1 00:00:02,116 --> 00:00:03,825 - Hey, buddy. - Hi, Uncle Charlie. 2 00:00:03,994 --> 00:00:06,914 - Ready for a fun weekend? - He's not gonna have a fun weekend. 3 00:00:07,084 --> 00:00:09,839 Charlie, he's gonna study for a history test on Monday. 4 00:00:10,173 --> 00:00:13,759 Well, if believing that gets you back in your car, I'll play along. 5 00:00:14,765 --> 00:00:16,594 - Where's Alan? - He's not here. 6 00:00:16,769 --> 00:00:18,563 Really? I told him I was on my way. 7 00:00:18,731 --> 00:00:20,690 That might be why he's not here. 8 00:00:20,860 --> 00:00:23,401 Okay, I'll just have to go over everything with you. 9 00:00:23,574 --> 00:00:25,118 I'm gonna visit my parents. 10 00:00:25,286 --> 00:00:28,705 I won't pick Jake up till Wednesday. Alan has to take him to school. 11 00:00:28,876 --> 00:00:30,206 Monday is soccer practice. 12 00:00:30,379 --> 00:00:33,216 He has his math tutor and his guitar teacher on Tuesday... 13 00:00:33,385 --> 00:00:34,501 Hang on. Hang on. 14 00:00:44,823 --> 00:00:46,783 Oh, hi, Judith. 15 00:00:46,953 --> 00:00:49,196 Alan, why are you avoiding me? 16 00:00:49,375 --> 00:00:54,041 - I'm not avoiding you as much as... - Hiding. 17 00:00:54,927 --> 00:00:56,968 - Thank you. - Why were you hiding? 18 00:00:57,139 --> 00:01:00,725 Why does the wounded gazelle hide from the stealthy jaguar? 19 00:01:02,274 --> 00:01:05,194 Why does the helpless piglet hide from ravenous wolverine? 20 00:01:07,826 --> 00:01:09,073 Animal Planet. 21 00:01:10,498 --> 00:01:12,624 You learn a lot. 22 00:01:13,212 --> 00:01:15,586 We need to talk about your pain-in-the-ass mother. 23 00:01:15,758 --> 00:01:17,170 You know, I would love to... 24 00:01:17,345 --> 00:01:21,134 ...but as Charlie told you, I'm not here. - I let her take Jake out to dinner. 25 00:01:21,312 --> 00:01:25,183 She brought him home and she lectured me for 15 minutes about his dirty ears. 26 00:01:25,361 --> 00:01:28,484 - Fifteen minutes, huh? - How long is this gonna take? 27 00:01:28,659 --> 00:01:29,941 Like I'm a bad parent. 28 00:01:30,121 --> 00:01:33,243 Let her try and get a Q-Tip in a squirming 11 -year-old boy's ear. 29 00:01:33,417 --> 00:01:36,707 Mom didn't believe in Q-Tips. She had a squirt gun. 30 00:01:36,883 --> 00:01:39,590 You know, the woolly meerkat of western Africa... 31 00:01:39,764 --> 00:01:43,017 ...buries her cubs up to their necks and licks their ears clean. 32 00:01:44,565 --> 00:01:46,642 What? It seemed apropos. 33 00:01:46,820 --> 00:01:49,395 If she wants to spend time with her grandson... 34 00:01:49,574 --> 00:01:51,902 ...she needs to back off. - Okay, I'll tell her. 35 00:01:52,080 --> 00:01:55,119 - Thank you. - I'll tell Alan you stopped by. 36 00:02:03,894 --> 00:02:07,765 Okay, Lewis and Clark explored what? 37 00:02:07,944 --> 00:02:10,568 - I don't remember. - You just read that chapter. 38 00:02:10,741 --> 00:02:13,947 Yeah, but Lewis and Clark was a long time ago. 39 00:02:15,333 --> 00:02:17,826 Thanks for the ride, Sally. 40 00:02:18,422 --> 00:02:21,592 And for getting me home too. 41 00:02:22,973 --> 00:02:26,142 - Why is that funny? - It's not. 42 00:02:26,312 --> 00:02:29,435 Mustang Sally, giddyup. 43 00:02:31,030 --> 00:02:32,941 Now, Lewis and Clark. 44 00:02:33,117 --> 00:02:35,326 Face it, Dad, I'm just not good at history. 45 00:02:35,497 --> 00:02:37,657 Really? What did you have for lunch yesterday? 46 00:02:38,544 --> 00:02:41,798 A pizza square. Actually, two pizza squares, a ice cream sandwich... 47 00:02:41,967 --> 00:02:44,887 ...and a bag of Skittles. - Okay, see, that's history. 48 00:02:45,057 --> 00:02:47,182 And a Ding Dong and a diet root beer. 49 00:02:47,771 --> 00:02:49,646 - Great. - Wait. It wasn't a Ding Dong. 50 00:02:49,816 --> 00:02:51,609 - It was a Ho Ho. - Got it. 51 00:02:53,615 --> 00:02:57,283 You know what I like? Those big, pink things with coconut. 52 00:02:57,457 --> 00:03:01,327 - Snow Balls? - Exactly. Can you still get those? 53 00:03:01,505 --> 00:03:04,426 Yeah, but not at the supermarket. You have to go to 7-Eleven. 54 00:03:04,595 --> 00:03:06,636 Thank you. 55 00:03:06,807 --> 00:03:09,479 Alan, will you drive me to 7-Eleven? 56 00:03:10,816 --> 00:03:12,810 No, we are trying to study. 57 00:03:12,986 --> 00:03:14,612 All right, I'll hoof it. 58 00:03:15,741 --> 00:03:17,902 - Can I bring you back something? - Ding Dong. 59 00:03:18,079 --> 00:03:20,038 Who's there? 60 00:03:20,208 --> 00:03:22,334 I'm trying to get him ready for his test. 61 00:03:22,505 --> 00:03:27,586 Sorry. Sorry. You go ahead. I'll pretend I'm not here. 62 00:03:28,517 --> 00:03:32,565 Okay, Lewis and Clark explored what? 63 00:03:32,733 --> 00:03:34,110 Louisiana Purchase. 64 00:03:36,740 --> 00:03:38,367 - Right. - I knew that. 65 00:03:38,535 --> 00:03:40,614 Yeah, but Uncle Charlie buzzed first. 66 00:03:40,790 --> 00:03:43,117 And I'm still buzzed. 67 00:03:45,174 --> 00:03:48,213 - Okay, give me another question. - All right. 68 00:03:48,388 --> 00:03:51,309 Seward's Folly is another name for? 69 00:03:51,477 --> 00:03:52,807 - Jake? - Alaska. 70 00:03:52,981 --> 00:03:57,731 - Very good. - Oh, I was gonna say Mrs. Seward. 71 00:04:00,078 --> 00:04:01,788 Okay, the score is 1 to 1. 72 00:04:01,957 --> 00:04:03,416 Now that you mention it... 73 00:04:03,585 --> 00:04:06,292 ...an Eskimo Pie would go down pretty good right now. 74 00:04:07,092 --> 00:04:08,884 Alan, will you drive me to 7-Eleven? 75 00:04:10,682 --> 00:04:12,177 No, next question: 76 00:04:12,352 --> 00:04:15,308 - The War of 1812... - 1812. 77 00:04:17,027 --> 00:04:19,735 - No. - 1813. 78 00:04:20,367 --> 00:04:21,697 Let me finish the question. 79 00:04:21,870 --> 00:04:24,542 The War of 1812 was fought against whom? 80 00:04:24,709 --> 00:04:27,083 - The British. - Very good, 2 to 1, Jake. 81 00:04:27,255 --> 00:04:30,592 - Yes. - No fair. My buzzer's broken. 82 00:04:31,722 --> 00:04:35,059 - Next question. - Let me try yours. 83 00:04:36,732 --> 00:04:38,691 See? His works. 84 00:04:43,245 --> 00:04:45,619 All right, contestants, we are at the final round. 85 00:04:45,791 --> 00:04:47,168 The questions are worth more. 86 00:04:47,336 --> 00:04:50,173 - And the answers are harder. - True. 87 00:04:52,429 --> 00:04:56,097 - Wait for a question. - Okay. 88 00:04:56,270 --> 00:04:59,606 Here we go. Name three changes in American life... 89 00:04:59,777 --> 00:05:01,937 ...brought about by the industrial revolution. 90 00:05:02,949 --> 00:05:08,329 Populations shift to cities, employment moving from farms to factories, and... 91 00:05:09,755 --> 00:05:12,877 - Yes? - Sorry, I hit it by mistake. 92 00:05:15,349 --> 00:05:17,259 - Settlement of the West. - That's correct. 93 00:05:17,435 --> 00:05:19,645 - You are our new champion. - Yes. 94 00:05:19,815 --> 00:05:22,190 Settlement of the West. 95 00:05:22,363 --> 00:05:26,031 - You see, Jake? You know this stuff. - Yeah, I guess I do. 96 00:05:26,203 --> 00:05:29,575 - Trust me, you are gonna do great. - Yeah, thanks, Dad. 97 00:05:29,751 --> 00:05:31,710 You're welcome. Now go get ready for bed. 98 00:05:31,881 --> 00:05:35,882 - I'll be there in a minute to tuck you in. - Okey-dokey. 99 00:05:43,278 --> 00:05:46,566 Oh, I gotta get a security camera. 100 00:05:46,742 --> 00:05:48,904 Where's your brother? I wanna talk to him. 101 00:05:49,081 --> 00:05:51,834 - He's not here. - Oh, really? 102 00:05:52,003 --> 00:05:55,042 No, he's actually not here. 103 00:05:55,217 --> 00:05:57,046 You know what his ex-wife said to me? 104 00:05:57,221 --> 00:05:59,216 Mom, please go away. 105 00:05:59,392 --> 00:06:02,182 She never calls me "Mom," but that was the gist of it. 106 00:06:02,733 --> 00:06:04,014 I took Jake out to dinner... 107 00:06:04,193 --> 00:06:06,485 - You're pretending not to understand me. - Right. 108 00:06:06,656 --> 00:06:09,232 And all I did was suggest to Judith... 109 00:06:09,412 --> 00:06:13,496 ...that she might wanna pay a little more attention to her son's ear hygiene. 110 00:06:13,670 --> 00:06:16,128 Not only was she completely unappreciative... 111 00:06:16,301 --> 00:06:19,673 ...but she had the nerve to denigrate how I raised my sons. 112 00:06:19,849 --> 00:06:23,102 Yeah, because we turned out so well. 113 00:06:23,272 --> 00:06:27,190 Excuse me, but whatever emotional issues you think you have... 114 00:06:27,363 --> 00:06:30,320 ...I kept your ears spotless. 115 00:06:30,495 --> 00:06:32,619 I remember. You used the same Super Soaker... 116 00:06:32,791 --> 00:06:35,034 ...to keep us off the furniture. 117 00:06:35,211 --> 00:06:37,004 Ladies and gentlemen... 118 00:06:37,174 --> 00:06:42,802 ...presenting noted scholar and A-student, Jake Harper. 119 00:06:45,315 --> 00:06:46,691 - You got an A? - I got an A. 120 00:06:46,860 --> 00:06:50,112 - All right. Way to go. - Congratulations, Jake. 121 00:06:50,283 --> 00:06:55,080 - Thanks. It's my first A this year. - Really? Well, it's none too soon then. 122 00:06:55,251 --> 00:06:57,495 - Mom, leave it alone. - I'm not saying anything. 123 00:06:57,672 --> 00:07:00,711 I think it's wonderful. Did anybody else in your class get an A? 124 00:07:00,887 --> 00:07:02,465 Almost everybody. Why? 125 00:07:02,640 --> 00:07:05,133 Oh, I was just curious as to how hard the test was. 126 00:07:05,313 --> 00:07:07,105 It doesn't matter, Mom. Still an A. 127 00:07:07,275 --> 00:07:10,777 An A is very nice. I just don't know why you're making such a big fuss... 128 00:07:10,948 --> 00:07:14,367 ...if they're just handing them out like rubella vaccinations. 129 00:07:14,538 --> 00:07:17,032 I don't know. It looks like a pretty hard test to me. 130 00:07:18,003 --> 00:07:20,378 - No, it was easy. - That's because you studied. 131 00:07:20,550 --> 00:07:23,044 - You earned that A. - Wendy Chow got an A-plus. 132 00:07:23,222 --> 00:07:25,465 You hear that? Wendy Chow got an A-plus. 133 00:07:25,643 --> 00:07:28,136 Wendy Chow is a freak of nature. 134 00:07:28,315 --> 00:07:30,855 She cloned a goldfish for the science fair. 135 00:07:31,029 --> 00:07:32,441 We can't compare Jake to her. 136 00:07:32,614 --> 00:07:36,152 Who should we compare him to then? The paste eaters and the unibrows? 137 00:07:37,083 --> 00:07:40,169 Darling, if you set the bar low in childhood... 138 00:07:40,338 --> 00:07:42,713 ...he may never reach the heights he's capable of. 139 00:07:42,885 --> 00:07:45,889 You're condemning him to a life of failure and mediocrity. 140 00:07:46,058 --> 00:07:49,394 Is that what you want, Jake? A life of failure and mediocrity? 141 00:07:50,733 --> 00:07:52,111 No. 142 00:07:52,988 --> 00:07:56,491 You see? He may well be sharper than you give him credit for. 143 00:07:58,332 --> 00:08:00,160 I'm gonna go to my room. 144 00:08:00,877 --> 00:08:03,122 I am putting that A-paper up on the fridge. 145 00:08:03,300 --> 00:08:06,754 Wow. Texas used to be a separate country. 146 00:08:10,396 --> 00:08:12,355 Why did we change that? 147 00:08:13,319 --> 00:08:15,148 Not now, Charlie. How dare you? 148 00:08:15,824 --> 00:08:18,364 - Excuse me? - He worked hard on that test. 149 00:08:18,537 --> 00:08:21,707 He was finally feeling good about himself and his abilities... 150 00:08:21,877 --> 00:08:23,872 ...and in 30 seconds you managed to suck... 151 00:08:24,048 --> 00:08:27,004 ...every bit of self-esteem out of him. You're like a... 152 00:08:27,179 --> 00:08:29,802 - A self-esteem sucker. - Yes, exactly. 153 00:08:30,894 --> 00:08:33,518 Alan, I was just having a conversation with the boy. 154 00:08:33,692 --> 00:08:36,316 No. No, you don't have conversations. You... 155 00:08:36,489 --> 00:08:38,899 Suck self-esteem. 156 00:08:41,039 --> 00:08:43,163 I would've gotten it. 157 00:08:43,336 --> 00:08:48,132 Mom, I am sorry, but I don't think I want you around my son anymore. 158 00:08:48,763 --> 00:08:50,887 - What? - You heard me. 159 00:08:51,059 --> 00:08:52,223 You will not do to him... 160 00:08:52,395 --> 00:08:55,399 ...what you did to me and Charlie. - What did I do to you? 161 00:08:55,567 --> 00:08:58,940 What did you do? What did she...? Charlie, tell her. 162 00:09:00,619 --> 00:09:03,789 Why tell her when we can show her? 163 00:09:09,011 --> 00:09:12,430 I see. So you're both turning against me. 164 00:09:12,601 --> 00:09:15,557 Oh, I turned a long time ago. 165 00:09:16,566 --> 00:09:19,106 Alan's just catching up. 166 00:09:19,865 --> 00:09:23,319 All right, fine. 167 00:09:23,497 --> 00:09:26,169 If I'm not welcome here... 168 00:09:26,335 --> 00:09:27,665 ...I'll leave. 169 00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:36,140 My own sons are throwing me out. 170 00:09:40,112 --> 00:09:41,774 Goodbye. 171 00:09:43,035 --> 00:09:45,029 This isn't over, is it? 172 00:09:46,124 --> 00:09:48,249 No, we're screwed. 173 00:09:55,100 --> 00:09:57,178 Let me guess. Mom? 174 00:09:57,354 --> 00:10:00,442 She's been calling all morning. I'm starting to feel guilty. 175 00:10:00,610 --> 00:10:04,397 You can't show weakness, Alan. She'll sense it. 176 00:10:04,577 --> 00:10:06,985 Like the hooded cobra senses the rapid heartbeat... 177 00:10:07,165 --> 00:10:08,875 ...of a panic-stricken kangaroo rat. 178 00:10:11,131 --> 00:10:13,340 But don't you feel even a bit sorry for her? 179 00:10:13,511 --> 00:10:16,716 Does the mongoose feel sorry for the wounded garden-snake? 180 00:10:18,270 --> 00:10:22,686 Does the dingo feel sorry for the slow-crawling Australian baby? 181 00:10:24,992 --> 00:10:27,449 - You guys okay? - Oh, yeah, yeah. 182 00:10:27,621 --> 00:10:29,330 We're fine. Why? 183 00:10:29,500 --> 00:10:32,872 Your mother just called me. She said she's been trying to reach you... 184 00:10:33,048 --> 00:10:34,842 ...all morning and she's very worried. 185 00:10:35,010 --> 00:10:37,136 - We're fine, Rose. - We're not talking to her. 186 00:10:37,306 --> 00:10:41,640 Why? Because she tried to encourage Jake to live up to his potential? 187 00:10:41,815 --> 00:10:44,819 That's a reason to throw her out and slam the door in her face? 188 00:10:46,325 --> 00:10:48,735 How could you be so cruel to your own mother? 189 00:10:50,457 --> 00:10:54,245 And the dingo has found another Australian baby. 190 00:10:55,968 --> 00:10:57,844 Rose, that's not what happened. 191 00:10:58,013 --> 00:10:59,391 We were protecting Jake. 192 00:10:59,558 --> 00:11:02,931 How? By ripping his only grandmother out of his life? 193 00:11:03,107 --> 00:11:06,941 - He has another grandmother. - Oh, right, the Sacramento pill-freak. 194 00:11:07,157 --> 00:11:09,316 Is that what she told you? 195 00:11:09,493 --> 00:11:11,488 For the record, Jake's other grandmother... 196 00:11:11,665 --> 00:11:13,706 ...is out of rehab and doing just fine. 197 00:11:15,172 --> 00:11:19,553 We appreciate your concern, Rose. Thanks for stopping by. 198 00:11:19,722 --> 00:11:22,096 So now you're just gonna slam the door in my face? 199 00:11:22,269 --> 00:11:24,097 Pretty much. 200 00:11:26,945 --> 00:11:29,355 Not as satisfying with a glass door. 201 00:11:30,243 --> 00:11:32,403 Okay, first she starts with the phone calls... 202 00:11:32,580 --> 00:11:34,907 ...then she sent Rose over. I wonder what's next. 203 00:11:35,085 --> 00:11:37,757 I don't know, but I'm betting it'll be something big. 204 00:11:41,723 --> 00:11:45,226 Right. I understand, it's terrible. 205 00:11:45,397 --> 00:11:48,566 Okay, let me see what I can do about it. 206 00:11:48,737 --> 00:11:51,657 How in the hell did your mother get my cell phone number? 207 00:11:57,378 --> 00:11:59,374 Sometimes, when the nest is threatened... 208 00:11:59,550 --> 00:12:04,215 ... the seemingly docile creatures have been known to eat their own young. 209 00:12:04,391 --> 00:12:07,562 Hey, did Mom call you at the office today? 210 00:12:07,732 --> 00:12:09,193 No, she call here? 211 00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:14,026 - No, it's been pretty quiet. - Yeah, maybe too quiet. 212 00:12:14,787 --> 00:12:16,913 And here we see the female praying-mantis... 213 00:12:17,084 --> 00:12:20,622 ... after copulation, devouring her mate. 214 00:12:20,799 --> 00:12:24,052 Your ex-wife back from her parents'? 215 00:12:24,223 --> 00:12:26,763 Yeah, I dropped Jake off with her this afternoon. 216 00:12:26,936 --> 00:12:29,560 Apparently her mom had a little relapse with the pills. 217 00:12:29,733 --> 00:12:31,608 - Oh, yeah? - They found her in pajamas... 218 00:12:31,778 --> 00:12:36,076 ...driving an imaginary car through the home and garden section of Wal-Mart. 219 00:12:36,496 --> 00:12:39,168 How could they tell if she was driving an imaginary car? 220 00:12:39,335 --> 00:12:42,541 She rolled down the window to ask for directions to the pharmacy. 221 00:12:47,893 --> 00:12:50,980 - Here we witness the... - Not Mom. 222 00:12:51,359 --> 00:12:54,611 Hello? Yeah, this is Charlie Harper. 223 00:12:54,782 --> 00:12:57,655 What? I see. 224 00:12:57,829 --> 00:12:59,658 Okay, then. Thanks for letting me know. 225 00:13:00,585 --> 00:13:02,912 - Who was that? - St. John's Hospital. 226 00:13:03,089 --> 00:13:07,007 Our mother checked in this evening with chest pains and breathing difficulties. 227 00:13:07,181 --> 00:13:09,638 - Oh, my God. - Ever wonder who was the first guy... 228 00:13:09,811 --> 00:13:12,268 ...to put pineapple on pizza? 229 00:13:14,278 --> 00:13:16,438 I bet he was gay. 230 00:13:17,994 --> 00:13:20,237 - Charlie... - No straight guy is gonna say: 231 00:13:20,415 --> 00:13:23,335 "You know what this pizza could use? A pineapple ring." 232 00:13:25,341 --> 00:13:27,632 God bless him. It's good. 233 00:13:27,804 --> 00:13:29,300 Charlie, is Mom okay? 234 00:13:29,474 --> 00:13:31,385 Of course she's okay. She's faking. 235 00:13:31,561 --> 00:13:34,649 - How can you be so sure? - It really doesn't make any difference. 236 00:13:35,944 --> 00:13:39,068 If she is faking and we rush to see her, she wins. 237 00:13:39,243 --> 00:13:41,153 If she's not faking, and we ignore her... 238 00:13:41,330 --> 00:13:43,740 ...she complains about what horrible sons we are... 239 00:13:43,918 --> 00:13:45,331 ...and she still wins. 240 00:13:45,504 --> 00:13:48,176 What if she's not faking and she dies? 241 00:13:49,095 --> 00:13:51,802 Well, look at you, Mr. Glass Half-Full. 242 00:13:54,355 --> 00:13:56,433 I can't help thinking this is all my fault. 243 00:13:56,611 --> 00:13:59,946 I told Mom she couldn't see her grandson and she had a heart attack. 244 00:14:00,118 --> 00:14:02,277 Alan, you forget who you're dealing with. 245 00:14:02,454 --> 00:14:05,078 This woman buried two husbands and divorced two others. 246 00:14:05,251 --> 00:14:07,377 She's lived through wars, riots, earthquakes. 247 00:14:07,547 --> 00:14:11,715 Only way you're gonna bring her down is with a stake dipped in holy water. 248 00:14:13,266 --> 00:14:14,928 Here we are. 249 00:14:18,110 --> 00:14:21,399 Oh, my God. Mommy? 250 00:14:21,575 --> 00:14:22,904 Excuse me? 251 00:14:23,078 --> 00:14:25,120 - Are you family? - Yeah, we're her sons. 252 00:14:25,291 --> 00:14:27,784 Is she gonna be okay? Tell me she's gonna be okay. 253 00:14:27,962 --> 00:14:31,169 Your mother's gonna be fine. I can't find a thing wrong with her. 254 00:14:31,344 --> 00:14:33,137 - Are you sure? - As sure as I can be. 255 00:14:33,306 --> 00:14:34,968 Her heart's fine. Lungs are fine. 256 00:14:35,143 --> 00:14:37,102 Blood chemistry's good. EEG's normal. 257 00:14:37,272 --> 00:14:40,394 - Oh, thank God. - That bitch. 258 00:14:41,488 --> 00:14:42,949 Yeah, tell me about it. 259 00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:46,451 Excuse me. I'm gonna tell her she can go home. 260 00:14:46,624 --> 00:14:49,830 - Oh, no, please, let us. - Yeah, we owe her that. 261 00:14:50,005 --> 00:14:52,677 Suit yourself. Oh, better hurry, though. 262 00:14:52,844 --> 00:14:55,384 The nurses are circulating a"do not revive" petition. 263 00:14:56,852 --> 00:15:00,306 - You said there was nothing wrong. - It's a big hospital. 264 00:15:00,483 --> 00:15:02,229 Things happen. 265 00:15:04,993 --> 00:15:06,369 What do we do now? 266 00:15:06,538 --> 00:15:09,660 Don't worry. I got a plan. 267 00:15:09,836 --> 00:15:11,544 Oh, great, he has a plan. 268 00:15:15,596 --> 00:15:16,926 Mom? 269 00:15:17,725 --> 00:15:20,516 Charlie? Is that you? 270 00:15:20,689 --> 00:15:22,399 Alan's here too, Mom. 271 00:15:22,569 --> 00:15:26,618 - Hi, Mom. - Boys, you didn't have to come. 272 00:15:27,495 --> 00:15:29,288 Are you kidding? Of course we did. 273 00:15:29,457 --> 00:15:31,950 - Right, Alan? - Of course. 274 00:15:32,129 --> 00:15:33,244 Tell us what happened. 275 00:15:34,465 --> 00:15:38,468 I came home this afternoon, alone. 276 00:15:39,392 --> 00:15:42,682 I was walking up the stairs... 277 00:15:43,192 --> 00:15:44,901 ...alone. 278 00:15:46,823 --> 00:15:49,947 And I had trouble breathing... 279 00:15:50,748 --> 00:15:54,203 ...so I drove myself to the hospital... 280 00:15:55,090 --> 00:15:56,419 ...alone. 281 00:15:59,807 --> 00:16:02,846 - Well, why did you drive yourself? - Oh, I didn't wanna bother... 282 00:16:03,022 --> 00:16:05,266 ...the ambulance people. 283 00:16:06,821 --> 00:16:07,900 Why didn't you call us? 284 00:16:09,618 --> 00:16:15,496 Oh, you both made it very clear how you feel about me. 285 00:16:15,671 --> 00:16:17,167 Now, that's not fair. 286 00:16:17,341 --> 00:16:20,048 Just tell Jake... 287 00:16:20,221 --> 00:16:23,475 ...his Grandmommy loves him very much. 288 00:16:23,645 --> 00:16:25,058 Don't talk like that. 289 00:16:25,232 --> 00:16:27,856 You can tell him yourself, after the operation. 290 00:16:28,029 --> 00:16:29,441 What operation? 291 00:16:33,790 --> 00:16:37,126 Relax. Relax. Quadruple bypasses are routine these days. 292 00:16:37,297 --> 00:16:38,922 - Quadruple? - Yeah, yeah. 293 00:16:39,092 --> 00:16:42,012 You got four clogged arteries. Right, Alan? 294 00:16:42,181 --> 00:16:45,517 Right, the doctor said it's lucky you came when you did. 295 00:16:45,688 --> 00:16:49,475 Another few days and you'd have been flopping around on the floor like a carp. 296 00:16:50,363 --> 00:16:52,738 It's no big deal, Mom. They crack open you open... 297 00:16:52,910 --> 00:16:56,033 ...flush out the pipes, sew you back up and you're good as new. 298 00:16:56,208 --> 00:16:59,295 Except, you know, for the big, gnarly scar on your chest. 299 00:16:59,465 --> 00:17:01,091 They're prepping the OR. 300 00:17:01,259 --> 00:17:03,301 We got the best surgeon available. 301 00:17:03,472 --> 00:17:04,802 He's young but really sharp. 302 00:17:04,975 --> 00:17:06,804 And well-respected in his own country. 303 00:17:13,742 --> 00:17:15,535 Well, all right. 304 00:17:15,871 --> 00:17:19,576 If it has to be done, it has to be done. 305 00:17:27,644 --> 00:17:29,555 I love you, boys. 306 00:17:31,986 --> 00:17:35,322 If the worst should happen... 307 00:17:36,160 --> 00:17:38,120 ...please remember that. 308 00:17:39,501 --> 00:17:42,124 - Yeah. Sure. - Of course. 309 00:17:42,673 --> 00:17:44,584 Oh, my God, Evelyn Are you all right? 310 00:17:44,760 --> 00:17:48,465 Oh, Judith, is that you? 311 00:17:49,019 --> 00:17:50,978 Yes, I'm right here. Jake's here too. 312 00:17:51,148 --> 00:17:53,938 Oh, Jake. Come to Grandmommy, darling. 313 00:17:54,113 --> 00:17:55,738 I'm sorry you feel bad, Grandma. 314 00:17:55,908 --> 00:18:00,205 Oh, Grandmommy's feeling much better now that her little man is here. 315 00:18:00,916 --> 00:18:05,667 - I made you a get-well card. - Oh, isn't that nice. 316 00:18:05,843 --> 00:18:07,339 Gift shop wasn't open? 317 00:18:10,602 --> 00:18:14,057 You said you had a plan. Well, guess what? It was a bad plan. 318 00:18:14,234 --> 00:18:16,396 - Alan, calm down. - The plan sucked. 319 00:18:17,282 --> 00:18:18,611 - Don't worry. - Don't worry? 320 00:18:18,786 --> 00:18:21,908 She's expecting a quadruple bypass. What are we gonna do? 321 00:18:22,083 --> 00:18:23,827 We're gonna get her one. 322 00:18:24,004 --> 00:18:26,758 Must be someone around here who can handle a rib spreader. 323 00:18:26,926 --> 00:18:28,755 - Charlie, that's insane. - You're right. 324 00:18:28,930 --> 00:18:31,305 There's no time. Better scrub up. 325 00:18:32,020 --> 00:18:35,356 She had to drive herself to the hospital? What is wrong with you two? 326 00:18:35,527 --> 00:18:38,198 - Relax, Judith. She's not sick. - What? 327 00:18:38,365 --> 00:18:41,534 She's faking and we called her bluff, and then she called ours. 328 00:18:41,705 --> 00:18:44,162 So now, we're gonna have to cut her open. 329 00:18:44,669 --> 00:18:46,294 You want in? 330 00:18:47,049 --> 00:18:49,173 Hey, guess what? After Grandma's operation... 331 00:18:49,344 --> 00:18:51,672 ...she's gonna take me to Magic Mountain, okay? 332 00:18:51,849 --> 00:18:54,769 Yeah, yeah, that's okay. We're gonna have to tell her. 333 00:18:54,939 --> 00:18:56,850 You sure? We don't need to do the bypass. 334 00:18:57,026 --> 00:18:58,936 All we do is put her out, slice her open. 335 00:18:59,113 --> 00:19:02,236 - The scar will sell it. - The truth, Charlie. 336 00:19:05,125 --> 00:19:07,202 Doesn't have to be a big scar. 337 00:19:07,380 --> 00:19:10,087 Okay, doctor, let's schedule this as quickly as possible. 338 00:19:10,260 --> 00:19:12,884 Oh, great. I'll be here. 339 00:19:13,057 --> 00:19:14,932 Hello, boys. 340 00:19:15,770 --> 00:19:18,858 - What are you doing? - lf I'm going to have to have surgery... 341 00:19:19,027 --> 00:19:20,439 ...I want my own doctor. 342 00:19:20,614 --> 00:19:23,023 Mom, you don't really need a surgeon. 343 00:19:23,202 --> 00:19:25,695 Oh, but I do. 344 00:19:25,874 --> 00:19:28,663 Your quadruple bypass story makes the perfect cover... 345 00:19:28,837 --> 00:19:30,630 ...for a little nip tuck. 346 00:19:30,799 --> 00:19:33,174 No turkey neck for Grandmommy, right? 347 00:19:34,683 --> 00:19:37,354 About Jake. I told him I'd take him to Magic Mountain... 348 00:19:37,521 --> 00:19:40,015 ...but you know how I feel about direct sunlight. 349 00:19:41,069 --> 00:19:43,277 Yeah, and wolfbane. 350 00:19:44,075 --> 00:19:46,403 You'll take him for me, won't you, Charlie? 351 00:19:46,580 --> 00:19:48,374 - Sure, Mom. - I'll make it up to him... 352 00:19:48,542 --> 00:19:52,080 ...by taking him out for a haircut and some decent clothes. 353 00:19:52,258 --> 00:19:55,096 - He'll like that. - Sure, Mom. 354 00:19:55,264 --> 00:19:57,757 Maybe when his mother sees how nice he could look... 355 00:19:57,936 --> 00:20:01,390 ...she'll take the hint and stop dressing him like a tackling dummy. 356 00:20:02,736 --> 00:20:05,312 Oh, the food here is just dreadful. 357 00:20:05,492 --> 00:20:07,653 So why don't you boys run across the street... 358 00:20:07,830 --> 00:20:09,374 ...and get me a nice ahi tuna... 359 00:20:09,541 --> 00:20:11,583 Charlie, what in God's name are you doing? 360 00:20:13,842 --> 00:20:15,752 Just practicing. 361 00:20:20,271 --> 00:20:22,312 The worker bees, or drones... 362 00:20:22,483 --> 00:20:25,938 ... live a life of utter devotion to their queen. 363 00:20:26,407 --> 00:20:28,735 You had a plan. 364 00:20:29,289 --> 00:20:32,457 From birth, these industrious yet mindless creatures... 365 00:20:32,628 --> 00:20:35,204 ... slave away to fulfill the queen 's every need. 366 00:20:35,425 --> 00:20:38,928 "Don't worry, Alan. I have a plan." 367 00:20:40,352 --> 00:20:45,100 Until finally they reach the end of their brief lifespan and die... 368 00:20:45,278 --> 00:20:48,400 ... becoming food and building materials for the rest of the hive. 369 00:20:48,575 --> 00:20:52,659 Alan, where's my sandwich? 370 00:20:53,460 --> 00:20:55,502 Coming, Mom. 371 00:20:56,549 --> 00:21:02,142 A cruel existence? Perhaps. But that's life on the Animal Planet.