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♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
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♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
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♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
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♪ Ow! ♪
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♪ Whoo-hoo-hoo ♪
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♪ Whoo-hoo ♪
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♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
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Let's start the show.
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[cheering and applauding]
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[announcer] Dave Chappelle!
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Good evening.
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Welcome back, guys.
How ya been?
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Guys, I was out last night,
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had a pretty good time,
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and I saw that mad dash.
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You know, the mad dash
at the end of the night
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when guys are really scrambling
to get some booty?
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And it's like a game,
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and the shot clock
is running out.
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It's like football or something.
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Well, if you come up
under incredible odds,
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that means that you've had
a great moment
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in hook-up history,
and I salute you,
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and I salute all
who have had a great moment
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in hook-up history.
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[narrator] 1983, historic
Applecrumby's,
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the setting for yet another
classic standoff
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between sworn rivals.
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Just the sort of standoff
that creates
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classic hook-up moments.
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Bobby Hutchinson
had spent the night
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trying to rush his way
to pay dirt, Gina Morris.
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Both prior attempts
by Bobby were stuffed
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by the tough defensive line
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that Morris traveled with.
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Left guard, Carol Deitrich,
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and right guard,
Denisha "Bear" Bryant,
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a tandem that had racked up
14 cock blocks
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just a year earlier.
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With the defense
momentarily sidelined,
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Bobby struck quickly,
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approaching the coveted Morris
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and winning her over
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with one of his hysterical
video game references.
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You give me Pac-Man fever.
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[gobbling]
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[narrator] With the defense
returning and time running out,
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Bobby went into his
hurry-up offense.
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Slowly but surely, Hutchinson
wore down the defensive line
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with shots up the gut.
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With time running out,
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Hutchinson went for
the game-winning score.
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Gina, why don't you
just come home with me?
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No, we promised each other
we'd all leave here together.
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[narrator]
His attempt was blocked.
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But Hutchinson recovered
the block
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and exploited the defense's
biggest weakness.
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You know, I got
some pizzas at the crib.
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Alright.
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Pizza?
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I don't want no pizza.
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And some weed, too.
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Weed? A'ight, yeah.
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[narrator] Hutchinson knew
he was home free.
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Victory was assured.
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That night, Bobby and Gina
had drunken sex
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on top of her two
passed-out friends,
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Technically making
it a four-way.
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Bobby Hutchinson, yet another
great player
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responsible for a great moment
in hook-up history.
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Them clothes
were a throwback.
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I look like Turbo from Breakin'.
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I really got into
that character, too.
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'Cause after we was done
shooting,
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I cleaned up the set.
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I'm serious,
they rolled camera on it.
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[techno music playing]
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And now, folks, it is time
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for a segment that I like
to call Real Movies,
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where you show the real version
of what would happen
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in some of our favorite movies.
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You know, a lot of these movies
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get to be a little fake
and phony.
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Like you see Home Alone,
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and Macaulay Culkin
is trickin' these bad guys,
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when you know any real robber
would've shot the little dude
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in the first five minutes,
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roll credits, the end.
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So we like to show
what would really happen
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in some of our favorite movies.
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Starting tonight
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with The Matrix.
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[mobile ringing]
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Hello?
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[man] Hello, Neo,
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do you know who this is?
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Morpheus?
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[Morpheus] Yes.
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I've been looking for you, Neo.
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I don't know if you're ready
to see what I want to show you,
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but, unfortunately, you and I
have run out of time.
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They're coming for you, Neo,
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And I don't know
what they're going to do.
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Who's coming for me?
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Stand up and see for yourself.
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[exclaims]
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I can guide you out of there
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but you must do
exactly as I say.
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Okay.
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The cubicle across
from you is empty.
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Go, now!
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Stay there.
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When I tell you,
go to the end of the hall.
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Stay as low as you can.
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Now.
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[agent farting]
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There is a black man
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sitting at a desk
directly to your right.
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Look at him.
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Morpheus?
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Psyche! [chuckles]
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It's Earl, nigga,
I need your stapler.
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I can't find mine.
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Hello, dumb-dumb,
do you know who this is?
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[laughing]
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Dude, you totally got me.
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Whoa!
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[laughing]
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Alright, gang, we're gonna take
a quick commercial break.
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We'll be right back
with Chappelle's Show.
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[cheering and applauding]
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[chuckles] You know, folks,
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in an earlier episode,
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we were talking about
just the entrepreneurship
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of all these hip-hop cats, man.
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These rappers got their
hands in everything.
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So I'm home the other day,
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and I caught this commercial...
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I don't know
if y'all have seen it,
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but this bugged me out.
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[announcer] The most precious
thing in the world
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is the financial security
and well-being of your family.
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You wanna send your little ones
to the best schools,
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and in the end,
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know that you've left them
with peace of mind.
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Nowadays we all know that
cash rules everything around us,
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cream,
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get the money,
dollar-dollar bill, y'all.
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That's why it's time to enter
the 36 chambers.
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Come step to the "Wu",
Wu-Tang Financial.
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At Wu-Tang financial,
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we'll work with you
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to devise the best plan
for you and your fam.
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I mean, Smith Barney--
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-Bunch of bitches.
-Old-time farts and shit.
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You gotta know how
to jack this shit.
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You gotta play
this game rough.
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You know what I mean?
In, out, get, grab, bonk.
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You need to diversify
your bonds, nigga.
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Military shit is blowin' up.
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We about to go to war,
invest in some nuclear bombs.
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This ain't
trading places, nigga.
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This is real fucking life!
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Protect your goddamn neck,
a'ight?
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Wu-Tang Financial,
a place for you and your kids.
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[narrator]
All of our trusted consultants
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are here to meet your needs.
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Unfortunately,
the ol' dirty bastard
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couldn't make it today,
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but he sends his regards...
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[mimicking]
Doo-da-doo-da-doo-da.
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[narrator] So call us,
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because at the end of the day,
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Wu-Tang Clan ain't
nothin' to fuck with.
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♪ Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin'
To fuck with ♪
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♪ Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin'
To fuck with ♪
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♪ Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin'
To fuck with ♪
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♪ Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin'
To fuck with ♪ ♪
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[narrator] Step to the "Wu",
Wu-Tang Financial.
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Now, who could forget
the timeless classic,
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Pretty Woman,
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where Julia Roberts
plays a prostitute
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that lucks up
and meets a millionaire,
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and they fall in love?
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Well, let's see what would
happen in the real version
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of Pretty Woman.
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I worked at a couple
of fast-food places.
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Parked cars at wrestling.
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I couldn't pay the rent.
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And I was too ashamed
to go home.
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That's when I met Kit.
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She was a hooker
and made it sound so great.
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Okay.
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You've gotta get
the fuck outta here.
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Hey,
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we're gonna take
a quick commercial break,
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and I promise
we'll be right back
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with more Chappelle's Show.
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♪ The greatest show ♪
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Hey, gang.
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Hey, hey, welcome back.
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You know, folks,
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I'm really tryin'
to encourage dialogue
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amongst the diverse array
of people in America,
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so it's time again
for Ask a Black Dude
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with none other than comedian,
Paul Mooney.
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Why in the movies is the
Black guy the first guy killed?
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That happy nigga,
that's in that movie
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where he heals all white people,
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the big black runaway.
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He was throughout
that whole movie.
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He only got killed
at the end...
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00:11:01,751 --> 00:11:02,960
which I hated.
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00:11:03,043 --> 00:11:04,418
I hated that movie
'cause I hated him,
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and I hated everybody
that wrote that movie.
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00:11:06,543 --> 00:11:08,751
Black people are always worried
about, like,
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in Barbershop.
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They better be worried about
what they say in white films.
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White films go
all over the world.
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'Cause I remember The Godfather,
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and I won't forget the...
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When they had the drug scene
and they said,
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"Well, we don't do that,
sell it to the Niggers."
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They shoulda had somethin'
to say about that.
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Are your cameras still on?
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00:11:28,418 --> 00:11:30,751
Black people wanna go
to Black dentists,
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00:11:30,835 --> 00:11:33,126
and do Black people wanna
get buried by Black...
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undertakers?
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00:11:36,210 --> 00:11:38,251
That's funny, Stephen King.
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He almost said, "Nigger,"
I read between 'em.
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I always thought
dentists were dentists.
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I wasn't into Black
and white dentists, please.
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00:11:45,251 --> 00:11:47,710
If they can fix the teeth, cool,
if they can't, that's cool, too.
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That's kind of a weird question,
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and coming from Stephen King,
that was very strange.
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A horror man come on and ask
a question about a nigga.
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That was already scary.
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I wrote a script
for Stephen King.
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I have a Stephen King
horror movie...
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Nigger with a brain.
We'll see how that scare people.
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Niggers in school,
how 'bout that, Stephen?
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00:12:12,501 --> 00:12:13,460
[chuckling]
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Sex, sex, sex.
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00:12:16,960 --> 00:12:19,751
See, the thing about sex
is there's good sex
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00:12:19,835 --> 00:12:21,293
and there's bad sex.
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This next piece
is a special report
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on some bad sex.
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And I mean bad like,
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Catholic priest, R. Kelly bad.
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[announcer] And now
a News Center 3 special report
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00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:38,835
with Chuck Taylor.
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00:12:38,918 --> 00:12:40,626
Good evening,
I'm Chuck Taylor.
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00:12:40,710 --> 00:12:42,085
Tonight's top story...
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00:12:42,168 --> 00:12:45,085
Outrage throughout the community
as yet another sex scandal
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00:12:45,168 --> 00:12:47,626
involving boys
and men of authority.
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00:12:47,710 --> 00:12:50,001
Who is it this time, you ask?
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Jedi Knights in
a galaxy far, far away.
258
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Many of them are coming
forward with allegations
259
00:12:55,210 --> 00:12:57,168
that the Jedi Masters
they studied under
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00:12:57,251 --> 00:12:59,210
repeatedly sexually
molested them
261
00:12:59,293 --> 00:13:00,710
over a number of years
262
00:13:00,793 --> 00:13:03,251
and that the Jedi Council
knew about it all along,
263
00:13:03,335 --> 00:13:06,668
in some cases,
encouraging the abuse.
264
00:13:06,751 --> 00:13:09,876
To clarify, Jedi Knights
like young Luke Skywalker
265
00:13:09,960 --> 00:13:12,001
being sexually abused by Jedis
266
00:13:12,085 --> 00:13:13,543
like Obi-Wan Kenobi.
267
00:13:15,210 --> 00:13:18,335
Okay, we're getting word
that council leader Yoda
268
00:13:18,418 --> 00:13:21,835
is having a press conference
right now at Skywalker ranch.
269
00:13:21,918 --> 00:13:23,585
We go there now.
270
00:13:23,668 --> 00:13:26,251
[reporters clamoring]
271
00:13:26,085 --> 00:13:27,293
You.
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00:13:27,376 --> 00:13:29,085
[man] Yoda, isn't it true
273
00:13:29,168 --> 00:13:31,210
you knew of these abuses
in 1977?
274
00:13:32,168 --> 00:13:35,335
Know about sex with boys,
Yoda did not.
275
00:13:36,918 --> 00:13:38,418
Tired, Yoda is.
276
00:13:39,960 --> 00:13:41,293
Resign, he will.
277
00:13:42,210 --> 00:13:45,418
[reporter] Yoda, Yoda, Yoda...
278
00:13:45,501 --> 00:13:46,751
You, you.
279
00:13:46,835 --> 00:13:48,251
Yoda, then how do
280
00:13:48,335 --> 00:13:50,543
explain the recently
uncovered tape
281
00:13:50,626 --> 00:13:52,376
that seems to implicate
you in the cover-up
282
00:13:52,460 --> 00:13:53,876
of Jedi Boy touching?
283
00:13:55,126 --> 00:13:56,835
Yoda, that was not.
284
00:13:56,918 --> 00:13:57,876
[woman] Then who was it?
285
00:13:59,126 --> 00:14:00,668
Mickey Rooney, maybe?
286
00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:03,293
Over, this interview is.
287
00:14:03,376 --> 00:14:04,501
[whooshing]
288
00:14:06,626 --> 00:14:09,043
Can we roll the footage
of that tape in question?
289
00:14:51,168 --> 00:14:53,543
Appalling, Yoda's behavior was.
290
00:14:53,626 --> 00:14:55,085
Damn it!
291
00:14:55,168 --> 00:14:58,043
Now that freak has me
talking like him.
292
00:14:58,126 --> 00:15:00,710
Okay, I'm being told now
that Mace Windau,
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00:15:00,793 --> 00:15:02,085
Yoda's replacement,
294
00:15:02,168 --> 00:15:03,543
is now at the podium.
295
00:15:03,626 --> 00:15:05,210
We go live.
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00:15:05,043 --> 00:15:06,876
I would just like to say
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00:15:06,960 --> 00:15:09,001
that this council
has zero tolerance
298
00:15:09,085 --> 00:15:11,043
for any sexual deviancy
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00:15:11,126 --> 00:15:13,251
regarding our Jedi Knights.
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00:15:13,085 --> 00:15:15,710
[woman reporter]
Mace? Mace? Mace?
301
00:15:15,793 --> 00:15:18,001
Question here. Mace, do you feel
that the Jedis
302
00:15:18,085 --> 00:15:20,126
who committed these kind
of crimes deserve to die?
303
00:15:20,210 --> 00:15:24,001
Yes, they deserve to die,
and I hope they burn in hell!
304
00:15:26,668 --> 00:15:29,126
Strong words from Mr. Windau.
305
00:15:29,210 --> 00:15:31,876
News Center 3 has been covering
this story for some time,
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00:15:31,960 --> 00:15:34,626
and earlier today, I caught up
with the former Jedi Knight
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00:15:34,710 --> 00:15:36,835
who first made
these allegations.
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00:15:38,293 --> 00:15:42,210
My master said
the force was strong in me.
309
00:15:43,168 --> 00:15:46,168
And gave me a wine cooler.
310
00:15:48,085 --> 00:15:51,710
Then he made me wear
a blindfold
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00:15:51,793 --> 00:15:54,085
and reach into his pants
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00:15:54,876 --> 00:15:57,543
to "look for the force."
313
00:15:58,918 --> 00:16:01,876
[breathing heavily]
314
00:16:01,960 --> 00:16:04,168
Are you sighing,
or are you just...
315
00:16:04,251 --> 00:16:05,168
breathing normally?
316
00:16:06,210 --> 00:16:08,043
I don't even know anymore!
317
00:16:11,543 --> 00:16:14,085
Aon, I know this is difficult
for you, but...
318
00:16:16,043 --> 00:16:17,585
Could you show me on the doll
319
00:16:17,668 --> 00:16:18,793
where he touched you?
320
00:16:19,543 --> 00:16:20,460
Point it out.
321
00:16:23,585 --> 00:16:25,418
[breathing heavily]
322
00:16:27,293 --> 00:16:29,085
[Jarth] Can we cut tape?
323
00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:32,793
Miguel, you heard the man.
324
00:16:32,876 --> 00:16:34,126
Cut the goddamn tape!
325
00:16:34,210 --> 00:16:35,251
Just cut it!
326
00:16:36,043 --> 00:16:37,168
[mouthing]
327
00:16:40,501 --> 00:16:43,751
[Jarth] [crying] I was just
young and curious.
328
00:16:43,835 --> 00:16:45,918
[sobbing]
329
00:16:46,001 --> 00:16:48,876
We may never know
what really happened, but...
330
00:16:48,960 --> 00:16:50,501
people on the street
have been reacting
331
00:16:50,585 --> 00:16:52,710
to this news all day.
332
00:16:52,793 --> 00:16:54,126
This never would've happened
333
00:16:54,210 --> 00:16:55,210
in the world of Star Trek
334
00:16:55,293 --> 00:16:56,585
'cause the fleet commanders
would not have allowed
335
00:16:56,668 --> 00:16:58,043
You can't prove that!
336
00:16:58,126 --> 00:17:00,460
[screaming]
337
00:17:00,543 --> 00:17:03,168
A simple statement of protest
338
00:17:03,251 --> 00:17:04,043
from an angry young geek.
339
00:17:05,210 --> 00:17:06,585
When we come back,
340
00:17:06,668 --> 00:17:09,543
gay-droid marriage,
should it be legalized?
341
00:17:09,626 --> 00:17:11,335
This queer couple says yes.
342
00:17:12,126 --> 00:17:15,335
[news fanfare music]
343
00:17:16,793 --> 00:17:19,585
We're gonna take a quick
commercial break.
344
00:17:19,668 --> 00:17:22,293
We'll be right back
with more Chappelle's Show.
345
00:17:22,376 --> 00:17:23,751
Please, don't go anywhere.
346
00:17:26,335 --> 00:17:27,335
♪ Chappelle's Show ♪
347
00:17:27,418 --> 00:17:28,793
♪ Ow! ♪
348
00:17:28,876 --> 00:17:32,210
Hey, guys, I wanna thank you all
for being with me tonight.
349
00:17:32,293 --> 00:17:34,626
I'd like to thank you
at home for tuning in.
350
00:17:34,710 --> 00:17:35,668
You guys are the greatest.
351
00:17:35,751 --> 00:17:37,418
I'll see you next week,
God willin'.
352
00:17:37,501 --> 00:17:38,626
I'm out.
353
00:17:38,710 --> 00:17:40,043
[cheering and applauding]
354
00:17:46,085 --> 00:17:48,335
-[Dave] I'm rich, biatch!
-[horn honking]
355
00:17:48,418 --> 00:17:50,251
[woman] Hi, thank you.
356
00:17:55,168 --> 00:17:57,418
[techno music playing]
357
00:18:07,251 --> 00:18:09,335
♪ Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin'
To fuck with ♪
358
00:18:09,418 --> 00:18:11,960
♪ Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin'
To fuck with ♪
359
00:18:12,043 --> 00:18:15,001
♪ Wu-Tang Clan ain't nothin'
To fuck with ♪
360
00:18:17,001 --> 00:18:19,210
[music continues]