1 00:00:01,302 --> 00:00:07,575 ( plays melody from Beethoven's Fifth Symphony) 2 00:00:07,641 --> 00:00:10,644 * If you've got bugs 3 00:00:10,711 --> 00:00:13,714 * If you've got ants 4 00:00:13,781 --> 00:00:15,116 * If you've got bugs and flies 5 00:00:15,183 --> 00:00:18,452 * And slugs and things that crawl... * 6 00:00:20,954 --> 00:00:22,556 We're here. 7 00:00:22,623 --> 00:00:23,624 Mom, come see my room. 8 00:00:23,691 --> 00:00:24,625 I'll be right there, honey. 9 00:00:24,692 --> 00:00:25,759 Hey, Uncle Charlie. 10 00:00:25,826 --> 00:00:26,960 Hi, shorty. 11 00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:28,262 Hello, Charlie. 12 00:00:28,329 --> 00:00:30,198 Hey, Judith. What are you doing here? 13 00:00:30,264 --> 00:00:31,865 If you must know, 14 00:00:31,932 --> 00:00:33,134 I'm here to help Jake set up his room 15 00:00:33,201 --> 00:00:34,268 so he feels like nothing's changed. 16 00:00:34,335 --> 00:00:35,903 Really? 17 00:00:35,969 --> 00:00:39,039 You don't think he'll notice that his Dad's living here 18 00:00:39,107 --> 00:00:40,308 and his Mom's dating chicks? 19 00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:42,176 Could you say that a little louder? 20 00:00:42,243 --> 00:00:43,611 Jake might not have heard you. 21 00:00:43,677 --> 00:00:44,978 And just for the record, I'm not dating anyone 22 00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:46,414 and I threw your brother out 23 00:00:46,480 --> 00:00:48,216 'cause he was sucking the life out of me. 24 00:00:49,650 --> 00:00:53,020 Could you say that a little louder? 25 00:00:53,087 --> 00:00:54,922 Uncle Charlie hasn't met Porky yet. 26 00:00:54,988 --> 00:00:58,892 I don't suppose that's a Rubenesque 19-year-old girl. 27 00:00:58,959 --> 00:01:00,294 Porky's his pet guinea pig. 28 00:01:01,495 --> 00:01:04,265 You're bringing vermin into my house? 29 00:01:04,332 --> 00:01:07,568 Uncle Charlie, check him out. Isn't he awesome? 30 00:01:07,635 --> 00:01:08,436 Yeah. 31 00:01:08,502 --> 00:01:10,003 See those little black things? 32 00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:13,507 That's his poop. 33 00:01:13,574 --> 00:01:14,842 Awesome. 34 00:01:16,277 --> 00:01:18,112 I don't want him in the water this weekend. 35 00:01:18,179 --> 00:01:19,480 He might have an ear infection. 36 00:01:19,547 --> 00:01:21,081 Oh, Mom. 37 00:01:21,149 --> 00:01:22,550 Oh, no, it's okay, pal. 38 00:01:22,616 --> 00:01:25,085 We can go to Disneyland. We'll have a great weekend. 39 00:01:25,153 --> 00:01:27,087 We can, we can play miniature golf, 40 00:01:27,155 --> 00:01:28,021 we can go bowling, bike riding, 41 00:01:28,088 --> 00:01:29,290 whatever you want. 42 00:01:29,357 --> 00:01:30,924 Alan, relax, you're starting to sound 43 00:01:30,991 --> 00:01:32,526 like a tampon commercial. 44 00:01:36,697 --> 00:01:39,066 Jake, why don't you go put Porky in your room? 45 00:01:39,133 --> 00:01:40,701 Okay. 46 00:01:40,768 --> 00:01:41,902 Alan, I'm very concerned. 47 00:01:41,969 --> 00:01:43,271 He's just a child. 48 00:01:43,337 --> 00:01:44,772 I don't know if he can deal with this. 49 00:01:44,838 --> 00:01:47,875 Give your son some credit. He's an incredible kid. 50 00:01:47,941 --> 00:01:49,777 I was talking about you. 51 00:01:51,011 --> 00:01:52,480 That's fair. 52 00:01:52,546 --> 00:01:53,814 Yeah. 53 00:01:53,881 --> 00:01:57,318 * Men... 54 00:02:14,935 --> 00:02:16,704 Charlie? 55 00:02:16,770 --> 00:02:21,275 That strange lady from down the beach is back. 56 00:02:21,342 --> 00:02:24,745 Oh, yeah, she's here to baby-sit. 57 00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:29,016 Come again? 58 00:02:29,082 --> 00:02:30,651 Thought we'd go out and have a drink. 59 00:02:30,718 --> 00:02:33,754 You want me to leave my son 60 00:02:33,821 --> 00:02:35,189 with the whack job who's been stalking you 61 00:02:35,256 --> 00:02:36,724 since your one-night stand? 62 00:02:36,790 --> 00:02:40,294 Hey, you try and find a baby-sitter on a Friday night. 63 00:02:40,361 --> 00:02:42,596 It's okay, Alan. 64 00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:44,698 Charlie and I talked and I understand 65 00:02:44,765 --> 00:02:47,501 that we're just friends, and that it's not okay 66 00:02:47,568 --> 00:02:48,969 for me to sneak into his house 67 00:02:49,036 --> 00:02:50,238 and lick all his silverware. 68 00:02:57,311 --> 00:02:59,713 As reassuring as that sounds, 69 00:02:59,780 --> 00:03:00,914 we can't go out tonight. 70 00:03:00,981 --> 00:03:02,950 We're getting up early to go to Disneyland. 71 00:03:03,016 --> 00:03:04,184 We? 72 00:03:04,252 --> 00:03:05,786 Yeah. 73 00:03:05,853 --> 00:03:07,321 I thought maybe you'd want to come with us. 74 00:03:07,388 --> 00:03:09,056 Alan, I'm not thrilled about having 75 00:03:09,122 --> 00:03:11,259 one small rodent in my house. 76 00:03:11,325 --> 00:03:13,894 Why would I drive 50 miles to see their kingdom? 77 00:03:15,863 --> 00:03:17,898 I'll go! I'll go! 78 00:03:19,199 --> 00:03:20,701 Maybe some other time, Rose. 79 00:03:20,768 --> 00:03:21,869 And it turns out, 80 00:03:21,935 --> 00:03:23,671 we're not going to need a baby-sitter tonight. 81 00:03:23,737 --> 00:03:24,838 No problem. 82 00:03:24,905 --> 00:03:26,940 I'm going to take this seat cushion, okay? 83 00:03:29,076 --> 00:03:31,379 Knock yourself out. 84 00:03:32,780 --> 00:03:34,715 Why does she want your seat cushion? 85 00:03:34,782 --> 00:03:36,384 I don't know why she brought it, 86 00:03:36,450 --> 00:03:38,452 I don't know why she's taking it. 87 00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:43,090 Okay, then, I'll see you later. 88 00:03:43,156 --> 00:03:44,325 You're still going out? 89 00:03:44,392 --> 00:03:46,126 Yeah. Why? 90 00:03:46,193 --> 00:03:49,096 I thought you wanted us to spend some time together. 91 00:03:49,162 --> 00:03:51,465 Here? 92 00:03:51,532 --> 00:03:52,700 Yeah. 93 00:03:53,901 --> 00:03:55,503 Okay. 94 00:04:12,653 --> 00:04:14,955 What were you thinking? Ten, 15 minutes? 95 00:04:15,022 --> 00:04:16,590 Go. Thanks. 96 00:04:24,932 --> 00:04:26,934 ( Jake in cartoon voice ): Good morning, Uncle Charlie. 97 00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:29,670 Morning, Porky. 98 00:04:29,737 --> 00:04:31,939 Did you have sweet dreams? 99 00:04:33,974 --> 00:04:36,344 Jake, rule number one. 100 00:04:36,410 --> 00:04:38,412 Uncle Charlie does not like to start his day 101 00:04:38,479 --> 00:04:40,113 with a squealing creature in his face. 102 00:04:40,180 --> 00:04:41,949 Sorry. 103 00:04:42,015 --> 00:04:43,016 Grandma's here. 104 00:04:43,083 --> 00:04:44,217 She wants you to come down. 105 00:04:44,284 --> 00:04:46,887 Okay, you're not listening. 106 00:04:46,954 --> 00:04:49,022 Rule number one... 107 00:04:51,091 --> 00:04:52,192 This is a list of the top 108 00:04:52,259 --> 00:04:53,727 divorce attorneys in Los Angeles. 109 00:04:53,794 --> 00:04:55,763 I've made appointments for you with each of them. 110 00:04:55,829 --> 00:04:57,565 Mom, I don't need to meet any attorneys. 111 00:04:57,631 --> 00:04:58,732 I'm not getting a divorce. 112 00:04:58,799 --> 00:05:01,902 I'm sure you don't think so. 113 00:05:04,004 --> 00:05:08,075 The point is, if you consult with all the good lawyers, 114 00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:09,109 it's a conflict of interest 115 00:05:09,176 --> 00:05:10,778 for them to represent Judith. 116 00:05:10,844 --> 00:05:12,846 She'll be stuck with some ambulance-chasing clown 117 00:05:12,913 --> 00:05:16,116 from Van Nuys who will fold like an origami swan. 118 00:05:16,183 --> 00:05:17,818 Look, I don't want this to be... 119 00:05:17,885 --> 00:05:21,489 Mommy busted her hump on this, Alan. 120 00:05:23,757 --> 00:05:24,958 Thank you? 121 00:05:26,694 --> 00:05:28,028 Morning. 122 00:05:29,897 --> 00:05:33,701 Is that all you have to say for yourself? 123 00:05:33,767 --> 00:05:36,637 You haven't returned any of my calls this week. 124 00:05:36,704 --> 00:05:38,572 It's all I can do to not imagine you 125 00:05:38,639 --> 00:05:40,541 lying dead in a ditch somewhere. 126 00:05:42,510 --> 00:05:45,045 Right back at you, Mom. 127 00:05:48,482 --> 00:05:49,783 What did you want to talk about? 128 00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:51,952 You're too late. I'm not speaking to you. 129 00:05:52,019 --> 00:05:53,353 All right. 130 00:05:53,421 --> 00:05:54,755 Would you like to know why? 131 00:05:54,822 --> 00:05:57,725 No, I trust your judgment. 132 00:05:57,791 --> 00:06:00,928 Because when your brother's marriage ended... 133 00:06:00,994 --> 00:06:04,331 Yes, I know, Alan, blah, blah, blah. 134 00:06:04,398 --> 00:06:06,834 ...and he chose to move in here, 135 00:06:06,900 --> 00:06:08,669 your coldness towards your mother 136 00:06:08,736 --> 00:06:10,370 became more than just the behavior 137 00:06:10,438 --> 00:06:11,772 of an ungrateful son. 138 00:06:11,839 --> 00:06:13,541 It's now an obstacle to my spending 139 00:06:13,607 --> 00:06:15,676 quality time with my beloved grandchild. 140 00:06:16,844 --> 00:06:19,713 Are you coming to Disneyland with us, Grandma? 141 00:06:19,780 --> 00:06:23,016 Oh, darling, Grandma doesn't do Anaheim. 142 00:06:24,752 --> 00:06:26,086 Well, uh, we better hit the road. 143 00:06:26,153 --> 00:06:27,988 Try to beat the traffic. Thanks for dropping by, Mom. 144 00:06:28,055 --> 00:06:29,890 Come on, let's go, Jake. Race you to the car. 145 00:06:29,957 --> 00:06:31,925 Bye, Grandma. Bye, Uncle Charlie. 146 00:06:31,992 --> 00:06:33,961 Bye. 147 00:06:38,398 --> 00:06:39,667 Wait for me, I'm going! 148 00:07:02,723 --> 00:07:04,057 Come on, boy. Come on, boy. 149 00:07:04,124 --> 00:07:07,427 Heel, heel, heel, stay. 150 00:07:07,495 --> 00:07:10,097 Oh, who's a good dog? Who's a good dog? 151 00:07:12,466 --> 00:07:14,935 Hey, Jake, uh, you want to take him? 152 00:07:15,002 --> 00:07:17,037 Whatever. Come on. 153 00:07:19,507 --> 00:07:20,608 Get ready for bed. 154 00:07:20,674 --> 00:07:22,876 I'll be right in to tuck you in. 155 00:07:25,278 --> 00:07:28,849 "Happiest place on Earth," my snow-white ass. 156 00:07:34,655 --> 00:07:38,191 I had a good time. 157 00:07:38,258 --> 00:07:40,193 Oh, really? 158 00:07:40,260 --> 00:07:41,962 Which part did you like best-- 159 00:07:42,029 --> 00:07:45,098 the equatorial heat, the endless lines, 160 00:07:45,165 --> 00:07:46,667 or the large German woman 161 00:07:46,734 --> 00:07:49,002 that threw up on me in the Teacup? 162 00:07:49,069 --> 00:07:51,038 Okay, okay. 163 00:07:51,104 --> 00:07:53,541 Maybe things could have gone smoother, 164 00:07:53,607 --> 00:07:55,208 but tomorrow is going to make up for it. 165 00:07:55,275 --> 00:07:57,645 Alan, you could get us all laid tomorrow, 166 00:07:57,711 --> 00:07:59,513 it's not going to make up for it. 167 00:08:04,718 --> 00:08:07,454 Hey, sleepyhead. You're just in time. 168 00:08:07,521 --> 00:08:08,922 Pancakes are almost ready. 169 00:08:08,989 --> 00:08:10,223 I'm not hungry. 170 00:08:10,290 --> 00:08:11,959 Not hungry? 171 00:08:12,025 --> 00:08:13,794 Come on, you've got to fuel up that engine, 172 00:08:13,861 --> 00:08:15,462 got a big day planned. 173 00:08:15,529 --> 00:08:18,098 My ear hurts. 174 00:08:18,165 --> 00:08:21,068 Oh, no. 175 00:08:21,134 --> 00:08:21,935 Let me feel. 176 00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:24,838 Yeah, you're a little warm. 177 00:08:24,905 --> 00:08:27,107 Probably another ear infection. 178 00:08:27,174 --> 00:08:28,475 Um... 179 00:08:28,542 --> 00:08:30,744 Okay, okay, new plan. 180 00:08:30,811 --> 00:08:32,145 We'll, uh, we'll get you on the antibiotics. 181 00:08:32,212 --> 00:08:33,747 We'll, uh, we'll watch a little TV, 182 00:08:33,814 --> 00:08:36,183 play some video games... we'll have a great day. 183 00:08:36,249 --> 00:08:38,351 I want to go home. 184 00:08:38,418 --> 00:08:40,520 You, uh, you are home. 185 00:08:40,588 --> 00:08:43,056 I know, but the real one, with Mom. 186 00:08:47,795 --> 00:08:49,897 Okay, uh, I can understand that. 187 00:08:49,963 --> 00:08:51,064 You know, when a guy's feeling sick, 188 00:08:51,131 --> 00:08:52,933 he needs his Mom. Right, Charlie? 189 00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:55,569 Well... 190 00:08:57,738 --> 00:09:00,007 I may not be the one to ask. 191 00:09:00,073 --> 00:09:02,242 Okay, I'll, uh, I'll call your Mom 192 00:09:02,309 --> 00:09:04,645 and, uh, and tell her we're on our way. 193 00:09:06,847 --> 00:09:08,381 All right, it's just you and me now. 194 00:09:08,448 --> 00:09:10,751 Are you really sick or are you just faking it 195 00:09:10,818 --> 00:09:13,286 to get out of another fun-filled afternoon? 196 00:09:13,353 --> 00:09:14,622 I'm really sick. 197 00:09:14,688 --> 00:09:16,456 Just checking. 198 00:09:16,523 --> 00:09:18,058 Because I was going to fake it. 199 00:09:22,362 --> 00:09:25,032 ( melody of "Ode to Joy" ): * If your home is bug infested 200 00:09:25,098 --> 00:09:27,801 * Filled with spiders, flies or gnats * 201 00:09:27,868 --> 00:09:30,170 * All our sprays are safety tested * 202 00:09:30,237 --> 00:09:34,274 * We kill vermin, not your cats. * 203 00:09:35,643 --> 00:09:36,509 Hey. 204 00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:38,011 How's the jingle coming? 205 00:09:38,078 --> 00:09:42,983 The lyrics are fine, the music needs a little work. 206 00:09:43,050 --> 00:09:44,551 How's Jake? 207 00:09:44,618 --> 00:09:45,853 Uh, he'll be okay. 208 00:09:45,919 --> 00:09:47,554 I stayed over at the house a little while. 209 00:09:47,621 --> 00:09:48,822 We watched some movies. 210 00:09:48,889 --> 00:09:50,123 I, uh, made us some soup 211 00:09:50,190 --> 00:09:51,725 and a couple of sandwiches. 212 00:09:51,792 --> 00:09:54,795 And, uh, Judith suggested I take mine to go. 213 00:09:56,129 --> 00:09:57,430 Suggested? 214 00:09:57,497 --> 00:09:58,999 Well, she started my car 215 00:09:59,066 --> 00:10:01,101 and threw my sandwich in the backseat. 216 00:10:03,036 --> 00:10:05,038 Uh, listen, I'm afraid I got 217 00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:06,907 some more bad news for you. 218 00:10:06,974 --> 00:10:10,077 Oh, no! I forgot to bring Porky back. 219 00:10:11,178 --> 00:10:13,380 See, that's the thing. 220 00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:16,016 Nothing's bringing Porky back. 221 00:10:18,318 --> 00:10:19,386 Porky's dead? 222 00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:22,790 Th-th-th-that's all, folks. 223 00:10:26,126 --> 00:10:29,663 Oh, God... 224 00:10:29,730 --> 00:10:31,031 oh, God. 225 00:10:32,132 --> 00:10:33,667 It's okay. 226 00:10:33,734 --> 00:10:36,536 We'll can get, we can get Jake another guinea pig. 227 00:10:36,603 --> 00:10:38,706 Jake'll be fine. 228 00:10:38,772 --> 00:10:41,108 This is his fourth Porky in three years. 229 00:10:42,810 --> 00:10:46,546 He goes through them faster than shoes. 230 00:10:46,613 --> 00:10:48,982 No... this is about my life. 231 00:10:50,517 --> 00:10:52,820 Everything is going to hell. 232 00:10:52,886 --> 00:10:54,554 Okay. Well, uh... 233 00:10:54,621 --> 00:10:55,622 don't, don't cry. 234 00:10:55,689 --> 00:10:57,124 We can still be friends. 235 00:10:58,759 --> 00:11:00,160 What? 236 00:11:00,227 --> 00:11:02,696 Sorry. It's the only thing I know to say 237 00:11:02,763 --> 00:11:04,064 when someone cries around here. 238 00:11:08,368 --> 00:11:10,804 I'm so sorry, Porky. 239 00:11:10,871 --> 00:11:13,106 You just kept running around in your little cage 240 00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:15,809 trying to make everybody happy. 241 00:11:15,876 --> 00:11:18,611 And what do you get? 242 00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:20,781 You get dead. 243 00:11:20,848 --> 00:11:24,752 You do know the pig can't hear you, right? 244 00:11:24,818 --> 00:11:26,854 Don't you get it? 245 00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:28,588 I am the pig! 246 00:11:28,655 --> 00:11:30,657 Okay, okay, I-I-I'm just asking 247 00:11:30,724 --> 00:11:33,827 because your, your reaction doesn't seem very healthy to me. 248 00:11:33,894 --> 00:11:35,362 And what do you think would be healthy, Charlie? 249 00:11:35,428 --> 00:11:36,897 I don't know. 250 00:11:36,964 --> 00:11:41,134 Why don't we toss Porky in the ocean and go get bombed? 251 00:11:43,871 --> 00:11:48,742 How could you? How could you? 252 00:11:48,809 --> 00:11:50,243 Okay. 253 00:11:59,586 --> 00:12:01,354 Toss him in the ocean. 254 00:12:01,421 --> 00:12:04,224 Very clever. 255 00:12:04,291 --> 00:12:08,128 Who knew pelicans eat guinea pigs? 256 00:12:10,063 --> 00:12:13,166 ( barking like dogs ) 257 00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:15,168 What's happening? 258 00:12:16,904 --> 00:12:19,506 Sunday's Tequila Night at Pavlov's. 259 00:12:19,572 --> 00:12:21,008 Every time the bell rings, 260 00:12:21,074 --> 00:12:22,509 you got to take a shot. 261 00:12:22,575 --> 00:12:23,811 Why? 262 00:12:23,877 --> 00:12:25,879 'Cause the bell rings. 263 00:12:26,780 --> 00:12:28,816 Oh. Okay. 264 00:12:28,882 --> 00:12:30,717 You got to bark first. 265 00:12:30,784 --> 00:12:32,920 Woof. 266 00:12:37,224 --> 00:12:39,459 Charlie... 267 00:12:39,526 --> 00:12:41,028 when my son looked at me 268 00:12:41,094 --> 00:12:44,331 and told me that he wanted to go home, 269 00:12:44,397 --> 00:12:45,532 it broke my heart. 270 00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:47,567 I saw. 271 00:12:47,634 --> 00:12:51,471 I mean, my kid is sick, and I can't even be with him. 272 00:12:51,538 --> 00:12:53,841 I-I... you know, I'm-I'm a failure, Charlie. 273 00:12:53,907 --> 00:12:56,509 I'm-I'm a failure as a father. 274 00:12:56,576 --> 00:12:57,510 I'm a failure as a husband. 275 00:12:57,577 --> 00:12:59,046 You didn't fail. 276 00:13:00,247 --> 00:13:02,215 First of all, that little boy loves you, 277 00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:04,784 and second of all, just because your wife decides 278 00:13:04,852 --> 00:13:06,219 she doesn't like sleeping with men 279 00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:08,155 doesn't mean you failed as a husband... 280 00:13:08,221 --> 00:13:11,791 although I wouldn't brag about it. 281 00:13:11,859 --> 00:13:13,393 You're right. You're right. 282 00:13:13,460 --> 00:13:14,862 This is Judith's fault. 283 00:13:14,928 --> 00:13:16,229 She's the one who-who breached 284 00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:17,998 our marriage contract asunder, 285 00:13:18,065 --> 00:13:21,168 and-and, and-and I let her make decisions 286 00:13:21,234 --> 00:13:23,871 that should've been in my dominion. 287 00:13:23,937 --> 00:13:26,006 Alan, people are going to do 288 00:13:26,073 --> 00:13:28,641 whatever they're going to do in this world. 289 00:13:28,708 --> 00:13:32,345 The only thing a man can control is his own actions. 290 00:13:32,412 --> 00:13:33,346 ( bell rings ) 291 00:13:33,413 --> 00:13:35,348 ( barking ) 292 00:13:42,255 --> 00:13:45,258 Remember where we left our car. 293 00:13:46,759 --> 00:13:48,896 This isn't our car? 294 00:13:50,630 --> 00:13:52,232 Where to? 295 00:13:52,299 --> 00:13:53,366 Home. Home. 296 00:13:53,433 --> 00:13:55,435 And that would be... 297 00:13:55,502 --> 00:13:56,870 Sherman Oaks. 298 00:13:56,937 --> 00:13:58,371 We don't live in Sherman Oaks. 299 00:13:58,438 --> 00:13:59,039 I do. 300 00:13:59,106 --> 00:14:00,407 I am a Sherman Oaksian, 301 00:14:00,473 --> 00:14:05,645 and-and I am going home for as to reclaim my home. 302 00:14:05,712 --> 00:14:09,016 Oh, that's a very bad idea. 303 00:14:09,082 --> 00:14:10,850 I'll tell you what's a good idea: 304 00:14:10,918 --> 00:14:13,686 chili cheese fries and a large root beer... 305 00:14:13,753 --> 00:14:16,356 with chili cheese fries... 306 00:14:16,423 --> 00:14:18,425 and girls. 307 00:14:19,459 --> 00:14:20,460 No. 308 00:14:21,561 --> 00:14:24,164 I am going home to my wife 309 00:14:24,231 --> 00:14:27,267 to impose my dominion over her. 310 00:14:27,334 --> 00:14:31,071 Oh, yeah. The lesbians love that. 311 00:14:31,972 --> 00:14:34,874 Driver, Sherman Oaks! 312 00:14:36,209 --> 00:14:39,612 CABBIE: 1167 Bonnie Meadow Drive. 313 00:14:39,679 --> 00:14:41,014 Good-bye, Charlie. 314 00:14:41,081 --> 00:14:43,350 I'll be back for my things tomorrow. 315 00:14:43,416 --> 00:14:44,484 Thank you, driver. 316 00:14:44,551 --> 00:14:46,586 You've been most kind. 317 00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:54,694 ( door shuts ) 318 00:14:54,761 --> 00:14:56,129 So, back to Malibu? 319 00:14:56,196 --> 00:14:58,598 No. Let's give it a second. 320 00:15:02,970 --> 00:15:04,904 Did you know... 321 00:15:04,972 --> 00:15:08,141 they put chocolate pudding in tubes now? 322 00:15:08,208 --> 00:15:11,511 No. No, I did not. 323 00:15:11,578 --> 00:15:14,147 They do. 324 00:15:14,214 --> 00:15:16,984 My nephew eats them. 325 00:15:18,218 --> 00:15:21,488 They're surprisingly good. 326 00:15:24,357 --> 00:15:26,326 Well, that's an interesting sibling dynamic 327 00:15:26,393 --> 00:15:28,495 you've got going with your brother there. 328 00:15:31,098 --> 00:15:34,401 You get that I'm loaded, right? 329 00:15:35,502 --> 00:15:37,037 ( door opens ) 330 00:15:37,104 --> 00:15:39,206 Drive, drive, drive! 331 00:15:39,272 --> 00:15:40,707 ( tires screeching ) 332 00:15:43,543 --> 00:15:45,312 So... 333 00:15:46,413 --> 00:15:48,181 how'd it go? 334 00:15:48,248 --> 00:15:50,850 She-she chased me out of the house 335 00:15:50,917 --> 00:15:53,486 with a... with a golf club. 336 00:15:54,587 --> 00:15:55,622 Huh. 337 00:15:55,688 --> 00:15:57,590 Taking up golf already. 338 00:15:59,759 --> 00:16:01,028 What was it-- like, a six iron? 339 00:16:01,094 --> 00:16:02,729 What difference does it make? 340 00:16:02,795 --> 00:16:06,433 I just want to be able to tell the story accurately. 341 00:16:15,108 --> 00:16:17,110 It's not funny. 342 00:16:17,177 --> 00:16:19,379 Then why are you laughing? 343 00:16:19,446 --> 00:16:23,283 'Cause I don't know what else to do. 344 00:16:23,350 --> 00:16:25,952 I wish I could ask Dad for advice. 345 00:16:26,019 --> 00:16:29,856 You'd go to Dad for marriage counseling? 346 00:16:29,922 --> 00:16:31,858 Alan, our father committed suicide 347 00:16:31,924 --> 00:16:33,726 to get away from our mother. 348 00:16:33,793 --> 00:16:34,827 What are you talking about? 349 00:16:34,894 --> 00:16:35,862 Dad didn't commit suicide. 350 00:16:35,928 --> 00:16:37,164 He-he died of food poisoning. 351 00:16:37,230 --> 00:16:39,699 I maintain that he knew the fish was bad, 352 00:16:39,766 --> 00:16:42,269 but he kept eating it anyway. 353 00:16:42,335 --> 00:16:45,338 Your mother sounds like a real piece of work. 354 00:16:45,405 --> 00:16:49,176 Oh, you have no idea, my friend. 355 00:16:49,242 --> 00:16:52,179 My mother took my baby brother, 356 00:16:52,245 --> 00:16:54,481 and dipped him in sissy sauce, 357 00:16:54,547 --> 00:16:57,150 and turned him into the people-pleasing control freak 358 00:16:57,217 --> 00:16:58,151 you see today. 359 00:16:58,218 --> 00:16:59,152 That's right... 360 00:16:59,219 --> 00:17:00,953 and-and she made him 361 00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:02,655 so scared of intimacy, 362 00:17:02,722 --> 00:17:06,193 that-that he has just this endless stream of gorgeous girls 363 00:17:06,259 --> 00:17:08,027 running in and out of his life. 364 00:17:08,095 --> 00:17:09,529 Damn her. 365 00:17:11,398 --> 00:17:14,701 You know, many psychologists agree. 366 00:17:14,767 --> 00:17:17,937 Until the core maternal relationship is resolved, 367 00:17:18,004 --> 00:17:19,506 most men are doomed to repeat 368 00:17:19,572 --> 00:17:22,041 dysfunctional childhood patterns. 369 00:17:22,109 --> 00:17:26,179 Just drive the cab, Dr. Phil. 370 00:17:26,246 --> 00:17:28,448 You know, Charlie, 371 00:17:28,515 --> 00:17:29,249 he's not wrong. 372 00:17:29,316 --> 00:17:30,317 I mean, at-at some point, 373 00:17:30,383 --> 00:17:32,419 we have to stand up to her. 374 00:17:32,485 --> 00:17:34,821 Oh, well, look who's got beer muscles all of a sudden. 375 00:17:34,887 --> 00:17:36,623 No, no, I'm serious, I'm serious, come on. 376 00:17:36,689 --> 00:17:38,791 Right now. Let's-let's confront her. 377 00:17:38,858 --> 00:17:41,294 You-you with me? Come on. 378 00:17:41,361 --> 00:17:43,863 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 379 00:17:43,930 --> 00:17:45,031 I can't believe it. 380 00:17:45,098 --> 00:17:47,033 You really are afraid of Mom. 381 00:17:47,100 --> 00:17:48,601 I am not. 382 00:17:48,668 --> 00:17:51,504 All these years, I thought you were so cool, 383 00:17:51,571 --> 00:17:54,006 but you're just a big, clucking chicken. 384 00:17:54,073 --> 00:17:55,375 Ouch. 385 00:17:56,509 --> 00:17:59,512 Ouch? Okay, okay, that's it. 386 00:17:59,579 --> 00:18:03,216 We have a new destination: Beverly Hills. 387 00:18:03,283 --> 00:18:04,751 You got an address? 388 00:18:04,817 --> 00:18:07,154 Just go east on Sunset 389 00:18:07,220 --> 00:18:09,456 until you reach the gates of hell. 390 00:18:12,225 --> 00:18:14,227 She'll buzz us in. 391 00:18:18,398 --> 00:18:20,200 I can't wait to see her face. 392 00:18:20,267 --> 00:18:23,403 Yeah, she's going to freak. 393 00:18:23,470 --> 00:18:25,004 You ready? 394 00:18:25,071 --> 00:18:26,873 Ring the bell. Ring the bell. 395 00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:27,874 Okay. 396 00:18:27,940 --> 00:18:29,742 ( doorbell rings ) 397 00:18:29,809 --> 00:18:32,245 ( barking ) 398 00:18:37,250 --> 00:18:40,153 EVELYN: Who is it?! 399 00:18:40,220 --> 00:18:42,322 It's your sons. 400 00:18:42,389 --> 00:18:45,758 Charlie and Alan. 401 00:18:50,096 --> 00:18:52,365 Hi, Mom. Hi, Mom. 402 00:18:52,432 --> 00:18:56,436 EVELYN: Oh, dear God. Hold on. I'll be right there. 403 00:18:56,503 --> 00:19:00,006 Hey, uh... what exactly are we going to say to her? 404 00:19:00,072 --> 00:19:01,874 Now you ask? 405 00:19:01,941 --> 00:19:03,876 This was your safari. 406 00:19:03,943 --> 00:19:07,180 Well, we're here to resolve the core maternal... thing. 407 00:19:07,247 --> 00:19:10,417 Wait, aha! I'll go ask the cabbie. 408 00:19:11,351 --> 00:19:13,386 Nice try. 409 00:19:18,225 --> 00:19:20,360 Somebody'd better be dead. 410 00:19:21,761 --> 00:19:23,430 Porky's dead. 411 00:19:26,233 --> 00:19:28,968 And you completely screwed up our lives. 412 00:19:29,035 --> 00:19:30,637 I'm sorry? 413 00:19:30,703 --> 00:19:32,772 Well, that's good enough for me. Yeah, I'm good. 414 00:19:32,839 --> 00:19:33,873 Night. Night. 415 00:19:33,940 --> 00:19:37,244 BOTH: Drive, drive, drive! 416 00:19:45,418 --> 00:19:47,554 Good morning, sunshine. 417 00:19:49,222 --> 00:19:52,191 Oh, God. 418 00:19:52,259 --> 00:19:54,361 Close the drapes. 419 00:19:56,229 --> 00:19:58,164 Hey, what's this? 420 00:19:58,231 --> 00:20:01,234 "Release and indemnification form." 421 00:20:01,301 --> 00:20:03,336 What? 422 00:20:03,403 --> 00:20:06,873 Were you on some kind of television show last night? 423 00:20:06,939 --> 00:20:08,040 I don't think so. 424 00:20:08,107 --> 00:20:10,343 Well, you and your brother signed it. 425 00:20:10,410 --> 00:20:12,379 Let me see that. 426 00:20:14,947 --> 00:20:17,684 Alan... 427 00:20:17,750 --> 00:20:18,685 Alan! 428 00:20:18,751 --> 00:20:21,388 Wake up. 429 00:20:24,257 --> 00:20:25,992 We got a problem. 430 00:20:29,228 --> 00:20:33,232 "Taxicab Confessions"? 431 00:20:34,133 --> 00:20:37,169 * If you've got bugs 432 00:20:37,236 --> 00:20:39,839 * If you've got ants 433 00:20:39,906 --> 00:20:41,874 * If you've got bugs and flies and slugs * 434 00:20:41,941 --> 00:20:44,176 * And things that crawl... 435 00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:45,878 Huh? 436 00:20:45,945 --> 00:20:47,213 Isn't that Beethoven? 437 00:20:47,280 --> 00:20:48,715 Shh! 438 00:20:50,116 --> 00:20:51,351 I don't... 439 00:20:51,418 --> 00:20:52,652 I don't even know 440 00:20:52,719 --> 00:20:55,888 how my wife is going to be a lesbian. 441 00:20:55,955 --> 00:20:58,224 She hates oral sex. 442 00:20:58,291 --> 00:21:00,427 Hates it.