1
00:00:01,291 --> 00:00:04,659
Do you just get up in the morning
and figure out ways to make me crazy?

2
00:00:04,835 --> 00:00:06,543
Is that what you do?
You plot it out?

3
00:00:06,711 --> 00:00:08,419
How can I make Alan
miserable today?

4
00:00:08,587 --> 00:00:10,378
How can I reach into his chest...

5
00:00:10,590 --> 00:00:13,506
...rip out his heart, and suck it dry?

6
00:00:14,883 --> 00:00:17,587
- Mom or ex-wife?
- Ex-wife.

7
00:00:17,969 --> 00:00:20,295
- Hi, Judith.
- Charlie says hello.

8
00:00:20,471 --> 00:00:22,962
She says hi.
You're evil and selfish, you know that?

9
00:00:23,973 --> 00:00:26,132
No, no. l... I think that is
a helpful comment.

10
00:00:26,309 --> 00:00:29,759
I pay you alimony and child support
so that you can have a nice house...

11
00:00:29,936 --> 00:00:32,605
...a nice car, every weekend free
because I've got Jake.

12
00:00:32,813 --> 00:00:36,644
And yet you're telling me
you need a vacation?

13
00:00:36,816 --> 00:00:40,397
Oh, really? Oh, really? And what exactly
is stressing you out, Judith?

14
00:00:40,568 --> 00:00:43,273
Is it the weekly manicure?
The housekeeper?

15
00:00:43,445 --> 00:00:45,402
- Boob lift.
- The boob lift.

16
00:00:45,613 --> 00:00:47,569
- That you paid for.
- That I paid for.

17
00:00:47,782 --> 00:00:50,486
- And never got to see.
- And never got to see.

18
00:00:52,034 --> 00:00:53,695
No, no, no. You listen to me.

19
00:00:53,870 --> 00:00:55,909
I think you live a damn fine lifestyle...

20
00:00:56,079 --> 00:00:58,367
...that I work 60 hours a week
to support.

21
00:00:58,539 --> 00:01:02,702
So if anybody needs a vacation,
it's not you. It's me!

22
00:01:03,292 --> 00:01:05,250
All right, then.

23
00:01:06,087 --> 00:01:07,745
Goodbye.

24
00:01:10,089 --> 00:01:12,793
Judith's going to Hawaii for a week.

25
00:01:14,884 --> 00:01:16,259
So Jake's staying here.

26
00:01:16,718 --> 00:01:18,710
I'm shocked.

27
00:01:28,060 --> 00:01:30,550
Come on, Jake.
It's time to get up for school.

28
00:01:30,730 --> 00:01:32,139
I can't go to school.

29
00:01:32,314 --> 00:01:34,222
- I'm sick.
- What's wrong?

30
00:01:34,731 --> 00:01:37,483
I think I have acid reflex disease.

31
00:01:37,692 --> 00:01:41,558
Really? Acid reflex disease?

32
00:01:42,404 --> 00:01:44,194
Where does it hurt?

33
00:01:45,655 --> 00:01:47,363
My head?

34
00:01:48,157 --> 00:01:50,233
- Nice try.
- My throat?

35
00:01:50,451 --> 00:01:51,862
Get up.

36
00:01:53,577 --> 00:01:54,988
All right, all right.

37
00:01:55,163 --> 00:01:58,282
I just want you to know,
I'm starting my day really stressed out.

38
00:01:58,498 --> 00:02:01,617
Oh, I'm sorry. Would you like me
to send you to Hawaii?

39
00:02:01,834 --> 00:02:03,873
That would be nice.

40
00:02:07,964 --> 00:02:10,714
What's taking you so long?

41
00:02:11,257 --> 00:02:14,174
- I can't find my other shoe.
- So put on a different pair.

42
00:02:14,343 --> 00:02:15,718
But this one's on already.

43
00:02:18,762 --> 00:02:21,051
Hey, what are you doing up so late?

44
00:02:21,514 --> 00:02:23,305
It's 7 a.m.

45
00:02:24,682 --> 00:02:27,720
- What am I doing up so early?
- Where have you been?

46
00:02:27,935 --> 00:02:31,766
Searching the kingdom
for the woman who fits this shoe.

47
00:02:32,356 --> 00:02:33,979
Hey, that's mine. Where was it?

48
00:02:34,273 --> 00:02:35,436
In the driveway.

49
00:02:36,316 --> 00:02:38,190
Oh, yeah!

50
00:02:38,568 --> 00:02:39,896
Okay, let's go.

51
00:02:40,069 --> 00:02:41,812
- Got my lunch?
- Lunch?

52
00:02:42,029 --> 00:02:45,397
- You're supposed to make me lunch.
- Oh, crap.

53
00:02:46,282 --> 00:02:48,855
This isn't helping my stress level.

54
00:02:50,327 --> 00:02:52,817
I forget. Why are you here
in the middle of the week?

55
00:02:53,036 --> 00:02:56,120
- Because my mom's on vacation.
- From what?

56
00:02:56,539 --> 00:02:57,950
Me.

57
00:03:01,751 --> 00:03:04,786
A word of advice: Don't date women
who live near the airport.

58
00:03:05,254 --> 00:03:07,826
It's impossible to sleep in.

59
00:03:08,464 --> 00:03:10,871
I'll try to remember that.

60
00:03:11,091 --> 00:03:14,126
Wish I knew her well enough
to bring her back here.

61
00:03:14,302 --> 00:03:16,590
Well, maybe next time.

62
00:03:16,761 --> 00:03:18,469
Next time?

63
00:03:19,012 --> 00:03:21,848
- My lunch ready?
- It's right here. What are you doing?

64
00:03:22,015 --> 00:03:24,470
- That was for Jake.
- I don't see his name on it.

65
00:03:30,604 --> 00:03:33,095
Okay, fine. You'Il...
You'll have half a sandwich...

66
00:03:33,273 --> 00:03:37,435
...and a banana,
and maybe an orange, and...

67
00:03:37,609 --> 00:03:40,231
...what the hell, an artichoke.

68
00:03:41,737 --> 00:03:42,769
An artichoke?

69
00:03:44,155 --> 00:03:46,396
Maybe you can trade it
for something good.

70
00:03:47,157 --> 00:03:49,445
With who? One of the slow kids?

71
00:03:49,659 --> 00:03:52,066
Give it a shot. Tell him it's a puppy.

72
00:03:53,329 --> 00:03:55,071
Come on, let's go.

73
00:03:56,039 --> 00:03:59,821
I forgot. I have to write five insightful
questions I'd ask George Washington.

74
00:04:00,042 --> 00:04:02,283
What? Last night
you said you had no homework.

75
00:04:02,668 --> 00:04:05,124
Dad, I just said I forgot.

76
00:04:07,338 --> 00:04:12,130
- Okay, fine. You'll do it in the car.
- I was planning on doing math in the car.

77
00:04:14,302 --> 00:04:15,796
President Washington.

78
00:04:15,970 --> 00:04:17,796
Question number one:

79
00:04:17,972 --> 00:04:21,884
"Have you ever thought of coming
back from the dead as a zombie?"

80
00:04:23,516 --> 00:04:26,221
Jake, I don't think that's
what your teacher had in mind.

81
00:04:26,852 --> 00:04:28,429
Do you wanna do it?

82
00:04:29,062 --> 00:04:30,473
No, no. You're doing fine.

83
00:04:31,230 --> 00:04:33,187
Question two:

84
00:04:33,358 --> 00:04:36,642
"Can you eat human flesh
with wooden teeth?"

85
00:04:38,319 --> 00:04:40,643
Hi, Lorraine. I'm running a little late.

86
00:04:40,820 --> 00:04:44,983
Could you move my 9:30 to 10,
my 10 to 10:30...

87
00:04:45,156 --> 00:04:47,825
...and, well,
you see where this is going.

88
00:04:48,909 --> 00:04:50,533
You don't?

89
00:04:51,537 --> 00:04:53,860
Hang on, I've got somebody
on the other line.

90
00:04:54,497 --> 00:04:55,955
Hello.

91
00:04:56,122 --> 00:05:00,452
Oh, hi, Mom. Look, I can't talk
right now. I'm driving Jake to school.

92
00:05:00,667 --> 00:05:03,240
Well, Judith's in Hawaii.

93
00:05:03,796 --> 00:05:06,581
No, that does not make me
a doormat.

94
00:05:07,714 --> 00:05:10,749
Patsy is just another word
for doormat, Mom.

95
00:05:11,133 --> 00:05:14,299
l... Lo... I gotta go. I'll call you later.

96
00:05:16,054 --> 00:05:17,463
Hi, Lorraine. I'm back.

97
00:05:17,680 --> 00:05:19,672
No, no, don't put me on hold.

98
00:05:20,181 --> 00:05:21,591
Question three:

99
00:05:21,974 --> 00:05:25,343
"Do you think the Revolutionary War
would have been won sooner...

100
00:05:25,519 --> 00:05:28,388
...if you had an army of the undead?"

101
00:05:30,897 --> 00:05:33,388
This is actually pretty easy.

102
00:05:34,149 --> 00:05:37,019
Lorraine, this is Dr. Harper.

103
00:05:37,818 --> 00:05:40,938
Listen, I'm... I'm gonna be there
in about 40 minutes.

104
00:05:41,363 --> 00:05:43,734
What do you mean,
you're going home?

105
00:05:43,948 --> 00:05:47,529
Oh, come on.
You were premenstrual two weeks ago.

106
00:05:48,201 --> 00:05:50,240
Yes, I keep track.

107
00:05:50,953 --> 00:05:52,577
Question number four:

108
00:05:52,746 --> 00:05:56,992
"What's your opinion of the new,
faster-walking zombies?"

109
00:05:57,374 --> 00:05:59,081
No, no, no. Lor... Lorraine.

110
00:05:59,251 --> 00:06:00,993
Don't cry. Please don't cry.

111
00:06:07,006 --> 00:06:09,413
Charlie, I'm going home.

112
00:06:29,731 --> 00:06:33,430
How many times
have I asked you not to do that?

113
00:06:33,858 --> 00:06:37,191
- I'm going home.
- I suppose you want me to pay you.

114
00:06:37,402 --> 00:06:40,486
Not necessary.
I took the money out of your wallet.

115
00:06:42,114 --> 00:06:45,482
- Fine.
- Guess what? I got a raise.

116
00:06:46,700 --> 00:06:48,324
Congratulations.

117
00:06:48,535 --> 00:06:53,575
- You wanna know why I got a raise?
- No, I'm sure I had my reasons.

118
00:06:54,915 --> 00:06:58,781
Because when I took this job,
all I had to do was clean up after you.

119
00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:01,918
And while that may
have been disgusting, it was doable.

120
00:07:03,004 --> 00:07:07,830
And then your brother moved in, which
I accepted with my usual good humor...

121
00:07:08,007 --> 00:07:12,299
...because he cleans up after himself
like a neurotic raccoon.

122
00:07:13,511 --> 00:07:15,171
This is about the kid, right?

123
00:07:15,387 --> 00:07:18,470
Good for you.
That's why you're the boss.

124
00:07:19,682 --> 00:07:22,800
He's just here for a week.
It's a temporary situation.

125
00:07:23,017 --> 00:07:25,721
And yet my raise is permanent.

126
00:07:26,687 --> 00:07:28,145
Sounds fair.

127
00:07:28,605 --> 00:07:30,643
God, what a horrible day.

128
00:07:31,107 --> 00:07:33,313
- Tell me about it.
- Show of hands:

129
00:07:33,775 --> 00:07:36,313
Who spent their day
pre-soaking the shorts of a kid...

130
00:07:36,526 --> 00:07:39,481
...who leaves more skid marks
than a getaway car?

131
00:07:41,239 --> 00:07:42,816
That's what I thought.

132
00:07:42,990 --> 00:07:45,445
Now, if you ladies will excuse me...

133
00:07:46,159 --> 00:07:49,609
...I have three buses to catch.

134
00:07:53,121 --> 00:07:55,659
I bet she catches them by hand.

135
00:07:56,875 --> 00:07:59,080
Yeah, well, I have my own problems.

136
00:07:59,251 --> 00:08:02,120
I was late for work,
my receptionist went home early...

137
00:08:02,296 --> 00:08:06,339
...because, apparently, she has
the reproductive cycle of a jackrabbit...

138
00:08:06,798 --> 00:08:10,380
...and then I had a large,
drunk Samoan man walk in...

139
00:08:10,551 --> 00:08:15,011
...who thought that chiropractor means
"massage with happy ending."

140
00:08:16,555 --> 00:08:20,599
I kept trying to crack his back and
he kept rolling over and winking at me.

141
00:08:21,600 --> 00:08:23,842
- Wow, that's creepy.
- Tell me about it.

142
00:08:24,268 --> 00:08:26,344
So you're gonna see him again?

143
00:08:27,063 --> 00:08:30,929
Or should I say,
are you gonna see him Samoa?

144
00:08:33,776 --> 00:08:35,104
Oh, come on. That was funny.

145
00:08:35,277 --> 00:08:37,518
Oh, yeah. It's hilarious.

146
00:08:38,279 --> 00:08:40,270
You know what your problem is?

147
00:08:40,447 --> 00:08:44,028
- You don't drink enough.
- You're probably right.

148
00:08:44,200 --> 00:08:48,575
This is the first time today I've had a
chance to just sit down and decompress.

149
00:08:50,746 --> 00:08:53,152
- Cheers?
- Oh, cheers.

150
00:08:54,498 --> 00:08:55,909
Oh, that's good.

151
00:08:56,083 --> 00:08:58,917
I keep having this nagging feeling
that I forgot something.

152
00:08:59,126 --> 00:09:02,541
- lf you forgot it, it wasn't important.
- Yeah, I guess.

153
00:09:17,306 --> 00:09:19,797
I can't believe you forgot me.

154
00:09:20,016 --> 00:09:22,340
I said I'm sorry.

155
00:09:22,519 --> 00:09:23,929
You forgot me.

156
00:09:24,102 --> 00:09:26,344
I know. I feel terrible.

157
00:09:26,520 --> 00:09:28,928
How many kids you got?

158
00:09:30,357 --> 00:09:32,930
- There's a towel on the floor, buddy.
- I'm okay.

159
00:09:33,443 --> 00:09:37,688
I want you to sit on it so you don't leave
a wet ass-print on my leather seats.

160
00:09:38,028 --> 00:09:39,405
You forgot me too.

161
00:09:39,613 --> 00:09:41,238
Yeah, but I'm just your uncle.

162
00:09:41,406 --> 00:09:42,817
He's your father.

163
00:09:43,032 --> 00:09:44,574
Yeah, my own father.

164
00:09:44,950 --> 00:09:46,278
Thanks, Charlie.

165
00:09:46,452 --> 00:09:48,361
Is there any way
I can make it up to you?

166
00:09:48,536 --> 00:09:51,571
- You wanna go out for a special dinner?
- No.

167
00:09:51,748 --> 00:09:53,325
- How about a movie?
- Why?

168
00:09:53,498 --> 00:09:55,076
You're gonna leave me there too?

169
00:09:56,416 --> 00:09:59,500
For the last time, I am sorry.

170
00:09:59,711 --> 00:10:01,667
Won't be the last time.

171
00:10:02,129 --> 00:10:04,287
I just wanna go home.
I'm cold and I'm wet.

172
00:10:04,506 --> 00:10:09,001
If you kick the back of my seat again,
you're gonna be colder and wetter.

173
00:10:10,094 --> 00:10:11,884
Ease up on him.
He's had a rough day.

174
00:10:12,095 --> 00:10:14,845
Yeah, my dad left me out in the rain.

175
00:10:15,471 --> 00:10:17,345
I'm sorry.

176
00:10:17,557 --> 00:10:19,099
What did I tell you?

177
00:10:21,686 --> 00:10:23,344
What's all this stuff on the floor?

178
00:10:23,519 --> 00:10:26,472
I don't know. Junk mail.
Parking tickets.

179
00:10:26,646 --> 00:10:29,350
- What's this?
- Satin blindfold.

180
00:10:30,733 --> 00:10:33,269
- For what?
- What do you mean, "For what"?

181
00:10:33,443 --> 00:10:34,770
In case I run into...

182
00:10:36,903 --> 00:10:38,397
...a piñata.

183
00:10:40,073 --> 00:10:42,230
- You're unbelievable.
- Don't judge.

184
00:10:42,408 --> 00:10:44,945
You felt up a Samoan dude.

185
00:10:46,410 --> 00:10:50,489
Hey, this is for me. From the IRS.

186
00:10:50,663 --> 00:10:53,284
It was mailed a month ago.

187
00:10:54,624 --> 00:10:56,996
Damn post office.

188
00:10:58,211 --> 00:11:00,286
Oh, perfect.

189
00:11:00,462 --> 00:11:03,378
- Just freaking perfect.
- Good news?

190
00:11:04,715 --> 00:11:06,457
I'm being audited.

191
00:11:06,633 --> 00:11:08,211
They wanna see me tomorrow.

192
00:11:08,593 --> 00:11:10,714
Oh, well, look at the upside.

193
00:11:11,094 --> 00:11:12,885
What upside?

194
00:11:14,305 --> 00:11:15,928
Yeah, okay, you got me.

195
00:11:16,849 --> 00:11:18,887
How could you forget
to give this to me?

196
00:11:19,476 --> 00:11:22,926
I don't know. How could you
forget your only son in the rain?

197
00:11:23,312 --> 00:11:25,717
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Watch the cleats.

198
00:11:31,901 --> 00:11:35,849
Let's go, sleepyhead.
Rise and shine, up and at 'em.

199
00:11:36,071 --> 00:11:40,019
Get out of my room
or I'll kill you with my bare hands.

200
00:11:40,239 --> 00:11:43,075
I'm being audited today.
You have to take Jake to school.

201
00:11:43,283 --> 00:11:45,110
Put him in a cab.

202
00:11:45,452 --> 00:11:47,408
Oh, please. I am counting on you.

203
00:11:47,621 --> 00:11:50,241
Then you're headed
for disappointment.

204
00:11:50,705 --> 00:11:53,622
You need to get Jake dressed,
make him his lunch...

205
00:11:53,791 --> 00:11:56,744
...and get him to school by 8, okay?
- Okay.

206
00:11:57,794 --> 00:11:59,952
- You're not moving.
- Yes, I am.

207
00:12:00,171 --> 00:12:02,293
I'm flipping you off under the covers.

208
00:12:04,882 --> 00:12:07,004
Get up!

209
00:12:08,843 --> 00:12:10,882
All right, I'm up.

210
00:12:11,303 --> 00:12:13,461
So you know what to do with Jake?

211
00:12:13,638 --> 00:12:16,211
You have to be responsible.
You have to be me today.

212
00:12:16,389 --> 00:12:19,639
- Think you can handle that?
- You left him out in the rain yesterday.

213
00:12:19,810 --> 00:12:21,718
It's not like you set the bar real high.

214
00:12:22,727 --> 00:12:24,185
- Charlie.
- Relax.

215
00:12:24,355 --> 00:12:26,726
I think I'm capable
of getting your kid to school.

216
00:12:26,897 --> 00:12:29,684
Good, because I really need your help.

217
00:12:30,484 --> 00:12:34,396
So... So I'm gonna leave now.

218
00:12:36,113 --> 00:12:38,069
You're all set, right?

219
00:12:38,281 --> 00:12:39,775
Charlie?

220
00:12:48,705 --> 00:12:51,277
Get up!

221
00:12:56,876 --> 00:12:58,703
Get dressed.
I'm taking you to school.

222
00:12:59,170 --> 00:13:01,458
I can't. I'm sick.

223
00:13:01,922 --> 00:13:04,247
Yeah, well, bite me.

224
00:13:05,007 --> 00:13:07,165
- Hey.
- Don't... Don't screw with me, shorty.

225
00:13:07,343 --> 00:13:09,715
I only got, like,
nine hours of sleep last night.

226
00:13:11,511 --> 00:13:14,548
- Now get dressed.
- I'm supposed to take a shower first.

227
00:13:18,266 --> 00:13:19,595
Sit near a window.

228
00:13:23,478 --> 00:13:26,929
- Here, put these on.
- I wore these yesterday.

229
00:13:27,148 --> 00:13:30,397
They're still extremely stylish.
Put them on.

230
00:13:31,444 --> 00:13:34,727
- Can I have some privacy, please?
- For what? You're 11.

231
00:13:34,945 --> 00:13:37,316
That's close to puberty.

232
00:13:38,281 --> 00:13:40,273
Okay, okay.

233
00:13:42,241 --> 00:13:43,570
I'm leaving.

234
00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:51,237
What am I, nuts?

235
00:14:03,299 --> 00:14:05,624
Get up!

236
00:14:08,469 --> 00:14:10,295
I could have dressed myself,
you know.

237
00:14:10,470 --> 00:14:12,795
You had your chance.

238
00:14:12,971 --> 00:14:15,095
I look stupid.

239
00:14:15,557 --> 00:14:18,473
Yeah, well, you're close to puberty.

240
00:14:18,684 --> 00:14:20,058
Oh, I forgot to comb my hair.

241
00:14:20,269 --> 00:14:23,019
No, no, no. I'll do it.

242
00:14:24,521 --> 00:14:25,979
That's spit.

243
00:14:26,190 --> 00:14:30,056
Hey, one man's saliva is another
man's mousse. Now shut up.

244
00:14:30,734 --> 00:14:32,691
There, you're beautiful. Let's go.

245
00:14:33,279 --> 00:14:35,899
- What about lunch?
- Sorry, I have plans.

246
00:14:37,322 --> 00:14:39,030
No, you're supposed to
make me lunch.

247
00:14:40,116 --> 00:14:42,404
Oh, all right, come on.

248
00:14:44,245 --> 00:14:47,030
You're not really a morning person,
are you?

249
00:14:47,205 --> 00:14:50,038
You're just saying that
because I spit on your head.

250
00:14:51,957 --> 00:14:54,792
- You like cold pizza, right?
- Sure.

251
00:15:01,047 --> 00:15:03,289
- This is frozen.
- Yeah. If you sit on it...

252
00:15:03,466 --> 00:15:05,504
...it'll thaw by lunch.

253
00:15:09,304 --> 00:15:12,008
My butt is freezing.

254
00:15:13,848 --> 00:15:15,175
You wanted pizza.

255
00:15:17,392 --> 00:15:19,348
All right, I'll put the seat warmer on.

256
00:15:19,518 --> 00:15:21,724
Cook it from both sides.

257
00:15:21,937 --> 00:15:25,684
- I like it better when my dad takes me.
- Oh, gee, you're not having fun?

258
00:15:25,856 --> 00:15:28,346
Because I'm farting rainbows
over here.

259
00:15:29,193 --> 00:15:31,896
First, he forgets me.
Now he leaves me with you.

260
00:15:32,360 --> 00:15:33,689
Hey, you know what?

261
00:15:33,862 --> 00:15:36,815
Your father works like a dog
to make sure you have everything.

262
00:15:37,322 --> 00:15:38,733
If he's not there for you...

263
00:15:38,907 --> 00:15:42,738
...it's just because he's trying
to stay out of federal prison.

264
00:15:46,329 --> 00:15:48,072
I think he needs to have sex.

265
00:15:49,747 --> 00:15:51,408
I was kidding about prison, Jake.

266
00:15:54,168 --> 00:15:55,959
What do you mean
he needs to have sex?

267
00:15:56,336 --> 00:15:58,127
Well, he's been really grumpy lately.

268
00:15:58,296 --> 00:16:01,499
You're usually in a good mood.
I figure it's because you have sex.

269
00:16:02,882 --> 00:16:06,879
Jake, it takes more than sex
to make a man happy.

270
00:16:08,052 --> 00:16:09,381
You also need money.

271
00:16:13,723 --> 00:16:15,430
All right, have a good day.

272
00:16:15,599 --> 00:16:18,137
- Learn something.
- This isn't my school.

273
00:16:19,102 --> 00:16:22,470
- What do you mean?
- I mean, I don't go to school here.

274
00:16:24,189 --> 00:16:26,182
Well, where do you go to school?

275
00:16:26,398 --> 00:16:28,271
Woodward Avenue Elementary.

276
00:16:28,484 --> 00:16:32,527
- And where the hell is that?
- Woodward Avenue, I guess.

277
00:16:33,945 --> 00:16:37,314
I don't know why you can't
tough it out here for one day.

278
00:16:37,490 --> 00:16:39,482
Make some new friends.

279
00:16:41,117 --> 00:16:42,660
Hey, Alan, it's Charlie.

280
00:16:42,827 --> 00:16:46,776
Look, I wanna ask you something but I
don't want you to read anything into it.

281
00:16:46,997 --> 00:16:48,953
Where exactly is Jake's school?

282
00:16:49,123 --> 00:16:51,494
<i>You don 't know where his school is?</i>

283
00:16:51,667 --> 00:16:53,575
<i>What the hell is wrong with you?</i>

284
00:16:53,752 --> 00:16:57,499
<i>- Are you trying to kill me?
- You could be right about the sex thing.</i>

285
00:17:00,381 --> 00:17:02,669
Okay, Woodward Avenue
Elementary School.

286
00:17:02,883 --> 00:17:04,340
Looks like they're closed.

287
00:17:04,509 --> 00:17:09,051
That's because I'm an hour late.
Even the crossing guard is gone.

288
00:17:11,097 --> 00:17:14,881
How about this? Why don't you just
bag school and we'll go catch a movie.

289
00:17:15,558 --> 00:17:18,677
- I can't skip school. I'm in the play.
- What play?

290
00:17:18,894 --> 00:17:21,349
The founding fathers' play.
You'll be there, right?

291
00:17:21,854 --> 00:17:24,095
Why would I be there?

292
00:17:24,398 --> 00:17:29,022
Because Mom's in Hawaii and Dad's got
that tax thing and you're all that's left.

293
00:17:30,235 --> 00:17:31,860
Oh, I'm all that's left.

294
00:17:32,070 --> 00:17:34,146
Hey, I'm not thrilled about it either.

295
00:17:35,781 --> 00:17:37,654
Okay. Where and when?

296
00:17:37,866 --> 00:17:39,822
In the auditorium after lunch.

297
00:17:40,034 --> 00:17:41,943
Oh, yeah. I need
a Ben Franklin costume.

298
00:17:42,620 --> 00:17:44,161
You're telling me this now?

299
00:17:44,370 --> 00:17:46,362
I told Mom but she's in Hawaii.

300
00:17:47,539 --> 00:17:49,330
All right.

301
00:17:49,624 --> 00:17:53,122
Let's see.
Washington, Jackson, Lincoln.

302
00:17:53,293 --> 00:17:55,617
Here we go. Benjamin Franklin.

303
00:17:56,129 --> 00:17:58,417
Why can't you be Lincoln?

304
00:17:58,755 --> 00:18:01,327
A beard, a mole, a top hat,
we're done.

305
00:18:01,549 --> 00:18:04,217
Because Lincoln
wasn't a founding father.

306
00:18:06,011 --> 00:18:07,967
Okay, I'll see what I can do.

307
00:18:08,179 --> 00:18:10,217
Now get out of here.

308
00:18:13,307 --> 00:18:14,849
Hey.

309
00:18:16,434 --> 00:18:18,391
You forgot your lunch.

310
00:18:18,561 --> 00:18:20,352
Hey.

311
00:18:26,525 --> 00:18:29,062
God, what a day.

312
00:18:29,235 --> 00:18:30,977
I don't wanna hear it.

313
00:18:31,153 --> 00:18:33,478
You know why I was being audited?

314
00:18:33,989 --> 00:18:38,316
Not because I have unsubstantiated
deductions. Which I have.

315
00:18:38,492 --> 00:18:41,492
Not because I take the occasional
cash payment from a client...

316
00:18:41,660 --> 00:18:44,329
...and forget to report it. Which I do.

317
00:18:44,496 --> 00:18:46,951
It was because no one at the IRS...

318
00:18:47,123 --> 00:18:51,665
...could believe I was paying
as much alimony as I claimed.

319
00:18:52,793 --> 00:18:55,710
It took me three hours
to convince them that, yes...

320
00:18:55,879 --> 00:18:58,500
...I am that big a schmuck.

321
00:18:59,339 --> 00:19:01,876
Oh, boo-hoo.

322
00:19:02,967 --> 00:19:05,209
You want a real fun time?

323
00:19:05,385 --> 00:19:08,005
Try finding an extra small
Ben Franklin costume...

324
00:19:08,180 --> 00:19:09,839
...at 9:00 in the morning.

325
00:19:10,597 --> 00:19:14,012
Oh, right. The play. How was it?

326
00:19:14,642 --> 00:19:17,310
Boffo. A smash.

327
00:19:18,477 --> 00:19:22,012
Among the highlights were a 12-year-old
Chinese George Washington...

328
00:19:22,189 --> 00:19:25,023
...with a powdered wig
and a snot bubble...

329
00:19:25,817 --> 00:19:28,353
...and your kid in a bald cap
and granny glasses...

330
00:19:28,527 --> 00:19:33,235
...holding a Tweety Bird kite and
announcing he's discovered elasticity.

331
00:19:33,947 --> 00:19:36,319
- Oh, I wish I'd seen it.
- Don't worry, you will.

332
00:19:36,490 --> 00:19:39,360
It was videotaped
from about 150 different angles.

333
00:19:39,702 --> 00:19:41,693
I should tell him
I'm sorry I wasn't there.

334
00:19:41,911 --> 00:19:44,580
- Yeah, you should.
- Is he in his room?

335
00:20:14,351 --> 00:20:16,473
Here you go, pal. Your favorite.

336
00:20:16,644 --> 00:20:18,683
Bacon double cheeseburger
and cheese fries.

337
00:20:18,853 --> 00:20:22,056
And for dessert, I got fudge brownies
with that ice cream you like.

338
00:20:22,273 --> 00:20:24,597
Is this supposed to
make up for everything?

339
00:20:26,651 --> 00:20:28,524
- Yeah.
- Pretty much.

340
00:20:29,528 --> 00:20:32,481
Look, Jake, I know it's been rough
and I'm sorry.

341
00:20:32,697 --> 00:20:35,152
We're human, we make mistakes.
But I promise you...

342
00:20:35,323 --> 00:20:39,189
...neither of us will ever,
ever forget to pick you up again.

343
00:20:39,369 --> 00:20:41,858
Yeah, I still wanna go back to Mom's.

344
00:20:42,037 --> 00:20:44,871
When is she coming home
from Hawaii, anyway?

345
00:20:47,916 --> 00:20:49,743
Oh, crap.