1 00:00:01,969 --> 00:00:03,337 Here. Try this. 2 00:00:03,404 --> 00:00:03,971 What is it? 3 00:00:04,038 --> 00:00:05,206 Just try it. 4 00:00:06,474 --> 00:00:07,608 Hey, that's good. 5 00:00:07,675 --> 00:00:09,777 Of course it is. It's chicken in frumunda sauce. 6 00:00:09,843 --> 00:00:11,112 Frumunda sauce? 7 00:00:11,179 --> 00:00:12,813 Yeah, from unda the toilet. 8 00:00:12,880 --> 00:00:15,416 ( laughing ) 9 00:00:15,483 --> 00:00:16,584 Get it, Dad? 10 00:00:16,650 --> 00:00:17,851 Yeah, yeah, I get it. 11 00:00:17,918 --> 00:00:20,354 I got it 30 years ago the first time he said it. 12 00:00:20,421 --> 00:00:22,156 Yeah, but it's new to him. 13 00:00:22,223 --> 00:00:23,624 Check this out. 14 00:00:23,691 --> 00:00:25,959 Hey, Jake, what do you call the red mushy stuff 15 00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:27,295 between the elephant's toes? 16 00:00:27,361 --> 00:00:29,130 What? Slow-moving natives. 17 00:00:29,197 --> 00:00:30,664 ( laughing ) 18 00:00:30,731 --> 00:00:31,732 I love this kid. 19 00:00:31,799 --> 00:00:33,267 He's a comedy blank slate. 20 00:00:33,334 --> 00:00:34,868 Yeah, I'm glad you love him, 21 00:00:34,935 --> 00:00:36,837 but you may not want to share your chopsticks with him. 22 00:00:36,904 --> 00:00:38,306 I think he's coming down with something. 23 00:00:38,372 --> 00:00:39,640 Oh, no. 24 00:00:39,707 --> 00:00:41,975 He thinks it's a head cold, but it's snot. 25 00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:43,444 ( laughing ) 26 00:00:43,511 --> 00:00:46,214 Wait a minute, you don't know that one either? 27 00:00:46,280 --> 00:00:48,782 Oh, I have so much to teach you, grasshopper. 28 00:00:50,218 --> 00:00:51,652 Hey, do you know how to make arm farts? 29 00:00:51,719 --> 00:00:52,586 Charlie... 30 00:00:52,653 --> 00:00:53,687 Charlie... 31 00:00:53,754 --> 00:00:54,622 not at the dinner table. 32 00:00:54,688 --> 00:00:55,689 I'll show you later. 33 00:00:57,358 --> 00:00:59,293 Hey, before I forget, you got plans for tomorrow night? 34 00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:00,561 No. Make some. 35 00:01:00,628 --> 00:01:03,364 I'm going to need the house to myself. 36 00:01:03,431 --> 00:01:04,732 Fine. 37 00:01:04,798 --> 00:01:05,866 Don't you want to know why? 38 00:01:05,933 --> 00:01:07,201 Uh, Jake, if you're done, 39 00:01:07,268 --> 00:01:09,737 you can go to your room and start your homework. 40 00:01:09,803 --> 00:01:11,472 Oh, this is about sex, right? 41 00:01:12,706 --> 00:01:14,342 Kids today, huh? 42 00:01:14,408 --> 00:01:16,610 Doesn't know frumunda sauce, but gets why I need the house. 43 00:01:17,911 --> 00:01:19,079 Dude, I got a bunch of jokes 44 00:01:19,147 --> 00:01:20,914 you're going to love in a year or two. 45 00:01:20,981 --> 00:01:21,915 Cool! 46 00:01:21,982 --> 00:01:23,384 Go. 47 00:01:23,451 --> 00:01:26,554 You think I'm just a kid, but I'm snot. 48 00:01:27,955 --> 00:01:29,690 Wait. That's not right. 49 00:01:31,492 --> 00:01:35,663 Okay. Have you ever had revenge sex? 50 00:01:35,729 --> 00:01:36,897 Hang on. 51 00:01:36,964 --> 00:01:38,332 Jake, are you in your room? 52 00:01:38,399 --> 00:01:39,933 ( footsteps running across floor ) 53 00:01:40,000 --> 00:01:41,535 JAKE: Yeah. 54 00:01:43,003 --> 00:01:44,172 Revenge sex? 55 00:01:44,238 --> 00:01:46,207 Is that, uh, anything like pity sex? 56 00:01:46,274 --> 00:01:47,475 Whole different animal. 57 00:01:47,541 --> 00:01:48,542 Ah. 58 00:01:48,609 --> 00:01:50,244 Let me break it down for you. 59 00:01:50,311 --> 00:01:52,480 There's this woman, Kathy. Lives up the beach. 60 00:01:52,546 --> 00:01:54,215 Beautiful woman. I've wanted her for years. 61 00:01:54,282 --> 00:01:55,649 Only one problem. 62 00:01:55,716 --> 00:01:58,051 She's married to kind of a friend of mine. 63 00:01:58,118 --> 00:01:59,553 Kind of a friend? 64 00:01:59,620 --> 00:02:02,423 Well, I never really liked him, but he had a hot wife. 65 00:02:02,490 --> 00:02:05,593 So the sanctity of marriage does slow you down a bit. 66 00:02:05,659 --> 00:02:06,594 I'm impressed. 67 00:02:06,660 --> 00:02:07,795 Thank you. 68 00:02:07,861 --> 00:02:09,029 But then I catch a break. 69 00:02:09,096 --> 00:02:10,198 He cheats on her with her best friend. 70 00:02:10,264 --> 00:02:11,799 She throws him out. 71 00:02:11,865 --> 00:02:14,335 So now I'm thinking she's going to want justice. 72 00:02:14,402 --> 00:02:16,670 Justice meaning revenge sex with you? 73 00:02:16,737 --> 00:02:18,606 You see it, too, huh? 74 00:02:18,672 --> 00:02:21,309 Yeah, you're going to exploit someone's anger and grief 75 00:02:21,375 --> 00:02:22,710 for your own animal gratification. 76 00:02:22,776 --> 00:02:24,745 Hey, I don't bitch about your hobbies. 77 00:02:26,414 --> 00:02:28,682 Anyway, she's coming over here on Sunday, 78 00:02:28,749 --> 00:02:30,484 so I'm going to need you to be out of the way 79 00:02:30,551 --> 00:02:32,320 because we'll probably be moving from room to room. 80 00:02:32,386 --> 00:02:33,421 I'll catch a movie. 81 00:02:33,487 --> 00:02:35,589 Just mop up when you're done. 82 00:02:35,656 --> 00:02:36,724 You got it. 83 00:02:36,790 --> 00:02:38,492 I told you, don't take things off his plate. 84 00:02:38,559 --> 00:02:40,361 He's coming down with something. 85 00:02:40,428 --> 00:02:42,896 Relax. I never get sick. 86 00:02:42,963 --> 00:02:44,665 Boy... 87 00:02:44,732 --> 00:02:46,099 is he sick. 88 00:02:46,166 --> 00:02:47,635 ( blows nose ) 89 00:02:49,837 --> 00:02:52,440 Well, I can't say he didn't warn me. 90 00:02:54,608 --> 00:02:57,177 * Men, men, men, men, manly men * 91 00:02:57,245 --> 00:02:59,313 * Men... * 92 00:03:05,719 --> 00:03:06,854 How you feeling? 93 00:03:06,920 --> 00:03:09,457 Horrible. 94 00:03:10,358 --> 00:03:11,659 Is that tea? 95 00:03:11,725 --> 00:03:12,693 Yeah. 96 00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:18,966 Ah. 97 00:03:20,234 --> 00:03:21,669 Look, I know I said 98 00:03:21,735 --> 00:03:23,604 I wanted you out of the house for my date tonight, 99 00:03:23,671 --> 00:03:25,773 but you're obviously indisposed, so don't worry about it. 100 00:03:25,839 --> 00:03:26,474 Thank you. 101 00:03:26,540 --> 00:03:28,041 Just stay in your room 102 00:03:28,108 --> 00:03:30,811 so the coughing and hacking doesn't kill the mood. 103 00:03:30,878 --> 00:03:34,615 Anything else I can do to enhance your evening? 104 00:03:34,682 --> 00:03:39,287 Well, do you know how to work my camcorder? 105 00:03:40,721 --> 00:03:42,923 I'm bored. What are we going to do today? 106 00:03:42,990 --> 00:03:45,726 I don't know. Why don't we make some lunch and figure something out. 107 00:03:45,793 --> 00:03:46,226 Cool. 108 00:03:46,294 --> 00:03:47,728 Excuse me! 109 00:03:47,795 --> 00:03:50,298 Has anyone noticed I'm sick and miserable here? 110 00:03:50,364 --> 00:03:51,699 Yes, Alan, we noticed. 111 00:03:51,765 --> 00:03:54,568 Which is why we're gonna make like hockey players 112 00:03:54,635 --> 00:03:56,069 and get the puck outta here. 113 00:03:56,136 --> 00:03:57,538 Get it, Dad? 114 00:03:57,605 --> 00:04:00,341 Puck's not a bad word, but it sounds like one. 115 00:04:00,408 --> 00:04:03,277 Yeah, hilarious. 116 00:04:03,344 --> 00:04:04,478 Hey, Uncle Charlie. 117 00:04:04,545 --> 00:04:06,414 Let's make like soccer players 118 00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:09,249 and get our big... leather balls out of here. 119 00:04:09,317 --> 00:04:11,585 Good one. 120 00:04:11,652 --> 00:04:12,986 Hey, you know, I caught this from you. 121 00:04:13,053 --> 00:04:14,254 How come you're not sick? 122 00:04:14,322 --> 00:04:16,590 I am. ( sniffles, coughs ) See? 123 00:04:17,791 --> 00:04:20,828 He's just not being a baby about it. 124 00:04:21,762 --> 00:04:23,063 ( knocking ): Hi. 125 00:04:23,130 --> 00:04:24,832 Oh, perfect. 126 00:04:26,734 --> 00:04:29,036 Rose, this isn't the best time. 127 00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:30,804 Alan's pretty sick. 128 00:04:30,871 --> 00:04:33,407 Oh, no... 129 00:04:33,474 --> 00:04:34,675 Poor Alan. 130 00:04:34,742 --> 00:04:37,077 Is Charlie taking good care of you? 131 00:04:37,144 --> 00:04:38,579 Not really. 132 00:04:38,646 --> 00:04:42,015 Would you like me to take care of you? 133 00:04:42,082 --> 00:04:43,884 Not really. 134 00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:46,086 Oh, don't be silly. Move over. 135 00:04:46,153 --> 00:04:47,521 Rose, Rose... 136 00:04:47,588 --> 00:04:50,558 wh-what... what are you doing? 137 00:04:51,725 --> 00:04:54,161 I'm transmitting healing energy 138 00:04:54,227 --> 00:04:56,296 from my body to yours. 139 00:04:57,865 --> 00:04:59,733 ( humming ) 140 00:05:01,201 --> 00:05:03,170 Looks like you're in good hands. 141 00:05:03,236 --> 00:05:04,938 Come on, Jake. 142 00:05:05,005 --> 00:05:07,375 I don't think that's gonna help him. 143 00:05:07,441 --> 00:05:09,042 No, but it helps us. 144 00:05:13,514 --> 00:05:16,249 Is he going to be able to take me back to Mom's later? 145 00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:18,586 Don't worry. If he can't, I will. 146 00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:20,053 Hey, how can you tell 147 00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:22,122 if an elephant's been in your refrigerator? 148 00:05:22,189 --> 00:05:23,457 How? 149 00:05:23,524 --> 00:05:26,126 There's footprints in the cheesecake. 150 00:05:26,193 --> 00:05:28,261 But we don't have a cheesecake. 151 00:05:28,328 --> 00:05:31,331 That's the part you don't buy? 152 00:05:31,399 --> 00:05:35,669 ( humming ) 153 00:05:35,736 --> 00:05:38,539 Do you feel the healing energy? 154 00:05:38,606 --> 00:05:43,744 If I say yes, will you get off me? 155 00:05:43,811 --> 00:05:45,679 ( knocking ): Hello? 156 00:05:45,746 --> 00:05:46,447 Mom? 157 00:05:46,514 --> 00:05:48,916 For God's sake, Alan, 158 00:05:48,982 --> 00:05:50,918 I sit on that couch. 159 00:05:50,984 --> 00:05:52,420 Mom, I'm sick. 160 00:05:52,486 --> 00:05:55,656 We're all sick, darling, but we use discretion. 161 00:05:55,723 --> 00:05:59,092 No, he has the flu, Evelyn. 162 00:05:59,159 --> 00:06:01,361 Oh, you poor baby. 163 00:06:01,429 --> 00:06:03,964 What can Mommy do for you? 164 00:06:04,031 --> 00:06:06,033 It's okay. I'll manage. 165 00:06:06,099 --> 00:06:07,334 Oh, don't be ridiculous. 166 00:06:07,401 --> 00:06:08,902 Now what do you need? 167 00:06:08,969 --> 00:06:09,637 I don't know. 168 00:06:09,703 --> 00:06:11,705 I am kind of thirsty. 169 00:06:11,772 --> 00:06:13,541 Well, then, you should be drinking lots of fluids. 170 00:06:13,607 --> 00:06:16,810 ALAN: Okay. 171 00:06:16,877 --> 00:06:19,547 Would you like a nice, hot bowl 172 00:06:19,613 --> 00:06:22,616 of my special chicken noodle soup? 173 00:06:22,683 --> 00:06:24,251 That would be nice. 174 00:06:24,317 --> 00:06:25,553 Rose, call Greenblatt's 175 00:06:25,619 --> 00:06:27,421 and have them send over some soup. 176 00:06:27,488 --> 00:06:30,791 As a matter of fact, I'm famished. 177 00:06:30,858 --> 00:06:32,159 Order me... 178 00:06:32,225 --> 00:06:33,561 Order me 179 00:06:33,627 --> 00:06:35,829 a turkey on rye with maybe a little Swiss. 180 00:06:35,896 --> 00:06:38,265 Oh, on second thought, delivery takes forever. 181 00:06:38,331 --> 00:06:40,167 Would you care to join me for lunch? 182 00:06:42,035 --> 00:06:43,403 What about Alan? 183 00:06:43,471 --> 00:06:45,506 Oh, we'll have something sent back for him. 184 00:06:45,573 --> 00:06:47,541 ROSE: Okay. 185 00:06:47,608 --> 00:06:49,042 So what's Charlie been up to? 186 00:06:49,109 --> 00:06:51,679 Well... what do you know about revenge sex? 187 00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:54,748 Quite a bit, actually. 188 00:06:58,118 --> 00:07:00,788 I'm still thirsty. 189 00:07:21,041 --> 00:07:22,476 Hey. 190 00:07:22,543 --> 00:07:23,844 Looking good. 191 00:07:34,321 --> 00:07:35,723 That's not very hygienic. 192 00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:38,091 We wash dishes in that sink. 193 00:07:38,158 --> 00:07:40,594 Well, somebody does. 194 00:07:40,661 --> 00:07:43,163 Did the chicken soup Mom sent over from Greenblatt's 195 00:07:43,230 --> 00:07:44,598 ever show up? 196 00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:48,736 Nope. 197 00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:56,176 Well, I'm glad you got some rest 'cause I have got great news. 198 00:07:56,243 --> 00:07:57,545 There is no great news. 199 00:07:57,611 --> 00:08:00,447 There's no light at the end of the tunnel. 200 00:08:00,514 --> 00:08:03,216 There's no silver lining. 201 00:08:03,283 --> 00:08:06,620 There's just this hell on earth 202 00:08:06,687 --> 00:08:12,092 and the slow wait for the sweet release of death. 203 00:08:14,595 --> 00:08:16,830 Okay, let's call it good news. 204 00:08:18,532 --> 00:08:20,267 The girl I'm going out with tonight 205 00:08:20,333 --> 00:08:21,802 needs a date for her sister. 206 00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:27,641 Are you insane? 207 00:08:27,708 --> 00:08:30,811 No, but I hear the sister's a bit of a freak. 208 00:08:30,878 --> 00:08:32,379 Jake... 209 00:08:32,445 --> 00:08:34,114 Jake, go to your room. 210 00:08:34,181 --> 00:08:37,250 If you want to talk about sex, why don't you go to your room? 211 00:08:38,952 --> 00:08:39,887 Now. 212 00:08:39,953 --> 00:08:41,121 Fine. 213 00:08:41,188 --> 00:08:42,656 Charlie, first of all, 214 00:08:42,723 --> 00:08:44,524 I don't want to talk about dating in front of my son 215 00:08:44,592 --> 00:08:46,694 while his mother and I are in the middle of a divorce. 216 00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:49,462 Okay, okay, that's very caring and sensitive. 217 00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:50,764 Now let me tell you 218 00:08:50,831 --> 00:08:54,668 about Revenge Sex's little sister, Casual. 219 00:08:54,735 --> 00:08:59,206 All right, even if I weren't deathly ill, which I am, 220 00:08:59,272 --> 00:09:02,475 I wouldn't go on a blind double date with you. 221 00:09:02,542 --> 00:09:03,443 Why not? 222 00:09:03,510 --> 00:09:05,345 Summer of my junior year? 223 00:09:05,412 --> 00:09:07,615 The Seals and Crofts concert? 224 00:09:07,681 --> 00:09:09,750 You got the incredible cheerleader, 225 00:09:09,817 --> 00:09:12,586 and I got her sister, the incredible Hulk? 226 00:09:12,653 --> 00:09:15,555 Oh, yeah... 227 00:09:15,623 --> 00:09:18,091 She really took a shine to you. 228 00:09:18,158 --> 00:09:19,559 Sure did. 229 00:09:19,627 --> 00:09:21,895 "Sarah like puny Alan." 230 00:09:21,962 --> 00:09:23,396 Well, you weren't complaining 231 00:09:23,463 --> 00:09:26,834 when you were on her shoulders, shouting "Summer Breeze." 232 00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:29,069 Forget it, Charlie. Forget it. 233 00:09:29,136 --> 00:09:30,203 Alan, trust me. 234 00:09:30,270 --> 00:09:31,639 I've seen the sister. 235 00:09:31,705 --> 00:09:33,473 Her name is Desiree. 236 00:09:33,540 --> 00:09:34,608 I don't care what her name is. 237 00:09:34,675 --> 00:09:36,209 Desiree, Alan. 238 00:09:36,276 --> 00:09:39,246 That's like desire with a "yay!" at the end. 239 00:09:40,681 --> 00:09:42,582 She's an actress on some soap opera. 240 00:09:42,650 --> 00:09:43,550 Really? Which one? 241 00:09:43,617 --> 00:09:44,852 I don't know. 242 00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:46,553 The Bold and the Bulimic or something. 243 00:09:46,620 --> 00:09:48,155 Are you guys done yet? 244 00:09:48,221 --> 00:09:49,389 Yeah, we're done. 245 00:09:49,456 --> 00:09:51,458 Now we're gonna get your father back on his feet. 246 00:09:51,524 --> 00:09:52,559 How? 247 00:09:52,626 --> 00:09:53,894 Well... 248 00:09:53,961 --> 00:09:56,697 would you like to go see a bunch of naked boobs? 249 00:09:56,764 --> 00:09:58,932 Sure! Charlie?! 250 00:10:02,703 --> 00:10:05,906 This was a dirty trick, Uncle Charlie. 251 00:10:17,150 --> 00:10:20,287 So, we just sit here and be hot? 252 00:10:22,055 --> 00:10:23,423 Yep. 253 00:10:23,490 --> 00:10:25,926 This sucks. 254 00:10:25,993 --> 00:10:29,462 ( hawking gag ) 255 00:10:29,529 --> 00:10:30,931 That's good. 256 00:10:30,998 --> 00:10:34,267 Get it out now, 'cause most women hate that noise. 257 00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:37,604 I'm not going on a date tonight. 258 00:10:37,671 --> 00:10:38,538 You don't know that. 259 00:10:38,605 --> 00:10:40,007 I didn't start this day 260 00:10:40,073 --> 00:10:42,609 thinking we'd all be sitting together bare-ass naked, 261 00:10:42,676 --> 00:10:44,411 but here we are. 262 00:10:45,846 --> 00:10:48,215 Hey, Dad, want to hear a funny joke? 263 00:10:48,281 --> 00:10:49,416 Sure. Why not? 264 00:10:49,482 --> 00:10:53,153 Okay, there's a priest, a minister and a rabbit. 265 00:10:53,220 --> 00:10:54,421 That's a rabbi, Jake. 266 00:10:54,487 --> 00:10:55,455 Oh, yeah. 267 00:10:55,522 --> 00:10:56,656 Okay. 268 00:10:56,724 --> 00:10:59,760 A priest, a minister and a rabbi. 269 00:10:59,827 --> 00:11:00,861 I forgot the rest. 270 00:11:00,928 --> 00:11:03,263 I got to go to the bathroom. 271 00:11:03,330 --> 00:11:05,733 Wait. You know why they call this 272 00:11:05,799 --> 00:11:07,334 a European health spa? 273 00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:08,702 'Cause you're a-peein'. 274 00:11:11,038 --> 00:11:13,106 He's gonna kill 'em at school tomorrow. 275 00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:16,476 Charlie, I'm not going on a date. 276 00:11:16,543 --> 00:11:17,711 Oh, come on, Alan. 277 00:11:17,778 --> 00:11:19,079 If you don't do this, 278 00:11:19,146 --> 00:11:21,081 then I'm not going to get the revenge sex. 279 00:11:21,148 --> 00:11:22,950 And I really want the revenge sex. 280 00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:25,218 I really, really do! 281 00:11:25,285 --> 00:11:26,787 I'm sorry. 282 00:11:26,854 --> 00:11:28,789 It's not that I don't appreciate you 283 00:11:28,856 --> 00:11:31,291 pimping me out on my death bed. 284 00:11:31,358 --> 00:11:35,062 It's just that... I'm not ready to date. 285 00:11:35,128 --> 00:11:36,296 Not ready? 286 00:11:36,363 --> 00:11:38,331 Look, Alan, if you think you're protecting Jake 287 00:11:38,398 --> 00:11:39,432 by living like a monk, you're wrong. 288 00:11:39,499 --> 00:11:41,101 He needs to know that 289 00:11:41,168 --> 00:11:43,536 his father's moving on with his life, that he's happy. 290 00:11:43,603 --> 00:11:45,072 It's not about Jake. 291 00:11:45,138 --> 00:11:47,975 I haven't been on a date since college. 292 00:11:48,041 --> 00:11:49,910 There's nothing to worry about. Just be yourself. 293 00:11:49,977 --> 00:11:53,446 The one woman who knows me better than anyone in the world... 294 00:11:53,513 --> 00:11:55,115 threw me out. 295 00:11:55,182 --> 00:11:58,351 So "be yourself" is not exactly comforting advice. 296 00:12:00,387 --> 00:12:02,790 Good point. 297 00:12:02,856 --> 00:12:04,024 Okay, look at it this way. 298 00:12:05,325 --> 00:12:08,061 It took your wife 12 years to get sick of you. 299 00:12:08,128 --> 00:12:11,531 All you've got to do here is snow some broad for one night. 300 00:12:11,598 --> 00:12:12,766 ( door closes ) 301 00:12:12,833 --> 00:12:14,101 Okay, a priest, a minister, 302 00:12:14,167 --> 00:12:16,203 and a rabbi walk into a barn. 303 00:12:16,269 --> 00:12:18,305 It's a bar, Jake. 304 00:12:18,371 --> 00:12:20,407 Not a barn, a bar. 305 00:12:20,473 --> 00:12:22,275 It is? 306 00:12:22,342 --> 00:12:25,312 Now I get it. That's funny. 307 00:12:33,186 --> 00:12:37,257 Okay, I dropped Jake off at his mom's, 308 00:12:37,324 --> 00:12:40,360 and the girls should be here in a little while for drinks. 309 00:12:40,427 --> 00:12:42,529 Is this the sister? 310 00:12:42,595 --> 00:12:45,265 Desiree Barrington from The Young and the Restless? 311 00:12:45,332 --> 00:12:46,533 Yeah. 312 00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:51,571 You want me to go on a date with Desiree Barrington? 313 00:12:51,638 --> 00:12:52,705 Yeah. 314 00:12:52,772 --> 00:12:55,008 ( hacking coughs ) 315 00:12:57,644 --> 00:12:59,446 Ah! I'm healed. 316 00:12:59,512 --> 00:13:01,448 It's a miracle. 317 00:13:01,514 --> 00:13:02,549 Attaboy. 318 00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:05,785 ( coughing ) 319 00:13:05,853 --> 00:13:07,454 Are you okay? 320 00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:08,755 Yeah. Why? 321 00:13:08,822 --> 00:13:09,890 Well, you're coughing. 322 00:13:09,957 --> 00:13:11,458 You're sweating. 323 00:13:13,160 --> 00:13:15,095 Charlie, you're burning up. 324 00:13:15,162 --> 00:13:17,965 No, your hand is freezing. 325 00:13:18,031 --> 00:13:21,969 No, I-I think you're coming down with what I've got. 326 00:13:22,035 --> 00:13:22,970 Oh, don't be ridiculous. 327 00:13:23,036 --> 00:13:25,105 I never get sick. 328 00:13:25,172 --> 00:13:28,408 Now listen, I made reservations at the Ivy. 329 00:13:28,475 --> 00:13:32,145 I figure we'll take 'em out for an early dinner, and then... 330 00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:39,386 And then what? 331 00:13:39,452 --> 00:13:41,288 Hang on a second. 332 00:13:50,130 --> 00:13:53,466 ( bellowing retch ) 333 00:14:02,876 --> 00:14:05,612 Anyway, we'll take 'em to the Ivy... 334 00:14:13,353 --> 00:14:15,322 ( coughs ) 335 00:14:16,323 --> 00:14:20,293 Here. This will make you feel better. 336 00:14:22,562 --> 00:14:24,664 Thanks. 337 00:14:24,731 --> 00:14:26,799 Okay. 338 00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:28,735 Why don't you go upstairs and change 339 00:14:28,801 --> 00:14:32,205 because we really want to look our best for our dates. 340 00:14:32,272 --> 00:14:33,806 What are you talking about? 341 00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:35,508 I'm not going on a date. 342 00:14:35,575 --> 00:14:37,144 Yeah, you are. 343 00:14:37,210 --> 00:14:39,679 Come on, Charlie. Desiree Barrington. 344 00:14:39,746 --> 00:14:41,781 Nominated for two daytime Emmys. 345 00:14:41,848 --> 00:14:45,718 Named "most promising ingenue" by Soap Opera Digest. 346 00:14:45,785 --> 00:14:47,287 She totally 347 00:14:47,354 --> 00:14:48,922 revitalized The Young and the Restless. 348 00:14:50,423 --> 00:14:54,227 Occasionally I have lunch at my desk and watch a little TV. 349 00:14:55,695 --> 00:14:59,099 Tell Jake I loved him. 350 00:14:59,166 --> 00:15:00,267 Courage, Charlie. 351 00:15:00,333 --> 00:15:02,435 I was going to suck it up for you. 352 00:15:02,502 --> 00:15:04,037 No, you weren't. 353 00:15:04,104 --> 00:15:06,506 Okay, you got me. 354 00:15:06,573 --> 00:15:12,179 Look, you helped me feel better, and now I'll help you. 355 00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:14,114 You want to help me, Alan? 356 00:15:14,181 --> 00:15:17,050 Find a gun and shoot me in the eye. 357 00:15:17,117 --> 00:15:18,351 No, I was thinking 358 00:15:18,418 --> 00:15:21,221 I could give you a chiropractic adjustment. 359 00:15:21,288 --> 00:15:25,125 You could also do my hair, but what would be the point? 360 00:15:25,192 --> 00:15:28,095 Chiropractics is not just about back ailments. 361 00:15:28,161 --> 00:15:30,530 It's-it's a holistic approach to wellness 362 00:15:30,597 --> 00:15:34,101 that includes unblocking pathways in the nervous system 363 00:15:34,167 --> 00:15:36,536 so that the body can heal itself. 364 00:15:38,038 --> 00:15:39,572 Oh... ( blows raspberry ) 365 00:15:40,607 --> 00:15:41,975 Excuse me? 366 00:15:42,042 --> 00:15:44,177 Wh-Wh-What is...? ( blows raspberry ) 367 00:15:44,244 --> 00:15:47,380 Alan, I never told you this before. 368 00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:48,415 Uh-huh. 369 00:15:48,481 --> 00:15:51,718 I guess now is as good a time as any. 370 00:15:53,153 --> 00:15:55,622 I think what you do for a living... 371 00:15:55,688 --> 00:15:59,326 is a total crock. 372 00:15:59,392 --> 00:16:00,693 What? 373 00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:04,431 Don't take it personally, but you chiropractic guys 374 00:16:04,497 --> 00:16:08,368 are just masseuses without the happy endings, right? 375 00:16:09,502 --> 00:16:11,438 You think I'm some kind of phony? 376 00:16:11,504 --> 00:16:14,107 Th-Th-That my profession is some kind of con? 377 00:16:14,174 --> 00:16:15,342 Well, let's be honest. 378 00:16:15,408 --> 00:16:17,277 You only became a chiropractor 379 00:16:17,344 --> 00:16:19,779 'cause you couldn't get into medical school. 380 00:16:19,846 --> 00:16:21,548 I got into medical school! 381 00:16:21,614 --> 00:16:25,852 I just didn't want to spend four years at Guadalajara. 382 00:16:25,918 --> 00:16:27,954 So instead, you spent, what? 383 00:16:28,021 --> 00:16:31,191 Two weeks at Back Snapper U.? 384 00:16:31,258 --> 00:16:32,459 It was two years. 385 00:16:32,525 --> 00:16:34,294 And since we're being honest, 386 00:16:34,361 --> 00:16:37,464 let me tell you about what I think about what you do, 387 00:16:37,530 --> 00:16:39,132 Mr. Jingle Writer. 388 00:16:39,199 --> 00:16:41,768 You're not a musician, you're a salesman, 389 00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:43,336 and you know what you sell? 390 00:16:43,403 --> 00:16:44,137 Crap! 391 00:16:44,204 --> 00:16:47,474 Granny's Big Fudge Nuggets? 392 00:16:47,540 --> 00:16:48,441 Maple Loops? 393 00:16:48,508 --> 00:16:50,410 Hey, hey, Maple Loops is part 394 00:16:50,477 --> 00:16:52,812 of a nutritious, balanced breakfast. 395 00:16:52,879 --> 00:16:56,183 Yeah, if you eat it with a steak and some broccoli. 396 00:16:57,150 --> 00:16:58,818 Let me tell you another thing. 397 00:16:58,885 --> 00:17:00,120 You had a shot at a real career. 398 00:17:00,187 --> 00:17:01,688 You-you could have played in great bands. 399 00:17:01,754 --> 00:17:03,923 You could have been a respected studio musician. 400 00:17:03,990 --> 00:17:05,892 Don't you think I wanted that? 401 00:17:05,958 --> 00:17:09,096 I tried, Alan, and I failed. 402 00:17:09,162 --> 00:17:11,964 Truth is, if I hadn't started writing jingles, 403 00:17:12,031 --> 00:17:16,469 I'd be playing faculty mixers at the Guadalajara Medical School. 404 00:17:16,536 --> 00:17:19,306 Well... since you're being honest, 405 00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:22,342 I guess I can admit... 406 00:17:22,409 --> 00:17:25,445 I didn't really get into Guadalajara. 407 00:17:25,512 --> 00:17:29,916 I guess neither of us is doing exactly what we dreamed about 408 00:17:29,982 --> 00:17:31,218 when we were kids. 409 00:17:31,284 --> 00:17:32,885 No, I guess not. 410 00:17:32,952 --> 00:17:35,222 But you know, we could be doing a lot worse. 411 00:17:35,288 --> 00:17:37,357 Yes, we could. 412 00:17:38,858 --> 00:17:40,793 Excuse me. 413 00:17:50,170 --> 00:17:53,740 ( bellowing retch ) 414 00:18:00,980 --> 00:18:02,515 You know what's nice though? 415 00:18:08,020 --> 00:18:10,590 This. Right now. 416 00:18:10,657 --> 00:18:12,992 Taking care of each other like we did when we were kids. 417 00:18:13,059 --> 00:18:16,629 Well, no one else was going to take care of us. 418 00:18:16,696 --> 00:18:18,631 We're on our own. 419 00:18:18,698 --> 00:18:20,167 Yeah. 420 00:18:20,233 --> 00:18:22,302 Dad was gone, and Mom would... 421 00:18:23,870 --> 00:18:25,972 What are you doing? 422 00:18:26,038 --> 00:18:27,674 ( loud crack ) Hey! 423 00:18:27,740 --> 00:18:29,642 Oh. 424 00:18:29,709 --> 00:18:31,644 How do you feel? 425 00:18:33,346 --> 00:18:35,315 Actually, a little better. 426 00:18:35,382 --> 00:18:36,783 Ha. 427 00:18:36,849 --> 00:18:38,785 "Total crock," huh? 428 00:18:38,851 --> 00:18:40,287 Lay down. I'll do your back. 429 00:18:40,353 --> 00:18:41,954 Yeah, I-I-I'm fine, thanks. 430 00:18:42,021 --> 00:18:43,089 No, really. It'll help. 431 00:18:43,156 --> 00:18:44,257 I mean it, Alan. 432 00:18:44,324 --> 00:18:46,459 Keep your hands away from me. 433 00:18:46,526 --> 00:18:48,261 Oh, come on. Don't be such a baby. 434 00:18:48,328 --> 00:18:49,596 I'm not a baby. 435 00:18:49,662 --> 00:18:51,264 I just don't like a man touching me. 436 00:18:51,331 --> 00:18:52,832 But it'll feel good. 437 00:18:52,899 --> 00:18:54,000 I let you do it to me once. 438 00:18:54,066 --> 00:18:55,067 That was enough. 439 00:18:55,134 --> 00:18:56,403 ALAN: And you liked it. 440 00:18:56,469 --> 00:18:58,371 Oh, now come on. Let me just finish the job, 441 00:18:58,438 --> 00:19:02,041 and you'll be ready for when the women get here. 442 00:19:02,108 --> 00:19:03,042 No. 443 00:19:03,109 --> 00:19:04,043 Just relax. 444 00:19:04,110 --> 00:19:04,777 ( car door slams ) 445 00:19:04,844 --> 00:19:06,045 Wait. 446 00:19:06,112 --> 00:19:07,180 ( second door slams ) Car doors. 447 00:19:07,247 --> 00:19:10,383 They're here. Uh... 448 00:19:12,785 --> 00:19:15,154 How do I look? 449 00:19:18,157 --> 00:19:19,992 Great, great. Me? 450 00:19:20,059 --> 00:19:20,993 Very nice. 451 00:19:21,060 --> 00:19:21,961 Yeah. 452 00:19:22,028 --> 00:19:23,963 Come here. 453 00:19:24,030 --> 00:19:25,798 Okay. 454 00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:31,804 Thank you. 455 00:19:31,871 --> 00:19:35,174 ( coughs ) 456 00:19:52,859 --> 00:19:55,127 Is that the doorbell? 457 00:19:55,194 --> 00:19:56,963 Alan, relax. 458 00:19:57,029 --> 00:19:59,165 Chicks are always late. 459 00:19:59,232 --> 00:20:00,800 I guess. 460 00:20:02,335 --> 00:20:04,136 What about that? 461 00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:06,105 What about what? 462 00:20:06,172 --> 00:20:07,874 The doorbell. 463 00:20:07,940 --> 00:20:10,443 Alan, relax. 464 00:20:10,510 --> 00:20:13,012 Chicks are always late. 465 00:20:13,079 --> 00:20:15,315 I guess. 466 00:20:18,084 --> 00:20:19,218 Now that was the doorbell. 467 00:20:19,286 --> 00:20:21,321 Uh-huh.