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Tired of the same old you?
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Tired of being out of shape
and out of luck with the opposite sex?
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Tired of being overweight
and under-attractive?
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Yeah.
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Oh, hello.
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I'm White Goodman, owner, operator
and founder of Globo Gym America Corp.
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I'm here to tell ya that you don't have
to be stuck with what you've got.
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Hey, Rory. Looking good.
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At Globo Gym we that understand "ugliness"
and "fatness" are genetic disorders,
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much like baldness or necrophilia,
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and it's only your fault if you don't hate
yourself enough to do something about it.
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That's where we come in.
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Globo Gym employs
a highly trained, quasi-cultural staff
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of personal alteration specialists.
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With our competitively priced
onsite cosmetic surgery,
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we can turn that Frankenstein
you see in the mirror every morning
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into a Franken-fine.
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Of course, you'll still be you in a legal sense,
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but think of it as a thinner,
more attractive, better you
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than you could ever become without us.
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How do I know?
Well, I'm not only the founder of Globo Gym,
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I'm also a client.
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That's me, six years and 600lbs ago,
before I knew how much I hated myself.
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That all changed once I founded Globo Gym.
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But don'tjust take my word for it. Listen
to these Globo gymers tell you how it is...
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That feels good.
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Oh, the tickle machine.
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Crash, no. Crash, out.
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Bad dog. No grundle.
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Come on down and join the winning team,
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because here at Globo Gym,
we're better than you.
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And we know it.
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Spare me.
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Mr La Fleur, this is Doris
from the Department of Water and Power.
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We've been trying to reach you,
but your phone was disconnected.
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We'll be shutting off
your water and power at 5pm today
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due to an eight-month overdue account.
Thank you and have a nice day.
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This is Seth from Videorama.
The following DVDs are now overdue.
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Drunken Hussies 3, Backdoor Patrol 5
and Mona Lisa Smile. Thank you.
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Come on, baby, be there.
Be there.
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It's gonna be a good day.
I'm proud of you.
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We're just around the corner.
My gym's here. I promise we're almost there.
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You guys are lifesavers.
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I appreciate the effort.
Don't pull a hammy over it.
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Gimme that garbage.
Shouldn't you be on a treadmill?
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Hey, Peter.
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- How's my little tax shelter this morning?
- Everything's shipshape.
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Don't hold out on me. What's happening?
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It's just I'm trying
this new voicemail-dating thing.
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And, like, no one's even left me a message,
and it's been almost two months.
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There's someone out there for everybody.
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- You think?
- Absolutely.
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In some cases, there's two somebodies for
one person. I like to call that "the jackpot".
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See you later, dater.
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- Hey, Peter.
- Hey, Gordon.
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- I'm wailing on my glutes.
- Sounds great.
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I'm gonna shock the biceps later,
then some cardio. Keep the body guessing.
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- I like to keep my body guessing.
- Sure. I wanted to ask you something.
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- Did you catch the game last night?
- Can I say yes?
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Amateur curling championships
on ESPN8.
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- I had no idea.
- You missed a doozy. Really great stuff.
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I feel dumb for asking,
but how did you hear about it?
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- OSQ. Obscure Sports Quarterly.
- Of course, the OSQ.
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Started reading it in college, for the chicks.
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- I'm glad that worked out for you.
- Thanks, Peter.
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- Bye.
- Love the orange and love the headphones.
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When I come back,
I want you on a different machine.
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- You need a spot?
- I'm cool, Pete.
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OK, come on. Let's get this out of here.
You OK?
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- You're like a human Chinese puzzle.
- Thanks, Pete.
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All that weight is dangerous.
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It'll be worth it when I make the cheerleading
squad. Prove to Amber that I'm not a loser.
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Hang on a second. You wanna become
a cheerleader to prove you are not a loser?
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Yeah. Why?
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Nothing. High school's
changed a bit since I was a kid.
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Plus, all anyone ever remembers is
what happened at last year's tryouts.
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I'm the laughing stock of the school.
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I'm sure it's not that big of a deal.
What happened at last year's tryouts?
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Justin Redmond. Ready and super-psyched.
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- Hey, Amber.
- Hi, Justin. Good luck.
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Good luck to you, making yourjudgments.
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And from the girls' line,
we need girl number
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00, Martha Johnstone.
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Toss to hands, liberty and cradle out, OK?
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I'm not wearing any panties.
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Ready? One, two.
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Liberty, ready?
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- Dude.
- Can he breathe?
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- Wow.
- Yeah.
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- It was the worst.
- Don't worry about this Amber situation.
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- It'll all work itself out in the end.
- Thanks, Pete.
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You'll laugh at this one day.
I'm laughing.
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Go at your own pace.
That's what it's there for.
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- Who goes there?
- It's me. It's Peter.
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'Tis about the matter of payment
for me membership.
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Steve be a touch short this month.
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That's all right.
Just pay me when you get the money.
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The dread pirate Steve be in no man's debt.
I'll make a barter with you.
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In exchange for your kindness,
I'll be splitting me buried treasure with you.
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Once I find it, that be.
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I'm flattered by the gesture, but
a couple of bucks here and there will be fine.
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Thanks, Peter.
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- I'll be on the StairMaster.
- OK, Steve.
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- Next time, maybe just say "hello".
- Gar.
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Hello.
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It's not my birthday till next month,
but terrific.
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I'm so sorry. Hi.
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I'm Katherine Veatch with Hawthorne Stone.
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- Your bank?
- Right. My bank.
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- You are very attractive for a banker.
- Thank you. I'm not a banker, I'm a lawyer.
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Really? What kind of law
are you involved in, pretty eyes?
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Sexual harassment, mostly.
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But I also handle real estate and tax law,
which is why I'm here.
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- This place is in default?
- No. You're in foreclosure.
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You were in default
when we sent you delinquency notices.
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- I thought those were just warnings.
- They were warnings.
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No one warned me. What happens now?
I make my payments out to somebody else?
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You have 30 days to pay the balance
of your mortgage, or you lose your gym.
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Perfect. What's the damage?
What do I owe you?
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$50,000.
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Personal cheque gonna be OK? Might have
to wait till the end of the month to cash her?
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I do have to switch some funds. The charity
I like to work with is gonna take a hit.
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Mr La Fleur, I can assure you
this is a very serious situation.
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Yeah.
This is extremely serious, Mrs Veatch.
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It's Ms. I'll need to review all of your financial
statements and assess any tax liabilities.
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Absolutely.
I don't know how you say "Ms" for "Mr",
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but if there was a "Ms Mr",
I'm a Ms as well.
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You do keep financial records?
Invoices, revenue reports, taxable income.
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You kidding? I got a closet full of 'em.
I call 'em keepers.
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- Problem is I've never really filed them.
- No kidding.
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Just out of curiosity,
who would want to buy this place anyway?
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Come on, squeeze it, squeeze it.
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Yeah, come on, come on. Get it up.
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One more, bitch. One more, bitch.
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Yeah. Yeah.
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- Now you're my bitch.
- Yeah.
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Yeah, baby.
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Involuntary spasm.
Look at the show. Enjoy the show.
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This a bad time? I could come back.
Looks like some real dude sweat going on.
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Add three pounds to the scales in the
women's locker room before you go home.
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Refreshment?
I've got protein paste, carb laxative...
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- Suffocated kumquat, perhaps?
- I'm trying to cut down on those.
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- They're good. They are good.
- Know what you mean.
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Walk with me.
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Hey, Brianna.
Cellulite seminar tomorrow, 0600.
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Nice job, Susie.
You call that a sit-up?
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Don't slack, Trevor.
I'm watching you.
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There's a good energy in the gym.
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Let me guess why you're here, Pete.
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Because I bought out
the second mortgage on your gym.
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You've got 30 days to make $50,000,
or your gym becomes my gym.
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I know we've had our differences...
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Is that what you call
sleeping with three of my female trainers?
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It was one night.
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Or the strip-o-gram you sent me
for the Globo Gym one-year anniversary?
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00:11:15,900 --> 00:11:19,100
- It was meant to be congratulatory.
- It was also a man.
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Let's not get hung up on details.
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- We're both professionals.
- Really?
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00:11:24,500 --> 00:11:27,500
Last I heard, my gym makes money.
Yours doesn't.
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00:11:27,700 --> 00:11:31,300
My gym's worth over $4 million.
Your gym isn't worth four.
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I have shareholders.
You haven't even got cupholders.
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00:11:36,100 --> 00:11:38,300
- Why would I want cupholders?
- The point is
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00:11:38,500 --> 00:11:41,400
Globo Gym is a beacon
of human physical perfection.
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A benchmark in the fitness community.
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Your "gym" is a skid mark
on the underpants of society.
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00:11:48,900 --> 00:11:53,300
See, Peter, I wasn't born
expecting the world to do me any favours.
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I earned this body
and I built this temple
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00:11:56,800 --> 00:12:00,300
out of nothing more than
a little can-do attitude and elbow grease.
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00:12:00,600 --> 00:12:03,300
And a large inheritance
from my father, Earl Goodman.
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So if I choose to level Average Joe's to build
a parking structure for my members, so be it.
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00:12:09,700 --> 00:12:11,800
There's nothing you can do about it.
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In 30 days, I'll be bulldozing that shit-heap
you call a gym into permanent nothingness.
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00:12:17,200 --> 00:12:22,300
I can only hope that you, and the mongrel
race that comprise your membership,
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are inside it when I do.
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Show Mr La Fleur out.
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Turn it up high, Reggie.
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I wanna burn.
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00:12:35,800 --> 00:12:40,500
So that's the deal. We got 30 days
to raise $50,000, or Average Joe's is history.
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00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:43,200
I got ten minutes. I'll open it up to some Q&A.
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00:12:44,700 --> 00:12:48,300
No need to raise your hands,
it's an open forum. OK, Owen, kick us off.
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00:12:48,500 --> 00:12:52,000
Yes, Peter, - and I'm just spitballing here -
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00:12:52,300 --> 00:12:56,800
but why don't we pay it off
in Canadian dollars and save some money?
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00:12:57,100 --> 00:13:01,100
Just so you know, if that's a route
you want to follow, it's 50,000 American.
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00:13:01,300 --> 00:13:04,500
It would be 70,000, roughly, Canadian dollars.
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00:13:04,800 --> 00:13:09,700
- How are we gonna come up with $120,000?
- Owen, you don't add them together.
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00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:14,100
Technically, Peter, I'm sorry to say this,
but it's more like $73,313...
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00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:17,900
It doesn't matter. We can't come up
with $50,000. We're screwed.
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00:13:18,100 --> 00:13:19,800
Gar.
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00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:25,200
- It's an insurmountable amount of money.
- No, it's not insurmountable. Come on.
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00:13:25,700 --> 00:13:28,300
We can'tjust sit back
and let Globo Gym take us over.
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00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:31,500
Average Joe's is too important.
192
00:13:31,700 --> 00:13:33,900
Where do you go
when your wife changes the locks?
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00:13:34,100 --> 00:13:36,000
- Average Joe's.
- Right.
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00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:39,900
Dwight, Owen, what will you do
if Joe's goes under? Work at the airport?
195
00:13:40,100 --> 00:13:43,900
- I ain't working at no airport again.
- No. Cos you hated it.
196
00:13:44,200 --> 00:13:48,300
And, Steve, where do you go
to do whatever it is that you do?
197
00:13:48,600 --> 00:13:52,800
- Gar. Joe's be the only place for Steve.
- Gar. You're right.
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00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:57,700
Do you see? There's no way I can go
back to working out at my high school.
199
00:13:58,000 --> 00:14:01,600
They'd laugh at me there.
Lock me in lockers, make me eat clay.
200
00:14:01,800 --> 00:14:04,600
But not here, not at Joe's.
201
00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:09,500
I need this place.
You guys need this place. Come on.
202
00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:15,000
I got it. I know how we can raise the money.
203
00:14:15,300 --> 00:14:17,800
- How?
- Car wash.
204
00:14:34,300 --> 00:14:37,700
What are the chances?
Same day, right across the street?
205
00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:39,800
The girls beat us fair and square.
206
00:14:40,100 --> 00:14:45,800
I am gonna be a gentleman about it and
congratulate every one of them, personally.
207
00:14:46,100 --> 00:14:50,600
Guys. Not to be a nay-sayer or anything,
but the only customer we've had
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00:14:50,900 --> 00:14:55,200
is that weird guy
who keeps paying Justin to wash his truck.
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00:15:00,300 --> 00:15:05,100
That's it, boy.
Get in there nice and deep, like.
210
00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:10,500
- That's not good.
- Gar. This sucks.
211
00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:24,900
Relax, Justin, it's just a cutout.
212
00:15:25,900 --> 00:15:29,200
At Globo Gym,
we're better than you and we know it.
213
00:15:29,500 --> 00:15:32,300
Sign up now.
214
00:15:32,500 --> 00:15:34,600
Do you smell that fitness? I do.
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00:15:34,800 --> 00:15:37,200
Rock it and shock it, baby.
216
00:15:37,400 --> 00:15:39,300
You gotta burn it to earn it.
217
00:15:39,500 --> 00:15:43,300
- What's in the envelope?
- Free 30-day memberships to Globo Gym.
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00:15:43,600 --> 00:15:47,200
- Cool.
- It's ajoke. He sent it to us as an insult.
219
00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:51,300
Maybe we could sell 'em for cash
cos the car wash cost us money.
220
00:15:51,600 --> 00:15:54,000
- We're further away from saving this place?
- Yes.
221
00:15:54,200 --> 00:15:56,700
- We'll never raise enough money.
- This blows.
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00:15:56,900 --> 00:15:58,800
Guys, I know this is tough to take,
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00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:02,900
but if an impromptu car wash
doesn't raise us the $50,000 we need,
224
00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:05,200
I guess itjust isn't in the cards.
225
00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:11,500
Trust me here. If there was any way in
the world we could raise $50,000 in 30 days,
226
00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:14,100
short of robbing a bank, I'd do it.
227
00:16:14,300 --> 00:16:16,400
We could sell blood and semen.
228
00:16:16,600 --> 00:16:18,400
What? Not mixed together.
229
00:16:18,600 --> 00:16:20,700
Guys, I love the enthusiasm,
230
00:16:20,900 --> 00:16:24,200
I love the energy here,
but we're looking at this the wrong way.
231
00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:27,000
Let's celebrate the good times
that was Joe's.
232
00:16:27,300 --> 00:16:30,500
We gotta start looking at this Irish-wake style.
233
00:16:33,600 --> 00:16:37,400
Let me be the first
to say goodbye to Average Joe's.
234
00:16:37,700 --> 00:16:41,600
We gave it a hell of a run, guys.
Now let's try to have some fun.
235
00:16:41,800 --> 00:16:45,100
I'm gonna put on "The Thong Song",
and we'll tear this place apart.
236
00:16:45,400 --> 00:16:47,600
Wait, wait. Peter. Peter.
237
00:16:48,400 --> 00:16:50,500
We could play dodgeball.
238
00:16:50,700 --> 00:16:55,200
That's very nice, Gordon, but everyone's
tired. Playing a game isn't gonna help.
239
00:16:55,500 --> 00:17:01,000
There's a tournament in Las Vegas.
I feel so dumb I didn't think about it before.
240
00:17:01,300 --> 00:17:04,100
I read about
the Las Vegas International Dodgeball Open
241
00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:06,500
every year in Obscure Sports Quarterly.
242
00:17:06,700 --> 00:17:09,200
Of course. That's a totally common thing.
243
00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:13,500
The best part is it's open to any team
that wins a regional qualifying match.
244
00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:19,200
- How is dodgeball gonna get us the $50,000?
- They have a cash prize for the winner.
245
00:17:19,600 --> 00:17:22,500
- How much?
- $50,000.
246
00:17:22,700 --> 00:17:25,700
Guys, we are not gonna get $50,000
for playing dodgeball.
247
00:17:25,900 --> 00:17:28,900
- Why not?
- None of us know how to play dodgeball.
248
00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:33,600
I do. We played it in PE last year.
They showed us this film about it.
249
00:17:33,900 --> 00:17:37,100
- Can you get your hands on that film?
- Sure, I guess.
250
00:17:37,300 --> 00:17:39,900
Can we please try to be serious
here for one second?
251
00:17:40,000 --> 00:17:45,200
You said anything we could do to raise
the money. This is that anything. This is it.
252
00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:48,700
Come on, show of hands.
Who wants to play dodgeball?
253
00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:51,900
Come on.
254
00:17:54,500 --> 00:17:56,900
Come on, Pete.
255
00:17:58,100 --> 00:18:01,200
You guys had me at blood and semen.
Come here.
256
00:18:04,800 --> 00:18:07,900
You want it, don't you, fat boy?
257
00:18:08,200 --> 00:18:10,100
You want that doughnut.
258
00:18:10,300 --> 00:18:12,900
Go ahead and have a bite.
259
00:18:13,100 --> 00:18:16,900
Just a little bite.
One little bite won't hurt you.
260
00:18:22,500 --> 00:18:24,300
Momma.
261
00:18:25,100 --> 00:18:29,800
- Sir, Katherine Veatch is here to see you.
- Give me 30 seconds and send her in.
262
00:18:30,100 --> 00:18:31,500
Yes, sir.
263
00:18:47,100 --> 00:18:49,100
Thank you.
264
00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:58,400
Hello, Katherine. Good to see you.
I didn't know you were dropping by.
265
00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:02,000
- You asked me to come over.
- Did I?
266
00:19:03,400 --> 00:19:06,100
Are you reading the dictionary?
267
00:19:07,900 --> 00:19:11,400
You caught me. I like to break
a mental sweat too. Grab a chair.
268
00:19:11,700 --> 00:19:17,600
So, I trust everything's going swimmingly
with our acquisition of Average Joe's?
269
00:19:17,900 --> 00:19:22,500
So far, yeah. There's a lot to do over there,
so I should probably get back.
270
00:19:22,800 --> 00:19:26,600
- That is a really interesting painting.
- Thank you.
271
00:19:26,900 --> 00:19:32,100
Yeah, that's me, taking the bull by the horns.
It's how I handle my business.
272
00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:34,400
It's a metaphor.
273
00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:38,600
- I get it.
- But that actually happened, though.
274
00:19:38,900 --> 00:19:43,800
Anyway, we're a pretty tight-knit tribe here,
but there's always room for one more squaw.
275
00:19:44,100 --> 00:19:48,100
So, please, whatever you do,
don't think of me as your boss.
276
00:19:48,400 --> 00:19:50,800
- I don't.
- I don't want to get into a formal thing.
277
00:19:51,000 --> 00:19:53,000
I'm White, you know.
278
00:19:53,200 --> 00:19:55,000
W-h-i-t.
279
00:19:57,000 --> 00:19:58,400
E.
280
00:19:58,600 --> 00:20:01,200
Thanks, Mr Goodman,
but I'm contracted by the bank.
281
00:20:01,400 --> 00:20:03,400
They just assigned me to your account.
282
00:20:03,600 --> 00:20:09,400
Right, well. You work for the bank. Bank
works for me so, ipso fact, I'm your boss.
283
00:20:09,700 --> 00:20:15,700
Point is, I would love to see your pretty
little bone structure around here some more.
284
00:20:16,100 --> 00:20:18,100
There's no reason we need to be shackled
285
00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:22,400
by the strictures of
the employee-employer relationship.
286
00:20:22,700 --> 00:20:25,100
Unless you're into that sort of thing.
287
00:20:25,300 --> 00:20:28,000
In which case,
I got some shackles in the back.
288
00:20:28,200 --> 00:20:31,700
I'm just kidding.
But seriously, I've got 'em.
289
00:20:31,900 --> 00:20:34,500
I'm just doing my job, Mr Goodman.
290
00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:40,000
In fact, I actually prefer it over there.
291
00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:43,900
Really? You like it with those freaks
over there in Loser-Town?
292
00:20:44,100 --> 00:20:47,200
They're not freaks.
They're people, just like you and me.
293
00:20:48,800 --> 00:20:50,900
People?
294
00:20:51,100 --> 00:20:53,500
"People, just like you and me."
Oh, man.
295
00:20:53,700 --> 00:20:57,400
That is what I love about you, Kate.
You've got a "personality".
296
00:20:58,500 --> 00:21:05,500
That is rich. A real sauciness
that I find extremely attractive.
297
00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:10,000
We should mate.
298
00:21:10,200 --> 00:21:11,900
- What?
- Date.
299
00:21:12,100 --> 00:21:15,100
We should date some time. Socially.
Go out and kick it.
300
00:21:17,100 --> 00:21:19,000
- Are you OK?
- I'm fine.
301
00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:22,400
I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
302
00:21:23,700 --> 00:21:26,900
In some cultures, they only eat vomit.
303
00:21:27,100 --> 00:21:30,800
I never been there,
but I read about it in a book.
304
00:21:31,100 --> 00:21:34,600
I'm sorry, Mr Goodman.
I don't date clients.
305
00:21:36,500 --> 00:21:38,200
I get it.
306
00:21:38,400 --> 00:21:41,800
Don't crap where you eat. I understand.
307
00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:45,700
Me'Shell.
Please escort Ms Veatch out.
308
00:21:47,500 --> 00:21:51,500
And, Katherine, make sure
my acquisition of that gym goes smoothly.
309
00:21:51,800 --> 00:21:54,900
They're up to something over there.
I can smell it.
310
00:22:02,300 --> 00:22:07,900
Ûber-American Instructional films,
teaching America's youth since 1938.
311
00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:16,800
Hey, there, Timmy.
312
00:22:16,900 --> 00:22:20,500
Holy mackerel, mister.
You scared the jeepers out of me.
313
00:22:20,800 --> 00:22:24,500
How'd you like to take a break
from that fine lead-based paint,
314
00:22:24,800 --> 00:22:26,100
and learn about dodgeball?
315
00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:28,000
Boy, would I.
316
00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:35,200
- Where am I, mister?
- You're in a Chinese opium den, Timmy.
317
00:22:35,500 --> 00:22:38,800
This is where dodgeball
was invented in the 15th century,
318
00:22:39,000 --> 00:22:41,300
by opium-addicted Chinamen.
319
00:22:41,500 --> 00:22:44,800
Back then, the Chinamen threw
severed human heads at each another
320
00:22:45,100 --> 00:22:48,300
instead of the ADAA-approved balls
we use today.
321
00:22:51,000 --> 00:22:52,000
ADAA?
322
00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:55,800
That's the American Dodgeball
Association of America.
323
00:22:56,000 --> 00:23:01,300
Dodgeball is played with six players
on each team, and six rubber balls.
324
00:23:01,700 --> 00:23:04,800
The object of the game
is to eliminate the opposing players.
325
00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:09,300
Once all the players on one team are
eliminated, the opposing team wins.
326
00:23:09,600 --> 00:23:13,500
Wow. I can't wait
to get the fellas together and play.
327
00:23:15,600 --> 00:23:18,400
Hang on a second there, sport.
328
00:23:18,700 --> 00:23:21,600
- Patches O'Houlihan.
- That's right, Timmy.
329
00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:27,600
Patches O'Houlihan. Seven-time ADAA
All-Star is here to take you the rest of the way.
330
00:23:27,900 --> 00:23:31,400
- Jeepers. Really?
- You betcha, champ.
331
00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:35,900
If you catch a ball that's thrown at you
before it hits the ground,
332
00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:39,500
the player who threw that ball is out,
not you.
333
00:23:39,700 --> 00:23:44,300
Plus, another player from your team
gets to come back into the game.
334
00:23:44,600 --> 00:23:48,000
- It's a two-player swing.
- Thanks, Patches.
335
00:23:48,300 --> 00:23:51,000
I can't wait to start my own team at school.
336
00:23:51,200 --> 00:23:53,200
Attaboy, Tiger.
337
00:23:53,400 --> 00:23:58,800
But remember, dodgeball is a sport
of violence, exclusion and degradation.
338
00:23:59,100 --> 00:24:02,100
So, when you're picking players in gym class,
339
00:24:02,300 --> 00:24:06,300
remember to pick the bigger,
stronger kids for your team.
340
00:24:06,600 --> 00:24:12,000
That way, you can all gang up
on the weaker ones, like Winston here.
341
00:24:17,200 --> 00:24:20,000
Nice one, son.
You'll be an all-star yet.
342
00:24:20,300 --> 00:24:23,700
Just remember the five Ds of dodgeball.
343
00:24:23,900 --> 00:24:26,600
Dodge, duck, dip, dive and
344
00:24:26,800 --> 00:24:28,300
dodge.
345
00:24:28,500 --> 00:24:31,400
Till next time.
This is Patches O'Houlihan,
346
00:24:31,600 --> 00:24:36,100
saying, "Take care of your balls
and they'll take care of you."
347
00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:40,700
OK, guys. Any questions? Great.
348
00:24:40,900 --> 00:24:45,600
I signed us up for the sub-regional qualifier
tomorrow at the Waldorf rec centre.
349
00:24:45,900 --> 00:24:47,700
But we haven't even practised yet.
350
00:24:47,900 --> 00:24:51,600
We have to qualify for the Vegas Open.
Tomorrow's regional's our last chance.
351
00:24:51,900 --> 00:24:57,100
Everyone, just relax. I've always found
the best way to learn a sport is by playing it.
352
00:24:57,400 --> 00:25:00,100
If anyone needs me,
I'll be in my office doing Mad Libs.
353
00:25:00,300 --> 00:25:02,400
Thanks, Peter. Appreciate that a lot.
354
00:25:02,600 --> 00:25:04,400
OK, I think everybody knows...
355
00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:11,900
- Don't you have an office of your own?
- Yes, I do have an office.
356
00:25:12,200 --> 00:25:15,000
A very nice office
with a view and air-conditioning.
357
00:25:15,200 --> 00:25:18,300
- Rub it in.
- What I don't have in my office is a closet
358
00:25:18,500 --> 00:25:23,300
of 30 years of financial transactions,
devoid of any filing system known to man.
359
00:25:23,700 --> 00:25:27,500
Hard to believe I only got a semester
ofjunior college under my belt.
360
00:25:27,700 --> 00:25:32,400
Do you realise you haven't collected
any membership fees in 13 months?
361
00:25:32,700 --> 00:25:36,600
I'm curious. Is it strictly apathy,
or do you really not have a goal in life?
362
00:25:36,900 --> 00:25:40,400
I found that if you have a goal,
you might not reach it.
363
00:25:40,700 --> 00:25:44,200
But if you don't have one,
then you are never disappointed.
364
00:25:44,400 --> 00:25:48,700
I gotta tell you, it feels phenomenal.
365
00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:52,200
I guess that makes sense, in a really sad way.
366
00:25:52,400 --> 00:25:55,000
Sad? You wanna know what's sad?
367
00:25:55,200 --> 00:25:57,900
Six grown men playing dodgeball.
368
00:25:58,600 --> 00:26:02,500
Since I'm here, I'm gonna go ahead
and do some abs, go shock it up.
369
00:26:02,800 --> 00:26:06,400
I like to work out all the time
for this kind of sporting event.
370
00:26:06,600 --> 00:26:09,300
Gotta be limber and loose.
That's the only way to play.
371
00:26:09,500 --> 00:26:13,900
Hey, you guys take vitamins?
I take vitamins all the time...
372
00:26:16,500 --> 00:26:18,800
Dodgeball, eh?
373
00:26:19,000 --> 00:26:23,800
If Peter La Fleur thinks a few
red rubber balls can save his sorry gym,
374
00:26:24,100 --> 00:26:26,900
he's in for quite a surprise.
375
00:26:35,300 --> 00:26:38,100
- Sorry I'm late, guys.
- Hey, Pete.
376
00:26:38,300 --> 00:26:42,500
- Bad morning, boss?
- They usually follow good nights, Dwight.
377
00:26:42,800 --> 00:26:44,800
- Hey, Gord, your family's here.
- Where?
378
00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:47,200
- Right over there.
- Great.
379
00:26:47,400 --> 00:26:50,600
She knows I don't like it
when she watches me. I get all nervous.
380
00:26:50,800 --> 00:26:53,600
- Kids take after you.
- Yeah. She's their stepmother.
381
00:26:53,800 --> 00:26:56,700
I remarried three years ago.
An Internet mail-order thing.
382
00:26:57,000 --> 00:27:01,000
- How's that working out for you?
- Really great. Really great.
383
00:27:01,200 --> 00:27:02,600
Hey, honey.
384
00:27:04,500 --> 00:27:07,400
L for love. Good times.
385
00:27:07,600 --> 00:27:09,600
L for love? That doesn't mean love...
386
00:27:09,800 --> 00:27:12,200
People have different translations for things.
387
00:27:12,400 --> 00:27:16,700
That's a special bond that you have with
your mail-order wife. I think that's nice.
388
00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:19,100
- How many teams are in this qualifier?
- Two.
389
00:27:19,300 --> 00:27:21,600
If we beat this team,
we're in the Vegas Open?
390
00:27:21,800 --> 00:27:23,600
- Yeah.
- That seems pretty simple.
391
00:27:23,800 --> 00:27:28,600
- Who's the other team?
- I have it right here. Just a sec.
392
00:27:28,900 --> 00:27:33,300
- Troop 417.
- Christ. We're playing Boy Scouts?
393
00:27:34,100 --> 00:27:35,300
Not quite.
394
00:27:44,000 --> 00:27:45,500
Bollocks.
395
00:27:51,200 --> 00:27:53,200
Troop 417, ready.
396
00:27:53,400 --> 00:27:55,000
Average Joe's, ready.
397
00:27:56,900 --> 00:27:58,500
Set. Dodgeball.
398
00:28:27,000 --> 00:28:29,300
I'm gonna send you to hell.
399
00:28:39,200 --> 00:28:44,200
- I'm really sorry. Are you all right?
- Why would you hit a girl? Why?
400
00:28:44,600 --> 00:28:46,500
I am so sorry. Are you OK?
401
00:28:48,900 --> 00:28:51,200
Winner - Troop 417.
402
00:28:51,400 --> 00:28:53,400
In your face.
403
00:28:53,600 --> 00:28:57,800
You're adopted.
Your parents don't even love you.
404
00:29:00,400 --> 00:29:06,100
And now, without further ado,
it gives me great pleasure to award...
405
00:29:09,200 --> 00:29:12,300
I'm sorry.
We have a bit of a problem here.
406
00:29:13,100 --> 00:29:16,200
Unfortunately for Troop 417,
407
00:29:16,500 --> 00:29:20,300
during the ADAA-required
random drug screening,
408
00:29:20,500 --> 00:29:25,700
one of your player's urine tested positive
for three separate types of anabolic steroids,
409
00:29:26,100 --> 00:29:29,800
and a low-grade beaver tranquilliser.
410
00:29:30,000 --> 00:29:34,000
I'm afraid, by rule,
your team must be disqualified.
411
00:29:34,800 --> 00:29:37,000
Goddamn you, Bernice.
412
00:29:37,800 --> 00:29:41,100
By the power vested in me,
I declare the winner of this year's
413
00:29:41,400 --> 00:29:46,600
Dodgeball Regional Qualifying Tournament
and Grammar Jamboree to be
414
00:29:46,900 --> 00:29:48,700
Average Joe's Gym.
415
00:29:51,600 --> 00:29:53,300
You lied.
416
00:30:00,400 --> 00:30:05,300
All I'm saying to you, Kate, is that you can
admit the real reason why you showed up.
417
00:30:05,600 --> 00:30:09,900
I was in the neighbourhood and
I thought you could use a cheering section.
418
00:30:10,200 --> 00:30:13,700
Kate, if you wannajoin the team,
all you have to do is ask.
419
00:30:13,900 --> 00:30:16,600
Thank you, Peter. I don't.
420
00:30:17,700 --> 00:30:20,400
It is obvious that you dig me.
421
00:30:20,600 --> 00:30:22,500
- You're hooked on La Fleur.
- God.
422
00:30:22,700 --> 00:30:27,500
I've been through this many times. I'm sorry.
You can't stay away from me. I'm so stupid.
423
00:30:27,800 --> 00:30:33,600
I'll admit that, in spite of yourself, you have
brief moments where you're not completely...
424
00:30:35,500 --> 00:30:38,400
What? I'm not completely what?
425
00:30:38,600 --> 00:30:41,300
Pathetic.
426
00:30:42,100 --> 00:30:45,100
Hey, White. I didn't think
that Nazi camp got out until eight.
427
00:30:45,300 --> 00:30:49,600
- Did you decide to skip arts and crafts?
- Yes, I did.
428
00:30:49,900 --> 00:30:53,800
Hello, Kate.
I wasn't aware I was paying you to socialise.
429
00:30:54,100 --> 00:31:00,600
- You're not. I'm off the clock.
- Isn't it "convenient" for you, and the clock?
430
00:31:00,900 --> 00:31:04,800
I dropped by to congratulate you
on your victory by disqualification
431
00:31:05,100 --> 00:31:09,000
and introduce you to the team that
will win the Las Vegas Dodgeball Open.
432
00:31:09,300 --> 00:31:10,900
My team.
433
00:31:12,200 --> 00:31:14,600
Allow me the pleasure of introducing you to
434
00:31:14,800 --> 00:31:16,800
Blade.
435
00:31:17,800 --> 00:31:19,800
Laser.
436
00:31:21,000 --> 00:31:23,100
Blazer.
437
00:31:23,200 --> 00:31:26,600
I've believe you've met
my fitness consigliere, Me'Shell.
438
00:31:26,900 --> 00:31:31,300
- We met.
- And I almost forgot our last player.
439
00:31:31,600 --> 00:31:36,300
Meet Fran Stalinofskivitchdavitovichski.
440
00:31:46,700 --> 00:31:50,700
In her home country of Romanovia,
dodgeball is the national sport.
441
00:31:51,000 --> 00:31:55,200
Her nuclear power plant's team won
the championship five years running,
442
00:31:55,500 --> 00:32:00,500
which makes her the deadliest woman
on earth with a dodgeball.
443
00:32:00,800 --> 00:32:02,500
Ball me, Blazer.
444
00:32:03,000 --> 00:32:05,300
Show them, Fran.
445
00:32:09,700 --> 00:32:12,400
That's just her change-up.
446
00:32:12,700 --> 00:32:14,600
End of demo.
447
00:32:14,700 --> 00:32:17,500
We are the Globo Gym Purple Cobras
448
00:32:17,800 --> 00:32:21,400
and we will, we will rock you.
449
00:32:25,900 --> 00:32:28,700
I think that guy might really be dead.
450
00:32:30,500 --> 00:32:34,600
Wait a minute. How can you be
entered in the Las Vegas Open?
451
00:32:34,900 --> 00:32:37,100
You didn't win a regional qualifying match.
452
00:32:37,300 --> 00:32:40,400
Oh, my God. We never even won
a regional qualifying match.
453
00:32:40,600 --> 00:32:42,600
Yeah. Now I remember.
454
00:32:42,800 --> 00:32:46,400
The dodgeball chancellor's
an extremely personal friend of mine.
455
00:32:46,700 --> 00:32:49,800
I helped him shed some unwanted poundage
before beach season.
456
00:32:50,000 --> 00:32:52,600
So close your rule book
on that one, Poindextor.
457
00:32:52,800 --> 00:32:57,200
White, we didn't come here to "rumble".
We came here to celebrate as a team.
458
00:32:57,500 --> 00:33:00,500
There's plenty of bar here
for you and the Globo-nauts.
459
00:33:00,700 --> 00:33:02,400
Team?
460
00:33:02,600 --> 00:33:06,400
What team?
Your best player thinks he's a pirate.
461
00:33:10,000 --> 00:33:13,300
First of all, he is way more
of a pirate than you will ever be.
462
00:33:13,500 --> 00:33:18,700
Secondly, we don't know who our best player
is yet. We've only had one game.
463
00:33:19,000 --> 00:33:23,600
- It could be any one of us at this point.
- Go ahead, make yourjokes, Mr
464
00:33:23,900 --> 00:33:25,900
Jokey... Joke-maker.
465
00:33:26,100 --> 00:33:28,900
But let me hit you with
some knowledge. Quit now.
466
00:33:29,100 --> 00:33:34,100
Save yourself the embarrassment of losing
with these losers in Las Vegas, La Fleur.
467
00:33:34,400 --> 00:33:37,500
Alliteration aside,
I'll take my chances in the tournament.
468
00:33:37,700 --> 00:33:42,100
- Yeah, you will take your chances.
- I know. I just said that.
469
00:33:42,400 --> 00:33:45,400
- I know you did.
- I'm not sure where you're going with this.
470
00:33:45,700 --> 00:33:49,000
- I'm not sure where you're going with this.
- That's what I said.
471
00:33:49,200 --> 00:33:53,300
- That's what I'm saying to you.
- All right.
472
00:33:53,600 --> 00:33:55,100
Touché.
473
00:33:57,900 --> 00:34:00,800
We're gonna split,
but we'll see you at the tournament.
474
00:34:01,000 --> 00:34:05,800
And, La Fleur, best bring your bib
cos it's gonna get messy.
475
00:34:10,700 --> 00:34:12,700
Are you all right? You OK?
476
00:34:15,000 --> 00:34:17,100
Let's bounce. Cobras.
477
00:34:20,600 --> 00:34:26,400
OK, guys, let's just get ourselves cleaned up
and head on home, all right?
478
00:34:33,200 --> 00:34:34,400
Hey, you.
479
00:34:34,600 --> 00:34:39,200
That was the worst damn display
of dodgeball I've seen in 40 years.
480
00:34:39,500 --> 00:34:42,800
You want a dodgeball victory,
you've gotta grab it by its haunches
481
00:34:43,000 --> 00:34:46,300
and hump it into submission.
That's the only way.
482
00:34:46,500 --> 00:34:49,700
OK, crazy guy. I'm gonna go home now.
483
00:34:50,000 --> 00:34:53,000
I ain't crazy and I ain't a guy.
484
00:34:54,300 --> 00:34:57,100
The name's Patches O'Houlihan.
485
00:34:57,300 --> 00:34:59,900
I'm your new coach.
486
00:35:00,100 --> 00:35:02,900
Patches O'Houlihan?
The guy from the dodgeball film?
487
00:35:03,100 --> 00:35:05,800
- Yeah. He said he wants to coach us.
- You said yes?
488
00:35:06,000 --> 00:35:09,900
I figured the steady hand of a seasoned
dodgeball coach could only benefit us.
489
00:35:10,200 --> 00:35:13,200
A'iight.
But he's not weird or anything, is he?
490
00:35:13,400 --> 00:35:16,100
No. No, he's totally normal.
491
00:35:27,300 --> 00:35:30,600
I love the smell of queef in the morning.
492
00:35:30,900 --> 00:35:32,900
I mean normal for us.
493
00:35:33,500 --> 00:35:35,300
Line up, ladies.
494
00:35:35,400 --> 00:35:37,700
- What does he mean, line up?
- Now.
495
00:35:40,900 --> 00:35:44,600
If you're gonna learn to be
true dodgeballers,
496
00:35:44,800 --> 00:35:48,500
then you've got to learn
the five Ds of dodgeball:
497
00:35:48,800 --> 00:35:51,700
dodge, duck, dip, dive and dodge.
498
00:35:51,900 --> 00:35:57,700
If you master the five Ds,
no amount of balls on earth can hit you.
499
00:35:59,200 --> 00:36:02,300
- Queer bait, go ahead.
- Me, or...
500
00:36:02,600 --> 00:36:07,300
Yeah, shouldn't we learn by dodging balls
that are thrown at us, or...
501
00:36:07,600 --> 00:36:10,800
That's what this sack of wrenches is for.
502
00:36:16,200 --> 00:36:18,800
If you can dodge a wrench,
you can dodge a ball.
503
00:36:18,900 --> 00:36:20,900
What?
504
00:36:30,800 --> 00:36:32,500
Any other questions?
505
00:36:32,700 --> 00:36:34,800
My God.
506
00:36:35,000 --> 00:36:39,900
Yeah. Patches, are you sure
that this is completely necessary?
507
00:36:40,200 --> 00:36:42,600
Necessary?
508
00:36:42,800 --> 00:36:46,900
- Is it necessary for me to drink my urine?
- Probably not.
509
00:36:47,200 --> 00:36:52,000
No. But I do it anyway
because it's sterile and I like the taste.
510
00:36:52,300 --> 00:36:53,700
OK.
511
00:36:53,800 --> 00:36:59,000
If you're leading this squad, La Fleur, you've
got to learn to do the dance in the dark.
512
00:37:00,100 --> 00:37:02,000
Here, put that on.
513
00:37:02,200 --> 00:37:04,400
All right, ladies, buckle up.
514
00:37:04,900 --> 00:37:06,200
It's showtime.
515
00:37:09,100 --> 00:37:11,500
Dodge, duck, dip. Dive.
516
00:37:13,200 --> 00:37:14,700
Dodge.
517
00:37:14,900 --> 00:37:16,700
Dive.
518
00:37:16,900 --> 00:37:20,000
Dip. Dive. Dodge.
519
00:37:20,900 --> 00:37:25,400
I've got three weeks to whip you
suck-ass failure junkies into shape.
520
00:37:25,600 --> 00:37:29,000
Come on. I get better runs in my shorts.
521
00:37:29,800 --> 00:37:34,700
Catch a ball, one of their guys goes out.
One of our guys comes back in.
522
00:37:35,000 --> 00:37:38,100
That's the way you hurt 'em.
That's the way you win.
523
00:37:41,000 --> 00:37:42,900
Let's go. A little hustle here.
524
00:37:50,100 --> 00:37:51,700
That's really good, Peter.
525
00:37:55,600 --> 00:37:59,700
Come on. Only 19 miles to go.
526
00:38:03,600 --> 00:38:04,800
Attaboy.
527
00:38:06,700 --> 00:38:08,600
Next man.
528
00:38:08,800 --> 00:38:11,900
Good luck to you, Gordon.
Remember it's 90% mental.
529
00:38:12,100 --> 00:38:13,000
Okey-dokey.
530
00:38:13,200 --> 00:38:17,300
If you can dodge traffic,
you can dodge a ball.
531
00:38:21,100 --> 00:38:23,000
You got it, Gord.
532
00:38:28,000 --> 00:38:31,000
- I'm fine. I'm OK.
- OK, there.
533
00:38:38,000 --> 00:38:40,000
- Man.
- Wake up, Smithy.
534
00:38:45,900 --> 00:38:50,100
Hell, son. You're about as useful
as a cock-flavoured lollipop.
535
00:38:51,000 --> 00:38:53,300
Quick feet, fast hands.
536
00:38:53,500 --> 00:38:55,400
Catch it and throw.
537
00:38:56,100 --> 00:39:00,800
Pick up the pace. What a bunch of females.
538
00:39:04,700 --> 00:39:07,500
Jesus. Gimme that.
539
00:39:08,900 --> 00:39:12,000
You couldn't hit water
if you fell out of a boat.
540
00:39:12,200 --> 00:39:15,000
Where's your killer instinct?
You gotta get angry.
541
00:39:15,200 --> 00:39:18,700
You gotta get mean.
That's the only way you can play.
542
00:39:19,600 --> 00:39:22,200
I guess I'm not really an angry person.
543
00:39:26,600 --> 00:39:29,200
Are you angry now?
544
00:39:29,400 --> 00:39:34,100
- Breathe it out.
- Come on, let's get going here.
545
00:39:41,800 --> 00:39:43,700
Little help?
546
00:39:52,900 --> 00:39:55,700
What? Eight years of softball.
547
00:39:55,900 --> 00:39:59,500
- Man, she gotta be a lesbian.
- She is not a lesbian.
548
00:39:59,700 --> 00:40:02,300
All I know is that dyke can play.
549
00:40:14,100 --> 00:40:16,100
Come on, come on.
550
00:40:16,300 --> 00:40:18,800
- Please.
- We need you. You're really good.
551
00:40:19,000 --> 00:40:20,900
Owen'll be team manager if you play.
552
00:40:21,100 --> 00:40:22,600
- I will?
- Shut up.
553
00:40:22,800 --> 00:40:25,600
Look, I find White Goodman creepy,
just like you do...
554
00:40:25,800 --> 00:40:28,100
All the more reason for you to join us.
555
00:40:28,300 --> 00:40:31,500
Come on, Kate.
Time to put your mouth where our balls are.
556
00:40:31,700 --> 00:40:35,800
Sorry, I can't. I'm under contract.
It'd be a conflict of interest.
557
00:40:36,500 --> 00:40:38,600
Suit yourself.
558
00:40:38,800 --> 00:40:42,400
All right, you heard Billie-Jean King.
No crying in the breast milk.
559
00:40:42,700 --> 00:40:44,800
We got plenty of work to do. Let's go.
560
00:40:48,700 --> 00:40:52,200
We punch the pizza dough down,
and it's time to sauce it up.
561
00:40:52,500 --> 00:40:54,500
Boy, is my mouth watering.
562
00:40:54,700 --> 00:40:58,000
You want to put a big dollop
of that tangy red on the dough,
563
00:40:58,200 --> 00:41:01,000
then use the cheese to shove it to the edge.
564
00:41:01,300 --> 00:41:03,300
Sir, I need you to take a look at...
565
00:41:03,400 --> 00:41:05,200
No. What...
566
00:41:05,400 --> 00:41:10,000
What...
What have I said about knocking?
567
00:41:10,300 --> 00:41:12,500
- Always knock.
- Sorry, sir.
568
00:41:12,700 --> 00:41:18,000
What is so important that you need to
interrupt me in my private reflection period?
569
00:41:18,800 --> 00:41:20,800
These.
570
00:41:24,900 --> 00:41:29,300
- They're getting better.
- Yes. I can see that, Me'Shell.
571
00:41:29,600 --> 00:41:33,900
I'm through playing games. It's time
to end this square dance once and for all.
572
00:41:34,200 --> 00:41:36,200
What about the girl? She can throw.
573
00:41:36,400 --> 00:41:40,300
I'll simply have to woo Kate
a bit sooner than nature intended.
574
00:41:40,600 --> 00:41:43,300
But rest assured, Me'Shell.
575
00:41:43,500 --> 00:41:48,800
There's no resisting when
White Goodman puts on his shiny shoes.
576
00:42:10,000 --> 00:42:12,100
- Who is it?
- It's White.
577
00:42:14,800 --> 00:42:17,600
- Surprise.
- White.
578
00:42:19,100 --> 00:42:21,900
What... What are you doing here?
579
00:42:22,200 --> 00:42:24,500
How do you know where I live?
580
00:42:24,700 --> 00:42:26,800
It's called the Freedom of Information Act.
581
00:42:27,000 --> 00:42:30,600
The hippies finally got something right.
Just kiddin'. Not really.
582
00:42:30,800 --> 00:42:34,400
Hey. I got some great news. Sit down.
583
00:42:37,500 --> 00:42:39,500
- What is it?
- You're fired.
584
00:42:39,700 --> 00:42:41,300
- I'm what?
- You're fired.
585
00:42:41,400 --> 00:42:45,100
I told the bank that you were stealing
and drinking on the job. They bought it.
586
00:42:45,400 --> 00:42:48,500
They signed some other
pencil pusher to my account.
587
00:42:48,700 --> 00:42:50,900
Why would you do that?
588
00:42:51,600 --> 00:42:54,200
I'm here to begin my courtship of you, Kate.
589
00:42:54,400 --> 00:42:57,300
- You fired me so I'd date you?
- Yuh-huh.
590
00:42:57,500 --> 00:43:00,200
You are a crazy little man.
591
00:43:00,400 --> 00:43:03,000
I know you've been hiding
some feelings for me.
592
00:43:03,200 --> 00:43:05,200
Yeah. Nausea.
593
00:43:05,400 --> 00:43:08,700
If you don't leave in two seconds,
you'll know how that feels.
594
00:43:10,600 --> 00:43:13,300
You like the freaky stuff, huh?
That's cool.
595
00:43:14,400 --> 00:43:16,200
I can be naughty, too.
596
00:43:17,900 --> 00:43:20,300
Real, freakin' naughty.
597
00:43:22,000 --> 00:43:23,900
- You a naughty freak?
- Need help leaving?
598
00:43:26,200 --> 00:43:27,800
This doesn't concern you, La Fleur.
599
00:43:27,900 --> 00:43:31,100
Not nearly as much as your hair does.
That's for sure.
600
00:43:31,400 --> 00:43:35,100
But I believe she asked you to leave.
601
00:43:37,200 --> 00:43:41,700
I get it. You caught the scent
of a lesser stag in your nostrils.
602
00:43:42,000 --> 00:43:46,300
Pity. I'll let you have
your little moment, La Fleur,
603
00:43:46,600 --> 00:43:53,700
cos after this tournament, your gym,
your life and your gal are gonna be mine.
604
00:43:54,100 --> 00:43:56,200
All mine.
605
00:43:56,900 --> 00:43:58,800
To be continued...
606
00:43:59,000 --> 00:44:01,700
You don't get to touch me, ever.
607
00:44:01,900 --> 00:44:04,200
OK, Romeo. Let me help you up.
608
00:44:04,400 --> 00:44:07,900
Get off me.
Don't you touch me.
609
00:44:10,200 --> 00:44:13,100
It is over between us, Kate.
610
00:44:13,300 --> 00:44:16,200
Nobody makes me bleed my own blood.
Nobody.
611
00:44:30,600 --> 00:44:33,900
- At least that wasn't weird.
- Yeah.
612
00:44:34,100 --> 00:44:36,900
- Do I smell cookies?
- Hey.
613
00:44:38,500 --> 00:44:40,800
Dear Barbara.
614
00:44:48,200 --> 00:44:50,100
I like unicorns.
615
00:44:52,900 --> 00:44:55,000
I know you said no to joining the team,
616
00:44:55,200 --> 00:44:58,900
but I'd like you to reconsider
as a personal favour to me.
617
00:44:59,200 --> 00:45:00,800
- Peter...
- Before you answer,
618
00:45:00,900 --> 00:45:03,400
you should know you'd have
your own changing room.
619
00:45:03,700 --> 00:45:05,800
- Really?
- Sort of.
620
00:45:07,100 --> 00:45:09,200
And there's also this.
621
00:45:10,200 --> 00:45:12,300
- OK, what's this?
- I overdid.
622
00:45:14,800 --> 00:45:18,300
Look at you. Two expired movie passes
623
00:45:18,600 --> 00:45:23,000
and a coupon for one free back rub
from Peter La Fleur.
624
00:45:23,300 --> 00:45:27,800
- Play your cards right, could be a full body.
- Will you just stop, please?
625
00:45:28,000 --> 00:45:31,800
I don't want your perk package.
I don't want your back rub.
626
00:45:32,100 --> 00:45:35,700
I just want to see White Goodman's face
when we win that tournament.
627
00:45:36,000 --> 00:45:38,200
- You're in?
- I'm in.
628
00:45:42,500 --> 00:45:47,200
Las Vegas. A city built of hot sand,
broken dreams and $5 lobster.
629
00:45:47,500 --> 00:45:51,100
A city where you can get a happy ending,
if you pay a little extra.
630
00:45:51,400 --> 00:45:54,600
A city home to a sporting event
greater than the World Cup,
631
00:45:54,800 --> 00:45:59,100
World Series and World War II combined.
632
00:45:59,400 --> 00:46:03,500
Live from Las Vegas, it's the Las Vegas
International Dodgeball Open
633
00:46:03,800 --> 00:46:06,500
here on ESPN8 - the "Ocho" -
634
00:46:06,700 --> 00:46:11,200
bringing you the finest in seldom-seen sports
from around the globe since 1999.
635
00:46:11,500 --> 00:46:14,800
If it's almost a sport, we've got it here.
636
00:46:15,100 --> 00:46:20,600
Hello, everybody, and welcome to this year's
Las Vegas International Dodgeball Open
637
00:46:20,900 --> 00:46:24,100
brought to you exclusively
here on ESPN8 - the "Ocho".
638
00:46:24,300 --> 00:46:27,900
We're coming to you live from
the Las Vegas University Learning Annex.
639
00:46:28,200 --> 00:46:29,900
My name is Cotton McKnight
640
00:46:30,100 --> 00:46:33,800
and with me, as always,
is my partner in crime, Pepper Brooks.
641
00:46:34,000 --> 00:46:35,800
Yeah. Cotton, hey.
642
00:46:36,000 --> 00:46:41,200
Everybody, 32 teams in play, that means
four wins is gonna get you in the final match,
643
00:46:41,600 --> 00:46:44,900
the fifth win getting you
the 50K that everyone's chasing.
644
00:46:45,100 --> 00:46:46,100
Cotton.
645
00:46:46,200 --> 00:46:51,300
There's an electricity in the air,
a palpable hue of anticipation.
646
00:46:51,700 --> 00:46:55,100
Immortality - five simple victories away.
647
00:46:55,300 --> 00:46:59,900
They've come from all over - Kathmandu
to Timbuktu, and all points in-between -
648
00:47:00,200 --> 00:47:04,500
to compete in the one
true human test - dodgeball.
649
00:47:05,500 --> 00:47:08,000
A reminder.
All players must be vaccinated
650
00:47:08,200 --> 00:47:12,300
for cholera, syphilis and shingles
before play begins.
651
00:47:12,600 --> 00:47:16,900
Again, dyslexic players
will not be allowed on the court.
652
00:47:17,200 --> 00:47:21,400
Team Blitzkrieg to the tournament floor
for a first-round match.
653
00:47:21,700 --> 00:47:24,900
Only ADAA balls will be used.
654
00:47:25,100 --> 00:47:28,800
Personal balls of any kind
are strictly prohibited.
655
00:47:29,100 --> 00:47:31,500
- Hey.
- Hey. What's in the box?
656
00:47:31,700 --> 00:47:36,100
Guys, I figured a real dodgeball team
needs real dodgeball uniforms.
657
00:47:36,400 --> 00:47:40,100
So I threw out those old ratty ones
and designed these myself.
658
00:47:40,400 --> 00:47:44,500
All right. Now we got our thing going on,
maybe we'll start smacking each other.
659
00:47:44,700 --> 00:47:46,700
I hope everything fits.
660
00:47:48,900 --> 00:47:51,400
- Wait.
- Nice.
661
00:47:51,600 --> 00:47:55,900
This isn't right.
This isn't what I ordered.
662
00:48:00,100 --> 00:48:03,700
- What's this?
- What the hell is that? This is screwed up.
663
00:48:04,700 --> 00:48:07,600
- What are we supposed to do now?
- Don't worry.
664
00:48:07,900 --> 00:48:10,000
- We'll play in what we've got on.
- We can't.
665
00:48:10,200 --> 00:48:12,800
ADAA rules require we wear
matching uniforms.
666
00:48:13,000 --> 00:48:17,000
I don't think they require ass-less chaps, OK?
667
00:48:17,300 --> 00:48:22,300
Everybody, calm down. We've got plenty
of time to find other uniforms before we play.
668
00:48:22,600 --> 00:48:26,000
Ladies, we gotta get on the court
or we're gonna forfeit the game.
669
00:48:26,200 --> 00:48:29,900
Come on, let's go.
Let's see some movement. Chop-chop.
670
00:48:30,200 --> 00:48:32,100
I don't see any movement. Let's go.
671
00:48:42,700 --> 00:48:45,500
How about those dodgeball dancers, folks?
672
00:48:45,700 --> 00:48:49,400
- That is some good, clean, family fun, Cot.
- Right you are.
673
00:48:49,700 --> 00:48:52,100
Here comes Germany's Team Blitzkrieg.
674
00:48:52,300 --> 00:48:55,500
The reigning European champ
hopes to extend their empire here.
675
00:48:55,700 --> 00:48:57,700
Appeasement be damned.
676
00:48:57,900 --> 00:49:01,100
Here comes
the relatively unknown challengers,
677
00:49:01,400 --> 00:49:05,400
a regional qualifying team,
Average Joe's Gymnasium.
678
00:49:15,400 --> 00:49:17,500
My sweet Jesus.
679
00:49:18,600 --> 00:49:20,600
That's rad.
680
00:49:20,800 --> 00:49:23,500
Hey, asshole, you guys suck.
681
00:49:24,000 --> 00:49:26,500
Thank you. Nice to be in Vegas.
682
00:49:26,700 --> 00:49:29,200
Hi. We're all here and
683
00:49:29,400 --> 00:49:31,300
we are ready to play.
684
00:49:34,200 --> 00:49:36,600
- OK.
- OK.
685
00:49:38,600 --> 00:49:42,600
We get our first glimpse of the Average Joe's
squad, sporting unwieldy uniforms.
686
00:49:42,900 --> 00:49:45,600
I feel like I'm watching a Cher video.
687
00:49:45,800 --> 00:49:47,700
Average Joe's, ready.
688
00:49:47,900 --> 00:49:49,800
Blitzkrieg, ready.
689
00:49:49,900 --> 00:49:51,200
Dodgeball.
690
00:49:51,400 --> 00:49:56,000
And we're under way. Average Joe's
versus the heavily favoured German team.
691
00:49:56,300 --> 00:50:00,000
Of course, S&M gear first made
popular by the lyric poet, Sappho,
692
00:50:00,300 --> 00:50:03,200
- from the island of Lesbos.
- Clean hit. You're out.
693
00:50:03,400 --> 00:50:08,000
Leather and latex belong in the bedroom,
not on the dodgeball court.
694
00:50:08,300 --> 00:50:13,500
Where's that training?
Dodge, duck, dip, dive, dodge.
695
00:50:14,200 --> 00:50:18,500
Captain Peter La Fleur gets eliminated
and coach O'Houlihan is not happy.
696
00:50:26,100 --> 00:50:28,600
This Average Joe's team
doesn't look up to snuff.
697
00:50:30,000 --> 00:50:33,300
Midline infraction.
You went over the line, you're out.
698
00:50:33,500 --> 00:50:35,900
The Average Joe's catches a break there.
699
00:50:36,100 --> 00:50:39,500
The Germans still dominating
this Maginot Line-like defence.
700
00:50:39,800 --> 00:50:42,200
Good toss by the submissive out there.
701
00:50:42,400 --> 00:50:46,400
Just two players left for Joe...
Check that. Make it one.
702
00:50:46,700 --> 00:50:49,500
Looks like Average Joe's
might be heading home early.
703
00:50:50,100 --> 00:50:53,800
It's all up to the only player
without a Y-chromosome, Kate Veatch.
704
00:50:55,100 --> 00:50:57,100
What a throw.
705
00:50:57,300 --> 00:50:59,300
Hold your phone, she's got a cannon.
706
00:50:59,500 --> 00:51:01,100
Yes.
707
00:51:01,300 --> 00:51:05,400
- Come on, Kate.
- You're the only man out there. Give it to 'em.
708
00:51:05,600 --> 00:51:10,600
Germans have a two-one advantage.
Great catch. La Fleur's back in the game.
709
00:51:11,000 --> 00:51:15,400
How about that? A two-on-one switcheroo.
Now Joe's has the upper hand.
710
00:51:15,600 --> 00:51:17,500
- Great deflection.
- Take it to him.
711
00:51:17,700 --> 00:51:22,200
- He's ball-less now.
- He doesn't have any balls, Cotton.
712
00:51:22,500 --> 00:51:25,300
Winner. Average Joe's.
713
00:51:26,900 --> 00:51:29,300
My sweet dick, it's magic.
714
00:51:29,500 --> 00:51:30,700
Hey, all right.
715
00:51:30,900 --> 00:51:36,300
My. The Germans losing in the first round
and Average Joe's wins in a shocking upset.
716
00:51:36,600 --> 00:51:39,200
I feel shocked.
717
00:51:48,100 --> 00:51:50,000
Losers.
718
00:52:01,400 --> 00:52:04,200
You must be Daddy.
719
00:52:04,800 --> 00:52:08,900
Average Joe's has shocked the dodgeball
pundits and made it to tomorrow's round
720
00:52:09,100 --> 00:52:12,700
where we'll separate the wheat from the chaff,
the men from the boys,
721
00:52:13,000 --> 00:52:16,000
and the awkwardly feminine
from the possibly Canadian.
722
00:52:16,200 --> 00:52:19,300
Don't go anywhere, folks.
It's just getting exciting.
723
00:52:23,900 --> 00:52:27,300
- What the hell.
- That guy's a dickhead.
724
00:52:33,100 --> 00:52:35,600
You wanted to see me, Patches?
725
00:52:37,000 --> 00:52:40,600
You did good out there, real good.
You're a natural leader, La Fleur.
726
00:52:40,800 --> 00:52:43,700
Those men and that muff-diver believe in you.
727
00:52:44,000 --> 00:52:46,400
Kate's not a muff-diver.
728
00:52:48,300 --> 00:52:50,200
Hey. That's for you.
729
00:52:51,800 --> 00:52:54,900
- I can't accept this.
- You're a hell of a player, Peter.
730
00:52:55,100 --> 00:52:57,400
You earned it.
731
00:52:57,600 --> 00:53:02,300
I've got some hookers in my room.
What do you say we go celebrate? My treat.
732
00:53:02,600 --> 00:53:05,700
No, thanks, I'll just stick
with the scarf, but thank you.
733
00:53:06,000 --> 00:53:08,000
Suit yourself, queer.
734
00:53:18,300 --> 00:53:20,100
- Sorry.
- Justin?
735
00:53:20,200 --> 00:53:22,700
Amber.
Jeez Louise, what are you doing here?
736
00:53:22,900 --> 00:53:27,900
- The National Cheerleading Championships.
- Oh, yeah, the NCCs. That's so awesome.
737
00:53:28,300 --> 00:53:32,000
- We're in the finals tomorrow. And you?
- I'm in the dodgeball tournament.
738
00:53:32,200 --> 00:53:36,800
These are my team-mates,
Dwight, Ms Veatch and Gordon.
739
00:53:37,100 --> 00:53:39,200
This is Amber.
740
00:53:39,400 --> 00:53:41,500
Come on, I wanna ride the roller coaster.
741
00:53:41,700 --> 00:53:46,400
- Hey, Derek. Sweet 'do, man.
- Get bent, helmet. Let's go, Amber.
742
00:53:46,700 --> 00:53:52,100
- It was nice to see you. Good luck tomorrow.
- And also you. You look healthy... good.
743
00:53:53,200 --> 00:53:54,700
What?
744
00:53:54,800 --> 00:53:57,700
Don't worry about that guy, Justin.
He's a total jerk.
745
00:53:58,000 --> 00:54:01,300
He'll probably fall off the roller coaster
and break every bone.
746
00:54:01,500 --> 00:54:04,000
- Nice, Dwight.
- I'm just saying, it happens.
747
00:54:04,200 --> 00:54:06,700
My cousin Ray-Ray. Boop. Dead.
748
00:54:06,900 --> 00:54:08,000
Thanks, man.
749
00:54:12,700 --> 00:54:15,500
Let's huddle up here.
We've got some work to do.
750
00:54:15,700 --> 00:54:17,800
We got lucky in the first round.
751
00:54:18,000 --> 00:54:21,500
We caught those dirty Krauts napping,
but that won't happen again,
752
00:54:21,700 --> 00:54:25,700
so blow out the horse hockey
and remember what I taught you.
753
00:54:26,000 --> 00:54:32,200
Blockers in the centre, funnelling, aim low
and will someone catch a goddamned ball?
754
00:54:32,600 --> 00:54:37,100
It's like watching a bunch of retards
trying to fuck a doorknob out there.
755
00:54:37,400 --> 00:54:41,100
Get it together.
Let's play some dodgeball.
756
00:54:41,300 --> 00:54:43,200
Hands in.
757
00:54:43,400 --> 00:54:45,300
One, two, three, Joe's.
758
00:54:47,200 --> 00:54:49,300
- Average Joe's ready?
- Yes.
759
00:54:49,500 --> 00:54:51,600
Lumberjacks, ready?
760
00:54:51,800 --> 00:54:52,700
Dodgeball.
761
00:54:52,800 --> 00:54:56,300
Average Joe's has a tough job,
facing the Lumberjacks.
762
00:54:56,600 --> 00:55:00,000
These woodsmen probably haven't
even smelt a woman in eight months.
763
00:55:00,200 --> 00:55:02,900
They must masturbate a lot, Cotton.
764
00:55:03,100 --> 00:55:05,700
- Clean hit. You're out.
- In the deer gut.
765
00:55:06,000 --> 00:55:08,800
- Average Joe's looking tough.
- Yes.
766
00:55:14,000 --> 00:55:16,500
There's a souvenir for a lucky fan.
767
00:55:18,900 --> 00:55:23,500
Timber. Peter La Fleur nails him.
That's all she wrote, folks.
768
00:55:23,800 --> 00:55:27,900
Average Joe's does some clear-cutting of
their own and moves onto the quarterfinal.
769
00:55:30,100 --> 00:55:32,800
Globo Gym hoping to drop an A-bomb
on the Kamikazes.
770
00:55:33,100 --> 00:55:36,600
I don't know how they can play
in diapers, Cotton. I never could.
771
00:55:36,800 --> 00:55:38,100
Peekaboo.
772
00:55:38,400 --> 00:55:41,300
White Goodman, employing
his patented peekaboo-style attack,
773
00:55:41,500 --> 00:55:44,800
tells Suzuki Toyota Oshinawa this is my dojo.
774
00:55:46,600 --> 00:55:49,700
Is he gonna feel it tomorrow?
Right in his beak.
775
00:55:49,900 --> 00:55:54,600
A relentless Globo Gym attack led by
their Lilliputian leader, White Goodman.
776
00:55:55,000 --> 00:55:57,900
It's gotta be the hair. It's beautiful.
777
00:55:58,100 --> 00:56:02,400
Feathered and lethal.
You just don't see it nowadays.
778
00:56:03,800 --> 00:56:09,500
Globo Gym says, "Domo arigato, Mr Roboto",
and breezes into the semifinals.
779
00:56:12,100 --> 00:56:15,600
Skillz That Killz, ready?
Average Joe's, ready? Dodgeball.
780
00:56:15,800 --> 00:56:19,100
Average Joe's planning
to playa hate Skillz That Killz,
781
00:56:19,300 --> 00:56:21,600
the inner-city champs for five years straight.
782
00:56:21,900 --> 00:56:26,400
Skillz might be looking past Average Joe's,
doing more dancing than dodgeballing.
783
00:56:26,600 --> 00:56:30,000
They better check themselves
before they wreck themselves.
784
00:56:30,300 --> 00:56:35,300
Right you are, partner.
Great catch. La Fleur wheels and fires.
785
00:56:36,300 --> 00:56:38,900
Winner. Average Joe's.
786
00:56:39,200 --> 00:56:43,900
And Average Joe's, not blinded by the
bling-bling, advances to the semifinal.
787
00:56:46,600 --> 00:56:51,000
Globo Gym's making mincemeat
of the Las Vegas Police Department.
788
00:56:51,300 --> 00:56:53,000
That's gotta hurt.
789
00:56:55,100 --> 00:56:56,900
B-b-b-bull's-eye.
790
00:56:57,100 --> 00:56:59,400
Winner. Globo Gym.
791
00:56:59,600 --> 00:57:04,400
Sportsmanship be darned.
Globo Gym hands the Las Vegas Police a 187,
792
00:57:04,700 --> 00:57:07,200
and they're going to the finals.
793
00:57:09,800 --> 00:57:13,900
The Poughkeepsie State Flying Cougars
are all over Average Joe's today.
794
00:57:14,200 --> 00:57:19,300
Itjust doesn't look good for 'em. The winner
of this match faces Globo Gym in the finals.
795
00:57:19,600 --> 00:57:21,600
Right in the testicles.
796
00:57:21,800 --> 00:57:24,200
Ouch-Town. Population: you, bro.
797
00:57:24,400 --> 00:57:27,500
Average Joe's down to their final two players.
798
00:57:28,900 --> 00:57:31,100
La Fleur can't hold on.
He's gotta sit down.
799
00:57:31,300 --> 00:57:34,100
- Time out. Gordy.
- Time out. Time out.
800
00:57:34,800 --> 00:57:36,200
Time. Time is out.
801
00:57:36,400 --> 00:57:40,200
It looks like the clock is about to
strike midnight on this Cinderella story,
802
00:57:40,500 --> 00:57:43,100
turning Average Joe's
into the proverbial pumpkin.
803
00:57:43,300 --> 00:57:45,700
I sure do like pumpkins, Cotton.
804
00:57:47,100 --> 00:57:50,500
You won't hit 'em. They're too good,
and you suck somethin' awful.
805
00:57:50,800 --> 00:57:54,300
- Yes, sir. I do.
- Our only shot is for you to get angry.
806
00:57:54,500 --> 00:57:58,100
- Roger that. OK.
- All right. Hands in.
807
00:57:58,400 --> 00:58:00,700
- One, two, three.
- Joe's.
808
00:58:01,600 --> 00:58:04,500
You gotta get angry. Get angry now.
809
00:58:04,800 --> 00:58:09,400
Gordon Pibb, alone, facing five Cougars.
It's all over but the crying.
810
00:58:09,700 --> 00:58:13,000
Sayonara, auf Wiedersehen and goodbye.
811
00:58:26,400 --> 00:58:29,700
- Dodgeball.
- Let the dodgeball slaughter begin.
812
00:58:30,000 --> 00:58:31,800
Good deflection there.
813
00:58:32,000 --> 00:58:34,100
Hang on. And another one.
814
00:58:34,300 --> 00:58:36,800
Three balls at once. Who knew?
815
00:58:37,400 --> 00:58:39,800
Four on one.
Pibb won't go down without a fight.
816
00:58:40,000 --> 00:58:42,300
That's it.
817
00:58:42,500 --> 00:58:45,500
- You're kidding me.
- He's callin' 'em out.
818
00:58:46,500 --> 00:58:48,500
Now it's two on one. Who'd have thunk it?
819
00:58:48,600 --> 00:58:53,300
- Go, you crazy son of a bitch. Go.
- He's on the warpath.
820
00:58:55,700 --> 00:58:58,200
Incredible. It's one on one.
821
00:58:58,400 --> 00:59:02,000
- I can't believe it.
- It's just not believable, Cotton.
822
00:59:10,400 --> 00:59:11,400
Winner.
823
00:59:11,800 --> 00:59:14,900
Average Joe's wins.
824
00:59:15,100 --> 00:59:19,900
They are going to the finals
to play Globo Gym for $50,000.
825
00:59:20,200 --> 00:59:23,900
- That'll buy one heck of a pumpkin.
- Right you are, Pep.
826
00:59:24,200 --> 00:59:26,600
I never would have dreamed it possible.
827
00:59:26,800 --> 00:59:31,200
But with seven-time ADAA All-Star
Patches O'Houlihan at the helm,
828
00:59:31,500 --> 00:59:34,200
I guess it must be the luck of the Irish.
829
00:59:38,400 --> 00:59:42,300
Tomorrow we're gonna pecker-slap
those Globo Gym bastards.
830
00:59:42,500 --> 00:59:43,300
Yeah.
831
00:59:43,500 --> 00:59:47,800
- You really think we can beat Globo Gym?
- As long as we got Patches, we got a shot.
832
00:59:55,000 --> 00:59:56,200
My God.
833
00:59:57,100 --> 01:00:00,900
Well, it's probably the way
he would have wanted to go.
834
01:00:01,200 --> 01:00:04,500
- What?
- What are we gonna do without Patches?
835
01:00:04,800 --> 01:00:06,900
We're gonna get our taints handed to us.
836
01:00:07,000 --> 01:00:09,900
- What's a taint?
- I dunno. Sounds bad.
837
01:00:11,300 --> 01:00:14,400
Maybe you should
go say something to the guys.
838
01:00:14,700 --> 01:00:15,800
Yeah.
839
01:00:15,900 --> 01:00:22,300
They don't make a "sorry your coach just got
crushed by two tons of irony" Hallmark card.
840
01:00:24,100 --> 01:00:26,500
I'll be right back.
841
01:00:37,400 --> 01:00:38,800
What?
842
01:00:39,000 --> 01:00:44,000
We're opening a new Globo Gym in Mexico
City. I've been boning up on my Spanish.
843
01:00:46,400 --> 01:00:49,700
Me'Shell was having some digestive
problems. I hope you don't mind.
844
01:00:49,900 --> 01:00:52,100
Will you shut that?
845
01:00:52,300 --> 01:00:54,900
For all of us, baby.
846
01:00:57,600 --> 01:01:03,200
So that's the deal. I give you $100,000,
you sign over the deed to your gym.
847
01:01:03,600 --> 01:01:05,300
Period.
848
01:01:05,400 --> 01:01:07,400
End o'story.
849
01:01:07,600 --> 01:01:12,700
You really think you can come here and buy
me out, you're a lot dumber than I thought.
850
01:01:13,000 --> 01:01:18,400
Oh, I don't think I'm a lot dumber than you
thought I'd think that I thought I was once.
851
01:01:18,800 --> 01:01:21,900
Look, Peter, I know what it's like.
852
01:01:22,100 --> 01:01:26,500
Really. For all our blustery back-and-forth,
we're really pretty much the same guy.
853
01:01:26,800 --> 01:01:30,300
We're both leaders. And I like
what you've done with the gym over there.
854
01:01:30,600 --> 01:01:35,300
I love the whole "I'm not OK, you're not OK,
but that's OK" thing you got going.
855
01:01:35,600 --> 01:01:38,800
"You can be fat as long as
you're happy inside." It works.
856
01:01:39,000 --> 01:01:42,300
And they love you. Whoo, do they love you.
857
01:01:42,500 --> 01:01:44,400
You're their Fonzie, Pete.
858
01:01:44,600 --> 01:01:46,800
"Hey." Right?
859
01:01:49,000 --> 01:01:54,300
But do you really think it's fair for them
to put all that pressure on you? All the time?
860
01:01:55,600 --> 01:01:58,800
Looking to you to solve their every problem?
861
01:01:59,000 --> 01:02:00,500
I mean, come on.
862
01:02:00,700 --> 01:02:04,700
I know you. You know you.
863
01:02:05,000 --> 01:02:07,900
And I know you know that I know you.
864
01:02:08,100 --> 01:02:10,500
You're heading for a fall, Pete.
865
01:02:10,700 --> 01:02:14,000
Sooner or later, Average Joe's is gonna close.
866
01:02:14,200 --> 01:02:18,200
And when it does, they're gonna blame you.
867
01:02:20,000 --> 01:02:23,800
I don't know if you've ever seen $100,000,
except maybe in the movies.
868
01:02:24,000 --> 01:02:27,800
But I assure you,
something gets lost in the translation.
869
01:02:31,000 --> 01:02:34,900
Money. $100,000. Dodgeball game.
870
01:02:37,000 --> 01:02:38,700
Take the money.
871
01:02:39,500 --> 01:02:44,200
Invest it in something.
Give it to charity, I don't care.
872
01:02:51,300 --> 01:02:53,300
Just sign the contract.
873
01:02:58,900 --> 01:03:01,700
Come on, guys. We got Peter.
874
01:03:01,900 --> 01:03:05,900
And they got guys named Laser and Blazer
and Taser, and all kinds of asers.
875
01:03:06,200 --> 01:03:09,600
Gar. Steve's gotta go drain the sea monster.
876
01:03:10,900 --> 01:03:12,900
Here. Justin, your virgin daiquiri.
877
01:03:13,000 --> 01:03:15,500
- Thanks, Ms Veatch.
- Nothing for me.
878
01:03:15,800 --> 01:03:19,900
- Dwight says we'll get killed out there, Peter.
- Let's not talk about tomorrow.
879
01:03:20,100 --> 01:03:23,400
- What are we gonna do?
- I don't know. It's a little complicated.
880
01:03:23,700 --> 01:03:26,700
- But what do you think we should do?
- Yeah. Come on, tell us.
881
01:03:26,900 --> 01:03:28,100
What's the plan?
882
01:03:28,300 --> 01:03:31,400
What do you guys want from me?
I don't have a plan for you.
883
01:03:31,600 --> 01:03:35,600
We're gonna play Globo Gym tomorrow
and we're probably gonna lose.
884
01:03:35,900 --> 01:03:41,300
It's the truth. The sooner you guys get that
through your head, the easier this will all be.
885
01:03:43,000 --> 01:03:45,500
Jesus Christ.
886
01:03:46,000 --> 01:03:48,100
He didn't mean that.
887
01:03:48,300 --> 01:03:52,400
- Is he being serious?
- He's probably just stressed out.
888
01:03:52,700 --> 01:03:55,400
I've never seen him like that.
889
01:03:57,600 --> 01:04:01,300
Gar, matey, where are you headed? Peter...
890
01:04:01,500 --> 01:04:03,900
You are not a pirate.
891
01:04:11,700 --> 01:04:16,200
OK, guys. Let's get out of here
and get some rest for tomorrow, right?
892
01:04:24,000 --> 01:04:25,800
Dwight...
893
01:04:26,000 --> 01:04:30,800
I'm gonna catch up with you guys later.
I'm gonna have a bathroom... go to the drink...
894
01:04:31,100 --> 01:04:32,800
in the bathroom.
895
01:04:33,000 --> 01:04:35,500
Whatever you do, wash your hands.
896
01:04:46,000 --> 01:04:48,600
Excuse me, miss. I was wondering if...
897
01:04:48,800 --> 01:04:51,300
You are the one who stares at me.
898
01:04:51,500 --> 01:04:53,700
Why is this?
899
01:04:53,900 --> 01:04:58,300
Because I think you're
the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
900
01:05:04,900 --> 01:05:07,200
Watch it, freak.
901
01:05:20,000 --> 01:05:22,300
Go back to Treasure Island.
902
01:05:22,500 --> 01:05:24,800
Fag.
903
01:05:25,000 --> 01:05:27,000
Screw you.
904
01:05:39,400 --> 01:05:43,100
Katie, bar the door.
It's time for the championship match
905
01:05:43,400 --> 01:05:45,700
here on ESPN8 - the "Ocho".
906
01:05:45,900 --> 01:05:49,800
We've seen it all here, folks.
Grit, determination, incontinence.
907
01:05:50,100 --> 01:05:52,600
And it's all come down to this -
a Cinderella story.
908
01:05:52,800 --> 01:05:57,300
Average Joe's Gymnasium hopes to
drive their vorpal blade snicker-snack
909
01:05:57,600 --> 01:06:01,500
into the heart of the dodgeball Jabberwocky
that is the Globo Gym Purple Cobras,
910
01:06:01,700 --> 01:06:05,400
and walk away with $50,000
in stone-cold cash.
911
01:06:05,700 --> 01:06:09,600
Hello, everybody, and welcome
to what you've all been waiting for.
912
01:06:09,900 --> 01:06:13,600
A David-and-Goliath story
truer than the Bible itself.
913
01:06:13,800 --> 01:06:17,700
The championship dodgeball match
here on ESPN8 - the "Ocho".
914
01:06:20,600 --> 01:06:22,200
Peter?
915
01:06:24,700 --> 01:06:26,200
Peter?
916
01:06:26,300 --> 01:06:28,800
Hello?
917
01:06:29,100 --> 01:06:30,400
Peter?
918
01:06:30,500 --> 01:06:33,200
Come on, everybody headed down...
919
01:06:42,800 --> 01:06:44,600
So what happens on a double fault?
920
01:06:44,800 --> 01:06:50,000
On a double fault you go to sudden-death
elimination. It's Continuation Rule 113-D.
921
01:06:50,300 --> 01:06:52,900
- Whatever.
- Hey, guys, wait up.
922
01:06:57,000 --> 01:06:58,400
Justin.
923
01:06:58,600 --> 01:07:02,600
- I've been looking for you everywhere.
- Really? I mean, why? What's up?
924
01:07:02,800 --> 01:07:06,700
Derek fell off the roller coaster
and broke every bone in his body.
925
01:07:07,000 --> 01:07:08,400
My God, that's awful.
926
01:07:08,600 --> 01:07:12,000
We were the centre Kewpie. With no
centre Kewpie we can't do our routine.
927
01:07:12,200 --> 01:07:15,100
- No. I'm sorry.
- You gotta do it.
928
01:07:15,300 --> 01:07:16,900
What?
929
01:07:17,100 --> 01:07:19,100
No, no, no, no, no. I can't.
930
01:07:19,300 --> 01:07:23,000
Please. You are the only one in Las Vegas
who knows our routine.
931
01:07:23,300 --> 01:07:28,600
- The dodgeball championship's at noon.
- You'll be back in time. I promise.
932
01:07:31,900 --> 01:07:33,500
- All right, I'll do it.
- Yes.
933
01:07:33,700 --> 01:07:35,700
- I gotta tell the guys.
- No. No time.
934
01:07:35,900 --> 01:07:37,500
- I gotta tell the guys.
- No time.
935
01:07:39,400 --> 01:07:44,200
Average Joe's are a 50-1 underdog here today.
No one is giving them much of a chance.
936
01:07:44,500 --> 01:07:46,200
What do you think, Pep?
937
01:07:46,400 --> 01:07:48,500
I spoke to White Goodman before the match
938
01:07:48,700 --> 01:07:53,600
and he told me that his team
really wants to win this one.
939
01:07:53,900 --> 01:07:57,100
Right. And the stage is set for
Darwin's cruellest play to unfold.
940
01:07:57,400 --> 01:08:01,000
So don't go anywhere, folks.
The Schadenfreude is about to begin.
941
01:08:01,200 --> 01:08:05,400
- I don't understand. Why would Peter leave?
- He knows we're gonna get killed.
942
01:08:05,700 --> 01:08:10,700
Hey. That's not true. I don't know why Peter
left, but we can do this without him.
943
01:08:11,000 --> 01:08:14,100
We just have to figure it out.
Owen, you'll have to play.
944
01:08:14,400 --> 01:08:17,700
- OK, yeah.
- Great. But we'll still be two players short.
945
01:08:17,900 --> 01:08:21,800
We're still missing the teenage love-puppy
and Steve the Pirate.
946
01:08:22,100 --> 01:08:24,400
Who's Steve the Pirate?
947
01:08:24,600 --> 01:08:28,300
The only guy on our team
who dresses like a pirate.
948
01:08:28,500 --> 01:08:32,500
Wait. There's a guy on our team
dressed like a pirate?
949
01:08:34,400 --> 01:08:41,800
And now, let's hear it for the West Davenport
High School Charging Donkeys.
950
01:08:42,200 --> 01:08:44,200
Donkeys.
951
01:09:08,900 --> 01:09:10,400
Go, Donkeys.
952
01:09:13,400 --> 01:09:16,300
- We did it.
- Holy cow. My God.
953
01:09:16,500 --> 01:09:19,700
- It was perfect. You were perfect.
- God, I gotta go.
954
01:09:19,900 --> 01:09:22,100
Wait. Aren't you gonna stay for the trophy?
955
01:09:22,300 --> 01:09:24,900
I'm sorry, Amber. I got my own trophy to win.
956
01:09:41,800 --> 01:09:44,200
Now I'm going.
957
01:09:49,300 --> 01:09:53,800
Here come the Purple Cobras,
led by White Goodman. All business.
958
01:09:54,100 --> 01:09:57,500
We haven't seen Average Joe's yet.
They haven't made it to the court.
959
01:09:57,800 --> 01:10:01,200
It could be a psychological ploy,
or something worse.
960
01:10:01,400 --> 01:10:05,600
They're definitely not on the court, Cotton.
Their absence is noticeable.
961
01:10:05,900 --> 01:10:10,500
We'll be right back
after these words from our sponsors...
962
01:10:12,400 --> 01:10:14,700
Can I get a bottle of water?
963
01:10:17,300 --> 01:10:19,500
Aren't you Peter La Fleur?
964
01:10:20,600 --> 01:10:24,200
- Lance Armstrong?
- Yeah, that's me. But I'm a big fan of yours.
965
01:10:24,500 --> 01:10:28,200
- Really?
- Yeah, I've been watching the dodgeball.
966
01:10:28,400 --> 01:10:33,200
I just can't get enough of it. I'm really pullin'
for you against those jerks from Globo Gym.
967
01:10:34,100 --> 01:10:37,400
I think you better hurry up
or you're gonna be late.
968
01:10:37,600 --> 01:10:41,900
- Actually, I decided to quit, Lance.
- Quit?
969
01:10:42,900 --> 01:10:48,700
Once I thought of quittin', when I had brain,
lung and testicular cancer at the same time.
970
01:10:49,700 --> 01:10:52,400
But with the support of my friends
I got back on the bike
971
01:10:52,600 --> 01:10:55,200
and I won the Tour de France
five times in a row.
972
01:10:55,400 --> 01:10:59,200
But I'm sure you have a good reason to quit.
973
01:10:59,500 --> 01:11:02,900
What are you dying from
that's keepin' you from the finals?
974
01:11:03,100 --> 01:11:07,100
Right now, it feels a little bit like shame.
975
01:11:07,400 --> 01:11:13,000
If people never quit when the going got tough
they'd have nothing to regret all their lives.
976
01:11:13,400 --> 01:11:18,200
Good luck to you, Peter. I'm sure
this decision won't haunt you forever.
977
01:11:24,800 --> 01:11:28,700
Steve? Steve the Pirate? "Scurvy."
978
01:11:29,000 --> 01:11:33,000
- No. Not ringing any bells.
- Forget it, man.
979
01:11:33,300 --> 01:11:37,400
We'll play with four people. It's not
an advantage. Can't you bend the rules?
980
01:11:37,700 --> 01:11:41,900
There's nothing I can do. Rules are rules.
You don't have enough players.
981
01:11:42,100 --> 01:11:46,000
Inform the committee and Mr Goodman
about Average Joe's forfeit.
982
01:11:46,300 --> 01:11:49,400
- Yes, sir.
- Better luck next year.
983
01:11:51,200 --> 01:11:52,700
Excuse me.
984
01:11:52,900 --> 01:11:56,200
Sorry I'm late. You won't believe
whatjust happened. Hey, guys.
985
01:11:56,400 --> 01:11:59,100
You're just in time to help us forfeit.
986
01:11:59,300 --> 01:12:01,300
Forfeit? Why?
987
01:12:03,300 --> 01:12:06,400
Well, I don't know what to tell you, but...
988
01:12:06,600 --> 01:12:10,400
Yes, I'm being told that Average Joe's
does not have enough players
989
01:12:10,700 --> 01:12:13,500
and will be forfeiting
the championship match.
990
01:12:13,700 --> 01:12:16,700
It's a bold strategy, Cotton.
Let's see if it pays off for 'em.
991
01:12:17,000 --> 01:12:22,400
To the tournament floor we go, for the sceptre
presentation from the Dodgeball Chancellor.
992
01:12:22,700 --> 01:12:26,400
Ladies and gentlemen,
by the power vested in me
993
01:12:26,700 --> 01:12:31,700
by our governing body, the American
Dodgeball Association of America,
994
01:12:32,000 --> 01:12:36,500
and in concurrence with our sponsors,
Lumber Liquidators and Omaha Steaks,
995
01:12:36,800 --> 01:12:38,800
it gives me great pleasure
996
01:12:39,000 --> 01:12:43,700
to declare the winner of this year's
Las Vegas International Tournament to be...
997
01:12:44,000 --> 01:12:46,200
Wait. He's here.
998
01:12:50,700 --> 01:12:53,300
Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.
999
01:12:53,600 --> 01:12:55,700
We're ready to play, Your Honour.
1000
01:12:55,800 --> 01:13:00,500
Too late. Your lovable band of losers already
forfeited. The trophy and money are mine.
1001
01:13:00,900 --> 01:13:04,200
He's right. The team already forfeited.
There's nothing you can do.
1002
01:13:04,400 --> 01:13:07,000
Facial, La Fleur. Total facial.
1003
01:13:08,300 --> 01:13:10,100
Actually, that's not true.
1004
01:13:10,200 --> 01:13:14,300
The committee can overrule the chancellor -
that's you, sir - by a two-thirds vote.
1005
01:13:14,600 --> 01:13:16,800
He's right. He's right. It's a bylaw.
1006
01:13:19,100 --> 01:13:21,600
- It's a bylaw.
- What's a bylaw?
1007
01:13:22,700 --> 01:13:26,100
- Hang on a second here, folks.
- Let them play.
1008
01:13:26,400 --> 01:13:30,200
We mightjust have a championship game yet.
1009
01:13:30,500 --> 01:13:33,400
Listen to this crowd.
1010
01:13:33,600 --> 01:13:35,700
Unbelievable.
1011
01:13:35,900 --> 01:13:41,000
Pepper, it's clear what the crowd wants, but
the committee members have the final say.
1012
01:13:41,300 --> 01:13:44,400
And it looks like they've come to a decision.
1013
01:13:44,600 --> 01:13:47,300
Joe's needs two "yes" votes to play.
1014
01:13:47,600 --> 01:13:50,800
- There's a thumbs-up. Good news for Joe's.
- Please.
1015
01:13:51,000 --> 01:13:54,100
- Let's see how our second judge votes.
- Thank you.
1016
01:13:54,300 --> 01:14:01,100
Oh, tough sledding there. It's all even. Their
fate hangs on the thumb of our final judge.
1017
01:14:01,500 --> 01:14:04,900
Thumbs up. Average Joe's can play.
1018
01:14:05,200 --> 01:14:08,300
That is pure poppycock.
You're gonna let them do that?
1019
01:14:08,500 --> 01:14:11,900
- Thank you, Chuck Norris.
- Thank you, Peter.
1020
01:14:13,800 --> 01:14:17,300
All right, captains. Shake hands,
and let's have a clean match.
1021
01:14:17,600 --> 01:14:19,600
Good luck, White.
1022
01:14:21,100 --> 01:14:24,200
Cram it up your cramhole, La Fleur.
1023
01:14:24,500 --> 01:14:27,800
Prepare to be humiliated on cable television.
1024
01:14:28,000 --> 01:14:30,000
Whatever.
1025
01:14:32,100 --> 01:14:35,100
- Nice of you to show up.
- Yeah, I thought so too.
1026
01:14:35,300 --> 01:14:38,100
What? I got a plan.
1027
01:14:40,200 --> 01:14:46,000
Let's play smart. Wait for two-on-ones. Cover
closely for your pick-ups. What's our motto?
1028
01:14:46,400 --> 01:14:48,500
- "Aim low".
- That's right.
1029
01:14:48,700 --> 01:14:51,500
All I'm asking is that
you give it your best for Patches.
1030
01:14:51,700 --> 01:14:55,800
I say we go out there, let it all hang loose,
try to have some fun.
1031
01:14:56,100 --> 01:14:58,700
I mean, it's only dodgeball, right?
1032
01:14:58,900 --> 01:15:02,700
- Put 'em in. One, two, three.
- Joe's.
1033
01:15:26,500 --> 01:15:28,700
Globo Gym, ready?
1034
01:15:28,900 --> 01:15:31,700
Average Joe's, ready?
1035
01:15:34,100 --> 01:15:35,000
Dodgeball.
1036
01:15:35,200 --> 01:15:40,500
Championship match is under way.
Average Joe's versus the Globo Gym Goliath.
1037
01:15:41,900 --> 01:15:44,500
Quick elimination there for Kate Veatch.
1038
01:15:46,000 --> 01:15:49,100
White Goodman's hit,
but that ball's up for grabs. And...
1039
01:15:49,300 --> 01:15:51,200
- It's caught.
- That's a catch.
1040
01:15:51,400 --> 01:15:54,800
- You're out, La Fleur.
- Peter La Fleur has gotta sit down.
1041
01:15:55,100 --> 01:15:58,200
And Joe's has lost
their two best players early.
1042
01:15:58,700 --> 01:16:00,800
Dwight Baumgarten still playing hard.
1043
01:16:01,000 --> 01:16:03,500
Hits Me'Shell Jones right on the dome.
1044
01:16:03,700 --> 01:16:05,600
You're mine next time.
1045
01:16:09,000 --> 01:16:13,800
Right in the tokus.
2-1, ese, and Globo Gym is dominating.
1046
01:16:18,100 --> 01:16:20,400
- Hi.
- Hey.
1047
01:16:22,500 --> 01:16:25,100
- You're out.
- I don't know what that was,
1048
01:16:25,300 --> 01:16:29,900
but it leaves Joe's on the wrong side
of a 4-2 advantage.
1049
01:16:30,200 --> 01:16:33,100
Joe's gets an elimination. It's two on three.
1050
01:16:33,300 --> 01:16:34,800
Get out.
1051
01:16:35,000 --> 01:16:37,300
Gordo. Lose your temper. Get mad.
1052
01:16:39,400 --> 01:16:43,400
White Goodman with a catch. Gordon Pibb
goes out, Me'Shell Jones comes back in.
1053
01:16:43,700 --> 01:16:45,400
You're out, four-eyes.
1054
01:16:45,500 --> 01:16:49,700
Well, it's all up to Average Joe's youngest
member. He's gotta make a play here, Pepper.
1055
01:16:50,000 --> 01:16:51,700
Word, Cotton.
1056
01:16:51,900 --> 01:16:57,000
Four Cobras and one Joe. Even a rabid
mongoose wouldn't have a chance now.
1057
01:16:57,300 --> 01:16:59,900
- Nice dodge.
- Stay alive. Stay alive.
1058
01:17:02,100 --> 01:17:04,400
They're just toying with the young man now.
1059
01:17:04,600 --> 01:17:07,500
He's gotta avoid getting hit. That's the key.
1060
01:17:07,700 --> 01:17:09,400
Justin, let's go.
1061
01:17:10,800 --> 01:17:12,200
What a great catch.
1062
01:17:12,300 --> 01:17:15,600
And another.
Peter La Fleur comes back into the game.
1063
01:17:15,900 --> 01:17:19,700
Just like that, a three-player swing.
Joe's isn't done yet.
1064
01:17:19,900 --> 01:17:21,500
Justin.
1065
01:17:21,700 --> 01:17:24,100
I love you.
1066
01:17:24,300 --> 01:17:26,100
I love you t...
1067
01:17:26,900 --> 01:17:28,900
Joanie loves Chachi.
1068
01:17:29,100 --> 01:17:32,700
Two players left on each side.
What a match. What a sport.
1069
01:17:33,500 --> 01:17:38,900
Throw out the rule book, folks,
it's down and dirty now. Street dodgeball.
1070
01:17:40,900 --> 01:17:44,600
Look out. La Fleur goes down -
he's a sitting duck.
1071
01:17:49,900 --> 01:17:55,800
How about that, folks? Kate Veatch takes the
bullet for Peter La Fleur. Now that's sacrifice.
1072
01:17:56,100 --> 01:18:00,800
As touching a moment as we've seen
on the dodgeball court all tournament.
1073
01:18:01,800 --> 01:18:04,300
A blatant cheap shot from White Goodman.
1074
01:18:04,600 --> 01:18:09,100
- That's court misconduct. That's a warning.
- Come on. Gimme a break.
1075
01:18:10,400 --> 01:18:11,900
- You OK?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
1076
01:18:12,100 --> 01:18:14,500
- Jesus. Are you sure?
- Yeah. I'm all right.
1077
01:18:14,700 --> 01:18:17,700
- It was an accident. I thought she was in play.
- Not a chance.
1078
01:18:17,900 --> 01:18:20,800
We're sweating like greased monkeys.
I can't hold on to a ball.
1079
01:18:21,000 --> 01:18:24,100
Sorry, miss, but you're out.
You gotta get off the court.
1080
01:18:24,400 --> 01:18:26,100
Watch him, man.
1081
01:18:26,200 --> 01:18:28,400
- Hey, Peter.
- Yeah?
1082
01:18:28,600 --> 01:18:30,300
Kick his ass.
1083
01:18:31,000 --> 01:18:34,000
- Here's the restart.
- Players, to your positions.
1084
01:18:34,300 --> 01:18:38,600
Looks like it's gonna be a two-on-one,
a ménage à trois of pain.
1085
01:18:38,900 --> 01:18:42,500
Usually you pay double
for that kind of action, Cotton.
1086
01:18:44,600 --> 01:18:48,200
You're playing ready dodgeball.
Balls are at your feet.
1087
01:18:48,400 --> 01:18:50,600
Ready? Dodgeball.
1088
01:18:50,800 --> 01:18:55,700
It's a cat-and-mouse game, folks.
Peter La Fleur has gotta wait for his shot.
1089
01:18:59,400 --> 01:19:01,800
He gets the elimination.
1090
01:19:03,100 --> 01:19:08,600
My. Globo Gym wins.
A Cinderella story cast asunder.
1091
01:19:09,000 --> 01:19:13,000
Average Joe's has come all this way
for nothing. Absolutely nothing.
1092
01:19:13,300 --> 01:19:15,900
They're not gonna get anything, Cotton.
1093
01:19:17,100 --> 01:19:21,100
No elimination. Double fault.
You stepped over the line on the throw.
1094
01:19:21,400 --> 01:19:25,200
What? You gotta be out of your mind.
That is the worst call I've ever seen.
1095
01:19:25,500 --> 01:19:29,700
I'm out here busting my butt and you come in
with a bush-league call like that? Bullcrap.
1096
01:19:29,900 --> 01:19:34,700
ADAA Continuation Rule 113-D, sir.
Sudden death.
1097
01:19:35,100 --> 01:19:36,500
All right. Bring it.
1098
01:19:36,600 --> 01:19:39,900
I don't believe it, folks. Sudden death.
1099
01:19:40,200 --> 01:19:41,900
Well, let me tell you,
1100
01:19:42,000 --> 01:19:47,500
a double-fault final-play elimination hasn't
occurred since the Helsinki episode of 1919,
1101
01:19:47,900 --> 01:19:50,600
and I think we all remember
how that turned out.
1102
01:19:50,800 --> 01:19:57,100
Ladies and gentlemen, it's the greatest
happening in sport. Sudden-death dodgeball.
1103
01:19:57,500 --> 01:19:59,800
Pepper needs new shorts.
1104
01:20:02,000 --> 01:20:05,100
White, Peter, this is sudden death.
1105
01:20:05,600 --> 01:20:11,000
Only striking an opposing player eliminates
them. Catching the ball does nothing.
1106
01:20:11,300 --> 01:20:15,100
Both feet must remain
in the triangle at all times.
1107
01:20:15,400 --> 01:20:19,900
You may throw any time after my call.
Understood?
1108
01:20:21,000 --> 01:20:24,700
OK. Let's have a clean match.
Good luck, gentlemen.
1109
01:20:25,400 --> 01:20:28,100
This is it, La Loser.
1110
01:20:29,800 --> 01:20:33,300
You ready for the hurricane?
1111
01:20:34,600 --> 01:20:38,100
Just don't go cryin' to mama when
I spank you in front of all these people.
1112
01:20:39,500 --> 01:20:44,300
You don't go crying to your daddy
after I wipe it up with your face.
1113
01:20:46,200 --> 01:20:49,000
- White?
- Yeah?
1114
01:20:49,200 --> 01:20:53,600
- You look awful fat in those pants.
- Players, to your positions.
1115
01:20:53,900 --> 01:20:57,500
This is about gamesmanship.
Throw early and you're defenceless.
1116
01:20:57,700 --> 01:21:03,500
Throw late and you're eliminated.
Dilemma, thy name is dodgeball.
1117
01:21:03,900 --> 01:21:06,900
This sport doesn't build character,
it reveals it.
1118
01:21:07,100 --> 01:21:10,000
Effin' A, Cotton. Effin' A.
1119
01:21:12,000 --> 01:21:14,000
Come on, talk to me.
1120
01:21:15,700 --> 01:21:17,900
Listen up, crotch stain.
1121
01:21:18,100 --> 01:21:22,300
Remember your training
and trust your instincts.
1122
01:21:22,500 --> 01:21:25,100
You can do it. I believe in you.
1123
01:21:28,200 --> 01:21:29,900
Bye-bye.
1124
01:21:30,000 --> 01:21:31,000
Right.
1125
01:21:31,200 --> 01:21:34,000
Players, turn and step in.
1126
01:21:49,900 --> 01:21:52,400
What the hell's he doing?
1127
01:21:52,600 --> 01:21:55,100
I don't know.
1128
01:21:57,400 --> 01:21:58,500
Get a load of this guy.
1129
01:21:58,600 --> 01:22:02,300
In 23 years of broadcasting
I thought I'd seen it all, folks.
1130
01:22:02,600 --> 01:22:06,300
But it looks like Peter La Fleur
has actually blindfolded himself.
1131
01:22:06,500 --> 01:22:09,200
He will not be able to see very well, Cotton.
1132
01:22:18,800 --> 01:22:21,300
Ready?
1133
01:22:26,200 --> 01:22:28,600
Dodgeball.
1134
01:22:34,700 --> 01:22:36,900
Goodbye, Peter.
1135
01:22:37,100 --> 01:22:39,800
I always knew you were weak.
1136
01:22:43,400 --> 01:22:46,100
Air Goodman, comin' at ya.
1137
01:22:54,100 --> 01:22:57,100
Down goes Goodman.
Down goes Goodman.
1138
01:22:57,300 --> 01:23:00,500
Winner. Average Joe's.
1139
01:23:04,100 --> 01:23:07,600
Do you believe in unlikelihoods?
1140
01:23:07,800 --> 01:23:10,900
Average Joe's shocking the dodgeball world
1141
01:23:11,200 --> 01:23:15,300
and upsetting Globo Gym
in the championship match.
1142
01:23:15,600 --> 01:23:16,900
Unbelievable.
1143
01:23:17,000 --> 01:23:21,200
I have been to the Great Wall of China.
I have seen the Pyramids of Egypt.
1144
01:23:21,500 --> 01:23:24,000
I've even witnessed a grown man
satisfy a camel.
1145
01:23:24,200 --> 01:23:26,400
But never in all my years as a sportscaster
1146
01:23:26,600 --> 01:23:31,600
have I witnessed something as improbable,
as impossible, as what we've witnessed here.
1147
01:23:31,900 --> 01:23:36,500
The little team that could, Average Joe's
Gymnasium, underdogs throughout,
1148
01:23:36,800 --> 01:23:41,400
stand before us, aglow,
as true dodgeball champions.
1149
01:23:41,700 --> 01:23:46,200
On behalf of the American Dodgeball
Association of America,
1150
01:23:46,500 --> 01:23:50,800
it is my honour to present to you
this cheque for $50,000.
1151
01:23:57,300 --> 01:24:00,200
What are you so happy about, La Fleur?
None of this matters.
1152
01:24:00,400 --> 01:24:04,700
You signed your gym over to me last night,
remember? You lost, I won.
1153
01:24:05,000 --> 01:24:07,100
Suck failure, freaks.
1154
01:24:07,300 --> 01:24:10,400
Peter, is that true?
1155
01:24:10,600 --> 01:24:12,500
Yeah, it's true.
1156
01:24:12,700 --> 01:24:15,900
It's true I sold Average Joe's to White.
1157
01:24:16,100 --> 01:24:18,400
It's true that every man has his price.
1158
01:24:18,600 --> 01:24:23,400
And it's also true that money won
is a lot sweeter than money earned.
1159
01:24:23,700 --> 01:24:27,900
- Now he's a philosophiser.
- Excuse us. Step aside, please.
1160
01:24:29,300 --> 01:24:31,600
Your winnings, Mr La Fleur.
Congratulations.
1161
01:24:31,800 --> 01:24:35,600
- Right on time. I appreciate it. Thank you.
- What is that? What winnings?
1162
01:24:35,800 --> 01:24:40,300
Gosh, I totally forgot to tell you. I took the
$100,000 bribe that you gave me last night,
1163
01:24:40,600 --> 01:24:43,500
and I put it on us to win.
We were going off at 50-1.
1164
01:24:43,800 --> 01:24:47,100
Anyone? Top of your head?
What's 50 times $100,000?
1165
01:24:47,300 --> 01:24:48,600
$50,000?
1166
01:24:48,800 --> 01:24:52,700
$5 million. Peter, are you kidding me?
1167
01:24:52,900 --> 01:24:55,000
Surprise.
1168
01:24:58,500 --> 01:25:03,400
Stick it in your ear, La Fleur. I wouldn't sell
you your gym back for all King Midas's silver.
1169
01:25:03,700 --> 01:25:08,300
The gym is mine. So you can take your band
of yellow-bellied losers and crawl out of here.
1170
01:25:08,600 --> 01:25:11,500
You're right. I can't make you
sell Average Joe's to me.
1171
01:25:11,700 --> 01:25:15,300
So I guess I'll just take your advice
and invest in something.
1172
01:25:15,600 --> 01:25:19,700
- Say the controlling stake of Globo Gym.
- That's preposterous. I'd never allow it.
1173
01:25:19,900 --> 01:25:23,500
Globo Gym is a publicly traded company.
There's nothing you can do about it.
1174
01:25:23,800 --> 01:25:29,000
So I would control Globo Gym
and everything that Globo Gym owns,
1175
01:25:29,300 --> 01:25:33,300
which, as of last night, is Average Joe's Gym.
1176
01:25:34,800 --> 01:25:36,200
I'm your new boss, White.
1177
01:25:36,400 --> 01:25:39,700
You can't be my boss. Nobody can.
I'm my own boss. I created myself.
1178
01:25:40,000 --> 01:25:43,000
- You're fired, pal.
- You can't do anything to me.
1179
01:25:43,700 --> 01:25:46,600
You're going down, La Fleur,
like a sweet muffin.
1180
01:25:46,800 --> 01:25:50,300
- Another time, another time.
- You suck, La Fleur.
1181
01:25:52,400 --> 01:25:54,400
Give me that.
1182
01:25:57,400 --> 01:25:59,800
Man, the blindfold was crazy.
1183
01:26:01,400 --> 01:26:03,900
Peter.
1184
01:26:04,100 --> 01:26:06,500
Look. It's Steve the Pirate.
1185
01:26:10,300 --> 01:26:15,300
I just wanted to tell you
that I thought about what you said, and
1186
01:26:16,600 --> 01:26:18,900
I guess you're right.
1187
01:26:19,100 --> 01:26:21,300
I'm not really a pirate.
1188
01:26:22,700 --> 01:26:25,200
I don't know, Steve.
1189
01:26:25,400 --> 01:26:27,500
If you're not a pirate,
1190
01:26:27,700 --> 01:26:31,400
who the hell am I gonna split
all that buried treasure with?
1191
01:26:36,700 --> 01:26:38,500
Peter...
1192
01:26:38,700 --> 01:26:40,500
Gar, Steve.
1193
01:26:46,100 --> 01:26:47,700
We missed you.
1194
01:26:50,700 --> 01:26:52,300
Hey, you.
1195
01:26:52,500 --> 01:26:54,500
Hey, you.
1196
01:26:56,300 --> 01:26:58,300
- Joyce?
- Kate.
1197
01:26:58,800 --> 01:27:03,100
- I thought you were in Guam.
- I caught an early flight. I wouldn't miss this.
1198
01:27:03,400 --> 01:27:05,600
You are amazing.
1199
01:27:09,300 --> 01:27:13,700
- I told you she was a lesbian.
- Wow. Good call.
1200
01:27:14,400 --> 01:27:17,400
Hey. I'm not a lesbian.
1201
01:27:17,600 --> 01:27:19,100
You're not?
1202
01:27:19,300 --> 01:27:20,800
No.
1203
01:27:21,000 --> 01:27:23,300
I'm bisexual.
1204
01:27:25,000 --> 01:27:26,800
Snap.
1205
01:27:27,600 --> 01:27:31,000
All right, everybody. Smile big.
1206
01:27:36,000 --> 01:27:39,700
Hi. I'm Peter La Fleur,
owner and operator of Average Joe's Gym.
1207
01:27:40,000 --> 01:27:43,500
I'm here to tell you
you're perfectjust the way you are.
1208
01:27:43,700 --> 01:27:49,200
But if you feel like losin' a few pounds, gettin'
healthier, and makin' friends in the process,
1209
01:27:49,500 --> 01:27:51,200
Joe's is the place for you.
1210
01:27:51,400 --> 01:27:54,700
Don't forget that youth dodgeball classes
are forming right now.
1211
01:27:55,000 --> 01:27:59,700
So come on down and learn a great game the
way it's supposed to be played. Right, kids?
1212
01:28:00,000 --> 01:28:01,900
Right.
1213
01:28:11,500 --> 01:28:13,500
Spare me.
1214
01:28:13,700 --> 01:28:16,100
I won that tournament.
1215
01:28:18,900 --> 01:28:21,600
Fucking Chuck Norris.
1216
01:28:23,900 --> 01:28:25,900
Visiontext Subtitles:
Julie Clayton & Rob Colling
1217
01:28:26,100 --> 01:28:28,100
ENGLISH
1218
01:31:27,200 --> 01:31:30,300
Yeah. I hope you're all happy now.
1219
01:31:30,600 --> 01:31:33,000
Good guy wins, bad guy loses.
1220
01:31:33,200 --> 01:31:35,600
Big friggin' surprise.
1221
01:31:36,800 --> 01:31:38,700
I love happy endings.
1222
01:31:41,800 --> 01:31:46,000
You know, that's the problem
with the American cinema.
1223
01:31:46,300 --> 01:31:48,700
Can't handle any complexity in it, you know?
1224
01:31:48,900 --> 01:31:52,900
"Don't make me think,
I just wanna be entertained."
1225
01:31:53,200 --> 01:31:55,000
All right, fine.
1226
01:31:55,200 --> 01:31:58,700
You want a little somethin'-somethin'
for the ride home?
1227
01:31:58,900 --> 01:32:01,300
Check these boots out for size.
1228
01:32:03,300 --> 01:32:05,400
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard
1229
01:32:05,600 --> 01:32:07,600
And they're like, "It's better than yours"
1230
01:32:07,800 --> 01:32:09,700
Damn right, it's better than yours
1231
01:32:09,900 --> 01:32:12,400
I could teach you, but I'd have to charge
1232
01:32:13,500 --> 01:32:17,500
What the boys go crazy for
1233
01:32:19,100 --> 01:32:20,200
They lose their minds
1234
01:32:20,300 --> 01:32:22,600
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard
1235
01:32:22,800 --> 01:32:24,500
Damn right, it's better than yours
1236
01:32:24,700 --> 01:32:28,100
I could teach you, but I'd have to charge
1237
01:32:30,000 --> 01:32:32,900
You happy? Fatty make a funny?