1 00:00:02,636 --> 00:00:03,837 Hey, there he is! 2 00:00:03,904 --> 00:00:05,606 High five. Down low. 3 00:00:05,673 --> 00:00:07,041 Too slow. 4 00:00:07,108 --> 00:00:08,809 Come here, clown. 5 00:00:08,876 --> 00:00:11,379 Upside down. 6 00:00:11,445 --> 00:00:13,514 ( woman clears throat ) 7 00:00:13,581 --> 00:00:14,315 Hello, Charlie. 8 00:00:14,382 --> 00:00:15,949 Judith, how's it going? 9 00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:18,619 Hey, Uncle Charlie, show Mom how I mop the floor with my hair. 10 00:00:19,953 --> 00:00:21,655 Well, it's not really mopping. 11 00:00:21,722 --> 00:00:23,357 It's more like dusting. 12 00:00:23,424 --> 00:00:24,892 And what if you drop him on his head? 13 00:00:24,958 --> 00:00:27,027 Then I guess I will have to mop. 14 00:00:27,095 --> 00:00:29,063 Wonderful. Where's Alan? 15 00:00:29,130 --> 00:00:31,865 He's in the kitchen. 16 00:00:31,932 --> 00:00:35,136 Walk this way. 17 00:00:38,572 --> 00:00:41,975 Master... 18 00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:45,813 your sexually ambivalent ex-wife is here. 19 00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:48,849 I'm not ambivalent; I'm exploring. 20 00:00:48,916 --> 00:00:50,784 Yes, mistress. 21 00:00:52,186 --> 00:00:53,587 Thanks for bringing Jake over. 22 00:00:53,654 --> 00:00:56,690 Well, I wanted to give you this anyway. 23 00:00:56,757 --> 00:00:57,925 What is it? 24 00:00:57,991 --> 00:00:59,293 It's the bill from my divorce lawyer. 25 00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:00,861 You haven't been paying them. 26 00:01:00,928 --> 00:01:02,596 Told you they'd notice. 27 00:01:02,663 --> 00:01:05,899 I also need you to look this over and sign it. 28 00:01:05,966 --> 00:01:08,068 And what is this? 29 00:01:08,136 --> 00:01:09,470 My lawyer recommended I take out 30 00:01:09,537 --> 00:01:11,572 a bigger life insurance policy on you, 31 00:01:11,639 --> 00:01:13,307 you know, in case you should die 32 00:01:13,374 --> 00:01:15,309 and can't pay the alimony and legal fees. 33 00:01:16,377 --> 00:01:17,811 Why don't you have him frozen? 34 00:01:17,878 --> 00:01:20,214 Then you can use him to keep your drinks cold, too. 35 00:01:21,449 --> 00:01:23,484 And who's supposed to pay for this policy? 36 00:01:23,551 --> 00:01:25,819 You are, and please, try to be on time with the premiums. 37 00:01:27,288 --> 00:01:28,589 Boy, my shallow, empty lifestyle's 38 00:01:28,656 --> 00:01:31,725 looking pretty good right about now. 39 00:01:31,792 --> 00:01:33,594 Okay, well, as long as we're on the subject 40 00:01:33,661 --> 00:01:36,597 of lawyers and death, my lawyer recommended 41 00:01:36,664 --> 00:01:39,467 that I redraft my will, and you know what? 42 00:01:39,533 --> 00:01:42,970 If I die after you die, guess who gets custody of Jake? 43 00:01:43,036 --> 00:01:44,938 Charlie. 44 00:01:45,005 --> 00:01:46,807 Charlie?! 45 00:01:46,874 --> 00:01:47,808 Me? 46 00:01:47,875 --> 00:01:48,809 What about my sister? 47 00:01:48,876 --> 00:01:51,279 I never liked your sister. 48 00:01:51,345 --> 00:01:53,147 Is this the sister I slept with? 49 00:01:53,214 --> 00:01:54,548 Shut up, Charlie. Shut up, Charlie. 50 00:01:55,449 --> 00:01:56,584 Alan, you can't be serious. 51 00:01:56,650 --> 00:01:59,119 He's immature. He drinks too much. 52 00:01:59,187 --> 00:02:01,289 He sleeps around. He's completely irresponsible. 53 00:02:01,355 --> 00:02:04,492 Yeah, well, you should've thought of that before you threw me out. 54 00:02:05,826 --> 00:02:06,994 Yeah. 55 00:02:07,060 --> 00:02:08,596 All right, Alan, you're obviously angry 56 00:02:08,662 --> 00:02:10,130 and trying to get even with me, 57 00:02:10,198 --> 00:02:11,865 but I am not going to take the bait. 58 00:02:11,932 --> 00:02:13,734 I will see you on Sunday. 59 00:02:13,801 --> 00:02:14,902 Buh-bye. 60 00:02:17,938 --> 00:02:19,873 Hey, man, thanks. 61 00:02:19,940 --> 00:02:20,841 For what? 62 00:02:20,908 --> 00:02:21,975 For trusting me, you know, 63 00:02:22,042 --> 00:02:25,045 to take care of Jake when you croak. 64 00:02:25,112 --> 00:02:26,614 Oh, oh, I'm sorry. 65 00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:28,682 Y-You didn't think I was serious, did you? 66 00:02:29,750 --> 00:02:31,585 Uh, I just said that to piss her off. 67 00:02:31,652 --> 00:02:33,887 Oh, right. 68 00:02:33,954 --> 00:02:35,789 Good one. 69 00:02:35,856 --> 00:02:38,759 Hey. 70 00:02:38,826 --> 00:02:41,795 * Men, men, men, men, manly men * 71 00:02:41,862 --> 00:02:44,632 * Men... * 72 00:02:47,801 --> 00:02:49,503 That's not fair. 73 00:02:49,570 --> 00:02:53,641 Why don't I get to keep the kid when you're dead? 74 00:02:53,707 --> 00:02:57,177 If I'm dead... and-and Judith would have to die before me 75 00:02:57,245 --> 00:02:58,446 for it to even be an issue. 76 00:02:58,512 --> 00:02:59,713 It-it-it's a contingency plan 77 00:02:59,780 --> 00:03:01,915 for a hypothetical worst case scenario. 78 00:03:01,982 --> 00:03:03,351 I know it's a long shot, 79 00:03:03,417 --> 00:03:05,118 but I had the Marlins in the World Series. 80 00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:06,820 Don't tell me they don't come in. 81 00:03:06,887 --> 00:03:08,356 It never occurred to me 82 00:03:08,422 --> 00:03:10,057 that you'd even want to be a full-time parent. 83 00:03:10,123 --> 00:03:12,593 This isn't about what I want; this is about what you want, 84 00:03:12,660 --> 00:03:14,495 and you don't want me to have Jake. 85 00:03:14,562 --> 00:03:15,128 What? 86 00:03:15,195 --> 00:03:16,264 Nothing. Nothing. 87 00:03:16,330 --> 00:03:17,631 Why'd you say my name? 88 00:03:17,698 --> 00:03:20,968 Get over yourself. No one said your name. 89 00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:22,403 So, what's wrong with me? 90 00:03:22,470 --> 00:03:23,937 Charlie, you're a great uncle. 91 00:03:24,004 --> 00:03:26,240 You're there for all the fun stuff, but I just... 92 00:03:26,307 --> 00:03:27,941 I don't think you're up to the hard work 93 00:03:28,008 --> 00:03:30,278 of being a full-time parent to Jake. What? 94 00:03:30,344 --> 00:03:32,313 Nothing. Nothing. 95 00:03:37,951 --> 00:03:40,954 So, if not me, then who are you giving him to? 96 00:03:41,021 --> 00:03:42,290 I'm not giving him to anybody. 97 00:03:42,356 --> 00:03:44,458 He's not a five-pound ham. 98 00:03:44,525 --> 00:03:46,159 You know what I mean. 99 00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:48,262 Who gets him in that scenario thing? 100 00:03:48,329 --> 00:03:50,364 Cousin Jerry and his wife Faye. 101 00:03:50,431 --> 00:03:52,800 Jerry and Faye? Why Jerry and Faye? 102 00:03:52,866 --> 00:03:54,468 Well, they-they've got a good marriage, 103 00:03:54,535 --> 00:03:56,970 three kids, lots of dogs, a big backyard, 104 00:03:57,037 --> 00:03:58,906 and they live in a great school district. 105 00:03:58,972 --> 00:04:01,642 Yeah, but I'm your brother. 106 00:04:01,709 --> 00:04:03,511 Charlie, it's not... And I live 107 00:04:03,577 --> 00:04:05,979 right here-- you wouldn't have to ship him off to... 108 00:04:06,046 --> 00:04:08,849 Cornhole, Kansas. 109 00:04:08,916 --> 00:04:11,285 Coventry, Rhode Island. 110 00:04:11,352 --> 00:04:14,154 Who am I thinking of that lives in Kansas? 111 00:04:14,221 --> 00:04:16,824 I don't know. Dorothy and Toto? 112 00:04:18,892 --> 00:04:21,662 All right, Alan, let me ask you something. 113 00:04:21,729 --> 00:04:22,663 If I'm here, 114 00:04:22,730 --> 00:04:24,465 and Jake's in Rhode Island, 115 00:04:24,532 --> 00:04:27,000 who's going to teach him all the things he needs to know? 116 00:04:27,067 --> 00:04:29,236 Jerry and Faye are both college professors. 117 00:04:29,303 --> 00:04:32,272 I'm talking about the important stuff about life. 118 00:04:32,340 --> 00:04:34,808 Face it, when the time comes, are those two eggheads 119 00:04:34,875 --> 00:04:37,678 going to step up and get your kid laid? 120 00:04:39,179 --> 00:04:41,915 You're not helping your case, Charlie. 121 00:04:43,250 --> 00:04:44,818 Fine, you've made your decision. 122 00:04:44,885 --> 00:04:48,756 Despite all I've been through with your son, my nephew, 123 00:04:48,822 --> 00:04:50,491 obviously, I have no say in the matter. 124 00:04:50,558 --> 00:04:51,459 Oh, where are you going? 125 00:04:51,525 --> 00:04:52,926 Well, Alan, quite frankly, 126 00:04:52,993 --> 00:04:55,028 I'm a little hurt and a little disappointed, 127 00:04:55,095 --> 00:04:57,264 so I'm going to go make myself a big glass of vodka 128 00:04:57,331 --> 00:04:58,832 and sit and think about things. 129 00:04:59,933 --> 00:05:02,403 Charlie, Charlie, wait. 130 00:05:02,470 --> 00:05:04,171 Okay, how 'bout this? 131 00:05:04,237 --> 00:05:06,306 If Judith dies, and then I die, 132 00:05:06,374 --> 00:05:07,475 and then Jerry and Faye die, 133 00:05:07,541 --> 00:05:09,410 Jake will come live with you. 134 00:05:09,477 --> 00:05:13,714 Yeah, like I'm going to outlive Jerry and Faye the way I drink. 135 00:05:16,684 --> 00:05:19,152 What do you say to Grandma? 136 00:05:19,219 --> 00:05:20,821 Can I at least open it first? 137 00:05:20,888 --> 00:05:21,955 Jake... 138 00:05:22,022 --> 00:05:23,156 No, he's right. 139 00:05:23,223 --> 00:05:25,325 Wait and see if he likes it. 140 00:05:29,196 --> 00:05:31,399 Now you can thank me. 141 00:05:32,299 --> 00:05:34,101 Thank you. 142 00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:36,269 Oh, I'm kidding. 143 00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:40,441 No little boy wants a framed picture of his grandmommy. 144 00:05:40,508 --> 00:05:43,076 This is for your daddy. 145 00:05:44,311 --> 00:05:46,113 What do you say, Dad? 146 00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:48,015 Don't push me, Jake. 147 00:05:48,081 --> 00:05:50,083 That's my new photo for the Sunday Real Estate section. 148 00:05:50,150 --> 00:05:51,284 I thought maybe you'd like 149 00:05:51,351 --> 00:05:52,686 a color print of it for your office. 150 00:05:52,753 --> 00:05:53,921 Gee, Mom, we've already got 151 00:05:53,987 --> 00:05:57,024 the one of you swimming with dolphins. 152 00:05:57,090 --> 00:06:04,498 So you didn't bring me anything? 153 00:06:04,565 --> 00:06:08,035 Of course I brought you something. 154 00:06:08,101 --> 00:06:10,003 There. 155 00:06:12,105 --> 00:06:15,242 Crayons? I'm ten. 156 00:06:15,308 --> 00:06:17,911 Well, it's not just crayons, sweetheart. 157 00:06:17,978 --> 00:06:22,149 It's also a dinosaur coloring book. 158 00:06:22,215 --> 00:06:24,618 But I'm ten. 159 00:06:25,686 --> 00:06:27,421 You want to trade? 160 00:06:28,188 --> 00:06:29,957 No, I'm good. 161 00:06:31,358 --> 00:06:33,293 So... 162 00:06:33,360 --> 00:06:34,462 where's your brother? 163 00:06:34,528 --> 00:06:36,964 Why, what'd he get? 164 00:06:37,030 --> 00:06:40,133 Nothing. I just want to make sure he knows why. 165 00:06:41,101 --> 00:06:42,169 He's in his room. 166 00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:43,671 He's been sulking all weekend. 167 00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:46,206 Sulking? About what? 168 00:06:46,273 --> 00:06:47,340 Well, it's the silliest thing. 169 00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:48,742 I-I-I just happened to mention 170 00:06:48,809 --> 00:06:50,077 that in the unlikely event 171 00:06:50,143 --> 00:06:52,446 that Judith should die and I should die, 172 00:06:52,513 --> 00:06:53,914 then custody of Jake would go to... 173 00:07:00,353 --> 00:07:03,557 Custody of Jake would go to who? 174 00:07:03,624 --> 00:07:07,060 Uh, actually, it would be "whom." 175 00:07:07,127 --> 00:07:10,030 Alan, who gets Jake? 176 00:07:10,097 --> 00:07:12,399 Now, see, that's grammatically correct. 177 00:07:12,466 --> 00:07:14,067 Alan... 178 00:07:14,134 --> 00:07:15,669 Jerry and Faye. 179 00:07:15,736 --> 00:07:18,205 Jerry and Faye who? 180 00:07:18,271 --> 00:07:21,208 Your sister's son and his wife. 181 00:07:22,309 --> 00:07:23,944 Them?! 182 00:07:24,011 --> 00:07:26,780 You would bypass your own mother 183 00:07:26,847 --> 00:07:31,151 in favor of two potato farmers on Long Island? 184 00:07:31,218 --> 00:07:34,321 They're agriculture professors in Rhode Island. 185 00:07:34,387 --> 00:07:38,859 Really? Who am I thinking of who lives on Long Island? 186 00:07:38,926 --> 00:07:41,128 I have no idea. 187 00:07:41,194 --> 00:07:44,798 Well, regardless, I am deeply insulted. 188 00:07:44,865 --> 00:07:47,968 Oh, come on, Mom, this is only if Judith and I both die, 189 00:07:48,035 --> 00:07:50,303 and we're not dying, at least, not before you. 190 00:07:50,370 --> 00:07:51,905 Oh. 191 00:07:51,972 --> 00:07:53,406 Now you're wishing me dead. 192 00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:55,175 No, no, Mom, no, it... 193 00:07:55,242 --> 00:07:57,978 Give me back my picture. 194 00:08:04,184 --> 00:08:05,919 No... 195 00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:10,190 Better you should look at it and feel shame. 196 00:08:21,535 --> 00:08:24,237 Hey, want to play one on one? 197 00:08:24,304 --> 00:08:25,372 Sure. 198 00:08:25,438 --> 00:08:27,507 Take it out. 199 00:08:32,312 --> 00:08:33,747 One-nothin'. 200 00:08:36,984 --> 00:08:38,919 You know that Rhode Island isn't really an island? 201 00:08:38,986 --> 00:08:41,889 That's just a flat-out lie. 202 00:08:47,661 --> 00:08:49,563 Two-nothin'. 203 00:08:49,630 --> 00:08:52,232 Hey, uh, I've got to run some errands, so I'll be back in about an hour. 204 00:08:52,299 --> 00:08:53,233 You guys going to be okay? 205 00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:54,602 Gee, Alan, you sure I can handle 206 00:08:54,668 --> 00:08:55,969 the responsibility? 207 00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:58,939 What if he wants to go to college or something? 208 00:08:59,006 --> 00:09:01,408 Charlie, please don't start. 209 00:09:01,474 --> 00:09:03,644 I'll see you later. Hey! 210 00:09:05,345 --> 00:09:07,781 Three-nothin'. 211 00:09:07,848 --> 00:09:09,149 That was a time-out. 212 00:09:09,216 --> 00:09:10,083 You didn't call it. 213 00:09:10,150 --> 00:09:12,620 Fine. Three-nothing. 214 00:09:12,686 --> 00:09:13,921 You want a do-over? 215 00:09:13,987 --> 00:09:16,223 No, I don't want a do-over. 216 00:09:16,289 --> 00:09:17,791 Just bring it on. 217 00:09:21,729 --> 00:09:23,631 Not so easy when I'm paying attention, is it? 218 00:09:23,697 --> 00:09:26,266 Not so hard, either. 219 00:09:27,367 --> 00:09:31,004 ( grunts ) 220 00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:32,139 Ow! My head! 221 00:09:38,111 --> 00:09:38,879 You okay? 222 00:09:39,212 --> 00:09:41,348 No. 223 00:09:41,414 --> 00:09:42,850 Okay, okay, don't panic. 224 00:09:42,916 --> 00:09:44,151 I'm not panicking. 225 00:09:44,217 --> 00:09:45,919 Good. 226 00:09:45,986 --> 00:09:47,287 Ah, you're going to be fine. 227 00:09:47,354 --> 00:09:49,456 We've just got to stop the bleeding. 228 00:09:49,522 --> 00:09:51,792 I'm bleeding?! 229 00:09:51,859 --> 00:09:52,893 ( screams ) 230 00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:54,628 It's okay... ( screams ) 231 00:09:54,695 --> 00:09:55,462 What? 232 00:09:55,528 --> 00:09:56,797 Nothing, nothing. 233 00:09:56,864 --> 00:09:58,298 Just a little trickle. 234 00:09:58,365 --> 00:09:59,166 Here, take my shirt. 235 00:09:59,232 --> 00:10:00,267 Hold it up here. Ow! 236 00:10:00,333 --> 00:10:01,802 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 237 00:10:01,869 --> 00:10:03,570 Okay, let's get you up. 238 00:10:03,637 --> 00:10:05,138 Nice and slow. Atta boy. 239 00:10:05,205 --> 00:10:07,240 I'll grab my car keys, and we'll head to the hospital. 240 00:10:07,307 --> 00:10:08,475 A hospital? 241 00:10:08,541 --> 00:10:09,609 I don't want to go a hospital. 242 00:10:09,677 --> 00:10:11,211 Did I say hospital? 243 00:10:11,278 --> 00:10:12,612 I meant Disneyland. 244 00:10:13,513 --> 00:10:15,182 How's it going there, pal? 245 00:10:15,248 --> 00:10:16,416 You still bleeding? 246 00:10:16,483 --> 00:10:17,484 I dunno. 247 00:10:17,550 --> 00:10:19,519 Don't look. Don't look. 248 00:10:19,586 --> 00:10:20,520 You just hang in there. 249 00:10:20,587 --> 00:10:21,989 We'll get you fixed up 250 00:10:22,055 --> 00:10:23,456 and you'll be back home before you know it. 251 00:10:23,523 --> 00:10:28,061 Just as soon as we find the freakin' hospital. 252 00:10:28,128 --> 00:10:29,897 You don't know where the hospital is? 253 00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:32,132 Of course I know where it is. 254 00:10:35,002 --> 00:10:36,303 I'm kind of hungry. 255 00:10:36,369 --> 00:10:38,138 Can we stop for a chili cheeseburger? 256 00:10:38,205 --> 00:10:39,172 You're hungry? 257 00:10:39,239 --> 00:10:40,774 How can you even think about food? 258 00:10:40,841 --> 00:10:43,410 What do you think about when you're hungry? 259 00:10:44,511 --> 00:10:46,113 Fair enough. 260 00:10:46,179 --> 00:10:49,817 We'll get you a chili cheeseburger at the hospital. 261 00:10:49,883 --> 00:10:51,985 Well, do they have fries at the hospital? 262 00:10:52,052 --> 00:10:54,087 They have everything. 263 00:10:54,154 --> 00:10:57,557 Some people go just for the food. 264 00:10:57,624 --> 00:11:01,128 Oh, man, we'd better call your dad. 265 00:11:03,030 --> 00:11:06,066 ( phone ringing ) 266 00:11:06,133 --> 00:11:08,535 Hello? 267 00:11:08,601 --> 00:11:10,470 Why do you have your father's phone? 268 00:11:10,537 --> 00:11:11,739 I dunno. 269 00:11:12,639 --> 00:11:14,975 That's great. 270 00:11:15,042 --> 00:11:16,676 Bye. 271 00:11:19,312 --> 00:11:20,213 ( siren wailing ) 272 00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:21,348 Yes. An ambulance. 273 00:11:21,414 --> 00:11:23,984 50-50 shot he's going to a hospital. 274 00:11:24,051 --> 00:11:25,352 Hang on. 275 00:11:25,418 --> 00:11:27,087 Whoa. 276 00:11:28,321 --> 00:11:30,257 I can't believe we beat the ambulance. 277 00:11:30,323 --> 00:11:32,492 Yeah, well, those things are just ice cream trucks 278 00:11:32,559 --> 00:11:33,593 with blood bags. 279 00:11:33,660 --> 00:11:35,628 Hi. We need to see a doctor. 280 00:11:35,695 --> 00:11:37,464 Just fill these out and have a seat. 281 00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:39,166 No, no, no, you don't understand. 282 00:11:39,232 --> 00:11:40,768 He hit his head. He's bleeding. 283 00:11:40,834 --> 00:11:42,335 Did he lose consciousness? 284 00:11:42,402 --> 00:11:43,570 No. 285 00:11:43,636 --> 00:11:45,638 I got a little woozy, though. 286 00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:47,440 Follow my finger. 287 00:11:50,410 --> 00:11:51,711 He's going to be fine. 288 00:11:51,779 --> 00:11:53,781 That's it? 289 00:11:53,847 --> 00:11:55,715 "Bup, bup, bup, he's going to be fine"? 290 00:11:56,649 --> 00:11:58,151 That's not a medical test. 291 00:11:58,218 --> 00:12:00,187 That's how you hypnotize a chicken. 292 00:12:00,253 --> 00:12:03,356 I'd like a chili cheeseburger and fries, please. 293 00:12:04,724 --> 00:12:06,259 You see, he's hallucinating. 294 00:12:06,326 --> 00:12:08,728 Can we please just get him in to a doctor? 295 00:12:08,796 --> 00:12:10,263 Well, you need to fill this out first. 296 00:12:10,330 --> 00:12:11,999 Oh, come on. This is gonna take forever. 297 00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:13,233 Can't we do this later? 298 00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:17,437 Over dinner? 299 00:12:17,504 --> 00:12:19,807 Now you're hallucinating. 300 00:12:19,873 --> 00:12:21,775 Oh, jeez. Come on, buddy. 301 00:12:25,846 --> 00:12:27,881 All right. 302 00:12:27,948 --> 00:12:28,949 Let's see. 303 00:12:29,016 --> 00:12:30,317 Last name: Harper. 304 00:12:30,383 --> 00:12:32,519 First name: Jac... ob? 305 00:12:32,585 --> 00:12:33,453 Mm-hmm. 306 00:12:33,520 --> 00:12:35,455 Jacob. I knew that. 307 00:12:35,522 --> 00:12:36,723 Middle name? 308 00:12:36,790 --> 00:12:37,624 You don't know? 309 00:12:37,690 --> 00:12:38,625 Of course I know. 310 00:12:38,691 --> 00:12:40,427 I want to see if you know. 311 00:12:40,493 --> 00:12:41,561 You fell on your head, dude. 312 00:12:41,628 --> 00:12:42,395 David. 313 00:12:42,462 --> 00:12:43,964 Wow, Jacob David. 314 00:12:44,031 --> 00:12:47,634 They went full Old Testament on you, didn't they? 315 00:12:47,700 --> 00:12:49,169 Age: Ten. 316 00:12:49,236 --> 00:12:50,637 Allergies? 317 00:12:50,703 --> 00:12:52,105 I dunno. 318 00:12:52,172 --> 00:12:54,875 Is there anything you eat that makes you sick? 319 00:12:54,942 --> 00:12:57,744 I ate a worm once. 320 00:12:57,811 --> 00:13:00,347 No allergies. 321 00:13:00,413 --> 00:13:02,315 Have you had any of the following? 322 00:13:02,382 --> 00:13:03,516 Measles? 323 00:13:03,583 --> 00:13:04,551 I dunno. Mumps? 324 00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:06,553 I dunno. Chickenpox? 325 00:13:06,619 --> 00:13:07,821 Is that the one with the spots? 326 00:13:07,888 --> 00:13:08,822 Yeah. 327 00:13:08,889 --> 00:13:09,756 I dunno. 328 00:13:09,823 --> 00:13:11,291 All right. 329 00:13:11,358 --> 00:13:13,861 We're just gonna vote the "straight no" ticket. 330 00:13:13,927 --> 00:13:16,629 Family history? 331 00:13:16,696 --> 00:13:19,466 Well, your grandmother's always been 332 00:13:19,532 --> 00:13:20,633 a pain in the ass. 333 00:13:20,700 --> 00:13:22,202 Gonzalez. 334 00:13:22,269 --> 00:13:23,703 Right here. 335 00:13:23,770 --> 00:13:26,506 I'm Gonzalez. 336 00:13:27,574 --> 00:13:29,276 No, you're not. 337 00:13:30,710 --> 00:13:33,480 Oh, right. 338 00:13:33,546 --> 00:13:36,116 He's Gonzalez. 339 00:13:38,018 --> 00:13:41,488 Okay, you're going to feel a little sting. 340 00:13:41,554 --> 00:13:43,456 Nobody said I had to get a shot. 341 00:13:43,523 --> 00:13:44,724 It's to numb your skin 342 00:13:44,791 --> 00:13:46,193 so you won't feel the stitches. 343 00:13:46,259 --> 00:13:49,362 What are you gonna give me not to feel the shot? 344 00:13:49,429 --> 00:13:50,597 It's all right, pal. 345 00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:52,265 I'm right here with you. 346 00:13:52,332 --> 00:13:53,433 Big deal. 347 00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:55,602 I'm still gonna get a shot in my head. 348 00:13:55,668 --> 00:13:59,639 Come on. Just hold my hand. Look me in the eyes. 349 00:13:59,706 --> 00:14:01,608 Go ahead, Doc. 350 00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:03,076 Ow, ow, ow! 351 00:14:03,143 --> 00:14:04,577 Hey, hey, go easy on the kid. 352 00:14:04,644 --> 00:14:06,213 No, you're squishing my hand. 353 00:14:08,648 --> 00:14:10,217 Oh, sorry. 354 00:14:10,283 --> 00:14:11,551 But you didn't feel the shot, did you? 355 00:14:11,618 --> 00:14:12,619 No. 356 00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:14,287 You're welcome. 357 00:14:14,354 --> 00:14:16,356 Maybe you would prefer to wait outside. 358 00:14:16,423 --> 00:14:19,026 I'd prefer a morphine drip and a sponge bath, 359 00:14:19,092 --> 00:14:20,227 but the kid needs me. 360 00:14:20,293 --> 00:14:23,363 How many stitches am I gonna get? 361 00:14:23,430 --> 00:14:24,932 Oh, I don't know, three or four. 362 00:14:24,998 --> 00:14:26,266 That's all? 363 00:14:26,333 --> 00:14:28,535 Scott Pressman got nine when his sister hit him 364 00:14:28,601 --> 00:14:29,569 with an Etch-A-Sketch. 365 00:14:29,636 --> 00:14:31,504 Help us out here, Doc. 366 00:14:31,571 --> 00:14:34,707 Okay, I'll go five, but one is purely decorative. 367 00:14:34,774 --> 00:14:36,176 Thank you. 368 00:14:36,243 --> 00:14:37,610 Is this going to leave a scar? 369 00:14:37,677 --> 00:14:39,246 I'm afraid so. 370 00:14:39,312 --> 00:14:40,180 Oh, no. 371 00:14:40,247 --> 00:14:41,048 Yes! 372 00:14:41,114 --> 00:14:43,917 Okay, let's get started. 373 00:14:43,984 --> 00:14:45,285 ( phone ringing ) Oh, good. 374 00:14:45,352 --> 00:14:47,487 Maybe that's your father. 375 00:14:47,554 --> 00:14:48,956 Hello? 376 00:14:49,022 --> 00:14:52,625 Oh, hey, Judith. 377 00:14:52,692 --> 00:14:55,963 No, it's me, Charlie. 378 00:14:56,029 --> 00:14:57,965 What am I doing with Alan's phone? 379 00:14:58,031 --> 00:15:01,468 Why, do you want custody of that, too? 380 00:15:02,869 --> 00:15:06,006 Oh, come on. That's funny. 381 00:15:06,073 --> 00:15:10,110 I don't know, maybe Alan and I accidentally switched phones. 382 00:15:10,177 --> 00:15:12,612 Why don't you try calling him on mine? 383 00:15:12,679 --> 00:15:16,616 310-Lick-Me. 384 00:15:19,352 --> 00:15:23,490 Hey, I didn't pick it, but that's what it spells. 385 00:15:23,556 --> 00:15:25,125 Okay, good-bye. 386 00:15:25,192 --> 00:15:27,860 Are you doing it, 'cause I can't feel anything. 387 00:15:27,927 --> 00:15:29,162 Yeah, that's the idea. 388 00:15:29,229 --> 00:15:30,630 Can you see my brain? 389 00:15:32,099 --> 00:15:32,932 Sure. Sure. 390 00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:34,434 It's a big brain. 391 00:15:34,501 --> 00:15:36,603 You must be very smart. ( phone ringing ) 392 00:15:36,669 --> 00:15:39,506 Your phone's ringing. 393 00:15:39,572 --> 00:15:40,640 No, it's not. 394 00:15:40,707 --> 00:15:43,076 The doctor's just stimulating 395 00:15:43,143 --> 00:15:45,912 the phone-ring part of your brain. 396 00:15:45,979 --> 00:15:47,780 Right, Doc? 397 00:15:47,847 --> 00:15:49,149 Sure, why not? 398 00:15:49,216 --> 00:15:51,384 Hey, I ordered a chili cheeseburger out there. 399 00:15:51,451 --> 00:15:53,420 Will they know to bring it in? 400 00:15:56,689 --> 00:15:57,991 Oh, come on, Mom. 401 00:15:58,058 --> 00:16:01,361 Those are two completely different scenarios. 402 00:16:01,428 --> 00:16:03,330 Hey. 403 00:16:06,033 --> 00:16:07,234 Cool hats. 404 00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:08,768 So, you're saying that 405 00:16:08,835 --> 00:16:11,371 because I didn't name you as Jake's guardian 406 00:16:11,438 --> 00:16:13,940 you're switching your medical power of attorney 407 00:16:14,007 --> 00:16:15,475 from me to Charlie? 408 00:16:15,542 --> 00:16:16,476 What's going on? 409 00:16:16,543 --> 00:16:17,244 Hang on. 410 00:16:17,310 --> 00:16:18,811 If Mom's ever in a coma, 411 00:16:18,878 --> 00:16:21,614 you're the one who has to decide to pull the plug. 412 00:16:24,851 --> 00:16:27,320 Pull. 413 00:16:27,387 --> 00:16:29,789 All right, Mom, Charlie's on board. 414 00:16:29,856 --> 00:16:30,923 Yeah, yeah, gotta go. 415 00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:32,359 Hey, where've you guys been? 416 00:16:32,425 --> 00:16:35,128 Oh, you know, we went and got a couple of hamburgers, 417 00:16:35,195 --> 00:16:38,431 bought some hats. 418 00:16:38,498 --> 00:16:43,036 Ate the hamburgers, wearing the hats. 419 00:16:43,103 --> 00:16:44,371 Okay. 420 00:16:44,437 --> 00:16:46,139 You're right. He bought it. 421 00:16:46,206 --> 00:16:48,575 Bought what? 422 00:16:48,641 --> 00:16:53,613 Oh, dude, you can forget about a life of crime. 423 00:16:55,582 --> 00:16:56,849 Oh, my God. 424 00:16:56,916 --> 00:16:58,418 What happened? 425 00:16:58,485 --> 00:17:00,953 We were playing basketball, and it got a little rough. 426 00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:02,289 He fouled me. You charged. 427 00:17:02,355 --> 00:17:03,490 Did not. Did, too. 428 00:17:03,556 --> 00:17:04,591 Hold on. Hold on. 429 00:17:04,657 --> 00:17:06,559 So you took him to the emergency room? Yes. 430 00:17:06,626 --> 00:17:08,961 Where the cheeseburgers sucked, by the way. 431 00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:10,263 But he's okay? 432 00:17:10,330 --> 00:17:13,032 There's no concussion or anything? No. 433 00:17:13,100 --> 00:17:14,467 We saw my brain. 434 00:17:14,534 --> 00:17:15,302 No, we didn't. 435 00:17:15,368 --> 00:17:17,437 We didn't see any brains. 436 00:17:17,504 --> 00:17:19,038 Hey, why didn't you call me? 437 00:17:20,006 --> 00:17:21,241 Oh, there it is. 438 00:17:21,308 --> 00:17:23,610 Why do you have my cell phone? 439 00:17:23,676 --> 00:17:25,078 I dunno. 440 00:17:25,145 --> 00:17:26,913 All right. 441 00:17:26,979 --> 00:17:28,481 You sure you're okay? 442 00:17:28,548 --> 00:17:29,249 Mm-hmm. 443 00:17:29,316 --> 00:17:31,318 Can I go watch TV? 444 00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:32,452 Sure. 445 00:17:34,821 --> 00:17:37,124 I am really sorry, Alan. 446 00:17:37,190 --> 00:17:38,625 Oh, don't worry about it. 447 00:17:38,691 --> 00:17:39,959 He's fine. 448 00:17:40,026 --> 00:17:41,027 Yeah, but I'm not. 449 00:17:41,094 --> 00:17:42,595 You were right. 450 00:17:42,662 --> 00:17:45,665 I obviously can't be trusted to take care of Jake. 451 00:17:45,732 --> 00:17:48,335 Believe me, the second you're in the ground, 452 00:17:48,401 --> 00:17:51,371 I'm sticking that kid on a plane to Rhode Island. 453 00:17:51,438 --> 00:17:53,540 Charlie, let me tell you something. 454 00:17:53,606 --> 00:17:56,243 You can't keep Jake from ever getting hurt. 455 00:17:56,309 --> 00:17:59,746 He's a boy. Getting hurt is like his job. 456 00:17:59,812 --> 00:18:02,682 Last summer he actually fractured his ass 457 00:18:02,749 --> 00:18:05,318 doing a cannonball into the bathtub. 458 00:18:05,385 --> 00:18:08,221 All I care about is that he has somebody who loves him 459 00:18:08,288 --> 00:18:10,323 and who'll step up when it really counts. 460 00:18:10,390 --> 00:18:12,425 And that's what you did today. 461 00:18:12,492 --> 00:18:17,029 Yeah, I... I guess I did, didn't I? 462 00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:18,598 Yeah, and if, God forbid, 463 00:18:18,665 --> 00:18:23,303 something should ever happen to Judith and me... 464 00:18:23,370 --> 00:18:24,771 I would be very comfortable 465 00:18:24,837 --> 00:18:27,607 knowing that you were looking after my son. 466 00:18:28,975 --> 00:18:31,611 Dead, but comfortable. 467 00:18:33,513 --> 00:18:37,917 Does this mean you're putting me in the will? 468 00:18:37,984 --> 00:18:39,552 Yeah. 469 00:18:39,619 --> 00:18:41,120 Oh, wow. 470 00:18:41,188 --> 00:18:43,356 Thanks, man. 471 00:18:44,857 --> 00:18:47,294 That means a lot. 472 00:18:47,360 --> 00:18:48,795 Just do me a favor, all right? 473 00:18:48,861 --> 00:18:50,463 What's that? 474 00:18:50,530 --> 00:18:53,132 Don't die. 475 00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:56,269 * Men. 476 00:19:01,974 --> 00:19:03,643 That's a very cute hat. 477 00:19:03,710 --> 00:19:07,514 Thank you. It makes my hair sweat. 478 00:19:08,114 --> 00:19:09,216 Oh, my God. 479 00:19:09,282 --> 00:19:11,017 What happened to your head? 480 00:19:11,083 --> 00:19:12,919 Oh, I got five stitches. 481 00:19:12,985 --> 00:19:15,121 There was blood everywhere. 482 00:19:15,188 --> 00:19:16,656 Why didn't anyone tell me? 483 00:19:16,723 --> 00:19:18,291 I just did. 484 00:19:18,358 --> 00:19:20,427 Can we stop for pizza? 485 00:19:20,493 --> 00:19:21,928 I can't believe this. 486 00:19:21,994 --> 00:19:25,498 I'm going to have a little talk with your father. 487 00:19:26,399 --> 00:19:30,036 ( phone ringing ) 488 00:19:30,102 --> 00:19:31,571 Hello?