1 00:00:01,735 --> 00:00:02,803 Okay, how about this? 2 00:00:02,870 --> 00:00:04,305 If you let me have Jake this Easter, 3 00:00:04,372 --> 00:00:06,540 you can have him the Fourth of July and Labor Day. 4 00:00:06,607 --> 00:00:08,409 No, No, that doesn't work for me at all. 5 00:00:08,476 --> 00:00:10,411 Uh, how about I give you all the Jewish holidays? 6 00:00:10,478 --> 00:00:12,746 When did we become Jewish, Alan? 7 00:00:12,813 --> 00:00:14,782 They're still holidays. 8 00:00:14,848 --> 00:00:16,417 L'chaim. 9 00:00:20,654 --> 00:00:22,390 Your brother's a schmuck. 10 00:00:22,456 --> 00:00:26,960 What are they arguing about now? 11 00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:28,596 It's actually kind of ironic. 12 00:00:28,662 --> 00:00:31,465 They're arguing about who gets you on what days. 13 00:00:31,532 --> 00:00:32,900 That is ironic. 14 00:00:32,966 --> 00:00:35,603 You know what ironic means? 15 00:00:35,669 --> 00:00:38,139 No, but I trust you. 16 00:00:39,607 --> 00:00:40,941 What's ironic is, 17 00:00:41,008 --> 00:00:43,711 while they're arguing about who gets you, I get you. 18 00:00:43,777 --> 00:00:44,978 And you know what? 19 00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:47,581 It's not such a big deal. 20 00:00:47,648 --> 00:00:49,217 Ha, ha. 21 00:00:49,283 --> 00:00:51,619 No offense, but let's face it, you're ten. 22 00:00:51,685 --> 00:00:54,088 I can't take you to Vegas, we can't double-date, 23 00:00:54,155 --> 00:00:55,289 and when's the last time 24 00:00:55,356 --> 00:00:57,057 you picked up a check, you mooch? 25 00:00:58,159 --> 00:01:00,361 I'm almost eleven. 26 00:01:02,163 --> 00:01:03,531 Okay, I think we've got it. 27 00:01:03,597 --> 00:01:05,766 I get him Thanksgiving, you get him Halloween. 28 00:01:05,833 --> 00:01:07,835 You get him Christmas eve, I get him Christmas day. 29 00:01:07,901 --> 00:01:08,802 I get him Yom Kippur. 30 00:01:08,869 --> 00:01:10,638 And I get Hanukkah. 31 00:01:12,005 --> 00:01:13,507 CHARLIE ( quietly ): Hey, guys, 32 00:01:13,574 --> 00:01:14,908 I just found out 33 00:01:14,975 --> 00:01:16,144 Jake's birthday is, 34 00:01:16,210 --> 00:01:17,611 like, in a week! 35 00:01:19,247 --> 00:01:21,449 Shouldn't we make plans? 36 00:01:21,515 --> 00:01:24,752 You're right, he's a schmuck. 37 00:01:24,818 --> 00:01:27,855 What? We know when his birthday is, Charlie. 38 00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:28,856 We were there. 39 00:01:28,922 --> 00:01:30,124 But only one of us got a needle 40 00:01:30,191 --> 00:01:31,125 shoved in their spine. 41 00:01:31,192 --> 00:01:33,727 You begged for that. 42 00:01:35,396 --> 00:01:37,398 Anyway, uh, you, me and Mom are taking Jake 43 00:01:37,465 --> 00:01:38,832 to a show at The Magic Castle. 44 00:01:38,899 --> 00:01:40,368 You invited Mom? 45 00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:41,969 You want to tell her she can't come 46 00:01:42,035 --> 00:01:43,504 to her only grandchild's birthday? 47 00:01:43,571 --> 00:01:44,805 'Cause believe me, I tried. 48 00:01:44,872 --> 00:01:46,907 Oh, man. 49 00:01:46,974 --> 00:01:48,142 Look at the bright side. 50 00:01:48,209 --> 00:01:50,043 Maybe we can bribe one of the magicians 51 00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:51,479 to get her sawed in half. 52 00:01:51,545 --> 00:01:54,648 Or better still-- throw her in a wood-chipper. 53 00:01:54,715 --> 00:01:56,584 Oh, and, uh, uh, 54 00:01:56,650 --> 00:01:59,653 Judith and her sister are going to join us, as well. 55 00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:01,622 Which sister-- the brunette or the blonde? 56 00:02:01,689 --> 00:02:03,624 The brunette. Why? 57 00:02:03,691 --> 00:02:04,792 Just curious. 58 00:02:04,858 --> 00:02:06,927 I never slept with a blonde. 59 00:02:06,994 --> 00:02:09,930 Well, you're not going to sleep with the brunette again, either. 60 00:02:09,997 --> 00:02:11,765 Relax. That was 12 years ago. 61 00:02:11,832 --> 00:02:13,201 Thank you. 62 00:02:13,267 --> 00:02:15,536 Let's just wait till we get a look at her now. 63 00:02:17,505 --> 00:02:20,741 * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * 64 00:02:20,808 --> 00:02:23,444 * Men... * 65 00:02:29,049 --> 00:02:30,584 Happy Birthday! 66 00:02:30,651 --> 00:02:31,552 A magic set? 67 00:02:31,619 --> 00:02:32,420 Awesome. 68 00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:33,787 EVELYN: Oh, how lovely. 69 00:02:33,854 --> 00:02:36,224 Perhaps he'll grow up to be a carnie. 70 00:02:37,758 --> 00:02:39,893 It includes 14 different illusions 71 00:02:39,960 --> 00:02:42,763 that will amaze and astound your friends. 72 00:02:42,830 --> 00:02:44,064 But of course, 73 00:02:44,131 --> 00:02:46,667 your friends may be smarter than mine. 74 00:02:46,734 --> 00:02:48,068 Cool. 75 00:02:48,135 --> 00:02:49,437 Have fun at the Magic Castle. 76 00:02:49,503 --> 00:02:51,004 Aren't you coming with us? 77 00:02:51,071 --> 00:02:52,273 Oh, I wish I could, 78 00:02:52,340 --> 00:02:54,442 but I got to go to some clown's wedding. 79 00:02:54,508 --> 00:02:56,310 I'll try and come back for cake, okay? 80 00:02:56,377 --> 00:02:57,578 Thanks a lot, Rose. 81 00:02:57,645 --> 00:02:59,179 Oh, you're welcome. Bye, Evelyn. 82 00:02:59,247 --> 00:03:00,281 Bye-bye. 83 00:03:00,348 --> 00:03:01,982 Thank you so much. Oh! 84 00:03:02,049 --> 00:03:03,884 Poor soul. 85 00:03:03,951 --> 00:03:06,254 I'm sure she meant well. 86 00:03:08,121 --> 00:03:10,258 Open Grandmommy's present. 87 00:03:12,226 --> 00:03:13,661 Clothes? 88 00:03:13,727 --> 00:03:14,962 Happy Birthday! 89 00:03:15,028 --> 00:03:17,164 Thanks a lot, but clothes? 90 00:03:17,231 --> 00:03:20,000 Not clothes, darling. 91 00:03:20,067 --> 00:03:22,270 It's Calvin Klein. 92 00:03:22,336 --> 00:03:25,339 No, it's clothes. 93 00:03:25,406 --> 00:03:26,674 Believe me, sweetheart, 94 00:03:26,740 --> 00:03:29,209 the girls are going to love you in this. 95 00:03:29,277 --> 00:03:31,512 What girls? 96 00:03:31,579 --> 00:03:34,382 All right, the other boys will be envious. 97 00:03:34,448 --> 00:03:36,617 The other boys will beat me up. 98 00:03:37,951 --> 00:03:40,454 Well, there's just no pleasing you, is there? 99 00:03:43,757 --> 00:03:45,959 Almost ready? Judith and Liz will be here soon. 100 00:03:46,026 --> 00:03:49,397 Liz. Thank you. 101 00:03:50,864 --> 00:03:53,000 Boy, that would have been embarrassing. 102 00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:55,202 Charlie, please don't make a bad situation worse. 103 00:03:55,269 --> 00:03:56,504 Judith and Liz have been 104 00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:58,005 at each other's throats for years. 105 00:03:58,071 --> 00:03:59,340 Why is that? 106 00:03:59,407 --> 00:04:00,608 I don't know. 107 00:04:00,674 --> 00:04:02,443 Maybe it was because Liz was always more popular, 108 00:04:02,510 --> 00:04:04,144 or maybe because Judith was smarter. 109 00:04:04,211 --> 00:04:06,980 Or maybe-- and this is just a-a theory on my part-- 110 00:04:07,047 --> 00:04:09,583 it had something to do with the fact that 111 00:04:09,650 --> 00:04:11,619 Liz did my brother in the coat room 112 00:04:11,685 --> 00:04:14,154 at our wedding reception. 113 00:04:14,221 --> 00:04:16,724 Well, no secret why she was popular. 114 00:04:21,395 --> 00:04:23,831 At our wedding reception, Charlie. 115 00:04:23,897 --> 00:04:25,666 In the coat room. 116 00:04:25,733 --> 00:04:28,302 You were louder than the band. 117 00:04:30,203 --> 00:04:32,773 Boy, you make it sound so sleazy. 118 00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:34,007 I'm sorry. 119 00:04:34,074 --> 00:04:35,909 Class it up for me. 120 00:04:35,976 --> 00:04:37,945 Okay, to begin with, 121 00:04:38,011 --> 00:04:39,947 we were on a mink coat. 122 00:04:40,013 --> 00:04:41,281 Good-bye. 123 00:04:43,617 --> 00:04:45,753 And I was wearing a tuxedo. 124 00:04:46,754 --> 00:04:48,322 It's an eleven-year-old's 125 00:04:48,389 --> 00:04:49,623 birthday party. 126 00:04:49,690 --> 00:04:52,360 You could have at least put on a bra. 127 00:04:52,426 --> 00:04:54,795 Some of us don't need bras. 128 00:04:54,862 --> 00:04:58,466 Some of us have had husbands and children. 129 00:04:58,532 --> 00:05:01,301 Oh, I've had husbands. 130 00:05:01,369 --> 00:05:03,637 ( doorbell rings ) 131 00:05:03,704 --> 00:05:05,806 And please, would you behave yourself with Charlie? 132 00:05:05,873 --> 00:05:06,840 What do you mean? 133 00:05:06,907 --> 00:05:08,208 I mean, I don't want a repeat 134 00:05:08,275 --> 00:05:09,543 of what happened in the coat room 135 00:05:09,610 --> 00:05:10,778 at my wedding reception. 136 00:05:10,844 --> 00:05:12,212 Oh. 137 00:05:12,279 --> 00:05:14,382 That was Charlie? 138 00:05:16,550 --> 00:05:18,486 Hey, soul sisters. 139 00:05:18,552 --> 00:05:20,488 Come on in. 140 00:05:20,554 --> 00:05:22,590 Alan, you look fantastic. 141 00:05:22,656 --> 00:05:24,825 I guess single life really agrees with you. 142 00:05:24,892 --> 00:05:27,795 Oh, well, you know, uh, doing okay. 143 00:05:27,861 --> 00:05:28,829 Starting over. 144 00:05:28,896 --> 00:05:29,997 Landed on my feet. 145 00:05:30,063 --> 00:05:31,699 Like a cat. 146 00:05:33,934 --> 00:05:35,869 Oh, hi, sweetie. Hi. 147 00:05:35,936 --> 00:05:37,371 Hey, Aunt Liz! 148 00:05:37,438 --> 00:05:38,672 There's my favorite nephew! 149 00:05:38,739 --> 00:05:41,008 Happy Birthday, sweetie. 150 00:05:41,074 --> 00:05:42,943 It isn't clothes, is it? 151 00:05:43,010 --> 00:05:46,547 Oh, this is a surprise. 152 00:05:46,614 --> 00:05:47,748 Hello, Evelyn. 153 00:05:47,815 --> 00:05:49,450 It's not a surprise. I told her. 154 00:05:51,084 --> 00:05:52,686 You're looking very well. 155 00:05:52,753 --> 00:05:55,122 Slimming down nicely. 156 00:05:55,188 --> 00:05:56,356 Thanks. 157 00:05:56,424 --> 00:05:59,727 I recently dropped 160 pounds. 158 00:06:00,928 --> 00:06:03,831 152. 159 00:06:06,033 --> 00:06:07,868 I take Pilates. 160 00:06:11,439 --> 00:06:13,941 Hey, everybody. 161 00:06:14,007 --> 00:06:15,008 Hey, Uncle Charlie. 162 00:06:15,075 --> 00:06:16,009 Look what Aunt Liz got me. 163 00:06:16,076 --> 00:06:17,745 Awesome. 164 00:06:17,811 --> 00:06:19,279 I don't suppose you thought 165 00:06:19,346 --> 00:06:21,048 to buy him a safety helmet. 166 00:06:21,114 --> 00:06:22,450 Hey, you ride with Aunt Liz, 167 00:06:22,516 --> 00:06:24,552 you take your chances, right, Liz? 168 00:06:28,922 --> 00:06:29,890 This guy? 169 00:06:29,957 --> 00:06:31,425 Are you sure? 170 00:06:35,929 --> 00:06:36,764 Alan? 171 00:06:36,830 --> 00:06:37,931 Yeah, Mom. 172 00:06:37,998 --> 00:06:40,200 Now that we've seen the dove disappear 173 00:06:40,267 --> 00:06:41,702 up the greasy man's sleeve, 174 00:06:41,769 --> 00:06:43,871 how about we stop for a little drinkie-poo? 175 00:06:43,937 --> 00:06:46,306 Mom, it-it's still Jake's birthday. 176 00:06:46,373 --> 00:06:48,041 We're going home for cake. 177 00:06:48,108 --> 00:06:49,543 Okay. 178 00:06:49,610 --> 00:06:52,813 But first, a drinkie-poo! 179 00:06:52,880 --> 00:06:54,414 Don't you think you had enough to drink 180 00:06:54,482 --> 00:06:55,516 at the magic show, Evelyn? 181 00:06:55,583 --> 00:06:56,717 Excuse me, darling, 182 00:06:56,784 --> 00:06:58,719 but some of us deal with our boredom 183 00:06:58,786 --> 00:07:00,554 and depression the old-fashioned, 184 00:07:00,621 --> 00:07:02,055 non-prescription way. 185 00:07:03,691 --> 00:07:04,892 That's telling her, Evelyn. 186 00:07:04,958 --> 00:07:06,293 Oh, now, see? 187 00:07:06,359 --> 00:07:07,495 This one gets me. 188 00:07:07,561 --> 00:07:09,597 Alan, you married the wrong sister. 189 00:07:09,663 --> 00:07:12,399 Mom, why don't you lie down back there, 190 00:07:12,466 --> 00:07:13,967 take a little nap? 191 00:07:14,034 --> 00:07:16,003 Okeydokey. 192 00:07:20,708 --> 00:07:22,776 How can you not remember the coat room? 193 00:07:22,843 --> 00:07:24,778 I remember the coat room. 194 00:07:24,845 --> 00:07:26,780 I just don't remember you. 195 00:07:26,847 --> 00:07:28,782 How can you not remember me? 196 00:07:28,849 --> 00:07:31,451 Do you remember everyone you've had sex with? 197 00:07:31,519 --> 00:07:33,687 Of course not, but, come on. 198 00:07:33,754 --> 00:07:35,756 We're practically family. 199 00:07:35,823 --> 00:07:38,058 Okay, Dad, see this ring? 200 00:07:38,125 --> 00:07:39,593 Uh-huh. 201 00:07:39,660 --> 00:07:42,429 It's made of one unbroken piece of stainless steel. 202 00:07:42,496 --> 00:07:43,697 I-I I can see that. 203 00:07:43,764 --> 00:07:46,634 And this one is just the same, I swear. 204 00:07:46,700 --> 00:07:48,536 I-I believe you. 205 00:07:48,602 --> 00:07:49,903 Now watch. 206 00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:51,572 One, two, three. 207 00:07:53,140 --> 00:07:55,175 Hold on. 208 00:07:55,242 --> 00:07:57,945 One, two, three. 209 00:07:58,011 --> 00:08:00,981 Hmm, ironic. 210 00:08:02,249 --> 00:08:04,017 Wait, don't look. 211 00:08:04,084 --> 00:08:07,354 Alan, how are those magic fingers of yours? 212 00:08:07,420 --> 00:08:08,789 I'm sorry? 213 00:08:08,856 --> 00:08:10,658 I just have this kink in my back, 214 00:08:10,724 --> 00:08:12,593 and I was hoping you could give me one 215 00:08:12,660 --> 00:08:15,028 of your fantastic adjustments when we get home. 216 00:08:15,095 --> 00:08:17,164 Oh. Uh, uh... 217 00:08:17,230 --> 00:08:18,866 Sure, I suppose. 218 00:08:18,932 --> 00:08:19,967 Thank you. 219 00:08:20,033 --> 00:08:21,669 I can't wait. 220 00:08:21,735 --> 00:08:23,203 Wait a minute. 221 00:08:23,270 --> 00:08:25,739 His magic fingers you remember? 222 00:08:25,806 --> 00:08:27,875 Ta-da! 223 00:08:32,112 --> 00:08:33,113 This is really weird. 224 00:08:33,180 --> 00:08:36,584 Yeah. How could she not remember me? 225 00:08:36,650 --> 00:08:39,653 What are you talking about? 226 00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:40,821 What are you talking about? 227 00:08:40,888 --> 00:08:42,556 Judith's sister's hitting on me. 228 00:08:42,623 --> 00:08:43,924 She's not hitting on you. 229 00:08:43,991 --> 00:08:46,426 She's hitting on her sister's ex-husband. 230 00:08:46,493 --> 00:08:48,662 But that's me. 231 00:08:48,729 --> 00:08:50,731 Stop taking it personally. 232 00:08:50,798 --> 00:08:52,499 You said it yourself-- they've been going 233 00:08:52,566 --> 00:08:53,500 at each other for years. 234 00:08:53,567 --> 00:08:54,501 Now, let's examine 235 00:08:54,568 --> 00:08:56,036 the current situation. 236 00:08:56,103 --> 00:08:58,238 Nothing Liz does with me is going 237 00:08:58,305 --> 00:08:59,673 to make Judith any madder. 238 00:08:59,740 --> 00:09:01,775 I've already flown my mission. 239 00:09:04,477 --> 00:09:07,314 The only play she has left is to sleep with you. 240 00:09:07,380 --> 00:09:09,316 Oh. Oh, well, that's not going to happen. 241 00:09:09,382 --> 00:09:12,552 Well, certainly not with that attitude. 242 00:09:14,287 --> 00:09:17,390 Now, come on, you can't say you've never thought about it. 243 00:09:17,457 --> 00:09:18,926 Liz? No. 244 00:09:18,992 --> 00:09:20,227 Alan, 245 00:09:20,293 --> 00:09:22,229 look me in the eye. 246 00:09:22,295 --> 00:09:25,198 Okay, I'm-I'm looking. 247 00:09:25,265 --> 00:09:28,068 Tell me you've never thought about being with Liz. 248 00:09:28,135 --> 00:09:31,672 You know, you have very curly eyelashes. 249 00:09:31,739 --> 00:09:34,374 Answer the question. 250 00:09:34,441 --> 00:09:35,508 Oh, come on, Charlie. 251 00:09:35,575 --> 00:09:36,910 It's my ex-wife's sister. 252 00:09:36,977 --> 00:09:38,011 Exactly. 253 00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:39,647 Sisters are like the Holy Grail 254 00:09:39,713 --> 00:09:41,314 of recreational sex. 255 00:09:42,883 --> 00:09:44,652 Well, technically, it would be twins, 256 00:09:44,718 --> 00:09:46,286 but that's such a biological oddity, 257 00:09:46,353 --> 00:09:47,755 it's hardly worth pursuing. 258 00:09:49,389 --> 00:09:50,490 Hey, Dad, pick a card. 259 00:09:50,557 --> 00:09:52,359 Okay. 260 00:09:53,460 --> 00:09:55,028 Seven of diamonds. 261 00:09:55,095 --> 00:09:56,063 No. 262 00:09:57,164 --> 00:09:59,332 Eight of spades. 263 00:09:59,399 --> 00:10:00,567 No. 264 00:10:00,634 --> 00:10:02,936 Ace of clubs. 265 00:10:03,003 --> 00:10:04,271 No. 266 00:10:04,337 --> 00:10:07,808 Is it black or red? 267 00:10:10,644 --> 00:10:11,979 Mm. 268 00:10:12,045 --> 00:10:14,447 We'll just have the cake and then we'll go. 269 00:10:14,514 --> 00:10:15,983 You can go if you want. 270 00:10:16,049 --> 00:10:19,186 I'll have Alan drive me home after he adjusts me. 271 00:10:19,252 --> 00:10:20,654 Why are you doing this? 272 00:10:20,721 --> 00:10:21,655 Doing what? 273 00:10:21,722 --> 00:10:22,890 Alan. 274 00:10:22,956 --> 00:10:24,892 You want him back, don't you? 275 00:10:24,958 --> 00:10:26,694 No, I don't want him back. 276 00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:29,262 Then why do you care what I do with him? 277 00:10:29,329 --> 00:10:32,700 Look, if you're determined to do something stupid today, 278 00:10:32,766 --> 00:10:34,835 I'd actually prefer you do Charlie. 279 00:10:34,902 --> 00:10:36,169 So would Charlie, 280 00:10:36,236 --> 00:10:38,739 but we can't always get what we want. 281 00:10:39,973 --> 00:10:42,810 Wow, that's, uh, that's a lot of candles. 282 00:10:42,876 --> 00:10:44,712 He's still 11, right? 283 00:10:44,778 --> 00:10:46,413 You want to deal with the candles, Alan? 284 00:10:46,479 --> 00:10:47,180 Is that what you want? 285 00:10:47,247 --> 00:10:48,448 No, I'm fine. 286 00:10:48,515 --> 00:10:51,051 So, Alan, when do you think you'll be ready for me? 287 00:10:51,118 --> 00:10:54,221 Oh, uh, uh, maybe after the cake. 288 00:10:54,287 --> 00:10:55,222 Okay. 289 00:10:55,288 --> 00:10:57,791 You just say the word and we'll do it. 290 00:10:59,727 --> 00:11:01,661 In high school the word was "hello." 291 00:11:01,729 --> 00:11:03,363 Hmm? 292 00:11:03,430 --> 00:11:05,532 Oh, don't pretend you don't know what she's doing. 293 00:11:05,598 --> 00:11:06,633 Her back hurts, Judith. 294 00:11:06,700 --> 00:11:07,968 She wants an adjustment. 295 00:11:08,035 --> 00:11:09,569 Oh, she doesn't want an adjustment. 296 00:11:09,636 --> 00:11:12,472 And why do you think her back hurts in the first place? 297 00:11:12,539 --> 00:11:14,107 So, she does need an adjustment. 298 00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:15,843 Alan, I forbid you to have anything to do with my sister. 299 00:11:15,909 --> 00:11:16,844 Oh, really? You forbid me? 300 00:11:16,910 --> 00:11:18,445 Well, I've got news for you. 301 00:11:18,511 --> 00:11:20,914 We're not married anymore-- you don't get to forbid me. 302 00:11:20,981 --> 00:11:22,716 I'm warning you. Oh, what, what, warning now? 303 00:11:22,783 --> 00:11:23,583 What happened to forbidding? 304 00:11:23,650 --> 00:11:25,152 Okay, just listen to me. 305 00:11:25,218 --> 00:11:27,354 If you so much as lay one magic little finger on Liz, 306 00:11:27,420 --> 00:11:29,356 you and I are going to have a very big problem. 307 00:11:29,422 --> 00:11:31,458 What are you going to do, Judith, divorce me? 308 00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:32,760 Marry me again and then divorce me? 309 00:11:32,826 --> 00:11:34,361 Hey, want to see a trick? 310 00:11:34,427 --> 00:11:35,362 Oh, sure, sure. 311 00:11:35,428 --> 00:11:36,629 Yeah, sure, honey. 312 00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:39,532 "Good evening, sir or madame. 313 00:11:39,599 --> 00:11:42,903 Have we ever met before?" 314 00:11:42,970 --> 00:11:46,874 So, Liz, the wedding reception, 315 00:11:46,940 --> 00:11:48,876 the coatroom... 316 00:11:48,942 --> 00:11:50,911 Did I ever say thank you? 317 00:11:50,978 --> 00:11:54,714 I don't really remember, Charlie. 318 00:11:54,782 --> 00:11:59,186 Well, let me just say, long overdue then. 319 00:11:59,252 --> 00:12:00,788 Thank you. 320 00:12:01,688 --> 00:12:03,824 Okay. 321 00:12:03,891 --> 00:12:06,026 And not just for the one time. 322 00:12:06,093 --> 00:12:08,361 Over the years, I've actually used 323 00:12:08,428 --> 00:12:10,931 the mental picture of that night 324 00:12:10,998 --> 00:12:13,000 as lighter fluid when I'm... 325 00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:15,568 ( clears throat ) 326 00:12:15,635 --> 00:12:18,405 ...you know, barbecuing alone. 327 00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:23,811 Oh come on, that's a compliment. 328 00:12:26,546 --> 00:12:28,348 Hey, Grandma. 329 00:12:28,415 --> 00:12:30,984 What?! 330 00:12:31,051 --> 00:12:33,821 Now, madame, keep your eye on the magic ball. 331 00:12:33,887 --> 00:12:35,522 Watch closely. 332 00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:37,090 No... wait. 333 00:12:37,157 --> 00:12:39,192 Okay, now I'll take the magic ball 334 00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:42,095 from my left hand and put it into my right. 335 00:12:42,695 --> 00:12:44,164 See? 336 00:12:44,231 --> 00:12:47,367 Now I'll throw the magic ball back into the cup. 337 00:12:47,434 --> 00:12:48,601 Whoosh! 338 00:12:48,668 --> 00:12:50,103 Do you think it's under the cup? 339 00:12:50,170 --> 00:12:53,373 Do I think what's under the cup? 340 00:12:53,440 --> 00:12:54,607 The magic ball. 341 00:12:54,674 --> 00:12:57,911 Very good, dear. 342 00:13:00,013 --> 00:13:01,949 * Happy birthday to you 343 00:13:02,015 --> 00:13:04,717 * Happy birthday to you 344 00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:08,155 * Happy birthday, dear Jake 345 00:13:08,221 --> 00:13:11,291 * Happy birthday to you. 346 00:13:11,358 --> 00:13:15,328 Good Lord, how long have I been asleep? 347 00:13:15,395 --> 00:13:16,363 Make a wish, buddy. 348 00:13:19,466 --> 00:13:21,568 ( all clapping ) 349 00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:23,570 I've already made my wish. 350 00:13:23,636 --> 00:13:24,604 Don't you dare. 351 00:13:24,671 --> 00:13:26,006 Oh, now we're daring. 352 00:13:26,073 --> 00:13:28,308 Warning, forbidding and daring. 353 00:13:28,375 --> 00:13:29,676 I want to talk to you. 354 00:13:29,742 --> 00:13:30,978 Are you hearing this? 355 00:13:31,044 --> 00:13:32,412 I'm trying. 356 00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:35,748 What is your problem? 357 00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:36,950 You are my problem. 358 00:13:37,017 --> 00:13:38,551 Why are they fighting? 359 00:13:38,618 --> 00:13:40,253 Oh, they're not fighting, they're discussing. 360 00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:41,922 I'm a child of divorce, Dad. 361 00:13:41,989 --> 00:13:43,290 I know the difference. 362 00:13:43,356 --> 00:13:45,893 You're a selfish, hateful person. 363 00:13:45,959 --> 00:13:47,094 Maybe you should go to your room. 364 00:13:47,160 --> 00:13:48,628 It's my birthday. 365 00:13:48,695 --> 00:13:50,463 Ironic, huh? 366 00:13:50,530 --> 00:13:52,966 Hi, everybody. 367 00:13:54,434 --> 00:13:55,402 Sorry I'm late. 368 00:13:55,468 --> 00:13:57,070 Actually, Rose, you're right on time. 369 00:13:57,137 --> 00:13:58,705 Here's 50 bucks. Take Jake to the arcade 370 00:13:58,771 --> 00:14:01,174 and don't come back till you're out of quarters. 371 00:14:01,241 --> 00:14:01,975 Okay. 372 00:14:02,042 --> 00:14:03,343 Come on, Jake. 373 00:14:03,410 --> 00:14:04,011 Cool. 374 00:14:04,077 --> 00:14:05,278 So, how was the wedding? 375 00:14:05,345 --> 00:14:07,814 ( groans ): It was a circus. 376 00:14:07,881 --> 00:14:08,748 Bye, honey. 377 00:14:08,815 --> 00:14:10,217 Have fun. 378 00:14:10,283 --> 00:14:12,619 You were always a cheap slut and you haven't changed. 379 00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:13,887 Oh, I was the slut? 380 00:14:13,954 --> 00:14:16,489 Miss "Technically I'm still a virgin." 381 00:14:16,556 --> 00:14:17,490 Girls, girls. 382 00:14:17,557 --> 00:14:18,625 That's no way to talk. 383 00:14:24,597 --> 00:14:27,200 Ever since we were kids anytime I loved something, 384 00:14:27,267 --> 00:14:28,801 you had to take it away from me. 385 00:14:28,868 --> 00:14:30,570 But you will not take away my ex-husband. 386 00:14:30,637 --> 00:14:32,005 You love me? 387 00:14:32,072 --> 00:14:34,241 What? No, I'm trying to make a point here. 388 00:14:35,142 --> 00:14:36,376 Judith, if I wanted Alan, 389 00:14:36,443 --> 00:14:38,311 I could've had him a long time ago. 390 00:14:38,378 --> 00:14:39,746 What the hell does that mean? 391 00:14:39,812 --> 00:14:41,014 You never told her? 392 00:14:41,081 --> 00:14:42,682 Told me what? 393 00:14:42,749 --> 00:14:46,419 Oh, well, I mean, it's no big deal really. 394 00:14:46,486 --> 00:14:52,625 Um, it's just that, uh, before I asked you out, um, 395 00:14:52,692 --> 00:14:55,495 I asked, uh, uh, Liz out. 396 00:14:57,330 --> 00:14:58,598 ( gasps ) 397 00:14:58,665 --> 00:15:01,134 You lied to me? 398 00:15:01,201 --> 00:15:02,435 If I had said yes, 399 00:15:02,502 --> 00:15:04,771 you never would've dated him. 400 00:15:04,837 --> 00:15:07,274 So, I was your second choice? 401 00:15:07,340 --> 00:15:08,908 No, no, no. 402 00:15:08,976 --> 00:15:12,412 Um, chronologically, yes, 403 00:15:12,479 --> 00:15:15,282 but in my heart, you were always first. 404 00:15:15,348 --> 00:15:17,985 But in reality, you were second. 405 00:15:19,086 --> 00:15:20,287 And you never told me this? 406 00:15:20,353 --> 00:15:23,556 Well, you can kinda see why. 407 00:15:24,857 --> 00:15:26,926 You know, this wouldn't have happened 408 00:15:26,994 --> 00:15:30,430 if you were twins. 409 00:15:30,497 --> 00:15:32,232 Okay, fine. 410 00:15:32,299 --> 00:15:34,667 You always wanted Liz, go ahead. 411 00:15:34,734 --> 00:15:35,735 Here's your chance. 412 00:15:35,802 --> 00:15:37,437 Give her your little adjustment. 413 00:15:37,504 --> 00:15:39,472 And maybe while you're having a good time with my sister, 414 00:15:39,539 --> 00:15:41,308 I'll have a good time with your brother. 415 00:15:43,410 --> 00:15:44,978 Beg pardon? 416 00:15:45,045 --> 00:15:46,579 Oh, don't be coy with me, Charlie. 417 00:15:46,646 --> 00:15:48,815 You know we've always had sexual tension between us. 418 00:15:48,881 --> 00:15:50,250 Really? 419 00:15:50,317 --> 00:15:52,419 I thought it was just regular tension. 420 00:15:52,485 --> 00:15:53,386 Oh, come on. 421 00:15:53,453 --> 00:15:55,022 I've seen you looking at my chest. 422 00:15:55,088 --> 00:15:56,990 You looked at my wife's chest? 423 00:15:57,057 --> 00:15:58,458 Hey, I'm a guy. 424 00:15:58,525 --> 00:16:02,029 I will rock his world, Alan, I swear. 425 00:16:02,095 --> 00:16:03,130 You're bluffing. 426 00:16:03,196 --> 00:16:04,231 Oh, am I? Watch me. 427 00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:05,432 Come on, Charlie. 428 00:16:05,498 --> 00:16:06,233 Come on. Alan! 429 00:16:06,299 --> 00:16:07,634 She's bluffing, Charlie. 430 00:16:07,700 --> 00:16:08,501 Are you sure? 431 00:16:08,568 --> 00:16:10,003 Trust me, she hates you. 432 00:16:10,070 --> 00:16:12,472 Trust me, that doesn't always stop 'em. 433 00:16:12,539 --> 00:16:14,907 Come on, Alan, I'll show you where it hurts. 434 00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:17,344 Um, uh, clear something up for me. 435 00:16:17,410 --> 00:16:19,012 Uh, "chiropractic adjustment," 436 00:16:19,079 --> 00:16:21,081 that's just a euphemism, right? Right. 437 00:16:21,148 --> 00:16:23,416 So, we're really going to do this? Uh-huh. 438 00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:25,418 Wow, I thought we were bluffing. 439 00:16:37,664 --> 00:16:38,565 Okay, we were bluffing. 440 00:16:38,631 --> 00:16:40,433 Us, too. 441 00:16:43,970 --> 00:16:48,641 ( piano playing lively tune ) 442 00:17:02,155 --> 00:17:03,723 ( playing lively tune ) 443 00:17:17,137 --> 00:17:19,272 ( applause ) 444 00:17:45,432 --> 00:17:47,734 ( applause, whooping ) 445 00:17:51,438 --> 00:17:55,142 My God, that clown has no legs! 446 00:18:01,114 --> 00:18:03,283 Okay, you see the coin? 447 00:18:03,350 --> 00:18:06,819 You're supposed to say, "Have we ever met before?" 448 00:18:08,155 --> 00:18:09,088 Just watch the trick, okay? 449 00:18:09,156 --> 00:18:12,692 We'll work on the patter later. 450 00:18:12,759 --> 00:18:13,560 You see the coin? 451 00:18:13,626 --> 00:18:14,561 Mm-hmm. 452 00:18:14,627 --> 00:18:17,397 Now, I grab it with this hand 453 00:18:17,464 --> 00:18:19,566 and I blow... ( blows ) 454 00:18:19,632 --> 00:18:21,734 and it's gone. 455 00:18:21,801 --> 00:18:23,336 Where do you think it is? 456 00:18:24,304 --> 00:18:26,773 It's right here. 457 00:18:36,149 --> 00:18:39,118 How the hell did you do that? 458 00:18:39,186 --> 00:18:40,553 Ironic, huh?