1
00:00:02,116 --> 00:00:03,825
- Hey, buddy.
- Hi, Uncle Charlie.
2
00:00:03,994 --> 00:00:06,914
- Ready for a fun weekend?
- He's not gonna have a fun weekend.
3
00:00:07,084 --> 00:00:09,839
Charlie, he's gonna study
for a history test on Monday.
4
00:00:10,173 --> 00:00:13,759
Well, if believing that gets you back
in your car, I'll play along.
5
00:00:14,765 --> 00:00:16,594
- Where's Alan?
- He's not here.
6
00:00:16,769 --> 00:00:18,563
Really? I told him I was on my way.
7
00:00:18,731 --> 00:00:20,690
That might be why he's not here.
8
00:00:20,860 --> 00:00:23,401
Okay, I'll just have to go
over everything with you.
9
00:00:23,574 --> 00:00:25,118
I'm gonna visit my parents.
10
00:00:25,286 --> 00:00:28,705
I won't pick Jake up till Wednesday.
Alan has to take him to school.
11
00:00:28,876 --> 00:00:30,206
Monday is soccer practice.
12
00:00:30,379 --> 00:00:33,216
He has his math tutor
and his guitar teacher on Tuesday...
13
00:00:33,385 --> 00:00:34,501
Hang on. Hang on.
14
00:00:44,823 --> 00:00:46,783
Oh, hi, Judith.
15
00:00:46,953 --> 00:00:49,196
Alan, why are you avoiding me?
16
00:00:49,375 --> 00:00:54,041
- I'm not avoiding you as much as...
- Hiding.
17
00:00:54,927 --> 00:00:56,968
- Thank you.
- Why were you hiding?
18
00:00:57,139 --> 00:01:00,725
Why does the wounded gazelle
hide from the stealthy jaguar?
19
00:01:02,274 --> 00:01:05,194
Why does the helpless piglet
hide from ravenous wolverine?
20
00:01:07,826 --> 00:01:09,073
Animal Planet.
21
00:01:10,498 --> 00:01:12,624
You learn a lot.
22
00:01:13,212 --> 00:01:15,586
We need to talk
about your pain-in-the-ass mother.
23
00:01:15,758 --> 00:01:17,170
You know, I would love to...
24
00:01:17,345 --> 00:01:21,134
...but as Charlie told you, I'm not here.
- I let her take Jake out to dinner.
25
00:01:21,312 --> 00:01:25,183
She brought him home and she lectured
me for 15 minutes about his dirty ears.
26
00:01:25,361 --> 00:01:28,484
- Fifteen minutes, huh?
- How long is this gonna take?
27
00:01:28,659 --> 00:01:29,941
Like I'm a bad parent.
28
00:01:30,121 --> 00:01:33,243
Let her try and get a Q-Tip
in a squirming 11 -year-old boy's ear.
29
00:01:33,417 --> 00:01:36,707
Mom didn't believe in Q-Tips.
She had a squirt gun.
30
00:01:36,883 --> 00:01:39,590
You know, the woolly meerkat
of western Africa...
31
00:01:39,764 --> 00:01:43,017
...buries her cubs up to their necks
and licks their ears clean.
32
00:01:44,565 --> 00:01:46,642
What? It seemed apropos.
33
00:01:46,820 --> 00:01:49,395
If she wants to spend time
with her grandson...
34
00:01:49,574 --> 00:01:51,902
...she needs to back off.
- Okay, I'll tell her.
35
00:01:52,080 --> 00:01:55,119
- Thank you.
- I'll tell Alan you stopped by.
36
00:02:03,894 --> 00:02:07,765
Okay, Lewis and Clark explored what?
37
00:02:07,944 --> 00:02:10,568
- I don't remember.
- You just read that chapter.
38
00:02:10,741 --> 00:02:13,947
Yeah, but Lewis and Clark
was a long time ago.
39
00:02:15,333 --> 00:02:17,826
Thanks for the ride, Sally.
40
00:02:18,422 --> 00:02:21,592
And for getting me home too.
41
00:02:22,973 --> 00:02:26,142
- Why is that funny?
- It's not.
42
00:02:26,312 --> 00:02:29,435
Mustang Sally, giddyup.
43
00:02:31,030 --> 00:02:32,941
Now, Lewis and Clark.
44
00:02:33,117 --> 00:02:35,326
Face it, Dad,
I'm just not good at history.
45
00:02:35,497 --> 00:02:37,657
Really? What did you have
for lunch yesterday?
46
00:02:38,544 --> 00:02:41,798
A pizza square. Actually, two
pizza squares, a ice cream sandwich...
47
00:02:41,967 --> 00:02:44,887
...and a bag of Skittles.
- Okay, see, that's history.
48
00:02:45,057 --> 00:02:47,182
And a Ding Dong and a diet root beer.
49
00:02:47,771 --> 00:02:49,646
- Great.
- Wait. It wasn't a Ding Dong.
50
00:02:49,816 --> 00:02:51,609
- It was a Ho Ho.
- Got it.
51
00:02:53,615 --> 00:02:57,283
You know what I like?
Those big, pink things with coconut.
52
00:02:57,457 --> 00:03:01,327
- Snow Balls?
- Exactly. Can you still get those?
53
00:03:01,505 --> 00:03:04,426
Yeah, but not at the supermarket.
You have to go to 7-Eleven.
54
00:03:04,595 --> 00:03:06,636
Thank you.
55
00:03:06,807 --> 00:03:09,479
Alan, will you drive me to 7-Eleven?
56
00:03:10,816 --> 00:03:12,810
No, we are trying to study.
57
00:03:12,986 --> 00:03:14,612
All right, I'll hoof it.
58
00:03:15,741 --> 00:03:17,902
- Can I bring you back something?
- Ding Dong.
59
00:03:18,079 --> 00:03:20,038
Who's there?
60
00:03:20,208 --> 00:03:22,334
I'm trying to get him ready for his test.
61
00:03:22,505 --> 00:03:27,586
Sorry. Sorry. You go ahead.
I'll pretend I'm not here.
62
00:03:28,517 --> 00:03:32,565
Okay, Lewis and Clark explored what?
63
00:03:32,733 --> 00:03:34,110
Louisiana Purchase.
64
00:03:36,740 --> 00:03:38,367
- Right.
- I knew that.
65
00:03:38,535 --> 00:03:40,614
Yeah, but Uncle Charlie buzzed first.
66
00:03:40,790 --> 00:03:43,117
And I'm still buzzed.
67
00:03:45,174 --> 00:03:48,213
- Okay, give me another question.
- All right.
68
00:03:48,388 --> 00:03:51,309
Seward's Folly
is another name for?
69
00:03:51,477 --> 00:03:52,807
- Jake?
- Alaska.
70
00:03:52,981 --> 00:03:57,731
- Very good.
- Oh, I was gonna say Mrs. Seward.
71
00:04:00,078 --> 00:04:01,788
Okay, the score is 1 to 1.
72
00:04:01,957 --> 00:04:03,416
Now that you mention it...
73
00:04:03,585 --> 00:04:06,292
...an Eskimo Pie would go down
pretty good right now.
74
00:04:07,092 --> 00:04:08,884
Alan, will you drive me to 7-Eleven?
75
00:04:10,682 --> 00:04:12,177
No, next question:
76
00:04:12,352 --> 00:04:15,308
- The War of 1812...
- 1812.
77
00:04:17,027 --> 00:04:19,735
- No.
- 1813.
78
00:04:20,367 --> 00:04:21,697
Let me finish the question.
79
00:04:21,870 --> 00:04:24,542
The War of 1812 was fought
against whom?
80
00:04:24,709 --> 00:04:27,083
- The British.
- Very good, 2 to 1, Jake.
81
00:04:27,255 --> 00:04:30,592
- Yes.
- No fair. My buzzer's broken.
82
00:04:31,722 --> 00:04:35,059
- Next question.
- Let me try yours.
83
00:04:36,732 --> 00:04:38,691
See? His works.
84
00:04:43,245 --> 00:04:45,619
All right, contestants,
we are at the final round.
85
00:04:45,791 --> 00:04:47,168
The questions are worth more.
86
00:04:47,336 --> 00:04:50,173
- And the answers are harder.
- True.
87
00:04:52,429 --> 00:04:56,097
- Wait for a question.
- Okay.
88
00:04:56,270 --> 00:04:59,606
Here we go. Name three changes
in American life...
89
00:04:59,777 --> 00:05:01,937
...brought about
by the industrial revolution.
90
00:05:02,949 --> 00:05:08,329
Populations shift to cities, employment
moving from farms to factories, and...
91
00:05:09,755 --> 00:05:12,877
- Yes?
- Sorry, I hit it by mistake.
92
00:05:15,349 --> 00:05:17,259
- Settlement of the West.
- That's correct.
93
00:05:17,435 --> 00:05:19,645
- You are our new champion.
- Yes.
94
00:05:19,815 --> 00:05:22,190
Settlement of the West.
95
00:05:22,363 --> 00:05:26,031
- You see, Jake? You know this stuff.
- Yeah, I guess I do.
96
00:05:26,203 --> 00:05:29,575
- Trust me, you are gonna do great.
- Yeah, thanks, Dad.
97
00:05:29,751 --> 00:05:31,710
You're welcome.
Now go get ready for bed.
98
00:05:31,881 --> 00:05:35,882
- I'll be there in a minute to tuck you in.
- Okey-dokey.
99
00:05:43,278 --> 00:05:46,566
Oh, I gotta get a security camera.
100
00:05:46,742 --> 00:05:48,904
Where's your brother?
I wanna talk to him.
101
00:05:49,081 --> 00:05:51,834
- He's not here.
- Oh, really?
102
00:05:52,003 --> 00:05:55,042
No, he's actually not here.
103
00:05:55,217 --> 00:05:57,046
You know what his ex-wife
said to me?
104
00:05:57,221 --> 00:05:59,216
Mom, please go away.
105
00:05:59,392 --> 00:06:02,182
She never calls me "Mom,"
but that was the gist of it.
106
00:06:02,733 --> 00:06:04,014
I took Jake out to dinner...
107
00:06:04,193 --> 00:06:06,485
- You're pretending not to understand me.
- Right.
108
00:06:06,656 --> 00:06:09,232
And all I did was suggest to Judith...
109
00:06:09,412 --> 00:06:13,496
...that she might wanna pay a little more
attention to her son's ear hygiene.
110
00:06:13,670 --> 00:06:16,128
Not only was she completely
unappreciative...
111
00:06:16,301 --> 00:06:19,673
...but she had the nerve to denigrate
how I raised my sons.
112
00:06:19,849 --> 00:06:23,102
Yeah, because we turned out so well.
113
00:06:23,272 --> 00:06:27,190
Excuse me, but whatever
emotional issues you think you have...
114
00:06:27,363 --> 00:06:30,320
...I kept your ears spotless.
115
00:06:30,495 --> 00:06:32,619
I remember.
You used the same Super Soaker...
116
00:06:32,791 --> 00:06:35,034
...to keep us off the furniture.
117
00:06:35,211 --> 00:06:37,004
Ladies and gentlemen...
118
00:06:37,174 --> 00:06:42,802
...presenting noted scholar
and A-student, Jake Harper.
119
00:06:45,315 --> 00:06:46,691
- You got an A?
- I got an A.
120
00:06:46,860 --> 00:06:50,112
- All right. Way to go.
- Congratulations, Jake.
121
00:06:50,283 --> 00:06:55,080
- Thanks. It's my first A this year.
- Really? Well, it's none too soon then.
122
00:06:55,251 --> 00:06:57,495
- Mom, leave it alone.
- I'm not saying anything.
123
00:06:57,672 --> 00:07:00,711
I think it's wonderful.
Did anybody else in your class get an A?
124
00:07:00,887 --> 00:07:02,465
Almost everybody. Why?
125
00:07:02,640 --> 00:07:05,133
Oh, I was just curious
as to how hard the test was.
126
00:07:05,313 --> 00:07:07,105
It doesn't matter, Mom.
Still an A.
127
00:07:07,275 --> 00:07:10,777
An A is very nice. I just don't know
why you're making such a big fuss...
128
00:07:10,948 --> 00:07:14,367
...if they're just handing them out
like rubella vaccinations.
129
00:07:14,538 --> 00:07:17,032
I don't know.
It looks like a pretty hard test to me.
130
00:07:18,003 --> 00:07:20,378
- No, it was easy.
- That's because you studied.
131
00:07:20,550 --> 00:07:23,044
- You earned that A.
- Wendy Chow got an A-plus.
132
00:07:23,222 --> 00:07:25,465
You hear that?
Wendy Chow got an A-plus.
133
00:07:25,643 --> 00:07:28,136
Wendy Chow is a freak of nature.
134
00:07:28,315 --> 00:07:30,855
She cloned a goldfish
for the science fair.
135
00:07:31,029 --> 00:07:32,441
We can't compare Jake to her.
136
00:07:32,614 --> 00:07:36,152
Who should we compare him to then?
The paste eaters and the unibrows?
137
00:07:37,083 --> 00:07:40,169
Darling, if you set the bar
low in childhood...
138
00:07:40,338 --> 00:07:42,713
...he may never reach
the heights he's capable of.
139
00:07:42,885 --> 00:07:45,889
You're condemning him
to a life of failure and mediocrity.
140
00:07:46,058 --> 00:07:49,394
Is that what you want, Jake?
A life of failure and mediocrity?
141
00:07:50,733 --> 00:07:52,111
No.
142
00:07:52,988 --> 00:07:56,491
You see? He may well be sharper
than you give him credit for.
143
00:07:58,332 --> 00:08:00,160
I'm gonna go to my room.
144
00:08:00,877 --> 00:08:03,122
I am putting that A-paper
up on the fridge.
145
00:08:03,300 --> 00:08:06,754
Wow. Texas used to be
a separate country.
146
00:08:10,396 --> 00:08:12,355
Why did we change that?
147
00:08:13,319 --> 00:08:15,148
Not now, Charlie.
How dare you?
148
00:08:15,824 --> 00:08:18,364
- Excuse me?
- He worked hard on that test.
149
00:08:18,537 --> 00:08:21,707
He was finally feeling good
about himself and his abilities...
150
00:08:21,877 --> 00:08:23,872
...and in 30 seconds
you managed to suck...
151
00:08:24,048 --> 00:08:27,004
...every bit of self-esteem out of him.
You're like a...
152
00:08:27,179 --> 00:08:29,802
- A self-esteem sucker.
- Yes, exactly.
153
00:08:30,894 --> 00:08:33,518
Alan, I was just having
a conversation with the boy.
154
00:08:33,692 --> 00:08:36,316
No. No, you don't
have conversations. You...
155
00:08:36,489 --> 00:08:38,899
Suck self-esteem.
156
00:08:41,039 --> 00:08:43,163
I would've gotten it.
157
00:08:43,336 --> 00:08:48,132
Mom, I am sorry, but I don't think
I want you around my son anymore.
158
00:08:48,763 --> 00:08:50,887
- What?
- You heard me.
159
00:08:51,059 --> 00:08:52,223
You will not do to him...
160
00:08:52,395 --> 00:08:55,399
...what you did to me and Charlie.
- What did I do to you?
161
00:08:55,567 --> 00:08:58,940
What did you do? What did she...?
Charlie, tell her.
162
00:09:00,619 --> 00:09:03,789
Why tell her when we can show her?
163
00:09:09,011 --> 00:09:12,430
I see. So you're both
turning against me.
164
00:09:12,601 --> 00:09:15,557
Oh, I turned a long time ago.
165
00:09:16,566 --> 00:09:19,106
Alan's just catching up.
166
00:09:19,865 --> 00:09:23,319
All right, fine.
167
00:09:23,497 --> 00:09:26,169
If I'm not welcome here...
168
00:09:26,335 --> 00:09:27,665
...I'll leave.
169
00:09:33,600 --> 00:09:36,140
My own sons are throwing me out.
170
00:09:40,112 --> 00:09:41,774
Goodbye.
171
00:09:43,035 --> 00:09:45,029
This isn't over, is it?
172
00:09:46,124 --> 00:09:48,249
No, we're screwed.
173
00:09:55,100 --> 00:09:57,178
Let me guess. Mom?
174
00:09:57,354 --> 00:10:00,442
She's been calling all morning.
I'm starting to feel guilty.
175
00:10:00,610 --> 00:10:04,397
You can't show weakness, Alan.
She'll sense it.
176
00:10:04,577 --> 00:10:06,985
Like the hooded cobra senses
the rapid heartbeat...
177
00:10:07,165 --> 00:10:08,875
...of a panic-stricken kangaroo rat.
178
00:10:11,131 --> 00:10:13,340
But don't you feel
even a bit sorry for her?
179
00:10:13,511 --> 00:10:16,716
Does the mongoose feel sorry
for the wounded garden-snake?
180
00:10:18,270 --> 00:10:22,686
Does the dingo feel sorry
for the slow-crawling Australian baby?
181
00:10:24,992 --> 00:10:27,449
- You guys okay?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
182
00:10:27,621 --> 00:10:29,330
We're fine. Why?
183
00:10:29,500 --> 00:10:32,872
Your mother just called me. She said
she's been trying to reach you...
184
00:10:33,048 --> 00:10:34,842
...all morning
and she's very worried.
185
00:10:35,010 --> 00:10:37,136
- We're fine, Rose.
- We're not talking to her.
186
00:10:37,306 --> 00:10:41,640
Why? Because she tried to encourage
Jake to live up to his potential?
187
00:10:41,815 --> 00:10:44,819
That's a reason to throw her out
and slam the door in her face?
188
00:10:46,325 --> 00:10:48,735
How could you be so cruel
to your own mother?
189
00:10:50,457 --> 00:10:54,245
And the dingo has found
another Australian baby.
190
00:10:55,968 --> 00:10:57,844
Rose, that's not what happened.
191
00:10:58,013 --> 00:10:59,391
We were protecting Jake.
192
00:10:59,558 --> 00:11:02,931
How? By ripping his only grandmother
out of his life?
193
00:11:03,107 --> 00:11:06,941
- He has another grandmother.
- Oh, right, the Sacramento pill-freak.
194
00:11:07,157 --> 00:11:09,316
Is that what she told you?
195
00:11:09,493 --> 00:11:11,488
For the record,
Jake's other grandmother...
196
00:11:11,665 --> 00:11:13,706
...is out of rehab and doing just fine.
197
00:11:15,172 --> 00:11:19,553
We appreciate your concern, Rose.
Thanks for stopping by.
198
00:11:19,722 --> 00:11:22,096
So now you're just gonna
slam the door in my face?
199
00:11:22,269 --> 00:11:24,097
Pretty much.
200
00:11:26,945 --> 00:11:29,355
Not as satisfying with a glass door.
201
00:11:30,243 --> 00:11:32,403
Okay, first she starts
with the phone calls...
202
00:11:32,580 --> 00:11:34,907
...then she sent Rose over.
I wonder what's next.
203
00:11:35,085 --> 00:11:37,757
I don't know, but I'm betting
it'll be something big.
204
00:11:41,723 --> 00:11:45,226
Right. I understand, it's terrible.
205
00:11:45,397 --> 00:11:48,566
Okay, let me see
what I can do about it.
206
00:11:48,737 --> 00:11:51,657
How in the hell did your mother
get my cell phone number?
207
00:11:57,378 --> 00:11:59,374
Sometimes,
when the nest is threatened...
208
00:11:59,550 --> 00:12:04,215
... the seemingly docile creatures have
been known to eat their own young.
209
00:12:04,391 --> 00:12:07,562
Hey, did Mom call you
at the office today?
210
00:12:07,732 --> 00:12:09,193
No, she call here?
211
00:12:09,360 --> 00:12:14,026
- No, it's been pretty quiet.
- Yeah, maybe too quiet.
212
00:12:14,787 --> 00:12:16,913
And here we see
the female praying-mantis...
213
00:12:17,084 --> 00:12:20,622
... after copulation,
devouring her mate.
214
00:12:20,799 --> 00:12:24,052
Your ex-wife back from her parents'?
215
00:12:24,223 --> 00:12:26,763
Yeah, I dropped Jake off
with her this afternoon.
216
00:12:26,936 --> 00:12:29,560
Apparently her mom had
a little relapse with the pills.
217
00:12:29,733 --> 00:12:31,608
- Oh, yeah?
- They found her in pajamas...
218
00:12:31,778 --> 00:12:36,076
...driving an imaginary car through the
home and garden section of Wal-Mart.
219
00:12:36,496 --> 00:12:39,168
How could they tell
if she was driving an imaginary car?
220
00:12:39,335 --> 00:12:42,541
She rolled down the window
to ask for directions to the pharmacy.
221
00:12:47,893 --> 00:12:50,980
- Here we witness the...
- Not Mom.
222
00:12:51,359 --> 00:12:54,611
Hello? Yeah, this is Charlie Harper.
223
00:12:54,782 --> 00:12:57,655
What? I see.
224
00:12:57,829 --> 00:12:59,658
Okay, then.
Thanks for letting me know.
225
00:13:00,585 --> 00:13:02,912
- Who was that?
- St. John's Hospital.
226
00:13:03,089 --> 00:13:07,007
Our mother checked in this evening with
chest pains and breathing difficulties.
227
00:13:07,181 --> 00:13:09,638
- Oh, my God.
- Ever wonder who was the first guy...
228
00:13:09,811 --> 00:13:12,268
...to put pineapple on pizza?
229
00:13:14,278 --> 00:13:16,438
I bet he was gay.
230
00:13:17,994 --> 00:13:20,237
- Charlie...
- No straight guy is gonna say:
231
00:13:20,415 --> 00:13:23,335
"You know what this pizza could use?
A pineapple ring."
232
00:13:25,341 --> 00:13:27,632
God bless him. It's good.
233
00:13:27,804 --> 00:13:29,300
Charlie, is Mom okay?
234
00:13:29,474 --> 00:13:31,385
Of course she's okay. She's faking.
235
00:13:31,561 --> 00:13:34,649
- How can you be so sure?
- It really doesn't make any difference.
236
00:13:35,944 --> 00:13:39,068
If she is faking and
we rush to see her, she wins.
237
00:13:39,243 --> 00:13:41,153
If she's not faking,
and we ignore her...
238
00:13:41,330 --> 00:13:43,740
...she complains
about what horrible sons we are...
239
00:13:43,918 --> 00:13:45,331
...and she still wins.
240
00:13:45,504 --> 00:13:48,176
What if she's not faking and she dies?
241
00:13:49,095 --> 00:13:51,802
Well, look at you, Mr. Glass Half-Full.
242
00:13:54,355 --> 00:13:56,433
I can't help thinking this is all my fault.
243
00:13:56,611 --> 00:13:59,946
I told Mom she couldn't see
her grandson and she had a heart attack.
244
00:14:00,118 --> 00:14:02,277
Alan, you forget
who you're dealing with.
245
00:14:02,454 --> 00:14:05,078
This woman buried two husbands
and divorced two others.
246
00:14:05,251 --> 00:14:07,377
She's lived through wars,
riots, earthquakes.
247
00:14:07,547 --> 00:14:11,715
Only way you're gonna bring her down
is with a stake dipped in holy water.
248
00:14:13,266 --> 00:14:14,928
Here we are.
249
00:14:18,110 --> 00:14:21,399
Oh, my God. Mommy?
250
00:14:21,575 --> 00:14:22,904
Excuse me?
251
00:14:23,078 --> 00:14:25,120
- Are you family?
- Yeah, we're her sons.
252
00:14:25,291 --> 00:14:27,784
Is she gonna be okay?
Tell me she's gonna be okay.
253
00:14:27,962 --> 00:14:31,169
Your mother's gonna be fine.
I can't find a thing wrong with her.
254
00:14:31,344 --> 00:14:33,137
- Are you sure?
- As sure as I can be.
255
00:14:33,306 --> 00:14:34,968
Her heart's fine. Lungs are fine.
256
00:14:35,143 --> 00:14:37,102
Blood chemistry's good. EEG's normal.
257
00:14:37,272 --> 00:14:40,394
- Oh, thank God.
- That bitch.
258
00:14:41,488 --> 00:14:42,949
Yeah, tell me about it.
259
00:14:44,160 --> 00:14:46,451
Excuse me.
I'm gonna tell her she can go home.
260
00:14:46,624 --> 00:14:49,830
- Oh, no, please, let us.
- Yeah, we owe her that.
261
00:14:50,005 --> 00:14:52,677
Suit yourself.
Oh, better hurry, though.
262
00:14:52,844 --> 00:14:55,384
The nurses are circulating
a"do not revive" petition.
263
00:14:56,852 --> 00:15:00,306
- You said there was nothing wrong.
- It's a big hospital.
264
00:15:00,483 --> 00:15:02,229
Things happen.
265
00:15:04,993 --> 00:15:06,369
What do we do now?
266
00:15:06,538 --> 00:15:09,660
Don't worry. I got a plan.
267
00:15:09,836 --> 00:15:11,544
Oh, great, he has a plan.
268
00:15:15,596 --> 00:15:16,926
Mom?
269
00:15:17,725 --> 00:15:20,516
Charlie? Is that you?
270
00:15:20,689 --> 00:15:22,399
Alan's here too, Mom.
271
00:15:22,569 --> 00:15:26,618
- Hi, Mom.
- Boys, you didn't have to come.
272
00:15:27,495 --> 00:15:29,288
Are you kidding? Of course we did.
273
00:15:29,457 --> 00:15:31,950
- Right, Alan?
- Of course.
274
00:15:32,129 --> 00:15:33,244
Tell us what happened.
275
00:15:34,465 --> 00:15:38,468
I came home this afternoon, alone.
276
00:15:39,392 --> 00:15:42,682
I was walking up the stairs...
277
00:15:43,192 --> 00:15:44,901
...alone.
278
00:15:46,823 --> 00:15:49,947
And I had trouble breathing...
279
00:15:50,748 --> 00:15:54,203
...so I drove myself to the hospital...
280
00:15:55,090 --> 00:15:56,419
...alone.
281
00:15:59,807 --> 00:16:02,846
- Well, why did you drive yourself?
- Oh, I didn't wanna bother...
282
00:16:03,022 --> 00:16:05,266
...the ambulance people.
283
00:16:06,821 --> 00:16:07,900
Why didn't you call us?
284
00:16:09,618 --> 00:16:15,496
Oh, you both made it very clear
how you feel about me.
285
00:16:15,671 --> 00:16:17,167
Now, that's not fair.
286
00:16:17,341 --> 00:16:20,048
Just tell Jake...
287
00:16:20,221 --> 00:16:23,475
...his Grandmommy loves him
very much.
288
00:16:23,645 --> 00:16:25,058
Don't talk like that.
289
00:16:25,232 --> 00:16:27,856
You can tell him yourself,
after the operation.
290
00:16:28,029 --> 00:16:29,441
What operation?
291
00:16:33,790 --> 00:16:37,126
Relax. Relax. Quadruple bypasses
are routine these days.
292
00:16:37,297 --> 00:16:38,922
- Quadruple?
- Yeah, yeah.
293
00:16:39,092 --> 00:16:42,012
You got four clogged arteries.
Right, Alan?
294
00:16:42,181 --> 00:16:45,517
Right, the doctor said it's lucky
you came when you did.
295
00:16:45,688 --> 00:16:49,475
Another few days and you'd have been
flopping around on the floor like a carp.
296
00:16:50,363 --> 00:16:52,738
It's no big deal, Mom.
They crack open you open...
297
00:16:52,910 --> 00:16:56,033
...flush out the pipes, sew you back up
and you're good as new.
298
00:16:56,208 --> 00:16:59,295
Except, you know, for the big,
gnarly scar on your chest.
299
00:16:59,465 --> 00:17:01,091
They're prepping the OR.
300
00:17:01,259 --> 00:17:03,301
We got the best surgeon available.
301
00:17:03,472 --> 00:17:04,802
He's young but really sharp.
302
00:17:04,975 --> 00:17:06,804
And well-respected in his own country.
303
00:17:13,742 --> 00:17:15,535
Well, all right.
304
00:17:15,871 --> 00:17:19,576
If it has to be done, it has to be done.
305
00:17:27,644 --> 00:17:29,555
I love you, boys.
306
00:17:31,986 --> 00:17:35,322
If the worst should happen...
307
00:17:36,160 --> 00:17:38,120
...please remember that.
308
00:17:39,501 --> 00:17:42,124
- Yeah. Sure.
- Of course.
309
00:17:42,673 --> 00:17:44,584
Oh, my God, Evelyn
Are you all right?
310
00:17:44,760 --> 00:17:48,465
Oh, Judith, is that you?
311
00:17:49,019 --> 00:17:50,978
Yes, I'm right here. Jake's here too.
312
00:17:51,148 --> 00:17:53,938
Oh, Jake.
Come to Grandmommy, darling.
313
00:17:54,113 --> 00:17:55,738
I'm sorry you feel bad, Grandma.
314
00:17:55,908 --> 00:18:00,205
Oh, Grandmommy's feeling much better
now that her little man is here.
315
00:18:00,916 --> 00:18:05,667
- I made you a get-well card.
- Oh, isn't that nice.
316
00:18:05,843 --> 00:18:07,339
Gift shop wasn't open?
317
00:18:10,602 --> 00:18:14,057
You said you had a plan.
Well, guess what? It was a bad plan.
318
00:18:14,234 --> 00:18:16,396
- Alan, calm down.
- The plan sucked.
319
00:18:17,282 --> 00:18:18,611
- Don't worry.
- Don't worry?
320
00:18:18,786 --> 00:18:21,908
She's expecting a quadruple bypass.
What are we gonna do?
321
00:18:22,083 --> 00:18:23,827
We're gonna get her one.
322
00:18:24,004 --> 00:18:26,758
Must be someone around here
who can handle a rib spreader.
323
00:18:26,926 --> 00:18:28,755
- Charlie, that's insane.
- You're right.
324
00:18:28,930 --> 00:18:31,305
There's no time. Better scrub up.
325
00:18:32,020 --> 00:18:35,356
She had to drive herself to the hospital?
What is wrong with you two?
326
00:18:35,527 --> 00:18:38,198
- Relax, Judith. She's not sick.
- What?
327
00:18:38,365 --> 00:18:41,534
She's faking and we called her bluff,
and then she called ours.
328
00:18:41,705 --> 00:18:44,162
So now, we're gonna
have to cut her open.
329
00:18:44,669 --> 00:18:46,294
You want in?
330
00:18:47,049 --> 00:18:49,173
Hey, guess what?
After Grandma's operation...
331
00:18:49,344 --> 00:18:51,672
...she's gonna take me
to Magic Mountain, okay?
332
00:18:51,849 --> 00:18:54,769
Yeah, yeah, that's okay.
We're gonna have to tell her.
333
00:18:54,939 --> 00:18:56,850
You sure?
We don't need to do the bypass.
334
00:18:57,026 --> 00:18:58,936
All we do is put her out,
slice her open.
335
00:18:59,113 --> 00:19:02,236
- The scar will sell it.
- The truth, Charlie.
336
00:19:05,125 --> 00:19:07,202
Doesn't have to be a big scar.
337
00:19:07,380 --> 00:19:10,087
Okay, doctor, let's schedule
this as quickly as possible.
338
00:19:10,260 --> 00:19:12,884
Oh, great. I'll be here.
339
00:19:13,057 --> 00:19:14,932
Hello, boys.
340
00:19:15,770 --> 00:19:18,858
- What are you doing?
- lf I'm going to have to have surgery...
341
00:19:19,027 --> 00:19:20,439
...I want my own doctor.
342
00:19:20,614 --> 00:19:23,023
Mom, you don't really need a surgeon.
343
00:19:23,202 --> 00:19:25,695
Oh, but I do.
344
00:19:25,874 --> 00:19:28,663
Your quadruple bypass story
makes the perfect cover...
345
00:19:28,837 --> 00:19:30,630
...for a little nip tuck.
346
00:19:30,799 --> 00:19:33,174
No turkey neck for Grandmommy, right?
347
00:19:34,683 --> 00:19:37,354
About Jake. I told him
I'd take him to Magic Mountain...
348
00:19:37,521 --> 00:19:40,015
...but you know
how I feel about direct sunlight.
349
00:19:41,069 --> 00:19:43,277
Yeah, and wolfbane.
350
00:19:44,075 --> 00:19:46,403
You'll take him for me,
won't you, Charlie?
351
00:19:46,580 --> 00:19:48,374
- Sure, Mom.
- I'll make it up to him...
352
00:19:48,542 --> 00:19:52,080
...by taking him out for a haircut
and some decent clothes.
353
00:19:52,258 --> 00:19:55,096
- He'll like that.
- Sure, Mom.
354
00:19:55,264 --> 00:19:57,757
Maybe when his mother sees
how nice he could look...
355
00:19:57,936 --> 00:20:01,390
...she'll take the hint and stop dressing
him like a tackling dummy.
356
00:20:02,736 --> 00:20:05,312
Oh, the food here is just dreadful.
357
00:20:05,492 --> 00:20:07,653
So why don't you boys
run across the street...
358
00:20:07,830 --> 00:20:09,374
...and get me a nice ahi tuna...
359
00:20:09,541 --> 00:20:11,583
Charlie, what in God's name
are you doing?
360
00:20:13,842 --> 00:20:15,752
Just practicing.
361
00:20:20,271 --> 00:20:22,312
The worker bees, or drones...
362
00:20:22,483 --> 00:20:25,938
... live a life of utter devotion
to their queen.
363
00:20:26,407 --> 00:20:28,735
You had a plan.
364
00:20:29,289 --> 00:20:32,457
From birth, these industrious
yet mindless creatures...
365
00:20:32,628 --> 00:20:35,204
... slave away to fulfill
the queen 's every need.
366
00:20:35,425 --> 00:20:38,928
"Don't worry, Alan. I have a plan."
367
00:20:40,352 --> 00:20:45,100
Until finally they reach the end
of their brief lifespan and die...
368
00:20:45,278 --> 00:20:48,400
... becoming food and building materials
for the rest of the hive.
369
00:20:48,575 --> 00:20:52,659
Alan, where's my sandwich?
370
00:20:53,460 --> 00:20:55,502
Coming, Mom.
371
00:20:56,549 --> 00:21:02,142
A cruel existence? Perhaps.
But that's life on the Animal Planet.