Now, who decided I need to care about Paris Hilton?
Could we focus on the matter at hand?
Mini pizzas or mini burritos?
A burrito's always mini,
'cause burrito means "little donkey."
That's so cool you know the Español.
Okay, both.
What else do we need?
Get me some of those high-powered energy drinks.
I'm gonna be up all night.
Wait, the Chem exam's tomorrow?
No, it's Wednesday, but
not only do I have
to master thermodynamics,
I also have to finish some book
about a guy who turns into a bug
for world lit.
Don't sweat about the Chem test.
I got your brother's lab notebook.
Luke lent you his lab notebook?
I still have pull.
( cell phone rings )
What?
GRACE: I didn't forget.
I know what we need.
GRACE: It's called a protest.
Soy jerky.
Is she gonna be, like, the Yoko Ono
of our study group?
( sighs )
Don't worry about it.
Okay.
Hey, uh, could I put up a flyer?
Yeah, sure, go ahead, over by the door.
Hey, wait. Let me see one.
Cool.
Are you in this?
It's just a little
coffee shop thing.
I mean, they basically
let anybody put up their stuff.
Adam, this is your first art show out in the world.
It's really not a big deal.
Isn't it cool?
Your mom started, like, a whole movement.
You forgot the milk.
Oh, no, thanks. I don't need any.
You're almost out at home.
Uh, okay.
( laughs )
Either that's you,
or you're a really pushy cashier.
It's up to you.
Yeah.
It's definitely you.
Okay, ring up a half-gallon.
Fine! A gallon!
GRACE: We already went over this! I'm not gonna
pretend to care about something that I don't!
That's called hypocrisy!
( grunting )
Who is she yelling at?
( phone ringing )
( phone continues ringing )
Grace? Will you grab me
a gallon of two percent while you're in there?
( loud ringing )
Anything else?
No. That's it.
Right?
Sorry. I'm way behind.
Coffee will be ready in a sec.
I'll get some on the way.
I've got an early meeting.
Again?
Roebuck likes to give out morning assignments.
It's very Hill Street Blues.
Hey, what's this for, show and tell?
It's for a class project.
Anything you want to keep, grab it now.
Otherwise, it is getting smashed.
Cool.
Is this like a new teacher intimidation thing?
( low grunting )
It's art.
Can I help with something?
No, it's okay.
I have to get to the school early...
( whimpers )
I've got it.
No, you have to go.
KEVIN: See ya.
Hey, hey, what about breakfast?
I got to
go in early, 'cause I have a...
thing.
Mom, where's the shirt I was wearing yesterday?
Um... Hey!
My turtle ashtray.
Oh, I meant to ask you.
Do you mind if I use some of this stuff
for a class project?
What do you mean, use?
WILL: I've got a family
situation here. Uh... HELEN: Well, I need stuff
that I can sort of break up and use the pieces.
You want to smash my turtle ashtray?
Honey, you made
a lot of ashtrays,
and this one has a broken head.
You can't smash Archie.
All right, I'm making breakfast.
Who's up for French Toast?
We don't have any milk.
I got some
last night.
What?
Oh, well, nothing.
It's just a little surprising,
you getting milk.
It's not like it's a miracle.
Kind of.
Go. Set up your class.
I've got this.
Where's Luke? Joan, go
check on your brother.
JOAN: Ew. What if he's, like,
sweaty or naked or something?
BOTH: Joan.
( knock at door )
( snoring )
JOAN: Luke, are you alive?
( shallow breathing )
( snorts )
You didn't turn into a bug or anything, did you?
Can't move.
Head's too big.
Full of air.
Possib...
Possibly fluid.
Something's wrong with Luke.
He's all shivery and gross.
WILL: Oh, boy.
Does he have a fever?
I don't know. I'm not touching him.
I have to go.
But I'm making French toast.
Sorry.
JOAN ( muffled ): Okay.
Somebody has got to explain this bug book to me.
I mean,
are we really supposed to believe that somebody just...
would turn into a roach?
( laughs )
Reality check!
It's called literary symbolism,
and didn't anyone ever tell you
not to talk with your mouth full?
Something's going on at home.
I didn't ask.
So, uh, this...
ar-art show thing--
um, I-I was wondering
maybe if you could help me load in my stuff tonight.
At your opening? Definitely.
So, um...
baby voice is not available?
I told her not to come.
Um, I-I said I'd be too nervous.
Then, yeah, sure.
I'm happy to be your roadie.
Cool. Um...
Uh, then come around by 7:00.
Okay.
( bell rings )
BOY: After school maybe?
( Joan laughing )
You're not in much of a hurry.
I have study hall, which you know.
Right. Followed by lunch.
Is there something I can help you with?
I got the milk.
And you think that's enough?
( sighs )
Some clarity would help here.
Who's taking care of Luke today?
I don't know. His parents?
( laughs )
Right.
You ever thought
about maybe sharing some of their burden?
You know, let's not forget the last time
you asked me to share
the laundry burden,
and I ended up on crutches.
( bell rings )
Second bell.
It's too late to go to study hall.
Look at all this free time.
I have two exams coming up.
Do you want me to flunk?
Well, you know, for someone who's almighty,
you're very passive-aggressive.
WILL: What is this?
Punishment for being tardy?
I miss the morning meeting,
and so we got to go arrest the naughty computer boy?
That's information technology specialist.
Hey, Beth.
Hi, Wayne.
Mr. Smith, you're under arrest
for embezzling half a million dollars.
You want to start taking this seriously?
Uh. You won't be so cocky
when they put you away for ten years.
That's assuming they can crack my encryption,
and judging from you guys, they can't even hook up a TIVO.
I like driving fast and shooting guns.
HELEN: This is a technique
called pique-assiette,
which literally means "broken plate."
And you can see that these are decorated
with a mosaic of broken dishes and artifacts.
And I asked you all to bring in an old toy,
and what I'd like you to do is smash up this artifact
of your childhood,
and we'll set the pieces in wet plaster.
Yes.
You want me to smash Naughty Nancy?
( laughter )
Well, think of it
as using your past to create something new.
Cool. HELEN: Okay.
Put on your safety goggles.
Start smashing.
( indistinct chatter, laughter )
HELEN: Okay.
STUDENT: Whoa!
Denise, come on.
Put some muscle in it, girl.
BOY: All right!
HELEN: Those are big pieces.
Hey!
HELEN: Watch your fingers.
What's going on?
HELEN: We're
memorializing our childhood relics.
What do you need?
Um, well, I was actually just coming by
to see if you need any help,
you know, with Luke being sick and everything.
Yes, I know Luke is sick.
Your father called, and he
also told me that you ran off
and left him with everything this morning.
Well, I'm here now, aren't I?
Yeah. Well, I've already arranged
to skip my fifth period class
so I can go check on him.
Well...
I-I have two free classes.
If you want, I could...
( sighs )
I could go so you wouldn't have to skip your class.
You could do that? Yeah.
What's the big deal?
Drive home, give Luke a pizza pocket...
No. He needs soup and flu medicine--
lemon flavor-- and, um,
check his temperature.
Okay. Fine. I'm all over it.
( ceramic breaking )
Oh, and... oh!
Oh, no, that's too much.
Forget it.
What?
Well, it's just
I put some ground meat out to thaw.
Help me out here. Okay, okay.
I was gonna make meat loaf.
I put the meat out to thaw, but I forgot
that I have a faculty meeting tonight,
and now the meat's gonna spoil,
but forget it.
I can make the meat loaf.
Your father would be so thrilled.
I have to be done by 7:00. Yeah.
Okay. You can leave as soon as he gets home from work.
Thank you.
Kevin, how's it goin'?
No more basketball injuries, I hope?
No. Uh, it's just...
this morning I had this feeling in my gut.
It was new, you know? Like something
I haven't felt since the accident.
Mm-hmm.
Pull up your shirt.
Was it a pain?
No, it was more like a-a fluttering,
like I had feeling there again.
Is that weird?
A lot of factors can cause reactions,
even a mild skin irritation.
Yeah, but this felt more like...
something waking up.
With an injury like yours,
neural regeneration is extremely unlikely.
But not impossible.
I would need to run an E.M.G. before I'd feel comfortable
even entertaining the possibility.
Okay.
So... when can we do that?
I can see what's available.
Uh, Dr. Hughes?
Is it cool if we don't mention this
to my parents?
This can be confidential.
Great. I can do it today if there's anything.
All right, Kevin.
MAN ( on television ): And then the spacecraft will open...
Okay. Take the Ibuprofen first.
What are you watching?
LUKE: It's about the Mars Rover.
No, no, no, no, no.
You should be watching
Dr. Phil.
The proven remedy.
To lead this family...
Okay, now, tell me what class work you need
so I can get out of here.
You could get my assignments?
Luke, I do come with a brain.
Okay.
( sighs )
Monday.
American history.
Get the notes from
Thomas Jefferson.
Wait.
Thomas Jefferson isn't a student.
Okay, okay.
Phys. Ed.
P.E.?
No, Luke, all you do
is run around and come in last. Get real.
Oh, no.
No, no, no,
no, no, no, no.
What? ( sighs )
The scholarship deadline for space camp is today.
Space camp?
I haven't even typed my essay.
Where's my chemistry notebook?
You lent it to Grace.
I lent it to Grace?
Luke, relax-- I'm meeting her
this afternoon for a study group.
I'll have it home by 5:00.
No, no, you-you don't understand.
Joan, if...
My essay is in that notebook.
If don't get it back by tonight,
no space camp, no scholarship,
no summer with Glynis at Stanford.
Look, I'm writing it on my palm pilot.
"Get lab notebook."
Okay?
Watch Dr. Phil.
DR. PHIL (on TV): You all need to pull your heads out of your butt
and understand you've got a train wreck here.
This family has a huge decision.
He looks nice.
You know, this company spends
a half million just getting clients drunk at lunch.
Hola.
Huge-o, huh?
( lurching )
Not again.
What do you mean, "not again"?
The elevator's stuck. Happened last week.
Took 'em forever to fix it.
( shouts )
( water pouring )
Whoa!
( laughing ) What the hell?
Her water just broke.
Opa!
Could you just...?
Hello?
We're stuck in an elevator here,
and there's water.
Hello?
I wouldn't wait around for them.
Those guys take very long lunches.
( shouting )
Oh, my... Hello?
MR. SMITH: Here we go.
Hello?!
Oh, uh...
Where have you been?
We're supposed to be studying thermodynamics
in five minutes.
What, do you think this is news to me, huh?
I have to get my brother's assignments.
He's got some kind of swine flu.
Can't we just study tonight?
No way. I have a family thing.
Leave it alone.
A-And, you know, I have the art thing.
Oh, God, that's right!
But if you're too busy... No, no, no, no.
I will definitely be there,
and we are definitely studying for the exam.
I just need, like, an hour to deal
with everybody else's needs.
I'm familiar with the phenomenon.
Okay, good.
( gasps ): Oh, God, wait!
No, no, no, no.
I have to get Luke's lab notebook back.
We haven't even looked at it yet.
Well, make copies of the notes,
and I'll meet you guys in the library. One hour.
Don't flake out!
Got it!
It's okay.
Try to relax. Breathe...
What? I said, "We're stuck in the elevator."
No. Stuck.
Not one service provider
can get you decent reception in an elevator.
It's criminal.
You have the right to remain silent. Use it.
Any luck?
I don't know. I think they heard something.
I hope they did.
Is she, uh, close?
Can you tell?
I'm not the one with three kids.
Well, I-I-I never...
I mean, I drove Helen to the hospital.
But then you watched TV in the waiting room?
I can't stand seeing my wife in pain.
( screams )
( gasping )
That seems wrong. Is that wrong?
Hey, it's okay, ma'am.
We're going to get you out of here.
I think that kid's getting out first.
Those contractions are pretty close together.
( janitor moaning )
( sighs )
Here's your disgusting lemon flu stuff.
Just don't drive or operate heavy machinery.
Do you know where Mom put the bread crumbs?
Why am I here?
Luke, focus. Bread crumbs.
Are you hot? Is it hot in here?
Go back to bed.
I can't.
I'm too tired.
There was something I was supposed to get from you.
I already got your medicine and your stupid assignments--
which took forever, by the way.
And I had to skip my own study group
to make this stupid meat loaf.
Notebook!
You-you get the-the notebook from Grace?
Okay, um...
remember the part where I said
I had to skip my study group?
Oh! No, no, no, no, no!
( sighs ): Notebook... only hope... space camp.
Will you stop talking in fragments, okay?
I will get your notebook back.
Just drink your flu stuff.
( sighs )
( muttering ): I'm never going to finish
this stupid bug book.
( sighs ): Yeah, Grace, this is Joan.
I'm sorry I couldn't make it to the study group.
It's just...
well, Luke is kind of flipping out about his notebook,
so I need to, uh, get that back from you right away.
If you would call me...
Um... this is Joan, and don't be mad.
See?
Nothing to worry about.
( phone beeping )
I don't know if we're in the north or the west elevator!
We're in the one that hasn't moved in two hours!
( janitor screaming )
Oh, God.
SMITH: If she's breech or pre-eclampsia,
we don't have the proper equipment.
What, so now Mr. I.T. is Mr. O.B.?
I've just been through it is all.
All three of my kids were born at home.
We, you know, found it more holistic.
Hospitals can be so... Yeah, we get it.
Ignore me if you want.
That's fine, but if it were me,
I'd be checking out those cleaning supplies
for something sterile,
laying down my coat, you know...
But that's just me.
JANITOR: I need to get out of here.
Where's Dad? It's almost 7:00.
Man, that smells good.
Too bad I have to go.
You're telling me this now?
I'm sorry, I didn't know
you were going to do a whole Mom thing.
Yeah, well, neither did I.
I just want my lab notebook.
Dude, less pathetic.
JOAN: Luke, I told you,
I'll get it for you as soon as Dad gets home.
Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you. He called.
He said he was stuck in an elevator?
Wait, wha... w-w-w...
an elevator? I'll see you.
I have to go-- I can't leave Luke here until Dad...
( door closes )
Great. Great.
This is just wonderful.
It's just... great.
Eat. You complain, and I'll end your misery.
( phone ringing )
( sighs ): Now what?
Hello? I can barely hear you.
Who is this?
Is it Grace? Hel...
( gasps ): Adam!
I'm-I'm so sorry.
I'm running late. I... I got held up.
Notebook?
It's just that my dad was supposed to be home,
and my stupid brother is sick...
LUKE: Heard that.
Look, I'll be there as soon as I can, okay?
No, no, no, no. I-It's not okay.
Adam, listen, I can explain. Please don't hang up the...
( phone beeps )
Are you there, God?
It's me, Joan, and you suck!
( sighs )
( metallic rattling )
( laughing )
Dr. Hughes told me to thank you
for squeezing me in so late.
Always happy to help out a fellow working man.
So, have you done this on paralyzed people before?
A few million times.
You, uh... ever see anybody get some of their feeling back?
You mean neural regeneration?
Not much, no.
But you've seen it.
Mostly what I see is people sticking to their rehab,
increasing strength and flexibility...
Yeah, yeah.
I-I know all that, but I... read this thing
where if you get some sensation back,
there's, like, a possibility--
uh, not a big one, but...
You know what?
You should probably talk to Dr. Hughes.
Your results will be in tomorrow.
Share the burden, get milk, make dinner, be a grownup.
That's fine... except that I don't vote yet!
( laughs ): I barely drive.
I can't even go in the senior lounge--
i.e., I am not a grownup!
Jane?
Uh... I didn't think
you were going to make it.
Oh, I-I actually...
Well, I have to go to the hardware store.
Oh.
Oh, w-w-wait a minute.
Y-You need help, right?
Yeah.
And that's why I'm here.
To share the burden, because that's what I'm supposed to do.
Great, uh...
could, uh, could you grab those?
( sighs )
Right?
Right.
Looks good.
You think?
Uh, why do I feel like we're cheating on Iris?
( sighs ): That's crazy.
So, um...
what did you need from the hardware store?
( sighs ): Nothing.
It can wait.
I mean, this is more important.
Kind of takes recycling to a whole new level.
Cosmically responsible, dude.
Thanks.
Yeah.
( whispering ): "Cosmically responsible"?
Yeah.
Was that supposed to be subtle?
Um, not really.
Look, I am taking responsibility
for my personal life right now,
so deal with it.
Hi. Can I get a hot tea, please?
Wow. Tea.
We've got, like, 80 varieties.
Herbal, green,
black, English, Irish, Chai...
I-I-I don't know. Just tea, thanks.
It's not up to me.
You got to make a choice.
( scoffs )
I'm choosing to be here with my friend, okay?
Luke is fine.
He was alone all day, so just back down!
I think you want the chamomile.
It's very calming.
( whispering ): I'm sorry.
( laughs ): Forget it. Um...
POET: What's up, my people?
You ready to lay down some rhymes tonight?
( audience affirms )
This is a new piece I wrote.
It's called, "Through the Third Eye."
I close my eyes to this advertised reality,
this Dow Jones, international, corporate, double tall latte,
and I open my eye to what's really real.
I open my eye to light restored,
the blessed light that,
that cures the ailing mind.
I'm talking the merciful assistance
of sister to brother.
Okay, okay.
I get it.
What are you doing?
I'm getting the fuse. I'm restoring the light.
I'm helping out my stupid brother.
Are you happy now? Jane.
( murmuring in the audience )
It's not you. I-I just...
I'll explain later. ( chuckles )
POET: Well...
( clears throat )
I close my eyes to this...
She got me all messed up. I can't even remember it now.
( janitor groaning )
( Smith demonstrates breathing technique )
So, Wayne, do your kids know that daddy's a criminal?
I'd like to talk to my lawyer before I answer that.
Just keep breathing with me.
( grunting )
Try to hold off on pushing.
We're gonna be out of here soon.
She's two minutes between contractions.
The baby's dropped.
The lady has to push.
( yelling )
Oh, God. She's pushing.
SMITH: Here we go, Maria. Um...
Take off your shoelace, all right?
You're gonna use it to tie off the umbilical cord.
Oh.
( grunting )
Will, the shoelace!
SMITH: All right, here we go.
Ho, ho! I see the head!
Houston, we have crowning.
Get ready.
For what? What do I do?
( laughing ): You're gonna catch the baby, man.
No, no, no, no, look, look,
I-I-I think you-you-you
should, uh, catch the baby.
You've really got this down.
I'm in handcuffs.
Catch the baby, Will!
( yelling )
Here it comes, here it comes, here it comes. Okay.
Gently, gently. Gently.
Okay, take it, take it by the neck. Oh, mijo.
Pull, pull.
That's right.
It's great.
You're doing great.
Oh.
SMITH: You're doing great.
( all chuckling )
Holy mother of God.
It's a girl.
( laughing )
WILL: Look at her.
She's a beaut.
I don't want to see it.
( baby whining )
This is your baby.
Just take it away. I don't want it.
( weeps )
( baby crying )
Ah, you again.
Hi. Sorry to bother you, Rabbi, but, um...
can I talk to Grace for a minute?
I'm afraid she just left for a Hebrew class.
Oh, uh... well, do you know when she's coming back?
Uh, Yeah. 9:30, 10:00.
Did you say Hebrew class?
Yes, um...
You know, when pasta begins to gets cold, it's really...
I know, I'm really sorry.
It's just that Grace has
this notebook that I really need.
Well, um, you're welcome to come in and look,
but she took her books with her, you know,
and she said something about a, uh, chemistry exam.
Perfect. Cursed by Hebrew class.
( gasps )
Uh...
No offense, Rabbi, I...
Well, unfortunately,
Grace seems to share your point of view,
which is why she's managed
to put off her bat mitzvah for 3 years.
Ba... her what?
Bat mitzvah.
It's a ceremony to mark when a young person becomes an adult.
You've given up on the pasta, huh?
Mm. While ago, yes.
So after you do this, uh, mitzvah thing,
that's it, you're a grownup?
Well, in theory, you know, but in practice,
becoming an adult is, what,
more a series of steps and missteps. Don't you think?
( cell phone rings )
Hold on a second.
Luke, I'm working on it.
Joan Girardi, where the hell are you?
Um...
Mom, I can explain everything.
I had a really important errand that I had to run.
I don't want to hear it.
Just get your butt home right now.
( call disconnects )
Um...
I'd better go.
( chuckles ): I think I have some coming of age to do.
Well, good luck to you.
And you. Okay.
( cell phone rings )
( playing "When the Saints Go Marching In" )
( scoffs )
Ha-ha. Very funny.
What now?
Joan,
should you really be going home right now?
Okay.
Can I get something off my chest here?
What's with God the sexist?
Yeah, I said it. How come the girl in the family
always has to do all the cooking and running around?
How old-school is that?
Excuse me. Okay, Joan, check my record.
I think you'll find when I call one of you to action,
it doesn't matter which chromosome I gave you.
Oh, and this is your call to action--
go and run a bunch of ridiculous errands?
Well, I believe you made a promise to your brother.
There you go. Thank you. Thanks.
Yes, I but also promised my angry mother
that I would get my butt home.
Well, you're in an interesting situation.
What are your priorities?
Which commitments will you honor?
You know, you're getting very good at stating the obvious.
I'm sorry, what was that, Joan?
I can't hear you. You're breaking up. Hello?
( static ) Hello?
I can't hear you.
( imitating static )
He-Hello?
This is not funny.
Hello?
( phone beeps )
( sighs )
( siren wailing )
Who's a baby girl?
I bet you're hungry.
( Williams sighs )
Okay, Will...
So that's it? We just hand her off?
Safe Haven law, remember?
Yeah.
But I'll never get used to this.
Some people just can't handle the responsibility.
That's a hell of a thing.
Can I just ask the obvious here?
What's a father of three doing embezzling money
from your own company?
I'm not comfortable with that term "embezzling."
It's more of a Robin Hood kind of thing.
This the guy, Captain?
Yeah.
Thanks for all your help.
Yeah.
All right, get him out of here.
Let's go.
Shotgun.
Just kidding.
Hey.
What are you doing here?
I didn't want to bother your dad again. He was eating.
How many times have I told you, do not speak to my family?
I know, and I-I wouldn't have come,
it's just I really, really need Luke's lab notebook.
Well, maybe if you showed up at the library
like you said you would...
I know, and I'm sorry about that, too, okay?
I just had a million stupid errands I had to run,
none of which I wanted to do.
Welcome to reality.
Thank you.
So I take it you're not going to Hebrew class by choice.
( scoffs ): What do you think?
Hmm.
I was supposed to do all this when I was 13, but I refused.
Now my dad's using my sick grandmother to guilt me into it.
Bummer.
You can't fight a rabbi when he breaks out the guilt.
And the worst part:
I finally gave in,
thinking I'll just cause a lot of trouble, you know?
Speak out for a Palestinian homeland
just to piss off the teacher.
My dad loves it.
He says I'm questioning the nature of God and the world,
which is exactly in the spirit of the talmudic scholarship.
That sucks.
Tell me about it.
It's like there's no escaping it.
Yeah.
( both sigh )
( music fades up )
♪ ...I'd bury it all ♪
♪ but you hate to dig 'round ♪
♪ We'll hope for the lost and the found... ♪
( door opens )
You're home late.
Didn't get my message?
Of course not.
It hasn't been a good day.
I'm sorry.
I hope yours was better.
Well, I was stuck
in an elevator with an embezzler
and a woman who gave birth to a baby girl.
That must have been fun.
Helen.
What you did, having our children...
I think you may have passed the statute of limitations
in thanking me for giving birth.
I just can't believe I missed going through that with you.
You must have felt so alone.
Well, there were plenty of strangers.
And painkillers.
( laughs )
You ever think about having another?
( sternly ): Not today.
What happened?
Joan cooked dinner,
and then she took off God knows where
and left Luke with 103 fever
sitting in the middle of a dark, filthy kitchen.
WILL: You want me to have a talk with her?
It's not just Joan.
It's, um... it's our whole family.
We're just not ready.
WILL: What do you mean?
HELEN: I-I've decided I shouldn't be teaching this class.
Our kids can't handle
two working parents.
I was gonna clean it up.
Where have you been?
Why didn't you call?
I was out getting fuses.
Luke didn't tell you that?
We have fuses.
And how does that take all night?
I had other stuff to do.
Well, what if I just took off
when I had other stuff to do?
You did.
You had a meeting and you had work
and Kevin had whatever, so I covered.
Leaving your sick brother alone in the dark
isn't exactly covering.
Why was he in the dark?
Because the electrical wiring in this house is totally screwy!
Which is why I had to go out to try to fix it
and get Luke's chemistry notebook
so he can go to space camp.
Luke wants to go to space camp?
Hi, guys.
Yes, and if I don't have his application
in the mail by midnight tonight,
then the whole universe
is probably going to be out of whack in some way
I don't even want to know about.
So, if you'll excuse me,
I have to get to the post office.
Okay, good night, everybody.
And where are you coming from, if I may ask?
Uh, just out.
You know, you can use a shoelace
to tie off the umbilical cord?
Uh, I thought I heard sports.
How come you're home?
I'm, uh, taking a sick day.
Which is an awesome thing to do when you're not actually sick.
Yeah, I'll have to try it sometime.
So, where were you last night?
When did my social life
become such a hot topic around here?
We're just trying to live vicariously.
Did you and Rebecca go out?
That's, uh, kind of on hold.
I had an E.M.G. test at the hospital.
Electromyography?
How come?
It's supposed to figure out
if any of my nerves are waking up,
which I thought they were.
Turns out they weren't.
That's... that's not entirely... unexpected.
I just had this weird feeling in my gut.
It was like... gas,
which I haven't felt since, you know... before.
But Dr. Hughes says it's just
phantom pain.
Unless it happens again.
Then it could be neural regeneration.
What are the odds of it happening again?
( chuckling )
About the same as you making the NBA.
Whatever, right?
Well, I don't know about you,
but Luke's notes didn't exactly crack the code.
Yeah, I pretty much bombed.
Um, how is he?
Luke?
He's sick, but he's going to pull through.
I hope so; I'm sorry, it's just...
it's been so hard.
( quivering moan )
So, uh, what happened last night?
Oh, sorry. Uh...
Just poetry kind of freaks me out,
and I had to meet Grace after her bat mitzvah class.
Shut up right now.
What?
"Bat mitzvah."
Going for the full Jew, huh?
Great. Why don't you just broadcast it over the P.A.?
What...? I say soak it up.
You know, I got totally wasted
on kosher wine at mine,
kissed Jennifer Cohen, and made two grand.
You never let me down, do you, Girardi?
Wait. What's a bat mitzvah?
( dramatic sigh )
Well, you see, Adam,
even before we were slaves in Egypt,
there was this tiny baby
floating around in the bulrushes.
Now, the little tyke's name was Moses.
Now, Moe, as we call him--
he apparently was a stutterer.
Oh. You again.
Do you ever
show up when I actually need help?
You don't need me.
You're doing great.
Oh, okay, and so you're here to, what,
show me your new nose ring?
I want you to pick up some Cream of Wheat
on your way home.
Cream of what? Cream of Wheat.
It's got a lot of iron, and Luke needs it.
No, no, no, you don't understand.
I'm done.
Luke gets to put on his spacesuit,
Mom got to her meeting, crisis averted.
Have a pleasant day.
( sighing )
You're not going to stop me?
It's your choice to walk away.
I just think it's interesting that of all the tasks
I've given you, buying Cream of Wheat
( chuckling ): is the one you're abandoning.
Because it's endless!
It's a black hole
of never-ending worries and responsibilities.
It's called growing up.
Oh, well, what if I don't want to?
In the brief time we've been talking here,
thousands of cells in your body
have died and renewed themselves.
You're changing all the time.
It's how you know you're alive.
It just seems so scary.
And now here is the part where you reassure me...
It is scary.
Fortunately... you're not alone.
You're not packing up, are you?
No. Just cleaning.
Oh.
'Cause I heard this rumor that you were going to quit.
I mean, I wouldn't blame you after yesterday.
I'm not quitting.
I'm really sorry
I was so hard on you last night.
I know you were just trying to help.
Here. You can use it if you want to.
No. Honey, that's yours.
Well, what do I do, just smash it, or...?
Use the safety goggles,
try not to make the pieces too small,
and, um, be careful of your fingers.
Mom.
Okay. Sorry.
There you go.
( both laughing )
I think I failed my chemistry exam.
Aw. That's too bad.
That's all you're going to say?
Well, one of the nice things about you getting older
is that you're getting better at punishing yourself.
How's that?
Pretty good.
One of the reasons
that I have been so cranky lately
is that I haven't been getting any sleep.
I'm just so terrified about teaching,
I just keep going over and over what I'm going to say
till 3:00 in the morning.
I always thought once you were an adult,
you just sort of...
wake up with all the answers.
Yeah, that would be nice.
There's hardly ever any answers.
Just... more questions.
( Joan sighs )
Cool.
Okay, so we'll let it dry overnight.
Okay.
Hey, I tried some of that meat loaf.
You did something to the garlic?
Oh, I roasted it first.
Was it, was it bad?
No. It was really good.
Where'd you learn to do that?
I saw it on Iron Chef.
So, i-it was, it was good?
Dinner's ready.
Meat loaf again?
Shut up.
This time, you're eating it.
Seriously, I just had
a burrito around 4:00.
I'm still in a coma.
Kevin, you're a Girardi. Eat.
Smells great, kiddo.
Mom's on her way.
She said not to wait.
You know, I want to be hungry.
I do, and yet somehow...
Here. Cream of Wheat.
Cream of...
Wheat. It has iron. Eat it.
You made this-- like, uh, made it?
Mm-hmm.
Dude, pull my finger.
What?
Kevin!
No.
Seriously. Pull my finger.
( passes gas )
( laughter )
Oh, come on!
JOAN: Do you have, like,
amplifiers down there? Oh, my... so, so, wait a minute.
That means you...
Isn't that awesome?
Pull it again.
Guys, a little civility? Do it, do it!
( passes gas ) ( laughter )
WILL: Could you...?!
JOAN: Oh, my God!
WILL: Oh!
Wait a minute.
I think I got another one.
JOAN: No.
No, Kevin, please.
Hey, guys.
JOAN: Kevin, stop.
It's so gross. Stop it.
What did I miss?
Mom...
( clearing throat ): Mom, pull my finger.
No, don't do it, Mom, don't do it.
♪ Take your chance with both your hands ♪
♪ And baby, you show them... ♪
( passes gas loudly )
( squeals and laughter )