1
00:00:01,124 --> 00:00:03,613
That was very nice, Mindy.
2
00:00:03,792 --> 00:00:05,119
Okay.
3
00:00:05,293 --> 00:00:07,497
Jake, we're ready to hear your report.
4
00:00:08,835 --> 00:00:12,000
- Jake?
- Just a sec.
5
00:00:12,628 --> 00:00:14,370
Now, Jake.
6
00:00:15,129 --> 00:00:18,875
Okay, I'm finished.
7
00:00:20,506 --> 00:00:24,169
- Does spelling and grammar count?
- It's an oral report, Jake.
8
00:00:24,341 --> 00:00:26,332
Oh, so it's like an oral thermometer.
9
00:00:26,509 --> 00:00:27,836
Right.
10
00:00:28,592 --> 00:00:30,584
Good thing it's not a rectal report.
11
00:00:32,344 --> 00:00:34,833
- Just read it.
- Okay.
12
00:00:35,428 --> 00:00:37,715
"My Weekend, by Jake Harper.
13
00:00:37,888 --> 00:00:39,962
Grade five, Mrs. Flanigan's class.
14
00:00:40,139 --> 00:00:43,137
Woodward Avenue Elementary School,
located on Woodward Avenue."
15
00:00:43,306 --> 00:00:44,717
I'm not counting words.
16
00:00:45,224 --> 00:00:47,548
Oh, good.
17
00:00:51,017 --> 00:00:54,550
"My weekend starts on Friday, when
my mom takes me to my dad's house.
18
00:00:54,728 --> 00:00:56,766
Which is actually
my Uncle Charlie's house.
19
00:00:56,936 --> 00:00:59,058
Who is my dad's brother,
making him my uncle.
20
00:00:59,230 --> 00:01:02,312
His name is Charlie, which is why
I call him my Uncle Charlie."
21
00:01:04,773 --> 00:01:06,563
Anyway...
22
00:01:06,732 --> 00:01:09,566
"Even though my parents are divorced,
they still get along. "
23
00:01:09,733 --> 00:01:10,931
- Hey, buddy.
- Hey, Dad.
24
00:01:11,109 --> 00:01:12,650
- How was your week?
- Just fine.
25
00:01:12,817 --> 00:01:14,145
- Bye, honey.
- Bye, Mom.
26
00:01:14,318 --> 00:01:16,807
- Thanks for bringing him.
- Bite me. What the hell...
27
00:01:16,986 --> 00:01:19,557
...went on last weekend?
- What are you talking about?
28
00:01:19,737 --> 00:01:22,652
When I brought him home Sunday
night and served him dinner...
29
00:01:22,821 --> 00:01:25,525
...he tipped me with a $25 chip
from Caesars Palace...
30
00:01:25,697 --> 00:01:28,531
...and told me I had a nice rack.
31
00:01:29,741 --> 00:01:32,656
Well, Judith...
32
00:01:37,785 --> 00:01:39,658
...you do.
33
00:01:39,828 --> 00:01:41,653
That's not the point.
34
00:01:41,829 --> 00:01:44,661
Where'd he get the chip?
Where is he learning this behavior?
35
00:01:44,830 --> 00:01:46,904
Hey, Judith.
36
00:01:47,706 --> 00:01:49,744
Looking good.
37
00:01:50,332 --> 00:01:53,663
Run away, run away.
38
00:01:53,833 --> 00:01:56,785
Did you give my son a $25 chip?
39
00:01:56,960 --> 00:01:59,531
- No, I did not give him a $25 chip.
- Happy?
40
00:01:59,711 --> 00:02:02,662
He won it, fair and square.
41
00:02:03,337 --> 00:02:05,328
You couldn't run away.
42
00:02:05,504 --> 00:02:07,330
I don't care what you do on weekdays.
43
00:02:07,505 --> 00:02:10,954
But on weekends, remember you are
a role model for an 11 -year-old boy.
44
00:02:11,131 --> 00:02:14,878
Oh, that's a bad idea.
Who thought of that?
45
00:02:15,049 --> 00:02:19,258
I'm warning you. Things had better
change or there will be consequences.
46
00:02:19,426 --> 00:02:21,998
Legal consequences. Got it?
47
00:02:22,594 --> 00:02:24,918
- Got it.
- Goodbye.
48
00:02:29,722 --> 00:02:33,420
"There will be serious consequences.
49
00:02:33,598 --> 00:02:36,632
Legal consequences."
50
00:02:36,808 --> 00:02:40,221
"I don't care what you do
during the week.
51
00:02:41,017 --> 00:02:43,851
But on the weekends,
you're a role model."
52
00:02:45,394 --> 00:02:47,018
I enjoy talking this way.
53
00:02:49,312 --> 00:02:51,304
As do I.
54
00:03:18,198 --> 00:03:19,739
"Friday night, I stayed up late.
55
00:03:19,907 --> 00:03:22,396
I watched all three Austin Power
movies with my dad.
56
00:03:22,575 --> 00:03:24,531
We ate Chinese food
and Buffalo wings.
57
00:03:24,701 --> 00:03:27,071
Dad fell asleep during
The Spy Who Shagged Me...
58
00:03:27,244 --> 00:03:30,326
...which, in my opinion,
is the strongest of the trilogy.
59
00:03:31,329 --> 00:03:33,734
By the way,
'shag' means 'sex' in England."
60
00:03:34,287 --> 00:03:36,078
Just read, Jake.
61
00:03:36,580 --> 00:03:37,908
That was a footnote.
62
00:03:38,456 --> 00:03:41,704
- Read.
- Okay.
63
00:03:41,874 --> 00:03:43,830
"I woke up later with a stomachache...
64
00:03:43,999 --> 00:03:46,619
...but felt better after
I went to the bathroom."
65
00:03:46,793 --> 00:03:48,202
If you know what I mean.
66
00:03:49,877 --> 00:03:51,583
- Jake.
- What? It's not like I said:
67
00:03:51,752 --> 00:03:53,329
"I took a dump."
68
00:03:58,713 --> 00:04:01,666
"Anyway, I tried to go back to sleep
but I couldn 't.
69
00:04:01,840 --> 00:04:03,463
Probably because I was thirsty.
70
00:04:03,632 --> 00:04:07,757
So I went into the kitchen for what
Uncle Charlie calls a 'virgin screwdriver. '
71
00:04:07,925 --> 00:04:10,166
But really it's just a glass
of orange juice.
72
00:04:10,343 --> 00:04:14,089
It was late, so I decided
to skip the glass. "
73
00:04:20,889 --> 00:04:22,512
Jake?
74
00:04:23,640 --> 00:04:25,761
Hang on.
75
00:04:28,683 --> 00:04:30,057
That one hurt a little.
76
00:04:30,975 --> 00:04:33,299
- What you doing?
- Having a virgin screwdriver.
77
00:04:33,477 --> 00:04:36,180
- Want some?
- No, thanks. I'm good.
78
00:04:37,228 --> 00:04:40,346
- What are you doing?
- Watching TV.
79
00:04:41,063 --> 00:04:42,970
Why isn't it on?
80
00:04:43,688 --> 00:04:45,680
Because I've seen this one already.
81
00:04:47,315 --> 00:04:49,520
- Hey, you wanna hear a funny joke?
- Sure.
82
00:04:49,691 --> 00:04:51,765
Why did the blond stare
at the juice carton?
83
00:04:51,942 --> 00:04:52,972
I don't know. Why?
84
00:04:53,151 --> 00:04:55,355
"Cause the carton said
'concentrate.'"
85
00:04:59,403 --> 00:05:01,229
That's okay. I didn't get it either.
86
00:05:02,404 --> 00:05:04,774
"The next morning
I was pretty hungry because..."
87
00:05:05,363 --> 00:05:06,738
I think you all know why.
88
00:05:10,407 --> 00:05:13,940
"So I had a bowl of cereal with my dad,
and we made plans for the day. "
89
00:05:15,075 --> 00:05:18,074
- You wanna go to the museum?
- No. I wanna watch TV.
90
00:05:18,785 --> 00:05:21,025
It's pretty windy out there.
Wanna fly a kite?
91
00:05:21,203 --> 00:05:23,241
No. I wanna watch TV.
92
00:05:24,496 --> 00:05:26,203
- Hiking?
- TV.
93
00:05:39,167 --> 00:05:40,661
- I'll get it.
- TV.
94
00:05:43,711 --> 00:05:45,619
"We decided to watch TV."
95
00:05:48,213 --> 00:05:50,998
- Hello.
- Is your name Harper?
96
00:05:51,173 --> 00:05:54,041
- Yes.
- Then this is for you.
97
00:05:57,925 --> 00:06:01,374
- Why'd you do that?
- Why did you sleep with my wife?
98
00:06:03,469 --> 00:06:05,709
Charlie.
99
00:06:10,430 --> 00:06:11,804
Busy.
100
00:06:11,972 --> 00:06:14,971
I don't care. Open the door.
101
00:06:16,849 --> 00:06:18,887
- I've got company.
- I know.
102
00:06:19,058 --> 00:06:21,132
And her husband's downstairs.
103
00:06:21,809 --> 00:06:23,765
Really?
104
00:06:23,935 --> 00:06:25,641
- You're married?
- Yeah.
105
00:06:29,187 --> 00:06:31,179
I'm not in.
106
00:06:31,897 --> 00:06:33,639
You have to come and deal with him.
107
00:06:33,855 --> 00:06:35,397
- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.
108
00:06:35,606 --> 00:06:37,099
I disagree.
109
00:06:37,273 --> 00:06:39,514
It's not up for debate.
He knows you're here.
110
00:06:40,357 --> 00:06:42,266
Oh, man, I hate when this happens.
111
00:06:43,151 --> 00:06:44,525
This happens a lot?
112
00:06:44,693 --> 00:06:46,767
Not a lot, but enough to be a drag.
113
00:06:48,736 --> 00:06:51,060
Charlie, are you coming back to bed?
114
00:06:51,612 --> 00:06:53,105
- Yes.
- Yes? No "yes."
115
00:06:53,279 --> 00:06:55,437
There is an angry husband
in your living room.
116
00:06:55,613 --> 00:06:57,439
How angry?
117
00:06:57,614 --> 00:06:59,570
- Is he packing?
- What?
118
00:06:59,740 --> 00:07:01,861
- Does he have a weapon?
- l... He has a stick.
119
00:07:02,408 --> 00:07:04,944
That's not good.
I could lose an eye.
120
00:07:05,117 --> 00:07:07,322
- Charlie! Come on.
- Fine, I'll wrap it up here.
121
00:07:07,493 --> 00:07:09,568
- Give me 20 minutes.
- Oh, no.
122
00:07:09,743 --> 00:07:11,237
A better idea. Wrap it up now.
123
00:07:13,078 --> 00:07:14,571
- Ten minutes?
- Now.
124
00:07:16,788 --> 00:07:19,360
We got five minutes.
125
00:07:20,415 --> 00:07:24,113
"The weekend was going great, but then
something really bad happened. "
126
00:07:24,290 --> 00:07:26,827
- Hey.
- Hello.
127
00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:29,750
- Who are you?
- I'm Norman.
128
00:07:29,918 --> 00:07:33,367
I'm Jake.
Have you seen my Game Boy?
129
00:07:33,544 --> 00:07:36,378
No. Have you seen my wife?
130
00:07:37,338 --> 00:07:39,874
No. Well, if you see it, let me know.
131
00:07:40,046 --> 00:07:41,374
Ditto.
132
00:07:44,215 --> 00:07:45,543
"I couldn 't believe it.
133
00:07:46,133 --> 00:07:47,543
I lost my Game Boy."
134
00:07:54,344 --> 00:07:57,260
"I couldn't find my Game Boy
in the kitchen or living room...
135
00:07:57,428 --> 00:07:59,503
...so I checked my bedroom
and my bathroom.
136
00:07:59,679 --> 00:08:03,924
Because, as you may recall, I'd spent
a lot of time in there the night before."
137
00:08:11,100 --> 00:08:14,265
- He'll be right down.
- Thank you.
138
00:08:22,146 --> 00:08:24,185
Can I get you a cup of coffee?
139
00:08:25,231 --> 00:08:27,802
Decaf. I'm already pretty enraged.
140
00:08:30,357 --> 00:08:33,191
Well, that's certainly understandable.
141
00:08:35,401 --> 00:08:37,060
I have cookies too.
142
00:08:38,652 --> 00:08:42,861
- I wouldn't say no to a cookie.
- Good. Come on in the kitchen.
143
00:08:43,029 --> 00:08:46,194
I always find a nice cookie
can brighten up even the darkest day.
144
00:08:46,363 --> 00:08:48,935
Yeah, well, this better be
one hell of a cookie.
145
00:08:50,532 --> 00:08:53,103
- It's a nice house you got here.
- Oh, thank you.
146
00:08:53,283 --> 00:08:54,610
Actually, it belongs to my...
147
00:08:56,659 --> 00:08:58,697
You live in the neighborhood?
148
00:09:00,661 --> 00:09:03,328
- Bel-Air.
- Oh, that's nice too.
149
00:09:03,495 --> 00:09:06,578
Gated community,
but the wife gets out anyway.
150
00:09:09,956 --> 00:09:11,449
Chews through her leash, huh?
151
00:09:14,249 --> 00:09:16,572
Hey, let me get you that cookie.
152
00:09:16,750 --> 00:09:20,033
You see like a nice fella.
I'm sorry I hit you with my stick.
153
00:09:20,210 --> 00:09:22,497
Oh, that's okay.
I'm sorry my brother is...
154
00:09:24,378 --> 00:09:26,784
That's okay.
155
00:09:26,962 --> 00:09:29,119
So women, huh?
156
00:09:29,630 --> 00:09:31,420
Can't live with them.
157
00:09:34,423 --> 00:09:36,249
That's all I got.
158
00:09:36,424 --> 00:09:38,416
- You married?
- Divorced.
159
00:09:38,591 --> 00:09:41,793
- She sleep around?
- No, mostly just slept.
160
00:09:43,385 --> 00:09:44,712
You're lucky.
161
00:09:44,885 --> 00:09:48,797
There's no pain greater than being
betrayed by the woman you love.
162
00:09:48,970 --> 00:09:52,135
You know, these are really very tasty.
163
00:09:52,847 --> 00:09:54,471
Aren't they?
164
00:09:54,639 --> 00:09:58,136
- Good morning.
- Oh, speaking of tasty cookies...
165
00:09:58,307 --> 00:10:00,844
...Norman, this is Berta.
166
00:10:01,017 --> 00:10:03,506
- Hello.
- What is this, a fix-up?
167
00:10:06,602 --> 00:10:08,889
No, no. Nothing like that.
168
00:10:09,061 --> 00:10:11,099
That's good,
because I'd probably kill him.
169
00:10:14,939 --> 00:10:18,056
Nothing personal, Cotton Top.
I just kind of like it rough.
170
00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:26,933
- Have another cookie.
- Thank you.
171
00:10:27,109 --> 00:10:29,563
So is anybody gonna tell me
what's going on?
172
00:10:29,736 --> 00:10:31,727
Well, it's a little complicated.
173
00:10:31,903 --> 00:10:33,895
- Charlie...
- Got it.
174
00:10:35,196 --> 00:10:36,606
Got it? How could you get it?
175
00:10:37,489 --> 00:10:40,191
There's a Rolls-Royce in the driveway...
176
00:10:40,365 --> 00:10:43,897
...and I found these
hanging on the mailbox...
177
00:10:44,074 --> 00:10:47,239
...so I'm guessing that your brother's
got some bimbo upstairs...
178
00:10:47,409 --> 00:10:49,863
...and Norman here is her daddy
or her sugar daddy.
179
00:10:50,952 --> 00:10:53,073
- Tell me I'm wrong.
- I'm the husband.
180
00:10:53,245 --> 00:10:54,702
Judges?
181
00:10:57,538 --> 00:11:01,402
- You gotta give it to her.
- Yes.
182
00:11:01,581 --> 00:11:03,905
- I mean, tough break.
- Thank you.
183
00:11:04,082 --> 00:11:06,121
- You got a gun?
- No!
184
00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:07,994
- Want one?
- Berta!
185
00:11:09,918 --> 00:11:11,494
I'm making small talk.
186
00:11:13,794 --> 00:11:15,121
Okay.
187
00:11:15,294 --> 00:11:17,618
You wanna talk this out like gentlemen,
or you...?
188
00:11:20,755 --> 00:11:22,995
You might've mentioned
he fought at the Alamo.
189
00:11:26,673 --> 00:11:29,590
- No offense.
- None taken.
190
00:11:32,218 --> 00:11:34,458
- Does that make us even?
- You tell me.
191
00:11:35,636 --> 00:11:37,259
Okay. One more.
192
00:11:40,971 --> 00:11:42,298
How about that?
193
00:11:42,472 --> 00:11:45,969
- He poked you, you poked his...
- Berta!
194
00:11:47,056 --> 00:11:49,890
What? How often do you see
that kind of symmetry in life?
195
00:11:59,978 --> 00:12:01,306
Hey.
196
00:12:02,646 --> 00:12:03,973
Hello.
197
00:12:04,146 --> 00:12:06,054
Were you just up in
Uncle Charlie's room?
198
00:12:06,230 --> 00:12:08,221
- Yeah.
- Did you see my Game Boy?
199
00:12:08,398 --> 00:12:09,428
No.
200
00:12:09,607 --> 00:12:11,598
- Did you see my husband?
- The old guy?
201
00:12:11,774 --> 00:12:13,433
- Yeah.
- He's in the kitchen.
202
00:12:13,608 --> 00:12:16,311
Thanks.
203
00:12:18,276 --> 00:12:20,233
Well, that's weird.
204
00:12:20,402 --> 00:12:22,608
If I was a Game Boy,
where would I be?
205
00:12:24,446 --> 00:12:28,144
I am so sorry.
I had no idea that she was married.
206
00:12:28,322 --> 00:12:31,523
I have a firm rule when it comes
to sleeping with married women.
207
00:12:31,699 --> 00:12:34,614
Yeah, if she's firm enough,
he'll do her.
208
00:12:39,410 --> 00:12:41,696
Sorry. Isn't there something
you could clean?
209
00:12:41,869 --> 00:12:45,034
I'm guessing you could
use a good scrubbing.
210
00:12:47,163 --> 00:12:49,154
Wait a minute.
211
00:12:50,455 --> 00:12:53,538
"And suddenly I realized...
212
00:12:53,707 --> 00:12:56,279
...I might have left it
in my mom's car."
213
00:12:56,457 --> 00:12:59,622
Hey, Mom, did I leave
my Game Boy in your car?
214
00:12:59,792 --> 00:13:01,618
Well, can you go look?
215
00:13:01,793 --> 00:13:03,950
Can't you just dry off
and put on a robe?
216
00:13:04,419 --> 00:13:06,707
There's another $25 chip in it for you.
217
00:13:09,212 --> 00:13:12,128
She wasn't wearing a ring.
There was no mention of a husband.
218
00:13:12,297 --> 00:13:14,252
Is that supposed to cheer me up?
219
00:13:14,423 --> 00:13:18,003
- No, no, no. I just wanted you to know...
- Now, now. I get it.
220
00:13:18,174 --> 00:13:21,790
You're a nice guy,
and I married a skeevy tramp.
221
00:13:21,967 --> 00:13:25,132
No, no, no.
I mean, yeah, I am a nice guy...
222
00:13:25,301 --> 00:13:27,377
...but I'm sure Annette
is a lovely woman.
223
00:13:27,552 --> 00:13:29,793
Her name is Natalie.
224
00:13:30,387 --> 00:13:34,085
- Really? You sure?
- Yes, I'm sure.
225
00:13:34,264 --> 00:13:37,216
Because I've been yelling
"Annette" all night.
226
00:13:37,389 --> 00:13:40,175
Her name is Natalie.
227
00:13:40,349 --> 00:13:43,182
Well, then maybe this is all
just a huge misunderstanding...
228
00:13:43,351 --> 00:13:46,384
...and I've been upstairs
doing someone else's wife.
229
00:13:46,560 --> 00:13:51,136
Five-foot six, long brown hair,
butterfly tattoo on her left hip.
230
00:13:51,728 --> 00:13:53,968
Left hip, huh?
231
00:14:00,565 --> 00:14:03,814
Hold on now.
A lot of women have butterfly tattoos.
232
00:14:05,108 --> 00:14:09,103
But the one I slept with also had a little
beauty mark in a certain intimate place.
233
00:14:09,277 --> 00:14:11,268
I'm not here to claim a lost wallet.
234
00:14:13,654 --> 00:14:17,649
Okay, let's just assume it's her.
Again, I am really sorry.
235
00:14:17,821 --> 00:14:20,571
It's my own fault anyway.
236
00:14:20,739 --> 00:14:22,980
I should've realized
back when I married her...
237
00:14:23,156 --> 00:14:26,109
...a man my age couldn't satisfy
a woman that young.
238
00:14:26,283 --> 00:14:29,864
If it makes you feel any better,
I couldn't ring her bell, either.
239
00:14:30,035 --> 00:14:32,489
- You couldn't?
- You don't know me...
240
00:14:32,660 --> 00:14:34,568
...but there's things I don't kid about.
241
00:14:35,495 --> 00:14:37,984
So it's not just me.
242
00:14:38,162 --> 00:14:39,536
- That's a relief.
- Tell me...
243
00:14:39,705 --> 00:14:41,697
...about it.
I was killing myself up there.
244
00:14:42,873 --> 00:14:44,200
So anyway...
245
00:14:44,373 --> 00:14:45,701
...are we okay?
246
00:14:45,873 --> 00:14:48,873
You mean, aside from the fact
that you just rolled off my wife?
247
00:14:49,041 --> 00:14:51,791
Oh, yeah. We're aces.
248
00:14:53,293 --> 00:14:55,699
Good. Thank you.
249
00:14:56,044 --> 00:14:59,458
- Can I give you a little advice, kid?
- Sure.
250
00:14:59,629 --> 00:15:01,952
I was a player once, like you.
251
00:15:02,130 --> 00:15:04,335
Do tell.
252
00:15:04,505 --> 00:15:08,453
Does the name Tuesday Weld
mean anything to you?
253
00:15:09,633 --> 00:15:11,423
No.
254
00:15:12,009 --> 00:15:13,751
Joey Heatherton?
255
00:15:13,925 --> 00:15:15,468
No.
256
00:15:16,385 --> 00:15:19,468
The immortal Miss Anne Francis.
257
00:15:21,513 --> 00:15:23,633
TV's Honey West.
258
00:15:25,555 --> 00:15:28,389
- Sorry.
- Well, look them up on your Internet.
259
00:15:28,556 --> 00:15:31,129
They were all hot, and I nailed them.
260
00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:36,683
Really. Well, kudos.
261
00:15:38,019 --> 00:15:40,057
But nothing lasts forever.
262
00:15:40,227 --> 00:15:43,594
There's going to come a time
when you'll wanna settle down.
263
00:15:43,770 --> 00:15:46,438
And I only hope you don't make
the same mistake I did.
264
00:15:46,605 --> 00:15:48,063
I picked a young hottie...
265
00:15:48,231 --> 00:15:51,847
...because I figured I'd die in the sack
with a smile on my face.
266
00:15:52,357 --> 00:15:54,976
That's my retirement plan.
267
00:15:55,150 --> 00:15:57,438
But it doesn't work that way.
268
00:15:57,609 --> 00:16:00,181
What happens is...
269
00:16:00,902 --> 00:16:03,059
...you get your heart broken...
270
00:16:03,236 --> 00:16:05,643
...and you wind up having
coffee with some putz...
271
00:16:05,820 --> 00:16:07,777
...who never heard of Honey West.
272
00:16:10,364 --> 00:16:11,988
Got it.
273
00:16:12,156 --> 00:16:13,566
Thanks for the advice.
274
00:16:14,198 --> 00:16:15,822
Well, I'll be getting home now.
275
00:16:15,991 --> 00:16:19,405
I got lawyers to call, locks to change.
276
00:16:19,576 --> 00:16:22,610
Maybe I'll stop at the market,
pick up some of those cookies.
277
00:16:22,785 --> 00:16:25,701
- Here. Take the box.
- Oh, thanks.
278
00:16:25,869 --> 00:16:28,822
Looks like I'm the big winner
around here today.
279
00:16:33,623 --> 00:16:37,488
- Hello? Anybody home?
- Hello.
280
00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:41,371
- Hello. Who are you?
- Norman.
281
00:16:41,542 --> 00:16:43,913
Oh, hello, Norman. I'm Evelyn.
282
00:16:44,627 --> 00:16:47,199
Is that your magnificent Rolls-Royce
out in the drive?
283
00:16:47,377 --> 00:16:48,919
Why, yes, it is.
284
00:16:49,087 --> 00:16:51,244
- Are you a friend of Charlie's?
- No.
285
00:16:51,421 --> 00:16:53,662
But my wife is.
286
00:16:54,547 --> 00:16:58,045
Did my son polish your trophy wife?
287
00:17:00,466 --> 00:17:02,623
Well, you seem
like a very intelligent man.
288
00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:04,792
I assume you had an airtight prenup.
289
00:17:04,967 --> 00:17:06,295
Bulletproof.
290
00:17:06,468 --> 00:17:08,176
You know what, Norman?
291
00:17:08,344 --> 00:17:11,379
You look a lot like my fifth husband.
292
00:17:11,554 --> 00:17:15,002
Really?
How many times you been married?
293
00:17:15,180 --> 00:17:17,254
Four.
294
00:17:19,723 --> 00:17:22,047
Cookie?
295
00:17:22,224 --> 00:17:25,425
"When Grandma came over,
I thought things couldn't get any worse.
296
00:17:25,601 --> 00:17:27,259
But instead of making me visit...
297
00:17:27,435 --> 00:17:30,848
...she gave my dad money to take me,
my uncle and Berta to the movies.
298
00:17:31,311 --> 00:17:34,144
We saw the Rob Schneider movie
where he plays a stupid guy.
299
00:17:34,312 --> 00:17:37,311
I had popcorn, nachos
and two jumbo red Slurpees.
300
00:17:37,480 --> 00:17:40,265
But as you know,
you don't buy Slurpees. You rent them."
301
00:17:44,774 --> 00:17:47,524
- Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up.
- Cool your jets.
302
00:17:47,693 --> 00:17:50,561
And if you can't cool them,
point the nozzle away from me.
303
00:17:52,819 --> 00:17:54,526
Oh, God. Mom!
304
00:17:55,571 --> 00:17:57,277
- We can't go in right now.
- Why not?
305
00:17:57,446 --> 00:18:01,062
Because I can't afford to send you
to therapy for the rest of your life.
306
00:18:01,239 --> 00:18:03,526
What's going on?
307
00:18:03,698 --> 00:18:07,195
- Oh, God!
- What? What, what, what?
308
00:18:07,366 --> 00:18:11,196
Good for Norman.
That's getting right back on the horse.
309
00:18:11,368 --> 00:18:14,450
- There's a horse in there?
- No, no. No horse.
310
00:18:14,619 --> 00:18:17,903
- Well, I still have to pee.
- So go water that bush over there.
311
00:18:18,078 --> 00:18:20,200
"And so I did.
And it just goes to show...
312
00:18:20,788 --> 00:18:23,029
...it's always
in the last place you look."
313
00:18:23,539 --> 00:18:25,246
Very nice, Jake.
314
00:18:25,415 --> 00:18:27,739
"Then on Sunday,
we all went out for breakfast...
315
00:18:27,916 --> 00:18:29,492
...with Grandma and Uncle Norman.
316
00:18:29,667 --> 00:18:33,282
I had chocolate-chip pancakes
with blueberry syrup and bacon.
317
00:18:33,460 --> 00:18:36,412
Dad had scrambled eggs
but with no yolks. Just the whites.
318
00:18:36,585 --> 00:18:38,541
They looked like mashed potatoes.
319
00:18:38,711 --> 00:18:43,251
Then the kid next to us threw up
his waffles. It was awesome."
320
00:18:44,463 --> 00:18:47,379
- So, what's new in school?
- Almost got an A on my paper.
321
00:18:47,923 --> 00:18:49,417
What do you mean "almost"?
322
00:18:49,924 --> 00:18:51,631
Got a C.
323
00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:56,707
Okay, that's... That's fine.
That's an improvement.
324
00:18:57,135 --> 00:18:59,209
Minus.
325
00:18:59,386 --> 00:19:01,045
Still, here's your dollar.
326
00:19:02,803 --> 00:19:04,879
You're paying him for a C-minus?
327
00:19:05,054 --> 00:19:08,635
That was our deal. A buck for every C,
a car for every A.
328
00:19:10,015 --> 00:19:12,339
- A car?
- Safest bet in the world.
329
00:19:13,808 --> 00:19:17,257
- So, what was the report about?
- What we did last weekend.
330
00:19:21,394 --> 00:19:24,144
- No kidding?
- Yeah. And guess what else happened.
331
00:19:24,312 --> 00:19:27,430
Trevor Griffin saw a ginormous rat
in the cafeteria.
332
00:19:27,605 --> 00:19:30,390
Yeah, but about the paper.
333
00:19:30,565 --> 00:19:33,682
You wrote about everything
that happened here last weekend?
334
00:19:34,650 --> 00:19:37,352
Well, everything but the boring stuff.
335
00:19:37,526 --> 00:19:40,015
Oh, this could be problematic.
336
00:19:40,193 --> 00:19:42,682
No, it's called "summarizing."
337
00:19:47,654 --> 00:19:49,645
- Can I see it?
- Sure.
338
00:19:49,822 --> 00:19:53,899
But it's at Mom's house.
I gave it to her to read this weekend.
339
00:19:56,699 --> 00:19:59,023
He's 11.
There's no way it stands up in court.
340
00:20:02,743 --> 00:20:05,363
Does this smell funny to you?