1 00:00:01,802 --> 00:00:03,737 ( phone ringing ) 2 00:00:06,674 --> 00:00:08,409 Hello. 3 00:00:08,476 --> 00:00:10,611 What? 4 00:00:10,678 --> 00:00:12,113 I can't understand you. 5 00:00:12,180 --> 00:00:13,747 Who is it? 6 00:00:13,814 --> 00:00:14,915 I don't know. 7 00:00:14,982 --> 00:00:16,584 Some woman crying. 8 00:00:16,650 --> 00:00:18,819 Hold on. Charlie! 9 00:00:18,886 --> 00:00:20,354 What? 10 00:00:20,421 --> 00:00:22,356 Phone for you. 11 00:00:22,423 --> 00:00:23,724 Who is it? 12 00:00:23,791 --> 00:00:24,758 An hysterical woman. 13 00:00:26,794 --> 00:00:28,129 Are you insane? 14 00:00:28,196 --> 00:00:30,164 I don't take calls from hysterical women. 15 00:00:30,231 --> 00:00:31,565 Here he is. 16 00:00:33,834 --> 00:00:36,337 You are very insensitive. 17 00:00:38,406 --> 00:00:39,073 Hello? 18 00:00:39,140 --> 00:00:40,841 Oh, hey, how are you? 19 00:00:40,908 --> 00:00:43,511 She's crying. Duh. 20 00:00:43,577 --> 00:00:45,713 Okay, calm down. 21 00:00:45,779 --> 00:00:48,916 I can't understand you. 22 00:00:48,982 --> 00:00:50,050 Omelette? 23 00:00:50,118 --> 00:00:52,853 What is omelette? 24 00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:55,256 Oh, "I'm late." 25 00:00:56,924 --> 00:00:59,059 What are you late for, hon? 26 00:01:00,994 --> 00:01:02,062 Get him out of here. 27 00:01:02,130 --> 00:01:03,664 Jake, go watch TV. 28 00:01:03,731 --> 00:01:05,065 What's the big deal? 29 00:01:05,133 --> 00:01:07,101 I don't cry when I'm late. 30 00:01:10,204 --> 00:01:12,440 Okay, are you sure? 31 00:01:12,506 --> 00:01:14,142 Don't yell. 32 00:01:14,208 --> 00:01:15,075 How did this hap...? 33 00:01:15,143 --> 00:01:16,310 Scratch that. 34 00:01:16,377 --> 00:01:18,179 Okay, okay, just stay calm. 35 00:01:18,246 --> 00:01:20,214 I'm here for you. 36 00:01:20,281 --> 00:01:22,483 We'll deal with this together. 37 00:01:23,851 --> 00:01:27,087 You didn't happen to catch her name, did you? 38 00:01:27,155 --> 00:01:29,890 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 39 00:01:29,957 --> 00:01:33,294 * Men... * 40 00:01:39,133 --> 00:01:40,601 The instructions sound pretty clear. 41 00:01:40,668 --> 00:01:42,836 You pee on the stick... 42 00:01:42,903 --> 00:01:48,342 and if it turns blue, it means you're pregnant. 43 00:01:48,409 --> 00:01:50,578 The stick turns blue. 44 00:01:51,779 --> 00:01:56,484 Yes, sweetheart, first go into the bathroom. 45 00:01:58,286 --> 00:02:00,521 Not exactly a rocket scientist. 46 00:02:00,588 --> 00:02:02,823 As opposed to the Nobel Prize winners 47 00:02:02,890 --> 00:02:04,124 you usually bring home? 48 00:02:04,192 --> 00:02:08,095 Uh-huh, I'm still here. 49 00:02:08,162 --> 00:02:10,298 Go ahead. Let 'er rip. 50 00:02:11,499 --> 00:02:14,435 What do you mean, you can't? 51 00:02:14,502 --> 00:02:16,437 Hold on. 52 00:02:23,611 --> 00:02:26,113 How's that? 53 00:02:26,180 --> 00:02:27,748 Yeah, I'm a genius. 54 00:02:29,116 --> 00:02:31,552 Now we wait 30 seconds. 55 00:02:31,619 --> 00:02:33,487 Please, God, please, please, please. 56 00:02:33,554 --> 00:02:36,224 Isn't it a little late for prayer, Charlie? 57 00:02:36,290 --> 00:02:39,927 Don't mock my faith. 58 00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:41,262 Yeah, I'm here. 59 00:02:41,329 --> 00:02:43,364 Did it change colors? 60 00:02:43,431 --> 00:02:46,267 No? Well, t-that, that's good, right? 61 00:02:47,134 --> 00:02:48,969 Well, sure, in a strange way 62 00:02:49,036 --> 00:02:51,339 I'm a little disappointed, too. 63 00:02:52,640 --> 00:02:54,708 Hold on a sec. 64 00:03:02,883 --> 00:03:04,918 So, what else is new? 65 00:03:06,387 --> 00:03:08,256 Congratulations. When's the wedding? 66 00:03:11,692 --> 00:03:13,261 Isn't that nice? 67 00:03:13,327 --> 00:03:14,628 Best of luck. 68 00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:15,929 Bye-bye. 69 00:03:17,465 --> 00:03:19,667 Boy, don't you just hate when that happens? 70 00:03:19,733 --> 00:03:21,569 So, so, this 71 00:03:21,635 --> 00:03:23,036 is a common occurrence? 72 00:03:23,103 --> 00:03:24,305 Don't you take precautions? 73 00:03:24,372 --> 00:03:26,440 Well, of course. 74 00:03:26,507 --> 00:03:28,309 But come on-- you've never found yourself 75 00:03:28,376 --> 00:03:30,544 in a slow elevator without a condom? 76 00:03:31,479 --> 00:03:33,747 Look who I'm asking. 77 00:03:38,118 --> 00:03:39,353 We need soap, 78 00:03:39,420 --> 00:03:42,456 uh, razor blades, cotton balls... 79 00:03:42,523 --> 00:03:44,292 Cotton balls-- that reminds me. 80 00:03:44,358 --> 00:03:46,026 Reminds you of what? 81 00:03:46,093 --> 00:03:49,297 Ribbed for her pleasure. 82 00:03:49,363 --> 00:03:50,898 Ultra thin for mine. 83 00:03:52,300 --> 00:03:55,736 Fiesta colors for... I suppose fiestas. 84 00:03:56,737 --> 00:03:59,807 And extra-strength, double latex 85 00:03:59,873 --> 00:04:01,509 for Coyote Tuesdays. 86 00:04:03,311 --> 00:04:05,979 Boy, if women knew the trouble we go to. 87 00:04:06,046 --> 00:04:07,681 Why don't you just get snipped? 88 00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:10,418 You mean a vasectomy? Yeah. 89 00:04:10,484 --> 00:04:11,452 Well, then say vasectomy. 90 00:04:11,519 --> 00:04:12,520 Don't say "snipped." 91 00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:13,887 What's wrong with snipped? 92 00:04:13,954 --> 00:04:15,122 It's demeaning. 93 00:04:15,188 --> 00:04:18,426 Snipped is what you get for 12 bucks at Supercuts. 94 00:04:18,492 --> 00:04:21,061 Fine. Why don't you get a vasectomy? 95 00:04:21,128 --> 00:04:22,296 I've considered it. 96 00:04:22,363 --> 00:04:24,298 In fact, a couple of years ago, 97 00:04:24,365 --> 00:04:27,067 I believe there was a petition circulating. 98 00:04:27,134 --> 00:04:28,636 So, what's holding you back? 99 00:04:28,702 --> 00:04:30,771 I don't know, it's kind of a permanent move. 100 00:04:30,838 --> 00:04:33,474 What happens if one day I finally meet the right woman 101 00:04:33,541 --> 00:04:35,443 and decide I want to raise a family? 102 00:04:35,509 --> 00:04:38,879 ( baby crying ) 103 00:04:38,946 --> 00:04:40,414 Don't cry. Look. 104 00:04:40,481 --> 00:04:42,483 Ooh, ooh, ooh! 105 00:04:42,550 --> 00:04:44,585 Look at Daddy's funny face. 106 00:04:48,422 --> 00:04:50,658 Ah, who am I kidding? 107 00:04:53,226 --> 00:04:54,462 Sweetheart, I have to go. 108 00:04:54,528 --> 00:04:56,029 I have a patient. 109 00:04:56,096 --> 00:04:58,065 No, you just stay off your feet. 110 00:04:58,131 --> 00:05:00,801 Remember, you're very, very pregnant. 111 00:05:00,868 --> 00:05:02,636 I love you, too. 112 00:05:02,703 --> 00:05:03,737 I know. 113 00:05:03,804 --> 00:05:07,074 I know, we're going to have a baby. 114 00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:08,442 Yes, we are. 115 00:05:08,509 --> 00:05:09,943 ( chuckling ): Okay, sweetie, bye-bye. 116 00:05:10,010 --> 00:05:13,347 So, Mr. Harper, you want a vasectomy. 117 00:05:13,414 --> 00:05:14,214 Um... yes. 118 00:05:14,281 --> 00:05:15,549 You do that, right? 119 00:05:15,616 --> 00:05:17,418 Of course we do, in the exam room next door. 120 00:05:17,485 --> 00:05:18,752 Snip, snip. 121 00:05:20,287 --> 00:05:23,190 Great. Uh, I just have a couple of... pre-snip questions. 122 00:05:23,256 --> 00:05:26,394 Shoot. Which, by the way, you'll still do post-snip, 123 00:05:26,460 --> 00:05:28,228 if that was one of your questions. 124 00:05:28,295 --> 00:05:30,464 Well, good. 125 00:05:30,531 --> 00:05:32,132 Of course, if I've done my job right, 126 00:05:32,199 --> 00:05:33,434 you'll be shooting blanks. Yeah. 127 00:05:33,501 --> 00:05:34,935 Yeah, I got that. 128 00:05:35,002 --> 00:05:36,504 What I was wondering 129 00:05:36,570 --> 00:05:39,373 is if there's any permanent effects. 130 00:05:39,440 --> 00:05:41,442 You mean like sexual impairment? 131 00:05:41,509 --> 00:05:45,012 No, no, no... wait a minute. 132 00:05:45,078 --> 00:05:46,447 There can be sexual impairment? 133 00:05:46,514 --> 00:05:49,550 No. I just wanted to see the look on your face. 134 00:05:51,084 --> 00:05:52,553 Actually, you'll be able to perform 135 00:05:52,620 --> 00:05:53,421 exactly as you did before. 136 00:05:53,487 --> 00:05:54,855 Well, great. 137 00:05:54,922 --> 00:05:57,858 But what about, like, uh, creativity? 138 00:05:57,925 --> 00:05:59,560 See, I write music for a living. 139 00:05:59,627 --> 00:06:01,495 Will I still be able to do that? 140 00:06:01,562 --> 00:06:04,932 Do you write with your testicles? 141 00:06:09,236 --> 00:06:10,471 No. 142 00:06:10,538 --> 00:06:12,172 Then it shouldn't be a problem. 143 00:06:12,239 --> 00:06:13,674 Now, let me ask you a question. 144 00:06:13,741 --> 00:06:15,175 Do you have children already? 145 00:06:15,242 --> 00:06:16,510 No. Okay, then you might 146 00:06:16,577 --> 00:06:18,546 want to think about freezing some sperm 147 00:06:18,612 --> 00:06:20,180 in case you ever change your mind. 148 00:06:20,247 --> 00:06:21,815 Frozen sperm-- I don't know. 149 00:06:21,882 --> 00:06:22,450 Why not? 150 00:06:22,516 --> 00:06:23,984 Well, you know, 151 00:06:24,051 --> 00:06:27,387 you freeze shrimp, it's never as good as fresh. 152 00:06:27,455 --> 00:06:29,790 That's really not the same thing. 153 00:06:29,857 --> 00:06:32,359 So, you know for a fact that frozen kids 154 00:06:32,426 --> 00:06:34,394 are just the same as the regulars? 155 00:06:34,462 --> 00:06:35,629 Yeah, pretty much. 156 00:06:35,696 --> 00:06:37,598 Of course, when they grow up, 157 00:06:37,665 --> 00:06:40,434 they do tend to migrate to the Sunbelt. 158 00:06:41,902 --> 00:06:42,870 Nothing. Wow. 159 00:06:42,936 --> 00:06:45,072 That one kills at urology conventions. 160 00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:48,408 ( phone ringing ) Excuse me. 161 00:06:48,476 --> 00:06:50,611 Yes? Oh, put her on. 162 00:06:50,678 --> 00:06:52,012 ( sotto voce ): It's my wife. 163 00:06:52,079 --> 00:06:53,046 Hi, honey. 164 00:06:53,113 --> 00:06:54,281 Oh, no kidding. 165 00:06:54,347 --> 00:06:56,283 She's really kicking up a storm, huh? 166 00:06:56,349 --> 00:06:57,685 We know it's a girl. 167 00:06:57,751 --> 00:06:59,587 Good. Oh, hang on. 168 00:06:59,653 --> 00:07:02,222 Um, do you like Brittany or Allison for a name? 169 00:07:02,289 --> 00:07:04,124 They're both nice. 170 00:07:04,191 --> 00:07:05,493 Yeah. 171 00:07:05,559 --> 00:07:07,728 Okay, honey, let me get this guy out of here 172 00:07:07,795 --> 00:07:09,530 and I'll call you back. 173 00:07:09,597 --> 00:07:10,430 Okay, Mommy. 174 00:07:10,498 --> 00:07:11,699 ( chuckling ) 175 00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:13,567 Yeah, you're going to be a mommy. 176 00:07:13,634 --> 00:07:15,035 Yes, you are. 177 00:07:16,670 --> 00:07:19,172 So, frozen sperm. 178 00:07:19,239 --> 00:07:20,340 I'm just not really sure 179 00:07:20,407 --> 00:07:21,775 I want to go into some little room 180 00:07:21,842 --> 00:07:24,011 with a bunch of magazines and, you know... 181 00:07:24,077 --> 00:07:25,212 Actually, 182 00:07:25,278 --> 00:07:26,279 we have videos now. 183 00:07:26,346 --> 00:07:27,615 Kind of hot. 184 00:07:28,882 --> 00:07:30,350 But you don't have to do it here. 185 00:07:30,417 --> 00:07:32,219 We'll give you a container, and you can go home 186 00:07:32,285 --> 00:07:34,021 and make yourself comfortable, dim the lights, 187 00:07:34,087 --> 00:07:35,623 put on a little sweet soul music... 188 00:07:35,689 --> 00:07:37,658 I know the procedure. 189 00:07:37,725 --> 00:07:39,026 Then just bring it back here 190 00:07:39,092 --> 00:07:41,294 while the little fellas are still swimming, 191 00:07:41,361 --> 00:07:42,996 and we'll turn 'em into popsicles. 192 00:07:43,063 --> 00:07:44,865 "Popsicles"? 193 00:07:44,932 --> 00:07:47,167 You know, in case someday you want to be a pop. 194 00:07:48,368 --> 00:07:49,637 Oh, yeah. 195 00:07:49,703 --> 00:07:51,705 ( chuckles weakly ): Very clever. 196 00:07:51,772 --> 00:07:54,742 Well, you deal with prostates and penises all day, 197 00:07:54,808 --> 00:07:56,977 you better have a sense of humor. 198 00:07:57,044 --> 00:07:58,646 And warm hands. 199 00:07:58,712 --> 00:08:00,280 Oh, that's good. I'll use that. 200 00:08:00,347 --> 00:08:01,481 "Warm hands." 201 00:08:01,549 --> 00:08:03,717 That's good. 202 00:08:06,186 --> 00:08:08,055 I'm done. Can I go play in my room? 203 00:08:09,256 --> 00:08:11,659 Jake, Grandma came all the way over here 204 00:08:11,725 --> 00:08:13,126 to spend some time with you. 205 00:08:13,193 --> 00:08:17,130 Alan, don't use guilt as a control mechanism. 206 00:08:17,197 --> 00:08:18,498 He should only spend time 207 00:08:18,566 --> 00:08:21,034 with me if he wants to. 208 00:08:25,405 --> 00:08:28,809 So, I can go, right? 209 00:08:30,177 --> 00:08:31,812 Run. 210 00:08:34,414 --> 00:08:35,515 Morning. 211 00:08:35,583 --> 00:08:36,449 Good morning, darling. 212 00:08:36,516 --> 00:08:37,918 Morning, Charlie. 213 00:08:37,985 --> 00:08:40,153 Oh, Charlie, what's wrong with your pee-pee? 214 00:08:43,356 --> 00:08:44,291 What?! 215 00:08:44,357 --> 00:08:45,659 A little birdie told me 216 00:08:45,726 --> 00:08:48,095 you were in a urologist's office yesterday. 217 00:08:48,161 --> 00:08:49,496 Thanks a lot, Tweety. 218 00:08:49,563 --> 00:08:51,531 I didn't say anything. 219 00:08:51,599 --> 00:08:52,465 Coincidentally, 220 00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:53,801 your doctor has a suite 221 00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:55,636 in the same medical building as Dr. Shankman, 222 00:08:55,703 --> 00:08:57,104 the man responsible 223 00:08:57,170 --> 00:08:59,640 for one out of three tight tushies in Beverly Hills. 224 00:08:59,707 --> 00:09:02,142 So, Dr. Shankman saw me and told you? 225 00:09:02,209 --> 00:09:05,512 No, you left your appointment card on the table here. 226 00:09:05,579 --> 00:09:07,180 I just brought up Dr. Shankman 227 00:09:07,247 --> 00:09:09,883 because no one has noticed my new tushy. 228 00:09:12,252 --> 00:09:13,754 Very nice, Mom. 229 00:09:13,821 --> 00:09:16,657 Of course. It's a Shankman. 230 00:09:18,726 --> 00:09:20,861 So, Charles, back to your pee-pee. 231 00:09:22,663 --> 00:09:24,998 I'm done. Can I go play in my room? 232 00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:26,667 There's nothing's wrong with it. 233 00:09:26,734 --> 00:09:28,435 I'm just getting a vasectomy. 234 00:09:28,501 --> 00:09:31,672 You must really hate me. 235 00:09:31,739 --> 00:09:34,842 Um... are we changing the subject? 236 00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:38,445 How can you have a vasectomy without consulting me? 237 00:09:38,511 --> 00:09:42,249 You're selfishly robbing me of grandchildren. 238 00:09:42,315 --> 00:09:43,617 You've got grandchildren. 239 00:09:43,684 --> 00:09:45,686 Oh, big whoop-- one. 240 00:09:46,754 --> 00:09:48,889 Well, if it makes you feel any better, 241 00:09:48,956 --> 00:09:50,924 I'm going to do the freezing thing. 242 00:09:50,991 --> 00:09:54,361 Really? Well, I suppose that's better than nothing. 243 00:09:56,096 --> 00:09:58,398 You know, I'm doing a freezing thing, too. 244 00:09:58,465 --> 00:10:00,734 What? Excuse me? 245 00:10:00,801 --> 00:10:03,603 At death I plan to have my head removed and frozen 246 00:10:03,671 --> 00:10:05,639 until such time as it can be revived 247 00:10:05,706 --> 00:10:07,140 and put on a monkey body. 248 00:10:10,844 --> 00:10:13,681 What? Everybody's doing it. 249 00:10:16,283 --> 00:10:19,720 ( sultry music playing ) 250 00:10:22,956 --> 00:10:25,225 Charlie, you got somebody in there? 251 00:10:25,292 --> 00:10:27,828 CHARLIE: Uh, no. 252 00:10:27,895 --> 00:10:29,997 I need to get your towels. 253 00:10:30,063 --> 00:10:32,465 Uh, I really wish you wouldn't. 254 00:10:32,532 --> 00:10:34,567 Come on. I'm doing laundry. 255 00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:37,337 I want to finish a load before I go. 256 00:10:37,404 --> 00:10:40,941 Yeah, well, me, too. 257 00:10:41,008 --> 00:10:42,810 What? 258 00:10:42,876 --> 00:10:45,612 Never mind. Just go away. 259 00:10:45,679 --> 00:10:46,980 All right. 260 00:10:47,047 --> 00:10:49,917 If it helps, you can think of me. 261 00:10:55,689 --> 00:10:57,390 Oh, hey, Charlie, wait a second. 262 00:10:57,457 --> 00:10:59,092 I don't pick up Jake till after dinner. 263 00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:00,660 You want to catch an early movie? 264 00:11:00,728 --> 00:11:03,296 Maybe. But I got to make one stop first. 265 00:11:03,363 --> 00:11:04,798 Come on. 266 00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:11,471 What's in the bag? 267 00:11:11,538 --> 00:11:13,140 Sperm. 268 00:11:13,206 --> 00:11:15,175 No, really. 269 00:11:15,242 --> 00:11:16,343 Sperm. 270 00:11:19,813 --> 00:11:22,082 Whose sperm? 271 00:11:22,149 --> 00:11:24,785 Seabiscuit's. Who do you think? Mine. 272 00:11:24,852 --> 00:11:28,956 I thought we were going to a movie. 273 00:11:29,022 --> 00:11:30,991 Yeah, but first I'm having my sperm frozen 274 00:11:31,058 --> 00:11:32,392 and getting a vasectomy. 275 00:11:32,459 --> 00:11:34,795 Ah. 276 00:11:34,862 --> 00:11:38,598 I could've met you at the theater, you know. 277 00:11:38,665 --> 00:11:40,333 Just hold the bag. 278 00:11:43,871 --> 00:11:47,574 There is another container inside this bag, right? 279 00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:48,909 Of course. 280 00:11:48,976 --> 00:11:51,144 You just got to keep it out of the sunlight. 281 00:11:51,211 --> 00:11:52,913 Why? 282 00:11:52,980 --> 00:11:54,815 Is it vampire sperm? 283 00:11:54,882 --> 00:11:57,417 ( siren blaring ) 284 00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:02,422 Aw, geez, he's going to want to look in the bag. 285 00:12:02,489 --> 00:12:03,924 Oh, God, oh, God. 286 00:12:06,393 --> 00:12:08,361 What the hell did you do that for?! 287 00:12:08,428 --> 00:12:10,363 I don't know. I panicked! 288 00:12:22,509 --> 00:12:24,177 Hey, hey, Charlie?! 289 00:12:24,244 --> 00:12:25,378 What? 290 00:12:25,445 --> 00:12:27,714 Are you nuts? You can't put that in the freezer. 291 00:12:27,781 --> 00:12:30,050 It's ice cream. 292 00:12:31,651 --> 00:12:34,554 Store-bought, not hand-cranked. 293 00:12:34,621 --> 00:12:36,123 Yeah, you're hilarious. 294 00:12:37,257 --> 00:12:39,059 You're lucky I'm still talking to you 295 00:12:39,126 --> 00:12:41,795 after tossing my swimmers on the Coast Highway. 296 00:12:41,862 --> 00:12:43,230 What? 297 00:12:43,296 --> 00:12:44,364 It's nothing. 298 00:12:44,431 --> 00:12:46,299 Thanks to you, I got to reschedule the whole deal 299 00:12:46,366 --> 00:12:48,068 for this afternoon. What whole deal? 300 00:12:48,135 --> 00:12:49,369 It's not important, Jake. 301 00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:50,337 Why shouldn't he know? 302 00:12:50,403 --> 00:12:53,240 Okay, go ahead. Explain it to him. 303 00:12:54,808 --> 00:12:56,443 Well, Jake... 304 00:12:57,811 --> 00:13:00,480 Your Uncle Charlie is getting a vasectomy. 305 00:13:00,547 --> 00:13:03,216 Oh. 306 00:13:03,283 --> 00:13:07,487 What's wrong with the car you have now? 307 00:13:10,623 --> 00:13:13,160 Well done. 308 00:13:14,995 --> 00:13:16,529 All right, let me try again. 309 00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:19,066 Uh, a vasectomy 310 00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:20,533 is a very simple operation... 311 00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:22,002 Are you sick? 312 00:13:22,069 --> 00:13:24,237 No, no, no, I'm-I'm perfectly healthy. 313 00:13:24,304 --> 00:13:28,108 It's a procedure so that I don't have, uh, babies by accident. 314 00:13:28,175 --> 00:13:31,011 Oh, yeah, like we had to do with Scout. 315 00:13:31,912 --> 00:13:33,346 Scout? 316 00:13:33,413 --> 00:13:34,247 A dog we had. 317 00:13:34,314 --> 00:13:36,083 Couldn't keep it in his fur. 318 00:13:37,617 --> 00:13:39,552 Keep going. You're doing great. 319 00:13:39,619 --> 00:13:43,456 Uh, Jake, it's not exactly the same with people as with dogs. 320 00:13:43,523 --> 00:13:44,491 I know. 321 00:13:48,862 --> 00:13:50,964 Why don't you just use a condom? 322 00:14:00,407 --> 00:14:02,876 I guess he knows more than he lets on. 323 00:14:05,612 --> 00:14:07,514 You do, don't you? 324 00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:09,950 I hear things. 325 00:14:11,618 --> 00:14:13,486 Thanks for baby-sitting, Rose. 326 00:14:13,553 --> 00:14:14,654 Oh, my pleasure. 327 00:14:14,721 --> 00:14:16,156 Is Charlie going to be okay? 328 00:14:16,223 --> 00:14:17,624 Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, he's just having 329 00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:19,692 a-a little procedure done and I need to be there 330 00:14:19,759 --> 00:14:22,129 to drive him home. Oh, what kind of procedure? 331 00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:23,496 Uh, it's personal. 332 00:14:23,563 --> 00:14:24,998 Oh, I understand. 333 00:14:25,065 --> 00:14:26,133 Mm. Where is he? 334 00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:29,169 Upstairs, uh... getting ready. 335 00:14:29,236 --> 00:14:31,138 Throwing a few things in a bag. 336 00:14:31,204 --> 00:14:33,673 I'll, uh... I'll tell Jake you're here. 337 00:14:33,740 --> 00:14:36,643 Okay. 338 00:14:41,748 --> 00:14:46,353 ( sultry soul music playing ) 339 00:14:46,419 --> 00:14:47,320 Charlie? 340 00:14:47,387 --> 00:14:50,023 CHARLIE: Rose, for God's sake! 341 00:14:50,090 --> 00:14:52,525 ROSE: Do you need a hand? 342 00:14:52,592 --> 00:14:55,395 CHARLIE: No! Get out! 343 00:14:58,698 --> 00:15:00,033 Charlie? 344 00:15:00,100 --> 00:15:01,969 CHARLIE: What?! 345 00:15:02,035 --> 00:15:03,870 What's the little cup for? 346 00:15:03,937 --> 00:15:05,772 CHARLIE: Go away, Rose. 347 00:15:05,838 --> 00:15:07,340 Don't be embarrassed. 348 00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:10,343 That's a perfectly natural way to relieve stress. 349 00:15:10,410 --> 00:15:13,546 You know what I do? Jumping jacks. 350 00:15:13,613 --> 00:15:15,115 CHARLIE: Rose, please. 351 00:15:15,182 --> 00:15:18,051 The only downside is when I exercise, 352 00:15:18,118 --> 00:15:20,053 I get all hot and sweaty, 353 00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:22,355 and my clothes start clinging to my body, 354 00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:26,926 so then I have to go and take a nice, hot, soapy shower. 355 00:15:28,628 --> 00:15:32,432 CHARLIE: Then what? 356 00:15:32,499 --> 00:15:35,435 Rose? 357 00:15:35,502 --> 00:15:37,570 Oh, damn. 358 00:15:38,972 --> 00:15:41,241 Look, I'm sorry I walked in on you. 359 00:15:41,308 --> 00:15:44,711 I thought you were finished with the video and everything. 360 00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:45,778 Forget it, Alan. 361 00:15:45,845 --> 00:15:48,415 I wish I could. 362 00:15:48,481 --> 00:15:51,118 Why didn't you hang a sock on the doorknob? 363 00:15:51,184 --> 00:15:52,519 I would if I had one. 364 00:15:53,686 --> 00:15:55,555 Obviously, a power much greater than myself 365 00:15:55,622 --> 00:15:57,524 doesn't want me to freeze my sperm. 366 00:15:57,590 --> 00:15:58,525 Yeah, but if you don't, 367 00:15:58,591 --> 00:16:00,093 and you go ahead with this vasectomy, 368 00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:01,394 you'll never be able to have children. 369 00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:03,263 Well, what difference does it make? 370 00:16:03,330 --> 00:16:05,898 We both know I'm not daddy material. 371 00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:08,568 Well, no, not now... or anytime soon, 372 00:16:08,635 --> 00:16:13,773 but who knows, maybe in the distant monkey-body future. 373 00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:15,308 Look, this is my life. 374 00:16:15,375 --> 00:16:17,044 I know what's best for me. 375 00:16:17,110 --> 00:16:20,547 Okay, Mister... Harper, 376 00:16:20,613 --> 00:16:22,415 why don't you jump up on the table, 377 00:16:22,482 --> 00:16:25,652 put your legs in the stirrups, and we'll get you shaved. 378 00:16:29,022 --> 00:16:30,690 Oh, damn. 379 00:16:30,757 --> 00:16:32,892 I didn't bring the camcorder. 380 00:16:32,959 --> 00:16:34,761 Thanks, Alan. 381 00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:36,996 I'll see you later. Good luck. 382 00:16:37,064 --> 00:16:38,465 Oh, uh, uh, don't forget to put a cone 383 00:16:38,531 --> 00:16:40,467 around his head so he doesn't bite at the stitches. 384 00:16:45,038 --> 00:16:47,140 All right. 385 00:16:47,207 --> 00:16:50,243 Let's have a look. 386 00:16:50,310 --> 00:16:53,746 Okay, in my defense, it's a little cold in here. 387 00:16:53,813 --> 00:16:57,250 Boy, if I had a nickel for every time I heard that. 388 00:17:14,901 --> 00:17:17,670 So... 389 00:17:17,737 --> 00:17:19,106 what's your name? 390 00:17:19,172 --> 00:17:21,441 Naomi. 391 00:17:21,508 --> 00:17:23,343 Let me ask you something, Naomi. 392 00:17:23,410 --> 00:17:25,011 Does doing this make you want 393 00:17:25,078 --> 00:17:27,480 to have dinner with me more or less? 394 00:17:27,547 --> 00:17:29,516 Just a reminder, Mr. Harper: 395 00:17:29,582 --> 00:17:32,385 I'm holding a razor to your genitals. 396 00:17:32,452 --> 00:17:35,088 I know, but how "meet cute" is this? 397 00:17:35,155 --> 00:17:37,124 What a great story 398 00:17:37,190 --> 00:17:40,760 to tell our... 399 00:17:41,861 --> 00:17:43,230 Our what? 400 00:17:44,131 --> 00:17:45,965 Never mind. 401 00:17:46,032 --> 00:17:48,868 Okay, all done. 402 00:17:48,935 --> 00:17:50,537 That was quick. 403 00:17:50,603 --> 00:17:53,640 You got a little mirror so I can check out the back? 404 00:17:53,706 --> 00:17:55,608 Not that little. 405 00:17:57,477 --> 00:17:58,511 Come on, honey, all right? 406 00:17:58,578 --> 00:18:00,780 Breathe with me. Breathe with me. 407 00:18:00,847 --> 00:18:02,849 Ah, ooh, ooh. All right, that's good. That's good. 408 00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:04,617 Now listen, I just got to do one quick snip, 409 00:18:04,684 --> 00:18:06,386 and then I'll meet you at the hospital. 410 00:18:06,453 --> 00:18:07,720 Excuse me, quick snip? 411 00:18:07,787 --> 00:18:08,755 Oh, no, thanks, I'm fine. 412 00:18:10,190 --> 00:18:12,592 I love you. Breathe, honey, just breathe. 413 00:18:12,659 --> 00:18:14,060 Okay, bye-bye. 414 00:18:14,127 --> 00:18:16,596 Whoa, it's getting exciting now. 415 00:18:16,663 --> 00:18:19,399 Okay, let's see what we're up against here. 416 00:18:19,466 --> 00:18:20,667 Woof! That's quite a haircut. 417 00:18:21,868 --> 00:18:24,471 Looks like my grandma in a bathing cap. 418 00:18:26,806 --> 00:18:29,576 Okay, Mr. Harper, 419 00:18:29,642 --> 00:18:32,078 I'm going to give you a local anesthetic here, 420 00:18:32,145 --> 00:18:33,880 so you're going to feel a little sting. 421 00:18:33,946 --> 00:18:35,282 Okay, just let me know 422 00:18:35,348 --> 00:18:38,318 when you're about to... holy mother of God! 423 00:18:38,385 --> 00:18:40,187 Okay, here it comes. 424 00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:41,053 Kidding. 425 00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:42,289 Kidding. 426 00:18:43,856 --> 00:18:47,560 Now we'll just give it a minute till we're nice and numb. 427 00:18:47,627 --> 00:18:50,863 You know, we're thinking Juliet now, or maybe Julianne. 428 00:18:50,930 --> 00:18:52,265 Both good names. 429 00:18:52,332 --> 00:18:54,267 Yeah. You want a name that fits a child 430 00:18:54,334 --> 00:18:56,269 but also is appropriate for an adult. 431 00:18:56,336 --> 00:18:58,871 Can you feel my finger? 432 00:18:58,938 --> 00:19:00,173 What finger? Why, why? 433 00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:01,374 What are you doing? 434 00:19:01,441 --> 00:19:04,110 Okay, let's start snipping. 435 00:19:04,177 --> 00:19:07,347 ( phone rings ) 436 00:19:07,414 --> 00:19:09,649 Naomi, could you get that for me? 437 00:19:11,184 --> 00:19:12,785 Hello? 438 00:19:12,852 --> 00:19:14,621 Oh, hi, honey. 439 00:19:14,687 --> 00:19:15,788 No, no, I can talk. 440 00:19:17,324 --> 00:19:19,592 What? You-you're kidding. Already? 441 00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:21,160 Okay, um, don't panic. I'm on my way. 442 00:19:21,228 --> 00:19:22,662 Okay, this is a little embarrassing, 443 00:19:22,729 --> 00:19:23,596 but I have to go. 444 00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:24,797 Naomi, why don't you see to it 445 00:19:24,864 --> 00:19:26,666 that Mr. Harper has another appointment 446 00:19:26,733 --> 00:19:29,469 and, uh, no charge for the haircut. 447 00:19:29,536 --> 00:19:31,671 I'm going to be a daddy! 448 00:19:36,175 --> 00:19:38,845 Man, he looks really happy. 449 00:19:38,911 --> 00:19:41,548 Yeah, well, they've been trying for a long time. 450 00:19:43,483 --> 00:19:45,184 Uh, you can put your legs down now. 451 00:19:45,252 --> 00:19:48,921 Yeah... that's one option. 452 00:19:59,366 --> 00:20:02,068 Unbelievable. Let it go, Alan. 453 00:20:02,134 --> 00:20:05,572 Who goes in for a vasectomy and comes out with a date? 454 00:20:05,638 --> 00:20:08,575 What? I'm a man; she's a woman. 455 00:20:08,641 --> 00:20:10,843 A woman who, two minutes after you met her, 456 00:20:10,910 --> 00:20:12,312 was shaving your scrotum. 457 00:20:12,379 --> 00:20:14,647 So we skipped ahead a little. 458 00:20:16,549 --> 00:20:18,885 Hey, you feeling any calmer, Uncle Charlie? 459 00:20:18,951 --> 00:20:20,353 What do you mean? 460 00:20:20,420 --> 00:20:23,122 When Scout had his operation, he got real calm. 461 00:20:23,189 --> 00:20:27,427 Then he got fat and only wanted to sleep behind the dryer. 462 00:20:27,494 --> 00:20:30,330 Okay, first of all, it's not the same operation, 463 00:20:30,397 --> 00:20:32,465 and second of all, I didn't even have it. 464 00:20:32,532 --> 00:20:34,133 So you're going to have kids? 465 00:20:34,200 --> 00:20:36,603 I don't know. Maybe someday. 466 00:20:36,669 --> 00:20:39,406 I hope so 'cause you'd be a cool dad. 467 00:20:41,207 --> 00:20:42,041 Really? 468 00:20:42,108 --> 00:20:43,476 Mm-hmm. 469 00:20:45,144 --> 00:20:47,113 Did you hear that? 470 00:20:47,179 --> 00:20:48,348 Yeah. 471 00:20:48,415 --> 00:20:49,349 So, you're, uh, you're not 472 00:20:49,416 --> 00:20:50,483 going to have the vasectomy? 473 00:20:50,550 --> 00:20:52,218 Hey, I tried my best, 474 00:20:52,285 --> 00:20:53,520 but it just wasn't meant to be. 475 00:20:53,586 --> 00:20:54,721 What do you mean? 476 00:20:54,787 --> 00:20:56,456 Do you think it was a coincidence 477 00:20:56,523 --> 00:20:58,525 that my urologist was having a baby 478 00:20:58,591 --> 00:21:00,927 at the very moment I was about to get snipped? 479 00:21:00,993 --> 00:21:02,629 I mean, I'm not 480 00:21:02,695 --> 00:21:04,030 a particularly religious guy, 481 00:21:04,096 --> 00:21:07,400 but clearly a power much greater than myself 482 00:21:07,467 --> 00:21:10,703 wants me to knock somebody up someday. 483 00:21:12,038 --> 00:21:15,274 You called?