1 00:00:04,673 --> 00:00:06,415 Here. This is for you. 2 00:00:09,132 --> 00:00:10,838 Thank you. 3 00:00:11,464 --> 00:00:13,870 And I didn't get you anything. 4 00:00:15,007 --> 00:00:16,380 It's your kid's toilet seat. 5 00:00:16,549 --> 00:00:19,215 It's obviously in his way, and I'm tired of cleaning it. 6 00:00:20,382 --> 00:00:21,839 Oh, come on, Berta. 7 00:00:22,007 --> 00:00:24,329 - He's 11. - He's a pig. 8 00:00:24,715 --> 00:00:26,042 I'll talk to him. 9 00:00:26,215 --> 00:00:28,289 While you're at it, you may wanna mention... 10 00:00:28,465 --> 00:00:30,788 ...the half-eaten egg salad sandwiches in his toy chest... 11 00:00:30,965 --> 00:00:32,706 ...the dead marine life at the back of the closet... 12 00:00:32,882 --> 00:00:35,168 ...and the booger collection under the bed. 13 00:00:35,340 --> 00:00:37,377 I'll do my best to address your concerns. 14 00:00:37,548 --> 00:00:40,665 Don't condescend to me, Zippy. I'll snap you like a butter bean. 15 00:00:42,507 --> 00:00:44,414 Excuse me. Is one of you Alan? 16 00:00:51,174 --> 00:00:52,501 I'm Alan. 17 00:00:52,924 --> 00:00:55,459 Oh, good. Charlie wants you to come upstairs. 18 00:00:55,924 --> 00:01:00,000 - Why? - Well, it's kind of hard to explain. 19 00:01:00,173 --> 00:01:02,923 - Try. - Oh, yeah, try. 20 00:01:03,757 --> 00:01:05,249 Well, he's kind of stuck. 21 00:01:08,799 --> 00:01:10,126 - In what? - In what? 22 00:01:10,716 --> 00:01:13,667 Not in anything, just stuck. 23 00:01:14,132 --> 00:01:16,253 Would you hurry? 24 00:01:19,340 --> 00:01:22,623 - Where are you going? - Oh, like I'm gonna miss this? 25 00:01:27,549 --> 00:01:29,788 Charlie? Are you okay? 26 00:01:29,966 --> 00:01:33,248 Do I look okay? 27 00:01:33,424 --> 00:01:38,247 - What happened? - I pulled my back. 28 00:01:38,424 --> 00:01:41,541 I didn't do anything. I was lying there and he started screaming. 29 00:01:41,716 --> 00:01:44,667 - I understand. - I mean, I wasn't just lying there. 30 00:01:44,840 --> 00:01:48,041 - I got it. - Damn, I wish I had a camera. 31 00:01:48,216 --> 00:01:51,167 That's okay. It's all on video. 32 00:02:03,300 --> 00:02:06,499 Alan, you're a chiropractor. Do something. 33 00:02:07,008 --> 00:02:08,963 Really? You want my help? 34 00:02:09,133 --> 00:02:11,965 Even after you referred to my profession as, what was it... 35 00:02:12,133 --> 00:02:13,791 ..."urban voodoo"? 36 00:02:14,757 --> 00:02:16,998 I'm sorry. Now help me. 37 00:02:17,174 --> 00:02:19,165 Okay. Okay. We'll see what we can do. 38 00:02:24,216 --> 00:02:26,455 Yeah, yeah, okay, very funny, very funny. 39 00:02:26,633 --> 00:02:29,299 Hold on. Berta, I'm gonna need a dead rooster. 40 00:02:29,966 --> 00:02:31,673 Check your kid's room. 41 00:02:32,341 --> 00:02:35,340 Excuse me, Charlie, sorry you're not feeling well, but I have an audition. 42 00:02:35,508 --> 00:02:38,838 - Go. - It's a Wheat Thins commercial. 43 00:02:39,341 --> 00:02:42,423 - I'm an actress. - Of course you are. 44 00:02:43,217 --> 00:02:44,544 I had a nice time, Charlie. 45 00:02:45,174 --> 00:02:46,797 - I'll call you. - Great. 46 00:02:46,967 --> 00:02:49,041 Oh, if you find my tongue stud, let me know. 47 00:02:51,758 --> 00:02:53,962 Okay, let's see what we've got here. 48 00:02:54,633 --> 00:02:57,122 - Is this tender? - A little. 49 00:02:57,299 --> 00:03:00,167 - On a scale of one to ten? - I don't know. Three? 50 00:03:00,342 --> 00:03:03,423 - Okay, what about this? - Four. 51 00:03:03,591 --> 00:03:05,914 And what about this? 52 00:03:07,925 --> 00:03:10,164 I'm gonna need a number, Charlie. 53 00:03:10,717 --> 00:03:12,956 No, no, I changed my mind. Leave me alone. 54 00:03:13,133 --> 00:03:15,254 Oh, don't be a baby. 55 00:03:15,425 --> 00:03:17,416 - Stay away. - I have to examine you. 56 00:03:17,592 --> 00:03:19,879 - It's okay. I'm better. - No, you're not. 57 00:03:20,050 --> 00:03:23,048 - Now, stop moving. - Really, I'm fine. Just don't... 58 00:03:25,967 --> 00:03:29,795 Ten. Ten. That's a ten. 59 00:03:30,216 --> 00:03:33,215 - Are you happy? - Do I look happy? 60 00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:36,467 Let's get you back on the bed so I can give you an adjustment. 61 00:03:36,634 --> 00:03:37,961 No, no, no, no. New plan. 62 00:03:38,133 --> 00:03:40,089 I need someone who can give me drugs. 63 00:03:40,258 --> 00:03:43,257 I'm not holding, but I can make a couple calls. 64 00:03:43,425 --> 00:03:45,131 Drugs just mask the problem. 65 00:03:45,301 --> 00:03:48,631 Fine, mask it. Throw a cape on it, and let it fight crime. 66 00:03:48,800 --> 00:03:50,708 I just want it to go away. 67 00:03:50,884 --> 00:03:54,545 Good news. I think I know where Wheat Thins lost her tongue stud. 68 00:04:00,175 --> 00:04:01,633 For the love of God. 69 00:04:02,801 --> 00:04:05,917 Oh, mommy. 70 00:04:09,384 --> 00:04:11,042 Feeling better? 71 00:04:11,259 --> 00:04:14,210 No, I just passed out for a second. 72 00:04:16,176 --> 00:04:18,250 Berta, I'm gonna take Charlie to the doctor. 73 00:04:18,426 --> 00:04:20,749 - You keep an eye on Jake. - Fine. 74 00:04:20,926 --> 00:04:22,632 Whoa, hey. 75 00:04:22,801 --> 00:04:25,005 And please put his toilet seat back on. 76 00:04:29,676 --> 00:04:31,999 I really think you should put on your seat belt. 77 00:04:32,342 --> 00:04:34,464 Do you now? 78 00:04:34,800 --> 00:04:38,665 Did you forget it took three of us just to put on my shorts? 79 00:04:38,842 --> 00:04:42,504 Suit yourself. I should call your doctor and tell him we're coming. 80 00:04:42,676 --> 00:04:44,999 - What's his number? - I don't know. 81 00:04:45,176 --> 00:04:49,964 All right, I'll call directory assistance. What's his name? Where's he located? 82 00:04:50,134 --> 00:04:52,705 Dr. Schwartz. Beverly Hills. 83 00:04:53,676 --> 00:04:57,670 - You're kidding, right? - Do I look like I'm kidding? 84 00:04:58,468 --> 00:05:00,091 Well, I need a first name. 85 00:05:02,551 --> 00:05:06,414 I remember his receptionist's name. Julie. 86 00:05:06,593 --> 00:05:09,259 Cute redhead with a slight speech impediment. 87 00:05:09,426 --> 00:05:11,333 She called me "Charlie." 88 00:05:13,968 --> 00:05:15,626 I almost asked her out once... 89 00:05:15,801 --> 00:05:18,171 ...but I couldn't face the inevitable phone calls. 90 00:05:18,343 --> 00:05:22,288 "I love you, Charlie. Don't leave me." 91 00:05:22,843 --> 00:05:26,671 Yeah, yeah, and your doctor's first name is? 92 00:05:28,134 --> 00:05:29,544 Oh, I have no idea. 93 00:05:30,760 --> 00:05:32,549 Idiot. 94 00:05:34,009 --> 00:05:36,415 Yes, Beverly Hills, California. 95 00:05:36,593 --> 00:05:38,714 Dr. Schwartz. 96 00:05:38,885 --> 00:05:41,125 Yeah, I don't know the first name. 97 00:05:41,385 --> 00:05:43,755 No, I'm not kidding. 98 00:05:45,218 --> 00:05:48,335 There are 128 Dr. Schwartzes in Beverly Hills. 99 00:05:48,510 --> 00:05:50,051 What street is he on? 100 00:05:50,218 --> 00:05:52,044 Wilshire Boulevard, I think. 101 00:05:52,218 --> 00:05:55,003 Wilshire Boulevard, we think. 102 00:05:55,760 --> 00:05:58,296 Okay, we're down to 47 Schwartzes. 103 00:05:58,926 --> 00:06:02,671 Just forget it. Drive down Wilshire. I'll know the building when I see it. 104 00:06:02,844 --> 00:06:04,384 Never mind, we're gonna play... 105 00:06:04,552 --> 00:06:06,626 ...Find the Jewish Doctor in Beverly Hills. 106 00:06:07,427 --> 00:06:08,801 Wait, wait. There it is. 107 00:06:14,302 --> 00:06:16,376 Now, you see, that wouldn't have happened... 108 00:06:16,552 --> 00:06:18,792 ...if you'd been wearing your seat belt. 109 00:06:19,260 --> 00:06:21,584 Alan, if I can ever use my legs again... 110 00:06:21,760 --> 00:06:26,169 ...the first thing I'm gonna do is kick your ass into your throat. 111 00:06:34,219 --> 00:06:36,458 That's not Julie. 112 00:06:38,093 --> 00:06:42,040 - So? - It's just important to me that you know. 113 00:06:42,718 --> 00:06:45,468 - Can I help you? - Yeah, I'm Charlie Harper. 114 00:06:45,635 --> 00:06:48,255 - I need to see my doctor. - Do you have an appointment? 115 00:06:48,427 --> 00:06:49,836 No, but this is an emergency. 116 00:06:50,011 --> 00:06:52,677 He has to get back to Notre Dame and ring the bell. 117 00:06:54,261 --> 00:06:58,124 Oh, I get it. He's hunched over. That's funny. 118 00:06:59,845 --> 00:07:01,965 Yeah, can I see my doctor, please? 119 00:07:02,136 --> 00:07:03,842 - Who's your doctor? - Dr. Schwartz. 120 00:07:04,011 --> 00:07:05,883 - Stanley Schwartz? - Yes, Stanley. 121 00:07:06,052 --> 00:07:08,457 - It's Stanley. - Thank you. 122 00:07:08,636 --> 00:07:10,626 When was the last time you were here? 123 00:07:10,844 --> 00:07:13,511 I don't know. A couple of years ago. Why? 124 00:07:13,927 --> 00:07:18,466 - Dr. Schwartz passed away. - Oh, no. 125 00:07:18,719 --> 00:07:20,176 So where's Julie? 126 00:07:21,052 --> 00:07:22,593 Julie we had to let go. 127 00:07:22,761 --> 00:07:27,169 She was playing a little fast and loose with the old prescription pad. 128 00:07:28,803 --> 00:07:31,670 I'm guessing Valium. 129 00:07:33,220 --> 00:07:35,126 Is there somebody else who can see him? 130 00:07:35,303 --> 00:07:37,507 Yeah, but not Dr. Schwartz's doctor, okay? 131 00:07:37,677 --> 00:07:40,001 Dr. Talmadge took over Dr. Schwartz's practice. 132 00:07:40,177 --> 00:07:42,927 It's a little tight right now, but I could squeeze you in. 133 00:07:43,552 --> 00:07:45,709 That's kind of how this happened. 134 00:07:46,386 --> 00:07:49,668 Oh, my. So this was a sexual injury. 135 00:07:52,845 --> 00:07:54,966 Well, thank goodness you're okay. 136 00:08:05,928 --> 00:08:08,713 This is really gross. Why do I have to do it? 137 00:08:08,886 --> 00:08:10,877 - You want your toilet seat back? - Yes. 138 00:08:11,053 --> 00:08:13,174 Then keep scrubbing. 139 00:08:14,220 --> 00:08:17,881 You know, taking it wasn't funny. I could have broke my butt. 140 00:08:18,053 --> 00:08:20,174 Oh, come on. How could that not be funny? 141 00:08:22,678 --> 00:08:26,257 Don't forget to clean on the outside. That's all you. 142 00:08:26,678 --> 00:08:30,091 - And the floor, and the wall. - Okay, okay. 143 00:08:30,262 --> 00:08:32,501 How in the hell did you hit the wall anyway? 144 00:08:32,678 --> 00:08:36,008 I don't know, it just gets away from me sometimes. 145 00:08:37,470 --> 00:08:39,046 After a day scrubbing toilets... 146 00:08:39,220 --> 00:08:43,296 ...I'm betting you'll be able to pee through a Cheerio at 10 paces. 147 00:08:44,429 --> 00:08:46,336 Oh, God. 148 00:08:46,512 --> 00:08:48,716 Oh, jeez. 149 00:08:48,887 --> 00:08:50,213 Hey, guess what. 150 00:08:50,387 --> 00:08:53,468 The Soviet Union is boycotting the Olympics. 151 00:08:59,471 --> 00:09:01,793 My pain is just a big joke to you, isn't it? 152 00:09:01,971 --> 00:09:04,802 I offered to help you, Charlie, and you refused, so... 153 00:09:04,970 --> 00:09:06,048 ...yeah. 154 00:09:07,637 --> 00:09:10,801 I'll tell you, if you came to me as a patient in this much pain... 155 00:09:10,970 --> 00:09:13,459 ...I wouldn't make you wait. I'd see you right away. 156 00:09:13,637 --> 00:09:17,085 So would my dry cleaner, but I don't let him touch me either. 157 00:09:17,262 --> 00:09:18,755 I could help you, Charlie. 158 00:09:18,928 --> 00:09:21,417 I've already isolated the source of your discomfort. 159 00:09:21,596 --> 00:09:24,084 All that's left would be to realign your vertebrae... 160 00:09:24,262 --> 00:09:26,466 ...through a gentle series of manipulations and stretches... 161 00:09:26,637 --> 00:09:28,214 ...thereby alleviating your pain. 162 00:09:31,012 --> 00:09:33,679 Well, you didn't explain it like that. That's different. 163 00:09:33,845 --> 00:09:36,595 - So you'll let me work on you? - Not in a million years. 164 00:09:38,221 --> 00:09:41,587 Fine. Worship at the altar of the American Medical Association. 165 00:09:41,762 --> 00:09:44,381 Swallow the pharmaceutical companies' propaganda. 166 00:09:44,554 --> 00:09:48,133 I'll swallow it, I'll sniff it, I'll insert it rectally. 167 00:09:49,929 --> 00:09:52,548 Anything to kill the pain. I'm dying here. 168 00:09:53,346 --> 00:09:55,217 Mr. Harper, I'm Dr. Talmadge. 169 00:09:55,388 --> 00:09:57,876 Hello, doctor. 170 00:10:00,263 --> 00:10:02,632 Hallelujah. It's a miracle. 171 00:10:06,971 --> 00:10:08,796 So I see you're having some back pain. 172 00:10:09,263 --> 00:10:11,881 That will be $ 100, please. 173 00:10:13,721 --> 00:10:15,628 Yeah, it started in my back... 174 00:10:15,805 --> 00:10:20,047 ...but now it's kind of radiating out into a body-wide unbearable agony. 175 00:10:20,221 --> 00:10:23,135 You have a really cute little nose, you know that? 176 00:10:23,929 --> 00:10:26,762 - Did the pain start in your lower back? - Best I can tell... 177 00:10:26,930 --> 00:10:28,719 ...it's a spasm between L4 and L5. 178 00:10:28,888 --> 00:10:31,175 - Oh, are you a doctor? - Yes, I'm a chiropractor. 179 00:10:31,346 --> 00:10:33,302 So no. 180 00:10:35,763 --> 00:10:37,137 How did this happen? 181 00:10:37,304 --> 00:10:39,793 Well, I slipped. 182 00:10:40,013 --> 00:10:42,087 On an actress. 183 00:10:43,054 --> 00:10:45,010 I can handle this, Alan. 184 00:10:45,179 --> 00:10:47,503 Okay, see, the thing is, I was in the middle of... 185 00:10:47,679 --> 00:10:49,302 An actress. 186 00:10:50,096 --> 00:10:51,554 I'm warning you. 187 00:10:51,721 --> 00:10:54,968 - Do the details really matter? - No, no, I think I got the picture. 188 00:10:55,138 --> 00:10:57,543 There's video if you need it. 189 00:10:58,388 --> 00:10:59,715 Keep it up. 190 00:11:00,264 --> 00:11:02,752 Okay, I see here your last visit was four years ago. 191 00:11:02,930 --> 00:11:04,921 A mild hernia brought about by... 192 00:11:05,096 --> 00:11:07,087 Okay. I think I'm seeing a pattern here. 193 00:11:08,347 --> 00:11:11,261 He's a sexual compulsive with narcissistic tendencies. 194 00:11:11,430 --> 00:11:13,717 Oh, so you're a pretend psychiatrist too. 195 00:11:17,513 --> 00:11:19,504 So, what's the course of treatment here? 196 00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:22,383 A pill, a shot? Maybe one of those epidurals? 197 00:11:22,555 --> 00:11:25,388 First I'm going to get your blood pressure and take x-rays. 198 00:11:25,555 --> 00:11:29,383 - I take blood pressure and x-rays. - Your mother must be very proud. 199 00:11:30,014 --> 00:11:32,004 Actually, no. 200 00:11:32,514 --> 00:11:34,385 Someone will be in to take you to x-ray. 201 00:11:34,555 --> 00:11:36,462 Wait. I'm still in pain. 202 00:11:36,805 --> 00:11:38,760 Try and hang in there. In the meantime... 203 00:11:38,930 --> 00:11:41,300 ...maybe your little buddy can give you a massage. 204 00:11:44,388 --> 00:11:48,252 - Can you believe her? - Yeah, she is something else. 205 00:11:48,430 --> 00:11:51,263 Please don't tell me you're interested in that condescending... 206 00:11:51,430 --> 00:11:53,006 ...arrogant excuse for a woman. 207 00:11:53,181 --> 00:11:55,585 Pardon me, Alan, but that is a condescending... 208 00:11:55,764 --> 00:11:58,430 ...arrogant, hot excuse for a woman. 209 00:11:58,598 --> 00:12:01,879 She's just your typical obnoxious MD. 210 00:12:02,056 --> 00:12:04,130 I'm a doctor. I have special license plates. 211 00:12:04,305 --> 00:12:06,841 I can park wherever I want. 212 00:12:07,931 --> 00:12:10,336 I know where I wanna park. 213 00:12:10,930 --> 00:12:13,598 You're unbelievable. Does your penis have an off switch? 214 00:12:14,639 --> 00:12:16,097 A pause button? 215 00:12:16,264 --> 00:12:18,799 No, just a little freckle. 216 00:12:19,931 --> 00:12:22,633 You're always telling me I should date a better class of woman. 217 00:12:22,806 --> 00:12:24,263 What's classier than a doctor? 218 00:12:24,431 --> 00:12:28,127 Oh, please. Four years of med school, two years of internship... 219 00:12:28,306 --> 00:12:32,216 ...a year of residency, and everybody thinks they're so special. 220 00:12:32,389 --> 00:12:34,759 But I'll tell you something. A new day is dawning. 221 00:12:34,931 --> 00:12:38,593 A day of reckoning. And it is spelled HMO. 222 00:12:40,764 --> 00:12:43,881 No more country clubs. No more Cadillacs. 223 00:12:44,056 --> 00:12:48,678 Just sky-high insurance premiums and low, slow, copay reimbursements. 224 00:12:48,847 --> 00:12:51,929 Just like the rest of us. 225 00:12:52,514 --> 00:12:55,382 I'll bet she knows a lot of secret anatomy stuff. 226 00:12:56,723 --> 00:13:00,384 You know, places you touch and the top of your head flies off. 227 00:13:02,098 --> 00:13:05,131 If you have sex with a doctor, there's a chance they'll split... 228 00:13:05,306 --> 00:13:07,592 ...in the middle of the night for an emergency. 229 00:13:07,765 --> 00:13:09,886 Well, that's just a price you'll have to pay. 230 00:13:10,056 --> 00:13:12,675 No, no. That works for me. 231 00:13:15,056 --> 00:13:17,509 Okay, I finished the toilet, the shower... 232 00:13:17,681 --> 00:13:20,763 ...and the sink. - What took you so long? 233 00:13:20,931 --> 00:13:24,048 I went to the bathroom, and I had to start over. 234 00:13:25,348 --> 00:13:27,671 Take these, and get started on the kitchen floor. 235 00:13:27,848 --> 00:13:29,886 Why? I didn't pee in here. 236 00:13:31,973 --> 00:13:33,632 Okay, once, but it was in the sink. 237 00:13:35,223 --> 00:13:37,380 The sink? How'd you manage that? 238 00:13:37,556 --> 00:13:41,052 It's not that hard. You just gotta drink a lot of root beer, lean back... 239 00:13:41,223 --> 00:13:43,013 ...and figure the angle. 240 00:13:47,598 --> 00:13:49,636 So tell me about Dr. Talmadge. 241 00:13:49,806 --> 00:13:52,758 - Is she seeing anybody? - Yes. 242 00:13:52,932 --> 00:13:56,179 - Is it serious? - Dog bite. 243 00:13:56,932 --> 00:13:59,088 - No, I mean... - Charlie, give it a rest. 244 00:13:59,265 --> 00:14:00,675 What? 245 00:14:00,848 --> 00:14:04,096 You're sitting here in pain because of a casual sexual encounter... 246 00:14:04,265 --> 00:14:06,552 ...and now you're trying to drum up another one. 247 00:14:07,681 --> 00:14:11,012 - Yeah, so? - Don't you get it? 248 00:14:11,182 --> 00:14:12,971 Your entire life is about jumping... 249 00:14:13,141 --> 00:14:16,054 ...from one shallow, meaningless relationship to the next. 250 00:14:16,891 --> 00:14:18,383 And? 251 00:14:19,016 --> 00:14:21,468 You're a grown man. You can't go through life... 252 00:14:21,640 --> 00:14:25,136 ...drinking and partying and humping anything that doesn't shake you off. 253 00:14:25,682 --> 00:14:27,922 Yes, I can. 254 00:14:28,098 --> 00:14:30,339 But sooner or later, it's gonna catch up to you. 255 00:14:30,515 --> 00:14:32,553 Eventually, you will have to pay the piper. 256 00:14:32,724 --> 00:14:34,761 - Who says? - Everybody says. 257 00:14:34,932 --> 00:14:37,053 Really? Because I'm just hearing you. 258 00:14:37,599 --> 00:14:40,881 If 2000 years of human history has taught us anything... 259 00:14:41,058 --> 00:14:43,545 ...it's that there is karmic justice in the world... 260 00:14:43,724 --> 00:14:46,094 ...and that when people live the way you do... 261 00:14:46,266 --> 00:14:48,636 ...bad things happen to them to even things out. 262 00:14:48,807 --> 00:14:50,763 Well, I don't agree. 263 00:14:51,432 --> 00:14:53,055 It's not up for debate. 264 00:14:53,224 --> 00:14:55,926 It's a law, like gravity. 265 00:14:56,099 --> 00:14:58,089 Oh, I agree with gravity. 266 00:14:58,266 --> 00:15:00,671 Good, we wouldn't want you flying off the planet... 267 00:15:00,849 --> 00:15:02,674 ...with nothing to hump but satellites. 268 00:15:02,849 --> 00:15:05,385 If it makes you feel better, something bad happened. 269 00:15:05,557 --> 00:15:07,844 - I'm in excruciating pain. - That's not enough. 270 00:15:08,599 --> 00:15:10,885 Trust me, Charlie. The piper has yet to be paid. 271 00:15:11,058 --> 00:15:14,553 The only question is how high a tab you want before the bill comes due. 272 00:15:16,307 --> 00:15:18,511 Okay. I get it. 273 00:15:19,016 --> 00:15:20,841 Well, good. 274 00:15:21,266 --> 00:15:24,513 So you think I have a shot with that doctor, or what? 275 00:15:27,058 --> 00:15:30,388 It's like trying to talk Shakespeare to a Hershey bar. 276 00:15:35,099 --> 00:15:37,055 Who's Piper? 277 00:15:40,849 --> 00:15:45,553 Oh, you poor, clueless bitch. Never trust a drifter with an eye patch. 278 00:15:46,724 --> 00:15:48,550 - Berta. - What? 279 00:15:48,725 --> 00:15:50,928 I'm tired, and my hands are all red and pruney. 280 00:15:51,100 --> 00:15:53,054 I've seen your grades. Get used to it. 281 00:15:55,350 --> 00:15:56,677 How do I know when I'm done? 282 00:15:56,849 --> 00:15:58,971 Don't worry about that, honey, I'll tell you. 283 00:15:59,141 --> 00:16:03,005 Oh, for God's sakes, don't kiss him. He's your brother. 284 00:16:04,641 --> 00:16:06,881 - I have x-rays. - Oh, good. Let me see them. 285 00:16:07,058 --> 00:16:08,883 Oh, golly, no. Only for a doctor. 286 00:16:09,600 --> 00:16:11,804 Hey, I'm a doctor. 287 00:16:11,975 --> 00:16:14,013 Oh, yeah? Where you parked? 288 00:16:18,267 --> 00:16:20,056 Alan, you gotta relax. 289 00:16:20,225 --> 00:16:23,721 You're harboring the kind of resentment that eats away at your insides... 290 00:16:23,891 --> 00:16:27,388 ...until you wake up one day peeing blood and crapping into a bag. 291 00:16:27,558 --> 00:16:29,099 Thanks for the advice. 292 00:16:29,266 --> 00:16:31,387 You know the difference between you and me? 293 00:16:31,559 --> 00:16:32,932 I have a functioning liver... 294 00:16:33,100 --> 00:16:35,257 ...and somehow, you're gonna get laid tonight. 295 00:16:36,059 --> 00:16:39,554 That's ridiculous, Alan. She's an educated professional. 296 00:16:39,725 --> 00:16:42,593 Probably gonna have to throw a few fancy meals at her first. 297 00:16:42,767 --> 00:16:44,971 Boo-hoo, you'll have to wait a couple of weeks. 298 00:16:45,141 --> 00:16:46,800 Couple of weeks? 299 00:16:48,684 --> 00:16:50,758 Anyway, the difference between you and me... 300 00:16:50,933 --> 00:16:53,718 ...is that when life gives me lemons, I make lemonade. 301 00:16:53,892 --> 00:16:56,463 When you get lemons, you just bite into them... 302 00:16:56,642 --> 00:16:58,846 ...and suck them inside out. 303 00:17:00,309 --> 00:17:03,721 Okay. Let's see what we've got. 304 00:17:06,017 --> 00:17:07,842 No fractures, no dislocations. 305 00:17:08,017 --> 00:17:11,845 - Looks like just a simple muscle spasm. - Between L4 and L5? 306 00:17:12,017 --> 00:17:14,506 Oh, good for you. 307 00:17:14,975 --> 00:17:17,973 Okay, I am gonna give you a shot, which should ease the pain... 308 00:17:18,143 --> 00:17:20,512 ...and also allow your muscles to relax. 309 00:17:20,684 --> 00:17:22,307 Have you had Demerol before? 310 00:17:22,476 --> 00:17:24,052 No, but I've heard nice things about it. 311 00:17:24,851 --> 00:17:27,339 Okay, I'm just gonna pull your shorts down a little. 312 00:17:27,517 --> 00:17:30,302 But Dr. Talmadge, I don't even know your first name. 313 00:17:30,475 --> 00:17:32,929 - Michelle. - Michelle. 314 00:17:33,100 --> 00:17:34,510 That's prettier than Stanley. 315 00:17:38,309 --> 00:17:40,180 - Sorry. - That's okay. 316 00:17:40,351 --> 00:17:44,475 It's all part of the little meet-cute thing we got going here. 317 00:17:46,684 --> 00:17:49,469 So how long does it take before I start feeling... 318 00:17:53,684 --> 00:17:55,556 ...happy. 319 00:17:57,768 --> 00:18:02,010 Happy, happy, happy. Happy. 320 00:18:02,184 --> 00:18:04,589 Michelle, did you know I have a house on the beach? 321 00:18:05,184 --> 00:18:08,680 - Really? I love the beach. - Oh, good, because I have a house there. 322 00:18:10,434 --> 00:18:13,800 Wait outside, I need to give your brother a hernia exam to make sure... 323 00:18:13,976 --> 00:18:16,760 ...he hasn't reinjured the area. - A hernia exam. 324 00:18:18,851 --> 00:18:21,849 - And your boxers. - Bye-bye, boxers. 325 00:18:26,809 --> 00:18:28,800 I was wrong. There's no justice. 326 00:18:28,977 --> 00:18:31,216 I thought there was justice, but there's not. 327 00:18:31,393 --> 00:18:33,016 What, you think there's justice? 328 00:18:33,185 --> 00:18:35,306 Because there's not. 329 00:18:35,893 --> 00:18:37,220 Turn your head and cough. 330 00:18:40,268 --> 00:18:42,804 - You have very warm hands. - Again. 331 00:18:42,976 --> 00:18:45,382 You have very warm hands. 332 00:18:49,435 --> 00:18:51,970 So any chance I could take you out for dinner tonight? 333 00:18:52,143 --> 00:18:55,307 - You're hitting on me? - You started it. 334 00:18:55,476 --> 00:18:58,309 - You're amazing. - Well, statistically... 335 00:18:58,476 --> 00:19:01,427 ...I'm only slightly above average. 336 00:19:01,851 --> 00:19:05,181 But I make up for it with enthusiasm and perseverance. 337 00:19:05,352 --> 00:19:07,922 No, what's amazing is that you don't remember me. 338 00:19:08,101 --> 00:19:09,724 Well, sure I remember you. 339 00:19:09,894 --> 00:19:13,093 You're the pretty woman cupping my testicles from earlier. 340 00:19:13,268 --> 00:19:16,930 Back when I was in medical school, you and I went out for a couple months. 341 00:19:20,393 --> 00:19:22,301 You wanna loosen your grip there? 342 00:19:22,852 --> 00:19:24,677 Then for reasons I never understood... 343 00:19:24,852 --> 00:19:27,600 ...you stopped calling me, and started seeing my roommate. 344 00:19:29,019 --> 00:19:31,056 The grip. 345 00:19:32,311 --> 00:19:34,467 I always hoped I'd run into you again. 346 00:19:34,852 --> 00:19:38,680 Please. Just leave me one. 347 00:19:39,602 --> 00:19:42,220 Oh, dear God. 348 00:19:42,894 --> 00:19:45,464 My brother's making lemonade. 349 00:19:51,310 --> 00:19:52,969 I need to go to the bathroom. 350 00:19:53,144 --> 00:19:54,933 So go. 351 00:19:58,144 --> 00:19:59,850 Oh, yeah. 352 00:20:09,144 --> 00:20:10,720 Good night. I'll see you tomorrow. 353 00:20:10,894 --> 00:20:12,517 - Night. - Night. 354 00:20:12,685 --> 00:20:15,719 So, are you gonna tell me what happened with you and the doctor? 355 00:20:15,894 --> 00:20:17,221 What do you think happened? 356 00:20:18,561 --> 00:20:20,516 I think she shot you full of drugs... 357 00:20:20,686 --> 00:20:22,807 ...you dropped trou, she jumped your bones... 358 00:20:22,977 --> 00:20:25,466 ...and you're the luckiest bastard to walk the earth. 359 00:20:26,186 --> 00:20:28,971 Well, for your information... 360 00:20:29,144 --> 00:20:31,597 ...that's exactly what happened. 361 00:20:33,519 --> 00:20:35,806 Not even a little justice. 362 00:20:35,977 --> 00:20:39,722 This is a justice-free zone. 363 00:20:40,519 --> 00:20:43,601 Looking for justice? Sorry, fresh out. 364 00:20:45,019 --> 00:20:47,555 Enjoy sucking on that lemon. 365 00:20:49,561 --> 00:20:52,132 Nope, not yet.