1 00:00:01,469 --> 00:00:02,770 Hey, Doc, how many more adjustments 2 00:00:02,836 --> 00:00:03,937 do you think I'm going to need? 3 00:00:04,004 --> 00:00:05,739 Well, Mr. Malinkovich, let's see. 4 00:00:05,806 --> 00:00:11,479 Um, my son won't graduate college till 2015, so... 5 00:00:11,545 --> 00:00:13,647 a lot. 6 00:00:14,582 --> 00:00:17,051 See you next time. 7 00:00:19,087 --> 00:00:20,321 Okay, Mr. Dunlop. 8 00:00:20,388 --> 00:00:21,822 It's good to see you again, sir. 9 00:00:21,889 --> 00:00:24,525 And, uh, how are we doing today? 10 00:00:25,526 --> 00:00:26,260 Not good. 11 00:00:26,327 --> 00:00:28,662 I was making love to my wife last night. 12 00:00:28,729 --> 00:00:31,065 Oh, my God, is she okay? 13 00:00:31,132 --> 00:00:33,334 She's fine. She was on top. 14 00:00:33,401 --> 00:00:35,536 But my back went out, Doc. 15 00:00:35,603 --> 00:00:36,470 Okay, well, let's, uh, 16 00:00:36,537 --> 00:00:38,106 get you on the table and get to work. 17 00:00:38,806 --> 00:00:40,641 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 18 00:00:40,708 --> 00:00:42,876 Steady there, big fella. 19 00:00:42,943 --> 00:00:44,245 I took some pain pills 20 00:00:44,312 --> 00:00:46,247 my wife had left over from her C-section. 21 00:00:46,314 --> 00:00:48,416 I guess my legs are a little rubbery. 22 00:00:48,482 --> 00:00:50,551 How many pills did you take? 23 00:00:50,618 --> 00:00:51,419 Well, let's see. 24 00:00:51,485 --> 00:00:52,986 One when I went to bed... 25 00:00:53,053 --> 00:00:55,656 Mm-hmm. one when I got up... 26 00:00:55,723 --> 00:00:57,024 Seven. 27 00:00:57,091 --> 00:00:58,126 Really? 28 00:00:58,192 --> 00:00:59,593 You know, it's not usually a good idea 29 00:00:59,660 --> 00:01:02,363 to pop Class-A narcotics like Skittles. 30 00:01:02,430 --> 00:01:04,532 Doc, I gotta lie down. 31 00:01:04,598 --> 00:01:06,700 Okay, okay, but not here, n-not now. 32 00:01:06,767 --> 00:01:08,536 No, no, no, no, no! 33 00:01:09,603 --> 00:01:12,039 Oh, my God! 34 00:01:12,106 --> 00:01:14,175 Mr. Dunlop! 35 00:01:14,242 --> 00:01:17,245 Mr. Dunlop, you need to get up. 36 00:01:18,379 --> 00:01:20,614 Help! 37 00:01:20,681 --> 00:01:23,751 Fire! 38 00:01:24,652 --> 00:01:27,655 Big giant guy! 39 00:01:29,990 --> 00:01:32,693 ( cell phone ring tone plays "Fur Elise" ) 40 00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:34,795 Oh, perfect. 41 00:01:34,862 --> 00:01:36,730 ( grunting ) 42 00:01:42,736 --> 00:01:45,773 Dr. Harper speaking. 43 00:01:47,441 --> 00:01:50,844 Judith, this is not a good time. 44 00:01:50,911 --> 00:01:53,714 I'm with a patient. 45 00:01:53,781 --> 00:01:56,217 Well, what about Jake? 46 00:01:56,284 --> 00:01:58,919 Well, no, I can't pick him up at school now. 47 00:01:58,986 --> 00:02:00,788 W-Why can't you do it? 48 00:02:00,854 --> 00:02:05,125 You're not the only one under pressure, Judith! 49 00:02:06,327 --> 00:02:09,129 All right, I'll call Charlie and have him pick him up. 50 00:02:10,030 --> 00:02:12,200 Mm... 51 00:02:14,202 --> 00:02:16,637 Hey, hey, stop that. 52 00:02:17,938 --> 00:02:20,007 Stop that. 53 00:02:20,073 --> 00:02:23,277 ( phone ringing ) 54 00:02:23,344 --> 00:02:24,412 Do you need to get it? 55 00:02:24,478 --> 00:02:26,280 Nah, the machine'll pick up. 56 00:02:26,347 --> 00:02:27,181 ( tape clicking ) 57 00:02:27,248 --> 00:02:28,416 Hey, it's Charlie. 58 00:02:28,482 --> 00:02:30,117 Do your thing when you hear the beep. 59 00:02:30,184 --> 00:02:31,419 ( beep ) 60 00:02:31,485 --> 00:02:34,522 ALAN: Charlie, I need your help. 61 00:02:34,588 --> 00:02:37,925 Oh, pick up, pick up, pick up! 62 00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:39,627 For God's sake! 63 00:02:39,693 --> 00:02:40,861 ( beep ) 64 00:02:40,928 --> 00:02:42,463 See? 65 00:02:42,530 --> 00:02:46,099 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 66 00:02:46,166 --> 00:02:48,702 * Men... * 67 00:02:52,406 --> 00:02:53,707 Hey, look who's here. 68 00:02:53,774 --> 00:02:54,475 Hi. 69 00:02:54,542 --> 00:02:55,643 How come you're not in school? 70 00:02:55,709 --> 00:02:58,178 He got sent home-- for misbehaving. 71 00:02:58,246 --> 00:02:59,813 Well, it's about time. 72 00:03:01,315 --> 00:03:02,483 Hey, when I was your age, 73 00:03:02,550 --> 00:03:04,184 I had already been arrested twice. 74 00:03:04,252 --> 00:03:06,220 Charlie, don't. 75 00:03:06,287 --> 00:03:08,188 No convictions. 76 00:03:08,256 --> 00:03:09,590 Come on. I've had a really bad day. 77 00:03:09,657 --> 00:03:10,991 I had to cancel all my patients 78 00:03:11,058 --> 00:03:13,126 and close my office to go pick him up. 79 00:03:13,193 --> 00:03:14,262 Wow, what a drag. 80 00:03:14,328 --> 00:03:15,396 Hey, I got 81 00:03:15,463 --> 00:03:16,397 some new video games. 82 00:03:16,464 --> 00:03:17,298 You wanna play with me? 83 00:03:17,365 --> 00:03:18,198 Sure. Did you forget 84 00:03:18,266 --> 00:03:19,633 you're being punished? 85 00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:22,936 No, but why does Uncle Charlie have to suffer? 86 00:03:23,003 --> 00:03:24,338 Go to your room. 87 00:03:24,405 --> 00:03:25,606 You know, in some countries 88 00:03:25,673 --> 00:03:27,575 you're innocent until proven guilty. 89 00:03:27,641 --> 00:03:28,976 You confessed. 90 00:03:29,042 --> 00:03:30,411 Oh, yeah. 91 00:03:31,812 --> 00:03:35,816 And that country you're thinking of is this one, genius! 92 00:03:37,351 --> 00:03:39,920 What'd he do? Something awful. 93 00:03:39,987 --> 00:03:40,754 How awful? 94 00:03:40,821 --> 00:03:43,156 These are all multi-player games. 95 00:03:43,223 --> 00:03:44,425 Apparently, there is 96 00:03:44,492 --> 00:03:47,261 a little girl in Jake's class named Barbara Schmidt 97 00:03:47,328 --> 00:03:50,298 who is a little more physically developed 98 00:03:50,364 --> 00:03:52,733 than the other girls, and Jake decided 99 00:03:52,800 --> 00:03:56,003 to make a picture of her and pass it around. 100 00:04:05,579 --> 00:04:07,014 I only passed it to one person. 101 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:11,485 What happened after that was not my responsibility. 102 00:04:11,552 --> 00:04:15,489 Aw, dude! Why'd you sign it? 103 00:04:15,556 --> 00:04:18,792 Okay, that part I regret. 104 00:04:18,859 --> 00:04:21,995 Go back to your room. 105 00:04:22,062 --> 00:04:24,031 "Boobra Schmidt." 106 00:04:24,097 --> 00:04:27,000 I'm putting this one on the refrigerator. 107 00:04:27,067 --> 00:04:29,169 Charlie, this is serious. 108 00:04:29,236 --> 00:04:31,472 It really speaks to me. 109 00:04:31,539 --> 00:04:34,542 The girl went home in tears, her mother is on the warpath 110 00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:35,843 and Jake could get expelled. 111 00:04:35,909 --> 00:04:36,644 For a silly drawing? 112 00:04:36,710 --> 00:04:38,346 It's considered sexual harassment. 113 00:04:38,412 --> 00:04:40,113 The school has a zero-tolerance policy. 114 00:04:40,180 --> 00:04:41,515 Oh, for the good old days 115 00:04:41,582 --> 00:04:44,485 when you could wander into the girls' locker room 116 00:04:44,552 --> 00:04:45,719 pretending you were blind. 117 00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:49,089 You actually did that? That's horrible. 118 00:04:49,156 --> 00:04:50,424 No, the horrible part 119 00:04:50,491 --> 00:04:52,693 was stealing the dog from the blind kid. 120 00:04:54,795 --> 00:04:58,632 Well, unfortunately, times have changed and we no longer live 121 00:04:58,699 --> 00:04:59,833 in a Porky's movie. 122 00:04:59,900 --> 00:05:02,436 JAKE: What's a Porky's movie?! 123 00:05:02,503 --> 00:05:03,504 Close the door! 124 00:05:03,571 --> 00:05:06,540 I'll be in to talk with you in a minute! 125 00:05:06,607 --> 00:05:07,941 ( door closes ) Alan, go easy on him. 126 00:05:08,008 --> 00:05:09,710 He doesn't understand what he did wrong. 127 00:05:09,777 --> 00:05:12,880 JAKE: He's right! I don't have a clue! 128 00:05:12,946 --> 00:05:15,483 I thought I told you to close the door! 129 00:05:15,549 --> 00:05:18,786 It is closed. 130 00:05:18,852 --> 00:05:20,788 Go in your room! 131 00:05:20,854 --> 00:05:22,756 JAKE: Fine. 132 00:05:22,823 --> 00:05:23,357 You know what? 133 00:05:23,424 --> 00:05:24,525 Maybe I should talk to him. 134 00:05:24,592 --> 00:05:27,428 Oh. Oh, now you want to help? 135 00:05:27,495 --> 00:05:28,796 What's that supposed to mean? 136 00:05:28,862 --> 00:05:30,864 It means why didn't you pick up the phone 137 00:05:30,931 --> 00:05:32,566 when I needed you this afternoon? 138 00:05:32,633 --> 00:05:36,003 Um... I didn't want to? 139 00:05:36,069 --> 00:05:37,104 See? See? 140 00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:38,439 I can't depend on you. 141 00:05:38,506 --> 00:05:39,907 I never have been able to depend on you, 142 00:05:39,973 --> 00:05:41,775 and I never will be able to depend on you, 143 00:05:41,842 --> 00:05:42,410 and you know why? 144 00:05:42,476 --> 00:05:44,512 Because I'm undependable? 145 00:05:44,578 --> 00:05:47,415 Yes! Yes! Undependable and, an-and selfish, 146 00:05:47,481 --> 00:05:50,518 and frankly, I'm the idiot, because I deluded myself 147 00:05:50,584 --> 00:05:52,553 into believing that when I desperately 148 00:05:52,620 --> 00:05:54,755 needed my brother to go pick up my kid at school, 149 00:05:54,822 --> 00:05:58,258 he might actually bother to pick up the freaking phone! 150 00:05:58,325 --> 00:06:00,961 Okay, okay, in my defense, 151 00:06:01,028 --> 00:06:02,763 I really didn't want to. 152 00:06:05,999 --> 00:06:06,934 Okay, you're right. 153 00:06:07,000 --> 00:06:09,069 I'm sorry, I-I should've picked up the phone. 154 00:06:09,136 --> 00:06:10,404 Forget it. What's done is done. 155 00:06:10,471 --> 00:06:11,972 No sense grinding on it. 156 00:06:12,039 --> 00:06:13,240 Thank you. 157 00:06:13,306 --> 00:06:16,644 I just have to accept the fact that I-I can't count on anyone, 158 00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:19,346 least of all an emotionally immature narcissist 159 00:06:19,413 --> 00:06:21,381 who thinks that the sun rises out of his navel 160 00:06:21,449 --> 00:06:22,716 and sets in his scrotum 161 00:06:22,783 --> 00:06:26,019 and only cares about what lies between the two. 162 00:06:26,086 --> 00:06:30,123 Okay, I'm no expert, but that sounds a lot like "grinding." 163 00:06:30,190 --> 00:06:32,426 I am done talking to you. 164 00:06:32,493 --> 00:06:34,462 Come on, Alan, I said I was sorry. 165 00:06:34,528 --> 00:06:35,629 Give me another chance. 166 00:06:35,696 --> 00:06:37,097 For what? To let me down again? 167 00:06:37,164 --> 00:06:39,800 Tell me what I can do. Name something. Anything. 168 00:06:41,368 --> 00:06:42,570 Okay, okay. 169 00:06:42,636 --> 00:06:43,837 I have to go to Jake's school tomorrow 170 00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:45,673 to see if I can keep him from being expelled. 171 00:06:45,739 --> 00:06:48,108 You want me to go with you? I am there. You can count on me. 172 00:06:48,175 --> 00:06:51,845 No, my receptionist is out sick all week and I need somebody 173 00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:53,380 to handle the phones while I'm gone. 174 00:06:53,447 --> 00:06:55,182 In your office? 175 00:06:55,248 --> 00:06:56,283 Yes. 176 00:06:56,349 --> 00:06:58,151 Way out in the Valley? 177 00:06:58,218 --> 00:06:59,386 Yes. 178 00:06:59,453 --> 00:07:01,822 All day? 179 00:07:01,889 --> 00:07:02,823 Yes. 180 00:07:02,890 --> 00:07:05,793 Gee, tomorrow's not really good for me. 181 00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:10,564 All right, all right, what time? 182 00:07:10,631 --> 00:07:12,332 The office opens at eight. 183 00:07:12,399 --> 00:07:14,201 O'clock? 184 00:07:16,136 --> 00:07:17,838 No, degrees. 185 00:07:17,905 --> 00:07:20,741 No reason to be snide. I just don't want to be late. 186 00:07:20,808 --> 00:07:21,542 Fine. 187 00:07:21,609 --> 00:07:23,677 We leave at seven. 188 00:07:25,278 --> 00:07:26,446 O'clock? 189 00:07:28,582 --> 00:07:29,850 * Men. 190 00:07:29,917 --> 00:07:31,151 ALAN: Okay, Charlie! 191 00:07:31,218 --> 00:07:33,353 Time to get up and go to work! 192 00:07:33,420 --> 00:07:36,356 Charlie? 193 00:07:36,423 --> 00:07:38,391 Of course. 194 00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:41,995 Never even came home. 195 00:07:44,765 --> 00:07:45,833 Why help your only brother 196 00:07:45,899 --> 00:07:48,536 when you can be out boffing total strangers? 197 00:07:51,438 --> 00:07:52,606 "I'll be there for you." 198 00:07:52,673 --> 00:07:54,542 "You can count on me." 199 00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:57,578 My own fault. 200 00:07:57,645 --> 00:07:59,479 I'm just stupid and gullible. 201 00:07:59,547 --> 00:08:02,382 And annoying. Don't forget annoying. 202 00:08:02,449 --> 00:08:03,784 You're here. 203 00:08:03,851 --> 00:08:05,485 You said 7:00, right? 204 00:08:05,553 --> 00:08:06,319 You got yourself up? 205 00:08:06,386 --> 00:08:07,120 Didn't have to. 206 00:08:07,187 --> 00:08:07,955 Why not? 207 00:08:08,021 --> 00:08:09,256 Didn't sleep. 208 00:08:10,591 --> 00:08:11,659 You haven't been to bed? 209 00:08:11,725 --> 00:08:12,960 Not my bed. 210 00:08:13,026 --> 00:08:14,161 Hey, you want some coffee? 211 00:08:14,227 --> 00:08:15,996 I made some coffee. 212 00:08:16,063 --> 00:08:17,731 It's really good coffee. Oop, no more coffee. 213 00:08:17,798 --> 00:08:19,700 Why don't you make 214 00:08:19,767 --> 00:08:22,402 some more coffee while I go take a squirt? 215 00:08:22,469 --> 00:08:23,403 Morning. 216 00:08:23,470 --> 00:08:26,073 Yo, Berta. Berta, Bert, Bert, Bert. 217 00:08:26,139 --> 00:08:28,341 He just getting home? 218 00:08:28,408 --> 00:08:29,309 Yeah. 219 00:08:29,376 --> 00:08:30,944 You gotta wonder how long he can keep 220 00:08:31,011 --> 00:08:33,246 burnin' that penis at both ends. 221 00:08:33,313 --> 00:08:36,149 I try not to think about it. 222 00:08:36,216 --> 00:08:37,818 Um... Listen, 223 00:08:37,885 --> 00:08:40,387 Charlie is coming with me to work today. 224 00:08:40,453 --> 00:08:41,388 Why? 225 00:08:41,454 --> 00:08:43,056 He's gonna help me at the office. 226 00:08:43,123 --> 00:08:44,524 You want to bet? 227 00:08:44,592 --> 00:08:46,259 What's up with Uncle Charlie? 228 00:08:46,326 --> 00:08:47,360 What do you mean? 229 00:08:47,427 --> 00:08:50,197 He's peein' off the deck. 230 00:08:50,263 --> 00:08:52,032 I thought we weren't allowed to do that. 231 00:08:52,099 --> 00:08:53,100 We're not. 232 00:08:53,166 --> 00:08:54,835 We're not?! 233 00:08:56,303 --> 00:08:57,938 No, we're not. 234 00:08:58,005 --> 00:08:58,872 Okay. 235 00:08:58,939 --> 00:09:01,374 What's the Oompa Loompa doing here on a weekday? 236 00:09:01,441 --> 00:09:03,911 He got suspended from school. 237 00:09:03,977 --> 00:09:05,545 Why isn't he with his mother? 238 00:09:05,613 --> 00:09:10,050 Uh, Judith had a little liposuction yesterday 239 00:09:10,117 --> 00:09:13,153 and she needs to stay in bed until she... 240 00:09:13,220 --> 00:09:15,889 stops leaking fat. 241 00:09:15,956 --> 00:09:18,792 Yeah, I hate it when that happens. 242 00:09:21,028 --> 00:09:23,230 So what did the melonhead do? 243 00:09:23,296 --> 00:09:25,966 Oh, it's a long story. 244 00:09:26,033 --> 00:09:27,234 Ah! 245 00:09:27,300 --> 00:09:29,803 Worth a thousand words. 246 00:09:29,870 --> 00:09:31,972 Come on, Charlie! 247 00:09:32,039 --> 00:09:32,640 Let's go! 248 00:09:32,706 --> 00:09:35,075 Hang on. I'm not done yet! 249 00:09:35,142 --> 00:09:37,577 Oh, will you leave the seagulls alone?! 250 00:09:37,645 --> 00:09:38,979 For crying out loud! 251 00:09:41,114 --> 00:09:42,783 So... 252 00:09:42,850 --> 00:09:47,254 You like making fun of girls with big boobs. 253 00:09:52,993 --> 00:09:54,895 Not anymore. 254 00:09:56,363 --> 00:09:58,265 * Men. 255 00:10:01,301 --> 00:10:03,070 ( humming "Tequila" ) 256 00:10:12,479 --> 00:10:14,214 ( humming "Tequila" ) 257 00:10:21,188 --> 00:10:22,322 Gridlock! 258 00:10:26,794 --> 00:10:29,296 ( humming "Tequila" ) Stop. 259 00:10:30,130 --> 00:10:30,497 People do this 260 00:10:30,563 --> 00:10:31,732 every day? 261 00:10:31,799 --> 00:10:33,566 Drive to work at eight miles an hour? 262 00:10:33,633 --> 00:10:35,268 Pretty much. 263 00:10:35,335 --> 00:10:38,305 I'd have to kill myself. 264 00:10:38,371 --> 00:10:39,106 Oh, click. 265 00:10:39,172 --> 00:10:40,007 What? 266 00:10:40,073 --> 00:10:41,942 I just had a phenomenal business idea. 267 00:10:42,009 --> 00:10:45,178 They haven't perfected personal jet packs yet. 268 00:10:45,245 --> 00:10:46,947 Oh. 269 00:10:47,014 --> 00:10:48,281 Okay, I have another one. 270 00:10:48,348 --> 00:10:51,852 We buy a donut machine and put it in your trunk. 271 00:10:51,919 --> 00:10:54,387 Let's go back to the jet packs. 272 00:10:54,454 --> 00:10:55,455 Hear me out. 273 00:10:55,522 --> 00:10:57,590 The next time you're stuck in a traffic jam, 274 00:10:57,657 --> 00:11:00,527 you just pop your trunk 275 00:11:00,593 --> 00:11:01,762 Uh-huh. 276 00:11:01,829 --> 00:11:05,132 We'll call 'em... Gridnuts... 277 00:11:06,533 --> 00:11:07,801 Trunk Crullers... 278 00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:12,272 Stop 'n' Go-Nuts. 279 00:11:13,306 --> 00:11:13,907 Charlie? 280 00:11:13,974 --> 00:11:15,575 Yeah? Please stop talking. 281 00:11:15,642 --> 00:11:16,910 Okay. 282 00:11:18,345 --> 00:11:19,512 I got it! 283 00:11:19,579 --> 00:11:21,314 Trunkin' Donuts. 284 00:11:25,853 --> 00:11:27,755 ( humming "Tequila" ) 285 00:11:29,857 --> 00:11:31,524 ( door chiming ) 286 00:11:31,591 --> 00:11:32,659 Here it is. 287 00:11:32,726 --> 00:11:35,729 The chiropractic offices of Dr. Alan Harper. 288 00:11:35,796 --> 00:11:38,065 Wow. 289 00:11:38,131 --> 00:11:40,167 So this is where you come every day, huh? 290 00:11:40,233 --> 00:11:41,201 Yep, for 11 years. 291 00:11:41,268 --> 00:11:42,369 What do you think? 292 00:11:44,071 --> 00:11:47,908 I would've killed myself ten and a half years ago. 293 00:11:49,209 --> 00:11:52,645 Okay, now, all you have to do is sit here 294 00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:54,281 and when the phone rings, pick it up 295 00:11:54,347 --> 00:11:57,150 and say, "Dr. Harper's office." 296 00:11:57,217 --> 00:11:58,919 So right off the bat, I lie? 297 00:12:01,421 --> 00:12:02,756 I am a doctor, Charlie. 298 00:12:02,823 --> 00:12:05,793 Yeah, and I'm king of the traffic donuts. 299 00:12:10,297 --> 00:12:11,899 Moving on... 300 00:12:11,965 --> 00:12:13,366 I have canceled all the morning appointments, 301 00:12:13,433 --> 00:12:14,868 so the only thing 302 00:12:14,935 --> 00:12:16,503 you're going to have to deal with is walk-ins. 303 00:12:16,569 --> 00:12:18,338 Just have them make an appointment for another time. 304 00:12:18,405 --> 00:12:21,041 So I don't get to crack anybody's back? 305 00:12:21,108 --> 00:12:25,946 Charlie, listen to me very carefully. 306 00:12:26,013 --> 00:12:29,416 You must not touch the patients. 307 00:12:31,051 --> 00:12:32,519 This is not me talking. 308 00:12:32,585 --> 00:12:34,955 This is the State of California. 309 00:12:36,556 --> 00:12:37,490 Okay. 310 00:12:37,557 --> 00:12:39,526 Let me be absolutely clear. 311 00:12:40,627 --> 00:12:43,230 No touching the patients. 312 00:12:43,296 --> 00:12:44,664 Got it. 313 00:12:44,731 --> 00:12:45,866 What did I just say to you? 314 00:12:45,933 --> 00:12:47,234 Repeat it back to me. 315 00:12:47,300 --> 00:12:50,270 Boy, you're really not a morning person, are you? 316 00:12:50,337 --> 00:12:52,605 All right, I've got to go get to Jake's school. 317 00:12:52,672 --> 00:12:55,075 Say a prayer that I can keep him from being expelled. 318 00:12:55,142 --> 00:12:56,910 Don't worry about a thing. 319 00:12:56,977 --> 00:12:57,845 It's under control. 320 00:12:57,911 --> 00:12:59,112 You can count on me. 321 00:12:59,179 --> 00:13:02,883 Oh, if I could believe even one of those things. 322 00:13:11,524 --> 00:13:13,293 ( pencil sharpener grinding ) 323 00:13:38,585 --> 00:13:40,854 Okay, where can I hang myself? 324 00:13:43,823 --> 00:13:45,325 ( phone ringing ) 325 00:13:47,794 --> 00:13:49,396 Hello? 326 00:13:49,462 --> 00:13:51,531 Oh, hey, Alan... 327 00:13:51,598 --> 00:13:54,434 I said "Dr. Harper's office." 328 00:13:54,501 --> 00:14:01,474 I did. 329 00:14:01,541 --> 00:14:04,411 ( phone ringing ) 330 00:14:04,477 --> 00:14:05,412 Hello? 331 00:14:05,478 --> 00:14:07,047 Damn, try it again. 332 00:14:13,753 --> 00:14:15,322 Are you waiting to see the principal? 333 00:14:15,388 --> 00:14:16,423 Uh, yeah. 334 00:14:16,489 --> 00:14:17,624 Oh, have a seat. 335 00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:19,592 Thank you. 336 00:14:25,398 --> 00:14:27,300 Uh, Alan. 337 00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:27,901 Oh, Mindy. 338 00:14:27,968 --> 00:14:29,302 Nice to meet you. 339 00:14:29,369 --> 00:14:30,603 You, too. 340 00:14:41,314 --> 00:14:42,983 Oh... 341 00:14:43,050 --> 00:14:46,019 um, you must be Boobra's mom... 342 00:14:53,994 --> 00:14:56,496 Barbara's mams... 343 00:15:00,433 --> 00:15:02,069 Hi. 344 00:15:04,037 --> 00:15:05,939 ( door chimes ) 345 00:15:06,006 --> 00:15:07,107 Don't worry, Alan. 346 00:15:07,174 --> 00:15:09,909 I'm not touching the patients. 347 00:15:11,744 --> 00:15:15,115 There are human lives at stake here, man. 348 00:15:15,182 --> 00:15:17,484 I need those spines delivered immediately. 349 00:15:19,619 --> 00:15:20,520 Hello. 350 00:15:20,587 --> 00:15:23,056 Can I give you a complimentary adjustment? 351 00:15:23,123 --> 00:15:25,658 I'm here for the masseuse position. 352 00:15:25,725 --> 00:15:26,759 I see. 353 00:15:26,826 --> 00:15:29,963 Well, I'm really not authorized to do any hiring, 354 00:15:30,030 --> 00:15:33,433 but you're obviously qualified. 355 00:15:35,302 --> 00:15:38,038 So the hell with protocol, welcome aboard. 356 00:15:39,973 --> 00:15:42,042 Let me tell you something. 357 00:15:42,109 --> 00:15:43,910 Puberty is hard enough for a young girl 358 00:15:43,977 --> 00:15:45,445 without having to be leered at 359 00:15:45,512 --> 00:15:48,115 and made fun of by obnoxious little boys. 360 00:15:48,181 --> 00:15:48,948 I couldn't agree with you more. 361 00:15:49,016 --> 00:15:50,317 And I can assure you 362 00:15:50,383 --> 00:15:52,119 that I've had a long talk with Jake 363 00:15:52,185 --> 00:15:54,454 about how wrong it is to objectify women's... 364 00:15:54,521 --> 00:15:56,456 Up here. I'm up here. 365 00:15:57,457 --> 00:15:59,359 I know. I know. 366 00:15:59,426 --> 00:16:00,493 I see you. 367 00:16:00,560 --> 00:16:02,162 A-A-And let me tell you something. 368 00:16:02,229 --> 00:16:04,264 There is no one more sympathetic than I 369 00:16:04,331 --> 00:16:07,600 to the plight of the large-breasted woman. 370 00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:09,869 "Plight"? 371 00:16:09,936 --> 00:16:10,970 It's not an affliction. 372 00:16:11,038 --> 00:16:13,173 Well, no, not the breasts themselves, 373 00:16:13,240 --> 00:16:14,507 but the attendant back problems 374 00:16:14,574 --> 00:16:18,178 associated with carrying the enormous load. 375 00:16:18,245 --> 00:16:22,049 So now my breasts are a "load"? 376 00:16:22,115 --> 00:16:25,152 From a strictly engineering standpoint, yes. 377 00:16:25,218 --> 00:16:26,919 See-see, I am a chiropractor 378 00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:30,357 and I deal with the heartache of MMS all the time. 379 00:16:30,423 --> 00:16:31,258 MMS? 380 00:16:31,324 --> 00:16:34,361 Massive Mammary Syndrome. 381 00:16:34,427 --> 00:16:36,863 It's a term I coined in an article I submitted 382 00:16:36,929 --> 00:16:40,333 to the Journal of the American Chiropractic Association. 383 00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:41,634 It hasn't really caught on. 384 00:16:41,701 --> 00:16:45,272 Anyway, MMS is particularly acute among strippers, 385 00:16:45,338 --> 00:16:46,406 but they bring it on themselves 386 00:16:46,473 --> 00:16:48,241 with those humongous implants. 387 00:16:48,308 --> 00:16:51,844 Yours, on the other hand, appear quite natural. 388 00:16:51,911 --> 00:16:54,514 God-given, am I right? 389 00:16:55,415 --> 00:16:58,751 What the hell is wrong with you? 390 00:17:00,620 --> 00:17:02,455 I don't know. 391 00:17:04,191 --> 00:17:06,259 I was a bottle baby. 392 00:17:15,402 --> 00:17:17,637 I'm sorry, Dr. Harper's not in this morning, 393 00:17:17,704 --> 00:17:19,739 but if your back's really bothering you, 394 00:17:19,806 --> 00:17:21,040 we do have a masseuse on duty. 395 00:17:21,108 --> 00:17:22,409 Fine. Anything. 396 00:17:22,475 --> 00:17:24,777 Well, let's see, she just went in with a patient 397 00:17:24,844 --> 00:17:26,913 about five minutes ago, so if you don't mind waiting. 398 00:17:26,979 --> 00:17:30,883 Thank you, that was great. 399 00:17:30,950 --> 00:17:32,919 Good. Come back soon. 400 00:17:32,985 --> 00:17:33,686 Soon? 401 00:17:33,753 --> 00:17:35,488 I'll be back after lunch. 402 00:17:38,525 --> 00:17:39,692 You next? Oh, please. 403 00:17:39,759 --> 00:17:41,594 Let's go. 404 00:17:43,730 --> 00:17:44,697 What's this? 405 00:17:44,764 --> 00:17:45,832 Your cut. 406 00:17:48,835 --> 00:17:50,803 Click! 407 00:17:52,772 --> 00:17:53,740 I'm really sorry. 408 00:17:53,806 --> 00:17:56,976 Just drop it. 409 00:17:57,043 --> 00:18:01,914 You know, in my defense... well, in defense of all men, 410 00:18:01,981 --> 00:18:04,684 we do live in a mammo-centric society. 411 00:18:04,751 --> 00:18:05,952 Mammo-centric? 412 00:18:06,018 --> 00:18:08,655 Another coinage of mine. 413 00:18:08,721 --> 00:18:12,892 Hasn't really permeated the cultural zeitgeist. 414 00:18:12,959 --> 00:18:13,893 Hey, bottle baby. 415 00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:15,495 I'm up here! 416 00:18:15,562 --> 00:18:18,498 That-that perfectly illustrates my points... 417 00:18:18,565 --> 00:18:19,599 point. 418 00:18:22,001 --> 00:18:23,102 From the moment we are born, 419 00:18:23,170 --> 00:18:25,638 we are basically bombarded by breasts. 420 00:18:25,705 --> 00:18:29,976 Breasts in advertising, breasts in television, breasts in movies. 421 00:18:30,042 --> 00:18:30,943 Here a breast, there a breast, 422 00:18:31,010 --> 00:18:33,713 everywhere a breast, breast... 423 00:18:33,780 --> 00:18:36,115 Heck, you can understand the fixation. 424 00:18:36,183 --> 00:18:39,152 You're a horrible little man. 425 00:18:39,219 --> 00:18:41,821 Okay, okay, I had hoped 426 00:18:41,888 --> 00:18:44,524 that we could have a spirited exchange of ideas here, 427 00:18:44,591 --> 00:18:46,826 but if we're going to just degenerate into name-calling, 428 00:18:46,893 --> 00:18:49,229 perhaps we should wait for the principal to decide 429 00:18:49,296 --> 00:18:51,764 what a reasonable punishment for my son would be. 430 00:18:51,831 --> 00:18:52,732 Fine. 431 00:18:52,799 --> 00:18:55,268 We'll let the principal decide. Okay. 432 00:18:58,438 --> 00:19:01,073 I'm Principal Gallagher. 433 00:19:01,140 --> 00:19:03,676 Oh, God, my boy's gonna get the chair. 434 00:19:10,217 --> 00:19:11,818 Time! 435 00:19:16,223 --> 00:19:18,291 Man, is this day ever gonna end? 436 00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:24,931 Hey, Alan. 437 00:19:28,201 --> 00:19:29,602 What's going on here? 438 00:19:29,669 --> 00:19:32,038 I had another business idea. 439 00:19:32,104 --> 00:19:33,206 You what? 440 00:19:33,273 --> 00:19:34,207 Hear me out. 441 00:19:34,274 --> 00:19:37,244 What do men like better than donuts? 442 00:19:40,547 --> 00:19:41,648 Hang on. 443 00:19:43,983 --> 00:19:45,452 Time! 444 00:19:49,556 --> 00:19:51,258 * Men. 445 00:19:52,692 --> 00:19:56,329 4,200, 4,300, 4,301, 4,302. 446 00:19:56,396 --> 00:19:57,430 I hate singles. 447 00:19:57,497 --> 00:19:59,466 Don't you hate singles? 448 00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:03,202 You turned my business into a brothel! 449 00:20:03,270 --> 00:20:05,171 I thought you'd be proud of me. 450 00:20:05,238 --> 00:20:06,406 I didn't touch a single patient. 451 00:20:06,473 --> 00:20:09,409 I left you alone for a couple of hours 452 00:20:09,476 --> 00:20:12,412 and you turned my business into a brothel! 453 00:20:12,479 --> 00:20:14,314 You know what you need? 454 00:20:14,381 --> 00:20:15,982 A nice, relaxing massage. 455 00:20:16,048 --> 00:20:18,318 Oh, shut up. 456 00:20:18,385 --> 00:20:19,752 There is a happy ending here. 457 00:20:19,819 --> 00:20:22,655 From what I saw, there was, like, 40 of 'em. 458 00:20:23,623 --> 00:20:26,125 And that's just what's on the books. 459 00:20:26,192 --> 00:20:28,495 I don't want to know about it. 460 00:20:28,561 --> 00:20:30,463 I never want to know about it. 461 00:20:30,530 --> 00:20:31,731 Okay, we'll change the subject. 462 00:20:31,798 --> 00:20:32,699 Thank you. 463 00:20:32,765 --> 00:20:34,133 How'd it go at Jake's school? 464 00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:35,802 I don't want to talk about it. 465 00:20:35,868 --> 00:20:37,870 I never want to talk about it. 466 00:20:37,937 --> 00:20:38,938 You screwed up, huh? 467 00:20:39,005 --> 00:20:41,474 In ways you can't imagine. 468 00:20:41,541 --> 00:20:43,242 So he's expelled? 469 00:20:43,310 --> 00:20:45,912 No, he's just suspended for the week. 470 00:20:45,978 --> 00:20:46,979 That's not so bad. 471 00:20:47,046 --> 00:20:48,681 It's already Wednesday. 472 00:20:48,748 --> 00:20:51,484 I, on the other hand, have been asked never to set foot 473 00:20:51,551 --> 00:20:53,786 on the grounds of Woodward Avenue Elementary School again. 474 00:20:53,853 --> 00:20:54,754 No kidding. 475 00:20:54,821 --> 00:20:56,088 And it was strongly suggested 476 00:20:56,155 --> 00:20:57,757 that I resign from the PTA. 477 00:20:57,824 --> 00:20:58,591 Whoa. 478 00:20:58,658 --> 00:21:00,059 And there was talk of a civil suit. 479 00:21:00,126 --> 00:21:02,562 Oh, and Principal Gallagher's lesbian lover 480 00:21:02,629 --> 00:21:04,897 might just drop by tonight to kick my ass. 481 00:21:04,964 --> 00:21:07,199 Remind me to charge the camcorder. 482 00:21:07,266 --> 00:21:08,635 Oh, click! 483 00:21:08,701 --> 00:21:10,570 Another great business idea. 484 00:21:10,637 --> 00:21:11,270 I don't want to hear it. 485 00:21:11,338 --> 00:21:12,439 Just listen. 486 00:21:12,505 --> 00:21:14,807 We put a massage table in the trunk of your car... 487 00:21:14,874 --> 00:21:15,642 Forget it, Charlie. 488 00:21:15,708 --> 00:21:17,276 Actually, we'd probably need a van... 489 00:21:17,344 --> 00:21:18,745 I'm not listening. Oh, come on. 490 00:21:18,811 --> 00:21:20,680 Who needs their tension relieved 491 00:21:20,747 --> 00:21:23,350 more than guys stuck in traffic? 492 00:21:23,416 --> 00:21:24,784 We'll call it... 493 00:21:24,851 --> 00:21:26,653 Bumper to Humper... 494 00:21:27,320 --> 00:21:29,889 Speed Humps... 495 00:21:29,956 --> 00:21:30,957 I got it! 496 00:21:31,023 --> 00:21:31,891 Jiffy Lube. 497 00:21:33,059 --> 00:21:35,027 Oh, wait, somebody already has that.