1
00:00:02,082 --> 00:00:05,745
<i>Some side effects include headaches,
blurred vision, and high blood pressure.</i>

2
00:00:05,916 --> 00:00:08,407
<i>Ask your doctor if it's right for you.</i>

3
00:00:08,584 --> 00:00:10,374
- Dad?
- Yeah?

4
00:00:10,543 --> 00:00:13,791
Do you suffer
from erectile dysfunction?

5
00:00:16,461 --> 00:00:18,369
Well, Alan? Do you?

6
00:00:20,213 --> 00:00:24,871
Jake, wh... What do you know
about erectile dysfunction?

7
00:00:25,089 --> 00:00:27,329
It's something to do
with your penis, right?

8
00:00:27,548 --> 00:00:29,919
- Right.
- And they say one out of three guys...

9
00:00:30,091 --> 00:00:33,671
...gets it, and mine's fine,
so it's gotta be one of you.

10
00:00:36,217 --> 00:00:38,504
- I'm fine.
- Not me, l...

11
00:00:38,968 --> 00:00:41,042
So, what are the pills for?

12
00:00:41,218 --> 00:00:45,048
Well, what they do, Jake, is that
they... They dilate the blood vessels...

13
00:00:45,220 --> 00:00:49,049
...which allows more blood
to easily flow to certain...

14
00:00:49,262 --> 00:00:51,006
They're boner pills, Jake.

15
00:00:53,597 --> 00:00:55,838
To get them,
or to make them go away?

16
00:00:56,015 --> 00:00:57,721
To get them. Go get ready for bed.

17
00:00:57,931 --> 00:01:00,718
What's the point?
They're not good for anything.

18
00:01:03,935 --> 00:01:05,558
You ever try any of those drugs?

19
00:01:05,768 --> 00:01:08,803
Once or twice.
Out of curiosity, not necessity.

20
00:01:09,727 --> 00:01:11,766
- What did you think?
- Not my thing.

21
00:01:11,936 --> 00:01:16,180
It's like corking the bat.
You?

22
00:01:16,355 --> 00:01:21,143
Yeah, that's what my ex-wife wanted.
More sex with me that lasted longer.

23
00:01:24,815 --> 00:01:29,723
Hello. Oh, hey, Eric. Hiya.
What's happening, boyfriend?

24
00:01:29,942 --> 00:01:33,474
Oh, you're terrible. Do you kiss
your mother with that mouth?

25
00:01:33,652 --> 00:01:37,693
So, what's up? Saturday?
Let me check my book.

26
00:01:40,153 --> 00:01:43,152
Saturday is marvelous.

27
00:01:43,488 --> 00:01:48,360
How dressy? Eveningwear,
or California casual?

28
00:01:48,655 --> 00:01:52,188
Oh, goody. An excuse to shop.
Like I need one.

29
00:01:52,365 --> 00:01:55,566
Okey-dokey, artichokey. Ciao for now.

30
00:02:00,575 --> 00:02:02,651
- What?
- Something you wanna tell me?

31
00:02:03,035 --> 00:02:06,319
That? Oh, that's Eric.
He's the head of a big ad agency.

32
00:02:06,494 --> 00:02:09,742
- Throws a lot of jingle work my way.
- He wouldn't be gay, would he?

33
00:02:09,955 --> 00:02:12,621
What difference does it make?
A person's sexuality...

34
00:02:12,788 --> 00:02:16,119
...is a personal thing. It has no
relevance in the business world.

35
00:02:16,290 --> 00:02:19,288
- But he is gay.
- Oh, yeah.

36
00:02:19,749 --> 00:02:22,831
You know, it's okay
to call them queer again.

37
00:02:23,500 --> 00:02:25,574
Good to know. Good to know.

38
00:02:25,750 --> 00:02:29,875
Would it fair to assume that
you've led him to believe that...

39
00:02:30,043 --> 00:02:32,082
...you are of a similar persuasion?

40
00:02:32,294 --> 00:02:36,751
Not deliberately.
I kind of sort of backed into it.

41
00:02:36,962 --> 00:02:40,625
- Excuse me?
- Okay. Poor choice of words.

42
00:02:41,588 --> 00:02:46,082
When we first met, I found myself falling
into his... What do you call it?

43
00:02:46,298 --> 00:02:47,673
Futon?

44
00:02:47,841 --> 00:02:50,460
No, no, his manner
of expressing himself.

45
00:02:50,632 --> 00:02:53,004
Tone, gestures.
Like talking to a Southerner...

46
00:02:53,176 --> 00:02:57,550
...you start saying "y'all" and
"grits" and "tobaccy."

47
00:02:57,718 --> 00:02:59,591
- Oh, Charlie.
- It's harmless.

48
00:02:59,760 --> 00:03:02,593
He throws me work. I want
him to feel comfortable with me.

49
00:03:02,928 --> 00:03:06,425
And how far do you go to
make him feel comfortable?

50
00:03:06,638 --> 00:03:10,585
Don't worry. I just sparkle a little bit.
I don't burst into flames.

51
00:03:12,056 --> 00:03:16,799
- I don't know how you live with yourself.
- Actually, I don't live with myself.

52
00:03:17,016 --> 00:03:19,137
I have a significant other.

53
00:03:20,266 --> 00:03:21,594
- What?
- We're both invited...

54
00:03:21,768 --> 00:03:23,758
...to a cocktail party Saturday night.

55
00:03:25,102 --> 00:03:26,643
What?

56
00:03:34,438 --> 00:03:36,642
- No. Absolutely not.
- Oh, come on.

57
00:03:36,813 --> 00:03:38,804
You always complain
we don't hang out.

58
00:03:39,023 --> 00:03:42,021
I didn't mean I wanted to date you.

59
00:03:42,232 --> 00:03:45,515
You don't think I'm gonna go to a gay
cocktail party stag, do you?

60
00:03:45,691 --> 00:03:47,101
The way I sparkle?

61
00:03:47,317 --> 00:03:50,399
I'm not going to be your gay lover
so you can make a few bucks.

62
00:03:50,609 --> 00:03:54,058
Okay, first of all, it's considerably
more than a few bucks.

63
00:03:54,277 --> 00:03:57,441
This man was responsible for almost
half my income last year.

64
00:03:57,611 --> 00:04:00,610
And that's the half
I didn't gamble away.

65
00:04:00,779 --> 00:04:02,936
And second of all,
you're not just my lover...

66
00:04:03,113 --> 00:04:05,897
...you're my life partner.
That makes you special.

67
00:04:06,114 --> 00:04:09,527
Forget it. It's immoral and deceitful,
and I don't want any part of it.

68
00:04:09,699 --> 00:04:12,402
What's the big deal?
Gay people pretend to be straight.

69
00:04:12,616 --> 00:04:14,322
They don't wanna be discriminated.

70
00:04:14,532 --> 00:04:18,658
And neither do I. The minute this guy
finds out I'm a breeder, I'm history.

71
00:04:19,325 --> 00:04:22,740
I don't care. If you wanna engage
in a fraudulent escapade...

72
00:04:22,952 --> 00:04:25,655
...have one of your oafish poker
buddies be your partner.

73
00:04:25,869 --> 00:04:29,367
You see? You see? Right there.
Escapade. Oafish.

74
00:04:29,537 --> 00:04:32,407
What poker buddy
of mine talks like that?

75
00:04:32,581 --> 00:04:35,698
But you, a couple of squirts of
Paco Rabanne, you're good to go.

76
00:04:36,374 --> 00:04:38,578
Having a reasonable
command of English...

77
00:04:38,748 --> 00:04:41,155
...isn't the exclusive domain
of the gay community.

78
00:04:41,333 --> 00:04:44,285
Listen to you.
You're just making my point.

79
00:04:44,458 --> 00:04:46,948
Forget it. You're asking too much.

80
00:04:47,126 --> 00:04:49,284
Oh, really?

81
00:04:49,460 --> 00:04:54,084
Was it too much when you showed
up on my doorstep, looking for a place?

82
00:04:54,254 --> 00:04:56,043
- Charlie.
- Too much when I took in...

83
00:04:56,212 --> 00:04:59,081
...your son on weekends and holidays?
- This isn't fair.

84
00:04:59,296 --> 00:05:01,703
Too much when
I set up a college fund for Jake?

85
00:05:01,922 --> 00:05:04,874
- You set up a college fund for Jake?
- You bet I will.

86
00:05:05,715 --> 00:05:08,832
Unless, of course, my income
were to suddenly decline.

87
00:05:09,049 --> 00:05:11,290
I can't believe you would sink so low.

88
00:05:11,467 --> 00:05:14,004
To actually use emotional
and financial blackmail...

89
00:05:14,218 --> 00:05:15,628
- You're both in my will.
- Really?

90
00:05:15,843 --> 00:05:17,301
First thing Monday.

91
00:05:19,761 --> 00:05:21,835
All right. But I want it on the record...

92
00:05:22,011 --> 00:05:24,086
...I'm doing this under protest.
- Noted.

93
00:05:24,263 --> 00:05:26,503
If we're gonna be a couple,
I'm the husband.

94
00:05:27,263 --> 00:05:29,384
Well, who's gonna believe
you're the husband?

95
00:05:29,597 --> 00:05:32,265
Of the two of us, I'm the
only one who's been a husband.

96
00:05:32,473 --> 00:05:35,425
You really thought you were
the husband in your marriage?

97
00:05:37,433 --> 00:05:43,015
Nevertheless, I'm going to be
the husband in this one.

98
00:05:46,227 --> 00:05:48,219
Well, la-di-da.

99
00:05:51,312 --> 00:05:53,517
- Thanks for babysitting, Rose.
- My pleasure.

100
00:05:53,688 --> 00:05:55,394
Where are you guys going?

101
00:05:55,563 --> 00:05:57,187
To a little party.

102
00:05:57,605 --> 00:06:00,226
And you're taking Alan
instead of a date?

103
00:06:00,399 --> 00:06:03,017
Yeah, well, funny story about that.

104
00:06:03,357 --> 00:06:05,894
Okay, let's get this over with.

105
00:06:07,858 --> 00:06:09,518
You're wearing that?

106
00:06:09,693 --> 00:06:11,980
What's wrong with it?
You liked it in the store.

107
00:06:12,193 --> 00:06:13,852
It looked different in the store.

108
00:06:15,236 --> 00:06:17,808
Well, it was on sale. I can't return it.

109
00:06:18,570 --> 00:06:21,653
- Dad, can we order pizza for dinner?
- No. Eat something healthy.

110
00:06:21,821 --> 00:06:23,528
You want me to change, just tell me.

111
00:06:23,739 --> 00:06:25,363
- Don't change.
- You don't like it.

112
00:06:25,573 --> 00:06:27,694
I didn't say that.

113
00:06:27,906 --> 00:06:29,566
I think you look very nice, Alan.

114
00:06:29,783 --> 00:06:32,697
Thank you. See?
That's all I needed to hear.

115
00:06:32,908 --> 00:06:36,440
- Well, you heard it. Now, come on.
- You know, I'm only doing this for you.

116
00:06:36,618 --> 00:06:38,823
- I know.
- Could you show a little appreciation?

117
00:06:38,993 --> 00:06:41,280
How about I show you a little
smack on the head?

118
00:06:41,452 --> 00:06:44,404
That's your answer
for everything, isn't it?

119
00:06:45,328 --> 00:06:46,656
What is that about?

120
00:06:46,830 --> 00:06:50,410
I don't know, but one of them
suffers from erectile dysfunction.

121
00:06:52,164 --> 00:06:54,488
Dad said we could order a pizza.

122
00:06:57,081 --> 00:07:01,540
Would you please not walk so far in
front of me? I'm not your concubine.

123
00:07:01,708 --> 00:07:03,037
I'm sorry.

124
00:07:03,251 --> 00:07:05,325
What, are you ashamed of me?

125
00:07:06,376 --> 00:07:07,704
A little bit.

126
00:07:14,670 --> 00:07:17,586
Oh, boy. Charlie, we need to talk.

127
00:07:17,797 --> 00:07:20,250
For the last time, you look stunning.

128
00:07:20,465 --> 00:07:22,621
No, we... We need
to get our stories straight.

129
00:07:22,798 --> 00:07:24,457
- What stories?
- We're a couple.

130
00:07:24,633 --> 00:07:26,956
How long have we been together?
How did we meet?

131
00:07:27,174 --> 00:07:30,624
Okay, fine. I met you in Thailand
and bought you from a guy.

132
00:07:31,425 --> 00:07:35,041
I'm serious. If we're gonna pull this off,
we need to be convincing.

133
00:07:35,218 --> 00:07:37,376
A favorite song?
Cute names for each other?

134
00:07:37,552 --> 00:07:40,587
I mean, I don't even know if
we're dog people or cat people.

135
00:07:40,803 --> 00:07:45,179
I forgot to tell you: The guy I bought you
from had your vocal chords removed.

136
00:07:45,638 --> 00:07:50,380
- Charlie. I'm so glad you could make it.
- Oh, please. How could I not?

137
00:07:50,599 --> 00:07:53,088
And you must be Alan. Welcome.

138
00:07:53,267 --> 00:07:55,257
I'm the husband.

139
00:07:55,849 --> 00:07:58,719
No, he's not. Stop saying that.

140
00:07:58,892 --> 00:08:02,424
Listen to you two ladies.
Come on. I'll get you a drink.

141
00:08:02,602 --> 00:08:04,261
Appletinis.

142
00:08:04,477 --> 00:08:06,469
So how did you lovebirds meet?

143
00:08:11,979 --> 00:08:14,599
Funny you should ask.
We were at the Coffee Bean...

144
00:08:14,772 --> 00:08:19,894
...you know, the one in Larchmont
Village, where the pastries are to die for.

145
00:08:20,065 --> 00:08:23,479
Anyway, we both
ordered a soy latte...

146
00:08:23,650 --> 00:08:29,600
...when the first one came up, we both
reached for it, and our hands touched.

147
00:08:30,527 --> 00:08:32,684
Oh, that is so romantic.

148
00:08:32,903 --> 00:08:36,151
Yeah, it was one of those moments
that seems to go on forever.

149
00:08:36,320 --> 00:08:37,896
Like this one.

150
00:08:38,113 --> 00:08:40,400
- Are you starting?
- No.

151
00:08:40,613 --> 00:08:43,980
Because I swear to God, I will walk
out that door and get in a cab.

152
00:08:45,740 --> 00:08:48,857
- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry, what?

153
00:08:49,241 --> 00:08:51,564
I'm sorry...

154
00:08:51,742 --> 00:08:53,649
...pookie.

155
00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:55,694
Finish your story, Alan.

156
00:08:56,035 --> 00:08:59,614
Well, okay. So... So there we are...

157
00:08:59,786 --> 00:09:04,989
...our hands are touching, and we
look into each other's eyes...

158
00:09:05,163 --> 00:09:08,743
...this one panics, spills coffee
over one of his hideous bowling shirts.

159
00:09:08,956 --> 00:09:12,654
The only gay man in America
who dresses like Ralph Kramden.

160
00:09:13,415 --> 00:09:15,406
To the moon, Alan.

161
00:09:15,582 --> 00:09:20,489
Anyhoo, so I took him back to my
condo to "hand wash his shirt"...

162
00:09:20,666 --> 00:09:22,908
...and, abracadabra,
hocus-pocus, here we are.

163
00:09:23,126 --> 00:09:26,789
- That's a delicious story.
- Yeah, isn't it yummy?

164
00:09:28,669 --> 00:09:35,414
Yeah, it kills me every time.

165
00:09:40,047 --> 00:09:42,715
There's someone you just
have to meet. Don't go away.

166
00:09:42,883 --> 00:09:45,039
Okey-dokey, artichokey.

167
00:09:46,134 --> 00:09:49,464
You've gotta pull back a little.
You're gonna set off the smoke alarm.

168
00:09:49,675 --> 00:09:52,165
- What do you mean?
- I mean, if you flame any more...

169
00:09:52,343 --> 00:09:54,168
...you'll light the drapes on fire.

170
00:09:54,386 --> 00:09:56,590
What about you?
"Okey-dokey, artichokey"?

171
00:09:56,761 --> 00:09:59,298
What are you, the Jolly Gay Giant?

172
00:09:59,470 --> 00:10:03,631
I want you both to meet someone
very special to me. Charlie, Alan...

173
00:10:03,805 --> 00:10:07,088
...this is my very patient
and very forgiving ex-wife, Pamela.

174
00:10:07,307 --> 00:10:09,297
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

175
00:10:09,515 --> 00:10:11,590
Hi. Wow, you were married?

176
00:10:11,808 --> 00:10:14,094
It was before I'd gotten
a grip on my sexuality.

177
00:10:14,308 --> 00:10:16,928
But not before you got
a grip on my cousin Walt.

178
00:10:18,684 --> 00:10:20,842
Well, I can see why you
gave marriage a shot.

179
00:10:21,018 --> 00:10:23,591
Pamela, you are a
breathtakingly beautiful woman.

180
00:10:23,811 --> 00:10:25,554
Why, thank you, Charlie.

181
00:10:25,728 --> 00:10:28,976
Why do all the cute ones
have to be married or gay?

182
00:10:29,146 --> 00:10:32,560
Back off, sister. I caught this fish.

183
00:10:38,482 --> 00:10:43,390
- Gonna tell me what's bothering you?
- lf you don't know, no point discussing.

184
00:10:43,608 --> 00:10:45,150
Fine.

185
00:10:46,693 --> 00:10:48,352
You ignored me the whole night.

186
00:10:50,194 --> 00:10:52,944
A party where I don't know anyone,
and you abandoned me.

187
00:10:53,154 --> 00:10:55,724
Alan, listen closely.

188
00:10:55,904 --> 00:10:58,572
It wasn't a real date.

189
00:10:59,697 --> 00:11:02,103
Not the point. I was stuck
playing truth or dare...

190
00:11:02,282 --> 00:11:05,315
<i>...with your friend Eric and nine
producers from Will & Grace...</i>

191
00:11:05,490 --> 00:11:08,524
...while you had a wonderful
time talking to his hot ex-wife.

192
00:11:08,741 --> 00:11:10,816
- I was just being polite.
- Oh, please.

193
00:11:10,992 --> 00:11:14,524
- I saw the way you were looking at her.
- What, I can't look?

194
00:11:14,744 --> 00:11:17,030
Not when you're supposed
to be with me.

195
00:11:17,243 --> 00:11:19,318
How many appletinis
did you drink tonight?

196
00:11:19,537 --> 00:11:22,785
Never you mind about that.
So... So, what are you gonna do?

197
00:11:22,954 --> 00:11:26,403
Out yourself as a straight man so you
can sleep with your little Pamela?

198
00:11:26,622 --> 00:11:29,953
No, no. That would mess
everything up with Eric.

199
00:11:30,706 --> 00:11:32,993
Unless I convince him...

200
00:11:33,165 --> 00:11:36,283
...that she temporarily
flipped me back to the home team.

201
00:11:36,500 --> 00:11:38,704
Oh, if you're gonna go, just go.

202
00:11:38,874 --> 00:11:41,993
Alan, eat something.
Toast, a waffle. Anything absorbent.

203
00:11:42,209 --> 00:11:44,166
Don't blame this on the liquor.

204
00:11:45,044 --> 00:11:47,368
Okay, here's what I can do.

205
00:11:47,545 --> 00:11:49,536
She and I are going
shopping tomorrow.

206
00:11:49,711 --> 00:11:52,581
I'll tell her I'm bisexual,
and then make my move.

207
00:11:52,796 --> 00:11:54,502
So you're gonna cheat on me?

208
00:11:54,713 --> 00:11:56,207
No, that's not cheating.

209
00:11:56,423 --> 00:12:00,204
- How do you figure?
- Because we're not really gay.

210
00:12:00,716 --> 00:12:03,667
Then how can you be bi?

211
00:12:06,217 --> 00:12:08,042
Shut up.

212
00:12:12,678 --> 00:12:15,130
Okay, well, good night.

213
00:12:15,345 --> 00:12:19,505
- Aren't you gonna ask?
- No. Jake told me.

214
00:12:24,639 --> 00:12:26,844
Oh, this is a cute top.

215
00:12:27,014 --> 00:12:30,049
I'm more a bottom man myself.

216
00:12:30,224 --> 00:12:32,760
I'll bet you are.

217
00:12:35,892 --> 00:12:37,516
- Too slutty?
- Haven't you heard?

218
00:12:37,685 --> 00:12:39,806
Slutty is the new black.

219
00:12:39,976 --> 00:12:42,218
Oh, you.

220
00:12:42,895 --> 00:12:47,932
Is there some special, young vagina
enthusiast you'll be taking that off for?

221
00:12:48,147 --> 00:12:51,062
I wish. Can you keep a little secret?

222
00:12:51,272 --> 00:12:53,346
I'm keeping a big one right now.

223
00:12:53,565 --> 00:12:56,136
I haven't been with a man
in almost a year.

224
00:12:56,357 --> 00:12:59,060
Oh, no. Color me sympathetic.

225
00:12:59,275 --> 00:13:02,475
I don't miss dating. That's lies and
pretense. I do miss the sex.

226
00:13:02,693 --> 00:13:07,766
Really? Well, what, specifically,
do you miss? And tell me slowly.

227
00:13:08,694 --> 00:13:12,736
The feel of a man's hot breath
on the back of my neck.

228
00:13:12,903 --> 00:13:16,734
His rough hands pulling me
to him and just taking me.

229
00:13:16,905 --> 00:13:19,359
Of course, I don't need to tell you.

230
00:13:20,406 --> 00:13:23,239
No, but I'm so glad you did.

231
00:13:23,406 --> 00:13:27,069
Isn't it funny that I can only be
this honest with a gay man?

232
00:13:27,241 --> 00:13:29,198
Yeah, it's a riot.

233
00:13:29,617 --> 00:13:33,659
Straight men only want one thing, and
they'll tell any number of lies to get it.

234
00:13:33,868 --> 00:13:36,821
- The dogs.
- Straight women are so competitive...

235
00:13:36,994 --> 00:13:39,116
...they'll use anything
you say against you.

236
00:13:39,328 --> 00:13:41,284
The bitches.

237
00:13:41,495 --> 00:13:44,910
Gay women only want one thing, and
they'll lie worse than straight men.

238
00:13:45,122 --> 00:13:47,160
Strange, because
they've already got it.

239
00:13:47,372 --> 00:13:49,992
Oh, you, come here.

240
00:13:50,165 --> 00:13:54,824
Oh, that's the other thing about
gay men. You're so hilarious.

241
00:13:54,999 --> 00:13:57,869
Yeah, we're like clowns
who smell nice.

242
00:14:00,126 --> 00:14:02,118
You know, these are pretty.

243
00:14:05,378 --> 00:14:09,242
It's pretty sheer. Eric hated it when he
could see my nipples. That a gay thing?

244
00:14:09,587 --> 00:14:14,128
Well, I can't speak for the community,
but I myself am nutty for nipples.

245
00:14:14,339 --> 00:14:15,997
Let's try it on.

246
00:14:16,173 --> 00:14:17,749
Okey-dokey, artichokey.

247
00:14:19,466 --> 00:14:21,540
All right. Hold this.

248
00:14:21,716 --> 00:14:23,458
Okay.

249
00:14:23,633 --> 00:14:25,754
What do you think?
With or without the bra?

250
00:14:26,843 --> 00:14:29,166
I don't know.
You're the one with nipple issues.

251
00:14:29,385 --> 00:14:32,053
All right, then. Without.

252
00:14:32,511 --> 00:14:35,000
Yes. Definitely without.

253
00:14:35,553 --> 00:14:37,046
Am I starting to sag?

254
00:14:38,596 --> 00:14:40,836
What... I'm sorry,
were you talking to me?

255
00:14:41,056 --> 00:14:42,714
Am I hanging a bit low?

256
00:14:42,930 --> 00:14:46,463
I don't know. Go like this:

257
00:14:47,098 --> 00:14:50,132
- Now go like this:
- Stop it. Give me the blouse.

258
00:14:52,017 --> 00:14:53,593
I am a woman, Charles.

259
00:14:53,767 --> 00:14:55,806
- Wanna see my nipples?
- No.

260
00:14:56,018 --> 00:14:57,844
Why not? You made me look at yours.

261
00:14:58,018 --> 00:15:01,432
God, you are so frisky.
How does Alan ever put up with you?

262
00:15:01,645 --> 00:15:03,885
How does his mother
put up with him?

263
00:15:04,104 --> 00:15:05,597
Oh, boy.

264
00:15:05,813 --> 00:15:10,223
Charles, didn't I ask you to confine
your debauchery to outlet stores?

265
00:15:10,439 --> 00:15:14,137
Pamela, this is my mother, Evelyn.
Mom, this is Pamela.

266
00:15:14,315 --> 00:15:18,180
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you. Your son is adorable.

267
00:15:18,358 --> 00:15:21,310
That seems to be
the conventional wisdom.

268
00:15:21,485 --> 00:15:25,230
I met him and his partner last night,
but we immediately hit it off.

269
00:15:25,402 --> 00:15:28,270
- I'm sorry. His partner?
- Alan, his lover.

270
00:15:28,486 --> 00:15:30,229
His lover?

271
00:15:30,945 --> 00:15:32,853
God, I'm not outing you, am I?

272
00:15:33,029 --> 00:15:37,154
Oh, no, no, no. Mom knows
all about me and Alan. Right, Mom?

273
00:15:38,156 --> 00:15:42,898
Of course. Alan's almost
like a son to me.

274
00:15:43,116 --> 00:15:47,573
My ex's parents were not supportive
when he came out of the closet.

275
00:15:47,742 --> 00:15:50,741
Oh, what a shame. What does he do?

276
00:15:50,951 --> 00:15:53,487
He's in advertising.
Charlie writes jingles for him.

277
00:15:53,702 --> 00:15:58,741
Oh, I see. One hand
moisturizes the other.

278
00:16:01,287 --> 00:16:04,322
No, the only time Charlie
was ever in the closet...

279
00:16:04,497 --> 00:16:07,863
...was when he was a little boy
trying on my hats and underwear...

280
00:16:08,040 --> 00:16:11,241
<i>...belting out the entire score
of Hello, Dolly!</i>

281
00:16:11,458 --> 00:16:14,125
<i>It was Mame, Mom.</i>

282
00:16:14,333 --> 00:16:18,410
In fact, if anything, his lifestyle
has brought us even closer.

283
00:16:18,584 --> 00:16:21,156
We cook together,
we shop together...

284
00:16:21,335 --> 00:16:25,461
...we go to all kinds of parties
and charity events together.

285
00:16:25,670 --> 00:16:30,245
Come to think of it, I have entered us
in an Alzheimer's walkathon this Sunday.

286
00:16:30,421 --> 00:16:31,998
Sunday isn't really good for me.

287
00:16:32,172 --> 00:16:33,879
But you will be there anyway...

288
00:16:34,048 --> 00:16:40,580
...because we support each other in all
our little causes, and you love me. Right?

289
00:16:41,841 --> 00:16:43,418
Right.

290
00:16:43,883 --> 00:16:45,591
Say it.

291
00:16:49,094 --> 00:16:50,753
I love you, Mom.

292
00:16:50,969 --> 00:16:53,376
And I love you too.

293
00:16:53,554 --> 00:16:55,212
Eight a.m. Sunday.

294
00:16:55,387 --> 00:17:00,093
I'll buy us matching tracksuits.
It'll be cute.

295
00:17:01,681 --> 00:17:04,430
- Lovely to meet you, Pamela.
- Bye.

296
00:17:04,765 --> 00:17:08,890
If I didn't know you were gay, meeting
your mother would've convinced me.

297
00:17:09,058 --> 00:17:12,140
Okay, that's it.
I can't do this anymore.

298
00:17:12,309 --> 00:17:15,308
You can't stop shopping.
I've gotta find you something slutty.

299
00:17:15,519 --> 00:17:17,888
I've already got something
slutty in my pants.

300
00:17:18,102 --> 00:17:20,390
- You're terrible.
- Pamela, listen to me.

301
00:17:20,603 --> 00:17:25,890
I'm not gay. I am completely,
100 percent, militantly heterosexual...

302
00:17:26,063 --> 00:17:30,271
...and I find you incredibly attractive.
- Okay. I understand.

303
00:17:30,481 --> 00:17:34,013
- You do?
- Of course. I went through this with Eric.

304
00:17:34,190 --> 00:17:37,308
He wanted badly to be straight,
and he suffered so much before...

305
00:17:37,483 --> 00:17:40,233
...he was able to finally accept
himself for who he is.

306
00:17:40,443 --> 00:17:44,307
Oh, no. I accept myself for who
I am. I am a lying horndog.

307
00:17:44,485 --> 00:17:47,438
- Charlie.
- lf I were a straight man...

308
00:17:47,612 --> 00:17:50,279
...would you find me attractive?
- That's hypothetical.

309
00:17:50,445 --> 00:17:52,935
Play along. Humor me.
If I were straight...

310
00:17:53,154 --> 00:17:54,813
I'd do you in a heartbeat.

311
00:17:55,030 --> 00:17:57,187
Oh, good. Come with me.

312
00:17:57,364 --> 00:18:00,114
Charlie, don't do this.
You don't have to prove anything.

313
00:18:00,324 --> 00:18:02,314
Oh, but I do.

314
00:18:04,034 --> 00:18:05,941
Now, come here.

315
00:18:07,326 --> 00:18:09,732
You don't have to be
straight to be a good kisser.

316
00:18:09,909 --> 00:18:13,242
I know, I know. Just wait.

317
00:18:16,662 --> 00:18:18,534
Well...?

318
00:18:19,746 --> 00:18:23,113
Give me a minute. I'm under some
pressure here. I just saw my mother.

319
00:18:23,289 --> 00:18:25,494
Would it help if you thought of Alan?

320
00:18:25,665 --> 00:18:30,620
Oh, great. Why don't you just
roll up a newspaper and hit it?

321
00:18:30,791 --> 00:18:32,747
Charlie, sweetheart, it's okay.

322
00:18:32,916 --> 00:18:35,584
No, it's not. I am a straight man.

323
00:18:35,751 --> 00:18:39,413
I've always been a straight man,
and I'll always be a straight man.

324
00:18:39,585 --> 00:18:43,959
Well, you'll forgive me, darling,
but you seem to have a gay man's penis.

325
00:18:45,212 --> 00:18:47,417
Come on, let's go look at shoes.

326
00:18:48,422 --> 00:18:52,630
It's a straight man's penis.
It's just having a bad day.

327
00:18:55,674 --> 00:18:57,830
- Hey.
- Oh, I thought you'd never come home.

328
00:18:58,007 --> 00:18:59,667
- We have to talk.
- Not now.

329
00:18:59,842 --> 00:19:01,880
I need to drink beer, scratch my ass...

330
00:19:02,050 --> 00:19:05,085
...and watch a whole bunch
of girl-on-girl porn.

331
00:19:06,844 --> 00:19:10,127
- Hello, Charlie.
- Eric. What are you doing here?

332
00:19:12,054 --> 00:19:15,634
I came over to talk to you about a
new account, and you weren't here, so...

333
00:19:15,847 --> 00:19:18,004
So he invited me to Big Sur
for the weekend.

334
00:19:19,931 --> 00:19:21,306
It's not what it sounds like.

335
00:19:21,515 --> 00:19:26,138
Yes, it is. He looked into my eyes,
told me I had a tight little breadbasket.

336
00:19:26,683 --> 00:19:28,176
No.

337
00:19:28,351 --> 00:19:32,132
Look, the other night at the party, there
was a lot of friction between you...

338
00:19:32,310 --> 00:19:34,929
...and I'm really sorry.

339
00:19:35,143 --> 00:19:38,973
Yeah, I'll bet you're really sorry.

340
00:19:40,479 --> 00:19:42,600
How do you expect me
to keep working for you?

341
00:19:42,812 --> 00:19:45,137
Gosh, I hope you will.
I'll make it up to you.

342
00:19:45,355 --> 00:19:48,971
How? How could you possibly
make up for this incredible betrayal?

343
00:19:49,190 --> 00:19:52,224
- I'll get you more money.
- Done. Get out.

344
00:19:53,066 --> 00:19:54,938
Bye, Alan.

345
00:19:56,191 --> 00:19:57,567
Thanks for the sweater.

346
00:19:59,484 --> 00:20:04,226
- He gave you a sweater?
- Cashmere. Very stylish. And thank you.

347
00:20:04,402 --> 00:20:08,398
- For what? I didn't get you anything.
- You stood up for our relationship.

348
00:20:08,570 --> 00:20:12,980
What relationship?
Alan, we're not gay.

349
00:20:13,530 --> 00:20:17,110
No, but if we were, you wouldn't
let anybody steal me away.

350
00:20:17,281 --> 00:20:19,356
And I think that's sweet.

351
00:20:20,366 --> 00:20:22,488
You need to stop this.

352
00:20:22,658 --> 00:20:25,822
I was just trying to get more
money out of him, and that's all.

353
00:20:26,033 --> 00:20:29,401
Whatever you say. Pookie.

354
00:20:32,036 --> 00:20:34,073
Is the breadbasket
the front or the back?

355
00:20:34,245 --> 00:20:38,453
- The back.
- Oh, good. It wasn't just a line.

356
00:20:43,248 --> 00:20:45,322
Pick it up, Charlie. We're lagging.

357
00:20:45,499 --> 00:20:48,284
Gimme a break.
I haven't even been to bed yet.

358
00:20:48,458 --> 00:20:51,706
Well, perhaps it's time for you
to reexamine your club-hopping...

359
00:20:51,875 --> 00:20:55,076
...popper-sniffing, disco lifestyle.

360
00:20:55,251 --> 00:20:57,456
I explained about that.

361
00:20:57,627 --> 00:21:02,286
It doesn't matter, darling.
You're here, you're queer. I'm used to it.