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♪ Chappelle's Show
Chappelle's Show ♪
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♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
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♪ Chappelle's Show
Chappelle's show ♪
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♪ Oww ♪
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♪ Whoo-hoo-hoo ♪
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♪ Whoo-hoo ♪
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♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
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Let's start the show.
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[cheers and applause]
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[announcer] Dave Chappelle!
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Oh, wow...
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Man.
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Welcome, welcome to
the Chappelle show , everybody.
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Thanks for coming out, man,
I am your, um, host.
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[laughs]
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You know, I gotta tell y'all,
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I just bought
one of the hottest albums
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I bought in a long time, man.
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That, that Chocolate Factory,
that R. Kelly.
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He put it down.
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[applause]
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I mean, say what you want
to say about his scandal,
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but the music is scandal-proof,
you know what I'm saying?
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And any real fan of R. Kelly
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wouldn't let that scandal
stop him
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because if you was paying
attention to his music
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all these years,
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you might've seen it coming
like I did.
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Go ahead, roll that video.
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Yeah... it's the R.
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40 ounces of malt liquor make me
want to tell you somethin'.
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♪ Said rollin' around
Sittin' on dubs ♪
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♪ Countin' the hours
High on shrubs ♪
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♪ Coolin' in my escalade ♪
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♪ Man, I'm paid
I got it made ♪
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♪ Take me to
Your special place ♪
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♪ Close your eyes
Show me your face ♪
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♪ I'm gonna piss on it ♪
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♪ Haters wanna hate
Lovers wanna love ♪
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♪ I don't even want
None of the above ♪
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♪ I want to piss on you
Yes, I do ♪
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♪ I'll piss on you
I'll pee on you ♪
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♪ Said your body
Your body ♪
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♪ Is a port-a-potty ♪
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♪ I'ma pee out kick ♪
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♪ I can use karate
Use karate ♪
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♪ I'ma pee on you ♪
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♪ Drip, drip, drip
Pee on you ♪
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♪ Pour on you ♪
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♪ Piss on you
Piss on you ♪
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♪ You'll never feel
Quite the same ♪
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♪ When you get a whiff
Of my Hershey stains ♪
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♪ I wanna poop on you too ♪
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♪ I want to
Pee in your food ♪
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♪ Only thing
To make my life complete ♪
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♪ Is when I turn your face
Into a toilet seat ♪
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♪ I want to pee on you ♪
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♪ Yes, I do
Yes, I do ♪
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♪ I'll pee on you
I'll piss on you ♪
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♪ Haters wanna hate
Lovers wanna love ♪
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♪ I don't even want
None of the above ♪
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♪ I want to piss on you
Yes, I do ♪
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♪ I'll piss on you
I'll pee on you ♪
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♪ Won't you braid my hair ♪
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♪ Say, won't you braid my hair ♪
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♪ Before you start
I'm gonna fart ♪
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♪ I'm gonna fart on you ♪
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[applause and cheers]
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Oh!
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Boy, that R. Kelly can make
a love song about anything,
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can't he?
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Now, a lot of you
might be wondering,
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"Dave, how are you
gonna follow that?"
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How else?
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Make some noise,
ladies and gentlemen,
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for Paul Mooney's, time for,
"Ask a Black Dude."
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Are all their dicks really big?
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Or are some small, some big?
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Is it a mixed bag,
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or do we just assume
they're all hung like horses?
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Brothers are packing,
they seem to be packing.
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I guess that's
the way of the world.
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That's why you have
so many mixed couples.
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White girl ain't that crazy.
How's the old saying go?
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"Once you go black,
you don't come back"?
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You go white,
you go running back to black.
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Ain't that the way it goes?
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It happens that way.
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Wasn't Mariah Carey
married to a white man?
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And then they divorced...
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She was humping on black chairs,
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she went crazy
when she got away from him.
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Okay, I've always wondered
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why black guys
shave their heads.
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I mean, it just seems
that they have great hair,
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and I could never figure out
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why so many of them
shave their heads.
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It's just a fad.
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Now, white folks wear
bald heads, too.
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You know they ain't gonna
let a nigga have nothing.
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We wore naturals,
they took that,
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they take everything.
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They took Tina Turner.
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They took Michael Jackson.
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They took James Brown...
They gave him back.
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Who else they take?
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Lionel Richie.
Oh, they'll take stuff from you.
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They will take, they won't
let us have too much fun.
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That's what I told
some black people
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the other night
at my show.
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I said,
"Don't get too fond of me
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'cause white folks'll come in
and take me."
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They only want niggas
to have a little bit of fun.
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I get to talking some mess
on your show,
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they'll take your show,
they'll fix you, too.
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Woo!
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That Paul Mooney is something!
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I can't believe this is
actually happening.
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R. Kelly actually sent over
the Piss On You remix.
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-[man] What?
-I'm serious!
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For real, look!
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[narration]
Normally I don't do this,
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but I'ma hit y'all off with
a little taste of the remix.
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Y'all ready? Here we go.
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♪ I pick you up
From the club ♪
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♪ Take you home
To make some love ♪
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♪ Got a surprise
Close your eyes ♪
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♪ I'm gonna
Cover you with suds ♪
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♪ I'm gonna give you
Some poo-poo ♪
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♪ I'm gonna give you
Some pee-pee ♪
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♪ I'm gonna give you
Some doo-doo ♪
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♪ Wash it down
With some wee-wee ♪
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♪ This is the remix edition
Of the song about pissin' ♪
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♪ I got that peein'
Leakin', reekin' ♪
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♪ And there's juice
In the kitchen ♪
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Yeah... that's how
it goes at an R. Kelly party.
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♪ I sip cris'... ♪
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♪ You drink piss. ♪
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I Wanna Piss On You remix.
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You heard?
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You know, I'm serious.
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I really do want to piss on you.
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[applause]
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We'll take a quick
commercial break.
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Don't go nowhere,
we'll be right back.
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♪ Chappelle's Show
Ow ♪
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Hey, gang.
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Boy, so much to talk
about tonight.
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I've been watching
the, The History Channel a lot.
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The History Channel,
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it gives you perspective
on a lot of things.
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For instance, gang violence
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is something that I never
really understood.
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And then I was watching
The History Channel
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and they just came with it, man.
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They really enlightened me.
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[host] Welcome to
"The World's Greatest Wars."
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We've reviewed the civil war,
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World War II and the Gulf War.
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But now, we turn your attention
to a classic war
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that took place right here
on American soil.
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For the last 20 years,
on Chicago's south side,
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a violent war has been waged
between two bitter enemies,
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the 19th Street Gangsters
and The River Terrace Crew.
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The war began in 1982
over a pair of basketball shoes.
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But not just
any basketball shoes.
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These... were Nikes.
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"Ay, dog, ay,"
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Earl The Snake White
called out
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after a rival member
of the 19th Street Gangsters,
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General Cornrow Wallace,
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made minor contact
with his shoes.
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Ay!
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Ay, dog, ay.
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You stepped on my sneaker, man!
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The Snake knew then that
he would have to fight him.
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Aah!
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Ah, aah!
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What you got?
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Oh! Aah!
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[mocking] Aah! Aah!
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Get that shit off my sneakers!
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[clucking, cooing]
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[narrator] The Snake was down,
but not out.
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He returned to the crew's
clubhouse
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and rallied the troops
with a most impassioned speech.
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[man] Some mark-ass trick just
stepped on my sneakers
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and poured Morton salt
all over 'em.
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Are y'all ready to ride?
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Robble, robble.
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[all] Robble, robble!
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Let's ride on these fools
at their own barbecue.
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[narrator] Wasting no time,
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the crew commenced
stomping on people's sneakers
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to let them know
who ran the projects.
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General Cornrow Wallace
pulled out a gun--
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unheard of, at that point,
in street fighting.
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[gunshot]
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A resident called 911
immediately.
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Police showed up promptly
four hours later.
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Cornrow was sentenced
to seven years in prison.
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His time there would be
formative, to say the least.
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[clucking, cooing]
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His roommate in jail was
a man named Tyrone Biggums,
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00:09:08,376 --> 00:09:12,960
who regaled cornrow with stories
of a new way to make cocaine.
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It's called crack!
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It's great!
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And it's so simple to make!
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All you need is some cocaine
and some baking soda...
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And I think I tasted
egg and cinnamon.
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Whoever sells it is
gonna be rich!
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Cornrow immediately alerted his
friends on the outside
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via a letter.
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[man reading slowly] "Yo.
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Y'all niggers need
to cook up cocaine
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with... ba-king powder
and sell it.
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All the best, Cornrow-up.
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P.S."
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[coos]
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[narrator] They immediately
started cooking the stuff up
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and selling it on what little
space they still controlled.
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They had made hundreds
of thousands of dollars
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00:10:00,918 --> 00:10:02,668
in mere weeks.
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In no time, snake and his crew
followed suit.
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00:10:05,876 --> 00:10:09,585
The money made fueled what
became a heated arms race
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00:10:09,668 --> 00:10:11,168
between the two groups.
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[gunshots]
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[explosion, snake laughs]
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The violence escalated
every year,
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finally peaking in 1989
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when the 19th Street Gangsters
sustained a massive loss
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at the battle of
the Kool Moe Dee concert,
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00:10:25,501 --> 00:10:29,126
which took place at...
A Kool Moe Dee concert.
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Newly released from prison,
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revered general cornrow Wallace
was shot dead.
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The funeral was somber
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and filled with cornrow's
signature bird call.
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[all cooing]
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The funeral passed
without incident
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but what the crew did next
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appalled even the hardest thugs.
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The crew went to the graveyard
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00:10:52,418 --> 00:10:55,251
and dug up
General Cornrow Wallace's body,
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absconding with it
to their hideout.
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The incident was videotaped
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00:11:01,626 --> 00:11:04,585
and sent to members
of the 19th Street Gangsters.
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00:11:04,668 --> 00:11:06,835
Hey, fool, we got your leader.
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00:11:06,918 --> 00:11:07,835
Look at us.
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00:11:07,918 --> 00:11:10,168
High five!
High five!
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00:11:10,251 --> 00:11:12,418
Look at these pretty clothes
there.
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00:11:13,626 --> 00:11:16,168
Get his shoes,
look at them pretty shoes!
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Oh, I'm steppin' on 'em.
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00:11:18,460 --> 00:11:22,043
♪ Robble, robble
Robble, robble ♪
254
00:11:25,126 --> 00:11:26,793
Tensions between the gangsters
255
00:11:26,876 --> 00:11:30,251
and the 19th Street crew
rage to this day.
256
00:11:30,085 --> 00:11:33,043
Most of the original members
of the gangs
257
00:11:33,126 --> 00:11:35,376
are either dead or in jail.
258
00:11:35,460 --> 00:11:39,751
But we did speak to one member,
Earl The Snake White.
259
00:11:39,835 --> 00:11:43,085
Ironically, he now works
at a Friendly Shoe Source
260
00:11:43,168 --> 00:11:45,668
in a strip mall
on the exact location
261
00:11:45,751 --> 00:11:48,043
where the cardinal projects
once stood.
262
00:11:48,126 --> 00:11:49,418
All right!
263
00:11:49,501 --> 00:11:53,210
[narrator] Snake, knowing what
you do now, was it all worth it?
264
00:11:53,043 --> 00:11:54,668
Yeah, it was a tragedy!
265
00:11:55,710 --> 00:11:56,918
Can you repeat the question?
266
00:11:58,126 --> 00:12:00,543
For The History Channel,
I'm Jeff Frankel.
267
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Good night.
268
00:12:02,210 --> 00:12:06,626
[applause]
269
00:12:06,710 --> 00:12:09,043
We're gonna take a quick
commercial break,
270
00:12:09,126 --> 00:12:12,168
but we'll be right back with
more Chappelle's Show.
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So don't go anywhere.
272
00:12:18,501 --> 00:12:20,001
Ha-ha, go ahead!
273
00:12:23,918 --> 00:12:25,335
Hey, gang, welcome back.
274
00:12:28,043 --> 00:12:29,460
Welcome back.
275
00:12:31,210 --> 00:12:33,085
So here at Chappelle's Show
we like to show people
276
00:12:33,168 --> 00:12:35,543
the real versions of movies.
277
00:12:35,626 --> 00:12:37,668
Okay, so I got
another one for you.
278
00:12:37,751 --> 00:12:39,418
Today we're gonna do
Deep Impact.
279
00:12:39,501 --> 00:12:40,918
I don't know if you've seen it.
280
00:12:41,001 --> 00:12:43,335
This was where Morgan Freeman
was the Black president.
281
00:12:44,626 --> 00:12:46,835
An asteroid was speeding
towards Earth,
282
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and he had to figure out a way
283
00:12:49,043 --> 00:12:52,418
to solve the problem
and save humanity!
284
00:12:52,501 --> 00:12:55,251
I wonder what would
really happen, hmm?
285
00:12:57,543 --> 00:12:59,001
Please be seated.
286
00:13:02,793 --> 00:13:04,501
Hello, America.
287
00:13:04,585 --> 00:13:07,043
As you all know, there's
an asteroid the size of Maine
288
00:13:07,126 --> 00:13:10,251
speeding towards earth
as we speak.
289
00:13:10,085 --> 00:13:12,251
I'd like to take a moment
out of the day to, uh,
290
00:13:12,335 --> 00:13:16,626
address the allegations that
this is somehow my fault.
291
00:13:21,168 --> 00:13:22,460
Firstly I'd like to say
292
00:13:22,543 --> 00:13:26,126
that these allegations are
absolutely and 100% false.
293
00:13:27,043 --> 00:13:28,418
Secondly, and most importantly,
294
00:13:28,501 --> 00:13:32,918
I'd like to say that you
motherfuckers disgust me!
295
00:13:33,001 --> 00:13:35,210
You're goddamn right I said it.
296
00:13:35,043 --> 00:13:36,751
If you knew
just one of the things
297
00:13:36,835 --> 00:13:38,085
I was sworn to secrecy to,
298
00:13:38,168 --> 00:13:40,335
you would buckle
under the goddamn pressure.
299
00:13:40,418 --> 00:13:42,460
[all] Mr. President!
Mr. President!
300
00:13:42,543 --> 00:13:43,418
Like what?
301
00:13:43,501 --> 00:13:44,585
How about this.
302
00:13:46,210 --> 00:13:48,751
I have here in my hand
the cure for aids.
303
00:13:50,210 --> 00:13:52,126
We've had this for 25 years.
304
00:13:54,001 --> 00:13:55,376
Have a great weekend.
305
00:13:55,460 --> 00:13:58,460
Did I shock you?
Are you crazy yet?
306
00:13:58,543 --> 00:14:01,043
Well, I have somebody
I'd like you to meet.
307
00:14:01,126 --> 00:14:03,168
Come on up here, Paula.
308
00:14:03,251 --> 00:14:06,085
America, I'd like you to
meet my good friend Paula.
309
00:14:06,835 --> 00:14:09,210
And here's Paula again.
310
00:14:09,293 --> 00:14:11,668
And here's Paula one more time.
311
00:14:11,751 --> 00:14:14,085
We cloned these three bitches
in a laboratory in Seattle
312
00:14:14,168 --> 00:14:17,001
some 19-odd years ago.
313
00:14:17,085 --> 00:14:18,460
Not only that, we added
a pinch of black genes
314
00:14:18,543 --> 00:14:21,168
so that they could
do things like this.
315
00:14:21,251 --> 00:14:22,460
Hit it, girls.
316
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♪ Running through
the raindrops ♪
317
00:14:25,210 --> 00:14:27,626
♪ Wishing that you
won't stop-- ♪
318
00:14:27,710 --> 00:14:29,835
That'll be enough,
thank you very much.
319
00:14:29,918 --> 00:14:30,668
All right, baby.
320
00:14:31,376 --> 00:14:32,710
Oh, hold on, Paula.
321
00:14:34,168 --> 00:14:35,585
It's the cure for aids.
322
00:14:35,668 --> 00:14:36,876
Sorry about last night.
323
00:14:39,418 --> 00:14:41,168
Freaked out yet?
Have I blown your mind?
324
00:14:41,251 --> 00:14:43,126
Or you think you can
still handle my job?
325
00:14:43,210 --> 00:14:45,918
Because if you're cocky and you
think you got hold of this,
326
00:14:46,001 --> 00:14:48,460
I got some more information
for you.
327
00:14:48,543 --> 00:14:50,043
Would you like to know
who killed Kennedy?
328
00:14:50,126 --> 00:14:51,918
[man] Yeah. Who killed Kennedy?
329
00:14:52,001 --> 00:14:53,793
You ready for the truth,
America?
330
00:14:53,876 --> 00:14:54,918
Here it comes.
331
00:14:55,835 --> 00:14:57,543
Oswald killed Kennedy.
332
00:14:57,626 --> 00:15:01,126
That's right, Lee Harvey Oswald
killed John F. Kennedy,
333
00:15:01,210 --> 00:15:03,126
alone and by himself.
334
00:15:04,043 --> 00:15:05,210
With a magic bullet.
335
00:15:06,585 --> 00:15:08,668
That's right, the bullet was
actually magical,
336
00:15:08,751 --> 00:15:09,876
magic does exist.
337
00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:12,085
We've known about this
for some 2,000 years.
338
00:15:12,168 --> 00:15:13,168
I'm not finished yet,
339
00:15:13,251 --> 00:15:15,460
I have some more information
that might startle you.
340
00:15:15,543 --> 00:15:17,085
The R. Kelly sex tape.
341
00:15:18,001 --> 00:15:20,126
That wasn't R. Kelly, it was me.
342
00:15:20,210 --> 00:15:21,376
That's right,
343
00:15:21,460 --> 00:15:23,085
I urinate on people
when I have sex with them.
344
00:15:23,168 --> 00:15:25,668
I'm a disgusting human being
and I apologize
345
00:15:25,751 --> 00:15:28,001
to the people
who I've hurt and peed on.
346
00:15:28,085 --> 00:15:29,876
Bet I blew your mind
right there, didn't I?
347
00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:31,085
I'm really on a roll
and I don't care
348
00:15:31,168 --> 00:15:33,626
because the world's
going to end any day now.
349
00:15:33,710 --> 00:15:36,626
So I might as well introduce
you
to a good friend of mine,
350
00:15:36,710 --> 00:15:38,293
Bibble.
Bibble, come on up.
351
00:15:38,376 --> 00:15:40,793
[man] Oh my God!
Is that an alien?
352
00:15:44,251 --> 00:15:46,168
America, this is Bibble.
353
00:15:46,251 --> 00:15:48,585
Bibble is a space creature
that lives very far away
354
00:15:48,668 --> 00:15:51,085
in a galaxy called Nebulon Five.
355
00:15:51,168 --> 00:15:54,043
And he is solely responsible
for the wave of technology
356
00:15:54,126 --> 00:15:56,168
we've seen
over the last few decades:
357
00:15:56,251 --> 00:15:58,835
Cell phones, pagers,
PlayStation 1 and 2.
358
00:15:58,918 --> 00:16:00,585
You might think
it was the Japanese
359
00:16:00,668 --> 00:16:02,085
who are responsible,
360
00:16:02,168 --> 00:16:04,876
but anyone in the know knows
that it was Bibble, fo' shizzle
361
00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:05,918
and all 'bout Bibble.
362
00:16:06,001 --> 00:16:08,001
'Cause only Bibble can keep it
so real.
363
00:16:10,210 --> 00:16:13,210
Hey, uh, Bibble, is
the spaceship ready?
364
00:16:13,043 --> 00:16:15,043
-[Electronic voice] Aye, aye.
-I'm ready to get out of here.
365
00:16:15,126 --> 00:16:17,001
Okay, me and Bibble
are about to leave,
366
00:16:17,085 --> 00:16:18,835
but before we go
I just want to say,
367
00:16:18,918 --> 00:16:20,793
there's no hope
for the planet earth.
368
00:16:20,876 --> 00:16:22,376
There's no way to stop
the asteroid
369
00:16:22,460 --> 00:16:23,626
and you're all gonna die.
370
00:16:23,710 --> 00:16:25,210
Everyone except for me.
371
00:16:25,293 --> 00:16:26,710
And of course, Bibble,
372
00:16:26,793 --> 00:16:29,376
who's been so kind to let me
accompany him on his spaceship.
373
00:16:29,460 --> 00:16:30,460
And I'm bringing those
374
00:16:30,543 --> 00:16:32,210
three cloned white women
with me.
375
00:16:32,043 --> 00:16:33,251
Good-bye, America.
376
00:16:33,335 --> 00:16:35,460
I hope you all die
in a fiery death
377
00:16:35,543 --> 00:16:37,751
when the meteor
hits next Tuesday.
378
00:16:37,835 --> 00:16:39,418
Come on, Bibble,
let's get out of here.
379
00:16:39,501 --> 00:16:41,251
[man] Oh, my God!
380
00:16:41,085 --> 00:16:42,126
Aye, aye.
381
00:16:44,585 --> 00:16:47,251
[applause]
382
00:16:49,876 --> 00:16:52,251
All right, we're gonna take
a quick commercial break.
383
00:16:52,335 --> 00:16:55,168
But please, don't go anywhere
'cause we'll be right back.
384
00:17:00,043 --> 00:17:01,501
Look at that.
385
00:17:01,585 --> 00:17:05,043
♪ Turn on your TV
what you gonna see? ♪
386
00:17:07,210 --> 00:17:10,710
I would like to thank
the studio audience.
387
00:17:10,793 --> 00:17:12,710
I would like to thank you
at home.
388
00:17:12,793 --> 00:17:16,001
You see, because I keep saying--
389
00:17:16,085 --> 00:17:17,418
-Hi.
-Hey, what's up, man?
390
00:17:17,501 --> 00:17:19,043
We just got a call,
391
00:17:19,126 --> 00:17:20,001
looks like you're having
a lot of fun out here.
392
00:17:20,085 --> 00:17:21,126
Just having a blast, baby.
393
00:17:21,210 --> 00:17:23,751
Yeah, we, uh,
we are the white guys.
394
00:17:23,835 --> 00:17:26,376
And we've come
to take over your show.
395
00:17:28,168 --> 00:17:29,543
What do you mean, are you--?
396
00:17:29,626 --> 00:17:31,251
Well, we already got
Paul Mooney.
397
00:17:31,335 --> 00:17:33,168
-Now we gotta take you.
-You took Paul?
398
00:17:33,251 --> 00:17:34,501
Yeah-- oh, and by the way,
399
00:17:34,585 --> 00:17:36,168
could you people
stack the chairs
400
00:17:36,251 --> 00:17:37,043
on the way out, please?
401
00:17:37,126 --> 00:17:38,251
Thank you so much.
402
00:17:38,085 --> 00:17:39,210
Hey, wait a minute, wait.
403
00:17:39,293 --> 00:17:40,710
Get a picture of me
and David before we go.
404
00:17:40,793 --> 00:17:42,001
Oh, sure, sure.
405
00:17:42,085 --> 00:17:43,210
Yeah, my daughter's gonna
love this.
406
00:17:43,293 --> 00:17:44,251
Oh, Hannah, yeah?
407
00:17:44,335 --> 00:17:45,751
My daughter thinks
you're really funny.
408
00:17:46,626 --> 00:17:48,376
Okay, we got him now, huh?
409
00:17:48,460 --> 00:17:50,335
Is this still live?
Can we cut that?
410
00:17:50,418 --> 00:17:52,626
Yeah, the Mike's on--
but, hey, hold on there--
411
00:17:52,710 --> 00:17:53,501
Come on, let's go.
412
00:17:53,585 --> 00:17:54,335
Help!
413
00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:56,960
Help!
414
00:18:00,793 --> 00:18:02,376
What y'all clapping for? Help!
415
00:18:03,043 --> 00:18:04,085
Watch your step.
416
00:18:04,168 --> 00:18:06,168
This ain't no skit, bitch, help!
417
00:18:09,251 --> 00:18:11,001
I'm rich, biatch!
418
00:18:11,085 --> 00:18:12,251
[horn honks]
419
00:18:12,085 --> 00:18:13,126
Hi, thank you!
420
00:18:18,793 --> 00:18:20,168
Good night, Cornrow Wallace.
421
00:18:20,251 --> 00:18:21,876
Watch out for the wolves.
422
00:18:28,626 --> 00:18:31,085
Is it mornin' yet?
423
00:18:31,168 --> 00:18:32,835
I pee on people when
I have sex with them.
424
00:18:33,668 --> 00:18:35,251
[laughs]
425
00:18:35,335 --> 00:18:38,585
Can I say "pee on people"
or is standards gonna kill me?
426
00:18:38,668 --> 00:18:40,210
That's right, I spray
people with urine
427
00:18:40,293 --> 00:18:41,668
during sexual encounters.
428
00:18:41,751 --> 00:18:44,043
Surprise, surprise,
right in your eyes.
429
00:18:44,126 --> 00:18:45,960
You're right,
that's much lighter.
430
00:18:46,043 --> 00:18:47,960
[crew laughing]