1 00:00:04,305 --> 00:00:06,140 Hey. What are you doing? 2 00:00:06,207 --> 00:00:07,275 Picking out a shirt. 3 00:00:07,341 --> 00:00:08,976 Oh. That one looks nice. 4 00:00:09,043 --> 00:00:10,378 You like it? Yeah. 5 00:00:10,444 --> 00:00:12,113 Then no. 6 00:00:13,647 --> 00:00:16,750 Okay. Uh, listen, I was wondering, um... 7 00:00:16,817 --> 00:00:18,586 do you have any plans for Thanksgiving? 8 00:00:18,652 --> 00:00:21,155 Alan, I don't think that far ahead. 9 00:00:21,222 --> 00:00:22,890 It's this Thursday. 10 00:00:24,092 --> 00:00:25,226 No kidding. 11 00:00:25,293 --> 00:00:26,927 Didn't we just get through 12 00:00:26,994 --> 00:00:30,798 that whole pumpkin... the costume thing with the kid? 13 00:00:30,864 --> 00:00:31,432 Halloween? 14 00:00:31,499 --> 00:00:32,533 Yeah. 15 00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:34,535 Yeah, three weeks ago. 16 00:00:34,602 --> 00:00:37,105 Huh. Then no, I-I got no plans. Why? 17 00:00:37,171 --> 00:00:38,539 Well, I was thinking, uh, 18 00:00:38,606 --> 00:00:40,408 Jake's going to be with his mom and her parents, 19 00:00:40,474 --> 00:00:42,710 and I thought maybe you and I could do something. 20 00:00:42,776 --> 00:00:44,445 Okay. Want to go to Vegas? 21 00:00:44,512 --> 00:00:47,215 Well, I was thinking something a little more traditional. 22 00:00:48,282 --> 00:00:50,384 Reno? 23 00:00:50,451 --> 00:00:52,320 Charlie, it's a family holiday. 24 00:00:52,386 --> 00:00:53,954 Yeah, so, I'm your family... 25 00:00:54,021 --> 00:00:56,257 unless you want to spend a perfectly good Thursday 26 00:00:56,324 --> 00:00:58,092 with Mom the Impaler. 27 00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:02,130 Think we can get into the Bellagio? 28 00:01:02,196 --> 00:01:03,397 Leave it to me. 29 00:01:03,464 --> 00:01:04,798 Ooh, that one's nice. 30 00:01:09,503 --> 00:01:10,804 Here's what we'll do. 31 00:01:10,871 --> 00:01:12,973 We'll fly to Vegas, have a big steak dinner, 32 00:01:13,040 --> 00:01:15,075 get you a lap dance and a bucket of nickels. 33 00:01:15,143 --> 00:01:16,644 What are the nickels for? 34 00:01:16,710 --> 00:01:19,280 I'll explain it on the plane. 35 00:01:19,347 --> 00:01:21,115 You know, that-that sounds kind of fun. 36 00:01:21,182 --> 00:01:23,651 Two single guys rockin' out in Vegas. 37 00:01:23,717 --> 00:01:25,286 The-the glitz, the glamour... 38 00:01:25,353 --> 00:01:26,287 Dude... 39 00:01:26,354 --> 00:01:28,456 don't gay it up. 40 00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:35,863 You know, I like this shirt much better. 41 00:01:35,929 --> 00:01:38,366 Stop screwing with me, Alan. 42 00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:41,369 So, uh, who's the lucky gal? 43 00:01:41,435 --> 00:01:42,570 Remember Lisa? 44 00:01:42,636 --> 00:01:44,605 Lisa who used to live here Lisa? 45 00:01:44,672 --> 00:01:46,907 She lived here; she moved out. 46 00:01:46,974 --> 00:01:49,243 She lived here; I moved out. 47 00:01:49,310 --> 00:01:52,480 At one point, neither one of us lived here. 48 00:01:52,546 --> 00:01:53,381 Yeah, 49 00:01:53,447 --> 00:01:54,148 that Lisa. 50 00:01:54,215 --> 00:01:55,082 Wow. So she's going 51 00:01:55,149 --> 00:01:56,617 to take you back again? 52 00:01:56,684 --> 00:01:59,453 Hey, who said she's the one who broke up with... 53 00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:01,589 Yeah, I'm hoping. 54 00:02:01,655 --> 00:02:03,324 Well, good luck. 55 00:02:03,391 --> 00:02:04,592 Thanks. 56 00:02:04,658 --> 00:02:06,627 ( door shuts ) 57 00:02:06,694 --> 00:02:10,431 I've completely lost confidence in this shirt. 58 00:02:17,905 --> 00:02:19,673 Hey, Lis, sorry I'm late. 59 00:02:19,740 --> 00:02:22,710 Hey. How many times did you change your shirt 60 00:02:22,776 --> 00:02:24,312 before you left the house? 61 00:02:24,378 --> 00:02:26,647 I wanted to look pretty for you. 62 00:02:26,714 --> 00:02:29,783 You're such a girl. 63 00:02:29,850 --> 00:02:32,019 Thanks, you too. 64 00:02:32,085 --> 00:02:34,488 It's good to see you. 65 00:02:34,555 --> 00:02:36,290 It's good to see you, too. 66 00:02:39,393 --> 00:02:42,062 So... you want to just blow this place 67 00:02:42,129 --> 00:02:44,532 and get a room? 68 00:02:44,598 --> 00:02:46,367 I can't. 69 00:02:46,434 --> 00:02:47,335 Why not? 70 00:02:47,401 --> 00:02:48,702 I'm getting married. 71 00:02:50,471 --> 00:02:54,074 Yeah. Ha, ha. Me, too. 72 00:02:54,141 --> 00:02:55,843 I'm not kidding. 73 00:02:55,909 --> 00:02:58,212 You can't do that. You love me. 74 00:02:58,279 --> 00:02:59,880 That's not the point. 75 00:02:59,947 --> 00:03:01,114 I'm tired of doing 76 00:03:01,181 --> 00:03:02,450 this dance of death with you: 77 00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:04,918 hooking up, breaking up, making up... 78 00:03:04,985 --> 00:03:06,287 That's not a dance of death. 79 00:03:06,354 --> 00:03:09,857 That's... the circle of life. 80 00:03:09,923 --> 00:03:12,159 It may be your life, but it's not mine. 81 00:03:12,226 --> 00:03:13,827 Not anymore. 82 00:03:13,894 --> 00:03:15,195 I'm moving on. 83 00:03:15,263 --> 00:03:16,196 To what? 84 00:03:16,264 --> 00:03:17,831 To settling down. 85 00:03:17,898 --> 00:03:19,467 To having a family. 86 00:03:19,533 --> 00:03:22,370 To not having my heart constantly broken 87 00:03:22,436 --> 00:03:25,373 by a man who refuses to grow up. 88 00:03:25,439 --> 00:03:28,376 And that would be me? 89 00:03:28,442 --> 00:03:31,845 Yes, you, you big ass! 90 00:03:32,946 --> 00:03:35,583 But the sex was awesome, though, right? 91 00:03:36,750 --> 00:03:38,652 Yes, it was... but there's more... 92 00:03:38,719 --> 00:03:41,522 to relationships... Is it awesome with your fiancé? 93 00:03:41,589 --> 00:03:42,990 None of your business. 94 00:03:43,056 --> 00:03:45,125 It's not, is it? 95 00:03:45,192 --> 00:03:47,395 God, why did I call you? 96 00:03:47,461 --> 00:03:48,962 I'll tell you why. 97 00:03:49,029 --> 00:03:50,564 Because in your heart, 98 00:03:50,631 --> 00:03:52,766 you know you're about to make a huge mistake, 99 00:03:52,833 --> 00:03:54,768 and you want me to talk you out of it. 100 00:03:54,835 --> 00:03:58,372 No. I was hoping you and I could have some closure. 101 00:03:58,439 --> 00:04:00,474 Well, then I refer you back to my suggestion 102 00:04:00,541 --> 00:04:03,577 that we blow this place and get a room. 103 00:04:03,644 --> 00:04:06,046 Same old Charlie. 104 00:04:07,681 --> 00:04:08,949 What if I wasn't? 105 00:04:09,016 --> 00:04:10,684 Would you still be marrying this clown? 106 00:04:10,751 --> 00:04:12,119 Bo is not a clown. 107 00:04:12,185 --> 00:04:13,120 Bo? 108 00:04:13,186 --> 00:04:14,121 Bo. 109 00:04:14,187 --> 00:04:15,489 I'm sorry. 110 00:04:15,556 --> 00:04:18,025 Bo-Bo is a clown. 111 00:04:18,992 --> 00:04:21,295 Charlie, you'll never change. 112 00:04:21,362 --> 00:04:24,632 Look at you-- a grown man who can't even commit to long pants. 113 00:04:24,698 --> 00:04:26,867 Hey, I could commit to long pants. 114 00:04:26,934 --> 00:04:28,836 I was just focused on the shirt today... 115 00:04:30,037 --> 00:04:31,339 And for your information, I've gone 116 00:04:31,405 --> 00:04:32,840 through changes like you wouldn't believe 117 00:04:32,906 --> 00:04:34,375 since the last time we were together. 118 00:04:34,442 --> 00:04:35,509 Like what? 119 00:04:35,576 --> 00:04:39,146 Well... I have a kid now. 120 00:04:39,212 --> 00:04:40,548 Oh, God, Charlie, 121 00:04:40,614 --> 00:04:42,716 what poor girl did you knock up? 122 00:04:43,617 --> 00:04:44,852 No, no, no. It's my nephew. 123 00:04:44,918 --> 00:04:46,920 He and my brother are living with me now. 124 00:04:46,987 --> 00:04:48,889 I'm, like, Mr. Family Guy. 125 00:04:48,956 --> 00:04:51,592 Yeah, right. Family Guy. 126 00:04:51,659 --> 00:04:53,293 How's it going with your mom? 127 00:04:53,361 --> 00:04:56,830 What the hell's my mom got to do with family? 128 00:04:57,965 --> 00:04:59,700 Come on, Charlie. 129 00:04:59,767 --> 00:05:02,336 We both know you'll never have a successful relationship 130 00:05:02,403 --> 00:05:04,304 with any woman, let alone me, 131 00:05:04,372 --> 00:05:07,074 until you resolve your issues with your mother. 132 00:05:07,140 --> 00:05:10,978 Well... as a matter of fact, 133 00:05:11,044 --> 00:05:13,013 it just so happens, 134 00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:15,282 on that note, since you mentioned it... 135 00:05:17,050 --> 00:05:19,219 ...those issues are resolved. 136 00:05:19,286 --> 00:05:20,020 Really. 137 00:05:20,087 --> 00:05:21,822 How'd that happen? 138 00:05:22,723 --> 00:05:25,025 You know, uh... communication, 139 00:05:25,092 --> 00:05:29,062 self-reflection, personal growth, crap like that. 140 00:05:30,464 --> 00:05:33,066 The important thing is I now have 141 00:05:33,133 --> 00:05:34,902 a much deeper appreciation for-- 142 00:05:34,968 --> 00:05:37,538 what do you call 'em-- traditional values. 143 00:05:37,605 --> 00:05:39,573 Traditional values? 144 00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:41,942 This from a guy who offered my sister a car 145 00:05:42,009 --> 00:05:44,111 if she'd come to bed with us? 146 00:05:46,980 --> 00:05:49,349 It was a joke, and I was drunk... 147 00:05:50,984 --> 00:05:53,621 ...but still, it shows a yearning for family. 148 00:05:55,989 --> 00:05:58,225 Okay, this is going nowhere. 149 00:05:58,291 --> 00:06:00,260 Lisa, wait. I'm-I'm-I'm sorry. 150 00:06:00,327 --> 00:06:03,230 I-I don't want you to not be in my life anymore. 151 00:06:03,296 --> 00:06:04,965 I'd-I'd like us to be friends. 152 00:06:05,032 --> 00:06:06,400 I'd like that, too. 153 00:06:06,467 --> 00:06:08,602 Good. So when are you getting married? 154 00:06:08,669 --> 00:06:10,638 Well, we haven't set a date. 155 00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:13,441 We're going to talk about it when Bo gets back from New York on Monday. 156 00:06:13,507 --> 00:06:16,009 Oh, so, you're all alone for Thanksgiving? 157 00:06:16,076 --> 00:06:17,511 Yeah. Why? 158 00:06:23,551 --> 00:06:25,218 Change of plans. 159 00:06:25,285 --> 00:06:28,622 * Men... * 160 00:06:35,062 --> 00:06:37,765 We're going to have a big family dinner right here. 161 00:06:37,831 --> 00:06:39,199 Uh-huh, and whose big family 162 00:06:39,266 --> 00:06:41,902 were you planning on inviting? 163 00:06:41,969 --> 00:06:44,605 You know, you, me, Jake, Mom, turkey, 164 00:06:44,672 --> 00:06:46,039 just like the good old days. 165 00:06:46,106 --> 00:06:47,941 What good old days? 166 00:06:48,008 --> 00:06:49,610 It's just an expression. 167 00:06:49,677 --> 00:06:50,911 Don't get hung up on it. 168 00:06:50,978 --> 00:06:52,613 Oh, and Lisa might come. 169 00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:54,982 Okay, what's going on? 170 00:06:55,048 --> 00:06:56,984 I need to show Lisa that I'm a family guy. 171 00:06:57,050 --> 00:06:59,687 But you're not. 172 00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:01,455 That's not the point. 173 00:07:01,522 --> 00:07:03,457 She's about to go off and marry some jerk 174 00:07:03,524 --> 00:07:06,460 just because he loves her and wants to settle down. 175 00:07:06,527 --> 00:07:08,128 Oh, I get it. 176 00:07:08,195 --> 00:07:10,130 You're Satan. 177 00:07:11,031 --> 00:07:12,633 Alan, this is serious. 178 00:07:12,700 --> 00:07:14,635 I could lose her forever. 179 00:07:14,702 --> 00:07:17,571 Wow... and you care? 180 00:07:17,638 --> 00:07:18,839 I love her, Alan. 181 00:07:18,906 --> 00:07:20,340 She's the only one I ever thought 182 00:07:20,407 --> 00:07:22,876 I might eventually wind up with. 183 00:07:22,943 --> 00:07:25,513 "Eventually wind up with." 184 00:07:26,714 --> 00:07:28,682 I'm touched. 185 00:07:28,749 --> 00:07:30,250 So, you want to, what, 186 00:07:30,317 --> 00:07:31,985 keep her warming up in your bullpen 187 00:07:32,052 --> 00:07:37,157 until the bottom of the ninth, when you lose your... arm? 188 00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:42,162 Okay, I don't know how we got onto sports... 189 00:07:43,430 --> 00:07:45,533 ...but the thing is I really care for Lisa, 190 00:07:45,599 --> 00:07:47,968 and she needs to believe I'm capable of changing. 191 00:07:48,035 --> 00:07:51,371 Ah, but the thing is you're not. 192 00:07:51,438 --> 00:07:52,773 We don't know that. 193 00:07:52,840 --> 00:07:54,274 I might be. 194 00:07:54,341 --> 00:07:57,144 Who knows what would happen if I actually tried? 195 00:07:57,210 --> 00:07:58,679 You're-you're really serious about this. 196 00:07:58,746 --> 00:08:03,150 Alan, I've got a 200-pound turkey melting in my lap. 197 00:08:03,216 --> 00:08:04,585 What do you think? 198 00:08:04,652 --> 00:08:06,954 Okay, okay. How-how can I help? 199 00:08:07,020 --> 00:08:08,589 Well, obviously, we can't have 200 00:08:08,656 --> 00:08:10,791 a family Thanksgiving without a kid, 201 00:08:10,858 --> 00:08:14,027 so you need to get Jake back from your wife. 202 00:08:14,094 --> 00:08:16,296 Simple as that, huh? 203 00:08:16,363 --> 00:08:18,799 Okay, so-so I go to Judith, and I say, 204 00:08:18,866 --> 00:08:21,535 "Forget the fact that we agreed on a custody schedule. 205 00:08:21,602 --> 00:08:23,503 "Forget the fact that your parents are driving 206 00:08:23,571 --> 00:08:26,006 "all the way from Sacramento to spend time with their grandson. 207 00:08:26,073 --> 00:08:28,842 "Uh, Charlie needs to use our son as a prop 208 00:08:28,909 --> 00:08:31,979 "so that he can maintain an on-again off-again relationship 209 00:08:32,045 --> 00:08:36,784 with a woman with whom he might eventually wind up." 210 00:08:37,885 --> 00:08:38,919 You know what? 211 00:08:38,986 --> 00:08:40,387 I'll talk to her. Yeah. 212 00:08:40,453 --> 00:08:41,321 No way in hell. 213 00:08:41,388 --> 00:08:42,322 Are you insane? 214 00:08:42,389 --> 00:08:43,724 What's wrong with you? 215 00:08:43,791 --> 00:08:45,893 Okay, maybe I didn't explain it correctly. 216 00:08:45,959 --> 00:08:47,094 You explained it fine. 217 00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:48,896 You're not taking Jake for Thanksgiving. 218 00:08:48,962 --> 00:08:51,398 Not just Jake. You can come, too, and your parents. 219 00:08:51,464 --> 00:08:54,201 Think of it: the whole family, just like the good old days. 220 00:08:54,267 --> 00:08:55,903 What good old days? 221 00:08:55,969 --> 00:08:59,372 Geez, why is everybody so damn literal? 222 00:08:59,439 --> 00:09:02,042 Look, Judith, what is Thanksgiving about 223 00:09:02,109 --> 00:09:03,410 if not family, 224 00:09:03,476 --> 00:09:04,778 and wouldn't it be good for Jake 225 00:09:04,845 --> 00:09:06,580 to spend Thanksgiving with his whole family, 226 00:09:06,647 --> 00:09:09,016 because that's what Thanksgiving is about: 227 00:09:09,082 --> 00:09:12,720 family... and stuff. 228 00:09:13,520 --> 00:09:14,855 I don't know. 229 00:09:14,922 --> 00:09:16,523 And you wouldn't have to lift a finger. 230 00:09:16,590 --> 00:09:18,291 I'll have someone there to do the cooking, 231 00:09:18,358 --> 00:09:19,492 the serving, and the cleaning. 232 00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:20,393 Really? Who? 233 00:09:20,460 --> 00:09:22,029 My housekeeper, Berta. 234 00:09:22,095 --> 00:09:25,265 She's a saint, and she's really looking forward to this. 235 00:09:25,332 --> 00:09:27,735 No way in hell. Are you insane? 236 00:09:27,801 --> 00:09:29,136 What's wrong with you? 237 00:09:29,202 --> 00:09:30,570 Come on. 238 00:09:30,638 --> 00:09:32,405 I don't work holidays, Charlie. 239 00:09:32,472 --> 00:09:33,573 Please? 240 00:09:33,641 --> 00:09:34,608 I got a life, you know. 241 00:09:34,675 --> 00:09:35,943 Pretty please? 242 00:09:36,009 --> 00:09:38,211 My brother is in the Witness Protection Program, 243 00:09:38,278 --> 00:09:40,748 and I've been invited to spend Thanksgiving with him 244 00:09:40,814 --> 00:09:43,250 at an undisclosed location. 245 00:09:44,351 --> 00:09:45,919 I'll give you $1,000. 246 00:09:45,986 --> 00:09:46,720 Done. 247 00:09:48,989 --> 00:09:50,991 ( doorbell rings ) 248 00:09:53,627 --> 00:09:55,729 Hi. You must be Jake. 249 00:09:55,796 --> 00:09:57,731 Yes, I am. My wonderful Uncle Charlie 250 00:09:57,798 --> 00:09:59,633 has opened his home to me and my father 251 00:09:59,700 --> 00:10:01,869 'cause we had nowhere else to go. 252 00:10:06,173 --> 00:10:08,842 Hey-hey, merry Thanksgiving! 253 00:10:13,781 --> 00:10:16,216 I like what you've done with the place. 254 00:10:16,283 --> 00:10:17,384 You picked out everything here. 255 00:10:18,085 --> 00:10:19,386 I know. 256 00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:21,021 I just wanted to make sure you did. 257 00:10:23,724 --> 00:10:24,925 Charlie, I've got to admit, 258 00:10:24,992 --> 00:10:26,393 I never thought I'd see the day 259 00:10:26,459 --> 00:10:28,595 when you'd be hosting a family Thanksgiving. 260 00:10:28,662 --> 00:10:29,763 Well, like I've been telling you, 261 00:10:29,830 --> 00:10:30,931 I've changed. 262 00:10:30,998 --> 00:10:32,432 So, with that in mind, 263 00:10:32,499 --> 00:10:34,768 you want to blow this place and get a room? 264 00:10:34,835 --> 00:10:36,670 Charlie, stop it. 265 00:10:36,737 --> 00:10:38,171 Come on, introduce me. 266 00:10:38,238 --> 00:10:39,339 Fine. 267 00:10:39,406 --> 00:10:42,676 Lisa, this is Judith, my former sister-in-law, 268 00:10:42,743 --> 00:10:44,611 but still, you know, family. 269 00:10:44,678 --> 00:10:45,779 Hi. Nice to meet you. 270 00:10:45,846 --> 00:10:47,247 Nice to meet you. 271 00:10:47,314 --> 00:10:49,382 And these, of course, are her wonderful parents, 272 00:10:49,449 --> 00:10:50,550 Sherman and Lorraine. 273 00:10:50,617 --> 00:10:52,019 Sheldon and Lenore. 274 00:10:52,085 --> 00:10:53,553 Sheldon and Lenore. 275 00:10:53,620 --> 00:10:55,288 CHARLIE: It's great to see you, folks. 276 00:10:55,355 --> 00:10:57,657 So, Shelley, how are you liking California? 277 00:10:57,725 --> 00:10:59,693 We live in California. 278 00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:02,029 So you must really like it. 279 00:11:02,095 --> 00:11:03,764 ALAN: Hi, Lisa. 280 00:11:03,831 --> 00:11:05,132 So nice to see you again. 281 00:11:05,198 --> 00:11:06,633 Hi, Alan. Long time. 282 00:11:06,700 --> 00:11:07,868 See, isn't this great? 283 00:11:07,935 --> 00:11:09,770 This is why we all come together. 284 00:11:09,837 --> 00:11:11,872 We break up, we make up, but in the end, 285 00:11:11,939 --> 00:11:15,075 the love is the love, and the family is the family. 286 00:11:15,142 --> 00:11:19,046 Ease up on the wine, Charlie. 287 00:11:19,112 --> 00:11:20,380 No, he's right, and Alan, 288 00:11:20,447 --> 00:11:21,982 Sheldon and I want you to know 289 00:11:22,049 --> 00:11:24,017 that even though you and our daughter 290 00:11:24,084 --> 00:11:25,252 are no longer married, 291 00:11:25,318 --> 00:11:27,420 we will always think of you as our son. 292 00:11:27,487 --> 00:11:29,857 What the hell is that supposed to mean, Ma? 293 00:11:29,923 --> 00:11:32,893 It means that even though you loused up your marriage, 294 00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:34,327 we still love him. 295 00:11:34,394 --> 00:11:36,696 Oh, thanks a lot, Dad, I appreciate the blame. 296 00:11:36,764 --> 00:11:38,265 This is really Judith's family. 297 00:11:38,331 --> 00:11:39,632 Let's go find mine. 298 00:11:42,135 --> 00:11:44,037 Hey, Berta, look who's here. 299 00:11:44,104 --> 00:11:45,338 Hi, Berta. 300 00:11:45,405 --> 00:11:48,742 Oh, honey, don't tell me you're back here again. 301 00:11:48,809 --> 00:11:50,310 Don't you ever learn? 302 00:11:51,311 --> 00:11:53,680 As a matter of fact, I think I have. 303 00:11:53,747 --> 00:11:54,782 Good for you. 304 00:11:54,848 --> 00:11:56,817 You can do so much better. 305 00:12:00,420 --> 00:12:03,656 And remember, you may have two grandmothers, 306 00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:06,493 but only one of them has enough money 307 00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:08,328 to send you to medical school. 308 00:12:08,395 --> 00:12:10,964 What if I don't want to go to medical school? 309 00:12:11,031 --> 00:12:13,600 Well, then, you break your grandmommy's heart, 310 00:12:13,666 --> 00:12:15,335 just like your father did. 311 00:12:15,402 --> 00:12:16,669 Dad's a doctor. 312 00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:18,872 No, sweetheart. 313 00:12:18,939 --> 00:12:21,374 Your father's a chiropractor. 314 00:12:21,441 --> 00:12:24,444 That's a masseuse without the hot oil. 315 00:12:24,511 --> 00:12:26,079 Go play with your friends. 316 00:12:26,146 --> 00:12:27,514 I'm the only kid here. 317 00:12:27,580 --> 00:12:30,851 Well, you might want to think about why that is. 318 00:12:33,854 --> 00:12:36,123 I want more money. 319 00:12:37,524 --> 00:12:38,558 Hey, Mom. 320 00:12:38,625 --> 00:12:39,626 You remember Lisa, right? 321 00:12:39,692 --> 00:12:40,961 We used to live together. 322 00:12:41,028 --> 00:12:43,430 Oh, no, I don't. I'm sorry. 323 00:12:43,496 --> 00:12:44,631 Hello, dear. 324 00:12:44,697 --> 00:12:48,001 My son has had so many little roommates. 325 00:12:49,202 --> 00:12:51,071 I just hope you've got better taste 326 00:12:51,138 --> 00:12:55,242 than the one who picked out his hideous furniture. 327 00:12:57,544 --> 00:13:00,013 Hey, who's got unresolved issues with her now? 328 00:13:01,614 --> 00:13:05,018 Did it ever occur to you that you might want to support me, 329 00:13:05,085 --> 00:13:06,253 your daughter? 330 00:13:06,319 --> 00:13:09,256 Well, why can't we support Alan, too? 331 00:13:09,322 --> 00:13:11,158 Because I'm divorcing him. 332 00:13:11,224 --> 00:13:13,726 Well, who told you to go and do that? 333 00:13:15,228 --> 00:13:17,564 It's very sweet of you to go to all this trouble, 334 00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:18,832 but who are you kidding? 335 00:13:18,899 --> 00:13:21,501 The plaid shirt, the sweater vest, 336 00:13:21,568 --> 00:13:22,702 the kid actor? 337 00:13:22,769 --> 00:13:25,305 No, no, no, that's really my nephew. 338 00:13:25,372 --> 00:13:26,539 I love you, Charlie, 339 00:13:26,606 --> 00:13:29,076 but you're not going to change my mind. 340 00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:31,144 Live with me. 341 00:13:31,211 --> 00:13:32,245 Charlie... 342 00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:33,881 No, I'm serious. Move back in. 343 00:13:33,947 --> 00:13:35,382 Really? And then what? 344 00:13:35,448 --> 00:13:38,118 And then... we'll see. 345 00:13:38,185 --> 00:13:40,988 Wow. A commitment to see. 346 00:13:41,054 --> 00:13:45,525 And what finger does that ring go on, Charlie? 347 00:13:45,592 --> 00:13:46,593 You know what I mean. 348 00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:48,095 I know exactly what you mean. 349 00:13:48,161 --> 00:13:50,964 You want me to waste a couple more years of my life 350 00:13:51,031 --> 00:13:53,633 on a relationship that's absolutely doomed to fail. 351 00:13:53,700 --> 00:13:55,468 Not your life-- 352 00:13:55,535 --> 00:13:58,171 our life. 353 00:13:58,238 --> 00:14:00,573 Uh, look, I-I appreciate your-your feelings for me, 354 00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:02,242 but I have to tell you, 355 00:14:02,309 --> 00:14:05,378 I really think y-your daughter deserves a lot of respect. 356 00:14:05,445 --> 00:14:06,914 I mean, it takes real courage 357 00:14:06,980 --> 00:14:08,148 to make changes in your life 358 00:14:08,215 --> 00:14:10,050 and not worry about what everybody thinks. 359 00:14:10,117 --> 00:14:10,683 Thank you, Alan. 360 00:14:10,750 --> 00:14:12,052 That's true. 361 00:14:12,119 --> 00:14:14,421 The lesbians of my generation were too scared 362 00:14:14,487 --> 00:14:15,923 to come out of the closet. 363 00:14:22,862 --> 00:14:24,731 Does that mean what I think it means? 364 00:14:24,797 --> 00:14:26,099 You haven't told them? 365 00:14:26,166 --> 00:14:28,368 No. I thought it would be more appropriate 366 00:14:28,435 --> 00:14:30,971 coming from your mother! 367 00:14:32,405 --> 00:14:33,473 Oh, I'm sorry. 368 00:14:33,540 --> 00:14:36,176 Did I faux pas? 369 00:14:36,243 --> 00:14:38,845 ( all arguing ) 370 00:14:47,454 --> 00:14:50,190 Happy Thanksgiving. 371 00:14:50,257 --> 00:14:53,460 Sorry I'm late, but I didn't realize you were having a party. 372 00:14:54,527 --> 00:14:56,196 Hi, I'm Rose. Hi. 373 00:14:56,263 --> 00:14:58,531 Don't worry, Charlie and I had sex once, 374 00:14:58,598 --> 00:14:59,866 but now we're just friends. 375 00:15:01,034 --> 00:15:03,303 Who's ready for mystery pie? 376 00:15:04,871 --> 00:15:06,273 If you were living here, 377 00:15:06,339 --> 00:15:08,976 these kinds of things probably wouldn't happen. 378 00:15:17,584 --> 00:15:19,619 Here it is. 379 00:15:24,357 --> 00:15:26,026 Ooh, Berta, nice-looking bird. 380 00:15:26,093 --> 00:15:27,995 Thanks for blowing off your family 381 00:15:28,061 --> 00:15:29,529 and cooking for ours. 382 00:15:30,797 --> 00:15:32,599 Shove over. 383 00:15:34,067 --> 00:15:36,169 Are we going to go around the table 384 00:15:36,236 --> 00:15:38,438 and say what we're thankful for? 385 00:15:39,939 --> 00:15:40,807 Ooh, ooh, me. 386 00:15:40,873 --> 00:15:41,774 I got one. 387 00:15:41,841 --> 00:15:43,043 ( clears throat ) 388 00:15:43,110 --> 00:15:45,412 I'm thankful for the food we eat 389 00:15:45,478 --> 00:15:47,380 and thankful for the friends we meet. 390 00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:50,317 I'm thankful for my comfy seat. 391 00:15:50,383 --> 00:15:52,552 I'm thankful for... 392 00:15:52,619 --> 00:15:54,654 the birdie's feet. 393 00:15:56,389 --> 00:15:58,425 * White with foam 394 00:15:58,491 --> 00:15:59,959 * God bless America...* 395 00:16:00,027 --> 00:16:01,161 Pull up, Rose. 396 00:16:01,228 --> 00:16:02,262 Sorry. 397 00:16:03,696 --> 00:16:05,365 Jake, why-why don't you go? 398 00:16:05,432 --> 00:16:09,136 Okay. I'm thankful for my mom and dad and my Uncle Charlie 399 00:16:09,202 --> 00:16:11,804 who has shown in the few short months 400 00:16:11,871 --> 00:16:15,108 that I've been here that he is capable of sig... 401 00:16:15,175 --> 00:16:17,810 Significant. 402 00:16:17,877 --> 00:16:21,281 Significant change and growth. 403 00:16:23,950 --> 00:16:24,584 Too obvious? 404 00:16:24,651 --> 00:16:26,286 Little bit. 405 00:16:26,353 --> 00:16:30,990 Okay, uh, well, I'm thankful that I can spend the holiday 406 00:16:31,058 --> 00:16:35,195 with, uh, all the people I love and all the people who love me. 407 00:16:36,363 --> 00:16:38,165 And Judith. 408 00:16:41,034 --> 00:16:43,002 I'm thankful I'll be dead someday, 409 00:16:43,070 --> 00:16:46,239 and you'll all feel horrible you weren't nicer to me. 410 00:16:49,642 --> 00:16:51,244 And I'm thankful that our daughter 411 00:16:51,311 --> 00:16:54,181 gave us at least one grandchild before she... 412 00:16:55,248 --> 00:16:58,418 ( sobbing ) 413 00:16:58,485 --> 00:17:00,720 I'm thankful I finally found a therapist 414 00:17:00,787 --> 00:17:02,089 who has no compunction 415 00:17:02,155 --> 00:17:03,756 about prescribing powerful sedatives. 416 00:17:03,823 --> 00:17:05,192 Well, I'm thankful 417 00:17:05,258 --> 00:17:07,394 I can sit here and listen to you rich people whine 418 00:17:07,460 --> 00:17:09,729 while my family's scrambling for a corn dog 419 00:17:09,796 --> 00:17:11,264 at the Pomona Fairgrounds. 420 00:17:16,669 --> 00:17:19,072 Charlie? 421 00:17:19,139 --> 00:17:21,941 No, you first. 422 00:17:22,008 --> 00:17:25,912 Um... well, I'm thankful for you. 423 00:17:27,013 --> 00:17:28,981 And I hope you'll always be my friend. 424 00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:33,286 Okay. Well, I'm thankful for you, too. 425 00:17:33,353 --> 00:17:37,224 And I'm thankful for everybody coming together today 426 00:17:37,290 --> 00:17:41,228 as unwitting participants in my desperate charade. 427 00:17:43,730 --> 00:17:45,232 Amen. 428 00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:50,337 Okay, maybe I should carve the turkey. 429 00:17:50,403 --> 00:17:51,638 I'll handle that for you, son. 430 00:17:51,704 --> 00:17:53,340 No, you both sit down. I'll do it. 431 00:17:53,406 --> 00:17:54,607 No, Mom, I can do it. 432 00:17:54,674 --> 00:17:56,543 Oh, now, don't be ridiculous. No, Mom. 433 00:17:56,609 --> 00:17:58,845 ( all talking simultaneously ) 434 00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:01,648 Okay, everybody, stop! 435 00:18:01,714 --> 00:18:04,351 Mom, give me the knife. 436 00:18:04,417 --> 00:18:05,818 Charlie, don't be silly. 437 00:18:05,885 --> 00:18:08,488 You don't know how to carve a turkey. 438 00:18:08,555 --> 00:18:10,690 Maybe not, but I'm the head of this household, 439 00:18:10,757 --> 00:18:13,693 and the head of the household is supposed to carve the turkey. 440 00:18:13,760 --> 00:18:15,962 Why, because you saw it on some TV show? 441 00:18:16,028 --> 00:18:18,598 I swear, you are just like your father. 442 00:18:18,665 --> 00:18:20,600 No, I am not just like my father. 443 00:18:20,667 --> 00:18:23,136 My father was afraid of you, and I'm not! 444 00:18:24,271 --> 00:18:26,273 Anymore. 445 00:18:26,339 --> 00:18:29,976 Okay, there was one unresolved issue. 446 00:18:30,042 --> 00:18:31,844 Charlie, now you're being foolish. 447 00:18:31,911 --> 00:18:33,546 Give me the knife and sit down. 448 00:18:33,613 --> 00:18:35,047 Back off, lady! 449 00:18:37,184 --> 00:18:40,052 Every Thanksgiving you took the knife 450 00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:41,788 away from Dad, and when you did that, 451 00:18:41,854 --> 00:18:44,023 you took away his manhood. 452 00:18:44,090 --> 00:18:46,926 Well, you're not going to take it away from me! 453 00:18:46,993 --> 00:18:48,628 There! See?! 454 00:18:48,695 --> 00:18:50,197 It's carved. 455 00:18:51,030 --> 00:18:52,632 It's carved! 456 00:18:52,699 --> 00:18:56,403 It's carved... with my manhood! 457 00:19:01,541 --> 00:19:04,711 I don't think I'm very hungry anymore. 458 00:19:04,777 --> 00:19:06,346 Lisa, marry me. 459 00:19:06,413 --> 00:19:07,514 Marry you? 460 00:19:07,580 --> 00:19:09,616 You want me to marry you? 461 00:19:09,682 --> 00:19:12,018 Yes! You know... 462 00:19:12,084 --> 00:19:13,553 eventually. 463 00:19:23,363 --> 00:19:26,199 No, I'm fine. 464 00:19:26,266 --> 00:19:28,201 So, are you going to invite me to your wedding? 465 00:19:28,268 --> 00:19:29,669 Charlie... 466 00:19:29,736 --> 00:19:32,539 Will you at least call me when you get divorced? 467 00:19:32,605 --> 00:19:34,707 You'll be first on my list. 468 00:19:39,479 --> 00:19:43,283 For what it's worth, I do love you. 469 00:19:43,350 --> 00:19:44,951 I know that. 470 00:19:48,588 --> 00:19:50,122 Best of luck. 471 00:19:50,189 --> 00:19:51,758 Thank you. 472 00:19:52,625 --> 00:19:54,561 You look good in long pants. 473 00:19:57,096 --> 00:19:59,232 Thanks. 474 00:20:26,526 --> 00:20:28,094 ALAN: Charlie? 475 00:20:32,332 --> 00:20:34,467 W-W-We're still eating.