1
00:00:02,085 --> 00:00:04,126
♪ Chappelle's Show
Chappelle's Show ♪
2
00:00:04,210 --> 00:00:05,168
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
3
00:00:05,251 --> 00:00:06,501
♪ Chappelle's Show
Chappelle's Show ♪
4
00:00:06,585 --> 00:00:07,793
♪ Oww ♪
5
00:00:09,085 --> 00:00:11,126
♪ Whoo-hoo-hoo ♪
6
00:00:11,210 --> 00:00:12,210
♪ Whoo-hoo ♪
7
00:00:12,293 --> 00:00:13,710
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
8
00:00:16,168 --> 00:00:17,460
Let's start the show.
9
00:00:19,835 --> 00:00:23,043
[announcer] Dave Chappelle!
10
00:00:23,126 --> 00:00:24,668
Hey, hey!
11
00:00:27,251 --> 00:00:28,835
Clippity-clappity,
clappity-clap!
12
00:00:31,251 --> 00:00:32,626
I've gotta tell you guys,
13
00:00:32,710 --> 00:00:36,876
when I'm not doing this show,
I play a lot of video games.
14
00:00:36,960 --> 00:00:38,751
I don't know if you guys
are into them a lot,
15
00:00:38,835 --> 00:00:42,168
but I love video games,
anytime, all the time.
16
00:00:42,251 --> 00:00:43,710
I make love to my wife:
"Get off me."
17
00:00:43,793 --> 00:00:45,751
Turn on PlayStation.
18
00:00:46,626 --> 00:00:48,085
I just want points, man.
19
00:00:48,168 --> 00:00:50,376
My whole life's like
Vice City, man, look.
20
00:00:50,460 --> 00:00:53,335
It's crazy, man, you'll see.
Look, just look at this.
21
00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:57,085
I'll see you, baby.
22
00:00:57,168 --> 00:00:58,085
Bye.
23
00:00:58,168 --> 00:00:59,251
Bye-bye.
24
00:01:10,418 --> 00:01:12,085
[car honks]
25
00:01:13,460 --> 00:01:16,043
[Dave] Sorry, I need this!
26
00:01:16,126 --> 00:01:17,376
[man] What are you doing?
27
00:01:18,543 --> 00:01:20,043
Not if I can help it.
28
00:01:20,126 --> 00:01:21,043
[gunshots]
29
00:01:21,126 --> 00:01:23,210
Ow! Oh!
30
00:01:29,043 --> 00:01:32,460
[machine gun firing]
31
00:01:38,251 --> 00:01:39,793
The name's Chappelle.
32
00:01:45,668 --> 00:01:48,960
Bye, baby, I'll see you later.
I love ya!
33
00:01:54,251 --> 00:01:56,751
[applause]
34
00:02:01,543 --> 00:02:04,501
I was recently overseas
in Japan. I'm not braggin'.
35
00:02:05,668 --> 00:02:07,335
I got a lot of respect in Japan.
36
00:02:07,418 --> 00:02:10,210
I've never been treated
so well by people.
37
00:02:10,293 --> 00:02:14,418
I would say that I was loved
and feared at the same time.
38
00:02:14,501 --> 00:02:16,210
I have footage of my vacation,
39
00:02:16,293 --> 00:02:18,668
and I would like to share it
with you right now.
40
00:02:20,668 --> 00:02:23,668
[melodramatic music playing]
41
00:02:27,376 --> 00:02:28,585
[loud rumbling]
42
00:02:31,793 --> 00:02:34,251
[screaming]
43
00:02:42,335 --> 00:02:43,376
Ahh...
44
00:02:44,751 --> 00:02:47,501
[Funkier music playing]
45
00:02:47,585 --> 00:02:48,793
Ohh!
46
00:03:17,126 --> 00:03:20,085
[coughing]
47
00:03:27,043 --> 00:03:29,251
All y'all right here,
I got something for ya.
48
00:03:29,335 --> 00:03:30,543
I got something for all y'all.
49
00:03:31,751 --> 00:03:34,876
Oh, no, he pull his pants down!
50
00:03:34,960 --> 00:03:36,918
♪ Ta-daaa ♪
51
00:03:40,085 --> 00:03:42,251
That's no snake, honey.
52
00:03:42,335 --> 00:03:44,960
♪ It's raining It's pouring... ♪
53
00:03:54,793 --> 00:03:58,168
[siren blaring]
54
00:04:00,793 --> 00:04:02,626
Oh, snap!
55
00:04:02,710 --> 00:04:04,251
I thought you was locked up.
56
00:04:10,043 --> 00:04:13,793
[roaring]
57
00:04:13,876 --> 00:04:15,376
You have a problem, huh?
58
00:04:19,126 --> 00:04:20,251
Ooh!
59
00:04:25,126 --> 00:04:27,626
Oh, no!
60
00:04:28,668 --> 00:04:32,043
[squish, Godzilla roars]
61
00:04:33,751 --> 00:04:35,043
Yee!
62
00:04:35,126 --> 00:04:37,585
[electricity buzzing]
63
00:04:39,001 --> 00:04:40,168
Yah!
64
00:04:47,460 --> 00:04:48,626
Yeah!
65
00:04:48,710 --> 00:04:50,918
I'm from the streets, bitch!
66
00:05:00,126 --> 00:05:01,418
Oh, no!
67
00:05:15,835 --> 00:05:18,126
Oh, ooh! Hot, hot!
68
00:05:20,960 --> 00:05:23,251
Oh, no, not stick.
69
00:05:23,085 --> 00:05:26,001
Ahh! Ahh!
70
00:05:27,085 --> 00:05:28,751
Ah!
71
00:05:30,126 --> 00:05:32,835
[romantic piano music playing]
72
00:05:35,543 --> 00:05:37,168
Um...
73
00:05:37,251 --> 00:05:40,085
I'll call you sometime
or come around or something.
74
00:05:41,085 --> 00:05:42,168
I'll be back.
75
00:05:43,626 --> 00:05:46,210
[roar]
76
00:05:49,085 --> 00:05:51,543
We're gonna take
a quick commercial break.
77
00:05:51,626 --> 00:05:54,126
We'll be right back, folks,
with more Chappelle's Show.
78
00:05:54,210 --> 00:05:55,293
So don't go anywhere.
79
00:05:59,918 --> 00:06:01,335
Man, I'm bored.
80
00:06:01,418 --> 00:06:03,335
I gotta go
to the Chappelle show.
81
00:06:05,918 --> 00:06:06,918
You know, folks...
82
00:06:08,835 --> 00:06:11,460
Tonight is actually
a very special night.
83
00:06:11,543 --> 00:06:13,876
I was in negotiations
with Comedy Central
84
00:06:13,960 --> 00:06:17,085
to do a one-hour special--
much like I did on HBO.
85
00:06:17,168 --> 00:06:18,543
Very excited about it, and then,
86
00:06:18,626 --> 00:06:20,376
suddenly the negotiations
fell apart
87
00:06:20,460 --> 00:06:22,126
'cause they didn't have
the money that I wanted.
88
00:06:22,210 --> 00:06:23,543
They won't budge.
89
00:06:23,626 --> 00:06:26,960
But they did, they did
come up with enough money
90
00:06:27,043 --> 00:06:28,418
for me to do
a two-minute special.
91
00:06:29,960 --> 00:06:31,126
Yes, and tonight,
92
00:06:31,210 --> 00:06:32,876
you are the lucky crowd
that gets to see it.
93
00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:34,126
So everyone, just sit tight.
94
00:06:34,210 --> 00:06:35,293
I'm gonna go in the back
95
00:06:35,376 --> 00:06:37,210
and we're gonna start
shootin' this puppy.
96
00:06:37,043 --> 00:06:38,543
All right, let's get it goin'.
97
00:06:45,126 --> 00:06:49,085
[funky music plays]
98
00:08:05,585 --> 00:08:07,168
[announcer]
Ladies and gentlemen,
99
00:08:07,251 --> 00:08:10,710
give it up right now
for Dave Chappelle!
100
00:08:10,793 --> 00:08:13,835
[cheers and applause]
101
00:08:23,585 --> 00:08:24,376
Whassup?
102
00:08:25,918 --> 00:08:26,960
How y'all feelin'?
103
00:08:27,876 --> 00:08:29,293
I gotta get right into it,
104
00:08:29,376 --> 00:08:32,043
I don't have a lot of time now.
105
00:08:32,126 --> 00:08:34,418
I wanna talk about the war.
106
00:08:34,501 --> 00:08:38,085
I wanna tell y'all how
I really feel about the war.
107
00:08:38,168 --> 00:08:39,168
Y'all ready to hear
108
00:08:39,251 --> 00:08:41,210
how I feel about the war?
109
00:08:41,043 --> 00:08:42,085
Y'all ready to hear
110
00:08:42,168 --> 00:08:43,626
how I feel about Bush?
111
00:08:43,710 --> 00:08:46,210
Well, this is how I feel--
[buzzer]
112
00:08:46,043 --> 00:08:48,210
Thank you very much, good night!
113
00:09:14,001 --> 00:09:15,543
Fuckin' pay me!
114
00:09:26,793 --> 00:09:28,710
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
115
00:09:28,793 --> 00:09:31,168
♪ Better not bring your kids ♪
116
00:09:32,501 --> 00:09:33,501
Hey, guys.
117
00:09:37,918 --> 00:09:41,085
Do any of you guys watch
those documentaries on HBO ?
118
00:09:41,168 --> 00:09:43,293
Those, uh, Hookers and Johns ?
119
00:09:43,376 --> 00:09:45,085
[audience] Yeah.
120
00:09:45,168 --> 00:09:47,960
Did anybody see that one,
Pimps Up, Ho's Down ?
121
00:09:48,043 --> 00:09:50,001
[applause]
122
00:09:50,085 --> 00:09:51,043
I just seen their new one,
123
00:09:51,126 --> 00:09:52,960
and I got an advanced copy
on it,
124
00:09:53,043 --> 00:09:54,376
you're gonna love it.
125
00:09:54,460 --> 00:09:55,585
Check it out.
126
00:10:23,918 --> 00:10:25,210
Yeah, you know what I'm sayin'?
127
00:10:25,043 --> 00:10:26,626
Like, real hatin', man,
that's like an art form, man.
128
00:10:26,710 --> 00:10:29,085
You know, it's like,
you like a born hater.
129
00:10:29,168 --> 00:10:30,585
You know, like myself,
130
00:10:30,668 --> 00:10:31,751
a lot of cats think they hatin'.
131
00:10:31,835 --> 00:10:34,168
I mean, I'm mad at everything,
man.
132
00:10:34,251 --> 00:10:35,335
Brother got a nice car--
133
00:10:35,418 --> 00:10:37,126
"Man, why you got a car?
I only got one car.
134
00:10:37,210 --> 00:10:39,626
"Why you got three cars
or a wife or all that?
135
00:10:39,710 --> 00:10:41,085
Man, that's played out."
136
00:10:41,168 --> 00:10:44,001
I hate on a nigga
'til he's totally broke,
137
00:10:44,085 --> 00:10:46,293
and ain't got nothin' like me,
you know what I'm sayin'?
138
00:10:46,376 --> 00:10:49,626
'Cause, yeah, that's what
real hatin' is all about, man.
139
00:10:49,710 --> 00:10:50,710
Hey, what's poppin', everybody?
140
00:10:50,793 --> 00:10:52,126
The evil star here,
wanna welcome you
141
00:10:52,210 --> 00:10:55,376
to The Fifth Annual Player
Haters Award, uh, ceremony.
142
00:10:55,460 --> 00:10:58,543
This gala affair, we, uh,
we host this once a year.
143
00:10:58,626 --> 00:11:01,668
We honor the most
prestigious verbal abusers,
144
00:11:01,751 --> 00:11:02,626
uh, on the planet.
145
00:11:05,835 --> 00:11:08,168
[heavy Korean accent]
146
00:11:12,168 --> 00:11:13,918
Again, I'm hating
all them Koreans.
147
00:11:14,001 --> 00:11:16,043
[speaking Korean]
148
00:11:22,376 --> 00:11:23,460
Is that a cut on beauty?
149
00:11:26,501 --> 00:11:29,793
The Player Haters ball
gives us an opportunity
150
00:11:29,876 --> 00:11:34,085
to hate on a diverse array
of Mark-ass marks,
151
00:11:34,168 --> 00:11:36,960
trick-ass marks, punk bitches
152
00:11:37,043 --> 00:11:39,918
and skip-scap skanks
and scallywags...
153
00:11:40,001 --> 00:11:44,043
Hos, heifers, hee-haws
and hula hoops.
154
00:11:44,126 --> 00:11:46,168
Man, you oughta take that cane
155
00:11:46,251 --> 00:11:48,126
and beat whoever
made that suit to death.
156
00:11:49,210 --> 00:11:50,251
[laughs]
157
00:11:50,085 --> 00:11:52,168
Why don't you vacuum that coat,
man?
158
00:11:52,251 --> 00:11:54,085
Well, well, well!
159
00:11:54,168 --> 00:11:59,251
The most diabolical haters
this side of the Mississippi.
160
00:11:59,085 --> 00:12:02,001
Buc nasty, what can I say
about that suit
161
00:12:02,085 --> 00:12:05,085
that hasn't already been
said about Afghanistan?
162
00:12:05,168 --> 00:12:08,085
It looks bombed out
and depleted.
163
00:12:08,168 --> 00:12:11,168
And of course,
the so-called "beautiful."
164
00:12:11,251 --> 00:12:14,585
Why don't you click your heels
together three times
165
00:12:14,668 --> 00:12:16,418
and go back to Africa?
166
00:12:16,501 --> 00:12:19,126
And as for you, Boss Hogg,
167
00:12:19,210 --> 00:12:22,835
very insulting what you said
about my coat.
168
00:12:22,918 --> 00:12:25,168
It's made out of
your mother's pubic hair.
169
00:12:25,251 --> 00:12:26,335
Quite shitty.
170
00:12:26,418 --> 00:12:30,085
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go take my throne
171
00:12:30,168 --> 00:12:31,960
'cause I'm a shoo-in...
172
00:12:33,293 --> 00:12:35,085
For hater of the year.
173
00:12:35,168 --> 00:12:38,335
The Player Haters ball
is not always about
174
00:12:38,418 --> 00:12:40,793
hating on one another.
175
00:12:40,876 --> 00:12:43,085
We play games with each other,
too.
176
00:12:43,168 --> 00:12:45,626
Like our annual photo flip.
177
00:12:45,710 --> 00:12:47,835
-[man] Oh. Damn.
-[man1] Oh, my God.
178
00:12:47,918 --> 00:12:49,876
[man2] Little-ass teeth?
Nigga got dolphin teeth.
179
00:12:49,960 --> 00:12:51,460
Arsenio hall teeth!
180
00:12:51,543 --> 00:12:54,918
He always says he doesn't want
anyone to see him shine,
181
00:12:55,001 --> 00:12:57,293
but the nigga looks shiny to me.
182
00:12:57,376 --> 00:13:01,460
Looks like Malcolm X before
he converted to Islam.
183
00:13:01,543 --> 00:13:02,251
[Effie] Next.
184
00:13:03,293 --> 00:13:04,376
[man2] Thank you, Miss Effie.
185
00:13:04,460 --> 00:13:07,418
Good lord, almighty,
it's Osama bin Laden.
186
00:13:07,501 --> 00:13:09,793
That motherfucker pumped
my gas in my car
187
00:13:09,876 --> 00:13:11,251
on the way over here.
188
00:13:11,085 --> 00:13:14,251
[man2] That's ironic, because
I take yoga classes from him.
189
00:13:14,335 --> 00:13:16,210
Next picture, please.
190
00:13:16,293 --> 00:13:19,793
I like the song the girl sings,
Papa, Don't Preach.
191
00:13:19,876 --> 00:13:21,335
I got a song for you too, bitch.
192
00:13:21,418 --> 00:13:23,043
It's called,
Daughter, Don't Sing.
193
00:13:24,126 --> 00:13:26,126
Next picture, please.
194
00:13:27,085 --> 00:13:28,501
[man] It's boy George!
195
00:13:28,585 --> 00:13:31,126
Now, that man right there
I'd hate to fight.
196
00:13:31,210 --> 00:13:34,376
She wears underwear
with dick holes in 'em.
197
00:13:38,251 --> 00:13:40,126
[man] Now to present the award
198
00:13:40,210 --> 00:13:43,293
for Player Hater of the year--
Ice T.!
199
00:13:43,376 --> 00:13:45,585
[booing]
200
00:13:45,668 --> 00:13:48,668
You look like Bill Cosby
on crack!
201
00:13:48,751 --> 00:13:51,543
I'd like to welcome
all you ignorant-ass bitches,
202
00:13:51,626 --> 00:13:54,418
critics, complainers,
disgruntled rappers,
203
00:13:54,501 --> 00:13:57,001
ha, and racists especially,
204
00:13:57,085 --> 00:13:58,835
to the Ninth Annual
205
00:13:58,918 --> 00:14:02,168
International Player
Haters Ball!
206
00:14:02,251 --> 00:14:04,126
Oh, man, hate, hate, hate...
207
00:14:04,210 --> 00:14:06,126
[audience chanting]
Hate, hate, hate, hate...
208
00:14:06,210 --> 00:14:09,168
Hate, hate, hate, hate,
hate, hate, hate, hate.
209
00:14:09,251 --> 00:14:11,043
Oh, man, you corny!
210
00:14:11,126 --> 00:14:13,126
Next nigga say somethin'
while I'm talkin'
211
00:14:13,210 --> 00:14:15,251
is gettin' shot,
please believe that.
212
00:14:15,335 --> 00:14:17,835
[audience] Hate, hate, hate,
hate, hate!
213
00:14:17,918 --> 00:14:19,626
So without further ado,
214
00:14:19,710 --> 00:14:23,210
let me give you the nominations
for Player Hater of the year.
215
00:14:23,293 --> 00:14:24,251
Y'all ready?
216
00:14:26,126 --> 00:14:27,043
First up...
217
00:14:28,168 --> 00:14:29,210
Buc Nasty!
218
00:14:29,293 --> 00:14:31,251
[booing]
Clap for me, bitch!
219
00:14:31,085 --> 00:14:33,793
Buc Nasty is nominated for...
220
00:14:35,001 --> 00:14:37,668
Getting his best friend's wife
pregnant,
221
00:14:37,751 --> 00:14:39,418
then tricking
his best friend into
222
00:14:39,501 --> 00:14:41,210
raising the little motherfucker.
223
00:14:41,293 --> 00:14:42,918
Yeah, holla at your boy.
224
00:14:43,668 --> 00:14:45,251
Damn, that's hateful!
225
00:14:46,210 --> 00:14:48,543
The next nominee is Pitbull.
226
00:14:48,626 --> 00:14:50,043
[booing]
227
00:14:50,126 --> 00:14:54,210
Pitbull is nominated
for calling the police
228
00:14:54,293 --> 00:14:57,251
on the drug dealers that moved
next door to his house,
229
00:14:57,085 --> 00:14:59,710
not because it was
the right thing to do,
230
00:14:59,793 --> 00:15:02,793
just because he was jealous of
all the money they was makin'.
231
00:15:02,876 --> 00:15:04,460
Pitbull!
[barks]
232
00:15:04,543 --> 00:15:06,335
Finally, the one and only...
233
00:15:07,043 --> 00:15:09,293
Silky Johnson!
234
00:15:09,376 --> 00:15:11,376
[boos and applause]
235
00:15:11,460 --> 00:15:14,210
Silky Johnson is nominated
236
00:15:14,043 --> 00:15:18,751
for calling in a bomb threat
to the special Olympics, man!
237
00:15:18,835 --> 00:15:20,835
[audience] Hate, hate, hate,
hate, hate!
238
00:15:20,918 --> 00:15:23,168
The winner of The Ninth Annual
Player Hater
239
00:15:23,251 --> 00:15:24,293
of the year award is...
240
00:15:24,376 --> 00:15:26,960
[man] Look like a bootleg
Ice T.!
241
00:15:27,043 --> 00:15:30,210
Silky Johnston!
242
00:15:30,043 --> 00:15:32,918
[booing]
243
00:15:33,001 --> 00:15:34,210
Kiss my ass!
244
00:15:34,043 --> 00:15:35,668
I'm the biggest hater!
245
00:15:41,376 --> 00:15:45,251
Silky mink made out of
100% rat ass!
246
00:15:45,335 --> 00:15:47,376
Hit me, baby.
247
00:15:47,460 --> 00:15:50,126
That, of course,
was beautiful talkin'.
248
00:15:50,210 --> 00:15:51,460
Beautiful on the weekends
249
00:15:51,543 --> 00:15:54,501
does stunts for little Richard
in gay movies.
250
00:15:54,585 --> 00:15:57,668
[laughter]
251
00:15:57,751 --> 00:16:01,251
First off, I would like
to thank God almighty
252
00:16:01,085 --> 00:16:04,251
for giving everybody so much...
253
00:16:04,335 --> 00:16:06,251
And me so little.
254
00:16:08,293 --> 00:16:10,085
I hate you, I hate you,
255
00:16:10,168 --> 00:16:12,585
I don't even know you,
and I hate your guts.
256
00:16:12,668 --> 00:16:15,585
I hope all the bad things
in life happen to you
257
00:16:15,668 --> 00:16:17,793
and nobody else but you.
258
00:16:17,876 --> 00:16:19,918
[booing]
259
00:16:20,001 --> 00:16:21,793
Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate!
260
00:16:21,876 --> 00:16:25,085
And as I sip my soda
that I'm sure somebody spit in
261
00:16:26,460 --> 00:16:29,293
I just would like to say
to all of you,
262
00:16:29,376 --> 00:16:32,085
kiss my ass,
you rotten motherfuckers.
263
00:16:34,043 --> 00:16:36,793
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go home
264
00:16:36,876 --> 00:16:39,793
and put some water
in Buc Nasty's mama's dish.
265
00:16:39,876 --> 00:16:41,210
Good evening.
266
00:16:42,210 --> 00:16:44,168
[laughter]
267
00:16:44,251 --> 00:16:46,043
Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate,
268
00:16:46,126 --> 00:16:50,126
hate, hate, hate, hate, hate...
269
00:16:51,543 --> 00:16:54,751
[cheers and applause]
270
00:16:54,835 --> 00:16:57,626
I will be right back,
I will see you shortly.
271
00:16:57,710 --> 00:16:59,001
Come back, don't go anywhere.
272
00:16:59,085 --> 00:17:01,918
You got more Chappelle's Show
after these messages.
273
00:17:03,710 --> 00:17:04,960
♪ Turn on your TV ♪
274
00:17:06,210 --> 00:17:08,168
♪ What you gonna see? ♪
275
00:17:08,251 --> 00:17:11,751
I would like to thank all of you
for being here with me tonight.
276
00:17:11,835 --> 00:17:13,085
You're great.
277
00:17:13,168 --> 00:17:15,376
And I'd like to thank you
at home for watching.
278
00:17:15,460 --> 00:17:16,543
Tune in next week
279
00:17:16,626 --> 00:17:18,418
and we'll see you on
Chappelle's Show.
280
00:17:22,043 --> 00:17:23,960
[Chappelle] I'm rich, biatch!
281
00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:25,835
[horn honks]
Hi, thank you!
282
00:17:31,335 --> 00:17:34,585
Silky mama got one big titty
and one little titty,
283
00:17:34,668 --> 00:17:37,543
and they call that
bitch "biggie smalls"!
284
00:17:37,626 --> 00:17:39,876
Hit me three times, baby.
285
00:17:39,960 --> 00:17:41,751
He looks like a broke-ass...
286
00:17:42,751 --> 00:17:44,876
He looks like a broke-ass...
287
00:17:45,710 --> 00:17:47,585
He looks like a broke-ass...
288
00:17:49,168 --> 00:17:51,168
He looks like a broke-ass...
289
00:17:53,043 --> 00:17:55,960
Sexual, broke, uh,
sexual chocolate.
290
00:17:56,043 --> 00:17:57,585
Is that the word?
291
00:17:57,668 --> 00:18:00,168
I wish you ill, Ice T.
292
00:18:00,251 --> 00:18:01,168
That's right, that's right.