1
00:00:01,472 --> 00:00:03,596
I decided if I was gonna
get my boobs done...

2
00:00:03,767 --> 00:00:06,686
...I might as well go whole-hog,
you know what I mean?

3
00:00:06,855 --> 00:00:09,229
Yeah, I know what you mean.

4
00:00:09,442 --> 00:00:12,231
They're still pretty natural-Iooking,
don't you think?

5
00:00:12,407 --> 00:00:14,483
They fooled me.

6
00:00:14,659 --> 00:00:17,613
Oh, yeah, gotta get right up on them
before you can tell.

7
00:00:18,081 --> 00:00:21,083
I think they're really gonna help me
reach my career goals.

8
00:00:22,338 --> 00:00:24,544
Do you remember what they were?

9
00:00:24,715 --> 00:00:26,590
What what were?

10
00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:29,004
My career goals.

11
00:00:29,222 --> 00:00:33,352
Yeah, sure.
You wanna be an actress, right?

12
00:00:33,563 --> 00:00:36,731
No, silly. I wanna be a talk show host.

13
00:00:37,567 --> 00:00:38,897
Right.

14
00:00:42,492 --> 00:00:46,111
Of course, what they don't tell you is:
Big boobies equal bad back.

15
00:00:46,290 --> 00:00:48,662
Say that three times fast.

16
00:00:48,835 --> 00:00:52,254
- No, thank you.
- Big boobies equal bad back.

17
00:00:52,424 --> 00:00:55,961
Big boobies equal bad back.
Big boobies equal bad back.

18
00:00:57,265 --> 00:01:00,718
Get your skinny little butt in here,
and I'll interview you standing up.

19
00:01:01,270 --> 00:01:03,063
I'll be right there.

20
00:01:03,273 --> 00:01:04,983
Okay, we're back.

21
00:01:05,152 --> 00:01:08,106
Now, let's give a warm, soapy welcome
to my next guest...

22
00:01:08,281 --> 00:01:12,828
...and my close personal friend,
Charlie Harper.

23
00:01:19,132 --> 00:01:20,591
Hey. Where you off to?

24
00:01:21,467 --> 00:01:24,718
I don't know. Anywhere.

25
00:01:26,057 --> 00:01:28,681
Charlie, the shower's still running.

26
00:01:28,854 --> 00:01:30,183
Oh, fine.

27
00:01:34,613 --> 00:01:36,771
There you are.

28
00:01:40,913 --> 00:01:43,488
Charlie! Charlie, help me!

29
00:01:43,919 --> 00:01:47,040
- What's going on?
- Nothing. Go watch TV.

30
00:01:47,257 --> 00:01:49,380
Yeah, right.

31
00:01:59,024 --> 00:02:02,894
Well, I'm sorry, Alan, but who told you
to go sticking your hand in my shower?

32
00:02:03,572 --> 00:02:06,611
Oh, please. How can she sue you?
You have no money.

33
00:02:08,788 --> 00:02:10,249
Oh, boy.

34
00:02:11,000 --> 00:02:14,835
Nothing. Just saw an old girlfriend.
Talk to you later.

35
00:02:16,342 --> 00:02:17,672
Lisa?

36
00:02:18,387 --> 00:02:19,717
Oh, boy.

37
00:02:20,556 --> 00:02:22,965
Charlie. I don't believe it.

38
00:02:23,645 --> 00:02:25,723
- You look great.
- You too.

39
00:02:26,357 --> 00:02:30,689
Although if you're taking votes, I prefer
the brown sock to the beige one.

40
00:02:30,864 --> 00:02:34,235
What? Oh, I got kind of dressed
in a hurry this morning.

41
00:02:34,453 --> 00:02:37,409
Really? Did somebody's husband
come home early?

42
00:02:38,417 --> 00:02:41,753
Why do you always assume the worst?
Can't I just be hung-over?

43
00:02:42,673 --> 00:02:44,667
Sorry. So how are you?

44
00:02:44,885 --> 00:02:48,505
Fine. I mean, you know, considering.

45
00:02:48,724 --> 00:02:50,552
And you? How's married life?

46
00:02:50,770 --> 00:02:53,310
Really great.
Best decision I ever made.

47
00:02:53,482 --> 00:02:55,607
You deserve all the
happiness in the world...

48
00:02:55,778 --> 00:02:59,362
...and you found a guy who can give it.
- Thanks. That's very sweet.

49
00:02:59,575 --> 00:03:03,159
- I mean it sincerely. It warms my heart...
- Okay, we broke up.

50
00:03:04,248 --> 00:03:07,832
Oh, I am so, so sorry. Honestly.

51
00:03:08,504 --> 00:03:10,831
<i>Yes. Yes.</i>

52
00:03:13,052 --> 00:03:17,552
- So, what happened?
- None of your business.

53
00:03:18,477 --> 00:03:20,270
Okay.

54
00:03:26,114 --> 00:03:28,441
I thought he was the sweetest guy
in the world...

55
00:03:28,618 --> 00:03:30,493
...but after we got married,
he changed.

56
00:03:30,663 --> 00:03:33,784
He started drinking a lot,
and lying around the house all day.

57
00:03:34,001 --> 00:03:36,209
Oh, no.

58
00:03:36,421 --> 00:03:38,581
I caught him in the shower
with some bimbo.

59
00:03:38,799 --> 00:03:40,794
Some guys, huh?

60
00:03:41,011 --> 00:03:44,217
Yeah. If I wanted that kind of life,
I could have stayed with you.

61
00:03:44,392 --> 00:03:47,928
Good point.
So, what are you doing for dinner?

62
00:03:49,066 --> 00:03:50,726
- You're shameless.
- Thank you.

63
00:03:50,902 --> 00:03:52,694
- It's not a compliment.
- Whatever.

64
00:03:52,862 --> 00:03:54,442
What are you doing for dinner?

65
00:03:54,658 --> 00:03:56,781
Charlie, a lot has changed.

66
00:03:56,995 --> 00:04:01,290
I know. I'm older and wiser,
and you're hot and on the rebound.

67
00:04:01,502 --> 00:04:02,961
- Charlie.
- Dinner tonight.

68
00:04:03,129 --> 00:04:05,122
I won't take no for an answer.

69
00:04:06,133 --> 00:04:08,803
Hey, lady.
Lady, you forgot your baby.

70
00:04:08,970 --> 00:04:11,260
Charlie, it's not her baby.

71
00:04:13,020 --> 00:04:15,725
Shall we say 7?

72
00:04:19,778 --> 00:04:24,610
Just out of curiosity, what the hell
happened in your brother's bathroom?

73
00:04:25,830 --> 00:04:27,954
- Nothing.
- Dad was wrestling on the floor...

74
00:04:28,124 --> 00:04:29,918
...with a naked lady.

75
00:04:30,461 --> 00:04:33,084
The quiet ones are always the freaks.

76
00:04:34,218 --> 00:04:36,970
- Jake, I was not wrestling.
- But she was naked.

77
00:04:37,180 --> 00:04:39,304
She was taking a shower,
and I didn't know.

78
00:04:39,475 --> 00:04:41,765
When I reached to turn it off,
she was startled.

79
00:04:41,937 --> 00:04:45,604
It was innocent and there's no reason
to tell your mother, understand?

80
00:04:45,818 --> 00:04:49,686
Sure. By the way,
you have to sign my math test.

81
00:04:49,907 --> 00:04:54,786
Okay. D minus?
Jake, how do you get a D minus?

82
00:04:54,998 --> 00:04:57,205
How do you get wrapped
in a shower curtain...

83
00:04:57,377 --> 00:04:59,251
...with a naked lady?

84
00:05:00,632 --> 00:05:02,460
- Did you show this to your mother?
- No.

85
00:05:02,635 --> 00:05:06,088
- Why not?
- I didn't catch her doing anything.

86
00:05:09,395 --> 00:05:10,724
Okay, I'll sign this.

87
00:05:11,523 --> 00:05:14,230
But you are gonna go study
so this won't happen again.

88
00:05:14,695 --> 00:05:17,449
All right, but I wouldn't
get my hopes up.

89
00:05:18,827 --> 00:05:22,078
If you want something from Dad,
now's a good time.

90
00:05:24,209 --> 00:05:27,330
Oh, Alan, I am having the best day.

91
00:05:27,547 --> 00:05:31,760
- Really? Do share it with me.
- Remember Lisa?

92
00:05:31,970 --> 00:05:36,101
Oh, is that the girl who bitch-slapped
me in your shower this morning?

93
00:05:38,481 --> 00:05:41,518
No, that's Meegan...

94
00:05:41,693 --> 00:05:45,112
...or Megan or Sue.

95
00:05:47,452 --> 00:05:51,405
Lisa is the woman that I asked to marry,
but she married this other guy instead.

96
00:05:51,584 --> 00:05:54,456
They're divorced and we're
having dinner. Isn't that great?

97
00:05:54,672 --> 00:05:58,422
I'd applaud, but my hand
was bitten earlier.

98
00:05:59,012 --> 00:06:00,422
I'm sensing you're upset?

99
00:06:00,640 --> 00:06:03,049
Oh, no, no, no.
Why would I be upset?

100
00:06:03,269 --> 00:06:06,105
I mean, besides the...
The bite and the mild concussion...

101
00:06:06,273 --> 00:06:09,690
...that I got from my head bouncing
off your bathroom floor...

102
00:06:09,862 --> 00:06:13,030
...while your shower buddy
was driving her knee into my groin.

103
00:06:14,285 --> 00:06:17,870
She wants to be a talk show host.
I don't see it. Not with that voice.

104
00:06:18,291 --> 00:06:21,246
And to top it all off, my son
saw me entwined on the floor...

105
00:06:21,420 --> 00:06:25,752
...with Meegan or Megan or Sue...

106
00:06:25,927 --> 00:06:28,088
...and is now blackmailing me.

107
00:06:29,142 --> 00:06:30,766
Kid's a genius.

108
00:06:33,271 --> 00:06:35,479
Anyway, here's the wrinkle with Lisa.

109
00:06:35,650 --> 00:06:36,979
She's got a kid now.

110
00:06:37,152 --> 00:06:39,692
I'm not sure where I'm at
with having an instant family.

111
00:06:39,907 --> 00:06:42,280
I'm sorry. Are we done
with what's bothering me?

112
00:06:44,164 --> 00:06:45,623
I am.

113
00:06:47,752 --> 00:06:49,995
It's like talking to a horny chimp.

114
00:06:51,299 --> 00:06:54,006
Well, that was uncalled for.

115
00:06:56,390 --> 00:06:58,965
- So, what do you think?
- About what?

116
00:06:59,352 --> 00:07:01,062
Lisa, me, the kid.

117
00:07:01,397 --> 00:07:03,521
Okay, let's see now.

118
00:07:03,693 --> 00:07:05,899
This is the same woman
you've broken up...

119
00:07:06,070 --> 00:07:08,741
...and gotten back with for years, right?
- Right.

120
00:07:08,952 --> 00:07:11,704
And she turned you down
in order to marry somebody else?

121
00:07:11,914 --> 00:07:13,991
- Yes.
- And then the marriage fell apart...

122
00:07:14,168 --> 00:07:16,577
...and now she's got his baby?
- Yeah.

123
00:07:17,922 --> 00:07:20,713
Sounds perfect. Go for it.

124
00:07:23,222 --> 00:07:26,142
Okay, don't think I don't know
what you're doing.

125
00:07:31,444 --> 00:07:33,437
Are you gonna be okay?

126
00:07:34,531 --> 00:07:36,690
Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

127
00:07:38,244 --> 00:07:41,580
It's just nobody's taken a crap
in my car since college.

128
00:07:43,419 --> 00:07:44,879
Don't be such a baby.

129
00:07:45,089 --> 00:07:47,379
Hey, tell her.

130
00:07:47,884 --> 00:07:51,422
I'll change her diaper while your car
airs out. Then you can take us home.

131
00:07:51,599 --> 00:07:53,639
But what if it happens again?

132
00:07:53,852 --> 00:07:56,558
Don't worry. I'll hold her out
the window till we arrive.

133
00:07:56,773 --> 00:07:59,610
Thank you.
Can I make you a nightcap?

134
00:07:59,819 --> 00:08:01,860
Charlie, I'm breastfeeding, remember?

135
00:08:02,072 --> 00:08:03,533
Oh, right, right.

136
00:08:03,700 --> 00:08:06,193
And may I say, on behalf
of myself, the maÎtre d'...

137
00:08:06,370 --> 00:08:10,121
...and the entire kitchen staff that found
a reason to walk past our table:

138
00:08:10,335 --> 00:08:12,294
You're doing a hell of a job.

139
00:08:16,428 --> 00:08:18,718
Look at what a good
poopie you made.

140
00:08:21,394 --> 00:08:24,765
Mommy's gonna get you
all cleaned up.

141
00:08:28,446 --> 00:08:31,283
- Would you throw this away?
- Sure.

142
00:09:14,183 --> 00:09:16,509
You didn't throw that
on the beach, did you?

143
00:09:16,686 --> 00:09:19,391
No, no. I threw it
on my neighbor's deck.

144
00:09:21,108 --> 00:09:23,731
Long story. He started it.

145
00:09:25,198 --> 00:09:27,441
- So how we doing?
- All done.

146
00:09:27,659 --> 00:09:29,619
Oh, good.

147
00:09:32,124 --> 00:09:35,163
Boy, you hear all these horror stories
about screaming babies...

148
00:09:35,338 --> 00:09:37,712
...but she's not half bad.

149
00:09:37,884 --> 00:09:40,009
She's my little angel.

150
00:09:40,222 --> 00:09:43,805
Kind of weird, huh?
You and me and a baby.

151
00:09:43,976 --> 00:09:45,768
Yeah.

152
00:09:45,938 --> 00:09:50,982
Not that the baby's weird.
It's just the whole, you know, gestalt.

153
00:09:55,869 --> 00:09:57,613
You are so sweet.

154
00:09:57,830 --> 00:09:59,540
I know.

155
00:10:01,378 --> 00:10:03,206
Wanna go upstairs?

156
00:10:03,924 --> 00:10:07,092
- No, I have to go home.
- Why?

157
00:10:07,262 --> 00:10:09,967
What do you mean, why?
I have a baby.

158
00:10:10,141 --> 00:10:12,977
Okay, she can stay too.

159
00:10:13,188 --> 00:10:16,355
I can't spend the night.
I didn't bring enough diapers...

160
00:10:16,525 --> 00:10:18,603
...the bassinet.
I don't have a breast pump.

161
00:10:18,821 --> 00:10:21,656
So? We'll do it the old-fashioned way.

162
00:10:21,867 --> 00:10:24,954
What are you gonna do, Charlie?
Milk me?

163
00:10:26,248 --> 00:10:27,909
What kind of thing is that to say?

164
00:10:28,126 --> 00:10:31,164
What makes you think I'm ready
to jump back into bed with you?

165
00:10:32,090 --> 00:10:34,762
I don't know. Because I'm sweet?

166
00:10:34,971 --> 00:10:36,679
You weren't ready when I was single.

167
00:10:36,849 --> 00:10:38,806
How are you gonna
handle me and a baby?

168
00:10:38,976 --> 00:10:42,928
Easy. I love babies, babies love me.
Look how good I get along with Jake.

169
00:10:43,108 --> 00:10:44,437
Jake's 11.

170
00:10:44,611 --> 00:10:47,647
So? He was 10 when I met him.

171
00:10:48,699 --> 00:10:51,452
Gosh, they grow so quickly, don't they?

172
00:10:52,370 --> 00:10:55,659
- Okay, look. If you're serious...
- I am.

173
00:10:55,835 --> 00:11:00,130
- come over tomorrow night to our place.
I'll make dinner, we'll see what happens.

174
00:11:00,300 --> 00:11:02,093
Or we go to your place now...

175
00:11:02,262 --> 00:11:04,933
...having already eaten,
and see what happens.

176
00:11:05,100 --> 00:11:07,638
Still incapable of delaying
gratification, aren't you?

177
00:11:07,811 --> 00:11:09,686
No, no, no, I've grown.

178
00:11:09,856 --> 00:11:12,063
I learned to put the needs
of others before me.

179
00:11:12,235 --> 00:11:14,110
- Really?
- Oh, yeah. Absolutely.

180
00:11:14,279 --> 00:11:16,854
The old thoughtless,
selfish Charlie is gone...

181
00:11:17,034 --> 00:11:18,695
...and I say good riddance to him.

182
00:11:19,621 --> 00:11:22,243
Now, come on.
I'll take you home.

183
00:11:23,169 --> 00:11:24,746
- Charlie?
- Yeah?

184
00:11:24,920 --> 00:11:26,332
The baby.

185
00:11:43,906 --> 00:11:45,236
This makes no sense.

186
00:11:45,409 --> 00:11:47,783
It's math. It makes perfect sense.

187
00:11:47,955 --> 00:11:52,038
Well, then I guess we'll just
have to agree to disagree.

188
00:11:52,254 --> 00:11:54,165
No, you just have to do the work.

189
00:11:54,590 --> 00:11:59,385
Well, maybe I have a learning disability,
or a syndrome of some sort.

190
00:11:59,598 --> 00:12:02,386
You don't have a learning disability.
You're just lazy.

191
00:12:03,020 --> 00:12:04,930
Maybe that's the syndrome.

192
00:12:21,006 --> 00:12:24,126
See you later. And by "later,"
I'm hoping tomorrow.

193
00:12:24,302 --> 00:12:27,802
Is there anything in your shower
I need to know about?

194
00:12:29,853 --> 00:12:32,938
Oh, come on. That's the most
action you've had in months.

195
00:12:33,566 --> 00:12:35,892
I have a loose tooth.

196
00:12:36,613 --> 00:12:40,197
Can't you just be happy for me?
The woman I love is back in my life.

197
00:12:40,369 --> 00:12:44,699
That's great. I'm thrilled.
I can't eat apples.

198
00:12:45,877 --> 00:12:48,629
I'll bring you back some
applesauce from Lisa's.

199
00:12:49,757 --> 00:12:53,045
Her kid needs to lay off
the fiber anyway.

200
00:12:53,222 --> 00:12:55,381
Oh, yeah. How's that working out?

201
00:12:55,558 --> 00:12:59,010
With the kid? She's great. I love kids.

202
00:12:59,187 --> 00:13:02,689
Really? Tell me. How many
diapers have you changed so far?

203
00:13:02,860 --> 00:13:06,728
Well, none, actually.
But I am credited with an assist.

204
00:13:07,658 --> 00:13:09,653
- Have you fed the baby?
- No.

205
00:13:09,871 --> 00:13:12,991
- Dressed the baby? Bathed the baby?
- No. What's your point, Alan?

206
00:13:13,209 --> 00:13:16,580
- Nothing. Have fun.
- Thanks.

207
00:13:16,798 --> 00:13:18,792
I intend to.

208
00:13:21,764 --> 00:13:24,302
Don't think I don't know
what you're doing.

209
00:13:30,903 --> 00:13:34,024
- What was that?
- Coyotes, Charlie.

210
00:13:35,994 --> 00:13:38,403
Probably dropped her pacifier.
I'll be right back.

211
00:13:38,580 --> 00:13:41,619
- No, no, no. You stay. I'll take care of it.
- Really?

212
00:13:41,793 --> 00:13:46,044
Oh, yeah. No problem.
I'm great with babies.

213
00:13:46,802 --> 00:13:48,878
Pacifier is the little nipple thing, right?

214
00:13:50,724 --> 00:13:51,887
Be right back.

215
00:13:56,525 --> 00:13:58,566
<i>Hey, little baby, you decent?</i>

216
00:13:59,362 --> 00:14:01,819
<i>Okay, here's your pacifier, sweetie.</i>

217
00:14:01,991 --> 00:14:05,077
<i>Not as good as the real thing,
am I right?</i>

218
00:14:07,500 --> 00:14:10,834
<i>Smells like one of us
just crapped our pants.</i>

219
00:14:11,004 --> 00:14:13,213
<i>I sure hope it's you.</i>

220
00:14:13,717 --> 00:14:15,960
<i>Let's take a look.</i>

221
00:14:18,390 --> 00:14:20,184
Charlie? You okay?

222
00:14:22,190 --> 00:14:24,811
- What?
- Is everything okay?

223
00:14:24,983 --> 00:14:28,319
Oh, yeah. Just a little
diaper issue. I can take care of it.

224
00:14:29,491 --> 00:14:32,327
And then I'll be back
to take care of you.

225
00:14:36,626 --> 00:14:39,202
<i>Okay. Let's just take this thing off.</i>

226
00:14:39,632 --> 00:14:42,004
<i>Oh, sweet Lord.</i>

227
00:14:43,931 --> 00:14:47,181
<i>Did you have Thai food
for dinner, or what?</i>

228
00:14:47,810 --> 00:14:51,228
<i>Man, Babe Ruth took smaller dumps.</i>

229
00:14:53,444 --> 00:14:55,189
Do you need any help?

230
00:14:57,617 --> 00:14:59,242
What?

231
00:14:59,411 --> 00:15:01,037
Do you need any help?

232
00:15:01,205 --> 00:15:03,033
No, we're good.

233
00:15:08,216 --> 00:15:11,884
<i>Okay. Now we wipe the tushy.</i>

234
00:15:13,224 --> 00:15:15,514
<i>Sorry. It's not you. It's me.</i>

235
00:15:15,686 --> 00:15:20,149
<i>Wipe it again. Third time's the charm.</i>

236
00:15:20,317 --> 00:15:23,606
<i>Little powder. Oh, that smells nice.</i>

237
00:15:23,781 --> 00:15:28,945
<i>Maybe a little powder for my tushy.
Don 't tell your mommy.</i>

238
00:15:30,499 --> 00:15:33,621
Charlie, I can hear you on the monitor.

239
00:15:34,463 --> 00:15:35,793
<i>Oh, right.</i>

240
00:15:36,175 --> 00:15:38,797
<i>People of Earth...</i>

241
00:15:38,971 --> 00:15:41,344
<i>... we mean you no harm.</i>

242
00:15:44,522 --> 00:15:48,356
See? This one is wrong, this is wrong.
Jake, you have to check your work.

243
00:15:48,526 --> 00:15:50,106
These are careless mistakes.

244
00:15:50,321 --> 00:15:54,786
Maybe I'm not careless.
Maybe I ate lead paint as a child.

245
00:15:55,537 --> 00:15:59,039
- Here. Do it again.
- Fine.

246
00:16:02,631 --> 00:16:05,384
Dad, are you and Mom related?

247
00:16:11,311 --> 00:16:12,856
I'm sorry. What?

248
00:16:13,230 --> 00:16:16,850
Well, if you marry your cousin,
your kids will be stupid, right?

249
00:16:19,240 --> 00:16:21,863
Jake, you're not stupid,
your mother's not my cousin...

250
00:16:22,035 --> 00:16:25,656
...and you're not going anywhere
until you do your homework.

251
00:16:27,836 --> 00:16:30,163
Like I have somewhere to go.

252
00:16:31,676 --> 00:16:36,720
There we go.
You were a hungry little girl.

253
00:16:37,351 --> 00:16:39,011
Of course she was hungry.

254
00:16:39,187 --> 00:16:42,639
She must of dropped half her
body weight in that last diaper.

255
00:16:45,864 --> 00:16:49,032
What a good burp.
Wasn't that a good burp, Charlie?

256
00:16:49,243 --> 00:16:52,946
Oh, yeah. Wait till you
meet my nephew.

257
00:16:53,124 --> 00:16:56,210
<i>He can belch the theme from Shaft.</i>

258
00:16:57,129 --> 00:16:59,337
All right. Good night, sweetheart.

259
00:17:00,428 --> 00:17:02,220
Oh, there we go.

260
00:17:05,435 --> 00:17:07,393
Now, where were we?

261
00:17:07,730 --> 00:17:09,058
Oh, yeah.

262
00:17:09,650 --> 00:17:12,271
You know, I'm a little tired.
Aren't you tired?

263
00:17:12,487 --> 00:17:14,896
- What's wrong?
- Nothing.

264
00:17:15,116 --> 00:17:18,534
Was it the breastfeeding? Because
in the restaurant, it turned you on.

265
00:17:19,289 --> 00:17:22,245
I know, but there I wasn't on deck.

266
00:17:22,919 --> 00:17:24,628
So you don't wanna fool around?

267
00:17:25,255 --> 00:17:28,675
It's not that. I'm looking
at the sexiest woman in the world...

268
00:17:28,846 --> 00:17:31,716
...and all I can see is a Thermos.

269
00:17:32,309 --> 00:17:36,439
Charlie, there are things you do with
your penis that aren't exactly a turn-on.

270
00:17:36,649 --> 00:17:39,105
You mean the puppet show?

271
00:17:40,154 --> 00:17:44,070
<i>I thought you loved The Amazing
Adventures of Stretch Armstrong.</i>

272
00:17:44,450 --> 00:17:48,783
That's not what I meant.
Now, come on. Come to mama.

273
00:17:49,544 --> 00:17:53,957
Okay, time. "Come to mama"
bums me a little.

274
00:17:54,342 --> 00:17:58,045
Can we make it
"Come to Catholic schoolgirl"?

275
00:17:58,431 --> 00:18:01,350
Yes, Monsignor.

276
00:18:01,728 --> 00:18:03,768
Hallelujah.

277
00:18:09,281 --> 00:18:11,988
Here you go. Two sugars, no cream.

278
00:18:12,161 --> 00:18:17,917
Oh, perfect. And I don't mind saying,
last night was none too shabby either.

279
00:18:18,462 --> 00:18:23,625
"Dear diary: Coffee perfect,
sex none too shabby."

280
00:18:24,386 --> 00:18:26,464
You know what I mean.

281
00:18:26,683 --> 00:18:29,258
I can't remember
why we kept breaking up.

282
00:18:29,645 --> 00:18:34,227
- You can't?
- Well, I can. I was just being romantic.

283
00:18:34,445 --> 00:18:37,400
- What are you doing?
- Putting on my pants.

284
00:18:37,615 --> 00:18:40,024
You're leaving already?

285
00:18:41,663 --> 00:18:42,992
No.

286
00:18:43,208 --> 00:18:46,164
So why are you putting
on your pants, then?

287
00:18:47,214 --> 00:18:50,002
I don't know.
Did you wanna wear them?

288
00:18:52,262 --> 00:18:54,090
Forget it.

289
00:18:55,601 --> 00:18:57,559
Hey, I've gotta go home
sooner or later.

290
00:18:57,772 --> 00:19:00,181
- Go home whenever you want.
- I can't leave...

291
00:19:00,360 --> 00:19:02,268
...when you're in this mood.
- What mood?

292
00:19:02,445 --> 00:19:03,773
This mood.

293
00:19:03,947 --> 00:19:06,654
Oh, just leave, Charlie.
It's what you do best.

294
00:19:07,745 --> 00:19:11,578
No, it's what I do after
I do what I do best.

295
00:19:14,256 --> 00:19:17,341
Oh, come on.
I was just putting on my pants.

296
00:19:17,509 --> 00:19:21,461
- You wanna spend the day with us?
- The whole day?

297
00:19:24,062 --> 00:19:27,513
- Here are your shoes.
- Hang on a second.

298
00:19:27,691 --> 00:19:29,980
Is this some hormonal
thing because of the baby?

299
00:19:30,152 --> 00:19:33,939
No, it's some kind of
stupid thing because you're stupid.

300
00:19:35,369 --> 00:19:38,242
Any time I don't behave the way
you want, it's hormonal.

301
00:19:38,708 --> 00:19:41,662
Not every time, but you
gotta admit there is a pattern.

302
00:19:41,879 --> 00:19:43,588
You know the pattern I see?

303
00:19:43,757 --> 00:19:47,343
Every time things start going well for us,
you find an excuse to run.

304
00:19:47,555 --> 00:19:49,216
No, no, no. You push me away.

305
00:19:49,432 --> 00:19:51,390
How? How do I push you away?

306
00:19:51,602 --> 00:19:54,640
Like this. You pick a fight over
nothing and say I can't commit.

307
00:19:54,815 --> 00:19:57,189
- You can't commit.
- Hey, I can commit.

308
00:19:57,360 --> 00:19:59,320
Oh, yeah? Prove it.

309
00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:02,284
Fine. I'll start right now.

310
00:20:06,918 --> 00:20:09,492
I'm gonna stay here all day.

311
00:20:13,010 --> 00:20:15,763
- Really?
- Really.

312
00:20:17,517 --> 00:20:20,188
We're talking a business day, right?

313
00:20:24,526 --> 00:20:29,156
- Hey. How did it go with Lisa?
- I don't think it's gonna work out.

314
00:20:29,535 --> 00:20:33,403
Really? Even with the little baby
there to help smooth things along?

315
00:20:34,584 --> 00:20:35,913
It wasn't the baby.

316
00:20:37,171 --> 00:20:39,878
She has commitment issues.

317
00:20:40,509 --> 00:20:43,797
Oh, that's too bad. Hey, what's that
splattered all over your shirt?

318
00:20:44,182 --> 00:20:46,674
Coffee and breast milk.

319
00:20:48,104 --> 00:20:51,439
What happened?
Did Starbucks merge with Hooters?

320
00:20:52,736 --> 00:20:54,896
Hooterbucks.

321
00:20:55,825 --> 00:20:59,195
I'd like a double-D cup latte, please.

322
00:21:10,763 --> 00:21:13,221
Dad, you gotta sign this.

323
00:21:15,020 --> 00:21:18,390
Another D?
Jake, what is wrong with you?

324
00:21:18,567 --> 00:21:20,608
Well, I have a theory.

325
00:21:20,778 --> 00:21:22,487
Oh, really? Another one. Do tell.

326
00:21:22,698 --> 00:21:24,573
I'm a crack baby.

327
00:21:29,083 --> 00:21:31,123
Kid's a genius.