1 00:00:03,104 --> 00:00:05,539 ( sucking through teeth ) 2 00:00:13,114 --> 00:00:16,350 ( sucking continues ) 3 00:00:21,322 --> 00:00:23,091 Will you please stop that?! 4 00:00:23,157 --> 00:00:25,993 I got a piece of popcorn stuck in my teeth. 5 00:00:26,060 --> 00:00:27,195 So go brush them. 6 00:00:27,261 --> 00:00:28,196 I brushed them this morning. 7 00:00:28,262 --> 00:00:29,797 So go floss them. 8 00:00:29,863 --> 00:00:32,032 Oh, gross. 9 00:00:32,100 --> 00:00:33,801 ( sucks through teeth ) 10 00:00:33,867 --> 00:00:35,203 Wait. I got it. 11 00:00:35,269 --> 00:00:38,038 No, that's chicken. 12 00:00:38,739 --> 00:00:41,342 When did we have chicken? 13 00:00:41,409 --> 00:00:43,377 You didn't really brush this morning, did you? 14 00:00:43,444 --> 00:00:48,216 Between you and me, I lost my toothbrush three days ago. 15 00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:55,156 Still good. 16 00:00:56,690 --> 00:00:59,827 Hey, have you met any of the ladies my dad's been dating? 17 00:00:59,893 --> 00:01:00,828 No. You? 18 00:01:00,894 --> 00:01:03,297 No. 19 00:01:04,665 --> 00:01:08,001 More chicken? 20 00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:11,572 Fingernail. 21 00:01:11,639 --> 00:01:13,441 Yours? 22 00:01:13,507 --> 00:01:16,377 I hope so. 23 00:01:19,513 --> 00:01:22,416 So, how come I don't get to meet Dad's dates? 24 00:01:22,483 --> 00:01:25,286 I don't know. Maybe 'cause you're disgusting. 25 00:01:25,353 --> 00:01:28,189 No, come on, really. 26 00:01:28,256 --> 00:01:29,357 I'm not kidding. 27 00:01:29,423 --> 00:01:31,091 For most women, you're a deal-breaker. 28 00:01:31,159 --> 00:01:33,494 But you used to say I was a babe magnet. 29 00:01:33,561 --> 00:01:36,029 You used to be little and cute. 30 00:01:36,096 --> 00:01:39,867 Now you're just old and in the way. 31 00:01:39,933 --> 00:01:43,003 That's very hurtful, Uncle Charlie. 32 00:01:43,070 --> 00:01:44,772 All right, the truth is that your dad 33 00:01:44,838 --> 00:01:47,175 doesn't want you to get attached to any of these women 34 00:01:47,241 --> 00:01:49,377 in case the relationship doesn't work out. 35 00:01:49,443 --> 00:01:50,077 Why? 36 00:01:50,144 --> 00:01:51,779 Because he loves you very much, 37 00:01:51,845 --> 00:01:53,414 and he cares about your feelings. 38 00:01:53,481 --> 00:01:55,949 You let me meet your dates. 39 00:01:56,016 --> 00:01:58,519 And what does that tell you? 40 00:01:58,586 --> 00:02:01,422 I have no idea. 41 00:02:03,324 --> 00:02:05,926 * Men, men, men, men, manly, men, men, men * 42 00:02:05,993 --> 00:02:09,330 * Oh, oh * Men... * 43 00:02:16,204 --> 00:02:17,638 ALAN: Hello? 44 00:02:17,705 --> 00:02:19,807 Hey, Dad. 45 00:02:19,873 --> 00:02:21,775 What are you doing up so late? 46 00:02:21,842 --> 00:02:23,277 Charlie, what is he doing up? 47 00:02:23,344 --> 00:02:25,746 Shh, he's asleep. 48 00:02:25,813 --> 00:02:27,381 Oh, oh, I'm sorry. 49 00:02:27,448 --> 00:02:28,616 Charlie! 50 00:02:28,682 --> 00:02:29,750 What?! 51 00:02:29,817 --> 00:02:31,819 Oh, hey, Alan. 52 00:02:31,885 --> 00:02:33,754 What is he doing up so late? 53 00:02:33,821 --> 00:02:35,022 I told him to go to bed. 54 00:02:35,088 --> 00:02:36,590 How many times did I tell you 55 00:02:36,657 --> 00:02:38,759 to go to bed? Boy, I lost count. 56 00:02:38,826 --> 00:02:40,961 See? 57 00:02:41,028 --> 00:02:42,763 So how was your date? 58 00:02:42,830 --> 00:02:43,764 It was fine. 59 00:02:43,831 --> 00:02:46,900 Did you get any? 60 00:02:48,802 --> 00:02:51,839 Did I get any what? 61 00:02:51,905 --> 00:02:53,140 Hang on. 62 00:02:53,207 --> 00:02:54,575 What's he supposed to get? 63 00:02:54,642 --> 00:02:57,778 I swear, I don't know what he's talking about. 64 00:02:57,845 --> 00:02:59,513 Go to bed! 65 00:03:03,984 --> 00:03:05,853 What are you teaching him? 66 00:03:05,919 --> 00:03:07,020 What difference does it make? 67 00:03:07,087 --> 00:03:10,891 The only thing he retains is little shards of chicken. 68 00:03:11,992 --> 00:03:13,794 Wonderful. 69 00:03:13,861 --> 00:03:15,929 So, did you get any? 70 00:03:15,996 --> 00:03:16,830 It was a nice evening. 71 00:03:16,897 --> 00:03:17,998 We had a lovely dinner. 72 00:03:18,065 --> 00:03:19,300 You know, for the record, 73 00:03:19,367 --> 00:03:21,402 "a lovely dinner" doesn't necessarily preclude 74 00:03:21,469 --> 00:03:23,637 carpet burns and a bite mark on your ass. 75 00:03:23,704 --> 00:03:26,640 In this case, it was just dinner and pleasant conversation. 76 00:03:26,707 --> 00:03:30,778 Well, that's why God gave us Cinemax and an opposable thumb. 77 00:03:34,715 --> 00:03:35,983 Good night. 78 00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:37,385 Oh, hey, Alan. 79 00:03:37,451 --> 00:03:39,253 The kid was asking about these women 80 00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:40,921 you've been going out with, why he never 81 00:03:40,988 --> 00:03:42,490 gets to meet any of them. 82 00:03:42,556 --> 00:03:44,392 Really? Uh, what... what did you tell him? 83 00:03:44,458 --> 00:03:47,194 I said it's probably because he's disgusting. 84 00:03:47,261 --> 00:03:48,496 Oh, Charlie... 85 00:03:48,562 --> 00:03:50,163 I also told him that you love him 86 00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:52,600 and that you don't want him to get attached to somebody 87 00:03:52,666 --> 00:03:54,835 and then be disappointed if things don't work out. 88 00:03:54,902 --> 00:03:56,370 Good. Thank you. 89 00:03:56,437 --> 00:03:58,238 But how come I don't get to meet them? 90 00:03:58,306 --> 00:04:00,341 'Cause you're disgusting. 91 00:04:02,042 --> 00:04:04,978 That's very hurtful, Alan. 92 00:04:05,045 --> 00:04:06,347 Come on, really. 93 00:04:06,414 --> 00:04:07,915 What's the big secret 94 00:04:07,981 --> 00:04:09,350 with these women? 95 00:04:09,417 --> 00:04:11,619 Oh, boy, I-I really don't want to get into it. 96 00:04:11,685 --> 00:04:13,387 They're hideous, right? No. 97 00:04:13,454 --> 00:04:14,855 Insufferable? No. 98 00:04:14,922 --> 00:04:17,090 Inflatable? 99 00:04:17,157 --> 00:04:19,126 Are you insane? 100 00:04:19,192 --> 00:04:21,028 Ooh, insane. Are they insane? 101 00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:22,963 Leave me alone. 102 00:04:23,030 --> 00:04:24,097 Come on, give me a hint. 103 00:04:24,164 --> 00:04:25,566 When you go to pick them up, 104 00:04:25,633 --> 00:04:29,069 do you need a border collie to cut them off from the herd? 105 00:04:29,136 --> 00:04:30,504 Stop it! 106 00:04:30,571 --> 00:04:32,105 I'm never going to stop, Alan. 107 00:04:32,172 --> 00:04:34,041 You know me better than that. 108 00:04:34,107 --> 00:04:35,075 Okay, fine. 109 00:04:35,142 --> 00:04:36,209 I'll-I'll tell you. 110 00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:38,779 First of all, there's no women. 111 00:04:38,846 --> 00:04:39,680 Imaginary! 112 00:04:39,747 --> 00:04:42,149 My next guess was gonna be imaginary. 113 00:04:42,215 --> 00:04:45,052 Let me finish. 114 00:04:45,118 --> 00:04:46,420 It's just one woman. 115 00:04:46,487 --> 00:04:48,822 I've been seeing the same woman for several weeks now. 116 00:04:48,889 --> 00:04:49,723 I see. 117 00:04:49,790 --> 00:04:51,592 You've been playing it slow. Yes. 118 00:04:51,659 --> 00:04:54,127 And by "slow," I mean "gay." 119 00:04:54,194 --> 00:04:57,998 I can't talk to you about this. 120 00:04:58,065 --> 00:05:00,768 Alan, you hook a fish and play it too long, 121 00:05:00,834 --> 00:05:02,336 you know what you're gonna finally have 122 00:05:02,403 --> 00:05:03,904 when you reel it in? What? 123 00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:06,774 A tired fish that thinks you're gay. 124 00:05:06,840 --> 00:05:10,277 Do you drink while you're baby-sitting my son? 125 00:05:10,344 --> 00:05:12,813 Not at first, but he wears me down. 126 00:05:14,014 --> 00:05:16,149 So, what's the deal with this broad? 127 00:05:16,216 --> 00:05:18,118 She's not a broad. 128 00:05:18,185 --> 00:05:21,254 ( sighs ) 129 00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:22,923 It's Judith. 130 00:05:22,990 --> 00:05:24,124 Your ex-wife? 131 00:05:24,191 --> 00:05:25,225 Yep. 132 00:05:25,292 --> 00:05:26,827 Okay. Okay, that's not fair. 133 00:05:26,894 --> 00:05:30,330 You said "no" to insufferable and insane. 134 00:05:30,398 --> 00:05:31,432 Very funny. 135 00:05:31,499 --> 00:05:33,033 Are you serious? 136 00:05:33,100 --> 00:05:36,537 And by "serious," I mean dumber than a bag of doorknobs. 137 00:05:36,604 --> 00:05:38,839 Look, we went out to dinner a couple of weeks ago 138 00:05:38,906 --> 00:05:40,774 to talk about getting Jake into a good middle school, 139 00:05:40,841 --> 00:05:43,076 and before you know it, we were laughing and... 140 00:05:43,143 --> 00:05:43,644 and having a great time. 141 00:05:43,711 --> 00:05:45,178 Well, I can see the humor 142 00:05:45,245 --> 00:05:49,683 in trying to get the little bonehead into a good school. 143 00:05:49,750 --> 00:05:52,420 But that doesn't mean you start dating your ex-wife. 144 00:05:52,486 --> 00:05:53,487 I-I know what you're thinking. 145 00:05:53,554 --> 00:05:55,288 I'm being naive, and romantic, and... 146 00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:57,425 Not even close! 147 00:05:57,491 --> 00:05:58,892 Charlie, you can't overlook 148 00:05:58,959 --> 00:06:00,894 the fact that we still have a lot in common. 149 00:06:00,961 --> 00:06:03,964 Yeah, neither of you have any respect for you. 150 00:06:04,031 --> 00:06:08,702 The point is, she wants to give it another try, and so do I. 151 00:06:08,769 --> 00:06:10,203 But we can't let Jake know 152 00:06:10,270 --> 00:06:12,540 because we don't want him to get his hopes up. 153 00:06:12,606 --> 00:06:14,508 Oh, buddy, why don't you just 154 00:06:14,575 --> 00:06:18,045 take an electric sander to your testicles? 155 00:06:19,780 --> 00:06:22,382 We're both adults, we are aware of the pitfalls, 156 00:06:22,450 --> 00:06:24,485 and we think it's worth the risk. 157 00:06:24,552 --> 00:06:26,186 ( sighs ) 158 00:06:26,253 --> 00:06:27,721 Okay, fine. 159 00:06:27,788 --> 00:06:30,323 I wish you both nothing but happiness. 160 00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:31,425 Thank you. 161 00:06:31,492 --> 00:06:32,793 ( mimics electric sander ) 162 00:06:40,333 --> 00:06:42,636 * Men... * 163 00:06:50,444 --> 00:06:51,612 Hello. 164 00:06:51,679 --> 00:06:54,548 ALL: Hello. 165 00:06:55,449 --> 00:06:56,917 What's going on? 166 00:06:56,984 --> 00:06:58,586 Sit down, Alan. 167 00:06:58,652 --> 00:07:00,454 We need to talk. 168 00:07:00,521 --> 00:07:02,923 Yeah, well, uh... listen, I'd love to, 169 00:07:02,990 --> 00:07:06,594 but I've got to wake up Jake so that we can... 170 00:07:08,896 --> 00:07:10,964 Let him sleep. 171 00:07:12,666 --> 00:07:14,401 Am I getting whacked? 172 00:07:14,468 --> 00:07:17,871 It was discussed, but I was overruled. 173 00:07:17,938 --> 00:07:21,675 Sit down. 174 00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:28,281 Alan, we're all here because we love you. 175 00:07:28,348 --> 00:07:31,919 And we don't want to see you make a terrible mistake. 176 00:07:31,985 --> 00:07:35,656 I'm just waiting for my toaster strudel to pop. 177 00:07:37,691 --> 00:07:39,359 ( toaster dings ) 178 00:07:39,426 --> 00:07:40,628 There we go. 179 00:07:43,463 --> 00:07:44,665 You told on me. 180 00:07:44,732 --> 00:07:46,166 Hey, you wouldn't listen to reason, 181 00:07:46,233 --> 00:07:50,571 so now you're going to listen to Mom. 182 00:07:50,638 --> 00:07:52,139 Alan, sweetheart, 183 00:07:52,205 --> 00:07:55,375 you know I only want the best for you, right? 184 00:07:55,442 --> 00:07:56,944 Uh... 185 00:07:57,010 --> 00:07:59,012 I do! 186 00:07:59,913 --> 00:08:03,150 I do. 187 00:08:03,216 --> 00:08:04,985 Which is why, when Judith threw you out, 188 00:08:05,052 --> 00:08:06,820 I was right there supporting you. 189 00:08:06,887 --> 00:08:08,956 You had other options? 190 00:08:09,022 --> 00:08:09,990 Don't be naive. 191 00:08:10,057 --> 00:08:11,592 I could have sucked up to Judith 192 00:08:11,659 --> 00:08:13,727 in order to have more access to my grandson. 193 00:08:13,794 --> 00:08:16,163 But, no, I burned that bridge. 194 00:08:16,229 --> 00:08:19,432 I said horrible things to her that I can never take back. 195 00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:20,868 And, keep in mind, this is a woman 196 00:08:20,934 --> 00:08:24,705 who worked the phrase "mousy bitch" into her wedding toast. 197 00:08:27,941 --> 00:08:33,380 So, if you two reconcile, I'll have to apologize to her. 198 00:08:33,446 --> 00:08:34,347 So? 199 00:08:34,414 --> 00:08:37,718 I'd rather kill us all. 200 00:08:39,152 --> 00:08:40,120 Okay. 201 00:08:40,187 --> 00:08:41,488 Moving on. 202 00:08:41,555 --> 00:08:44,457 Rose, do you have something you'd like to say to Alan? 203 00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:46,293 Yes, thank you. 204 00:08:46,359 --> 00:08:51,131 Alan, when I first met you, I didn't care for you at all. 205 00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:54,635 You were a fussy, whiny control freak. 206 00:08:58,205 --> 00:09:01,208 Yes, and-and now? 207 00:09:01,274 --> 00:09:02,475 Oh. 208 00:09:02,542 --> 00:09:04,745 Now it doesn't bother me so much. 209 00:09:04,812 --> 00:09:07,280 CHARLIE: I think what Rose means 210 00:09:07,347 --> 00:09:08,749 is that, since the divorce, 211 00:09:08,816 --> 00:09:10,150 you've grown, you've been reborn. 212 00:09:10,217 --> 00:09:11,885 ROSE: That's not what I meant. 213 00:09:11,952 --> 00:09:15,923 If that was what I meant, that's what I would've said. 214 00:09:15,989 --> 00:09:17,625 Sorry. 215 00:09:17,691 --> 00:09:20,260 Yeah, you'll get your turn. 216 00:09:20,327 --> 00:09:22,696 Okay. 217 00:09:22,763 --> 00:09:26,600 Alan, life is all about moving on. 218 00:09:26,667 --> 00:09:28,335 Now, in the animal kingdom, 219 00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:33,040 sharks move forward while crabs move sideways. 220 00:09:33,106 --> 00:09:35,609 So the question you have to ask yourself is, 221 00:09:35,676 --> 00:09:39,647 are you a shark or a crab? 222 00:09:42,449 --> 00:09:44,885 Which way do sea monkeys move? 223 00:09:44,952 --> 00:09:46,787 ( doorbell rings ) 224 00:09:46,854 --> 00:09:48,689 Okay, that's Judith. 225 00:09:48,756 --> 00:09:50,724 Now, I thank you for your concern, 226 00:09:50,791 --> 00:09:52,325 but, uh, I would appreciate it 227 00:09:52,392 --> 00:09:56,964 if nobody said anything and everybody just stayed out of it. 228 00:09:58,632 --> 00:10:02,269 ( chuckles ): Yeah, right. 229 00:10:02,335 --> 00:10:03,403 Hey, Mom. Hi, honey. 230 00:10:03,470 --> 00:10:04,337 Why aren't you dressed? 231 00:10:04,404 --> 00:10:06,273 Alan, I told you I was picking him up early. 232 00:10:06,339 --> 00:10:07,374 Why isn't he ready? 233 00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:08,341 Go get dressed. I'm sorry. 234 00:10:08,408 --> 00:10:09,376 Yeah, you're always sorry, 235 00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:12,646 but I'm always the one who has to play the bad guy. 236 00:10:12,713 --> 00:10:13,814 Damn it, Alan... Okay, he's gone. 237 00:10:13,881 --> 00:10:16,549 I was thinking about you last night. 238 00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:18,585 Really? What were you thinking? 239 00:10:18,652 --> 00:10:21,121 Just what a nice time I had. 240 00:10:21,188 --> 00:10:22,856 Yes, yes, it was. 241 00:10:28,996 --> 00:10:30,197 Alan? 242 00:10:30,263 --> 00:10:32,399 Uh-huh. 243 00:10:39,072 --> 00:10:41,709 Turn around. 244 00:10:41,775 --> 00:10:43,510 ALL: Hi, Judith. 245 00:10:43,576 --> 00:10:46,446 Hello. How are you? 246 00:10:46,513 --> 00:10:47,981 ALL: Fine. 247 00:10:49,316 --> 00:10:50,250 Bye, everybody. 248 00:10:50,317 --> 00:10:52,152 ALL: Bye, Jake. 249 00:10:52,219 --> 00:10:53,754 Bye-bye. 250 00:10:53,821 --> 00:10:56,389 ALL: Good-bye. 251 00:10:58,525 --> 00:10:59,760 Thanks for staying out of it. 252 00:10:59,827 --> 00:11:02,629 ALL: You're welcome. 253 00:11:02,696 --> 00:11:04,865 * Men... * 254 00:11:06,734 --> 00:11:07,500 I got a surprise for you. 255 00:11:07,567 --> 00:11:08,468 ALAN: Can it wait? 256 00:11:08,535 --> 00:11:09,770 Jake forgot his math book. 257 00:11:09,837 --> 00:11:11,371 I'm going to run it over to Judith's. 258 00:11:11,438 --> 00:11:13,406 No, no, no, no, no, you can't go to Judith's. 259 00:11:13,473 --> 00:11:15,508 The surprise is ready now. 260 00:11:15,575 --> 00:11:17,344 Okay. What is it? 261 00:11:17,410 --> 00:11:21,048 Ta-da! 262 00:11:21,749 --> 00:11:22,750 Oh, for God's sake. 263 00:11:22,816 --> 00:11:25,452 Wait, there's more. 264 00:11:30,390 --> 00:11:31,759 Twins, Alan! 265 00:11:31,825 --> 00:11:32,926 I got 'em for you, 266 00:11:32,993 --> 00:11:34,461 but you can share if you want. 267 00:11:34,527 --> 00:11:36,029 Charlie, no. 268 00:11:36,096 --> 00:11:38,265 Fine, you can have them both. 269 00:11:38,331 --> 00:11:41,334 Bad luck to split sisters anyway. 270 00:11:41,401 --> 00:11:43,303 I don't want either of 'em. I'm going over to Judith's. 271 00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:46,439 I don't think you're getting the full picture here. 272 00:11:46,506 --> 00:11:47,040 Turn around! 273 00:11:47,107 --> 00:11:48,909 Show him the full picture! 274 00:11:50,744 --> 00:11:52,445 Huh? Huh? 275 00:11:52,512 --> 00:11:56,817 That's daily Pilates classes and one meal a month. 276 00:11:57,918 --> 00:11:59,419 I'll see you later. 277 00:11:59,486 --> 00:12:00,353 Are you sure? 278 00:12:00,420 --> 00:12:02,322 Even put together, these girls aren't as old 279 00:12:02,389 --> 00:12:03,423 as your ex-wife. 280 00:12:03,490 --> 00:12:05,926 Bye. 281 00:12:07,027 --> 00:12:09,362 Oh, for the love of God. 282 00:12:09,429 --> 00:12:11,765 Stop turning! 283 00:12:11,832 --> 00:12:14,734 Show's over! 284 00:12:14,802 --> 00:12:16,636 ( whispering ): Isn't he adorable? 285 00:12:16,703 --> 00:12:18,005 ALAN: Yeah. 286 00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:20,307 When's he's sleeping, he's like a little angel. 287 00:12:20,373 --> 00:12:21,541 Uh-huh. 288 00:12:21,608 --> 00:12:24,044 ( breaks wind ) 289 00:12:27,781 --> 00:12:29,416 I was planning to have a glass of wine 290 00:12:29,482 --> 00:12:31,852 and sit in the hot tub before you came over. 291 00:12:31,919 --> 00:12:32,853 Oh, oh, I'm sorry. 292 00:12:32,920 --> 00:12:34,587 I just wanted to be sure he got the book. 293 00:12:34,654 --> 00:12:35,488 I'll get out of your way. 294 00:12:35,555 --> 00:12:37,224 Alan, would you like to join me? 295 00:12:37,290 --> 00:12:39,827 Oh, well, uh, I didn't bring a bathing suit. 296 00:12:39,893 --> 00:12:42,629 You don't need a bathing suit. 297 00:12:42,695 --> 00:12:44,497 Okay. 298 00:12:45,933 --> 00:12:47,500 Have you been keeping up the chlorine treatments? 299 00:12:47,567 --> 00:12:49,202 'Cause, you know, without a bathing suit, 300 00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:52,305 you're just inviting algae into your privates. 301 00:12:54,541 --> 00:12:57,310 I like the, uh... the new patio furniture. 302 00:12:57,377 --> 00:12:58,078 Thanks. 303 00:12:58,145 --> 00:12:59,779 What is that, uh, uh, redwood? 304 00:12:59,847 --> 00:13:00,848 Teak. 305 00:13:00,914 --> 00:13:02,082 Whoa, teak. 306 00:13:02,149 --> 00:13:04,651 That must have set me back a few bucks. 307 00:13:04,717 --> 00:13:07,587 The salesman said it would pay for itself in five years. 308 00:13:07,654 --> 00:13:08,621 Oh, really? Really? 309 00:13:08,688 --> 00:13:10,057 How-how's it going to do that? 310 00:13:10,123 --> 00:13:12,792 Is it going to get a paper route? 311 00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:15,462 It's very nice. 312 00:13:15,528 --> 00:13:16,329 Thank you. 313 00:13:16,396 --> 00:13:18,631 Uh, of course, it's, uh, going to require 314 00:13:18,698 --> 00:13:20,100 a lot of upkeep. 315 00:13:20,167 --> 00:13:23,003 Um, actually, all wood that's outside 316 00:13:23,070 --> 00:13:24,604 requires upkeep... 317 00:13:24,671 --> 00:13:26,639 except trees. 318 00:13:26,706 --> 00:13:28,976 They seem to have it down. 319 00:13:29,042 --> 00:13:31,011 Alan, are you nervous? 320 00:13:31,078 --> 00:13:31,979 Yeah, a-a little. 321 00:13:32,045 --> 00:13:33,180 I mean, uh... 322 00:13:33,246 --> 00:13:35,515 we've been separated for two years. 323 00:13:35,582 --> 00:13:40,220 I haven't seen you naked for four... 324 00:13:40,287 --> 00:13:42,089 except, you know, that-that one time 325 00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:44,691 I walked in on you on the toilet, um... 326 00:13:44,757 --> 00:13:47,127 Shh... 327 00:13:48,261 --> 00:13:50,263 JAKE: Mom, you out there? 328 00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:52,399 ( whispering ): Oh, my God, what are we going to do?! 329 00:13:52,465 --> 00:13:53,566 Take a deep breath. 330 00:13:53,633 --> 00:13:55,235 What? 331 00:13:55,936 --> 00:13:57,070 I'm thirsty. 332 00:13:57,137 --> 00:13:58,205 Uh, so have something to drink. 333 00:13:58,271 --> 00:13:59,806 There's no more Goofy Juice. 334 00:13:59,873 --> 00:14:01,508 So have some water. 335 00:14:01,574 --> 00:14:03,010 Fine. 336 00:14:04,411 --> 00:14:06,313 ( gasping ) 337 00:14:06,379 --> 00:14:07,647 Hey, Mom? 338 00:14:07,714 --> 00:14:09,883 What?! 339 00:14:10,884 --> 00:14:12,152 I'm hungry, too. 340 00:14:12,219 --> 00:14:13,286 Can you make me a sandwich? 341 00:14:13,353 --> 00:14:15,355 No. Have your drink and go to bed. 342 00:14:15,422 --> 00:14:17,357 Fine. 343 00:14:18,892 --> 00:14:20,227 ( gasping ) 344 00:14:20,293 --> 00:14:22,162 JAKE: Mom? 345 00:14:23,130 --> 00:14:24,364 How about a cookie? 346 00:14:24,431 --> 00:14:26,299 Uh, you already brushed your teeth. 347 00:14:26,366 --> 00:14:27,067 No, I didn't. 348 00:14:27,134 --> 00:14:28,435 You said you did. 349 00:14:28,501 --> 00:14:29,336 I always say that. 350 00:14:29,402 --> 00:14:32,272 Well, then brush them and go to bed. 351 00:14:32,339 --> 00:14:34,107 Fine. 352 00:14:38,979 --> 00:14:40,380 ( gasping ) 353 00:14:45,785 --> 00:14:47,254 Are you okay? 354 00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:51,058 There was a bright light, and I saw my dead grandma. 355 00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:54,627 She seemed happy. 356 00:14:54,694 --> 00:14:56,496 Here, have a little wine. 357 00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:58,631 Thank you. Thank you. 358 00:14:58,698 --> 00:14:59,799 That was close. 359 00:14:59,866 --> 00:15:02,269 Oh, relax, he... he didn't see you. 360 00:15:02,335 --> 00:15:04,171 And what if he comes back? 361 00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:05,205 Maybe I should go. 362 00:15:05,272 --> 00:15:08,575 Or we could go upstairs and get in bed. 363 00:15:09,476 --> 00:15:12,445 Bed? Our old bed? 364 00:15:12,512 --> 00:15:12,946 My new bed. 365 00:15:13,013 --> 00:15:13,947 Oh. 366 00:15:14,014 --> 00:15:15,382 What was wrong with the old one? 367 00:15:15,448 --> 00:15:16,416 Too many memories. 368 00:15:16,483 --> 00:15:18,218 Of what? You pretending to sleep 369 00:15:18,285 --> 00:15:21,354 and me watching Letterman? 370 00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:23,723 Alan, do you really want to have this conversation? 371 00:15:23,790 --> 00:15:24,891 No, I don't, but apparently 372 00:15:24,958 --> 00:15:27,127 my mouth has a mind of its own. 373 00:15:27,194 --> 00:15:29,296 Well, let's put your mouth to better use. 374 00:15:29,362 --> 00:15:33,066 I can't go back underwater, Judith. 375 00:15:37,537 --> 00:15:38,838 Hey, Charlie? 376 00:15:38,905 --> 00:15:39,806 Yeah? 377 00:15:39,872 --> 00:15:42,342 Not that it's any of my business, 378 00:15:42,409 --> 00:15:44,077 but I couldn't help noticing the matched set 379 00:15:44,144 --> 00:15:47,480 of rotating floozies on your deck earlier. 380 00:15:47,547 --> 00:15:48,448 They were for Alan. 381 00:15:48,515 --> 00:15:50,417 I was trying to get his mind off of Judith. 382 00:15:50,483 --> 00:15:54,421 With a night of meaningless, impersonal group sex? 383 00:15:54,487 --> 00:15:56,889 What a good brother. 384 00:15:56,956 --> 00:15:59,792 No, no. A good brother gets him a couple of girls. 385 00:15:59,859 --> 00:16:04,697 It takes a great brother to get him two from the same egg. 386 00:16:04,764 --> 00:16:06,799 You know... 387 00:16:06,866 --> 00:16:10,370 there is a possibility that we were wrong about this. 388 00:16:10,437 --> 00:16:12,772 Maybe Alan and Judith can work things out. 389 00:16:12,839 --> 00:16:16,409 Maybe, but if they do, what happens to Jake? 390 00:16:16,476 --> 00:16:17,577 He grows up in a happy home 391 00:16:17,644 --> 00:16:20,180 with a mommy and daddy who love each other. 392 00:16:20,247 --> 00:16:22,515 Yeah, but what about me? 393 00:16:23,450 --> 00:16:25,652 It's too late for you, Charlie. 394 00:16:25,718 --> 00:16:29,089 No, I mean, what happens to me and Jake? 395 00:16:29,156 --> 00:16:30,557 I'll never get to see him. 396 00:16:30,623 --> 00:16:33,760 Aw, you really love the little guy, huh? 397 00:16:33,826 --> 00:16:37,630 Yeah, I guess I do. 398 00:16:37,697 --> 00:16:40,067 Love hurts, Rose. 399 00:16:40,133 --> 00:16:42,102 Yes, it does. 400 00:16:42,169 --> 00:16:44,637 Especially when you've given your heart to someone 401 00:16:44,704 --> 00:16:46,506 who barely knows you exist, 402 00:16:46,573 --> 00:16:51,344 who insists on plowing through strange, stupid women 403 00:16:51,411 --> 00:16:53,513 who could never love him the way you do, 404 00:16:53,580 --> 00:16:57,484 leaving you to stand outside, alone in the night, 405 00:16:57,550 --> 00:17:01,154 wishing with all your heart that he would come to his senses 406 00:17:01,221 --> 00:17:05,725 and realize that his true happiness lies with you and no one else, 407 00:17:05,792 --> 00:17:09,362 but knowing all the while that it'll never happen 408 00:17:09,429 --> 00:17:14,267 because he's a selfish, immature, heartless jerk! 409 00:17:17,937 --> 00:17:20,340 I mean... 410 00:17:20,407 --> 00:17:22,175 poor baby. 411 00:17:26,679 --> 00:17:29,282 Okay, I'm going to stick my neck out here 412 00:17:29,349 --> 00:17:31,851 and say that was the best sex we ever had. 413 00:17:31,918 --> 00:17:32,952 I agree. 414 00:17:33,019 --> 00:17:34,821 Not that it wasn't good before... 415 00:17:34,887 --> 00:17:36,423 It wasn't. 416 00:17:37,124 --> 00:17:40,927 Okay. Granted. 417 00:17:40,993 --> 00:17:43,930 Which raises the question... 418 00:17:43,996 --> 00:17:46,533 Why is it so much better now? 419 00:17:46,599 --> 00:17:47,634 Does it matter? 420 00:17:47,700 --> 00:17:48,901 No, not-not really. 421 00:17:48,968 --> 00:17:50,737 I mean, just-just curious. 422 00:17:50,803 --> 00:17:52,505 I mean, I, uh... 423 00:17:52,572 --> 00:17:55,442 I noticed, uh, some new moves on your part, 424 00:17:55,508 --> 00:17:57,177 and I can't help wondering 425 00:17:57,244 --> 00:17:59,011 where you might have picked them up. 426 00:17:59,078 --> 00:18:00,247 Are you saying you haven't been 427 00:18:00,313 --> 00:18:01,714 with other women in the last two years? 428 00:18:01,781 --> 00:18:03,416 Oh, no, no, I-I've been with other women. 429 00:18:03,483 --> 00:18:05,952 I just didn't learn anything. 430 00:18:06,018 --> 00:18:07,254 You, on the other hand, 431 00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:09,422 have an entirely new sexual repertoire, 432 00:18:09,489 --> 00:18:11,258 including a-a couple of numbers 433 00:18:11,324 --> 00:18:14,461 I repeatedly requested when we were married. 434 00:18:14,527 --> 00:18:17,029 Alan... And by "requested," I mean "begged." 435 00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:19,031 Please don't go there. 436 00:18:19,098 --> 00:18:20,433 Oh. Now, see, that's, uh... 437 00:18:20,500 --> 00:18:22,869 that's what I'm used to hearing from you in bed. 438 00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:24,171 "Don't go there." 439 00:18:24,237 --> 00:18:26,173 "Ooh, don't touch that." 440 00:18:26,239 --> 00:18:29,876 "Leave that alone. It's not a toy." 441 00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:30,643 So I've changed. 442 00:18:30,710 --> 00:18:32,145 I would think that you would be happy. 443 00:18:32,212 --> 00:18:34,681 Well, I was... very happy, 444 00:18:34,747 --> 00:18:36,649 but then I started to think about it, 445 00:18:36,716 --> 00:18:39,886 and there's no reason you couldn't have changed with me. 446 00:18:39,952 --> 00:18:42,121 Oh, please. I mean, I gave you every chance. 447 00:18:42,189 --> 00:18:43,690 I-I bought tickets to sex seminars. 448 00:18:43,756 --> 00:18:47,026 I-I brought home books and tapes and accessories, 449 00:18:47,093 --> 00:18:48,395 and-and-and what happened? 450 00:18:48,461 --> 00:18:50,930 I sat right here reading and watching by myself 451 00:18:50,997 --> 00:18:54,234 while eating low-fat love jelly straight out of the tube. 452 00:18:54,301 --> 00:18:56,769 Okay, I can see this was a bad idea. No, no. 453 00:18:56,836 --> 00:18:58,938 The bad idea was sitting in that filthy hot tub 454 00:18:59,005 --> 00:18:59,739 without a bathing suit. 455 00:18:59,806 --> 00:19:02,074 I can feel mushrooms growing in my crack 456 00:19:02,141 --> 00:19:03,009 as we speak. 457 00:19:03,075 --> 00:19:04,244 Just go home, Alan. 458 00:19:04,311 --> 00:19:05,278 Hey, we're not married anymore. 459 00:19:05,345 --> 00:19:06,746 You can't tell me what to do. 460 00:19:06,813 --> 00:19:09,216 JAKE: Hey, Mom, does this look infected? 461 00:19:09,282 --> 00:19:10,617 Okay, bye. 462 00:19:13,286 --> 00:19:14,821 ( bushes rustling ) 463 00:19:16,356 --> 00:19:19,926 It's okay. I didn't see anything. 464 00:19:19,992 --> 00:19:22,262 * Men... * 465 00:19:24,431 --> 00:19:27,700 ( door opening and closing ) 466 00:19:39,446 --> 00:19:41,314 Hey. 467 00:19:43,883 --> 00:19:44,817 Hey. 468 00:19:48,288 --> 00:19:50,957 What are you watching? 469 00:19:51,023 --> 00:19:53,493 Soft-core porn. 470 00:19:55,362 --> 00:19:57,163 Sound's not on. 471 00:19:57,230 --> 00:20:00,433 I don't need to hear 'em. 472 00:20:00,500 --> 00:20:03,336 Aren't those the-the twins from the deck? 473 00:20:03,403 --> 00:20:05,305 Too late now, Alan. 474 00:20:05,372 --> 00:20:07,774 You could have been delivering that pizza. 475 00:20:12,111 --> 00:20:14,881 So, how's Judith? 476 00:20:14,947 --> 00:20:19,051 Fine. She got some new patio furniture. 477 00:20:19,118 --> 00:20:20,520 That's nice. 478 00:20:20,587 --> 00:20:21,354 Teak. 479 00:20:21,421 --> 00:20:24,424 Put in some rosebushes, too. 480 00:20:24,491 --> 00:20:25,658 How about that? 481 00:20:25,725 --> 00:20:29,896 And I think the neighbors got a new dog. 482 00:20:29,962 --> 00:20:30,697 Huh. 483 00:20:30,763 --> 00:20:33,600 A mean dog. 484 00:20:36,168 --> 00:20:38,438 Really? 485 00:20:38,505 --> 00:20:41,341 Might have been a coyote. 486 00:20:43,743 --> 00:20:45,678 Mm-hmm. 487 00:20:45,745 --> 00:20:46,613 Hard to say. 488 00:20:46,679 --> 00:20:50,917 It was dark, and I was crying. 489 00:20:54,521 --> 00:20:55,888 Anything else? 490 00:20:55,955 --> 00:20:56,756 No. 491 00:20:56,823 --> 00:21:00,627 Oh, yeah, um... I saw our dead grandmother. 492 00:21:00,693 --> 00:21:01,828 Where? 493 00:21:01,894 --> 00:21:03,430 In the hot tub. 494 00:21:03,496 --> 00:21:04,431 ( car horn honks ) 495 00:21:04,497 --> 00:21:07,634 Oh, that's the cab. 496 00:21:07,700 --> 00:21:10,537 Ooh, could you, uh, lend me 60 bucks? 497 00:21:10,603 --> 00:21:14,907 Uh, I don't have my wallet on me. 498 00:21:16,776 --> 00:21:18,711 Sure. 499 00:21:18,778 --> 00:21:22,281 Oh. Thank you. 500 00:21:27,887 --> 00:21:32,492 Huh. I suddenly have a craving for pizza.