25,599 --> 00:09:27,668 You know what the problem is? 227 00:09:27,735 --> 00:09:29,336 I'm a soft touch. 228 00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:30,170 You do have a big heart, 229 00:09:30,237 --> 00:09:31,839 and there are always people out there 230 00:09:31,905 --> 00:09:33,674 who will take advantage of that. 231 00:09:33,741 --> 00:09:36,677 You just wouldn't think it'd be your own brother. 232 00:09:36,744 --> 00:09:39,780 Yeah, that's the saddest part. 233 00:09:39,847 --> 00:09:41,314 But what can I do about it? 234 00:09:41,381 --> 00:09:44,785 Respect's not freely given in this life, Charlie. 235 00:09:44,852 --> 00:09:46,453 You got to demand it. 236 00:09:46,519 --> 00:09:48,722 You're right. It's time for me to stand up for myself. 237 00:09:48,789 --> 00:09:50,891 Good for you. 238 00:09:51,792 --> 00:09:53,293 And while you're up, 239 00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:55,696 would you get me one of those little Japanese beers 240 00:09:55,763 --> 00:09:56,830 you keep in the refrigerator? 241 00:09:56,897 --> 00:09:58,999 Oh, sure. Be right back. 242 00:09:59,066 --> 00:10:01,802 Thanks. 243 00:10:02,703 --> 00:10:05,939 I'm a baaad pussycat. 244 00:10:06,006 --> 00:10:07,908 * Men. 245 00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:10,778 Did you know 246 00:10:10,844 --> 00:10:12,145 your body doesn't digest corn? 247 00:10:12,212 --> 00:10:16,684 It goes out the same way it comes in. 248 00:10:16,750 --> 00:10:19,920 It's like a little bookmark in your poop. 249 00:10:22,089 --> 00:10:24,091 Did they teach you that in school? 250 00:10:24,157 --> 00:10:26,226 Nope. It's the powers of observation. 251 00:10:26,293 --> 00:10:27,895 ALAN: Jake, 252 00:10:27,961 --> 00:10:29,229 that's not dinner conversation. 253 00:10:29,296 --> 00:10:30,297 You're right. 254 00:10:30,363 --> 00:10:31,732 It's dinner cornversation. 255 00:10:31,799 --> 00:10:35,035 See what happens when you don't hit your kids. 256 00:10:35,102 --> 00:10:37,570 Hey, something smells good. 257 00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:38,839 Meat loaf. 258 00:10:38,906 --> 00:10:40,040 Great, I love meat loaf. 259 00:10:40,107 --> 00:10:41,341 Well, you should make some. 260 00:10:41,408 --> 00:10:43,410 I'll give you the recipe. 261 00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:45,813 You didn't make enough for me? 262 00:10:48,381 --> 00:10:49,850 I'm not your chef. 263 00:10:53,887 --> 00:10:56,023 Is that so? 264 00:10:59,092 --> 00:11:00,327 How did you cook the meat loaf? 265 00:11:00,393 --> 00:11:02,595 In the oven. Aha. 266 00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:04,231 My oven. 267 00:11:04,297 --> 00:11:05,098 What's your point? 268 00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:06,099 My point? 269 00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:09,002 Uh... 270 00:11:09,069 --> 00:11:11,104 Oh, don't put me in the middle. 271 00:11:11,171 --> 00:11:12,305 I love you both. 272 00:11:14,274 --> 00:11:17,077 My point is, I'm hungry, and I want meat loaf. 273 00:11:17,144 --> 00:11:19,546 Yeah, well, I'm Alan, and I want respect. 274 00:11:19,612 --> 00:11:22,382 I think I got a better chance at gettin' meat loaf. 275 00:11:22,449 --> 00:11:23,450 You know what, Charlie? 276 00:11:23,516 --> 00:11:24,752 I'm starting to feel like maybe 277 00:11:24,818 --> 00:11:26,119 Jake and I have overstayed our welcome. 278 00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:28,255 No, not at all. Jake's still welcome. 279 00:11:28,321 --> 00:11:29,356 You're the one with the attitude. 280 00:11:29,422 --> 00:11:30,924 My attitude? 281 00:11:30,991 --> 00:11:33,126 I-I thought my attitude didn't count for anything. 282 00:11:33,193 --> 00:11:35,395 That it was just... jabberwocky. 283 00:11:35,462 --> 00:11:37,664 Jibber-jabber, you moron. 284 00:11:37,731 --> 00:11:39,432 Okay, okay, that settles it. 285 00:11:39,499 --> 00:11:40,700 I think it's time we moved. 286 00:11:40,768 --> 00:11:41,769 We? 287 00:11:41,835 --> 00:11:42,535 Yeah, we. 288 00:11:42,602 --> 00:11:44,905 But I'm still welcome. 289 00:11:44,972 --> 00:11:46,239 You'll go where I go. 290 00:11:46,306 --> 00:11:48,108 Can we get a place on the beach? 291 00:11:48,175 --> 00:11:51,078 Sure, if you don't mind living under a lifeguard stand. 292 00:11:51,144 --> 00:11:53,280 Hey, we managed to get by without your help 293 00:11:53,346 --> 00:11:55,382 before we came here, we'll do it again. 294 00:11:55,448 --> 00:11:58,251 Why do you keep saying "we"? 295 00:11:59,519 --> 00:12:00,687 You know what your problem is? 296 00:12:00,754 --> 00:12:02,823 You just don't appreciate all the things I do for you. 297 00:12:02,890 --> 00:12:04,491 Yeah, well, I'm tired of being treated 298 00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:05,625 like a second-class citizen. 299 00:12:05,692 --> 00:12:07,727 Fine. You want to leave, leave. 300 00:12:09,529 --> 00:12:12,332 Maybe I will. 301 00:12:12,399 --> 00:12:14,567 Way to stand up for yourself. 302 00:12:14,634 --> 00:12:15,668 Thank you. 303 00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:17,404 So, are we really out of meat loaf, 304 00:12:17,470 --> 00:12:20,040 or were you just saying that to piss him off? 305 00:12:21,108 --> 00:12:23,576 * Men. 306 00:12:23,643 --> 00:12:24,677 Oh, this looks interesting. 307 00:12:24,744 --> 00:12:25,678 "Two-bedroom. Needs work. 308 00:12:25,745 --> 00:12:27,347 Up-and-coming neighborhood." 309 00:12:27,414 --> 00:12:29,817 What-What does that mean, uh, "Up-and-coming neighborhood?" 310 00:12:29,883 --> 00:12:31,351 It means the Realtor didn't think 311 00:12:31,418 --> 00:12:34,521 he could move the house saying, "Drug-ravaged battlefield." 312 00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:36,323 Okay, we'll keep looking. 313 00:12:36,389 --> 00:12:39,793 Alan, I don't mean to pry, but after alimony and child support, 314 00:12:39,860 --> 00:12:43,130 exactly how much can you afford to spend? 315 00:12:54,174 --> 00:12:55,608 Really? 316 00:12:55,675 --> 00:12:56,776 Yes, really. 317 00:12:56,844 --> 00:12:59,012 Sweetie, my shoes cost more than this. 318 00:12:59,079 --> 00:13:01,348 Well, Mom, you have a lot of shoes. 319 00:13:01,414 --> 00:13:03,650 The ones I'm wearing. 320 00:13:03,716 --> 00:13:06,019 Alan, based on this amount, you don't need a Realtor. 321 00:13:06,086 --> 00:13:08,088 You need someone who sells camping equipment. 322 00:13:08,155 --> 00:13:11,058 Yeah, well, then that's what I'll do. 323 00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:15,762 All right, but may I propose a simple alternative? 324 00:13:15,829 --> 00:13:17,564 I'm not living with you, Mom. 325 00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:19,699 Okay. 326 00:13:19,766 --> 00:13:21,801 Well, then I have a final alternative. 327 00:13:21,869 --> 00:13:22,970 And what would that be? 328 00:13:23,036 --> 00:13:24,737 Run straight to your brother's ass, 329 00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:26,473 and kiss it repeatedly. 330 00:13:26,539 --> 00:13:27,807 Forget it. 331 00:13:27,875 --> 00:13:30,410 I-I can't stay here anymore. 332 00:13:30,477 --> 00:13:32,812 Hey, Red, you want to top this off for me? 333 00:13:32,880 --> 00:13:34,714 Certainly. 334 00:13:34,781 --> 00:13:36,049 May I get you a short stack 335 00:13:36,116 --> 00:13:38,618 and some pork links while I'm at it? 336 00:13:38,685 --> 00:13:39,853 Nah, I'm full. 337 00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:42,089 But as long as we're discussing dining choices, 338 00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:44,224 why don't you bite me? 339 00:13:45,893 --> 00:13:47,794 Oh, goodie. 340 00:13:47,861 --> 00:13:49,029 More loved ones. 341 00:13:49,096 --> 00:13:51,031 Good morning, Charlie. 342 00:13:51,098 --> 00:13:52,265 Let me guess. 343 00:13:52,332 --> 00:13:53,901 Alan invited you to move in. 344 00:13:53,967 --> 00:13:56,203 No. She's helping me move out. 345 00:13:57,237 --> 00:13:58,872 This is a sad day. 346 00:13:58,939 --> 00:14:00,773 We're gonna miss you around here, Alan. 347 00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:01,708 Well, thank you, Berta. 348 00:14:01,774 --> 00:14:03,977 Sad, sad, sad. 349 00:14:04,044 --> 00:14:06,313 Don't you have anything to say, Charlie? 350 00:14:07,414 --> 00:14:08,581 Yeah. 351 00:14:10,250 --> 00:14:12,619 Boo-hoo. 352 00:14:14,254 --> 00:14:17,290 Okay, well, enough of sentiment. 353 00:14:18,091 --> 00:14:19,359 We should really get going. 354 00:14:19,426 --> 00:14:22,795 Apartments in your price range are a long drive from Malibu. 355 00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:23,997 I know, Mom. 356 00:14:24,064 --> 00:14:25,899 A long, long drive. 357 00:14:25,966 --> 00:14:27,000 Got it. 358 00:14:27,067 --> 00:14:29,069 Maybe you should try to go pee-pee 359 00:14:29,136 --> 00:14:29,903 before we get in the car. 360 00:14:29,970 --> 00:14:32,505 Okay! 361 00:14:32,572 --> 00:14:34,507 Would you mind looking after Jake? 362 00:14:34,574 --> 00:14:38,111 If it'll help get you out of here, I'll breast-feed him. 363 00:14:41,915 --> 00:14:44,451 You know, with Zippy out of here, 364 00:14:44,517 --> 00:14:47,187 you're gonna have that nice guest room just going to waste. 365 00:14:47,254 --> 00:14:48,255 Yeah? 366 00:14:48,321 --> 00:14:51,024 So, I was thinking, how about if I become a live-in? 367 00:14:51,091 --> 00:14:54,727 A live-in what? 368 00:14:54,794 --> 00:14:55,728 Housekeeper. 369 00:14:55,795 --> 00:14:57,830 Easier for you, easier for me. 370 00:14:57,897 --> 00:14:59,266 Everybody wins. 371 00:14:59,332 --> 00:15:00,467 Gee, um... 372 00:15:00,533 --> 00:15:03,036 Hold that thought. My coffee just kicked in. 373 00:15:07,207 --> 00:15:10,143 ( knocking ) 374 00:15:10,210 --> 00:15:13,346 Hey, you want to go down to the arcade and play some air hockey? 375 00:15:13,413 --> 00:15:14,181 No. 376 00:15:14,247 --> 00:15:15,315 Want to go to a movie? 377 00:15:15,382 --> 00:15:16,649 No. 378 00:15:16,716 --> 00:15:18,385 Come on, I'll take you to something R-rated. 379 00:15:18,451 --> 00:15:20,553 See some boobs. 380 00:15:20,620 --> 00:15:23,156 Just leave me alone. 381 00:15:23,223 --> 00:15:24,557 Are you mad at me? 382 00:15:24,624 --> 00:15:26,359 What was your first clue? 383 00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:30,363 Well, frankly, your dismissive attitude toward boobs. 384 00:15:32,232 --> 00:15:34,501 Why are you making us move? 385 00:15:34,567 --> 00:15:36,669 You're not moving. 386 00:15:36,736 --> 00:15:38,338 Well, then why is Dad looking 387 00:15:38,405 --> 00:15:39,672 for another place for us to live? 388 00:15:39,739 --> 00:15:42,709 Because he's trying to teach me a lesson. 389 00:15:42,775 --> 00:15:44,711 Why don't you tell him to stop? 390 00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:47,180 Because I'm trying to teach him a lesson. 391 00:15:47,247 --> 00:15:49,549 What's your lesson? 392 00:15:49,616 --> 00:15:52,552 That it's my house. 393 00:15:52,619 --> 00:15:54,221 What's his lesson? 394 00:15:54,287 --> 00:15:57,057 That he lives here, too. 395 00:15:57,124 --> 00:15:59,426 Okay, I'm just a kid, 396 00:15:59,492 --> 00:16:02,162 but that sounds stupid even to me. 397 00:16:03,530 --> 00:16:06,599 Well, be that as it may, I give you my word, 398 00:16:06,666 --> 00:16:09,502 I am not gonna let you go anywhere. 399 00:16:09,569 --> 00:16:10,537 Promise? 400 00:16:10,603 --> 00:16:12,072 Promise. 401 00:16:16,676 --> 00:16:17,944 Is the boob offer still open? 402 00:16:18,011 --> 00:16:20,647 Come on. 403 00:16:20,713 --> 00:16:23,683 * Men. 404 00:16:25,185 --> 00:16:27,154 How do you pronounce her last name? 405 00:16:27,220 --> 00:16:29,189 Hayek. Salma Hayek. 406 00:16:29,256 --> 00:16:32,559 Wow. Her name's as pretty as her boobs. 407 00:16:34,727 --> 00:16:36,296 Hey. 408 00:16:36,363 --> 00:16:37,530 Hey. 409 00:16:37,597 --> 00:16:39,599 What's all this? 410 00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:41,168 Found a place. 411 00:16:41,234 --> 00:16:43,203 Fully furnished, ready to move in. 412 00:16:43,270 --> 00:16:45,038 Uh, Jake, I packed most of your stuff. 413 00:16:45,105 --> 00:16:46,739 You may want to check if I missed anything. 414 00:16:46,806 --> 00:16:48,675 Uncle Charlie...? 415 00:16:48,741 --> 00:16:50,743 Listen to your father. 416 00:16:50,810 --> 00:16:51,811 But you said... 417 00:16:51,878 --> 00:16:53,713 I said listen to your father. 418 00:16:53,780 --> 00:16:55,782 ( sighs ) 419 00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:57,150 I'm just a pawn. 420 00:16:59,719 --> 00:17:01,754 So, where is this place? 421 00:17:01,821 --> 00:17:02,589 In the Valley. 422 00:17:02,655 --> 00:17:05,858 A lovely, uh, Spanish-style complex called 423 00:17:05,925 --> 00:17:07,860 Valley Hacienda. 424 00:17:07,927 --> 00:17:09,129 Good for you. 425 00:17:09,196 --> 00:17:10,563 Two-bedroom. 426 00:17:10,630 --> 00:17:12,699 Pool, Jacuzzi, rec room. 427 00:17:12,765 --> 00:17:13,733 Sounds great. 428 00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:16,035 It is, and we're going. 429 00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:18,905 I can see that. 430 00:17:18,971 --> 00:17:20,340 Well, it's for the best. 431 00:17:20,407 --> 00:17:22,475 I'll finally have a place that's really mine, 432 00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:24,911 and you can go back to living the selfish, 433 00:17:24,977 --> 00:17:27,880 unexamined life you obviously cherish. 434 00:17:27,947 --> 00:17:30,883 Looking forward to it. 435 00:17:30,950 --> 00:17:33,153 Okay, I guess I'm ready to go. 436 00:17:36,289 --> 00:17:39,892 Well, then, uh, I guess we should go. 437 00:17:39,959 --> 00:17:42,829 Need some help? 438 00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:45,198 No, we can handle it. 439 00:17:48,868 --> 00:17:53,072 All right, uh, Valley Hacienda, here we come. 440 00:17:54,441 --> 00:17:56,809 Jake, say good-bye to your Uncle Charlie. 441 00:17:56,876 --> 00:17:58,778 Bye, Uncle Charlie. 442 00:17:58,845 --> 00:18:00,012 Bye, kid. 443 00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:01,981 Jake, go get in the car. 444 00:18:02,048 --> 00:18:04,717 Listen to your father. 445 00:18:06,653 --> 00:18:10,657 I don't think anybody's learning anything here. 446 00:18:10,723 --> 00:18:14,561 Well, uh, thanks for your hospitality. 447 00:18:17,664 --> 00:18:20,867 I'm sorry we overstayed our welcome. 448 00:18:26,439 --> 00:18:27,106 Alan... 449 00:18:27,174 --> 00:18:28,074 I don't want to go. 450 00:18:28,141 --> 00:18:29,776 Please don't make me go. 451 00:18:29,842 --> 00:18:31,077 I love it here. 452 00:18:31,144 --> 00:18:34,147 I love it so much! 453 00:18:34,214 --> 00:18:35,215 I thought you found a nice place. 454 00:18:35,282 --> 00:18:36,783 I was bluffing. It sucked! 455 00:18:36,849 --> 00:18:38,218 They all sucked! 456 00:18:38,285 --> 00:18:39,519 Do you want me to kiss your ass? 457 00:18:39,586 --> 00:18:41,053 'Cause I will literally kiss your ass! 458 00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:42,255 Come on. Turn around. 459 00:18:42,322 --> 00:18:44,624 Alan, cut it out. 460 00:18:44,691 --> 00:18:46,426 I mean it, I mean it. You're the boss. 461 00:18:46,493 --> 00:18:48,361 You know, I'd-I'd rather be a second-class citizen 462 00:18:48,428 --> 00:18:51,298 here in paradise than king of a urine-soaked firetrap 463 00:18:51,364 --> 00:18:52,632 next to Burbank Airport. 464 00:18:52,699 --> 00:18:56,068 Alan, Alan, calm down, calm down. 465 00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:58,471 If you want to stay, you can stay. 466 00:18:58,538 --> 00:19:00,440 Thank you, thank you, thank you. 467 00:19:00,507 --> 00:19:03,042 Thank you. Oh, Charlie, you have no idea how bad it was. 468 00:19:03,109 --> 00:19:05,645 I mean, I couldn't bring a woman to one of these places. 469 00:19:05,712 --> 00:19:09,316 The only way I'd ever have sex was if I was molested by a rat. 470 00:19:09,382 --> 00:19:10,317 Pull yourself together. 471 00:19:10,383 --> 00:19:11,818 ( sniffling ) 472 00:19:11,884 --> 00:19:14,187 Now go grab Jake, and we'll all have some dinner. 473 00:19:14,254 --> 00:19:15,688 Okay, okay. 474 00:19:15,755 --> 00:19:17,390 And-And thanks again. 475 00:19:17,457 --> 00:19:19,192 You're welcome. 476 00:19:25,198 --> 00:19:27,334 ( sniffling ) 477 00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:28,968 Hey, hey, Charlie? 478 00:19:29,035 --> 00:19:29,902 What? 479 00:19:29,969 --> 00:19:30,937 Just before 480 00:19:31,003 --> 00:19:33,606 I-I went down on my knees... 481 00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:36,243 were you about to say something? 482 00:19:36,309 --> 00:19:37,344 I don't think so. 483 00:19:37,410 --> 00:19:40,213 Before I started weeping, 484 00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:43,283 you were gonna tell me to stay. 485 00:19:43,350 --> 00:19:45,352 No, I wasn't. 486 00:19:45,418 --> 00:19:48,455 Okay, you're not fooling anybody. 487 00:19:48,521 --> 00:19:50,957 You'd miss me if I was gone. 488 00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:52,091 Despite 489 00:19:52,158 --> 00:19:54,093 everything you've said, we're brothers, 490 00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:56,396 and we have a bond that's deeper 491 00:19:56,463 --> 00:19:59,299 and more meaningful than any... 492 00:20:04,704 --> 00:20:06,673 He folded, didn't he? 493 00:20:06,739 --> 00:20:10,643 My ass is covered with lip-prints. 494 00:20:10,710 --> 00:20:12,178 Damn. 495 00:20:12,245 --> 00:20:13,980 Well, anyway, uh, 496 00:20:14,046 --> 00:20:16,616 I guess you want to head home and see how Philip's doing. 497 00:20:16,683 --> 00:20:19,151 Who? 498 00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:20,253 Philip? 499 00:20:20,320 --> 00:20:21,654 Your brother? 500 00:20:21,721 --> 00:20:22,655 Detoxing? 501 00:20:22,722 --> 00:20:24,624 Oh, yeah, sure. 502 00:20:24,691 --> 00:20:26,559 Philip. 503 00:20:26,626 --> 00:20:27,627 My brother. 504 00:20:36,336 --> 00:20:38,638 This isn't so bad. 505 00:20:43,810 --> 00:20:45,878 Seems reasonably safe. 506 00:20:45,945 --> 00:20:47,146 Oh, yeah. 507 00:20:47,213 --> 00:20:49,582 I'm sure the Valley Hacienda crack dealers have organized 508 00:20:49,649 --> 00:20:51,418 some sort of neighborhood watch. 509 00:20:51,484 --> 00:20:52,919 We could make this work. 510 00:20:52,985 --> 00:20:53,620 I-I think 511 00:20:53,686 --> 00:20:55,087 it's got a lot going for it. 512 00:20:55,154 --> 00:20:58,925 ( jet engine roaring loudly ) 513 00:21:06,399 --> 00:21:08,568 I'm not a big fan of the orange carpet, 514 00:21:08,635 --> 00:21:10,136 um, but part of the fun 515 00:21:10,202 --> 00:21:11,471 of having a new place is fixing it up, 516 00:21:11,538 --> 00:21:12,905 making it your own. 517 00:21:12,972 --> 00:21:15,642 ( jet engine roaring ) You know, slap on a new coat of paint... 518 00:21:15,708 --> 00:21:18,878 ( roaring continues ) 519 00:21:18,945 --> 00:21:22,214 ...some fresh linoleum on the kitchen floor. 520 00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:23,616 Of course, a little bleach 521 00:21:23,683 --> 00:21:25,718 to take out those bloodstains in the tub. 522 00:21:26,753 --> 00:21:27,887 Or you could just run home 523 00:21:27,954 --> 00:21:29,789 and kiss your brother's ass repeatedly. 524 00:21:29,856 --> 00:21:32,625 Couldn't you just say, "I told you so?"