1
00:00:01,607 --> 00:00:06,103
<i>The snap, the kick is up,
and it is good! It is good!</i>

2
00:00:06,277 --> 00:00:10,489
- Man.
- Okay, well, that's the game.

3
00:00:10,657 --> 00:00:13,113
Dad, can I have my allowance?

4
00:00:13,284 --> 00:00:14,827
Sure. Here.

5
00:00:14,994 --> 00:00:17,319
Thanks. Here.

6
00:00:18,039 --> 00:00:19,663
Pleasure doing business with you.

7
00:00:19,873 --> 00:00:22,364
You're taking my son's allowance
on a football bet?

8
00:00:22,585 --> 00:00:26,284
Hey, when he wins, I pay off.
You know, minus the vig.

9
00:00:26,504 --> 00:00:29,956
Minus the vig. You're charging him for
the privilege of making a bet?

10
00:00:30,175 --> 00:00:33,129
That's what the vig is, Dad.

11
00:00:34,011 --> 00:00:36,418
Face it. He's not gonna learn
this stuff in school.

12
00:00:36,638 --> 00:00:38,798
I don't care.
Give him his allowance back.

13
00:00:39,016 --> 00:00:40,759
Fine.

14
00:00:41,352 --> 00:00:45,052
You get no allowance.
That's your punishment for gambling.

15
00:00:45,272 --> 00:00:49,352
- Told you he'd do that.
- Yeah, you did.

16
00:00:51,152 --> 00:00:53,643
Pleasure doing business with you.

17
00:00:55,657 --> 00:00:59,523
Hey, listen. After you drop him off at his
mom's house tonight, do me a favor?

18
00:00:59,744 --> 00:01:02,317
- Just make yourself scarce, okay?
- What's her name?

19
00:01:02,496 --> 00:01:04,572
Or is it too early to ask?

20
00:01:05,124 --> 00:01:07,282
It's not a girl.
I'm just having friends over.

21
00:01:07,501 --> 00:01:09,209
Oh, poker? Oh, can I play?

22
00:01:09,420 --> 00:01:11,625
- I'm better than I used to be.
- It's not poker.

23
00:01:11,797 --> 00:01:13,374
Wait. A flush beats a straight...

24
00:01:13,548 --> 00:01:16,299
...and a full boat beats a flush, right?
- Right...

25
00:01:16,467 --> 00:01:18,543
A full house and a full boat
are the same...

26
00:01:18,719 --> 00:01:20,842
...so I won't say
"full houseboat" anymore.

27
00:01:21,805 --> 00:01:23,929
- It's not poker, Alan.
- Then what's going on?

28
00:01:24,475 --> 00:01:27,180
I'm just having some
friends over to smoke cigars...

29
00:01:27,353 --> 00:01:30,767
...sample some fine single-malt Scotch
and, you know, talk.

30
00:01:30,980 --> 00:01:34,230
I enjoy all those things.
Well, Scotch makes me a little gassy.

31
00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:36,689
But I'll take a Beano
and I'm good to go.

32
00:01:37,695 --> 00:01:40,233
That's nice, but I don't think
you'd be comfortable.

33
00:01:40,447 --> 00:01:43,448
- Why not?
- Because we talk about personal things.

34
00:01:43,659 --> 00:01:47,324
- You mean like a support group?
- No, no, no. It's not a support group.

35
00:01:47,537 --> 00:01:50,289
It's just guys who get together
to talk about their lives.

36
00:01:50,499 --> 00:01:53,036
- That's a support group.
- No, it's not.

37
00:01:53,251 --> 00:01:54,661
Okay, it's not.

38
00:01:54,877 --> 00:01:56,621
It's not.

39
00:01:57,464 --> 00:01:59,705
Got it. So why can't I come?

40
00:01:59,924 --> 00:02:01,881
Because these men are my friends.

41
00:02:02,051 --> 00:02:04,376
There's a level of trust
and confidentiality.

42
00:02:04,552 --> 00:02:07,174
- I'm your friend.
- No, you're my brother.

43
00:02:07,389 --> 00:02:09,631
Wait a minute.
You don't consider me a friend?

44
00:02:09,809 --> 00:02:11,600
It's not up to me.

45
00:02:13,061 --> 00:02:16,595
A friend is someone you choose.
A brother is someone you get.

46
00:02:17,106 --> 00:02:19,349
- Excuse me?
- There's no choice involved.

47
00:02:19,567 --> 00:02:22,022
Your dad just wakes you up
in the night and says:

48
00:02:22,194 --> 00:02:25,231
"Your mom wasn't really fat
and this isn't your room anymore."

49
00:02:25,448 --> 00:02:28,946
So all these years,
I've just been an intruder to you?

50
00:02:29,116 --> 00:02:30,909
An inconvenience? A burden?

51
00:02:31,118 --> 00:02:33,242
Well, sure. You can spin it that way.

52
00:02:34,122 --> 00:02:36,280
You know, I had no idea
you felt this way.

53
00:02:38,042 --> 00:02:39,418
I am very, very hurt.

54
00:02:41,671 --> 00:02:43,710
Okay.

55
00:02:44,631 --> 00:02:48,214
But you'll still
make yourself scarce, right?

56
00:02:56,059 --> 00:02:57,968
- Bye, Uncle Charlie.
- See you, buddy.

57
00:02:58,144 --> 00:03:00,469
- Oh, he's your buddy?
- Alan, don't start.

58
00:03:00,688 --> 00:03:02,894
How is he your buddy?
You didn't choose him.

59
00:03:03,315 --> 00:03:06,482
- I chose to let him stay here.
- You chose to let me stay here too.

60
00:03:06,902 --> 00:03:09,654
No. I chose him, I got you.

61
00:03:10,864 --> 00:03:13,651
You know, there are times
I just loathe you.

62
00:03:13,867 --> 00:03:16,986
And yet you're surprised
I don't consider you a friend.

63
00:03:18,162 --> 00:03:21,282
Okay, have your real friends
to your little "support group."

64
00:03:21,456 --> 00:03:23,164
- It is not...
- It is a support group!

65
00:03:24,127 --> 00:03:26,332
It's a support group for weak,
rudderless men.

66
00:03:26,503 --> 00:03:29,789
And I wouldn't be a part of it
if you begged me.

67
00:03:35,386 --> 00:03:36,964
Okay, bye.

68
00:03:39,264 --> 00:03:41,721
Dad, check this out.
You can pick your friends...

69
00:03:41,893 --> 00:03:45,141
...you can pick your nose,
but you can't pick your friend's nose.

70
00:03:45,312 --> 00:03:48,562
- You know who told me that?
- I can guess.

71
00:03:48,774 --> 00:03:52,439
Uncle Charlie. And you know
why it's funny? Because it's true.

72
00:03:53,361 --> 00:03:56,481
Yeah, yeah. Have a nice week, Jake.

73
00:03:56,656 --> 00:03:59,111
Bye, Dad. Hi, Mom.
Can I have my allowance?

74
00:03:59,283 --> 00:04:01,775
I missed you too, sweetie.

75
00:04:01,953 --> 00:04:05,321
- Thanks for dropping him by.
- Judith, hold on.

76
00:04:06,456 --> 00:04:08,248
Do you consider us friends?

77
00:04:09,083 --> 00:04:10,911
I consider you my ex-husband.

78
00:04:12,003 --> 00:04:14,127
I know. But putting aside
for the moment...

79
00:04:14,297 --> 00:04:17,084
...our loveless marriage and
messy divorce...

80
00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:19,749
...we always had a certain
camaraderie, am I right?

81
00:04:19,928 --> 00:04:23,130
Can we talk some other time?
I'm having people over for dinner.

82
00:04:23,305 --> 00:04:24,848
Oh, really? Anybody I know?

83
00:04:25,056 --> 00:04:28,556
- Sandra and Howard.
- Oh, no kidding. Can I say hello?

84
00:04:28,768 --> 00:04:31,341
- I'd rather you didn't.
- Why not?

85
00:04:31,521 --> 00:04:35,434
Sandra and Howard are my friends too.
In fact, I introduced them to you.

86
00:04:35,649 --> 00:04:38,520
Well, why don't you call them
and invite them to your house.

87
00:04:39,361 --> 00:04:42,731
This is my house.
Those were my friends.

88
00:04:42,906 --> 00:04:45,860
The fact is, you're having
my friends for dinner in my house.

89
00:04:46,076 --> 00:04:48,828
Yes, Alan, that is exactly
what's happening.

90
00:04:52,041 --> 00:04:54,329
Well, when I'm right, I'm right.

91
00:04:56,836 --> 00:05:00,287
I've got something I wanna talk about,
but it's gotta stay in this room.

92
00:05:00,798 --> 00:05:02,376
Everything stays in the room.

93
00:05:02,967 --> 00:05:05,671
Yeah, sure, Judas.
Does that include veiled references...

94
00:05:05,844 --> 00:05:07,551
...in one of your wise-ass songs?

95
00:05:08,638 --> 00:05:11,176
- I said sorry about that.
- Too little, too late.

96
00:05:11,891 --> 00:05:14,465
We have to go through this
every time we get together?

97
00:05:14,644 --> 00:05:16,554
- It's water under the bridge.
- Thank you.

98
00:05:16,771 --> 00:05:19,807
It wouldn't have killed you
to thank him in your Grammy speech.

99
00:05:19,982 --> 00:05:24,229
That I would've done, but, you know,
Bacharach, he just went on so long.

100
00:05:24,445 --> 00:05:25,689
Well, get on with it.

101
00:05:26,822 --> 00:05:29,858
All right. How do I say this?

102
00:05:30,451 --> 00:05:33,783
Do any of you get up in
the middle of the night to pee?

103
00:05:33,995 --> 00:05:36,237
- Sure.
- Occasionally.

104
00:05:36,873 --> 00:05:39,411
Sometimes, I don't even get up.

105
00:05:42,169 --> 00:05:44,660
This is what I can't
write songs about?

106
00:05:44,838 --> 00:05:47,080
Oh, drat.

107
00:05:48,342 --> 00:05:52,256
All right, look.
It's not about peeing, per se.

108
00:05:52,471 --> 00:05:53,846
It's about getting older.

109
00:05:54,889 --> 00:05:56,763
I'm laying in bed with my wife.

110
00:05:56,933 --> 00:05:59,553
She looks beautiful, sexy.

111
00:05:59,727 --> 00:06:03,889
All I wanna do is finish
my Corn Pops and go to sleep.

112
00:06:08,527 --> 00:06:10,733
What are you doing?

113
00:06:10,904 --> 00:06:14,653
Shopping list. You know,
just a shopping list.

114
00:06:19,328 --> 00:06:22,246
So you're saying
the old flag's at half-mast?

115
00:06:23,498 --> 00:06:25,041
No, the old flag is fine.

116
00:06:25,209 --> 00:06:28,459
And I'd rather not refer to it
as an old flag, if you don't mind.

117
00:06:28,670 --> 00:06:34,008
No, my point is, it's about
shifting priorities or something.

118
00:06:34,175 --> 00:06:36,547
Flag, drag, hag.

119
00:06:36,761 --> 00:06:40,759
I will knock your glasses through
your eyeballs. I will do it.

120
00:06:41,307 --> 00:06:42,967
Let me tell you something, fellas.

121
00:06:43,851 --> 00:06:47,101
It doesn't matter what the calendar
says, you're as old as you feel.

122
00:06:47,896 --> 00:06:49,936
Me, I feel...

123
00:06:50,106 --> 00:06:51,517
...like...

124
00:06:51,899 --> 00:06:53,524
...boiled crap.

125
00:06:56,822 --> 00:06:58,944
- Hello.
- Oh, man.

126
00:06:59,114 --> 00:07:00,989
I'm sorry, guys. It's my brother.

127
00:07:03,827 --> 00:07:05,536
We agreed you weren't
gonna be here.

128
00:07:05,704 --> 00:07:08,658
Don't worry,
I just need my phone book.

129
00:07:08,832 --> 00:07:10,872
- Is that...?
- Yes.

130
00:07:11,084 --> 00:07:14,333
- And that...?
- Yeah.

131
00:07:14,546 --> 00:07:16,953
And that?

132
00:07:17,548 --> 00:07:19,707
He used to be. Not anymore.

133
00:07:22,219 --> 00:07:23,630
Him I don't recognize.

134
00:07:23,846 --> 00:07:25,388
He's our bookie.

135
00:07:25,597 --> 00:07:27,424
You can have
your bookie, but not me?

136
00:07:27,933 --> 00:07:30,055
Bookies, like friends, are chosen.

137
00:07:31,103 --> 00:07:34,518
Okay. Okay, fine.
I'm sorry to interrupt.

138
00:07:34,731 --> 00:07:37,352
I need my address book
so I can call one of my friends.

139
00:07:37,525 --> 00:07:40,230
They don't care.
Hurry up and get out.

140
00:07:41,278 --> 00:07:44,862
Hurry up and get out.
Sounds like sex with my ex-wife.

141
00:07:47,659 --> 00:07:51,787
I don't know if Charlie told you,
but I'm recently divorced...

142
00:07:51,996 --> 00:07:53,870
...and it's been
kind of a rough road.

143
00:07:54,708 --> 00:07:56,580
- Here's your phone book.
- Thank you.

144
00:07:56,752 --> 00:08:00,202
Of course, I guess in hindsight,
I should have seen it coming, but...

145
00:08:00,379 --> 00:08:02,371
- I'm gonna count to three.
- Bye.

146
00:08:06,426 --> 00:08:09,381
Sorry about that. He's bent
out of shape because I told him...

147
00:08:09,554 --> 00:08:11,926
...he couldn't be part of the group.
- Why not?

148
00:08:12,807 --> 00:08:16,010
You just saw him, didn't you?
Trust me, he doesn't get any better.

149
00:08:17,479 --> 00:08:19,886
I mean, he actually thinks
this is a support group.

150
00:08:20,106 --> 00:08:21,932
This is a support group, Charlie.

151
00:08:22,108 --> 00:08:25,275
You're the only one who's pretending
it's about Scotch and cigars.

152
00:08:26,528 --> 00:08:29,731
Whatever kind of group it is,
we have rules about new guys joining.

153
00:08:29,907 --> 00:08:31,235
Well, but he's your brother.

154
00:08:31,408 --> 00:08:33,401
He's obviously
going through a rough time.

155
00:08:33,576 --> 00:08:35,735
Seems like you should be
more supportive, pal.

156
00:08:35,953 --> 00:08:37,745
Hey, I support him plenty.

157
00:08:37,913 --> 00:08:40,321
I share my home with him.
I share my food with him.

158
00:08:40,499 --> 00:08:43,168
I moved my foosball table
so he could park in my garage.

159
00:08:43,336 --> 00:08:45,827
What more do you people
want from me?

160
00:08:46,463 --> 00:08:49,250
Let me tell you something
about sharing, kid.

161
00:08:50,842 --> 00:08:53,214
Sharing is a two-way street.

162
00:08:53,762 --> 00:08:55,754
When you share with
another human being...

163
00:08:55,931 --> 00:08:58,884
...you always get back
more than you gave.

164
00:08:59,684 --> 00:09:02,637
Assuming that you're smart enough
to share with somebody...

165
00:09:02,811 --> 00:09:06,180
...that's got more stuff
than you had in the beginning.

166
00:09:08,816 --> 00:09:11,438
Hey, Dick, it's Alan.
How's it going, buddy?

167
00:09:11,612 --> 00:09:13,070
Oh, good, good.

168
00:09:13,238 --> 00:09:16,155
Listen. You maybe wanna
catch a movie tonight?

169
00:09:17,783 --> 00:09:23,868
Oh, really? You and Roz are
at Judith's too. Interesting.

170
00:09:24,039 --> 00:09:29,200
So in addition to my house,
half my money, and my self-esteem...

171
00:09:29,378 --> 00:09:32,497
...Judith got custody of
all my friends.

172
00:09:33,590 --> 00:09:37,125
No, no, no, I don't wanna
take it up with her. I...

173
00:09:37,677 --> 00:09:39,503
Hi, Judith.

174
00:09:39,679 --> 00:09:44,008
No, no. I'm not trying to
ruin your party.

175
00:09:44,349 --> 00:09:47,303
In fact, I've got a little party
of my own.

176
00:09:48,687 --> 00:09:51,557
Alan, come back to bed. I'm cold.

177
00:09:52,440 --> 00:09:53,982
Be right there, baby.

178
00:09:54,150 --> 00:09:57,353
I gotta go, Judith. Bye.

179
00:09:59,947 --> 00:10:02,070
Well, that's a new personal low.

180
00:10:07,287 --> 00:10:09,992
You know, as long as
we're talking about getting older...

181
00:10:10,165 --> 00:10:12,916
...I was at this club the other night,
window-shopping.

182
00:10:14,044 --> 00:10:17,911
I realize I'm the oldest
guy in the bar.

183
00:10:18,089 --> 00:10:19,916
I mean, I still look good.

184
00:10:22,968 --> 00:10:25,922
But I'm competing for women
with guys who are way younger.

185
00:10:26,805 --> 00:10:32,558
I gotta tell you, I felt kind of depressed,
like maybe my best days are behind me.

186
00:10:33,018 --> 00:10:34,643
Oh, you're breaking my heart.

187
00:10:36,272 --> 00:10:41,480
There's maybe 11 women in this city
who haven't saluted his old flag.

188
00:10:42,736 --> 00:10:45,108
We should talk about
Charlie and his brother.

189
00:10:45,280 --> 00:10:47,237
What? Why?

190
00:10:47,408 --> 00:10:50,990
We've been meeting all these years and
I never even knew you had a brother.

191
00:10:51,953 --> 00:10:53,614
I didn't see that it was relevant.

192
00:10:53,830 --> 00:10:57,958
Let me tell you something
about relevant.

193
00:10:58,125 --> 00:11:02,751
The root of the word relevant
is "rel"...

194
00:11:05,006 --> 00:11:09,218
...which is also the root
of the word "relative."

195
00:11:10,595 --> 00:11:17,344
Your brother is your relative, ergo,
your brother is relevant.

196
00:11:24,192 --> 00:11:25,519
What?

197
00:11:27,026 --> 00:11:31,024
Another "rel" word is "relapse."

198
00:11:31,197 --> 00:11:32,609
But I'll wait my turn.

199
00:11:35,117 --> 00:11:37,656
Hi. Is this Doug Ziskin?

200
00:11:37,871 --> 00:11:39,910
Yeah, yeah.
Hey, Doug, it's Alan Harper.

201
00:11:40,080 --> 00:11:44,789
I'm your chiropractor.
But I'm calling as a friend.

202
00:11:44,960 --> 00:11:47,961
Well, I'd like to think we are.

203
00:11:52,467 --> 00:11:55,254
Forget it. Sorry I woke you.

204
00:11:57,096 --> 00:12:00,430
Hey, neighbor. What are you doing
out here all by your Ionesome?

205
00:12:00,642 --> 00:12:03,975
Charlie's got some friends over and
I thought I'd give him some space.

206
00:12:04,186 --> 00:12:05,978
Oh, yeah. His support group.

207
00:12:06,188 --> 00:12:07,980
He claims it's not a support group.

208
00:12:08,190 --> 00:12:12,567
Oh, please. He also claims
he's not in love with me.

209
00:12:14,279 --> 00:12:15,606
What do you want, Rose?

210
00:12:16,240 --> 00:12:19,109
Nothing. I was just sitting
over there in Charlie's car...

211
00:12:19,283 --> 00:12:21,988
...and thought you might
like some company.

212
00:12:23,954 --> 00:12:26,492
From the minute they
brought him from the hospital...

213
00:12:26,707 --> 00:12:28,284
...everything was about the baby.

214
00:12:28,459 --> 00:12:31,993
"Don't wake the baby. Don't tease
the baby. Don't paint the baby."

215
00:12:34,089 --> 00:12:36,247
Then when he starts growing up,
it gets worse.

216
00:12:36,424 --> 00:12:39,175
Everything he does,
I get blamed for.

217
00:12:39,385 --> 00:12:43,049
He wakes up one morning with no
hair and one eyebrow, it's my fault.

218
00:12:43,222 --> 00:12:45,379
They find him
tied to a street lamp...

219
00:12:45,557 --> 00:12:48,677
...and big surprise,
everybody's looking at me.

220
00:12:49,519 --> 00:12:52,852
Charlie, you need to stop resenting
your brother just for being born.

221
00:12:53,064 --> 00:12:55,982
Hey, I don't resent him
for being born...

222
00:12:56,151 --> 00:12:58,392
...but he abused the privilege.

223
00:12:58,569 --> 00:13:00,147
Even now, with you guys.

224
00:13:00,363 --> 00:13:02,604
I jumped through hoops
to get into this group.

225
00:13:02,824 --> 00:13:05,906
I had to be recommended,
then I had to get to know you guys.

226
00:13:06,077 --> 00:13:09,410
Now Alan thinks he can waltz right
in because he's my little brother?

227
00:13:09,579 --> 00:13:11,204
It's not fair.

228
00:13:11,831 --> 00:13:14,239
Let me tell you something about fair.

229
00:13:20,215 --> 00:13:22,005
What?

230
00:13:24,385 --> 00:13:28,713
Charlie, you know in your heart
the right thing to do.

231
00:13:29,973 --> 00:13:34,101
Fine. You want him so bad,
I'll get him.

232
00:13:34,936 --> 00:13:37,142
You know, Sean never speaks
about his siblings.

233
00:13:37,313 --> 00:13:39,056
All right, back off, Mary Poppins.

234
00:13:41,609 --> 00:13:44,396
You're working on my last nerve.

235
00:13:44,987 --> 00:13:49,564
Believe me, Alan, I understand how
hurtful it is to be rejected by Charlie.

236
00:13:50,116 --> 00:13:54,030
And I found that the only way to get
through it is to just love him more.

237
00:13:55,288 --> 00:14:00,080
That, and every so often, sneak into
his bedroom and try on his underwear.

238
00:14:02,920 --> 00:14:04,580
Helpful tip.

239
00:14:06,257 --> 00:14:07,667
Hello.

240
00:14:07,841 --> 00:14:11,590
- Oh, hello, Charlie.
- Yeah, listen. I've been thinking.

241
00:14:11,761 --> 00:14:15,260
Why don't you take a Beano and come
back to the house and join the group.

242
00:14:15,723 --> 00:14:18,012
Oh, really?
What changed your mind?

243
00:14:18,810 --> 00:14:22,642
I had a small stroke. What difference
does it make? Get your ass back here.

244
00:14:22,855 --> 00:14:26,104
Well, did it occur to you that I might be
already otherwise engaged?

245
00:14:26,317 --> 00:14:29,103
- No.
- Well, I am.

246
00:14:29,278 --> 00:14:31,768
It would be inconvenient
for me to return right now.

247
00:14:31,988 --> 00:14:33,566
Why? Where are you?

248
00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:36,612
Where am I?
Well, that's none of your business.

249
00:14:40,204 --> 00:14:41,532
Are you in the garage?

250
00:14:42,540 --> 00:14:45,375
Oh, please. What on earth
would I be doing in the garage?

251
00:14:47,586 --> 00:14:48,961
Cut it out, Rose.

252
00:14:49,171 --> 00:14:52,504
You're being silly, Alan.
Charlie is reaching out to you.

253
00:14:52,716 --> 00:14:54,589
Yeah, right.
Last time he reached out...

254
00:14:54,759 --> 00:14:58,008
...I wound up tied to a street lamp
on Wilshire Boulevard.

255
00:15:00,431 --> 00:15:02,590
All right. Are you gonna
come back inside...

256
00:15:02,767 --> 00:15:05,802
...or do I have to drag you in
by your big, flappy monkey ears?

257
00:15:06,311 --> 00:15:08,981
Listen to him, Alan. He's begging.

258
00:15:10,398 --> 00:15:15,309
No, thank you, Charlie. I am quite happy
chatting out here with Rose.

259
00:15:15,487 --> 00:15:20,647
Okay. I tried to be the loving brother,
you sulky little weasel.

260
00:15:23,077 --> 00:15:24,820
That really wasn't necessary, Alan.

261
00:15:25,037 --> 00:15:26,531
Yes, it was. You're my friend.

262
00:15:26,706 --> 00:15:31,663
And friends don't just abandon friends
because something better comes along.

263
00:15:34,337 --> 00:15:35,796
Then this might sting a bit.

264
00:15:38,090 --> 00:15:43,048
I have something else to do
and I'm pretty sure it's better.

265
00:15:47,558 --> 00:15:51,970
All right, I asked him nicely.
He said no. Let's move on.

266
00:15:52,145 --> 00:15:55,514
Coop, what's up with your fixation on
women who resemble Tobey Maguire?

267
00:15:56,900 --> 00:16:01,561
<i>I think I finally got over that one.
I went to see Spider-Man 2. Nothing.</i>

268
00:16:02,738 --> 00:16:06,072
Hi, everybody.
Thanks for the invite.

269
00:16:06,282 --> 00:16:07,990
I know I'm the new guy.

270
00:16:08,160 --> 00:16:11,160
So I'll hang back and
try not to disrupt the flow.

271
00:16:12,247 --> 00:16:15,118
So is there any protocols
I need to know about?

272
00:16:15,292 --> 00:16:19,372
Any customs, traditions,
a talking stick?

273
00:16:22,799 --> 00:16:24,754
No, there's no talking stick.

274
00:16:24,926 --> 00:16:27,417
But there is a "shut the hell up" shoe.

275
00:16:27,594 --> 00:16:30,381
Okey-doke. As you were.

276
00:16:31,515 --> 00:16:34,053
All right, I've got something
I wanna share.

277
00:16:34,809 --> 00:16:37,929
The panic attacks have come back,
and I just don't understand it.

278
00:16:38,104 --> 00:16:41,188
Everything is great.
My career, my marriage.

279
00:16:41,399 --> 00:16:43,770
I should be on cloud nine
and instead of which...

280
00:16:43,943 --> 00:16:49,316
...I've got this free-floating anxiety
and feeling of impending doom.

281
00:16:49,781 --> 00:16:52,023
And the diarrhea.

282
00:16:55,662 --> 00:17:00,122
Oh, I'm sorry. It's just that
my panic attacks come with diarrhea.

283
00:17:00,290 --> 00:17:05,665
First the clammy hands, and then the
nausea, and then the aforementioned...

284
00:17:06,714 --> 00:17:09,879
...you know. Sorry.

285
00:17:13,928 --> 00:17:15,755
I changed my mind. I want him gone.

286
00:17:18,349 --> 00:17:21,469
Can we shave his head and
fill his mouth with hair first?

287
00:17:22,144 --> 00:17:25,098
Let me tell you something about hair.

288
00:17:27,023 --> 00:17:29,396
The clammy hands,
that's how it starts.

289
00:17:29,568 --> 00:17:32,140
Wait a minute.
You can't just kick him out like that.

290
00:17:32,362 --> 00:17:34,520
You didn't want him here
in the first place.

291
00:17:35,073 --> 00:17:37,647
But I'm his brother.
It's my right to reject him.

292
00:17:37,825 --> 00:17:40,861
You guys wanted him. Now that
he's here, cut him a little slack.

293
00:17:41,077 --> 00:17:43,117
Can't you see?
He doesn't fit in here.

294
00:17:43,331 --> 00:17:46,367
Of course not.
He doesn't fit in anywhere.

295
00:17:46,541 --> 00:17:49,543
He's a weird little guy who
makes phone calls from the garage.

296
00:17:52,172 --> 00:17:54,165
It's not his fault.

297
00:17:54,340 --> 00:17:58,005
His big brother didn't look after him,
didn't teach him anything.

298
00:17:58,178 --> 00:18:00,253
I'm trying to make up for it
with his son...

299
00:18:00,429 --> 00:18:02,506
...but this
annoying little ship has sailed.

300
00:18:04,850 --> 00:18:06,806
Thank you, Charlie.
You can stop now.

301
00:18:07,269 --> 00:18:10,603
No, I got your back.
I want this twerp in the group.

302
00:18:11,356 --> 00:18:13,349
A problem with that
is a problem with me.

303
00:18:13,567 --> 00:18:15,143
Oh, now you've got my back?

304
00:18:16,236 --> 00:18:18,062
- What?
- A little late, don't you think?

305
00:18:18,279 --> 00:18:19,442
Alan, I'm defending you.

306
00:18:19,614 --> 00:18:22,235
And I'm asking where you've been
for the past 35 years.

307
00:18:22,742 --> 00:18:24,982
Let me tell you
what it was like growing up.

308
00:18:25,160 --> 00:18:26,571
Un-freaking-believable.

309
00:18:26,745 --> 00:18:29,580
What it was like to look up to...
No, to worship someone...

310
00:18:29,748 --> 00:18:33,413
...who on two occasions tried to
trade you for an underwater flashlight.

311
00:18:36,003 --> 00:18:37,462
It wasn't for keeps.

312
00:18:37,630 --> 00:18:39,753
No, no, no.
It's my turn now, Charlie.

313
00:18:39,924 --> 00:18:42,877
All I ever wanted was his approval,
his friendship.

314
00:18:43,052 --> 00:18:46,669
And all I ever got was my underwear
yanked up to the base of my skull.

315
00:18:48,890 --> 00:18:53,053
And the sad part is that
I looked forward to the wedgies...

316
00:18:53,227 --> 00:18:56,561
...because it was the only form of love
that I could get from him.

317
00:19:00,902 --> 00:19:02,693
- That is sad, Charlie.
- It's terrible.

318
00:19:03,488 --> 00:19:07,319
Charlie, don't you think there's something
you have to say to your brother?

319
00:19:08,575 --> 00:19:10,069
Yeah.

320
00:19:13,538 --> 00:19:14,617
Come here, buddy.

321
00:19:18,835 --> 00:19:20,827
Okay, buddy.

322
00:19:30,303 --> 00:19:34,171
<i>Here's the gag</i>

323
00:19:34,349 --> 00:19:38,725
<i>In the words of some wag</i>

324
00:19:40,813 --> 00:19:45,854
<i>She loves my flag</i>

325
00:19:49,196 --> 00:19:56,491
<i>Rally round the flag</i>

326
00:20:00,165 --> 00:20:03,949
Wow, Elvis, that was beautiful.

327
00:20:04,918 --> 00:20:08,039
But, you know, in all honesty...

328
00:20:08,213 --> 00:20:11,416
...I really loved your earlier,
you know, angrier stuff.

329
00:20:11,591 --> 00:20:14,213
You know, "Pump It Up."
Now, that was a song.

330
00:20:17,138 --> 00:20:19,047
I gave you that.

331
00:20:20,266 --> 00:20:22,342
Oh, and while we're
on the subject, Sean...

332
00:20:22,518 --> 00:20:24,843
...why don't you
do funny stuff like you used to?

333
00:20:25,021 --> 00:20:26,977
<i>I mean, Fast Times ruled, man.</i>

334
00:20:27,147 --> 00:20:29,768
Come on, do a little Spicoli for us.

335
00:20:32,027 --> 00:20:35,941
Guys, this isn't funny.

336
00:20:38,241 --> 00:20:42,024
Clammy hands. Nausea.

337
00:20:42,203 --> 00:20:43,911
Guys?

338
00:20:44,788 --> 00:20:46,330
Hey, guys?

339
00:20:46,915 --> 00:20:48,789
Guys?