Previously on The O.C...
I don't want this to be like kissing your sister.
Kirsten doesn't know you're seeing Lindsay, right?
She thinks we're just friends.
I know you're not on the market for any new relatives.
How about a friend?
I did a musical or two myself in college.
Please stop him before he starts singing Greased Lightning.
Are you drunk? She was like this when I picked her up.
You don't have to defend yourself to her.
No, but you do, young lady.
I need to go see a girl.
Which girl is this? The one who thinks you're too nice?
You stole a car? Yep, I do it for kicks.
Are you trying to impress me or something? What?
You're a good guy, and that's why I like you.
( phone ringing )
Cohen residence.
Ryan, hey, good.
I was hoping you'd answer.
If you're alone, cough twice.
I'm alone.
It's not as stealth, but it works too.
Where are you?
Well, remember last night when I said
that I was going to bed?
Didn't happen, huh?
Oh, no, it did, just not my bed.
But I did bring my favorite pillow.
You know the really fluffy one?
Hey.
Hmm. You sure you don't want to stick around
for a little home schooling?
Maybe I do.
Seth, your parents are both awake.
Yeah, yeah. That's why I need you to cover for me.
Yeah, let me think about that.
No.
Ryan, think of my parents for a second, okay?
They don't want to know I spent all night with a lady.
It's only going to hurt and upset them.
You know how fragile they are in the mornings.
Okay? Thank you.
Hello.
Whoa, well, top of the morning to you too.
Happy Anniversary.
Yeah.
Happy Anniversary to you as well.
I love you.
Oh, I...
I love you, too.
Oh, I love you more now than I did 19 years ago.
You mean you love me more now
than you did the year after we got married?
No...
Come on, honey, come on.
No, you know what I'm saying.
That newlywed year, that doesn't count.
That's a given.
You don't know how long we've been married.
No, no, I was kidding ya.
I know it's our 20th.
How could I forget that?
Who forgets their 20th anniversary?
Huh?
Apparently you.
No, not me.
If I had thought this was our 19th anniversary,
I would not have planned a celebration
only worthy of a 20th.
You planned something?
Yeah.
It's gonna be awesome.
I got to go.
Hey. You need a ride to school, like, this second?
Uh, no, thanks.
Actually, I was just going to take my bike...
Do not leave me, not now.
And where the hell is Seth? I need reinforcements.
Uh, Seth left early for school.
He did? He never leaves early for school.
Yeah, he had a report to finish I think.
A report? About what?
The history of agriculture in 20th century California.
Wow, that's specific.
Yep. Happy Anniversary.
Hey, kid,
I was a public defender for many years.
I've been lied to by the best.
He snuck out to see his girlfriend, didn't he?
Uh, no, he didn't.
Previously on The O.C...
I don't want this to be like kissing your sister.
Kirsten doesn't know you're seeing Lindsay, right?
She thinks we're just friends.
I know you're not on the market for any new relatives.
How about a friend?
I did a musical or two myself in college.
Please stop him before he starts singing Greased Lightning.
Are you drunk? She was like this when I picked her up.
You don't have to defend yourself to her.
No, but you do, young lady.
I need to go see a girl.
Which girl is this? The one who thinks you're too nice?
You stole a car? Yep, I do it for kicks.
Are you trying to impress me or something? What?
You're a good guy, and that's why I like you.
( phone ringing )
Cohen residence.
Ryan, hey, good.
I was hoping you'd answer.
If you're alone, cough twice.
I'm alone.
It's not as stealth, but it works too.
Where are you?
Well, remember last night when I said
that I was going to bed?
Didn't happen, huh?
Oh, no, it did, just not my bed.
But I did bring my favorite pillow.
You know the really fluffy one?
Hey.
Hmm. You sure you don't want to stick around
for a little home schooling?
Maybe I do.
Seth, your parents are both awake.
Yeah, yeah. That's why I need you to cover for me.
Yeah, let me think about that.
No.
Ryan, think of my parents for a second, okay?
They don't want to know I spent all night with a lady.
It's only going to hurt and upset them.
You know how fragile they are in the mornings.
Okay? Thank you.
Hello.
Whoa, well, top of the morning to you too.
Happy Anniversary.
Yeah.
Happy Anniversary to you as well.
I love you.
Oh, I...
I love you, too.
Oh, I love you more now than I did 19 years ago.
You mean you love me more now
than you did the year after we got married?
No...
Come on, honey, come on.
No, you know what I'm saying.
That newlywed year, that doesn't count.
That's a given.
You don't know how long we've been married.
No, no, I was kidding ya.
I know it's our 20th.
How could I forget that?
Who forgets their 20th anniversary?
Huh?
Apparently you.
No, not me.
If I had thought this was our 19th anniversary,
I would not have planned a celebration
only worthy of a 20th.
You planned something?
Yeah.
It's gonna be awesome.
I got to go.
Hey. You need a ride to school, like, this second?
Uh, no, thanks.
Actually, I was just going to take my bike...
Do not leave me, not now.
And where the hell is Seth? I need reinforcements.
Uh, Seth left early for school.
He did? He never leaves early for school.
Yeah, he had a report to finish I think.
A report? About what?
The history of agriculture in 20th century California.
Wow, that's specific.
Yep. Happy Anniversary.
Hey, kid,
I was a public defender for many years.
I've been lied to by the best.
He snuck out to see his girlfriend, didn't he?
Uh, no, he didn't.
( piano and acoustic guitar strumming gentle melody )
* California, here we come *
* Right back where we started from *
* California *
* California... *
* Ah... *
* Since I been here... *
The history of agriculture in 20th century California?
Ryan, the key to lying is to remain vague.
Have I taught you nothing?
Look, I'm not a good liar, all right?
Yeah, well, when it comes to hiding your relationship with Lindsay,
you seem to not have such a problem.
Well, we're both in trouble now.
Yeah, I feel bad about it, but I don't know,
I think you kind of deserve it after that.
Okay, you know what?
Next time find someone else to cover for you.
Cover for me?
Let me tell you something.
If we were buddy cops,
and sometimes I like to think that we are,
I'd be riddled with bullets right now.
Hey, guys.
Hey. Hey.
Did you read the new Whedon X-men?
I did, and I'll tell you my problems with it;
they're threefold...
Okay, it is too early for comic book talk.
Are you getting a coffee?
Yeah, I'm getting two.
Thank you, sweetie.
Mm. Isn't it interesting how Summer is constantly drawn
to the lovers of comic books?
Yes, Cohen, Zach does read comic books.
But Zach also plays water polo
and looks like the guy on the Abercrombie ad.
Ooh.
Well, you read comic books
and you wear the same clothes that you slept in.
Uh, excuse me, I did not sleep in these clothes.
Oh, okay, so putting on the same sleazy shirt from yesterday
is a choice; good to know.
No, it was just all I had.
Oh, what, did you like, shack at your girlfriend's last night?
Do the walk of shame to school this morning?
You shacked at Alex's?
You guys are shacking?
The washing machine broke.
You know, no offense, Ryan, but you're a really bad liar.
It's cool you guys.
I don't care or anything.
No, hey, I know.
Here you go.
You know what, I can't drink coffee this early.
It just makes me nauseous.
Sorry.
If we shoot this way, we get the house,
but if we shoot the reverse we get the pool and the ocean.
So square footage or spectacular views?
Oh... Cal?
Cal?
This photo shoot is important.
You could at least feign interest.
That's exactly what I'm doing.
I need money.
Well, good morning to you, too.
So listen, Riviera magazine
wants to do a big photo spread on us
and I think it's a great opportunity for us
to demonstrate the resilience and strength of our family.
It's wonderful exposure. Any chance to expose yourself, hmm?
Promise me you'll be here and you'll wear something Mark Jacobs
and you won't be off with your boyfriend.
So I can smile and pretend like we're this happy family?
Then I can't give you any money.
For the love of God.
Thank you.
Great way to undercut my power.
I happen to agree with her.
We are far from the perfect family
and I see no point in lying about it publicly.
RYAN: The thing is,
even if I wanted to lie about it, I can't. I can't lie.
What do you mean? You have like a moral objection?
No, I mean I can't do it. I suck at it.
Oh. Like the whole time you tried to pretend
that you didn't really like me. Ah.
Yeah, I didn't buy that for a second.
Yeah, thanks.
I just think it's a matter of time before Kirsten catches on.
I mean, she's already pretty mad at Seth and Sandy.
Well, we'll tell her.
Could we wait a little bit?
Kirsten and I had plans
to go to the big swap meet at the Rose Bowl
and maybe check out Shakespeare By The Sea.
The point is, we're still getting to know each other.
I know, I just don't want to have to lie about us.
I don't want to have to either, believe me.
I could still come over tonight and say we're going to study?
Mmm... And really study.
Okay, yeah, it sounds good.
We'll tell them soon, I promise.
SANDY: Oh, thank you.
That sounds wonderful.
We'll see you then.
All right, it was going to be a surprise,
but seeing how this is our 20th anniversary, I...
I got to tell you.
This weekend I am taking you, my beautiful bride of 20 years,
to the fabulous Montage Hotel and Resort
in breathtaking Laguna Beach.
The Montage gave you a reservation at the last minute?
Last minute? What, the phone call?
No. That was me reconfirming.
I was just making sure they didn't give away our suite
that I had booked so many weeks in advance.
Regardless of when you made the reservation,
I don't think we should leave Seth alone right now.
Seth is not going to be a problem.
Not after I get done disciplining him.
The fear of God, honey.
You'll see.
Start packing your bags.
Seth Ezekiel!
Kitchen, now!
And bring Mr. History of Agriculture with you.
So what do you have to say for yourself?
Oh.
Um, I'm sorry.
And also, it was an accident.
It was not intentional.
We were watching TV and we fell asleep,
like mom does every time we put on a movie.
I do not. I'm just resting my eyes.
You're both grounded.
No going out, no phones, no TV, no video games.
Don't be a smart ass.
Do you know what this weekend is?
Sure, it's your 20th anniversary.
That's right, it is.
And I have been looking forward
to this weekend for quite a while.
( clears throat )
Look, we want to go away for the weekend
and if we can't trust you by yourselves,
you'll have to stay with your grandfather,
which means you'll be spending the weekend with Julie Cooper.
You can rely on us. You can trust us.
Good, now go do your homework.
Nothing like a little Julie Cooper
to strike terror in the hearts of children everywhere.
That's very impressive.
So, shall I schedule a couple's massage?
Hmm, do you know what the gender for maison is?
What?
Maison, our French homework?
Right, French.
You know half of Orange County speaks Spanish
and we're learning how to order baguettes?
Okay, someone's in a mood.
No, I'm not.
Look, it wasn't supposed to happen like this.
I was supposed to have sex first.
What are you talking about?
Cohen. He spent the night at his girlfriend's.
They're obviously doing it.
What happens with Seth and Alex
has nothing to do with you and Zach.
I know, but I always thought that I would have sex first,
and that Cohen would catch syphilis on a public toilet.
You can't rush it.
You have to wait till you're ready.
You know what, Coop? You are right.
You want to know what I just realized?
That Zach and I are ready.
Man, are we ready.
Maybe we should take a break.
What's French for "Let's have sex"?
Voulez... poulet... something or other?
I mean, why don't they ever teach us anything we can use?
( knocking on door )
Seth says you're grounded, huh?
I'm surprised they even let you in.
Well, I promised I'm only here to study.
Ah...
Which, we're here to do.
Right, right. Study, got it.
Yep, study.
So, look, not that we were wrong to punish them,
but maybe we're handling this in the wrong way.
Ah. Post-grounding guilt?
You're such a convincing hard ass, but deep down,
you're such a softy.
Well, if all we do
is send them to their rooms to do their homework.
What are they going to learn? Their homework.
Well, if as parents,
we're supposed to be setting a good example,
how can we do that if they're not even in the same room with us?
So you want to cancel this weekend?
Or maybe we could log some quality parent-child time right now.
Watching TV?
Why not?
It's Bill O'Reilly.
That'll be punishment enough.
Let me get Seth.
All right, I know I sent you off to start serving time...
You've got to be kidding me.
( romantic music playing on stereo )
( kissing )
I'm really starting to get the hang of this physics thing.
Mmm. Objects in motion stay in motion?
Mm-hmm.
( knocking )
I...
Oh, my God.
* Hoping you'll see... *
We can't leave the boys alone.
We have to cancel.
Oh, we deserve this weekend.
Believe me, after the lecture I gave Seth last night,
he won't open another window again, much less climb out of one.
Seth?
I'm more preoccupied with Ryan and my sister.
Well, I understand,
but we cannot fight a war on multiple fronts.
Have we learned nothing from the Nazis?
Good morning. Morning.
Who wants blueberry pancakes? Banana?
Or if you're feeling sinful, chocolate chip.
Not going to happen.
Too little too late.
Nice try. No way.
I wanted to tell you about Lindsay.
You were too busy studying. Believe me, I saw.
Ouch. Tag out.
Okay, Dad. First of all, I'm really sorry.
And now I know you're not going to believe this, but...
You were doing chin-ups on the windowsill, right?
He's good. Tag in.
You trusted us, we lied to you. There's no excuse.
Yeah, so we just want you to know that whatever punishment
you decide on... we're fine with. Absolutely.
You guys have no idea how badly you screwed up.
No more apologies. No more pancakes.
You come straight home after school. Capisce?
Yeah, but about the pancakes,
we still have a batch going on...
Capisce.
We can't leave them alone.
Oh, so we get punished, too?
Give me the day to deal with this. Put some bars on the window.
I'll find out what's really going on.
Well, I found out enough last night.
Honey, we're going to celebrate our anniversary.
Mm.
And the kids are not getting in the way.
Marissa, honey, wait, please.
I'm late for school.
I just wanted to remind you about the photo shoot tomorrow.
Great, still not coming. Marissa, honey...
Look, I know things haven't been very easy around here--
everything with Caleb and your father leaving--
but this is the only family we have,
and I really want it to work,
and not just for the photo shoot.
You know, maybe we should take that trip to Puerto Vallarta.
So now you're bribing me?
Does that mean you'll be there?
You know what? Sure.
I'll even bring DJ.
Marissa...
he's not even our yard guy anymore.
You understand this is a portrait of our lives?
And DJ is a part of my life.
So, I'll see if he's free and we'll get back to you.
( sighing heavily )
I am so sorry I ran away.
I-I should have stayed and apologized.
No, be happy you took off.
Besides, it's my fault anyway.
I kind of knew we weren't going to study.
Yeah, well, we both knew we weren't going to study.
You at least had honorable intentions.
Towards Kirsten, not me.
Right.
Well, at least she knows, right?
Probably just needs a little time to get used to it.
How much time are we talking about?
I'll, I'll talk to her.
I need to talk to her.
I mean, after all, we're sisters.
Yeah, that's kind of the problem.
Huh...
Hey, look, the manager is not here right now,
but he has all the permits, so...
I'm not the cops.
Much worse.
I'm Seth's dad.
That is worse.
Well, I came to apologize for keeping Seth
from sneaking out of the house to see you last night.
It's a terrible thing leaving you
hanging like that.
Uh-huh.
You want me to stop seeing him, don't you?
Yeah.
But seeing how he's a teenage boy
and you've got tattoos and run a rock and roll club,
I'm not expecting any miracles.
So what is this, a warning?
Whoa, you're a little edgy around figures of authority,
aren't you?
Hey, there's no bar nuts.
What kind of joint is this?
I'll get right on it.
You're a bartender.
You listen to people's problems.
Hear mine.
This is my 20th anniversary.
Or it's supposed to be. It's not going so well.
Now... my wife is convinced she can't leave Seth alone.
You need me to baby-sit?
Cute.
You think I'm corrupting him?
I think you're a smart girl
and I think he'll listen to you.
More than he's going to listen to his parents right now.
Wow.
( clearing throat )
No dad has ever asked me to straighten out his son before.
I really don't like going behind his back,
but I-I think sometimes in order to be a good dad,
you've got to be a bad guy.
I don't have much experience with good dads.
Hey, well, listen, you stop over at the house anytime.
Kirsten and I will be very happy to ground you, too.
( mellow music playing )
Thank you.
Hi.
Oh.
Hello. Hey.
So, I have been thinking.
Maybe we could do something tonight.
Just you and I, alone.
I've got to pick up my sister from the airport tonight.
Oh. Why, is she handicapped or something?
No, she's just... she's been out of the country.
I haven't seen her for, like, a year.
Got it.
Well, so, anyways, we've been dating for a few months now,
and I really like you.
Cool, I like you, too.
Cool.
Well, I was thinking maybe we could take this to the next step.
You're totally right, Summer.
I've actually been thinking about it for a while.
I just, I didn't want to rush.
Well, let's rush. Okay, then.
Uh, this weekend? This weekend is per-fect.
Good. I'll call my parents and let them know.
Wow, you really keep your parents informed, huh?
Well, if they're going to be meeting my girlfriend,
I think they should probably know.
And this works perfectly with Abigail being back in town.
So, like, lunch tomorrow?
Great.
This is going to be great. Mm-hmm.
Yeah, it's nice.
* But down here *
* I believe *
* That I made a big deal with a girl that can't bleed *
* Now I see *
* Red and black... *
Hello.
I'm here for my after school tutorial
in the art of getting... ( muffled )
Is this the advanced class?
I don't feel good.
All right.
Well, maybe my magic hands can be of service.
What are we doing?
I call this part prepping the oven.
No. What are we doing in the larger sense?
Did something happen?
( sighing )
Your parents are worried about you.
My parents? How would you even know about...
Did my dad come by the club?
Your dad stopped by the club.
Oh...
That's embarrassing!
I've never listened to my own parents.
Suddenly I feel compelled to listen to yours.
Sandy Cohen has that effect on people.
So you're going to need some space.
I'm going to need some space.
Yep, probably a little time.
Definitely some time.
I'm sorry.
Cool.
But tell your parents Happy Anniversary.
The cars got a full tank of gas
and tomorrow we can head right out.
You can't be serious.
The boys will be fine at Caleb's.
I talked to Seth's girlfriend.
She's a bit of a character, but she seems like a good kid.
Is that why Seth isn't home yet?
I'm not letting the boys stay with Julie Cooper,
but they can't be left alone.
Honey, they're teenagers.
They like girls.
One of which happens to be my sister.
So what, w-w-we're gonna forbid them?
Well, not you. You wouldn't forbid them anything.
You're too busy being their best friend.
I'm the one that has to enforce all the rules.
I've never done more grounding
than I have in the last 24 hours.
Who let Seth run away to Portland?
What, we're talking about this now?
And who went up there and told him he could stay?
It's a good thing I did.
If I let you drag him home, we could have lost him forever.
That's why this is happening. Because he thinks he can do whatever he wants,
and you'll just keep me from coming down on him.
You think somebody can stop you from coming down on somebody?
Right, and I should find it adorable
that you forgot our anniversary!
Could we please talk about this later?
We have all weekend.
I canceled the reservations.
Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Come-come on.
Let's do this thing.
So what's going on with you, huh?
Where'd this Bizarro Seth come from?
Nice comic book reference.
Please.
So...
you spent the night at this girl's house.
Are you... are you having sex?
No, Dad. You don't have to worry about that ever happening
now that you showed up at the club and worked your magic.
I'm sorry, but you left me no choice.
What did we do?
Are you angry at us?
No.
Then it's about the girl?
I just, you know, whenever I'm around her,
I feel like I constantly have to prove to her
that I deserve to be around her.
Even if it's at the expense of your parents' relationship?
SANDY: Hey!
Come on in here. Join the party.
So...
the last time I checked in with you,
you and Lindsay were headed into the friend zone.
We were.
You lied to us.
I know, and I'm sorry.
Well, you know what? I'm afraid it's a little late for apologies.
From any of us.
My wedding anniversary weekend is... officially ruined.
How can we help?
( knock at door )
Hey. Hey.
Um, I-I called your house and Sandy said you might be here.
I-I had some work to finish.
Right. Right. Um...
I'm sorry.
You know, Ryan and I started seeing each other
before I-I found out about everything,
and then i-it all happened so fast and it was a lot.
I never wanted to upset you.
I know.
And I-I probably overreacted.
No, it... was embarrassing.
Lindsay, maybe you and I need to take some time.
Accepting Ryan into my home as my son was a huge deal for me.
And taking you in as my sister, which I am thrilled about,
it's just complicated.
So, you... you don't want me seeing Ryan?
I would never say that.
It's just that while you're seeing him,
maybe we should take a step back.
A step back?
So, does that mean we're like cousins now?
Maybe we should be friends.
Friends.
Um... great.
Bye.
( sighing )
I'm not nervous, so you're not nervous, right?
I'm so not nervous. Dads love me.
Oh, my dad couldn't make it.
He got held up in D.C. on some assault weapons ban.
Oh...
Hey, Mom, Abby.
Oh...
( laughing ) How are you?
This is Summer.
( gasps ) Hi.
Oh, it's a pleasure to meet you.
Zach's told us so much about you.
Oh, all lies, I'm sure.
Hi.
All I was trying to say, Mother...
Abby, I don't think this is the time.
I don't think Summer would be interested.
Oh, no, Summer's interested.
Please, whatever you were chatting about, continue.
I'm a listener.
I was saying that what's happening in Kashmir
just shows us how countries can be...
I know, cashmeres this season were just so cute.
I don't go anywhere without my cashmere purse.
Summer,
they're, uh...
No, Kashmir, as in the disputed region
between India and Pakistan.
They fought three wars over it.
Yes, yes, totally Kashmir.
Yeah,
I agree.
"I agree" with what?
What?
What she means, dear, is what do you agree with?
Do you think the Indians should cede Kashmir to the Pakistanis
or should remain an independent state?
Oh... yeah,
tough call. Hmm.
Two sides to every story.
You know, you are just so tan.
Zach, here, tells me you study abroad.
In Saint Bart's, perhaps?
I hear the Four Seasons there is amazing.
I was building an irrigation system
in a village in Southern India.
Hmm.
Maybe we should order.
Lovely.
This is your concept of time and space?
Oh, don't flatter yourself.
I'm here on official business.
And what business would that be?
Um, I would like my job back.
No.
Listen, the folks, they're a little bit mad at me, okay?
And needless to say, my allowance has been impacted.
Now, I don't want to have to start tightening my belt.
I don't want to have to give up
the vacation homes, the Porshe, the...
You're really tugging at my heartstrings here.
Look, I get why you're upset. No, I think you don't.
Uh, because my dad broke up with you for me?
Okay, now I know you don't.
You don't realize how lucky you are.
That my dad showed up and humiliated me?
That he showed up at all? That he cares that there's something wrong
and his first reaction isn't just to throw you out of the house?
It still pays minimum wage.
You know where the bathrooms are.
Are there any other perks?
What's the point, Seth?
It's not like they're ever gonna approve of me.
Well, maybe there's a way we can show them you're not so bad.
Hmm?
Smile.
What is taking so long?
He's not painting our portrait.
My face is gonna freeze in this position
unless you push the button.
Cal, this photograph is going to be seen
by everyone in Newport Beach.
You don't want frown lines.
Okay, if you can all smile.
I am smiling, damn it.
Oh, wait a second.
Hey. Sorry I'm late.
Oh, my God.
He's come to mow the lawn?
Can't he reschedule?
Oh, I'll handle this.
Handle what? Tell him to come back tomorrow.
And check for poison oak.
What is he doing here?
I thought you said she was cool with this.
You must be joking.
Look, either DJ's in the photo or I'm out. It's up to you.
Now, you know, I'll save you the hard choice.
I'm leaving.
Works for me.
Thanks a lot.
You can forget your photo shoot.
DJ wait... Don't.
I'll go.
If having him here means we get our picture taken,
I'll bring him back.
Like he'll listen to you.
Well, considering I'm not the one who lied to him,
I think I have a better shot than you.
DJ, wait up.
What, you need some hedges trimmed?
Don't be so self-deprecating.
I wanted to thank you for not causing more of a scene back there.
Oh, save the act, Mrs. Cooper.
I know you hate me being with Marissa.
It's Mrs. Cooper Nichol, and you're damn right, I do.
You know, the Nichol on the end of my name allows me
to write you a check with a few zeros on the end of it.
What are you talking about?
What do you say, five grand, never to see my daughter again?
How do you spell your last name?
Never mind, you can fill that part out.
You're unbelievable.
I'm doing you a favor, honey.
You and I both know Marissa
is just using you to get back at me.
What do you think today was all about, hmm?
It only seems fair you should get something out of this relationship, too.
Hey! Hey.
What's going on?
Ah. Mmm.
Okay, you tell me your news.. Yeah.
...'cause, then, I have some.
Oh, yeah? You want to go first?
No. You picked this very important meeting at the pier,
so you get the honors.
All right.
Uh... it's just... us.
This.
It's causing problems for Kirsten and Sandy,
and... and I just... I can't do that to them.
I owe them too much, you know?
I... just... think we should take some time...
space for... a while.
Be friends.
Great.
Two hours ago I had a sister and a boyfriend,
and now all I have are friends.
Oh, wait, what?
Before I came here, I talked to Kirsten and she asked me,
without asking me, to choose
between a sister and a boyfriend.
And... genius that I am...
I chose you.
Had I known that you had this whole time-space plan,
I might have chosen differently.
I didn't know, I'm sorry.
Ah, yeah, you're sorry.
Cool, 'cause... that really fixes absolutely nothing.
I've got to go.
* This probably won't work out *
* We might not live forever *
* While there's nothing to confess *
* Please pay attention... *
Oh, there she is!
All day I've been looking for this beautiful woman.
Happy Anniversary.
So, come on. Let's go, let's get ready.
Get ready for what?
My dear, maybe you've forgotten, but it's our 20th anniversary,
and I'm taking you to the Arches.
You've got to be kidding.
I know what you're worried about.
Never fear-- I've hired some baby-sitters.
Fellas!
SANDY: Joe, Tim.
Two of Orange County's finest.
We've been friends since I worked the P.D.'s office.
Evening, Mrs. Cohen.
Your boys will be safe with us.
Happy Anniversary.
Mmm. My rib eye is excellent.
How's your turbot?
Fine.
Just fine?
Too fishy?
Send it back if you want.
Sandy.
Send it back. Sandy.
All right, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
All I wanted was to give you a special evening...
and some turbot that wasn't too fishy.
I know.
I'm sorry I brought up Portland last night.
That wasn't your fault.
It's just Seth
is growing up so fast and... I don't want to lose him.
Let's stop apologizing, okay?
Let's just enjoy ourselves.
Look on the bright side.
We got all of this out of our system before Valentine's Day.
( chuckling )
Oh, no.
Oh, God.
I don't know how they did it,
Sandy, but uh, we went outside for a second-- they were gone.
Check.
REPORTER ( on TV ): A government spokesman ( knocking on door )
has stated that there is not much truth in the rumor
that the Pentagon wastefully dumped
military equipment and supplies...
I cannot believe what Chirac said
to the farmer's union.
You go, Jacques.
The Economist?
The Nation?
The New Republic? Okay, what are you doing?
I'm informing myself, Coop.
It's impossible. There is so much news.
You know, the worst part is, it is constantly changing.
If everything could just stop for, like, one day,
maybe I could catch up.
You should just call him back. He's left you four messages since lunch.
If Zach wants to dump me, he can do it in person.
At least Zach's calling you.
I haven't heard from DJ since the photo shoot incident.
You mean since your mother spoke to him?
Exactly, and who knows what she said.
I left him a message to meet us.
I'm really getting worried.
Well, I'm past the point of worrying.
I'm resigned to my fate.
The lunch can't have been that bad.
Remember how lunch went with my dad and Cohen?
Mm.
Well, compared to my performance today,
Cohen came off like Kofi Annan.
Who's Kofi Annan?
Some guy Zach's mom knows.
I think he works for United Airlines.
Hmm.
I can't believe you talked me into leaving them.
Yeah, well, excuse me for wanting
to celebrate my 20th anniversary.
How do you know where they are? A hunch.
Hey, fellas, let's pick it up, huh?
You got it, Sandy.
Thanks, Tim.
Thank you.
Everything they said to us--
feeling sorry, wanting to reform-- all lies.
No more Mr. Nice Guy.
So now you admit that you were Mr. Nice Guy?
Don't make this about me.
We show a united front, we show no mercy.
If he wants bad, I can be bad,
but first...
ALL: Surprise!
You planned all this?
Well, I prefer the term "orchestrated."
So, we're here tonight
to celebrate the marriage of Sandy and Kirsten Cohen.
Woo! Woo! Yeah.
We all owe them so much, I think,
because, if they were never married,
then they never would have had me,
and think of what all you people
would be missing out on. Now...
That's touching.
So, we'd like to take a moment
and say thanks for everything.
And... And.
...apologize for everything. Yes.
Because here's the thing.
The fact that your marriage
can survive the two of us,
is truly inspiring, and it gets me here.
To Sandy and Kirsten.
Hear, hear!
( cheering )
So now for the evening's main attraction...
Yeah, I don't know how many of you people know this,
but back in the day, Sandy Cohen could cut
a pretty sweet tune.
In fact, he actually was, uh, Danny Zuko
in the original
U.C. Berkeley production of Grease.
You're not going up there.
Baby, I'm gone.
So now, appearing live at the Bait Shop,
one night only...
Sandy Cohen and the News.
Whoo!
( crowd cheering )
Well, first of all, before we start,
I want to thank my kids,
Seth and Ryan,
and a new friend of the family,
without whom none of this would be possible,
I want to thank Alex.
Well, I guess, uh, we ought to start, fellas.
I'd like to dedicate this song to the love of my life
and I-I hope maybe in another 20 years,
she might forgive me for this.
( ballad intro begins )
* If I fall short *
* If I don't make the grade *
* If your expectations aren't met in me *
* Today *
* There's always tomorrow *
* Or tomorrow night *
* Hang in there, baby *
* Sooner or later, I know I'll get it right *
* Please don't give up on me... *
There you are.
I'm reading about these attacks
on the Hungarian minority in Serbia.
Hmm.
I think I know what's going on here.
What?
That you are breaking up with me because
you and your family think I'm an idiot?
Summer, there's lots of ways to be smart.
It's not just about knowing Kuala Lumpur
is the capital of Indonesia,
and I like you because you're different from my family.
Then you must like me a whole lot.
* I know... I know I was wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong *
Yeah, I do.
* I'd like to make amends... *
Just so you know--
Jakarta is the capital of Indonesia.
Mm-hmm.
* The love that I never, ever shown just won't give up on me *
* Every word is true *
Marissa?
Look, I know why you're down,
but the truth is, you are better off.
What are you talking about? You don't even know him.
I know that I offered him $5,000 as a test to stay away,
and he took it.
I just think you should know what he's really like, honey.
* I know it's late *
* Late in the game *
* But my feelings *
* My true feelings *
* Haven't changed... *
I'm really sorry that I freaked out.
We should have told you.
It's, it's a difficult situation.
I-I barely understand it myself.
Look, she's great.
I like her, but more than anything,
you two should be friends.
We will,
but right now
I think you two should go and dance.
* ...that I've never, ever shown *
* Just won't give up on me... *
* Every word is true *
I wasn't going to come.
Seth called me and...
I'm... glad you did,
and I'm sorry about before.
I'm over the time-space plan.
That's a bad, bad plan.
Uh... what about?
She, uh... she wanted me to ask you...
...if you wanted to dance with me.
* I don't want you to *
* I know it's late *
* Oh, wait... please, please, please, please *
* Don't give up on me *
He sounds good, huh?
You know you've created a monster.
Yeah, I do. There's somebody I want you to meet.
Oh, hi.
Um, I'm-I'm Kirsten.
Alex.
Thank you so much for the party.
Oh, no problem, really. This is the least I could do.
That's true.
Uh, lovely tattoo.
Thank you.
Your husband rocks, by the way.
I mean, wow.
Well, please don't tell him that.
* Oh, hold on, baby... *
( applause, cheers )
* Please... *
* Don't give up on me *
Hey.
Where have you been?
I've been calling you all day.
I know.
I've been thinking, and uh,
I can't do this anymore, I'm sorry.
So you took the money.
No,
but that doesn't change anything.
I know you're upset, but please, don't let my mom
be the reason. Marissa,
this isn't about your mom.
All right, you can't blame her for everything.
But it's her fault.
I mean, if she wasn't against us, then there wouldn't be...
Then you probably wouldn't have dated me in the first place.
I'm not saying you didn't like me.
Just... not as much as you hate her.
I'm sorry.
Why?
We had fun.
She left it blank.
So why don't you go on a shopping spree on her?
You take care, okay?
Yeah, you, too.
( crowd applauding and cheering )
( raucous blues playing )
* And I can't remember *
* How I met her *
* Seems like she's always just been hanging on my arm *
* And I can't remember *
* How I ever *
* Oh, thought that I could live without her woman's charms *
* She loves to lie beside me *
* Almost every night *
* Well, she's no lady, she's my wife *
* She's no lady, she's my wife. *