1 00:00:02,436 --> 00:00:04,838 These divorce lawyers have a good business, don't they? 2 00:00:04,905 --> 00:00:08,376 Yeah, in the same way locusts have a good business. 3 00:00:12,213 --> 00:00:13,647 Mmm, smells good. 4 00:00:13,714 --> 00:00:15,783 So does the coffee. 5 00:00:18,018 --> 00:00:20,388 Charlie, stop sniffing the paralegals. 6 00:00:21,489 --> 00:00:24,058 Look, I am paying my attorney by the hour 7 00:00:24,125 --> 00:00:25,593 so just speak when spoken to, 8 00:00:25,659 --> 00:00:29,530 and, uh, otherwise, you know, just... shut up. 9 00:00:30,931 --> 00:00:32,400 Hey, if you'd listened to me in the first place, 10 00:00:32,466 --> 00:00:33,967 you wouldn't be in this mess. 11 00:00:34,034 --> 00:00:35,803 I'm the one who told you not to marry her. 12 00:00:35,869 --> 00:00:37,405 You're also the one who told me 13 00:00:37,471 --> 00:00:39,273 that if I jumped off the garage roof 14 00:00:39,340 --> 00:00:41,842 with a bath towel tied around my neck 15 00:00:41,909 --> 00:00:43,311 I could fly to school. 16 00:00:44,212 --> 00:00:46,780 The one time you listen to me. 17 00:00:46,847 --> 00:00:48,249 Let me tell you another thing. 18 00:00:48,316 --> 00:00:50,418 If I hadn't married Judith, there'd be no Jake. 19 00:00:50,484 --> 00:00:52,686 I didn't say you couldn't knock her up. 20 00:00:54,188 --> 00:00:55,723 Okay, let's get started. 21 00:00:55,789 --> 00:00:56,824 Wow. 22 00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:59,293 No. No wowing. 23 00:01:00,928 --> 00:01:03,131 No sniffing, no wowing. 24 00:01:03,197 --> 00:01:03,864 Laura Lang. 25 00:01:03,931 --> 00:01:05,099 Charlie Harper. 26 00:01:06,334 --> 00:01:07,968 Hey, didn't you used to date Superman? 27 00:01:08,035 --> 00:01:09,303 That's Lana Lang. 28 00:01:09,370 --> 00:01:10,738 She was Superboy's girlfriend, 29 00:01:10,804 --> 00:01:13,207 and guys have been using that tired old line on me 30 00:01:13,274 --> 00:01:14,275 since fifth grade. 31 00:01:14,342 --> 00:01:16,076 Did it ever work? 32 00:01:16,144 --> 00:01:18,412 Let's just get down to business, okay? 33 00:01:18,479 --> 00:01:19,580 Okay. 34 00:01:19,647 --> 00:01:23,151 Didn't the Titanic bang into her? 35 00:01:23,851 --> 00:01:24,818 Okay, Mr. Harper, 36 00:01:24,885 --> 00:01:26,254 the reason I wanted to see you 37 00:01:26,320 --> 00:01:27,188 is that your brother is involved 38 00:01:27,255 --> 00:01:28,689 in a divorce action 39 00:01:28,756 --> 00:01:30,991 where the custody of his son might become an issue. 40 00:01:31,058 --> 00:01:32,426 Really? Why? 41 00:01:32,493 --> 00:01:35,429 Well, because Jake stays with his father part-time. 42 00:01:35,496 --> 00:01:37,198 His father lives with you, 43 00:01:37,265 --> 00:01:38,632 and in the words of his mother, 44 00:01:38,699 --> 00:01:41,068 you are... hang on-- I want to get this right-- 45 00:01:41,135 --> 00:01:42,603 oh, here it is... 46 00:01:42,670 --> 00:01:43,771 "a sleazeball." 47 00:01:44,872 --> 00:01:46,607 Yeah. So? 48 00:01:46,674 --> 00:01:49,443 So she might try to take Jake out of your home. 49 00:01:49,510 --> 00:01:51,445 Why? It's a beautiful home. 50 00:01:52,680 --> 00:01:55,149 You really should come see it some evening. 51 00:01:57,718 --> 00:01:59,653 It's in Malibu. 52 00:02:00,988 --> 00:02:02,456 Right on the beach. 53 00:02:03,557 --> 00:02:06,294 My point is, if Mrs. Harper decides 54 00:02:06,360 --> 00:02:07,661 to make an issue out of your lifestyle, 55 00:02:07,728 --> 00:02:08,829 we need to be prepared. 56 00:02:08,896 --> 00:02:10,298 What's wrong with my lifestyle? 57 00:02:10,364 --> 00:02:11,865 Oh, no. We are not going 58 00:02:11,932 --> 00:02:13,967 down that road at $300 an hour. 59 00:02:14,034 --> 00:02:16,270 Relax, Alan. I'm going to need to know 60 00:02:16,337 --> 00:02:18,972 every possible thing they can use against us-- 61 00:02:19,039 --> 00:02:20,808 every skeleton in your closet. 62 00:02:20,874 --> 00:02:22,843 Oh, boy. 63 00:02:22,910 --> 00:02:25,813 So, what, you want to know about my sex life? 64 00:02:25,879 --> 00:02:29,116 Your sex life, your drinking, your gambling, partying. 65 00:02:29,183 --> 00:02:31,652 On the beach. 66 00:02:33,621 --> 00:02:34,488 Mr. Harper. 67 00:02:34,555 --> 00:02:35,756 I'm sorry. 68 00:02:35,823 --> 00:02:39,092 Isn't that kind of an invasion of my privacy? 69 00:02:39,159 --> 00:02:40,894 It is, and I apologize for that. 70 00:02:40,961 --> 00:02:42,596 But I handle a lot of divorces, 71 00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:44,765 and believe me, they can get nasty. 72 00:02:46,367 --> 00:02:47,735 Look, I've got to be in court, 73 00:02:47,801 --> 00:02:49,537 so why don't you give this some thought, 74 00:02:49,603 --> 00:02:51,539 and when you gather the information we need, 75 00:02:51,605 --> 00:02:53,541 give me a call. 76 00:02:56,677 --> 00:03:00,481 Okay. Starting from now and working backward, 77 00:03:00,548 --> 00:03:06,487 I've slept with... my brother's attorney... 78 00:03:06,554 --> 00:03:10,658 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 79 00:03:10,724 --> 00:03:12,460 * Men... * 80 00:03:16,697 --> 00:03:19,066 So Laura, let me ask you something. 81 00:03:19,132 --> 00:03:21,235 The other day in your office, 82 00:03:21,302 --> 00:03:23,904 you didn't seem to like me much. 83 00:03:23,971 --> 00:03:26,640 I'm just wondering 84 00:03:26,707 --> 00:03:28,976 what caused you to drive over here, 85 00:03:29,042 --> 00:03:30,578 you know, mostly naked? 86 00:03:30,644 --> 00:03:32,880 Charlie, I don't have to like you to want you. 87 00:03:32,946 --> 00:03:34,782 Right on. 88 00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:40,220 For the record, 89 00:03:40,288 --> 00:03:42,089 I don't like you much either. 90 00:03:42,155 --> 00:03:44,525 Right on. 91 00:03:47,261 --> 00:03:48,496 Another question. 92 00:03:49,863 --> 00:03:53,301 Seeing as how you're my brother's lawyer and all, 93 00:03:53,367 --> 00:03:57,004 is what we're doing here-- what's the word-- unethical? 94 00:03:57,070 --> 00:03:58,806 Oh, God, yes. 95 00:03:58,872 --> 00:04:01,275 Right on. 96 00:04:03,444 --> 00:04:06,079 Listen, Charlie, I totally get who you are. 97 00:04:06,146 --> 00:04:08,248 You date lots of women. You're a player. 98 00:04:08,316 --> 00:04:10,017 That's fine. I don't care. 99 00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:12,453 Oh, you are very special. 100 00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:15,323 I just have one little request. 101 00:04:15,389 --> 00:04:18,091 You can pretty much have anything you want right now. 102 00:04:18,158 --> 00:04:19,660 If your brother found out about us, 103 00:04:19,727 --> 00:04:21,261 he could sue me for malpractice. 104 00:04:21,329 --> 00:04:22,596 I'm taking a big risk here. 105 00:04:22,663 --> 00:04:24,598 Man, this just keeps getting hotter. 106 00:04:24,665 --> 00:04:28,268 But I need you to do something for me. 107 00:04:28,336 --> 00:04:31,405 When I call you, when I want you, 108 00:04:31,472 --> 00:04:32,740 you've got to be there. 109 00:04:32,806 --> 00:04:34,975 Okay, let's practice. 110 00:04:35,042 --> 00:04:36,577 ( makes ringing sound ) 111 00:04:36,644 --> 00:04:37,445 Hello? 112 00:04:37,511 --> 00:04:38,946 Oh, hey, Laura, what's up? 113 00:04:39,012 --> 00:04:40,147 Now. 114 00:04:40,213 --> 00:04:41,782 Right on. 115 00:04:47,921 --> 00:04:48,922 Hello? Charlie? 116 00:04:52,860 --> 00:04:54,962 Sorry, but I'm gonna have to speed this up. 117 00:04:57,898 --> 00:04:59,099 Charlie, relax. 118 00:04:59,166 --> 00:05:02,069 Just go downstairs and distract him. 119 00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:03,371 You're gonna leave? 120 00:05:03,437 --> 00:05:04,772 Hey, I'm done. 121 00:05:04,838 --> 00:05:08,275 No cuddling, no sharing feelings? 122 00:05:08,342 --> 00:05:09,910 I think I'm starting to like you. 123 00:05:09,977 --> 00:05:11,345 Save the sweet talk. 124 00:05:11,412 --> 00:05:13,280 Just remember our deal. 125 00:05:13,347 --> 00:05:14,815 It suddenly occurs to me. 126 00:05:14,882 --> 00:05:19,052 I'm usually the one sneaking out when the man gets home. 127 00:05:19,119 --> 00:05:20,488 Charlie, go! 128 00:05:20,554 --> 00:05:22,956 I thought it was a fun fact. 129 00:05:26,026 --> 00:05:26,994 Hey, Uncle Charlie. 130 00:05:27,060 --> 00:05:29,062 Hey, buddy. You're here early. 131 00:05:29,129 --> 00:05:30,464 Teacher's conference, half day. 132 00:05:30,531 --> 00:05:32,165 Whoa, where you going? 133 00:05:32,232 --> 00:05:33,834 I'm looking for my Gameboy. 134 00:05:33,901 --> 00:05:34,868 Forget your Gameboy. 135 00:05:34,935 --> 00:05:37,538 It's a beautiful day. Go watch TV. 136 00:05:37,605 --> 00:05:39,673 I don't want to watch TV. 137 00:05:39,740 --> 00:05:41,341 I want to play my Gameboy and it's in your room. 138 00:05:41,409 --> 00:05:43,844 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 139 00:05:43,911 --> 00:05:48,081 The parental code that unlocks the pay channels is 1234. 140 00:05:48,148 --> 00:05:49,483 1234. 141 00:05:49,550 --> 00:05:50,884 I shoulda known. 142 00:05:52,953 --> 00:05:53,921 Oh, I'm sorry. 143 00:05:53,987 --> 00:05:56,089 Did I interrupt your late morning nap 144 00:05:56,156 --> 00:05:57,257 or the early afternoon nap? 145 00:05:57,324 --> 00:05:59,693 I don't nap. I recharge. 146 00:06:00,761 --> 00:06:01,929 Can I get you a beer? 147 00:06:01,995 --> 00:06:03,063 Sure, thanks. 148 00:06:04,832 --> 00:06:05,833 Come on. 149 00:06:05,899 --> 00:06:09,302 Hang on. Alan Harper for Laura Lang, please. 150 00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:10,070 What are you doing? 151 00:06:10,137 --> 00:06:11,271 Calling my lawyer. 152 00:06:11,338 --> 00:06:12,873 Why? I thought we were gonna have a beer. 153 00:06:12,940 --> 00:06:15,709 Judith is demanding half my book collection. 154 00:06:15,776 --> 00:06:17,911 Oh, man. Sounds like you need a beer. 155 00:06:17,978 --> 00:06:20,047 They're rare first editions, Charlie. 156 00:06:20,113 --> 00:06:21,549 Very valuable. 157 00:06:21,615 --> 00:06:23,851 Okay, well, you don't need to get your lawyer involved. 158 00:06:23,917 --> 00:06:26,253 Hey, you've still got your old garage door clicker, right? 159 00:06:26,319 --> 00:06:27,354 Yeah. 160 00:06:27,421 --> 00:06:28,789 So, let Judith have the books 161 00:06:28,856 --> 00:06:30,858 and then one night maybe someone goes 162 00:06:30,924 --> 00:06:31,725 and gets them back. 163 00:06:31,792 --> 00:06:34,061 Wonderful. Breaking and entering. 164 00:06:34,127 --> 00:06:37,030 It's not "breaking" if you have the clicker. 165 00:06:37,097 --> 00:06:38,966 More good advice. 166 00:06:39,032 --> 00:06:41,268 And it's free. 167 00:06:41,334 --> 00:06:42,402 So hang up and let's get that beer. 168 00:06:42,470 --> 00:06:43,771 Sure, I'll hold. 169 00:06:43,837 --> 00:06:47,575 They're patching me through to her cell phone. 170 00:06:47,641 --> 00:06:49,443 ( phone rings ) 171 00:06:49,510 --> 00:06:51,745 What's that? 172 00:06:51,812 --> 00:06:52,713 That? 173 00:06:52,780 --> 00:06:55,048 That is, coincidentally, my cell phone. 174 00:06:56,116 --> 00:06:57,551 Excuse me. 175 00:06:57,618 --> 00:06:59,487 Oh, hi, Alan. 176 00:06:59,553 --> 00:07:00,721 Don't answer! 177 00:07:02,122 --> 00:07:03,323 What's up? 178 00:07:03,390 --> 00:07:04,357 What are you doing? 179 00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:06,393 Hang on, Alan. 180 00:07:06,460 --> 00:07:07,961 I'm making a living, Charlie. 181 00:07:08,028 --> 00:07:09,963 I thought you were worried about malpractice. 182 00:07:10,030 --> 00:07:12,666 I'm more worried about billable hours. 183 00:07:13,667 --> 00:07:15,368 Can you prove you acquired the books 184 00:07:15,435 --> 00:07:17,037 in question prior to the marriage? 185 00:07:17,104 --> 00:07:18,038 Charlie! 186 00:07:18,105 --> 00:07:19,072 Coming. 187 00:07:19,139 --> 00:07:20,073 Shh. 188 00:07:20,140 --> 00:07:22,042 Why are you shushing me? 189 00:07:22,109 --> 00:07:23,243 Hang on. 190 00:07:23,310 --> 00:07:24,311 What? 191 00:07:24,377 --> 00:07:25,312 I'm on the phone with Laura. 192 00:07:25,378 --> 00:07:26,680 Say hi for me. 193 00:07:26,747 --> 00:07:28,081 Give it up, Charlie. 194 00:07:28,148 --> 00:07:29,182 She doesn't like you. 195 00:07:29,249 --> 00:07:31,051 True. 196 00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:32,886 Listen, you'll testify that I bought 197 00:07:32,953 --> 00:07:35,489 all my first-edition books before I got married, right? 198 00:07:35,556 --> 00:07:36,089 Did you? 199 00:07:36,156 --> 00:07:36,957 No. 200 00:07:37,024 --> 00:07:37,958 Then I'm your man. 201 00:07:38,025 --> 00:07:39,026 I can prove it. 202 00:07:39,092 --> 00:07:40,528 Charlie's my witness. 203 00:07:40,594 --> 00:07:41,695 Hey, what happened to the TV? 204 00:07:41,762 --> 00:07:44,565 There's nothing dirty on. 205 00:07:44,632 --> 00:07:45,633 I'm gonna get my Gameboy. 206 00:07:45,699 --> 00:07:47,100 No, no, no. No, no, no. 207 00:07:47,167 --> 00:07:48,435 No, wait right here. 208 00:07:48,502 --> 00:07:50,303 I'll get it for you. 209 00:07:50,370 --> 00:07:52,640 Of course, he's credible. 210 00:07:52,706 --> 00:07:53,907 I don't know, Alan. 211 00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:57,010 If the right lawyer gets their hands on him, 212 00:07:57,077 --> 00:07:59,947 they could really make him sweat. 213 00:08:00,981 --> 00:08:02,015 Very funny. 214 00:08:02,082 --> 00:08:05,553 Have you seen a Gameboy anywhere around here? 215 00:08:05,619 --> 00:08:07,655 Okay, we'll just have to do the best we can. 216 00:08:07,721 --> 00:08:09,222 I'll tell him exactly what to do 217 00:08:09,289 --> 00:08:10,858 and who knows? 218 00:08:10,924 --> 00:08:14,261 Maybe he'll get the job done. 219 00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:17,430 I got the job done twice. 220 00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:21,268 Why don't you let me talk to him? 221 00:08:21,334 --> 00:08:23,103 Charlie! 222 00:08:26,106 --> 00:08:27,841 Why? 223 00:08:33,647 --> 00:08:34,815 Where's my Gameboy? 224 00:08:34,882 --> 00:08:36,550 I'll buy you a new one. 225 00:08:37,618 --> 00:08:39,086 She wants to talk to you. 226 00:08:39,152 --> 00:08:40,554 Keep it short. 227 00:08:40,621 --> 00:08:41,722 Alan, if I could keep it short, 228 00:08:41,789 --> 00:08:43,891 my life would be so much simpler. 229 00:08:45,158 --> 00:08:45,993 Hello? 230 00:08:46,059 --> 00:08:47,194 Now. 231 00:08:47,260 --> 00:08:49,096 What? 232 00:08:49,162 --> 00:08:53,200 I want you now. 233 00:08:53,266 --> 00:08:54,868 You've got to be kidding. 234 00:08:54,935 --> 00:08:56,637 Charlie, I pay her by the hour. 235 00:08:56,704 --> 00:08:58,906 Just listen to her and do what she says. 236 00:09:00,708 --> 00:09:02,610 You're the boss. 237 00:09:02,676 --> 00:09:03,877 I'll get right on it. 238 00:09:04,612 --> 00:09:05,746 What did she say? 239 00:09:05,813 --> 00:09:07,915 Uh, she wants me to... write a statement. 240 00:09:07,981 --> 00:09:10,117 And she wants you to... take Jake out 241 00:09:10,183 --> 00:09:11,719 and buy him a new Gameboy. 242 00:09:11,785 --> 00:09:13,621 Why would she want that? 243 00:09:13,687 --> 00:09:14,888 For God's sake, Alan, 244 00:09:14,955 --> 00:09:16,990 you're paying this woman a lot of money. 245 00:09:17,057 --> 00:09:18,792 I suggest you take her advice. 246 00:09:18,859 --> 00:09:22,029 Jake, we're going out. 247 00:09:24,097 --> 00:09:25,799 I just want to make it clear 248 00:09:25,866 --> 00:09:27,267 that I would never behave in a way 249 00:09:27,334 --> 00:09:29,302 that would negatively influence my nephew. 250 00:09:29,369 --> 00:09:30,470 ( scoffs ) 251 00:09:30,537 --> 00:09:31,905 Hey, what was that? 252 00:09:31,972 --> 00:09:33,373 Is she allowed to do that? 253 00:09:33,440 --> 00:09:34,407 Mr. Harper, 254 00:09:34,474 --> 00:09:35,909 how many women would you say 255 00:09:35,976 --> 00:09:38,511 you have sexual relations with in any given year? 256 00:09:38,578 --> 00:09:39,947 Excuse me. 257 00:09:47,087 --> 00:09:48,822 I do okay. 258 00:09:50,858 --> 00:09:52,793 Ten, 20, a hundred? 259 00:09:52,860 --> 00:09:54,461 Come on. I don't keep count. 260 00:09:54,527 --> 00:09:56,496 So we'll say... ten? 261 00:09:56,563 --> 00:09:57,665 I don't see the relevance of this. 262 00:09:57,731 --> 00:09:58,866 Well, we're trying 263 00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:00,834 to establish Mr. Harper's lifestyle 264 00:10:00,901 --> 00:10:02,903 as a way of determining whether his home 265 00:10:02,970 --> 00:10:04,905 is a suitable environment for a young boy. 266 00:10:04,972 --> 00:10:07,540 Okay, let me just say here that I love Jake 267 00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:09,877 and I make it my business to see that nothing goes on 268 00:10:09,943 --> 00:10:12,245 in front of him that is in any way inappropriate. 269 00:10:12,312 --> 00:10:13,647 You tell him, Charlie. 270 00:10:14,882 --> 00:10:17,384 And it's significantly north of ten. 271 00:10:23,824 --> 00:10:24,825 I think we can move on. 272 00:10:24,892 --> 00:10:26,827 Do you have any more questions? 273 00:10:27,795 --> 00:10:31,298 You are doing very well. 274 00:10:31,364 --> 00:10:33,100 Thanks. 275 00:10:33,166 --> 00:10:36,636 Uh... Mr. Harper, is it true that Jake saw 276 00:10:36,704 --> 00:10:39,006 a woman in the shower with you? 277 00:10:39,072 --> 00:10:41,108 Okay, yes. 278 00:10:41,174 --> 00:10:44,778 Now, in that instance, the door was closed, 279 00:10:44,845 --> 00:10:50,150 he didn't knock, and the door was closed... 280 00:10:51,351 --> 00:10:52,519 And... 281 00:10:52,585 --> 00:10:54,822 I'm sorry. What was the question? 282 00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:57,624 Woman in the shower. 283 00:10:57,691 --> 00:10:59,026 Don't help them. 284 00:11:00,694 --> 00:11:01,995 And, most important, 285 00:11:02,062 --> 00:11:03,931 he didn't see anything inappropriate. 286 00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:06,499 Well, then, what can you tell us 287 00:11:06,566 --> 00:11:09,036 about this picture that Jake drew? 288 00:11:12,139 --> 00:11:13,874 Okay, now... 289 00:11:13,941 --> 00:11:16,043 that's a totally different... 290 00:11:16,109 --> 00:11:17,745 Whoa! Man! 291 00:11:19,146 --> 00:11:21,715 Whoa-man. Woman. 292 00:11:23,917 --> 00:11:25,518 She was in my kitchen 293 00:11:25,585 --> 00:11:28,055 wearing a T-shirt, and she reached up for some... 294 00:11:28,121 --> 00:11:29,456 Uh-oh! 295 00:11:31,458 --> 00:11:33,260 SpaghettiOs. 296 00:11:34,928 --> 00:11:37,731 That... that's what she was reaching for. 297 00:11:37,798 --> 00:11:41,869 I'd like a moment to confer with my witness. 298 00:11:41,935 --> 00:11:46,673 You are making me so hot. 299 00:11:46,740 --> 00:11:48,742 I see. 300 00:11:48,809 --> 00:11:51,011 Look, Stuart, 301 00:11:51,078 --> 00:11:54,381 we both know you're on a fishing expedition here, right? 302 00:11:54,447 --> 00:11:57,951 Well... maybe. 303 00:11:58,018 --> 00:11:59,319 Maybe? 304 00:11:59,386 --> 00:12:00,754 You have no case. 305 00:12:00,821 --> 00:12:02,990 This man is a wonderful uncle. 306 00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:04,792 He provides a beautiful home. 307 00:12:04,858 --> 00:12:06,093 And the last time I looked, 308 00:12:06,159 --> 00:12:07,928 it wasn't against the law to be single 309 00:12:07,995 --> 00:12:10,063 in the United States of America. 310 00:12:10,130 --> 00:12:12,065 Oh, God... 311 00:12:14,835 --> 00:12:17,337 bless America. 312 00:12:19,106 --> 00:12:20,073 Amen. 313 00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:26,780 The good news is 314 00:12:26,847 --> 00:12:28,448 your wife has given up on the custody issue, 315 00:12:28,515 --> 00:12:31,484 All right. but we still need to finalize the property settlement. 316 00:12:31,551 --> 00:12:32,953 Now, aside from your books, 317 00:12:33,020 --> 00:12:35,522 she's requested a few other specific items. 318 00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:36,389 Like what? 319 00:12:36,456 --> 00:12:38,558 A massage chair. 320 00:12:38,625 --> 00:12:40,160 Oh, no. Oh, no. Forget it. 321 00:12:40,227 --> 00:12:41,194 Forget it. 322 00:12:41,261 --> 00:12:42,295 I love that chair. 323 00:12:42,362 --> 00:12:44,631 That was the only thing in my bedroom 324 00:12:44,697 --> 00:12:46,499 that moved when I touched it. 325 00:12:46,566 --> 00:12:47,634 Don't worry, Alan. 326 00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:49,436 I will get you your chair. 327 00:12:49,502 --> 00:12:50,670 I will get you your books. 328 00:12:50,737 --> 00:12:52,873 I will fight for you, I will win for you, 329 00:12:52,940 --> 00:12:55,075 and I won't stop until your wife is squished 330 00:12:55,142 --> 00:12:56,509 like a bug on a windshield. 331 00:12:56,576 --> 00:12:59,346 Okay, let's not lose sight of the fact 332 00:12:59,412 --> 00:13:02,149 that this bug is the mother of my child. 333 00:13:02,215 --> 00:13:05,018 So let's just keep the squishing to a minimum. 334 00:13:05,085 --> 00:13:06,119 CHARLIE: Don't worry. 335 00:13:06,186 --> 00:13:07,921 You don't need a bathing suit. 336 00:13:07,988 --> 00:13:11,224 Once you're drunk, the ocean's not cold at all. 337 00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:12,492 Charlie. 338 00:13:12,559 --> 00:13:13,526 Hey, Alan. 339 00:13:16,229 --> 00:13:17,497 And Laura. 340 00:13:18,765 --> 00:13:20,400 Hello, Laura. 341 00:13:21,768 --> 00:13:23,536 I didn't know you were here. 342 00:13:23,603 --> 00:13:24,504 Hi, Charlie. 343 00:13:24,571 --> 00:13:25,672 Crystal. 344 00:13:25,738 --> 00:13:27,540 Hey. 345 00:13:27,607 --> 00:13:28,675 Oh, yeah. 346 00:13:28,741 --> 00:13:30,643 I guess you guys know each other. 347 00:13:30,710 --> 00:13:32,545 ( clears throat ) 348 00:13:32,612 --> 00:13:33,914 How's that flu? 349 00:13:33,981 --> 00:13:36,516 Oh, um, it's better. 350 00:13:36,583 --> 00:13:37,885 ( coughing ) 351 00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:42,389 Hey, this calls for a drink. 352 00:13:42,455 --> 00:13:43,957 A very large drink. 353 00:13:45,392 --> 00:13:50,030 Um, I'm not getting billed for her time now, am I? 354 00:13:58,538 --> 00:13:59,272 Charlie. 355 00:13:59,339 --> 00:14:01,608 Okay, I know this is awkward, 356 00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:02,943 but let's keep in mind 357 00:14:03,010 --> 00:14:05,345 we agreed that you and I were just a casual deal. 358 00:14:05,412 --> 00:14:07,881 Two consenting adults, no strings, no drama. 359 00:14:07,948 --> 00:14:08,949 Charlie. 360 00:14:09,016 --> 00:14:10,050 And I'm willing to admit 361 00:14:10,117 --> 00:14:11,684 that trying to boink your assistant 362 00:14:11,751 --> 00:14:13,486 might not have been... Charlie. 363 00:14:13,553 --> 00:14:15,222 Yeah? 364 00:14:15,288 --> 00:14:16,656 Now. 365 00:14:16,723 --> 00:14:17,991 What? 366 00:14:18,058 --> 00:14:22,029 I want you now. 367 00:14:22,095 --> 00:14:24,464 But see, now's really not a good time. 368 00:14:24,531 --> 00:14:26,766 I mean, you're working with my brother, 369 00:14:26,833 --> 00:14:28,601 and Crystal took a sick day... 370 00:14:32,739 --> 00:14:35,508 Okay, that's a good point. 371 00:14:35,575 --> 00:14:38,378 Let me think this through. 372 00:14:40,547 --> 00:14:42,582 All right, there's just one way to make this work. 373 00:14:42,649 --> 00:14:45,152 I don't do threesomes, Charlie. 374 00:14:45,218 --> 00:14:47,587 Then I'm stumped. 375 00:14:47,654 --> 00:14:48,755 What's going on? 376 00:14:48,821 --> 00:14:50,390 Nothing. Not a thing. 377 00:14:50,457 --> 00:14:53,026 Charlie, there's no reason to lie. 378 00:14:53,093 --> 00:14:54,427 Are you sure? 379 00:14:54,494 --> 00:14:56,496 There usually is. 380 00:14:56,563 --> 00:14:58,865 I'm a little upset with your brother 381 00:14:58,932 --> 00:15:00,333 for getting involved with my assistant. 382 00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:03,070 It could be construed as a breach of ethics. 383 00:15:03,136 --> 00:15:04,404 Nice going, Charlie. 384 00:15:04,471 --> 00:15:06,339 This won't affect my case, will it? 385 00:15:06,406 --> 00:15:08,241 Of course not, Alan, I'm a professional. 386 00:15:08,308 --> 00:15:09,476 Listen, if we're going to make it 387 00:15:09,542 --> 00:15:11,344 to that settlement conference on time, 388 00:15:11,411 --> 00:15:13,981 maybe you should put on a jacket and tie. 389 00:15:14,047 --> 00:15:15,315 Nothing too nice. 390 00:15:15,382 --> 00:15:16,316 Oh, you're good. 391 00:15:16,383 --> 00:15:18,551 You think you can keep it in your pants 392 00:15:18,618 --> 00:15:20,387 till I get my stuff back? 393 00:15:21,488 --> 00:15:24,557 I'm trying harder than you think. 394 00:15:26,659 --> 00:15:27,694 Okay, we've got 15 minutes. 395 00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:29,096 Where do you want to do this? 396 00:15:29,162 --> 00:15:31,098 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on. 397 00:15:31,164 --> 00:15:36,203 It's not that I'm not into risky, semipublic sex, 398 00:15:36,269 --> 00:15:40,607 it's just that I'm starting to resent your attitude. 399 00:15:40,673 --> 00:15:42,542 Charlie, we have a deal. 400 00:15:42,609 --> 00:15:47,347 Okay, Laura, look, uh... 401 00:15:47,414 --> 00:15:51,351 I only went along with that because you're hot 402 00:15:51,418 --> 00:15:55,322 and took little to no effort on my part. 403 00:15:57,190 --> 00:15:59,159 Just make yourself at home, Crystal. 404 00:15:59,226 --> 00:16:02,529 That's the ocean. 405 00:16:04,397 --> 00:16:09,236 Anyway, uh, I think we might be done here. 406 00:16:09,302 --> 00:16:10,870 You're dumping me? 407 00:16:10,937 --> 00:16:12,105 Yep. 408 00:16:12,839 --> 00:16:14,407 Now. 409 00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:19,579 You're going to be very sorry, Charlie Harper. 410 00:16:22,982 --> 00:16:27,587 Yeah, girls have been using that tired old line on me 411 00:16:27,654 --> 00:16:29,522 since the fifth grade. 412 00:16:31,258 --> 00:16:35,228 Okay, the next item is the rare book collection 413 00:16:35,295 --> 00:16:36,929 appraised at $12,000. 414 00:16:36,996 --> 00:16:39,866 Actually, our appraisers came in at $16,500. 415 00:16:39,932 --> 00:16:41,468 Yeah. 416 00:16:41,534 --> 00:16:42,669 Enjoy them. 417 00:16:46,573 --> 00:16:47,974 What? 418 00:16:48,041 --> 00:16:49,809 I was only asking for half. 419 00:16:49,876 --> 00:16:51,511 Why break up a collection? 420 00:16:51,578 --> 00:16:53,046 Okay, what's next? 421 00:16:53,113 --> 00:16:54,314 Well, I understand there's a dispute 422 00:16:54,381 --> 00:16:55,848 over the massage chair. 423 00:16:55,915 --> 00:16:57,150 Not anymore. We concede. 424 00:16:57,217 --> 00:16:58,385 What do you mean we concede? 425 00:16:58,451 --> 00:17:00,153 We're not here for conceding. 426 00:17:00,220 --> 00:17:01,988 We're here for fighting and winning 427 00:17:02,055 --> 00:17:03,290 and squishing, remember? 428 00:17:03,356 --> 00:17:04,924 Alan, I know what I'm doing. 429 00:17:04,991 --> 00:17:08,027 Okay, moving on to the retirement fund. 430 00:17:08,095 --> 00:17:09,129 Take it. Take it? 431 00:17:09,196 --> 00:17:10,797 Take it. I'll take it. 432 00:17:10,863 --> 00:17:12,699 Are you out of your mind?! 433 00:17:12,765 --> 00:17:14,501 Okay, what else would you like? 434 00:17:14,567 --> 00:17:15,568 What else?! 435 00:17:16,769 --> 00:17:18,505 Judith, for God's sake, 436 00:17:18,571 --> 00:17:22,075 remember there was a time when you loved me. 437 00:17:37,590 --> 00:17:40,527 Oh, cool. 438 00:17:43,130 --> 00:17:44,497 Hey, that was quick. 439 00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:48,568 Yeah, like every other time Judith screwed me. 440 00:17:52,205 --> 00:17:53,573 What happened? 441 00:17:53,640 --> 00:17:55,608 What happened? I'll tell you what happened. 442 00:17:55,675 --> 00:18:00,113 My settlement conference turned into a drive-by colonoscopy. 443 00:18:00,947 --> 00:18:02,649 Ouch. 444 00:18:02,715 --> 00:18:05,852 Charlie, have you ever heard of a divorce agreement 445 00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:07,354 that requires the ex-husband 446 00:18:07,420 --> 00:18:10,089 to pay the ex-wife's dry cleaning for life? 447 00:18:10,157 --> 00:18:11,391 Wow. 448 00:18:11,458 --> 00:18:13,025 Yeah, not just clothes. 449 00:18:13,092 --> 00:18:18,565 Drapes, rugs, slipcovers... 450 00:18:18,631 --> 00:18:20,267 even suede. 451 00:18:20,333 --> 00:18:23,870 Sounds like she really took you to the cleaners, huh? 452 00:18:25,505 --> 00:18:26,839 Sorry. 453 00:18:26,906 --> 00:18:30,443 So, I... I fired Laura and tore up the agreement. 454 00:18:30,510 --> 00:18:32,345 I'm going to have to find a new attorney 455 00:18:32,412 --> 00:18:34,046 and just start all over. 456 00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:35,081 Oh, good then. 457 00:18:35,148 --> 00:18:36,549 No harm, no foul. 458 00:18:36,616 --> 00:18:40,387 Except for the thousands of dollars of extra legal fees. 459 00:18:40,453 --> 00:18:42,822 Oh, yeah, that's gonna sting a little, huh? 460 00:18:42,889 --> 00:18:45,225 Not as much as having to buy Judith's parents 461 00:18:45,292 --> 00:18:46,826 a retirement condo in Boca Raton. 462 00:18:48,027 --> 00:18:49,696 She didn't even ask for that. 463 00:18:49,762 --> 00:18:51,864 Laura just threw it in. 464 00:18:51,931 --> 00:18:53,633 Lawyers. 465 00:18:53,700 --> 00:18:57,136 But you know what the interesting thing is? 466 00:18:57,204 --> 00:18:58,738 No, what? 467 00:18:58,805 --> 00:19:00,173 After it was all over 468 00:19:00,240 --> 00:19:04,577 and Judith and her attorney went dancing out of the room, 469 00:19:04,644 --> 00:19:07,347 I asked Laura why she had done this to me, 470 00:19:07,414 --> 00:19:12,885 and she said, and I quote, "Ask your brother." 471 00:19:16,389 --> 00:19:19,692 So, here I am asking you-- 472 00:19:19,759 --> 00:19:21,761 Why, Charlie? 473 00:19:23,930 --> 00:19:25,432 Why did my very expensive 474 00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:28,501 Beverly Hills divorce lawyer sell me out? 475 00:19:28,568 --> 00:19:29,702 ( sighs, clears throat ) 476 00:19:29,769 --> 00:19:32,405 Okay, okay. 477 00:19:32,472 --> 00:19:35,041 I'll tell you the whole story. 478 00:19:35,107 --> 00:19:37,544 But maybe you should sit down first. 479 00:20:53,853 --> 00:20:55,622 * Men... *