1 00:00:03,166 --> 00:00:06,832 - You got a date tonight? - No. 2 00:00:09,091 --> 00:00:11,464 Aren't you gonna ask me if I do? 3 00:00:12,554 --> 00:00:14,962 Okay. You got a date tonight? 4 00:00:15,141 --> 00:00:17,467 Sure, rub my nose in it. 5 00:00:19,856 --> 00:00:22,182 Besides, I'd rather hang out with you and Jake... 6 00:00:22,359 --> 00:00:25,527 ...than engage in mindless conversation with some strange woman... 7 00:00:25,697 --> 00:00:28,403 ...in the desperate hope that she might sleep with me. 8 00:00:30,746 --> 00:00:32,490 Me too. 9 00:00:33,124 --> 00:00:36,043 If we can't lie to each other, who can we lie to? 10 00:00:36,212 --> 00:00:38,454 To family. 11 00:00:44,306 --> 00:00:45,931 - Who is it? - It's Mom. 12 00:00:46,100 --> 00:00:47,643 Oh, odds. 13 00:00:47,811 --> 00:00:50,648 - Once, twice, three, shoot. - Once, twice, three, shoot. 14 00:00:52,025 --> 00:00:53,686 Hey, Mom. 15 00:00:53,861 --> 00:00:55,605 No, I don't have a date tonight. 16 00:00:55,780 --> 00:00:57,857 Don't you wanna know about Alan? 17 00:01:01,329 --> 00:01:02,955 So, what's up? 18 00:01:03,124 --> 00:01:04,916 Yes, I got your message. 19 00:01:05,085 --> 00:01:06,745 I was gonna call you back, but... 20 00:01:07,547 --> 00:01:09,456 I was. 21 00:01:09,632 --> 00:01:11,258 I was. 22 00:01:11,427 --> 00:01:13,337 I was. 23 00:01:13,931 --> 00:01:15,473 Okay, I wasn't. 24 00:01:17,393 --> 00:01:18,937 I'm sorry. 25 00:01:19,105 --> 00:01:21,596 And do you wanna tell me why you called? 26 00:01:21,775 --> 00:01:23,981 I said, I'm sorry. 27 00:01:24,152 --> 00:01:28,615 I am sorry. I am. I am. 28 00:01:28,784 --> 00:01:31,241 All right, I'm not. 29 00:01:31,455 --> 00:01:34,410 So, what's up? Tomorrow? 30 00:01:34,584 --> 00:01:37,705 Yeah, sure. One of us will be here. 31 00:01:41,803 --> 00:01:43,629 I'll be here. 32 00:01:44,556 --> 00:01:47,047 All right, gotta go. Love you. 33 00:01:47,226 --> 00:01:49,634 No, I'm not just saying that. 34 00:01:49,813 --> 00:01:51,356 I'm not. 35 00:01:51,524 --> 00:01:53,018 No, I'm not. 36 00:01:53,819 --> 00:01:56,572 Mom, we both know where this going. 37 00:01:58,491 --> 00:02:00,568 - Sorry to stick you with her. - Yeah, sure. 38 00:02:00,745 --> 00:02:02,074 - I am. - Right. 39 00:02:02,247 --> 00:02:03,623 - I am. - Whatever. 40 00:02:03,832 --> 00:02:06,289 Okay, I'm not. 41 00:02:06,503 --> 00:02:07,962 Schmuck. 42 00:02:08,130 --> 00:02:13,340 For 30 years, every time I call odds, he throws a two, and I'm the schmuck. 43 00:02:13,972 --> 00:02:15,134 - Hey, buddy. - Hey, Dad. 44 00:02:15,348 --> 00:02:18,433 - Here's the bill for Jake's class trip. - Why give it to me? 45 00:02:18,644 --> 00:02:20,602 - So you can pay it. - Me? 46 00:02:20,772 --> 00:02:22,766 What's the point of giving child support... 47 00:02:22,942 --> 00:02:24,603 ...if you don't support the child? 48 00:02:24,820 --> 00:02:26,694 Child support doesn't cover class trips. 49 00:02:26,906 --> 00:02:28,983 - Says who? - You wanna make an issue of this? 50 00:02:29,159 --> 00:02:32,576 Have your lawyer call mine. They can decide who pays for class trips. 51 00:02:32,789 --> 00:02:35,495 Oh, I'm sorry. Class trips? 52 00:02:35,668 --> 00:02:38,504 I'm happy to pay for class trips. 53 00:02:38,672 --> 00:02:42,541 I thought you said "ass clips." 54 00:02:42,761 --> 00:02:44,256 What are ass clips? 55 00:02:44,471 --> 00:02:47,010 I don't know, but I don't intend to pay for them. 56 00:02:47,225 --> 00:02:49,183 Goodbye, Alan. 57 00:02:50,689 --> 00:02:54,439 At least we settled who pays for ass clips around here. 58 00:02:54,653 --> 00:02:56,445 Okay, Mom. Good talking to you. 59 00:02:56,614 --> 00:02:58,073 I'm gonna hang up now. 60 00:02:58,241 --> 00:03:00,199 Yes, I am. 61 00:03:00,911 --> 00:03:02,869 I am. 62 00:03:03,498 --> 00:03:05,990 Okay, I'm not. 63 00:03:14,764 --> 00:03:17,469 - Jake's here. - Cool. 64 00:03:17,643 --> 00:03:20,135 It wouldn't kill you to talk to Mom once in a while. 65 00:03:20,355 --> 00:03:22,894 We don't know that. 66 00:03:23,067 --> 00:03:26,768 - Besides, you lost fair and square. - I don't think so. 67 00:03:26,947 --> 00:03:31,278 - I think you cheated. - At odds and evens? 68 00:03:31,453 --> 00:03:34,408 How on earth does one cheat at odds and evens? 69 00:03:34,624 --> 00:03:39,502 Don't give me that big, cow-eyed, aw-shucks, Howdy Doody veneer. 70 00:03:40,299 --> 00:03:43,336 - What? - You heard me. 71 00:03:43,553 --> 00:03:45,179 Yeah, I heard you... 72 00:03:45,348 --> 00:03:48,101 ...and as long as we're stringing random words together... 73 00:03:48,268 --> 00:03:49,893 ...shoebox, MoonPie, Band-Aid. 74 00:03:50,689 --> 00:03:54,438 Let me tell you something, Alan, and I say this with no agenda. 75 00:03:54,610 --> 00:03:58,859 I am not a judgmental person, but you, you are a horrible little man. 76 00:04:00,660 --> 00:04:02,986 You smile, tell everybody what they wanna hear... 77 00:04:03,164 --> 00:04:06,035 ...but I know what goes on inside your grinning puppet head. 78 00:04:06,752 --> 00:04:09,707 You don't have a clue what's going on inside my puppet head... 79 00:04:09,881 --> 00:04:12,717 ...because to know that, you would have to be capable of... 80 00:04:12,885 --> 00:04:16,885 ...perceiving the world that exists beyond the tip of your penis. 81 00:04:17,100 --> 00:04:20,386 Don't talk about my penis. You have not earned the right. 82 00:04:21,480 --> 00:04:23,688 You are a selfish man, Charlie. You're a user. 83 00:04:23,859 --> 00:04:27,193 You just suckle from the teat of life and you never give back. 84 00:04:27,406 --> 00:04:29,944 "Suckle from the teat of life"? 85 00:04:30,117 --> 00:04:32,656 Who are you, Henry Wadsworth Pinhead? 86 00:04:32,871 --> 00:04:35,541 - You call me that because I'm right. - I call you that... 87 00:04:35,708 --> 00:04:37,666 ...because you can wear a thimble as a hat. 88 00:04:38,379 --> 00:04:40,337 Hey, what's going on? 89 00:04:40,715 --> 00:04:43,634 - Nothing. - Just hanging out. 90 00:04:43,803 --> 00:04:45,298 Cool. 91 00:05:07,210 --> 00:05:09,085 You know, if you guys were queer... 92 00:05:09,255 --> 00:05:12,376 ...we'd be what they'd call an alternated family. 93 00:05:24,443 --> 00:05:27,611 - Morning. - Morning. 94 00:05:29,282 --> 00:05:30,861 I feel bad about last night. 95 00:05:31,369 --> 00:05:34,454 That's okay. I forgive you. 96 00:05:35,124 --> 00:05:36,702 I didn't apologize. 97 00:05:36,877 --> 00:05:40,163 Well, then I guess I'm just a bigger man than you are. 98 00:05:40,965 --> 00:05:42,425 I'm kidding. Forget about it. 99 00:05:43,594 --> 00:05:45,386 Okay. 100 00:05:45,555 --> 00:05:48,890 - What do you wanna do with Jake? - I don't know. How about a barbecue? 101 00:05:49,060 --> 00:05:53,688 Well, I'm sure the kid's delicious, but I think I'd rather have hamburgers. 102 00:05:54,442 --> 00:05:56,436 Dad, check it out. Mom bought me new shoes. 103 00:05:56,612 --> 00:05:59,650 - Very cool. - Yeah, they were really expensive. 104 00:05:59,867 --> 00:06:02,904 - I'll bet. - She said to give you the bill. 105 00:06:04,415 --> 00:06:06,075 What? Why do I get the bill? 106 00:06:06,292 --> 00:06:08,369 So you can give me a check to pay her back. 107 00:06:08,795 --> 00:06:11,370 - Why? - She doesn't trust me with cash. 108 00:06:13,719 --> 00:06:16,342 No. Why should I be buying your shoes? 109 00:06:16,556 --> 00:06:18,846 You didn't. Mom did. 110 00:06:23,023 --> 00:06:26,144 This is so wrong. I send her a child support check every month... 111 00:06:26,319 --> 00:06:30,236 ...which is supposed to include things like clothing, food, shoes. 112 00:06:30,409 --> 00:06:34,906 Alan, you're like an Alzheimer's victim in a whorehouse. 113 00:06:37,460 --> 00:06:38,789 Excuse me? 114 00:06:39,004 --> 00:06:42,920 You're constantly surprised that you've been screwed... 115 00:06:46,764 --> 00:06:48,722 ...and you don't wanna pay for it. 116 00:06:55,568 --> 00:06:57,645 - Morning. - Morning. 117 00:06:57,821 --> 00:07:00,360 Did you drop off the dry cleaning by the back door? 118 00:07:00,575 --> 00:07:01,904 That was dry cleaning? 119 00:07:02,078 --> 00:07:04,830 I thought you were throwing that stuff out. 120 00:07:05,040 --> 00:07:06,203 You threw out my clothes? 121 00:07:06,625 --> 00:07:09,295 I gave them to my sister's husband, Earl. 122 00:07:09,879 --> 00:07:13,962 You gave three cashmere sweaters and a new sport coat to your brother-in-law? 123 00:07:14,177 --> 00:07:17,096 Why shouldn't he have nice things? 124 00:07:18,516 --> 00:07:21,091 He's paid his debt to society. 125 00:07:21,312 --> 00:07:22,641 You have to get them back. 126 00:07:22,856 --> 00:07:25,229 I wish I could, but Earl's got one withered arm... 127 00:07:25,401 --> 00:07:27,478 ...and he had all the left sleeves hemmed. 128 00:07:28,113 --> 00:07:30,023 Those were expensive clothes, Berta. 129 00:07:30,242 --> 00:07:32,068 Wanna take it out in trade, stud? 130 00:07:34,038 --> 00:07:37,289 Because this back brace snaps off with the flick of a wrist. 131 00:07:40,213 --> 00:07:42,207 Okay, okay, that's the last straw. 132 00:07:42,383 --> 00:07:46,168 You have abused my good nature for too long, and I am putting my foot down. 133 00:07:46,930 --> 00:07:49,968 Well, you let me know how that works out for you. 134 00:07:54,191 --> 00:07:56,268 I guess we know who's in charge around here. 135 00:07:56,820 --> 00:07:59,027 If I want your opinion, I'll ask your ex-wife. 136 00:08:02,286 --> 00:08:04,956 Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? Well, if I want your opinion... 137 00:08:05,123 --> 00:08:09,169 ...I'll ask one of the dozens of women you have meaningless casual sex with. 138 00:08:09,378 --> 00:08:11,419 Oh, ouch. 139 00:08:12,758 --> 00:08:15,047 - Hey, Uncle Charlie? - What? 140 00:08:15,637 --> 00:08:17,963 - I love you. - What did you do, Jake? 141 00:08:18,642 --> 00:08:19,970 I love you too, Dad. 142 00:08:20,185 --> 00:08:22,392 - What did he do? - How am I supposed to know? 143 00:08:22,605 --> 00:08:24,314 Well, he's your knuckleheaded son. 144 00:08:24,483 --> 00:08:27,687 He's my knuckleheaded son now, but when you're trawling for tail... 145 00:08:27,863 --> 00:08:30,568 ...at The Home Depot, he's your slow but adorable nephew. 146 00:08:30,783 --> 00:08:33,821 I might as well get one perk out of having you sponge off me. 147 00:08:33,996 --> 00:08:36,666 - Sponge? Sponge? - Oh, that's a good idea. 148 00:08:36,875 --> 00:08:38,417 Well, let me tell you something. 149 00:08:38,586 --> 00:08:40,709 Take away your fancy house, your fancy car... 150 00:08:40,880 --> 00:08:42,589 ...your women, and what have you got? 151 00:08:42,800 --> 00:08:44,592 A better-Iooking version of you. 152 00:08:44,803 --> 00:08:46,842 Have I mentioned how much I hate you? 153 00:08:47,013 --> 00:08:48,924 Have I mentioned how much I hate you? 154 00:08:49,141 --> 00:08:50,850 - Don't copy me. - Don't copy me. 155 00:08:51,019 --> 00:08:52,679 - You're an idiot. - You're an idiot. 156 00:08:52,856 --> 00:08:55,976 - I'm warning you, Charlie. - I'm warning you, Charlie. 157 00:08:58,112 --> 00:09:00,569 How childish. 158 00:09:06,415 --> 00:09:08,623 Would you mind toasting my buns, please? 159 00:09:09,795 --> 00:09:11,290 To your buns. 160 00:09:13,133 --> 00:09:15,506 You sicken me. 161 00:09:17,472 --> 00:09:19,015 Hey. 162 00:09:19,183 --> 00:09:20,975 - Hey, Rose. - What's going on? 163 00:09:21,185 --> 00:09:23,096 Just making lunch. 164 00:09:26,485 --> 00:09:29,902 - Wanna join us? - Maybe some other time. 165 00:09:34,246 --> 00:09:37,995 A little garlic butter is also a good way to jazz up a hamburger bun. 166 00:09:38,209 --> 00:09:40,119 He's lucky all I'm doing is spitting. 167 00:09:41,213 --> 00:09:45,711 It doesn't take a master's in behavioral psychology, which I happen to have... 168 00:09:45,887 --> 00:09:49,422 ...to see that you and you brother have unresolved fraternal conflicts. 169 00:09:49,641 --> 00:09:51,267 Gee, you think? 170 00:09:52,395 --> 00:09:54,555 I think it might be therapeutic for you two... 171 00:09:54,732 --> 00:09:57,438 ...to sit down with someone and explore those conflicts. 172 00:09:57,653 --> 00:09:59,942 - You mean you? - Well, I could refer you... 173 00:10:00,114 --> 00:10:03,900 ...to the woman I talk to, but she doesn't exist. 174 00:10:04,078 --> 00:10:05,822 So, yeah. Me. 175 00:10:06,039 --> 00:10:09,623 Let's see. Couples counseling for me and Alan with you as the therapist. 176 00:10:09,836 --> 00:10:12,375 Why don't we just drop acid, run out into the ocean... 177 00:10:12,548 --> 00:10:14,458 ...and pretend we're dolphins? 178 00:10:15,302 --> 00:10:17,675 You're exhibiting a lot of hostility, Charlie. 179 00:10:17,847 --> 00:10:19,924 You know what we psychologists call that? 180 00:10:20,100 --> 00:10:21,809 - What? - Hostility. 181 00:10:21,978 --> 00:10:24,850 Why would we need more than one word for it? 182 00:10:26,567 --> 00:10:30,567 Rose, I appreciate your concern, but Alan and I don't need therapy. 183 00:10:30,782 --> 00:10:33,357 Everything will work itself out. 184 00:10:45,093 --> 00:10:47,846 I'm just saying, I think it would really help you guys... 185 00:10:48,014 --> 00:10:51,182 ...if you could sit down and share your feelings. 186 00:10:56,109 --> 00:10:57,437 We're fine, Rose. 187 00:10:59,697 --> 00:11:02,450 - Choke on it, princess. - Bite me, bitch. 188 00:11:12,422 --> 00:11:14,297 I think he may have anticipated that. 189 00:11:47,179 --> 00:11:49,552 - How Freudian. - It's not Freudian. 190 00:11:52,227 --> 00:11:54,221 But mine's bigger. 191 00:11:55,148 --> 00:11:58,566 It's a banana, you moron. 192 00:11:59,029 --> 00:12:01,865 It's not just about you and Charlie, you know. 193 00:12:02,033 --> 00:12:04,406 There's that innocent little moppet to consider. 194 00:12:04,620 --> 00:12:05,995 Moppet? 195 00:12:10,420 --> 00:12:13,872 I'm baking air biscuits. Get them while they're hot. 196 00:12:14,758 --> 00:12:16,586 He may not be able to process it now... 197 00:12:16,761 --> 00:12:19,598 ...but he picks up on all the negative emotion around here. 198 00:12:20,016 --> 00:12:22,934 Save yourselves, run for your lives! 199 00:12:24,606 --> 00:12:27,276 Okay, well, if you can get Charlie to agree, I'll do it. 200 00:12:27,652 --> 00:12:29,443 - Good. - And as a rule... 201 00:12:29,654 --> 00:12:32,110 ...when says they're bad, take his word for it. 202 00:12:33,118 --> 00:12:36,535 Oh, please, Alan. I grew up with two older brothers and... 203 00:12:36,706 --> 00:12:39,079 Oh, my God! 204 00:12:42,756 --> 00:12:45,461 The only reason I let him live here is because of Jake. 205 00:12:45,635 --> 00:12:46,963 Go on. 206 00:12:47,137 --> 00:12:49,462 He was a pain in the ass when we were kids... 207 00:12:49,640 --> 00:12:53,307 ...and now he's blossomed into a three-fingered prostate exam. 208 00:12:54,146 --> 00:12:57,682 Have you considered the possibility that since you're the older brother... 209 00:12:57,859 --> 00:12:59,770 ...you harbor resentment towards him... 210 00:12:59,946 --> 00:13:01,987 ...for usurping Mommy's love and attention? 211 00:13:02,199 --> 00:13:03,907 I'm sorry, have you met my mother? 212 00:13:04,578 --> 00:13:06,654 Okay, so that's a no. 213 00:13:07,415 --> 00:13:09,408 Please don't try to psychoanalyze me. 214 00:13:09,626 --> 00:13:12,961 Oh, Charlie. Psychoanalysis takes years. 215 00:13:13,131 --> 00:13:15,420 I'm just messing around inside your head. 216 00:13:17,345 --> 00:13:19,635 Have you ever considered the possibility... 217 00:13:19,807 --> 00:13:22,762 ...that you are the primary male role model in Alan's life? 218 00:13:22,978 --> 00:13:26,099 And if his behavior is making you mad, he learned it from you. 219 00:13:26,274 --> 00:13:29,976 So, in fact, you are making you mad. 220 00:13:30,739 --> 00:13:32,233 That's nuts. 221 00:13:32,449 --> 00:13:36,069 Just sit with it for a moment. I think it's a pretty good insight. 222 00:13:38,040 --> 00:13:40,532 No, I'm gonna stick with nuts. 223 00:13:41,086 --> 00:13:42,830 And I don't wanna continue this. 224 00:13:43,047 --> 00:13:45,621 Do you feel you can't be totally honest with me... 225 00:13:45,843 --> 00:13:47,552 ...since we slept together? - No. 226 00:13:47,762 --> 00:13:49,506 Why can't you be totally honest? 227 00:13:49,723 --> 00:13:52,428 - I can be totally honest with you. - Really? 228 00:13:52,601 --> 00:13:54,560 How much did you like having sex with me? 229 00:13:55,565 --> 00:13:57,604 Let's go talk to Alan. 230 00:14:00,071 --> 00:14:02,859 And they wouldn't give me a license. 231 00:14:05,328 --> 00:14:08,532 All right. Let the healing begin, you pinhead. 232 00:14:08,749 --> 00:14:11,324 Can we refrain from counterproductive name-calling? 233 00:14:12,087 --> 00:14:14,626 Such big words from such a little head. 234 00:14:15,843 --> 00:14:17,503 Charlie, please sit down. 235 00:14:20,015 --> 00:14:22,305 Okay. Here are the ground rules. 236 00:14:22,477 --> 00:14:25,348 There will be no name-calling and no interrupting. 237 00:14:25,522 --> 00:14:29,272 The purpose of this is to air our feelings without judgment. 238 00:14:29,444 --> 00:14:31,652 - Alan, why don't you start? - Why does he start? 239 00:14:31,864 --> 00:14:33,241 - Would you like to start? - No. 240 00:14:33,408 --> 00:14:35,152 Then shut up. 241 00:14:36,371 --> 00:14:38,245 Alan, you'll go first. 242 00:14:38,416 --> 00:14:42,580 And begin with the phrase, "I feel Charlie is 'blank.'" 243 00:14:43,338 --> 00:14:45,628 I don't think I can top that. 244 00:14:50,015 --> 00:14:55,093 Okay, I feel like Charlie is... 245 00:14:55,648 --> 00:14:57,356 ...ashamed to have me as a brother. 246 00:14:58,150 --> 00:15:00,310 Well, there you go. Are we done? 247 00:15:00,904 --> 00:15:03,028 Charlie, you'll get your turn. 248 00:15:03,199 --> 00:15:05,489 When was the first time you felt that way, Alan? 249 00:15:06,412 --> 00:15:08,204 I guess on the playground. 250 00:15:08,373 --> 00:15:10,865 The first day of kindergarten, he told his friends... 251 00:15:11,044 --> 00:15:13,796 ...that I was a shaved monkey our mom won in a poker game. 252 00:15:17,052 --> 00:15:20,920 Charlie, why do you think you might have said something like that? 253 00:15:22,309 --> 00:15:26,355 Well, I guess deep down... 254 00:15:26,523 --> 00:15:29,644 ...I always wanted a shaved monkey. 255 00:15:30,696 --> 00:15:32,605 You promised Mom you would look after me. 256 00:15:32,949 --> 00:15:35,655 I was 7 years old. You can't trust a 7-year-old. 257 00:15:35,870 --> 00:15:39,121 You know how he looks after me? He gave me wedgies. 258 00:15:39,291 --> 00:15:41,415 From kindergarten on, I got daily wedgies. 259 00:15:41,586 --> 00:15:45,288 My butt cheeks didn't unclench until my second year of college. 260 00:15:45,925 --> 00:15:48,381 At which point, a long stick slid out. 261 00:15:51,850 --> 00:15:53,393 Let's try a little role-playing. 262 00:15:53,602 --> 00:15:57,435 He put dog poop in my Mork and Mindy lunchbox. 263 00:15:58,108 --> 00:16:00,565 Oh, will you please let that go? 264 00:16:01,197 --> 00:16:03,236 And by the way, if you think it through... 265 00:16:03,407 --> 00:16:05,484 ...we didn't have a dog. - What? 266 00:16:05,660 --> 00:16:07,950 Mom told me to make you lunch, I made you lunch. 267 00:16:08,748 --> 00:16:10,291 Oh, my God! Do you see... 268 00:16:10,459 --> 00:16:13,129 ...what I have been dealing with my entire life? 269 00:16:13,296 --> 00:16:17,129 The real genius was putting it in a hot-dog bun. 270 00:16:17,719 --> 00:16:19,546 All through the second grade... 271 00:16:19,722 --> 00:16:22,427 ...he would introduce me as his ugly sister, Alana? 272 00:16:23,393 --> 00:16:27,345 That's because all through second grade, you wore culottes. 273 00:16:27,941 --> 00:16:30,896 They were extra roomy Bermuda shorts. I was prone to chafing. 274 00:16:33,658 --> 00:16:38,285 Charlie, how did you feel when you were calling Alan a monkey or a girl... 275 00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:40,621 ...or putting excrement in his lunchbox? 276 00:16:41,627 --> 00:16:43,750 It's hard to describe. 277 00:16:43,921 --> 00:16:47,090 It was kind of a warm, satisfied feeling. 278 00:16:47,927 --> 00:16:49,802 And why do you think you felt that way? 279 00:16:50,765 --> 00:16:52,259 Because he was such a smartass. 280 00:16:52,433 --> 00:16:56,267 Straight A's, Mommy's favorite, Daddy's boy, stepdaddy's boy. 281 00:16:56,439 --> 00:16:58,314 Somebody had to take him down a peg. 282 00:16:58,859 --> 00:17:01,565 - You were jealous of me. - No, no. 283 00:17:01,738 --> 00:17:03,446 - I was annoyed. - I don't believe it. 284 00:17:03,615 --> 00:17:05,656 - You were jealous. - No, I wasn't. 285 00:17:05,868 --> 00:17:08,407 - Sounds like you were, Charlie. - You can't take sides. 286 00:17:08,581 --> 00:17:10,373 - That's unprofessional. - Professional? 287 00:17:10,542 --> 00:17:12,701 I'm just making this up as I go along. 288 00:17:13,963 --> 00:17:15,506 I'm drawing kitty-cats here. 289 00:17:18,177 --> 00:17:20,336 All these years, you had to put me down... 290 00:17:20,514 --> 00:17:23,350 ...because you secretly believed that I was better than you. 291 00:17:23,559 --> 00:17:25,352 No, that's ridiculous. 292 00:17:25,562 --> 00:17:28,185 I knew I was better, but I didn't think you knew. 293 00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:31,521 No, no, I didn't know that. There was nothing to know. 294 00:17:31,737 --> 00:17:34,656 I don't buy it. You were an emotionally wounded child. 295 00:17:34,867 --> 00:17:37,275 I wasn't wounded. I was the wounder. 296 00:17:37,454 --> 00:17:39,364 He was the woundee. 297 00:17:39,540 --> 00:17:42,328 I was a mean, rotten brother. You've gotta believe me. 298 00:17:42,502 --> 00:17:44,046 I tortured him. 299 00:17:44,255 --> 00:17:47,091 Once, I convinced him the clothes dryer was a time machine. 300 00:17:47,259 --> 00:17:49,751 When he got out, I was dressed in Pilgrim clothes... 301 00:17:49,930 --> 00:17:52,718 ...and threatened to burn him as a witch. 302 00:17:54,310 --> 00:17:58,143 And now I understand why you did all those things. 303 00:17:58,316 --> 00:18:01,188 - And I forgive you. - Don't forgive me. 304 00:18:01,362 --> 00:18:04,068 Hate me. Fear me. 305 00:18:04,742 --> 00:18:06,402 - Come here. - No. 306 00:18:06,619 --> 00:18:09,241 - Come on. Give me a hug. - No, forget it. 307 00:18:09,414 --> 00:18:12,250 - Would you rather hug me? - What would be the point of that? 308 00:18:12,711 --> 00:18:14,918 It gets me hot. 309 00:18:15,715 --> 00:18:18,254 All right, if it'll put an end to all this, one hug. 310 00:18:23,350 --> 00:18:24,680 Hey, what are you doing? 311 00:18:24,894 --> 00:18:29,439 Let's see how you like a wedgie. Where's your underwear? 312 00:18:29,650 --> 00:18:32,938 I'm not wearing any, but thanks for scratching my ass. 313 00:18:40,958 --> 00:18:44,329 - This turned out to be a nice weekend. - Yeah. Go figure. 314 00:18:44,505 --> 00:18:46,663 Who would've thought Rose would be right? 315 00:18:46,883 --> 00:18:48,627 Certainly not Rose. 316 00:18:48,844 --> 00:18:51,252 She was right. We had a lot of baggage to clear up. 317 00:18:51,472 --> 00:18:54,391 - Yeah, and I'm glad we talked it out. - Me too. 318 00:18:54,560 --> 00:18:58,726 You know, when all is said and done, all we have in this world is each other. 319 00:18:59,609 --> 00:19:02,979 You, me and that methane cloud you call a son. 320 00:19:08,705 --> 00:19:10,497 - It's Mom. - Odds. 321 00:19:10,666 --> 00:19:12,992 That's okay. I got this one. 322 00:19:13,169 --> 00:19:15,744 - Thank you. - Hey, Mom. 323 00:19:15,923 --> 00:19:18,165 Oh, that's Judith. 324 00:19:18,343 --> 00:19:22,389 No, I'm just sitting here, enjoying the sunset with my favorite brother. 325 00:19:22,557 --> 00:19:24,302 Alan. 326 00:19:25,686 --> 00:19:29,733 I'm not lying. I'm not. I'm not. 327 00:19:29,901 --> 00:19:31,360 Okay, I am. 328 00:19:31,569 --> 00:19:34,525 Jake, your mom's here. 329 00:19:34,740 --> 00:19:38,157 - Hey, Judith, how's it going? - I just had a flat tire on the freeway... 330 00:19:38,329 --> 00:19:41,331 ...and called AAA, only to find out I no longer have AAA... 331 00:19:41,500 --> 00:19:44,835 ...because you no longer pay my dues. - Excuse me, but we're divorced. 332 00:19:45,005 --> 00:19:47,129 - You pay that out of your alimony. - No. 333 00:19:47,300 --> 00:19:50,219 Because you didn't, I had to stand on the side of the road... 334 00:19:50,387 --> 00:19:53,343 ...until a creepy man stopped and offered to change my tire... 335 00:19:53,517 --> 00:19:54,975 ...if I'd show him my breasts. 336 00:19:55,185 --> 00:19:58,473 Well, there you go. I paid for your breasts. 337 00:19:58,691 --> 00:20:01,183 Okay, fine. We'll let our attorneys figure out... 338 00:20:01,403 --> 00:20:03,728 ...who pays for roadside service. - No attorneys. 339 00:20:03,906 --> 00:20:05,614 - I'm happy to pay for it. - Thank you. 340 00:20:05,783 --> 00:20:09,783 - Was that so hard? - No. No, not hard at all. 341 00:20:09,998 --> 00:20:12,406 - Bye, Dad. - Bye, buddy. 342 00:20:15,631 --> 00:20:17,208 In fact, it was easy. 343 00:20:17,383 --> 00:20:21,217 All I had to do was bend over and unclench. 344 00:20:22,557 --> 00:20:23,933 Okay, I said it. 345 00:20:24,101 --> 00:20:26,509 Mom, you just said I said it. 346 00:20:44,838 --> 00:20:48,005 - Have fun at school. - All right. 347 00:20:48,175 --> 00:20:50,252 Charlie, wait up. 348 00:20:50,429 --> 00:20:52,755 - Did you make Alan's lunch? - Yep. 349 00:20:52,932 --> 00:20:55,008 Hey, wait. You forgot to kiss me goodbye. 350 00:20:55,184 --> 00:20:57,143 - No, I didn't. - Yes, you did. 351 00:20:57,313 --> 00:20:59,390 - I didn't. - Yes, you did. 352 00:20:59,566 --> 00:21:03,814 - Okay, I did. - Charlie, wait up.