1 00:00:12,934 --> 00:00:16,980 Tequila, checkbook, sourpuss. 2 00:00:17,900 --> 00:00:20,189 Must be alimony time. 3 00:00:20,653 --> 00:00:22,730 Go away, Charlie. 4 00:00:23,157 --> 00:00:27,108 Boy, you'd think for all that money, she'd at least come and give you a lap dance. 5 00:00:27,496 --> 00:00:30,914 - Leave me alone, Charlie. - In fact, you know what'd be funny? 6 00:00:31,084 --> 00:00:33,756 Where it says "memo," write "lap dance." 7 00:00:34,422 --> 00:00:37,211 Give her something to explain at tax time. 8 00:00:38,470 --> 00:00:40,012 Charlie, you... 9 00:00:40,974 --> 00:00:42,634 Okay. 10 00:00:43,227 --> 00:00:45,350 - So where's Jake? - Sleeping at a friend's. 11 00:00:45,522 --> 00:00:47,598 - He'll get dropped off tomorrow. - Oh, man. 12 00:00:47,775 --> 00:00:50,266 - I rented a movie he'd like. - Oh, what'd you get? 13 00:00:50,445 --> 00:00:52,522 Don't worry. It's educational. 14 00:00:52,740 --> 00:00:55,612 One Million Years B. C.? How is this educational? 15 00:00:55,994 --> 00:01:00,075 Raquel Welch running from dinosaurs in a fur bikini? 16 00:01:00,626 --> 00:01:02,785 What is that if not history? 17 00:01:03,546 --> 00:01:06,501 I'm afraid you're gonna have to watch it by yourself. 18 00:01:06,676 --> 00:01:08,669 Won't be the first time. 19 00:01:10,389 --> 00:01:12,183 What's the deal with that giraffe? 20 00:01:12,351 --> 00:01:15,471 How come you bring it out every time you write an alimony check? 21 00:01:15,813 --> 00:01:17,523 It's symbolic. 22 00:01:19,069 --> 00:01:20,943 Do you wanna know what it's symbolic of? 23 00:01:21,113 --> 00:01:22,906 No, I'm good. 24 00:01:24,535 --> 00:01:27,702 I made it in ceramics class for Judith when we were dating. 25 00:01:29,583 --> 00:01:33,796 All these years I've been shelling out for tennis bracelets and satin underwear. 26 00:01:34,382 --> 00:01:37,052 Some women aren't impressed with jewelry and lingerie. 27 00:01:37,511 --> 00:01:39,836 Well, sure, if you wanna date a dead girl. 28 00:01:42,518 --> 00:01:44,393 Hey, I just realized. 29 00:01:44,562 --> 00:01:48,692 Your name is Al, and you're sending your ex-wife money... 30 00:01:48,861 --> 00:01:53,406 ...so it's "Al-i-money." 31 00:01:55,119 --> 00:01:59,035 Hey, hey, I just realized, your name is Charlie... 32 00:01:59,209 --> 00:02:01,165 ...and you're a moron. 33 00:02:05,884 --> 00:02:08,008 Be that as it may. 34 00:02:08,221 --> 00:02:10,510 If you gave her the giraffe, why do you have it? 35 00:02:10,891 --> 00:02:13,514 When Judith kicked me out, I wanted to get back at her. 36 00:02:13,687 --> 00:02:16,393 She took the house, she took the car, she took the money. 37 00:02:16,566 --> 00:02:20,731 - I felt I had to take something. - So you stole bric-a-brac. 38 00:02:22,199 --> 00:02:25,367 - Symbolic bric-a-brac. - Oh, right. 39 00:02:25,912 --> 00:02:28,665 You see, now every month when I write the check... 40 00:02:28,833 --> 00:02:32,334 ...I can look at it and remind myself... 41 00:02:32,755 --> 00:02:35,924 ...what a pathetic loser I am. 42 00:02:38,639 --> 00:02:41,641 No, dude. You don't need a giraffe for that. 43 00:02:43,228 --> 00:02:44,639 Get rid of the damn thing. 44 00:02:44,814 --> 00:02:46,937 You're killing yourself with this bitterness. 45 00:02:47,275 --> 00:02:50,360 What, you think I'm hurting myself more than her? 46 00:02:50,572 --> 00:02:53,028 No, I don't think you're hurting her at all. 47 00:02:53,910 --> 00:02:55,571 You need to move on, buddy. 48 00:02:57,832 --> 00:03:00,584 You're right. You're right. 49 00:03:00,753 --> 00:03:03,541 And you know what would be truly symbolic of that? 50 00:03:03,715 --> 00:03:07,466 Getting your knob shined by a keno waitress in Laughlin? 51 00:03:08,514 --> 00:03:11,136 No. No. 52 00:03:12,102 --> 00:03:16,765 Me bringing this back to Judith and apologizing for taking it. 53 00:03:19,195 --> 00:03:21,355 I like my idea better. 54 00:03:21,824 --> 00:03:23,699 Okay, here's the plan. 55 00:03:23,869 --> 00:03:27,073 I'll bring this little fella back to Judith, and clean the slate. 56 00:03:27,707 --> 00:03:29,582 Did you even consider my idea? 57 00:03:30,546 --> 00:03:32,502 - You drive. - Why do I have to go? 58 00:03:32,673 --> 00:03:35,711 Because I am obviously too drunk to drive. 59 00:03:36,136 --> 00:03:38,759 What does that say about your plan? 60 00:03:48,529 --> 00:03:49,857 Alan, wait. 61 00:03:50,030 --> 00:03:52,652 You can't stop me. I am giving Judith back the giraffe. 62 00:03:52,826 --> 00:03:55,698 Oh, I don't wanna stop you. I just want a good view. 63 00:03:56,873 --> 00:03:59,032 Okay, you can stay. 64 00:04:00,504 --> 00:04:04,289 Charlie, look at this. What is this? "The Harpers." 65 00:04:04,926 --> 00:04:07,418 - Yeah, so? - She's not the Harpers anymore. 66 00:04:07,596 --> 00:04:09,720 She's the Harper. 67 00:04:11,518 --> 00:04:13,097 That mat is a complete lie. 68 00:04:13,480 --> 00:04:16,150 Yeah, and it's in cahoots with the mailbox. 69 00:04:19,071 --> 00:04:21,398 Come on, ring the bell. 70 00:04:24,037 --> 00:04:25,781 You and me, we're the Harpers. 71 00:04:27,458 --> 00:04:29,167 Us. 72 00:04:31,297 --> 00:04:33,836 Oh, Alan. 73 00:04:35,302 --> 00:04:36,845 Hi. 74 00:04:38,348 --> 00:04:41,137 Dr. Melnick. Is Jake all right? 75 00:04:41,603 --> 00:04:44,891 I assume so. He's spending the night at a friend's. 76 00:04:45,108 --> 00:04:46,935 Oh, that's right, that's right. 77 00:04:47,111 --> 00:04:51,359 Dr. Melnick is Jake's pediatrician, so naturally, I thought... 78 00:04:57,000 --> 00:04:58,708 Oh, okay. 79 00:05:01,214 --> 00:05:03,920 Looks like somebody else has given your wife the giraffe. 80 00:05:06,305 --> 00:05:09,390 Make sure they didn't forget the garlic balls. 81 00:05:12,229 --> 00:05:13,938 What are you doing here? 82 00:05:14,107 --> 00:05:17,809 Why don't I just get back in the hot tub and give you guys a minute. 83 00:05:19,239 --> 00:05:22,195 - Well? - I came to give you this. 84 00:05:22,661 --> 00:05:26,446 - What is it? - I made it for you. 85 00:05:26,916 --> 00:05:31,414 - Just now? - No, no, a long time ago. 86 00:05:33,050 --> 00:05:35,377 It's symbolic. 87 00:05:38,267 --> 00:05:41,635 Alan, you're a disturbed man. You need help. 88 00:05:42,397 --> 00:05:44,271 Enjoy those garlic balls. 89 00:05:45,776 --> 00:05:48,398 Wow, that was more fun than I expected. 90 00:05:48,781 --> 00:05:52,197 - Come on, giraffe boy, I'll buy you a drink. - Okay. 91 00:05:52,369 --> 00:05:54,529 Wait, wait, wait. 92 00:06:07,891 --> 00:06:10,050 Our pediatrician. 93 00:06:10,227 --> 00:06:17,111 My ex-wife is sleeping with our pediatrician. 94 00:06:20,826 --> 00:06:23,198 I wonder if she gets a lollipop after every visit. 95 00:06:30,881 --> 00:06:33,207 You know, you're actually a very lucky man. 96 00:06:33,385 --> 00:06:36,886 Oh, really? Really? How am I lucky, Charlie? Show me the luck. 97 00:06:37,057 --> 00:06:39,549 Well, first of all, if Jake ever gets sick or hurt... 98 00:06:39,727 --> 00:06:41,935 ...free medical care is only a hot tub away. 99 00:06:42,981 --> 00:06:45,937 Well, that's true. He is good with kids. 100 00:06:46,111 --> 00:06:48,234 I begged her to do it with me in the hot tub. 101 00:06:48,406 --> 00:06:50,980 She said it made her hair frizzy. 102 00:06:51,869 --> 00:06:54,871 Well, apparently, she's found the right conditioner. 103 00:06:55,250 --> 00:06:58,500 What if she's serious about this guy? What if she marries him? 104 00:06:58,837 --> 00:07:01,507 - Even better. - Better? 105 00:07:01,674 --> 00:07:03,799 How is it better? Show me the better. 106 00:07:04,011 --> 00:07:06,585 If she marries him, you're off the hook for alimony. 107 00:07:08,726 --> 00:07:10,684 That is better. 108 00:07:11,062 --> 00:07:14,812 In fact, if you saw the big picture, you'd encourage this relationship. 109 00:07:14,984 --> 00:07:18,189 This guy is a real catch for you. Don't let him get away. 110 00:07:18,573 --> 00:07:21,409 You're right. Maybe I should go back there... 111 00:07:21,577 --> 00:07:25,707 ...and, you know, bless their union. - No, no, no. 112 00:07:26,209 --> 00:07:28,036 You provided the woman and the hot tub. 113 00:07:28,211 --> 00:07:32,461 - That's enough for one night. - Yeah, I guess. 114 00:07:37,641 --> 00:07:41,308 - Probably even paid for the garlic balls. - Yeah. 115 00:08:08,518 --> 00:08:11,473 - Could I get some more coffee, Berta? - Who's stopping you? 116 00:08:24,123 --> 00:08:25,619 Get your own damn coffee. 117 00:08:29,297 --> 00:08:32,834 - Well, Charlie, you're finally up. - Hey, Mom. 118 00:08:34,013 --> 00:08:36,220 - Where's my grandson? - He's at a sleepover. 119 00:08:36,391 --> 00:08:38,467 - He'll be here later. - And no one calls me? 120 00:08:38,644 --> 00:08:41,183 I wouldn't come over if I'd been told he wasn't here. 121 00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:43,439 Good to know. 122 00:08:43,609 --> 00:08:46,101 Where's your brother? His car's not in the driveway. 123 00:08:46,322 --> 00:08:50,403 Hey, Mom, I'm not even sure where my pants are. 124 00:08:50,744 --> 00:08:55,538 All right. Well, looks like you and I get to spend a little quality time together. 125 00:08:56,211 --> 00:09:00,542 Gee, I'd love to, but I got my regular Sunday morning softball game. 126 00:09:00,758 --> 00:09:02,088 - Charlie. - Yeah. 127 00:09:02,260 --> 00:09:04,135 It's Saturday. 128 00:09:06,682 --> 00:09:08,641 Damn. 129 00:09:24,417 --> 00:09:27,834 - Oh, you're still here. - Yeah. 130 00:09:28,004 --> 00:09:32,004 - Listen, Alan, I'm really sorry about... - No, no, no. I should apologize to you. 131 00:09:32,178 --> 00:09:35,429 Showing up last night unannounced. That's completely inappropriate. 132 00:09:35,599 --> 00:09:38,173 And I came by to tell you it won't happen again. 133 00:09:41,023 --> 00:09:45,104 So you came over unannounced to apologize for coming over unannounced? 134 00:09:45,822 --> 00:09:47,530 I was afraid you'd pick up on that. 135 00:09:48,992 --> 00:09:51,116 - Is Judith up yet? - Actually, she's not here. 136 00:09:51,288 --> 00:09:53,365 She ran to the market. 137 00:09:53,583 --> 00:09:57,996 Up and out this early on a Saturday? Good for her. 138 00:09:58,172 --> 00:10:00,380 She used to sleep a lot when we were together. 139 00:10:00,550 --> 00:10:03,422 It was probably just the depression and the meds. 140 00:10:05,140 --> 00:10:07,467 - Meds? - Oh, no, it was nothing serious. 141 00:10:07,644 --> 00:10:11,975 Just your everyday little pink pill to turn that frown upside down. 142 00:10:13,151 --> 00:10:15,524 Alan, I gotta tell you, this is a little awkward... 143 00:10:15,697 --> 00:10:17,241 No, please, don't feel awkward. 144 00:10:17,408 --> 00:10:20,695 Look, we're obviously going to be seeing each other a lot. 145 00:10:20,871 --> 00:10:23,410 There's no reason for anybody to feel uncomfortable. 146 00:10:24,585 --> 00:10:26,494 That's a very mature attitude. Thank you. 147 00:10:26,713 --> 00:10:28,042 Well, you're welcome. 148 00:10:30,300 --> 00:10:32,627 So let me make you some coffee. 149 00:10:38,813 --> 00:10:40,308 Are we supposed to believe... 150 00:10:40,482 --> 00:10:44,777 ...that cavewomen waxed their legs and wore fur bikinis? 151 00:10:44,987 --> 00:10:47,111 It's not a documentary, Mom. 152 00:10:51,580 --> 00:10:54,536 You know, I'm not gonna be around forever... 153 00:10:54,710 --> 00:10:58,544 ...and the time will come when you'll regret ignoring me. 154 00:11:02,137 --> 00:11:07,513 - Charlie, why do you hate me? - What? 155 00:11:07,686 --> 00:11:11,732 Whenever I come, you do everything you can to avoid spending time with me. 156 00:11:12,068 --> 00:11:13,729 Obviously not everything. 157 00:11:16,990 --> 00:11:18,819 We're spending time together right now. 158 00:11:18,994 --> 00:11:22,744 You're just staring at the television, and it's not even on anymore. 159 00:11:23,793 --> 00:11:26,331 I can still see you. 160 00:11:27,715 --> 00:11:30,386 Charlie, look at me. 161 00:11:40,065 --> 00:11:43,934 - How long you wanna do this for? - I want you to talk to me. 162 00:11:44,405 --> 00:11:48,902 - Okay, I'm out of here. - No, no, wait, Berta. 163 00:11:49,078 --> 00:11:52,911 - Come, sit, talk. - Mommy-and-me time over already? 164 00:11:53,543 --> 00:11:56,082 - He hates me. - No, I don't. 165 00:11:56,422 --> 00:11:59,339 - Please, Berta, I need you. - I'm done. I wanna go home. 166 00:11:59,509 --> 00:12:05,099 - Berta, I'm begging you. - Oh, all right. 167 00:12:13,446 --> 00:12:16,021 So why do you hate your mother? 168 00:12:19,788 --> 00:12:21,946 Here we go. 169 00:12:23,125 --> 00:12:25,832 Coffee, juice, and my secret stash of Mint Milanos... 170 00:12:26,004 --> 00:12:27,915 ...from the back of the freezer. 171 00:12:28,091 --> 00:12:31,711 Just a tip: If you want quality cookies around here, you gotta hide them. 172 00:12:31,889 --> 00:12:34,807 Judith eats Pepperidge Farm like she's going to the chair. 173 00:12:34,976 --> 00:12:39,224 So tell me a little bit about yourself. Ever been married? 174 00:12:39,942 --> 00:12:44,569 - My wife passed away. - Oh, I'm so sorry. 175 00:12:47,619 --> 00:12:49,576 No alimony, though. Gotta love that. 176 00:12:57,632 --> 00:12:59,507 Hey, hey, here's a funny thing. 177 00:13:02,223 --> 00:13:06,886 My name's Al and... And I give Judith money. 178 00:13:07,062 --> 00:13:10,184 So it's... So it's alimony. 179 00:13:11,570 --> 00:13:16,528 - Wouldn't it be "Al-i-money"? - I was afraid you'd pick up on that. 180 00:13:18,537 --> 00:13:20,946 - You got kids? - No. 181 00:13:21,124 --> 00:13:23,996 Well, that's a blessing. What with the dead wife and all. 182 00:13:30,429 --> 00:13:33,348 - Mint Milanos? - No, thank you. 183 00:13:34,309 --> 00:13:37,477 So anyway, kids. Hey, you know, it's not too late for you. 184 00:13:37,647 --> 00:13:39,307 Judith is a wonderful mother. 185 00:13:39,859 --> 00:13:42,102 We're not at that stage in our relationship. 186 00:13:42,278 --> 00:13:44,355 Oh, of course not. 187 00:13:44,741 --> 00:13:49,155 On the other hand, you don't wanna wait too long. She's no spring chicken. 188 00:13:51,124 --> 00:13:52,999 You know, eggwise. 189 00:13:56,841 --> 00:14:00,175 So I'm having this nice Mother's Day dinner with my slutty daughter... 190 00:14:00,345 --> 00:14:02,055 ...and her idiot boyfriend. 191 00:14:02,223 --> 00:14:06,009 Suddenly, the front door comes down and the room fills with tear gas. 192 00:14:06,187 --> 00:14:09,474 Next thing I know, I'm belly-up on the floor, hacking out a lung... 193 00:14:09,650 --> 00:14:13,020 ...while the cops are dragging out Bonnie and Claude in handcuffs. 194 00:14:13,531 --> 00:14:17,779 Come to find out that the money that I loaned them to open a tanning salon... 195 00:14:17,954 --> 00:14:22,000 ...was used to turn my tool shed into a hydroponic pot farm. 196 00:14:22,544 --> 00:14:24,287 - Unbelievable. - Yeah. 197 00:14:24,462 --> 00:14:27,300 Your daughter came to visit on Mother's Day. 198 00:14:27,509 --> 00:14:31,294 Sure, what ungrateful mutt doesn't visit their mother on Mother's Day? 199 00:14:35,854 --> 00:14:39,853 - One year I forgot. Let it go. - When's my birthday? 200 00:14:41,445 --> 00:14:44,232 - Excuse me? - You heard me. 201 00:14:45,617 --> 00:14:50,365 - What's that got to do with anything? - You don't know your mother's birthday? 202 00:14:51,168 --> 00:14:54,453 - Well, not by heart. - Charlie. 203 00:14:54,630 --> 00:15:00,089 - What? She changes it all the time. - Just the year, not the day. 204 00:15:01,264 --> 00:15:03,838 Hey, I just realized something. I can leave. 205 00:15:05,353 --> 00:15:08,689 Fine. But before you go, just tell me one thing. 206 00:15:09,526 --> 00:15:11,769 - What? - Why do you hate me? 207 00:15:11,987 --> 00:15:16,866 Oh, Mom, for God's sakes, l... Rose! 208 00:15:17,453 --> 00:15:22,248 No, no, no. Rose, wait. Rose, come on in. 209 00:15:23,337 --> 00:15:27,253 Look, my mom's here. You like my mom. 210 00:15:27,427 --> 00:15:30,796 - Oh, sure. Hi, Evelyn. - Hello, dear. 211 00:15:32,642 --> 00:15:35,513 - Are those my pants? - Oh, no. 212 00:15:35,688 --> 00:15:37,931 I bought these. 213 00:15:38,108 --> 00:15:41,810 But I think this might be your wallet and keys. 214 00:15:45,576 --> 00:15:47,902 Evelyn, you get younger every time I see you. 215 00:15:48,080 --> 00:15:51,782 Oh, aren't you a dear. And thank you for the birthday card. 216 00:15:51,960 --> 00:15:54,963 - Oh, did you get it on time? - Yes, I did, and it was lovely. 217 00:15:55,132 --> 00:15:56,675 So sweet of you to remember me. 218 00:15:57,093 --> 00:15:59,300 How could anybody forget your birthday? 219 00:16:05,605 --> 00:16:09,901 Well, yeah. You know, she does become a little emotional at times, huh? 220 00:16:10,069 --> 00:16:12,228 I thought she was getting over your divorce. 221 00:16:12,406 --> 00:16:15,362 No, no. She was over the divorce while I was still packing. 222 00:16:16,370 --> 00:16:20,950 No, what you're seeing is low blood sugar. 223 00:16:21,126 --> 00:16:25,625 The trick to that is to always have some Fun Size Snickers in your pocket. 224 00:16:25,800 --> 00:16:28,292 - It'll perk her right up. - Really? 225 00:16:28,470 --> 00:16:30,927 Oh, yeah. Oh, and here's another tip. 226 00:16:31,100 --> 00:16:35,893 When she starts crying for no reason, and she will... 227 00:16:36,649 --> 00:16:40,730 ...never say, "Don't cry." And try not to touch her. 228 00:16:40,905 --> 00:16:43,313 - Okay. - Or whistle. 229 00:16:44,242 --> 00:16:47,031 Never, ever whistle. 230 00:16:51,377 --> 00:16:55,424 Okay, maybe I forgot a birthday or two. Maybe I don't return every single call. 231 00:16:55,592 --> 00:16:58,084 But that doesn't mean I hate her. 232 00:16:58,303 --> 00:17:00,463 Was he breast-fed? 233 00:17:02,935 --> 00:17:07,149 Of course he was. Not by me personally. 234 00:17:09,277 --> 00:17:12,115 That's interesting. I see the bras that come through here... 235 00:17:12,282 --> 00:17:14,275 ...and he does tend to favor the big yams. 236 00:17:14,451 --> 00:17:18,071 - I do not. - Oh, really? 237 00:17:18,582 --> 00:17:22,878 - Raquel Welch. - Hey, that's a damn fine film. 238 00:17:23,631 --> 00:17:26,004 Come to think of it, the night we were together... 239 00:17:26,177 --> 00:17:30,341 ...he did spend a freakish amount of time on my boobies. 240 00:17:32,018 --> 00:17:36,848 I mean, foreplay is one thing, but, golly, it was like making love to a cat. 241 00:17:38,401 --> 00:17:40,810 Rose, for God's sake, you're talking to my mother. 242 00:17:41,156 --> 00:17:44,324 Sorry. A very giving cat. 243 00:17:45,996 --> 00:17:47,704 He's always had an oral fixation. 244 00:17:47,873 --> 00:17:51,706 When he was little, he used to suck on other children's thumbs. 245 00:17:51,879 --> 00:17:54,501 And now he's always got a bottle of booze in his mouth. 246 00:17:54,716 --> 00:17:57,553 My therapist says that's his way of stuffing his feelings. 247 00:17:57,720 --> 00:18:01,969 - That's what my therapist says. - Hell, I could've told you that for free. 248 00:18:04,146 --> 00:18:06,554 - Hey, I'm here. - Hey, it's Jake. 249 00:18:06,900 --> 00:18:10,982 Back from his sleepover. Look who's here to see you, buddy. 250 00:18:11,156 --> 00:18:13,148 Hi, Grandma. 251 00:18:13,702 --> 00:18:19,124 Hello, sweetheart. Thank you for the lovely birthday card. 252 00:18:19,292 --> 00:18:23,291 - My mom picked it out. - Oh, and you love her, don't you? 253 00:18:23,465 --> 00:18:27,511 - Sure. - Thank you. You can go now. 254 00:18:28,264 --> 00:18:31,219 - Can I go too? - We're not done with you. 255 00:18:31,852 --> 00:18:34,142 - Where were we? - We were trying to figure out... 256 00:18:34,313 --> 00:18:36,805 ...why Charlie hates you. - Yeah. 257 00:18:36,983 --> 00:18:39,227 Well, Charlie? 258 00:18:39,905 --> 00:18:42,111 Okay, fine, here it is. 259 00:18:42,283 --> 00:18:44,691 I'm not saying I hate you, but if I did... 260 00:18:44,870 --> 00:18:48,620 ...it might have to do with the fact that you're a narcissistic bloodsucker... 261 00:18:48,792 --> 00:18:51,414 ...who drove my father into an early grave. 262 00:18:51,587 --> 00:18:55,254 Then married a succession of men who couldn't care less about Alan and me... 263 00:18:55,426 --> 00:18:56,802 ...which was fine with you... 264 00:18:56,970 --> 00:18:59,379 ...because you looked at us like dancing monkeys... 265 00:18:59,557 --> 00:19:02,179 ...you could just haul out whenever it suited you. 266 00:19:02,353 --> 00:19:05,521 And when it didn't, you sent us off to boarding school or camp... 267 00:19:05,690 --> 00:19:08,183 ...or that kibbutz in Israel, where we got beat up... 268 00:19:08,362 --> 00:19:10,439 ...because we weren't even Jewish! 269 00:19:12,950 --> 00:19:16,321 And now, now you show up here every chance you get... 270 00:19:16,498 --> 00:19:17,992 ...to lay a guilt trip on me... 271 00:19:18,167 --> 00:19:22,878 ...for not appreciating my cold, Ionely, loveless childhood. 272 00:19:26,303 --> 00:19:27,965 Well... 273 00:19:29,891 --> 00:19:32,181 ...obviously you're not ready to talk about it. 274 00:19:38,862 --> 00:19:42,778 - Alan, you really don't have to do this. - Hey, hey, I am a licensed chiropractor. 275 00:19:42,952 --> 00:19:46,821 If Jake had a sore throat, I'm sure you'd treat him, prescribe something. 276 00:19:46,999 --> 00:19:49,123 But it's nothing, I think I just slept wrong. 277 00:19:49,294 --> 00:19:52,130 Oh, that's probably because you're not used to our bed. 278 00:19:55,678 --> 00:19:58,301 So have you...? Have you met Judith's parents? 279 00:19:58,474 --> 00:20:01,310 - No. - Oh, they are just gonna love you. 280 00:20:01,478 --> 00:20:03,186 They were devastated by the divorce. 281 00:20:03,354 --> 00:20:06,524 Not to mention some of her unfortunate choices thereafter. 282 00:20:07,653 --> 00:20:10,940 - Unfortunate choices? - Oh, you know, that's not important. 283 00:20:11,116 --> 00:20:15,115 What's important is they're just gonna be relieved to see she's dating a man. 284 00:20:17,959 --> 00:20:20,962 You carry a lot of tension up here. 285 00:20:22,758 --> 00:20:24,585 Alan. 286 00:20:32,646 --> 00:20:35,898 - Didn't you just pay your alimony? - This is the pediatrician's bill. 287 00:20:36,276 --> 00:20:38,150 - Jake was sick? - No, no. 288 00:20:38,321 --> 00:20:41,572 The pediatrician had to see an orthopedist. 289 00:20:43,369 --> 00:20:45,659 You know Mom's birthday was a couple weeks ago? 290 00:20:45,998 --> 00:20:48,039 Yeah, I sent her some flowers and a card. 291 00:20:48,252 --> 00:20:51,254 Oh, man. Would it have killed you to put my name on the card? 292 00:20:51,422 --> 00:20:55,754 I did put your name on it. I wrote, "Love, your sons, Alan and Charlie." 293 00:20:56,138 --> 00:20:57,681 - Damn. - What? 294 00:20:57,848 --> 00:21:00,934 She tricked me into thinking I forgot.