1
00:00:02,886 --> 00:00:05,461
Well, this is gonna be
a sucky weekend.

2
00:00:05,682 --> 00:00:10,014
Try spending it with an 11 -year-old
who does nothing but complain.

3
00:00:10,564 --> 00:00:12,393
You mean me?

4
00:00:12,567 --> 00:00:15,772
Boy, no wonder they got to
write your name in your underwear.

5
00:00:17,074 --> 00:00:19,364
What am I supposed to do?

6
00:00:19,536 --> 00:00:21,744
- Watch TV.
- There's nothing on.

7
00:00:21,915 --> 00:00:24,122
- Play a video game.
- I've played them all.

8
00:00:24,294 --> 00:00:26,253
- Read a book.
- Yeah, right.

9
00:00:26,422 --> 00:00:28,166
Who's the moron now?

10
00:00:29,634 --> 00:00:33,006
Okay. Here's a rainy day activity.

11
00:00:33,181 --> 00:00:36,387
There are 12 college basketball games on
this weekend.

12
00:00:36,562 --> 00:00:38,686
Dial this number, and ask for Coop.

13
00:00:38,900 --> 00:00:42,899
Tell him you're calling for Mr. Bojingles
and write down everything he tells you.

14
00:00:43,114 --> 00:00:44,942
Do I get to make
some picks this time?

15
00:00:45,159 --> 00:00:48,245
- You got money?
- lf you pay me what you owe me.

16
00:00:48,456 --> 00:00:51,541
Well, you're getting an education here.
That's priceless.

17
00:00:53,129 --> 00:00:56,382
- What's going on?
- Just talking about picking colleges.

18
00:00:56,593 --> 00:00:59,050
- I like Duke.
- Over Wake Forest?

19
00:00:59,264 --> 00:01:00,973
Got a hunch.

20
00:01:01,809 --> 00:01:03,684
You've got him thinking about college?

21
00:01:03,896 --> 00:01:07,563
You're welcome.
So how'd it go at the doctor?

22
00:01:08,487 --> 00:01:10,480
Sit down,
I have to tell you something.

23
00:01:10,656 --> 00:01:12,235
What?

24
00:01:14,955 --> 00:01:16,865
The doctor wants me
to have a procedure.

25
00:01:17,417 --> 00:01:19,541
- What kind of procedure?
- He says I'm fine...

26
00:01:19,712 --> 00:01:22,917
...and it's routine,
but I'm really freaked out about it.

27
00:01:23,133 --> 00:01:24,712
What procedure?

28
00:01:25,346 --> 00:01:26,840
A colonoscopy.

29
00:01:27,057 --> 00:01:29,762
Oh, jeez, Alan, that's no big deal.

30
00:01:29,936 --> 00:01:32,724
They're just gonna shove
a camera up your ass.

31
00:01:34,610 --> 00:01:37,529
Okay, in all future references
to this procedure...

32
00:01:37,697 --> 00:01:42,576
...can we please use
the word "glide" or "slide"...

33
00:01:42,746 --> 00:01:45,073
...as opposed to "shove."

34
00:01:45,292 --> 00:01:48,212
Don't sweat it. Every guy eventually
has to get one of those.

35
00:01:48,381 --> 00:01:51,087
- It's strictly a fact-finding mission.
- You've had one?

36
00:01:51,301 --> 00:01:52,677
No, you crazy?

37
00:01:52,845 --> 00:01:56,181
But I hear there's nothing
to worry about. It's a tiny little camera.

38
00:01:56,350 --> 00:01:59,104
In the old days, they'd send
a sketch artist up there.

39
00:02:01,192 --> 00:02:02,984
Besides, you're unconscious.

40
00:02:03,195 --> 00:02:07,029
That's what I'm worried about.
I'll be in a very vulnerable position.

41
00:02:07,201 --> 00:02:10,702
- They could do anything.
- Alan, it's not a pirate ship.

42
00:02:12,167 --> 00:02:14,541
Just relax.
It'll be over before you know it.

43
00:02:14,712 --> 00:02:17,833
Yeah. I'll bet that's what they say
on pirate ships.

44
00:02:50,475 --> 00:02:51,935
- Damn it.
- What?

45
00:02:52,103 --> 00:02:53,681
The sink's stopped up again.

46
00:02:53,855 --> 00:02:57,226
That kid doesn't know the difference
between the garbage and the drain.

47
00:02:57,904 --> 00:03:00,740
- What do you want? He's 11.
- That's no excuse.

48
00:03:00,908 --> 00:03:04,659
If he can't tell which hole is which
at his age, he's headed for trouble.

49
00:03:26,530 --> 00:03:28,275
How about that?

50
00:03:28,867 --> 00:03:31,324
Oh, God, I had the worst nightmares.

51
00:03:31,495 --> 00:03:33,158
Pirate ships?

52
00:03:33,332 --> 00:03:35,160
Full-service gas stations.

53
00:03:35,961 --> 00:03:37,670
I fail to see the connection.

54
00:03:38,174 --> 00:03:41,794
Cold steel nozzles
going into openings.

55
00:03:43,223 --> 00:03:45,466
Dipsticks being pulled out.

56
00:03:47,104 --> 00:03:48,729
Do I have to draw you a picture?

57
00:03:49,274 --> 00:03:50,602
You know what?

58
00:03:50,776 --> 00:03:53,066
You need to get your mind off
this colonoscopy.

59
00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:56,651
Come on! Get in there, you sucker!

60
00:04:03,963 --> 00:04:06,252
Easy for you to say.

61
00:04:06,925 --> 00:04:08,255
How about this?

62
00:04:08,428 --> 00:04:11,549
How about we hop in the car
and go to Vegas for a couple of days?

63
00:04:12,058 --> 00:04:13,601
Just like that? What about Jake?

64
00:04:13,811 --> 00:04:16,053
Oh, yeah, Jake.

65
00:04:16,231 --> 00:04:19,566
Okay, how about this, we get him
a fake mustache and a hat...

66
00:04:19,737 --> 00:04:22,229
...and tell everybody his mother
was a heavy smoker.

67
00:04:23,284 --> 00:04:25,408
- I don't think so.
- We can still bring him...

68
00:04:25,579 --> 00:04:28,415
...come on, it's the perfect solution.
The kid's bored...

69
00:04:28,583 --> 00:04:31,373
...and you're all puckered up
over this colonoscopy thing.

70
00:04:31,588 --> 00:04:35,920
It just won't go in.

71
00:04:39,141 --> 00:04:42,013
- Well, it is a three-day weekend.
- Exactly.

72
00:04:42,187 --> 00:04:46,057
And I got 2 grand in my pocket that's
itching to turn into $ 12 and a hangover.

73
00:04:46,987 --> 00:04:49,479
Come on, we can be there
in like four hours.

74
00:04:49,657 --> 00:04:52,066
Unless you drive,
in which case I'm not going.

75
00:04:52,286 --> 00:04:53,912
Perfect, now I can't get it out.

76
00:04:57,168 --> 00:04:59,293
You know what? Why not?
One way or another...

77
00:04:59,464 --> 00:05:02,419
...I'm gonna get reamed.
I might as well enjoy a free buffet.

78
00:05:02,636 --> 00:05:05,508
Great. Go grab a toothbrush
and we'll hit the road.

79
00:05:12,818 --> 00:05:14,811
Pinky? Berta.

80
00:05:14,988 --> 00:05:19,201
Order a keg and call the gang,
I got the house until Tuesday.

81
00:05:19,703 --> 00:05:21,282
Okay, we're gonna need two rooms.

82
00:05:21,456 --> 00:05:23,366
One for Alan Harper and son...

83
00:05:23,542 --> 00:05:27,625
...and one for Charlie Harper and
a cocktail waitress to be named later.

84
00:05:29,301 --> 00:05:31,045
No, I don't want connecting rooms.

85
00:05:31,221 --> 00:05:33,297
Weren't you listening?

86
00:05:33,516 --> 00:05:36,305
In fact, put mine on a different floor.

87
00:05:36,521 --> 00:05:38,479
Come on, let's go.

88
00:05:38,691 --> 00:05:41,230
Now, what's playing
in your showroom?

89
00:05:41,404 --> 00:05:44,359
<i>Nude Legends on Ice. Sweet.</i>

90
00:05:44,574 --> 00:05:46,652
Okay, this may
sound like a dumb question...

91
00:05:46,827 --> 00:05:48,906
...but is it a family show?

92
00:05:50,959 --> 00:05:54,164
Well, what if the kid had a mustache?

93
00:05:55,466 --> 00:05:59,300
All right. He'll just have to stay in
the room and watch scrambled porn.

94
00:06:02,018 --> 00:06:05,305
- You could help me, you know.
- No, you're doing okay.

95
00:06:06,984 --> 00:06:10,070
- Where's your clean underwear?
- I'm wearing it.

96
00:06:10,739 --> 00:06:13,909
- That's all you brought for the weekend?
- It's only three days.

97
00:06:14,537 --> 00:06:16,496
All right, we'll pick some up there.

98
00:06:16,707 --> 00:06:19,081
They'd last five days
if I turn them inside out.

99
00:06:23,635 --> 00:06:25,295
What's going on? Aren't you ready?

100
00:06:25,471 --> 00:06:28,010
- I'm packing Jake.
- For what, college?

101
00:06:29,434 --> 00:06:31,724
- What the hell's this?
- So he can go swimming.

102
00:06:31,938 --> 00:06:35,439
- Where?
- They have pools in Vegas, Charlie.

103
00:06:36,362 --> 00:06:39,983
Why don't you bring a frying pan,
they got kitchens too.

104
00:06:40,201 --> 00:06:43,573
- Let's see. Sport jacket.
- He doesn't need a sport jacket.

105
00:06:43,748 --> 00:06:45,706
What if we take him someplace nice?

106
00:06:45,877 --> 00:06:47,372
Take him someplace nice?

107
00:06:47,588 --> 00:06:50,755
Alan, if I wanna throw away money,
I'll play keno.

108
00:06:51,385 --> 00:06:53,924
- Can I gamble in Vegas?
- No.

109
00:06:54,139 --> 00:06:56,714
- Why am I going?
- Because all the kennels are full.

110
00:06:59,188 --> 00:07:00,898
Now, come on. Let's go.

111
00:07:01,067 --> 00:07:04,982
- Charlie, I haven't packed myself yet.
- What've you been doing?

112
00:07:05,198 --> 00:07:06,776
I changed the phone message...

113
00:07:06,950 --> 00:07:10,403
...to tell people we'd be out of town,
I put together a first aid kit...

114
00:07:10,581 --> 00:07:14,331
...I turned the fridge thermostat down,
because it doesn't have to be cold...

115
00:07:14,546 --> 00:07:17,121
...I called the paper
and stopped delivery...

116
00:07:17,300 --> 00:07:19,210
<i>...and I erased an old Mad Libs book...</i>

117
00:07:19,385 --> 00:07:21,961
...so we'd have something
to entertain us in the car.

118
00:07:23,184 --> 00:07:24,429
<i>- Mad Libs, huh?
- Yeah.</i>

119
00:07:24,603 --> 00:07:26,063
Let me see that.

120
00:07:26,230 --> 00:07:29,067
Go get packed!

121
00:07:33,700 --> 00:07:35,408
Wait until you see Vegas, Jake.

122
00:07:35,578 --> 00:07:39,791
There's action everywhere you look,
24 hours a day, seven days a week.

123
00:07:40,001 --> 00:07:41,495
How does that help me?

124
00:07:41,670 --> 00:07:44,673
I can't gamble,
and I have to be in bed at 9:30.

125
00:07:44,842 --> 00:07:47,631
Hey, when we go to Disneyland
do I complain that I hate...

126
00:07:47,804 --> 00:07:51,852
...every aspect of the entire experience?
- Yeah.

127
00:07:54,606 --> 00:07:57,063
Well, then you know how irritating it is.

128
00:07:58,655 --> 00:08:00,565
- Blackjack.
- That's it?

129
00:08:00,783 --> 00:08:02,527
Yep. You owe me another dollar.

130
00:08:03,746 --> 00:08:05,870
- This stinks.
- You wanna quit?

131
00:08:06,082 --> 00:08:07,910
Just deal the cards.

132
00:08:08,127 --> 00:08:10,798
Attaboy.

133
00:08:11,507 --> 00:08:13,300
Uncle Charlie, what's a colonoscopy?

134
00:08:14,387 --> 00:08:17,093
- Didn't your dad tell you?
- He said it was just a test...

135
00:08:17,267 --> 00:08:19,556
...and it was no big deal,
so I looked it up.

136
00:08:20,145 --> 00:08:23,598
- And?
- I don't believe it.

137
00:08:24,193 --> 00:08:26,271
Believe it.

138
00:08:26,781 --> 00:08:29,985
Wouldn't it be easier to go in
the other way?

139
00:08:32,164 --> 00:08:35,500
- You'd think, but no.
- Why do they have to do it?

140
00:08:35,712 --> 00:08:39,960
- They just wanna see what's going on.
- Did Dad lose something?

141
00:08:42,137 --> 00:08:46,683
Because when I swallowed 35 cents,
we just waited for it to come out.

142
00:08:47,520 --> 00:08:51,603
- No kidding.
- Yeah, but I only got 30 cents back.

143
00:08:53,322 --> 00:08:55,648
Well, the house always takes a cut.

144
00:08:58,454 --> 00:09:01,160
- What're you gonna do?
- Hit me.

145
00:09:01,375 --> 00:09:03,535
Okay, okay.
In Vegas, you don't say, "Hit me."

146
00:09:03,711 --> 00:09:05,622
If you want a card, you go like this.

147
00:09:05,841 --> 00:09:07,501
Okay, fine.

148
00:09:10,639 --> 00:09:14,509
- Busted. You owe me another dollar.
- What if I didn't want another card?

149
00:09:15,062 --> 00:09:16,688
You go like this.

150
00:09:17,274 --> 00:09:19,268
That's what I meant to do.

151
00:09:20,779 --> 00:09:23,355
There's no do-overs in Vegas.

152
00:09:23,576 --> 00:09:25,866
What's the signal
to go to the bathroom?

153
00:09:26,079 --> 00:09:28,406
There is no signal,
you just get up and go.

154
00:09:28,583 --> 00:09:32,085
Unless you're on a hot streak,
in which case you sit and wet yourself.

155
00:09:32,297 --> 00:09:35,798
- You're kidding, right?
- You're wearing a $50 pair of slacks...

156
00:09:35,970 --> 00:09:38,462
...and you got $600 on the table,
do the math.

157
00:09:39,225 --> 00:09:42,560
I have to do math and pee my pants?

158
00:09:46,736 --> 00:09:48,018
Alan, are you ready yet?

159
00:09:48,238 --> 00:09:49,568
Just about.

160
00:09:49,782 --> 00:09:53,914
- And where'd I get the $600?
- You've been saying that for 20 minutes.

161
00:09:54,081 --> 00:09:57,332
- What are you doing?
- Financial planning.

162
00:09:58,922 --> 00:10:01,247
I don't wanna look, but I gotta.

163
00:10:03,011 --> 00:10:06,262
In class, if we have to go the bathroom,
we do this or this.

164
00:10:06,434 --> 00:10:09,934
- Get it?
- Yeah. I got it.

165
00:10:12,067 --> 00:10:15,438
Two hundred and eighty, 280, 280.

166
00:10:15,614 --> 00:10:18,699
- What the hell are you doing?
- Hang on. Two... Oh, thanks.

167
00:10:18,869 --> 00:10:21,158
Now you made me lose count.

168
00:10:22,082 --> 00:10:25,334
Ten, 10, 10.
Twenty, 20, 20.

169
00:10:25,504 --> 00:10:28,079
Stop it, stop it.
Why are you doing this?

170
00:10:28,675 --> 00:10:31,761
- I have a system.
- Do tell.

171
00:10:31,972 --> 00:10:35,011
I divide my gambling money
into three equal piles.

172
00:10:35,227 --> 00:10:37,055
The first one is for day one.

173
00:10:37,230 --> 00:10:38,809
That I'll put in my money belt.

174
00:10:39,399 --> 00:10:41,690
You're wearing a money belt?

175
00:10:41,862 --> 00:10:43,523
Oh, good, you can't tell.

176
00:10:43,699 --> 00:10:45,407
I was afraid it made me look chunky.

177
00:10:47,203 --> 00:10:51,037
Anyway, the second pile
is for day two. I'll give that to you...

178
00:10:51,210 --> 00:10:54,545
...under no circumstances do you give
it back to me before midnight...

179
00:10:54,715 --> 00:10:56,673
...which would be
the start of day two.

180
00:10:56,885 --> 00:11:00,636
Un-freaking-believable.
What's the last pile for?

181
00:11:01,433 --> 00:11:03,178
That's the most important pile.

182
00:11:03,353 --> 00:11:07,685
That's the money I hide
in my Frye boot.

183
00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:12,989
- In your boot?
- But I pretend that I don't have it...

184
00:11:13,160 --> 00:11:16,365
...so that if disaster strikes
and I've lost piles one and two...

185
00:11:16,541 --> 00:11:20,670
...then I can pull it out,
and poof, I'm solvent again.

186
00:11:21,923 --> 00:11:24,462
- Okay. I think I understand.
- Pretty clever, huh?

187
00:11:24,677 --> 00:11:26,054
Yeah. That's a nice boot.

188
00:11:26,222 --> 00:11:28,096
- Let me see it.
- Oh, sure.

189
00:11:28,266 --> 00:11:31,637
Get dressed and let's go!

190
00:11:47,170 --> 00:11:48,998
Okay.

191
00:11:49,841 --> 00:11:53,045
- Twenty-one!
- Turn over your hole card.

192
00:11:54,472 --> 00:11:56,383
Oh, 27.

193
00:11:56,601 --> 00:11:59,093
Close, 29.

194
00:11:59,815 --> 00:12:01,393
Okay, I'm good.

195
00:12:01,984 --> 00:12:04,393
Alrighty.

196
00:12:13,585 --> 00:12:16,125
Viva Las Vegas.

197
00:12:17,133 --> 00:12:19,375
- Oh, Alan.
- What?

198
00:12:19,595 --> 00:12:22,087
We're going in a Mercedes,
not a time machine.

199
00:12:24,770 --> 00:12:26,265
Should I change?

200
00:12:27,022 --> 00:12:29,812
You should, but after all these years,
I doubt you will.

201
00:12:33,867 --> 00:12:37,487
- What's this?
- Oh, toiletries, sundries, whatnot.

202
00:12:37,663 --> 00:12:40,073
- Really.
- Yeah, you'll thank me.

203
00:12:40,252 --> 00:12:42,624
Not all hotels supply shower caps
and sewing kits.

204
00:12:45,092 --> 00:12:47,216
Get in the car. Jake, come on.

205
00:12:47,387 --> 00:12:51,553
- Hold on a second.
- Oh, for God's sake. Now what?

206
00:12:56,567 --> 00:12:58,478
Okay, let's go.

207
00:13:04,997 --> 00:13:08,832
- Well, you don't have a fever.
- I told you, he's fine. Let's go.

208
00:13:09,003 --> 00:13:12,291
Charlie, he threw up in
your umbrella stand. Did you miss that?

209
00:13:12,509 --> 00:13:15,214
So? Vegas is full of people
who throw up.

210
00:13:17,016 --> 00:13:19,888
They built that city on a sea of vomit.

211
00:13:20,604 --> 00:13:23,275
- I'm okay, I can go.
- That's the spirit.

212
00:13:23,484 --> 00:13:27,614
You wanna drive five hours with a
puking kid in the back of your Mercedes?

213
00:13:27,824 --> 00:13:31,361
He can stick his head out the window.
Let the guy behind us worry.

214
00:13:32,747 --> 00:13:34,576
- We're not going.
- Oh, come on.

215
00:13:34,751 --> 00:13:37,078
- It's probably just something he ate.
- All right.

216
00:13:37,255 --> 00:13:39,165
What have you eaten
in the last 24 hours?

217
00:13:39,342 --> 00:13:41,882
Well, let's see,
two bowls of Cocoa Puffs...

218
00:13:42,054 --> 00:13:46,054
...a couple blueberry Pop-Tarts,
bag of string cheese.

219
00:13:46,227 --> 00:13:48,980
That reminds me,
we need more string cheese.

220
00:13:49,148 --> 00:13:53,018
Then, for lunch, a Hot Pocket
and a Bagel Bite.

221
00:13:53,196 --> 00:13:59,071
Then dinner, fried chicken, mashed
potatoes and a baloney sandwich.

222
00:13:59,706 --> 00:14:01,117
Okay, it's not what he ate.

223
00:14:02,835 --> 00:14:05,958
Then, for a snack, I had a glass of Tang
and some Cheetos.

224
00:14:06,174 --> 00:14:08,666
That explains the orange vomit.

225
00:14:08,886 --> 00:14:10,345
It's probably a stomach virus.

226
00:14:10,556 --> 00:14:12,383
Oh, please. I throw up all the time.

227
00:14:12,559 --> 00:14:15,977
It's just nature's way of saying,
"Everybody out of the pool."

228
00:14:16,189 --> 00:14:19,061
- I'm putting him to bed. Come on.
- They have beds in Vegas.

229
00:14:19,236 --> 00:14:22,155
- What if he needs a doctor?
- They have doctors in Vegas.

230
00:14:22,323 --> 00:14:25,944
I bet if we looked around, we could find
a casino with a hospital theme.

231
00:14:26,163 --> 00:14:29,499
You know, Caesars Sinai
or something.

232
00:14:30,962 --> 00:14:32,754
I'll get it.

233
00:14:34,884 --> 00:14:36,677
Hello? Hey, Mom.

234
00:14:37,514 --> 00:14:39,840
Fine. Nothing.

235
00:14:40,059 --> 00:14:42,302
I threw up in Uncle Charlie's
umbrella stand...

236
00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:46,017
...and we're going to Vegas.
- No!

237
00:14:46,736 --> 00:14:48,564
What kind of a father are you?

238
00:14:48,780 --> 00:14:51,700
I am a good father.
When he threw up, I cancelled the trip.

239
00:14:51,910 --> 00:14:54,783
But you were planning to take
my 11 -year-old to Las Vegas.

240
00:14:55,374 --> 00:14:57,867
It's really a family town now.

241
00:14:59,297 --> 00:15:02,964
The mob hardly has
any influence at all anymore.

242
00:15:03,137 --> 00:15:05,594
Oh, good, Charlie. That helps.

243
00:15:05,807 --> 00:15:07,884
Were you planning on
telling me about this?

244
00:15:08,103 --> 00:15:10,560
What happens in Vegas
stays in Vegas, Mom.

245
00:15:12,317 --> 00:15:14,062
Oh, good, Jake. That helps.

246
00:15:15,280 --> 00:15:18,484
- Honey, why don't you go lie down.
- Why? I'm fine.

247
00:15:18,701 --> 00:15:20,909
Is it too late to get our bets down
with Coop?

248
00:15:21,122 --> 00:15:22,914
- What bets?
- Who's Coop?

249
00:15:23,125 --> 00:15:25,831
Go lie down. You're delirious.

250
00:15:28,133 --> 00:15:32,298
Listen, Judith, I don't think
you understand what's going on here.

251
00:15:32,514 --> 00:15:33,891
- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

252
00:15:34,101 --> 00:15:36,259
- You see, this trip was my idea.
- I'm shocked.

253
00:15:36,437 --> 00:15:38,477
Let me finish.

254
00:15:38,649 --> 00:15:40,523
You see, I wanted to cheer Alan up...

255
00:15:40,735 --> 00:15:42,813
Charlie, don't. It's personal.

256
00:15:42,989 --> 00:15:44,365
She has a right to know.

257
00:15:44,949 --> 00:15:47,988
Judith, Alan got some bad news
from the doctor yesterday.

258
00:15:48,205 --> 00:15:50,495
Oh, my God, Alan. What is it?

259
00:15:50,667 --> 00:15:55,830
Well, the doctor says
I have to have a colonoscopy.

260
00:15:56,050 --> 00:15:59,586
- Are you having problems?
- No, it's just routine.

261
00:15:59,806 --> 00:16:04,470
- So?
- So I'm really nervous about it.

262
00:16:04,689 --> 00:16:06,017
That's it?

263
00:16:06,566 --> 00:16:10,317
Well, it's a long, snaky thing
with a camera.

264
00:16:10,531 --> 00:16:12,691
Oh, please. Your son was
10 pounds at birth...

265
00:16:12,868 --> 00:16:14,944
...and his head was
the same size it is now.

266
00:16:15,997 --> 00:16:18,157
That's kind of apples and oranges,
isn't it?

267
00:16:18,376 --> 00:16:20,370
- Goodbye, Alan.
- Wait, wait, wait, Judith.

268
00:16:20,546 --> 00:16:24,047
- Aren't you gonna take Jake with you?
- No, I'm not taking him. He's fine.

269
00:16:24,219 --> 00:16:28,052
Don't think I don't see what's going.
You put Jake up to telling me he's sick...

270
00:16:28,225 --> 00:16:30,930
...so you could pawn him off
while you went to Las Vegas.

271
00:16:31,145 --> 00:16:33,602
He did throw up.
Smell the umbrella stand.

272
00:16:33,817 --> 00:16:35,975
I'm not buying it.
I'll get him Monday night.

273
00:16:36,152 --> 00:16:38,146
And if I find out
you took him to Vegas...

274
00:16:38,323 --> 00:16:40,732
...you'll get a colonoscopy
from my attorney.

275
00:16:42,872 --> 00:16:45,744
I've seen your alimony checks.

276
00:16:45,918 --> 00:16:48,161
You already got one.

277
00:16:51,302 --> 00:16:52,880
So, what's the deal?
Are we going?

278
00:16:53,095 --> 00:16:55,256
- I don't think so.
- Why? I'm fine.

279
00:16:55,474 --> 00:16:59,094
- Yeah, but your mom said, "No."
- Oh, man.

280
00:16:59,272 --> 00:17:01,811
Don't eat anything orange.

281
00:17:02,819 --> 00:17:05,690
- You wanna know what I think?
- Not at all.

282
00:17:05,907 --> 00:17:08,233
I think if she wanted to
keep you on a leash...

283
00:17:08,411 --> 00:17:12,161
...she shouldn't have divorced you.
- I'm not on a leash. I never was.

284
00:17:12,334 --> 00:17:14,161
You were living here
for three weeks...

285
00:17:14,337 --> 00:17:17,505
...before you were getting up
on the couch without permission.

286
00:17:18,134 --> 00:17:20,211
Can we just drop it?
It was a bad idea.

287
00:17:20,429 --> 00:17:24,429
There are no bad ideas. There's just
a lack of will to execute them.

288
00:17:25,979 --> 00:17:28,555
We're men, Alan. Single men.

289
00:17:28,775 --> 00:17:31,777
We go where we want, when we want
and how we want.

290
00:17:31,947 --> 00:17:33,858
Usually without so much toiletries...

291
00:17:34,033 --> 00:17:37,653
...but I'm trying to be flexible here.
- I explained about the toiletries.

292
00:17:37,873 --> 00:17:41,290
The point is, you can't let your ex-wife
control your behavior...

293
00:17:41,462 --> 00:17:44,132
...no matter how stupid
or self-destructive it might be.

294
00:17:44,298 --> 00:17:47,135
- Charlie, l...
- What profit a man...

295
00:17:47,346 --> 00:17:50,182
...if he escapes the iron shackles
of matrimony...

296
00:17:50,350 --> 00:17:55,808
...only to surrender to sexually frustrated
tyranny of a vengeful ex-wife?

297
00:17:59,321 --> 00:18:00,781
You know what? You're right.

298
00:18:00,950 --> 00:18:02,610
- We're men.
- Right, are you with me?

299
00:18:02,827 --> 00:18:05,450
- I'm with you.
- Grab your pack, we're going to Vegas.

300
00:18:07,376 --> 00:18:10,082
- Jake?
- Just a sec.

301
00:18:13,010 --> 00:18:15,467
It's okay. It's mostly water.

302
00:18:19,603 --> 00:18:22,854
I'm fine. Let's go. We're men.

303
00:18:23,025 --> 00:18:24,852
Nope. You're too sick.

304
00:18:25,028 --> 00:18:26,902
Some other time.

305
00:18:27,073 --> 00:18:29,530
I'm really sorry I ruined the trip,
Uncle Charlie.

306
00:18:29,744 --> 00:18:31,120
Hey, it's not your fault.

307
00:18:31,287 --> 00:18:33,197
It's your dad who won't let you go.

308
00:18:34,710 --> 00:18:37,380
- Thanks, Charlie.
- Why should he feel guilty?

309
00:18:38,214 --> 00:18:41,383
Here. Put this on Wake Forest.

310
00:18:43,389 --> 00:18:45,716
Game's over, Jake. They lost.

311
00:18:45,935 --> 00:18:49,982
- What about the spread?
- They didn't cover.

312
00:18:51,568 --> 00:18:52,897
Give me back my money.

313
00:18:55,491 --> 00:18:56,903
Get some rest.

314
00:18:57,077 --> 00:19:00,328
- I'm hungry.
- Get used to it.

315
00:19:02,877 --> 00:19:05,667
- That's some great kid.
- Yeah.

316
00:19:05,840 --> 00:19:08,759
Sick as a dog,
and all he wants is a little action.

317
00:19:08,928 --> 00:19:10,589
Well, he gets that from you.

318
00:19:10,806 --> 00:19:12,136
You think so?

319
00:19:12,308 --> 00:19:16,355
- Because I do try to be a role model.
- I know you do.

320
00:19:16,565 --> 00:19:19,354
Listen, there's no reason
you have to stick around.

321
00:19:19,528 --> 00:19:21,521
He's gonna sleep.
I can keep an eye on him.

322
00:19:21,739 --> 00:19:23,531
No, no, I couldn't go now.

323
00:19:23,743 --> 00:19:26,116
Why not? You wanted to go to Vegas.
You should go.

324
00:19:26,288 --> 00:19:29,410
You're probably gonna have a better time
without Jake and me.

325
00:19:29,627 --> 00:19:31,953
Probably? Unquestionably.

326
00:19:32,173 --> 00:19:34,332
- Then why don't you go?
- I don't know.

327
00:19:34,509 --> 00:19:37,796
It just feels somehow wrong
to abandon the kid when he's sick.

328
00:19:38,014 --> 00:19:40,470
Now you know what it feels like
to be a parent.

329
00:19:41,812 --> 00:19:43,935
How inconvenient.

330
00:19:44,983 --> 00:19:49,149
- What's that?
- It sounds like Lynyrd Skynyrd.

331
00:19:59,964 --> 00:20:01,710
Berta?

332
00:20:06,224 --> 00:20:08,218
Surprise!

333
00:20:18,910 --> 00:20:20,453
I'm gonna start the IV.

334
00:20:20,621 --> 00:20:22,661
In a few seconds,
you're gonna feel drowsy.

335
00:20:22,832 --> 00:20:26,037
No. No drowsy.
I wanna be out. Completely out.

336
00:20:26,255 --> 00:20:27,916
Don't worry, you will be.

337
00:20:28,091 --> 00:20:30,714
- Right, doctor?
- Aye.

338
00:20:30,929 --> 00:20:35,225
You won't be remembering anything,
me bucko.

339
00:20:43,281 --> 00:20:46,818
Thanks, doc. Here's the 2 grand
for your children's hospital.

340
00:20:48,372 --> 00:20:51,992
And remember, when he wakes up,
you're a gas station attendant.